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#I’m D.B. cooper I’m a mystery man give me a bourbon
shinsorokiri · 2 years
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human realm unsolved #2
Satan: This week in Human Realm Unsolved we discuss the famous case of D.B. Cooper, a case that the humans in the FBI, or the Federal Bureau of Investigation, has referred to as on of the great unsolved mysteries in FBI history.
Lucifer: Wow what a creative referral name the humans have come up with.
Satan: Well it’s also considered as one of the greatest unsolved mysteries in US history.
Lucifer: US history is a mistake and a mystery in itself.
Satan: I... actually cannot fight you on that one.
Lucifer: Of course you can’t. 
Satan: ...Moving on to the case. On Wednesday, November 24th, 1971, a man going by the name Dan Cooper bought a $20 one way ticket for a plane on a known human airline company paid for in in cash. The flight number was-
Lucifer: Hold on, only $20?
Satan: It was a different time, Lucifer. I thought you would know this seeing how you’ve got a stick up your ass about only allowing yourself to go to the human world. Inflation exists.
Lucifer: I don’t need you to lecture me on inflation, Satan.
Satan: Then stop interrupting me with stupid questions, Lucifer.
Lucifer: *grits teeth* Apologies. Continue the story.
Satan: Thank you. The flight number was 305 and the plane began in Portland, Oregon of the United States, and was flying to Seattle, Washington. Cooper was described as such - a man in his mid-40s wearing a business suit with an overcoat, brown shoes, a white shirt, and a black tie.
Lucifer: A very normal seeming outfit. 
Satan: Probably the point.
Lucifer: Yes, no one would suspect someone who resembled a business man to create one of the great unsolved mysteries in FBI history.
Satan: Not at all. If only they knew you, they would know that that type of apparel means nothing good.
Lucifer: You’re wrong, everyone knows how well respected I am. In fact, it sounds like if this Dan Cooper human knew who I was, he would have modeled his look after me.
Satan: Your sin is showing.
Lucifer: *glares*
Satan: Cooper also had on him a briefcase and a paper bag. While on the plane, he ordered a bourbon and soda-
Lucifer: So that’s why you’ve provided us with some demonus and soda. A wonderful drink, if I do say so myself.
Satan: Thank you. I made it myself.
Lucifer: Of course the proportion of soda to demonus is slightly incorrect...
Satan: *clenches fist*
Lucifer: A noble attempt, though. Continue, please.
Satan: *clearing his throat* A while after the plane took off, Cooper handed the stewardess a note of which the stewardess put away, but being the ever insistent man he was, he whispered to her, “Miss, you better look at that note. I have a bomb.”
Lucifer: …He just told her?!
Satan: Yes.
Lucifer: That’s a horrible plan!
Satan: Well I’m sure he didn’t want to blow the plane up with him on it. And he never got caught. So I assume he did something right. 
Lucifer: He could have been more discreet.
Satan: He tried.
Lucifer: Not hard enough, apparently.
Satan: Well he told her to sit next to him and proceeded to show her red sticks - which I can only assume is dynamite - with an array of wires inside of the briefcase he was carrying. He then made her write down, “I want $200,000 by 5pm in cash, put in a knapsack, I want two back parachutes and two front parachutes. When we land, I want a fuel truck ready to refuel. No funny stuff, or I’ll do the job,” to give to the pilot-
Lucifer: “No funny stuff?!”
Satan: No funny stuff. 
Lucifer: Why didn’t the stewardess just take this man down.
Satan: He had a bomb-
Lucifer: He sounds absurdly idiotic, I can’t imagine it would be too difficult to take the briefcase away from him. In all honesty, it sounds as though he’s planning his heist as it happens.
Satan: Well, humans are fragile, Lucifer. 
Lucifer: I know that, but this man just sounds like some copy of a TV show criminal. Like he doesn’t know what these types of people are actually supposed to look like or act like.
Satan: …hm.
Lucifer: ...What?
Satan: ….Nothing. He proceeded to ask for the $200,000 to be paid exclusively in $20 bills. After landing in Seattle and trading the passengers for the money, and parachutes, some crew members stayed on the plane and it took off for Mexico City. He requested the plane remain below 10 thousand feet, and during the second half of the flight, Cooper put on a pair of dark wrap-around sunglasses…
Lucifer: Sunglasses, you say?
Satan: *nods*
Lucifer: …
Satan: …Sunglasses, copying a prestigious looking man, and terrible at planning…
Lucifer: …Keep reading.
Satan: A little after 8pm when the plane was between Seattle and Reno, Nevada, Cooper jumped out of the plane’s rear doors. He took two parachutes, and the money, and he was never seen again. However, he did take off his black clip on tie before jumping, which had DNA evidence on it.
Lucifer: He wore a clip-on tie?
Satan: And from a human world department store called J.C. Penney.
Lucifer: Am I right in assuming it was a clip-on because he does not know how to tie a tie?
Satan: I would say so.
Lucifer: …What type of DNA was on the tie?
Satan: Well, that lead into a huge investigation, and oddly enough a bag full of the specific serial numbered $20 bills that Cooper took was found by a human 9 years later rotting away. It’s theorized he dropped that bag of money into a river.
Lucifer: …Is that all?
Satan: …On that specific bag, yes.
Lucifer: That… that is all they figured out?!
Satan: *nods*
Lucifer: …This man sounds like an idiot. He surely should have been caught.
Satan: *nods* Then humans would send letter to the FBI and countless human newspapers claiming to be Cooper, or send in his eulogy... or being his siblings… but nothing ever came from these.
Lucifer: Now why would humans pretend to be a criminal?
Satan: *shrugs* Money.
Lucifer: …
Satan: …
Lucifer: Money was the biggest part of this case.
Satan: Yes.
Lucifer: And the humans never caught the idiot responsible even though they clearly should have.
Satan: No.
Lucifer: …
Satan: …
Lucifer: *pulls out D.D.D. and begins dialing a number*
Satan: *sips drink*
Lucifer: *places phone on speaker*
Mammon: *through the phone* Yeah? Whaddya want?
Lucifer: Mammon where were you on the date of November 24th, 1971. 
Mammon: Ya expect me to remember that?
Lucifer: Yes, D.B. Cooper. I expect you to remember.
Mammon: …
Satan: …
Lucifer: Well?
Mammon: *hangs up*
Lucifer: I must go. *leaves*
Satan: *sips drink and motions to cut the camera*
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cinemagifmaker · 3 years
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Loki x BuzzFeed Unsolved | D.B. Cooper’s case
+ Bonus:
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goddessofmischief · 3 years
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Blue Monday, Chapter Nine - Loki x Reader
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Author’s Note: I finally did it you guys. Loki’s mood in this gif matches mine.
Catch up on chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 !
The year was 1971.
Wars raged. ‘A Clockwork Orange’ was the biggest movie in theaters.
And you and Loki were about to stage one of the most infamous plane heists of all time.
“I had forgotten how much I despised American airports,” Loki muttered, adjusting his tie. You’d never seen Loki in human clothes before - and, frankly, you were a confused mix of amused and... attracted.
“The tie’s not the problem, ‘oki,” you suggested, running your hands through his hair. He seemed to almost shrink away from you, and then think better of it, leaning into your touch. “It’s the hair.”
“My hair - my hair is fine!”
“Okay, okay.”
Maybe it wasn’t Loki’s insecurities bubbling up, you thought, but your own.
It had, after all, been a very long time since you’d worn human clothing - or been on Earth in your time period, for that matter.
That was why it was imperative that you be heavily disguised - someone could recognize you.
It was odd for you to think about, somehow.
After all these years stranded somewhere in the middle of time and space, being back in your timeline felt uncomfortable, and.... strange
Not to mention that you were returning to the place of your timeline with, well...
A God.
“Here,” said Loki, passing a bag to you. “You hold this...” “What, what’s in it?”
He lowered his voice to a murmur.
“The bomb.”
“The?! Bomb?!”
”Yes, quiet. You have held a bomb before, yes?”
“You know I have. This is... kinda... different.”
”Don’t worry. I’m under strict instructions not to kill anyone.”
”Oh, good - you’ve been instructed - that makes me feel loads better.”
“I believe you’re beginning to regain your sense of sarcasm, darling.”
You swallowed.
“I hate sarcasm,” you said, finally. “It’s just... another, less clever way to lie.”
“How’s that?”
“You’re not saying how you really feel. I hate when people do that.”
“You must truly despise me, then.”
“No,” you admitted, and you felt as if you were giving something away by confessing this. “No, I... don’t.” Loki gazed at you, his face terribly close to yours, and you put your arms around his shoulders...
It felt awfully right, as odd as the situation was. The year was 1971. You were many decades old, but looked youthful. You were an agent of the T.V.A..
And you were about to kiss the God of Mischief, right here, right now, in the middle of this airport.
“Cooper!”
They were calling for you. For a moment, only a moment, you hoped against hope that Loki would ignore it - that the moment could go on, just as before.
But you knew that it couldn’t. The moment was over, as soon as it had ended.
“Coming,” said Loki, in an odd American voice you couldn’t get used to. He could’ve been any man that you would’ve known during your time on Earth... and you loathed the idea of that. “Right, dear?” “Yes, darling,” you said, taking his hand, and his fingers twined around yours. You knew, somehow, that this was a turning point - that you and Loki could never go on as it had been before.
You were his partner still, but now something much more profound.
For the first time in your life...
You were exactly where you wanted to be.
“Yes,” you said again. “Yes, I’m ready.”
...
Loki, to his credit... was kind of a marvelous actor.
You and he sat in your cramped seats, cross-legged, biding your time until the precise moment.
“Alright,” he said. “Now. I’m going to do it now.” “No, it's too early. Besides... give the poor woman a break. She’s been on her feet for the past hour.”
“Fine,” he grumbled, and you rested your hand on his arm.
“You can sleep, you know,” Loki offered. “We have... an hour, or two.”
You yawned.
“That obvious?” “Mhm. A bit.” You grinned, tucking your chin into his shoulder.
“Oh,” spoke Ella Rambeau, passing by the two of you with a cart of drinks. “You’re just too cute together. Can I get you two anything?”
“Yes, uh...” Loki paused, trying to get into character. “I’m... D.B. Cooper, mystery man, give me a... a bourbon.” You rolled your eyes.
“Hear that?” you teased, after she had gone. “We’re cute. She thinks we’re cute.”
“Yes, yes. I’m going to feel terrible about holding her up - is that what you want to hear?” “...Loki...” ...
“Alright,” he said, nudging you awake. “Ready?”
He beckoned Rambeau over, and, rising from her seat, she came to you.
Loki passed her a note - handwritten, in black felt-tip pen.
To your great surprise...
She placed it in her bag.
“Miss, you'd better look at that note,” said Loki. “I have a bomb.”
Rambeau’s eyes scanned over the note, seemingly becoming more panicked by the moment.
“It’s alright,” Loki spoke, calmly. “Sit here.”
“Can I...” Rambeau cleared her throat. “Can I see the bomb?” Loki opened his briefcase, showing it to her.
“What do you want?”
“$200,000 in negotiable American currency,” he said, his voice crisp and clear, and terribly American. “Four parachutes, and a fuel truck. Tell the pilot.” Rambeau scattered.
“You think it’s going to work?” you asked, timidly, and Loki smirked.
“Of course,” he said, sliding a pair of dark sunglasses onto his face, looking like an Asgardian James Bond. “All part of the plan.”
The speakers above you turned on.
“Uh, hello, passengers,” the Captain spoke over the speakers. “This is Captain William A. Scott speaking... our arrival in Seattle will be delayed because of a minor mechanical difficulty.”
Beside you, Loki snickered.
You smacked him.
“That poor woman’s probably scared half to death. Look, we have to do this to save her life - that doesn’t mean you’ve got to enjoy it so much.”
Rambeau returned to you.
“They’re complying with the demands,” she said, quietly.
“Hm,” said Loki, glancing out the window. “Looks like Tacoma down there. Can I get another bourbon and soda, please?”
Rambeau, looking incredibly confused, poured him one.
“Thanks, doll.” He paid his drink tab, and Rambeau left.
“See?” said Loki, turning to you and taking a sip. “I was nice.”
You scoffed.
“So that was to impress me?”
“Perhaps.”
...
After several hours, the aircraft landed at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport. Rambeau brought you the $200,000, and Loki ordered the passengers off the plane.
“Take me to Mexico City,” he told the pilot.
“Why Mexico City?” you muttered to him.
Loki shrugged.
“It’ll take awhile,” he said. “And... the sunsets are marvelous this time of year.”
You arched an eyebrow.
...
“Listen,” said Loki, talking to Rambeau, “Join the rest of the crew in the cockpit and remain there with the door closed. Open the aft door for me, will you?”
“You ready?” he asked, turning to you.
You nodded, blearily.
“Hands in the air!” Loki shouted, grabbing the suitcase.
On instinct, your hands shot up.
“No, not you,” he muttered, and you quickly lowered them.
“Everyone, on their knees, now-”
"You mean,” you uttered, mischievously. “Kneel?”
“Quiet, you - yes,” he said, beckoning to Rambeau. “Yes, you. You will wait in the cockpit until I’ve gone... yes?”
She nodded, blushing.
“Good luck with the baby,” Loki said, honestly, and he winked at her.
Blinded, Ella gazed back, grinning, until you heard a shocked voice from behind you -
“What?”
With that...
Loki took your hand-
And you leapt from the plane.
...
This was a really fun one to write! Almost every part of this fic is true - except, of course, Loki was probably not D.B. Cooper, and he did not have a companion with him during the heist. You can read all about it and compare facts here.
*If you want more Blue Monday content plus insider information on the fic, follow the blog @thebluemonday​!
Taglist (Message me to be added!)
gorgeourrific-nerd @suwupremeleader​​ @sserpente​ @tripleyeeet​
@kcd15​
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mcu characters as buzzfeed unsolved quotes
tony: i did meet some of the most insufferable people. but mostly, they met me.
steve: rock and roll, buckaroo!
peter p: we’re, uh, we’re here for the cult stuff! we saw an ad on craigslist
bucky: can’t go this way, too much bones
nat: if you stab Sting with a knife, Sting will bleed-
bruce: where’s my holy water? WHERES MY HOLY WATER????
clint: stop…serial killing-
thor: HEY gHoUlSSSS- tHe BoYs ArE hErE
sam: yeah, that rings a bell or two. that shakes a tambourine.
vision: are basketball players aliens?
stephen: look, i’m not here as a doctor. i just want to see some of this crazy shit.
scott: hey there demons, it’s me, ya boy
wanda: if you have a parent who ever told you they were stolen in a fire and given a wonderful breakfast the next day…let us know
loki: i’m d.b. cooper, i’m a mystery man, give me a bourbon.
rhodey: do you want me to look it up? the decorum? *opens wikihow*
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mysterywheeze · 4 years
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top 5 bfu episodes: can be both true crime and supernatural
this is gonna be a toughie (and i’m mostly basing this on pure personal preference and history with the ep) but here goes...
SPN
5. the toxic woman (after watching this episode i brought it up to my chem teacher. as it turned out, he’d heard about the toxic woman case! and i asked him if we could talk about it in class later in the year. we never got anywhere near that level of advanced chemistry in class but i like to think that we shared a bonding moment that day.) 4. annaliese michel (in a series full of quotations and stock photos, it is nice to hear authentic audio from a the scene of an old case) 3. bigfoot: the convincing evidence (it’s a cryptid episode! those are always great) 2. lizzie borden (i was a massive bordenhead growing up. of course it appeals to me. also, it’s a double-whammy of an unsolved murder and ghost-hunting) 1. 3 horrifying cases of ghosts and demons (i mean... could it be anything else?)
TC
5. jack the ripper (i do love how they had a fuck-ton of suspects and most of them were plausible. you can’t say that for a lot of true crime eps. also... it’s jack the ripper. it’s the unsolved murder case.  4. poisoned pill murders (a very interesting case. also, this was the first episode that i saw right when it came out, so it’s kinda my milestone from “watches this show casually” to “actively follows it”) 3. JFK (sometimes you wanna hear about some small-town crime or an obscure little case. but sometimes you wanna go big or go home) 2. d.b. cooper (a fun ep for an enigmatic guy. also, the line “i’m a mystery man, give me a bourbon” was where i got half my url from!) 1. the axeman (i think this was the first BFU episode i ever watched all the way through. it’s got a special place in my heart. also it has razor boy)
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maybelleteas · 6 years
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“I’m D.B. Cooper, I’m a mystery man, give me a bourbon.”
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doctor-wheeze · 6 years
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I’m D.B. Cooper, I’m a mystery man, give me a bourbon.
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shanemadejmon · 6 years
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Shane Things: The Strange Disappearance Of D.B. Cooper
• “I’m D.B. Cooper, I’m a mystery man, give me a bourbon”
• his laugh after “I have a bomb” and the subsequent bit following
• “no funny stuff!”
• “you think James Bond ever wore a clip-on bow tie?”
• “haha, hey, it’s me, the Zodiac Killer! I’ll tell you a story! What-oh? Ohh…”
• how low he makes his voice when trying to impersonate D.B.
• “I was thinking about it in, like, a - a cold, hard, criminal way - I wasn’t thinking, like, SPRING BREAK!”
• his (wheeze) after that
• him choking on his bourbon from laughter
• “I have a secret to tell you…I’m the phantom of the sky…”
• “sounds pretty credible - I don’t believe her”
• his laughter and (wheeze) on the second deathbed confession
• his quote from “Julius Caesar”
• him reenacting D.B. dying
• “oh I can’t see through the clouds - oh now I can!”
• his face when Ryan says “oh, hey there, I didn’t see you walk in”
• his red pen and “hmm, that’s bullshit”
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