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commandergoopy · 5 years

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really weird update under cut!!

so its rlly weird since i never do this because i like to think im ok but im really not in the slightest, brief warning: im gonna talk abt trauma and a little heavy stuff and you’re 100% valid if u dont wanna listen

. . .

so this year has been an absolute nightmare but i think its gonna get better soon hopefully!!! so i have a psyche evaluation coming up on the 7th and im incredibly nervous because my family doctor is telling me i’m already experiencing some really bad symptoms of deep rooted trauma, such as a minor case of schizophrenia and extreme ADD. so since so much has happened and i had to change my life completely last halloween, i’ve been coping horribly and my case manager is literally telling me to not do things i’ve been doing to cope, and it’s all just a jumbled mess. my environment has done a complete 180, and i can’t see my family until the end of the year, and i have extreme abandonment issues,,, i miss my grandma... ;__; but all this shitty stuff that has happened really left me bruised and ruffled, if that makes sense??? so other than mental health stuff, i’ve been going through a lot of physical health stuff, i have tendinitis and close up coming with carpel tunnel since i’m constantly using my tablet nonstop without breaks, and not to mention i use my mouse a lot too;; i recently had to deal with a concussion since im a dummy, and i can barely breathe without assistance since my fuken tonsils are invasive. so hopefully im gonna get surgery to rip these suckers out but until then im baby. ive been incredibly irritable as of late, i’ve cut off several ties with friends out of mental deterioration with little to no reasons given, and i’m slowly just shutting down.,,, like i feel like my life is just written out to be just to be shit, ,, im also being tested for genetic cancer !! fuck!!!! these 6 months have been super rough and stuff since ive basically become homeless since im living in a crisis center where they can monitor my behavior so i decide to die! and my coping skills are seriously stunted to the point of where i’m getting too emotionally attached to fuckin video game character(s), and i’ve just been incredibly lonely despite me refusing talking to people and i feel like im just in a personal strife with my thoughts vs my actions. days that are the worst makes me incredibly sensitive to noise and make me physically upset and i have to evacuate the area, and i have to block out noise, sight and smell because if i even remotely feel anything bad i will actually cry and tear my hair out. anyways! im not really ok, but thats ok, because first step into recovery is admitting you have a problem! !!! anyways im being tested next week to see what i got and see what the next step into my recovery is, but at the same time i just feel like a guinea pig for my doctors/therapists to see how to make me stop crying, and it’s really stressful to trust people nowadays......i havent forgot abt commissions, i think about my clients all the time because Anxiety,,.... anyways thanks for reading ok bye

#ell rambles #sjdglkfg #thats a novel and a half #sorry

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