#I’m dying at the thought of cassian living with 4 girls and loving every second of it

[alltheworldsinmyhead]

ON FEYSAND’S PLOTLINE IN ACOSF

              !!!!MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE WHOLE ACOSF!!!!

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Let’s be honest for a while, okay?

ACOCF had potential to be SJM’s best book, if not for any other reason then because of the sheer idea of it. Coming-of-age, healing story of the most complex and polarizing character she has ever created set in the time of peace, away from the familiar setting (according to the later changed concept which still remains in the snippet at the end of ACOFAS), development of her arguably most feisty and angsty love story... It could be her absolute trumph. Even with the change to stick to Velaris instead of exploring the Illyrian culture of the Mountains and with the added conflict of the Mortal Queens and Koshei, it still could work quite well. 

It didn’t. For many, many reasons, but the most important one, in my opinion, being the feysand pregnancy plot. 

Nothing about this plotline made sense. Not a single thing. From start to finish, it was an absolute disaster from the character-writing POV, from the narration POV, from every single context of it. It broke the rules of real-life logic, it broke the rules of this fantasy world setting and it completely exposed that Rhysand, while not a bad guy, is a pretty terrible partner, even worse ruler and an absolutely terrible contender for the High King title. 

Let’s break this whole mess down (and expect this post to be mammoth-sized. it’s not my fault, though, write to SJM if you have any complains):

1) Feyre, 21, decides to get pregnant, even though less than a year earlier, she expresses the delight with not being forced to bear children to her new mate and told him herself she wants to wait a while and enjoy her life with him. Feyre decides she wants a baby though and Rhysand goes along with it, even though he is aware how young Feyre is and how hard her life has been up until this point. He wants a baby too much to have an honest discussion with Feyre about it, to stop and wonder what is the reason for her sudden change of heart, to reassure her that they have a lot of time ahead of them and don’t need to rush. No. She mades a sudden decision to have a baby after A YEAR OF MARRIAGE and not much more of being turned fae, JUST AFTER having her whole world put upside down, having received a completely new title and responsibilities, surviving the wat and being mated. Great. 

2) Feyre decides to get pregnant and Rhys goes along with it less than a year after the end of the bloody war. It is politically a delicate time, everyone is still not sure how the balance will shift, some countries don;t want to sign the peace treaty, etc. There are a lot of enemies and a lot of turmoil remaining. But sure. Let’s have a baby. Perfect time to add yet another target, another weakness that can be use by the Mortal Queens, Beron or whatever else with malicious intent towards the Night Court. 

2) Feyre gets pregnant after approximately a year of trying. I know healthy people of reproductive age for whom it takes ages more than this. Fae’s pregnancies are rare af and precious and happen once in a blue moon, but ofc SJM broke the world’s rules for her darling Feyre. And again, for Kallas and Vivianne who are also expecting the baby, even though it has been a maximum of 3 years since they’ve mated. 3 years is also not a particularly long time to try to have a baby for those who have issues with their reproductive systems like Fae women. Thank you, next. 

3) Rhys has unprotected sex with Feyre in her Illyrian form when she conceives, even though he knows full well having a winged baby would kill her. He does it anyway, for shits and giggles apparently. They probably have sex in the sky above Velaris, for all we know. 

4) The baby has wings. Now, the whole explanation with Illyrian wings being bony (bc they resemble bat wings) and Seraphin ones being more flexible (bc they resemble bird ones) is so insanely stupid that it takes around 3 seconds to wikipedia this shit and find out it’s exactly the opposite. But okay, the baby has wings and Feyre will die while giving birth, along with the baby. Madja forbids Feyre from turning into an Illyrian to carry the pregnancy because it MIGHT hurt the baby. Now, remember, Feyre conceived while in Illyrian form and then turned into High Fae. The baby survived it just fine. The baby MIGHT be hurt by Feyre turning .... but it will FOR SURE die if she stays High Fae and Feyre will too. Idk about you, but I would take the risk of MIGHT instead of FOR SURE. Especially when she is already in labour and dying. Cauldron or Nesta or idk who alters Feyre’s pelvis after the baby is cut out of her for no apparent reason but to allow feysand to make exactly the same mistakes later on. How convinient. And Nesta also alters her own pelvis bc god forbid she won’t be able give Cassian babies like the little useful mate she is now. She should’ve probably done it with Elain too, just in case she decides to fuck Az in the future, because fuck consequences and fuck the stakes in the story that make the readers actually CARE about characters bc they know the author may actually kill them and not save their life every fucking time.  

5) I don’t even want to comment on the fact Rhys hid the true danger of this pregnancy for Feyre and their family went along with it. It is absolutely disgusting. And Nesta telling her and that being condemned as the act of the ultimate cruelty which is a final straw to break her self-loathing back.... is abhorrent. It made my sick, actually, phisically sick. There is no justification for it. No at all. And the fact that they did not even consider abortion sends a message that I really don’t want to think too much about it. Feyre was 2 months along when they learned the baby is winged. 2 months. 8 weeks. It wasn’t a baby yet, let’s be honest. They could’ve at least discussed it. She - oh my god, I cannot believe SJM wrote it this way, I’m gonna be sick. 

6) For the entirety of Feyre’s pregnancy, they have no plan to really help her. Labour plan? Haven’t heard if it.  They have money and power and access to the healers of the whole land. And did not figure out how to stop her from bleeding out after a fucking C-section. THIS WORLD HAS MAGIC AND THEY COULDN’T STOP HER FROM BLEEDING OUT AFTER A FUCKING C-SECTION. Didn’t even ask Thesan, the High Lord of Healing, to be present. Cassian had guts hanging out of his stomach and survived. Az was fucking slashed apart in Hybern and survived. But yeah, Feyre was on a brink of death after a C-section. Great, Sarah. Keep it up. Let’s force the thought into young girls’ heads that labour is the most lethal thing ever, why not. 

7) Also, for the entirety of Feyre’s pregnancy, Rhys keeps quiet about this idiotic bargain. He, as far as we know, doesn’t make any plans for the moment when him and Feyre and possibly their baby are dead. If they died and baby survived.. who would take care of it? Does Rhys have a conversation with his family about it? NAH. Doesn’t write any sort of plan how to keep the Court going, doesn’t inform even the closest of his co-workers how they should proceed to act after he’s gone and his and Feyre’s power go to god-knows-who. Their deaths would mean a sure chaos for the weakend and fragile Prythian and the Night Court especially and yet nor Rhys nor Feyre make any sort of preparations for it. Rhys doesn’t tell his brothers or Mor or HIS SECOND IN COMMAND they will all soon have to somehow manage without him. He was about to just leave them to their own devices and told them in the last. possible. moment. 

And this man - this man is, according to Amren, the best candidate to handle the whole country? To unite it? This fool who makes idiotic bargains, who thinks first about his cock and his own selfish desires and considers his subjects and his responsibilities as a High Lord last and least important of all? Who has so much trust in his wife, in his High Lady, the mother of his son that he doesn’t tell her she will almost surely die on a birthing bed because it MAY UPSET HER? 

This plotline was the straw that broke my back. ACOTAR, at it’s heart has always been a ya fantasy with added ‘spice’ and I was willing to bend my critical-thinking skills in many cases and forget and forgive many smaller idiotic issues in this series. But this? It is not idiotic. It is massive and stupid to the point when it becomes insulting to the reader. It was a plot straight out of a bad fanfic, not something that should be in a published book written by someone who writes for a living. You could even argue that Twilight has handled this toxic trope better.  I have wasted my money on this book and thinking about it will always be painful for me. So yeah.

ACOSF could be great. Ended up quite pathetic. 

#acosf #acosf spoilers #a court of silver flames #rhysand #feysand

[callunavulgari]

YEAR-IN-BOOKS | 2020

So. Last year I read 112 books. The year before that I read 89. The year before that I read 39. This year I have (thus far) read 87 books out of my goal of 75 and will likely at least one or two more before the end of the year. So, click below if you want rambly book recs!

1. a book you loved?

This year has been rough. Like, I’m looking back at the books I read in January and am genuinely horrified to realize that I read them a scant twelve months ago when it feels like I read them at least three years ago. I’m glad I kept my limit lower this year, because enjoying anything this year has been harder than usual. I did read some decent books though, and I think the one I loved the most was Gideon the Ninth (and it’s sequel, Harrow the Ninth). They’re both fantastic books, and so deeply unexpected. Reading the first chapter or so of Gideon’s book is like getting whiplash. You go into it expecting angsty lady necromancers and get a crossdressing bee that secretes hallucinogenic substances and pulsates in time to the music in your head. Literally, Gideon’s dialogue is so out of left field that I spent half the book delightedly confused. But it is genuinely funny? And lesbian necromancers in space is just.. such an underutilized concept. Harrow’s book was a little harder - her head space is weird and everything is intentionally fucking with you so you really are confused for 90% of it, but I think the pay off was more than worth it.

2. a book you hated?

I was deeply, DEEPLY disappointed by The Secret Commonwealth. I finished it near the end of January and was just so fucking mad for days. Because the thing is, my expectations were not super high. I was excited for it, mostly because a grown up version of Lyra is something that I thought I would only ever experience in fanfiction. Now, I wish I’d only experienced her in fanfiction. Graphic attempted rape, retroactively confirming a rape happened in a previous book (one where it was implied that the victim got away in time), retroactively raping a character from the previous trilogy... like. I’m sorry. But fuck that noise. Fuck Philip Pullman. Fuck any douchebag asshole who thinks a woman has to be raped in order to write compelling fiction. I was riding the high of the new HBO series (which was good) and I guess I just... thought the author would have some goddamn integrity.

3. a book that made you cry?

We Are Okay was a really gorgeous, tender little book about grief that I read in one sitting in my bed when I really should have been sleeping. I read this book in March, when things only kind of hurt for me. When things were still largely okay. Before the bulk of covid hit my side of the world. Before self-isolation was an every day thing, not just something in books. Before Mal. Before getting covid. But ultimately, this was a book about healing. It aches, yes, but it also soothes.

4. a book that made you happy?

Both Beach Read and Written in the Stars made me pretty happy. Both romcoms done right, the first is a book about a romance writer falling in love with a thriller/mystery writer. They’re staying at neighboring beach houses and spend a summer getting themselves out of their comfort zones by challenging the other to write in the other person’s chosen genre. It’s sweet. It’s sexy. Over all, a really fun read, with enough depths to keep me engaged.

The second book is a meet-cute that involves astrology, fake dating, and lesbians. It’s written phenomenally well, and gave me a brief surge of happiness when I needed it most.

5. the best sequel?

Probably Harrow. The Dragon Republic is a great second choice though. Again, it’s a hard book, and I wouldn’t have been able to read it any later in the year than I did, because it is... not a happy book. But it is, in my opinion, a good one. And I am still excited about the third.

6. most anticipated release for the new year?

I am hoping to get the as of yet Untitled sequel to Ninth House in 2021. I am also hoping to actually be able to read The Rhythms of War in the new year, since I doubt I’ll get a chance in 2020. I’m looking forward to Mister Impossible, the second book in the Ronan trilogy by Maggie Stiefvater. I’m looking forward to the Hourglass Throne, which I think is coming in 2021? A Desolation Called Peace in March. The Thorn of Emberlain might actually be out in October, which will be wonderful it doesn’t get pushed back again. Rule of Wolves, the King of Scars Duology in the Grishaverse will also be March. One Last Stop by Casey McQuistion in May!!!!

7. favorite new author?

Defintely Tamsyn Muir. I will also be keeping an eye out for Alexandriua Bellefleur’s stuff...

8. favorite book to film adaptation?

Uh, can I say MDSZ/The Untamed without actually having read the original text? Well, I’ve read a few chapters, but damn.

9. the most surprising book?

Taproot. It’s this little graphic novel about a gardener who can see ghosts. And like. It still makes me warm to think about how tender it is.

10. the most interesting villain?

Does Loki: Where Mischief Lies count? Since Loki is technically a villain, even if he’s only villain adjacent in this book.

11. the best makeouts?

I... don’t know? I didn’t real read any of these books for makeouts. Not this year. 

12. a book that was super frustrating?

Boyfriend Material. It has great ratings! It has fake dating! But the story was very so-so for me. 

13. a book you texted about, and the text was IN CAPSLOCK?

I think I yelled at Nick a few times about how pissed I was at the Secret Commonwealth.

14. a book for the small children in your life?

The House in the Cerulean Sea is a book about a case worker at the department in charge of magical youth and he is charged with traveling to an island and making a very important decision about the children living there. It was adorable and I wish I’d had a book like it when I was young.

15. a book you learned from?

That is not the sort of book that I was reading in 2020.

16. a book you wouldn’t normally try?

I read a couple mysteries. Some were good. Most made me remember why I don’t read mysteries.

17. a book with something magical in it?

Call Down the Hawk, because all of Maggie’s books are at least a little bit magical. And while this definitely didn’t hit quite the same vibes that the Raven Cycle did, it was still very, very good.

18. the best clothes?

Gideon the Ninth and Harrow the Ninth have the best goth aesthetic I have ever seen in a book. Also, The Invisible Life of Addie Larue, because Addie’s clothes always sounded cute and comfortable.

19. the most well-rounded characters?

The City We Became had some fantastic characters. It was really interesting to see Jemisin get out of her typical fantasy setting and this novel was so out of this world. 

20. the best world-building?

Deeplight! It’s described as Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea meets Frankenstein and that is pretty accurate. Old gods that traversed the sea tore each other apart and now the world tries to get a hold of their corpses for amazing powers. It was really, really cool and probably the best book I could have chosen to read at the beach.

21. the worst world-building?

Eh. Most of the books I hated I didn’t keep reading this year.

22. a book with a good sidekick?

I really like all of the characters in the Tarot Sequence. There are some solid characters, even if there’s basically no women. Also Graceling.

23. the most insufferable narrator?

I was not a fan of The Mysterious Benedict Society, mostly because of the narrator. It was so boring and I quit halfway through.

24. a book you were excited to read for months beforehand?

Return of the Thief. Which... was still mostly good. But the ending felt lackluster for me. I may go back and reread the series and see if it feels more genuine after I’ve read them all together.

25. a book you picked up on a whim?

I literally picked up Written in the Stars because the cover was pretty and it looked like the romance was between two girls. And it did nooooot fail me.

26. a book that should be read in a foreign country?

Shrug emoji.

27. a book cassian andor would like?

I still don’t know what to make of this question.

28. a book gina linetti would like?

Shrug emoji.

29. your favorite cover art?

Gideon and Harrow, honestly. I also really liked Under the Udala Trees.

30. a book you read in translation?

I genuinely don’t know.

31. a book from another century?

Teeeeechnically The Great Hunt?

32. a book you reread?

I reread the Diviners and the Captive Prince series near the beginning of the year. They were still delightful.

33. a book you’re dying to talk about, and why?

Into the Drowning Deep was fucking amazing. I love Mira Grant’s work anyway and there’s this scene where a character pilots a submersible into the Marianas Trench and experiences your first face-to-face encounters with the sirens and like. AHHHHHHHHHH. It was so spooky and beautiful and just genuinely amazing.

TLDR; 2020 sucked, most books still couldn’t pierce through the depression, but there were a few bangers.

#heather says what #new year's memes #2020 #books to read #recommendations #fuck yeah recs!!

[darnloveablecharacters]

Far From Home, Part Twelve: Miracles

Series Summary: Reader is torn from her reality and dumped into the middle of a war. Will she make it home? Or will she find where she belongs? A Rogue One Reader Insert Fanfiction. Gifs and recognizable characters are not mine, but the story and all of the mistakes are!

Far From Home - Masterlist

Chapter Notes: So, the song here happened to be playing when I was writing one of the earlier chapters... and I realized that it really fits the world they’re living in. Boom. Moment of Clarity. :-) Song is ‘When You Believe’ which is performed beautifully by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. It is from the movie, Prince of Egypt. If you haven’t seen/heard it.... worth a google for the song alone. But the movie is pretty great too.

Warnings for this chapter: PTSD  

To say the presentation of K-2 went well, was an understatement. General Draven actually smiled. Like, legitimately smiled.

It was terrifying.

He congratulated Cassian and I for “bringing such a valuable asset to the cause.” In General Draven speak, I think it means he loves us and wants to adopt us.

Probably not.

I’m still going to think it.

After the presentation, I was disappointed to find out that Boe Boe and Rhayna had been given another mission and were due to leave in an hour. I wasn’t cleared for off-planet missions yet, so I was grounded and would be working with the team of mechanics to keep the ships up and running. I was torn between feeling grateful and bored.

You haven’t even started yet.

I left with Boe Boe and Rhayna chatting happily. Cassian stayed behind to discuss his next mission with the General. I couldn’t help the pang of sadness that he would probably be leaving soon as well.

And you wouldn’t even let him kiss you.

We sat down on some crates just outside of the hangar, and Boe Boe provided snacks while we waited for their ship to be loaded with supplies.

God bless this Gran, he always has food.

Sitting in a peaceful silence, Boe Boe nudged me. “So, I couldn’t help but notice. What’s going on between you and Captain Andor?”

I choked on the food in my mouth.

I take back my blessing.

When I could breathe again, I tried to play coy, “What do you mean?”

Smooth.

“Oh, come on, don’t play dumb.” He held out a finger to count. “He hand-picks you for your first mission.”

He did?

Boe Boe holds out a second finger. “When he brought you back injured, he nearly killed anyone in his path with his expression alone as he carried you to the med bay.”

I looked at Rhayna and she just shrugged.

Thanks for the support friend.

Time for the third finger. “Every moment when he wasn’t working on that miserable droid, he was in the med bay watching over you. I don’t think he even slept until you woke up the first time.”

He… watched over you.

I was almost nervous to hear what may come next, but Boe Boe held his fourth finger and said. “Last but not least, he re-programmed that droid for you. No one has ever done it before, but he did it so your first mission wouldn’t be a failure.”

Wow.

“So, I believe there’s something going on there. And as your best friend…” This earned a glare from Rhayna, “I have the right to know.”

“We’re just…” I said, biting my lip trying to figure out how to describe the dynamics of Cassian and I. It bothered me that I wasn’t even sure what to call us.

“Friends?” Boe Boe said, suspiciously.

“Lovers?” Rhayna said with a grin.

“Partners.” I decided.

They both groaned.

“Fine then, keep your secrets.” I smiled as Boe Boe threw my words back at me.

“I give it a week before she confesses her undying love for him.” Rhayna said, winking at me.

“Nah, they’re both stubborn. My bet is at least a month.” Boe Boe challenged.

Feeling a blush creep into my cheeks, I watched as they set the terms. Apparently, my love life is worth fifty credits.

Not bad.

It was late by the time Boe Boe and Rhayna had departed. Exhausted, I decided to head back to my room to get some sleep and prepare for my first day working with the mechanics. It wasn’t until I stood in front of my door that I remembered the nightmare. This would be the first night I would try sleeping again without the medication, and I felt sick knowing what may be in store for me.

Remember what Cassian said.

I took a deep breath. “The nightmares mean there is still hope for us.”

Good girl.

Steeling myself, I walked in the room and went to bed.

The nightmare started the same as before.

K-2SO was at my side, and I was pointing my blaster at the man in front of me.

“You have a one-hundred percent chance of dying if you don’t shoot now.” K-2 said.

This time, when I looked back, it was Boe Boe who was pointing the blaster at me.

I looked desperately back at K-2. “There has to be another way.” I pleaded.

“Your own death is an option.” Was his cold response.

I could feel the tears start to fall as I turned back to my friend and squeezed the trigger.

Your friends will die because of you.

“No, I can save them.” I said, rushing to Boe Boe’s side.

You can’t help them, you’re weak.

As I watched Boe Boe’s life fade, I realized that I believed the words.

I woke up screaming again. I was alone this time, and I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

It was just a dream.

“Is it?” I choked out between sobs.

It’s all in your head.

“What if they die?”

You can’t save everyone.

“Then what’s the point?”

There was no answer, and it bothered me. I needed to get away. I threw the covers off myself and ran out of my bedroom, desperate for air. I was fortunate enough to find that the halls were empty, the majority of the base inhabitants fast asleep. Even then, I didn’t want to take the chance that someone may see me in my distressed state, so I took a less direct route outside.

I burst through the door that led outside and stopped, gasping in the cool air of the night. To my immense relief, there was no one in sight. Once my breathing stabilized, I sat in the dirt leaning against the temple wall. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them trying to relax. As I always have when I am frightened, I asked the questions.

What do you know for sure?

“My name is Y/N. I am 23 years old. I live on Yavin 4. I am a Captain in the Alliance to Restore the Public.”

Why?

That one was new.

“I…. I want to help.”

Who?

“All of them. Everyone who lost their homes and families to the Empire. Boe Boe. Rhayna. Cassian…”

How?

A tear escaped my eye, and I hugged my knees closer to my chest. “I don’t know.”

That’s not good enough.

I wiped the tears off my face, then took a deep, steadying breath. “I’m going to fight for them. I’m going to do anything I can, whatever it takes, to help them find their peace.”

Good girl.

I don’t know how long I sat there, thinking of the friends I had made since I arrived at Yavin 4. Knowing that they were out there somewhere, gave me comfort. Eventually, I thought of what Cassian had said trying to comfort me in the med bay.

He said that you’re safe now. You’re home.

In the time I had spent on Earth, I had never felt the warmth that began to spread through me in that moment. This world may be dark and terrifying in every way, but the people here had swiftly worked their way into my heart. I had found my home, after all this time.

I smiled, comforted be the sudden realization. It was in that moment that a song I had heard as a child popped in my head and I couldn’t help but sing it to the trees.

Many nights we've prayed, with no proof anyone could hear. In our hearts a hopeful song, we barely understood.

Now we are not afraid. Although we know there's much to fear. We were moving mountains long before we knew we could.

There can be miracles, when you believe. Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill. Who knows what miracles you can achieve. When you believe, somehow you will. You will when you believe.

In this time of fear, when prayers so often prove in vain. Hope seems like the summer birds, so swiftly flown away.

Yet now I'm standing here. My heart's so full I can't explain. Seeking faith and speaking words, I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles, when you believe. Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill. Who knows what miracles you can achieve. When you believe, somehow you will. You will when you believe.

They don't always happen when you ask. And it's easy to give in to your fears. But when your blinded by your pain, can't see your way straight through the rain. A small but still, resilient voice, says love is very near.

There can be miracles, when you believe. Through hope is frail, it's hard to kill. Who knows what miracles you can achieve. When you believe, somehow you will. Now you will. You will when you believe.

By the time I finished the song, I felt better.

“Y/N?” I jumped, startled, when I heard Cassian’s voice.

Sneaky sneaky.

“Captain Andor, I didn’t realize you were here.” I said as I stood and brushed the dirt off my clothes.

“I’m sorry.” He said dipping his head, “I didn’t mean to startle you. I just, didn’t expect to hear a voice out here at this time.” He kept his focus on the dirt.

He heard you.

I felt my cheeks flush. “I just needed some fresh air.”

He nodded, and I could tell that he truly understood what I meant. He looked up at me, curious. “That song, is it yours?”

I shook my head. “No, it’s just something I heard when I was young.”

He smiled. “It’s beautiful.”

The song? It couldn’t possibly be the singing.

“It seemed fitting for the everything that is happening.” I said, feeling strangely uncomfortable.

“It is.” He agreed.

At least you both have one thing in common. Small talk is not your strong suit.

We stood there for a few moments in silence. The more time passed, the more uncomfortable I felt.

Maybe you should say something to him.

“I’m tired. I’m going to head back and get some sleep.” I said, yawning.

Oh, good. What better words could there possibly be to describe your affections than, ‘I’m tired.’

Cassian remained silent for a moment, then chuckled. “Good night, Captain Y/L/N.”

“Good night, Captain Andor.” I said, walking away.

You’re hopeless.

I made it back to my room and entered the bathroom. Gripping the sink hard, I glared at myself in the mirror.

He wanted to talk to you.

“Even if that’s true, which it probably isn’t, now is not the time.”

Because there are hundreds of opportunities in a rebellion.

“Shut up brain, I’ll talk to him. Just not now.”

He heard you sing.

“Poor guy.”

He’ll be on a mission before you wake up again, what if he doesn’t come back?

I flinched at the thought. “There’s no guarantee that any of us will ever come back.”

Then you’ll just let him go without ever saying anything.

“Stop, it’s just not the right time.”

Then when is the right time?

“I’m not even sure if he feels that way about me.”

You’re obviously not paying attention. Fine then, don’t complain to me if you never get another chance.

“Go to bed brain.”

Fine

“Fine.”

I left the bathroom and laid down in my bed sighing heavily. As much as a tried not to, I thought about Cassian. In reality, we have only even been around each other a handful of times. However, every time we have met at any point, my life has been changed dramatically. It makes sense, in a way, for me to have feelings for him. He, on the other hand, would not be so affected by my presence. His life wouldn’t have changed by my showing up.

Are you so sure about that?

“All of this is really just a Tuesday for him.” I said, allowing myself a sad smile.

Think about what Boe Boe said.

“He was just making fun of me. He knows that I like Cassian.”

Think about the way he acts around you. Every move he makes when you’re around.

I thought about all that has happened between us in the few times we’ve spent together. The more I focused on the details, the more it dawned on me. Every move he makes around me, in its own way, has been protective.

Except for when he pointed a blaster at you.

“That’s true, but then he lead me to his ship. He brought me here when he had no reason to.”

Then he imprisoned you.

I covered my face with my pillow, frustrated.

“Who’s side are you on exactly?”

Just admit it to yourself at least. You’ll feel better.

“I love him.” I said, without hesitation.

Wow.

“Wow.” It was then, after saying it out loud, that everything clicked into place. The feeling of home, the reason for joining the rebellion in the first place. It was Cassian. It was always Cassian.

Told you, now go talk to him like a grown up.

I rolled back out of bed, wondering how I would even start the conversation.

How about, ‘Oh, by the way. I love you.’

“Maybe something a little less terrifying.” I mumbled. I opened the door and nearly jumped out of my skin as I came face-to-face with K-2SO. “K-2, don’t do that!” I said, breathless.

“I am merely standing here. It was you that came running out of the door without thinking to check if someone was on the other side.” He said.

I glared at him. “Why are you here?”

“I am here to help you in any way I can.”

Didn’t see that coming.

I smiled at the droid, “Thank you, K.”

“Cassian told me to.”

Ah.

“Oh.” I said, then remembered my reason for leaving the room in the first place. “Where is Captain Andor now?”

“He departed five minutes ago.”

“Oh.” I felt my stomach drop as the disappointment flooded through me. “Did he say when he would return?”

K-2 cocked his head to the side. “He did not say. Just that I need to help you while he is away.”

I nodded at this, trying to hide my sadness. “I’m on light-duty for a while, meet me in the hangar tomorrow morning.” I said, dismissing the droid.

“Very well, Captain.” He said, and walked away toward the hangar.

I slid back into my room and, once again, slumped down onto the bed. The disappointment was overwhelming, and it made me feel nauseous.

“I’ll tell him when he gets back.” I said, praying that I would get the chance.

You better.

“I will.”

#rogue one imagine #rogue one reader insert #cassian x reader #cassian imagine #cassian andor x reader

[personagf-moved]

celestial | iv. dreams

PREVIOUS PARTS: INTRO. | i. WHAT YOU TAKE / ii. THE TRAITOR / iii. TESSELLATE

"Run, and don't look back!" Cassian roared over the explosions, dust and rubble raining down from above.

Alma was sprinting down the street, hands shaking as she raised her blaster, gunning down any stormtrooper who got in her way.

Her dark eyes darted across the crowded street; only minutes earlier she had been walking down this way, on her way home. Now, innocent civilians were screaming in horror, caught in the crossfire of the rebellion and the empire.

"Cass!" Alma cried out, turning around to shoot a stormtrooper just before he threw a grenade in their direction. They both watched as the blast engulfed him, taking any other soldier in white who was unlucky enough to be close by.

Alma watched the flames dance and twist in the breeze. Her breath came out uneven as she asked, "What do we do now?"

"We keep running." Cassian replied solemnly, before bumping her shoulder with his blaster, urging her to keep going.

Alma was close behind, but as hard as she tried to tune it out, the soldier's cries of agony rang through the chaos, following her deeper and deeper into the battle.

___

The ship hummed as they darted through the galaxy.

They had made it back just before the explosions shook the planet, war tearing apart the once beautiful city. Alma watched from the window as the flames swallowed it whole, before they went into hyper space.

She leaned back against the unforgiving metal, feeling the vibrations in her skull as she closed her eyes, letting sleep take her.

Cassian sat next to her, watching as she fell into a fitful slumber. She shuffled every few seconds, face contorting in agony before easing back to a neutral expression.

He sighed, knowing what dreams she must be having, he'd been having the same ones since they were children. Imagining everyone you love die is a horrible nightmare, but the real horror is waking up and realizing that your dreams are reality.  

Despite it all, he still couldn't believe that she was here. Before, he thought about the torture she must've been enduring under the Empire, and he used that anger as motivation for fighting back, to avenge everyone they took from him. But now, as he watched her breathe and dream, he felt something new.

Alma woke with a start, gasping for breath. She looked around wildly, and Cassian immediately moved to calm her, reassure her that he was there.

"Hey, it's okay," Cassian murmured, grabbing her shoulders, rubbing them gently. "You're safe."

She stared at him, the look of panic still on her face as she tried to slow her breathing. Shaking her head, she mentally cursed herself as the tears started again.

Cassian immediately pulled her into his arms, and he told her to close her eyes, to go back to sleep, but he didn't know that every time she closed her eyes, all she saw was the little girl, hazel eyes still alive as they stared off into the light.

___

"Alma," he whispered, "we're here."

Cassian gently placed a hand on her shoulder, waking her up. She slowly leaned forward, in complete awe as the ship landed on Yavin 4.

It was dusk, so she could only see the sun fading under the great mountains, but the last strain of light spread over the base, casting a warm glow over the vine covered temple. All around pilots and soldiers rushed to their stations; Alma couldn't find one person who was standing still.

"Come on," Cassian smiled, amused by the look of amazement on her face as she processed it all. Silently, she took his hand, following him out of the ship.

The bustle was even louder and more hectic as they made their way through the crowd. From all over, people called out to Cassian, some waving while others clapped him on the shoulder, welcoming him back.

Alma, out of habit, pulled the shawl over her head, absentmindedly tugging it over the right side of her face as the others began to look. Back then, she got used to people's stares lingering on her scars, she learned to ignore them as she walked on, but now, she had to start all over again.

Cassian, however, was too preoccupied by what a pilot was saying, updating him on what he missed while he was away. He led the pair to the main headquarters, shoving through various species of rebels to finally reach the center of the room.

There, a female humanoid stood with her back facing the three humans, arguing with a tall man of dark hair and tanned skin, looking over maps projected into the air.

She wore a long hooded cape as black as night, but with the hood down, Alma recognized her to be Togruta, and it wasn't until she turned around that her identity was confirmed.

Alma could only stare in disbelief, eyes wide as the Togruta beheld both her and Cassian.

"This is the one I've been telling you about," Cassian began, gesturing over to Alma, who still held the look of bewilderment on her face.

"Alma Halding," she smiled, "Cassian's spoken highly of you for quite some time. Are, you okay?" she asked, noticing the young woman's surprise.

"You're...Ahsoka Tano," Alma breathed.

Cassian grinned then. He had forgotten the tales Alma used to tell him as children. She would meet him in their castle, teeming with stories her parents had shared with one another after their missions. They tried to keep Alma from hearing them, afraid that she would be alarmed by the violence of it all, but she always put her ear against the door, hid around the corner, anything to hear about the adventures they had. They were Rebels before it even became a part of their vocabulary, members of the government who secretly worked with other spies to maintain peace across the galaxy.

Cassian remembered the day she came running, out of breath as she spoke of a great padawan named Ahsoka Tano, who had defected from the Jedi, but was a gifted fighter and stronger than she believed.

He watched Alma now, practically giddy with excitement as Ahsoka laughed, "I am."

"I'm sorry," Cassian said, "I'd forgotten how big of a fan she is."

Alma could feel the heat rushing to her face, nudging his arm with her elbow as he snickered. "Stop it," she grumbled, but smiled anyway as he kept on laughing. "I just heard stories about you, that's all."

"All good ones I hope," Ahsoka replied, and when Alma nodded she averted her gaze to the shawl, "you're safe inside now, you don't need to hide your face from us all."

Alma's smile faltered. She looked around the room, realizing that no one was staring besides Cassian and Ahsoka. So she hesitantly reached up and pulled down the fabric, watching as Ahsoka's eyes landed on the scars.

"What have they done to you?" she murmured.

Alma blinked, finding the courage to speak through Cassian's warmth as he leaned against her shoulder. "Enough to make me want to fight back." she replied, finally meeting the Togruta's eyes.

Ahsoka grinned, "Then you'll fit right in."

___

She had left an hour later, informing Alma and Cassian of other Rebel bases she had to sort out business with.

But before she left, she, along with General Draven, gave the green light to recruit Alma. Cassian knew they would approve, but it was still a matter of formality they had to go through. He was overjoyed, but even though Alma matched his excitement, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was bothering her, that her being allowed to stay just wasn't sitting right with her.

He helped her settle in to her quarters anyway, giving her fresh clothes and supplies, and after, he was about to walk out and give her time to get settled, but before he could close the door she called out to him, "Cass, wait."

He hesitated, but stepped back in the room, closing the door behind him as she beckoned for him to sit next to her.

Feeling the hard mattress give way to his bodyweight, he looked over to see the glazed look in Alma's eyes.

There was a silence that hung over the both of them as she tried to find the right words, but after a few moments, she whispered, "when you found me, you saw the girl I was holding."

Cassian nodded. He spoke the words so she wouldn't have to, "her name was Sola. She volunteered to find you, insisted upon it, really. "

He felt her body tense against his shoulder, but he continued, "Lost her parents when she was 6, like us. Lost her brother and sister a few years after that. When I found her, she was alone, living off scraps she could scavenge off of civilians. The girl was dying."

Alma blinked, feeling the moisture running down her cheeks.

"But she became a soldier. Lost her childhood, but we all did too. When she died, she died knowing that she had found you, Alma. Had found hope."

She looked up at him then, "What do you mean?"

Cassian whispered,"One day, during her training, something broke in her. She never told me what was wrong, but I think it's better she didn't.

"She asked me, 'why do you get up everyday? why do you still fight?' and, for a while, I didn't think I could give her an answer. I thought about everything that happened, to my family, to our home, to you, and I just couldn't see past my anger.

"But, instead, I told her about you, about our little castle on a cloud," he glanced over at her then, both smiling as they remembered the fort. "I told her that after everything we endured, every life we lost, I still had you. Of course, she asked where you were, and I had to tell her. She had no one else, Alma. So she wanted to help, to make sure I wouldn't be alone..."

Cassian stopped, trying to compose himself as he felt his grief finally pour in, the tight feeling in his chest that he had been trying to fight off since he saw the child's body in Alma's arms. He didn't think he cared that much, didn't know that the little girl had left such an impression on him, but as Alma rested her head against his shoulder, grabbing his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze, he was finally able to just feel.

" She told me," He turned to look down at Alma, who met his tearful gaze, " that she'd help me find my hope. "

They were both silent then, holding on to each other as they were left to their thoughts.

"Stay tonight, please." Alma whispered, knowing how late it was.

Cassian only nodded, following her body as they lay down on the bed, her head resting on his heart as they stared at the ceiling.

After a long silence, Cassian finally spoke, "Before, I thought I was just fighting for revenge, and maybe...maybe that's how it started. But now... Now I know it's not all for hate. It's for you, for the future... for hope."

Alma held him tighter, feeling his arm wrap around her body, pulling her in close.

That night, Cassian dreamed of a long, dark tunnel. He saw himself running, trying to reach the light at the end. He didn't know what was behind him, it was too dark to see, but it didn't matter, because all he knew was that he had to reach the figure standing in the bright light. They were calling his name, trying to grab his hand as he reached out.

Before their fingers could brush, he fell forward, and suddenly he was swimming in stars, watching as ships passed him by, planets orbiting all around. The voice still called out to him, but it was soon drowned out by a bell, ringing and crashing in his ears.

When he awoke, he immediately reached out for Alma, who was now on her side, facing the other direction as she slept. As he leaned into her warmth, he felt her body rise and fall gently, her breathing pattern slowly lulling him back to sleep.

Alma dreamt too, but it wasn't a bell that haunted her.

In her dreams, she was alone in a crowded room of strangers.

Their eyes surrounded her, calling her a collaborator, a coward, a traitor.

#cassian andor #cassian andor fic #cassian fic #diego luna #rogue one