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wolfeyedwitch · 3 years

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And Still Part 8

No. 19 - JUST A SCRATCH

bitten | bleeding | stabbing

Have some backstory, everyone!

No CWs for this one I think, other than just some general bad headspaces for the characters and some negative self-talk. Let me know if I missed anything!

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

Masterlist

“Devin, I didn’t kill Lyn. I loved her.”

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Avery was coming from her supply run to Civilian and Spouse when her pack raised the alarm.

~Intruder! Enemy!~

She ran to where Shadow and Stone were calling from, light-footed as any of her pack despite the load she was carrying. She arrived to see…

Well. It was certainly something.

A human had come into their territory. Normally humans would be ignored; they didn’t respect pack claims like wolves, so Avery couldn’t defend her territory against them without causing more problems than it solved. Hunters came and went through the woods, never knowing that they were almost always being watched by wolves.

This human was not another hunter. She was, unfortunately, someone that the pack knew all too well. She was a member of Heroes League, the attack dogs sent after individuals that the people in power deemed as threats.

Avery, having been deemed a threat the moment she was beyond Corporation’s reach, was unfortunately familiar with this heroine. She didn’t know the woman’s name, but she knew her face.

And so did her pack. Hence why this human had been deemed an intruder, an enemy, rather than just another annoyance.

The heroine, for her part, had responded to being snarled at by wolves by… well. Avery would say the woman had treed herself, had she actually climbed a tree. Instead, she appeared to be perching rather precariously at the top of a distinctly unnatural stalagmite.

A stalagmite in the middle of the forest.

The woman stopped watching the wolves and turned her attention to Avery. She looked far too pleased to see someone that Heroes League had deemed a villain.

“Hi!” she said brightly. “This is a happy accident here. I was actually hoping to find you!”

Avery cocked her head, regarding the strange human. “Why,” she said flatly.

The woman seemed determined to make up for Avery’s flat affect by being extra cheerful. “I wanted to talk to you!”

At that, Avery clenched her jaw, nostrils flaring. In her experience, humans rarely wanted to talk. They always wanted something, usually something she couldn’t or wouldn’t give. “Why.”

The heroine finally seemed to catch on to Avery’s seriousness. “Because I think Heroes League made a mistake, and that you shouldn’t be treated like a villain. I want to talk with you about your actions and get your side of the story.”

That drew Avery up short. She blinked rapidly, trying to make sense of the information. ~Thoughts?~ she asked the wolves.

~Hero-woman seems genuine,~ Stone said. ~Smells like fear-sweat and exertion, but no lies.~

~Don’t trust,~ Shadow added, a statement and a command. ~She is powerful. Power makes trouble.~

~I’m powerful,~ Avery thought back.

Shadow huffed a canine laugh. ~My point.~

The woman looked between Avery and the pair of wolves as if tracking their silent conversation. “Look, this conversation would be easier to have face to face. Are they going to bite me if I come down?”

Shadow and Stone both did the wolf equivalent of an eye roll. Avery did the human equivalent. The woman blushed.

Avery pointedly looked the woman up and down. “Too skinny,” she said, hoping that her voice carried enough tone to convey her sarcasm and humor. “Not worth the trouble.”

The woman actually looked like she was about to protest for a moment, then pulled herself up short. “That was a joke!” she said, sounding delighted. The stalagmite melted itself back into the forest floor, bringing her down to ground level. “That was funny,” she added, now nearly within arms reach.

“I’m Lynnura,” she said, extending her hand.

Avery stared at it. This was a human custom, she knew that much, but she didn’t know how to complete it properly. “Avery,” she said finally, her voice beginning to go scratchy with how much she had used it that day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“That was how I first met her,” Avery said quietly. She sipped at her water to avoid any unseemly display of emotion. She was trying to get the pup—Devin—to understand; any outbursts on her part would only make it harder. “Met her properly, anyway.”

Devin stared at her, a small furrow between his brows. It looked far too comfortable there on such a young face. “And what, she just moved in to your little forest home with you?”

Avery shook her head. She was not going to get upset at the—Devin’s anger and vitriol. He was scared, and he felt cornered here in her den. Of course he was going to lash out. It was on her to keep her temper in check to not scare him any worse. “No, that was later.”

“Wait, seriously?” Devin asked, eyes wide.

Oh. Apparently that had been sarcasm. Avery felt her cheeks prickle with heat at missing that, but nodded in response to the question. “We talked. That day and more. She stayed with Heroes League for a while longer, but eventually she said she couldn’t take their hypocrisy and double standards and she wanted to stay here with me, permanently. I told her it wouldn’t be an easy life; she came anyway.”

Avery gestured around the den. “She built this place. Hollowed it out. It had been just a small cave before, back when it was just me, Shadow, and Stone. She made it bigger, made it a big enough place to live somewhat comfortably. Live like people.” She huffed derisively at that. “Big enough to let the pack grow.

“We knew I would be held to blame if she disappeared. We talked it through. She thought it worth the discomforts of a life in the wilderness to be with me; I thought it worth the risks of the heroes’ ire to be with her. We were happy.” The sweet taste of those emotions had turned to bitterness with Lyn gone.

“She made this for me,” Avery said, pulling off her ring and handing it to Devin. “Citrine and rose quartz, for protection and loyalty. We would never be able to make it official, we couldn’t go to a courthouse with my status on the Heroes League’s watchlist, but we considered ourselves bonded.” No, that wasn’t the human word for it. “Married.”

Devin turned the ring between his fingers, watching it catch the light. “Then what…”

“What happened?” Avery guessed. He nodded in response, and she sighed. “My past came back to haunt me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lyn was holding them back for now, but it wouldn’t last much longer. She was already beginning to tremble from the strain of so much geomanipulation.

“Go!” she shouted. “It’s you they want, not me! Get out of here!”

Corporation’s people had found them. The women had been bold enough to enter the outskirts of the city, to “get more human contact” as Lynnura had put it. They were alone, none of the rest of the pack with them. It was too risky to take wolves near a human settlement. Apparently, even the small amount of human contact they had gotten was enough to let Corporation know its missing asset had been located.

Avery wavered, looking between her beloved and the people who were trying to capture them. “What about you, I can’t—”

“Yes you can, now GO!” Lyn screamed. She took her attention off holding back Corporation’s people to give Avery a small shove through the asphalt and concrete, sending Avery stumbling back towards the woods.

She took off, running away like a coward. She looked back only once, and saw her beloved be taken down by the tranquilizer guns that Corporation’s people carried.

I will find you, Lyn, Avery promised as she ran. Wherever they take you, however long it takes, I will find you. And I will get you back.

@heathenville @nonbinary-disaster @kim-poce

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trampohlena · 3 years

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Okay, so after last night’s episode I would just like to say that Supercorp IS Endgame. I’d also like to point out the various reasons as to why Kara and Lena are not only soulmates but true twin flames.

For those reading this post who have never heard of the term twin flame: “A twin flame is your own soul, shared across what appears to be two physical beings. It’s one soul, split into two bodies.” -Google’s definition.

For those who are spiritually inclined and have a proclivity for indulging esoteric philosophies; Lena and Kara are ABSOLUTELY twin FUCKING flames 🔥🔥🔥!!

Here are the reasons why:

1. Their drastically different childhoods that resulted in remarkably similar trauma.

Both Kara and Lena have experienced great loss throughout their life. Both mourned the death of their parents, and life as they knew it, at a very early age. Both were shipped off to a foreign land, forced to leave behind everything they knew, in hopes for a brighter/safer future.

Albeit, Lena got the shorter end of the stick in regards to unconditional love, but both were given a second chance and a new start...and yet, they still never fit in, or felt like they truly belonged.

Although they individually have dealt with said trauma in different ways (Lena by pushing away those who try to get too close, and Kara by holding on tightly to those she holds dear) both of their actions are motivated by the same subconscious fear that they HAVE never and WILL never TRULY belong. All while yearning for a sense of “home”.

2. They are opposite reflections of each other; true “mirror souls”, if you will.

Physically, aesthetically, economically, and emotionally—they are complete “mirrors” of one another.

Kara is strong, physically powerful, cut from marble, all hard edges and sharp lines—except for her face. Lena is clearly not as physically powerful, she is soft, all curves, and exudes the grace of the Devine feminine energy—except for her face, which is hard edges and sharp jaw lines. You see what I’m saying?

Aesthetically and economically go hand in hand of course. Lena’s exorbitant wealth is evident in her high-end designer appearance; whereas Kara’s aesthetic is more humble and grounded, and prioritizes comfort over “fashion”. (Let’s admit it. Some of Kara’s fashion choices have been questionable. She clearly rocks the chinos and button-downs better than anything else in that eclectic closet of hers she refuses to come out of 😏)

Emotionally...oh honey. Do I need to say more? I won’t say much but I will say this: Kara is the sun and Lena is the moon. They compliment each other in a way that ensures the world keeps turning.

3. Their individual strengths are the other’s individual weakness and vice versa.

Goes along with the aforementioned “opposite reflection” point above but I’ll expand a bit further in regards to their specific personality traits.

Lena is predominately analytically driven, whereas Kara is emotionally driven. Lena is good in crowds, Kara is not (overwhelmed). Lena is introverted, Kara is extroverted. Lena is detail oriented and has the memory of an elephant, Kara is clumsy and as forgetful as a Pisces (but hey, she has a lot on her plate and barely any free time to balance it). Lena eats like a rabbit-bird-hybrid and Kara eats like a garbage disposal. Kara loves giving and receiving hugs and other forms of physical affection whereas Lena does not (UNLESS it’s from Kara, of course). Etc. Etc. you get the picture.

4. Now this one is the DEAD GIVEAWAY. Undeniable, irrefutable PROOF that Lena and Kara are twin flames.

They are LITERALLY completing what is know as the Twin Flame Journey or the Twin Flame Union.

The stages of Twin Flame Union are roughly as follows:

1. Yearning for “the one”. I think every human being that believes in love experiences this whether it’s throughout their entire life, or only their adult life until they meet this person but yeah. You get it. Kara has always wanted that “Wapow!” moment.

2. Glimpsing/meeting “the one”. Whether it’s only for a short moment, an extended meeting, or perhaps merely locking eyes with them as you pass each other by...you feel immediately connected. There is an instant soul recognition when meeting them, so much so that you could have sworn you’ve met them before or that it’s as if you’ve known each other your whole lives.

Remember when Kara met Lena? And she was gaga-eyed over Lena? Or when Lena felt so comfortable around a new acquaintance that she granted an almost stranger unbridled access to her office? Or how about when Red Daughter flew to America (the country she was taught to hate), with no recollection/memories of Kara’s relationship with Lena (again, the woman she was taught to hate), all because she felt PULLED to do so. And then when she did meet Lena she looked at her and practically drooled over her as if Lena was a double XL cheeseburger with extra special sauce from Big Belly Burger? Like, biiiitch 👀

3. Falling in love. Need I say more? Fine, again, I will. You CANNOT tell me that there is no way in hell that these two morons are anything BUT in love with each other. That’s a lot of double negatives and I appplogize so let me reiterate for clarification: THEY ARE IN LOVE AND YOU CAN’T CHANGE MY MIND!

And at this point is it so freaking BEYOND platonic love, the show cannot explain it away or sweep it under the “just close friends” rug. No. Kara used her Fifth Dimensional Wish (she literally could have wished her entire planet didn’t explode) and she said “make Lena not mad at me, I’m sad 😔” 👀. Mmmkay. Not to mention Lena picking Supergirl over Jack, her former lover. Or the plethora of other times Lena chose Kara/Supergirl over everyone else she knew. Mmkay.

4. The fairytale relationship/friendship. Lena has finally found someone she can depend on, be vulnerable with, support her without judgement, trust with her life etc. and Kara has finally found a true best friend, not her sister, not Kenny who she didn’t realize was her best friend till after he passed? And now he’s not dead?? But her one true best friend that she felt she didn’t need to be neither Supergirl, nor Kara Danvers, but rather Kara Zor-El around (despite Lena not knowing that little tidbit of information).

They were each other’s best friend. Each other’s person. They were happy.

5. Outer Turmoil and Inner Purging—Supergirl and Lena fight. Lena still does not know that Kara is indeed Supergirl and does not pick up on the brewing tension between herself and Kara.

Kara of course is riddled with guilt and her relationship with Lena becomes strained. This outer turmoil creates inner purging by bringing out negative traits in each other. I.E. Lena hiding kryptonite and also Kara asking James to spy on her. Shit gets messy but they still try to make it work.

6. The Runner and the Chaser/Separation Stage—Tensions mount between the two and Lena FINALLY learns about Kara’s secret. And she has a choice to make. So what does she do? She runs. Not physically but emotionally. She completely withdraws from not only Kara and their friends but also withdraws from herself.

She literally experiences cognitive dissonance and becomes someone she is not. Someone other people made her believe she was on the inside, even though Kara knows that it isn’t. And so, Kara chases her.

Lena becomes the runner and Kara becomes the chaser as they navigate this separation stage.

Continuously running and continuously chasing.

7. The Surrender and dissolution stage—they’re fucking done. They’re tired. They’re exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally after all the bullshit they put each other through as well as all the bullshit Lex and the Phantom Zone put them through.

They come to an impasse in regards to Lex and realize the only way to defeat him is to work together, as a team. (El Mayarah anyone?)

They surrender to their emotions and to each other as their egos dissolve and their souls expand after having learned invaluable life lessons. The major one being: THEY CANNOT LIVE HAPPILY WITHOUT EACH OTHER!

8. The last stage that we have yet to see but we fucking better or else I’m gonna January 6 the CW studio building—“Oneness”.

This time, I’m not gonna say more.

So, in conclusion: Supercorp is Endgame because Lena Luthor and Kara Zor-El Danvers are the literal definition of a twin flame, soulmate connection. They are the same soul, manifested in two physical forms, for the sole purpose of expanding their soul’s consciousness.

They deserve to be happy, they deserve to be together. Not only does their union parallel some of the greatest love stories throughout history, i.e. Romeo and Juliet, Darcy and Bennet, Superman and Lois (duh) it would also break the curse of generational karma and illustrate to anybody who watches the show that the only person who defines who you are is YOU. Not a name, not a legacy, not society’s expectations, YOU. And most importantly of ALL...it would showcase that love truly does conquer all.

I rest my case.

TPTB, make Supercorp Endgame or kick rocks ✌️😘

Sincerely,

An empassioned fan with way too much time on her hands.

#supercorp #supergirl #lena luthor #kara danvers #welcome back kara #soulmate #twin flames #the cw

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bpdontknow · 2 years

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You are not mine

You are not anyone’s

You are your own, you are a masterpiece, devine

I am merely an observer in a museum,

It’s up to you if you’d like to be positioned near me here or not,

But you wanting to be positioned near other lovely pieces who inspire and nurture you in other ways is so good,

And I want it too, I want to build a space we can share that holds the diversity

It will be unique on each of our walls, and it will be good

I’m working on letting go of this mindset that you must somehow captivate someone completely

No one can, no one does, no one should expect that

I’m unlearning toxicity and negativity

But I’m so very sorry for every moment it escapes the inner tunnels of my brain and leaches out of me and touches you

I need to catapult that insanity out of my mind, it isn’t fair and it isn’t “fine”

It holds me hostage… as if someone is smothering me, holding me inside of a garbage bag

But it leaves just as quickly when I’m able to pierce through it with reassurance,

I need to find and hold my own shears and stop relying on you to be the one to cut through my mental haze

when you don’t even have the energy to hold them let alone offer them while my mind is pinning me down

You shouldn’t have to hold your shears out for me,

Although I’m thankful and touched you’d hold them for me, with aching shoulders and trembling hands,

I’m aware that without the burden of confronting my demons you’re better off.

You’ve got plenty of your own demons who try to smother you as well… and you never get to put those shears down, do you darling?

When it comes to my mental state you are not the one who needs to do the work,

But please hold me as close as you can bear…

It’s selfish, it’s got me questioning my brain and it’s ability to blind me from it’s destructive nature…

To disregard others and their needs, to leave both them and I on our knees when it only needs to be me there,

Please stand tall beside me,

I will do my best to wriggle and break free whenever I find myself twisted up on the ground fighting my brain,

But even if I’m having trouble please don’t stop, walk on gorgeous, let your skirt flow whenever you can,

I’ll watch you and I will hope my desire to twirl and walk with you can help me tame these demons

These demons that try and convince me I only want misery, that you should be miserable next to me,

I will put them in their place, I will do my best to treat myself with grace while I put them in their graves inside of my head

These demons that I vow to defeat for you, for that smile, for the skirt twirls, for our love and potential

The demons whose headstones will be testimonials of how much it means to be rid of them,

I will etch their names into the marble “Jealousy” “abandonment fears” “discontent” “laziness,” etc…. all frankly named and none of them missed

#bpd things #possibly triggering #possesive love #bpd thoughts #living with bpd #why is my brain like this #girls who like girls #mental health #emotional health #healingjourney #tw asphyxiation

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heavenly-roman · 4 years

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The Talk

Plot: “Dee never thought they would have to have “the talk” with five grown men, but lo and behold, their life was full of surprises.”

Warnings: sympathetic deceit and remus, swearing, coming out (and the fear that comes along with it), a lil bit of crying and embarrassment, misgendering (due to not being out yet), kissing ((i promise it isn’t as much of a doozy as it sounds like))

Pairing(s): roceit, platonic drlamp(?? is that what it is ?? idk)

Word Count: 1148

if you liked this, consider buying me a coffee?

Taglist (bc i have one now!!): @emo-disaster

(ao3 link!!!)

+++

Dee never thought they would have to have “the talk” with five grown men, but lo and behold, their life was full of surprises.

No Girls Allowed ;(

Dear Devin Hansen (6:17pm): hey guys

Dear Devin Hansen (6:18pm): can you meet me in the living room? I have to tell you something

JD-lightful (6:20pm): uh sure dev?

Patton me, are u aaron burr, sir? (6:22pm): yeah of course!!!!! You okay?

Dear Devin Hansen (6:22pm): im fine pat, just hurry up, im anxious

H. Chandler (6:23pm): isn’t that virgil’s domain?

H. Duke (6:23pm): DID DEVIN AND VIRGIL SWAP BODIES

Drama-Turd (6:25pm): remus, stop it.

Drama-Turd (6:26pm): devin, I will be downstairs soon.

Drama-Turd (6:26pm): and roman?

H. Chandler (6:27pm): uhhh yes lo?

Drama-Turd (6:29pm): you’re never allowed to choose my nickname again.

Dee sat patiently on the couch, leg bouncing nervously as the others filed into the living room, faces all showing various levels as curiosity. Logan appeared last, and Dee took a deep breath.

“So,” they said. “I have to tell you all something.”

“Dev, if you’re about to tell us you’re gay, we know,” Roman laughed.

“Hey,” Patton scolded. “Let him talk, he’s clearly nervous.” he turned to Dee, saying, “Go ahead, Devin.”

Dee cringed at the use of their birth name, not going unnoticed by Remus, but he decided to let Dee talk and confirm his hunch.

“Well, actually, I-” Dee sighed, feeling a pit in their stomach, and decided to take a page out of Virgil’s book, ripping off the band-aid. “I’m non-binary. My pronouns are they/them, my name is Dee.”

There was a cacophony of shocked noises, causing Dee to wonder why they didn’t just do this in the group chat. Their hands became clammy and their leg started bouncing even more than before. They held their head in their hands, feeling regret and shame creeping in and tears of embarrassment prick their eyes. The murmurs ceased and they looked up, wiping their tears, to see five concerned faces. Patton was the first to speak up.

“So, Dee,” He said softly, reaching his hand out to grab Dee’s. “I guess that means we have to change your nickname in the group chat?”

“Dee Evan Hansen!” Remus quickly shouted, causing Dee to bark out a laugh.

“I was hoping for Sincerely, Dee, actually,” They chuckled.

“Both are appropriate nicknames,” Logan nodded, unlocking his phone to change Dee’s nickname.

“Hey Dee?” Virgil called. Dee nodded, signalling him to continue. “Pain in the ass is a gender neutral term, right?”

Dee shoves him, laughing. They sobered for a moment, “Seriously guys, I… I really appreciate how cool you’re all being about this.”

“Of course, Dee,” Logan smiled. He stood, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to get back to.”

Logan left, and the others slowly trickled out of the room, leaving just Dee and Roman.

“So,” Dee started. “You’ve been awfully quiet.”

“Yeah, I-” Roman sighed, and turned to face his friend. “I just… how long have we been misgendering you?”

“Oh, um, not long-“

“Dee.”

“Okay, it’s been… about five months.”

“Dee!”

“It’s fine, Ro,” Dee grabbed his hand reassuringly. “I’ve been introducing myself properly to everyone else I meet.”

“Oh, so you’re just letting your best friends misgender you then?” Roman sassed.

“Roman-”

“No, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.” Roman squeezed the hand that was holding his. “I’m sorry that you didn’t feel comfortable enough to come out to us-”

“Roman-”

“And I’m sorry if we did anything to invalidate you, or-”

“Roman!”

The actor at least had the decency to look sheepish. “Oh, sorry.”

“It wasn’t anything that you, or one of the others did to stop me from telling you guys. I just… I needed to be sure of my identity. You had no negative affect, Roman,” Dee comforted. “Do you… have any questions?”

“Just one,” Roman said.

“Shoot.”

Roman shifted closer, and Dee absently noted that they were still holding Roman’s hand. “So, you’re still attracted to men?”

Dee flushed, though they tried their best to hide it with sarcasm. “No, Princey, I am suddenly attracted to,” They fake gagged and shuddered, “girls.”

Roman chuckled, “So that’s a yes?”

“That’s a yes.”

Roman shifted closer again, causing Dee’s breath to catch in their throat. Roman leaned in, brushing his thumb against Dee’s bottom lip. “Is this-”

“Roman if you do not kiss me right now-”

Roman rolled his eyes affectionately and leaned down to press their lips together. Dee snaked their hand to the back of Roman’s neck, holding him there. Roman’s hand moved to cup Dee’s cheek, and god, if Dee could stay in this moment forever, they would.

Unfortunately for them, Dee needed to breathe, and therefore reluctantly pulled away from Roman.

“Dee, I-”

“Don’t talk, just keep kissing me.”

Roman acquiesced, a smile on his face, as he leaned down again to capture Dee’s lips once more.

No Girls Allowed ;(

H. Chandler (10:37pm): attention peasants

Patton me, are u aaron burr, sir? (10:37pm): Roman, be nice!!

JD-lightful (10:38pm): what do u want roman

H. Chandler (10:39pm): Dee and I

H. Chandler (10:39pm): are no longer friends

Drama-Turd (10:40pm): That is rather unfortunate.

Drama-Turd (10:40pm): Should we make a secondary group chat and remove one of you from this one?

Patton me, are u aaron burr, sir? (10:41pm): Roman, sweetie, is this because of Dee coming out to us? Because if it is, I’m afraid I’ll have to take their side

Sincerely, Dee (10:42pm): Roman

Sincerely, Dee (10:42pm): that is the WORST way to tell them we’re dating

Sincerely, Dee (10:43pm): also thank u for taking my side pat love u

H. Duke (10:43pm): HA CALLED IT

H. Duke (10:43pm): VIRGIL YOU OWE ME TWENTY BUCKS

H. Duke (10:43pm): SUCK IT

Patton me, are u aaron burr, sir? (10:44pm): love you too, Dee!!!! <3

JD-lightful (10:44pm): :((((((((

JD-lightful (10:44pm): pat thats flippin gay

H. Duke (10:45pm): also yeah happy for u guys i guess

JD-lightful (10:45pm): im not

JD-lightful (10:46pm): because now i lost twenty bucks

H. Chandler (10:47pm): wait wait wait

H. Chandler (10:47pm): you bet on us????

Sincerely, Dee (10:48pm): yeah guys how dare you

Sincerely, Dee (10:49pm): (remus if i dont get half of the loot im ending our friendship)

H. Duke (10:50pm): sure thing double d ;)

H. Chandler (10:50pm): hit on my partner again i dare you

H. Duke (10:50pm): okay

H. Duke (10:51pm): hey dee you’re cute we should go out sometime

Sincerely, Dee (10:54pm): hmm okay

H. Chandler (10:55pm): OKAY THATS IT

And if Roman removed himself from Dee’s arms to go fight his brother? Well, that’s none of their business.

#lex's roceit agenda #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit #Remus Sanders #sympathetic remus #roman sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #roceit #roceit fanfic #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #coming out #non-binary deceit #fluff #platonic drlamp #bennie’s books

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manicmarsupial · 3 years

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The Smallest Outlaw - Chapter 3:No Business Like Snow Business

A/N Mwahaha, I’m making puns with the chapter titles. Honestly trying to lighten the mood because this chapter features the reason behind a lot of Ollie’s self doubt issues.

Usual acknowledgements to @yeenybeanies (’coz Devin is awesome), @thatspicynoodle (who has a much better story than mine, yet encouraged me to write my own variation), and @tiny-james (whose blog is honestly giving me ideas on further storylines and one-shots). Also, as per usual, I’m open to ideas for this story (and Ollie’s surname). Now, on to the story

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Okay, I sincerely hope that was a really intense dream. I slight movement of my arm causing pain proves otherwise. Judging by the radiant heat, I’m near a fire. I’m wrapped…mostly up in something soft, sort of woollen. I can’t get much else without looking.

‘Maybe if your hearing wasn’t broken, you wouldn’t be so lost,’ my negative mind scorns.

I choose to ignore that thought as I push myself to a sitting position with a groan.

“Ah, there you are. Thought we were going to lose you for a second,” a voice echoes in my ears.

I whirl around to face the silver haired man from earlier. At the sight of him striding toward me, I start panicking, trying to back away. Although with one working arm and partially bundled up, it’s not effective. The man stops and holds up his hands in a passive gesture.

I stop flailing and study my surroundings. I’m on a somewhat broken bedside table that has been moved to the front of the fireplace while I’m wrapped up in as scarf. I turn back to see the man kneel on one knee so he won’t tower over me as much. It doesn’t make any difference as he still cuts an intimidating figure.

“I’m afraid your arm is badly fractured. We did the best we could with limited supplies,” he explains softly.

I glance at my arm, wrapped up in a black ribbon. Some of the matchstick pokes out near my wrist.

“I know you can speak and understand me.”

I look back up at him

“Are you going to give me your name?”

I ponder this, then shake my head. The man sighs on response.

“I’m Hosea Matthews,” he introduces himself.

“Do you live here?” he asks.

I shake my head.

A door slams open, causing me to jump in fright. The black-haired man, Dutch, strides in brushing snow off his black coat.

“Ah! It woke up,” he proclaims loudly.

“Any information? He asks Hosea.

Hosea stands up to speak to Dutch. I use the opportunity while both are distracted to unwrap myself from the scarf. Having freed my legs, I wander to the edge of the table. It’s a little high so I push the scarf off to create a softer landing. I make the jump, being sure to land on my uninjured side. Neither Hosea nor Dutch have noticed yet. I slowly creep towards the door.

I thought was almost successful until I hear a bellow of

“Stop them!”

Which is immediately followed by rapid thundering footsteps. I try to dart toward the door to duck under it. A pair of gloved hands envelope me before I can make it to the gap under the broken wood. I throw a series of one-armed punches but hitting the glove doesn’t seem to be making an impact. Maybe injuring my hands a little. I stop fighting when I feel the hands move up.

“It seems we have a little escape artist,” I hear Dutch laugh.

Despite my bad hearing and being enclosed in gloved hands, the laughter is booming. I flinch and curl into a ball as best I can. I feel the hands move.

“The poor little thing is cold, scared, and surrounded by giant outlaws. I can’t blame ‘em for wantin’ to run,” Hosea’s voice sounds closer.

Actually, it sounds like it’s directly above me. I realise that he’s captor whose hands my life literally depends on. I cover my eyes when I see one hand move. I don’t want to see where this is going.

I wait for the inevitable. I’m surprised when I’m held gently against a rough woollen surface. It’s not the scarf, not as soft. I’m not being crushed, just slightly restrained. The surface is slowly moving in and out in a pattern. There’s a distinct thumping sound echoing in my ears. I lean back to get a better view and end up toppling into the older man’s hands with a grunt of pain.

“Careful little one. Escaping into this blizzard would be deadly, even for a human. Let alone such a small one like you,” Hosea whispers soothingly, cupping his fingers around me.

I try to see how far away the ground is, but I can’t see over his fingers. I manage to calm my racing mind enough to consider my situation. If this man and his friends wanted to harm or kill me, they would’ve done so at any time. My breathing finally slows down to normal as I look anywhere but my captor’s face.

“See, you’re alright. It’s going to be fine,” he reassures softly.

I flinch slightly when something touches my shoulder. It gently moves down my spine, leaves, then repeats the movement. Finding it comforting, I unconsciously lean into it.

It’s not until I hear Hosea’s soft chuckle that I remember where I am. I partially spin around to see Hosea’s hand curled behind me.

“It’s okay. You’re safe now, little one,” he croons.

“Ollie,” I speak up, a little bit of bravery coming through.

“Hmm?” he raises an eyebrow.

“I…it’s my name,” I stammer, my brief bout of courage leaving me.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Ollie,” he holds out his hand in the shake gesture.

I flinch back at first because, let’s face it, it’s a massive hand that has the ability to crush the life out of me easily. I place my hand on his fingertip and he mimics a handshake with a small smile.

“And you are going to freeze to death dressed like that,” he wraps his scarf around me.

“I didn’t have anything else,” I grumpily mutter in reply, slumping into the bundled material as Hosea places it onto the broken beside table.

I stare into the fire in silence until Dutch’s booming voice startles me out of my quietude.

“Anything from our little runaway?”

“The name’s Ollie,” Hosea answers.

“And what’s “Ollie” doing in a blizzard?” Dutch glances at me then back to his friend.

“Ya think I wanted to be here?!” I blurt out.

“It speaks?!” Dutch exclaims, his jaw dropping.

“Only when I have to.”

Dutch looks vaguely insulted.

“Now is not the time to be cheeky, Ollie,” Hosea scolds.

I look up at the older man. He doesn’t appear to be annoyed. Actually, he’s smiling a little.

“Never is,” I grumble, burying myself into the scarf.

#RDR2 #Red Dead Redemption 2 #Ollie is full of sass #I don't know how to tag #RDR2 G/t #Giant/tiny #G/t #am I tagging right?#giant #tiny

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bigskydreaming · 4 years

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You’re a disgusting, abuse-survivor-shaming cunt. I hope you choke, I truly do.

So I get way more of these kinds of messages than I could possibly ever count. Have been for years. I don’t generally reply to them the way I mock some other hate messages I can at least have fun with, because like, what’s there to say about this kinda thing, y’know?

I don’t know how to get people to understand that there is NOTHING hypothetical about my anger about the things in fandom I get angry about. My rants about dark fic are PERSONAL, they have NOTHING to do with some arbitrary moral superiority stance. I don’t make assumptions as to others’ survivor status or motivations for writing various things because I don’t HAVE to, my anger and frustration are with the OUTPUT, not the inciting reasons.

My hostility towards fandom comes directly from the hostility fandom shows me every time people try to convince me that I have no reason to have the reactions I do to the way they interact with the extremely combustible topics that define my own trauma and that of others. And the fact that fandom at large has decided that the ONLY acceptable reactions from survivors upon seeing others engaging with these sensitive topics in any way they choose, is either to be silent, or to take part in it.

I don’t have to know which writers of which fics are or aren’t actually survivors attempting coping mechanisms of their own to be fucking furious at the way fandom has literally commodified these traumas, made them exploitable by making the catchphrase “some people write dark fic to cope” all-inclusive, utilized by anyone. With no shame or self-scrutiny as to the fact that YOU at least know if you are or aren’t a survivor, and if you aren’t one, you have ZERO business offering this particular line up as a defense to any survivor taking issue with the ways you embrace particular topics in particular ways.

The only things I have any interest in shaming people for is their choices, the fucking CHOICE to turn on any survivor who dares say “I have issues with this take” and this goes for abuse as much as it does rape. I’ve lost count of the number of authors over the years who HAVE spoken of being rape survivors specifically but then turn around and treat childhood physical abuse as their personal playground, with none of the care they put into crafting rape storylines on display when they casually have male abuse survivors punching each other in every other argument and just citing ‘boys will be boys.’ I can have sympathy for their status and experiences as rape survivors while still being upset at how they simultaneously perpetuate so many of the untruths that make it so hard for abuse survivors to affirm that they have actually been abused rather than call it something that its not, something that they’ve seen writers call it because the writers simply don’t want to inspect the fact that they’ve casually and without awareness written their characters abusing another.

It’s not a zero sum game.

I get angry not because I feel powerless in my own life (I don’t, actually, thanks, I’ve taken actionable steps every single day to fix what’s wrong in my own life and lol that’s power baby), and not because I’m fixated on my own trauma and unwilling to move past it (lol yeah I have no money to spend on anything BUT therapy because I’m committing to the highly specialized and expensive therapy I only arrived at after years of trial and error with other forms because I just don’t want to move past any of this, okay sure).

Nah, I get angry because of the galaxy brain intellects who smarmingly just decide on this view of me for themselves, condescension dripping from every ‘well-meaning’ expression of contempt sympathy, with zero examination of the fact that like.....idk guys, its a little hard to move past my trauma when everyone ELSE seems more fixated on it than I do! LOL, so we’re just gonna skip merrily on by the fact that the only reason its an ISSUE for me in fandom is because its EVERYWHERE in fandom, huh? ‘Mind the tags’ people parrot mindlessly, as though its not like tags HAVE to be created with self-awareness for what people are supposed to mind, or like I haven’t had people literally try to trigger me with tags aimed specifically at getting under my skin as ‘payback’ for something I wrote (out of moral superiority, naturally, not a visceral display of emotion, never that). As though the tags have anything to do with the fact that even outside of Ao3, there are incest-themed shipping weeks every single month of the year, that every major discord server and fic exchange and other fandom wide event demands participants be ‘ship-friendly’ which might as well be code for ‘not friendly to anyone who doesn’t prioritize ships over survivors,’ like fandom hasn’t created a culture in which people are more inclined to be defensive over how people make writers FEEL about stuff they’ve written than they are to be defensive over how certain writing makes various survivors feel.

I’ll never get over how a fandom that universally expressed disdain for Devin Grayson’s disrespectful handling of the sensitive topic of rape has obliviously embraced every form of euphemism under the sun for their own content, and just flat out REFUSES to concede that there is ANY room for criticism in ANY handling of even the most sensitive of topics. Because there’s no sensitivity allowed when it comes to any topic in fandom....unless its the writer’s sensitivity, that must be respected at all costs.

Does that not really strike you as....odd? Aren’t there lines out there about how no society or culture or environment that truly embraces free speech can simultaneously embrace freedom from criticism? And yet time and time again, its anyone who dares criticize - in ANY fashion - the HOW of what someone wrote, not even the WHY, they’re the ones termed authoritarian, censor, the one attempting to SHUT DOWN conversation rather than expand upon it. Tell me, what conversation was THIS anon and similar ilk attempting to invite? Every criticism I write of fandom invites people to engage with it. I fucking BEG people to engage with it. You’re the ones who choose not to. At least not in good faith. Because its only when I refuse to let you move the goalposts from anything other than this being about me reacting to what you wrote, no aim at doing anything other than being a reaction to an action, not an attempt to tell you what to do, just an attempt to get you to tell me WHY, if it really is as defensible as you loftily claim it is - then why is it you just can’t tell me, straight to my face, that it doesn’t matter what negative reaction your writing evokes, you don’t actually have to care? Cuz you don’t, of course. But if you’re that content with your own motivations, your own impact, why so uncomfortable just saying that?

The funny thing is, I truly don’t make any assumptions as to the why of anyone writing dark fic. I have a lot to say about the fact that we all know damn well that at least some of the people offering up the ‘some survivors use dark fic to cope’ aren’t speaking of themselves when they do so, but I have ZERO interest in imagining who that is and why. I’ve spoken of the fact that its willful naivete to assume that even if your own motivations for writing certain content are innocent in your own mind, you can’t assume the same of EVERYONE. That its nothing but willfulness to pretend that actual predators don’t peruse the same content. That the very same factors that make Dick Grayson so appealing to survivors, for example, as a strong heroic character who neverthless has been victimized and violated more than once - the flip side of this coin is this of course makes him EQUALLY appealing to people on the other end of things....a strong heroic character who nevertheless can be victimized and violated more than once.

And yet I honestly, truly have no interest in figuring out who might be whom, when it comes to writers, and I don’t assume everyone who writes or reads certain content in certain ways is in the latter camp. IT DOES ME NO GOOD, to go through life assuming that many people are all potential rapists or inclined to side with my own rapists’ or abusers’ side of things. I CHOOSE to give people the benefit of the doubt there, I assume perhaps they ARE survivors trying in good faith to cope with their own trauma and defensive about hearing that butts up against with other survivors trying to move on in other ways, or that they’re simply people who grew up in fandom being told there is nothing they can write that can be termed wrong, and have trouble with such a deeply held conviction being contested. Or perhaps only got into shipping incest because the ‘fandom elders’ of various fandoms like SPN deliberately and with full intent once upon a time pitched incest as being the same kind of taboo relationship that the same kind of people who forced gay men into secretive relationships were against....that incest ships and closeted gay ships were basically the same, and so as the latter became less of a thing as media showed more open gay relationships, incest ships became more of a thing among fans who were really compelled by the secretive/’society’s against them’ aspect of forbidden love.

I don’t assume any of that on a ONE TO ONE basis with any single writer or reader because I don’t KNOW their personal story and I’m not TRYING to. It makes no difference when I’m not talking about or arguing against the WHY of someone doing a thing, but the HOW. The end result, and the interactions it creates in the environment in which their output is published, shared, celebrated.

All at the expense of any survivor who doesn’t enjoy seeing things they’ve struggled with getting taken seriously about, maybe all their lives....not taken seriously, and offered up as just a themed week on the latest fantasy porn prompt generator. The problem with incest shippers isn’t even just ‘you ship incest, why do you do that,’ its that you can’t seem to manage to do it without assuming anyone who objects is only doing so out of a place of moral superiority. You try and make it a hypothetical argument “well what about when you do this” as opposed to something rooted in the here and now of the personal. We’re not talking about what ifs, we’re talking about what is. Deal with that before you try raising something else, instead of always raising something else so you never have to deal with that.

The problem is people condescendingly assuming we have ZERO basis for any objection, or any negative reaction at all. Its our own fault, you see, for being too stupid to get that fiction doesn’t affect reality (even though we’ve debunked that time and time again). Its our own fault, you see, for not getting that its not really incest BECAUSE (a claim that is never actually as universal as it tries to pretend to be, and thus is never more than a distraction for the specific argument that prompted it). Its our own fault, you see, for not getting that this isn’t really a big deal, there are bigger problems, and its awfully sad if we’re so fragile and delicate we can’t handle someone enjoying something that has nothing to do with us (even though its never your call whether or not it has anything to do with us, just as its never our call what your specific motivations for writing specific content might be).

The problem is the same thing I’ve been dealing with all my life, and all the more exhausting for it being front and center in fandoms that claim to be escapism and catharsis for survivors....as long as those survivors perform in the manner fandom is comfortable with....aka the manner fandom has exploited and commodified in order to make certain manners of enjoying certain topics possible and defensible for ALL fans, regardless of their own connection to such topics, or motivations surrounding them.

Denial, avoidance, and abdication of responsibility. There’s no problem if YOU don’t see a problem, after all. There can’t be a problem if you just refuse to acknowledge a problem. A problem has nothing to do with you if you simply have nothing to do with it.

And all the while, you continue engaging in the same behaviors that provoke the same reactions that you refuse to ever actually engage with or address, relying on gaslighting to try and sell people and everyone around them that THEY’RE the real problem....its us that have no respect for freedom of speech, creativity or the creative process, other peoples’ traumas, the difference between fantasy and reality, etc etc ad nauseam.

We see people waving away instances of physical abuse with textbook abuse apologism, and we’re told we don’t know what we’re talking about. We see people offering up wording and phrasing in the comment sections of fics that are literally textbook grooming techniques we recognize from our own experiences and we’re told we’re imagining things. We see characters raping others without it being described as rape and we’re told we didn’t mind the tags, even though oddly enough, none of the tags actually said ‘rape’ but rather other euphemisms and if they aren’t in place to tell readers not to expect actual rape in the actual fic, then, what purpose is it they actually serve, again?

But sure.

Talk to me some more about survivor-shaming.

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defensefilms · 3 years

Text

The Bucks Are Gonna Do This Bro!!!

Up to now, these two teams were trading punches. Up to now these teams were playing an even series. Game 5 introduced some new facts to the table. Chief among those new facts, is that the Bucks are actually the better team here.

What makes me say that? Cos they made more mistakes and it just didn’t matter.

Take for instance, the Bucks first turnover of the game.

Khris Middleton brings the ball up the court and Giannis sets a screen and before Giannis can turn and receive the ball, Middleton has already pitched the ball past him and allowed Devin Booker to steal the ball and then Crowder gets a dunk at the other end.

There was another play in the 1st, where Jrue Holiday made a defensive stop and Bobby Portis bumps him out of bounds bro, and it results in a turnover.

That goes right back to the Bucks being one of the clumsiest, clunkiest and at times un-coordinated teams you’ll ever watch in a finals. It wasn’t just that either.

Jrue Holiday has been out here bricking lay-ups once again and the Suns actually managed to jump out to a 17 point lead in the first quarter.

The Suns shot 13-19 from beyond the arc. That’s 68.4%. That coupled with Devin Booker finishing with 40 points, 3 assists and 4 rebounds and the Suns committing just 8 turnovers throughout the game, 3 less than the Bucks in this game 5.

The Suns had every reason to win this game.

The thing about jumping out to a lead and starting out aggressive, is that in today’s “offense-friendly”, zero hand-checking rules, means that you can always get back in the game if you’re down. The Suns have done this a few times since game 3. Each time they do, the Bucks compose themselves, find way to get to the basket and one of their guys steps up to give them some added offensive punch.

The Suns did it again in game 5 and It still wasn’t enough. That 17 point lead had evaporated by the 2nd quarter.

Khris Middleton was 1-7 from the field to start the game. He was 12-23 at game’s end. Finishing with 29 points, 7 rebounds and 5 assists, once again with big shots down the stretch and this wasn’t even Khris at his best and when Pat Connaughton makes 4-6 from beyond the arc, you’re not going to keep the Bucks down for long.

Jrue Holiday was nothing short of special in game 5. He was incredible. 27 points, 13 assists, 3 rebounds, 3 steals and for the second game in a row, the guy makes a steal on Devin Booker to ice the game. Dude was everywhere in that game. For all his lay-up bricking, played his best game of the post season.

Now compare this to what they were getting from Eric Bledsoe a year or two ago. The Bucks don’t regret that trade at all and neither do they regret that contract extension for Holiday.

Giannis finished with 32 points, 9 rebounds and 7 assists.

The Suns crowd did that countdown thing again and you can actually say that it worked because he missed some important free throws towards the end of the 4th quarter but again you’re talking about a team that constantly negates their own flaws.

Everything from Giannis’ free-throw shooting, to Khris Middleton’s inconsistency, to Jrue Holiday’s layup bricking, to Brook Lopez being almost unplayable, which Budenholzer evidently doesn’t care about because he played him for 29 minutes and even up to and including Budenholzer’s coaching.

Flaws, all flaws, all warts, all imperfections and it just doesn’t matter. They just keep finding ways to win.

They’re 3-0 since game 2. They’ve turned Devin Booker’s 40 points games into a non-factor. They’ve taken floor general and “point god” Chris Paul’s careful, turnover-free approach and turned it into a negative. Deandre Ayton was in the conversation for the best big man remaining in the playoffs, now he’s living off scraps just hoping to get offensive rebounds. Ayton had 21 points in game 5, his best scoring game since game 1. Still wasn’t enough.

Worst of all, they’ve got Monty Williams talking about free-throw disparities after game 3, like we don’t know they’re a jump shooting team. Literally CP3 and Devin Booker were the only Suns to get to the line at all in game 5.

I’m also getting real sick and tired of Devin Booker complaining to the refs at the end of every quarter and timeout. Dude is worse than Trae Young.

One more win bro. The Bucks are one more win away from history.

The Suns definitely have it in them to bounce back in game 6.

They are yet to win in Milwaukee but that can change and they need CP3 to drop 30 points. The idea that Brook Lopez is being rolled out there for 29 minutes and the Suns are letting it live is crazy. They cannot allow Budelholzer to just say “I don’t care about giving you a mismatch to exploit”, I mean it’s ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

Game 6 is on Tuesday night.

#nba #nba playoffs #nba finals #phoenix suns #milwaukee bucks #chris paul #devin booker #deandre ayton #giannis antetokounmpo #khris middleton #jrue holiday #brook lopez

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literally20something · 3 years

Text

boys again

I just unfriended graham on every platform that I could think of lol, I don't really know why. I don't need him in my life and I don't need him as a friend or as more than a friend. I may feel the opposite when I wake up but I may feel happier too, I may feel nothing. I'm hoping the ladder. that's how he felt about me. I don't know why I'm so delusional and why I care so much about his validation. I don't even know him. Probably the last entry about him. hopefully.

I will say that I miss devin, I would really like to talk to him right now. He would know exactly what to say/do to make me feel as comfortable as I possibly could while I talk about any feelings I have. He did say that I could talk to him whenever about anything when I needed to, but I really don't want to bother him and bring my constant negativity in his life. he would probably tell me that that's stupid and he wants to be there for me or something like that.

#boys suck #except devin #im so tired

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jocelynships · 3 years

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Have I been obsessively playing Eyes of Heaven these past couple days to distract from the whole dang c*vid thing? Yes. Yes I have.

#tw covid mention #anyways we go get tested tomorrow #we haven’t had any symptoms and the other people who have came in contact with the person have tested negative so here’s hoping #this is the second scare I’ve had in less than a month and either the 4th or 5th scare I had??#I know I had two scares bc my allergies got really bad then one last month bc someone at work tested positive #and then this month #literally it was about a month apart #and Devin has been helping me keep calm so that’s good #I’m just. very stressed and very tired from it all

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zitkaplushie · 4 years

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nightwing secret files liveblog:

this is gonna be a long one so it’s under a cut!

taking wing-

is that jason??

i like this 'a christmas carol' type exposition i'm ngl

i'm not sure if 'jason''s dismissal of the circus is dixon using an unreliable narrator, or if dixon actually believes that

god i hate this art so much

how dare u insult the teen titans in any way 😤 i like the name

also titans cameo!!

more awful jason characterisation (pls dixon just stay 8732894738 feet away from jason)

"without robin i have no family" i guess the titans are just chopped liver huh

"i always thought that one day i'd be batman" nope nope nope nope you have 0 understanding of dick's character if that's what you think mr dixon

i love clark having a part in dick becoming nightwing - i adore it - but the way dixon retcons the importance of the titans, and especially kory, in dick becoming nightwing rubs me the complete wrong way. i'm choosing to read this as a between the scenes moment, but i 100% dixon intended this to replace the titans' importance. and the way ppl just swallow it up w/o thinking about the reasons behind why dixon would want to erase the titans - and kory - pisses me off lmao

"i didn't mean to stay so long [with the titans]" *eternal screaming* he really wants to undermine the titans at every possible turn wow

at least the next page acknowledges the importance of kory in dick's life, but right afterwards we have "lmao she must've liked your costume. all the girls did. you're a chick magnet" (paraphrased) and i'm just back to sighing

also hi i'm mad at the framing of babs being the endgame bc of course they'd do that. and also at kory being shorter than dick. thanks! i hate it! i'm willing to bet that dixon asked for that specifically.

"this is where i came in" i'm confused at this part but tbh i don't care enough to think abt it any more

i'm also ughhhh at the way they're trying to give bludhaven importance. i don't care, i don't like it, he should've never moved there

ok i do really like that last page

the fact files things are good enough, i love the art for the haly's circus one! the pt barnum ref is 😬 though (ik ik it's the 90s but fjskdh why)

lost pages: teen titans-

ok so, i don't like devin grayson. i don't like her writing at all, i don't think she gets the characters at all, and hot take: if you dislike a character who's super important part of dick's life, and helped him come into his own and be who he is, you shouldn't be writing that character. (i'm talking about kory here, but tbh if you dislike any of the characters who dick interacts with frequently and are a huge part of his life - especially his love interests, and his family - you shouldn't be writing dick.) so i'm not going into this story with high hopes. however i've seen ppl talk about this story as being really good so i hope i'll like it too

you can tell she mostly cares about the fab five, which wouldn't be a problem if she treated the ntt characters better but alas ://

kory and vic both say 1 thing the entire page lmao

ALSO KORY NOT KNOWING WHAT DAY IT IS IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT I CANNOT BELIEVE

i loooove the parallel between dick grasping wally's hand and young!dick holding his dad's hand 🥺🥺🥺🥺

vic legit says one thing the entire story lmaoooooooo 🙃🙃🙃

i love garth and roy being brought to the tower 🥺

this is def some of grayson's better work, but it suffers from the same thing all of her stories do. she doesn't fully understand all the characters. if one character is off it affects the whole story. a lot of her stories have good ideas and poor execution, and this one definitely doesn't have awful execution but there's still something missing and as someone who loves the titans it's just sad. i get why people like this story - it made me tear up at the end ngl - but the rest of the titans are just as important as dick and it feels like the writer doesn't understand that. (i get this is a dick comic but it's still a titans story.) (it does however make me want to write a fic expanding upon this moment and the aftermath bc the idea of the titans all coming together to cheer dick up is so goooooood. are they gonna have a party celebrating dick's parent's lives? are they gonna eat junk food and watch a comfort movie? are they gonna just sit and talk?? the possibilities are endless!!)

the art is gorgeous as all of jimenez' art is, i love his style so freaking much!!

the next page is of the bludhaven supporting cast and all it does is remind me how much i do not care abt them. i think the only one i actually like is clancy, the others are expendable and forgettable. (i do love clancy a lot though, i wish she'd been written by more people than just dixon). though, i usually love guice's art, i think i actually prefer mcdaniel's take on clancy??? which is 100% a first for me.

i like seeing the set up to dick's apartment, bc i'm a sucker for layouts and maps. i wish this comic was way better written bc the concept of dick living in an apartment building and interacting with his neighbours is one i really like, esp in superhero comics. but again i have to say, alas.

a day in the life of nite-wing/hangin'-with tad:

painful... just painful...

i physically couldn't care less about this if you paid me

the next page is tad's file and i am Not Reading That. nope nope nope. and also fuck you.

next is a map of bludhaven, and like i said, i'm a sucker for maps.

the page after that is brutale's file and again i just do not care. the art is by damion scott who i really like, but the design looks like knock off scarecrow so

the next pages are files for double dare, lady vidc, shrike and blockbuster and i'm skipping them all bc i give negative fucks

next is a spread of what i assume is dick's cork-board? it looks kinda interesting but the writing is hard to make out and i don't care enough to try to decipher it

next is torque's files and same same, idc idc

nightwing's romances/orange you glad i didn't say banana?:

ok so y'all know i hate dickbabs. i hate everything about how it was built on the foundation of tearing down kory and dickkory and i'm a kory fan first and foremost so i hate this whole situation. so i'm already predisposed to disliking anything that talks about how babs is dick's true love, and talks down any of his other love interests. i come into this with an admitted bias. i'd try to be charitable but i don't see why i should when no one involved in the writing of dickbabs is charitable towards my faves so 🤷

i love love love stelfreeze's art! he's drawn babs in something else i read and i loved it then and i love it here!

i adore dick and babs' friendship, so the beginning is really sweet and cute. i also love the concept of baby!dickie being obsessed with watermelons and wanting to eat them forever

dewey decimal system!!! librarian babs reference!! fdjkh she's such a nerd i love it

babs trying to talk about romance and dick's like 'lol nah what abt fighting' lmao

i Do Not like babs hitting dick while talking abt 'i was segueing into talking about romance, hint hint'

this is romance? dick giving exactly 0 fucks?

why are these writers obsessed with hinting at dick and donna??? like first dixon and now grayson??? please stop!!!! i do love how he says he loves her bc 🥺🥺🥺 i love them

ur not being slick having babs call donna 'donna' and kory 'starfire', i see you grayson. i see ur hate for kory.

and reducing kory to just her body, and dick's sexual attraction to her boils my blood

i'm choosing to interpret babs's face in that panel as her being attracted to kory too

i do like that dick talks about being in love with kory, and thinking about still being with her. a) i'll take those crumbs, and b) thats how i see dick's relationship to love as being (though devin views him as kinda flighty and unfaithful so idk how we're agreeing on this lmao)

pls stop talking shit abt huntress devin, ur the one who made dick/hel a thing

since devin loves her brudick subtext, i'm side-eyeing the mention of bruce there

also why are we hinting at cass pls stop

babs being jealous and petty pls stop

the ending was smooth i have to admit it. if it was any other ship i'd probs love it but as it is, i'm tired of everyone else being downplayed in favour of the ~babs is dick's true loooooveee, it's always been herrrrr, from the beginningggggg~

i don't mind babs being dick's first crush though, in fact that's my hc for him because hello?? who wouldn't have a crush on babs??

thank you mr stelfreeze for accurately portraying babs' bitchface bc she's being a petty bitch here (and i love her but lmaooo i hate this whole thing)

next is the files on the bludhaven pd and i do not caaaare

then there's a timeline, but i don't care about any timeline that dixon writes. i'm petty though so i'm gonna read it and talk abt why i don't like the retcons.

i hate the dickbabs reference in YEAR FUCKING 3 jfc. pls stop with the retcons.

also lmao the difference between the way dick's canon relationship from that time is described in the shittiest way possible (though reluctant at first, dick begins a long and tumultuous romance with teammate starfire.) and how he wrote dick and babs' relationship (robin first teams with ... barbara in her guise as batgirl. the two will pair time and again over the course of their careers and develop a burgeoning affection for one another) this was at a time when they weren't even remotely interested in each other!!! there was no affections there dixon! no matter how much you wish it to be true!! and again the contrast with 'starfire' and 'barbara'! like it's dehumanising and i hate it.

and he can't even bother to get the new teen titans' team name right.

no mention of kory's importance in dick becoming nightwing, nope we ignore that bc it's thanks to superman now.

stepping away from the way he hates kory to talk about the way he hates jason! jason's described as a 'troubled orphan' and a 'juvenile delinquent'.

no mentions of how jason and dick bonded but as soon as tim gets introduced he talks about how dick and tim 'switfly bond as brothers'.

another incredibly impersonal description of dick and kory's relationship (the wedding of dick grayson and kory anders (aka starfire) is aborted by the rogue titan raven. dick and kory soon part company and dissolve their relationship.) but at least he calls her kory this time.

also i love how he speeds up through all the 'non important' development for dick but spends a whole page talking about all the bullshit he's been writing for nightwing. i understand why, but it's just lmaooooo 🙃 when you read it like that, it really shows how shitty this comic is.

talks of the 'doomed relationship' between dick and hel and i really hate it pls stop

the last page is dick's evaluation by the police academy and i do not care so i'm skipping it too.

#welp. this comic was a ride. i hated 95% of it and i hate dixon and grayson's writing #antidickbabs #bc i talked a lot of shit abt them #and i'm free to do so but i'm tagging for ppl who don't want to see ship hate #reyes reads comics #reyes.txt #long post #negative #for the blacklist #edit - i added a cut bc it was too long #2nd edit - ooff so many typos

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almostshadydelusion · 3 years

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yaI was tagged by: @inappropriatefangirlneeds thank you very much, hopefully these answers are as detailed as yours, feel free to tag me anytime.

If I were a month, I’d be : I have a soft spot for December cause it’s my birth month but, October also has a place in my heart. I love Halloween. My problem is that I love American weather assigned to months. December is Summer in Australia but I love the idea of Winter December and snow. October in my country is Spring so allergy season and also what we call swooping seasons. I adore the ideas of falling orange leaves, pumpkins and soft greens. I think the slight chill in the air and softer colour palette match the kind of month I’d be. So, in short I’d be American Autmn.

If I were a flower, I’d be: I’ve always adored blue and purple flowers so I’ve been researching flower meanings and also considering the general look of the flowers themselves. So far I appreciate Forget-Me-Nots for their well fairly obvious meaning (remembering those we love who are lost). Cornflowers are my favoutire minecraft flower but the historical association with Nazi’s have kind of pushed me away from picking this one. I evetually decided that based on the meaning of the flower I’d be a blue rose (not a natural rose colour), meaning “ mystery, the impossible, or the unattainable”. As for looks I’d be a midnight plum mini calla lily, which is said to symbolise fertility, faithfulness and the part I like rebirth. Best of all the website I used told me that blue roses and midnight plum calla lillies compliment each other.

If I were an album, I’d be : I have a wide taste in music but I’d say I’d be a dramatic/depressing album, maybe with some hopeful songs but not many. I’m torn between Your City Gave Me Asthma by Wlbur Soot, which while I’m not completely in love with all the songs on that album the general soft vibe matches what I want to acheive and also any Cavetown album, I’m leaning towards Sleepyhead but literally Aminal Kingdom and Lemonboy also call to me.

If I were a mineral, I’d be : I was intending to do a lot more research but, one caught my eye almost immedietly with both the meaning, the historical significance as well the meaning amonst those who deal with crystals and the look of the gem itself. Technically it’s not a mineral but a rock but, I’m putting it down anyway. The most common term for them are apache tears, which are rounded pebbles of obsidian. Spiritually they are apparently used for overcoming depression, bringing greif to the forfront to be dealth with and allows people to reach a “state of self-realization”. Historically they are named for a tribe of Native Americans who rather then be captured ran after losing a battle, rode their horses off a cliff.

If I were a sound, I’d be : the gasping breath before a sob

If I were a colour, I’d be : #7f1734 ‘Claret’ A deep shade of red that pairs well with darker colours or greys. Interestingly enough my shade and colours I associate with my friends don’t quite fit but neither do any of their colours with the others and yet I love that.

If I were a drink, I’d be : Something cherry flavoured that’s an acquired taste. If I were an alchohol I’d be, not by choice but if I just were one, I’d be sambuca (a strong flavour that only certain people like).

If I were a fruit, I’d be : I was stuck reading into fruit appearing in myths but I’ll settle for plum.

If I were a quote, I’d be : I don’t remember a lot of quotes particularly long ones. have a bad memory. I’d like to say I’d be a Pride and Prejudice quote but I don’t think I’m worthy of Austin. I was trying to think of a suitable fandom quote maybe “It was never meant to be” from the Dream smp or “I don’t want to go” from Doctor Who but I think I’ll pick a song lyric. Of course I went straight to Cavetown. “ I wanna make a colour that no one else has seen before. I wanna be so much more.” This is the one that I picked. Though there are so many. He just makes me feel things, sometimes I am so calm listening to him but then sometimes I’m balling my eyes out.

If I were a television series, I’d be : I want to pick a good one but I don’t think I’m worthy. Maybe a non problematic Gotham but that’s just me projecting. Actually maybe I’d be ‘I Am Not Okay With This’, a beautiful show cancelled for budget cuts after covid but has beautiful representations of mental health, non toxic masculinity and lgbt teens. I think I’d be something that has brillaint gay characters at the very least because that’s very important to me.

If I were a movie, I’d be : Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It’s brilliant and just my niche.

If I were a fashion brand, I’d be : Probably a really cheap one that makes sizes for bigger people cause I know the pain of nothing pretty ever fitting.

If I were a mythological creature, I’d be : I love Medusa but creature wise I’d be Bastet from Merlin. I’ve been obsessed with the winged panther creature for years. here’s what Gaius says about the species “ The writers of old called this creature a Bastet. A monster of nightmare that inhabits the twilight world between the living and the dead”.

If I were a taste, I’d be : An acquired one

If I were a scent, I’d be : Sweet and floral, just enough to entice someone into asking about it but not overly sickly sweet

If I were a fabric, I’d be : I want to say silk but I think I’d be leather or velvet. Like the pretty leather that one can make pants out of.

If I were a body part, I’d be : Back cause I carry a lot of stress

If I were a song: This is difficult. I might pick a Cavetown song but I lean towards She by Dodie Clark. I do like many Cavetown songs but I’ll put down Fool (I am currently listening to it and I just adore it both lyric wise and music wise). Idk either I’d be song about anxiety or being closeted.

If I were a god/goddess, my four attributes would be : Comfort (I’d want to be Goddess who is there for the vunerable and able to both provide and inspire comfort in self), Attachments (I’d like people to pray for strong platonic attachments to people and animals), Anxiety (I’m a firm believer in the devine having positive and negative traits, I feel like this is a defining traits and the opposite of comfort but that doesn’t mean that people can’t take aspects like overanalysing.) and my final trait would be loss (the other foil to my trait. When to let go of attachments and dealing with loss whether death or other causes).

So, that’s me.

I’d like to tag (feel free not to do it): @marcceh , @leafenclaw , @yanderebeat

#I didn't edit this sorry

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sassytspoemsnraps · 3 years

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I’m literally feeling like I’m living in a dream😇😇😇

⭐️⭐️⭐️My life is like a fairly tale to say the least,

but then as bad as they were at one point I was

“Dancing with the devil” in 🏜 Death Valley🌙🌙🌙

About to tackle my deamons one by one. Head on..

Let that resignate it was a flight situation but I had to

fight I had the strength and courage to look at every

situation and subsequently subjectivity decide. This

was all mere negative thoughts or self conscious

insecurities coming to the surface. The little critics of

your own self. It’s like a sick and twisted game and

your the Joker your playing urself honey. And your

Depriving yourself of what you truly deserve and

what’s out there waiting for you that you were

craving and literally everything that you could ever

asked and hoped for was your reality like your reality

Was about to get better than the dream and you’re

living in a fairytale, Queen of the Underground.

Remind yourself your the one that you very so

created and things were about to get real and I just

had to dig myself out of this after I conquered all my

insecurities and got my Ass back home to heal and

recover from this madness nightmare that it so

quickly turned upside down because you were going

against the timing and the plan that you needed to

go. You wanted to play some more and knowing that

Nothing lasts forever and all good things must come

to an end inevitably but I have not a single regret

because I had to life through each experience to get

me to where I am right now and heal and recover

because that was never for you and part of that being

the reason why you would even fight for something

so much that was it supposed to end up that way did

you guys lived it up and had a good time that you

also add times that we’re not so good but I also

needed those times to realize what I was doing

wrong and never in looking at myself from another

Perspective and that’s the hard thing to do cause I

never want to believe I’m in the wrong but that

taught me what I needed to learn.. Whether or not he

was telling me the truth or answer my questions it

Was irrelevant because I was still in the wrong

regardless it was a chapter on your journey and those

Extacy eventually come crashing down like a tidal

wave of nightmares and just how quickly things fall

apart when you fight against energy and destiny. I

definitely learned a lot about myself and

relationships and my judgments as well and I do

appreciate all of the great times and I’ll forever have a

special place in my heart for end cure for every

chapter because they helped me realize I was

Allowing to go on. Once I went back home and there

I would rediscover who I was and once I came home

it all just started to Come back together because

there was a comfort in solidarity and self reflection.

And clarity once I refreshed myself what I deserve to

know the whole truth to my purpose and Devine gift

of timeless energy and Realness. I have no regrets

and each lesson I had to learn or relearn again or else

It would continue to come back up and until I was

able to pass the test that was the only way out of it it

was due or die now is the time and could never get

an opportunity again so I knew what I had to do.

and now it s starting to make sense more

Having all these thoughts and questions and not having anyone to turn to going though Some of the heartache on my own sucks but at the same time some of the stuff I needed to do on my own as well as the reflecting and solidarity and just healing and cleanse just a whole refresher because I wasn’t gonna go back to any of that nonsense I was ready to Start my future ends I have a new way of thinking and someone that will complete me more than I could ever even imagine the sweetes and most perfect person for me literally my soulmate my other half see if you want the fairytale then you decide that its really about what you truly want and satisfying to your needs and desires. He gets me in every single way that I never had and silently crave. The rough and hair pulling, biting and just devouring that moment when thier souls finally reconnect being as they were together maybe in another lifetime. Today was the day her dreams came true and she was resdy to start living her life again and finally everything made sense the journey and each lesson and person and situation everything needed to happen to get me here to this very moment and now. I’ll get my fairy tale ending and Man of my Dreams whom will be with me until the end of time until death do us part. True Uplifting Vibrating Magical and Devine ❤️ soul blowong Love and they lived happily ever & hard Times pass we’ll be okay. Together we’ll be alright! Ain’t that the truth. We can conquer the world or destroy it lmao no jk we’re gonna make some babies and make up for the time we lost.

This helped me because she said that no onunderstands because no one walks in your shoes 👠 I never fully understood it at the time but always was in the back of my mind. Well she’s right I just had to allow myself to raise my vibration to the truth and what I deserve As opposed to what I would allow. Consequently at one time things were great but they just slowly got worse it was like a roller coaster but towards the end I was wrestling my demons bringing his out if you’re in the fire feeling it fueling it and all the situations I would create in my head that weren’t even true I would start to believe and then start arguing with me on thoughts I’m not getting paranoid just not knowing what to believe because the truth could be lies and then we Mile I’m the one sabotaging the truth or questioning it because my own insecurities but I hope that there’s no hard feelings just appreciation and gratitude for what happened and how each event pan down and the opportunities that I had to revisit these was once in a lifetime and knowing what I know now it was all worth it it was scary and uncertain and really brave but I was going to risk my for my people and find the truth and fight for what’s right fully deserved and for my sanity in this wicked world where everything‘s not so cookie cut I’m not any safer type of whistle blower but let me tell you the information is out there if you look in the right places and ask the right people you will find it Because you will see it and you won’t even have to question it because you will know once you have that click everything starts to get a lot more real you’re gonna walk through the valley of the shadow of death look at your demons they’re going to challenge you they’re gonna try to drag you down you can’t let that happen that was an old part of you or a part of you that died and no longer exists only in your mind the character you created to play that part in this conundrum of your life but sometimes things get really still and you’re sitting around it’s almost a year two years three years and you need to get out you need to get out of that funk and then you get a taste for life again and you just start to go with it and then it just starts to take you over and you just get so caught up in this fantasy life that’s not real but it’s fun to play and it’s fun to Tesla miss ends test limits and just see where certain nights can take you and just be open minded and in the moment because the thing about that is you only have this moment and that’s the only mom you have and it’s never going to come around again so you have to live embrace it and live it to the fullest it’s one like I was always worried about the past or the future and that gives you just have to be present and except who you truly are and you know the world what what can you throw at me or how can I tackle this today I’m not gonna worry about it because I’m coming to God and when it comes on about it will inevitably be consistent with what you serve so you need to have more respect for yourself and not allow any type of disrespectful remarks or behaviors because you deserve more than that and you don’t know why you let that go on because you were in a dark place and you didn’t know any other way at that point in time and it’s really hard to dig yourself out of it because one after the next excuse after excuse little by little you see the storm sort of brewing and then that’s when lake you know that blender should go on and you should say I am just means I need to rest and recharge or whatever so everyone’s story is different everyone has their faces or favorite things comforts just be around good people don’t let anyone kill your vibe and don’t be afraid to ask questions for skip for what you believe in because you could be leading the way for so many other people that don’t have that choice or they can’t stand up for themselves for that just don’t know how to or have the strength to know you never know and hey if I truly believe something with my whole heart the Universe will conspire to make it happen.🌙

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oskea93 · 4 years

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Why Can’t I (1)

Warning: Language.

HEY GUYS! SO- I know I told you guys a few weeks ago that I felt like writing a Duff McKagan fanfic. At the time, I wasn’t sure where I was gonna go with it, often writing ideas down and then realizing they kind of suck. I honestly almost gave up writing this story because it wasn’t going the way I hoped it to go...UNTIL! I don’t know if any of you guys have ever seen the movie Cocktail with Tom Cruise, (it’s amazing, you should def check it out) but I was watching it and the idea came to me. If you have seen Cocktail, then you know it’s kind of cheesy in a way, I promise this will not be a cheesy story! It’s going to have elements of the movie, not focusing on the whole movie itself. I’m sorry if that didn’t make sense. I’m not sure it makes sense myself. I’m actually kind of nervous to be putting this out there because I have found and read some amazing Duff stories and I just hope my story can reach to their level of awesomeness. I am still going to be writing Keep it to Yourself (my baby for right now) and i’m going to be working on this story as well. If you read Thinking of You, my first Nikki story, you may have noticed that I haven’t updated that in a while. That story is actually on hold for right now until I figure out what i’m gonna do to it. I don’t want to give it up but i’m having hard time writing anything for it right now. I’ll stop rambling now and end this long ass post! IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TAGGED, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! ALSO, IF YOU ACTUALLY ENJOYED THIS STORY, PLEASE LET ME KNOW AS WELL :)

“Jamaica, here we come!”

I watched as my best friend exclaimed loudly, causing those around us to stop and stare. “Why aren’t you celebrating with me?” Bryn asked, reclaiming her seat next to me. “We’ve been waiting for how long for this trip and you’re sitting here like a bump on a log?” I rolled my eyes. Don’t get me wrong, I was very excited to be going to a tropical paradise. New York was in the middle of a cold snap, snow falling almost every day. I couldn’t wait to dig my feet in the warm sand and have the sun shine all over my body. Even though this was a dream trip, the thought of what I would be coming back to had me on edge. I guess I should explain a few things before we get too in-depth.

First off, I just want to say that I love and respect my parents. I know they want nothing but the best for me BUT their opinions are not always wanted or even needed. My father is the main culprit when it comes to sharing his opinion on how his family should be ran. He pushed my sister and I to be the best of the best, and that also included our taste in men. He wanted Devin and I to marry men that belonged to successful families, themselves having to be successful as well in their own right. He would often take it upon himself to pick out guys he thought suit us best, convincing us to go on dates with them to see where the relationship goes. For Devin, she got a husband out of it. As for me, I got a headache from being so annoyed by these guys. Each guy my father introduced me to was a complete and total dick. Self-centered, womanizing, egotistical dicks! I eventually told my dad that enough was enough. I was losing brain cells and my patience was dwindling with each date I had.

I guess you could say my dad listened… For a total of 3 weeks. Before I knew what was happening, a guy was being pushed into my office with my father trailing close behind. He introduced himself as Luke Reynolds. He was the son of one of my father’s friends, a very prominent businessman in the area. Luke was born with a silver spoon in his mouth but didn’t show it like the others did. He was somewhat down to earth but I could sense a bit of entitlement in his mannerisms. He knew he was good looking, which he was, and knew that he could get any girl he wanted. At the time, I guess you could say I was desperate. I had been on multiple dates that my father set me up on and they were all shit. Even though I told myself that my dating days were over, I decided to give this guy one last chance. If this didn’t work out then I was going to drop everything and join the convent. To my surprise, the date went amazing. We had so much in common and I slowly started falling for the guy. We dated for a little over a year before he popped the question. At the time, I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He was my person. He was the type of guy my parents approved of. He was an all-out catch. Without thinking, I told him yes and the wedding planning began.

As the wedding got closer and closer, my feelings for Luke started to change. I went from wanting to be around him all the time to not even caring if I saw him for a couple of days. Just the things he said would annoy me. Finally, Bryn took notice and suggested a girls trip to get away from the craziness of wedding planning and my sudden annoyance to my future husband. She had worked it out where we would spend a week or two on a tropical island, away from Luke, away from my parents, and away from anything that had to do with the wedding. At first, I tried to tell her that it wasn’t a good idea. I didn’t feel like flying or even leaving my apartment building at the time. I was just so burnt out, deciding that I didn’t want to have any more human interaction. Of course, Brynn couldn’t take no for an answer and I guess you could say the rest is history.

“You know I’m excited.” I replied, a reassuring smile adorned my face. She looked at me for a second, probably knowing that I was lying to her. She didn’t say anything else and neither did I.

“Ladies and gentleman, I am happy to announce that flight 4673 to Montego Bay, Jamaica is now boarding at Gate 4. Please have boarding passes ready and available.” … _________________________________________________________________ “Oh my gosh!”

 Bryn squealed as she took in the scenery of the island. “I feel like I’ve died and gone to Heaven.” I placed my things down on the bed, my body falling next to my suitcase.   “We almost did.” I muttered. The flight from Miami to Jamaica was horrendous. The turbulence was awful and it didn’t help matters that Bryn was freaking out the whole time. I’m pretty sure my arm is bruised from how hard she was holding onto it. She was even making the people around us uncomfortable.

“Don’t be such a negative nelly, Lauren!” She exclaimed, throwing herself next to me. We laid in silence for a few seconds. “You’re gonna go out and have fun, right?” I turned my head, my eyes connecting with hers. I nodded my head. “Promise me.” Her voice decreasing an octave. “You need to have fun or else I’m gonna be very mad.” I couldn’t help but start laughing at her seriousness.

I took her hand in mine, “I promise that I will go out there and have the time of my life.” I watched as her eyes studied me. “You pinky swear?” She asked, sticking out her right pinky. I immediately wrapped my pinky finger around hers. “I pinky swear.” Bryn Coleman was the person I trusted most in life. I trusted her more than my parents and sister combined. Bryn was always there when I needed her, even if it was 3am and I needed advice on what shampoo to use. Yeah, there were times when I wanted to choke her to death, but she was my person. She was my best friend. She was my pinky swear partner.

“What do you say we go out to one of those clubs tonight?” She removed herself from the bed. “I heard from this girl I work with that they get pretty wild.”

“Sure.” I replied, my gaze going back to the ceiling above me. I wasn’t really into the whole night club scene but I wasn’t gonna let Bryn go by herself, especially in a place like Jamaica! Maybe I needed to take Bryn’s advice and stop being a negative nelly. This vacation was planned on my behalf. I needed to get the stick out of my ass and have some fun. Who knows, this could be the last time I have an adventure like this…

“Come dance with me!”

Bryn had her hands reached out to me, an annoyed look on her face. As soon as we walked through the club doors, Bryn made her way onto the dance floor and started dancing with those around her. I was never big on dancing so I decided to take a seat at the bar and order myself a drink. I made sure to keep my eyes on her while I sipped on my drink. “Lauren!” She yelled my name, causing those around me to stop and look. I could feel my face get red with embarrassment, sending daggers in Bryn’s direction.

I took one last drink before getting up and following a now ecstatic Bryn to the dance floor. The place was packed with people, some with the spouses and others dancing with strangers. The reggae music filled the hot, stuffy air. I held onto Bryn’s hand as she led us to the front of the stage. Once up front, Bryn’s hips started swaying to the beat of the music. I soon followed suit, slowly getting into the club’s vibe. We must have danced for almost an hour before Bryn announced she had to use the restroom. I took this as my opportunity to sit down and get a drink as I waited. I made my way back to the bar, ordering myself another beer. Before I could hand the bartender, he shook his head, refusing to take the money. “Already paid for.” He stated, pointing toward the end of the bar. I looked to where his finger was pointing, seeing three guys leaning against the bar, drinking their own drinks. Two were blonde, the other had a head full of chocolate curls.

I watched as they looked out at the crowd, talking and laughing at times. The one guy must have felt my stare as his head turned and his eyes connected with mine. I quickly looked away, acting like I was looking in the other direction. I could feel my face heat up in embarrassment as I kicked myself for staring too long, getting caught right in the act.

“How’s your beer?” I jumped in surprise as a man’s voice sounded in my ear. I quickly turned around, seeing the guy who had caught me staring. “Woah-” He started to laugh. “I didn’t mean to scare you; Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” I muttered out, taking a drink of the beer. I couldn’t help but check the guy out. First off, he was incredibly tall! He was almost as tall as Luke, maybe an inch or two shorter. His bleach blond hair resting nicely on his tan, tattooed shoulders. His all black ensemble made him stick out like a sore thumb among the other patrons. “You wanna another drink?” He took the empty seat next to me. I watched as he flagged down the bartender, signaling to order two more beers.

“You bought the beer?” I questioned. “How’d you know I even liked beer?” I turned my body to face his, my knee accidentally brushing against his. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes, placing one in his mouth. He motioned for me to take one. I put my hand up, declining the offer. “I saw you drinking one earlier. Figured you needed another one after dancing the night away.” He said nonchalantly.

“Are you stalking me?” I asked. His head turning, our eyes connecting once again. His green eyes held a hint of mischief and wonder. I couldn’t help but start smirking. “Who are you?” He pulled his cigarette out of his mouth, blowing out the smoke he’d been harboring.

“Duff, Duff McKagan.” He placed his hand out for me to shake. I could feel my smirk growing larger. “What’s yours?” He questioned, his lips forming into a smirk. I debated on telling him my real name. I had no idea who this guy was. I was far away from home. What if I told him and he turns out to be a stalking murderer? “Molly.” I lied. “Molly Jones.” I shook his hand. His hand felt rough and callused. The smirk stayed on his face as he shook my hand. I don’t know if he could tell I was lying of not but he was going with it for now. “So, Molly-”He began. “What brings you to Jamaica?”

Before I could answer the question, Bryn came busting through the crowd. “Lauren!” She giggled once she reached me. “Lauren, I thought you left me or something.” She wined, grabbing onto my neck and holding me. I looked over a Duff, giving him an apologetic smile. “The bathroom here is so groady. There were people doing lines of coke off the nasty sink, I thought I was back in Brooklyn or something.” The smile that was on Duff’s face only grew as he nursed his drink and smoked his cigarette. Bryn soon let go of my neck, her head turning to face where Duff was sitting.

“You’re in my seat”! She yelled toward him. “That’s my seat, mister!” Duff turned to look at her. “Bryn, chill out.” I muttered. I was a bit embarrassed by the way she was acting. She went to the bathroom completely fine and now she was making a show of things. “He’s in my seat, Lauren.” She cried out. “Get him out of my seat.” She slumped her body against mine, almost knocking me off the bar stool. It was as if she went from being a 23-year-old woman to a three-year-old child.

“I can leave if that’s what she wants.” Duff spoke up. I quickly shook my head no, telling him to stay put. “We’re actually gonna leave.” I stumbled out of the chair, keeping a strong hold on my now high friend. “You need some help?” He quickly stood up, taking Bryn’s elbow in his grasp.

“Get your hands off me, guy!” Bryn exclaimed. She jerked her elbow out of Duff’s hand, turning to me and wrapping her arms back around my neck. “I’m sorry.” I mouthed to him. He gave me a smile and nodded. “Thanks again for the beer.”

“Sure thing.” I was starting to feel bad for lying to him. “Maybe I��ll see you around or something.”

I nodded my head the best I could, “Maybe you will.” I could feel Bryn’s grip on my neck grow tighter. “Let me get her back to the hotel before she makes a bigger ass of herself.” Duff and I said our goodbyes before I dragged Bryn out of the club.

Once outside, I set Bryn down on the bench and hailed for a taxi. “He was kind of cute.” Bryn muttered. I looked over at her, confusion written on my face. “The guy in there, the blonde guy.” She was talking about Duff. “You were totally into him.”

“Was not.” I quickly defended. “I was just talking to him.”

Bryn let out a laugh. “Lauren, you are a terrible liar.”

I rolled my eyes, turning back to the road to see where the damn taxi cab was. I don’t know what Bryn was talking about. There was no way I was into Duff. I didn’t even know the guy! He was just a guy that bought me a drink at the bar. That’s it and that’s all it will ever be...

#duff mckagan fanfiction #duff mckagan imagine #duff mckagan #duff mckagan x OC #guns n roses fanfic #guns n roses #1980s #1989

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oneofiv · 4 years

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Such a dirty, filthy word...GRIEF!

I am no expert but by life's infinite graces I am quite familiar with grief and the variety of coping mechanisms that come along with it. Welcome to my Ted Talk. Ok, serious face. I have been on this planet for a little over 33 years and in that time frame I have lost not one, but both parents and most recently and easily most gut wrenching my little sister Devin. If you are uncomfortable with dark humor and the concept of complete black hole sadness, I'd say turn around right now but really you should stay. Because these two things are eventually unavoidable. So buckle up babies!

Dad: 15 years old, stubborn, insecure, massive chip on the shoulder

Losing my dad was tough, for many reasons. He was the first. Uncharted territory. How does one go about living in a world where one minute you had two parents and the next you're down to one? Well more like half of one. Mom wasn't doing so swell back in 2001. She had a lot of demons (too many to go into in the post but trust me we'll get there one day). So now, I am the oldest sibling of a one parent household. Dad was the navigator, he was the one who knew the next step. I think this was the first time I felt completely and utterly helpless. I remember I was having a good day on September 27, 2001. My friend Brett and I went to the mall, I'm pretty sure I bought a purse from American Eagle. Back at home, sprawled out on my bed attempting to start some homework, the phone rang. It was my Dad's mom. You ever know something is wrong before given any actual reasoning? That's happened to me twice in my life. Once, 3 years earlier and this day. I knew he was gone. My grandma Alice asked to speak to my other grandma Carol (whom we lived with). She said nothing other than "Hi sweetie, can I talk to grandma Carol?" Thinking back on it there was no real shift in her tone of voice, maybe subtly but not enough to send red flags waving around in my mind. When it was finally said out loud that he was gone, I embraced the laminate flooring beneath me. An ungodly wail escaped my mouth. I became one with my siblings as a ball of overwhelming grief. A son without his idol, two daughters who wondered who would walk them down the aisle now? With that quick call the life that we had known was gone. He was gone.

Mom: 25 years old, still stubborn, still insecure, working on that chip, in a super unhealthy relationship

We use to joke about how it would come down to the apocalypse and all that would remain would be the cockroaches, Twinkies and my mama. She had done so much damage to herself in her short lifetime that it was baffling how she made it as long as she did. But despite all of that it was still absolutely shocking when she really died. I was living 900 miles away from my family in Myrtle Beach when I got the call from my sister. My knees gave out, my ears starting to ring. I now have no parents. How does that happen? How do some people have both and I get none? Selfish, irrational thoughts like that one would soon consume my mind. In chaos we booked a flight back to New York but it wasn't for 24 hours. We can drive there quicker than that. We ended up using the credit for the flight back for the official goodbye a few weeks later. Guilt. Crippling, soul crushing, guilt. Could I have changed the outcome by being kinder to her? Were my siblings right? My tough love approach was falling on deaf ears? I didn't tell her I loved her the last time I saw her. In fact, I'm pretty sure I just scoffed at her. A month earlier we celebrated Christmas. In the week I was back home she never emerged from her room. Or if she did, I wasn't around to see it. I hugged my siblings, cracked some jokes and packed up the car to escape back down to the warmth. Halfway down the block, "SUSIE", my most prized possession was back in my childhood room, we turned around. And there she was, making her way down the stairs like the living dead. Ghostly pale, disheveled, with the saddest eyes I've ever known. A common site, unfortunately. No words were exchanged. A sarcastic breathe of air was my greeting. I will have to live with this. Realistically, I think my mom knew how much I loved her. She had to. I spent the better part of 15 years begging her to come back to us. If that didn't scream love, what did? Maybe actually telling her "I love you"? I do Mom. More than words were ever able to express in your lifetime. I hope I am like you when I have kids of my own. Seriously! Minus the obvious issues, I would be disgustingly lucky to be a fraction of the mother you were. I wish you knew.

Devin: 29 years old, not so stubborn, still insecure, chip is long gone, freshly laid off

...I don't want to write about this. I've never had a problem sharing my grief about my parents but Devin is different. Its still so new. Its never been believable to me. Plus to be actually honest about this one I would have to divulged some things that I would rather keep close to the chest. Because Devin doesn't deserve to be remember any other way than as the wildly funny, intimidatingly gorgeous, absolute lunatic that she was. All you need to know is that my little sister died 5 days after her 28th birthday. I was the last one to see her. She was wearing a "Finding Gerald" shirt (i.e. Finding Dory) and the last thing I said to her, as I touched her back, was "I love you Dev". This grief. This is the monster you hear about. The one that takes down others. The one that is so easy to get lost in. The one that makes you wonder if you should follow and leave too. When I think about her not being here my initial reaction is sadness, obviously. But that is shortly followed by a cocktail of guilt, anger, resentment, self loathing, loathing in general, bafflement, you name it. And its that cocktail that gets stuck as a lump in my throat. I can't swallow it. I can't allow myself to move past those feelings. I can shake off the sadness but not these. I am conditioned to sadness. These were new. I would, and I mean this with every single inch of me, trade places with her if I could. The world deserves Devin but more importantly Devin deserved the world.

When my Dad died I coped like most teenagers would. I hated my mom, my littlest brother was the bane of my existence, I discovered self harm (eventually to be replace with the more socially acceptable tattoos and piercings) and I fell in love with a boy. With Mom, as I was older and "wiser" I coped with booze and drugs and sex. The holy trinity! After Devin, I ate. A lot. I went from a squishy size 12 to a robust size 20. My interest in guys was minimal, I assume a side effect of my new padding. I like to think that I have covered the spread on ways to cope after losing a loved one. But the reality is I could have done so much more damage if wanted to. I could have become #4 on the Sheppard Family Tree of Death. Which, I have dibs on by the way. I refuse to outlive anyone else! Call me selfish but I am done losing people. I am feverishly knocking on all wood surfaces right now. I think another one would break me. And for good. I often wonder how it hasn't already. Am I stronger than I think I am? Or in a weird way does my inability to follow through with things also effect this aspect of my life? ← If you are curious what dark humor looks like, this would be a prime example. In other words, I am not suicidal, just super fucked up!

People have asked me how I do it, I assume they mean live with so many people absent. The only thing I have to say to that is, Quinn. The littlest of the Sheppard's, a full grown adult man now, but forever my chicken nugget. You think its been rough for me? Quinn was 5 when Dad died, 15 when Mom left and 19 when he lost his best friend. All of that before he could remove the "teen" from his age. If he can keep his head up and walk this earth without a massive grudge then fuck it so can I! This is a constant theme in our lives, perspective. No matter how bad its been, it could always be worse. The hardest day of our lives could be a cakewalk for someone else. This doesn't mean we're not entitled to grieve the way that we do but it also doesn't excuse us for being bad people. I refuse to let the loss of my family members allow me to treat others in a negative fashion.

I will probably come back to this topic time and time again but for now this is it.

#grief #loss of loved ones #mom died #dad die #sister died #loss of parents #loss of a sibling #coping mechanisms #coping #survivors guilt #subsance abuse #alcholism #cancer

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wickedwraithh · 5 years

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Opening up about my DID

So, I'm not sure many people are aware of this, but I have DID (dissasociative identity disorder). It's hard to tell a lot of people about it because I've had so much backlash (with the negative stigma around it). Basically, I was diagnosed at around 15-16 with DID, caused by early childhood trauma. The trauma never really stopped (emotional / physical abuse, negligence, CSA) and has continued into adulthood with me. It's hard to function a lot of the time without something either positively or negatively triggering something to cause an alter to front. Whether it's music, a certain scent or emotion, all of those affect me and my alters. I get a lot of people asking me if I'm dangerous, my alters are dangerous, and I'm here to say one thing: we aren't. We each have our ways of coping with the real world, or drowning out the negativity. I'm not expecting either positivity or negativity from this post, since stigma exists.

And since I'm writing this post, I may as well introduce my alters.

-Crowley, age unknown. He's one of the upbeat ones, has a love for 70s-80s music and botany. He's very affectionate, stubborn, and to be honest, not very creative.

-Devin, 20. Loves pastel goth, punk, and grunge fashion. Wants to collect vinyls and CDs (we're pretty broke tbh), and adores horror movies (especially 80s slashers). Usually upbeat unless someone provokes him.

-Andromeda, 23. Has a thing for space and astronomy. They wear a lot of stripes and are very sensitive to certain textures of clothing and food. They won't tell you, but they want to start an animal rescue nonprofit. Their mood swings are odd, but usually never unpleasant.

-Iris, age unknown. Named after their favorite flower, Iris also loves botany. Their mood changes based on the music they listen to. Drinks excessive amounts of caffiene when fronting (and ends up regretting it instantly). They're all for everything soft and fluffy, and tends to get upset easily.

-Arris, older than time itself. He loves reading about history, mythology and is the religious one out of all of us. Wears mostly white clothing, sometimes changes it up to something colorful. He LOVES classical music and movie scores (his favorite composer being Colin Stetson). Also loves classical art. (Is the second most artistic)

And of course, there's me, the host.

-Sam, 18. I love everything nerdy, goth, and dark. My favorite artists are Jhonen Vasquez and Junji Ito. I love all sorts of music, my favorite musical artists being AFI, Nine Inch Nails and Snake River Conspiracy. I'm the most artistic out of all of us.

We hope to enlighten anyone who is curious about DID, and hopefully help end the stigma surrounding it. If you're curious about what each of us look like I'll probably post pictures in the near future.

-Sam, host

#did #end the stigma #disassociation #disassociative identity disorder #traumagenic system #system #headspace #actually traumagenic #professionally diagnosed #long post

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