#I’m not going to hurt myself

[mattodore]

he's waiting on a call he's planning to send straight to voicemail

#sorry matthias </3 maybe he'll pick up the next time you try calling............ <- me when i lie #river dipping #ts4 #ts4 edit #gifs #theodore doe #echthroi #hi friends and lovers hope everyone's doing well <3 #i got my old laptop to work so i have a laptop again even if the battery on it is messed up #but still #i haven't been online much bc i've started getting dizzy from staring at computer/phone screens for too long #and in particular the act of scrolling either on mobile or desktop makes my head spin and my eyes hurt :/ #but i powered through it yesterday so i could get in game with theo (and matthias) since i missed him really bad... oc plague be upon ye #i took... well. like five hundred screenshots and forty videos... i was in the soup. the mattodore soup. what can i say? #i don't like posting too much on here bc. i'm crazy (<- has avpd) so i probably won't post much from yesterday's fun here #but i'll post whatever i want on pillowfort <3 pic of jerma holding out his hand captioned let's take mattodore together #what else should i say before leaving... right my inbox... well i'll get to it eventually <- have been saying this since october sorry #but okay i've been staring at my screen too long so i need to go lay down for a bit #enjoy theo in motion!! if you’re a theo-head like myself #theodite à la jermamite? hm. its in the works. i’m workshopping. #mentioning jerma twice in these tags… busting a cyanide pill onto my tongue i’ve said too much #i have to go now mwah mwah mwah bye warmth and love to you mwah

[bleuu-moon]

YOUR BRAIN IS INSANE ?? UR SOULMATE THOUGHT WITH THE TAGS INCLUDED ??

“ghost who returns from deployment only to watch his love relive it as they sleep…”

this is going to consume my thoughts !!

(but really ur brain is massive thank u for sharing ur thoughts on here)

jhfsjdj pls ur so welcome but i don’t think i can write about it anymore, please don’t egg me o—

simon’s heard the theory before. happy to just shrug it off and move along with his day, fully convinced that he’s a lone soul that couldn’t possibly have a tie to someone else.

praying that he doesn’t.

i mean sure, his dreams are always kind of perplex yet oddly specific and strangely realistic. but they’re nothing short of mundane, and he believes it’s not possible that whoever out there meant for him, could be so normal. so instead of falling for the concept, he convinces himself that it’s just his own subconscious playing a sick joke, reminding him of what he doesn’t have, every night.

but then he meets you, and the theory becomes almost factual.

you’re everything that he dreams about. you’re normal, perfectly mundane and familiar. you’re the epitome of happiness and peace.

and that’s when it hits him like a ten tonne truck, forcing the wind out from within his lungs — it also means that he’s everything you dream about.

the guilt eats away at him from that day and beyond.

every time his phone lights up, and your face drops. the way you become detached and absent minded when you know a deployment is coming up. both of you knowing that you’re about partially feel and witness everything he does. and worst, knowing that you’re forced to face the nightmares alone, the ones that he can’t help but feel hugely responsible for.

he mutters “i’m sorry, love. stay strong, ‘kay? love you s’much.” against your forehead, everytime before he leaves through the front door, whilst still understanding that does absolutely nothing to soften the harsh nights you’re about to endure.

he returns, and it restores a slither of hope in you. one more night, and then it’s back to stillness. one more bad night and it’s back to a quiet, and a full nights rest.

your exhausted, dark, tired eyes speak a thousand words, a mirror image of simon’s own. forcing shame upon his head. however, you seem chirpier than when he last seen you, knowing it’s because there’s a dead weight almost lifted from your shoulders.

your shared bed is still in the same state as when he left, the pillows in the exact same position, his half read book still open face down on the duvet. a routine you’ve obtained, sleeping on the couch, finding a small ounce of comfort in having the TV on as you try to recuperate.

but that evening, that small ounce of comfort comes from simon himself. he watches down at you, head on his bare chest, stirring and jolting in your sleep. whimpering as your facial features twitch and twist, your fists continuously clench and unclench, with your knuckles turning pale. guilt, shame, self-hatred. simon feels it all when he see’s you like that, stuck in a dark hole that he places you in.

he knows what’s happening inside of your head, and all he can do he helplessly watch you fight your way through, just like he did. holding you tight as you try to resist against his strength. and when you snap awake, panting and searching for breath, simon is there, promising that it’s going to be over soon, and that he’ll make it all stop.

#hurt myself with this one #i’m going on a tangent with this au #did someone say Simon’s father???? roba?? buried alive??????? #someone stop me #simon ghost riley #soulmate au #ghost x reader #ask <3

[whereismyhat5678]

I’m a little bit nervous to post these but I’m already here.

You guys don’t mind a bit of angst right? Specifically Anton angst since I haven’t drawn the guy in a while.

Although MASSIVE trigger (I’m not kidding) warning for scarring: scratches, cuts, bruises(?)…and bites (they’re not that noticeable but they’re there. I suggest if you’re not comfortable don’t look under.)

He hates showing how vulnerable he is sometimes, and that especially goes for his back. He’s never shown anyone (except Annie). And frankly he’s pretty nervous to.

Anton still has some bad memories about it.

Annie will try her best to comfort him, the thing she’ll do most is kiss his back (the first time she did it he started crying. He felt genuinely loved for once). She still does it when he’s not feeling good, she also holds and hugs him too.

#ANTONBLAST #ANTONBALL DELUXE #I have so many headcannons for him that I won’t share yet #I initially was just thinking about it and kept it to myself #I like the idea of Annie and Anton comforting each other when feeling sad #Like they always are so spunky and fiery but deep down they feel hurt from things they’re experienced #Anton only gets to see his daughter on the weekends #Anton #Annie #Dynamite Anton #Dynamite Annie #I’m really frickin tired I need to go to bed-

[e-m-p-error]

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ | Perhaps for an eclectic combination of Era & Hellaina, Jayden/Vel, Val/Vox, and Vox/Tello(/Val)???

For each “⭐️” I get, I’ll write a headcanon about our muses.

[ Erasmo ]

⭐️ Era was the reason Hellaina joined up with his friend group of criminals. He met her and took her in when she needed someone to be there for her, as he was wont to do. Era was always picking up strays.

⭐️ He mistakenly thought that she was into him after what happened with April and he declined feelings he assumed she had. It was a mostly well-received rejection because she wasn't interested and that helped him relax more with her.

⭐️ When he went into porn he used some of his money to help her with a vehicle that needed to be repaired. He was always willing to help if he was good for it.

⭐️ He considered her a close friend, though Missy remained his only best friend.

[ Velvette/Jayden ]

⭐️ Velvette still manhandles him often, no matter what they are doing or where they are.

⭐️ She has served him drinks with little toys in the bottom of them. She thinks it's funny when he chokes on them but always makes sure to help him when he's choking.

⭐️ Velvette is very focused on his health and happiness and is the first person to gentle him when he needs it.

⭐️ While they got married for the joke, she found that she actually really, really did love him. He's very important to her and she'd never file for divorce.

[ Vox/Valentino ]

⭐️ Before their big talk, Valentino believes Vox doesn't care about him because their sex life is lacking due to Vox's general disinterest in sex.

⭐️ Vox does not understand Val's obsession with his horoscope, but he listens every day when Valentino reads him his because it's important to him. It's one of the sweet things that Valentino does for Vox that isn't sexual and it proves he cares.

⭐️ Valentino doesn't know what to do with one of his love languages, since Vox can't eat. During one of their excursions to Earth, Valentino rents them a hotel room with a kitchenette and he makes Vox the most delicious eggs benedict he's ever had. Cooking for a partner is something he considers an ultimate show of love.

⭐️ Valentino never felt more seen or heard with Vox than he did the night they were drugged and forced into Honesty Time. Their relationship grew closer and stronger for it, and Val is honestly more secure in their relationship now than he's been in decades.

[ Vox/Ostello/Valentino ]

⭐️ Ostello has written and performed 50 love songs for Vox before Valentino fell. Valentino is at a healthy 22.

⭐️ Valentino has to teach Ostello how to have sex with him properly but is willing to because of Vox mediating between them.

⭐️ Vox's involvement is half of why Ostello gets to live. The other half is that they actually communicate about the lackluster sex.

⭐️ Ostello loves Vox more than anything but is instantly infatuated with Valentino. He did talk at length with Vox about it, because he values open and honest communication.

#It’s Best To Keep Me Pleased (Answered Asks) #HEADCANONS ➽➽➽ #And If You Get In My Face Then You’ll Get A Taste Even God Would Run Son (ναℓєитιиσ) #Hollywood Made A Killing Machine She’s Like A Teenage Slaughter Movie Scene A Serial Killer Celebrity (тяιиα) #I Love You Oh So Madly But I Don’t Stand A Ghost Of A Chance With You (σѕтєℓℓσ) #It’s Killing Me I Just Want You To Be My Next Mistake That I’m Gonna Make (Velvette ♡ Jayden) #Catch Me If You Can With A Cigarette In Hand And It’s Love It’s Heavy And It Hurts And It’s Love (Valentino ♡ Vox) #I Said To Myself This Affair Never Will Go So Well But Why Should I Try To Resist? (Ostello ♡ Valentino ♡ Vox)

[autism-criminal]

no no no

#they’re actuslly #Following through with it this time #I don’t wanna move #I don’t wanna go #the self destructive behaviors are behavioring #I’m scared #im so scared #I don’t wanna hurt myself #tw self destructive behavior #tw self destruction

[kidovna]

How is your back? 🫶

It’s sort of better? I’ve restarted morning yoga and that’s helping! It’s still bad enough that this picture gives me physical pain every time I look at it 😂

#anonymous #thank you for checking in on me! that’s so sweet 🥹 #I have so many new ideas I want to draw for byler but I’m limiting myself to assignments now #so I don’t hurt myself trying to draw more than I can #but once submissions are over on march 8th it’s going to be fun 🫶🏽

[rotzaprachim]

Under cut for traumatic content but

Yesterday whilst biking home from my job at rush ish hour I was full on hit by a car that ran past speed limit through a stop sign/four way stop and hit the side of my bike full on. I was biking through a pedestrian crosswalk when it hit me. So far it seems like I had a miraculous survival in terms of I have a broken leg and various torn things, some head stuff, but - it’s overall shockingly good. Still processing that it happened and hit me and for a while my brain was so stuck in the half second of it Happening. For what Happened, a stroke of grace - there were several pedestrians including children in the area and the car hit only me, who was wearing a helmet and protective footwear for my commute.

the driver hit and fled the scene of the crime. Later the police came to collect by bike and helmet, which had both been destroyed, for evidence. The person who hit and ran was driving under the influence, and non receptive to external information and stimuli. Because they do not have the financial resources to pay the $5000 dollar bail they are being held until trial. I don’t…. For a while my mind was so stuck in the half second of the crash, replaying it over and over again. I don’t know how to feel about this. I’m so angry. I’m so angry at the situation. I’m so angry I almost died and that someone cared so little that I was almost killed by somebody. I’m so angry at the situation and the local situation that ended up with someone barreling through a pedestrian commuter area while intoxicated. I’m so angry about inequalities and the violence of drugs and alcohol and I’m so angry at the police and how they got involved and I’m angry about the incarceration. What does that do? What does that do for fucking any of it? I hate that person. I hate that person for how close they came not just to killing me but the middle aged woman and the children on the crosswalk. But I didn’t die, and my injuries I will recover from, and so there’s someone else whose life will be ruined from this, and it isn’t me.

#Tw trauma #Tw intoxication #Tw incarceration #Dark but you know what? This is my DIARY and I’m processing it/ #Personal #When I say lucky I mean lucky in terms of being alive and no major surgery. Not lucky in terms of. Jesus everything hurts #Differing accounts of using social media and reading/writing I know but listen. I need to Distract myself. I will go off this #But I needed to Process and typing is so much easier than writing

[babyfairy]

if anyone who sees this is religious or spiritual, please say a prayer for my family today or keep us in your thoughts. i’m returning home from my trip to a very traumatic environment and all of us are struggling

#don’t know how to properly prepare myself so instead i’m just going to try and focus on preparing tools for crisis so i don’t hurt myself #or have an episode

[jjkyaoi]

saw somebody on tiktok being like “me when the trans man who wears push up bras and makeup and dresses gets upset when i misgender him” and all the comments were filled with the most INSANE transmeds i’ve ever seen. and so i went to op’s account and found out they themselves are nonbinary and i just had to sit with that for a second. it’s always the most insane thing in the world when i see content like that and find out it’s from people in my own community, but it’s also sad.

i pity them. i feel bad for how they clearly feel like they have to control an entire community for approval from everyone else, how they feel like they have to make everyone else and themselves confine to society’s gender norms just so the trans community isn’t as “weird” as everyone thinks we are. how they have what is and isn’t “trans enough” drilled into their head so deeply from bigots that they’re willing to take it out on people who either don’t have enough money to transition, aren’t in a safe enough situation to pass, or just don’t care about wearing traditionally “masculine” clothing or passing at all. it makes me feel bad because they’re fighting a losing battle when there’s people in the world who will never accept trans people no matter how much we “pass” or what surgeries we get and at the end of the day these people are just doing the same things that bigots do; making somebody feel uncomfortable in their body, they way they want to present, the way they are.

#anyways these people suck #tiktok is full of brainrotters bro (<- uses tiktok every day) #we’ve had this same conversation for years and years and my post isn’t going to do much of anything but #i have a lot of thoughts abt it !! as a transmasc myself who doesn’t really care much about passing or binding or any of that #though it’s different because i’m not a trans man #i js want to pull these people in a corner and be like Who Hurt You #trans #trans men #transmasc #transgender #lgbt #lgbtqia #gay #trans rights

[camgoloud]

you ever just. become overwhelmed by a sudden out-of-nowhere wave of tenderness and affection and longing for reconnection directed towards someone to whom you no longer speak for Very Good Reasons

#‘out of nowhere’ she says like she hasn’t been doing a lot of reading/thinking recently about various tragic messy breakups #and the later regrets of the parties involved #anyway. tell me not to text her #it’s been over two years since the last time we talked… absolutely no reason to break that streak now. lord give me strength #she was really fucking mean to me! like objectively intentionally unwarrantedly cruel! it ruined an entire year of my life #and fundamentally changed me as a person on a deep level! there’s a lot of things i used to like about myself that i don’t think i’m ever #going to get back #and yet every once in a while we have to do the whole ‘maybe i could make things right’ song and dance 😔 #the thing is most of the time i’m not even really angry with her anymore like enough time has passed since all the shit went down that #really i just sort of look at her behavior and feel sad. both because of the impact on me but also because of the ‘that’s really how you #felt you needed to act towards someone who cared about you? you couldn’t have just expressed your feelings in an honest and productive way #instead of just lashing out in the cruelest possible way and ruining the entire relationship beyond hope of repair?’ #and i feel bad and sorry that it went that way and honestly i kind of pity her and hope she’s gotten some of her shit worked out #so i’m not like. actively pissed off at her anymore. but also i can’t think about her without thinking about the worst year of my life so 🙃 #i don’t actually feel that trying to reopen that door would be very healthy for me at least #we did try a Reconciliation of sorts a couple of months after the initial falling-out and while it was kind of helpful for me in that she #like. apologized lmao. and affirmed that i wasn’t crazy and she did in fact On Purpose say the most hurtful things she possibly could have #said to me given the information she had at her disposal. and that i really had not done anything to her that could warrant that. etc. #it also left a sour enough taste in my mouth that i just don’t see a future where the two of us spending time together is enjoyable for me #and yet… the regret will always live inside me i think. maybe if i were a stronger person… #caseyposting

[33max]

me when I remember that I suck and people hate my entire existence

#honestly like if you ever think ‘I’m gonna send this person all the reason I don’t like them’ on anonymous #maybe just take 0.2 seconds to consider how long it might affect them for #like in the last 4 weeks I’ve cried like every day #had to go on new meds #and isolated myself from like most people #so like idk maybe just consider if anonymous hate is worth it #but like I guess people that send anon hate want to hurt you deeply #but like idk man it’s just fucked #didn’t mean to write an essay in the tags #just think it’s absolutely fucked up that I now don’t have a safe space on the internet #and I will remember what those messages said for the rest of my life probs so ouch #rsd sucks ass btw

[lyraeeee]

let me cook???

a small sneak peak of my upcoming work🤞🤞

it really has been such a long time since I last wrote anything and I’m just so excited to share this to everyone soon.

might be posting this on tuesday? wednesday? It’ll depend on my mood

I only wrote for the earthrealm gang so far but if other people ask for it then I’ll consider writing one for the other characters too :)

#— ❝meteor❞ #mortal kombat x reader #mortal kombat 1 x reader #mortal kombat headcanons #oh we’re so back #unfortunately I had to come back with the angst #I love angst #angst is my best friend #mk fandom needs more angst #as much as I love the fluff and crack and smut #been craving and absolutely starved for some angst #and not the usual hurt and comfort type of stuff #I mean it’s alright but I needed the absolute and unbridled angst that has no happy ending whatsoever #and I decided to make one myself #so um… #here you go! #if I’m in a good mood I might also write a happy ending for this one #let’s see what happens

[jenanigans1207]

Just imagine for me, if you will:

Cas has made his deal with the empty— a moment of true happiness and the empty will strike. He knows this, he’s known this since the deal was made, obviously. More importantly, he knows what it is that will give him true happiness, and it’s the man standing across from him staring at him with terrified green eyes. He knows what he must do, how he must save Dean. It isn’t how he planned to confess, but—

But—

But wait, Dean is talking. Why is Dean talking?

“Cas,” Dean is choking out, his voice unstable. “Fuck, Cas, this isn’t—“

“Dean—“ Cas glances at the door. They don’t have time for this, but Cas knows that this very possibly is the last thing he’ll ever hear Dean say. And Dean looks urgent, practically begging Cas to listen with the intensity of his gaze.

So Cas relents, just for a moment. He meets Dean’s gaze and it’s enough encouragement for Dean to continue.

“This isn’t how I planned to tell you— if I planned to tell you at all. Fuck, Cas, I always swear that I’m going to tell you next time. But we’re running out of next times, man, and I just— I can’t keep it in— I need to—“ Dean’s eyes are wild as he glances between Cas and every corner of the room, completely aware of the intensity of the situation and the weight of the words he’s trying to say.

“Dean,” Cas says just as urgently, stepping forward to draw Dean’s gaze to him. “Tell me what?”

Dean meets his eyes and for one single moment, the world slows to a stop around them. Cas can see the answer to that question in Dean’s eyes a moment before he says it out loud. He forgets, for just that second, that they’re standing on the precipice of death, that they don’t have the luxury of indulging in this. For just that second, Cas lets himself let out the breath he’s been holding for ten years.

“I love you.” Dean breathes, and he looks like he could sag in relief from finally speaking the words. “I love you so goddamn much and I have for so goddamn long and I couldn’t let either one of us die again without making sure you knew that.”

And oh, oh, Cas has never felt something like this— this blooming, all-consuming warmth. He’s never felt something so tangible unfurl in his chest, spreading out and filling up every corner of his being.

Cas has loved Dean for nearly every second they have known each other and now he knows that Dean loves him, too. That Dean wants him to know— needs him to know that he’s loved, no matter what happens.

Cas opens his mouth to respond—

And he sees the black bubbling along the wall behind Dean.

He should have known.

But how could he know that Dean would love him back? How could he anticipate that Dean would say the words to him that he had rarely said to anyone, in any capacity, in his entire life? Of course he knew Dean had the potential to be his ultimate happiness— or rather that his ultimate happiness was wrapped up in Dean in one way or another. Of course he knew this because everything he did, everything he wanted, everything he cared for or longed for— everything, all of it revolved around Dean.

But still, he never thought that Dean would say it first.

“Dean, I—“ Cas needs to say it back, is desperate to say it back, but the empty is headed directly to him and Dean is in its path.

Cas can’t think, can’t bear the idea of risking Dean for anything. He acts, shoving Dean out of the way as he empty sputters and gurgles, wrapping around him.

“Cas!” His name wrenches out of Dean’s throat in a way that’s painful to hear. Cas hates that it’s the last thing he’ll ever hear in Dean’s voice, hates that it has to be his final memory of the man who gave him everything.

The man who taught him to love, who gave him a place to belong. The man who helped him clean up his messes, who treated him as equal instead of other. The man who became the center of everything in Cas’s universe— every single thing that Cas cared about or was interested in stemmed from the same root named Dean Winchester and now Cas was leaving him behind.

I love you, too! He tries to shout as the empty drags him away. His last conscious thought is a desperate, unbridled hope that against all odds, Dean was able to hear him.

#I’m just saying #cas confessing his love and being taken before Dean can respond hurts #but what hurts worse is the idea that Dean finally gets up the guts to confess #and it’s confession that makes cas so happy that it triggers his deal with the empty #and then Cas dies before he gets to tell Dean how he feels #imagine how completely that would fuck Dean up #his love killed cas #even if he doesn’t know the details of the deal #all he knows is that he finally finally finally said I love you and it cost him CAs #and he has to go on for the rest of time wondering what Cas would’ve said #I’m so sorry for this #I hurt myself writing it #destiel #deancas #angst #spn #supernatural

[jittyjames]

ptsd is being such a bitch to me tonight guys. your girl is not doing well.

#i don’t want to feel this way #but i don’t know how to stop it #i just feel myself spiraling out of control again and all of these thoughts keep coming with it #it wont leave me alone #i want it to leave me alone #i don’t want to go on more meds bc they fucked me up even more and i want to be able to think #but my heart has started pounding so quickly again that i can’t focus on anything else #i feel so empty and weird and vague #december is always a bad time and it’s hard when i don’t have class or work as a distraction #i’m always on the verge of crying and #i just do all these breathing techniques that don’t work #and i just lay in a ball on my bed shaking and hurting #you know it’s bad when even writing doesn’t calm me down #ocd combining with ptsd is a hell of a thing #how can you calm yourself down when you’re not thinking rationally and it won’t leave your head #part of me just wants to panic and get it over with but i feel like if i start i won’t be able to stop and just simply fly into hysterics #idk #just haven’t felt this bad in a while #i just want to get out of my head so bad #i wish i could turn thinking off #sorry i know y’all aren’t my therapist and i should get my own #but im still on my parents insurance and i don’t think they would allow that #i don’t mean to vent #i just feel really hopeless and shit rn #anyway #i’m going to try to sleep and hope it will be better in the morning #it wont be tho lol #nothing is ever better #bc the universe and god hate me

[electric-friend]

i’ve got so many unfinished fics in my drive and maybe even one published one where someone calls stede strong and brave for maintaining his softness even when life pushes back.

recently i feel like stede made a choice ed and izzy have both made in the past that they’ve always wished they never did, and stede could have been spared from. at the very least i think it hurt ed to see the version of himself he hates in stede. he probably thinks stede wanted to become that man for reasons other than stede has been bullied his entire life for being inadequate and told a man a bit like blackbeard is a real man.

call me crazy or whatever but i actually think a major thing that should be communicated between ed and stede is something on stede’s end. his trauma and his feelings and his issues. as it stands now, i don’t think ed understands what’s going on with stede. i don’t think he understands the person stede really wants to be. i don’t think he understands stede’s own issues of self-doubt and stede’s insecurities. hell i don’t think ed even has that much of a grasp of how unpopular and disliked stede has always been his entire life. and i think maybe if stede explained himself better, ed would understand more of what was going on. that he wouldn’t be seeing stede as manifesting something he wants to escape from, he would see stede as someone he needs to help escape with him.

#ofmd #ofmd s2 spoilers #blackbonnet #gentlebeard #stede bonnet #edward teach #a hint of #steddyhands #but i’m not really going into it #idk if this makes much sense #it’s not super well laid out it’s just a chaotic bunch of prose im expressing myself through #obviously i feel like ed should maybe communicate more of his feelings to stede too #but i feel like everyone is focusing really hard on stede being a dick and needing to apologise #when what really needs to happen (though i doubt it will on screen) is they both need to articulate their feelings #so that they understand each other and stop getting caught up mis communicating #also listen. i don’t think stede did a good thing in that argument #but i do fundamentally believe that ed saying it was a mistake. no matter how much stede might also think that was true #probably genuinely seriously triggered stede and upset him a lot #they were both really hurt in that conversation #but i think that there’s this thing going on where stede has become a man that reminds ed of a part of himself he associates- #-with the version of himself he hates #and in a way that’s happening the other way around too #ed is soft. quiet. gentle. the crew doesn’t respect him #stede sees a version of himself he feels insecure about when he looks at ed now #and it’s fucking with them. #majorly. #i hope they talk but i know there’s not enough time in the show for them to talk the way i want them to

[satorhime]

it’s 1:30 am, i have to wake up for my big girl job in the morning, and i can’t stop sobbing

#my chest hurts SO bad #i don’t know what to do with myself #i feel like i’m about to go with him 😭😭😭😭😭