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#I’m not just indifferent to having that in a relationship I’m deeply averse to it
catgirlcamus · 2 years
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#researching stuff like szpd a lot really makes me have to look at and wonder how other people view/want from relationships#just cause in that case one of the criteria ‘having no close friends and loved ones’#which I’ve always thought I do cause I’m close to my (direct) family and have a handful of friends#but then reading more detail about being able to connect through people with shared interests or hobbies#but avoiding being emotionally close to others#and I was like oh is that what most people consider being a close friend?#do other people define close friend as someone you can talk about feelings and personal problems with#because I want that from no one and I have to distance myself from people if they start oversharing too much#or want to vent or want emotional intimacy or whatever#I’m not just indifferent to having that in a relationship I’m deeply averse to it#and it makes me so uncomfortable and I need to keep myself from getting involved in stuff like that#cause otherwise I get so anxious and burnt out#but I love talking about my special interests with people who also love and are excited about the same things#and it’s fun to casually hang out#to me that’s what being close with someone is#so it’s weird for me to realize a lot of people desire intimacy and emotional vulnerability and closeness from friends#which I have no desire for#and that really doesn’t bother me at all. I am perfectly content interacting with people solely#through mutual excitement and interest over something#but it does make feel guilty realizing and worrying that I’m a bad person or friend#for needing a lot of distance emotionally#and not wanting that at all#anyway. shrug emoji this is t even me venting just wondering aloud.
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becasbelt · 4 years
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Words: 4,874 Fandom: Pitch Perfect (Movies) Rating: T Relationships: Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell Characters: Chloe Beale, Beca Mitchell Additional Tags: Angst, Pining, Canon Compliant Summary:
Chloe is in love with Beca, and Beca is in love with Chloe. Just… not at the same time.
In which Beca and Chloe can’t seem to figure out their timing.
Dedicated to my loving mother @darby-carter <33
* * *
Falling in love with Beca Mitchell isn’t something that Chloe necessarily expected upon their first meeting, but she can’t say that she’s particularly surprised by it, either. Chloe has always been free with her emotions- something that her mother always says she admires about Chloe.
Although she can’t really know for sure, Chloe likes to think that she generally feels things faster and stronger than most people. When she hates someone, she will go out of her way to avoid them at all costs. When she likes a show on Netflix, she will spend every waking moment watching it and looking up any information she can find on it. When she crushes on someone, they become all-consuming; Chloe thinks of them constantly.
So when a small spark of attraction starts deep in her chest for Beca, Chloe knows that it is only a matter of time before Beca completely takes over Chloe’s world.
And take over Chloe’s world she does, with startling swiftness and terrifying completeness.
Because even if Chloe has been in love before, every kind of love she’s felt in the past pales in comparison to how she feels about Beca.
And sometimes, Chloe thinks that Beca might just love her back.
Beca is a naturally prickly person, Chloe has noticed. Averse to almost any form of physical contact, affection, and intimacy. The emotional side of things isn’t much nicer. Beca hardly answers questions about herself and tends to get her way out of any conversation that seems like it may be heading in a sincere direction. It’s almost impressive how well she does at distancing herself from others, both physically and emotionally.
Maybe that’s part of why Chloe falls for her so hard and so fast; she just aches to make sure that Beca feels loved in some way.
So naturally, Chloe inserts herself into Beca’s life.
And Beca, shockingly enough, doesn’t really seem to mind.
At practices while Aubrey is lecturing Amy about her lack of cardio, Beca will slink away from Stacie’s attempts of showing affections towards her, only to allow Chloe’s arms to circle her middle from behind a moment later. Beca will answer Cynthia-Rose with some sarcastic quip when she asks why Beca is in the Bellas if she hates it so much, yet when it comes up in a late night conversation with Chloe a week later, she seems to have no problem opening up about how her dad will help her move to LA after the year is done if she ‘shows some real effort.’
Chloe seems to be Beca’s exception in almost every aspect of life, which thrills Chloe to no end.
Beca kissing Jesse is unexpected and surprising, to say the least.
Chloe didn’t think that Beca even liked Jesse as a person, let alone liked him as a potential romantic partner.
Watching Beca and Jesse kiss quite literally breaks Chloe’s heart. She cries about it on she and Aubrey’s couch for a solid week until Aubrey tells her that she needs to get over it, because it’s not like she and Beca were even dating or anything.
It was just a crush, Aubrey tells her. She hadn’t even known Beca for all that long, Aubrey says. You’ll be okay, she assures her.
But none of those things feel true to Chloe.
It’s funny, Chloe thinks as she watches the Hallmark channel, bottle of open wine cradled in her lap protectively. It’s funny how discovering that someone you have a crush on likes someone else feels like a breakup, even though you were never even in a relationship to begin with. At the end of the day, the person who broke your heart never technically had any obligation to love you back, because they never knew how you felt in the first place. It is an entirely one-sided heartbreak, which makes it all that much worse.
And since Chloe has always felt emotions more strongly than others, she thinks it’s pretty safe to assume that her heartbreak hurts more than it really should.
* * *
Failing Russian lit isn’t something that Chloe necessarily expected herself to do, but she can’t say that she’s particularly surprised by it, either.
The class was hard, and Chloe knew that she had done poorly on a lot of the tests and assignments in it, so her failing isn’t exactly the most shocking news of the day.
There are both upsides and downsides to Chloe having to stay in school another year.
Positives: Chloe has another year to figure out her life before she has to face the harsh reality that is the real world. Chloe gets to be in the Bellas another year, which is arguably her favorite thing in the world. Chloe gets to stay with Beca for another year.
Actually, the whole ‘staying with Beca’ thing could be a downside as well.
It’s a downside because Beca is dating Jesse, and Chloe is still tragically in love with Beca.
The thing is, Beca justmjust it so easy to be in love with her.
It’s in the little things that Beca does. Like the way she makes mixes for Chloe and gifts them to her with a shrug, telling her it wasn’t a big deal. Like how she looks so adorably grumpy cuddled up with Chloe under a blanket during Bella movie nights. Like how her cheeks flush whenever Chloe kisses her cheek, allowing it with only a small amount of grumbling.
Every single little thing that Beca does is endearing to Chloe, which is as frustrating as it is wonderful, because Beca gives Chloe so many reasons to hope that they could be together someday. It’s in the things she says:
“I’ve never known anyone like you before.”
“You’re the only person I feel like I can trust in this world, Chlo.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
If Beca didn’t have a boyfriend Chloe would swear that Beca felt the same way. If Beca didn’t have a boyfriend, Chloe would have absolutely told her how in love with her she is by now. But the reality is that Beca does have a boyfriend, one which she is very much in love with.
So for now Chloe will just ignore all the different ways that Beca Mitchell can make her heart clench and selfishly hope that Jesse and Beca won’t work out in the end somehow.
* * *
Chloe is still selfishly letting herself hope three years later, with no end in sight.
Emily asks them if they’re dating one day over lunch, causing Beca to almost choke on her food. Chloe pats Beca’s back as she tries to fight the blush blooming on her cheeks, avoiding sweet, innocent Emily’s curious gaze.
“What?” Beca squeaks out as soon as her airways are clear again.
Emily blushes deeply. “I was just wondering if you guys are dating, because you’re always holding hands and sharing a bed and saying ‘I love you’ and you just seem to know each other really well.”
Beca laughs as if the idea is absurd, and Chloe ignores the slight pang of hurt that it sends to her chest. “Oh wow, no. We are definitely not dating, Chloe’s just super affectionate.”
She’s still laughing as she says it, as if it’s the funniest thing in the world, which makes Chloe feel slightly offended. “You make it sound like dating me is the worst thing that could ever happen,” Chloe says coolly, raising an eyebrow at Beca.
It’s almost comical actually, the way both Emily’s and Beca’s eyes widen in response to that.
“No no no, that’s not what I’m saying at all,” Beca rushes out. “I just don’t think we’d never date.”
Chloe’s pushes down the tears suddenly threatening her eyes. “And why not? You don’t think we’d be good together?”
Beca shakes her head and laughs in astonishment. “Jesus, dude, that’s not what I’m saying.”
“That’s what I’m hearing.”
“Why are you pushing this so hard?”
Chloe shrugs in an attempt to act indifferent. “I just want to know why you wouldn’t date me.”
“Because you’re my best friend and I don’t think I could ever like you like that.”
Silence follows Beca’s statement, filling the kitchen with tense energy. Emily looks between Beca and Chloe nervously while they stare at each other. And as much as Chloe is hurt by Beca’s words, by her claim that she could never see Chloe as more than a friend, she still can’t help the way that her eyes drift down to Beca’s lips.
“Thank you for the clarification,” Chloe says quietly before forcing her eyes away from Beca’s face. She stands from the table and moves to set her plate in the sink, excusing herself from the kitchen without another word.
Beca doesn’t come after her.
* * *
Somehow Chloe ends up moving to New York with Beca.
Well, Beca and Fat Amy, that is.
Chloe never expected to move to New York, but she can’t say that she really minds it all that much. It’s vibrant and exciting, full of people and possibilities; exactly Chloe’s type of scene.
Except, Chloe usually spends the night in with Beca instead of experiencing all that New York has to offer.
Beca, who is recently single for the first time in nearly four years.
Beca, who came out to Chloe a couple months ago over an intimate dinner at a nice restaurant.
Beca, who will never see Chloe as anything more than her best friend.
And Chloe, being the hopeless, stupid romantic that she is, still can’t help but feel a tiny bit of hope that something will change between them. The hope is small, nearly completely put out at this point, which is exactly how Chloe likes it. Being in love with Beca at this point is more like embers in a fire bit rather than a raging inferno: still there, still warm, just not quite as intense.
Although, some nights those embers spark into a small flame, and those nights are usually aided by alcohol.
Tonight is one of those nights.
And Chloe honestly really hates herself, and hates Beca, and hates emotions, and doesn’t understand what the point of anything is anymore.
But damn if Beca still isn’t just as breathtaking today as she was when Chloe saw her at that activities fair five years go.
Beca is talking about… something. Chloe honestly isn’t sure what she’s going on about, because she’s had nearly a full bottle of wine and it’s making her head fuzzy and right now Chloe is positive that Beca has never looked so good in all the years they’ve known each other, even if she is only wearing sweatpants and an old Barden t-shirt.
“And like, I asked him if he was happy with that take, and he just shrugged so I was like ‘do you want to run it again?’ and he shrugged again, which really made me want to shove his fucking sunglasses down his throat.”
“He’s stupid,” Chloe says distractedly, though she doesn’t know who Beca is even talking about at this point. She’s too busy admiring the earrings lining Beca’s ears, and the curve of her neck so perfectly on display thanks to how Beca's hair is pulled up in a messy bun, and the shape of her lips and how kissable they look.
Chloe was sitting on the other end of the couch from Beca. She knows she was because she purposefully sat on the other end at the beginning of the evening to keep herself from reaching out a touching Beca impulsively.
So Chloe was sitting on the other end of the couch, but she is definitely not sitting on the other end when she pulls Beca in for a kiss by the back of her neck.
As soon as Chloe realizes what she’s done, she is immediately mortified with herself and starts to pull away. Hands coming up to cup her face halt her retreat, however, and a mix of confusion and elation overcomes her when Beca starts kissing Chloe back.
Their kisses become increasingly more frantic the longer they last, Chloe eventually pushing Beca back against the couch cushions to lay on the top of her. Chloe isn’t sure how long this dream that she’s in is going to last, so she figures she might as well enjoy it for as long as possible.
Chloe deepens the kiss, tongue pushing its way past Beca’s lips as Beca groans beneath her. Beca’s hands tighten in Chloe’s hair, not necessarily pulling or pushing in any way; just holding as if Beca is trying to anchor herself. Chloe knows that she’ll have to pull back for air soon, but she’s scared that as soon as they stop the dream will be shattered, so she tells her lungs to suck it up and pushes her lips harder against Beca’s.
Beca is the one to pull back, her head pressing against the cushions beneath her to gain some distance between Chloe’s lips and her own, chest heaving as she tries to steady her breathing. Chloe is panting too, but instead of taking the time to breathe probably she begins pressing lights kisses to Beca’s neck, unwilling to part from Beca quite yet.
Beca’s breathing starts to even out and she lets out little sighs of contentment at Chloe’s ministrations, hands stroking softly through Chloe’s hair. Eventually Chloe’s lips stop moving and she relaxes her body fully on top of Beca’s, enjoying the closeness as she buries her face into the crook of Beca’s neck.
The hands in Chloe’s hair move until they’re running lightly over her back instead and Chloe resists the urge to shiver. She remains quiet, not wanting to shatter the calm that surrounds them. Beca says no words either, and that is the way they remain, tangled up on their shitty couch in their shitty New York apartment until they fall asleep.
* * *
The next morning, Chloe wakes up still entangled with Beca. Beca is still asleep – which doesn’t surprise Chloe, she’s always been the earlier riser between the two of them – so Chloe carefully climbs off Beca and makes her way to the kitchen to make some coffee.
Beca wakes up with a grunt just as the coffee finishes brewing, and Chloe smiles a little at the familiar action as she pours coffee into two mugs, settling down in one of the chairs at their tiny kitchen table.
“Morning, Bec,” Chloe says once Beca is sitting up and looking a little more alive.
Beca grunts again in response and shuffles over to the table, plopping herself down across from Chloe and reaching for the second mug of coffee. She takes a generous sip and curses when it burns her tongue, and Chloe can’t help but chuckle in response.
It’s a few minutes later when Beca is finally awake enough to form actual sentences, and what she says makes Chloe choke on hot coffee.
“So what was last night about?”
Chloe coughs as she tries to clear the liquid from her throat. Beca winces in sympathy. Chloe uses the choking as an excuse to find her words, because she honestly had not expected Beca to confront her about their impromptu make out session.
“Um, I don’t know,” Chloe says hesitantly after a minute. “I was just drunk, I guess.”
It’s a lame excuse. A terrible excuse, in fact.
“Oh,” is all Beca says.
“What about you?” Chloe questions, turning the question on Beca. “You kissed me back.”
Beca shrugs and avoids eye contact with Chloe. “I’m not sure. Like you said, we were drunk.”
Disappointment fills Chloe as Beca opts for the easy cop-out as well. “Right,” she says, looking down at her coffee. “Just a drunken mistake. Nothing more than that.”
And in that moment, Chloe feels those burning embers within her completely die out for good.
* * * * * *
Falling in love with Chloe Beale isn’t something that Beca expected upon their first kiss, and she would be lying if she said she wasn’t surprised.
Because Chloe has been Beca’s best friend ever since her first year at Barden, even if she tried to downplay just how close they were a lot of the time. She didn’t want to say that she saw Chloe as a sister, because there would be a lot to unpack there if that were the case, but Beca definitely never thought of Chloe in a romantic sort of way at all.
Sure, Chloe was kind and thoughtful and always knew just how to make Beca’s day better. She was always there when Beca needed someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on, or just a good hug because she’d had a shitty day. And Chloe really did give the best hugs, and Beca always felt so at home in her arms, especially when they were cuddled up together after falling asleep while working on Bellas stuff or homework or just talking until they could barely keep their eyes open. Plus, Chloe has always just understood Beca in a way that nobody else ever has…
Shit. Had Beca been in love with Chloe the whole time?
The realization that Beca had possibly been in love with Chloe for years causes Beca to pull away from the kiss that had grown decidedly more heated than any friendly kiss should ever grow. Her chest heaves as she struggles to catch her breath, both overwhelmed with the passion of the kiss and the way her thoughts have attacked her in such a sudden onslaught. Chloe moves to kiss her neck, seemingly undeterred by Beca’s withdrawal, and Beca is torn for a moment between pushing her away and pulling her closer before ultimately deciding to do neither.
Beca remains silent – save for the involuntary whimpers and sighs that escape her due to Chloe’s lips moving against her body – as she processes her new emotions. Eventually Chloe stops her ministrations and settles her weight against Beca, and Beca waits for the inevitable moment that Chloe pulls away and makes them talk about what just happened.
Except, that moment never comes. Chloe only burrows herself deeper into Beca, apparently content to remain silent for the remainder of the night.
Which she does- which they both do, actually. Chloe falls asleep soon after, leaving Beca to stare at the ceiling in the dark of their apartment and wonder how her heart is still beating so fast in her chest.
* * *
Beca holds off her curiosity about the whole thing the next morning for as long as she can, but ultimately ends up caving only about half an hour after waking up.
“So… what was last night about?” Beca attempts to sound casual, but is painfully aware of how much she’s failing.
She asks the question right as coffee goes down the wrong pipe in Chloe’s throat, causing her to start coughing for a few moments. Beca winces and internally curses her poor timing.
“Um, I don’t know,” Chloe says once she can speak again. “I was just drunk, I guess.”
Beca’s heart sinks. Of course it was because they were drunk, why else would Chloe have kissed her?
“Oh,” Beca says lamely.
“What about you?” Chloe asks suddenly, glancing at Beca. “You kissed me back.”
Panic fills Beca at the question, so she tries for an indifferent shrug and stares into her coffee. “I’m not sure. Like you said, we were drunk.”
Out of the corner of her eye, Beca thinks that Chloe’s shoulders might slump a little. “Right,” she says softly. “Just a drunken mistake. Nothing more than that.”
Beca looks back up at Chloe only to see that Chloe’s eyes are directed down towards her drink. The sun shining in through their apartment's sole window shines over Chloe, bathing her in golden light. Beca’s heart pounds painfully in her chest at the sight and fuck- right there in that moment she feels herself fall hard.
* * *
Being in love with your best friend is difficult, Beca has decided. On top of that, being in love with your best friend and living with them and sharing a bed made it all that much worse. Beca wouldn’t ever wish it upon her worst enemy.
Beca wishes things could go back to the way they were before, when neither of them were secretly in love with the other, and when Beca’s heart didn’t feel like it would burst out of her chest when Chloe came home from work in the evenings, and when Beca felt like she could tell her best friend anything.
Beca wishes she wasn’t in love with Chloe.
But the thing is, Chloe makes it so easy to be in love with her.
It’s in the little things that Chloe does. Like the way she always makes coffee for Beca in the morning, even though Beca has two perfectly good hands and could make it herself. Like how she’s always willing to give Beca a back massage after a long day of Beca hunched over a soundboard or computer for work. Like the way she doesn’t seem to mind Beca’s frequent awkwardness in most aspects of life, telling Beca that it’s ‘endearing’ to her.
Which Beca thinks is unfair because every single little thing that Chloe does is endearing to Beca. Chloe makes Beca feel like the most loved person in the world without trying. It’s the way she says things like:
“You’re my favorite person in the world.”
“I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life, Bec.”
“I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.”
Beca has never had someone that is such a stable in her life like Chloe is. Beca never has to worry about if Chloe has her back, or if she can trust her, or if she’s someone Beca can count on because Chloe has done nothing but be dependable in the six years they’ve known each other.
And while Beca would like to tell Chloe how she feels about her, she can’t. She can’t tell Chloe and risk losing the singular best thing that she has ever had in her life.
* * *
Beca doesn’t know who this Chicago guy is, but she does know that she hates him.
She doesn’t know why exactly she hates him- actually, no, scratch that because Beca actually has many reasons why she hates him. At the very of top of that list is the way Chloe can’t seem to get enough of him.
From the very first moment Chicago stepped into view and introduced himself, he had Chloe following him around like a little puppy. Beca had tried to keep up with them at first, trailing uselessly along Chloe’s side, attempting to jump into their conversation every now and then, but ultimately decided that it was no use.
Chloe was hooked on this guy, which meant that Beca’s presence when she was around him was obsolete.
Beca didn’t like it.
For years now, Beca has been used to being Chloe’s favorite person in any given situation. She’s gotten used to (and fond of) the way Chloe clings onto her in some sort of way when they’re together- holding her hand, looping their arms together, hugging her waist from behind. Except now Chicago is the one on the receiving end of Chloe’s physical affections. Chloe is always pushing his shoulder playfully, or brushing a hand down his arm, tugging on his hand; any excuse to just touch him, it seems.
Beca feels colder than she has in a long time without Chloe’s presence near her.
And Beca has never been one for physical affection. Physical touch is decidedly not one of her love languages. Beca has always been more of a quality time type of person, where no contact or words are necessarily needed for her to feel close to someone, but now that Chloe has stopped directing all her touchiness towards Beca, she realizes just how much she craves that connection with Chloe.
Throughout the course of the entire USO tour, Beca begins to feel like Chloe is pulling away from them- whatever them is. Beca has never felt so much distance between them, both physically and emotionally. The whole situation is rapidly spiraling out of Beca’s control and she has no idea what to do about it.
So Beca decides that she’s going to tell Chloe how she feels. She’s already losing Chloe as it is, so she might as well say fuck it and go all out.
Beca dedicates her final performance to Chloe, even if she never actually tells anyone she’s doing so. She thinks she makes it pretty obvious, though, what with the way she doesn’t take her eyes off of Chloe for the entire first half of the performance before inviting the rest of the Bellas onstage. Their eyes connect and Beca smiles from the stage, thinking that maybe there is a chance that Chloe feels the same way.
When all the Bellas rush to hug her at the end of their performance, Chloe the first one to do so, Beca has to resist the urge to kiss her right there onstage in front of everyone. Beca doesn’t want to rush this, she wants to do it right.
As soon as Beca is able to break away from all the ‘important’ people she needs to talk to afterwards, she starts rushing around to find Chloe. Her thoughts start spinning in her head as she tries to figure out what exactly she’s going to say.
You’re the greatest thing in my life.
I’ve never wanted to be with someone as much as I want to be with you.
I love you, Chloe. I love you I love you I-
Beca finds Chloe.
Chloe is kissing Chicago, looking happier than Beca has ever seen her before.
Suddenly Beca understands exactly what people mean when they say their heart has been broken.
Because she feels it happening to her right now.
* * *
The silence between Beca and Chloe in the car is uncomfortable, which is how all their silences have been since returning home from the USO tour.
It’s an unfamiliar feeling, having uncomfortable silences with Chloe. Pretty much since the first time they hung out, they have always been comfortable around each other. Part of that is because Chloe is a natural at interacting with people and makes conversation easily, but even when they weren’t even talking things were always easy with them.
The silence between them now feels like it’s trying to choke Beca.
Arriving at the airport feels almost like a blessing to Beca, because it means that they don’t have to endure the tension any longer, but it is also most definitely a curse as well.
Because arriving at the airport means that Beca is leaving for LA soon. It means that she is leaving Chloe soon.
They walk through the airport until they get to security, making small talk along the way. Beca stays mostly quiet, though, internally debating with herself the entire way. Because she is quite literally running out of time and now is her last chance to tell Chloe how she feels, but she knows that Chloe is with Chicago now and it would be unfair to dump all of her feelings on Chloe before she jets off to the other side of the country.
And Beca is afraid. Afraid of losing Chloe, afraid of telling Chloe how she feels, afraid of never telling Chloe how she feels.
But Beca figures it’s now or never.
“I have to ask, Chloe. Did you… do you think we ever could have been something together? Something more than friends, I mean,” Beca says quietly, uncertainly. She swallows before adding, “Do you think we could have loved each other?”
Chloe smiles softly and gently laces her fingers with Beca’s. She leans forward and brushes a kiss against Beca’s cheek, and Beca’s eyes instinctively close at the feeling. “Beca, I think you I both know that we loved each other. We just… never seemed to get the timing right is all.”
Beca’s breath hitches at the words. Chloe smile turns a little sad and she squeezes Beca’s fingers once before letting go.
The speakers above them inform Beca that her flight is ready to board, so Beca grips her suitcase handle and prepares herself to walk away.
“I love you,” Beca tells Chloe before she can lose the nerve. “I think I’ll always love you.”
Some expression flashes on Chloe’s face – regret, sadness, clarity, maybe – but it passes too quickly for Beca to tell exactly what it is. “And I think a part of me will always love you, Bec.”
And somehow that’s all they say before Beca is turning around and walking through the gate of her flight, all of her senses feeling completely numb. She wills herself to turn back and rush towards Chloe; to kiss her, to tell her that she can’t go to LA, to tell her that she can’t live without Chloe in her life. She wills Chloe to call out to her and tell her to stay, tell her that she loves her, to give Beca a reason to stay.
Beca doesn’t turn back, and Chloe doesn’t call out.
And maybe that is the most unexpected thing of all.
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astrologysvt · 4 years
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SVT as Boyfriends - Vernon
Happy Birthday Nonie~ 🎉 You confuse me constantly and that makes me want to baby you 💛
anonymous asked: im not sure if u do these kinds of posts so feel free to ignore if u don’t but can i request vernon as a bf according to his chart? i love ur blog! 💗
this reading is more geared towards their habits in relationships and romance! i did end up talking a little about intimacy. i’m not putting any kind of nsfw warning because this is extremely pg and it’s honestly a gigantic stretch to even categorize it as that. but if that’s something you’re incredibly averse to i wanted to be sure to say it here so you can skip this reading if that’s the case~ also, i ended up using “you” generally because writing “s/o” was getting tiring. 
so his chart really strongly indicates that he’s very independent and thrives when he’s allowed to be a free spirit. 
but there’s also a part of him that is deeply committed through that cap venus.
super reliable boyfriend, and that’s also in due part to his scorpio moon. 
he would drop absolutely everything if you needed him.
he is super super protective and will absolutely throw hands if someone were to say anything negative about you. 
even with a moon trine mars that makes him slow to anger, his principals are so strong through his aqua placements, scorpio moon, and cap venus that he would absolutely not stand for it. 
this would be one of the few times he could justify resorting to anger, and while he may not attempt to hunt the offender down, you will definitely notice a dramatic change in demeanor as he rarely ever lets this side show.
and then when you take that sense of being protective and pair it with his cap influence, he really likes taking care of you. 
he’s very competent in that regard, and he shows this in practical ways like getting you lunch, giving advice, maybe offering to help with work. things like that. 
this also makes him very receptive for when you return the favor! like when woozi prepared a meal for him that one time when they were overseas, you could see how touched he was by the gesture and the thoughtfulness behind it.  
he’s also very emotionally intuitive thanks to that scorpio moon and pisces mars. 
he’s super observant and would get really really good at reading you over time.
may not express his support in so many words thanks to his moon square mercury making him pretty awkward with it -- this placement makes it hard for his aqua moon to convey how feeling/intuitive he is -- but he will certainly let you know he is there if you need him.
i also find scorpio placements don’t really put their feelings in so many words.
even with an emphasis on intellect with an aqua sun and mercury, he’s bound to not be the quickest to shower you in verbal love/appreciation and is more willing to let his actions speak for himself. 
if he’s going to say anything, it’s going to be sincere and straight to the point. 
and what’s interesting is that he’s got this scorpio moon, so i can imagine him actually being a pretty possessive boyfriend regardless of how chill he is normally.
BUT I DO WANNA MAKE IT CLEAR that that doesn’t necessarily mean he’d be a restrictive boyfriend either. 
especially with those cap/scorpio/aqua influences that would really respect someone who was their own person and didn’t apologize for that. tbh i think the last thing he’d wanna do is restrict that. 
i think well developed scorpio placements honestly just like having proof that you are committed and most certainly their s/o.
would probably say things like “that’s my ____” just to assert this fact very casually, affectionately, even playfully.
really honestly just likes knowing and being reminded that you’re his, may it be through gestures or physical proof (you wearing his clothes, promise rings, you going out of your way to do something for him, hickeys.)
his moon sextile venus makes him very romantic and affectionate. 
he feels a lot of love and is very emotionally invested in his partner in this very protective scorpio manner, and thanks to its relationship to venus he goes about expressing this love in very practical yet classy ways.
he has a tendency to randomly do the most thoughtful romantic gestures. 
he does have this free spirit that’s pretty easily distracted so it may not be the most obvious or well planned gestures. 
but it’d be things like. if he’s out and sees something that reminds him of you he’ll bring it home, may it be flowers or your favorite food. 
it’s interesting because, as out-there as he is himself, he really craves a sense of predictability in relationships.
this cap brings a sense of tradition and loves the idea of stable, long-term relationships. 
he’d bring a strong sense of reliability and practicality to relationships. 
he’s very dedicated but simultaneously very levelheaded and realistic with you. 
scorpio moon can give him a bit of a jealous streak. 
but i’ll say it again: that may not be as bad as it sounds if his emotional control is good. which IT IS thanks to his moon trine mars.
his moon trine mars means these feelings never result to actual anger or action. he’ll let you know his comfort levels, but it’s highly unlikely he’d act out negatively due to feelings of jealousy.
he may just get a little extra handsy, affectionate, or may ask for reassurance! 
tho i do think it’s interesting to note he may not normally be the most physically affectionate guy. 
he has such airy placements that he isn’t going to subconsciously reach out without noticing if that makes sense. 
if he’s reaching out himself, it’s probably very intentional and more than likely with the intention to show support or as little random “i love yous” throughout the day. 
as i said before, he’s rather awkward with putting these things into words so body language may be a huge factor in communicating with him in relationships which makes him pretty purposeful with it as well. 
this kinda loops back in to how much of a lone wolf he is sometimes -- not that he doesn’t like affection, it’s just not in his instinctual wiring as he’s pretty solitary in that brain of his. 
his well aspected moon and pisces mars, however, makes it very easy for him to accept affection and makes him pretty physical expressive.
he may need space every now again, but will probably very easily let you know when that is (may it be verbally or through body language) and is open to however cuddly you wanna be the rest of the time.
his pisces mars makes him a very sensitive and emotional boyfriend, especially in relationship to intimacy.
i think it’s important to mention because he has this very airy, independent, almost detached attitude about him on the surface. 
you really do get the sense that he’s on another planet, or that he could potentially be OVERLY practical, logical, and not easily perturbed by emotion -- but that is absolutely not the case behind closed doors. 
lol okay maybe he’s still on another planet, but he isn’t removed/indifferent. rather he’s very attentive and sincere. 
this is where he kind of loses his sense of practicality and can be pretty all-giving and obsessive. 
pisces influence on the part of mars means he takes physical relationships very seriously and sees it as a non-verbal expression of love and intention. 
he also has a very subtle, gentle, traditional way of approaching intimacy.
it’s genuinely an experience sharing that part of himself with someone, and it’d be in those moments that you would truly understand the full extent of his feelings. 
not only that, but he’s very emotionally sensitive in this regard.
allowing someone in to that degree can actually be a very daunting experience for him. 
not necessarily if it were a merely physical relationship without the romantic/intimate association, but knowing that there is is this devotion involved makes the concept of allowing someone to see and understand the depth of this side to him a really hard thing to wrap his head around.
this is heightened by that cap venus that doesn’t take to commitment lightly. 
with a pisces influence there is kind of a switch they have with regard to emotionally packed situations -- they’re either detached out of risk of those feelings becoming all-consuming, or extremely feeling and potentially open to this all-consuming aspect and to them that is an extremely vulnerable feeling especially with another person involved.
and so for him to go into those romantic situations and decide to be open and sensitive, that can be a really overwhelming thing especially with so many placements that value individuality and composure. 
ESPECIALLY with a scorpio moon which is already an incredibly intense placement to have, there’s a great deal of investment that’s kind of hard for him to face head-on and this is honestly because he can hardly fathom these depths himself. 
and then you throw in this super airy influence through his aqua and this intensity within him may fly completely under the radar until he’s forced to face it.
it IS important to note that his moon trine mars both kind of heighten the intensity of these situations, while also giving him better tools to process them. 
his scorpio moon also means that he’s really fascinated with these feelings even though they’re very daunting. 
it can be “scary” but he isn’t particularly deterred if he trusts you because of how all-in scorpio placements can be as they love the concept of delving past the point of no return. 
if he’s at that point where he’s so deeply committed, his scorpio is going to give him the confidence to take that step. 
but because this part of him is so emotionally sensitive and reactive, he may retreat every now and then. 
it is important not to interpret this as indifference/distance, often times he doesn’t know exactly who he wants to be some days and so you kinda gotta be okay with the unexpected. 
this is simply because he gets overwhelmed and needs space, otherwise it just feels like he’s staring into the sun non-stop. 
but if you learn how to read him, his energies, his body language/rhythm, you’ll understand how big and bleeding his heart is and how he expresses this, even when he’s not 100% there.
lololol all of this sounds SO DRAMATIC. 
it’s funny writing this because vernon has such an air forward chart. 
I wouldn’t be surprised if, for some WILD reason, he read this reading and thought this was a dramatic description as well. 
he really is his own person and i imagine this reading feels super left of field and honestly that’s because it IS. 
a lot of his chart is pretty hard to pin-down and generally more focused on developing the self than depending on external forces like relationships, and so it’d take a lot for him to get to this point.
you can tell even now it’s hard to imagine what he’d be like in a relationship he’s so singular, and i imagine even his members know there is a bit of a wall despite how much an open book he is.
i really think that it’d take the right person for him to place such a strong importance on emotion in order to make this reading super relevant to him. 
his aqua and cap are pretty hard to convince and are logical/intellectual enough that it’s often hard for those placements to surrender that mental control over to emotion/the intangible. 
and so I don’t imagine this is a part of his chart that he would fully be aware of until he’s in an incredibly committed relationship and these placements are tested by being forced to accommodate someone else so intimately. 
because otherwise he’s his own unit. these parts aren’t scary to him by himself, but they’re naturally very private so sharing these aspects is what switches things up. 
generally he’s a very thoughtful boyfriend! 
his weird habits are going to stay intact because of how independent he is and, if his chart is really well developed, he’d never let his individuality be compromised by a relationship. 
tho i will not lie, a scorpio moon and pisces mars may put him at risk of losing himself a bit as that scorpio moon has a tendency towards obsession, while that pisces mars can really easily get absorbed and lost in the case of love. 
but with that being said, i think his aqua and cap are so established in his chart through his work and personal values that i don’t think he is in any actual danger.   
so back to my main point. 
he has such a strong understanding of himself and his life/goals through that aqua/cap, but there is so much in his chart that is really eager to bring someone into that. 
he’s def the type of guy that makes it hard to fathom how committed he could possibly be on the surface, but once the relationship deepens, it gets clearer and clearer how romantic and devoted he is. 
and also how simple and straight forward he actually is about these things, which in a way adds to the romance and earnestness. 
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ethod-reo · 6 years
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Zutara week day 2 (and 1..)
Well, while i totally forgot to post for the first day, i did write for the two prompts. So here is a link to the ff.net version of this. And here, second prompt. Which consists of letters exclusively because i liked it x) (if you want the first one, it’s on ff.net sorry about that)
@zutaraweek
Zutara week 2018 day two- Letters
“Dear Zuko,
This is the first letter I attempted to write since Aang and I left after the coronation. I cannot tell you how sorry I am for not writing sooner. We just kept travelling and travelling, you won’t imagine the lengths I had to go to in order to keep Aang still for more than two days. I have not much to say, I am roaming the earth, but as fantastic as it has been, I must confess that I miss the comfort of one place. I think it will ease with time. How are thing back in the Fire nation?  I hope you are not frightening too much your poor servants.
With love,
Katara”
“Dear Katara,
Your letter surprised me, but I did miss having a friend to talk to, even through letters. As you must know, Sokka and Suki retuned to the Southern Water Tribe a few days after your own departure. He lacks a certain talent in redaction, but he did make the effort to announce me his engagement to Suki. Although their wedding should not be officiated until at least next spring. But I am guessing that you are already planning a visit soon.
You should not worry too much about your seeming aversion to the nomad lifestyle, I am positively certain that it will grow on you. And my servants are perfectly happy thank you very much.
With love,
Zuko”
“Dear Zuko,
You mean Sokka wrote you before I did? What a terrible friend I must be if even my brother is more on point than I am… I heard about the engagement, but it slipped my mind to ask Aang for a detour, I shall do so soon. I hope I would get to see you before the wedding, it’s already been almost a year and I think I am actually missing you.
With love,
Katara”
“Dear Katara,
Sokka being the man that he is, he did not write me more than two letters, I think you don’t have to worry about him looking more devoted than you. I am sure Aang wouldn’t mind, you two are now free as the wind, right?
Last but not least, you are missing me? I never lived to think such a thing possible. Does this mean that I have earned your liking? It wasn’t that hard, a little lighting here and there did the trick.
With love,
Zuko”
“Dear Zuko,
I am not in the best mood to answer you, but I didn’t want to risk a greater delay due to my travels. Aang did mind, he planned some travels during this autumn and because of the celebrations that took place during this time, he wouldn’t hear anything. I don’t think that he realizes how childish he’s acting, you must know that past a certain date, the poles are unreachable, as the weather allies with the absent sun, to make any travel impossible. I feel exhausted after all the flying he did. Can you believe that I haven’t bended any water in days? I’m sorry for letting my emotions take control, I could use a vacation. How is the Fire nation at this time of the year?
Of course you earned my liking you Firefool, but when did I earn yours?
With love,
Katara”
“Dear Katara,
If you were suggesting a vacation in my humble country, I will be most happy to provide you living quarters, for as long as you wish. This applies to Aang as well. I can’t really comment on your couple issues, as you might have noticed, I am not the greatest expert in that field. But I do think that you should bend daily, it is not a luxury it is a necessity. Aang might not understand this, being surrounded by his element at all times, but water to a waterbender is as vital as sun to the firebender.
And if I can be blunt, I must confess that you earned my liking long ago, in a crystal-lighted cave, this was followed by one of the greatest mistakes that I ever made, as you know.
With love,
Zuko”
“Dear Zuko,
I was delighted during every second of my stay at the palace, I just regret having to leave so soon. I might ask Aang to leave me there alone for a little while, so he’ll be able to travel to his liking. Your palace seems well-managed. I don’t know what to say, I feel as if I only left you yesterday. I deeply missed the food, and the coast is so beautiful at sunset! You live in a haven that I envy. You know what? I will stay longer. Aang is facing dreadful meetings with the Earth ministers and I always hated this forsaken city that is Ba Sing Se. This letter should arrive a few days before me.
Perhaps I should also tell you that you don’t have to carry that cross no more, I have forgiven you a long time ago and you repaid me in more ways that I thought possible.
With love,
Katara”
“Katara.
I think there are some things we have to discuss. You know how happy I was to see you again a fortnight ago. And as much as I appreciate your presence, I believe you would agree that our last meeting did not end in the most fashionable way. What happened the night before was greatly influenced by the Fire whiskey as I am sure that you acknowledge. I am simply hurt by you sudden departure, in a boat of all things! I will have to face Aang and explain him why his girlfriend ran away. I do not like to lie to my friend, but I think I have no other choice for now. In order to protect your relationship and my crown.
I don’t know how to appropriately greet you anymore,
Zuko”
“Dear Zuko,
Do you think that your façade fools me? I see through your walls, you know as well as I do that the events previously discussed were displayed by two sober persons. And as much as I regret the pain that this will cause Aang, I can’t hide it either. I know you, I see what you try to hide behind your stiff words and outraged sentences. I am sorry, sorry that I didn’t realize sooner what I felt. I still don’t know. But I know that Aang did not so much as cross my mind during the two weeks that I spend with you. And I know what I felt when Mai appeared in front of you. I did not have my full senses that night, but if they were blurred by something, it was not Fire whiskey.
Katara”
“Katara,
You are so talented at piercing through my shields and even now I can’t be certain of what hides behind yours. In regard of this, you can see the following words as the desperate prayer of a long-lost man.
I can’t express my feelings very well. Karata, dearest Katara for dearest you’ll always be, I can’t feign my indifference any longer. Since a day that I can’t quite identify, you have held a particular spot in my heart. I never wished to act upon it, I did not wish for anything other than your happiness. And I was convinced that Aang was the best of the persons that could suit you. As I wrote to you, I started to feel guilty, wasn’t I betraying my friend? Not that I had any misplaced intentions, still, I couldn’t help but doubt my heart, too weak and too smitten maybe, to be reliable. I was confident in my own restrain though, during your stay here, I was convinced that nothing could go wrong. But you did not make things easier for me and I must now confess what I have dreaded for so long, how I am simply and desperately in love with you.
Zuko”
“Zuko,
I am sorry, so sorry, for putting you through all of this. I did not clearly see myself until the days that you know. I won’t lose myself in long declarations as you did. I could express my feeling with better accuracy, were they not so powerful. I shall see you soon, and then, I hope we will not have to part anymore.
With love,
Katara”
“Dear Katara,
As I am writing this letter, I know that you are sleeping in your room. You will probably receive this in the morning, I will be in my study. I should have chosen a more special way to do it, I know, but letters helped us get where we are now, which is why I ask you know, without further ado, will you, Katara of the Southern Water Tribe, do me the honour of becoming my wife?
With love,
Zuko”
“You might think that such a trick you keep you from facing my father, if so, you are mistaken.
Expect some shouts from Sokka, but I think the rest will go just fine.
Surely you must know what my answer is, as you know that I could not stop loving you, should the world go up in flames.”
Yes this is full of fluff, i have no shame. i hope you enjoyed it though! The formal language was a bit special i know but it was really fun to write
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miniqued-blog · 5 years
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Brief intro to a story
Well, this is Miniqued/Poscha again. Hmm I don't know what to start with, actually. Have no idea. Well I've written above in description, I guess, that this blog is for writing some stuff in English. Just some stuff, not a big deal, like fics or just random writing. Maybe some critical stuff, though I don't really know how to write anything critical. Let's consider this is just for myself, nothing more. I'm not really good at writing, though i like writing and most of my unfinished stories are about a fictional world and some characters in it. Worlds and storylines may vary but some main traits of characters remain unchanged. This is the first time i've tried to write in English so please don't be harsh on me. I have a lot of flaws I guess in writing. I definitely do have. Huh, but let's give it a try anyway. And when writing I like to take notes describing the reasons and emotions behind characters main motives, what actually drives them and so on. I think I will post that kind of stuff too as I will go further. Cause I kinda like it. My main story now I think is about a character named Suol. She is a young girl who has been raised in Savagoy previously having lived in Ronnia, another country. Savagoy is situated in the South of this story world while Ronnia is in the north-west side. Suol is approximately 18-19 years old when the whole story starts. She is cold, considered beautiful by others, incredulous and somehow restrained. She is a typical ronnian girl and seems a bit like a foreign body in savagoian society because of her appearance and personality. She is not outgoing and sociable as other southerners or her friends. Suol has a rather painful background, she doesn't trust others and is a little suspicious of them. When story begins she meets ronnian acquintances from her childhood days. One of them, Alvin Ronn, is trying to achieve his goals in Savagoy and lures Nario Arvi to Ronnia escaping with his girlfriend. Suol goes after them being sent by her guardians. Ilaf Arvi wants her to infiltrate Alvin's surroundings becoming his subordinates. Suol achieves it and starts sending data about his actions to Savagoy and other groups. Alvin is fully aware of it, but keeps Suol in his surrounding in order to be in control of the situation. Suol is the main narrator of the story and we see actions of others through her eyes and perception. She has some distant feelings for both Alvin and his father Ilaf Arvi who uses her in his plan. In the end she chooses the side of Alvin, but eventually left behind by him for previously lying to him. She tryes to analyze her feelings and emotions only to find out that she is empty and doesn't have any sort of will except for revenge. She manages to avenge her mother's death after which she was sent to live in Savagoy. She kills lord Lucian Ronn in a bloody fight alongside Manirela Ronn. The reason why she is a main character is her complicated path and relationships with others. She knows both savagoian and ronnian cultures and people in both societies. She belonged to neither of them at birth, but was raised in both places. She tries to avenge her mother, but is used for completely different purposes by other people. She knows very well what kind of purposes for, though she agrees to plans of Ilaf Arvi and goes to Ronnia again. After her mother's death she was bullied by ronnian kids who saw a target and a victim in her. Suol is not ravaged by injustice of the world around her, but has a goal of bringing justice. The one who is ravaged is Alvin, the opposite of hers in every aspect. Al is an antihero, hero-lover and romantic hero too. He is more callous and mature than Nario, full of hatred and cruelty, not without honor and manifestations of kindness, humanity. His initial humanity is the starting point for all his atrocities for his far-reaching goals he will do anything. Like Taniru, Nario's ex-girlfriend, he is physically attractive and handsome, has a surprisingly beautiful appearance, but is rotten from the inside, has the worst intentions and is unprincipledly cruel. He is also emotional and furious like Nario, but he is more restrained and knows how to manage his emotions for the sake of his goals. Alvin is perceptive, cunning, treacherous and clever in the implementation of his plans. He sometimes uses the most extreme methods. Callous and flawed, he is more sensual and extremely cruel with enemies, but not without sincere mercy. He understands the cold and cruel world of Ronnia and is ready to do for anything to change it. Emotions overwhelm him, but he hides them under the guise of cruelty, and when he can no longer bear them, he goes beyond rationality, obeying only his blind hatred and the bitter accumulation of injustice. Then he is emptied of all his gnawing emotions and unconsciously seeks solace from the one who saw no less than him. In contrast to the sensual attraction to Taniru, Al is looking for a spiritual comrade in Suol. He is frank with her and understands that only with her can he afford to frantically open up. He understands that he was only aware of his dark feelings of resentment and anger, and was guided only by them, by his hatred and perverted love for his father, his aversion to the true nature of Taniru and carnal attraction to her body, contempt for his own mother and inexpressible and carefully concealed love for her, which was combined with bitter regret for her unfulfilled fate and female misfortune, user-related attitude to Suol and long-standing bright feelings for her that have not faded away in him over the years from their childhood. He gives the impression of a person who has long lost hope or knows that hope never existed. Disappointed in the world, he began to do what he wanted, by any means and at any cost. And the price turns out to be what actually constituted the whole meaning of his life, and he destroyed it with his own hands, arrogantly believing that he could do without them, but then comes the quite predictable devastation. The relationship between Suol and Alvin is intertwined with past feelings, obstacles in the faces of the others around them, mutual attraction, sympathy, some sort of growing confidence and at the same time wariness. Suol tries to hide in shadows while achieving her goals, Alvin does everything blatantly and in public. In the end it's clear that they had the same goal - destroying the toxic world of Ronnia. They leave Ronnia together after having done everything to ruin it. Suol kills Lucian Ronn, the one who was actually in power, and after his death the chaos becomes uncontrollable leading to destruction. Alvin puts Ronnia in a war using cover in the face of Kaleian forces and leaves Manirela without any control while she is about to die from injuries inflicted by Suol letting her demolish the whole city. Alvin silently watches his mother die apathetic to her pleas. His cruelty is unreasonable, but he never had love for his own mother and becomes indifferent to her eventual fate. Because Manirela has never tried to love him or has never seen him as her child instead hating him for being born to the world where she wasn't loved by his father, Ilaf Arvi. Manirela was failure of a mother putting fury and rage in Alvin since birth for being nothing to his own parents. Alvin suffers from being raised loveless, he tries to attract Ilaf Arvi's attention by any means, but eventually fails facing his negligence. He thinks the roots of his father's indifference is in him, in Alvin, but soon realizes that all his attempts was worthless and he has spent so much time for nothing. He becomes just as apathetic to the world as his father and decides to leave his country behind alongside Suol, who has suffered from greater injustice than him, having been brought to Ronnia from another place by her foster mother only to be severely bullied and abused after her parent figure's death. Suol was abused and beaten by her mother, Kassien, on a regular basis and Alvin knew about it as a child. Another person standing between Suol and Alvin is Taniru who escapes with the latter only to be disappointed with the life in Ronnia. Taniru is careless, attractive and thoughtless, she is fed up with her rather tedious and not really evolving relationships with her boyfriend Nario. She sees nothing new in their bond and easily seduced by the promising intercourse with Alvin Ronn, a ronnian prince. She faces unexpected consequences from her relations with him. She and Alvin are banished from the royal palace for the latter bringing his concubine which was deeply offensive to the Ronn family members some of which were born from a concubine of the previous king. Al has no intention of marrying Taniru and soon their life together becomes marred with sin as Al finds out that Taniru is actually his half-sister. He is disgusted with this revelation but keeps her in Ronnia till he achieves want he wants. Taniru reveals afterwards that she is pregnant and situation worsens even further. She doesn't know about her being an illegitimate child of Ilaf Arvi and is jealous when Alvin leaves her behind going to the war with Suol. Taniru secretly harbours suspicions about her mothers's relationship with Ilaf Arvi and an untimely death of her father who was always jealous of her mother. She comes to not comforting conclusion that she might be Nario's and Alvin's sister torn by remorse and fear. She remembers that she was the one who involuntarily killed her father(the one she thought was her father) after he beat her mother for infidelity. The mask of a carefree, obtuse and naive person gradually fades away as she finds herself torn with fear and uncertainty of the future. She is still egocentric though, despite the fact that she is left behind by the one who only thought to use her against Nario. She tardily demands attention from Alvin who already becomes cold towards her. Taniru kills Suol after the latter tried to save her thinking that Suol is the source of her misery for she won Alvin away from her despite the fact that Alvin and Suol never really had any love affair. Alvin leaves Taniru unconcious of their incest and destroys all life forces of immortal Nario who also knew about their blood relations but kept loving her no matter what. Alvin sees that Nario is the one of the people who personally loved him but fails to understand it in time. It was as if Nario loved all of them instead of their indifferent father. Alvin fails to catch up to a person who was compassionate to him and to his fate. Who cared about him despite Alvin's hatred for him. Nario becomes a martyr Alvin didn't deserve for he has done only callous things to him. And Taniru also realizes too late that she is likely to never see Nario again before she leaves Ronnia. But she comes back to the death field to see a beaten Nario who lost everything. Alvin only then reveals that they both are her brothers. Alvin and Taniru didn't deserve Nario but he is gone now because of their egoistic actions. Suol is gone too, but Alvin brings her back to life with his abilities nearing those of a god. Taniru and Alvin are examples of how feelings of someone can be immature and utterly selfish. They never loved each other, they only needed what was represented through each other. Alvin wanted to enrage Nario by seducing his beautiful, but thoughtless girlfriend. Taniru wanted to marry a more promising party in the face of a more passionate and handsome Alvin. They both wore a mask of someone they weren't. They were liars, and the ones they tried to deceive were themselves. Opposite to them, Suol and Nario were of a much more modest opinion of themselves, sacrifacing some part of them for others. Both of them were somehow destroyed in a clash. But Alvin realizing his true feelings through the example of Nario brings her back to life as only he is able to do it. Alvin perfectly knows that he was born as a part of an experiment to see what kind of a person would be born as a result of an affair between Ronn and Arvi, Manirela and Ilaf. His parents failed to understand each other, though they did love each other, dooming Alvin to live in disgrace of being born half-breed. Taniru was somehow right suspecting infidelity just as her late father, dying from jealousy and thinking that Alvin and Suol had an affair. If they ever wanted to have an affair they just never happened to express it. Alvin knew the true nature of Suol's agenda, Ilaf Arvi's plans to distract him through her presence and her spying on him. He literally lets her do it, though he is not particularly happy about it. Alvin is aware that letting her do what she actually does will eventually benefit him. He knows very well that deep down Suol would choose him over others as it really happens when she betrays Ilaf Arvi and Manirela Ronn whom she previously worked for and helps Alvin get free. But Alvin leaves her though going to conquer the capital city on his own. Suol becomes alone and empty and goes to living in a former house of her mother, about whom Manirela told that she was very abusive towards Suol revealing that Kassien struggled all her childhood before she fled to Ronnia with lord Lucian Ronn escaping a miserable fate of an illegitimite child of an Airusu general. Her mother and father died in a war fighting for her real father. When she found out about it after their death she left her grandmother. All her childhood was spent in unterminable and constant clashes between her mother and grandma. Her mother went to the war to fight alongside her loved one and died because of it. Suol doesn't know what to do when she comes back to her ronnite district. She then sets free her former classmates from Savagoy and tells them to quit Ronnia as there will be nothing soon. She goes to Alvin in the royal palace and severely injures Manirela Ronn as she attempts to have the power back. Alvin is indifferent to his mother who failed to raise him and leaves her to the fate of the death. He and Suol disappear into oblivion, leaving ruined Ronnia behind.
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feathersandblue · 7 years
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When it comes to anti 'culture' it's always baffled me why teens, supposedly the open-minded, experimental, progressive ones in comparison to older generations, were doing a huge 180-turn and becoming regressive and closed minded instead. I suspect a lot has to do with their perception of a deeply threatening world ("Every bad thing is abusive! Predators everywhere!"), but I wonder if, for some, our generation also plays a part? [1/3]
[2/3]Teens always seek to define their identity by being different to what's gone before, right? But these days most of these kids have parents, or other older people in their lives who are still participating in what used to be exclusively youth subculture - fannish things - and don't always hold the sort of views that teens in the past could rail against. So they think they have nowhere to go except backwards into this conservative, puritanical ideology to claim an "identity" of their own.
3/3] The "you're too old for fandom!" thing feels very much a Generation Tumblr manifestation; I don't remember it much when I was younger in fandom, anyway. But it may stand to reason that if we're saying something's okay, it's natural for them to disagree. Unfortunately in antis' cases, I'm not sure they realize their form of disagreement means their "identity" is pretty much mimicking the rhetoric and tactics of the fanatic religious right.
Interesting points. I just don’t know whether this regression to a moral purism isn’t largely a consequence of being brought up in US society. 
For example, quite a few younger people were brought up to believe that age gap relationships (whereby I mean relationships between older teenagers and grown-ups) are inherently bad, and that every older person who as much as considers having sex with a teenager is exploiting them - no but allowed. When I tried to look into where that idea came from, I found a lot of stuff that was published - mostly by conservative organizations - to spread the idea of the adult as a sexual predator, but at the core of it, it was a tool to spread the ideology of sexual purity and conservative family values. Also a way to lower the rate of teenage pregnancies - for a first world country, the US have quite a lot of these. But instead of sex education and free contraception, many conservative states tried to fight it by spreading sex negativity, often pointing out that young people were mentally incapable of consenting to sex even when the opposite was the case. The concept of “statutory rape”, for example, is often used to invalidate a person’s explicit consent. 
So I’m not always sure whether the moral puritanism is a form of rebel behavior, or just the consequence of fact-averse brainwashing. Which, in my opinion, is one of America’s greatest problems in general. A country where people can demand that creationism should be part of the curriculum, and get away with it, has a massive problem.
What I do think is that young people, in general, tend to see the world in stark black and white contrast, whereas older people are more willing to compromise, and also more ... indifferent to some issues. Moral corruption or plain old pragmatism? The answer is both, of course, but try tell that to some self-righteous teenager or college student. 
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