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meiliarotten · 9 months

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Team Fortress 2 Kinktober Time Two: Electric Boogaloo

Day 9: Lights, Camera, Action (Videotaping)

🔞MINORS DNI🔞

Pairings: Medic x Fem!Reader

Summary: You and Medic decide to make some spicy home movies

Tags: video taping, oral

Word Count: 2k

The Masterlist

The beep of the camera, alerting that it was now recording, made you flinch. It felt louder than it should have in the relatively small space of Medic’s quarters. The little red light on the device caught your eye, blinking in even intervals, and you had to tear your gaze away from it.

You tried to convince yourself that it was foolish to be nervous. This was far from the most daring activity you had ever done with the mad doctor, but still, the idea of taping yourself doing such things made you shudder. By the end of the night you would have a physical record of yourself being utterly ravished, and the idea of that was thrilling and terrifying all at once.

Of course, it wasn’t just you. Medic would obviously also be in the recording, but he seemed far less anxious about it than you. He sauntered confidently over from where he had set up the camera with a lascivious grin. You knew he was proud of himself. He had bought the device especially for this occasion, something that you and him had talked about at length beforehand.

You drummed your fingers on the edges of the bed, crossing and uncrossing your legs, now hyper aware of the fact that your every move was being monitored. Were you supposed to act natural, not even acknowledging that the camera was there? Or should you play it up for the recording? Unsure what to do, you simply squirmed in place, waiting for some kind of instructions.

“Excited?” Medic asked, noticing your fidgeting. You squeezed your hands together, trying to keep them still and gave a kind of half smile.

“A little. I’m also a bit nervous,” you confessed, avoiding his gaze and staring down at the floor.

Medic sat next to you on the bed, putting an arm around your shoulders. You eased into his touch, his shirt already off, allowing you to enjoy the sensation of skin against skin. “It's alright, liebe. No one will ever see this except us.” He began to kiss along your jaw, making you sigh as he whispered between gentle pecks. “Isn’t that enticing? The idea of having our own little secret?”

You didn’t get to respond before he laid claim to your mouth, his tongue entwined with yours. You couldn’t deny that the whole situation did sound hot. The idea of having this kind of memory to revisit, a physical testament to lust, passion, and pleasure, was incredibly erotic. Medic could feel you melting into his touch, inhibitions falling away as he kissed you. You were breathing more heavily than usual when the two of you parted.

“Think of it as an experiment.” His hands began to trail up your thighs. “I’m just testing your reaction to certain stimuli …” his palm cupped the front of your underwear, making you shudder. “And recording the results.”

Only Medic could make such clinical language sound so hot.

You were very aware of how wet you were, and you were sure Medic knew as well, with how he was caressing you through your panties. He knew just how to get you worked up. You let out a shaky breath before responding. “Alright, I think I’m ready.”

“Excellent.” He had you lay back on the bed while he shifted lower, pulling the waistband of your underwear down before tossing them to the floor. His hands ran up your thighs, squeezing the soft flesh and making you shudder. “Now, let’s show off just how much you love my tongue.”

You arched your back as Medic dragged his tongue over your cunt, gasping as he pressed deeper into you before flicking upwards towards your clit. He rested your legs on his shoulders, continuing to caress your thighs as he worked that delightful mouth of his on your sex. You peered down and caught a glimpse of him, his eyes shut as he savored your taste, hair tousled just perfectly.

His fingers dug into your flesh and he began to focus in on your clit once he felt he had worked you up enough. You squirmed and pleaded, feeling the pleasure beginning to build already. If Medic’s goal was to display how fond you were of this, then he was certainly succeeding. But of course, this couldn’t end so soon, and just when you felt like you were about to fall over the precipice, he stopped. You let out a frustrated groan as he stood upright, moving your legs down off of his shoulders.

“There we go. You seem much less nervous now,” he said, looking smug as hell as he watched you pout.

“Why did you stop?” you whined. He was right, you were less nervous, but you were also very frustrated as you felt the pleasure that had been building begin to ebb away into a desperate ache.

Medic unfastened his belt, removing his trousers and climbing on top of you with startling speed. You gasped as he pinned your arms to the bed. He knew you enjoyed the feeling of being overpowered. “I want to finish with you, liebchen.” And with that, he was kissing you again, teasing your lips apart. You could taste yourself on his tongue and it made your head spin. As you grew more impatient, you began to rub your thigh against his erection, making him pull away with a gasp. He paused to regain his composure before speaking. “I think I would like to take you from behind, with you facing the camera,” he whispered, his voice shaky with his own lust even as he struggled to keep it steady. “I want to capture all those beautiful expressions you make when I’m fucking you senseless.”

His words were enough for you to get into position, on all fours with your legs spread to give Medic all the access he needed. He ran his hands down your back in gentle, soothing circles and gave a soft word of warning before entering you. You tried and failed to suppress a moan at the sensation of finally being filled. Medic leaned over you, his chest pressed flush against your back as he began to gently thrust into you, rocking against your body in a slow, steady rhythm to start off with.

Hushed moans and whimpers fell from your lips as you struggled with the desire to hide your face against the mattress. You made an effort to keep your head up and to keep looking into the lens, even though it made your cheeks burn red. Part of you wished Medic would go faster, just so you would have something to focus on other than the unfeeling eye of the camera, recording your every reaction.

“Don’t be shy, mein schönes mädchen,” Medic groaned, as if reading your thoughts. He could probably feel that you were beginning to tense up. “You look so beautiful.”

That definitely boosted your ego a bit, making you hold your head higher with far less shame. Slowly, you began to ease into the pleasure, rocking your hips back to meet Medic’s thrusts, no longer caring about the camera as much before.

“You don’t have to be so gentle, you know,” you said, glancing back at Medic with a grin. “I won’t break.”

You felt a weight being lifted from your back as Medic sat up, no longer leaning on top of you. “Are you certain?” he asked, his hands resting on your waist. You could feel his fingers twitching, resisting the urge to grip you tighter.

“I am, please.” You squeezed your eyes shut, the fact that you were saying this on camera once again hitting you like a ton of bricks. You gripped the sheets, keeping your embarrassment under control and pushing on. “I want you to fuck me harder.”

“Gott,” Medic moaned softly. Just as you expected, the moment he had your permission his grasp on your waist tightened. Not only did he enjoy the feeling of your body giving in beneath his fingers, it also allowed for more leverage. He pulled back and thrust into you, hard, pulling you backwards to meet his hips. “You feel so good, liebchen.”

Even as Medic held a near bruising grip on your waist you continued to rock back against him harder and faster, making each thrust hit deep. Soon his hands began to wander, stroking up and down your back, kneading your ass, reaching around to caress your chest. You couldn’t help but turn into a moaning mess as he peppered you with all kinds of pleasurable sensations. It wasn’t long before you felt that familiar sensation of your body begging for release, especially when Medic hit an especially sensitive spot. You arched back with a shout.

“Right there?” Medic asked, his voice shaking with either mirth or lust- you couldn’t tell. Perhaps it was both. “Is that a good spot?”

You nodded frantically, not trusting yourself to be able to speak coherently. All you knew was that you wouldn’t be able to stand this teasing for much longer. Thankfully, you didn’t need to. By now Medic was just as desperate as you, and he angled himself in order to perfectly strike your sweet spot with each thrust, hard and fast.

“Fuck, Medic! I’m-” you couldn’t finish your sentence, but the message was loud and clear.

“I’ve got you, liebling. Don’t hold back, I want to hear you come for me,” Medic said, speaking between breathy groans. “I want to look back on this and remember just how good I made you feel. I want you to look back on this and crave my touch.”

Both of you would certainly have plenty to look back on. You tipped over the edge just a moment later, moans and gasps reaching a fever pitch. Your body trembled with the effort it took to keep yourself upright. Even as the waves of pleasure began to fade, Medic was still slamming into you, the overstimulation finally making your arms buckle, leaving you facedown on the bed. Your whimpers were now muffled by the sheets, but he didn’t seem to care, too busy chasing his own orgasm, which overtook him with a few more frantic thrusts. You could feel him shudder against you, as he went still.

For a moment you were nervous that he would collapse on top of you, but he managed to find the strength to roll over. You sighed appreciatively as he stroked your back, with you still laying face down on the bed. You couldn’t suppress a soft whine when he left your side to turn off the camera, even though it was barely a few moments until he returned. Immediately, you settled in next to him, his arms wrapped around you almost posessively. “That wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be,” you said, still sounding breathless.

Medic grinned at you, looking like he already knew you were going to say that. “I knew you would enjoy it once you got started, meine liebe.” He leaned down, pressing his lips against yours, this kiss being far more chaste than what you had shared earlier in the night. “And I promise, that recording will be under lock and key, unless we ever want to do some reminiscing.”

The emphasis placed on that final word excited you. This whole situation, having this erotic secret, was thrilling. Not only that, but the idea of watching yourself getting fucked was rather tantalizing. Nearly all the fear you felt at the start had disappeared now, and perhaps that is why you felt bold enough to suggest what you did next.

“You know, that camera probably still has quite a bit of memory left. It would be a shame for it to go to waste,” you said.

“Oh?” Medic immediately took note of what you were proposing, a smug grin spreading across his face. “Are you up for another round already, liebchen?”

“I think I am,” you said, rolling off of the bed and strutting over to where the camera sat. You pressed the record button. That familiar beep and the red blinking light seemed far less intimidating than before. You turned back to Medic with a devious smirk. “And I’m going to be on top this time.”

#tf2 x reader #fanfic #fanfiction #merc x reader #minors dni #smut #tf2 smut #team fortress 2 #cross posted on ao3 #tf2 #medic x reader #tf2 medic #medic team fortress #medic team fortress 2 #kinktober

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its-ticsticstics · 4 months

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Hey, I saw your post on things that can give you tics and what can’t and I have a few questions.

About 1/2 a year ago I developed tics, and I mean BAD. Happened over the course of a few days and it hit me like a damn semi (mainly because I’m in middle school in a small town and people are assholes, they’ve chilled out by now though).

A few months ago I went in to see a professional psychologist (at least I think that’s what he was, it’s something along the lines of that), when I got my results back I was told that the only things I had were minor ADHD, depression, and severe social anxiety. I was told that literally all of my major issues (unable to stay still, randomly going nonverbal, inability to make eye contact, and the tics) were because of the anxiety and now I’m seeing a bunch of posts like yours and I really don’t know who to believe.

Could you maybe provide me with a few articles so I can figure, like, figure a few things out?

(Also I would like to add that I have 41 tics as of current)

Hope I’m not being too too much of a bother/rude! Have a good day/night/afternoon.

(One more thing, I am writing this on 2 hours of sleep so anything I said that was stupid/grammar mistakes can be blamed on that)

First!

I can't diagnose you, but in my almost (haven't graduated from uni yet) professional opinion would to get a Cunningham blood panel test for PANS/PANDAS/BGE.

The sudden onset paired with periods of mutism (inability to speak) along with tics sounds like the source could be brain inflammation in the very early stages.

If a blood test rules this out, it could just be the classic Tourettic Triad of symptoms of ADHD/OCD/ASD but this would also need to be diagnosed by a neurologist. Reading about tics is not enough to give yourself a diagnosis- it is a neurological disorder and not the same as self diagnosing ADHD or autism. People can DIE from misdiagnosed tics.

Unfortunately, especially those who are AFAB, are likely to be misdiagnosed and have a harder time being diagnosed with a tic disorder or Tourettes than AFAB counterparts.

The fact that you weren't sent to a neurologist to evaluate your symptoms is medical neglect and you deserved better.

Second-

The argument that anxiety can't cause tics really comes from the fact that there are NO studies to prove anxiety causes tics. There are no studies to say they don't, because there is no clinical or scientific evidence that they do in the first place. It's sort of like asking "use scientific studies to prove to me that Santa Claus doesn't exist" .. You can't find those studies because everyone already knows Santa Clause doesn't exist so no one does a study on that in the first place. In this scenario, anxiety tics and Santa Claus are the same thing.

All studies agree that anxiety can worsen EXISTING tics, but none say that anxiety alone c a u s e s tics. Those are two very very different things. Ticcing when anxious does not mean being anxious makes you tic, it means that being anxious worsens and makes noticable tics that you already have.

What I can give resources to though, are genuine Tourettes and Tic Disorder websites:

#tics #actually tourettic #anxiety tics #tics and tourettes #tourettes #tourettes syndrome #pans/pandas #motor tics #vocal tics #tic disorders #tic disorder

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lean-mean-demon-genevieve · 7 months

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Very reasonably priced woo-woo machine, I see she understands her targeted audience. Btw, what is parasite cleansing? I feel like I’m missing something here…

Anon #2 that came through while I was putting this together:

Parasite cleansing? Apart from the fact that in the US this really only an issue for pets and livestock, I’m still calling bull. No way that anything designed to kill parasites wouldn’t be intrinsically toxic to this leech.

———————————————————————

Ok, get ready. Because THIS is one of my favorite things to talk about when it comes to Gen…You’re not missing anything because “parasite cleansing,” as she’s referring to it, is not a real thing. In recent years, G has become obsessed with “gut health” alongside the rest of the wellness community. Part of that is a concern for parasites that may be upsetting your delicate GI balance. 🙃 More info on the trend, scam, and risks here.

Time will tell if she actually circles back around to talk about this more like she said she would in that video. I hope she tells us who suggested it to her. But overall, Gen’s hypochondria stems from a mix of generalized anxiety, perfectionism/the drive to be constantly improving her “health”, and an abundance of access to resources and “professionals” who validate her concerns. G has been on this health optimization kick for quite a while but she recently named one of her major influences.

In the podcast where she talked about her implants, she also mentioned her doctor by name; Dr. Sharon Hausman-Cohen of Resilient Health. This whole medical practice is set up for the rich and the anxious. A few things stand out to me upon reading the doc’s bio on their website: First, she is the lead scientist for IntelxxDNA, a genetic testing service that claims to be able to tell you what medical concerns you may be at risk for, and advise on next steps.

As I researched this service further, other resources would note that one risk of this kind of testing is an increase in stress and anxiety. And that makes sense if you find out your DNA makes you at risk for some super scary disease. Just ask Gen:

So if I’m reading between the lines here, it sounds like G got her DNA profile read at this practice and then has become, understandably, even more hyper-aware of her body and body sensations as a result. And then you have a doctor with an invested interest going, “oh no, let’s monitor how you’re feeling at all times.” This is a recipe for disaster when you’re anxious. You will see what you look for, without fail. No wonder she bites her cuticles.

Furthermore, the clinical validity and utility of these tests cannot be confirmed as of yet. (Source) Clinical utility refers to whether the test can provide helpful information about diagnosis, treatment, management, or prevention of a disease. So all this hyper-focus and making it rain on this doctor could all be for nothing.

You might saying, “what does she mean by making it rain on the doctor?” Well, finally there’s this part:

Private membership at the doctor’s office? If you’re unfamiliar with this form of boutique or concierge medicine, it may be because you aren’t in the right tax bracket. Here’s a fairly quick rundown that I like, but it’s basically paying a monthly out-of-pocket fee to a physician for 24/7 access to their care. For my friends in the US, our insurance plans could never. (And you still need health insurance or deep pockets on top of it for additional prescriptions, tests, etc…seriously, read the article above.)

I won’t go into the ethical implications of providing access to care to only the rich, but it’s definitely there imho. Plus check out the practice’s condescending phrasing: a membership is the ultimate self-care. Don’t you care about your health??! Inquire about giving us your money today!

So why am I going on and on about this? Because our dear Gen is stuck in an echo chamber of health anxiety and she wants you to be right there with her. There’s nothing inherently wrong with integrative medicine or holistic practices, but life is hard enough without allowing this broad to add to your stress. If you find yourself asking if you too need some crap she’s peddling, the answer is likely no. And she doesn’t need it either. She just has access to it...and she’s probably hoping you help foot her bill with a purchase through a monetized link.

#anti genevieve #the wellness trap #dont fall for it

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moonjxsung · 27 days

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hi baby angel🫶🏻

thank you for being literally the sweetest person ever!! i truly find so much comfort in your inbox! so i’m sorry if im annoying but i’ll never stop😅 thanks for bringing such a safe space for us💕 you’re the best! i have no words, just love!

i hope this isn’t overwhelming but imma vent a lil. bc i feel like im talking my ear off to my bf everyday so i might as well vent here to new people😂 so it’s been a tough couple of years in general. i’m kinda like super depressed and have been for like most of my life (i used to go to a psychologist but she dropped me but im waitlisted for one rn)! when i got surgery last year, i realized i don’t really love what i study. but i kept going to at least get my masters and everything was okay until this semester. im kinda failing a class (and i might be held back a year to repeat it) and i have intense impostor syndrome over it. and tbh idk if i’ll repeat it if i get held back. i’ve been thinking about taking a break after i take the tests to get my masters (which are this summer and i haven’t even had time, energy or motivation to study).

then there’s lolla! which im soooo excited for but it was such an impulsive decision. and i don’t really have much income from my assistantship job. so im not even sure i can get my hotel reservation and plane tickets until like May and that has me anxious af. this is one of my dream trips and im kinda scared for it. i don’t think i’ll cancel it or anything but i get so stressed about it amidst literally all the chaos in my life. so yeah this is trip would be my (and my bf’s) master’s graduation gift and my birthday trip as well. and i really want it to go as smoothly as possible. im kinda anxious for everything. which brings me to taking my meds again🥲 i kinda hate them bc they make me feel unproductive but i started again bc i was being unproductive anyways so at least im not as anxious anymore.

and on a lighter note, i really really want a tattoo but i can’t get another one until after lolla😭😭😭 and i had one planned for before summer but skz is first 🛐

anyways im equal parts excited and anxious for lolla! i can’t wait to see all those artists! and of course my other angel baby minho, the literal love of my life!

and this is the end of my venting session🥲 i hope i didn’t overwhelm you or anything! thank you for providing a safe space for us to express ourselves!

i love you sosososo much bb💕 have the best week and month and year! take care of yourself too!😘

-🐈‍⬛

My angel! 👼💞 First off, thank you for being so open with me about this, it’s so not easy to be this vulnerable with your emotions but this must have taken you so much courage and I’m so proud of you for talking about it and admitting that you’re not doing so great. That takes so so so much bravery!!!!!

I struggle with really bad impostor syndrome too and TRUST me when I say I’ve failed courses or had to repeat things in the past. School is by NO means an easy thing and especially not when you’re struggling with your mental health. You’re doing the best that you can given the circumstances and even if you can’t see a psychologist just yet (been there on the waitlist, it’s not easy!!) you’re bravely taking your medication again and doing something to combat your anxiety and that’s a MAJOR start. From acknowledging how you feel, to starting your meds again and even if you DO need to take a course, you can only move up from here. Feeling like you’re at rock bottom can be a good thing in hindsight because it forces you to look up at all the opportunities that still lie ahead for you- seeing results from meds, securing a psychologist down the line, even retrying a tough course or needing some extra time if you need it. None of this is a race, either, life is just a series of events and there’s absolutely no set time you HAVE to finish something. If you need to take some time to yourself or repeat a course or there’s ANY curveball thrown your way, the universe isn’t going to end because you needed a little more time. You’re only human, you go at your own pace and your story doesn’t have to mirror anybody else’s. It’s YOUR life and you’re doing pretty fucking amazing if I say so myself. Take some time to give yourself a little credit- think how many courses you’ve completed up until now, how many times you’ve reached out for help, even just how many rough days you’ve lived through. You’ve LIVED through all of that! Not just lived- you’ve THRIVED. You’re here, existing, still finding the joy in little things and doing it so gracefully and your shortcomings do not undermine any of your successes. Be proud of yourself and take a minute to acknowledge the things you’ve succeeded in along the way.

And about Lolla- May is still PLENTY of time to be able to book your hotel/flight to see the boys! That’s still like 2 months before the festival! Concerts can be really fucking stressful but don’t let this be a source of stress for you the way your job and the rest of life’s chaotic things are. This is meant to be a fun, relaxing birthday gift to yourself and in just thinking that way it’s bound to go well.

When I attended Global Citizen back in September, I hadn’t flown to New York in over 10 YEARS, and I was nervous out of my MIND. 3 days before the festival, they announced the skz car accident. I was a crying wreck. The flight there was delayed, the festival had rumors of being canceled due to hurricane weather, my sister and I didn’t get a WINK of sleep the night before and we were in TERRIBLE moods when we first got to the airport. My eyes were swollen from crying over half of skz not attending and my sister was stressing about how much money we spent considering it might be canceled anyway. Guess what we did? We planned our cutest outfits for the airport, we got some amazing airport breakfast, we sat down and we said let’s be in good moods for this whole trip. No exceptions. No more crying, no more sulking- let’s just stay positive. We planned out what to do in New York in case the festival was canceled, and every single hardship that happened after that we simply laughed about. We waited around 13 hours in line in the POURING rain to see 3racha, fought a girl in line and had to stand in wet mud to see them perform. And guess what?? We met the sweetest girls ever in line, laughed about everything, we bought ponchos together, we cheered for every artist, we got to watch 3racha and Jungkook, and I thoroughly believe everything went just fine because we chose not to stress about it even if it was the worst case scenario. I promise you even if there’s any stress involved, Lolla is going to be fantastic and you and your bf are going to have so much fun. And worst case scenario if you can’t go, tour is just around the corner! Skz aren’t going anywhere! Also second you on the tattoo bit- I’m itching for some new ink too but I think I’ll have to hold off for a bit 🥹 it’s okay! The time will pass anyways 🫶

Ending this longggg blurb with this tale of my New York trip- we left the 3racha show at around 11pm, and even though it was POURING rain, I said to my sister “let’s walk back to the hotel!” Mind you this walk was almost an hour long through the busy streets of New York, we were wearing skirts and had already been standing for nearly 15 hours at this point. But that’s exactly what we did- we walked home, stopped by a coffee shop on the way to the hotel that just happened to be open and had our first food (sorta) in HOURS. Passed by so many kind people on the way there, craned our necks up to look at the giant buildings and just dance in the rain. We took pictures of everything, beaming and on a complete high from having seen 3racha perform after such a rough day. It was absolutely magical. I vented to my sister about missing Felix, in particular, and then about an hour away from Central Park in a random dark alley, I looked down- and there’s a concrete drawing that just says “Felix”. Nothing else around, no sign of construction work or wet concrete. Just a random sign- to this day I take it as a good omen that you have to look for the good in every little thing. Walk home in the rain, laugh about the curveballs life may throw your way, give yourself some credit for at least trying. You might find a late night coffee shop and your bias wrecker in the concrete along the way… :)

All my love sweet angel. As always, I am always here for you. You’re doing just fine 💖💘💓💕💞🩷🫶

#🐈‍⬛ anon #ask

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riversofmars · 1 year

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Femslash February is over, so here we are, back to my magnum opus!

Chapter 21: Momentum

In every story there comes a shift in momentum as you prepare for the final showdown, the big finale, the climax that everything has been building towards. It can be subtle or it can be abrupt. Something had changed in my life as the curtain rose on what you might think of as the final act of this story. The change had been earth shattering for me. I spent the night huddled close to Helen, resting in each other’s arms and it was the most wonderful sort of change, the fulfilment of what I had longed for for so long. It was a rest well deserved and much needed, as the momentum was about to shift.

---

I pushed myself up on my elbows to the sound of the doorbell of my quarters. At first I couldn’t place the sound and I looked around confused. I had been lying on my bed reading when the beeping sound had broken my concentration. It was late and no-one ever took the time to visit us in our quarters but there was a first for everything. The door slid open revealing one of the lead scientists.

“Med-tech Chenka?” He greeted me with a thin smile and stepped inside without waiting to be asked in.

“Yes?” I sat up properly and put the tablet down to give him my full attention.

“I hope I’m not interrupting,” he scanned my room and I got to my feet.

“No, of course not. How can I help?” I tried not to be too self conscious about the mess. Despite having little I called my own, I still managed to create a chaotic state wherever I went. It’s part of my charm though perhaps not entirely helpful when dealing with the people that were in charge of the limited future I had.

“I was pleased to see you finally had the opportunity to take your medical,” he said at last when he returned his attention to me and my heart jumped into my throat. Had they noticed I had doctored the results? Was there something wrong? Why else would he be visiting me in private without anyone to witness? Surely, if they were good news, they could have waited till morning. “That concludes all necessary tests and the vetting process. I’m happy to say, we are good to go,” he flashed a brief smile and I was almost more shocked by the ease with which he put the matter off, than I would have been had there been an issue.

“Oh that’s great. Glad to hear the results were satisfactory,” I stuttered and quickly recovered to put on a smile as if there had never been any doubt I would pass with flying colours.

“Yes, indeed, so were we,” she gave back. Usually, I’m very good at reading people but I couldn’t get a measure on him at all; whether he truly believed everything was in order or if he suspected something.

“So what is the time-line from here?” I asked to fill the silence as he made no attempts at leaving.

“There are a few weeks of preparation yet but I suggest you get well acquainted with the idea of setting off into a distant future,” he answered and I nodded.

“Wonderful.”

“There is something else,” he revealed after another moment of silence that I could sense growing heavier. Here came the catch I was dreading.

“Right…” I tried not to fidget. When I’m anxious I fiddle with things, I wring my hands and sometimes bite my nails, all tell tale signs that I was hoping to avoid. They would surely give away that I had something to hide. But why would he said I had passed the tests if-

“We have received confirmation of your employment history,” he went on and I nodded.

“Okay…”

“You never mentioned you had a sister,” he concluded and I blinked. While I hadn’t known what to expect, that was certainly not it. They must have gone as far back as Kaldor in their research.

“Tula? How do you- I mean- It never seemed important. Besides, we haven’t been in contact, I have no idea what she’s up to these days…” I really didn’t and I felt a sting of guilt at the truthful admission. You see, my relationship to my sister had always been somewhat strained, particularly during the time of our father’s illness and after his death. It was a rift that at the time I didn’t think would ever heal. It has now, years later after I returned to Kaldor with the Doctor and spent a whole year with her. But way back then, Tula was nothing but a distant memory and that very fact was painful to admit to.

“Working for the Company on Kaldor,” he added almost pleasantly and I nodded once more.

“Of course she is.” Tula had taken up work for the Company straight out of university, so it wasn’t much of a surprise, though I imagined she would be in a far more senior role these days. She had, after all, always been ambitious and head-strong. In some ways we were far more alike than I liked to admit and it had resulted in many disagreements.

“She seemed pleased to hear you were well. We have a message from her for you if you are interested-” He reached into his lab coat and produced a small data chip that he held out to me. It was a most surprising turn of events. Despite the years of not talking and the fights we’d had before that, I reached for the chip eagerly.

“I- Yes. Yes, that would be-” Looking back I think it had something to do with the fact that I was taking stock of my life at that point as I prepared to launch into the unknown for my final adventure. Tula was a significant part of my past. My only living family. It almost seemed poetic that close to the end. “Thank you.”

“It’s no matter. There was a lot of interesting content in the data package,” he observed as I turned the chip between my fingers in wonder. “Such as a warrant for your arrest on charges of collaboration with the Daleks.”

I nearly dropped the chip as my eyes shot up to him. My heart stalled.

“I- I can explain.” I stuttered, barely recovering from the whiplash of the shocking revelation and the utter casualness with which he presented me with his findings. My mind was starting to race. There was that catch at last. But how was I to prove my version of events over what my actions had been misconstrued as? I had no proof. I had no way of-

“We have, of course, taken steps to assure the authorities that we have no knowledge of your whereabouts and that you can’t be traced here,” he carried on before I could launch into a defence of myself.

“You- You have?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This was not how I had imagined such a conversation might go, so I decided to try and calm myself and see where this was going.

“Given your suitability for this mission and how far the process has already advanced, we’re not prepared to lose you,” he explained and slowly the vice grip of panic eased around my chest.

“I- I don’t know what to say.” I really didn’t.

“Thank you would be a start,” he prompted and I nodded, perplexed.

“Thank you…” I stared at him. “So you don’t… care?”

“That you’re a traitor to your race?” He observed bluntly and the word made my flinch. “Is it going to impede on your ability to do your job?”

“No, of course not,” I interjected quickly but wanted to explain myself: “Besides, I wasn’t-” I wanted to set the record straight but there was no opportunity.

“Then we shouldn’t have a problem,” he carried on, evidently not caring to hear any more on the matter. “We also didn’t tell your sister, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“Thank you…” I breathed and he smiled:

“Welcome to the crew, Med-tech Chenka.” And with that he departed, leaving me in a state of shock.

I released a sigh of relief when I was alone once more. That had been an incredibly close call and my heart continued to pound in my chest for some time after until I was finally able to relax. I couldn’t believe I had gotten away with swindling the results of the medical and I wondered - given the morally flexible approach they had taken regarding my charges - whether I could have been honest about my condition and still been accepted. They seemed to really want me on this mission.

The fact that they had simply brushed over my chequered past without concern if it was true or not, did leave me wondering about the motivations and morals guiding the Institute, but in the end I decided that it didn’t matter. I wasn’t here to do their bidding or further their agenda. They would have precious little influence on us once we were in the depth of space. Even if they intended to use me and the mission for some nefarious reason, it almost didn’t matter, as I was using them too for my own agenda.

My eyes fell onto the data chip in my hand. A message from Tula. I had spent precious little time thinking about my sister and the guilt settled deep in my gut, making me feel nauseous. We hadn’t been close for years, but I could have spared her a thought every now and then… At least now she knew where I was and that was worth a lot. It meant she wouldn’t be left wondering what had happened to me. Maybe I could record a message and send it before we departed, say my goodbyes, tie up the loose ends… I had some time to consider my options, for the time being I was more concerned with listening to Tula’s message, so I pushed the chip into the tablet that I had been reading one and hit play.

“Hello, Liv. Nice to hear you’re still out there somewhere and in work, so that’s a plus- Sorry, that was uncalled for, it’s just- It’s been a while. I hope you’re well. I didn’t get much information on what it is you’re actually doing, but if they are gathering that much background that they reached out to me, it might be something exciting and significant, so well done you. Maybe, once you’re done with whatever it is you’re doing… maybe you could take a trip to Kaldor some time. It would be nice to see you… Anyway, while I have the opportunity, I just wanted to say good luck.”

——

When I woke up, I was disoriented. I knew I was not in the frontier colonies, despite my mind conjuring up the image of the room I used to stay in at ISI. It had been a dream and surprisingly, not a terrible one. The nightmares had kept their distance and the reason for it lay right beside me, sleeping soundly still. Helen was lying on her side, she was facing away from me but had her fingers curled around mine, pulling my arm around herself like a protective barrier. She was holding it close, having dragged my whole body along, I had moved to lie behind her, matching my body to the soft curve of hers. I felt her chest rise and fall slowly as I raised my head a little to look at her. She seemed content and peaceful and it made my heart soar.

I nuzzled into her neck, her soft hair tickling my face and I smiled. I inhaled deeply, savouring the moment and I couldn’t resist the temptation of pressing my lips to her neck. Helen gave a soft drowsy sigh and I smiled against her skin. I kissed her there again and trailed more kisses down her neck and to her shoulder, any bit of exposed skin I could find. I was fully prepared for Helen to scold and stop me but she hadn’t complained yet and I wasn’t going to waste the opportunity.

“That’s a nice way to wake up…“ Helen hummed at last and I chuckled softly.

“For me too,“ I admitted and tugged my arm back, rolling her over to lie on her back. She giggled and it was the most heartwarming sound.

“Good morning, Liv.“ She looked up to me with a smile as I hovered over her.

“Good morning, Helen.“ I leaned down and kissed her.

For the moment, all our worries were forgotten.

“How did you sleep?” She asked, brushing my hair back that continued to fall into my face.

“Better than I have in a long time,” I confessed entirely truthfully. “How about you?”

“Me too,” she answered softly and her hand found the base of my neck, resting there comfortably. “I was so… I hardly slept while we were… you know. When I kept you at arms length…” She took a deep breath. “I was so worried for our future…”

“And now?” I enquired gently. I didn’t want to push her too hard but I wanted to take advantage of her opening up to me. It was a most intimate, wonderful feeling to finally be allowed behind the walls she had put up between us and that to some extent always had existed, as she had kept her heart well guarded.

“Now I’m worried for the future in a different way,” she confessed with something of a helpless smile. “But… being with you just… I suppose you have a calming influence.”

“Be sure to tell that to the Doctor,” I joked. “That’s something that’s never been said about me before.”

“Liv…” she brushed my hair back and hesitated for a moment, then asked: “You will be careful, won’t you? You won’t-”

“No,” I shook my head quickly and firmly. “There is no way I’m giving up on this.” And I meant that. I longed to bury my fears and the dread I felt about my potential death deep down and so I kissed her again, hoping to forget the world and all my worries. I can’t speak to Helen’s thought process or intentions, but I imagine she might have been longing to do much the same, as she pulled me close and returned my kiss just as eagerly.

---

“Good morning, you two lovebirds,” River greeted us when we returned to the main area of operations. Eventually, guilt and a sense of responsibility had won out and made us get up, otherwise we’d likely have stayed in our little bubble of bliss all day. River’s words, however, quickly brought us back to reality as she met us halfway to the office where the Doctors were likely making plans.

“River!” I hissed a warning at her but she didn’t seem bothered. I suppose the legendary River Song is not so easily intimidated, she’d faced down far worse than me.

“Oh don’t be precious Liv,” she tutted and it seemed she might have been on her way to come and find us, as she fell into step with us instead of carrying on.

“We’re not ready for people to know yet,” I continued while Helen remained silent, though her pinked cheeks indicated she was paying attention.

“Then you might want to try to look a little less smitten with each other,” the professor hummed, obviously amused and I pushed my hands into my pockets to resist the ever-present urge to reach for Helen’s hand. “You got here just at the right time,” she revealed and ushered us into the office.

“How’s things progressing? Have we got a plan?” Helen queried and we looked around the room. I couldn’t help but wonder if any of them had had any sleep at all. The Doctor’s certainly hadn’t, and I doubted Kate and Osgood had either. They hardly seemed to have moved from when we had left them the previous night.

“We have indeed,” the Doctor announced, brimming with excitement. It was nice to see enthusiasm returning to his eyes. It gave me hope too and we eagerly awaited his answer: “We will break through the bubble!”

“Right… and something more concrete than that?” I asked drily. I had expected more.

“It’s the only way to truly stop the Daleks from repeating this time loop. We have to step out of it,” he continued, visibly displeased by our lack of applause. The Doctor did so enjoy an adoring audience.

“And how do you suggest we do that,” I continued, trying my best not to sound too sarcastic. I had limited success.

“Simple,” the other Doctor interjected. “We fly.”

“Of course,” I groaned and the thin smile Helen offered was the polite equivalent to my reaction. If this was all they had come up with in the night, we were in big trouble indeed.

“All we need is a ship. I managed to record the frequency the shield is operating on, remember?” The future Doctor elaborated, finally giving the idea some substance. “If we are able to equip a ship accordingly, we would be able to phase through it. So long as we were undetected.”

“What sort of ship? A plane won’t do it. We’d need a spaceship,” Helen observed thoughtfully and I wholeheartedly agreed:

“In 2020? That’s gonna be a tall order. It would need to be something more versatile than a shuttle.”

“Well, then I suppose it’s lucky UNIT deal in technology far in advance of our time,” Kate interjected with a smile. They had obviously discussed the ins and outs of this plan in our absence.

“You could hardly keep a skimmer down here,” I commented but my curiosity was piqued.

“No… but we have other hiding places,” Osgood revealed with a proud smile.

“That we can get to without the Daleks noticing?” I pushed on.

“And that haven’t been destroyed?” Helen added. Despite the serious situation, I gave a little smile, remarking on how often we were completely in tune with each other, following the same thought patterns and reaching the same conclusions. It was a lovely reminder of how perfectly matched we were.

“We can’t be sure-” Kate conceded but our Doctor interrupted:

“Either way, we have to try. It’s our best-”

“If not our only option,” his future self finished his sentence.

“And then what?” I asked, assuming for a moment we would in fact manage to get our hands on a suitable ship. “We just… fly at them?” I tried to imagine how things might come together but every scenario just concluded the same way: “Surely that’s a surefire way of making them flip the switch or just blow us out of the sky.”

“We will have to create a diversion of course,” the blonde Doctor explained and the whole thing was beginning to sound awfully familiar. It was our Doctor that confirmed what I was suspecting:

“We got pretty far that last time,“ he supplied. “Setting up a distraction to allow us to get to the ship undetected. It’s a good plan.“ He gave me a wry smile as if he could read my mind.

“It’s also the closest they got to winning,” River stepped in, having followed the conversation silently until then. I had almost forgotten she had watched us go about this repetitive exercise again and again. “That’s the trouble. If it was just a matter of shooting their ship out of the sky or defeating their troops… we need to get in there before they can flip the switch.”

“There must be another way,“ Helen spoke up, visibly displeased and she turned to me: “You died that time…“

“I’m really not very keen to go through that one…” I agreed but it seemed the others had already discussed this matter:

“You will be elsewhere,” River interjected. “You will fly the ship.“

“I don’t want to be split up, I-” I immediately protested. I wanted to grab Helen’s hand but didn’t given the fact that all eyes were on me. As terrifying as it would be to follow the same plan that had brought my death last time around, I wanted to be wherever Helen was.

“It’s your best chance. I will be with you and one of the Doctors…” River’s voice softened, it wasn’t unlike the time she had found me in my bedroom after I had been witness to my own demise. She had a compassionate side beyond the loud personality, reserved for these moments, and it was effective, I had to give her that. I lowered my head as I understood what she was saying, regardless of whether I liked it or not.

“And we can utilise your arrival for the distraction,” the blonde Doctor jumped in, continuing to outline the plan they had agreed upon. I got the sense we wouldn’t have a say in the matter. “We won’t be able to fly the TARDIS, the only reason it’s even able to come and go is before it happened before the cordon went up. But we will need it regardless.”

“What for?” I asked as I wanted to understand at the very least.

“To destabilise the field. Modifications to the shuttle won’t be enough,” our Doctor explained patiently.

“This plan is getting more unrealistic with every moment…” I huffed, uneasy. It was a typical Doctor plan. Utterly ridiculous and still, somehow, our best option.

“But we do have the best possible odds, remember?” River gave me a wink of reassurance and that was something I couldn’t argue with. If it was ever going to work…

“I suppose so…”

“Will our memories change?” Helen interjected suddenly and the Doctor frowned:

“What?”

“If we go to meet ourselves, find the TARDIS during our arrival… will our memories change if we don’t see Liv die?” She elaborated and admittedly, that was something I hadn’t even considered. By meeting ourselves again, under different circumstances, we would be opening up a whole other can of worms.

“How does that even work? We remember what we saw…“ I agreed. “If this is the God knows which attempt… how come…“

“Your memory might simply change,“ the future Doctor gave a nonchalant shrug that did nothing to reassure me.

“I wouldn’t mind forgetting about that…” Helen hummed and I longed to reach out for her. A flash of pain crossed her face at the painful memory. I couldn’t imagine how she must have felt in that moment, now that I knew that even then, she had felt for me more deeply than she’d ever led on.

“So we enlist our past selves to help and utilise their TARDIS?” I sought to move the conversation along and spare her dwelling on things we couldn’t change now.

“To be honest, we don’t know what will happen to your memories when that happens. This is the first time we’re trying it like that. Last time was the first time you arrived because it was only then that I’d given you the notebook,” River interjected and what had previously seemed logical and straightforward became a jumble.

“My head is starting to hurt,” I groaned and Helen frowned:

“It makes sense… kind of…”

“There is no point in worrying about that now. We will address one problem at a time and see how we go, that’s all we can do,” the blonde Doctor clapped her hands together and her younger self added:

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to agree. One thing we have to be aware of, however, is that there might be severe temporal fallout from this,” he warned.

“We will be,” Osgood spoke up, taking notes on her tablet. “But for now we have to get our timings right. We need to work out when that happens in relation to when we are now.” She looked around the room for answers, evidently eager to map things out in the greatest detail possible.

“I’ll be able to help with that,” River replied and walked over to join the UNIT scientist with her projections. Drawing on the notebook she had given me and notes retrieved from her own diary, she worked things out.

“How much time have we got?” I asked impatiently as I suddenly became aware of one terrifying truth: This might very well be the day and time I die. There would be no do-overs this time around. We only had the one shot now that River was with us and if something went wrong…

“A little under eight hours,” the professor answered at last and my blood ran cold. That was so much sooner than I had expected. For a moment, it felt as if time slowed down and I became oddly detached from myself. As I was trying to identify the things I was feeling, my eyes travelled around the room, looking to my friends for an indication on how I should be behaving or feeling. The Doctors were mirror images of each other of squared jaws and determined, yet bitter expressions. Kate looked insecure, faltering - though only for a split second - in her carefully curated image of strength, as she too seemed to find things moving along too quickly. River’s features had softened with something like compassion or pity as her eyes found mine and I looked further as I couldn’t face her. Osgood’s expression turned to a frown of concentration, trying to detach the data from its implications and Helen? Well… Helen went very pale indeed, much like myself.

I felt a sort of tingle in my limbs and a wave of cold panic that crept up my back. It was the sort of paralysing panic you felt when you truly took a moment to imagine death. Not just death in general but your own. The thought of everything simply ending and that terrible feeling of not knowing what came after - if anything. I had faced the prospect of my own death before, as you well know by now, but never have I had so much to live for.

“That’s hardly any time at all,” Helen whispered, her voice weak and I simply knew she had come to similar conclusions as I had.

“Just enough time to get organised,” Kate regained her air of leadership and control of the situation.

“Liv, I don’t want to split up,” Helen quickly turned to me and grabbed hold of my arm. I wasn’t quite able to respond yet, I simply turned to face her and my heart dropped at the look of fear in her eyes.

“Believe me, it’s the best way,” our Doctor tried to interject but it was River that succeeded in interrupting.

“Helen, can I talk to you for a minute?” She placed her hands on her shoulders, drawing her attention.

“I-” Helen looked around to her confused, then back to me. She appeared helpless which was just how I felt. It was probably a good thing. River would be able to put her at ease much better than I would in my panicking state. I could hardly keep myself together, how was I to be of any help to Helen? I needed air. I needed a moment just to myself to process what was happening.

“Go on. Not going anywhere yet,” I encouraged Helen as calmly as I could, I even managed a small smile and a nod. “I just… I’m gonna need a minute anyway… ”

“Of course,” River answered where Helen couldn’t.

“I will be right back…” I told them and took my leave.

---

I don’t know what I had expected, how we would solve the problem with the Daleks. Somehow, I had still held on to the hope the Doctors would come up with a weird and wonderful idea, a genius solution that would leave us all in awe and safe and sound in the long run. I had not expected to have to face the very scenario that I had watched play out in terrifying and heartbreaking detail before.

I didn’t go far. I just needed a moment away from the people that knew what the future might well have in store for me. I ran my hands through my hair and took a deep breath as slowly, the feeling of control returned.

I was in control of the future, I told myself.

I had been in far worse situations.

I had faced death before and come out on top every time.

You think we’re doing something special? Surviving whatever life has thrown at you so far is not a skill. It’s called ‘still being alive’. Everyone you’ve ever met has done it by definition. The Doctor’s defeatist words rung in my ears. There is always a way out until there isn’t. Maybe this was that time… I shook my head free of the memory, taking conciliation in the fact that even then, I had been right and we had survived.

I try and try again and then, I keep trying until there is nothing left. This couldn’t be that time that I failed. Not when Helen and I had gotten so far… But what if it was? What was there left to do before the end?

I caught sight of the hospital wing and started walking. If I only had eight hours left - regardless of whether we were successful or not and whether I would survive - there were things I had to do.

“Liv?” Tania looked up, evidently surprised to see me as I made my way over.

“How are you doing? How’s the leg,” I asked and the distraction did wonders to pull me away from the edge of breaking under my mental burden.

“Seen better days,” she huffed, gesturing towards her leg and I took a quick peek under the dressing, pleased with how the wound was looking. “I take it I can’t come with you?” She questioned when I straightened up again. “Assuming you will be doing something about the Daleks soon?” She cast a glance past me to the office.

“No. Sorry,” I shook my head and gave her an apologetic smile. “You’ll just have to place your trust in us, hard as that might be.”

“Not as hard as you might think,” she gave back rather kindly, an instant reminder of why I’d felt I needed to speak to her. She was such a kind, generous person and there were things I had to say, things she deserved to hear, so I could put the matter to rest and make my peace.

“Tania… there’s something… I just… I wanted to apologise for how things played out,” I said and lowered my eyes. I truly was sorry. Regardless of how much she had insisted that she hoped Helen and I would work things out, she would be hurt by it. It was human.

“Oh, I see…” She must have taken my meaning from my very demeanour. She sounded stung and I couldn’t blame her.

“It’s not- It’s just-” I wanted to explain but I couldn’t find the right words. My thoughts were still a jumble. I should have prepared something in my mind before marching over, but time was short in every sense of the word, so I blanked. Thankfully, Tania didn’t seem to need explanations:

“It’s fine, Liv, honestly. Otherwise I wouldn’t have said the things I did. I told Helen much the same,” she said after a moment of heavy silence.

“I see…” I mumbled.

“See, there was a reason why I asked what your relationship was. Whether I would be treading on any toes….” She hummed and slowly, her apprehension seemed to ease.

“Yeah… still… I’m sorry…” I told her honestly and she smiled.

“Apology accepted.”

“I think we’ve worked things out. Helen and I…” I said, making sure she really did know what I was apologising for.

“I believe it was about time,” she offered kindly. “Don’t worry. We’re fine.”

“Thank you. I’m glad,” I smiled and reached for her hand with a squeeze of gratitude. She nodded in acknowledgement, then smirked:

“Besides… Martha’s bedside manner is so much nicer than yours.” And just like that, the heaviness of the situation dispersed.

“Martha’s bedside manner?” I gaped, shocked for a moment, then laughed: “I see how it is!”

“Well, you know, a girl can dream,” Tania hummed playfully, casting a glance over to the medic who was seeing to a patient on the other side of the room.

“Well by all means, dream away. If things go well, we won’t be crammed down here much longer and free to go about our lives once more,” I stated, hoping I wasn’t promising too much. “I best be off.” As relieved as I was to have put things right with Tania, there was somewhere else I wanted to be now.

“Good luck, Liv,” she said with an encouraging smile.

“You too,” I winked at her, jerking my head towards Martha who was just scribbling some notes on a chart and she laughed.

When I made my way back to the office and spotted River still speaking to Helen. She had taken her outside, out of earshot of the others and I slowed my steps. I didn’t want to impose, so I waited and watched from a distance. Helen was evidently distraught and River seemed to be doing her best to calm and reassure her.

Dread was beginning to settle in my gut once more at sight of the genuine fear on Helen’s beautiful face. Fear for me. Fear of what was to come. And I could feel it too. Fear was creeping up my back again, I tensed up and struggled under the task of breathing. I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing down the panic, I didn’t have time for it. Eight hours and I might be dead. Eight hours was all I could be sure of. That was no time at all. And so I went to interrupt them.

#Fanfiction #A Numbers Game #liv/helen #liv chenka #helen sinclair #river song #eighth doctor #thirteenth doctor #tania bell #kate stewart #action/adventure #whump #femslash #flashbacks #long fic #doctor who #dw fanfic #big finish

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silence-ion-om · 1 year

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(Pre)Parenthood is a Series of Lessons in Radical Acceptance

Today I missed a call from my OBGYN while I was in session with a client. The office was calling with the results of the quadruple blood test I took last week, which screens for certain birth defects like Down syndrome and neural tube defects. With this being my first baby, I was especially eager to learn the results-specifically the sex of my baby. This call happened to be during my last session of the day before the OBGYN office closed and the nurses left for the day.

Now I am notorious for screening my calls, especially while I am at work and have my phone set to Do Not Disturb. The call rang through anyway and I chose not to answer it while I was in session because I consider that hour sacrosanct for the client. Although I know I made the right choice, this triggered some considerable internal anxiety that required an almost Herculean level of effort to refocus.

The nurse left a non-descript message asking for a call back to discuss the results. I’m not sure why she didn’t leave a more detailed message, as I’d indicated she could on the initial medical paperwork or posted it on the patient portal. I frantically called back after I wrapped up the session, to no avail-the nurse was out for the day. Then I promptly called my husband and messaged my bestie and some family members to prevent what was starting to feel like a full-on meltdown.

And here, I arrive at perhaps my first lesson in patience with this kid-babies (and the people they grow into for that matter) run on their own timetables. After some time (and some tacos), I felt calm enough to do what I always invite my clients to do-I got curious. Why was I feeling so anxious, and about the sex of the baby specifically? Admittedly other catastrophic thoughts entered my head as well, because the blood test included genetic markers for spina bifida and Down’s syndrome-yet these thoughts were tertiary on the list of what ifs bombarding my brain.

(And at the risk of sounding ableist here, I think every new parent to be hopes for the healthiest baby and doesn’t necessarily consider other alternatives unless presented with them directly. I thought that I had already worked through much of the old stories around my “advanced maternal age” and what that even meant for the possibility of this pregnancy and health of my future child. It seems a lot of old beliefs are being challenged today!)

So I am up late at night writing this because I am concerned about how preoccupied I am with the biological sex of my baby. I live in a culture that is obsessed with binaries, yes, but as a therapist I know that gender itself is just a social construct, an elaborate system of rules and roles, complete with color coded costumes. In my work with transgender clients, including teens and their families, I know how fluid a concept gender truly is. I also know how terrifying that fluidity is for those that don’t understand it, and the painful, humiliating, and violent realities trans folks face because of this ignorance.

I know there is a lot of time and resources being spent on reinforcing the gender binary in this country. I write this on the heels of Kansas passing a bill banning transgender athletes from competing in school sports. Frankly, I think we are focusing on the wrong priorities here when it comes to our children’s mental health at school; this is not new, although I find I am thinking about it differently knowing that one day I will have a school-aged child, and my husband and I will be faced with finding the safest place for them to get an education. (Despite my previous thoughts on the subject, I can see why homeschooling is appealing.)

There is no simple answer to these quandaries, and I am starting to see that this is just a small part of the beauty and complexity of becoming a parent. Even writing that sentence feels inadequate because I know this baby will grow and stretch me more than I can possibly imagine. So, of course I am impatient to learn everything about them—but all the information about illnesses and chromosomes won’t change the fact that they will be who they will be. The lack of control I ultimately have over my child is both terrifying and freeing. Talk about a radical acceptance lesson in patience!

#radical acceptance #gender #preparenthood

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darkesttimelinejeffparker · 2 years

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Feel free to scroll past, this is just a personal vent.

So my parents came to visit from New York and stay with my sister. My nephew had a cold, he took tests and was negative on Thursday. As of today my nephew, sister, and dad have tested positive. I am waiting on my at home test results because even though I feel okay (minus DoN hangover), with all my medical conditions I have to be sure. But I am also really worried about my dad because he is in his 70’s and has respiratory issues.

So far it’s only presenting in him like a cold and I know that the newer strains aren’t as bad. But I can’t help but be really stressed and anxious about this. I’m trying not to bother my family while they figure stuff out (where and how to quarantine the three of them, what my mom is going to do). But I feel nauseous and want to cry until I know they’re okay and what my dad’s doctor tells him to do.

#amanda talkie post

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zakblogzak · 1 year

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Long Covid Pt. 1

Before the holidays, I got Covid, and now, four months on, I am still in poor health. Depending on who you consult, my body is recovering from its war with the virus, or the virus remains in my body, defanged, yet guerrilla, and my defenses are cluster bombing the forests. As a result, I have persistent lethargy that cycles intensity in unpredictable weeklong swings. Most of the time, my eyelids feel heavy, creaking in their hinges by my temples. In a down phase, my whole body feels subject to a new and denser gravity, pulling me groundward. During these ebbs, I’m so depleted that it’s painful to be out of bed.

Resilience, usually a hallmark of my operating style, has become precious and sensitive to crash in my fragile state. Any novel operation—negotiating apartment repairs with an uncooperative landlord; a disregulated or oppositional student; the grocery store parking lot—can cause my heartbeat to accelerate perceptibly and my body to thrum with an achy vibration that tells me, no matter where I am, that I need to get under covers and watch Youtube until I can calm all the way down.

Even if I chill on the weekends take things slow, the low drumbeat of a five day week inevitably sinks me. I avoid unnecessary mental, physical or emotional exertions, but many exertions are unavoidable. Groceries. Laundry. All relationships require some effort and thought to navigate skillfully, and I’ve purposely built a life that demands dozens of ongoing human interactions. Each, no matter how joyful, is now also quietly depleting. My frailty becomes unavoidably self-reinforcing as I subtract the energy I’ll need today from what I know I’ll have and, seeing red, become anxious in anticipation.

Worryingly, I’ve also begun experiencing unaccountable testicular pain, dull and achy, possibly stress induced.

Meanwhile, a new travail has entered my life: floating my illness through the mired swamplands of Kaiser Permanente’s overburdened medical bureaucracy, where the solid land of a doctor’s attention is scarce and brief. The earliest appointment I could get with a urologist is in three weeks, and the Imagining Department declined to schedule the testicular ultrasound my GP ordered until after the urology appointment, leaving me marooned with my imagination, unless I want to spend all day at the ER. I’m resistant to hypochondria, but that doesn’t make me immune to testicular cancer. Thump thump thump thump five battery points disappear with that thought.

As a proactive alternative to clinical care, I’ve been consulting my mom, the Internet, my Chinese-aunty/barber Joyce, my girlfriend, my girlfriend’s acupuncturist, an out-of-network support group of medically-trained friends, and clinicaltrials.org.

This last one is a dating service where those who have reached the limits of conventional Western medicine, yet remain symptomatic, can match with researchers trying to expand those bounds. My doctor friend Matty predicted that Kaiser would do nothing further than to tell me to rest until I get better, since long Covid (post-acute sequelae of covid-19, or PASC) is a cutting-edge syndrome, but that I may be able to enroll in a clinical trial for more tailored care.

On clinicaltrials.org, a number of studies purported to test the effects of Paxlovid on those with long Covid. Kaiser will give you Paxlovid if you are currently testing positive for Covid, but not otherwise. Lying to Kaiser for Paxlovid remains an option, but in the meantime my backchannel supporters have collectively prescribed me total sleep, moderate exercise, “pacing”, Tim Burton’s _Wednesday_, ashghawanda, ginger, turmeric, tulsi, probiotics, Pu Ji Xiao Du Yin tablets, Vitamin D, meditation, acupuncture, acupressure mat (“bed of nails”), Remdesivir, CBD, and the nuclear antiviral potion 党参, 北芪, 白术 , and 杞子 boiled with a whole chicken (“put them on the phone with me if they say they don’t have it”).

What’s troubling about sickness is not only pain and discomfort, but the company it keeps with deterioration and fear. While I'm learning to manage my symptoms with some help from my friends, it’s their persistence itself that is acutely distressing. I’ll stand decrepitude for a finite span, but if it goes on? The creeping fear that my best days are behind me, that I’ll never again play a 90-minute soccer game, go out dancing, or engage my students with the full force of my personality—these thoughts intrude, and it takes an effort to return to more rational equanimity, which says I’ll get better with time and patience, as I most likely will. It’s in these panicked moments that I want the whole thing to be over immediately.

—

And yet.

After they travel through the Misty Mountains and lose Gandalf to a Balrog in the Mines of Mordor, the Fellowship of the Ring spends a long weekend in Lothlórien, the leafy Elvin hideout where time slows down, and the saga of the ring, though ongoing, takes a pause for sleep, laundry, rehabilitation and resupply. The place is a hidden resistance center against the rush of Sauron’s advancing darkness. ::a little more::

It’s winter here in Oakland, and has been raining, dark and cold, which adds to the overall gloom and does not improve my symptoms, but suits me. In the evenings, when I’ve exhausted my potential at school, I can yearn toward bed, and time alone, without FOMO or regret. In these moments, I’ve thrilled with excitement at the cover my sickness affords me to _hide_, unsupervised and out of view.

Alone in my room, I’ve hung a projector sheet taut between my walls and pushed play on some movies I’d been too unfocused to watch in normal health—some great, like _The Worst Person in the World_ and _Decision To Leave_, some merely good. Each felt like a milestone of attention, and the projector-from-bed situation has a classic, moony appeal. I’ve sat in the middle of my room with my thick white headphones on my ears and my electric guitar slung across my lap, playing droning, soothing power chords. I’ve turned on NTS Radio’s Poolside mix [link] and combed my back-catalogue of cellphone photography on Google Photos, opening batches of photos to shine in Photoshop. With these, I started this Tumblr, the images a buffer of creative content softening my self-criticism about writing and making it, strangely, a little easier to write. When I’ve been too tired for any of this, I’ve watched Premier League soccer, which though emotional [link], has no real mental cost to the viewer on a per-game level. I nap through whole games and awake with drool on my pillow, deeply relaxed.

Even at my most self-aggrandizing, my about-town quests and schoolroom dramas are less ::fraught:: than Frodos. But sometimes I think of him there in Lothlórien, swaddled in that soft white bed, as I recuperate in the quiet safety of my own sickroom, a strangely beautiful, sheltered space outside of time that, were it not for the painful fatigue, I’ll be sad to leave, and look forward to visiting again. For the poor soul under pressure—you and me and all of us—to disappear is alluring, and when life swings a moment of invisibility over you, when you can slide beneath the boil and swell of things, hiding is one of life’s great pleasures.

One problem with the state of being somewhere on a mountain or pyramid above survival and below “self-actualization” is that you are forever asking yourself, “Is this what the road to self-actualization looks like?” as you are doing all manner of things that one would not think lie along the road to self-actualization. “Am I self-actualizing?” I ask myself as I watch a fourth episode of _The Mandalorian_, eating popcorn for dinner in bed. “Is this what self-actualization looks like?” I pause to wonder as I click on the third, fourth, fifth pages of sale socks on ASOS. Purpose Peak: it’s _the_ peak. From its apex, I’ll cast my leaden ring into the heaving cauldron and rest, assured and exalted forever. But until then, beneath its fiery eye, there is no uncounted moment, and its long shadow is cold with confusion, self-disappointment, and anxiety.

It’s a heavy narrative, and like most people, I’ve lived beneath it, alone, for most of my adult life. Self-actualization is inherently personal. As we understand it, everyone has their own lifework to discover and fulfill according with their proclivities, hangups, dreams, philosophies, opportunities, and formative early wrongs. Some are hedonists, detesting toil, for whom life is a bottomless bucket to fill with as much pleasure and experience as possible. Others are freedomists, fearing constraint. Power hoarders are never to be humiliated, and hoarder hoarders stack against want. And so forth.

By nature I am, and have always been, a contributor, specializing in generative public projects. It has been the purpose of my life, as I felt it, to express my potential energy and facilities into interesting, unique, and useful forms for others—big parties, scrappy small businesses, high school arts programs, backpacking trips, world-swallowing explanatory writing. I was an exuberant, talented and well-loved child in the age of unconditional acclaim, and I’ve retained the compulsive maximalism of one whose sense of self-worth, and source of conditional love, comes from pulling things off for a crowd. Gradually the pure delight of performing as Michael Jackson for a cribside crowd of stuffed animals became the insecure attention-seeking of adolescent positioning, even if that was never my _only_ motive, and no matter how big-hearted the project. I’ve built wonderful community through my efforts, but contribution has always been my freight to carry up the mountain, and until my mid-thirties I truthfully could not conceptualize my life in another manner. By what measure other than social contribution could one possibly value his life? For what else could one merit love, justify and tell the story of his existence here?

The eye of this totalizing mandate never blinks, and beneath it, fatigue takes on the intrinsically negative value of something spent: an empty battery, a snarled power line. For me, being tired has been the most vexing state, because it interrupts the sense of self I’ve built around activity. To be sleepy or “lazy” before conquering the day’s possibilities was to mildly underperform existentially, and because I’ve never been a strong personal disciplinarian, I’d usually underperform.

So, though overused, I would never allow myself to rest. I considered every waking hour an opportunity to have, at least, an expansive moment. Empathy and exposure are some of the tools of the trade for contributors, and I maintain a practically inexhaustible list of movies, series, books, magazine article, world language textbooks, audiobooks, courses, and meditations to consume, which in in my value system supersede mere entertainment. Yet edifying is rarely also brainless. No matter how many hours I spent fruitlessly drooling over Rotten Tomatoes without pushing play on anything, it wasn’t obvious to me that concentration is antithetical to recharge. I’d fall asleep on one hundred tabs, incapable of narrative detachment, waking again tomorrow under the same decree.

Somewhere [link] I read a theory about why humans sleep at night, instead of in the daytime—and why our eyes are consequently tuned for daylight hours—which had to do with lions. On the Serengeti, the hunting hours had to be split between apex predators. The lions, most supreme, went for the prime nighttime hours, and early man adapted to hunt when the lions were sleeping, in the heat of the day. I don’t know whether this is true or not, and find no easy reference on the Internet, but I like imagining that the daylight preference of our species is down to our long ago starlight negotiations with the ancient prides.

In the same book, I read that early man would spend enthralling days hunting or gathering, but spent most of the time in camp doing chores, telling stories, and just kind of playing around. That way of living seems chill. Healthy.

With the advent of agriculture {Sapiens link}, our forebears took up the grinding mill wheel of species expansion: grain, cattle, and human alike. Up with the sun. For all the romance and smell of plowed earth, that mode seems less chill. Nasty, poor, brutish, and short. But boy: _simple_. I imagine the problem of existence was cleaner during those long eons. It had to have been. The scope and field of action for most everyone were given and confined, community and spiritual practice inherited. There were only so many ways one could imagine being. Survival, increase, luck, and mystery: with great difference of presentation across the globe this manner of being human continued for the near-entirety of the human wave upon whose crest we are the effervescent froth.

After the New World collisions, industrialization, capitalist expansions, modern science, feminism, and the Internet (to name a few), things are different for the modernized man. Absolute self-creation is what we think we’re for now, and the metaphor of the pyramid exists not so much as a spur to action, but as a description of the prevailing idea of a good life’s shape. But its seeming simplicity deceives everyone who tries to climb it. The diversity of situation, crowd, influence, mode, code, stimulation, and cross-pollination I encounter in my life as a reed in the urban-Internet jet stream; the complexity of decision making and storytelling I apply as I scratch an existence, identity, purpose, ethic, aesthetic and place in a world of itinerant characters and global effects; the perpetual juicing and jostling this life requires of me, when all my body and mind want to do, a lot of the time, is chill…this is the real American inheritance in the early twenty-first century. It’s invigorating, liberating, dazzling, isolating, poorly-understood and utterly exhausting. “It’s a lot,” is on everyone’s tongue this year. No wonder the Will to Hide.

—

The first time I can remember experiencing the seductive magnetism of hiding out was when I started taking long drives across the country in my Honda Accord, during the breaks between college semesters. ++Picture++ The longer I was alone, the more the hermetic privacy of the car overtook me, and I would succumb to a skittish shyness of people and decisions completely counter to my normal personality. I would drive into a place—some Cedar City, some Mt. Vernon—and nearly fear talking to the strangers there. I’d freeze with panic picking a place to eat, preferring instead the anonymity of my solitary, unnegotiated world. I recorded myself talking into a battery-powered tape recorder, or humming aimlessly as I slapped the dashboard with my thumbs. I listened to the _Harry Potter_ audiotapes narrated by Jim Dale. It was intoxicating to be unreachable, untethered, on the loose in the beautiful world, but there was something of protest in it too, a kind of proto-burnout from the kinetic motion of high school and liberal arts college, though I couldn’t put my finger on that yet.

I think about those trips like a dream world to which I never returned. I over-stuffed the years after them with all manner of hustle and movement, people and projects, living life at a ceaseless full bore, so much that when I search my memory for extended moments of hideout post-graduation, I find exactly none until the pandemic shutdowns of 2020 and 2021.

To the extent the shutdowns were pleasurable, it was as a mass-hideout event. Unpaid and less inhibited than their teachers, my teenage students on Zoom hid their faces behind their black boxes for a year and a half. It became our forced bargain that if I would allow them to hide—and my remonstrations were powerless to make them appear—they would allow me to hide from my job as well. No amount of work I put into my lessons and outreach made a dent in engagement, and eventually we settled into, not so much a course schedule as a hangout routine. My evening film screenings drew better attendance than my classes, even if the visible faces remained few.

Like my students, everyone I knew was hiding during that time, each according to their abilities, resources, and responsibilities. After the initial frenzy of that first spring and summer, when I worked at the food bank in the mornings, anxiously baked sourdough and tried to get my students online, my world unmoored into a loose, languorous drift where nothing much was possible, and nothing much expected. Most of the time, I hid out, overcome for the first time since those car rides with the delirious pleasure of privacy and peaceful silence. I took long walks and listened to books on tape or birds singing, breathing the clean air of the depopulated Bay Area. I started playing _Civilization VI_ on my OUSD MacBook through the evening. I liked the opening phases of the game, when you navigate your tribe through the outer dark, discovering the nature of the world you’ve awoken in, clutching your spear. I read a lot of books, spent long weeknights with friends, and ate a lot of pasta. It was a separate peace.

I wasn’t completely detached, of course. The protest that I now know accompanies and motivates all hideouts was overt and pronounced during the pandemic. People were dying and hospitals were filling up. Trump was president. I anxiously read all the news. When the George Floyd demonstrations came down, I took to the project of antiracism, reading all the books I could and preaching that gospel to my white friends with the radicalism of the newly evangelized. Change felt possible.

And there was other dissent as well. A breach opened in the social contract under which you strive for a lifestyle and self-actualization through work. Guerrilla hideout movements—quiet quitting, hikikomori, lie flat, and college disenrollment among others—began or deepened. Many of those who could afford to hide in bedrooms settled for full-time hideout until something more than a paycheck and drudgery could be found at work, free-rider problem be damned. Facebook read the tea leaves (incorrectly, let’s hope) and became Meta, a co-opted corporate space to hide from the world. All of these movements continue as the pandemic ebbs.

As we returned to that classroom last year, I was happy to be a back teaching in person. The job had become a grey doldrum, devoid of the human contact that makes teaching pleasurable, and like everyone I was ready to be done with Zoom. At the same time, I had little desire to do all the things I used to do. Our mantra as we returned to the building was, “Can we not?” I tightened my boundaries, and started going home right after the last bell, but teaching is a taxing profession, and there is no way to keep it in a box. By now, my hideout spaces had mostly disappeared until this sickness gave me the pretense to once again take some time aside.

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iheartgarrus · 2 years

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hello! i have a feeling like i have endometriosis but you know, due to misogyny and our pain being underestimated, i might told that it’s nothing serious. my test results came back and i’ll see my gynaecologist tomorrow but i’m anxious as hell. could you please share some of your symptoms if you’re comfortable? i wonder if mine are similar (excruciating pain during sex, split urine stream, irregular periods, severe cramps, lots of blood cloths during my period, pain and burning during and after peeing, etc.) and if this ask makes you uncomfortable, please do not feel pressured to reply. regardless, i’m glad that you got diagnosed. i hope things get better for you!

Hi there! Not uncomfortable at all. 💜 I’m happy to share what I’ve experienced, just bear in mind that while I have referred to medical research to learn more about endometriosis, I am not a medical professional and my knowledge of this is mostly limited to my own experience. I’m just going to put this under a cut in case other folks want to scroll by.

Some symptoms I’ve experienced - and I don’t know for sure yet if all of these are actually related to endo, but I’m kind of including everything that I’ve seen research to suggest that it could be related. All of these are things I’ve experienced frequently enough for it to be a significant disruption in my life:

Severe cramps (often radiating from lower abdomen to back, hips, upper thighs, and genitals)

Difficulty urinating

Constipation

Pain from sexual arousal (it doesn’t always happen, but when it does, I usually experience it immediately post-orgasm)

Fatigue

Back pain

Restless legs syndrome*

*I’ve only seen one pretty limited study correlating RLS with endometriosis, so it’s not strongly established as a symptom, but it’s possible.

Some of these I was told specifically by doctors that they weren’t symptoms of endo, but I found studies (in reputable medical journals) that said otherwise. I know that research is always developing, especially in an area that has been neglected for so long, and I know that doctors can’t always keep up with every new update, but I wish they’d look into things more before dismissing them out of hand. I’m very lucky now to have an OB-GYN who’s a specialist in endometriosis.

Anon, just wondering - did you have laparoscopic surgery? It’s worth noting that though endo can sometimes be found on ultrasounds, surgery is still the only way to know for sure. So I just ask because if it’s ultrasound results you’re going over, that might not be the last step for you.

#endometriosis #personal #tmi

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braywashed · 2 years

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i’m so fucking annoyed with this GI office

she seemed great in the appointments and was great on the phone but for fucks sake. after the no show thing, their office itself remains shit. they were supposed to call me for a three month follow up and just never bothered.

she’s had me take this lab twice now, once as a follow up to the first time. the first time she didn’t even tell me she was running it, because it was just supposed to look for infections. the goal was to put me on some kind of supplement for my gallbladder i had never known even existed. it’s never been brought up again. it took like two months for them to even say anything about the first results to say they wanted the follow up. then weeks after the follow up they message me asking if i’d be willing to have a fucking colonoscopy to check for IBD despite the results being SIGNIFICANTLY lower (but they weren’t THAT high to begin with) and only being like >10 above normal range, which from my ~own personal~ digging seems like it’s probably because of the medication i take for my fucking gerd.

and i replied ASKING about that. the day they messaged. on the SIXTH.

she JUST GOT BACK TO ME A HALF HOUR AGO.

wanting to set up a telephone appointment to talk about having the test.

bro. i just HAD a fucking partial one done less than five fucking years ago to check for that same shit. it didn’t find anything. i also JUST had a fucking lower abd. CT scan.

i sent a response saying i really don’t want to unless there’s any suspicion of something really serious for that exact reason over such a small elevation level. like all this shit does is make me anxious something’s wrong and they never find shit.

like you fucking promised me some fucking simple cure for a problem i’ve had half my life that you AGREED were the problem and now you just want to run fucking invasive tests nonstop for other things. i’m 32. i’m already embarrassed and anxious enough about this stuff. fuck off.

#venting about medical stuff sorry #GIs remain the fucking worst thing i've ever dealt with

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charlattehotte · 2 years

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i am in a constant state of anxiety over having to write essays and also over having to wait for results for the ones i’ve submitted (and after i’ve submitted these I’ll be less anxious about writing them but more anxious about the results) and also waiting for standard medical test results even though I’m Pretty Sure It’s Fine (but also what if i did them wrong or posted them wrong??) and also i can’t sleep for more than 3-4 hours at a time rn and the temperature is changing again so yes it akes sense my body’s reacting like this because I literally always get sick this time of year and also when i’m this anxious, but now i am anxious about being sick. fun.

#im like not even really getting the mental part of anxiety lol #its more like passing thoughts of ohhh no what if i fail #but im too exhausted and burnt out to really get upset about it #and yet my body is reacting like this #:3c

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swiftlyfindingmyplaceinthisworld · 3 years

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#I’m so anxious about my medical test results #I have to wait to hear in the next two weeks #I’m trying to stay positive and keep busy but it’s hard

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heecyon · 3 years

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Enhypen Little Angels Series: When they find out their s/o is pregnant

warnings: cursing, mentions of miscarriage and hospitals, collapsing, vomiting and couvade syndrome (for Sunghoon and Sunoo)

this happens before the og enha little angels

taglist: @skyaura-koo @serendipityclick @en-sun @envirae @exulansis-eun @gamezzzz

Pls tell me if I forgot anyone from the taglist and I'll fix it immediately.

I'll try to fix any grammar mistakes. Sorry for the delay

word count: 1,523 words

Lee Heeseung:

“Heeseung... What if i'm really pregnant?” Mina said bouncing on her feet.

Being nervous wasn't the words that she would use to describe how she feeling at the moment.

“If you are pregnant, then that means that our child will have the most amazing mother and the most amazing father.” He set his hands around Mina's waist, then accommodated his head on her shoulder.

“I'm not talking about that.” She sighed, looking at the ring on her finger.

“You mean... the loss?” Mina nodded, her gaze was sad and her eyes were glossy.

“It wasn't your fault jagi, and I know that you fear that the same thing will happen again, but I promise you that everything will turn out for good.” Heeseung placed a soft kiss on his wife's lips, then unified his forehead with hers.

“I think... I'll go check the test.” Mina said before placing a kiss in Heeseung's cheek and going to the bathroom to see the results.

He waited a few seconds and then...

“Heeseung, I'm actually pregnant!”

Park Jongseong

“How many times do I have to tell you that I'm fine?” Bella said looking at IV hooked on her hand.

Jay kept walking around the hospital room, he was a little bit mad, he thought that Bella hadn't taken care of herself as he told her to.

“As many times as you want, because it's not gonna work for me, or make me feel better.” He kept pacing around back and forth, trying to keep himself calm.

“If you keep rambling nothing will be solved.” Jay huffed, as he pinched the skin of his left arm.

“And if you keep dismissing your health nothing will get solved!”

Bella groaned, sometimes Jay could be way to stubborn.

“How many times do I have to tell you that I've been taking care of myself.” She pouted.

“It doesn't seem like that to me.”

Just in time the doctor appeared on the room.

“What is it doctor? Is she healthy?” She smiled at Jay and then at Bella.

“Well, there isn't any problem... Except that you have high levels of HCG.”

They both looked at the doctor completely confused.

“This high level of HCG only appears on pregnancy. Congratulations, you are pregnant.”

If they were confused before then, I don't know how to describe how they felt by the moment.

“Huh?!”

Shim Jaeyun

“Do you think is something bad?”

Jake shook his head, while looking around the doctor's office. He was way more anxious than what he showed, but he tried his best to stay calm for Teagan.

It had been days since Teagan started vomiting and having nausea, to the point that she spent most days locked in the bathroom and nearly fell down the stairs because of how dizzy she felt.

“I'm done! I'm taking you to the doctors!”

Teagan looked at him dumbfounded. Why did he wanted to take her to the doctors so suddenly.

“But I feel fine.”

“Being fine is not nearly falling down the stairs because of dizziness.”

Teagan hated hospitals with all her might, and always tried everything to avoid them, but guess who still drag her to the hospital? Jake!

The doctor finally entered the office, making the couple turn their gaze to him.

He gave them a small smile, before saying:

“I already have your lab results...”

Jake grabbed his wife's hand, trying to calm himself down a little and also reassuring her that everything will be okay.

In the best case he thought you had a stomach bug. In the worst case you could some kind of terminal illness.

... But gladly those weren't the cases.

“It seems like you have high levels of human chorionic gonadotropin.” Teagan looked at the doctor with a dumbfounded gaze.

“What those that mean?” Teagan looked at the doctor and then looked at Jake who was in shock, but then spoke.

“It means... that you are pregnant.”

Park Sunghoon

... It started when Sunghoon started having symptoms. Hyeyoung noticed how tired Sunghoon was does days and how he started having cravings... A lot of cravings.

“And can you please add an extra order of fries please?” “Thank you.”

He hanged up on the call while Hyeyoung looked at him weirded out.

“You sure you are okay?” She walked up to him, seating beside him on the sofa.

“Yeah, why wouldn't I be?”

“Well... because you are acting like a pregnant woman.”

Sunghoon giggled a little, before he realised that...

“Hyeyoung? When was the last time that you had your period?” The girl looked down for moment, and then she finally realised what was going on.

Now they were both looking at the positive pregnancy on their hands.

“Oh shit!”

“OH HOLY SHIT!”

Kim Sunoo

Another case of couvade syndrome...

“Ah! Noona! Sunoo-Hyung just fainted!” Aera ran to the studio and saw the boys fanning Sunoo to make him feel better.

Sunno saw Aera's worried expression and then smiled at her to ease her up.

“I'm fine jagiya. I'm just tired.” He stood up with the help of his oldest members.

He walked up to Aera, who changed her expression suddenly, she started feeling way to dizzy and all off the sudden she lost her balance and collapse on Sunoo's.

The rest of the members started shouting worriedly and asked the staff to call medical help.

“I guess we have the same condition or something.” Sunoo spoke when they where both in the doctors office waiting for both of their results.

“It's probably the flu, or a cold is kicking our butts.” Aera chucked and Sunoo giggled a little.

The doctor entered the room, with the results on his hands.

“Well it seems like Sunoo is pretty healthy and there is no reason for your collapse, except that you have couvade syndrome.” He frowned at the doctors words wanting a clear explanation.

“It's when a partner presents the same symptoms as their pregnant partner.” Aera was the one frowning at that moment. Was the doctor saying what she thought he was saying?

“I'm sorry, but my wife is not...”

“The fuck?! She's pregnant?!”

Yang Jungwon

This boy rushed to the hospital the moment that he got a call from her mom, saying that Mirae had fallen down the stairs.

He freaked out, but when he got there Mirae explained him that she had blacked out and that made her fall down three steps of stairs.

“Are you sure you don't feel pain or anything?” Jungwon played with her hair, while he sat on her hospital bed.

“Wonie, I'm fine, it's just a small bruise”

“And a concussion.” Mirae's mother blurted that out of nowhere. Which made the girl murmured a "Mom" angrily.

“Ah! I guess I'll stay up with you all night.” He said rubbing her shoulders.

“I also have something else to tell you...” She grabbed a strand of hair and started playing with it.

“Hmm?” Jungwon payed all his attention ontu her.

“The doctor did a few tests... Everything's okay, but...” She passed and stayed quiet for while.

“What's wrong Rae, you can tell me anything, remember?” Jungwon smiled showing his cute dimples.

Mirae sighed, inhaled... Then exhaled.

“I'm pregnant.”

Jungwon seemed in shock by what she had just blurted out, but then started laughing immediately.

He was happy, obviously he was... But then he paused.

“When did I made you a baby?”

Nishimura Riki

They where both visiting Niki's parents in Japan, they where on vacations so they used that to pay a visit to them.

Mei Lin wasn't feeling that good throughout the whole way to her in laws house, she felt like throwing up the ride in the plane, but she thought it was just motion sickness.

“You sure you are okay? If you don't feel well enough, we can stay at the hotel and go tomorrow.” Niki wasn't that sure of what to do at the moment, but he thought it would pass in a few hours.

“No, I think I still feel bad because of the flight, but it'll pass in a few minutes, I promise.” She said patting Niki's head before calling over a taxi.

They got home pretty fast and had dinner. They were both enjoying their time, but something about the food just made Mei feel nauseated. So she covered her mouth and nose with her left hand.

The family noticed pretty fast and Niki's sister was already looking for a pill to calm Mei's stomach down.

While Niki was rubbing her back, his mother commented.

“You know, this reminds me of the symptoms I had when I had a few weeks of pregnancy with Riki.” She laughed it off, but something about just made the rest of the family including Mei freeze.

“I think... I'll just go get a pregnancy test.”

Everybody's eyes widened and the thought of their daughter in law being pregnant was kinda shocking.

An hour later, a positive pregnacy test was on the couple's hands.

Niki and Mei were both in complete shock, they were happy of course... But still shocked.

“I wasn't expecting you guys to take me seriously when I said «I want grandchildren as soon as possible.»”

#enhypenwriters #enhypen #enhypen imagines #enhypen oneshots #enhypen ot7 #jay enhypen #sunghoon enhypen #jungwon enhypen #heeseung enhypen #jake enhypen #niki enhypen #sunoo enhypen

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spidernerdsblog · 3 years

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Match made in Hell : Chapter Twelve

A/N : Chapter twelve is here. Ah only one more chapter left. Hope you like this chapter. Let me know what you think.

Pairing : Mob! Tom Holland x Reader

Summary : you always wanted a simple life but to be born as the daughter of a dangerous mobster turned out to be a curse for you. Everything changes when your father gets your lover killed and forcefully marries you off to another mobster as a part of a deal. You hate your father and your husband the only thing you seek is now revenge. Will you ever be able to fall in love again or this burning hatred inside you will consume you?

Warnings : fluff, pregnancy, misogyny, mention of blood, violence, language, missed typos.

SERIES MASTERLIST

“What's wrong?” Vanessa looks at you questioningly.

“I think I might have had skipped for a couple of days,” you admit, scrunching your nose.

“Can you be less vague? Cause I’m not getting it” she deadpans as you scowl at her for not getting your implication.

“Okay so I got shot a month ago I hope you remember that. I was on medication right? Well a lot of medications actually” you half shrug “so with all that going on I may or may not have forgotten to take the pills during that time and we got caught up in the moment at one time and things just happened you know”

“Well you guys are literal horndogs I have no doubt in that” she rolls her eyes “but you need to take the test” she states out to you.

“What? Now?” you looked at her stunned.

“Yes and right now” she stresses on her words.

“But I don't have any test kits at this moment” you mutter

“Then I'll ask someone to get them from the store”

“No! don’t tell anyone especially the boys” you give her a panicked look and Vanessa scoffs.

“OK relax I'll go and get it for you” saying so she left immediately. It took half an hour for Vanessa to make a trip round to the store as you waited for her in your room anxiously.

“Here” she hands you the pregnancy test kit. You nibble on to your bottom lip glancing back and forth between the box and her face.

“C'mon go on” she urged you on. You finally stood up and went inside the bathroom. Closing the door behind you let out a deep sigh taking one last glance at the box before opening it. After reading the instructions carefully you proceeded to do accordingly. When you were done you placed the stick on the marble counter and opened the door for Vanessa to come in.

“Done” you inform her.

“OK, now we wait,” she says, glancing at her watch. Five minutes appeared to be five years for you as you paced back and forth while Vanessa chewed on her nails leaning on the counter in anticipation.

“OK it’s time” she announces and you feel your heartbeat quicken. You took a deep breath and stepped forward to have a look but immediately backed off feeling anxious.

“Oh god I can't look at it” you wrap your arms around yourself.

“What?” Vanessa looks at you puzzled.

“You check it for me please I can’t” you gave her an earnest look.

“You're so dramatic” she rolls her eyes and goes to check the result and falls silent taking the test in hand.

“What? What is it?” you ask impatiently.

“Negative” she answers.

“Negative? Really?” you weren't convinced with the result as you looked at her with doubt in your eyes.

“Yeah” she confirms again.

“Oh that's a relief heh” you chuckle lightly “I told you before only it's just a stomach bug”

“You're upset that it's negative, aren’t you?” Vanessa gives you a knowing look.

“What? No I mean… yeah a little it wouldn't be bad you know but nevermind” you fiddle with your hands fumbling on your words.

“So you wanted a baby?” she raises her eyebrows questioningly.

“I mean yeah I love kids and wouldn't mind one of my own specially if it’s a cute little version of my husband running around the house on his little feet” you expressed your little desire.

“You sure?” she reasserts, raising her eyebrows as the corner of her mouth picks into a smile.

“Yeah but it doesn't matter anyways cause the test is negative as you said” you shrugged letting off the thought.

“Well then good news sissy it's actually positive” Vanessa smiles at you widely and you were taken aback.

“What?! You serious?” she nods, holding out the stick in front of you to see it yourself.

“Oh my god you bitch!” you gasp “who's dramatic now huh?” you scowl, hitting her arm lightly.

“Ow! At least I helped you figure out what you actually feel about the whole thing” she places her hands on your shoulders “congratulations sister you’re gonna have a baby!”

“I’m gonna have a baby” you repeat that to yourself. You still couldn’t believe that this was happening as you placed a hand gently over your stomach

“And I'm going to be an aunt. I’m so happy for you guys” she hugs you tightly but soon your face drops as you pull away from her with a worried expression.

“What happened? Why again the gloomy face?” Vanessa nudges you.

“I don’t want my baby to be part of this bloodshed. I have been trying to run away from this and here I’m again pushing my child right into that same hell hole” you rant with tears in your eyes.

“I think you need to first talk to Tom and then make a decision. You understand?” you nod “everything will be fine don’t worry” she pulls you in her embrace comforting you.

It was almost a week that you got to know you were pregnant but still you couldn’t break the news to Tom, you just didn’t have the nerves to do it yet.

****

You stood by the mirror glancing at your reflection though there wasn’t a visible bump but you still rubbed your hand over your belly. The thought of a life growing inside made your heart swell with warmth. Somehow you felt more livelier than you have ever been a certain glow emanating through your features. Maybe this is what people meant by pregnancy glow. You felt happy and content from inside out, you felt complete as if you had found the missing piece of your life. But you still had to tell Tom and the only person you could think of for some advice was your mom as you finally called her.

“Hi sweetie” your mother’s sweet voice comes from the other end.

“Hey mom”

“So what reminds my daughter about her old mother?” she snickers.

“Mom! you really think that I called for another favor” you grimace.

“Well you don't call much for me to think otherwise”

“C'mon mom you know my situation with dad”

“Yeah, yeah I'm just messing with you now, what’s the matter? you sound stressed” she observed.

“I... just really miss you” you sigh

“Sweetie, is everything alright?” she asks with concern.

“Yeah just wanted to hear your voice that’s all”

“I'm your mother Y/N, I can totally feel that something is bothering my little girl?”

“Mom, can I ask you something?” you say taking a deep breath.

“Anything honey”

“Were you scared when you first came to know that you were pregnant with me?”

“What?”

“I mean to say that I was totally unplanned and for my sake you had to marry that man so were you scared thinking about what your future will be in a crime family?”

“Well honestly I had little choice in that matter. I was stuck in the middle of the rivalry so in order to keep you safe I married him. But honey the day I held you in my arms all my fears went away. The only thing I know is that I can spend the rest of my life looking at you. You were never a mistake you were the best gift given to me”

“That's nice to hear” you smile

“But why after so many years you are bringing this up?”

“Nothing I just have somethings in my mind going on right now and it feels a lot” you try to shrug it off.

“Sweetie, what are you hiding from me?” she prods.

“Nothing mom I swear!” you exclaim.

“I know very well what this ‘nothing mom’ means c'mon tell me”

“Well I'm pregnant” you inform as you hear her gasp.

“What?! Oh my god I can't believe my ears, is this really true? This isn’t a prank right? Like you used to do when you were little”

“No mom it isn’t a prank” you reassure her lightly chuckling.

“Oh god I'm so happy for you honey. My little girl is going to be a mom herself? When did she grow so big?” she shrieks eyes welling up in happiness “Does Tom know?”

“Not yet” you inform.

“Not yet? Why what's wrong? Does he not want it?”

“No it’s nothing like that… actually I myself don’t know. This just happened so suddenly though I was thrilled initially but now I’m worried actually scared I-I don't think I will be a good mother. I mean my life is already a mess. I don't want to give this life to my child. They don't deserve this”

“Listen to me Y/N no one is perfect even I made mistakes too and that’s how we learn. How much ever you want to plan your life Y/N, it will always have a way of surprising you with unexpected things that will make you happier than you originally planned” she makes you understand “Tom is a nice guy I’m sure he’ll always be by your side. And I know my girl too and how much strong she is you have got this Y/N just believe in yourself and Tom”

“Thanks mom really needed to hear this from you”

“Anytime honey now take some rest and then tell everything to Tom, speak to you soon, love you”

“Love you too mom” you end the call feeling lighthearted as if a weight has been lifted off your chest. You grew up in a very dysfunctional family which made you yearn for a perfect happy family and when you have finally got it you’re not going to let anything mess it up at any cost.

****

The basement of your mansion was kind of Tom’s personal hell. He had particularly made it to held people captive for whoever dared to cross him and torture them to death. You were actually never allowed down there but today you got to join him. As you approached the room in the basement you heard screams and groans of a man in pain. Tom opened the door and you both stepped inside to find Ethan tied up in a chair beaten mercilessly barely conscious groaning in pain. His body was pale and face bruised with a black eye, nose bleeding, jaw swollen from the right temple down the cheek. Harrison was standing in front of him in a black tank top and jeans all worked up heaving in anger as you noticed his bloody knuckles. Two other lackeys were also present to help him with the interrogation.

“Haz anything so far?” Tom asks, lighting up a cigarette.

“Nothing till now this bastard won't speak up” he mutters, grabbing a fistful of Ethan’s silky black hair and tugging it harshly. Tom stalks towards him and bents down blowing the smoke on his face

“Well mate you have to speak up some or the other time” he smirks with a condescending tone.

“Over my dead body” Ethan grits under his teeth glaring at him.

“Sooner or later you are gonna end up dead anyways but not before you tell us everything you know about the rest of the viper gang”

“You think you can torture me to disclose everything” he snickers weakly “nah you have got the wrong man dude. You gotta do lot more than this”

“You know what Ethan? I'm not good with patience so the sooner you speak up the sooner you get your sweet death”

“And I think I’ve got the time of the world” he laughs tauntingly “why don’t you ask your wife to do it? Maybe she can seduce everything out of me like the pathetic whore she is” he slurs at you with a mocking tone. Tom clenches his jaw as his hands balled into tight fists and in no time he lands a punch right at his jugular as he coughs up blood.

“Watch your bloody mouth!” Tom growls, grabbing him by his collar “you really don’t know how tempted I am to cut you into pieces one by one as I watch you slowly bleed to death” he mutters, looking at him with malice in his eyes.

The scene in front of you wasn’t that pleasant though you’re used to it but with the raging pregnancy hormones everything seemed heightened for you. The room began to feel stuffy as you found it difficult to breathe adding to that the raunchy putrid smell of blood mixed with the smell of nicotine in the room swept through your nose which made your stomach churn and you tasted bile. The urge to throw up grew strong for you to hold it any longer. You grabbed your mouth, letting out a muffled "excuse me" you ran upstairs to your room.

“Y/N?” Tom lets go of Ethan and calls you back worriedly as everyone’s attention turns to you.

“You go check I can handle this” Harrison assures exchanging glances with Tom as he nodded and sprinted off to your bedroom. He finds the bathroom locked as he hears gagging noises from inside.

“Y/N, love you alright?” He knocks on the door

“Yeah I'm fine” you answer before throwing up again. When you were sure that there’s nothing left for you to throw up you stepped out of the bathroom face flushed and exhausted. Tom hastily went to hold your hand.

“Oh my god are you ok?” he gasps lightly

“Yes Tom I’m fine don’t worry” you tell him

“You don't look fine to me” he drapes a hand around your shoulders and slowly walks you towards the bed and makes you sit down.

“Tom it's ok”

“Y/N we need to go see a doctor now” he insists.

“No, no it’s fine a little rest will be enough for me”

“I’m not listening to anything, wait I-I’m calling the doctor at home only” he fumbles pulling out his phone from his pocket to make a call.

“Tom, relax! It's totally normal in the first months of pregnancy” you exclaim

“What?!” Tom frowns as your eyes go wide realizing your slip up “Did you just say pregnancy?” he reiterates.

“Yes” you sigh standing up “I'm pregnant….with our child” you reveal placing your hand over your belly and Tom’s expression changed into a mix of shock and happiness.

“What? You're serious? You-you aren't kidding right?”

“Do I seem to be in the state of joking?” you raise your eyebrows unamused.

“Yeah, yeah right” he mumbles to himself as he processes the news and soon after excitement takes over him “Oh god Y/N this is such great news!” He lifts you up and does a little spin.

“Oh my god Tom put me down!” you squeal

“Oh I’m sorry” he puts you down “I’m just so excited. When did you get to know?”

“A week ago” you said meekly.

“And you didn't tell me? Why?” you felt a little intimidated under his questioning gaze. Even before you could say something he made his own assumption.

“Wait, you don't want this, is that why?” he looks at you with dreaded eyes

“No, No, no that's not what it is?” you shake your head vigorously in disapproval “you have got it all wrong”

“Then what is it Y/N?” he asks you softly.

“It's actually the opposite. I was just scared as it was totally unplanned and with all this going on with my father you are already tensed. I wasn’t sure how you would react” you rambled.

“Oh darling” he breathes out cupping your face gently with his broad hands “you don't know today you have made me the happiest man on this fucking world. This is everything I wanted honey. You, me and our perfect little happy family” you smiled at him as he carefully placed his hands on your belly.

“How far are you? Is everything normal? Are you both ok?” he badgered you with questions.

“I... actually thought you would come with me on my first checkup” you looked at him bashfully “it's-it's just I wanted you to be there with me if you aren't too busy”

“Of course love, no work is more important than you and my little one” he beams with joy. Tom didn’t waste a second to call at the hospital to schedule your appointment.

“Mr. and Mrs. Holland” the nurse calls out

“Yes?” you both respond standing up from your seats.

“Dr. Martin is ready to see you” she informs and leads you inside the room.

“Please lie down” she instructs and you follow by lying down on the examination chair while Tom sits on the chair beside you. The nurse then leaves the room and soon after the doctor arrives. She was a middle aged woman and looked quite experienced as she greeted you warmly.

“Hello Mrs. Holland, I’m Dr. Martin”

“Hello doctor” you smiled courteously.

“So how are you feeling today?”

“I feel fine, doctor, just a little bit tired...” you were quickly cut off by Tom

“No doctor she got really sick and nauseous the other day” he puts forth his concern.

“Morning sickness is normal at this time Mr. Holland. There’s nothing to worry about” she reassures him.

“See?” you whisper with a knowing glare. Tom still wasn’t convinced but let it go for now.

“Ready to have a first look at your baby?” she asks cheerfully as you nod, lifting your shirt up. She rubbed the cool gel on your lower stomach while Tom held your hand tightly. Then she switches the monitor on and runs the tool on your belly. A hazy black and white image appears on the screen as the room fills with the rhythmic beeping of heartbeat. You and Tom stare at the monitor in awe.

“You see right here?” the doctor points at the middle of the screen with a pen.

“Awww that's our baby” you squeeze Tom's hand gently, a stray tear of joy rolls down your cheek. Tom was himself brimming with emotions, he knelt down and kissed your forehead with adoration as you noticed London’s most feared mobster’s eyes wet.

“I can already pick the heartbeats” she reveals further as you both give her a puzzled look.

“Heartbeats? As in plural” Tom asked in shock.

“Yeah two heartbeats” she confirms “you're going to have twins Mrs. Holland” she adds. You gasped and smiled instantly feeling giddy and overwhelmed at the news.

“We're gonna have twins” you looked up at him with a sparkle in your eyes.

“Yes we are, love” a wide smile spread across his face “you gotta admit I did a really good job in there though” he whispers cockily and there he was back again in his usual self.

“Tom!” you glared, squeezing his hand tightly.

“Ow! Sorry, sorry” he chuckles when you both were interrupted as Dr Martin began to speak again.

“You are approximately 8 weeks and all parameters seem to be normal. The babies are growing fine, nothing to worry about. After 10 weeks we can identify the genders” she elucidates “But you have to be extra careful as you are a new mom and with twins. Everything will be doubled for you so maintaining a proper diet, getting a good amount of sleep is very important. No heavy lifting and most importantly no stress at all as it directly affects the babies. The expectant mother should always be happy” she advises.

“We’ll keep that in mind doc thank you so much” Tom acknowledges her.

“Well then I’ll see you on your next check up. Do you want the prints of the ultrasound?”

“Yes please” you both said together.

“Ok I’ll get it right away”

On the way back home the whole ride Tom kept rambling about how everything needed to be baby proofed and keep everything ready as if you are going to labor tomorrow itself. He even suggested that he shift your bedroom downstairs so that you don’t have to climb up the stairs. You had to literally ask him to shut up and relax that you have seven more months to go.

****

You were about to get off the bed when Tom came in with a huge tray of food.

“Good morning love” he went and sat in front placing the tray on his lap as you looked at the amount of food which was double than you usually have.

“What's all this Tom?” you ask frowning.

“Breakfast in bed”

“I can see that but is this a breakfast for a giant? What's with these enormous portions?” you pointed out.

“If I may remind you, you are now eating for three so you have to eat accordingly”

“In no way I'm going to eat that much” you stated firmly

“But darling…”

“Nope, not happening. I said no means no” you shake your head side to side “I don’t want to get fat because after a few I’m gonna be all big and round anyways and then you wouldn't look at me” your hormones getting the best of your insecurities as you rambled without much thinking.

“Hey look at me” he holds your chin between his index and thumb fingers making you look at him “you seriously think that? You. will. always. be. the prettiest woman for me do you understand?” he asks as you nod “I bet you are going to be the most beautiful mom. Our kids are lucky to have a fearless, confident woman like you as their mother” he says looking deep into your eyes “and I can’t wait to see you all big and round” he adds smiling.

“But I’m still not gonna eat all of it”

“Ok you can eat as much you can no pressure” he assures you as you take the fruit bowl in your hand and start to munch on the fruits one by one going into a deep thought.

“Now what is going on in that mind of yours?” he asks breaking you out of your thoughts.

“I think we should tell everyone I mean your mom and dad then the boys they would be thrilled to know”

“So you wanna invite them over lunch?” he offers.

“Yeah that will be really nice”

****

Tom’s family arrived on time, after lunch all of you gathered in the living room as you and Tom stood in the middle. Everyone looked at you both expectantly though Tom’s dad had a disinterested look like all times.

“Sorry for the short notice but this was kind of important and we were really excited to share this news with you” you started.

“Did the police catch your father?” Harry asks out of nowhere

“That would have been really nice but unfortunately no”

“Then what is it?” Harrison asks impatiently.

“Well….we’re pregnant” you both announce.

“What?!” everyone collectively gasped.

“Is it true?” Nikki looked between you two

“Yes mum” Tom confirms bashfully wrapping a hand around your waist and pulling you closer.

“Oh my god this is such good news” she gets up to you and takes your hands in hers “I’m so happy for you” she cradles the side of your face lovingly.

“Finally I'm going to get to see the face of my grandson, my heir. That's some good news after all huh” Tom’s dad remarks with gruff in his voice as Nikki looks at you apologetically.

“Actually dad, we're going to have twins,” Tom added.

“Well that’s good, can't wait to meet my grandsons as they’re going to take over our business in future” he said still emphasizing on having a son and honestly neither you nor Tom wanted your twins to join the mob.

“Oh dear now that’s something big” Nikki tries to lighten the mood “I remember when I was with Harry and Sam it was a lot of cravings and mood swings get ready for it Tom” she snickers as she starts to give you some helpful tips to make everything a little easier for you as this is your first time.

“Congratulations bro” Harrison goes and hugs Tom tightly.

“Thanks man”

“So I’m gonna be the godfather I assume?” he asks.

“Well we’re yet to decide that” Tom snickers.

“What? C’mon man I’m your best friend and I’m going to be the godfather, that’s final. I know Y/N is still angry at me which by the way is your fault but I’ll manage her” he states confidently

“Good luck with that,” Tom laughs. Everyone left after sometime leaving you both all by yourselves in your house. Tom turns to smiling.

“What?” you ask.

“Close your eyes,” he says.

“Why?” you look at him skeptically

“You still don’t trust me don’t you?”

“No” you quip with a smirk.

“Just close your eyes please I have something to show to you” he pouts with puppy eyes

“Okay” you close your eyes “happy?”

“Yes now come with me”

“Where are you taking me?” you ask again.

“You’ll see soon” he takes your hand and carefully guides you up the stairs. He brings you in front of a room with a large wooden door and slowly clicks the door open.

“Now open your eyes” he whispers softly into your ears. You flutter your eyes open to be awestruck as you look inside the room. It was a nursery for your twins. You looked at everything with wide eyes, two twin cribs situated in the middle with cute plushies in it, the walls painted in soft pastel gender neutral shades, the lighting of the room well coordinated making it look warm and cozy. An armchair for you to take rest.

“How is it?” Tom's voice breaks you out of your thoughts.

“Tom, it’s-it’s beautiful” you breathe out “but when did you?” you looked at him quizzical

“Well as soon as you told me I called in some favors and had this room renovated” he reveals to you.

“It's-it's really beautiful Tom” you walked further into the room towards the cribs. Brushing your hand over the wooden railings you picked up the baby towel and rubbed it against your cheek feeling the soft texture.

“Sorry I don't have much idea about all this stuff, I just tried my best to make it as comfortable for you three. If you want anything else just tell me I'll get it done” he says scratching the back of his neck.

“Tom, it's perfect. You did a great job. I love it” you take his hand and place it over your belly “and they are gonna love it too” you reassure him.

“I installed a music system too” he adds, turning on the music as he wraps his hands around your waist and sways gently to the music “it's said that listening to calming music helps during this time”

“Someone has been busy reading I see” you tease.

“Well I just want to be there for you guys” he shrugs nonchalantly.

“Aww where did this softy come from? What did you do to my terrifying ruthless mobster husband?” you joke laughing.

“Haha very funny” he scoffs when you finally notice the lyrics of the song.

“Is this our wedding song?” you ask with a knowing smile.

“Yep”

I know you haven't made your mind up yet But I would never do you wrong I've known it from the moment that we met No doubt in my mind where you belong

“Did I ever tell you how bloody gorgeous you looked that day? Just like an angel from the heavens”

“Oh shut up!” you blushed, hitting his chest playfully.

“What? I’m serious” he laughs “couldn’t take my eyes off you”

“Well you didn’t look bad either” you snicker resting your head on his chest “that was such a long time ago isn’t it?”

“Hmm” he hums

“If anybody had told me that we will end up like this I would have never believed it at all” you chuckle at the memories of the numerous heated arguments you had with each other. But now you find solace in each other's arms.

“We have come a long way” he sighs as you feel him tense under you. Something was still bothering him, you knew it for sure.

“Wanna sit down?” you posed

“No it’s fine I’m not tired”

“Well I am pregnant with twins you know heh” he lets go of you and you go and sit on the floor near the cribs back resting against them. You pat on the empty spot beside you urging him to sit down too. He comes and sits down tilting his head on your shoulder as you run your fingers through his soft brown curls.

“I needed to say something to you” he finally lets out.

“Go on I’m listening”

“Don't mind my dad's words I don't care if they are girls or boys I just want you three to be healthy and safe” he says as you go to kiss his forehead lovingly “If you ask me personally I would be thrilled to have two mini Y/Ns” he add.

“Careful what you wish for Mr. Holland you don’t want thrice the trouble do you?” you chuckle.

“Gladly Mrs. Holland” he laughs before turning all gloomy again “do you think they would like me?”

“You are their father Tom they would always love you”

“But what if they don't? What if they hate me when they come to what kind of man their dad is and everything he has done in his life?” he rambles.

“Tom as the eldest son you didn't have a choice they would surely understand” you try your best to make him understand.

“I don't know Y/N, you know my dad wasn't that present for us. It was just us and mum. And when time came all of a sudden I was accompanying him killing people and beating them to death. I want to change that I want to be there for them, for you in every step of your life and most importantly I don’t want that life for them” he rants out.

“Honey, you wanting to do things right has already made you the best father in the world. They are gonna be so proud of their daddy” you cradle his face affectionately.

“You know what, I'm going to stop doing all the illegal trades” he blurts out.

“What do you mean?” you frown at him.

“Means no more shark loaning, extortion, gambling, contract killing everything, everything that's against the laws. I have already made a lot of enemies” he places a hand on your stomach “and I'm not gonna let them inherit this curse too. I need to cut off my ties with the underworld”

“But what about your dad I don't think he would agree with and your brothers then Harrison?”

“Dad will be angry I'm sure of that but Harrison, Sam and Harry would understand. I want to make sure that you all are safe and no more hiding skeletons in the closet” he gives you a determined look as you smile.

“Do whatever is necessary I'll always be there by your side cause I love you”

“I love you too” he says back as your lips meet softly into a chaste kiss.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true Nothing that I wouldn't do Go to the ends of the Earth for you To make you feel my love To make you feel my love

****

You woke up the next morning hearing some commotion outside your room. You could hear Tom yelling at his men judging by the tone he was furious.

“What?!” he was shocked “how did this happen?! And what were you morons doing at that time?!”

“Sir-sir” the men stuttered in fear.

“I don't want to hear a fucking word from your mouths! Go and find him now or I'll kill you” he threatens “now get out of my sight!” meanwhile, you slip off the bed and put on your robe before stepping out of your room.

“Tom is everything alright” you ask with a worried expression.

“Oh I'm sorry darling did I wake you up? It’s nothing, go back to sleep there will be no more disturbance” he pretends to act like everything is ok.

“Tom, stop lying, what is it? What has happened?” you enquire.

“Nothing darling I promise” he tries his best to convince you but you weren’t buying any of it.

“You're not gonna tell me? fine! I'll go and find out myself” you glower at him.

“Y/N no wait you” he stops you, catching hold of your hand.

“Then tell me what it is?” you demand with a serious look on your face.

“Ethan escaped”

..................................................................................

Taglist in bio.

#tom holland #tom holland imagines #tom holland smut #tom holland fluff #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland x y/n #mob! tom holland #mob! tom

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