#I’ve been on my Javi feels lately and this was the result
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Week in Review | Sept. 3
Happy September and welcome to another week in review! This past week had been circled on my calendar for a while. Do you ever have those weeks that you know are going to be an absolute cluster? Well, that was this week for me at work. On top of that, we had a hurricane to track...luckily we are all safe!.
I was so overwhelmed by all of the messages and comments sending good vibes my way this week. It seriously gave me some much-needed wind in my sails. Anyway, here we go to my fic recs and other fun stuff under the "read more" because I'm apparently super long-winded this week in everything I do 😆
Fics I read this week:
Three of my absolute favorite fics posted final chapters this week. Congrats to Megan, Mel, and Jo for wrapping up the main stories, and I'm looking forward to your epilogues and anything else you share!
Frankie Morales
The Layover by @goodwithcheese - I’ve been shouting about this one for a while now and Megan just keeps knocking it out of the park. While I’m sad that this story came to an end, I’m so excited to reread it and for the epilogue. (I'm especially keen to reread that scene where Frankie and the boys clear the yard)! 😉
Shared Breaths by @frenchiereading - Another great Frankie fic that I’ve been following for a while! Frankie deserves the world and this story is just so sweet! The epilogue Mel posted was just … ugh so good! It made me feel every emotion. And she also posted a behind-the-scenes post that was so interesting and insightful. I love seeing how others organize and work on their stories.
Just a Number by @linzels-blog - There was a fun little extra published this week about a girls’ night that was especially fun! I'm loving Frankie so much in this.
The Pilot and His Girl by @avastrasposts - If you’ve followed me for a while, you know I love this TLOU/TF crossover so damn much. And with the inclusion of a couple of Millers into the story recently I’ve been over the moon.
Javier Peña
Late Night Texts by @mvtthewmurdvck - The concept for this fic is so good and I love how the relationship between these two evolved. I was an utter mess reading the last chapter. Bravo!
La Camisa Negra by @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin - I feel like a moth called to a flame anytime there is a mention of black shirt Javi … and now there's a whole one-shot dedicated to it 🫠. Speaking of Angela, she put together a compilation of her favorite Frankie fics and was sweet enough to include Delta Landscaping, so thank you!
It’s Never Too Late by @javierpena-inatacvest just gave us all of the content this week! Besides, the main story there was also this ask called Again that made me lose my damn mind! 🫠
Jack “Whiskey” Daniels
The House by @gemmahale. Chapter 3 was posted this week and it was a fun journey through time to see how OFC grew up going to her adopted grandfather’s farm which was located next to the Stateman Distillery.
Marcus Pike
Sick Day by @trulybetty - Our favorite FBI agent is under the weather. I just love the fluff and domesticity of this, there's nothing like someone taking care of you when you're sick. 🥹
Dieter Bravo
I am deep in my Dieter feels these days with Working Title and as a result, I haven’t been reading much with him. The only exception is Destiny & Deliverance by @mysterious-moonstruck-musings - Ugh, this one is so good! Between all of the teasers and hints dropped along the way, I’m so intrigued to see where this one is going!
Benny Miller
I’ve been in the deepest of deep dives with all things Garrett Hedlund, particularly Benny Miller. I just have to show this post again and the photo that came out with Garrett and Charlie (and then the subsequent video of Garrett at the roller rink). I mean, sir, are you serious?! I’m still not fully recovered. Thank you @musings-of-a-rose for giving me a crash course in all the Garrett content I've missed … and for letting me run feral in your DMs about this man 😂 Also, today is Garrett's 39th birthday, so yay. I hope that he has a great day!
Anyway, @wildemaven posted a one-shot titled Supply & Demand that shows Benny at his best - sexy, charming, and sweet.
Things I watched:
I didn’t really get a lot of TV in this week that wasn’t the 100th rewatch of Frozen for my daughter. We have tried to sprinkle in some other movies like Tangled and Zootopia, but Elsa is her girl and who are we to deny her?
Last week, I talked about the method my husband and I use to go and see movies. This week, I went and saw The Curse of the Demeter. I know this is based on a chapter in Dracula, but I’ve never read it, so I can’t give any insight as to how true to the text the movie was or wasn’t. It was fine. Like, it was suspenseful…not super scary (I mean, you know it’s Dracula and he’s going to bite people). If I had to put it on a scale of 1-5, it would be like a 3. Perfectly fine movie, but there are other movies I’d tell you to go see first.
My husband went and saw The Haunted Mansion after I raved about it last week and he confirmed a lot of my thoughts, especially that LaKeith Stanfield is amazing in it.
Not in theaters, but I watched Mojave last night - that scoundrel Garrett Hedlund strikes again, but Oscar Issac is in it too! I liked it, but then again it may have been because of how hot Garrett looked and sounded in it! I mean look at this man:
Things I'm excited for:
Tonight I’m going to my first-ever Halloween Horror Nights event at Universal. We have a babysitter so mom and dad are ready for a date night! The only mission I have is to do the Last of Us house. There’s also some cool Last of Us-themed food that I want to try as well. I’ll report back and share some photos if anyone is interested. I'm sure to be channeling my inner Pedro-at-the-Beyonce-concert and saying "I'm fucking dying" at how amazing it's all going to be.
Fic updates:
Both WIPs had new chapters this week! I keep adding ideas for future one-shots and possibly a series, I’m not quite sure yet. I need to concentrate on the two I have going right now though! Thank you to everyone who has read and left me feedback and sent messages - it means so much!
Anyway, that’s all for me! If you made it this far, thank you for reading my ramblings. I hope you have a great week!
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GASP! Girl please 😩
AHahaha @mourningbirds1 you caught that tag did you? 😌 Thank you for the ask!! 💕 I’m so happy you want to know about the nonsense that goes on in my head.
Girl listen I have very loose thot here - a friends to lovers situation that starts with Javi being your neighbour - and it all stemmed from a prompt that @yespolkadotkitty sent me a while ago…
“I can’t keep kissing strangers in the dark and pretending they’re you”
——
You're still not sure what he does for a living but his hours are long and the walls are thin and you have some idea what he does to decompress because it’s not that much different than your own coping strategies and over the next few months, an easy friendship evolves.
There was the night he found himself sitting at your kitchen table in an adrenaline induced haze after a bust gone wrong and with whiskey on his breath he’s apologizing for dripping blood on your floor. You just wave it off and press a fresh glass into his good hand. You know better than to notice the dark circles under his eyes or ask what the other guy looks like. He watches your gentle fingers at work cleaning and bandaging the gash on his knuckles with smooth ease, like you’ve done this a thousand times. So mesmerized by your soothing touch, he forgets the whiskey altogether until he sees you reach for his hand. His brain takes too long to realize you’re reaching for the booze, not his hand. You down it in one gulp and refill the glass for him, ripping open a box of butterfly stitches. His eyes are on the smudge of lipstick on the edge of his glass, the shape of your bottom lip left behind. Dregs of whiskey blur down the side and he wants to taste it.
And he’s not talking about the whiskey.
You give him a frozen bag of peas to help the swelling over his cheekbone and he does as he’s told, wondering why your first aid stash contains eight bottles of hemostatic agent, and is that fishing line… wondering how you know what kind of whiskey he drinks, wondering why you care about him like this.
Fast forward a couple more weeks…
He knows you had a date tonight with that accountant again. Fourth date this month if he was counting. which he’s not.
So he definitely wasn’t expecting to hear you climbing the stairs by yourself at such an early hour.
And he has no right to the sheer relief that settles over him. But the pang of his misguided heart is getting harder to ignore when he’s wishing it was his fourth date with you instead, so he washes the sting of it down with something equally harsh. He doesn’t worry about you when you go out no matter how plain and boring your dates are with their polo shirts and obnoxiously expensive shoes (but the pile of cigarette butts in the ashtray on his coffee table tell a different story)
Then he hears your apartment door slam louder than usual. judging by your cursing, cupboard doors echoing in your kitchen, the evening didn’t go well and he’s off his couch and across the hall without even realizing it.
You’re standing there on the other side of the threshold, barefoot, in a dress he’s never seen before, the glass in your hand is half full and it’s not the cheap stuff. The furious storm in your eyes had already spilled over at some point and smeared your mascara.
There’s a special place in hell for anyone that makes you cry, he thinks, eyes darting across your features, sweeping for any other indicator that might require a little interference in a certain accountant’s affairs. Javi comes up short and he can’t decide if that’s good for him or not.
Once again his chest floods with the overwhelming need to protect you like you’re his.
He steps into your space, and it’s all the coaxing you need. Your face crumbles and he slips the glass from your hand, setting it down on the tiny hall table before gathering you in his arms, soothing your shuddering breaths against his chest.
you don’t see the seething rage darkening his eyes, trembling just underneath the surface.
‘What did he do?’
‘He had a wife.’
——
✨ Read the next drabble in this series here!
In conclusion this is nothing but pure self indulgence where javi desperately wants to be the man to show you that you deserve better, to treat you the way you deserve to be treated 😌
#💌#javier peña#tw alcohol#neighbour!javi vibes#tw blood#pedro pascal#I’ve been on my Javi feels lately and this was the result#there’s some backstory and a bit more of this but it’s mostly still bare bones at this point#and it’s a little angsty bc it’s Javi#I just need the muse to start cooperating 😅#*mine: writing#clare tag 🧸
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Mr. Perfectly Fine
Rating: Teen
Pairing: Javier Peña x Reader
Word count: 5.2k
Summary: Two weeks after breaking up with you, you're picking up the pieces of your heart that had been broken by your now ex-boyfriend Javier Peña. You want answers, a clear reason as to why things fell apart. The only problem is that Javier refuses to even acknowledge your existence
Warnings: A little bit of period-typical sexism, but not much, Javier being an asshole, mentions of prostitution, some low level typical Narcos themes
Authors Note: So this idea has been swimming around in my head ever since the song was released last week. I already had a Bad Breakup fic for Javi planned but I’ve decided to extend it into three parts! Also reader speaks in English bc I do not understand a word of Spanish other than that one line in Ultraviolence. None of this is beta read, so there’s bound to be a few mistakes - if I get anything really wrong then let me know.
Part 2 | MASTERLIST
The tension in the room was so thick that you could cut it with a knife. From the moment someone walked in they could feel it, the stifling air of awkwardness surrounding every single person in the room as they pretended to carry on with their work, averting their eyes to the spectacle presented in front of them, a war of agitation rife between two agents sitting across the room from each other as well as the unfortunate Steve Murphy who just happened to sit between you two. From your end it was simple silent fury, directed right across the room to where your partner, or rather, ex-partner, Javier Peña was seated at his own desk, casually leafing through mountains of paperwork and suspect photos as if you weren’t practically shooting daggers at him from across the way.
He wasn’t doing anything, and that was exactly the problem - you wanted him to do something, say something, anything, if only it would show that he even gave a damn about the situation at all. But he never did. Every morning when he walked into work carrying a black coffee in his hands, his top shirt buttons hanging loose as they always seemed to be and his hair mustled as if he hadn’t been sleeping properly, he said nothing. He walked past you as if you weren’t even there, ignoring your stares and crashing down at his desk, ready to continue the endless chase for Pablo Escobar. And it infuriated you. Oh lord, how it made you burn. With every refusal of acknowledgement he gave, you became even more tempted to march right over to him and strike him across his stupid handsome face. You never did, of course, and you never would. Physical confrontation just wasn’t your style. Nevertheless, the mere thought of such did bring you a small bit of joy to your broken little soul.
Things had been going like this for two weeks now. You hadn’t expected much on the first morning back in the office after what had happened between you. A part of you wanted him to come grovelling to you, insisting that he’d made a mistake and begging for you to take him back. That in itself was nothing more than a fantasy: Javier Peña was too proud to grovel. If anything, his behaviour shouldn’t have surprised you in the slightest. He was the one who broke up with you over a 27 second phone call, after all.
Despite taking that into consideration, you thought by now you would have heard something from him. He’d have to talk to you eventually since you two were working the same case. Apparently no, because it appeared that he went out of his way to deliver every piece of correspondence meant for you through to Murphy, letting him act as a sort of unwilling middle man between the two of you. You knew that Steve already felt awkward enough having to be in the same room with the two of you whilst this was all going on, so your sympathy for him deepened when he was thrust into the even more awkward position of messenger. Sometimes you swore he made up fake meetings with Messina to attend to or new leads to investigate just so he could get away from the suffocating air of hate around you and Javi. And really, who could blame him?
You felt your nose twitch in annoyance as you trained your eyes forward to him, periodically looking down at various files of intel to keep up the facade that you were indeed working, though you eyes were across the room for most of the time, searching for any sign of emotion on his face. Nothing, zilch, not a single trace, his expression only showcasing general indifference, as if nothing were wrong at all. You gripped your hand tightly around the edge of your pen, thinking of everything you wished you could say to him. How’s your heart after breaking mine, Javi? For your information, ever since you pulled that bullshit on the phone, I’ve been miserable as all fucking hell. Before all that happened, I wanted to try. I was even ready to try to forgive you after that stupid fight, but you just had to make that call. You know what? I’d actually hate you less if you just acted like you cared a little that we broke up. But noooo, you’re just Mr. Perfectly Fine, what with your ignoring me and your casual cruelty, your always showing up at just the right time, and your insincerity, and the way you think everything fucking revolves around you. Well, I’ll tell you something Javi - I’m done! Absolutely done with you and your shit. Jump off a cliff for all I care!
“I’ll be back later on, gonna go follow up on a few leads” your thoughts were cut off by Javier’s abrupt announcement, your eyes gracing themselves upwards to watch him hastily scoop his jacket off the back of his chair and skulk his way out of the office. Every bitter word you wanted to say to him burned on your tongue, though you only managed to settle on a simple yet seething glare while his eyes glazed over you, rushing himself out of the room as quickly as humanly possible. You noticed Murphy look over his shoulder like he was about to say something but it was too late - Javi was already long gone.
_______
Letting out a low groan of frustration, you slammed the door to your car shut and threw your head back against the seats headrest, the stress of the job and the emotional weight of the day combining to make you even more tired than you would usually be at the end of a long day. Javier hadn’t been back to the office since he left, leaving both you and Murphy to pick up all the work he’d left in his absence. If that wasn’t infuriating enough, the thought of him running around all of Bogotá just to avoid seeing you brought your anger to new unreachable heights. It was annoying - him not being around should have left your mind to be free to do some actual goddamn work but instead, just as before, every single moment he occupied your mind, living there permanently as if it were his right. How much more infuriating could that man get?
Thankfully, the drive home wasn’t any more of a nuisance than usual, since the apartment complex you shared with the others wasn’t that far from the embassy, so that was a small positive at the very least. Once you’d pulled up to the lot you were feeling a lot more level-headed than you did before, and were mainly looking forward to kicking back in pajamas and watching whatever was on TV with the leftover pizza from the night before. It wouldn’t do much to take your mind off everything with Javi, though, you knew that much. Still, a small bit of bliss was still bliss.
Your apartment was down the hall from Javier’s, which had made it easier for you two when you were together but now felt like another sore reminder of what had been. Sighing heavily to yourself, you kicked the door to your car shut and stuffed the keys into the pocket of your jeans. A minor annoyance, sure, nothing you couldn’t handle though. You wondered if he would even be back right now. He had to be, right? An idea started to creep into your head at that thought, taking root and festering until you had practically talked yourself into doing it already, descending up the stairs with a sense of purpose behind you. Maybe if you showed up on his doorstep you could force him to confront you, make him look you in the eye. Any sort of acknowledgement to what you two had would be nice at this point, and if you had to take action yourself to get him to do it, then so be it.
The closer you got to his door the more you felt you should turn back, a feeling of uneasiness beginning to form somewhere deep in your chest. This might be a bad idea. What if you two got into a fight again? As much as you wanted nothing more than to hurl some carefully crafted insults at Javi and his stupid gorgeous face, you weren’t exactly up for a full on battle that could result from it. Would it be better to simply go home and ignore your problems a little more?
Once you were only inches from the door was when you started to hear it. At first it sounded muffled, on account of the fact that there was a physical barrier between you and them, and you weren’t quite sure exactly what you heard at first but when you pressed yourself closer to the door you could hear it all clear as day - a woman moaning loudly on the other side, whimpering out Javi’s name and betraying exactly what was going on within the walls of the apartment. You felt your breath hitch in your chest, the world feeling like it was collapsing around you from the very second you realised why he had left early for the day. Unable to stop yourself, you tore yourself away from the apartment door and ran down the hall to your own place, tears falling at a rapid pace that refused to stop. You didn’t know if the woman in there was an informant, or a prostitute, or some random chick he’d picked up in a bar after ditching work for the day. In the end none of it mattered though. All that mattered is that it wasn’t you in there with him, like it used to be, like it should be, and that fact made you hurt all the more fiercely.
Fumbling with the keys to your apartment, you choked on a low sob working your way through the waterfall of tears in your eyes to try and wrestle the key into the lock. Through your haste, you accidentally let them fall loose from your palms and onto the ground, prompting a loud “fuck!” to ring out from your throat, loud enough for everyone in the neighboring apartments to hear. Not like you really cared about that, to be honest. With your hands shaking, you finally managed to throw the door to your apartment open, slamming it back closed with a thud and leaning back against it with your head in your hands, slowly descending to the ground to finally give in to the wave of sorrow threatening to claim you.
You’d known his reputation before you started seeing each other, that he slept with all his informants and chased every woman who crossed his path in Colombia. Actually, it had made you hesitant to get involved with him in the first place but once you two had bitten the bullet and finally admitted your damn feelings for each other, Javier had ceased with his wild ways, becoming solely dedicated to you and you alone. And sure, you two weren’t together anymore, there wasn’t anything stopping him from being with other women. It felt like a deeper twist of the knife though, what you’d heard from behind that door, and it practically confirmed the sickening feeling that had been building in you since the first day back in the office after your breakup, when Javi refused to even look you in the eye and acted as if you’d vanished off the face of the planet. He doesn’t care about me anymore.
Moving on had been that much easier for him. While it took everything in you to get up each day, he was doing absolutely ok. More than ok, if the sounds coming from his apartment were anything to go by. He was even already settling back into his old reputation. You should’ve known it was too good to be true - the manwhore of the DEA, Javier Peña actually wanting to settle down with one woman, actually caring about a girl beyond what she could be in bed. You remembered the raised eyebrows when you two had first gotten together: for most, it just seemed so out of nowhere. You’d ignored them all, remembering all the times you’d be tangled up with Javi on the couch, his head nestled into your neck while your heart raced a mile a minute, hearing every sweet nothing and praise he’d whisper to you. Stupid girl, you should’ve known.
_______
After such a huge revelation, you thought things might’ve changed. In what way they would, you didn’t really know. Maybe the change would be sudden, such as you finally working up enough of a resolve to actually go confront Javier on his shit. Or maybe you’d take a leaf out of his book and start trying to seem like nothing was wrong at all, maybe go out on a few dates with some other guys. One of the Search Bloc guys had been eyeing you up every time he came over with Carillo to talk strategy, maybe you could go out with him. Though you knew it wouldn’t help - unlike Javier, who was actually more than happy with where you two had left things, you weren’t, and acting like it was just to throw it in his face wasn’t really going to work if he didn’t care enough to look over at you in the first place. And even then, the idea of falling into bed with some random man that you didn’t care for all that much in the name of moving on didn’t seem right to you.
Nevertheless, you expected some form of change to happen the morning after when you came into work to see Javier sitting at his desk, on the phone to someone you couldn’t care less about. But nope. Nothing had changed. You sat down and stared across the room at him, just like you’d done every day for the past two weeks, and he ignored your stare to continue with writing something down on his notepad, just like usual.
Maybe the change would be gradual, you thought, staring back over at the man in the midst of your ire with one of your coldest glares. And sure enough, around midday Steve had come up to you asking to retrieve something from the evidence room for him. Apparently he needed to look over something but was too busy with his own work to go fetch it - you knew on some level that his excuse was bullshit as it had been a pretty slow day for all of you but sure, whatever, if it got you out of that room and away from Javi for at least a few blissful moments that was fine by you.
Reaching out for the door to the evidence room, you pushed it open and admitted yourself into the crowded space, twisting around to slam the door shut firmly behind you. Before you were rows of shelves containing every bit of evidence the DEA had accumulated against Escobar - there wasn’t as much as there probably should have been due to the fire that had broken out at the Palace of Justice years before yet the amount contained in that small room was still impressive in size. Moving between the shelves, you scanned the rows of boxes looking for the one Steve had asked for in particular, taking your time with it as there was a small sense of serenity to being in that room. For once it felt like you could breathe. You didn’t have to sit at a desk across from your ex, you didn’t have to go home to your apartment that was literally across the hall from his, you could be alone and not feel suffocated by his ever-present shadow over your life. Though, in some way you supposed, your own memories could still prove just as suffocating as Javier’s own godforsaken presence.
As if by thinking of him you’d magically summoned him, the man himself strode through the door to the evidence room, appearing to be in quite a hurry however once he noticed you were there he stopped, his eyes widening for a fraction of a second before returning to their usual stoic glare. You could barely contain your own disappointment at his sudden appearance, letting your face twist into a low scowl as you watched him walk down the aisle you were standing in, his eyes dashing from row to row searching for any place to look so they could avoid landing on you. Anger bubbled within you, a thousand different sarcastic or otherwise snarky remarks coming to mind that you could throw out at him, every one of them becoming increasingly more scathing the more you thought about it. Letting out a small sigh, you forced yourself to push all those delightful insults to the back of your mind, not wanting to become caught up in any more personal drama than you had to. Get the box and go. It’s that simple. There doesn’t need to be anymore to this.
A minute later your eyes landed on the fabled box you’d been searching for, shoved into a corner and so out of the way you almost missed it completely. You thought of asking Steve what was in the box that he needed so bad when out of nowhere you heard a familiar voice speak up from behind you.
“Listen, I...about what happened on the phone a few weeks ago-”.
So, it seems Mr. Perfectly Fine has finally decided to break his silence. In an instant you twisted yourself around to face him, quickly taking in his serious expression and stiff stature before your eyes met for the first time in two weeks.“Oh, so you’ve finally decided to speak to me now? That’s a first. I thought you were steadfast gonna ignore me for the rest of my life” you spat, not allowing him any form of politeness or decorum in your reply. Why should you? He’d ignored you for weeks. He deserved this.
You watched as Javier tensed at your words, clearly not expecting the bite back that you had given to him. There was some part of his expression that almost looked sheepish in a way, as if he wasn’t quite sure if he really wanted this conversation to happen at all. “I wasn’t ignoring you, I was just-” he started with you rolling your eyes and cutting in almost immediately. “Save it for someone who actually gives a shit. Shouldn’t be hard since you don’t seem to care all too much yourself” you snarled, an action which only made him even more tense.
“I do care, and I kind of always have fucking cared so if you could calm down a little and stop getting yourself worked up we can actually talk about what happened. Can you do that for me at the bare minimum?” he retorted, a harsh edge appearing in his tone that indicated he was already becoming frustrated with your attitude. You knew Javi’s emotions like the back of your hand - he wasn’t a patient man, and he had no time for snark or sarcasm, though only if it was directed at him. When it came to himself, he was more than happy to indulge in a small bit of pettiness. You didn’t much care at that moment though: as far as you were concerned, he lost the right to a civilised discussion when he broke up with you over the phone and then pretended you were invisible for weeks. It’s not like things can get any worse than they are now, right?
“Oh, sure, sure, we can totally talk. How about I start then?” you fired back, every word simmering with venom and dripping raw with sarcastic edge. Crossing your arms, you leaned back against the shelf to take him in, from the creases in his tie to his tired eyes staring straight into you. Wait, tired? You didn’t realise it until then but he had been looking pretty tired lately, almost like he hadn’t been getting enough sleep. Then again, his sleep schedule had never been quite stellar, so that wasn’t totally out of the ordinary. And he was probably up all night with that woman I heard him with, you reminded yourself bitterly. “Look at you, so dignified in your well pressed suit, so smug and self-involved, so far above me in every way, so far above that you won’t even look me in the eye or acknowledge my presence. Tell me, Javier, has it really been that easy to forget about me?” you taunted. “Though I supposed when you’re seducing every whore in Colombia into your bed it would be easy, wouldn’t it?”.
Javier was caught off guard by your remark, not anticipating that you would go so far as to accuse him of returning to his old ways. “First of all, she was an informant, and I had to leave yesterday to go meet up with her. Things ran into overtime and that’s the reason I wasn’t back. I thought you of all people understood that gathering intel is a vital part to the fight against Escobar?” he replied, that last line at the end being delivered with only a little more underlying snip than the rest yet it was more than enough for you to feel around thirty percent more pissed at him.
You scoffed at his lies, your lip curling into a snarl at his attempt at patronising you. “Don’t patronise me. I’m well aware of the ins and outs of this job, in case you’ve forgotten I’ve been working with the DEA for eight years now, which is why I’m calling bullshit on your pathetic excuse for a lie. You do realise we live in the same building right? I know you were doing more than having a friendly discussion with her in there, in fact, I quite literally heard you two through the goddamn walls on my way back home. And before you try to spin some shit about how it was necessary for the case, you and I both know that fucking the informant isn’t a standard part of procedure. You don’t see Murphy bedding any of his sources of intel, do you?”.
“Murphy’s married, princesa” he deadpanned, throwing in that little nickname he had for you that two weeks ago would have made your heart flutter but at this time and in the context he used it only soured your mood further. “That’s besides the point. You’ve been acting like I never even mattered to you at all, and it’s honestly making me wonder if I ever did? Especially since I apparently didn’t deserve the dignity of a proper breakup and got a 27 second phone call instead. Tell me, when did you change your mind? I thought I was supposed to be the one you were waiting for all your life. Guess that was pretty easy to change, wasn’t it?” you snapped.
“Hermosa, can you just fucking listen for one minute?! God, you’re impossible sometimes” Javier shouted, that infamous temper of his rising towards the surface at a rapid rate. It was only a matter of time before he spat something out that he would no doubt regret. In your own haze of anger though, that fact didn’t register with you at all - you only saw red. If you had to scream back at him to finally pull some answers out of the man, then so fucking be it.
“No, how about you listen for once! I know we had that big fight but we could have just talked. The next day when you called me up I was ready to forgive you for being a complete ass. And what did I get instead? ‘I’m sorry, I think we should stop seeing each other’ and a dead dial tone after that. I can tell the only reason you’re apologising today is just so you don’t have to feel like the bad guy in all of this. So what’s the truth? Why were you so ready to throw away a whole relationship over one night of terse words?” you screamed, not caring that you two were at work and anyone could pass by outside and hear you two argue. With the way you both were shouting, you wouldn’t be surprised if the entire building could hear your screaming match with Javier. None of that mattered to you though. The only thing that mattered was the truth.
You weren’t the only one refusing to hold back in any of this: any lingering spark of politeness had vanished in Javi, his eyes turning dark with searing anger you had only seen in him a couple of times before. “You want to know why? You want to fucking know why? It’s because you’re a fucking pain to deal with. You may be a fantastic agent but god you can be so stupid sometimes. You’re too reckless, you throw yourself into danger too willingly with no consideration for anyone else. Did you ever stop to think what would happen to the people who cared about you if you died? Do you even give a shit about the people trying to protect you?” he confessed, fury burning with every word that came out of his mouth, his admittance making you flinch. It was just like he said during your last fight, the one that led to him dumping you in the first place.
Everything he said from that night came rushing back to you, remembering how furious he’d been at you for what had happened during your last raid together. You could see that underneath it all he was concerned for your safety, a gesture that was usually sweet but frustrated you that night as you felt something more akin to a porcelain doll than a capable agent in his eyes. Just because I’m your girlfriend, doesn’t mean you can treat me like I need to be protected. I can handle myself just fine. That was what you’d said to him that night, which should have been the end of it but somehow as the argument went on things got more and more heated that by the time he’d stormed out of your apartment neither of you could remember what had started it all.
What took you by surprise was that apparently he was still stewing about this, for some reason not wanting to believe in your capabilities as an agent and that alone made you more pissed at him. “I don’t need to be protected, Javier. I’m a woman, a DEA agent for crying out loud, not a flower! I’m more than capable of handling myself, I was literally trained for this! Nobody else here seems to have a problem with how I approach things so maybe the issue isn’t my method of attack but the fact that you’re a paranoid asshole?”.
He raised a single eyebrow back at you, looking somewhat skeptical of your claim but more so angry that somehow you two had managed to circle back around to the very thing that had started this whole mess.“Really? Because our last raid you were throwing yourself into the fray as if it were a suicide mission. It was a miracle you only ended up with a minor sprain to the wrist. Those men, the sicario’s, they don’t fucking hold back, one wrong mistake means the difference between life and death” he snapped.“And you know what? After constantly stressing over your safety every minute I was done. If you wanna end up with a bullet between your eyes, be my guest”.
The second those words slipped from his lips, he knew he’d fucked up. As the tears started to form in your eyes you could see him freeze up, his burning temper that had caused him to be so hateful before starting to slowly seep back, replaced with remorse and a hint of panic if you squinted. Although that didn’t matter much right now - his venomous words were rattling around in your brain, acting as a metaphorical hammer that took the final swing towards your damaged heart. Apparently what you heard through the walls the night before hadn’t been enough to break you completely, since there was still enough left of your heart for the rest of it to be shattered by his callous cruelty.
Forcefully swallowing down your cries, you wanted so badly to disappear from the room. You wanted to melt into the floor, to run away and go find one of Escobar’s men and gloat about all you’d done to try to stop him so you could feel the mercy of a fatal gunshot wound to the head. All the pain you had felt previously paled in comparison to the knife that cut you then, the tight feeling of your throat closing with every word you forced out. “So you were lying. You don’t care about me at all. You...you think I’m stupid. And reckless. And...not able to handle being here…”.
“Shit, princesa, that’s not what I meant, I-” Javier started, desperately scrambling to fix the mess he’d caused, however, you weren’t going to let him. He’d made his bed, now he had to lie in it. Any hope he might have had of making things right was now thrown straight out the window. No more chances. Not anymore.
“I think that’s exactly what you meant, Javi. Well, you got your wish I guess. I’ll get out of your life for good” your voice wobbled as you spoke, the next few minutes becoming a blur from when you’d pushed past him and ran out of the evidence room, hearing him call your name behind and not bothering to turn back to face him, running through the halls past different agents and members of the DEA, your hand shielding yourself in a pathetic attempt to save face. Somehow you’d managed to make it out to your car, throwing yourself into the driver's seat and jamming the keys into the ignition, your mind going in a million different directions. Your first thought was to go back home, though you knew that you’d have to hear Javi come back later, probably with yet another woman he picked up. You didn’t exactly have any friends in Colombia - with your line of work there hadn’t been exactly a lot of time to sit around and mingle with people, and truth be told you wanted to avoid people at all costs right then. Without any idea as to where you might be going, or what you were going to do, you pulled your car out of the parking lot and slammed on the gas to get you out of there, the world surrounding you not registering to you anymore and every sound becoming a rush against your ears that you paid no mind to.
One thing was for sure - you weren’t going to give Javier a single drop more of you. Your time, your mind, your energy, your tears, nothing. He’d already proved himself to be a lying sack of shit who didn’t care about you, so as it stood, you wouldn’t care about him either. Like the end of a tragic tale, everything had crashed and burned, and now that you thought about it more, maybe that was how things needed to be.
Goodbye, Mr Perfectly Fine. I’ve been Miss Misery for the last time.
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littleferal’s masterlist 🌙
🌙 refresh the masterlist 🌙
everything i’ve ever written is tagged with #my writing or #lissie writes, but you can also find some forgotten pieces in the #thirsty thursdays tag!
angst = 😢 | explicit = 🔞 | fluff = 🌸 | smut-ish = 💧| violence = 🗡️
All works marked with 🔞 contain explicit adult content and is intended for audiences over the age of eighteen. By continuing to read you agree that you are 18 or older, have read the content and warnings and wish to proceed
🌙 benny miller (triple frontier)
headcanons
sleeping habits, 1k 🌸
set within the poly!boys universe
🌙 din djarin (the mandalorian)
prompts & requests
prompt #5 first kiss, 1.8k 🌸 🗡️
what does your first kiss with the mandalorian look like?
headcanons
sleeping habits, 1k 🌸
oneshots
weightless, 10k 🌸 🔞
you and din find some time to yourselves at a luxury bathhouse.
trust exercises, 4.3k 🔞 🌸
din comes back from a hunt stressed and needing your reassurance.
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the mandalorian takes care of you while you sleep. or was it a dream?
🌙 ezra (prospect)
the weight is love (coming)
“when my time comes around lay me gently in the cold dark earth. no grave can hold my body down, i’d crawl home to her”
the aurelac rush on the Green moon has just started and it seems like the perfect job - get hired, go prospect, mine some aurelac and make enough money to never have to repeat any of it ever again. but living on the fringe’s frontier as a floater has never been that easy.
chapter 1
prompts & requests
prompt #19 domestic life, .6k 🌸
caring for reader when they’re ill, 1k *requested 🌸
headcanons
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oneshots
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you find an old mirror while trading in at an antique store. it sparks an idea in ezra that results in a long night for you both
🌙 frankie morales (triple frontier)
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prompt #15 touching, .8k 🌸
a sleepy afternoon, 1.6k 🌸
drabbles & thots
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frankie gets home late from work but you’ve stayed up waiting for him
pegging frankie thots, 2k 🔞 🌸
what it’s like getting to peg one frankie morales
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you have a low night but frankie’s there to take care of you with some soft loving. t/w depression
🌙 javier peña (narcos)
sweet little lies (coming)
“tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies”
when javier peña mistakes you for a sex worker on a busy night out the truth is difficult to tell. you swear to not repeat the mistake and to tell him honestly if you ever see him again but when it comes to it you don’t. one night turns into another. and another. and the truth only gets harder to get out the deeper your feelings for each other grow.
prologue
oneshots
let me baby (coming) 🔞
prompts & requests
waking up next to javi in the middle of the night, 1k 🌸
summer evening with javi, 1k 🌸
🌙 pero tovar (the great wall)
say you’ll haunt me (coming)
“forgetting how it started, this is how it ends”
a new city was meant to bring you a new start, but you should have known better than to think there was any running away from who you are. after all, the world is full of ghosts and as a mediator it’s your job to help them move on. although the ghost that haunts your new apartment isn’t all bad. modern day mediator!au
chapter 1
🌙 agent whiskey (kingsman ii)
oneshots
nebraska, 4.3k 🌸 💧 a birthday ficlet for @scribbledghost
a look at life with jack after the wanderlust series ends
🌙 group series
first time sleeping* together (*of the non sexy, but very soft, variety)
din, 1.5k 🌸
ezra, 1.6k 😢
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javier, 1k 😢 🌸
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defensive *requested
ezra, 1k 🗡️
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javier, 1k, 🗡️ pt ii (coming)
a bad date. *requested
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the boys taking their sweet sweet time, 1.3k 🔞
aftercare, 1.3k 🌸 ��
sharing a bed, 1.1k 🌸 💧
public displays of affection, 1.7k 🌸
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🌙 requested headcanons
all headcanons are written with the og 5 characters (din, ezra, frankie, javier & whiskey) unless it says otherwise. send all your requests in here
finding out/watching reader pole dance, 1.8k 🌸 💧
hugs, 2.8k 🌸 💧
casual intimacies, 2.4k 🌸 + version 2 w/ max, marcus & tovar 🌸
pictures they keep of you, 3.8k 🌸 🔞
reader having a higher sex drive, 2k 💧
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s/o having a depressive episode, 2.6k 🌸 😢
w/ an s/o who doesn’t communicate about orgasms, .7k 🌸 💧
aftercare for a *feral* night, 1.8k 🌸 💧
love poetry, 1k 🌸
job anxieties, 1.7k 🌸 😢
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matching pjs/underwear with s/o, 1k 🌸 💧
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taking control with facesitting, .9k 🔞
frankie cumming untouched, <.5k 🔞
ezra is a pussy spitter and din would give you anything, 1k 🔞
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carrying you to bed (while still in you) w/ javi & frankie, 1.7k 🔞
frankie makes you laugh during sex, <.5k 🔞
as always, you can come talk to me about anything and everything :)
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Golden
A/N: Totally not requested nor necessary, but yeah... It’s angst hours and I’ve been missing my favorite DEA grump. So here we are, it’s nothing much, more like a quick character study. Enjoy!
Pairing: Javier Pena x Reader
Word Count: 2.5k
Warnings: None
Javier Masterlist
Main Masterlist
»»————- ♡ ————-««
The air in the small tavern was thick and heavy, perfumed with cheap alcohol and tobacco, it felt suffocating. Despite the fact that cool autumn days had finally arrived and all the windows were wide open, it felt warm, too warm, and it was driving you insane.
Maybe it was the fact that you were getting a headache; between the lack of sleep and water, surviving only on coffee and the half empty cheap beer in front of you, you were surprised you were still alive. Even if it was just barely.
Or maybe it was the glaring fact that Javier wasn’t there. He was late, very late, which was very unlike him. You shouldn’t be worried; he was a man grown and able to handle his business. But he was a man of intrigue and polar opposites when it came down to his core essence.
He could be punctual, but then he could be late and straying in like it was no matter. He was gruff and harsh, a man not to be trifled with, but you had never known a more gentle lover. At night he could be cold and distant, but in your arms he was close and all consuming. He knew right from wrong, often more aware of the difference than most, but he walked a thin line that became increasingly blurred at times. He was all business, but remained kind and gentle, those brown eyes holding a million different emotions at once.
He was golden.
And still late. Ten, then twenty, then thirty minutes, and even an hour late. When it came to you it was almost unheard of you. He would never make you wait.
As you swirled the foamy, almost neon yellow liquid around in the bottle, you let a long, heavy sigh. Tapping your fingers on the dirty, sticky tabletop, you quickly came to the conclusion that Javi wasn’t coming. For one reason or another.
And you hoped it was a good one.
After leaving the office for the evening, you’d briefly parted ways, telling him you wanted to go home and freshen up before your very lowkey date night. Now that you were thinking back on it...there was something about him that had been different - off - today.
Not just today but...lately.
Fuck.
How had you not noticed earlier? Between this and that and every little problem that popped up and trying to wrangle in Feistl and Van Ness, your mind had been going a million miles a minute. And apparently none of those minutes had included enough Javier.
You should have known; you should have paid more attention. He was not just your friend, your partner, but your lover. The one that was your home, the one that you had seen every part and parcel of your soul, the one that was there for you no matter what.
And you hadn’t been there for him.
Shoving the beer bottle out of the way, you almost ran out of the disparate bar, and into the cool of the evening. The world already felt better outside of the dingy place and while your chest was still constricted and tight, you already felt better. Luckily for you, the place was close to the apartment building you and Javier lived in, and, thanking your lucky stars, you’d bypassed heels and opted for trainers.
By the time you reached the building and had run up the flights of stairs to his, your heart felt like it was about to burst out of your chest and your legs were on fire. You hadn’t let yourself stop, the singular thought on your mind was Javi, Javi, Javi.
Outside his door, you stopped for a moment, attempting in vain to see if you could hear anything on the other. But there was nothing; only deafening silence. Stopping yourself from knocking, you fished his spare key out from your purse, sliding it into the lock and quietly opening the door.
The apartment was quiet and dark, save for the faint bits of dismal yellow light you saw filtering out from his bedroom. A small sound of relief escaped your lips as you realized if nothing else, he was home safe.
Locking the door behind you, you shrugged off your jacket and tossed it onto the couch before inhaling sharply and squaring your shoulders. Why were you so nervous all of a sudden? This was Javier after all; not a complete stranger.
“Javier?” your voice was soft, almost sound unlike you as you started walking towards the end of the hall. It barely looked like he had been home, things were untouched, left in the same state as when you had left in the morning, making sure to arrive separately to work, just in order to avoid more suspicion than necessary. Everybody knew, you knew they knew, but till...why push the envelope when you didn’t need to and all eyes were on you, scrutinizing your every move anyway.
Nothing but tense silence met your ears, causing you to swallow thickly as you trailed your fingers along the wall. They were empty besides a few photos of you and Javier over the past few years. It was like a dirty little secret, one known to only you and Javier, away from the harsh and cruel realities of the world. The one on the end was your favorite; it was one of the few candids you had managed to get of Javier, a smile on his face and his eyes all crinkled up in the way that made your heart melt, his dark locks blowing in the wind. You wished that side of him came out more often; you’d make it a to try your best to bring out that megawatt smile as much as you could.
“Javi?” you called softly as you gingerly pushed open the bedroom door the rest of the way. It sounded like you felt; creaking and aching, crying out for something. As you entered the familiar space, it almost shocked you with how familiar everything seemed; eight now it felt like you were in another world, “love?”
For some reason, due to the quiet intensity of this evening, you almost didn’t expect to find him in the room at all. But he was there.
He was there and for once he wasn’t occupying every part of the room; he was small, diminutive. He was almost hunched in on himself, sitting on the edge of the bed with a glass of whiskey cradled almost delicately in his hands that he barely touched. An empty pack of cigarettes sat next to him, suggesting he had been there for some time. But the worst part of it all? He didn’t even move, not even slightly, to turn and look at you.
“Javier,” you rushed over to him, quickly dropping to your knees in front of him as your hands instinctively reached for his face. But unlike almost every single other time, he didn’t let you touch him, he flinched away, as if your touch was venom. Your breath caught in your throat as you held up your hands in the air, almost as if admitting silent, heartbreaking defeat, “J-Javi?”
“Don’t.”
It was a single, earth shattering word.
Your mouth dropped open, lips trembling as you tried to process what was going on.
“Javier-”
“Stop,” he insisted as he brought the glass to his lips and quickly downed it before absentmindedly tossed on the bed, not caring what happened to it, “please.”
“What...what’s going on?”
“I can’t...I can’t do this,” it was a simple state, said without feeling and clinging to every part of you like thick, sickly sweet pollen. Javier kept his gaze trained at the wall, pointedly avoiding making every contact with you.
But he didn’t have to expand. Even without expanding further, you both knew precisely what he was referring to. Your eyes, already tired from the long days burned and stung with warm, salty tears as you tried to figure out what, if anything, to do.
Your mind, normally wicked sharp and cunning, failed. It faltered just like your heart felt like it was starting to do.
Instead, you remained still, perched on your knees as you silently cried and he breathed heavily, in and out, in and out, steady, strong, deadly.
But after some time he couldn’t take it any longer, he couldn’t bear to hear you quietly sniffle and cry any more, he stood up and walked to the door.
“I think you should go,” his voice was emotionless, steeled and rough as though he had rehearsed this in his mind many times over. His hand was on the knob as you rose to your feet and stormed over to him. You wanted to fight, you wanted to scream, to demand answers, to demand something. But there was just...nothing.
Instead you stared at him, trying to decipher his expression. His face was tired...worn out. Almost like he just couldn’t…
“Why?” your voice broke and cracked on the single syllable as you hastily wiped away at the tears, “tell me why.”
“Please just go,” he seemed to struggle with each word but he kept his gaze away from you. You hoped this was hard for him, you hoped it would twist and twist and burn like a knife being plunged into his heart. Just like you felt right now. Gods, you still wanted him to fight you, and part of you wished you could fight back.
But for some reason...you didn’t have resolve. Almost like you knew this had been coming; almost like you knew this would happen eventually. But you didn’t; you just wept like a broken hearted fool as you willed him to at least look at your one more time.
“Why?” you repeated as he jerked the door open further, “tell me.”
“There’s a plane ticket with your name on it on your kitchen table,” his voice was gravely and thick; not the normal rich tone when you made love, but different; distinct - harsh, “you’re going back tomorrow.”
“What!?” the words crashed around your ears like a horrible cacophony of sounds as you gaped at him. Surely this was a cruel wicked joke, one that you made him beg you to forgive. But when he didn’t laugh, he didn’t even offer up the slightest bit of emotion, nothing, you knew it wasn’t a joke. No, it was your whole world shattering around, bit by broken bit.
And you didn’t even have a single say in it.
He had made sure of that.
There was no point in arguing; at the end of the day he was your boss, and if you bothered sidestepping him, it would just end in the same result. This was done; over and decided without you getting a single word in. It was calculated from the beginning; this was why he had disappeared over the last several weeks.
You should have known.
You should have fucking known.
“Go,” but he didn’t have to say anything further as you stormed past him. But as you did so, you made it a point to tear down every single picture on his walls, letting them clatter to the ground as the glass shattered.
Just like your heart.
Just like your dreams.
Just like your love.
When you reached the door, you paused, your hand on the knob.
You turned back to him, wishing and wanting him to finally meet your eyes and say I’m sorry or...something.
But he didn’t. He wasn’t in your line of sight anymore. He was just gone - gone.
“I hate you, Javier,” you wished you could have meant the words, that they could have held some weight. But instead it was weak and pathetic. A lie to the bitter end.
You slammed the door as loudly as possible on the way, uncaring about who heard or what scene it caused.
Nothing mattered; it was all over anyway.
A life without Javier was no life at all.
As Javier listened to you storm to the door side of the building before slamming your own door, he let out a long shaky breath. Reaching for the whiskey bottle, he didn’t even bother with the glass, instead opening it up and downing half of it one go.
When he was done, he threw it against the wall, let it smash and shatter just like the pictures that were nothing but distant memories.
This was supposed to be easy, supposed to be the right thing to do.
For you.
To protect you. To show you just how damn much he loved you.
Instead it had resulted in this.
It wasn’t meant to be like this. Never.
And now….what was the point? There was no point. Without you, there was no point to anything.
You were just too much. Too bright for him to bring down and drag to his level, too good and pure for him to mark up and scar. You’d been through much, and he’d shielded you from more. But it just...it was too much.
This was what he had to do. Right? Right? Right.
Maybe one day he would understand that.
Maybe one day you would too. He didn’t care if you never forgave him; but if you were safe and breathing that was everything to him.
You were just too golden for him. For this world - his world.
Too golden.
»»————- ♡ ————-««
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#javier pena#javer pena x reader#javier peña x reader#javier peña#narcos#pedro pascal#pedro pascal x reader
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Top 5 Characters in ANF Who Would’ve Made Better Love Interests Than Kate
There are a lot of mixed opinions on TWDG: A New Frontier. Some people like it, some don’t, and some people hate it so much that they refuse to accept as canon in the series. Extreme? Yeah, but hey, to each their own.
One thing that always bothers me when I do my replay of the series and this game is how much Kate is forced on us and even kinda punishes us for not romancing her. Like, no offense, but I’m not really interested in dating my sister-in-law, especially when her husband is actually alive, and even if she wasn’t my brother’s wife, she’s still not a character I have chemistry with, y’know?
And every time I play, I can’t help but think that almost anyone else in ANF would’ve been a better romantic interest for Javi over Kate, so I decided to make that the list for this week.
I would’ve loved more choices and for the game to actually show Javi’s canon bisexuality outside of a flirty line with Jesus that most players didn’t even pick. Just sayin’.
I do want to note that if you enjoy the romance with Kate and the relationship between her and Javi, that’s totally cool. Just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean you can’t ship them, y’know? I’m not here to try to change your mind or tell you you’re bad for shipping something I don’t because I’m not a dingus. You do what makes you happy, friend. :)
Besides, going off the stats, a majority of players romanced her so if anything, I’m the weirdo. This list is just for fun!
Before we start, just wanna say a big thank you to @pi-creates for helping out with this one! Really appreciate it! Now, here are my top 5 characters who, in my opinion, would’ve made better love interests for Javier than Kate.
5. Jane if the writers didn’t turn her into a dead potato
Oh man, you should see your face right now.
Wait, wait, stop! Before you click outta here in a huff with your “Kenny good Jane bad” grunts and come yell at me, just hear me out-- this entry is mostly a joke and the other four on this list are serious, okay?
I needed someone to put at #5 and after talking over some options and going back and forth.... Jane came up as a joke and then kind of made the list. Because really, I thought about it. I was like, “Would I really rather have dingdong “whatever happens stay out of it” potato face Jane as a love interest over Kate? Do I dislike Kate as an option that much?” and Pi and I talked about this for a while and yeah.... yeah I would actually.
When I said anyone but Kate, I guess I really meant anyone.
Trust me, I know, I’m just as surprised. I guess this really says a lot about my feelings for Kate. I didn’t know I disliked her this much either.
But for fun, let’s entertain this idea of the writers NOT pulling the ol’ character assassination on Jane and she made it to Richmond with Clementine and AJ because--
Jane: "One time I ate glass because I was drunk and thought it was sugar."
Javier: "I gambled on my own baseball matches and disgraced myself for money."
Jane: “Well, I dragged my little sister around with me after everything went to shit until I finally gave her what she wanted and left her to die.”
Javier: “I wasn’t there when my dad was fighting cancer and when I finally showed up, I was too late and he was already dead, then he turned and I bashed his skull in with a piece of wood.”
Jane: “I shot a dude’s dick off once.”
Javier: “Oof. I insulted an old lady’s cake and then shot her eye out.”
Jane: “I screwed a guy when I was supposed to be securing a place for some lady to have her baby and it resulted in the death of a teenage girl.”
Javier: “I screwed my brother’s wife.”
Jane: “...”
Javier: “In my defense, I thought he was dead.”
Jane: “That’s fair.”
Clementine, exasperated and emo: “Oh my god.”
....I mean... we might be onto something here, c’mon--
Okay, now onto the more legit entries.
4. Conrad
Now listen... I know, okay? I know. I know this one can be seen as a bit problematic considering the fact that Conrad, in his grief and anger over Francine’s death, held a gun to Gabe’s head and threatened Javi and Clementine.... plus Javi can literally murder him.
...and if you don’t do anything, Conrad with murder both Gabe and Javi and you’ll get a “YOU ARE DEAD” screen...
But we don’t talk about that because it’s not canon.
I know, but listen... I’m allowed to have ships that are difficult, as are you, and this is my list so... there.
If Conrad was a love interest that’s the route I’d take because I love him and I think a relationship between him and Javi could’ve been so damn good if properly done.
I just find Conrad to be an interesting character with a great arc that you only get to see if you don’t shoot him... which is what most people did, so they missed out. And like, I get it, I get why y’all shot him but maybe next time you play, you could consider not doing that?
So here’s the thing, Javi and Conrad share something-- they both lost loved ones because of shithead Badger. Javi is heartbroken after Mariana’s death, Conrad is devastated after Francine’s death, and they both handle that in different ways. Conrad becomes so focused on revenge and getting into Richmond, that he’s willing to threaten two kids in order to get what he wants but the thing is... that’s not him.
He even says so himself when you keep him alive-- he genuinely apologizes for what happened and will end up coming back to save Javi’s life in ep4. The potential for this to work as a relationship? It’s there... the only problem is that my confidence in the writers handling something like this is low, but let’s pretend they used their time and brains wisely-- ya got yourself a classic slow-burn friends to enemies to friends again to lovers romance and I’m here for it.
3. Paul “Jesus” Monroe
A lot of people really like the idea of Javi and Jesus and wanted him to be a romantic option, and I don’t blame them. They have chemistry in the scenes they share, and Javi can straight up flirt with him at the end of the season, and it’s super cute... of course, I wish we had more but Telltale was too scared to actually show Javi’s bisexuality outside of that one line, I guess.
But, anyway, this ship has a lot of sweet fanart that we love to see.
The only real reason he isn’t higher on the list is that Jesus is apparently already in a relationship at this point? I guess? From what I’ve been told? Listen, I don’t read the comics, I don’t watch the show, I just go off what y’all tell me. Plus, I believe Kent joked about Jesus having someone in each community during the commentaries so like... that’s a thing?
But let’s pretend that we throw that all out and Jesus is single and ready to be in a committed relationship with our boy Javier here. Like I mentioned above, these characters have a believable chemistry from the moment they meet and I think that has a lot to do with how charming they are by themselves. Those different charms work well together.
I also enjoy how much of a badass Jesus is when it comes to fighting off walkers. Javi has a lot of force that you feel with each hit, while Jesus almost has a lighter but just as impactful hit? I dunno if I’m explaining that well-- basically, Javi strong but Jesus can bounce off walls and do cool shit with weapons that feels effortless.
It’s a combo of fighting styles that I love, so these two fighting together? *chef kiss*
There’s also Jesus’ morality and how he wants to see Javier make “good” decisions, y’know? Sure, he gets pissy if you murder the shit outta Badger, which is mostly just Telltale showing you consequences, but I get it. He sees a lot of potential in Javi, more than Javi himself sees. And unlike certain characters, Jesus doesn’t completely hate you for doing something he doesn’t agree with to a frustrating degree.
If the game gave us the option to pursue Jesus as a love interest, he and Javier would’ve been such a badass couple with a sweet romance.
2. Eleanor
This one might come as a surprise to those of you who know my feelings about Eleanor... as in, I don’t like her. I never forgave her for the shit she pulled in ep4/ep5, and now every time I replay ANF and she shows up? Well, all I really hear is the hissing of a snake.
But, putting those feelings aside and looking at her from a different perspective, I do believe that she would’ve made for a better love interest than Kate assuming that if you romanced her, she wouldn’t rat everyone out to Joan, y’know?
Hell, most people believed that Eleanor was going to be the second option with Kate back when the episodes were coming out, and for good reason. The chemistry is there in the flirting, and their relationship could’ve been super cute.
Of course, Eleanor being a love interest also comes with things becoming awkward with Tripp, but c’mon-- as awkward as pursuing a relationship with your sister-in-law and never telling your brother after finding out he’s alive? Nah, I don’t think so.
Plus, for the first three episodes, Eleanor’s not a bad character. In fact, she’s pretty damn likable, she deeply cares for the group and wants to use her medical skills for good.
And you can tell through the dialogue that she and Javi are fond of one another... well, I guess until they shove the Kate thing in our faces and suddenly Eleanor’s like “oh, I thought you two were a thing??” like... Eleanor, we were flirting and I totally rejected all of Kate’s advances last episode I mean??
If she were a love interest, instead of turning on us, she would... y’know, not do that and instead help us out. We have a couple cute moments like back in ep1 where she’s patching Javi up but this time with a smooch? Super cute.
1. Tripp
Okay but seriously, why wasn’t Tripp a love interest?
He’s the perfect option. I just-- uuuughhhhh.
They already have a great believable bromance, so why not take it a step further and make it an official romance? Oh wait, that’s right, ya gotta kill off 95% of your determinant characters, I forgot. Sorry Tripp.
Well, fuck that. Out of all the other adult characters, Javi has the most chemistry with this man. I believe them more than I believe him and Kate. Sure, they got off to a rocky start the progression of their relationship felt natural with every episode.
That scene where Tripp is confiding in Javi about his feelings for Eleanor? And in turn, Javi can confide in him about Kate? One of my favorite scenes. I only wish there was an option to tell Tripp he can do much better and set the path for the romance.
Seriously, I’d probably feel more okay about the romance with Kate if Tripp were the second option. That way, Kate wouldn’t be so forced onto the player, the writers confirming Javi’s bisexuality on Twitter or whatever wouldn’t feel like they were trying to earn points without actually showing representation, and we would’ve gotten the beauty that is Javier and Tripp.
Also, then Tripp could make it to the end without dying that dumb death of his that no one likes.
And if I haven’t convinced you yet, then look at these swaps Pi did--
--and tell me they aren’t fucking perfect?? You can’t, because look at them.
Where’s my Tripp route, Telltale??
---
Honorable Mentions
-If I wasn’t sticking to just ANF characters, Luke probably would’ve made the list because that’s apparently a popular combo and I dig it.
-Pudding... because Javi fucking loves pudding.
-Honestly Max probably would’ve been a better love interest than Kate oof--
---
So, whattya think? Do you agree with this top 5 or nah? Do you have a favorite Javi ship? Let me know, I’d love to hear from you. :D
Next week’s T5F
Top 5 Times Lee was the Absolute Best
#twdg t5f#twdg javi#twdg javier#twdg kate#twdg gabe#twdg mariana#twdg clementine#twdg tripp#twdg conrad#twdg eleanor#twdg jane#twdg kenny#twdg jesus
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The Guilty (Javier x Reader) {MTMF}
Title: The Guilty
Rating: PG-13
Length: 3100
Warnings: Mild Angst. Medical Triggers ( loss of consciousness and discussion about pre-eclampsia, etc.)
Notes: You can find the Maybe Today, Maybe Forever Timeline here. Set in March 1997. Part two in the “big angst arc”. There’s a POV switch midway through for obvious reasons.
Summary: Reader follows her gut.
Taglist: @grapemama @seawhisperer @huliabitch @pedropascalito @rogrsnbarnes@thewallpapergoesorido @twomoonstwosuns @gooddaykate @livasaurasrex @ham4arrow@hiscyarika @plexflexico @readsalot73 @hdlynn @lokiaddicted @randomness501@fioccodineveautunnale @roxypeanut @just-add-butter @snivellusim@amarvelousmandalorian @lukesrighthand @historynerd04 @mrsparknuts@synystersilenceinblacknwhite @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead @exrebelshocktrooper@awesomefandomsunited @ah-callie @swhiskeys @lady-tano @beskar-droids @space-floozy @ct-arc-5555 @cable-kenobi
At noon you made your way down to the records room where Lieutenant Ableman had put the intern. Javier had been hesitant about you asking Monica what she knew about the rumor, but… you had to know. If the rumor was loud enough to make its way to the dean’s office, then it was loud enough for the students to be fully aware of it.
“You know,” You started, leaning against the doorframe as you watched Monica sort through a stack of files and put each one into the appropriate banker boxes. “I had a sweet gig when I was sixteen helping process evidence at my town’s tiny ass police department.”
Monica startled a little, dropping the folder she was holding. “Shit! Hey! How long have you been there?”
“Couple minutes.” You laughed. “Just thinking.”
“How have you’ve been?” Monica asked with a hesitant smile. “You’re due soon, right?”
You shrugged a shoulder as you rested your hand on your stomach, “Still got a few months to go.” You walked further into the record’s room, leaning down to pick up a stray file that had fallen. “How are your classes going?”
“I’m in this finite math class that is killing me.” Monica answered, making a face. “I was told it would be easier, but… C means complete, right?”
You chuckled, “I’ve heard that somewhere.” You moved to sit down, feeling the slightest inertia from bending over. That was happening far too often lately. “I’ve heard a lot of things lately.”
“Oh?”
You inhaled and exhaled slowly, trying to ignore the sensation of being able to feel the world spinning around you. “A couple weeks ago I heard about this crazy rumor at the university.”
“What was it?” Monica stared at you, looking a little nervous.
“Oh, just that Javier was cheating on me with a student, which…” You laughed humorlessly. “Is hilarious, because I have that man by the balls.”
“I—.” Monica shook her head. “I haven’t heard anything about that. I think the whole class knows that Javier loves you. I mean his office is practically a shrine to you.”
“I know.”
Monica swallowed thickly. “I should… I have a lot to finish before my night classes.”
You weren’t about the let up, “Why are you so nervous, Monica?”
“I’m not nervous.” She shot back too quickly. “Look, I’m really sorry about this rumor or whatever… I’m sure it’ll blow over.”
“Or Javier will lose his job.” You rubbed at the center of your forehead, trying to soothe the throbbing headache forming there. “I mean, a rumor like that could destroy someone’s career.”
Monica put the cardboard lid on the banker box with a little more force than necessary. “I really… I haven’t heard anything.” She didn’t meet your eyes.
“Look, you’re a nice kid Monica…” You offered her a small smile. “I’m not accusing you. I just want to know what you know. And I think you know more than you’re telling me.”
You started to stand back up, fingers gripping at the filing cabinet beside you for support. Shit.
Your pulse was throbbing in your ears. You could feel it in your throat, down your arms.
Fuck.
“Monica…”
“Hey. Hey.” She grabbed your arm to support you. “I’m here.”
You clenched your eyes closed, trying to ignore the way that the world was closing in on you. Everything felt like it was in a tunnel. Voices — distant and kind of tinny sounding. Your lips felt numb, your words slurred and mouth full of cotton. It felt like pins and needles up and down your body.
“Call Javi.” You managed to think or maybe say… just before everything stopped.
——
Everything stopped the moment Javier got the call. He wasn’t even entirely certain how he ended up at the hospital — the period between the phone call and arriving at the hospital was a blur. He vaguely remembered swearing at a red light for lasting too long — he definitely went through it.
“Mr. Peña, right this way.” A nurse said as she guided him through the emergency room, back to her room. “The doctor will be with you both shortly.”
Javier’s heart clenched as he looked at the hospital bed, meeting her eyes. She looked awful. They had her hooked up to oxygen and she had an IV. “Hey baby.”
“Hi, Javi.” She said quietly, his voice half of what it usually was.
His gaze flickered to the woman sitting beside her bed. Monica. She jumped up quickly, gesturing to the chair she’d been sitting in. “Here, Professor Peña… I’m so…” She looked between the two of them. “I’ll just go.”
“I have questions.” Javier said, his jaw clenched tight. “Do you mind waiting in the waiting room?”
Monica clasped her hands together. “Of course… Yeah.” She looked towards the hospital bed. “I’m so… I’m so sorry.”
“What are you—”
“Just let her go, Javi.” She whispered, gesturing for Monica to leave.
“What the hell is going on?” Javier questioned, his hands on his hips. Before he grabbed the chair and pulled it closer to her bedside. “Baby… you gave me a fucking heartattack.”
“You and me both.” She breathed out, reaching out for his hand. “I was terrified.”
Javier squeezed her hand tightly, lifting it to his lips. “Have the doctors talked to you?”
“A little.” She sank back against the bed. “They took some blood.” She said, lifting her arm to show off the bandage. “I guess they need to check kidney and liver function.”
Javier stood up, leaning over the bed to press a kiss to her forehead. “It’s your blood pressure, isn’t it?” He questioned, brushing his knuckles against her cheek. “Baby.”
“Yeah.” She grimaced a little. “I’m actually fortunate I was down in records with Monica. She… saved me.” She swallowed thickly. “She knows something. I don’t know what, but… that girl is guilty.”
“I told you not to.” Javier shook his head, trying to keep his voice steady. “You’re supposed to be keeping your stress levels low. And what? You decided to start questioning my students about this bullshit rumor and now you’re in the fucking hospital.”
“Javier.” She shot him a look. “I passed out. It happens.”
Javier dragged his fingers through his hair, taking a step away from the bed and turning his back on her. He was so fucking pissed and he didn’t know who to be pissed out. He couldn’t be pissed at her — even though she’d done exactly what he had told her not to do. He wanted to be pissed at Monica if she was behind the fucking rumor. He’d been so lenient with her — late work, missed classes…
His fingers curled into fists at his side and he shook his head slowly. He so fucking angry.
“Javi.” She whispered. “Come here.”
“I’m fine.”
“I’m the one in the hospital bed, I get to call the shots. Come here.”
Javier’s shoulders sank as he turned around to face her. “I thought I was going to lose you.”
“You didn’t.”
“I get a call that you’re in the hospital unconscious and you don’t think I’m going to lose my mind, baby?” He dragged a hand over his face and looked away. “I can’t fucking lose you. I can’t.”
“You’re not going to lose me.”
Javier paced the short distance he could in the room. “What the fuck does she know?” He questioned, stopping at the foot of the bed. “Is she the one spreading the rumors? I swear to God if it is—”
The door opened slowly and the doctor stepped inside. “Bad time?”
She sat up in bed and shook her head slowly. “My partner’s under a lot of stress at work.”
“Stress that seems to be rubbing off on you,” The doctor’s brows raised suggestively. “I’m Dr. Smith,” She offered, shaking both of their hands. “If you’d like to sit Mr. Peña we can talk about what happened and how we can prevent this from getting worse.”
“Of course.” Javier mumbled, ducking his head as he moved to sit back down in the chair beside her bed. He reached for her hand, interlacing their fingers. “Is she going home today?”
“She is.” Dr. Smith smiled warmly. “With a number of changes, however. Fetal heartbeat is strong, I’m not concerned about the baby's health right now. Mom’s health is my primary concern. You came in here with a blood pressure that was 150/90. That’s a dangerous level for anyone, but especially while pregnant.”
“So, what do we do?” Javier questioned.
“A whole lot of nothing.” Dr. Smith answered with a levity-offering chuckle. “You’re going to have to stay at home. I’m prescribing you to remain on bed rest for the remainder of your pregnancy.”
“Are you fucking serious?” She grumbled, sinking back against the pillows.
“Yes. I know it’s inconvenient, but it’s necessary. If your blood pressure remains high, you’re at much higher risk for strokes, seizures, and placental abruption. The last thing we want to do is have to induce labor early. Everything looks great with baby, it’s just you we’re worried about right now.”
“When will we get the results back from the tests? You took blood, right?” Javier questioned.
“In a few hours. We’re just going to keep her for observation for a few more hours. Get that blood pressure down. You’ll be home tonight.” Dr. Smith answered, offering both of them a small smile. “Do you have any questions?”
“Will the delivery be more difficult?” She questioned, rubbing her stomach. “I didn’t have any problems with Josie.”
“I’m not going to rule that out,” The doctor explained. “Your obstetrician will be best able to answer that. Where did you deliver?”
“In Colombia.” She answered. “But I didn’t have any issues like this and that… was stressful.”
Javier scraped his teeth over his bottom lip as he looked between the doctor and her. The mere mention of Colombia had his own blood pressure spiking. This was all his fault. She was laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to wires all because of him.
“I need to…” Javier drew in a shaky breath. “Shit. Josie... “ He raked his hand over his face as he stood up suddenly. “Daycare. I need to call Steve.”
“Are you alright, Mr. Peña?”
It was all his fault.
“I need to call someone to pick up our daughter.” Javier looked towards her then. God, she looked so weak. So pale.
The doctor said something to him as he left the hospital room, but he was gone before he could make it out. He headed down the corridor, retracing the path the nurse had led him along, heading out the double doors that led to the waiting room.
He headed for the payphone, fishing a couple quarters out of his pocket.
Steve offered to pick her up and bring her to the hospital. They both figured Josie might make her mother feel a little better. She was a cuddle monster whenever she knew someone wasn’t feeling well.
It was his fault she wasn’t feeling well.
He was the stupid fucking selfish idiot who had wanted another try. He was the one that had wanted another kid to make up for all of the shit he missed out on in Colombia.
Javier slammed the phone back into the cradle before bringing his fist down against the top of the box. He was so fucking angry at himself. They had Josie — why couldn’t she be enough for him? Why had he wanted to have another child? To put her at risk.
And she was at risk.
“Professor Peña?”
He tensed, slowly turning to look at Monica. “Why are you still here?”
“She asked… I can go?”
“Don’t you have classes?”
Monica swallowed thickly and lowered her gaze to the ground. “I feel awful about what happened. She just… she was asking me about the rumors and…” She shook her head. “I didn’t know she was having trouble with her pregnancy. I didn’t know.”
Javier narrowed his eyes. “What did you do?”
“I didn’t do anything!” She looked up then. “I didn’t… mean to. But it was so much money and…”
“What?”
Monica glanced over her shoulder warily. “After work one day. The internship.” She gulped a little, looking like she was actually about to cry. “He had a badge.”
His jaw rocked as he stared her down. “Who had a badge?”
“Someone with the Drug Enforcement Administration.” Her cheeks flushed with shame and she stared at the ground. “I’m so sorry. But it was so much money and I…”
It felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice on him.
The motherfucking DEA?
“What the fuck did they tell you to do?”
Monica took a step back, “To start the rumor.”
“Why?” Javier questioned, fingers clenched at his sides.
“I don’t know.” Monica admitted. “It was ten thousand dollars. You have no idea how much I needed it… I couldn’t say ‘no’.”
He took a step backwards.
The article. It all had to do with that goddamn article. His idea.
“I need…” Javier bit down on the inside of his cheek hard enough to taste blood. “I need to go sit with her. I need to…” He flexed his jaw, turning away then. “I can’t fucking do this right now.” He didn’t even look back at her, he headed straight back into the emergency room, back to her room, back to her bedside.
She was asleep. Whatever they’d given her to help calm down had clearly knocked her out. She needed the rest. He knew she hadn’t been sleeping well — not since the start of the rumor. Not since he gave her those five fucking envelopes.
All of it. All of this.
It was all his fault.
There was a clock on the wall that was ticking. Each second growing louder.
This was his punishment.
All those people. The people he failed. People who died. The people he wasn’t able to save.
“Javi.” She whispered beside him, reaching out to touch his face. “What’s wrong?”
“Just rest, baby.” He pleaded quietly.
“You look like you need to be admitted too.” She smiled at him. “Babe, I’m fine. My blood pressure is just high. I fainted. I’ll be home in a few hours.”
“But what if you’re not fine? What if this…” He clenched his jaw and shook his head.
“And what if you got shot in Colombia? Don’t treat me like a fucking flower over ‘what ifs’, Javier.” She pulled her hand away from his face and rubbed at her forehead. “You know how much I hate being treated like an invalid.”
“I don’t want to do this right now.” Javier shook his head. “I want to get you home and then… we can talk about everything. What we’re going to do…”
“It was Monica wasn’t it? My gut was right, wasn’t it?”
Javier stared at her, before nodding his head slowly. “Yeah.” He laughed bitterly. “It wasn’t just Monica… it was the fucking DEA.”
Something beeped on one of her monitors.
“Just my pulse. It slipped off my finger.” She assured him, readjusting the clip on her forefinger. “What do you mean it was the DEA?”
“You need to relax, baby.” Javier reached out and rested his hand on her stomach, his other reaching for her hand. “We can talk about this at home. When you’re not… hooked up to fucking wires.” He sat back and pressed the heel of his palm against his forehead. “This is fucking bullshit.”
“Javi.”
“We’re not doing this.” He stood up, hands on his hips. “I’m not losing you.”
She held her hand out, “Come back here. You have to keep your shit together for Josie, Javier. You can’t be freaking out like this.”
“It’s all my fault.” Javier let the words slip out of his mouth.
There was a knock on the door before it opened to reveal Dr. Smith on the other side again. “Good news.” She said with a hesitant smile. “Your organs look good, but we are still concerned with your blood pressure. We can bring it down if you keep your stress levels down—” She gave Javier a pointed look. He knew he was red in the face, still fuming from everything. “I’m going to send you home with a prescription for anticonvulsants.”
“What does that do?” Javier questioned.
“It’ll stave off seizures. She hasn’t had one yet, that we know of. But with her blood pressure range, it's potential. They help prevent them. But rest will be best.” The doctor looked towards her bed then. “We can get a letter sent to your office.”
“I’ll handle it.” She promised. “Or Javi will. Whoever. They’ll understand.” She laughed bitterly. “I’m a walking worker’s comp claim.”
“And the baby’s fine?”
The doctor nodded. “Both of them should be fine if her environment is kept calm.”
“We’ve been going through a lot.” Javier admitted, staring at the floor.
“We just moved.” She explained. “And some stuff from our past has been giving us issues. It’s nothing that we can’t resolve.”
“After you give birth.” The doctor reminded her. “I’ll start the discharge process within the hour. Good luck.”
“I’m so sorry, baby.”
“Don’t blame yourself.” She sank back against the pillows, staring up at the ceiling. “Don’t lash out at her.”
“Who?”
“Monica. She’s just a kid, Javi.”
Javier sighed heavily. “I wanna fucking punch a wall.”
“Try not to make a mess.” She quipped dryly. “And I can’t exactly help you hide the body like this.”
“You’re going to bed when we get home.”
She made a face. “Sounds like the bed is going to be my new home.” She tilted her head to grin at him, wiggling her brows. “Sounds like fun, yeah?”
Javier glared back at her. “How can you make jokes?”
“Because if I don’t I’m going to fucking lose my shit.” She shot back. “I was so scared.”
“I know, baby.” He took her hand into his and leaned down to kiss each knuckle. “I’ve got you though, okay? I’m going to take care of you and Josie and the baby.”
“Bean.”
“What?”
“You called her bean. Remember?”
Javier cracked a small smile. “It was little legume, I believe.”
She grinned at him, “We’re going to be okay, Javi. I promise you.”
“That’s just the medicine talking.” He leaned down and cupped her cheek, pressing a quick kiss to her lips. “Steve should be here with Josie soon… then the three of us can go home.”
“That sounds nice.” Her lashes fluttered. “I need a nap.”
“Yeah you do.” He laughed softly, brushing his thumb over her cheekbone. He hated seeing her like this. Weak. Exhausted. Not her typical fiery self.
She could say it wasn’t his fault, but he knew it was. And he fucking hated it.
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Note
May I request prompt 41, Overhearing they have feelings for you, with Javi? It would make my week!
character: Javier Peña
prompt: 41. Overhearing they have feelings for you (via this list of clichés)
warnings: honestly I think just some swearing
rating: R
masterlist
It’s been a slow week so far at the embassy. You, Steve, and Javier have been sitting at your clustered group of desks together for so long that you’re beginning to copy each other’s mannerisms. It’s a suffocating feeling to be stuck inside the office, knowing that there’s so much chaos going on outside—and not being able to do anything about it.
You can tell it’s been getting to Javier the most. He’s been smoking more than usual, and you often hear his heel tapping against the ground in an anxious manner. The way he flips over the pieces of paper contains a strong hint of aggression, as if his fingers are yearning to do something much more exciting but have to force themselves to remain calm. Javier’s always been fond of field work, which is just one of the many things you’ve learned about him over the years at the embassy.
Though you’re close with both your partners, it’s no secret that you and Javier have bonded the most. Steve always had Connie, but you and Javier didn’t have anyone else, and naturally you started to fill in that gap for each other. It’s never been anything more than some laughs, beers, and necessary venting sessions, but lately, you’ve been craving more. You’ve tried to suppress the feeling, though, because you know it’s not allowed. It’s always been one of those strict, unspoken rules to never be with another agent, since it puts you both in a dangerous position should the “other side” find out. So, you constantly found yourself swallowing your thoughts, trying to ignore the subtle compliments Javier always tosses at you and the tight shirts he often dresses in.
But that’s not the only reason why you’ve been pushing down your feelings. You’re also afraid of getting hurt. Javier’s been open enough with you to reveal his past, including leaving someone at the altar—and so you know commitment is an extremely difficult thing for him. His rendezvous with his informants is enough proof of that. You’re someone who would want a real relationship, one aiming for the long-term, and you believe Javier just isn’t ready for that yet. On top of that, you’re almost certain he doesn’t feel the same way about you. Flirting is just one of the many ways he teases you, and you figure it’s all a part of his act of friendship.
While your bored brain thinks of Javier, you find yourself looking up at him. His dark eyes are squinted as they focus on the transcript he’s holding in one of his hands, and his other hand rests against his forehead as a lit cigarette rests between his fingers. You can’t help noticing the bags underneath his eyes, and you feel your heart tug in concern. You’d typically dismiss it as a result of his long nights with informants, but—being neighbors with him in the apartment building—you know he hasn’t been having any informants over for quite a while, now. With all the slow work, too, you know he’s not sticking around the embassy at night.
Unable to contain your concern any longer, you start to speak out, but get cut off by the ringing of Steve’s phone. All three of you look over at it, and you and Javier give Steve earnest looks to get him to answer it. He picks up the handset, balancing it between his ear and shoulder as he straightens out the papers he’d been reading.
“Murphy,” he answers, taking the handset back in his hand as he looks between you and Javier. You don’t break your stare for fear of missing something—anything—that the people on the other end of the line could be providing. You sense it as soon as you see Steve’s eyes widen, and he reaches for a pen and piece of paper to scribble something down. Your gaze shifts to Javier, and you both exchange a look of shared surprise and excitement. Finally, your mind cries out. We got something!
Steve continues listening, getting out a quick thank-you before he hangs up the phone. He immediately stands up from his chair and claps his hands together.
“We’ve got a location on one of Escobar’s associates,” Steve informs you, causing you and Javier to rise as well. “And Carrillo’s got a driver in custody.”
“Oh shit,” Javier mutters, putting his cigarette out and beginning to open his drawer to reach for his gun.
Steve says your name. “Messina wants us to get the associate,” he continues. “Peña, Carrillo wants you in on the interrogation.”
Javier freezes at that. You’re still doing what you need to, grabbing your gun and making your desk neat. You also stop, however, when the voice of Javier suddenly speaks so sternly that you feel every muscle in your body tighten up tensely: “No.”
Steve raises his brow at Javier. “No? What the fuck do you mean ‘no,’ Javi?”
When you look to Javier, you’re surprised to find him staring straight at you, and confusion fills you as you raise an eyebrow at him. You swear you see a flash of desperation in his dark eyes as he switches his gaze over to Steve. “I need to talk to you.”
“Right now?” Steve scoffs. “Javi, we haven’t had shit for a week, and now you decide—.”
“Please, just get in the fucking office, Murphy!” Javier’s voice has never wavered quite like that in front of you before, and you feel a pit grow in your stomach as you wonder what could possibly be going on with him. Steve must be feeling the same way, because he makes his way silently into the soundproof office sitting just a few strides beyond your desks, and Javier follows him inside. You hear the door close and you sigh heavily, hoping it’ll ease the nerves you’ve suddenly gained at Javier’s unusual behavior.
You still, however, hear voices drifting from near the office. When you look back at it, you see that Javier had closed the door so hard that it didn’t actually close—and the door is open just a crack. If you go stand by it, you’ll be able to hear what Javier’s saying, and hopefully you can make yourself calm down before the risky mission you’re about to embark on. Trying to stay as light on your feet as possible, you creep closely to the door, waiting to stop until you’re just able to make out what’s being said.
“… don’t understand, Javi,” you can hear Steve saying with frustration. “We’ve been sitting here all damn week waiting for somethin’, and now that we’ve got it, you’re bein’ picky about what to do! You’ve been the antsiest out of all of us!”
“I’m not being ‘picky,’ Murphy!” Javier exclaims back. “Listen, I—I got my reasons, okay? But I need you to let me go on that mission with her.”
You raise an eyebrow at the mention of your name. “Why? ‘Cause you’re mad you’re not out in the field?”
“No, no, I just—fuck, Steve, I told you, I got my reasons!” Javier sounds more flustered than you’ve ever heard him before, and that pit in your stomach makes itself known once again. “It’s gonna be dangerous where you are, and I… I gotta be able to keep my eye on her.” Javier had said the last part so fast that you almost didn’t catch it, but when your brain processes it, your heart starts to pound against your chest. An eye on me? Why?
You can hear Steve sigh loudly. “You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kidding me. You’ve been workin’ with her for how many years, and you still don’t trust her?”
“It’s not about trust, Steve! Fuck.” Javier’s frustration is evident, and you try to tune out the roaring of your blood in your ears as you wait for what he’ll say next. “I just need to be there. With her.”
“Why, Peña? You know damn well she doesn’t need you. So, why? Why are you tryin’ to convince me of this?”
“Because, Steve, I love her, alright?”
Your heart nearly stops on the spot. He… he loves me? I couldn’t have heard that right. There’s no way.
There’s silence. “Javi… this ain’t fuckin’ funny, man. Don’t joke about that.” Steve, obviously, can’t believe it, either.
“I’m serious, Steve. On my life. Is it not fucking obvious?” You release a breath you didn’t realize you’ve been holding, still unable to believe what’s happening.
“Fuck, Javi. Fuck.”
“You’re telling me.” You hear Javier let out a heavy sigh before he continues. “I know, it’s bad, and I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it, Steve. I’ve barely been able to sleep at night, thinking about what could happen to her. And I can’t let her go out and do something this dangerous without being there with her. Imagine you having to do this with Connie.”
Steve’s silent for a moment, and you hear some pacing around the room. “Damn, Javi, I never took you for the type. But… I’ll see what I can do. Alright?”
There’s more silence, and then you hear Steve start walking towards the door. He suddenly stops, and you hear Javier’s voice next. “Thank you.”
You try to move, but you’re frozen to your spot, so when Steve comes out of the door, he nearly runs right into you. His eyes widen at your close presence, likely realizing that you’ve just heard everything that’s gone down.
“Give me a minute,” you say, pushing past him to head inside the office before Javier can leave. You close the door behind you—effectively this time—and see Javier leaning against the wall with one arm crossed over his chest and the other pinching the bridge of his nose. At your presence, he looks up, his dark eyes changing from desperation to surprise.
“What’re you doing?” Javier questions. “Aren’t you supposed to be—?”
He’s cut off by you walking over to where he is, unable to do anything else other than kiss him with all the passion you feel in your heart. Your body melts against his, your stomach soaring at the relieving feeling of his mouth on yours. Once he gets over his initial shock at your rash action, Javier begins to respond, his hands finding your waist as he pulls you even closer to him. Your hands brush through his thick hair, coming down to press against the back of his neck as you crave even more of him. His hands brush up your sides in a gentle yet fervent manner, stopping once he reaches your ribs. Eventually, you find yourself needing to breathe, and you pull away from him with a lingering gaze. Javier rests his forehead against yours, searching your eyes for some sort of explanation.
“You need to learn how to close a damn door, Peña,” you tease, giggling as you speak. Javier’s cheeks turn red, and you smile as you leave a few kisses along his jaw. When you lean back again, your gaze locks into his. “I love you, too.”
Javier can’t contain the smile he shows back down at you, and—just like you before—he can’t think of doing anything else other than kissing you again.
#flustered/soft javi nation r i s e#javier peña x reader#javier pena#javier peña#javi peña#narcos#asks#requests
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Everywhere - Chapter 8
Pairing: Javier Peña x Female reader
Warnings: none
A/N: The song for this chapter is Love That Burns by Fleetwood Mac (some lyrics at the end). I appreciate how many people reached out and asked when this chapter would be out. I’m sorry it took me a little longer to post this chapter I just felt a little discouraged after the lack of feedback and reaction to the last chapter. I had to fall in love with my story all over again and I did :)
Summary: You and Javier enjoy long-awaited reconciliation after weeks of avoiding and pretending not to like each other. You’re able to tell him how you feel but it’s not so easy for him.
ONE|TWO|THREE|FOUR|FIVE|SIX|SEVEN|NINE|TEN|ELEVEN
Tags: @longitud-de-onda @pascalisthepunkest @misslolasworld @aeryntheofficial @ah-callie @mrsparknuts @loki-098 @theringostarfanclub @huliabitch @thinemineours @flapjacques @opheliaelysia
"Sorry I'm late!" you yelled as you ran into the office nearly crashing into Steve.
"Whoa there! Slow down." He looked at you and pointed to your face. "What's with the shades?"
"Uh...I didn't sleep well. My eyes are all...puffy." It was mostly the truth. They didn't have to know you were up most of the night crying.
"Oh...we all saw you leave with Carrillo last night," one of the men joked and some others laughed.
"Fuck off," you shot back dropping your stuff on your desk.
"Nah man...she couldn't have gotten laid or she wouldn't be in such a bitchy mood," the man continued.
"Okay, that's it…" You stormed over to where he was sitting but Steve stopped you just before you reached him. "Move Murphy."
"No. Get over here." He grabbed your arm and led you out of the office then pulled you into a part of the hall where you couldn't be seen before snatching your sunglasses off.
"No! Dammit Steve!" You looked down at the floor then to the end of the hall. You looked everywhere but at him.
"Have you been crying?" he asked and you snatched your glasses back from him.
"I don't wanna talk about it."
"If this is about Javi-"
"Why does everyone always think it's about him?!" Your voice cracked on the last word.
"Uh...because of how you just reacted to hearing his name."
You took a few deep breaths and choked back a sob. "That obvious, huh?"
"Are you gonna be able to work this closely with him again?" He put his hands on your shoulders as you slipped your sunglasses back on.
"Yeah. I can do this." When you walked back into the office Javier was there and you could feel how tense everyone became. You went to your desk and sat down feeling Javier's eyes on you the entire time.
"This came in," Javier said, handing you a sheet of paper.
"Thanks." You took it from him without actually looking at him.
"What's with the sunglasses?" he asked, sitting on the end on your desk.
"I-"
"Hungover," Steve answered before you could and you smiled down at your desk. Thank God for him.
"She didn't even drink that much." That asshole was talking again. "Unless she and Carrillo had a nightcap."
"You know what," you started, "Maybe we did but it's none of your fucking business. You can go fuck yourself since we all know that's the only way you're getting any!"
Steve chuckled then held his hand up and you gave him a high five. You had to have a backbone working in a job like this and you couldn't be afraid to show it. This is a man's world… the song echoed in your mind. But it would be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl…
You hadn't noticed how Javier's mood changed after hearing that you and Carrillo may have spent the night together. It wasn't true but how was he to know. The fact that you wouldn't even look at him hurt even more though. All he wanted was to make you smile even if just for a fleeting moment. He just wanted something that showed him that you didn't hate him.
"Agent Peña," you called and he stood quickly making his way over to your desk.
"Yeah?"
You finally took your sunglasses off and looked at him before rubbing your face and sighing. "We can't keep doing this."
"Uh...doing what?"
"Whether we like it or not we have to work together and I'd rather things be a little less tense between us. A lot less tense actually. We're professionals, right?"
"Right." He put both hands on your desk and leaned in. "What do we do about it?"
"Talk I guess."
"Okay, well, I think a good start would be you calling me Javier again. No more of that Agent Peña bullshit." He raised his eyebrows, waiting for your reply.
"Fine. Javier it is."
"What else?" he asked but just then the office door opened and he stood up straight.
"We'll talk later," you said then looked past him to see who came in. "Colonel...hey."
"Carrillo." Javier shook Horacio's hand quickly then walked away. He pretended to be busy with something as he listened in on your conversation. He hated how the smile never left your face as you talked to Carrillo. Granted, it was a beautiful smile, but it wasn't for him therefore he hated it.
It hadn't been a long conversation but your smile lasted long after Horacio had left. You finally looked over at Javier who was being a little too aggressive about stapling a few sheets of paper.
"Piece of shit!" he grumbled. You quietly stood and walked over. He did a double take when he noticed you standing in front of him.
"Give it to me." You held your hand out for the stapler, easily unjamming it and handing it back. "There." His fingers brushed against yours as he took the stapler back and time seemed to slow down. You noticed how his eyes trailed over your form and you remembered just how much this man had seen. His hands had explored your body once, his lips had been on yours, you two had almost…
"Anyone want lunch?" Steve walked in, startling you and walked back to your desk quickly. When you looked at Javier he was still looking at you.
---
Later that day, you took a nice, long bath and began making dinner for yourself. You always seemed to cook too much but at least it meant you would have leftovers.
You washed your hands off then poured yourself a glass of wine before putting some music on. It would be some time before the food was ready so you decided to go out and look at the sunset. You loved the colors. If you had been a little more aware of your surroundings, you would have heard the car pulling up, but you swayed to the music and practically floated to the door. You opened it to find Javier standing there with his fist raised ready to knock.
"Shit!" The wine glass nearly slipped from your hand as you jumped at the sudden appearance of Javier. "Jesus…what in the world?"
"Sorry," he started. He looked at the flowing dress you wore and smelled the food you were cooking. "You, uh, expecting someone?" he asked.
"What? No. You scared the shit out of me, Javi!" It had been some time since you addressed him that way.
"Well, you're all dressed up and…"
"It's nice spoiling yourself sometimes," you told him. "You wanna come in?" He nodded and walked inside, taking in everything around him.
"What the hell do you do with so much space?" he asked.
"I don't use all of it," you shouted from the kitchen. "Can I get you something? Beer, wine, water…"
"Beer's fine." He took off his jacket and sat at the table. Your steps faltered slightly as you walked out to bring him his beer. It was that damn pink shirt.
"Here you go." You handed him the beer then sat in the chair across from his. Not too close. Never again.
"Thanks."
"Who did you think I was expecting?" you asked.
Javier drank some of the beer and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "What?"
"You asked if I was expecting someone. Carrillo, right?"
"Look, I know it's none of my damn business. I just-"
"I'm not sleeping with him, Javier."
"You're not?" He put the beer down and stopped holding his breath as you shook your head.
"We're close. He's a good friend and that's it. Anything more would be complicated." You played with the material of your dress. "I know all too well the result of letting your feelings get the best of you." You looked at Javier and he nodded slowly.
"The other night...you said you could've loved me but in your letter you said you did love me." He waited for your answer. "You said we needed to talk. We might as well talk about the toughest shit first."
"Javier, let me ask you something first: do you love me?" You could tell he wasn't expecting the question. "You see, not easy is it? Imagine loving someone who doesn't love you."
He played with the label on the beer bottle as he spoke. "You deserve better…"
"Yeah, I do," you admitted, "But my heart doesn't seem to think so."
Javier scoffed and shook his head. "You're not like any woman I've ever known."
"Is that a good or bad thing?"
"Good," he confessed.
"Uh...you hungry?" You stood and walked to the kitchen.
"I could eat." He had followed you and was standing in the doorway. You struggled a bit with getting the dish out of the oven and he moved to help you.
"Oh...um...gracias."
He smiled at your use of Spanish. "De nada."
Standing on your tiptoes, you tried grabbing the plates. "This is what I get for letting Carrillo help me. He put them too high." Suddenly Javier moved behind you and lifted you by the waist. You gasped in surprise and at the sudden closeness. "Thank you," you whispered.
"Of course." His hands were still at your waist, his thumbs rubbing you comfortingly. Even through your dress you could feel the heat or his hands.
"Javier," you sighed and closed your eyes. You felt yourself pressing against him and heard the trembling breath he let out against the back of your neck. His hands wandered down your thighs and squeezed. This had to stop. Stop him now.
"Tell me to stop," he said quietly. "Tell me."
You turned to face him though it was hard in the little space he left you between him and the kitchen counter. His lips were so close to yours and you knew that if you let him kiss you this night would end in a way that would complicate things beyond repair.
"Stop," you breathed and put your forehead to his chest. "God knows I don't want you to but…" You raised your head to look at him again. "...until you're able to say those three words to me and mean them, I'm off limits."
"Off limits…" he repeated, backing away from you to lean on the wall.
"Yeah. I almost gave myself to you once in the heat of the moment but...I'm a little less naive now."
"Wanting to give yourself to me is naive?" he asked.
"It is. Especially when I know that you still...do what you do. I won't be just another notch in your bedpost." You turned back to the food and began putting some on a plate for him. "Here." You handed the plate to him without even looking. You didn't move again until he walked away. You made your own plate then joined him at the table.
You ate quietly and avoided his gaze until he slammed his fork down making clang loudly against the plate. Was he really that upset over you not wanting to sleep with him?
"Can you just...look at me?" he asked, taking you by surprise. "I need you to look at me."
You swallowed the food in your mouth then looked up slowly. "I'm looking…"
"Good. Thank you. That's all I wanted."
"What?"
"I can't stand when you don't look at me or talk to me, okay? Those days when you did everything in your power to avoid me were some of the hardest days for me. I can't fucking deal with the fact that I'm not even good enough for you to look at."
"Javier…"
"I have eyes on me all the time. The government's, the cartel's, the…", he hesitated, "...women, but I don't feel a thing until you look at me. When you look at me I feel like...like I matter."
You reached out and put your hand on his. "You do matter."
"To you?" he asked.
"Yeah, to me." You smiled despite the tears in your eyes. "How could you not matter to me, Javier? I fucking love you, fool that I am." You squeezed his hand. "Now eat."
He brushed his thumb over your knuckles before pulling his hand away and eating again. You weren't sure if the fact that he couldn't bear you not looking at him was a different way of saying he loved you but it was something. Maybe it was the Javier Peña way of saying 'I love you' but you still needed to be sure. You still needed to hear those words.
He looked at you and smiled and your heart fluttered. This man could break your heart a thousand different ways and you'd still find a way to love him.
Too many times I've given too much
Baby, give me your love in return
Too many times I've given too much
Baby, give me your love in return
Give me your mind and your heart
But please don't leave me with a love that burns
And don't use me as your fool
'Cause my heart can't stand another lie
Please don't use me, don't use me as your fool
Baby, 'cause my heart can't stand another lie
And if you can't love me tomorrow
Please leave me now in my room to cry
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Fear of happiness
Pairing: Javier Peña x reader
Warning(s): none
“I really am not good at this” Javier started, taking one last drag from his cigarette before crashing it into the ashtray on the coffee table in front of his couch you were sitting on. The smoke he exhaled was long, the tension in both of your bodies still very present as the tension started to thicken in the room.
With a quick and shy glance towards your friend and colleague, you couldn’t help but be in awe of how the bright street lights coming from his window put a beautiful glow on his handsome, but somber looking face. The DEA agent’s mind was clearly clouded with too many thoughts, but the main issue was that he couldn’t vocalize them.
A soft sigh escaped your lips, your head turned back towards the tv. It wasn’t turned on, but you couldn’t help but pretend to be mesmerized by the black screen as your emotions overwhelmed you and you desperately tried to find something to focus on “Please say something else” you begged. Your heart was pounding loudly in your chest, you were desperate for this conversation to be over, whether you’d leave his apartment with what you desired the most, or not.
“What do you want me to say, [Y/N]?” Javier whispered, he turned his whole body in your direction and gently placed two fingers beneath your chin, gently making you look at him. His eyes showed nothing but concern but also love, you could get lost forever in those delicate brown eyes of his.
His gentle touch made your heart skip several beats, your throat drying up while you couldn’t help but think of the reason how the two of you had gotten yourselves into this situation in the first place.
You had let your emotions get the best of you and finally had succumbed to your romantic feelings towards Javier. What had started as a tiny crush years ago, had turned into a love you had never experienced, but you didn’t even think about mixing business with pleasure. You had told yourself to push down your feelings for your DEA colleague and focus on your job; taking down Pablo Escobar.
Some days were easier to push away your feelings for Javier due to him sleeping around with prostitutes or his female informants. Being his neighbor didn’t help either, having to come home after a long day and craving nothing but his touch and attention, but then having to hear the sex sounds bouncing from his wall to yours only set you in a state of bitterness and despair.
You tried to drink the pain away, thought that maybe finding a random person to hook up with would make you get rid of your love for Javier. But whenever you were close to get physically intimate with someone, you pulled away and ended up sending them home or leaving their place with the crappiest excuse you could come up with in that moment.
You hated how much power Javier had over you by simply existing.
But other days were easier to ignore him, the jealousy of his hookups getting the best of you and resulting in you pushing him away while working. Your attitude drove him to the point where he preferred to work in another room and leave you and Murphy by yourselves, not understanding your mean and cold attitude towards him.
The days where he had to be out in the field also gave you a break from all those pent-up emotions you were constantly pushing down deep inside you. You always feared that he’d come back hurt but Javier knew how to defend himself, so just seeing him walk into the office to write his report late into the night while you wrapped up your final report, had you let out a soft and relieved sigh before finishing your work.
But the hardest part was also being his friend, his confidant and first person he ran to when he needed to calm down from whatever was troubling your mind. Not being able to kiss him, tell him that better days are ahead or simply desiring to occupy his mind for just a few hours, killed you. But you never dared to show him how you felt….
Ten minutes ago.
All those bottled up sensations and emotions had finally gotten to you. One second you were getting dressed from your shower, the next you were knocking on Javier’s door, love and lust coursing through your body. The plan was to try to see if you could seduce him, but the second he opened the door with bloodshot eyes and tears streaming down his face, your mood shifted.
“I’ve loved you for years” was what you had blurted out instead of asking what was troubling him. The shocked expression on his face set you in a state of fear and before your mind could tell you what to do next, Javier had leaned in and pressed a tender kiss against your lips before gently pulling you into his apartment.
“[Y/N]” Javier’s voice snapped you out of the flashback, you cleared your throat and put your focus back on him again.
“I want you to tell me if you reciprocate my love for you, Javi” the words left your lips in a hushed mumble, your stomach churning in great distress. Talking about your feelings had always been a struggle for you too, but right now you needed clear answers.
“Do you love me, Javi?” you gently removed his hand that still was lingering on your face and stared deeply into his eyes, already knowing the answer but wanting to hear the words coming from his lips.
He let out a soft sigh and frowned deeply, “I-I do, [Y/N]. I love you, I don’t know when my feelings for you started blooming but they did….”
Your lips immediately curled into a bright smile, all the stress and anxiety leaving your body and feeling your shoulders straighten up. Your whole mood shifted and you couldn’t voice the joyous feelings coursing through your body.
Without a further world you wrapped your arms around Javier’s neck and pressed your lips against his, sighing softly when his started moving passionately against yours. His quickly pulled you on top of him, straddling his lap while his hands gently caressed your back and shoulders.
Your heart swelled and fluttered in your chest, you had never felt such a deep and intense love. It was overwhelming yet kept you humble and sane. Your head went blank and all you could do was try to focus on continuing kissing the love of your life.
“[Y/N], wait” Javier panted in between the kiss, pulling away from your lips and shaking his head when you tried to lean in for another kiss. “What’s wrong?”.
“We can’t together”.
Your body froze at those words. Your eyes didn’t stop staring deeply into his while he gently pushed you off him. A big lump formed itself in your throat, you could heart your pounding heartbeat in your ear while you tried to wrap your head around what just had happened.
No words left your lips as you turned your body towards the tv screen again, silence filled Javier’s apartment and he despised it. The tension had thickened again, your body language gave your emotions away; you didn’t dare to look at him, your arms were folded on your chest and your jaw tensed.
“[Y/N], our job is dangerous…I-I can’t risk you becoming my weakness while trying to take out the most dangerous person on earth” the DEA agent tried to explain, the lies filling your ears as you knew the real reason of his rejection.
“No” you whispered, your heart shattering in your chest and the pain making it hard for you to put on a strong act. You quickly got to your feet and walked over to the front door, the gut wrenching pain only intensifying when seeing that Javier didn’t even try to put on a fight for you.
The door already had been opened, a part of you ready to go back to your apartment and cry your eyes out. But the other part screaming at you that you at least deserve any type of closure.
With a heavy sigh, you turned on your heels and saw Javier staring at you from the couch, the heartbreak evident in his eyes but he didn’t dare to stop you.
“You know damn well that we could make it work, but the stupid fear of allowing happiness in your life is holding you back. We both know it…No need to try and feed me lies, Javier Peña”.
And with that you walked out of his apartment, not seeing the tears forming in his eyes as he knew that you had seen right through him.
~~~
Thanks for reading!
#pedro pascal#pedro pascal x reader#pedro pascal x you#javier pena#javier pena x you#javier pena x reader
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Lawful Good
Chapter two
Warnings: nothing explicit, slow burn, little bit of angst, age gap(?), really bad formating (sorry I'm on mobile). The odd swear word and more adult(?) themes beginning.
Words: 2.6K
A/N: thanks for the kind words and messsages after chapter one! I’m afraid this fic is gonna be a slow burner but we’re heading in the right direction in this chapter! Really sorry about the shite formatting, but that’s mobile for you! Enjoy 🖤
Previous chapters: Chapter one
*
Chapter two
There were a million words you could use to describe Javi… but domestic wasn’t one of them. He’d slipped into your apartment behind you just a few moments ago, a little closer to you than he would have been had someone else been with you. And now he was standing in your kitchen looking bewildered at the gadgets and cookery items that covered your kitchen surfaces.
‘What the hell is this’? Javi smirked pointing at one.
‘It’s a spiraliser… for when vegetables need to be… well spiralised…’ you actually had no idea why you had that but it had been an impulse purchase you defended fiercely against all who took the piss.
Javi cocked his eyebrow and smirked.
‘So you and Steve really spend evenings here spirlalising vegetables and gossiping?’
'Yes, and I’ll have you know, he’s a great spiraliser’
Javier chuckled and you noticed some genuine amusement in his face. He was a difficult man to read. You figured that was deliberate, or at least a subconscious choice due to the nature of his work. Hiding his emotions was a safety mechanism that more than likely kept him alive. The number of times he must have been shot at, the close calls, the near misses, they would be enough to make a civi like you want to retire on the spot. But not him. He’d found a way to cope and the side effect of this was appearing closed off and reclusive. But occasionally he’d let his guard down. And in this moment he had done just that – standing in your kitchen, hands on his waste, laughing at the idea of his partner trying to work out how to make courgette ribbons.
You tilted your head slightly, looking at him, and you smiled.
He caught your gaze and his laugh trailed off and he cleared his throat.
You snapped out of it, realising you had been all but swooning like some Victorian maiden. Vaguely horrified at yourself you clapped your hands gently and asked ‘so, what would you like for dinner?’ tailed by a slightly awkward laugh.
He raised his eyebrow again ‘how about we just order in?’
You did just that. There was a pizza place down the street you (and probably all the DEA agents living in the building) knew well that claimed to make an “All American Pizza”, that in reality was a cheese pizza with a mystery meat topping that claiming to be pepperoni. If you didn’t think too hard about what was actually on it, it was delicious.
It arrived and you both sat on your couch, not bothering with plates to save washing up, just grabbing slices from the box, conversation free flowing. You laughed about the time you’d dropped coffee all down yourself one Monday morning and sulked the whole day, and the time he had an informant turn up at the office to return his signature sunglasses that he had left in her apartment after spending the night to “question her”.
‘I take my work very seriously’ he insisted through laughter ‘I get results don’t I?’
You cackled, a proper belly laugh, pizza slice half eaten in your hand and tears forming in your eyes ‘you do, but she exposed your modus operandi to the whole office’ you wiped a tear that was threatening to roll down your cheek and take your mascara with it, ‘she exposed you after you exposed her!’ you gave him a look and erupted in to laughter again.
The grin stayed plastered across his face but he wasn’t laughing at your poor jokes, he was watching you as you sat next to him, half eaten pizza slice in your hand and tears in your eyes, completely uninhibited and cackling like a witch. He’d always appreciated your openness. You were his opposite in so many ways. You were younger and more optimistic in your outlook. He didn’t particularly know your personal circumstances but he knew you’d come to this country alone as a teenager to study and that you’d accidentally wound up at the DEA. He knew you were good at your job and he appreciated every sticky situation you’d gotten him and Steve out of. And he also noticed that though you and Steve were very close, you didn’t look at Steve the way you looked at him. What he didn’t know, however, was whether you knew you were looking at him that way or whether your beautiful, dark eyes were betraying you.
Javier was no stranger to the female gaze. It would be a very rare evening that he didn’t catch some woman in a bar giving him the eye. Even at his most dishevelled after a long shift or a raid gone bad he still attracted them. He was like a magnet and they were the scrap metal that permanently orbited him. He didn’t mind, he liked the attention but only on his own terms. It was easy for him to separate lust and genuine feeling, that was partly due to his job. You had to be able to separate your feelings from the job at hand. Hell! He would often have days where he retuned home to his quiet apartment having shot several people and been shot at himself. If he couldn’t separate his personal emotions with his actions then he’d have gone over the edge years ago. So he translated this skill into his personal life too.
Sex and love were not often things that went together for him. But occasionally he’d let his guard slip and he’d let someone in. He did that once a long time ago, but that had ended terribly. His fault, he’d been the one to run. Some how she’d had the courage to forgive him and that helped, but he still felt the occasional twinge of guilt. Since her, there had been a few women he’d genuinely connected with. Often they were prostitutes, but that didn’t make them any lesser than him. It always began the same, them offering information in exchange for visas. Sometime he could help, sometimes he couldn’t, and sometimes he’d let them into his life a bit. But it never lasted. He’d scold himself for thinking he was capable of sustaining anything greater than a sexual relationship.
He reminded himself of that while he looked at you. He’d thought about you in that way, who wouldn’t? You were smart, funny, kind, beautiful, and seemingly fearless. Who comes to a city like this with purely good intentions? And who maintains that integrity despite the ugliness of the job? You impressed him no end. Your mind was a thing of wonder to him. How could you think so thoroughly so quickly? You always had the answer. You took the scathing remarks about your age and the sexist comments and ripped them apart with your brilliance. You proved instantly that you deserved your desk in that office. He was in quiet awe of you. But that was as far as he dared take it. His mind would wonder sometimes but he was good at dragging it back. He knew you would never risk your career for him and he was selfish for even considering it a possibility.
But here he was, sat on your couch with you, eating and laughing like you’d been friends your whole lives. If this was as far as your relationship could go then so be it. This was unchartered territory for him anyway. He had a pal relationship with Steve, they’d go out and drink together, grab some food and talk quite often, but he was the only one Javi had that kind of relationship with. He’d chat to his various conquests of a night but they were only there for his help, they weren’t really interested in him. But you? You came across so genuine, like you really did care about him and it sent a small shiver up his spine.
‘Thanks for tonight, Javi’ you smiled ‘This has been the best Monday night I’ve had in ages’.
‘Yeah well now I see how you and Steve spend your evenings maybe I’ll join you occasionally?’ He seemed almost tentative in his question.
‘Of course!’ You blurted ‘the more the merrier! Plus it’ll be nice not to be the only third wheel in Steve and Connie’s marriage’ you chuckled.
He left your apartment not long after that. It was late and you both had to be awake and alert for your drive to work tomorrow. You’d hugged him as he opened the door to leave. It lasted just that half a second too long and you found yourself relishing the feel of his hands against your back. Dangerous territory. But you’d smiled sweetly at him as the embrace ended and you said your good byes.
*
The rest of the week progressed pretty much as every week did, just without Steve. Javi was in and out of the office, out on raids, off meeting informants, in writing reports, off meeting the ambassador. You were in mostly, at your desk figuring our loopholes to get agents out of trouble with the local authority or trying to bribe your way out of sticky situations slyly.
Thursday afternoon rolled around and you found yourself turning your desk upside down and inside out. Gently huffing and getting frustrated at having lost the one thing you needed right now. You looked up to notice Javi coming back from the ambassador’s office. He was in a suit and he looked good. He had his top button undone and his tie loosened in classic Javi fashion. His little way of sticking it to the man. Respectful enough to wear a suit, but renegade enough to wear it in his own fashion.
‘What on earth are you doing?’ He sat at his desk and unbuttoned his suit jacket. The site of you on your knees searching through your desk drawers making him a little uneasy.
‘I’ve lost a book I need, I swear I had it here but I cant find it anywhere. You haven’t borrowed anything have you?’ You looked up at him, hair a mess from your frantic searching and your heels kicked off in exasperation.
He swallowed at the site of you but kept his cool, ‘I can promise you that the last thing I am going to borrow from your desk is a hefty law book’
You smiled back at him ‘fair point’ you pulled yourself to your feet and slumped back down on your desk chair. ‘Fuck, I need that book. I don’t know what I could have done with it’ you put your head in your hands.
‘Well if it’s a law book then I’m sure there’s a copy in the archives here? They have a law library in the storage archives down the hall’ he responded, sensing the genuine worry in your body.
You shot up in your chair ‘do they?’ Hope returning to your face ‘where?’
He stood up and shrugged off his suit jacket, his shirt was a little damp from the heat and it clung to his torso ever so slightly. You pulled your eyes back to his but he’d caught you looking. He shuffled slightly, had you made him uncomfortable?
‘Come on’ he said, walking towards you ‘I’ll show you the archives’
You smiled gratefully and leapt up to follow him. You had forgone your heels and caught up to him bare foot, a whole lot more comfortable. He noticed and smiled at you, ‘fuck dress codes, ey?’.
You grinned back.
You followed him through winding corridors and down a stairwell towards where they kept some of the evidence from raids and attacks on sicario strong holds. A little further down a dimly lit corridor and he stopped to open a door for you.
‘Here you go, the library’ he held the door open for you and you squeezed passed him. 'Library' was a generous term. It was a small cramped room with a few rows of shelves stacked with books. Some were older than your abuela and about as dusty the streets of the city.
‘Okay, help me look!’ You gave him the title and you set about searching.
He obliged and shut the door behind him, scanning through the books with you. Some of the shelves were too high for you to reach so he stretched up to grab at the abandoned collections on the top shelves. As he stretched his shirt untucked and revealed flashes of skin. Why on earth were you swooning over a strip of belly skin? What was with you? Was it the stifling heat of the windowless room? Was it the Adrenalin of hunting out this bloody book?
Javi set down a box of books on the floor and turned to face you.
‘Not in there’ he frowned.
He was standing just a little too close to you again, like when he had followed you into your apartment on Monday. He was so much taller than you without your heels on, and in the dim light of the small room the shadows angled his face beautifully.
Suddenly he reached out, as if he were going to brush a wayward strand of hair from your face and tuck it behind your ear. You lurched forward and kissed him. You lips connecting to his, warm and slightly salty from the sweat of the heavy lifting. As quickly as you leant forward you pulled away, realising what you had just done. What the fuck had you just done?!
He stood dead still, almost unblinking. His hand was still out stretched right near your face. You stared at him, panic filling your entire body. You went cold, felt sick, what had you done that for?!
Finally he moved, reaching further behind you to the shelf you were leaning against. He pulled a book from the shelf and showed it to you. It was your missing title.
Oh god. Oh Christ. Oh no! He’d been reaching for the book, not for you at all! Dread pooled in your tummy. You had completely and utterly misread that situation. You cursed yourself, every stupid word you could think of running through your mind, all the while staring at him like a rabbit in the head lights. He was still so close to you.
He reached behind him and put the found book down on the box he had retrieved from the top shelf for you. He turned back to face you, putting his hand up again but this time brushing it against your cheek. And then again, the welcome softness of his lips on yours, the taste of salt and the rush of blood to all the wrong places. He kissed you gently, testing the waters. You leant into him, his reciprocation as much a surprise to you as it was to him. His tongue parted your lips and your hands ran up his back, clinging to his shirt. His hands cupped your face, holding you firm as his body pressed yours against the book shelf behind you.
His hands moved to your waist, his finger tips sinking into your soft skin beneath your thin blouse.
He pressed against you, pulling away from the kiss for breath. You panted heavily, the air suddenly feeling a whole lot hotter. His forehead pressed against yours, you would have been happy to stay in that moment forever. That way neither of you would have to face the consequences of your recklessness.
Chapter three
Tag list: @ah-callie
#javier peña x reader#javier peña x you#javier peña fanfic#narcos fanfic#narcos fic#javier peña fic#javi peña#javi#lawful good#javier x reader#javier x you
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Distant (Javier X Reader)
Note: @wholesome-cowboy gave me an idea and it fuelled a fire in me so here we are. Rough, uncaring sex with Javier in Beaver Hollow with just a pinch of misery. Enjoy!
Category: smut + a bit of angst
Warnings: Rough sex
Word count: 2200
You stand on one side of Beaver Hollow, chatting to the girls over your evening coffee – a habit you picked up from Arthur some months back that has resulted in many a sleepless night. The side of the camp on which you stand is very important these days. See, the Van Der Linde Gang has been divided for some time now – irreparably so, you fear – and everyone who believes in one thing spends their time on one side and everyone who believes differently spends their time on the other. You, however, are the exception to this. By day, you spend most of your time with one side – Arthur’s side – but you make your bed on the other side of the camp. The side that is by far the most hostile. The side where Javier is.
There’s no denying that the once loving and oh-so-affectionate relationship between you and Javier has turned rather cold as of late. He has all these grand and romantic ideas about loyalty and you are much too concerned with doing the right thing to have your arm twisted by men like Dutch and Micah. But the problem arises from the fact that both you and Javier are so unequivocally convinced that the other is being foolish.
So you stand with Karen and Tilly, chatting away as Javier eyes you from the poker table on that side of the camp – a bottle in his hand, as usual. He’s drunk again and even from all the way over here, you know what that look he’s giving you means. The only thing he seems to want from you these days is a quick fuck. The only time he talks to you is to proposition you – or rather tell you that he’s going to fuck you – and you go along with it because, well, you love him. And if this is the only contact you’re going to get with him, then you’ll eat it up. Beggars can’t be choosers and you’ve decided you’d much rather take what you can get than get nothing at all.
Javier climbs to his feet, swaying a little as he stands, and finishes his bottle off before slamming it on the table and making a beeline for you across the camp.
“Uh oh,” Karen mumbles. “Speak of the devil and he shall appear.” Her and Tilly make their excuses, leaving you just as Javier approaches the spot where you stand.
“You talkin’ shit about me again?” Javier asks, slurring his words. “The three of you having a good giggle at my expense?”
“No,” you sigh, swilling the dregs of your coffee around the bottom of your mug and staring into it. “We were talking about Annesburg. You’re just being paranoid.”
“You think you’re better than me, huh?”
“You know damn well that I don’t think I’m better than you,” you tell him.
“Look at you; such a goody-two-shoes.”
“There’s ain’t a single one of us in this camp that’s good, Javier. Not a damn one.”
Javier scoffs and reaches forward, grabbing your wrist and knocking the coffee cup to the floor. “Let’s go,” he says, tugging you forward.
“Javier – “ you sigh, planting your feet firmly on the ground in protest.
Javier turns back to face you and coldly looks you up and down before tugging on your arm so hard that you’re sent tumbling into him. “I’ve had a shitty day, mi amor,” he grumbles into your ear. “I need to fuck someone, and if it isn’t you, then it’ll be someone else. So unless you wanna watch me fuck a pretty little thing from town for the rest of the night, then you should probably just let me fuck you.”
“You’re a real piece of shit these days, y’know that?” you spit, shoving him away and jolting forward with him as he still keeps hold of your wrist.
“Si? Well, maybe I’ve always been a piece of shit and you were just too doe-eyed to see it,” he retorts.
You stare at him with a mixture of defeat and anger swirling in your eyes, but there’s no sign of him picking up on either of them and the gang watches on from the side lines as he pulls you forward with him and heads for the cave, trudging through the mud and puddles of rain water as he goes.
Javier drags you through the dark, damp cave system, walking you past the leftover corpses that you’ve seen way too many times whilst being fucked these past few weeks for you to ever be able to think about sex without associating it with the sweet smell of rotting flesh.
He reaches the usual spot – a little nook with a rock that reaches waist height; perfect for being bent over. Only after he’s slowed to a stop and pulled you in front of him does he let go of your wrist, and he shoves you backwards against the wall of the cave. If this were the old Javier, he’d be kissing you now. He’d press himself against you and pepper kisses across your neck, pouring honey into your ear as you bite your lip to stifle a giggle. But this isn’t the old Javier. And instead of kisses and whispered sweet nothings, he simply leaves you pressed against the wall and begins unbuckling his belt in silence.
The whole thing makes you feel dirty in all the worst ways. After all, even a whore in a cheap saloon is offered the luxury of a little small talk. And even that whore is at least wanted by the man who’s paying her. But the way Javier remains silent – the way he doesn’t even look up at you as he fumbles with his belt buckle – it just makes you feel like you’re a means to an end. He doesn’t want you, he wants to get off. And all those whispered love letters that once filled the narrow space between you both in moments like this are all gone. Replaced by silence and bitterness.
Javier manages to sloppily pull himself out of his jeans and you’ve already dropped your jeans down to your mid-thigh, having done this enough times now to know the score. He spins you around until you’re facing the waist-high rock and he manhandles you, positioning you in exactly the way that he wants you – which is bent over the rock with your ass up, back arched, and face pressed down against the cold stone surface.
He wastes no time pushing himself into you and he doesn’t do you the courtesy of taking it slow. A part of you always wonders if he’s just angry at you and wants to punish you in some way for not seeing the world in the way that he does. For not choosing Dutch – or more so maybe him – over Arthur and the others. And part of you also wonders if rough, uncaring sex is the worst thing he can bring himself to do to you. He could scream at you or hit you or do something even more heinous and unworthy of thinking about, but he never has. And the hope that he loves you enough to not want to hurt you in any genuinely harmful way is what keeps you following him into this damned cave each and every time. The hope that maybe one day, this same scene will play out but with Javier returning to that loving, affectionate man who peppers you with kisses instead of the one who looks at you with such anger and disdain.
He fucks you mercilessly, gripping onto your hips so tight that his fingers pinch your skin. You’re shoved forward with each thrust until he reaches up and tangles his fingers in your hair, using it to pull you up into his chest. He grunts angrily into your ear – the first solid display of emotion that you’ve had from him all week. This is new.
“I bet you say all kinds of things about me to those girls, huh?” he growls into your ear, keeping a tight grip of your hair as he holds you in place against him – still fucking you from behind like the animal he seems to have transformed into as of late. “And Arthur. I bet he loves hearing about how much of an asshole I am.”
“Javi –“
“Maybe you should curl up to him at night, huh? I reckon you’d like that.”
“I don’t –“
Javier tightens his grip on your hair and jolts your head backwards, almost tearing the hair from your scalp and prompting you the throw a hand up to where his hand is tangled to instinctively try to pry his hand away from you and alleviate the pain. “What’s the matter?” he asks, noticing a tear forming in the corner of your eye. “You don’t like it when I talk about your little friend?”
“It’s not… me ‘n’ Arthur… we ain’t like that,” you pant, trying your best not to cry. Your voice is strained – restricted by the angle at which your neck is craned.
“Like hell you aren’t,” Javier hisses.
The idea that he could think that of you makes your stomach churn with hatred and anguish. After everything you’d been through together – after all the things you’d promised each other, all the secrets you’d shared with each other, and all the months you’d spent glued to each other’s hip – how could he possibly think you could ever have eyes for anyone other than him? You’re in this hellish cave system – your hands and face caked in filth from this goddamn rock that you’re bent over and your hips covered in bruises from where his hands have gripped you too tight, day after day – and he still thinks that you feel anything other than deep, painful love for him?
The tear rolls down your cheek as he bends you forward over the rock again, pushing your shirt further up your back so he can run his hand up your spine before pushing you down further with his flattened palm.
He fucks you and fucks you and fucks you even more. The minutes all blend into each other when you’re so deep in this wretched cave and you’ve long since given up on that fantasy of the old Javier coming to fruition tonight. You let him have his way with you – as you always do – and he makes good use of the fact that you’re too tired of all of this to bother biting back. You prop yourself up on your hands, pushing your self away from the rock as he clutches your hips; ramming into you over and over again and knocking the breath out of you every time. It’s been silent since his little outburst of paranoia and you aren’t sure which you prefer – silence or anger. You suppose they’re both painful and that you lose either way.
Javier’s breath becomes shallow and quick and you know enough of the man behind you to know what that means. He lets out a short, quiet moan with each exhale and his thrusts become slow and drawn out; pulling you back and forth as he watches himself sliding in and out of you slowly. You haven’t finished yet, but you don’t suppose you will. He isn’t concerned with your needs these days – only his own.
“Quedarse quieto,” he tells you, keeping you still with his hand on your ass cheek and admiring the sight of his cock held perfectly still half way inside you. He reaches down with his other hand and uses his thumb and forefinger to gently finish himself off; his cock twitching inside you as he fills you with spurts of warm fluid. “Si,” he sighs.
After a few moments of motionlessness, he unceremoniously pulls out, leaving you bent over the rock with cum beginning to drip down your thighs. The crushing sinking feeling in your chest is more connected to the burning in your cheeks than the sex is, you’re sure. You’ve had your heart broken before and you’re very accustom to the symptoms of one. You fight back the urge to turn around and scream at him. The urge to hit him and yell at him and beg him to tell you the reason why he hates you so much. You’re so desperate to know how it came to this. How a loving relationship could turn so cold. So sour. But you swallow your words and bite your tongue; standing up straight and shakily tugging your jeans back up.
Once they’re fastened and your clothes have had the filth dusted from them, you turn around to face Javier, who’s already composed himself and shows no sign of anything having happened beyond the slight swaying he does as he stands – the booze still outweighing the amount of blood in his veins. He looks at you with furrowed brows and for a moment, he looks as though he’s about to say something. But he grunts and sighs and hitches his belt up.
“I’ll see you later,” he says, coldly. You give him a small nod of your head and he breaks eye contact with you in favour of looking at the ground; the tiniest hint of guilt flitting across his face for the smallest of seconds before it disappears again. With a small sigh of frustration, he walks away; leaving you alone in the cold damp cave to reflect on how the hell you ended up here.
#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#javier escuella#javier escuella x reader#my writing#writing: javier escuella
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Shots Fired (W/ @InkedSoul_)
Javi : <I stared at my Second, my bodyguard, one of my oldest friends and waited patiently for him to spit out what he wanted to say. I was still sporting the black eye, albeit fading now, that he left me when he was last in my presence. He knew then that was a one time opportunity. I had been expecting it after the news I delivered. Anything further however, would result in a much different outcome than what I hoped either of us wanted. Breno scrubbed his hand through his hair, but his gaze never wavered. Henrique stood at the door and watched us both. I quirked a brow up and inclined my head slightly, indicating shit needed to get moving. He let out a low puff of air and his shoulders slumped slightly, “Javier, I need to apologize for my actions. I won’t apologize for being angry or hurt by yours but I never should have let my anger overtake me like that. Thank you for being honest and thank you for letting me get my anger out. I know without your permission, things would have gone a lot differently.” I nodded slowly and lifted my glass, tipping it in his direction.>Water under the bridge now, Breno. Now I want you to use that information and that anger and help take them down. After that…
<My words were cut off by angry shouting coming from the front of the house. Henrique drew his gun and ran from the room, Breno following behind after checking for my go ahead. I had pushed back from the chair and grabbed my own gun from the drawer. I had no doubts my men could handle the situation but I would rather fight by their side than to hide like some coward. There was chaos and panic the closer I made it to the front entrance. I heard words parsed through the air, gunshots, dead body, fence deactivated. My blood chilled more though when I heard Henrique shouting for assistance. “It’s Campbell. Move your asses.” My men were like me when it came to knowing our dealers and because of the shit going on at Tyson’s property, several have been spending time there getting to know the group involved. As soon as they heard it was him, they took charge and before long, they were carrying the kid in to the small room we had set up in the front of the house for situations such as this. It was clean and sterile and the doc would be arriving as soon as he could. I ordered those now looking for something to do to secure the property line and find out what happened then holstered my weapon and joined Breno, Henrique, and our medic Paul in the small room. Tyson didn’t look great but I held no doubts it could have been far worse. The medic started to clean him, looking for the wound while I moved up near the head of the bed> Care to explain?
Tyson: -Holding my hand to my side where the bullet entered, not to keep myself from bleeding but more to keep the wound open. I didn’t want a bullet in me and I sure didn’t want to have to have someone cut me open to get it out later. I walked the best I could through the gate and up to the house, groaning when I finally got noticed and Javier’s men had helped me inside with all the people running around me quietly I’m sure trying to figure out what happened and get things cleaned up. I grumbled in annoyance when they took me into a room that looked sterile but I didn’t see any medical personnel and Javier was already questioning me. Sighing loudly- Man, I was just doing a run. The box is by the tree next to the dead man. I was going to stop and talk to you about the wolves agreeing to the bunker on the property and where we all agreed for it to go. But, when I ran up I smelled a human that was… nervous. I watched him for a few minutes and you guys hadn’t noticed he was here.
-I stuck my finger into the bullet hole to keep it open, growling loudly- When I saw him reach for his gun I lunged.. He shot, I killed him. He was going to shoot one of your men or you I couldn’t tell who he was looking at. Stupid fuck. I can’t wait for a doctor Javier, my skin is healing with the bullet in me. I need you to pull it out for me.
-pointing around the room realizing that I’d just blurted all that out without any warning and I was sure I looked crazy as fuck. Javier knew we were wolves but I was sure he had no idea what was special about any of us or me for that matter. I looked at his face to try to read him.- Or anyone that knows what they’re doing -clearing my throat- I don’t want to have to have surgery later.
Javier - <My eyes narrowed as Tyson spoke. They were either getting brave or stupid. I lifted my gaze and communicated silently with Breno who didn’t even hesitate before bolting from the room to handle the situation outside. Anger boiled beneath the surface at the fact that my property had been breached and tampered with, though I knew it would be handled. As for my men not noticing the intrusion, that would be handled with privately as well. I couldn’t stop the chuckle at Tyson’s demand of me removing the bullet and I shook my head as I laid a hand on Paul’s shoulder> Trust me, Tyson. The last thing you want is me coming at you with a sharp implement. Paul will remove the bullet, the doctor is on his way to double check there is nothing else going on, standard procedure.
<I lifted my gaze to his and gave the slightest shake of my head as my eyes darted to Paul and back. Breno and Henrique knew the truth, as did the few others who’d been monitoring the property, but none of my extended staff knew the details. We’d learned that wolves could heal quicker than humans but to what extent I had no clue. Either way, I knew it was imperative to act now and question later. Paul was moving around the room, gathering the equipment he needed and I settled against the wall and out of the way> Thank you for handling the situation, Tyson. I’ll get answers and then handle the rest. I’m glad you’ve agreed to the bunker, as you know, security can never be too tight.
Tyson: -I nodded and moved my hand as I watched the man Javier called Paul gather everything he needed. I moved my hand out of the way and laid flat on the table that I was leaned up against. I helped him shove the scalpel in the direction the bullet was knowing I’d have to break skin again. I clenched my jaw and tried to distract my mind from the pain- Obviously you’re being watched and my property is too. I can’t help but wonder if this is actually a problem you brought to my door. I have to do what I can to keep my people safe. You should probably wear a bullet proof vest. I’m afraid that someone would be dead had I not taken this run myself to reach out to you. I know we’re only business associates but, i would hate to see anything happen to you that could be avoided.
-grunting when I feel Paul pull these bullet out and drop it into something metal close to me. Hearing the metal clink together I noticed that he was working quickly to bandage me up. I sat up and held the gauze to my side and swallowed thickly- Do you have a lot of problems with people trying to kill you that I should know about? Do I need to look into a bullet and bomb proof shelter? Panic rooms maybe?
-I was half joking and half being completely serious. What had I gotten us into? I didn’t remember my father having anything like this happening when they were running drugs before. I was really starting to question my luck lately- I know this is no joking matter but do I need to send a couple wolves here? They would be able to smell a human approaching quicker than your men would be able to see them to realize they were there.
Javi: <I watched Paul’s eyes widen and Breno bite back a chuckle at the slew of questions and comments pouring from Tyson’s mouth. Most others we dealt with were too afraid to question me about anything. This is where Tyson differed from them all, why I knew that if we all played our cards right, this partnership would be quite lucrative for everyone involved. I shrugged a shoulder and my lip curled up in one corner> Many people want me dead, Tyson. They think they will be able to simply take all that I have. Normally they don’t come near my property though. That was sloppy.
<I passed over a bottle of water from the mini fridge and shook my head> The fencing and bunker should be enough. I think they are watching you to try to take over the territory from me, harming you or your people would be counterintuitive for them.
<I snorted at the look on Paul’s face at the mention of wolves and waited until he was finished with Tyson before sending him out of the room with an order to keep everything that happened in the room quiet for now, then returned my attention to Tyson> If you feel that would be wise, I wouldn’t turn the offer down. Since we have men at your compound, it would balance the scales. Other than this situation, have you had any other troubles I need to be aware of?
Tyson: -shaking my head as I check under the gauze and see that my skin was already closing. I pulled the gauze off and threw it in the nearest trash can looking around the room for clothes to put on and settling for the scrubs that sat on a shelf in the room. Sliding the pants on I started talking again- Sorry, I’ve never been involved in anything like this before. I haven’t ever had anyone watching me to kill me or anyone I know. I mean… I’ve been in some stupid shit before but nothing like this. When I get home I’ll make sure that the wolves work out who can come and start running patrols here as well. With someone out there as brazen as this guy was thinking he could just sit in a tree watch and kill people who knows what else is being planned for you, or worse for the wolves. Things have actually been quiet at my place which is good because it frees us up some. I have some younger wolves that are single and don’t really have ties anywhere that would make for good runners here. They won’t be in a rush to come back home like the others. Did someone get the package? Who was the man I killed?
-My adrenaline was still flowing pretty good and I couldn’t sit still and realized I was pacing and rambling- Sorry. It’s been a while since I’ve had to do anything aggressive. I usually don’t get involved in anything like this. I’m not sure how you handle this all the time.
Javier: <I’m sure my eyes flashed a look of surprise when Tyson was flipping the gauze into the trash and the skin was remarkably free of any lingering evidence. If I hadn’t seen the bullet hole with my own eyes I would have thought he was pulling something for attention. I averted my gaze just before the strip show started and arched a brow when I saw Breno’s gaze linger a moment longer than it had reason to.I let out a low sigh, even as Tyson spoke> If this is too much for you to handle, we can dissolve our partnership now before any more hardships land at your feet. There is no need for you to risk your people, Tyson. We could…
<I shook my head and then held up a finger to pause my thought as I walked to the door to talk with Henrique who had just popped his head in. They were getting rid of the body, the packaged had been secured and put up but he had something he wanted me to see. He popped open the bifold wallet that was empty save for two slips of paper. No ID, and there had been none on his body either, just a card and a photo. The photo was a nice tight shot of me sitting on my bed one night watching something on my computer screen. There was a set of crosshairs hand drawn in just between my eyebrows where they creased in concentration. I rolled my eyes at the unoriginality of it all, trying not to show that I was phased in the slightest at just HOW that image was taken. I pulled out the sheet of paper with my name on it and unfolded it carefully, my gaze carefully snagging on the key words. I let out another slow breath before I turned to the pacing wolf in the room> The man you killed is of no consequence. He was a dead man before he set foot on the property, I am only sorry you had to be the one to end him. I wouldn’t want that on your conscious, Tyson. Again, if this will be too much for you, we can work out other arrangements. I will still assist in securing your compound as that was already promised, how much further we go I will leave up to you to decide.
Tyson: -I took a deep breath realizing I was way too hyped up for what was happening right now. I could feel the wolf in my mind sprawling out and relaxing as I steadied my breathing. I could feel Javier’s man Breno’s eyes on my body when I put on the clothes that I’d found. I didn’t care but it was kind of curious. I took another deep breath as I watched Javier interact with the man that had walked in with a wallet. I could smell the blood in the air of the man I killed and I was half proud of myself. I’d protected Javier and the people here from who knows what would have happened. I could smell the worry on Javier as he looked at the wallet and its contents.- I’m not worried about having to kill someone to keep you and your people here safe, Javier. I’m more worried about how long he’d been watching you undetected. But, I think sending some wolves here will resolve that issue. If you’ll just make room for them here with you so that if they decide to stay they feel welcome. I’m not interested in breaking any business agreements that we have because they’re far too profitable and we would all lose out on money that are doing good for the people we all care about. We’ll go as far as you and I decide we need to. If there’s more that needs to be done we’ll figure it out along the way. I guess I need to stop burying my head in the sand and maybe do more patrolling myself. Maybe get my wolves some more combat training since you’re putting a target on all of us
-I start chuckling- I guess we’re extended family now. You owe me one since I saved your life -beaming big-
Javier - <I couldn’t stop the low chuckle at the grin and Tyson’s words. He was cocky and his confidence had seemed to grow with each of our interactions. Having wolves on our side would definitely be advantageous. I would feel better when I had to travel to the other territories knowing there was extra eyes on my men. I motioned for Henrique to join the three of us in the room, the closed the door> When you figure out which wolves you can spare, we will make sure there is a place for them to stay. We’ll offer the same arrangement you have for my men on your land. Henrique and Breno can assist with training as there are no others I trust as much as these two. Since you’re here, we can also discuss the rest of the plans for your property. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long night, so I hope you have no other plans.
<As I spoke, Henrique slipped out and then returned with my laptop and files, Breno had cleared off the bloodstained table and soon we were getting down to business.>
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Thoughts on the match?
This is going to be a bit different. I’m sitting here writing this thousands of feet in the air, without service, in my notes, at this point probably more for therapy than anything else.
I think this would have been an okay game to drop points in. Any other season, this would have been an acceptable game to lose. There were two moments of absolute scramble in the box for Sociedad where the ball just didn’t seem to want to go in and their keeper made amazing point blank saves. There were two clear penalties that should have been called for us. We had 28 shots. We dominated possession and chances in the first half, and yet, we ended it down one goal. We got a player sent off in the second half for a weak second yellow and were down 10 men with 30+ minutes to go.
But there is something to be said for perspective. This might have been an okay game to lose, had we won other games this season. Had we been consistently playing well. Had we made the best tactical decisions in order to give us the best chance at victory. But in a season where we struggle against Eibar and Huesca and Villarreal and seemingly every team we play against, this is not an acceptable loss. It wouldn’t even have been an acceptable draw.
Let’s put more things into perspective. We had 28 shots, they had 12. But they had just 1 in the first half (the penalty), meaning they had 11 shots in the second. Our press fell apart in the second half. I’m not sure why this keeps happening. We had an excellent high press in the first half but here’s my theory: we lose faith. A high press requires high intensity and at some point in a game, our players lose the belief they have in themselves to win. They lose belief in themselves, their teammates, their manager. I’m not sure. But it isn’t pretty and it isn’t fun to watch.
And some more perspective. With our defeat today we have lost more games than Athletic Bilbao (this pains me to say because they are the other club I support in La Liga). Let’s make something clear: Athletic Bilbao are IN THE RELEGATION ZONE. They are going to be relegated for the FIRST TIME IN THEIR HISTORY if they don’t step up. And we’ve lost more games than them.
Courtois had a good game. There was nothing he reasonably could have done for the penalty and he is getting more comfortable coming off his line and dealing with through balls. Ramos had a good game. He made vital defensive interventions for us and should have drawn a penalty call in the box. Modric and Kroos both had a good game. Modric stopped several counter attacks and Kroos was prolific on the left side with his passing. Both combined well and had good movement and tracked back defensively. Vinicius had a great game. Sure, he was dispossessed 6 times. But he also completed 6 dribbles. He had 6 shots. These are numbers that I am okay with for an 18 year old. He was the only one getting behind lines, beating defenders with pace or skill. He was exciting on and off the ball. He too should have also drawn a penalty in the box. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a clearer penalty. I’ve even seen cards given for when keepers take players out like that. It was shocking.
Casemiro did not have a good game. He gave away an unnecessary penalty in the box in the first two minutes and despite contributing to our high press, he didn’t know what to do with the ball when he got it in the final third. Again, I’m left wondering if Llorente would have made a difference in this game. Marcelo did not have a good game. He lost possession in a dangerous position leading to their penalty and didn’t contribute offensively enough to make up for it. Again, he left our left flank exposed and teams are starting to take serious advantage of this. We need a plan to fix this. Vazquez did not have a good game. Aside from the red card, he was dispossessed 3 times in the first 5 minutes and often took too long in the box to make decisions. It wasn’t his best game, that’s for sure.
Looking back, I’m trying to decide if we actually had a good first half, or if I’m just happy with it due to the low standards this season has forced me to have. I want to be optimistic about this game and this season, but it will be hell. What I can offer in optimism, is the future. Vinicius looked exciting today, Reguilon came in for Marcelo late in the game, without much time to change things. Ceballos, though definitely not a CDM and should not have come on for Kroos, is looking good as well. Vinicius is 18. Reguilon is 22. Ceballos 22. Next year, we will have Rodrygo, who is 18 and I am so excited for. We will probably have Palacios (18) as well. Valverde (20) is on our bench who is a great talent, and Ordiozola (23) has looked, if not the finished product, at least exciting on the right flank. Asensio is still only 21. Isco is only 26. Courtois is 26 and we have Lunin (19) coming through our ranks as well. Cristo and Javi Sanchez are in our academy and have made first team debuts this season. Llorente, who I missed so much today, is only 23.
To me, Solari’s legacy will be the youth. It might be harsh to already be discussing his legacy, we still have a season to go and who knows what might happen. But I can’t see him staying through the summer or Perez allowing a team to be built around his vision. But he’s given us Llorente, and Javi Sanchez, and Reguilon. He’s played Ordiozola and Vinicius and that’s been one of the highlights of this season for me.
Sorry this is so long. I really have /nothing/ else to do on this flight. A bad result, a poor performance despite flashes of positivity.
The Copa del Rey is next and we’ll have to come out ready. I really can’t predict what will happen. As miserable as that is for a Real Madrid fan, as a football fan, I can’t deny this has been an exciting League season, where you really feel anyone can beat anyone. If we already knew the results before the game, why would anyone watch?
Thank you all if you stuck around to read my rambles. This fandom has been a treasure to find this past year ❤️ Hala Madrid ❤️
#real madrid#sergio ramos#luka modric#marcelo#dani carvajal#sergio reguilon#raphael varane#alvaro odriozola#casemiro#marcos llorente#fede valverde#exequiel palacios#toni kroos#dani ceballos#isco alarcon#vinicius jr#karim benzema#lucas vazquez#thibaut courtois#match analysis#1/6/19#wow sorry guys if this is weird?#🙈🙈🙈#rodrygo#marco asensio#cristo gonzalez#javi sanchez
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i’m emotionally exhausted today. javi had a tough convo with me this morning. it’s not something i’m used to but i appreciate his tough love. he doesn’t sugar coat or is a yes man to me. he brings me back when i’m falling apart. we both feel unwanted energy that continues to linger. and maybe that’s why i’m reminded of the pain from my past so heavily lately, who knows really. we both know that’s it’s time to block it. my friend has given me great suggestions to ease the hurt. i know closure is not always a for sure thing and that’s okay. we have to do our best to move on even if it never comes.
i’ve been losing a lot hair. my hair has thinned out twice it’s normal thickness. it terrifies me really. not sure if it’s due to stress/depression, my pcos, or something else. i also found a lump on my chest. i saw a dr this week and he ordered tests to see what the cause for my hair loss is and what the lump could be. now i’m just waiting for results. we’re always hoping for the best but it doesn’t help my overthinking. it’s all getting to me so intensely. i’m tired of the anxiety and crying every single day. i need help.
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masturbation as therapy
For the first time in my life I started seeing a therapist last year. Well, aside from that one time I went to a therapist in high school and refused to go back when she tried to assert that I needed God in my life. This therapist is not a “normal” therapist, but is a somatic experience practitioner, a practice which uses methods used by other animals when confronted with stress and trauma. It’s a deeply sensory experience that involves taking in your immediate physical environment and tuning it into how you feel, both physically and emotionally. It connects the physical world to the emotional, in its purest sense. It aims to enable you to regulate your own nervous system in times of personal need. It’s beautiful.
In our first session everything that came out of my mouth revolved around my experience of sexual assault as a young child. I’ve been aware for a long time of the lifelong traumatic effects of that event, but this session was the first time I had even considered that the chronic physical and emotional pain I’ve been coping with since my teenage years could be directly correlated with my childhood trauma, or even trauma in the womb. I’ve repeatedly injured myself on my right side and have consistent right-sided pain unrelated to injury, running from behind my right eyeball down to the shoulder, down my hip and ending in my foot. I have flare ups in my wrists and hands that prevent me from handwriting anything for months at a time; there was a 3 month stretch where I couldn’t hold a book open and had to read with a book stand (tried Kindles; can’t stand them). My point in all this is to emphasize how incredibly damaging sexual trauma can be, especially when held onto without deep examination. The right-specific pain could be directly related to the assault—maybe my perpetrator came at me from the right side; I don’t have that memory anymore, so who knows. I do know that I can now generally recognize when old patterns may be resurfacing (happens all the time) and can attempt to relieve tension before it leads to my inability to write or walk on that stubborn foot.
These sessions I used to examine the parts of myself that most needed attention, the parts that haven’t gotten attention since I first became sexually active at age 14. While I’m focusing here on sexuality and experiences of sex, much of the work I’ve had to do is not necessarily directly related to sex (disclaimer); this is a part of the whole. My recollection of very young Kara’s sex life still makes me cringe, 12 years later. Heated, rushed, secretive, misinterpreted. What a shame that enthusiastic consent wasn’t a part of my life, or even in my vocabulary, until mid-college years. Too many things happened that I was nowhere near ready for, resulting in my unpacking the trauma over and over again as years passed, always under-resourced to do so. I skulked away from every sexual encounter feeling like I had sinned, though I grew up with no concept of sinning in the eyes of God. Every bit of it was dirty, even if—especially if—I enjoyed it. I communicated none of this to my partners, and really haven’t begun doing so until the past few years. By the time I reached college the only way I could have sex was to submit entirely, which inevitably led me to disconnect even when I loved my partners, which then led to interactions that felt particularly assault-like. Again, consent was not part of my understanding and, even if it had been, I was so uncertain of who I was as a sexual being that I wouldn’t have known what to do with it. Throughout my life there have been themes over and over again that trigger a crisis regarding my sexual orientation. I think it becomes a crisis and ends in a lack of self-acceptance because of my sexual history—I’ve exerted so much energy trying to be okay with sex with men regardless of countless negative interactions that it scares me to imagine that maybe all I needed to do was rediscover my sexuality and self in a new light.
I didn’t masturbate until I was 18 years old. Not once. It’s not that it felt like forbidden territory; I was simply confused as to what kind of sexual pleasure one should be striving for. I knew that it felt really good when a partner went down on me but it also felt extremely vulnerable and often not safe. Rather than reimagining what an orgasm could be if taken into my own hands, I froze. Many of us have some sort of freeze pattern when dealing with immediate trauma and we enact those patterns when revisiting it. Fear kept me from determining my sexual needs and preferred forms of pleasure. By late college and beyond I had more of an understanding of what I liked, felt more comfortable giving more of my energy to men and actually had growth in my sexual relationships, most likely in part because I discovered self-induced pleasure (hello, self-care!).
Flash forward 5 years and I feel like I’m back to square one in a way, but with more of a foundation to work with. I’m way more comfortable with my attraction to non-males, thanks to undying support from some wonderful friends. But I’m particularly interested, and have been for the past year, in how I and others use masturbation and self-pleasure in their everyday lives. Do we use it as a path toward trauma recovery, and how? Maybe we’re not practicing masturbation with any sort of trauma resolution in mind, but are there ways it’s contributing to resolution subconsciously? I don’t know, but I know that I’ve had some serious, intense, sometimes heavy experiences with masturbation that have encouraged me to give myself more of that attention.
At the end of last summer, after just completing a year-long service position in SE Ohio, I was given a housesitting gig. I’d had such a busy year leading to that moment—serving in that position, working through some deep trauma through somatic experiencing, going through some tumult in my romantic relationship, continuing to feel confused about my feelings towards men and how that related to my trauma—and all of a sudden I was alone in a house with dogs, cats, chickens and an immaculate garden, and my only responsibility was to take care of them. I’m a caretaker by nature; nothing makes me happier than spending all my time with plants and animals, not to mention the woods the house stood on which contained a massive bounty of chanterelle mushrooms. I wasn’t too lonely with all that surrounded me there, but I felt heavy. Really heavy. I was coping again with a lot of questions about my romantic relationship and finally had the space to dig deep. August in Ohio is dreamlike with its thick humidity. This was the month of the total solar eclipse—I was by myself on the back deck that day, peering through one of those cereal box viewers I had made. I remember calling my friend Javi during and she hadn’t gotten the memo that she wasn’t supposed to look directly at the sun. We were both alone viewing it in odd ways and we laughed about that. I spent hours inside or on the back deck in the blazing sun during those days, doing yoga and listening to NPR too much, and trying to imagine myself as I wished I was. One day I was so lost, so fragile and confused—I laid on my yoga mat on the back deck with no clothes on and I started touching myself. It was probably 95 degrees outside, no clouds in the sky, full-on direct sun on the deck. I masturbated there, flat on my back, sweat collecting on the mat beneath me, and I felt momentarily whole again. I cried and I hugged myself, and the sky started to look different. This was one of the times I’ve felt most dropped into my body, like what was happening then and there was my entire reality. It was truly a psychoactive experience, akin to taking mushrooms. It’s really an impossible experience to explain, but it’s been invaluable to my personal development and has opened my eyes to the sacredness of self-pleasure, particularly in female-bodied folks or those assigned female at birth.
That was nearly a year ago, but today my interest has been rekindled as just this morning I’ve had another experience with masturbation that was equally remarkable. I’m going through a lot at the moment, though I won’t complain or self-pity, as the growth is already so tangible. I’m finally, FINALLY acknowledging that my emotional health demands that I explore my sexuality more constructively, which includes expanding my horizons solo and with women. The moment I made that decision my arousal increased significantly, like amazingly so. Sexual autonomy is so crucial to my healing process, so much that my body is thanking me. And it’s my wish to respond by furthering a sexual relationship with myself that involves intentional, positive masturbation. I realize how much work I have to do with re-creating a positive sexual space for myself and carrying that into any encounters with future partners I may have. Approaching such healing would be so much easier if there were safer spaces for discussion (or even practice). I hope that communities the world over can de-stigmatize discussion of personal pleasure and fulfillment in everyday interactions, and encourage each other to explore the use of masturbation for deep healing.
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