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cillianmesoftlyyy · 3 months

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I Can Fix That... | Dr. Jonathan Crane x fem!reader

Summary| She's the detective assigned to investigate one of Gotham's top villains, Falcone, but as she follows her leads, she uncovers a new suspect: Dr. Jonathan Crane. His charisma and good looks won't stand in the way of justice, or at least that's what she thinks.

Warnings| Mentions of self-harm in the beginning in accordance to the movie (Batman Begins 2005). Not explicitly discussed but implied sexist and misogynistic work environment. Some archaic language when discussing psychiatric hospitals bc I tried to follow the language that the movie used. Violence with needles, drugging someone. Gun is mentioned but not used. Knife is mentioned a lot but never used to inflict pain. Smut, dubious consent, unprotected sex, restraints.

word count: 6757k (long-ass story bc I didn't want to make separate posts)

Song for a Guilty Sadist- Crywank 🎶

Butch 4 Butch- Rio Romeo 🎵

IFHY (feat. Pharrell)- Tyler, The Creator 🎶

Please read warnings before continuing, thanks <3

She had been following him for weeks, stealing into the shadows at every turn as Jonathan Crane walked through Gotham City’s Police Station. She’d been suspicious of him for months and with the men in the police force finally working up the nerve to investigate Gothem’s leading henchman, Falcone, she’d uncovered a theory that pointed simultaneously at the notorious psychiatrist. Of course, the men in her force had refused to believe her, reminding her of Crane’s long history with the department and work to establish Gothem’s Psychiatric Hospital for the Criminally Insane: Arkham Asylum. But the real reason why Crane had never been investigated was because of his status in the department of justice, and it didn’t hurt that the man was charismatic. He knew how to work the system to get what he wanted.

Jonathan Crane had a reputation of declaring criminals insane after mere minutes of deliberation, especially those who happened to work with or for Falcone. She’d been in charge of carrying out Falcone’s case and taking him to trial as a detective for the prosecution. After being put in jail, Falcone had managed to slash his wrists just enough to draw attention and a little bit of blood. He was immediately flagged for psychiatric evaluation, bringing Jonathan Crane once again into the basement interrogation rooms to administer an interview. When he clamored down the steps onto the basement floor, she was waiting for him by the door into Falcone’s interrogation room.

“Dr. Crane,” she greeted him with a smile, drawing every ounce of her long lost theater-kid days into play.

“Miss —,” he remembered her name and shook her hand with a serious glint in his blue eyes, covered by harsh rectangular glasses. His handshake was firm and strong, and he made eye contact that still shook her even after speaking with him so many times before. She didn’t let it show, however, and nodded towards the door.

“He cut his wrists last night during the changing of the guard but we don’t know how he even got access to the weapon that he used; and I’ve spoken with him numerous time since we processed him and he’s never given me any reason to suspect that he was mentally unstable, but of course, you are the professional. It’s better that he be evaluated anyway-”

“In case anything were to happen,” he finished for me and clenched his jaw. He gave a curt nod of his head and went inside, shutting the door behind him and drawing the blinds on the door closed. She scoffed quietly beneath her breath and clenched her fists. Don’t be fooled by his good looks or superior smile, she told herself, Jonathan Crane was capable of things that she didn’t know of yet. He was not someone to admire, he was someone to distrust.

After only ten minutes of quiet murmuring, she could hear clear and blood curdling screams through the door. She knocked on the door, “Dr. Crane?” She called through the door but it opened in her face before she could do anything. He stood in the doorway, his dark hair falling into his pale, angular face.

“He’s definitely what I would classify as mentally unstable,” he chuckled calmly as he side-stepped her and closed the door. He ran a hand through his hair and fixed the glasses perched on his nose. “I can’t treat him here, I’ll need to move him to Arkham.”

“Are you sure?” She asked, more surprised than anything. He had started to walk down the hallway to the stairs when he turned around, stopping right in front of her face, his breath fanned across her face.

“Are you questioning my diagnosis, detective?” He smirked, an underlying tone of warning below his wide-lipped smile. His blue eyes were unwavering as he studied her face, she swallowed to steady herself.

“No, sir. Of course not.” She apologized and crossed her arms across her chest, ducking her head nervously. When she looked back up, his eyebrow was cocked.

“Do I make you nervous, detective?” He smiled and she could tell he was setting a trap, attempting to make himself more likable, more trusting. As if he could be anything of the sort. She laughed lightly and met his eyes, holding his eye-contact defiantly.

“No, sir.” She answered and he nodded.

“Good day, Miss —.” He called with his back turned, walking to the stairs and climbing them quickly. She watched him leave and finally released a sigh of relief. There was something about him that unsettled her, but it was something that also attracted her with a devious strength, ripping factual and independent reasoning from her head.

She had started following him when one of Falcone’s men had been moved to Arkham two weeks before. She switched her assignment for the day to escort the man to Arkham, getting a chance to see the asylum for herself. It was a large gothic building with a modern facade in the center of Gotham. The attendants at the door led the prisoner (or patient now) through the heavily guarded door into the hospital’s main ward that was closed to visitors. Even police or other officials had to obtain a special license that granted them clearance into the institution. The second time she’d stepped inside, she was following a few yards behind Crane, studying how he actually entered the building. They had a separate entrance for the asylum’s psychiatrists at the side of the building by the alley. She waited a few minutes for Crane to enter the building before she approached the guard stationed at the door and flashed her badge. He’d allowed her in but warned that he’d lose his job if he did it again. The next time she followed him, she would need a new method of entering the building, one that didn’t alert Crane that she was in the building in case he got suspicious. When she entered it was easier to blend in so she followed the maze of hallways until she reached a small hub with arrows guiding attendants to the different wards of the hospital. Dr. Crane’s office was included in the psychiatrist ward (funny they had their own ward).

The psychiatrists each had their own labs, whether or not they used them was their own business, but she knew for sure that Crane used his but for what, she didn’t know. Walking down the hallway to his office, she peeked inside the wide panel of glass into his lab. He had one assistant who was copying his notes into a binder for Crane but quickly left when Crane shooed him away from the set of beakers and vials of powders he was working with. She flattened herself against the wall and pretended to answer a call on her phone as the assistant passed her in the hallway. She hurried to leave the institute, leaving through the same door she entered, thanking the security guard discreetly.

This time as she watched Crane climb the stairs, she pulled aside a police officer and explained Falcone’s transfer. The officer nodded and left to initiate the transfer to Arkham, Falcone’s hysterical screams still audible through the thick steel door. Crane tugged at the starched collar of his shirt as he crossed the lobby of the police station, sighing in relief. Falcone had tried to corner him. Him! Falcone may have been powerful but he was stupid and Crane didn’t have patience for stupidity especially from someone who was supposed to be a criminal mastermind. News flash: he wasn’t. Falcone was sloppy and arrogant, he didn’t take his own threats seriously. He’d threatened to tell the police about Crane’s experimental drug concoctions but in reality, he still didn’t know the full extent of what Crane was planning to do to Gotham.

“You don’t know anything,” Crane said pointedly, tired of Falcone’s attitude.

“I know that half of the drugs we moved belong to you and the police still don’t know what they are or what they can do.” Falcone scratched his greasy nose. Crane almost laughed. He removed his glasses and sighed, reaching into his open briefcase.

As soon as the words, “would you like to see my mask,” left his mouth, Falcone was done for. The only thing that had inspired a shred of panic for Crane was hearing the girl’s voice through the steel door, calling his name. He expected her to open the door and see his mask, and while he had an explanation that a normal officer would believe, he knew that she was different. He didn’t trust her but something about her made him laugh. She was good looking and smart but too invested in his work and he didn’t like that. He’d have to keep an eye on the young detective, Miss —. In fact, he’d like to strap her down… hide her away in his asylum and play with her head like he did with his other playthings - - - oops - - - patients. Same thing.

She pretended that her plan was straightforward, it was the only way that she could convince herself to go through with it. No one else in her department would have had the balls to sneak into the asylum where once you went in, you may not be able to leave, that is- if Dr. Crane diagnosed you accordingly. She left a note on her desk in her office, explaining where she was going and the evidence she had already collected. Photos, “destroyed” medical records, and recent missing shipments from cargo ships including one micro-wave machine meant for warfare. She made copies of everything and hid them away in a special box directed to the only person she really trusted in her department, Sgt. Gordon. Even if someone dumped the notes on her desk, Sgt. Gordon would find the box of evidence, she knew. Falcone had been transferred the day before and was nearing his second night in the institution, now was her time to investigate what he was planning to do to him and why.

She stashed a small knife at her thigh, having learned that a woman had to carry multiple weapons in this city if she wanted to protect herself, which unfortunately, happened often. She checked her weapon and put it in her holster at the small of her back. She was wearing a gray quarter length top tucked into a black skirt. She pulled on her straight black leather coat and closed the door to her office, locking the door. She knew that Crane would be in his office, he almost never went home, and with Falcone there and at risk to disclose sensitive information, he would be sure to stay close by.

The sun had already set hours before when she approached Arkham Asylum. Each window was bright with light but it didn’t make the building any more welcoming. She shivered as she approached the side door, seeing a different security guard at the door. He stood when she approached, not recognizing her.

“Stand down, officer. I’m detective — on police business,” she showed him her badge.

“You’ll have to check in at the front, detective.” The officer sat back down with a nod.

“My business here is strictly confidential; Dr. Crane said I could enter in this way.” She pointed at the side door and the officer looked nervously at her. He reached for his walkie-talkie.

“I’m here about Falcone. I am the detective assigned to his case, he was transferred here two days ago. I’m supposed to meet with Dr. Crane about some of the things Falcone has said during his initial treatment. Because of the sensitivity of Falcone’s case in the department, as I’m sure you know, the department has asked that we keep this confidential. No one inside can know that I was here to meet about Falcone. We haven’t told the public yet that he’s been transferred here. Your compliance is necessary for this.” She lied out of her ass but the officer nodded slowly when she finished, his eyes widening at the mention of Falcone’s name.

“Oh, of course. I’m sorry for delaying you. It’s just business.”

“I understand completely, thank you officer.” She smiled kindly as the officer scanned her in. Once she was inside she hid her police badge and followed the path she had scouted days before, following the black arrows to the psychiatrist ward (again, funny that they had their own ward- almost as if they were patients themselves). Her black mary janes squeaked quietly as she finally turned onto the hallway where Dr. Crane’s office was located. A row of fluorescent bulbs flickered ominously and she rolled her eyes, silently cursing the asylum for its additional eeriness. His lab was empty and dark and his office was empty though the lights were still on. An assistant passed her, coming from a different lab with a pile of boxes in her arms.

“Excuse me, do you know where Dr. Crane is right now?” She asked the assistant who shuffled the boxes in her arms to answer.

“I saw him in the ward with the new transfer patients just before I picked these up, so he’s probably about to start a sit-down with a patient. Do you have an appointment with him?” She asked curiously, knowing it was too late for a business meeting.

“No, I work in the office and I was going to request a few files to finish a transfer of a patient but it seems that he’s busy. I’ll try tomorrow morning. Thank you!” She smiled and the assistant nodded.

“Have a nice night,” the assistant hurried off down the corridor into the hub. She wasted no time in checking the door to Crane’s office which was miraculously unlocked. She hurried inside and closed the door, making sure that she left everything as she had found it. The door to the lab was located inside Crane’s office, so she entered the lab through the office. The blinds were closed to the outside so she opened the flashlight on her phone and scanned the dark lab tables for the powders she had seen before. The room smelled heavily of chemicals and cleaning solution and it was hard to breathe normally already because she was nervous. The first table was empty of anything but the second was set up for what looked to be his next round of testing. A box that looked like a closed mouse trap was set up on the table. There was a single switch on the top of the box which she knew better than to turn but she examined it nonetheless, hoping to see what it may contain. A tray of petri dishes full of powder sat beside it. Each was marked with a different series of numbers and letters, denoting their different status, she assumed. She recognized the series on one of the dishes: F7jw009. The number had appeared on the list of drugs recovered from Falcone’s drug transport. It was one that hadn’t yet been tested to see what it was composed of. She didn’t recognize the two other dishes but she assumed the powder and the mousetrap device were used for the same thing.

There was a small bookcase attached to the base of the lab table and she crouched, scanning the spines. The books on the top, free of dust, were on phobias. A bound scientific paper on the chemical structure of fear sat on top of the textbooks. She picked it up and flipped through the pages, noticing strokes of pen and notes on many of the pages. In the centerfold of the paper, she saw a picture of a cartoon scarecrow, one from a halloween decoration. It looked like it had been ripped from a kid’s storybook. She stared at the picture, struggling to place where she had heard about a scarecrow before in the precinct… she flipped farther through the pages and landed on a second photo shoved between the pages. It was a drawing of a mask made of burlap. The mask resembled a scarecrow’s face, she furrowed her eyebrows, more uneasy. Finally, she flipped to the very end where she found a clear note detailing what Crane thought the synopsis of the paper had been:

Fear can be constructed using a series of complex compounds and put into an admissible form. They have already invented serums that temporarily remove the presence of fear by blocking certain receptors in the brain that receive signals of distress or pain. By doing the very opposite, temporarily numbing the receptors that calm the nervous system when danger has been averted, fight or flight is heightened and the human mind is more susceptible to the suggestion of danger and terror. Fear merely needs to be suggested to elicit a response after the brain is prepped for the reaction. Fear can be weaponized. Building the compounds of fear into a powder, the drug can be administered immediately into the air and receive a simultaneous reaction. Pills? Water? How can we distribute this powder? What is the easiest way to administer fear to the entire population?

iii

The distinct click of a door opening and closing shocked her back to attention. She put the bound paper back onto the shelf and switched off the light on her phone. In the dark she scrambled into a hidden alcove inside the lab behind one of the hooded chemical boxes. She was pretty sure that the lab’s closet would be shared with the lab next door but she couldn’t remember which side of the room it was on. Dr. Crane had gone into his office and removed his suit jacket. He was too excited by Falcone’s reaction to his fear serum in powder form and he needed to get a handle on himself. It was nearly midnight when he checked his watch. Most of his colleagues would be gone by now, just the night staff remained to look after the patients. Night was the perfect time to work undisturbed in his lab, especially because his assistant couldn’t know the full extent of his research into the chemical compounds of human fear. He slipped his coat over the back of his desk chair and rolled up the sleeves of his shirt to his elbows.

He exhaled slowly and removed a stack of papers from his desk, flipping through them as he opened the door into his lab and kicked the door closed with the heel of his shoe. His elbow flicked on the lightswitch and he spread out the papers on the first lab table, seemingly absorbed by the chemical structures his assistant had prepared for him to review. He scribbled a note in red pen on the corner of the document, berating his assistant for his obvious mistake with one of the compound structures. What was this? High school chemistry class? He licked his thumb and turned the page, writing another note in the margin.

“I know you’re here, Miss —.” He smiled, not looking up from his notes. He tossed the first set of pages further down the table and moved to the next one. “You and your perfume… I can always tell where you’ve been by your scent. I don’t think you’re naive enough to wear perfume in your field, especially when on your little jaunts into other people’s business. So, the lovely smell is from your shampoo, I venture. You use an expensive brand of shampoo because you think that your hair is your best attribute, and I agree, it's one of the best. Your job makes you feel dirty too, doesn’t it? This city makes you feel dirty and so you wash your hair every night with the same sulfate-free shampoo to get the smell of our city out of your system. Your shampoo smells like mint and you like it the best because it makes your head feel cleaner, tingly,” he laughed and moved to the next stack of stapled papers. “And that’s why you chose this job, a detective, because you feel like you’re cleaning up our streets; removing all of the bad blood of Gotham but it’s been a disappointment to say the least. The system is backwards, though you knew that from the beginning, you thought you could fix it. You want things to be right and I don’t blame you, so do I.”

Dr. Crane finished writing a note on the last paper and capped the pen. He circled the table once before moving to the second table.

“I’m cleaning the city in my own way, I guess you could say. This city needs a restart button, a way to begin everything again and start fresh. Fear can do that, fear can be controlled and it controls.”

She could barely breathe, her back was pressed against the wall of his lab. She was scared and she knew that he knew. Fear was his thing, his kink and she anticipated the absolute worst as she waited out her fate, wondering how long it would take for him to find her or if she could manage to escape.

“This machine can diffuse the compounded form of fear. I’ve used it on most of your suspects, all of them Faclone’s men. I even used it on Falcone himself. Oh, I wish you could have seen his face! The second the powder entered his system he abandoned the arrogant criminal persona, he reverted back to who he was at his very core. He was suddenly controllable and easy to manage. So you see how this could be used to clean up Gotham. It’s a way to seize back control of our city, take it away from the people who run it now; the sycophants and billionaires.”

Crane pulled a needle from the drawer at his hip and flicked the glass tube. Her chest rose and fell in a state of panic. Dr. Crane leaned against the counter calmly.

“That’s why you like me. I’m clean. I’m orderly and smart. I’m the opposite of the criminal justice system that reminds you of this dirty city. And, Y/N, that’s why I like you.”

She tensed at his use of her first name. She’d never heard him use it before and it sent a chill down her spine. She reached for her gun. Dr. Crane rounded the corner and stabbed the needle into her neck, pushing the tranquilizer into her bloodstream. She wobbled before slumping back against the wall. She managed to push past him and run for the office door but the drugs worked almost immediately and her legs began to go numb. She couldn’t feel anything below her waist and she worried that he would break her legs running without being able to feel which bones she was using to get away. She collapsed on the floor of the lab and looked up at Dr. Crane who smiled down at her, his hair disheveled.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” he cooed and crouched at her feet, “I applaud you for your efforts. You may have succeeded had I not recognized the smell of your shampoo. I know you’ve been here before. You’re a smart girl but I won this game, and the victor gets the spoils. That’s how it works, Miss —.” He crawled over her and pulled the needle from her neck. She didn’t even feel it. Her hair that he loved so much was fanned out on the floor, falling in loose curls. He twirled a curl between his fingers and nodded approvingly.

“Don’t worry, I’ll treat you with the utmost respect. Afterall, you are my colleague, of sorts,” he shrugged and stood up, straddling her. “It’s a pity that you became a detective. You would have done well in this bloodthirsty field because,” he disappeared for a moment and returned with a set of keys which he slipped into his front pocket, “you’re like me.”

He pulled her up and put one of her arms around his shoulder, supporting the brunt of her weight that way. Though he was small and lanky, he was muscular and strong. He dragged her through the door in his lab that connected to a separate room that she hadn’t even noticed. He flipped the light switch with his elbow and sighed with pleasure when the room was lit up with light.

“Here it is. This is where the real fun happens, Y/N. This is where I test my new treatments on our most psychotic patients. Falcone will be here soon, perhaps tomorrow once you and I finish our discussion.” The room was smaller than the lab and housed what looked like a mortuary slab. She tried to scream but her mouth was numb. He dragged her to the table and lifted her onto the flat surface. The numerous straps he buckled around her waist, her wrists, and her feet. When she was secured onto his table, he pushed a peddle at his foot which titled the table forward, propping her more upright.

“Ah, and now I can finally see you,” Dr. Crane smiled and moved her hair so that it was caught behind her back. He straightened her hair against her chest, running his fingers through the strands. He moved a stool in front of the table and sat on it, his legs spread and his arms across against his chest. “Do I make you nervous now, detective?” He smirked and chuckled darkly when she couldn’t respond. “It will wear off soon. It’s one of those doses that act quickly but then wear off just as quickly. I wouldn’t do anything to you while you were in this state. What kind of man would I be if I did that?”

He watched her for a few minutes, his bright blue eyes trailing up and down her body. She knew what that look meant from men. Her gun was so close and yet she knew she wouldn't be able to reach it even when she regained control over her body. While he waited, he arranged numerous tools and vials around the room, humming softly to himself. She could feel herself starting to get feeling back in her stomach as the blood recirculated from her heart. Her hands and her feet took the longest to twitch awake. She dropped her head from left to right, groaning in the absence of words. Dr. Crane came back and checked her pulse, pinching her wrist and counting the seconds on his watch.

“Good girl, you’re coming back. Can you speak yet?” He supported her chin with his hand and when she didn’t answer he nodded. “That’s all right. You’re all right.” He soothed her and she couldn’t help but relax as his eyes checked over her. “Now, Miss —, where are your weapons?” He posed the question theoretically and touched her, she flinched beneath his hands. He felt around her waist and inside her jacket. “There aren’t many places to hide it.” He whispered and wrapped his hands around her waist, finding the gun at the small of her back. “Ah, here it is.” He smiled as he took the gun from its holster and tossed it onto a small lab table. “You have something else, don’t you. You’re smart so of course, you have a second weapon.” He licked his lips, thinking but it didn’t take him long to trail his hands up her thighs, glancing up into her eyes as he did. Her skirt rose as he felt below it and soon, his fingers were on top of the knife’s handle.

“What do we have here?” He lifted her skirt, showing the knife’s hiding place at the top of her thigh. “This is honestly almost funny so forgive me if I laugh.” He ripped the knife from the holster and she cried out as much as she could, terrified by his quick movement. He let her skirt fall back into place and twirled the knife in his hand, examining the small blade. “You’ve just made my night so much more interesting, Miss —.” He smirked darkly.

She finally regained her ability to speak though her words were jumbled and hard to get out around her tongue.

“Use your words, honey.” Dr. Crane frowned frustratedly.

“Please…” she managed, “don’t… hurt… me.” She pushed the words out and he listened carefully.

“Oh but it’s so hard to resist when you so willingly came here and with your own weapons. Can you see how this might be hard for me?” He furrowed his brow as he spoke and she couldn’t tell what was sarcasm and what was real.

“It was nothing personal… I had a job to do.” She whispered weakly and he cocked his head, his lips parted.

“You know it's funny because Falcone’s men all said the same thing. I know you didn’t work with them… but I can make it look like you did.” He whispered close to her face and her chest clenched with fear. “I can do whatever I want, do you understand? I have the power to say that you checked yourself in and I evaluated you. I found you on the verge of a psychotic breakdown because we all know you were already prone to hysterics. But your office shouldn’t worry because I’ll be your psychiatrist. And so what if you happen to disappear- go missing? No one comes in here, except for you, and that was stupid.”

“You might die tonight, detective. I’m sorry to say it because you are one of the most attractive women I have met in Gotham and I fear that you have ruined our chances of continuing this to a second date.” He studied the curvature of her clavicle as it dipped above her sternum. Not knowing what else to do, she kissed him. Dr. Crane stiffened as her lips met his. He pulled away, stopping short a few inches from her mouth.

“What are you doing?” He raised his eyebrow.

“If I’m going to die, I might as well make the most of it,” she shrugged and kissed him again, her head leaning as far forward as she could reach. She hoped that she sounded truthful enough. He pulled away again and stared at her, his forehead creased as he watched her. She panted softly, straining against her restraints. Her cheeks were flushed and her chest had broken out into hives from the stress. Fear made her even more beautiful. Going against his better judgment, he leaned forward into her and kissed her hesitantly. Slowly, he began to kiss her more aggressively, his tongue dragging against the roof of her mouth before he captured her top lip in a deep kiss. Her hands instinctively went to reach for his hair but they snapped back against the table. He broke away, panting, and took a few steps back, resting his back against the wall.

“I don’t trust you,” he put his hands on his hips, still holding the knife.

“What can I do, Jonathan?” She tried using his first name and he raised an eyebrow again, “I can’t move, no one can hear me scream, you’re going to kill me… what reason is there left to trust me? So, either kiss me or go ahead and kill me.” She nearly cried, overwhelmed and terrified. Her plan had been to seduce him, to use most men’s fatal flaw against him, but she worried that it wouldn’t work with Dr. Jonathan Crane. In a way, she had planned for this. The evidence was back in her office waiting to be discovered. She hadn’t gotten a chance to take pictures of the lab but maybe depending on how far he went with this, she could get away. But God, even though she was terrified and held on a slab against her will, he was beautiful. He was looking at her with his aquamarine eyes, his black hair gelled and falling around his face. Even his glasses looked perfect on his face.

“Jonathan…” she started with a shakily voice, “despite why I came today and what you’ve told me about what you want to do to Gotham, right now, more than anything, I want you to come here and kiss me because while I may hate you and you may be the cause of my death, I want you. Give me some comfort if you’re going to take everything away from me.”

“Freud would have some things to say about you, Y/N.” He pushed his glasses higher on the bridge of his nose and studied the edge of the knife. “Your psychology is so interesting,” he flicked his eyes up to her’s and set the knife down on the table. “To study you…” he trailed off as he loosened his tie and ripped it from his neck. He approached her, standing far enough away that she couldn’t reach him with her mouth. She exhaled, waiting. “I almost studied anatomy,” he pushed a hand against her navel, holding her even more in place.

“Why didn’t you?” She whispered.

“I loved the human mind too much to abandon it,” he smiled and drew a hand up her thigh. Her muscles spasmed beneath his hand. He leaned in against her ear, “I know you’re scared of me,” he whispered calmly, “and isn’t that incredible? That you can be so afraid of something that you want so much?” His hand pulled down her underwear and it stretched between her open thighs, held apart by the restraints. His hand went further still, gently tracing the folds of her labia. She knew that she was wet and it embarrassed her, though she knew it helped confirm her story that she wanted him, he didn’t seem to care either way. His thumb rubbed her clit as he slowly inserted his middle finger into her, pushing past the initial resistance. She always hated fingering because it didn’t feel like how people pretended it did. That being said, she sighed as he gently inserted a second finger and pulled against the top of her cunt, fingering her slowly.

“The body holds fear because our bodies hold memories,” he explained as he pressed her clit harder. “I can find what really scares you and I can fix it.”

“I’m scared of you,” she whispered, her breath escaping in a sharp pant.

“I can fix that.”

He pulled his fingers out of her and held her neck still against the table as he kissed her. The sense of urgency to fight and escape melted into an afterthought when the back of his hand slid slowly down one side of her neck, making the tendons flex. He held her neck still as he kissed down to her collarbones, licking their shelves and tracing the bone with his tongue. His free hand groped her breast over her tight shirt and then surrounded her waist. She started shifting her hips back and forth, wishing that she had something between them to relieve the pressure she felt. He smiled against her skin and clicked his tongue, pulling away from her. He pressed the pedal again with his foot and the table reclined once again as it had been. He climbed onto the table and sat above her on his knees, looking down at her as she panted.

“Look at me,” he told her and made sure that her eyes met his. “I have no plans to kill you tonight and I know this act is solely for the benefit of your own survival. But knowing that I will not kill you, would you like to change your mind?” He put both hands around her waist, showing the pale flesh of his forearms. She tried to weigh her options, she tried to think clearly but it all felt like a dream. It didn’t feel real enough to have consequences, so she shook her head and licked her lips quickly.

“No, keep going.” She whispered, “please.” Dr. Crane chuckled lightly and trailed his fingers down to her ankles.

“In that case, would you like to see my mask?” He smiled darkly, teasing her.

“No, I want to see your face.” She answered calmly and he nodded.

“Fine.” He removed the restraints around her ankles. He took the knife from the table and cut away her underwear with one strong swipe of the blade. She gasped and he smirked, “I’m a doctor, remember? I know how to use a knife, detective.”

He put the knife aside and pulled her knees up, sitting between them. He unbuckled his pants and withdrew his erection, glistening with precum. He guided himself into her with his hand, his eyes never leaving her face. She gasped again as he entered her. He rocked his hips slowly back and forth and groaned, watching her mouth open in a silent moan. She raised her knees higher, closer to her chest, giving him a better angle at which to fuck her. His hands pressed against her stomach and his thrusts became faster as his body began to learn hers.

“You’re getting wetter,” he observed with a sly smile, “I must be doing something right.” He teased her as he started to rub her clit with his thumb, the rest of his hand pressed against her uterus. She couldn’t even speak. It had been months since she’d last had sex and even then, it wasn’t good sex. “I’m going to go harder but you can take it,” he told her matter of factly and placed either hand by her hips on the table. Leaning forward he shifted his hips slowly but harder, going deeper without much care for how her body adapted to the thrusts. “There you go,” he grunted as his hips bucked rhythmically into hers. She cried out, her body sliding up and down against the table, hot with her perspiration. Holding onto the top of the table, he moved farther up, pushing more inside of her, and started thrusting fast. He was suddenly in so deep and only backing away a few inches before snapping back in. Her hips bounced off of his and she gripped the excess material around her wrists to help her stay stationary.

“Slow… God, please! Slow down… its so much, fuck.” She whimpered and smiled down at her face, flushed and angry with red. He slowed his hips, squeezing his glutes together whenever he thrusted inside. He leaned down and kissed her slowly, still rocking in and out of her. Her body shuttered from the high and started to build a more even climax. She hummed against his lips, her voicing getting higher as she started to orgasm.

“And here comes the orgasm,” Jonathan smiled and sped up slightly, leaving hickies up and down her neck. She orgasmed with a shuttering cry that she couldn’t cover with her hand, but he didn’t let her finish there. “Fuck, you got so tight again.” He groaned as she panted, her system overwhelmed with waves of pleasure and exertion. She started to tighten further around him as her thighs squeezed his hips. Her breath left her lungs in short pants and she moaned beneath him like a pitiful creature. “Are you cumming again?” He laughed and stroked her cheek. She nodded weakly and he kissed her again briefly.

“Its so tight, fuck. I won’t last much longer like this.” He took her hips in his hands and started a steady rhythm, pulling her hips onto his cock and thrusting at the same time. She came around him and he groaned animalistically, his thrusts becoming more sporadic and needy. He watched her breasts bounce inside her shirt and how he slid in and out of her, her cum collecting at the base of his shaft. Finishing with fast, desperate movements, he moaned loudly. She felt him finish inside her and it felt almost better than if she had finished herself. He pulled down her bottom lip with his thumb and admired her fucked-out face. Her pupils were shot and she shook slightly from the high. Finally, he pulled out and stuffed himself back into his pants. He sighed as he straightened his clothes and ran a hand through his hair. He took the gun and the knife and stuffed them both into a drawer and locked it with a set of keys from his pocket. They stared at each other for a while until Jonathan broke the silence, clearing his throat.

“You’re coming home with me tonight, Miss —. We’ll decide what to do with you later.”

#cillian x fem!reader #cillian murphy #cillian murphy x reader #fanfiction #cillian fanfic #smut #peaky blinders #jonathan crane smut #jonathan crane x reader #jonathan crane fanfic #hot scarecrow #young cillian murphy #dc scarecrow #jonathan crane

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meryldian · 10 months

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omg love your writing its so GOOD

do you think you could do some more headcanons about growing up with devilsh

np if you cant have a good day or night ❤

★ Growing up with Devilish & Being Tokio Hotel’s 5th member ★ pt.2

AN: I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE !!

I decided to merge the requests because they overlap with one another and simply work. I hope this satisfies you !! I’m writing this as a part 2 to my first « Growing up with Devilish/Tokio Hotel » post since it just works!

Warning! Underage drinking and Smoking,sexual themes touched non explicitly, that’s about it. Friendly reminder it’s Tokio Hotel we’re talking about

≛ This is set in 2003 til 2005 right before the release of ddm as it deserves it’s own post.

~ Enjoy your read ~ (not proof read I’m sorry I had to get smth out of the drafts)

Bill was so excited to land that Starsearch audition, he came running to your house once he got the confirmation.

It’s 8pm on a school day and there’s a frantic Bill knocking at your door.

Or window, if it happens to be on the first floor.

I love the idea of your room being on the first floor, that way the boys can sneak in for silly night-ins discussing about the future of your band or watching some disney movies on your VHS player.

Or sometimes you’d sneak in beer, weed, all that good stuff that 12/13 year olds should not be doing but you did it anyway.

Your bedroom was a hideout and safe place, especially for Bill who found so much comfort in you.

The days following to Bill’s audition were spent practising his singing and putting up a killer outfit that would shock everyone.

Not many people had faith in him, but I’m sure you were certain he’d make it.

So when a letter got home after a few weeks saying that he was amongst the best 16 in the country, you sticked out your tongue and middle finger up to the other 3 boys. “I told you so”

When it came the time to interview the band for Bill’s section of the show, you guys knew you’d have to be your best.

Bill helped out picking your outfits for sure. You needed to look cool for the camera. Maybe this would be a breakthrough moment?

You even got to do Georg’s hair, much to his annoyance.

It felt glorious, there was a television team in Loitsche and it was just for you guys. You were the kings of the town for a few hours.

Charlotte, the twins’s mom allows you to come with her to the show. You were so excited to see Bill onstage! (The fandom knew Mami Kaulitz as Simone but she legally deleted that name and only kept Charlotte) (from now on I’ll only refer to her as Mami Kaulitz though)

Once Bill came on stage you knew he was meant to be there, and you dreamed for your band to be able to shine like this by his side.

You were clapping and singing along so happily, the crowd loved him.

The same can’t be said about one particular judge.

When Bill lost he came running into your arms. Poor boy was destroyed. You only had a couple minutes to gather his things and leave so while his grandma comforted him you helped out Mami Kaulitz at getting everything together.

Standing awkwardly by a crying Bill, his grandma and a bunch of strangers while waiting for his mom to finish talking to the host is definitely not your best memory.

Needless to say the ride back home was silent.

Everyone was so proud of Bill nonetheless.

In the following weeks you guys mostly practiced your melodies with the band and tried out new riffs. Bill was quite depressed and refused to get out of his house.

Not even a new outfit, new song or a cool Barbie doll could convince him to get out.

You would physically have to get in and drag him out of bed by his ankles.

Once you yanked him too hard and he fell right on his butt, knocking his head while at it. Tom was wheezing in the back while you tried to help Bill up, avoiding to burst at his misery.

Bill has always been arrogant, so the loss on Starsearch was a big bruise to his ego. You would have to help him rebuild his self-esteem.

Dressing him up prettily and doing his makeup.

Bill would imitate your makeup techniques, he finds you fascinating.

This is how his iconic black eyeshadow look was born.

Overtime it all got better and you guys went back to the routine.

In a way, you’re the glue that sticks everyone together in the band. For sure you’d be a pillar the boys rely on.

Whenever things don’t seem to go the right way you tend to climb on the rooftop and just talk the night away with Georg. You two can have the longest and brightest (sometimes not so) conversations man has known.

Back to the “storyline” Starsearch was not useless in the slightest. Bill’s voice, the band’s rogue look in the interview and the angelic beauty of one of it’s members caught a talent scout’s attention.

Sometime between 2002 and 3 you guys had recorded your Devilish demo, that along with Bill’s appearance in the show had gained you some newfound popularity in town.

Things were still hard but, at least they knew those five losers had talent.

It was a hard and exhausting process til you guys finally signed with Universal. But! Before you could record an album, you all needed some proper training. So during the summer holidays you were accommodated into an apartment with everything you may need.

Now imagine an apartment with 5 young teens living by themselves.

Gustav was in charge of the cooking because if anyone else touched the kitchen you would burn the place down.

Tom has managed to burn water. Do not trust him.

We all know Gustav is a total chef now, but back then let’s be honest.. he could make instant ramen noodles and sandwiches. So most of the time you guys settled on ordering junk.

You guys had sleeping arrangements but it never stopped you from all ending in one room playing video games til the late hours of the night or drinking til you passed out.

Nowadays you guys sometimes cringe at everything you were doing at such a young age.

Parties were strictly forbidden in the apartment so you would all sneak to the nearest park to raise hell. There were no parents to run after you and barely any surveillance around. You guys were free.

You once got so wasted that on the way back home Georg crashed somebody’s window. You still wonder how you never got caught.

There were nights that the place would get so cold that you all ended up as a pile when it came time to sleep.

You didn’t stay like that all night though. You’d wake up coddled against Tom’s leg on the floor as he took up the entire couch. Georg was sprawled on the bed, Gustav rested on an armchair somewhere and Bill made himself a blanket cocoon.

Bill and you still have a very special friendship, so some nights you would both get into the blanket cocoon in the living room and watch some vhs tapes of Nena, Queen and Bowie’s concerts.

Oh and Titanic, for sure. Bill loves the film.

He confessed to you that he was crushing on both Rose and Jack (Bill actually said this)

If you happen to also be in the lgbtq community, you’re in for a queer ride when watching films with Bill.

ESPECIALLY, Labyrinth.

You washed Georg’s hair in the sink once. You never talk about it.

The five of you are oddly comfortable around one another so there was no shame in that.

Nor in walking around barely dressed, making the grossest jokes and acts and being complete degenerates.

The fact Bill mentioned in his book that they’d collectively jack off still haunts me to this day.

You just let them be.

Or join if you’re drunk enough, you be you bestie.

You’re not excluded from the after hour porn binge watching though, that’s like watching the news for you bunch of hormonal brats.

Anything totally inappropriate for your age aside, the five of you have such a beautiful bond. It’s amazing to watch you go.

Of course the twins are a step ahead, but it doesn’t change the fact that as a band and as friends you’re so connected to one another.

You can have more than one soulmate, and the five of you are linked together for sure.

Ok i’m being cheesy.

I’m sorry but Tom was the type to ask you to make out to “practice”

He likes to snatch your bras (if you wear them) and mock you while holding it against his chest.

“Georg next time you take a big shit open the windows and spray there’s a lady living in here” “Look I’m y/n and i’m the best musician in this band” “Pull up your pants you looser”

In return, you have hit him with a bra. How is you weaponize it? I have no idea but you certainly did.

Gustav and you were always the ones to do groceries because if you let the other ones do it, they would come back with anything BUT groceries.

A new turtle for georg, king sized box of condoms, cigarettes, a kiss the cook apron, supposedly haunted doll they found in the trash and a pack of hot wheels toys.

Gustav might be the dad yet it doesn’t take his chaos away from him. He chased you guys around the apartment with a water gun screaming like a madman.

He drums on bowls while cooking it’s cute.

You genuinely had the time of your lives.

But you can’t forget that you were located there for a reason.

Writing music.

Turning this into a series! I’m honestly way too into this idea not to cover the band’s evolution in it’s entirety. The inclusion of this fifth member is genuinely very fun to write and brainstorm about! I’ll mostly write them as the rhythm guitarist as it’s logically the easiest position to sneak into the band. As well as I must say that I am definitely more comfortable writing afab readers but no worries I can and certainly will do male reader <3

See you ~

- Meryl <3

#tokio hotel #tom kaulitz #bill kaulitz #georg listing #gustav schäfer #tokio hotel imagine #tokio hotel x reader #bill kaulitz x reader #tom kaulitz x reader #georg listing x reader #gustav schafer x reader #gustav schaefer #x reader #alien #tokita #tokio hotel imagines #tokio hotel alien

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bengiyo · 8 months

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Only Friends: There are No Heroines. They're Just Dudes.

I’ve been meditating on what I want to say about Only Friends for a while. I’ve read so many great posts coming from a lot of lenses I respect and admire. I loved @shouldiusemyname pointing out the 90s aesthetic of the show and how the creative team is unpacking some of what informed their early experiences. I think @respectthepetty is right to call out the way Boston’s aggression crosses lines and @syrena-del-mar reading Boston as a Machiavellian Prince, even as I think @waitmyturtles, @wen-kexing-apologist and @lurkingshan provide good reminders of the kinds of lenses we need to interrogate as we approach stories about queer people written by queer people. I’m enjoying the discussions on ephemerality happening around the show from @waitmyturtles, @ranchthoughts, @twig-tea, @neuroticbookworm, and others. I think, when it comes to how I’m approaching this show, I’m watching I the same way I watched Queer as Folk, a text we know the creative team is familiar with (@omarandjohnny).

I don’t watch this as a story about heroes and villains. They’re just people with mundane goals reacting to each other as their desires interface with each other. I watch this show the same way I watched Queer as Folk, Black Sails, Game of Thrones, How to Get Away With Murder, and similar ensemble cast shows. None of these characters are heroines dealing with flawed suitors. They’re a bunch of dudes in their early 20s with problems, many of which have to deal with sex. This show isn’t like La Pluie, which was big romance in which Saengtai was the heroine and Phat was the romantic lead. Only Friends isn’t a big romance that’s interrogating the nature of romance itself. It’s a gay ensemble drama.

At first, I wondered if this show would center on Mew’s perspective because he was our opening narrator, but it’s clear by episode three that the show doesn’t have a central narrator. This was a similar shift I had to learn while watching Queer as Folk (2000) in realizing that Michael’s perspective is not sacrosanct and that he can be an asshole just as much as any of the other guys. It was also something we had to appreciate in Noah’s Arc (2005). When you’re watching Game of Thrones or Black Sails, you choose the faction you most want to see win or most respect or admire. For Only Friends, I’m mostly watching it from a third-person perspective; I am watching to see how each character’s choices impact the other characters.

I want to stress how mundane much of this show feels to me. Watching these guys interact with each other and their world reminds me exactly of how I felt interacting with other people when I was 21-24 and hanging out in spaces like this. Just like with my argument that Sailom (Wedding Plan) is just closeted, I think most of these guys are just young and a little messed up.

I liked @respectthepetty talking about how she feels bad for Top because of how people see him as a body, and how Top may just be using sex as a coping mechanism to not be alone. I like how obvious Ray’s abandonment issues have played into his substance issues, and how that informs the way he tries to cling so tightly onto people. I like that there have been huge warning signs over Nick ever since we saw him violate Boston’s privacy and look at his photos (I was not surprised he bugged the car at all). I am so fascinated by Mew’s apparent need for control (@lurkingshan), which may be over appearances. I am curious to see how Sand responds to Ray throwing him back after opening himself up past one of his boundaries. I am stoked to see how everyone eventually responds to Boston’s callousness now that things are going to start coming out (@ranchthoughts). I want to know how Cheum and April deal with all the gays losing focus on their project when they were the only ones trying to secure the bag during the party.

For me, I find myself waiting for context from these characters rather than trying to dig it out myself. I think I am worrying less about why anyone is doing anything and more on the responses they illicit from everyone else. I think it’s fascinating for me that prior to this episode I don’t think Top had done anything egregious we’d seen. He’s said he’s tired of hooking up with guys like Boston and wanted to try Mew and, despite their games, he’s been straightforward with Mew; he’s only faltered at the point that he believed Mew lied to him first. No matter how sad and lonely Ray is, I don’t want him driving his car around Bangkok, and I think he needs to stop dicking around with Sand. I think Sand needs to stop playing Captain Save-a-Hoe with Ray and reaffirm his solo stance. I think Nick needs to recognize that Boston’s insinuations that they could be more are hollow and he should just move on. I think Mew should stop trying to win his relationships and be honest about what he wants. I think Boston should probably taste a little fist and have his worldview rearranged a little bit.

Please keep writing and unpacking the psyches of these characters! I’m enjoying reading all of the ways people are connecting to these characters. Still, I want to avoid blowing them up into high-drama figures because they’re just like a lot of the folks I knew (and still know) in the community. I had dinner with some of them last night. These guys are just people, and people sometimes fuck each other up. I think the mundanity of their actions is probably the most appealing part of this show for me.

#Ben writes #only friends the series #only friends meta #ofts #thai bl #bl series

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wen-kexing-apologist · 21 days

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Bengiyo's Queer Cinema Syllabus

I am currently working my way through Unit 4: Heartbreak Alley, the totally light-hearted, definitely not agonizing section of @bengiyo's queer cinema syllabus where I get to watch countless acts of violence be committed against queer people. Thank fuck I have Lesbians waiting for me at the end of this unit. The films in Unit 4 are: Bent (1997), Strange Fruit (2004),Boys Don’t Cry (1999), Brokeback Mountain (2005), Parting Glances (1986), Philadelphia (1993), The Living End (1992), Holding the Man (2015), Jeffery (1995), and Boys on the Side (1995).

Today i will be talking about

Philadelphia (1993) dir. Jonathan Demme

[Run Time: 2:05, Available on: YouTube for rent, Google Play, Amazon, Lang: English]

Summary: When a man with HIV is fired by his law firm because of his condition, he hires a homophobic small time lawyer as the only willing advocate for a wrongful dismissal suit.

Cast: * Tom Hanks as Andrew Beckett * Denzel Washington as Joe Miller * Antonio Banderas as Miguel

___

To steal a comment from @lurkingshan, it has been awhile since I’ve watched a good legal thriller. Philadelphia is brilliant, and I don’t just mean in the general sense, I mean it is smart. It is smart in how it sets itself up. We start with Andy and Joe on opposites sides of a court room, we can see the rapport between them, but we set them up on opposite sides from the beginning. We move from there to Andy at the hospital, receiving his transfusions, looking across the way to a man whose karposi’s sarcoma has advanced to the end stages a look to where Andy himself will end in this film. And then to Andy’s law office where there is physical touch, after physical touch, after physical touch. Some that happen so quickly, others that linger, that the camera focuses in on, and I only wish that we’d seen Andy the day after that meeting, because I would be curious to see if and how the physical touches changed with people in the office.

But that’s not what we get, and we don’t really need it because what is truly important is that Andy is sicker than he originally let on. The point is that the law firm set Andy up while he was away. The point is that at so many stages in this film I was mad. And that was how I was supposed to be. I was mad at all the homophobic pieces of shit that were sitting there making excuses, that based a significant portion of their legal argument about not discriminating against Andy because he was gay with HIV, by trying to discredit Andy’s character because he was gay. [and of course the law office used a woman as their representation and had a Black man at their table as well…you know they were really trying to look good]

gif by @rancidtofu

You might know by now that I love a complicated relationship, so I was really thrilled that Joe eventually decided to represent Andy. Because Joe was homophobic as fuck, and he very much did not want to take the case. But again this film is smart, we never have to hear from Joe’s mouth or anyone’s for that matter that Joe decided to work with Andy after seeing how he was being treated by the librarian, but we know there’s no way it isn’t informed by experiences of racism in Black communities. The way Joe was stared at by a library worker when he was sitting at his table, the way Andy was stared at by a library worker when he was sitting at his table. The way Andy was being suggestively ushered away to somewhere out of view to other library patrons.

I loved that Joe was viciously homophobic because it demonstrates so well the boundary between work and personal life. Joe is able to do his job and do it well, and eventually after months of working with Andy, is able to come around, even touching Andy’s face which we know even has a lesion on it, by the end of the film. That is huge from someone that started the film literally running immediately to the doctor to make sure he didn’t have AIDS from shaking Andy’s hand. From a modern lens I can totally see how that would probably feel stereotypical or derivative or something like that but I think it is important to keep in mind that this film was one of the first Hollywood movies to feature HIV/AIDS and also portray gay people in a positive light. I haven’t actually been adding the for/by/about designations to the Heartbreak Alley films because something about doing that didn’t really sit right to me when we’re discussing the violence to and death of queer people. But this film definitely was not made for queer people, and Tom Hanks acknowledges that he was cast in the role for his “non-intimidating screen persona” and that “one of the reasons people weren’t afraid of this movie was because I was playing a gay man.”

The casting here was strategic to further assist audiences in sympathizing with a gay, HIV positive character.

gif by @rancidtofu

I really love all the little moments of solidarity, the smiles between the Black secretary at the law office and Joe because They Know™ about experiences of discrimination in the workplace. The solidarity between the secretary with AIDS and Andy. I loved that a Black woman was teaching Andy how to apply make up to cover his lesions. I loved that Andy’s entire family knew that he was gay, knew he had AIDS, knew he had a partner and that they all loved and accepted him, and that he had so many people in his life that truly, well, and deeply cared for him.

And I love how that is used to deliver maximum emotional impact, at least to me, in one single stupid opera line.

I genuinely enjoyed essentially sitting in a court room for two hours watching Joe strategize, and execute his traps for the jury to win them over. I love how you know that they have won the second that a juror repeats verbatim a line Joe had said repeatedly throughout the trial. I am grateful the film was kind enough to let Andy be awake and alert enough to know that they had won. That his one of his last acts on earth was getting to engage with the part of law he loved most: “that every once in awhile, not often, but occasionally, you get to play a part in justice being done” Justice was done here, Joe and Andy both played a role in what could potentially become another precedented case in the roster to build towards a stronger future for gay people in the workplace. I think that (though likely coupled with how much his body was beginning to fail) is what finally made him ready to go. Because for so much of this film he would hesitate when it came to death.

gif by @rancidtofu

He froze over the line “the actual physical [death]” when quoting the line about AIDS causing a social death. He talked about planning his memorial to try to get a reaction out of Miguel, and when Miguel gave him a response he very much did not want to hear “maybe you should” he took Miguel to a party, he talked about opera instead of practicing his Q&A.

I am grateful the film ends at his memorial, not just for the memories, though I am especially glad it ends on a video of Andy as a child (to appeal to the ‘he was somebody’s kid type of crowd) but that the memorial was not entirely gloomy. There was life, there was conversation, there were smiles, it made things feel more real. Just like all “see you tomorrow” lies everyone knew they were telling themselves felt real.

Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington are such powerhouses of actors and I am so so grateful that they did this project together.

Favorite Scene

(I am acknowledging that these gifs by @antoniosbanderas have nothing to do with my listed favorite scene, but I just need you all to know that the scene of these two laying in bed was cut from the final edit of the film, so I didn't actually get to watch it, so now you know it exists if you didn't already)

My favorite scene is when the law firm is questioning Melissa Benedict, a secretary that used to work with one of the lawyers in his previous firm. Melissa was diagnosed with AIDS after a blood transfusion, and she was put on the stand to prove one of the lawyers knew what AIDS lesions looked like and therefore was able to identify that Andy had HIV a week before he was fired.

I was ready to reach through my screen to smack a bitch when the law firm’s representation started trying to make a moral argument, that Melissa’s AIDS was acceptable AIDS to have in an office because she involuntarily contracted the disease through a medical procedure, whereas Andy had had gay sex and therefore voluntarily risked acquiring HIV. And you can just see Melissa looking over at Andy so often when the law firm is trying to make this argument, and trying to get Melissa to answer questions in a way that would make her seem like she is actually of the law firm’s opinion.

And she doesn’t let them do that to Andy. Instead she looks right at him and she qualifies her response saying: “But I don’t consider myself any different from anyone else with this disease. I’m not guilty, I’m not innocent, I’m just trying to survive” and it is just a beautiful moment for me. Especially because this film is trying to portray queer people in a positive light, having a straight, white woman with a disease she had no way of preventing say that she was just like anyone else with AIDS is hugely important to driving that message home.

Favorite Quote

gif by @fran-kubelik

I am so sorry in advance for how long this quote is, and that 90% of it is technically just Andy translating an opera but:

“‘Look the place that cradled me is burning.’ Do you hear the heartache in her voice? Can you feel it Joe? Now in come the strings and it changes everything. It’s like the music, it fills with a hope. And that’ll change again. Listen. Listen. “I bring sorrow to those who love me” oh oh that single cello. “It was during this sorrow that love came to me.” (sobbing) “A voice filled with harmony. It said, live still. I am life. Heaven is in your eyes. It’s everything around you. It’s the blood and the mud. I am divine! I am oblivion. I am the god that comes down from the heavens to the earth and makes of the earth a heaven. I am love. I am love.”

The level of emotion, the implication behind each and every line that he translates, the way that those lines spoke to me as a queer person. “Look the place that cradled me is burning” this body, his body is failing; this life, his life is coming to an end. “I bring sorrow to those who love me” we see that with Andy’s mom, with his entire family for that matter, we see how loved he was and know that his death is going to be a devastating blow for a lot of people. “It was during sorrow love came to me” Miguel is there for all of it, through all of it. When he collapses in court, his family is the first to get to him, to try to help him. When he’s in the hospital the entire hallway is flooded with people that love him. Andy breaks at this point in his monologue, choking out the line “A voice filled with harmony. It said, live still. I am life. Heaven is in your eyes. It’s everything around you. It’s the blood and the mud.” I do not think Andy was ready to go until the very end when he finally said he was. Live still. Andy wants to live still. I am life. Heaven is in your eyes. It’s everything around you. It’s the blood and the mud. He will see Heaven soon, he is looking at the world through the lens of a dying man. “I am the god that comes down from the heavens to the earth and makes of the earth a heaven” We have one life to live, we should use it well, Andy has so much love in his life, that’s truly such a heavenly thing to have. He is seeking justice, in such a way that others might be protected the way he wasn’t. “I am love. I am love.”

I just.

I don’t know y’all I just really liked this film.

Score

9.5/10

I’m salty that Denzel wasn’t nominated for an Oscar, though I am wholly unsurprised, and I am glad Tom Hanks won and that his speech included praise of Denzel.

““And an actor who put his film image at risk and shown because of his integrity, Mr. Denzel Washington who I very much share this with”

Lovely film, highly recommend. Now on to The Living End

#bengiyo queer cinema syllabus #queer cinema syllabus #unit 4: heartbreak alley #philadelphia #philadelphia (1993)#denzel washington #tom hanks #antonio banderas #and with this film I am now 60% of the way through Unit 4 #I can see the finish line

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bless-my-demons · 9 months

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Redamancy: Chapter Ten

Series Summary: What happens when your soulmate is a vampire that struggles to maintain a diet of trying not to kill you? Common sense says run for the hills, nothing is worth your life - but my heart is whispering why not, what’s there to lose?

Warnings: Curse words, if that’s still a thing

Notes: Sorry this one is a little short, but I’ve got big ideas for upcoming chapters. Thank you guys for all the love so far, it means so much to me to hear your thoughts and see the notifications!

Word Count: 1900

Series Masterlist

• March 13th, 2005 • Cullen’s Garage •

Reader

Ever since Jasper and I left my house in a hurry, I felt like I’ve been stuck in a haze. Like none of this is real. And even though I snapped at him on the ride over, he’s respected my decision and kept me either within arm’s reach or a hand touching me in some form. It’s the only thing keeping me here in the moment while controlled chaos continues to explode in his family’s garage.

I feel deft fingers unzipping my, or rather Jasper’s, jacket and sliding it from my shoulders. I grab at the hands to stop them, but it’s Jasper himself.

“I need to give it to Esme, for her to lure him with your scent. I also need your hat, sweetheart.” He explains gently.

I release his hands and nod, allowing him to take the articles from me. I shiver without his jacket to keep me warm and he immediately replaces it with a different hoodie, this time slipping it over my head.

“Another one of mine that I don’t mind letting you borrow.” He winks at me and it draws out a smile from me. I feel at home cocooned in his scent.

On the other side of Carlisle’s car I hear Edward arguing with Rose about carrying Bella’s scent. Emmett squeezes past us to throw some supplies in the backseat of his Jeep and turns to me.

“Be safe, Y/n/n?” I nod and he turns to his brother, “Take care of her and watch your back, alright tough guy?”

“Likewise, big guy.” Jasper replies, pulling him in for a quick hug with a smile before parting and opening the passenger door for me. Bella and Alice already waiting in the rear as I climb in and buckle up.

• March 14th, 2005 • Outskirts of Phoenix, Arizona •

Reader

The entire trip south was a blur, what I assume normally is a two to three day trip, took us one day with minimal time for bathroom breaks and gas stops. Me being the designated one to refuel the car during the day since our protectors couldn’t exit the vehicle and Bella spent the majority of the ride in and out of sleep. I was grateful for the temporary duty, it felt like I was actually being helpful instead of sitting and waiting for something to happen, which I know might very well be my fate once we make it to Phoenix.

“All done, darlin’?” I shake myself from my day-dream, Jasper had cracked his driver’s side window and I meet his eyes in the side-view mirror.

“Oh shit-sorry.” I quickly put away the pump and screw the gas cap back on before hurrying back to the passenger side.

“You alright?” He asks quietly, giving me a sidelong glance as he directs the car back to the interstate.

“Mhmm.” I answer him, looking out of the window at the passing cars.

I feel a small hand slide onto my shoulder and give it a squeeze before it retreats to the back seat, Alice. I’m not really sure how to feel at this point, I mean - I am happy that Jasper is with me, lord knows I’d be a nervous mess worrying about him. But I can’t help it thinking of the others, Esme wearing my scent and Rose wearing Bella’s. Edward is the fastest and with his ability to read minds, he’s formidable. Carlisle is an extremely smart man and I know Emmett is strong for a normal vampire, but is he stronger than vampires that drink human blood? I shiver, human blood. The vampires after Bella and I want our blood. Just as I’m about to spiral down a path of panic for fear of not being able to protect myself, a large hand slides over my left thigh.

Raising his eyebrows in concern, Jasper gently smooths his gift over my panic to calm me down and combined with the distraction of his hand, it works. I don’t know what I would do without him, it’s like fate knew I couldn’t digest his world without his ability to control emotions. So I give him a sad smile and slide my hand on top of his, with him I can do this - we could do this.

• March 15th, 2005 • Hotel - Phoenix, Arizona •

Jasper

Alice and I picked a hotel for the four of us close to the international airport in Phoenix so that we might have an additional means of escape. That also puts us in the middle of a metropolitan area. Nowhere near a forest.

Nowhere near our food source.

And I’m confined to a room for who knows how long with my singer after having spent 24 hours with her in a car.

Yet another test of my precarious control.

Thankfully I fed myself before the baseball game and under normal circumstances I could go a little over a week until I needed another meal… but I exerted myself trying to mask the energy signatures surrounding the women in our group to the nomads to make them uninteresting. And staying in this room watching over the girls doesn’t help either.

“You won’t hurt them.” Alice tells me from her watchful position at the window, early morning light peaking in the crack in the curtains held open by her slender hand.

“Doesn’t make it any easier.” Taking calming breaths is a human technique, one that would increase the inferno in my throat. Meditation is all that can offer a modicum of peace, a skill I wish came easily.

I can feel her eyes assess me, even though my own are closed in concentration. “I can get us an adjoining room-”

I cut her off and crack an eye open, “And be further away? Absolutely not, I’d much rather suffer through hunger than adding a barrier from protecting you three for my comfort.”

“I’m not incapable of defending myself or the girls.” Her sharp tone makes me wince, so I give her my attention fully.

“I meant no disrespect… I know you are fully capable, but she is mine, Alice.” Surprise colors her emotions.

“She is your singer?” My sister questions in a gasp.

“You didn’t see that coming?” I joke with her, leaning back on the couch to stare at the ceiling.

She smacks my shoulder, “You know I’ve been preoccupied with Edward’s predicament with Isabella. The guy is as paranoid as they come!”

“I only figured it out Saturday, so it’s not like I’ve been sitting on the news for very long.” A sigh deflates my chest, “I haven’t told her.”

“You’ll find the right time when this is all over.” Her smile would be reassuring if I didn’t have the ability to sense the uncertainty in her emotions.

Reader

I spent all day yesterday sleeping while occasionally texting my mom to check in. I passed off another lie that we were just waiting on her mom to get here from Florida and that I’d be staying with Bella for a few days until then. I hope the others catch the nomads soon, I hate lying to my mom and I’m running out of material that’s legitimate enough to keep her placated.

The worry drags me from my shared bed with my friend, Alice got us a suite but with only one bed so our locations wouldn’t be spread thin. Fine by me, I wouldn’t be able to stand a room to myself just waiting.

Exiting the bedroom into the sitting room, I spot only Jasper with no Alice in sight.

“She’s acquiring food for you two, the lobby has free breakfast and the sun has barely risen.” He explains, lowering the newspaper in his hands.

I sit sideways on the couch facing him with my legs tucked in close, far enough away that I’m not touching him. Our confined situation mustn’t be easy on him and I don’t want to add to the difficulty, but I’m like a moth to his flame.

“Did you get enough sleep? I heard you tossing and turning.” A strong hand reaches up to gently run along the indentions my pillow made on my cheek, not the most attractive thing to wake up with in the morning.

“I’m fine, just restless and worried.” I caress the hand on my cheek and lean into it.

His brows furrow slightly, “You’re safe here with Alice and I-”

“No-no, I’m worried about Esme, Rose, your whole family, mom…” I glanced down at my lap and pick at the seam of my shirt, well actually Jasper’s shirt-I did a pretty shit job of packing and he let me borrow one of his to sleep in - I’m trying to not think about that too hard.

“My family can handle themselves, we’ve survived this long for a reason.” Jasper reassures me calmly.

“Yes, but protecting Bella and I has pulled you and Alice away from them-“

“And they’ll be alright. Besides, I have what they want and we’re across the country.”

“If they get angry and-and hurt one of them…” I can’t finish my sentence, anything happening to any one of them for my sake is too much to consider.

Jasper pulls me in for a hug, turning me so that I’m sitting in his lap with my face pressed to his neck and his hands rubbing my back soothingly. “Sweetheart, there’s more of us than them and we have more gifts, the odds are stacked in our favor. Especially with Alice-“

Just then the aforementioned vampire sweeps gracefully into our hotel room with a stack of to-go containers. “My ears were burning, do continue.” She teases us with a sweet smile as she sets the food before us on the coffee table.

“Jasper was just telling me there’s no point in worrying when we have a badass like you on our team.” I wink at her before opening a container with a waffle and bacon, cooked exactly like I prefer.

“You seemed like a soft bacon kinda girl,” I chuckle at her, amazed at her predictive skills. “I’ll go wake Bella.”

As she dances through the bedroom door, I slide out of Jasper’s lap and to the floor next to him, leaning against the couch I dig into my food. “It really is a shame you can’t eat, I’d miss bacon entirely too much if I were a vampire.”

“Something you’ll never have to find out, darlin’.” He chuckles as he goes back to reading the paper, but his words don’t quite sit right in my stomach.

Never have to find out? I suppose I hadn’t really thought of that. One day I’ll be old and wrinkly, meanwhile he will always be this, always be young. My appetite begins to shrink at the thought. Fuck - one day he won’t want me, I’ll be old and-

The newspaper rustles, “What-”

But Alice and Bella walk through the door and cut him off before he could ask what was bothering me.

I don’t even know what I’d say.

That I don’t like the idea that we’re on opposite ends of the mortality spectrum? That I won’t have forever with him? That I might be falling in love with him and I’ll just have to get over it at some point and let him go?

Wait-falling in love with Jasper Hale?

Shit.

#bless-my-demons #redamancy series #jasper hale x reader #twilight #twilight fanfiction #jasper hale #jasper hale fanfiction #jasper whitlock hale #jasper whitlock #female reader insert #jasper hale twilight #jasper hale x female!reader #romance

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hanasnx · 3 months

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can you share some of thosr anakin-related-content-you-consumed on ur anakin fixation era cz im fixating on anakin aswell rn and i want to study him!! please, idk where to start 🙇🏻‍♀️

supercut of star wars I - III reddit link with instructions to receive them via google docs

i've seen both tpm and aotc supercuts but i have yet to finish the rots supercut because of it being so long. there are also deleted scenes on youtube that were not included in the supercuts linked here:

star wars episodes I and II extended edition - unused deleted scenes youtube video

revenge of the sith 4 hour supercut - unused deleted scenes youtube video

if you cannot get a hold of the supercuts for some reason, no sweat. the same channel listed in the above links has a bunch of videos on their channel of all "restored deleted scenes" that you can watch individually. of course, that is without the "siege of mandalore" that's included in the rots supercut. but that's just the bits you would see from season 7 of the clone wars spliced in, so you wouldn't be missing anything.

star wars: episode I - the phantom menace

if you cannot get a hold of the supercuts for whatever reason, start here. one of my favorite star wars movies. features young anakin, about nine years old, and how comes to live with the jedi, how he meets padme, and where he comes from.

star wars: episode II - attack of the clones

we follow older anakin, about nineteen years old, where he reunites with padme and they fall in love. the cracks of the dark side's influences are beginning to show.

star wars: clone wars

this is the mini-series released in 2003-2005 to depict anakin's journy throughout the beginning of the clone wars to prepare audiences for star wars: revenge of the sith coming out in 2005. it has since been de-canonized and replaced with the clone series that comes out in 2008. it is still worth the watch. anakin's voice actor is supremely talented and sounds a lot like hayden christensen. albiet he is dramatic, as it is a kid's show, i still very much enjoy his characterization. it's actually pretty funny too, it did get me to laugh a couple times. chapter 24-25 i believe is where anakin undergoes a sort of spiritual awakening, and the ending always makes me cry.

star wars: the clone wars movie

it was honestly boring to me, but i still watched it for much needed context on the show.

star wars: the clone wars

as i’ve said before, i don’t really care for tcw!anakin, but this was still a fun and enjoyable watch. it wasn’t completely worthless to me, i did learn some more things about anakin that applied to hayden’s rendition.

unreleased star wars: the clone wars arc - crystal crisis on utapau (full) youtube video

i didn’t finish it but from what i’ve seen so far it’s pretty funny.

anakin & obi-wan | let my people go youtube video edit

one of my favorite edits to one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite movies. i think about it a lot, especially during the “this was my home.” lyric. hammering in the betrayal of brothers that grew up alongside one another, and if you resonate with that song and movie it provides another layer of context. it’s deliciously painful. when anakin’s side of “you who i called brother,” cuts through and interrupts the melody, impatient to speak about his perspective using ramses’ narrative to do it, it’s acutely accurate to anakin’s character in my eyes.

clone wars: battle of the heroes - a star wars fan animation youtube video

i haven’t seen this yet but i’ve been waiting to enjoy it to its fullest. the creator worked very hard on it for a long time, so it’s worth the link.

star wars episode III: revenge of the sith novel by matthew stover

i have not read this, but i’ve seen hundreds of excerpts over the course of this hyperfixation on tumblr. it’s widely accepted even though it’s decanonized, and offers insight into anakin’s head that you can’t access with just watching the movie. i thoroughly enjoy and reblog the excerpts i come across, but since i’m not a reader i haven’t picked it up to complete it myself.

star wars: episode III - revenge of the sith

the third installment in the prequel series, and where shit goes down. twenty-three year old anakin grapples with his desires overcoming his sense of obligations, warping his own ideals to fit into selfish purposes. you see how he betrays the republic, his wife, his brother, and himself, all for power.

star wars episode III revenge of the sith (xbox) no commentary walkthrough full game [1080p60fps] youtube video

i haven’t gotten to watch this yet but i’d like to soon, i’ve seen bits and pieces and i believe there are alternate endings that prove interesting. if you like gameplay movies i think you should give it a shot, but if not, go ahead and skip this one.

star wars: episode III - revenge of the sith - making the game youtube video

it’s short and sweet. about hayden’s view of the character anakin and how he acts in combat.

star wars: tales of the jedi

s1e5 where we receive insight as to how anakin trains his padawan.

vader: complete canon comic series 1-25 in chronological order youtube video

i loved this so much. so many good moments that i ate the fuck up. we follow vader in his first year of becoming the sith lord, grappling with identity, past, and recognition. we also get insight into the very sensitive time of jedi eradication, i learned a lot. my favorite parts are when vader has to fight without a saber against clones, make his own red saber by retrieving one from a surviving jedi, and the arc that includes jocasta nu.

star wars the force unleashed- full game walkthrough gameplay no commentary youtube video

star wars the force unleashed 2 - full game walkthrough gameplay no commentary youtube video

both of these i've been meaning to watch, but i haven't been in the mood. i figured i'd link them in case you were interested in more gameplay movies.

star wars rebels

i didn't finish this, but i did watch a lot of the vader content and the scarce anakin content. i'll watch anything that mentions him tbh.

star wars jedi: fallen order - full game - no commentary youtube video

i played this game and loved it. the ending is the money shot tbh.

star wars: obi-wan kenobi

this was probably the first sw show i watched after i got back into darth vader in august 2022. reawakened a lot for me, i really enjoyed vader's part in this story. reva is also one of my favorites, and i thought her being a mirror image to anakin in this situation was clever, i thought her backstory was unique and refreshing. but what really shines for me is vader's contribution as both an extension of the emperor and a vessel for his own selfish desires. there are parts where i can see he's more machine than man. there are also some anakin parts as well! which i didn't enjoy as much, funnily enough.

rogue one: a star wars story

i haven't seen this one in years, but i do remember darth vader's appearances being both funny and badass.

star wars: episode IV - a new hope

star wars: episode V - the empire strikes back

it took me a long time to come around on this one. now it's one of my favorites. especially because we start to get the first glimpses within the original trilogy of vader's humanity, and his ability to demonstrate faint loyalty to his blood.

star wars: episode VI - return of the jedi

fave sw movie tbh since childhood. you can't get better than the ending. vader's sacrifice is everything to me.

lego star wars: the skywalker saga

i had played this game back in may 2022 when i visited my sister. she and i used to play lego games together when we were kids, and one of my first video games ever was lego star wars: the video game from 2005 which she introduced me to. it holds a special place in my heart, and i really liked playing skywalker saga even though at this point i hadn't cared about star wars in years. when i got back home i couldn't stop thinking about the saga game so i bought it myself, and then played it so obsessively i didn't do anything else. it got me back in the mood for darth vader so i watched obi-wan kenobi, and one thing leads to another now here i am with a smut blog about anakin skywalker's entire life and his every iteration. i loved the game, i think you should play it even though it's just lego versions of everything, it's still really fun.

star wars: ahsoka

you see him in this and the cinematography is breathtaking at times, but i didn't care for it. i only cared about the glimpses of anakin/vader's appearances even if they didn't contribute anything to the story for me.

anakin skywalker vs palpatine full fight scene (hd) - star wars episode IX [alternative ending] youtube video

this is a fan edit! i think about it a lot even though i haven't seen the sequels.

the life of anakin skywalker: darth vader (star wars) youtube video

i haven't finished this, but from what i've seen it's taught me things even i didn't know. i really appreciated the facts that aren't even on wookiepedia.

any books on it i've only seen the excerpts here on tumblr, i haven't read any because i'm not a big reader but i've seen some great posts that i reblog. so don't sleep on the books/comics

great ask

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keikotwins · 3 months

Text

Mokumokuren

Birds of different feathers flock together

Noticed online by head-hunting publishers, Mokumokuren hasn’t waited very long before polarising the attention of Japanese readers. With strange The Summer Hikaru Died, horrific bromance dealing with body dispossession, the mangaka signs a series of sophisticated oddity, that sets itself apart from the predictability of current fantasy productions.

Interview by Fausto Fasulo. Original translation: Aurélien Estager. English translation: “Keikotwins”. Bibliography: Marius Chapuis. Thanks: Camille Hospital & Clarisse Langlet (Pika), Yuta Nabatame, Mayuko Yamamoto & Mana Kukimoto (Kadokawa), Chiho Muramatsu (Tohan)

(T/N: Interview given to ATOM in winter 2023; 2 volumes were out in French.)

In an interview given to the CREA website in November 2022, you confided inventing stories since very young. Did your first fictions resemble the ones you draw nowadays?

It’s true that there are quite a lot of common points between the stories I imagined when I was a child and the ones I tell nowadays in my mangas. Especially a specific motif, that has been haunting me since the time when I wasn’t really aware of the world surrounding me: the presence amongst us of “non-human” beings, that nonetheless have a perfectly normal, ordinary appearance…

And how was this “obsession” born?

Precisely identifying the origins is complicated, my memories are too blurry, I think… What I can tell you is that I’ve always been fascinated by “creatures”. For example, I remember being very impressed by Peter Jackson’s bestiary in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. By the way, still in a fantasy register, I am also a big fan of Harry Potter adaptations… (She thinks.) And I’ve always liked yōkai stories, you know. I think that what I like in all these mythologies is the idea of species classification: each has its own characteristics – physical, biological – its own way to apprehend its environment.

In Japan, yōkai are integral part of regional folklore. Did the place you grew up in have some specific beliefs?

I was born and grew up in Tokyo, and, as you must know, yōkai are mostly associated with rural areas. I was thus never really bathed in this type of regional fantasy folklore. There are all kinds of yōkai and we can perhaps see in some more contemporary urban legends the echo of certain past beliefs? (She thinks.) I am a bit frustrated, because I believe that I could remember a legend that would have impacted me, but nothing comes to mind immediately, sorry!

You have already said so in an interview and it’s quite obvious when reading your work: you are a big amateur of horrific fiction. What has been your first contact with the genre, all medium included?

It was television that introduced me to horror: special shows, television films, series, I was watching these programs with a mix of fear and enthusiasm, a confused sensation that particularly delighted me! (She thinks.) And amongst all the aired shows, I will remember two titles: Hontō ni atta kowai hanashi and Kaidan shin mimibukuro*.

* Inspired by the homonymous manga magazine published by Asahi Shimbun, Hontō ni atta kowai hanashi (lit. “Scary stories that really happened”) is a series produced by Fuji Television that has been airing more or less weekly since 2004. Derived from literary material (a series of compilations of hundreds of short stories by Hirokatsu Kihara and Ichirō Nakayama, published from 1990 to 2005) Kaidan shin mimibukuro is a series made of several short movies depicting ghost stories based on real testimony.

Did you read horror mangas when you were young?

Let’s say that I was more interested in live-action productions. Nowadays, I obviously appreciate some horror manga authors, without pretending to be any expert in the subject. For example, I like Junji Itō’s work, but I am far from knowing it for a long time… (She thinks.) I could also talk about Shigeru Mizuki, who I also appreciate a lot.

The mechanics of fear aren’t the same in occidental and oriental fictions. You like American horrific productions – like Ari Aster movies – as much as ones from Japanese origin – you notably quote Ichi Sawamura novels and Kōji Shiraishi feature films. Can we say that you are tying these two perspectives with The Summer Hikaru Died?

My relationship with horror is more imbued with oriental sensitivity. But what I find remarkable in occidental horrific productions is work on image. In The Shining like in Ari Aster movies, for example, there is real research made on frame composition and choice of colours. I also try to follow this aesthetic reflection in my work as a mangaka.

In Ari Aster’s work, beyond the very precise staging, there is this permanent desire of ambiguity. Do you try to dig this same equivocal trench?

Absolutely. I try to tell complex feelings as well in The Summer Hikaru Died, like fear dyed with nostalgia or attachment, repulsion mixed with fascination, with attraction…

How do you “sort out” the shots that inspire you in cinema?

I don’t draw while freeze-framing during specific scenes. I would always rather watch a movie as a “focussed” spectator. However, I pay a lot of attention to the way the director composes their frame. I sometimes take some notes, but I most often simply keep it in a corner of my mind.

Could you tell us when and how the story and characters of The Summer Hikaru Died appeared to you? Have they matured a long time within you?

I’ve started thinking about this story when I was preparing university entrance exams. I was aspiring to join an art uni, and I was drawing every day. I can’t really say I made my characters “mature”: back then, I wasn’t thinking that the drawings I was making would one day end up being published, way less being serialised! I innocently created characters close to me, without guessing that one day they’d become manga protagonists.

One of your foundational reads was Sui Ishida’s Tokyo Ghoul manga. Can you tell us how you discovered it and what effect it had on you?

I don’t really remember how I discovered this series, but what I know is that I became crazy about it at first read. What I liked – and what I still like – is this idea of telling a story that confronts humans to these “different” beings while following the point of view of a character that represents alterity. Beyond this strictly dramatic aspect, Sui Ishida’s storyboarding and character design have had a strong impact on my work. However, I want to add that Tokyo Ghoul isn’t the only title I took inspiration from, I obviously have other references…

Do you do a lot of researches to define the design of your characters? You seem to draw them easily, in a very natural gesture…

I haven’t spent a long time defining my protagonists. First, there are few in the manga, then, they evolve in a rather realistic universe. My goal was rather simple: they had to look believable in the reader’s eyes. I wanted people to be able to imagine crossing them in the street, you see?

It’s after seeing illustrations posted on social media that depicted the future characters of The Summer Hikaru Died that the publishing department of the Young Ace Up magazine noticed you. How have you reacted when approached?

I was very surprised, because I absolutely wasn’t trying to become a mangaka. I would have never projected in such a future, you see. And, very honestly, if they hadn’t suggested working on this series, I don’t think I would ever had pushed the doors of a publishing house… I am then very thankful towards the persons who have allowed me to enter.

And what would you have done if you hadn’t been solicited?

Back when I’ve been contacted, I was considering – still vaguely – working in the video games field. But I wasn’t really proactive, I wasn’t contacting anyone, wasn’t sending resumes…

Did you want to do chara-design?

Why not, yes. What I like in video games is the range of possibilities they offer. You can then create an entire universe and this is rather exhilarating.

So you’re a gamer…

I have dropped my controller since I’ve started drawing manga. But yes, when I had more time, I played rather regularly, especially Nintendo productions…

Even if you play rather little nowadays, do video games influence your work?

I can’t say whether it really is an influence, but the Undertale game has left a big mark on me. I felt its creator’s strong will to surprise players, to make them feel unprecedented sensations…

Horror manga only relies on art and storyboard to provoke fear, whereas cinema and video games can also rely on sound. Is it from this observation that you have decided to particularly work on your sound effects?

Absolutely. I have thought a lot about the way to introduce and stage sound in The Summer Hikaru Died. The sound effects that you can find in the manga are indeed the result of this approach.

In an interview given to the Realsound website, you mention the use of the シャワシャワ (“shawa shawa”) sound effect. Knowing that occidental readers are way less sensitive to these graphicoustic details, can you explain its meaning?

“Shawa shawa” expresses the song cicadas make in western Japan. It’s a very special noise because in the different regions live different species that make specific sounds. So when I choose this specific sound effect, I convey a geographic and temporal piece of information to the reader, who can then guess the location and season the action takes place in. (She thinks.) When using this sound – that we especially find in the beginning of the manga – my goal was to play with silence, particularly when the song stops. I thus had the idea of representing this sound effect with an easily readable font, so the reader would make no effort to decipher it, as if the sound was asserting itself naturally, you see? I hoped to suggest a saturation they couldn’t avoid and that, when it’d stop, would immerse them in absolute silence.

The Summer Hikaru Died transcribes very well this particular atmosphere of Japanese summers…

Yes, I really wanted to signify this languor in my manga. And the cicadas’ song we discussed earlier contributes to creating this atmosphere: it’s an overwhelming sound, sometimes irritating, you cannot escape from in summer – Japanese readers obviously know what I’m talking about. (She thinks.) I also gave special attention to shadows: summer light being very bright, shadows are very sharp, very deep.

Do digital tools allow you to get this result more efficiently than traditional?

I work on Clip Studio Paint, and it’s true that it sometimes allow me to save time. Consider the work on shadows: I never apply solid black because I like saturating space with hatches and, with digital tools, I can obtain the desired result faster because I can duplicate each of my lines.

Your use of hatches is sometimes reminiscent of Shūzō Oshimi’s…

I don’t know his mangas very well, but it’s funny that you mention him because I recently read his latest series, Okaeri Alice. In any case, I really like his style and I perfectly understand how you can bring his universe and mine together.

The Summer Hikaru Died relies on the concept of body dispossession, that obviously takes back to the Body Snatcher novel by Jack Finney and its movie adaptations. Did you think about it?

I don’t know this book very well, but I know its theme has been approached often, especially in movies. As I was saying at the beginning of this interview, my idea was to adopt the point of view of a non-human and tell his indecision, his moral questions…

We also find this idea in Hitoshi Iwaaki’s Parasite…

I haven’t read the manga fully, but I’ve watched the anime adaptation that was released a few years ago (R/N: in 2014). I remember rather liking it, even if I think I offer something different with The Summer Hikaru Died. What interests me is sounding the inwardness of my non-human character out and expose all his dilemmas. What is his place amongst men? Is he legitimate in our world? Here is the type of questions that pushed me.

One of the impacting scenes of volume 1 of The Summer Hikaru Died is the one when Yoshiki penetrated Hikaru’s body by shoving his arm into his torso. It’s a sequence that is both very sensuaI – to not say sexuaI – and also very horrific. How did you get this idea?

I wanted to put the readers in an uncomfortable position. A stressful situation that could take several forms because, according to your sensitivity, you can feel very different emotions in front of this scene: sexuaI arousaI, fear or disgust. For me, it was supposed to put the reader in some kind of catatonia, you see?

Do you chat a lot with your tantō, especially around these slightly “complicated” scenes?

I have free rein, you know, I can draw everything I want. My editorial supervisor has never asked me to temper some sexuaIIy connotated parts. My discussions with him don’t revolve around this kind of things, but rather around the structure of the scenario itself: where to place this scene in the narration? Is it better to put this sequence before this other one? Nowadays, I am more at ease with all the scripting layout but, at the beginning, I needed support.

What allows you to get, from a dramatic point of view, the mix between bromance and horror?

I wanted to show the differences in sensitivities and values between a human being and an “other than human”, and tell the misunderstandings this can cause when both meet. When Yoshiki “scratches” under the appearance of the one who is supposed to be his best friend, it creates a first point of conflict in the story. I then hoped to make his relationship with Hikaru – or rather with the “entity” that pretends to embody him – a kind of undefinable bond, that wouldn’t be friendship, nor love.

Do you know today where this strange relationship between your two heroes will lead you?

I know more or less how all of this will evolve, yes. I have decided on my story’s general plot since the beginning. I can only tell you that The Summer Hikaru Died won’t be a long series.

How do you explain the almost instant public plebiscite of your series in Japan? You perhaps cannot have perspective on it but, in a saturated publishing landscape, you have managed to stand out…

Hm… Indeed, I don’t really have precise explanations to give you about this success. Maybe the covers’ design has been in favour of the manga? I asked the person in charge of graphics to make sure that the visuals would be noticeable in bookstores. That’s why the books have this monochrome aspect, with the title discreetly placed. I didn’t want obvious advertisement banners, but something simple, like this blue background for the first volume, on which the character stands out. I also wished to create contrast between the jacket’s and the inner cover’s drawings. I thus had requirements that didn’t quite go alongside what we can nowadays see on the shelves of Japanese bookstores.

#the summer hikaru died #hikaru ga shinda natsu #/long post #I'm not a native eng speaker so excuse mistakes!#the fr version has fancy words that I simplified for the eng translation #Feel free to ask any question!#The og article had manga illustrations with funny comments as legends + a short analysis of the manga's narration that I didn't include #The og title was 'Qui se dissemble s'assemble'#which is a play of words saying the opposite of idiom 'Qui se ressemble s'assemble' lit 'who look alike go together'#so I went for a silly equivalent lmao

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prettyoddfever · 2 months

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Tumblr glitched while I was trying to answer this, but thankfully I took a screenshot of everything before refreshing because I legit cannot find that draft or question anywhere now, sorry. So here we go again...

I'll link to the post here. (btw any annoyance that might seep into my tone in my recent answers is NOT directed at the actual people asking... y'all are lovely). So that post is done in a very similar tone to the Ryden primers that the pre-split fandom posted, but I'm getting the sense that this is very very different... like that person seems to actually believe the content that they're posting is straight up facts (and even if they don't, the fact that you're referring to it as "infamous" probably implies that other people are at least treating it as real facts, so I'm still going to address it like the tone is serious). Here's an explanation of how the majority of the fandom used to view Ryden.

A lot of their pictures no longer show up, so I'm going to leave a wayback screen recording here for reference:

I'll just comment as I go through it if I have something to add:

I suppose that the tone of someone's comments is open to interpretation, so idc as much about whether those are misread or not.

That supposed AIM convo was shared as a myspace bulletin by Brent's brother Blake during the summer 2006 season when he was trying to stir up shit and was busy posting other inaccurate info too. I'm just saying to take it with a grain of salt.

Ryan’s lj post on 9/27/05 was about the release of AFYCSO that day. He talked a lot in interviews that season about how it was weird for him to see so many fans singing his lyrics back to him.

uhh most of the pictures that this person lists "from this era" of 2004/2005 are actually from 2006. so they definitely know what they're talking about here lol.

they list one of Ryan's livejournal posts and then say "I'm not sure of the exact date, but I know it was some time in 06." It was from June 24, 2006.

lol Audrey.

re: the Myrtle Beach theory

why is the part where Ryan called Brendon a golden god in late 2006 any different than when Brendon said this about Spencer that same season?

re: the 2006 mic-sharing & stage gay

fans would positively scream when Ryan & Brendon approached each other, especially in the last half of 2006. this moment in Munich in October 2006 seemed no different... the guys absolutely knew what they were doing.

the VMA performance just seemed like Ryan was still using Brendon as a safe space to look at so he wouldn't stare at his feet or guitar, but that is still very much something you could turn into a Ryden thing so carry on haha.

about the Rolling Stone interview

I'm laughing at the "squint a little harder" comment about finding Ryden content in 2008. That is so accurate.

re: Dylan's myspace (yes, Keltie ran a myspace for Hobo that anyone could grab pics from).

Ryan absolutely sounds like he's saying dude... also that would be normal.

the picture of the bracelet is normal

I'm just going to link to this post since it addresses many similar inaccurate points about early 2009.

I was about to side eye them so hard for posting the Lana Jade letter as real, but at least they added that she made multiple posts explaining that it wasn't her. And yes, obviously Brendon's best friend was Shane (not Ryan).

omg Ryan's tattoos are not about Brendon. Those are Tom Waits lyrics. Ryan was good friends with Thomas Dutton. About a year before getting the tattoos, Ryan was hanging out with him on tour in the UK and later told Kerrang that “a friend of mine in Forgive Durden turned me on to Tom Waits when we were in the UK… I’ve been listening to him ever since. His voice is so rough and dark. I’d never really heard anything like that.”

the sharing beds idea was misunderstood in the Billboard interview... all 4 guys slept on bunkbeds in the same room when they were recording AFYCSO. That's what Brendon's referring to.

re: the Bishop Gorman tshirt… Ryan was hardly that size in high school. But Brent went to Bishop Gorman too (and so did Paulina, who was also friends with Brendon). Brendon did borrow some of Brent’s stuff in 2004/2005 (like money for food while they were first touring). Just saying… it's def interesting, but it’s not an automatic Ryden connection.

I didn't read Spencer's tone in that out.com interview the same way... there's some relevant bits in this post.

about the red shirt

here's my general tag for Ryden stuff

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overthedub · 5 months

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The first of the 2005 Gorillaz' Iceberg Radio takeovers, starting with 2-D! These are the bits in-between the songs where 2-D talks about his influences and music he likes with some extras thrown in.

Iceberg Radio was initially a Canadian Internet radio service back in 2005 and has since been bought and renamed to AccuRadio. The site no longer has these radio spots uploaded, so the takeovers are considered lost media.

Audio taken from Blur Archive Project’s archive folder (with their permission), which you can find for yourself here:

You can listen to the full uncut radio takeover with songs included there!

Playlists for 2-D's picks:

Youtube playlist:

Transcript under the cut!

Radio announcer: This is 2-D from the Gorillaz taking over exclusively on icebergradio.com!

[Beck’s “E-Pro” playing in the background]

2-D: Oi! This is 2-D from Gorillaz! And I’ve invited myself along for an hour to spin some of my favorite discs.

Right, to kick my show off, I’m gonna play a track from enormous talent in a pint-sized body. This is Beck, with his song “E-Pro”!

[After “E-Pro”]

2-D: That was the latest tune from the extraordinary talent called Beck! Featuring a big Beastie Boys’ breakbeat and a Dust Brothers’ production.

Funny-lookin’ bloke [in reference to Beck]. Apparently, right, he’s only, like, about two foot (2′)? And, uh, they pack him away in a shoebox after his concerts, awright? Um, yeah.

[Interpol’s “Narc” playing in the background]

2-D: Next up, this is Interpol with “Narc”.

[After “Narc”]

2-D: Uh, that was Interpol and next up, uh...Oh, wait a sec. I didn’t put this in there! The Bravery? That’s a funny-lookin’ band, innit?

[The Bravery’s “An Honest Mistake” playing in the background]

2-D: I think they’re havin’ a right laugh tryin’a play this song with a straight face. Well, here you go! "An Honest Mistake”! You said it, boys.

[After “An Honest Mistake”]

2-D: Hey! This is 2-D! I’m the singer and the pin-up of Gorillaz! I’m taking over for an hour. I’m playin’ all my old favorites.

[The Clash’s “Train in Vain” playing in the background]

2-D: This next track is by one of my favorite bands of all time: The Clash! Mick Jones sings this one and it’s called “Train in Vain”.

*Note: Mick Jones is the lead guitarist for The Clash, but he also sings lead vocals on a few songs, including "Train in Vain (Stand By Me)".

[After “Train in Vain (Stand by Me)”]

2-D: “Walworth’s version of David Bowie, who happened to make great singles, can now afford his own place to hold his goth concert—”

Hang on! I’ve got me notes mixed up. Oh, oh, wait a sec, that’s meant to be for Gary Numan. Uh, comin’ up is a song from Blur’s last album. This is an excellent track, although I think the vocals on this sound like the singer’s tryin’a copy the way I sing! Rude!

[Blur’s “Battery in Your Leg” playing in the background]

2-D: This is the last time Graham played guitar with Blur. Outstanding!

*Note: Gary Numan was the lead singer for the English band Tubeway Army before becoming a solo artist. Graham here refers to Graham Coxon, the lead guitarist for Blur. He has since returned to playing for the band in 2009.

[After “Battery in Your Leg” / “Hallelujah (Club Mix)” by Happy Mondays]

2-D: That was, uh, the Happy Mondays with “Hallelujah”! With singer Shaun Ryder. You’re listening to me, 2-D from Gorillaz.

Right! This next track, right, is a killer Gorillaz tune from our new Demon Days album! And it features the geezer Shaun Ryder. From the Happy Mondays. That you, uh, just heard singin’ on that last record. Yeah.

This is “DARE” by Gorillaz!

[After “DARE” / “I Predict a Riot” by The Kaiser Chiefs

2-D: That was the Kaiser Chiefs, a brand-new British band. Uh, they’re also great live. Singer looks a bit like Damon Albarn, bloke from Blur.

All the last Kaiser Chief singles have been great, and here’s something else to put a smile on your face: Joy Division! With “24 Hours”.

[After “24 Hours” / “The Headmaster Ritual” by The Smiths]

2-D: That was a song by the miserable Morrissey bloke about getting caught smoking cigarettes in the school bulbs and getting spanked by a load of teachers. You’re listenin’ to me, 2-D!

Next up...oh, right. I-I’m sensin’ a theme here. Joy Division, Smiths, and now this track is called “No Fun”. Hm. Mind your backs. It's The Stooges.

*Note: Morrissey was the lead singer for the band, The Smiths. He has since become a solo artist since the band broke up.

[After “No Fun”]

2-D: That was Iggy Pop, suffering for your sins. And now, the biggest selling 12″ of all time and born out the remnants of Joy Division: the fantastic New Order with “Blue Monday”!

*Note: Iggy Pop was the lead singer for the band The Stooges, who have broken up and reunited multiple times.

TW: Suicide - Joy Division initially broke up due to their lead singer, Ian Curtis, committing suicide. Later, the lead guitarist and vocalist, bassist, and drummer of Joy Division reunited to form the band New Order.

[After “Blue Monday”]

2-D: Hi! This is 2-D from Gorillaz, uh, and that was New Order. Comin’ up next are the very influential Kraftwerk band! They-They along with Das Kotzen Bots were the pioneers of minimalist electronic music. I think this track is about, uhhhh, sexy robots or something? “Das Model”!

*Note: I couldn't find the other band 2-D is talking about, so the band name may be wrong.

[After “Das Model”]

[Bloc Party’s “So Here We Are” playing in the background]

2-D: Ooooh! That is just so German! And here’s another great band from Britain: Bloc Party! And this is one of my favorite singles to come out in a while. Apparently, they’re great live, too, so check ‘em out! You’re listenin’ to me, 2-D!

[After “So Here We Are” / “Just Like Honey” by The Jesus and Mary Chain]

2-D: Uhhh, that was The Jesus and Mary Chain! They were like The Velvet Underground meets the Sex Pistols with spotty shirts and curly hair. Basically, they’re black rebel Motorpsycho for grandads!

Next we have...huh? I don’t believe it! Someone’s been muckin’ ‘round my record collection! Who put this in ‘ere? Huh? David Gahan?!

Right. Uh...well, I guess I better play it. This is “Peo-ple are Peo-ple” with a song called Depeche Mode.

*Note: David Gahan is the lead singer for the band Depeche Mode. 2-D mixes up the song and band name here.

[After “People are People”]

[N.E.R.D.’s “Things are Getting Better” playing in the background]

2-D: You’re listenin’ to me, 2-D from Gorillaz! N.E.R.D. are the band that the Nexus wanted to produce, and this is “Things are Gettin' Better”.

*Note: Nexus here may refer to Nexus Music, a Danish music label. I'm not quite sure what 2-D says there, so it may be a different label.

[After “Things are Getting Better” / “Elephant Stone” by The Stone Roses]

[Buzzcocks’ “I Don’t Mind” playing in the background]

2-D: That’s The Stone Roses. And from one monkey-based singer to another, I’d like to say that The Stone Roses are a great band! This is the Buzzcocks!

[After “I Don’t Mind”]

2-D: That was the Buzzcocks, who were like a punk-rock version of The Beatles. And that was called “I Don’t Mind”. If you don’t already have it, you should get your hands on a copy of the Buzzcocks’ Singles Going Steady album.

Next is The Jam with *singing* “Goin’ Underground”!

[After “Going Underground” by The Jam]

2-D: Well, that’s it! My time’s up. This is the last track from me, 2-D from Gorillaz tonight, and it’s by a band called Wire! A long-time favorite of mine.

[Wire’s “Mannequin” playing in the background]

A lot of their work was quite abstract, but they were intelligent artists who could also do, like, pop melodies? Uh, this is one of ‘em! You’ve been listenin’ to me, 2-D from Gorillaz, muckin’ about. I hope you enjoyed it! I’m out of here like I stole somethin’! See ya!

#I find it funny that whoever compiled the records for 2-D was like “yeah throw whatever electronic band in there. he'll like it”#and instead he just gets upset bc it wasn't what he specifically chose lol #Gorillaz #The Band #The Darkest Star (2-D)#Crank It On Blast (Audio)#Iceberg Radio (2005)

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avida-heidia-5 · 4 months

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While we wait for the 2024 Formula 1 season to arrive, I thought I’d entertain myself by playing a little tag game I’ve just created. Feel free to participate if you have the time to do it. 😊

🏎️💨 THE FORMULA 1 TAG GAME! 🏎️💨:

1. Who or what got you into F1?

2. Who was the very first F1 driver you supported? Do you support them now? Have your opinions on them differed or stayed the same since then?

3. Who’s your current favourite F1 driver?

4. Is there a driver pairing or pairings you support? What made you attracted to that pairing in the first place?

5. Do your parents, siblings or relatives have a favourite team and/or favourite driver(s)?

6. Do you have any favourite races? Are there any that stand out to you the most?

7. Do you have a favourite circuit? Can be from the past or from the current calendar.

8. Have you ever been to an F1 race in real life? Feel free to tell us your experience going to one if you like.

9. Have you ever met an F1 driver in real life?

10. Do you have a favourite F1 car? If so, what is it?

11. Do you have a favourite one win wonder?

12. Do you have any favourite quotes from the F1 world? This can either be inspirational or hilarious.

(This is all the questions I could come up with, I’m afraid! My brain is absolutely worn to a frazzle! 😮‍💨)

Now tag as many people as you like! I tag the following peeps: @kaossbells, @argentinagp, @hurricane-heatt, @skitskatdacat63, @racingliners, @formulaes5, @princemick, @4xmulti21champion, @schumigrace, @hungriestheidi, @ellalovesvettel, @twinkodium, and @wanderingblindly. Feel free to participate if you would like to. No pressure! 😊

If I haven’t tagged you in this but you want to participate, you have my permission. Go absolutely wild!

Now here are my answers below the cut! Warning: I can be a touch rambly!

1. Who or what got you into F1?

My parents introduced me to F1 in 2004 when I was around 4 or 5 years old. I vividly remember watching pretty much the whole of the 2005 season on the telly and how amazing a lot of the races were back then. 😍 Since then, we’ve been keeping up with watching races, following the news, and visiting Silverstone for Free Practice sessions and fun events like the Classic Weekend and the Lap Of Lights whenever possible.

2. Who was the very first F1 driver you supported? Do you support them now? Have your opinions on them differed or stayed the same since then?

I was drawn to Kimi Räikkönen when I was young because I found him attractive. 😳 This was before I knew anything about F1. 😅 Once I got into the habit of watching the sport regularly, I was happily cheering him on. That McLaren was a BEAST…when it was reliable. 😬

I didn’t know much about Kimi’s story back then. As I grew older though, I did some research on him and came to understand why fans love him so much. He kept a cool head during qualifying and race days (He’s called The Iceman for a reason!) and I just love his personality in general: Quiet, composed, honest, and straightforward. And who could forget the memes that spawned during Kimi’s return to F1?

Even though Kimi’s retired from the sport (seemingly for good 😢), I still love and support him with all my heart, whatever he gets up to. 💙❄️

3. Who’s your current favourite F1 driver?

Sebastian Vettel. Oooooh Sebastian Vettel! Where do I even start? 🥰

I have an insane adoration for this man, even more than Kimi admittedly. Seb is just…on another level to me. 😍😍😍

He’s the sweetest, most loveliest man on the planet. He’s kind, generous, talented, and cultured. He’s also an environmentalist, and I fully support his journey to try and make our planet a greener, tidier, happier, and healthier place. 🌎🌱 I’m always fascinated with what he has to say; whether it’s something positive or negative. He has a ridiculous knowledge of everything related to F1 and our environment, and I love him even more for it.

Seb is also retired from F1 and I still miss him dearly, but that doesn’t stop me from loving and supporting this man. I adore him to absolute BITS! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

4. Is there a driver pairing or pairings you support? What made you attracted to that pairing in the first place?

Sebastian Vettel and Mark Webber have an interesting dynamic to me. I’ve enjoyed seeing their relationship develop and fall apart and repair themselves back together on track, from when the two were teammates at Red Bull all the way up to today. It’s good that they can laugh about their mishaps and misfortunes afterwards. I don’t know, these two just fascinate me. 💜

Other favourite driver pairings include (in no particular order): Seb and Kimi, Seb and Charles Leclerc, Fernando Alonso and Giancarlo Fisichella, Fernando Alonso and Lance Stroll, Lando Norris and Carlos Sainz Jr., Lando Norris and Daniel Ricciardo, Charles Leclerc and Carlos Sainz Jr., and FINALLY, Alex Albon and Logan Sargeant.

5. Do your parents, siblings or relatives have a favourite team and/or favourite driver(s)?

We’re happy to support any team, but we’re primarily McLaren supporters in this household. 🧡 As for drivers, my mum loves Jenson Button and my dad is a Nigel Mansell and Fernando Alonso supporter. My sister just recently started getting into F1 and she supports Lando Norris. We never have any complaints or disputes over our choices, which is nice. 😊

6. Do you have any favourite races? Are there any that stand out to you the most?

There’s quite a lot of races I’ve enjoyed watching over the years. I don’t like the current races that much; I’m more of a 2000’s & 2010’s grid enjoyer. My favourite race of all time has got to be the 2012 Brazilian GP. It was the most nail-biting race I have ever watched! I was on the edge of my seat the whole time! 😱 To me, nothing can top it!

However, the race that stood out to me the most – and the race that firmly cemented my enjoyment for the sport – was the 2005 Japanese Grand Prix. Kimi was a BEAST in that McLaren! From starting dead last on the grid to snatching victory on the final lap. What a show he put on! 🤩👏🏻

7. Do you have a favourite circuit? Can be from the past or from the current calendar.

Spa-Francorchamps will forever be my favourite circuit. It’s home to one of the most iconic battles in history. (“BUT HERE COMES SEBASTIAN VETTEL!!!!”) Plus the foresty backdrop is absolutely stunning. 😍 One of my dream goals is to visit this iconic circuit and watch a race in person one day. 🙏🏻

I also love Silverstone, Hockenheim, Monza, Sepang, Interlagos, and the Nürburgring.

8. Have you ever been to an F1 race in real life? Feel free to tell us your experience going to one if you like.

No, I’ve never been to a race before. Not yet, at least. I would really love to go to one with my family and friends though. 🤩🙏🏻

9. Have you ever met an F1 driver in real life?

Unfortunately, as of writing, no. We’ve taken many pictures of drivers, but I’ve yet to actually come face-to-face with them and take their autographs and have pictures with them. 🙁 One day, I’m hoping this will all come true. 🤞🏻

My parents briefly talked to Esteban Ocon when he was a reserve driver. (They don’t know which team he was in at the time and I don’t know either. This was around 2015, if that helps. 🤷🏻‍♀️) My mum was extremely lucky to talk to and get an autograph from Jenson Button’s dad John when he was alive. I believe this was around the time before Jenson won the World Championship. They’ve yet to get Jenson’s autograph. Again, one day! 🤞🏻

10. Do you have a favourite F1 car? If so, what is it?

I don’t have many favourite cars, and I’m not a car nerd like my dad is. However, the McLaren MP4/20 is a certified favourite of mine. The black and white West McLaren livery in general looked very smart. I’m happy it lasted a very long time from 1997 to 2005. 😍 I wish they brought those colours back in modern races, like for special occasions or something. 😭

I also love the blue and yellow Mild Seven Renault livery from 2005, followed by McLaren’s delightfully retro Gulf livery from 2021, and Hungry Heidi herself: the Red Bull RB9 from 2013.

11. Do you have a favourite one win wonder?

Robert Kubica. This man went from having his horrific accident during the 2007 Canadian GP to winning the race a year later at the same circuit. What a legend! 🤍

12. Do you have any favourite quotes from the F1 world? This can either be inspirational or hilarious.

Let’s start with my favourite hilarious quote: Kimi’s got hundreds of iconic moments during his time in F1. I actually use his infamous quote “Just leave me alone! I know what I’m doing!” quite often in normal conversations, so…I’ll go with that! 🤣🤣🤣

As for inspirational quotes, hmmm, that’s a lot harder. The one that came to my head first was Daniel Ricciardo’s “Enjoy the butterflies” quote. I also love Sebastian Vettel’s “You can’t always be the best, but you can do your best.” and his retirement speech, among others. If I had to choose one….uhhhhh, let’s go with Daniel! I love them all equally though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

#My tag game #Formula 1 Tag Game #tag game #ask game #My ramblings: F1 #formula 1 #f1 #random #personal

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mudefrau · 2 months

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Shell Thropp

1.7K words of me rambling ❤️ Perhaps more since I'm going to pin this and keep editing whenever I want to add something new.

Under the cut because it's long (I won't be tagging spoilers as much since this book is from 2005)

I've avoided mentioning his most problematic part but I reference it; CW for some disturbing and/or sexual themes. Do not blame me, the source material is like that!

OK so when you Ctrl+F “Emperor” with new knowledge and go back into the book, it’s a trip and a half. “The next hollow man, reeking with glory” -> The early text compares him to the scarecrow puppet governor, but at this point we’re not supposed to know who the Emperor is. Yet in retrospect, I’m enjoying the hollow/shell wordplay, it feels like a subtle hint…

His elevation to Emperor happens while Liir is doing military service in Quadling country, I don’t remember if it’s mentioned but by then Liir was over 20 I think wait no he was still a teenager according to Amazon book description?? I'm confused. it’s hard to pinpoint a date. I want to put together a timeline like I did for the first book someday… Nessa died at 34, Liir was 14-ish then (IIRC Nor is a couple years older than him), so Shell must be 34 – 5 = 29? So taking as reference Liir’s age, we can say Shell is that age + 15.

Speaking of ages, the last time Shell ever saw Elphaba he was probably… 9...?

Liir is, understandably, baffled when Trism tells him Shell is the Emperor and that he’s met him and has become very humble and gentle. But I find this radical transformation very interesting. It reminds me of Nessa, who used to hate sorcery and then became the Wicked Witch of the East. Shell, on the contrary, is the filthiest sinner (“a fornicator and a sot”), then acts like the holiest godsent, the Emperor Apostle.

Shell is very indifferent whenever asked about his sisters and their recent deaths, and often cuts to change the topic. Interestingly when Liir asks him “Was your sister a martyr”, he thinks of Nessarose first; just to say he doesn’t care because he does not have a faith.

It’s not unreasonable to think he's seen Nessa more than he's seen Elphaba… and apparently, he could not stand her (“Nessarose had so much faith that no one else in the family could breathe”. Most likely not intentional, but for someone who uses cutesy nicknames for others (Chyde-ey, Cherryvery, Liir-boy), he doesn’t shorten Nessarose to Nessa or Nessie.

I have a few hcs about Shell & Nessa, but I believe he was suave enough to have her believe he likes her and was on her side. Frex and her thought they were getting data from his espionage job. But he probably was trading back insider information about the government of Munchkinland to other parties as well.

He did not even show up to Nessa’s funeral or at least he was there only briefly (since he did send a message to Elphaba about it) but left immediately; and there were rumors he had defected, but IMO he might’ve not been fully on their side to start with.

Shell did tend to Frex after Nessa and Elphaba’s death, and the text indicates he could not even stop having hook ups then (sorry I have to point it out because I’m just amazed how he Never Stops)

In the last exchange between Elphaba and Nessa, Nessa says “I’ve just been clumsy and outspoken. Don’t expect me to remember how to be sisterly in such a short while” to which Elphaba responds “You’ve had Shell to practice on all these years” and Nessa says nothing about it. I think about that a lot and how It might’ve hurt, considering how Shell sees Nessa + the fact Elphie does not know him at all.

At some point in SoaW, after Shell is elevated to Emperor, there are broadsheets on public boards of “a male foot in an open, leather-strapped sandal stepping out of a cloud” of all the places the Emperor has set foot on in Oz. As if he’s trying to make his shoes as iconic as Nessa’s 🤔 (btw, if not metaphorical he might have a mace as well, a bit like in those emperor tarot cards. I drew him with Ozma’s staff because it seemed logical)

Can we, in general, compare Emperor Shell to Eminence Nessa? Maybe he’s an extreme version of her, theocraticness considered. Liir and Glinda actually discuss how Shell is using “piety as the new political aphrodisiac” and how Elphaba would be “outraged”, but Elphie was only slightly upset about Nessa doing similar things. I already analyzed this because that has to do with the previous book, but anyway it’s funny how little Elphaba ever cared about Shell compared to Nessa lmao (I bet this made him rage too)

There is a part in which Liir and Candle find some kind of potentially inflammatory press that says “Pieties of the Apostle. The virtue of the UGLY”. IDK if it's me not being good at English and not really getting what it all meant but I had to look up the word and does this count as a double meaning? hm

Liir explaining to some Birds: “He claims the divine right of the elect—not elected by people, but by the Unnamed God” heh unelected official (possibly not a musical reference since there are more obvious ones, but I can pretend). I feel like he could’ve taken over Colwen Grounds if he wanted (it’s implied in the first book by Elphie saying that if Nessa wanted to abdicate he could be “located to stand in”), but he didn’t, after Nessa’s death.

“He’d had those two powerful sisters; next to them he must always have felt like shredded cabbage” -> Here it is. (even if this is just Trism speculating)

The thing is, as of SoaW, we still don't know if he's pulling an act or that he actually believes God has awakened him. I suppose I’ll know in… 2 books… Also I am still a bit confused as of where he got the dragons from. It is mentioned he likely has a page of the Grimmerie “On the Administration of Dragons”, could that also be the source?

Let’s talk about pre-Emperor Shell now!!

But first let me go back into the book a bit, when Liir is in a coma and these rumors are emerging from the convent:

“The man-child was the Emperor’s confessor. He was a brigand trafficking in the sex trade. He spoke in the voice of a Loon. Except for a single rib, the man-child had broken every bone in his body.”

I would like to post an analysis on the first page of the first book about Elphaba one day, but my point is I find it fascinating that whenever there’s an Ozian rumor there’s always a little bit of basis. Yes, Liir knows Shell’s dirty laundry. Involved in sex trade, well, Shell was (as supply himself? Not sure, we’ll discuss below). Yes Liir was leading a Bird congress later on and flies, hence the Loon association. And Liir has indeed broken a lot in his body atp.

Edit: wait according to A Lion Among Men he frequented "girlie arcades" so fair to assume he also pays and when he said "I'm to be back at the Palace by midnight for fun and frolic if I can pay with the coin they require" prob he also meant that. The wiki article nota bene of "perhaps a sex addict" might be right. His motto is "one does whom one can" according to Southstair's prison undermajor.

Later, the book goes back to the moment Liir (14-16ish years old, I suppose) meets Shell. I enjoy the descriptions from his pov. The very first one is "A handsome younger man with a keen, guarded expression", of course Liir would point out he's handsome as he can appreciate masculine beauty hehe. Later, “sleek where [Elphaba] had been spiky”. He’s also taller than Elphaba, a fop, well-dressed it gets mentioned a few times (I mean look at this, I googled it verbatim. it's sexy).

I'm convinced he lives in the (now empty, since he and Liir and the only Thropps and Liir doesn't even acknowledge it) family home in Lower Mennipin Street, Emerald City, since he only went back to Munchkinland sporadically and in SOAW not at all, he does most of his business in the EC and he's not giving up a life of luxury. (cap from 1st book)

He is Liir’s guide to Southstairs, the prison. They get through a secret entrance in the Palace (reminder he’s not the Emperor yet) and go down a lot of… stairs, later they take a dory to go through a canal underground, and I get a lot of “hell” vibes here. His name was supposed to be a tribute to Turtle Heart but has “hell” in it, the rhyme even gets made in-universe. I like the imagery

I said I wouldn’t go over detailing the most problematic part, because I feel like most people know and that’s why he’s not a liked character even among those who've read SoaW (especially among those). But IMO approving =/= finding him interesting, plus he’s purely fictional and handsome so I can like him lol? So yeah, he takes advantage of women in vulnerable positions in a very disgusting way. Also if I think too much about it, I end up with quite dark implications that I do not want to think too hard about... (ok I'll say it. Are we SURE he did not give Liir any cousins because seriously- but with the fact corpses from Southstairs are later fed to dragons...oouh it's not looking good)

But I need to add how Tunkle (some prison guard Ape) warns Liir twice not to get too close to him, and how “Liir didn’t have the nerve to follow” (when Shell goes into the first cell) implies to me Shell wouldn’t have stopped him. Creepy… When Chyde suggests whether Nor was one of his “patients”, he said that she’d be too young and he has standards, good to know though 😭

Further description, “sicker than most” (by Tunkle), I’m obsessed. Most men know he's horrible (Tunkle, Chyde, Cherrystone) though they joke about it like it's not a big deal. Women, I think, might not be aware; Glinda would not have directed Liir to him like that in that case, and the family probably does not either (plus her description confirms it: "No friend of mine, but a bereaved member of her family").

Earlier when talking to Commander Cherrystone, he brags about how he got his wool jacket “bartering mostly”, Cherrystone refers to him as having a “prettier penny” to spend, hmm… Listen, the Wicked wiki lists his occupation as “spy and gigolo” but I’m having my doubts here after Southstairs, after he presents his services as some kind of reward he’s giving those (female) prisoners but it’s actually non-consensual.

Coming back to Liir. I want to think Shell has a soft spot for him, but I might be hallucinating. There are moments where he seems defensive of him, even calling him “my boy”. But he flip-flops between almost kind and “ugh, leave me alone and fend for yourself” with him. And in their second meeting (by chance at a tavern) he’s like “lmao I thought you had drowned or something” but also “you and Trism are flirting aren’t you hehe, do you want my ride to get home in a hurry?” (making both of them flustered, but sincerely helpful) so idk what to make out of it.

Anyway, by the end of their first time spent together, Liir absolutely despises him and refuses to shake his hand goodbye (he even considers biting his hand but thinks Shell would even joke about that haha). However, Liir can’t help but compare himself to him at points, “He felt as lithe and full of ginger as that cunning Shell had seemed” and “Was his skin the color of [Elphaba’s] brother Shell’s?”

Nanny goes from being fascinated by Shell’s adventures and retelling them with excitement to “you know what he’s impossible and I never really liked him” lol. I still wonder whether Frex sent him to Shiz like his other 2 children or not. If so, I bet he spent most of his study time at the Philosophy Club lmao

Speaking of Frex, Shell might be a victim of Frex's favoritism for Nessa a bit like Elphaba is- I'm not excusing Shell by any means but I'm saying he got the worst version of Frex (after Turtle Heart AND Melena's death), who must've been super depressed and secluded in religion. Perhaps Shell's libertine behavior is a big "fuck you" to him... not fully, because for sure Shell does the things he does because *he* enjoys it, but could've started as part of juvenile rebellion

I'm intrigued by his portrayal in Elphie, the book about Elphaba's childhood, since the summary refers to him as a little delinquent (“junior felon”) and I'm happy Maguire is keeping this consistent. I've seen him in fics where he's so innocent and... I guess this is also why I'm writing this, so people who don't feel like reading the second book can get a clearer idea of what he's like.

A Lion Among Men addendum: it is confirmed that the men who put the "scarecrow" in power after Glinda were likely conjuring with on the side of Shell, which he very likely burnt. Interesting that I extrapolate from this that he kinda fears Glinda lmao??!

Also apparently he hired Ms Greyling (Shiz sorcery prof) to decipher the page of the Grimmerie. Interestingly he has no inherent witchiness. And this will be backup for my headcanon that he did de facto go to Shiz hence the connection! (and he probably slept with professors because how else would he pass lmao)

OK...the dragons... self-note to talk about the dragons more in the future because trying to figure how they got there makes my head hurt right now. But it's interesting how Shell has friends in places that end up enabling him: Cherrystone, coming up with the attack in Qhoyre so that him as the Emperor has an excuse to unleash his "brand new defensive system" aka dragons. And Chyde the under-mayor of Southstairs supply the dragons with fresh corpses thanks to his "culling campaigns", which are essential to dragons' diet. The men in the Scarecrow cabinet to put him in power after it was mysteriously burned.

Trism and Shell's relationship def seems interesting in the sense that Trism wants to kill Liir for what he's triggered through a chain reaction, ending up in them both being complicit in a killing machine so to speak, but somehow exonerates Shell of everything even though he is the root cause. He praises him and says he was tender. Hmm

#shell thropp #son of a witch #gregory maguire #wicked meta #thropp siblings #long post #i edit this post often please keep checking it. peace and love

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