#I’ve been wanting to write Bruce grief for awhile | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ladyofthegrey · 1 year

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For being my personal blog, I really haven’t been updating it very well.

Earlier this year, I found out I was pregnant. Yes, we were trying. Figure at 30 having a baby was more important that getting married. Anyway, his name was Damien Bruce. He was born at 26 weeks due to me having severe preeclampsia due to some undiagnosed blood pressure issues. I almost died when they had to deliver him. It was a very emergent c-section. I won’t go into too many details. But it was pretty bad and brutal on both myself and my son. He did really well for awhile, for a while. But his lungs were undeveloped. At first. it was normal preemie baby stuff. And it was still estimated he’d get to go home around his original due date. Then things took a really bad turn when he got sick. He just kept back pedaling. His lungs had a lot of damage. Ultimately, the doctor said I had to make a decision. Either we could wait it out and he was likely to pass on his own. Or we could make him comfortable and let him go on our terms. She said if we waited and he made it... he’d have to be a machine... for like... ever. Just to breathe and survive. So we made a really hard decision.

It’s been almost two months. It’ll be two months this Friday. After he passed, my partner and I spent ten days out of state to cope with his loss. It was a wonderful time and really good for healing for us both. The hardest part so far has been me working here from home. I’m all alone. And it gets really taxing being here. The pressure of work is really difficult. I’m managing, though. I’m trying to.

Yesterday was first the day I went without crying. Today I’m doing good, too. Except I’m tearing up a bit while writing this. It hurts because I just miss him so much. And I’m surrounded by people who keep trying to compare their experiences to mine... but it’s not the same. I almost die. My child lived for 57 days. And I watched him pass in my arms. It’s not the same. But I’m keeping myself not... busy... because distracting yourself from this just isn’t a thing. I’m keeping my promise to him. To my baby boy. I promised I’d be better to myself and work for a better life. And that’s what I’m doing.

I stopped smoking cigarettes. The only time I have smoked was when I was doing some writing. But I literally can’t even smoke a whole one. I stopped drinking a lot. I have maybe a couple mixed drinks here and there. I’ve gotten “drunk” maybe twice? Both times were during the weekend. I’ve been communicating with my partner about cleaning and keeping the house a lot cleaner. I’ve started house projects. I’m currently working on redoing the living room. And I’m peeling paint off the bathroom walls.

I’m healthier physically. I would say mentally but I now have pretty bad PTSD that just kind of triggers whenever it wants. That’s usually when I start crying. I have to stop what I’m doing and just let it happen. But I’m medicated for it, now. That’s been really helping. Like a lot. I’m seeing a new doctor for my blood pressure soon. And I’m seeing a therapist who is helping me with my postpartum and my depression and PTSD and even my grief. Should be part of a support group soon.

But... that’s about it. I guess the most important thing is my son. I’ve gone into detail about the whole thing. But I haven’t really posted it online. I don’t want my story or son to be a “post”. He was so much more than that. I miss him terribly every day. And I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many times I thinks about holding him within just a few hours. He was a special guy. And full of fire and spirit. It’s a shame this world will miss him. He would have been great. But the cosmos has him now. And I’m sure he’s creating all sorts of chaos.

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frostbittenbucky · 3 years

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I know Jason’s death destroyed Bruce

I know that man sobbed and sobbed and sobbed

That man would have days where he would just break down over his child because that was his child

Bruce would imagine the fear that Jason must have felt

The agony he felt before his death. Bruce saw the wounds from his beating, the swelling around his limbs and on his face

I refuse to believe Bruce got home from that day and went back to work immediately. I fucking refuse

Jason wasn’t just some kid to Bruce, that was his child. His 15-year-old child who was killed in an extremely horrific way

I refuse to believe Bruce didn’t wake up in the middle of the night sobbing

That he didn’t wake up and immediately start wailing for his boy

I fucking refuse to believe that

I believe on that day he went to bed in his home he woke up from his slumber and just screamed and cried until Alfred ran in to comfort him and all he could say was, “this is worse. This is so much worse than losing them’

Because the pain of losing a child is something nobody should go through, and that is the day he stopped fighting in only his parents memory. He fought for Jason

And that was the day he realized his parents would’ve gone through this pain if it had been him. No one deserves this, no one should bury their child

#look I’m not saying he didn’t mourn Jason but I just want to write how I think he mourned #I know he was ugly crying for days #look I thought my cat got eaten by foxes once and I lost my fucking shit I cried so much I was literally exhausted all my energy #went to crying so I REFUSE TO BELIEVE BRUCE DIDNT FUCKING FALL APART AND BREAK OVER THE LOST OF HIS HUMAN CHILD WHO WAS MURDERED #I’ve been wanting to write Bruce grief for awhile #bruce wayne #batman #Jason todd #my post #grief

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bigskydreaming · 3 years

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You said the other day that you don't really like Talon stories. Do you mind saying why?

LOL they’re just not really what I’m here for? Idk, I think people tend to make a bigger deal out of this than it actually is even in my head, maybe because Talon stories have so quickly become such a staple of fics that it just seems weird not to like them? And its not like I’ve never liked one or been intrigued by a premise, I have, though specific recs elude me at the moment, there’s one I was reading on ff.net I really enjoyed, it was YJ verse.....

But honestly its really just that a recurring theme of Dick’s stories in canon - and one of the things I turn to fanfic for in the first place, to get away from, to read something ELSE about him - is dehumanization. Reducing his sense of self, brainwashing or controlling him, making him other than he usually is, even just in temporary ways....it gets old. I come to fanfic hoping to read and write stuff beyond that, and Talon fics are so often even heavier on the dehumanizing him aspect of things, like making him even more mindless than most Talons in canon are ever portrayed, and don’t get me started on how often they just flat out refer to Talon Dick as ‘it’.....its just a no thanks from me. Just not what I’m looking for.

Add to that other incidentals, like, its completely understandable in context of these narratives that the Batfam feel they have to restrain Dick while he’s a Talon and in the Batcave, but again, its just not something I’m looking to read? Because for example, another big theme of mine is how uncomfortable and unwelcome I think Dick’s come to feel in Wayne Manor over the years, given the many times Bruce has essentially kicked him out and how little effort he’s made to make it into a home for him again (like I think there are more reasons than just grief that Dick lived in the penthouse rather than the Manor when Bruce was believed dead and Dick was in charge of his estate)....so when you look at things from that angle, which I’m just kinda predisposed towards doing, the imprisonment angle of Talon fics (and the attitudes of a lot of the Batcharacters as they go about it, like they’re just being pragmatic, Dick will understand - yeah he might understand but that doesn’t mean there won’t be mental and emotional undercurrents of resentment and hurt to that understanding)....like, its just one more way/reason for Dick’s childhood home to be turned against him and made a place where he feels or will remember feeling explicitly unwelcome. I’m not saying its WRONG to take that angle in fics, lol, I’m just saying....its not for me. Its just not what I’m looking for.

Also its a bit of a pet peeve to see Talon abilities viewed as an upgrade rather than something inflicted on him by his tormentors and at BEST somethting Dick would have very conflicting views on - and tbh this isn’t limited to just him, I have similar thoughts about how Cass might feel about her own abilities and how even now that she can communicate well with others, she still feels somewhat different or removed from most people because of this ‘superpower’ that had to be ABUSED into her and that she would have traded for her father’s actual love any day - but I mean, there’s a thing in a lot of Talon fics where alongside the dehumanization angle, which Dick isn’t even just expected to just ‘get over’ once he’s back to his regular mental awareness, because its usually never even delved into, how he feels about the fact that for awhile there, he was nothing more than an ‘it’ even in his family’s eyes, and IMO he’s like, funny, I’m pretty sure I’m still the only person in this body all along, so if it was just an it to you, where exactly did you think I was? But aside from the angst I feel he SHOULD have from thinking about how easily he was viewed as just a mindless tool and pawn and thing by people, there’s a tendency to hop, skip and jump to him being okay with his Talon ‘upgrades’ because they make him so much more effective....and there’s just a WAY this is usually gone about that like, for me, glosses over how effective he was without them, and the fact that none of his family members seem to need or think they need them themselves to be effective....and somewhere in all that, it seems to get lost that the whole reason the Court even WANTS Dick so badly is because of how effective he is even already.

Plus - there’s my personal annoyance with how characters with super-fast healing are treated in narratives across the board. In comics, books, movies, shows, fics, everywhere - I ranted about this a TON in Teen Wolf fandom, its a complaint I have with Wolverine and his family in Marvel comics, etc....I vastly dislike how often its just treated as assumed that just because a character heals rapidly, like....the actual trauma and pain of injuries inflicted might as well not even matter. Like, that’s not how it works IMO? When I think about a time I broke an arm, I’m not thinking about ‘oh it barely matters because it only took a couple months to heal and when I view that in the context of my whole lifespan that’s barely anything, it was so fast’....like no, I’m thinking about what it felt like when I actually BROKE it. There’s a tendency, I feel, when characters get an ability to make an injury disappear out of sight out of mind rapidly, to just view the emotional and mental consequences of injury being inflicted as negligible, and not really mattering anymore, and I heavily disagree with that logic. IMO, these characters throwing themselves headfirst in front of everyone else as a human shield, while practical in one sense of the word, is also like, begging to be examined as oh I see, so basically you’re saying that now that you no longer need to be treated with care because you’re invulnerable, you’re worthless and the pain that goes along with all those injuries you get 100x more of now, that’s like...meaningless and fake news.

I mean, even if you make an argument for Dick no longer having pain receptors (which I’d also be heavily against because uh, if you go that route you’re also inadvertently suggesting things about his sensory input and ability to feel varying degrees of touch across the board and again its more the lack of examination of that as much as anything else that’s things that make me go mmmm no thanks)....the injuries are still being inflicted and there’s still gonna be psychological damage inflicted from processing that no one seems significantly bothered by him being ‘family niche - human pincushion for the prevention of others saying oww’ without so much as commentary.

And lastly, did I mention, I just really really reeeeeeally dislike the dehumanization angle that tends to go hand in hand with these fics.

But for the record, like, I honestly do like the Court of Owls and what they bring to Dick’s stories because all of this, ironically is precisely why they DO play so well into his core themes of autonomy and independence and self-determinism. Its just, I’m here for fics where Dick triumphs over them and their attempts to hijack him and his life for their own agendas, and I feel like a lot of the time we see a Pyrrhic victory at best, when going the Talon route, and a lot of THAT time its not even regarded or treated as such, but rather a full victory with no real examination of how Dick’s life is different now, how he’s changed not just by what was done to him but by how he was treated by BOTH sides WHILE it was done to him?

And the other element here is like....the Court and their presence in his fics doesn’t HAVE to equal making him a full on Talon along the way, just like it never has in canon. I don’t view the fulfillment of what’s inherently a THREAT to his character as an improvement UPON his character. *shrugs* But also there’s just so many avenues for angst or emotional tangles when it comes to the Court even without making Dick a Talon himself.....just have him picturing or having nightmares of imagining his parents turned into Talons and how horrifying he’d find that, or worry in the wake of revelations about the Court that his family is now looking at him differently, imagining the threat HE could be when he hasn’t even done anything. Or there’s the angle of Bruce knowing but not telling him to try and protect him but that causing conflict OR you could go a route I’ve never seen done before, and like, have Dick and Bruce come into conflict with the Court before any of the others come along and like, save Dick from ever being made a full Talon but the point is years later the Court resurfaces and they and their plans for Dick are a complete revelation to his siblings and there’s perfectly understandable conflict because of that even if the reason is as simple and equally as understandable as Bruce didn’t feel it was his to share if Dick didn’t want to, as long as they honestly thought the Court had been neutralized, and he respected that its a painful topic to Dick that he wasn’t trying to hide, he just flat out didn’t want to talk about so it never came up.

There’s a lot that can be done with the Court, but usually they’re just utilized as a prelude to Talon Dick Grayson and bottom line is that’s just not somewhere I’m usually looking to go, personally.

BUT in the spirit of me being completely contradictory as always, again its like I said, there are some here and there that I really get into, there’s a YJ one that really delves deep into Dick’s emotions on all of this and has a prequel set during Jason’s Robin days, when they first encounter the Court, I forget the title but someone feel free to drop it in the notes if you know what I’m talking about, and @dustorange always does interesting things with the Court and Talons that’s different each time and I’m sure I’m forgetting more, so its not like.....a blanket across the board nope thing. Its just I have particular reservations about HOW a lot of Talon and Court fics play out that I’m just....not the right audience for simply because its not what I’m looking for in fics, personally.

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polizwrites · 6 years

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WIP Update - 3 Oct

Tony Stark Bingo 2018 Challenge:

I posted my eighteenth fill (R2 - Nerds) late last week: Built from Scratch . Rhodey lends a hand with Tony's MIT capstone project and they both reflect on their friendship. It's a short, Gen-rated brofic (982 words) that's the first of a series, with part two: Tempered in Grief (R5 - 'all's well that ends well') coming tomorrow. Part 3 is in progress, sitting at 285 words as of this morning.

Other in-progress fills include T2 -’Questionable decision-making process': loosely inspired by the Frankenstein novel, it has Monster!Bucky interacting with kid!Tony (platonic WinterIron, obviously). The first chapter is pretty much done and sitting at 1367 words with the final work probably ending up as a 5-7k piece. I'm still sitting at just over 200 words on T3 - Natasha Romanov, which is the events of IM2 told from her POV. A few scenes are sketched out for the Peter Quill & Tony comic panel ("No reason this can't be fun, spoken by Peter); and I have an idea for S4 - Steampunk AU thanks to marsmaywander over on the WinterIron Discord. This leaves me with two squares I have no idea what to do with at the moment: (Tony/Bruce, and a comic panel with Tony and Steve staring at each other over a table at a restaurant). If anyone wants to throw plot bunnies my way, go for it. I'd be ridiculously pleased to end up with a blackout on this bingo, but won't be too torn up if it doesn't happen.

The Tony Stark Bingo collection is up to 178 works -- go check the collection out for some amazing fics and arts !!! @tisfan did an awesome job of putting this project together and deserves tons of kudos!

I've been working on the next two chapters for Opening Up a Brand New Door. as the lovely and talented @beir drew a fantastic piece of fanart for it- go take a look! Chapter Two (1463 words) will probably post over the weekend, and my beta has given Chapter 3 (1864 words) a good look-see as well. I also want to get back to the other published WIPs I've got going: The Words That Will Move Me is probably next on deck for a (smutty) update.

WinterIron Bingo Adventure 2018: I’ve completed two fills: I1 - Unmixy Things: Weird Crossovers and B3 - Imprisonment, and am working on the next chapter of The Thorn and the Rose (still sitting at 534 words) that may fulfill the B4-Fighting fill. A future chapter of the Take What Was Wrong (And Make it Right) wingfic and/or the Frankenstein-inspired fic will probably be fills for this bingo as well.

The following WIPs have gotten pushed to the back of the desk, but are still on the list. HINT: if any of these pique your fancy, let me know and maybe they’ll move up the list a bit….

The Shield Split Asunder (sequel for To Shield from the Storm ) I’m not sure when this will first see the light at the moment, TBH. The fic will be Steve POV and stick as close to canon as I can make it. I have the first two scenes roughly sketched out, but even with posting the Interlude a couple of weeks ago, I haven’t gotten any traction on it.

Carry On, Wayward Sons - I posted Chapter Three week before last, and have Vague Ideas of where I want it to go next. The intent is still to finish it and use the other StarkQuill/StarkLord piece I threw together awhile ago as part of a sequel for the Peter Quill & Tony comic TSB square I mentioned above.

The Rumlow POV remix of By Their Bootstraps (my de-aged Avengers fic) is still sitting at 4980 words and I don’t know at the moment if it will see the light of day; tho I hate to think of the time I spent on it going to waste.

The Subtle Briar – Still nothing new - other projects are demanding my attention. It’s supposed to be an alternate origin story for Agent Peggy Carter - and there’s a few scenes I really want to write set in Camp Lehigh, but time and motivation are in short supply.

I did a quick skim thru the @imaginetonyandbucky prompts a while ago - there were a couple that mildly piqued my interest - I ought to go back and see if any of them really grab me and/or can be matched up with a WinterIron Bingo Adventure prompt.

As always, any words of encouragement on these projects would be greatly appreciated!

#Writing Stuff #WIP Update #FanFic #MCU/Marvel #Tony Stark Bingo 2018 #Tony & Rhodey BroTP #gf!Tony #WinterIron

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maryenette-writes · 7 years

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They Never Told Him [Dick Grayson x Reader]

A/N: Part two of ‘They Never Told You’. I was meant to put it in with the first part but it’s WAY too long. Also, I could crush more hearts. Sorrynotsorry.

Pairing: Dick Grayson x Reader x Barbara Gordon

Word Count: 1112

@the-singing-canary @saramdeuli @schninner-writes-some-stuff @dc-comics-imagines

Your death hit everyone hard, but no one took it harder than Dick. When the hideout exploded with you inside, he screamed. He screamed like every bone in his body broke. It took everyone to stop him from running there into the destruction. It pained them, but they knew you wouldn’t want them to get hurt, especially Dick.

Searching for your body was difficult, but what was even more heartbreaking was that Dick was the one who found it. He recognized you immediately, even when there wasn’t much of you to identify with. His lips wobbled as his knees buckled and he fell beside your body. He shook as grief overtook him.

He should’ve been there. He should’ve saved you. It should’ve been him, not you. He had lost his parents, and he had prayed to every God he knew not to take someone else away, especially not you.

But the Gods never heard his prayers, and they ripped you from his arms too.

They never told him fate was as cruel as this.

The sky was clear and sunny, there was not a cloud above. Dick hated it, it was your funeral, the sky should be dark and gloomy. There should be growls of thunder from the distance as the darkening clouds threaten to rain hell upon them, but instead, they got sunshine and rainbows, with birds chirping joyously in the background.

The ceremony was small and private. There were only a few people that attended, and it made him sad. You were an amazing person who always brought light and happiness into people’s life, at least into his life. There should be more.

Even when everyone left, he stayed and stared at the grave. Walking away meant finally letting you go, and he wasn’t ready to do that. He wasn’t going to let you go, ever.

They never told him of a tragedy like this.

Days strung past, slowly, unbearably. Your presence was woven into the manor, where Dick was staying for the time being. They didn’t allow him to go on patrol, not until he got himself together, something he thought would be impossible.

You haunted him, surely you did. How else could he explain your laughter etched in his mind, your smile in rooms you were often found in and your touch whenever he felt alone. It was similar to when he had lost his parents, but back then he had you, who understood him and held him up, just as he did with you.

They never told him he would be as weak as this.

Dick found himself holding onto a piece of you constantly–an item you owned, a photo, even your old school assignments you left around the manor. He held onto anything he could. Some may see it was sad and pathetic, but he didn’t care. He was a mess.

You would be disappointed, that’s for sure. He could bet his life that you were frowning down upon him from above, in the realm of angels and saints, where a precious, pure soul like yours belonged.

They never told him friends left like this.

It was strange; you never know what you want until it’s finally lost. Dick felt that way towards you, for he never knew how much he actually needed you until you were gone. It wasn’t just your comforting word and your smile either, it was your… love. He desired your love, something which he never noticed before, not until it was taken from him.

His heart was desperate for you. It thrashed around in his chest, crying and screaming for the woman who stayed by his side through thick and thin, and no matter what, always returned to him.

They never told him regret feels like this.

He realized how blind he was. At first he was confused and shocked, but now he knew why; he was in love with you, he still is, and he didn’t know how long those feelings would stay. He doubt they would ever go away.

He didn’t know how such a feeling slipped from his mind. He vaguely recalled a time when things were different, when you were still the orphan Bruce took in, and his heart did flips. You had him smitten from the very first day, but he held the feelings inside of him for so long it seemed as if it was normal, for he didn’t believe they were returned.

That was why he never noticed them, because he convinced himself that being your best friend, no matter how painful it was, was enough.

It wasn’t enough, but it was too late for that now.

They never told him the worst part of this.

“Hey.” Dick whispered, sitting in front of your grave. He visited as much as he could, but recently he had been visiting less because he finally got his act together and went out there again. Bludhaven needed him and no matter how crushed he felt, he had a job to do and he was going to do it right.

“Sorry I haven’t visited in awhile, I’ve been busy.” He apologized, feeling a pang in his heart at the silence that followed. He continued, “I… I broke up with Babs, I don’t think I could stand being in the relationship any longer, not when–” he swallowed thickly, trying to will himself not to cry, “not when I don’t love her.”

He could imagine your look; your gorgeous eyes wide and curious as you demanded who stole his heart this time. You would’ve laughed if he said it had been stolen all along, and he could only imagine your blushing face when he would tell you that you were the one who stole it.

The scenario played itself over and over again in his head, finally causing those tears to fall because he knew it was never going to occur.

“Y-You know… I never got to tell you this but I’ll tell you now.” Dick confessed in a broken voice. “I love you. I love you so much [F/N]… I-I’m sorry I didn’t realize it before, I’m sorry–” he choked on his words, “please come back. You do-don’t have to forgive me, but please come back.”

He leaned forward, resting his head against the tombstone. His sobs were too loud in the silent cemetery. “I miss you… I want to see you ag-again. I-I want to see your smile, and hear your voice, and-and feel you hug me just-just–” he wiped his tears but they kept flowing, “just please. I miss you, I need you.”

“Please…”

They never told him love was going to be like this.

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