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cleolinda · 1 year

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Varney the Vampire: Chapter 13

Chapter 12: 4900 words about paintings oh and also we shot a vampyre

This chapter is roughly 4300 words, and the only reason I haven't lost my will to blog is that I have a much shorter chapter to look forward to. Also, this one is incredible.

Chapter XIII.

THE OFFER FOR THE HALL. -- THE VISIT TO SIR FRANCIS VARNEY. -- THE STRANGE RESEMBLANCE. -- A DREADFUL SUGGESTION.

I. The morning after

The squad can't find hide nor hair of the vampyre outside on the estate grounds, except some blood outside the window where Flora shot him, which is not the most recent time he was shot (by Charles Holland) nor the first time he was shot (by Henry). Swiss cheese has fewer holes than this guy. :[

Flora's brothers, fiancé, and kind-of uncle try to tell her that her fiancé was just firing a warning shot, you know, through the glass of her bedroom window, as you do, and everything is fine. She does not believe it, "only sighed deeply, and wept." Beautiful day, though:

The birds sang their pleasant carols beneath the window. The sweet, deep-coloured autumnal sun shone upon all objects with a golden lustre; and to look abroad, upon the beaming face of nature, no one could for a moment suppose, except from sad experience, that there were such things as gloom, misery, and crime, upon the earth.

I quote this partly because I'm curious as to whether James Malcolm Rymer will forget that he said it's autumn.

II. Classism for some reason

A female servant brings Henry (Flora's elder brother and the head of the Bannerworth household, if you're just joining us) a letter. That's the only real important development here, but Rymer blows a few hundred words on a woman who is "one of these who were always armed at all points for a row, and she had no notion of concluding any engagement, of any character whatever, without some disturbance." All I see is a worker who "only comed here by the day" and wants her pay so she can be done with these people who keep shooting vampyres in the middle of the night:

"I can't stay in the family as is so familiar with all sorts o' ghostesses: I ain't used to such company."

"What does I mean!" said the woman, "why, sir, if it's all the same to you, I don't myself come of a wampyre family, and I don't choose to remain in a house where there is sich things encouraged. That's what I means, sir."

Listen, maybe "ghostesses" is an accurate rendition of a working-class dialect. I have no idea where in Britain this is supposed to be taking place; I've seen the v-to-w thing in many 1800s works, I don't know. All I know is, Rymer likes to ride this particular hobbyhorse as hard and often as possible, in an extremely condescending way, and he informs us that this woman is spoiling for a fight even as [footage not found]. This scene seems to mostly be a comic interlude that portrays Henry as a put-upon saint. However, there is a major character coming up who talks like this 24/7, and Rymer clearly loves him, and I seem to remember that I kind of did too. It's an aspect to keep an eye on.

III. The letter

Now, remember, way back in the sixth chapter, the Bannerworth family was fielding an offer from some unnamed rando, through their solicitor, to buy Bannerworth Hall. Having been rebuffed then, he's back with a direct offer. As it turns out, he's also the new neighbor who committed the grave faux pas of, uh, expressing sympathy. The letter, which I reproduce here in full, says:

Dear Sir, As a neighbour, by purchase of an estate contiguous to your own, I am quite sure you have excused, and taken in good part, the cordial offer I made to you of friendship and service some short time since; but now, in addressing to you a distinct proposition, I trust I shall meet with an indulgent consideration, whether such a proposition be accordant with your views or not. What I have heard from common report induces me to believe that Bannerworth Hall cannot be a desirable residence for yourself, or your amiable sister. If I am right in that conjecture, and you have any serious thought of leaving the place, I would earnestly recommend you, as one having some experience in such descriptions of property, to sell it at once. Now the proposition with which I conclude this letter is, I know, of a character to make you doubt the disinterestedness of such advice; but that it is disinterested, nevertheless, is a fact of which I can assure my own heart, and of which I beg to assure you. I propose, then, should you, upon consideration, decide upon such a course of proceeding, to purchase of you the Hall. I do not ask for a bargain on account of any extraneous circumstances which may at the present time depreciate the value of the property, but I am willing to give a fair price for it. Under these circumstances, I trust, sir, that you will give a kindly consideration to my offer, and even if you reject it, I hope that, as neighbours, we may live on in peace and amity, and in the interchange of those good offices which should subsist between us. Awaiting your reply, Believe me to be, dear sir, Your very obedient servant, FRANCIS VARNEY.

ah shit y'all let's fucking GOOOOOO

Clasping his hands, then, behind his back, a favourite attitude of his when he was in deep contemplation, [Henry] paced to and fro in the garden for some time in deep thought. "How strange," he muttered. "It seems that every circumstance combines to induce me to leave my old ancestral home. It appears as if everything now that happened had that direct tendency. What can be the meaning of all this?"

There's a 1935 Bela Lugosi film called Mark of the Vampire that has an off-brand Dracula ("Count Mora") and his spooky daughter who (spoiler!) are actually actors hired to smoke out a murderer. (It was made only four years after Dracula, and with the same director, which really shores up the assumption that this will only be more of the same, just with the serial numbers filed off. It's very effective.) And this is what I thought of around this point in Varney, because Henry, more than once, will lead us to ask whether the vampyre attacks are just a hoax to force the Bannerworths to sell their ancestral home to an interested party. Maybe a relative of some sort, based on his resemblance to the family portrait, wants to get the Hall for himself. And on one hand, yes, the family is being constantly harassed by someone, a person who is earthly enough that they can't make a clean getaway over a wall, and the situation is now untenable.

On the other hand, you are asking me to believe that some mundane person coveting this mansion is so committed to the bit that he would actually bite Flora, leaving her and everything else covered in blood—we witnessed this happen. We were told that he had "fangs," not normal, scheming house-buyer teeth. Within the story, this happened. You are telling me that he would be willing to get shot, in the 1800s before surgeons even washed their hands—three? four? times now. He somehow vanishes instantly every time he's playing ghost at Charles Holland's door or getting capped outside a window. You are telling me that some normal mortal dude could or would do all of this?

Of course, it could be a little bit of both: an actual vampyre running a harassment campaign. Rymer really likes to play both—all—potential sides of a situation, and I can't tell if he just forgets that he absolutely made clear that Varney is a real vampire, or he just wants to run off with a particular idea right now and that's what we're doing. What're you gonna do, go find the penny paper from three months ago and check? It reminds me a lot of playing with my nephew—just making it up as you go along, going with whatever idea will keep a young child engaged, and he's in kindergarten, so who cares if it makes sense? Maybe the six-year-olds Rymer knew just had far more expansive vocabularies.

IV. Considering the offer

Whatever may truly be going on, Henry asks his sort-of-uncle Mr. Marchdale what he should do, and Marchdale comes up with some surprisingly practical advice: why don't you just rent the Hall to this rando for a year and see how it goes?

"Ay, and it might, with very great promise and candour, be proposed to this very gentleman, Sir Francis Varney, to take it for one year, to see how he likes it before becoming the possessor of it. Then if he found himself tormented by the vampyre, he need not complete the purchase, or if you found that the apparition followed you from hence, you might yourself return, feeling that perhaps here, in the spots familiar to your youth, you might be most happy, even under such circumstances as at present oppress you." "Most happy!" ejaculated Henry. "Perhaps I should not have used that word."

POINTS:

"Ejaculate" was a common synonym for "exclaim"; you see it frequently throughout older books. This is standard and unremarkable.

The word Marchdale should not have used is "happy."

No. No, you should not have used that word.

lmao

Henry then confers with his family, which is a considerate thing for a Head of the Household to do; we don't really hear anyone's opinion but Flora's, and she admits that she wants to get the fuck out of their beloved childhood home ASAP, as well she might, being the one who actually gets attacked. Henry is sad that she never mentioned this before; Flora says that she's hardly had any time to think, and also, she knows how much Henry loves the Hall. I don't know if Rymer just wanted some comic relief/space filler earlier, or if he intentionally had that incident with the unnamed servant to show how obliging and saintly Flora is in comparison. Love yourself for once, Flora, I'm putting that into the universe for you.

V. Interview with the vampyre

So now, Henry and Marchdale spend hundreds of words trooping out to the grand estate recently purchased by the neighbor they haven't met yet, one Sir Francis Varney. A servant bids them enter over the course of several sentences, until finally,

Henry and Marchdale followed the man up a flight of stone stairs, and then they were conducted through a large apartment into a smaller one. There was very little light in this small room; but at the moment of their entrance a tall man, who was seated, rose, and, touching the spring of a blind that was to the window, it was up in a moment, admitting a broad glare of light. A cry of surprise, mingled with terror, came from Henry Bannerworth's lips. The original of the portrait on the panel stood before him! There was the lofty stature, the long, sallow face, the slightly projecting teeth, the dark, lustrous, although somewhat sombre eyes; the expression of the features all were alike.

CHAPTER ONE:

The figure turns half round, and the light falls upon its face. It is perfectly white -- perfectly bloodless. The eyes look like polished tin; the lips are drawn back, and the principal feature next to those dreadful eyes is the teeth -- the fearful looking teeth projecting like those of some wild animal, hideously, glaringly white, and fang-like. [...] The glance of a serpent could not have produced a greater effect upon her than did the fixed gaze of those awful, metallic-looking eyes that were bent down on her face.

CHAPTER NOW:

"Are you unwell, sir?" said Sir Francis Varney, in soft, mellow accents, as he handed a chair to the bewildered Henry. "God of Heaven!" said Henry; "how like!" "You seem surprised, sir. Have you ever seen me before?"

I love this chapter so much. So much. The absolute balls on this guy. Bear with me for a moment:

As harrowing as The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is (I'm not going to mention anything graphic), there is exactly one thing I took away from the 2011 David Fincher adaptation, and it is this: the horrible torturey killer says to the hero, while they are quietly staring at each other in the killer's kitchen, both knowing that the killer is the killer,

Let me ask you something. Why don't people trust their instincts? They sense something is wrong, someone is walking too close behind them... You knew something was wrong but you came back into the house. Did I force you, did I drag you in? No. All I had to do was offer you a drink. It's hard to believe that the fear of offending can be stronger than the fear of pain. But you know what? It is.

The realness of this statement just blew my fucking mind when I first saw this movie, because I am extremely that over-polite person, but horror/suspense so rarely comes out and just says, pay attention to the danger, the harm, that you are inflicting on yourself. I don't mean in a victim-blaming way; I mean, artistically acknowledging the horror of watching yourself act in ways you know you don't want to act, because the machinery of politeness seems that much more important. You are just as much caught in society's jaws as you are in the monster's.

And what's so incredible about this moment in the movie is that it's not us sitting in the audience screaming at Daniel Craig to NOTICE!! that the killer is behind him. No, he's perfectly aware. He followed him in. With the exact same stomach-twisting reluctance I have personally felt before, and maybe you have too, he feels like he has to be polite on the off chance that somehow, he might be wrong about this guy. It's the horror of the way "good manners" make you gaslight yourself.

I used to point out that People in Dracula Don't Know They're in Dracula, particularly regarding the early Jonathan Harker chapters—his behavior seems oddly complacent if you think he ought to realize he's in a horror movie. Of course he doesn't—the name "Dracula" means nothing to him; it doesn't sound weird or scary. Who, in a modern age of timetables and trains, could possibly believe that some guy would be a vampire? We are rational people these days, we are logical, we know better than that.

What if you did know you were in Dracula?

What if you knew a vampire was handing you a drink but you felt like you had to be polite?

"God of Heaven!" said Henry; "how like!" "You seem surprised, sir. Have you ever seen me before?" Sir Francis drew himself up to his full height, and cast a strange glance upon Henry, whose eyes were rivetted upon his face, as if with a species of fascination which he could not resist. "Marchdale," Henry gasped; "Marchdale, my friend, Marchdale. I -- I am surely mad." "Hush! be calm," whispered Marchdale. "Calm -- calm -- can you not see? Marchdale, is this a dream? Look -- look -- oh! look." "For God's sake, Henry, compose yourself."

Henry is melting the fuck down, and Varney is just standing there like, "What." "You're a vampyre!!!" "No." And there's Marchdale like, "Henry, you can't just ask people why they're vampyres."

Henry sunk into the chair which was near him, and he trembled violently. The rush of painful thoughts and conjectures that came through his mind was enough to make any one tremble. "Is this the vampyre?" was the horrible question that seemed impressed upon his very brain, in letters of flame. "Is this the vampyre?" "Are you better, sir?" said Sir Francis Varney, in his bland, musical voice. "Shall I order refreshment for you?"

"All I had to do was offer you a drink."

"No no," gasped Henry; "for the love of truth tell me! Is is your name really Varney?"

Sir Francis Varney avers that it truly is his name, and not Runnagate "Oh, Why Not" Marmaduke von Spookyportrait Bannerworth I, with such pride that I went and looked up if "Varney" has any special historical background. It, uh, doesn't. Per ancestry.com, it means "from the alder grove":

English: of Norman origin a habitational name from a French place called Vernay probably chiefly Saint-Paul-du-Vernay (Calvados). The placename comes from a derivative of Gaulish verno- ‘alder’ + the locative suffix -acum.

File that away in case alders or Norman apple brandy come up later, I guess. Meanwhile, Henry is saying straight to Varney's face, "I can't stand the sight of you because something really terrible just happened to my family. Something keeps happening. SOMEONE."

"A vampyre, I have heard," said Sir Francis Varney, with a bland, and almost beautiful smile, which displayed his white, glistening teeth to perfection.

"Nay, Henry," whispered Mr. Marchdale, "it is scarcely civil to tell Sir Francis to his face, that he resembles a vampyre."

"[You] so much resemble the vampyre," added Henry, "that that I know not what to think."

"Is it possible?" said Varney. "It is a damning fact." "Well, it's unfortunate for me, I presume?"

This fucking guy, I love it. But then Varney winces with pain: he apparently hurt his arm at... some point in time, because... reasons.

"A hurt?" said Henry. "Yes, Mr. Bannerworth." "A -- a wound?"

How did u come by that tho

"Oh, yes. A slight fall."

Over a wall, several times, maybe? Or one of the three times we shot you?

"We never know a moment when, from some most trifling cause, we may receive some serious bodily hurt. How true it is, Mr. Bannerworth, that in the midst of life we are in death." "And equally true, perhaps," said Henry, "that in the midst of death there may be found a horrible life."

I'm impressed that Rymer does not inflate the word count with a long staring contest, because they're absolutely having one right now.

"Well, I should not wonder. There are really so many strange things in this world, that I have left off wondering at anything now."

I love that I can thoroughly picture every single expression and intonation that's got to be happening. Obviously I do not love Francis Varney as a person, but he just emerges as this slippery, deadpan, fully-formed antagonist. And what makes it even better is if you imagine it's this guy who keeps flopping off a wall, over and over.

But what about Bannerworth Hall, isn't that why we're here? Well, Sir Francis wishes to buy it. Oh, are you attached to it, asks Henry, as if from LONG AGO? LIKE REALLY LONG AGO? Oh, not too long, Varney says coolly, but the Hall seems pretty chill. And "amazingly well wooded, which, to one of rather a romantic temperament like myself, is always an additional charm to a place." Henry informs him that he (Henry) was born there, and his ANCESTORS have lived there for CENTURIES. But the Hall has crumbled a bit over the last hundred years—hey, I bet you HATE being a VAMPYRE, HUH?

"No doubt it has. A hundred years is a tolerable long space of time, you know" [said Varney]. "It is, indeed. Oh, how any human life which is spun out to such an extent, must lose its charms, by losing all its fondest and dearest associations." "Ah, how true," said Sir Francis Varney.

The servant then returns with "wine and refreshments." In the middle of trying to google why vampires started not liking wine at some point, I discovered a Medium article explaining that vampire dot com is somehow not a White Wolf site but rather a winery, and they tried to sue FUCKING APPLEBEES over a $1 "vampire cocktail" on COPYRIGHT GROUNDS. Can you fucking imagine. "Vampire Wines has rights to 'vampire' and 'Dracula' wine branding." Get the fuck out of here. No you see legally they can reserve a generic term hundreds of years old in a wine context and—well they should feel bad about it, then. Also, "the company has filed similar suits against Taco Bell for its vampire-themed burrito," which is certainly a combination of words I've never heard before.

I want to note that this Medium article on vampire alcohol nuisance lawsuits also takes the time to say, "Vampires even made their way into popular literature through penny dreadful series like Varney the Vampire, a pulp fiction serial produced so hastily that new stories would often contradict previous Varney episodes." So I'm not imagining it, then! Wheeeee.

This episode actually ends abruptly on the appearance of noms, so we do not find out at this time whether Varney drinks............ wine or not. That's where we'll pick up next time.

Varney the Vampire masterpost

#vampires #varney the vampire #vampire studies #people in dracula don't know they're in dracula #vampire alcohol #vampire burrito #the girl with the dragon tattoo (not graphic)#mark of the vampire #horror tropes #long post

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chuplayswithfire · 2 years

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Since we're talking about the assumptions on illiterate Ed. I just feel the need to point out that this conversation shouldn't leave behind the important point that there is nothing wrong with being illiterate. That it doesn't make you stupid or brute or ignorant, and in fact there's a deep richness to it! And this should particularly be kept in mind when we are talking about an Indigenous character, since many Indigenous languages didn't have a written form before colonization - including Te Reo, the language of the māori. And - at least in Brasil, where I'm from - many Indigenous activists actually think that written language is an imposition of colonization, and that not having written language is one of the ways in which Indigenous memory is stronger (obviously, not all, because Indigenous cultures are different, separate and diverse. But the ones that do need to be listened to)

An example is the words of Davi Kopenawa Yanomami (translated by me): "Our thoughts expand in every direction and our words are old and many. They come from our ancestors. However, unlike the whites, we don't need to put them in skins of images to keep them from escaping our minds. We don't have to draw the words, like they do with theirs. And that doesn't mean the words will disappear, because our memory is long and strong. [...] The white thought is different. Their memory is complex, but it's weaved in foggy, obscure words. [...] They just relentlessly stare at the paper skins where they drew their own words. If they don't follow its pattern, their thought gets lost. They fill themselves with forgetfulness and become deeply ignorant. Our ancestors didn't have skins of images and didnt use them to write their laws. Their only words were the ones that left their mouths and they didn't draw them, and thus the words didn't distance themselves from them"

So, yeah. Also, even outside of this framework, there are still a lot of illiterate people in the world, especially in the third world, because access to education is still limited because of ongoing imperialism. Also some people with learning or intellectual disabilities, as well as some Deaf people, particularly those who didn't have access to quality education since learning to write when you don't know the sounds the letters are supposed to represent is hard. And these people aren't brutish or stupid or ignorant either, they're just underprivileged. And their words and knowledge aren't less valuable because they aren't in writing

I'm not saying I disagree with your take that most people's assumptions and headcanons about Ed being illiterate are racist, but I think that in order to dismantle this racist framework for real, we need to challenge the deeply colonialist idea that being illiterate is a bad or sad thing in the first place

This is not at you, chu, because I love your blog and think everything you say is very important. I just felt the need to make that... Contribution, if that makes sense

No, this is actually a GREAT point. Because you're very right! As someone literate, who was raised with literacy as the expectation, I do bring my own baggage into the thought, and framing illiteracy as bad is an inherent imposition on cultures where writing isn't practiced or traditional. your contribution is VERY valued!

i am always learning, just as much as everyone else is, and this is something i'm definitely going to keep contemplating.

#literacy #colonization #ofmd meta #ofmd #edward teach #asked and answered

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cherryblossom-chopper · 2 years

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hi livvvvv i enjoy your blog so much and been wanting to request for so long :~) and since your inbox is open :00 here it is ! THANK YOU FOR PICKING THIS IF YOU DID <3 I REALLY HOPE YOU ENJOY WRITING THIS

can i ask for how roger, whitebeard, shanks & kid (father figure) react to their younger (she/her) crewmate who always check that the others are always mentally and physically okay even tho she's falling apart (then they found her sitting deep thoughts at the side walk, she stands up and clenches their top clothing "captain. i'm in so much pain right now.") angst, comfort and slight crack pls

This was cute and I hurt my own feelings

Gol D. Rodger The Fool

-Rodger would immediately go into fight or flight mode. He is a man who doesn’t always no what to do with grief. Sure he’s experienced it but he always dealt with the bad feelings via punching or drinking. So coming across someone he views as a daughter or younger sister, Rodger struggles with finding a good response.

-What he settles upon is trying to cheer her up. Rodger stiffly asks (Name) what’s wrong, hastily adding some kind of pet name to the end. Rodger listens to her explanation before quickly pulling her from her cot.

-He attempts to cheer her up with his terrible jokes and silly antics. Rodger will haul her upstairs saying things like “Time for sunshine for our sunshine” or “You’re going to get wrinkles from all that pouting”

-Rodger sees little sense in crying or sadness when there’s so much life to live and given his own life circumstances, he will insist on (Name) having fun each day.

Whitebeard The Pillar

-Newgate is an old man, one who has seen and lost much. So finding his daughter clutching her silk pillow to her chest is not a new experience for him. That doesn’t make it any easier. No matter how many times he hears the stifled sobs from his children part of his heart breaks. Yet something about seeing (Name) crumbling in front of his eyes, left a deep ache in his chest. He won’t say anything specific, but he will sit beside her.

-As her father, adopted he may be, Newgate is the pillar of strength for (Name) as long as it takes. They may not exchange words at all but neither needs to. Maybe a little “thanks” or “sorry” from (Name) when he offers her a tissue. Newgate only replies with a deep rumbling “mhm”. He finds that his words would only further crack the tenses in the air.

-Upon his leave, Newgates gives (Name) a “gentle” pat on the back. (As gentle as Newgate can physically be). He may not give some soul inspiring pep talk but he doesn’t need to. Newgate, as a father, will always be there no matter what.

Shanks The Stoic

Shanks is surprisingly soft spoken about heart ache. He cares deeply for (Name), but he’s unsure of what to say when she breaks down in front of him. He’ll collect (Name) into his arms and hug her tight. Shanks will offer a few “Hey don’t cry,” phrases but what is there to say?

-He knows exactly why she’s clutching onto him so tight and what she’s done to herself. Shanks can’t say much in the long run, though. So when there’s not much to say, all he can do is hold (Name).

-Perhaps he’s unsure of what do because he was rarely comforted in his own moments of great grief. He does remember how badly he needed to be hugged though. So that’s what he does. He becomes the anchor for those who need him most.

Kidd The Guardian

-Kidd will automatically go into fight mode in all situations so when he stumbles on upon (Name) actually crying, he’s also upset.

-“Who fucking touched you?” He’ll ask but it sounds more like a command. Kidd will become a puffed up cat in his rage. He’s so angry because whoever laid a hand on someone he views as family must have said or done something awful to make (Name) cry.

-Upon finding out that (Name) is under so much stress and pain from herself, Kidd calms down a bit. Then he does something unusual. Kidd declares a self care night.

-If the crew can manage it, all projects are put on hold. He insists on dropping anchor in calm seas and taking one singular night for themselves. So in a very unlike Kidd fashion the crew lounges around giving each other manicures and skin care treatments. It’s lots of blanket forts and unhealthy snacks.

-Normally something so soft would never been witnessed beside Kidd and Killer but perhaps, just this once, Kidd can spare the embarrassment.

#cherryblossom chopper #one piece #dads #whitebeard #gold d Rodger #Eustass kid #shanks

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faeiapalette · 1 year

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I rarely ever send asks to blogs but I noticed the absolutely shitstorm taking place in your inbox from my OC blog and I'm so confused??? Like why did it escalate to such a heated discussion?? I actually fully agree with you that Ayato's LE route is anything but bad. It was one of my favorites amongst the S boy routes and while I did feel bad for him, I don't think the 'they don't deserve it' argument is valid for any of the DL boys. They've all done horrible things to Yui/the MC so they can't complain about karma biting them in the ass at one point or another. Also this whole 'which boy is the main one/Yui's canon S/O' is so silly imo. (and mind you, I'm a big AyaYui shipper myself) After translating over half of all the games' content, I can confidently say that Rejet is not that serious about the plot of DL and will defy or contradict their previously established lore literally ALL THE TIME. So why can't we - as a fandom - also be a little more chill and laidback about it and enjoy our own interpretations of the story instead of trying to prove other people's opinions wrong? ^^;; In the end, it's just fiction and there's no real right or wrong. Also big disagree on you not being able to voice your dislike for Ayato because he's generally loved by the fandom. :/ So it's okay to bash Cordelia or Karl because most fans agree that they're shitty people, but you can't speak ill of one of the main boys? Oh boy I better go hide now because I've lost count of how many times I've called Kanato a nasty purple gremlin.

I'm a Subaru stan but if I see someone insult Subaru, I don't get upset. I realize he has his flaws too and he won't be everyone's cup of tea. That's totally fine like go and call him a sad piece of emo trash for all I care. He might be my oshi, but in the end he's also just a bunch of pixels on a screen lol.

(😳 wait can i say “senpai noticed me”? Although i’m not too fond of this kind of “notice” and i don’t think it’s something i should be proud of it either, but still 🥹🤣💀🙈💗

Also… i deeply apologize for this massive tornado of… whatever it is 😭)

And 😭💦 I have no problem with Ayato tho? It started when i start wondering why the reasons i heard didn’t came from the inside of Ayato’s route (instead, as you can see, people compare his route to the other S boys’ routes, aka the external. Oh and actually an anon told me that problems lie in bad writing and horrible ending, that’s the first one for me. 🙌) So i just started analyzing things using internal infos in his route and speak it up in the form of an opinion. 🤔 Then people misunderstand what i said and see it as “i’m attacking Ayato”, and all of this happened. So… Thank you, but i’ll pass that 1st sentence in the 2nd paragraph to any other person who couldn’t say “i hate this character” in this fandom. 🥺💗 Sigh…. I do wish people can be chill and understanding like you and some people i know as well. Realizing all of this things isn’t that hard. 😔

#Diabolik lovers #Ask #😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

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inukag · 2 years

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I'm not an Inukag shipper but I personally don't really see InuKik as a relationship that would've worked out long term. Even without inuyasha meeting kagome or Naraku, there were trust issues at hand and kikyo wanted inuyasha to give up being a half demon, something that's very important to his identity. There's also the fact that Inuyasha destroyed the village, which was disproportionate even if Kikyo was manipulated into attacking him. Kikyo hurting him after her revival cements my opinion.

I think it's interesting that you don't ship inukag but still follow me! At least I think you do since you saw my other asks, lol. I hope you have a good time on my blog despite the overwhelming amount of inukag 😂

But yeah I just can't imagine a scenario where inu/kik would work either. Even if you change the way the shikon jewel works and you imagine a scenario where Inuyasha did become human and the jewel was purified, I think Inuyasha would deeply regret his decision and resent Kikyo for making him change himself. At some point Sesshomaru would show up looking for Tessaiga and Inuyasha would lose his eye permanently and learn that he can't use the sword that his dad made just for him because he decided to forsake his yokai blood. Also like you said, there are trust issues in their relationship. Inuyasha learned to trust Kagome because she cried for him and showed him that she genuinely cares about him, his life and his well-being, which Kikyo never did not even post-resurrection after she was back to "normal". That's one of my main issue about their relationship too, I do believe Inuyasha loved Kikyo but I don't believe he felt loved and cherished by her the way he does with Kagome. In general I think Kikyo loved the idea of being a normal woman and being loved by someone more than she loved Inuyasha himself. If she did love him we would have seen her take back the claim she made on his life and instead encourage him to live and be happy with Kagome, which she never did.

And if you remove both the shikon jewel and Naraku, I don't think Kikyo would have paid any attention to him. She outright said that the only reason she hadn't killed him is because she sees herself in him, so if she wasn't the guardian of the shikon jewel she would have nothing in common with him at all. I think it's a common misconception in this fandom that Kikyo's position as a miko is what makes her lonely, but it's not. She explicitly said she will be a normal woman if the jewel is purified. She dislikes having to fight demons who are constantly trying to take the jewel from her, she doesn't seem to dislike normal miko duty like helping people in need. Also being a miko doesn't stop Kaede from accepting yokai into her home, and it doesn't stop Kagome from marrying Inuyasha, so it's definitely not what stopped Kikyo from being with him.

You bring up an interesting point about Inuyasha attacking the village, it's funny how no one in the series ever brings that up, lol. You would think Kaede would be mad at him since it seems like she lost her eye in that event (in the manga at least, I know anime filler said something different). Or the older villagers who were there would remember. Anyway, even if you imagine Kikyo being resurrected properly and Inuyasha picking her over Kagome, I STILL think Inuyasha would regret his decision and would not be able to forget Kagome. But that's obviously completely up to interpretation and personal opinion. I don't think Inuyasha is as devoted to Kikyo as people make him out to be, I think he did what was necessary for someone he loved who was murdered and brought back to life, but if he truly loved her as much as the fandom says he does, he wouldn't be spending 99% of his time with Kagome while Kikyo is alone, sad and at risk of getting killed by her murderer again. And she did get killed by Naraku again... twice... after Inuyasha told her he wouldn't let that happen.

#ask #Anon #inukik-critical #also forgot to address the 'without meeting kagome' part #but my answer is already long enough lol #if somehow kikyo was resurrected and she unsealed inuyasha #i think it goes back to me feeling like kikyo doesn't really love HIM

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waitingformysandman · 1 year

Text

Better Than Nothing

Chapter 3

Warnings: Attempted Suicide, Sad Wet Cat Morpheus, All the Angst

"What about the Queen Matthew?" Morpheus asked pointedly.

"Well, she uh, she...the bathroom..."

"MATTHEW! TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON."

Matthew jumped. To be fair his babbling had started to piss off Morpheus. Morpheus needed to know what was going on and Matthew just couldn't seem to spit out the words. But how could you tell your King that his wife, the Queen, might have just tried to kill herself. That he lost his child and he might now lose you.

"Bathroom! She was in the bathroom and just collapsed!" Matthew barely got everything out before Morpheus gave him a murderous glare and disappeared to where the raven had said the Queen was.

You felt yourself being lifted from the hard, cold floor. You nuzzled deeper into the warmth that surrounded you now at all angles. It was a nice change from the icy floor.

Begrudgingly, you opened your eyes to see what was happening. The first thing you saw was Morpheus' shirt covered chest. Which was slightly disappointing to you. His chiseled chest was one of your most favorite things about him. While you were lightheaded quickly losing blood anyway.

The thoughts of his beautiful chest kept you from thinking of the pain in the back of your head and the blood pouring from the side of your head where you had hit the bathroom counter after passing out from blood loss from everywhere you had cut yourself. Wrists, throat, and thighs. You wanted to die. You needed to make sure it would happen.

Suddenly the warmth was gone and you were cold again. You couldn't feel your toes or fingers. Your breathing was labored and you looked up to him looming over you with tears in his eyes. He placed his hand on your cheek and you leaned into it even though you couldn't feel it.

"Morpheus," You whispered, trying to keep your voice steady, "let me go. I can't stay. I stayed for her. Let me go. Don't make me stay."

He wished he could honor your wishes, but he couldn't. He couldn't live without you. He'd never be able to. He'd never move on.

"No."

The word felt odd on his tongue. He'd never used it with you before. He gave you everything you wanted and everything you could ever imagine. He never thought he'd need to tell you no. He also never thought he'd find you after attempting suicide.

He kicked off his shoes and coat then joined you in the bed. He wrapped his arms around you and you snuggled deeply into his chest and begged him to let you go.

"Please, My Love. Please."

He ran his hands up your body and through your hair healing all your wounds in the process.

"I'm sorry. I know you are hurting. I am too. I know my pain is different than yours, but despite how hard this is we can do this. We will make it. YOU will make it. Now rest."

And rest you did.

@igotanidea

@vellichor01

@immultifandom16

@intothesoul

@itskindofidontknow

@sandman-33

@pancake2603

@mr-sandman-bring-me-a-dream

@violet-19999

@pinksirensong

@bisexualunicronrunningloose

@eraalice01

@glambbirdy-blog

@dream-a-lil-dream-of-me

@1950schick

@emy635

#lord morpheus #morpheus #sandman netflix #sandman x you #the sandman 2022 #stuck in a fishbowl #angst #suicide #mental heath awareness #struggle #mental struggle #unalive #i want to die #a matter of life and death #infant death #self harm

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gryphis-eyes · 2 years

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Hi! I just read one ask you posted and I am curious about one thing. I never, ever, even remotely truly understood what people mean by "twin flame" when I read about it in new age stuff.

Also they are still using twin flame related stuff while we all know where it come from etc but "no I don't mean any harm while talking about it, I'm not talking about the evil twin flame" no no there is only one twin flame concept and if you want an other term there is simply "soulmate" even if this term got lost in a lot of false belief.

Could you please elaborate on what you mean by this original twin flame concept or tell me to what it is affiliated so I can research about it? I would really like to understand this whole thing, I don't know where it comes from. Thank you!

Hello, I love your blog aesthetic

You say you have trouble to understand that concept and it's fully normal, first if you try to do research you'll only fall on article from new age blogs etc and the funniest is if you search "twin flame origin" because those mad guys litterary take the origin and definition of soulmate. I haven't done this research since my begining and damn it was hard to find links to put here.

Before I explain what it is and where the wrong stuff is I'd like to remind something. Sadly spirituality is "a place" full of scammer we know this since the dawn of time. People often turn to spirituality in their last resort (not always of course I'm talking about majority) of course scammer got specific target : desperate people and the ones who don't know that much, people who are easy to trap. What are the bait ? Two simple subject ; Money and Love. I feel like back in time money was the main source of scam but now oh boy Love, love is now the biggest bait

What is a soulmate ?

Actually the term ”soulmate” comes from an author but it’s the most knew term based on the greek story of human’s origin, it is said that back in time humans had 4 legs, 4 arms, 2 heads and 2 heart (im not sure for the heart) but one day the gods separated humans into 2 beings. ” αδελφή ψυχ” mean other half it isn’t to define an actual person, it’s like an expression, it is used when you found someone who you love deeply it is like saying ”you are mine and I am yours”. So in the end ”finding your soulmate” = meeting someone you truly bound with, that you deeply love and trust. Soulmate ≠ someone over here is meant for you. Some people say soulmate can be about platonic love but the greek ”other half” is purely about romantic love. So to be clear in order to explain to you the twin flame stuff i’ll use the term ”soulmate” as romantic love like it’s origin

OK so now imagine you’re someone who’s very lonely and you really want to meet love,you’re almost desesperate then someone come to you and tell you ”hey, did you know that there is something stronger than a soulmate ? It’s called a twin flame it’s your other half and you have to go through a whole journey in order to find them !” (im using neutral pronounce but this concept is deep into cis heterosexuality) who is your twin flame ? It’s someone from the opposite sex who is meant to complete you, once you’ll find them you’ll find yourself !

How do you know someone is your twin flame ?

You don’t know it you feel it, you feel deep love toward someone so what to do ? It’s time to tell the- they say no ? Oh don’t worry love it’s normal ! Remember twin flame are stronger than soulmates they are a challenging relationship!! (Congratulation you’re now a chaser)

You’re in a relationship and it’s very difficult and challenging but you love them ? Keep going it’s your other half ! They horrible to you ? They are wounded and you need to heal them remember you are nothing without them ! Are they still toxic ? You might not put enough effort in this relationship. You broke up ? Don’t worry twin flames always need to separate each other in some way it is a big sign that this person is your twin flame have faith ! Oh you're sad it’s normal you just lose your twin flame, your soul miss its other part. They won’t come back but you found someone else ? Don’t worry it’s how twin flame works the first one was a test from the univers now you found the true one !

Here I gave an exagerate scenario that (sadly) probably was the reality of a lot of people. Twin flames originate from Shaleia and Jeff Ayan your classic white couplé who build up a ”spiritual/therapeutic” way for people to find true love, how cute two healer full of good intention (no). You got it twin flame is made for people to keep call upon spiritual scammer people to ask help again and again, to pay 40$ (or more or less) to get a love reading about their twin flame thousand of time. Here I gave the exemple of a chaser but this concept is made to create stalker, for people to be stuck into very toxic relationship there are many story online about people’s ”crazy ex who said I was their twin flame” or how people stayed with a narcissic dude just because ”it was their twin flame”. This concept is made to make you feel miserable and not complete in order to play with your insecurities. No matter how and when you use this term, it is giving those crazy scammer and their victimes stronger.

Here are some link to check, be careful when searching online because there are a majority of ”self care” website who drowned article who talk about the truth. Sadly back in time I saw a post on tumblr explaining everything from a to z but can’t find it so I hope those one will be enough for you

Everywhere I Went, They Went With Me, Because They Were on My Phone”: Inside the Always Online, All-Consuming World of Twin Flames Universe

@windvexer’s take on that

Inside the Toxic World of 'Twin Flames' Spirituality

I’d like to say one last thing, remember cults and cult movement aren’t vilain from movies, you won’t see them come in the horizon with big evil music they won’t have an evil laugh with thunder in the background. They are sneaky shit, scammer, they got strategies, they get under your skin, they search your weak spot and use them to end up calling that coincidence, they will act like your friend, like someone who just want you to be happy, only if you follow their words.

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theshoesofatiredman · 2 years

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im deconstructing my faith rn and your blog is kinda comforting in a way...? because i can relate to you a lot in some ways. im not even actively deconstructing my faith, im just so burnt out by the constant self-hatred (bc self love isnt allowed) and feeling like everything i enjoy is inherently a #sin. feel free to reply or not, i just wanna thank you for your account because right now i just feel so lost and tired and burnt out n

Oh my god! Thank you for your message! It is kind of sad but your ask made me realize that I've been conceptualizing the people who follow me as being like "damn yeah I'm experiencing that too and it sucks" and like when I see people follow me I'm like holy shit the suffering. Comfort? Not on my radar even though I myself take comfort from other people sharing their stories. SO thank you for your kind words and for reorienting my views.

Truly and deeply you are not alone in your experience. Your feelings are valid and the experiences that have caused them are real and they are harmful. I know I don't know you but I say that cause the amount of times I wish someone in my life had said that to me is high so now I want to hand out "your feelings are valid" like free warm chocolate chip cookies. Everyone deserves a taste even if it's not going to be filling from a stranger.

I am about to monologue now because omg everything you desire feeling like a sin is often a feature, not a bug, of religious traditions. There's this insidious combination of teachings in my former faith tradition that I am convinced absolutely fucked me up:

Self love is a sin

Being gay is a sin

The highest form of love is sacrificial in nature to the point where you would die for someone else

The good things you do and are belong to God. The bad things are your flesh

You must take every thought and desire captive and sift for holiness

These things are a recipe for self hatred. Even one of these things on their can do significant damage to your self-concept and being able to take care of yourself. Combined and you are left mired in a hatred for your thoughts, affections, interests, and desires. Who you are is someone you have to put on the altar and sacrifice to God.

Because in fundamentalist evangelicalism, you are already good at self love. Self love, aka selfishness to the puritanical, is the default state. You don't have to he taught how to do it. You have to be taught not to. So they spend all this time and energy and theological pontification on how to not love yourself, on how to effectively shrink yourself down until the self is just a quiet whisper, until who you are is just a box filled with all the things they've told you to hate.

People who've been subjected to that then have to learn how to love themselves, how to understand and accept their own desires, because it was beaten out of them. It is so mind boggling to me to see other people just wanting things and going for them. It can be extremely difficult for me to even figure out what it is I want, let alone have the courage and tenacity to realize those desires. Other people have to give me permission to want things and it is so fucking annoying, for them and me.

For example, my boyfriend will be genuinely trying to give me what I want. He wants to take me to the restaurant I want to go to. He wants to do activities during the day that I want to do. And it is so hard for me to even be able to like... just give him that list of "here's what I want to do; this is my perfect exciting day" because I spent so much of my life trying to empty myself of all desires except for God because everything else was sinful and dangerous.

I believe that it is possible to heal from this. I also believe I am still healing from this. Therapy has been really helpful but also having a partner who genuinely wants me to want things and then give them to me has also been a profound experience. I am lucky in that regard.

Something that's been really powerful for me is the experience of, now after having deconstructed my faith, no longer feeling shame over things I used to feel shame for. This largely has to do with my sexuality. But I used to think that there were things that the shame feeling was deeply inherent to them because they were sinful and sin brought shame. It was a law of nature. TURNS OUT, it ISN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL. The shame was in my head. It was how I was taught to think that brought the shame and guilt and self loathing. It is ironic that the biblical worldview that espoused "in Christ there is no shame" guaranteed I would be filled with it.

Another thing I have found helpful is asking the question -- who benefits from your suffering? For a long time the answer was God and therefore me as a result because of my belief in his inherent goodness. It was a God's glory from my suffering will bring about my good. But that eventually started seeming pretty messed up. Why would an all loving being want me to suffer? And where was the good I was promised? Now as of 2022 I don't believe the god that was being glorified ever existed. So the answer to the question of who benefits from the suffering that comes from my self hatred, my sacrifice, my denying of myself... it's no one. And even if it was still god, any god that benefits from your suffering is a god that should be distrusted -- full stop.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I'm glad my account could be a comfort to you. It's okay to not be active in your deconstruction. It takes so much work to take apart your worldview and sometimes that requires breaks. Life is busy and exhausting and fundamentally changing the way you see everything is a tremendous undertaking. I hope the days ahead and the people in them are kind to you and you are able to recharge. Much love to you and thanks again for your message.

#exvangelical #ex christian #deconstruction #ex fundie #ex fundamentalist #self love #self hatred #ex religious #apostate

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mindajane-blog · 8 days

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This blog post is coming from where I am now. I'm healing.

Healing takes time- longer than I would like. I can feel it these last few months and in healing, I am growing. It is uncomfortable.

In pain, I was closed off and stunted from growth by the walls I put up to protect myself.

I'm learning to trust again. I became untrusting and leery twenty years ago. My fear of people grew. I had reason to fear people at fourteen years old in church. I lost my church friends at a hard time in childhood, basically all my friends since my sister and I were homeschooled. We'd moved from our childhood home, lost a grandparent, and i developed a disorder called trichotillomania (hair pulling). Then, the girl friends i'd made in childhood at church stopped being my friends once we hit youth group. I will say exactly the situations that happened at youth. When my sister and I would join peers in a row, they would get up and leave the row, and if we sat in an empty row they wouldn't join us. We switched youth groups to one at another local church for the rest of highschool.

The fear of people and mistrust had taken root, though. I learned recently that's a root of rejection. I was stuck watching my life through those lenses for too many years. I never truly forgave. I was hurt and afraid, so afraid, especially in church. I KNEW without a shadow of doubt that God is was real. God is love. I also was wrestling and wrestling.

It was a lot. Life was a lot to carry. I can't go back, but if I could I would tell younger me to trust people again, love with all your heart, forgive fully. Yes, some people might hurt you really bad, BUT living afraid and hurt and feeling alone is VERY crappy and isolating. In fact, that life is worse than the life you could have if you move past fear and hurt into forgiveness and into love.

I know this is true, because it's my experience. I'm still sometimes scared now, but I see it is already worthwhile.

Jesus LOVES and Jesus forgives. He died to forgive all sins, my sins and yours, everyone's. I don't need to carry any hurt and offenses at all, I can feel them and forgive, give them to Jesus any time they cross my heart or mind.

I feel His love so deeply. I rebelled in my twenties and sinned in ways I knew were sinning. I thought it didn't matter so much because really I was so closed off and feeling so separate from Christian community. I thought that I would be happier just doing as I pleased. I liked things I did, but I wasn't happier. I loved people as much as I always had, because that doesn't change. I did really love and care about all the friends and family I had and have when I was hurting. I just was loving in my closed off ways.

I'm going to go on a small tangent here. If you aren't a Jesus follower you aren't expected to feel some type of way about sinning in your conscience... I'm not expecting you to live to the Bible or to Christian "standards" or "rules" and I'm not judging you. You're free to choose to live as you like.

Anyhow, back to what I was saying... I didn't feel free when i was sinning. I felt sad. There was loneliness and shame. I was more alone than before. I wanted to belong and doing things I wanted had felt freeing initially, but they weren't.

Last year changed me. Losing my Grandma changed me. Becoming so depressed last spring and summer changed me. I had to be totally broken to see that I was broken.

I had to leave my home church where I felt lifebound to by deep loyalty. I was dedicated there as a baby and I take loyalty to things far too seriously, haha, I'm not a minimilist, so you know that loyalty overflows into most aspects of my life, but I digress. Changing churches helped me finally really see the metaphorical glasses i'd been wearing and looking through for so long!

Glasses make things bigger, so those rejection glasses I'd had on just magnified slights, perceived or real, for YEARS. That is SO bad, I know it is.

I do want to say this, I'm really sorry to all I judged, mistrusted, and pushed away.

I forgive anyone who did hurt me back in youth years.

I'm not carrying those anymore. Jesus took both of our hurts and hurting to the cross.

I learned also that I'm free, so much more free and have so much more joy and love within me when I obey Jesus. He gives eternal life. He loves me! Living for Him is freer and fuller life than I ever was living for my flesh wants and desires.

Psalm 121 A Song of Ascents. 121 I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? 2 My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. 3 He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. 4 Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. 5 The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. 6 The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. 7 The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. 8 The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.

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mistressmooncake · 1 month

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Wow it's been a while. Over a year. So much changed.

I ended up in a monogamous relationship with the last boy. I loved him deeply. He has some pretty severe epilepsy. We tried to move out together. Lasted 3 weeks. A medicsl conditikn he has worsened and he had to return to family. We've broken up... it's been brutal... there's a lot more to it and he has had to go back to his grandparents. A relationship isn't very feasible. But it still hurts a lot... I miss him very much. I know many in my life are shitty and angry about it. But there's so much he can't control. I didn't care he was disabled. I loved him... I still do. His sister thinks it will all come around. I guess we'll see. I am not exactly looking.

He's angry. He lost his home. He has gone back to family but has no autonomy. I went home to mom but that was where I was before. I think it's easier to be mad at me for things too. His pride is destroyed. He can't move an hour from family. I think he's realised the extent of his disability.

I was sad and got some dating apps and tried for a couple Fridays, a week apart. The options out there are just... dismal. Just.. my god... It's disheartening, but then I remind myself I'm really not going to find someone on an app. It's just not genuine to me. I find it too hard to connect. Being demi, I need SOME rapport. I'm too old for this ho shit.

Feeling down, I ended up seeing one of the boys I originally began blogging here about my first bb boy. The young one I'd go on drives with. He lost his licence but came when called and paid rideshare. It's not the start of something big again, but it was so nice. We chatted, he cuddled me and kissed my forehead and cheeks while playing with my pussy. He was more aggressive with biting, I liked it. His body is so tight, he's still magnificent and his cum still takes like fucking honey. He fucked me after and he openly took more dominance pushing my head down and grabbing my hair while fucking me from behind. He hasnt much stamina but he's so fun and sexy. Hes also just amazing to talk to.

He said he hasn't had anyone since me in 2021, which i was floored about. He's certainly not unattractive but a bit aloof, and I know he wouldn't pick up on girls trying to flirt. He doesn't care. Originally, i had to be near explicit with my intentions. I tried to see him last weekend but he was busy and that's OK. The fact he has been responsive is really nice. He may be a bit here and there, but he's honestly the kind of steadfast friend who is always kind there in the shadows. A real Taurus. He's got a good heart and I love him for it. It's better for me as he's familair, I just can't build something new right now.

Another ex, one I dated at 19. I think is interested in fucking again. He helped me move back home after my bf just left me. He's always been interested in me, and he's still hot af. There's some distance but I'm considering seeing him.

One of the main reasons I'm here, tho is just to write out about my boss... Well, he was my boss, but right now we're equal and intertwined with his position. When he was just my boss we had a good rapport. I trust him, he's funny, so damn smart which is one of my biggest turn ons. We have a lot in common and he sees many things I don't. I have great respect for him. He was always kinda oddly handsome. Being demi ace, I become more attracted to people over time.

Since backfilling this higher role and working closer with him, God damn I have become ridiculously attracted to him. But the funny thing is, I think he is attracted to me. Nothing serious has happened and I don't think anything will. He's married with 4 kids and I respect his wife she sounds amazing. Frankly I'd be their pet but I don't think his wife would be a kinkster like that. I think a situation like that could the wildest dream he didn't think was possible.

Some weird things have happened between Boss and i since i moved up. We don't see each other as often as he's not my direct boss. He's there when I'm not and vice versa. When he's my boss, he has to check in with me and see me in person. So we finally saw each other cause we were hiring and doing interviews together. At one point between interviews we were talking and I think we agreed on something. The look we gave each other was positively doe eyed. Both of us. We were very close and when we turned our faces toward each other we were probably the closest we've come.

Then something weirder happened later that day. We have disability bathroom's, they are gendered but even the male has a sanitary bin, and the women's was locked the men's was green, unlocked. I open the door and he is doing up his pants around his hips. He is thankfully mostly clothed and I don't see anything. I give a little shriek and go "OH MY GOD SORRY!!!"

And HE says casually "no it's OK you can come in".

.... what!?

I go "What!? No! Lock the door!!!"

He kinda seemed to con on and apologised I said that it was OK I was glad he was already near done.

It was embarrassing but also kinda hot. What was that? Did he accidently think I'm his wife for a second?

I've not let it make anything weird... in fact we may be closer.

He was very upset for me when my recent bf left me and the rental we had so quickly. He knew i was devastated.. he frankly took the grunt of how fucked up I was. I think he was a bit mad at how brutalised I was. Even tho my ex has issues he can't help. Today we were in a video call and my phone buzzed and i looked over at it. I sighed and said it was my ex and it wasn't important, frankly I thought he was making an issue of a non issue. Boss sorted of gave a dark look to the side and quickly mumbled "sounds about right" and continued conversation. It was oddly flattering.

I wont lie. I've been trying to gently push the boundary a little... just for fun. I don't expect anything to happen. We never get to see each other it's not like we can fuckk in the office or anything AND I am NOT ruining his amazing life with his wife and children.

A couple days ago we were talking and something came up that made him mad. He never gets mad. Never raises his voice. In fact the one time I've seen him mad and raise his voice like this was exactly one year prior to this year. He got triggered about a subordinate who has been bratty lately but I also a terrible enabler. So he starts yelling about her and her behaviour and I'm like "I know I know.." and then he rounds on me! "BUT WHY DID YOU DO X!?" I was a bit: O.O

Me: please stop yelling at me ..

Boss: No!!! Why did you do X! You know better!

Then he calmed down and rubs his forehead and says "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I yelled.. "

Me: O.O ... no it was so hot..

I caught myself and apologised, "I'm sorry you never get mad and you never raise your voice at me and that was ridiculously attractive for some reason".

Risky. I know.

But he laughed and seemed flattered.

When we video call he is always smiling warmly at me. He always listens and provides his best input.

The way he reacted to my ex leaving me, I do think he cares about me in some way.

Ngl lewd thoughts have definitely crept into my mind about him. But I don't think it'd ever be acted on. I hope he thinks about fucking me sometimes when he fucks his beautiful wife.

#lifeblogging #sex blog #relationship blog #thoughts #secret life #diary entry #tumblr diary

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anonymously-gay45 · 4 months

Text

I just finished listening to the solitaire audiobook for the first time. I'm in shock, I don't cry, but if I did, I would be crying right now. The resources and helpline numbers are playing in my ears.

I'm feeling a bit like Tori Spring lately. Feeling as though everything bad is my fault. And I don't care about anything. The only main difference is that I don't have a Micheal Holden to pull me from the edge. It's just me. I don't even have a Charlie Spring, who needs me too much for me to let go. All I have is my Oliver Spring, too young to know what's going on, but old enough to know I'm different. She's my little sister, and she needs her big brother to be here, to get out of bed, to take her to school, to the park, to play Barbies with her. (even though Barbies are a bit stupid in my opinion, and she never lets me make them gay) I believe everyone has a reason to live, but sometimes it is hard to find, my sister needs me, and my cat would miss me.

Anyway... I'm done with my ramble about my problems... Damn, this is really turning into Tori's blog about all the stupid shit in my life. Whoops.

Anyway... Solitaire is up there in my list of favorite books now. I can relate so deeply to Tori and Charlie. It's a bit sad that I relate the most to the saddest characters... I also think I relate to Michael Holden. He acts like he is happy all the time, and still doesn't have friends, he never talks about his feelings or problems, but he listens to Toris. I am most likely the three most depressing characters, shit.

I can say a lot about Solitaire, but this is more a post about me again, even though these posts get almost no attention, I don't care, this is my blog, and I will post what I want.

I found that part one chapter 12 and 13 made me very sad, I stated before that I don't cry, I can't remember the last time I cried, like actually cried. It must have been months ago, maybe when I lost all my friends... Or before that when my best friend almost died. I don't remember. Both of those things were over a year ago now, and I don't think I've really cried since, I just haven't cared enough. I fell off of my skateboard and injured my knee, I didn't even get close to crying... I just remembered the last time I cried. My mother had just found out about my SH, and I couldn't look at her, I cried that day, that was six months ago now.

Time seems to be passing too quickly, it's finals week at school, half term. It's almost Christmas again, only 9 days until Christmas Eve, so eight days until my dad's Christmas Eve. I feel sick knowing that. I don't want Christmas to happen. The big Christmas dinner, the big Christmas breakfast, the hot cocoa, the caroling, the Christmas lights that blind me, the presents, trying to figure out what to ask for on Christmas. (probably just books, and maybe a camera) I happen to hate Christmas, if you couldn't already tell, and it's in only a week, I feel sick.

p.s. I will post a solitaire update later today, I have nothing better to do today.

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submitforher · 8 months

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i was just thinking and remembered to properly reply to you now !! (sorry i don't mean to keep leaving double messages, if that might be confusing / overwhelming, it's just a special one time thing since i've been thinking of you lately)

however, i really want to say that i'm sorry if it seemed like i put my own thoughts/desires above the important things you shared with me in your last post. (or maybe i'm overthinking it...!) but your feelings and struggles are so important and i want to be there to help you through things when you're having a hard time. so i'm so sorry to hear about your situation with your dad. while i've never had a first hand up close experience with someone who is addicted to drugs, but i know how much it can destroy lives, of not only the addict but the people around them. it's so scary to witness and i want you to know that you're strong for going through it, even though you shouldn't have to. i hope you feel supported by the rest of your family and that you guys all are able to have each other at such a hard time. i really hope that your father can get help and in time heal from what is going on, although i know addiction is such a hard thing to beat down. i hope you don't ever feel alone in your sadness because there are so many people here and elsewhere (myself included <3) that will be here to help you in any way we can. please stay strong and i hope you will find an easier time soon.

and your ramblings about taking care of me and feeling nervous were so lovely and adorable too. i want to thank you all the time for every single thing you say, because i hope you understand how much even the little things stick in my mind and how much i think back on them. you're such a good boy i hope you know that.

also, i was thinking lately and i just wanted to say sorry if you ever think i'm clogging your account with all of the messages (maybe i'm overthinking it ...!) but i just noticed over time that i make a lot more general conversation than some past anons and i got nervous that maybe i say too much or you wish i'd be more straightforward / that i distract from what you might want your blog to really be.

but i hope that's not the case :') and if it ever was you can tell me !!! sorry for acting kinda weird here like i'm thinking too deeply about a lot of things. i just want you to know how much i care and how i want you to be happy. ^^

thinking of you soooo much angel.

- 🐻

my dearest bear who i adore with all of my heart, i’d put your own desires before my own myself. there’s no need to apologize for you putting your thoughts out there for me to get lost in. i’d much rather talk about your desires than my situation with my dad. drug addiction is a heavy thing to talk about, it’s not for the faint of heart. i’ve seen how it’s ruined the lives of those in my family, which is why i’d never think about taking a drug nor taking a sip of alcohol in my life. after being open about my situation with my dad, i’ve had a heart to heart conversation with him and i hope that my words get through to him. it’s hard not to feel alone because i’ve had no one else to talk to about it that’s not family but i’m not alone because i have a support system here that i’m forever grateful for.

taking care of you is first and foremost to me. that’s the submissive in me but more than that, that’s how i’m wired. if you’re ever sick when you’re with me, i’m going to take care of you because that’s who i am. fuck though. my brain shuts off whenever you tell me i’m a good boy, it’s the most heart-warming thing that i could ever be told. it’s the one thing that i seek.

it’s human for us to tend to overthink things but i assure you that i have no problem with you messaging me, even if that’s what my account has been - of nothing but my baby bear. i think though, that some of my followers would like to see more content of my own and not tons of messages but this is my blog and this is a mental escape for me, given what’s been going on in my life. there’s been a lack of content because of it but if there’s a message from my baby bear, i’m going to reply to it. it’s one of the few things in my life that i have to look forward to. you care for me like i care for you and that’s what this blog is about. thinking of you too, baby bear.

#🐻 baby bear.

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