#I'm but a person of many small talents and one big curiousity

[msmarvelouswinchester]

Stranger

I Am Sorry

Summary - Alone in your room, you try to figure out how your past life had been.

Pairing - Dean x Reader (??), Sam x Reader (platonic)

Warning - Angst, mentions of drinking, swearing and did I mention angst

Word Count - 2066

Square Filled - Bunker ( @spndeanbingo )

A/N - So I know I have been a little MIA for a over a week now and it has been a lot time since I have updated any of my series. But I finally got my motivation to continue this part and my other series so hopefully I won't abandon this series again. Regularity and me - we don't have a good relationship.

Anyways happy reading!

Unbeta'd. All mistakes are mine.

Spn divider by the talented @talesmaniac89

Series Masterlist

There were no more tears left to cry. You had spent the whole evening crying, trying to think of any possible reason as to why Dean would do such a thing, trying to bring yourself forgive him, but you couldn't. You needed to know why Dean took such a drastic measure to erase himself from your life.

Your stomach grumbled. You sat up and rubbed your face with your hands. You didn't know what time it was, but you assumed it was sometime around midnight, considering how long you had been in the bunker. You needed food in your stomach. There was a knock on your door. You hoped it was not Dean. You couldn't face him right now.

“Y/N, it's Sam,” the voice called from the other side of the door, making you sigh in relief. You got out of your bed, and walked up to the wooden door, opening it.

“Hey,” you said.

“I got you food,” Sam smiled.

“A literal angel.” You said.

“I figured you might be hungry after everything you have been through and I also got you a drink.” He gave you a knowing smile.

“Thank you. Do you want to….come in I guess,” you told him.

“If that's okay with you.”

“Sure.” Sam followed you into the room, a plate of food in one hand, and some clothes on another.

“I hope you still like junk food.” Sam chuckled.

“Oh yeah!” You grinned, smiling for the first since the fallout.

“Here,” he handed you the clothes, “You need some fresh pair of clothes. They might be a little too big.”

“Thank you.”

“I'm sorry.” He said.

“What're you sorry for? Your brother's a dumbass,” you scoffed.

“Cas said that what he did is irreversible.” He said. “He said something about grace and how magic done by grace can't be reversible so-”

“I won't remember anything.” You said.

“I called Rowena-”

“The witch?” You asked.

“Yes. She said she will pay us a visit tomorrow. Maybe she can come up with a solution,” he hoped.

“I don't think so, Sam.” you exhaled loudly.

“Listen I am not supporting his stupid decision but Dean, at that time he thought he was doing the right thing,” He sighed. “We'll figure somethin’ out, Y/N/N.”

“He could have talked to me. We could have come up with a different solution other than me having to live without remembering half of my life,” you bitterly laughed.

“I know.” Sam walked up to you and suddenly pulled you into a tight hug.

“Sam, c-can't….breathe,” you gasped.

“Sorry,” he sheepishly smiled and let go of you, “I missed having you around. I really hated the decision Dean made. He didn't think of anyone. You were like my little sister I never thought I needed. I really missed you Y/N/N.”

“Wish I could say the same.” You gave him a sad smile.

“Eat up. You must be starving. Maybe we can reverse the spell….or whatever it is,” Sam said.

“Yeah. Thank you….for everything, Sam,” you said, as he smiled and turned to leave the room, “Sam, wait.”

“Yeah?” He looked back at you.

“I-”

“What is it?” He insisted.

“How is he?” You blurted out.

“Dean? He's, you know, holed up in his room, drinking. I'll check on him on my way out to make sure his liver survives the night.” Sam said.

“Okay.” you said and wished him goodnight as he left the room. After taking a swig from the bottle of beer, you finished off with the burger Sam had brought for you before retreating back to the bed.

Sleep didn't come easy that night. Mind plagued by various thoughts, you kept tossing and turning in your bed. Not only the thoughts about how your previous life was but also the dream you had, when the Djinn had captured you, kept you up all night. Dean said those monsters show you what your heart desires, then why did you dream about a life with Dean? He was just a guy at the bar for you. Tears welled up in your eyes as you realised a big chunk of your memory was missing and you wouldn't probably ever get it back.

You wanted to scream and punch Dean for playing with your life, playing with your relationship, but right now, lying in your bed in which was supposed to be your home, you felt helpless. You got out of the bed finally giving up on sleep and started to rummage through the drawers of your nightstand - searching for anything that would possibly bring back your memory.

Nothing significant caught your eyes until you saw an old leather-bound diary and small black box. Climbing back into your bed, you looked curiously at the two things in your hand.

You opened the box and found a bunch of pictures inside it. Your breath hitched in your throat as you looked at the pages. There were four pictures in total, all of them of you and Dean. There was this one picture, which was probably clicked by Sam of you and Dean laughing in the backseat of his car but what made your heart break was the diamond ring which was clearly visible on your left hand. An inaudible sob left your lips as you saw the next picture which completely shattered your heart. You didn't have any memory of the happiest day of your life. You stared at the picture of you standing in a white dress in front of a mirror, lips curled up into a small smile and eyes sparkling with hope and happiness. You saw the reflection of Dean in a black tux in the mirror as he stood behind you with a camera pointed at the mirror, as he clicked a picture of his bride. You got married that day, you were happy, you both were. Then why did Dean have to go and throw out every good thing he ever had?

Picking up the diary, you started to look through. It was some sort of a journal you used to keep. You flipped through the pages until a certain entry grabbed your attention.

‘This is frustrating. I should be able to maintain my cool! We were on a damn Rugaru hunt. If Sam wasn't there to save my ass, I would have died. Stupid Dean with his stupid gorgeous face. There were so many times I wanted to tell him everything but what if he doesn't feel the same? Goddamnit! I think I will take off for a few days. Clear my head so that I stop daydreaming about that green eyed son of a bitch!’

You chuckled at your bluntness. You flicked through the pages and started reading another entry.

‘I feel numb. I don't know what to think anymore. He's gone. Just like that. I don't even know if he's dead or not. Sammy went out for a drive leaving me behind in the motel room. That was three days ago. I don't know what to do anymore. Bobby's dead. Cas is gone too and Dean is, I don't know anymore. I need him to come back. Please. I can't live without him. Please, come back.’

You had so many questions about what had happened that day. From the diary entries, you could feel how much love you had for Dean. He said that he still loved you. The same question haunted you again, then why did he push you away? You flipped to the last entry in the journal.

‘I am scared for him. He won't talk to me. He would barely look at me. The mark is eating him alive on the inside. I am scared and confused. I don't know how to help him. This is not the Dean Winchester I married. I need my husband back.”

That was the last entry in your diary. You read it a few times but couldn't understand anything. What was the mark? What happened in the last few days? You needed to talk to Sam, hoping he would tell you everything.

You had spent your entire night or what was left of it reading through the journal and rummaging around your room for any other clues or snippets from your forgotten life. Three short knocks on the door made you jump out of your skin.

You hesitated a little before opening the door. After everything you had learnt overnight, you were in no state to face Dean. You had questions that you needed answers but you didn't want to talk to him.

“You okay, Y/N?” A voice asked and you sighed in relief when you realised it was Sam. You went over and opened the door.

“Y-yeah, I'm fine. Why?” You casually asked, leaning against the doorframe.

“Nothing….I was going out for my morning run and heard sounds from your room. Why are you up so early? You-uh, you never were a morning person,” Sam said.

“Can't sleep.” You replied.

“This all must be very overwhelming for you.”

“And confusing. I have so many questions,” you frowned, “I need answers, Sammy.”

Sam’s eyes sparkled as he heard you call him ‘Sammy’, and he smiled at you.

“What?” You cocked your head sideways.

“You called me Sammy.” He said.

“Is that-did I do….did I say something wrong?” You asked.

“No no no, you always used to call me that. You picked up that name from Dean and then you hardly called me Sam anymore,” he chuckled, “you want to go with me for a run? It will clear your head and I know you still don't want to….meet him.”

“Uh-huh. Give a few minutes to get ready. Maybe you can give me the answers to the millions of questions I have,” you said.

“Sure.”

“So he became a demon?” You asked, panting as you tried to keep with Sam’s long legs. You were honestly shocked to learn about how your life had been. Demons, ghosts, werewolves, vampires - that's all that you knew in that life. The Winchesters were on a run from law and some assumed they were dead, and they did die a number of times.

“Yeah. And that's when things started to go downhill,” Sam said.

“What do you mean?” You asked as you both approached the bunker door. Sam kept quiet.

“Sammy?”

“I think you should ask Dean. It's not my place to say,” he whispered.

“But-” Sam shook his head and went down the stairs and you followed him.

Dean was still nowhere to be found which was a relief but you were also a little stressed out about his condition. He was cooped up in his room since the previous night with a bottle of Jack - as told to you by Sam - which was definitely not healthy.

“I know he is probably the last person you want to see right now but you should talk to him. He is the only person who can speak for his actions.” You nodded your head at the younger brother.

“I need a little more time before I can even look at him.” You sighed.

“I know.” The low grumble from the other side of the room, caught your attention. You turned sideways, your heart dropping to your stomach when you took in the sight of the man in front. He looked like he had aged ten years overnight. His red rimmed eyes were heavy with guilt and sadness. His scruffy cheeks were sunken and pale. “I couldn't find any of you in the bunker.”

“We went for a run.” Sam replied.

“Run? I thought you-” Dean looked at you.

“People change.” You averted your eyes, making him wince at your coldness. He knew he deserved it but he still loved you.

“Well, I took a shower so I don't reek of whiskey anymore. You never liked the smell of alcohol on me.” Dean said, trying to make small talk to break the uncomfortable silence.

“Good for you.” You needed to leave the room so you turned on your heels to leave.

“Y/N-” his voice made you stop in your tracks. “I'm sorry. You-you don't have to forgive me but….please, I-I need you to know that I'm sorry.”

“I know.” And that's all you said before you went to your room.

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[unending-happiness]

I'm fairly new to this fandom. There has been so much drama going on, and it kind of worries me that a fandom is so divided. In the past, has the drama ever gotten so bad that certain blogs have been targeted? I've been a part of some fandoms where that has happened.

Hi Nonnie! Welcome! I’m guessing when you say “fandom” that you mean Shadowhunters in general and not just Malec fans, but I’m not sure. Full disclosure, I like to be honest and use lots of words, so lotsa words coming at ya. The truth is that there is no easy answer to this question. I’ll tell you what I know about fandom and drama from my own experience. I’ve been here about a year. I’ll answer this in three parts. (right?! I’m ridiculous)

First: Drama

*sighs* There is ALWAYS drama. Drama Here. Drama In other fandoms. (Which it sounds like you know well) Drama in real life. I know it varies and I have heard some say that SH is way drama heavy while others have said that other fandoms were equal to or worse. Drama happens. People tend to be opinionated. A lot of the time they put stuff out there without thinking of what others will feel about it. People often lack empathy, especially online. My advice on drama both on Tumblr and in life and what I tell my children is this:

You do NOT have to participate in drama. You don’t have to take the bait of someone talking about your favorite character, ship or actor. You don’t have to answer that vile anon. You don’t have to even see any of it. You can unfollow, block, blacklist, whatever it is that you need to do to avoid drama if you so desire. You do not have to give weight and power to negativity. You don’t have to give it oxygen or space. 

That being said, drama and discourse are two different things. I find that I enjoy respectable, well thought out discourse, and so I follow some blogs who are opinionated and I like reading their opinions on how the show could have done some things better, or their character metas. It’s no surprise that a lot of these blogs are writers. Writers, by-in-large, are people who think critically and are careful and measured with their words, because they know the weight and power words can have. Some people don’t like discourse at all, which is fine, so I try to tag mine so it can be avoided if people don’t want to see it. I find that even if I’m not participating in the latest heated argument, I am generally curious and at least want to know why people are carrying on. So I will look things up and see what they are saying. 

For example - yesterday I could see a few people on my dash talking Dom and his Malec comments (intelligently and calmly), but I didn’t know what it was really about, so I wanted read Dom’s interview quotes again. So, (as usually is the case) I knew something was going on, but I saw no real hate or drama on my dash. I searched Dom’s tag looking for his original interview to see what his actual words were. And……I got exactly 4 disgusting posts in before I hit the close button, retreated back to my turtle shell and just messaged a sweet friend asking if she had the interview. So I do SEE it. I know it’s there, but as far as drama on my dash there is pretty much zero. Discourse, about 10%, because I enjoy a good discussion. And what I see I go looking for. Sometimes my curiousity makes my life difficult. But that was my CHOICE to go looking. It’s largely about choices. I choose to follow amazing, kind, sweet, artistic, talented, joyful, loving people. Many of those have followed me back. And my fandom experience is wonderful because of it.

Second: Targeting

I know much less about this than I do about fandom drama. The very definition of targeting is 

a person, object, or place selected as the aim of an attack.

I suppose, based on that definition that, yes, I guess I have in fact seen people targeted in this fandom. Humans can be absolutely terrible and so full of hate. And the SH isn’t in a protective bubble. So, while I have never felt targeted myself, but I have seen my mutuals experience this. Others have indeed selected them to be on the receiving end of their hateful words. Now, what I have seen wasn’t a whole bunch of people attacking one person. It was just one or two attacking one or two. But even that has been very uncommon in my experience. And I don’t know if that is just because of the people I follow or if that is the case with the fandom as a whole. I tend to believe it’s the latter, only because I follow such a wide range of SH blogs with many different personalities, and still don’t see it.

In general the correlation I notice is that the more opinionated you are as a blog and the more discourse you put out, the more opinions you get back. These opinions are frequently in the form of anon asks. The larger blogs also get more nastiness sent their way, because they have a larger audience. I feel like all of this is to be expected.

I’ve had friends delete hateful asks without answering and I’ve had some answer them eloquently and with much more tact and respect than the person doing the attacking deserved. I’ve even known a few who have had turned anon asks off because off temporarily because people were saying terrible things. It all varies based on what the person running the blog can and chooses to do. I’ve followed blogs who get hate spewed their way because they love and defend a certain character, so “fans” of the other character will say nasty things. But, in all of these cases, the hate of a few is largely overpowered by the love of many. All of these people have wonderful friends and people who defend them, support them, and help them. And it is largely diffused because of how they choose to respond. 

Have I seen people attack others? Yes. There are some who will attack others simply because they can. They don’t even need a reason. And is there ever a valid reason for hate anyway? No. Definitely not. And people love the “my thing is better than your thing” drama. Or “your thing is problematic” drama. Do I have strong opinions about my ship? Sure. But I don’t need to hurl them at every person who believes differently. It isn’t necessary or productive. I know nobody could change my mind about my ship, so why would I try to change the opinion of others? Why would I want to?

I personally, have not seen any extreme cases of targeting. Anytime I’ve seen someone get hate, I’ve also seen many come to their defense, and it’s made me proud to be in this fandom. I have heard about extreme targeting happening with blogs who ship a certain less popular ship,  but, I also follow blogs who ship this ship and they seem to have lovely friends and a great support system and I haven’t seen them be attacked. I don’t have much personal experience with this, so it’s hard to answer, but it is my experience that you tend to get back what you put out. If you are confrontational and attack others, then yes, you will get attacked. If you like discourse, you will get discourse. If you wanna just sit on a fluffy marshmallow all day and die of fluff and feels, then you will die of sugary sweetness. I prefer Death by Daddario and Mauled by Malec and I get it daily. It’s fantastic!

THIRD: Tips for a positive fandom experience

This is what I do to make my fandom experience positive. I like kind people. They are my jam. I want nice asks, Tumblr hugs, endless beautiful photos of Matt in my inbox, art and fics from sweet and talented people, all the yelling about Malec greatness, people who support each other, intelligent discussion, empathetic humans.

Full disclosure: I get emotional. I have opinions. I am a serious Malec shipper. I’m on the board of the Alec/Matt Protection Squad. I speak fluent sarcasm. And because of this I’ve gotten the occasionally salty anon. Salt returned. Fair enough. I do make mistakes and I am sure I’ve upset someone before. I also apply this same standard to my friends. I know they aren’t going to be perfect.I know they will have bad days and have a raw emotional response occasionally. They are human and I expect this. Fandom has been a learning curve. But, I try really really hard to be positive and kind. Some hopefully helpful tips.

-Don’t follow just anyone. If I think I might want to follow them, I’ll scroll pretty far down on their blog to see what they post/reblog. If I see hate or negativity, then I’m out of there. I give it 2 posts. If I see even 2 in 50, then I don’t want to be there.

-It’s ok to unfollow anyone. If I do follow someone and I see them posting things hating on other people,  ships, actors, whatever it may be. (not discussions, just words meant to hurt people) then I usually give it about 3 times, and I unfollow. No big deal. I don’t want to see it so I don’t see it. I don’t care if it’s a large blog or a small one or who the person is. It isn’t personal. And NO it is not my responsibility to try and correct the bad behavior of every person who ships the same couple I do. I don’t like when people say that you have a responsibilty to do that. You don’t. I’ll do my part by spreading positivity and light.

-Block anyone who makes you feel unsafe. If I see a person attacking someone on a post or their blog, whatever it may be, I immediately block them as a preventative measure.

-Blacklist anyone/anything. There are times within the fandom that discourse gets to even me,especially if it’s one of the characters I love, So for instance, if a character I love is being heavily criticized after an episode, I will just blacklist either the people saying the things or the relevant tag for a bit. Tumblr savior is your friend. Use it. 

-Keep scrolling. My first reaction to anything that pisses me off or upsets me is to keep scrolling. I don’t need to chime in. I don’t need to start an argument. That person can put whatever they want on their blog and so I Alec level eye roll that shit and move on with my day.

-Talk to trusted friends. If a post just eats at me and I need to discuss it, then i’ll send it to a friend I love and trust. We will discuss it, go back and forth on it, she will talk me down from the “but I really want to set this person straight ledge” and we move on with our days. (my poor bestie is an angel). Amazing friends are so helpful in fandom.

-Think. Before I reblog ANYTHING, I try to think of how it will make my followers feel. If they ship a certain ship or like a certain character, and I post this how will they feel about it. If I think it’ll make someone feel upset or alienated, I scroll on by. If I like and appreciate the humor, sarcasm, sentiment, but I’m a little torn about reblogging it and not sure how people will take it, then I’ll just like it and not reblog.

-Extra think. Same but extra gets applied to posting something of my own. I think about every way that anyone can take it or be hurt by it. And I also think of how I’ll respond if someone reacts badly. I think about my wording, people of other ships, etc. This is original content you are putting out into the world that will get reblogged. You can never get rid of it once it’s out there. Every. Single. Time. that I have said “this will probably get me a salty anon” it has. Every time. I know before I even put something out there what it will most likely bring back. In those cases I have felt that me expressing my opinion on that matter was worth the salty anons. And I’ve never regretted one. I tend to be very sarcastic and opinionated in my tags, because most likely the only people seeing those are my followers and if people follow me they know how I am and they also know where the unfollow button is, so that’s more of a safe space. But, I have gotten anons who specifically referenced my salty tags. 

-Respond carefully. Speaking of salty anons.(I’ve never gotten hate, thankfully) Yeah, you could think of it as this person is coming to your door and being confrontational about what you put on your own damn blog and they are hiding behind anonymity to boot, so really I should be able to say whatever I want back. Right?! No. I push that feeling down and  I respond very carefully. I consider their opinion and their pov. I always tell them I have done as much. I stand by my original opinion, which is easy because I’ve thought it through before I posted, and I am understanding, and tell them that it’s ok if they disagree with me. I do this especially if I think they are trying to bait me. Thanks but no thanks. I’m not about that. I am so extra about this that I have my beta bestie read through a lot of my responses to anons before I post them. Just to be sure I’m not missing anything and I’m giving off the sentiment I want to give off. This formula is pretty good because I’ve never gotten a “level-up” on angry from an anon yet. (knock on wood) I think most often they really just want you to know they were irritated and that you upset them. It’s cool. Message received.

-Tag spoilers and discourse. Maybe not always, but I try really hard. This helps so much. People may follow you but not be able to stand discourse.

-Flood negative with positive. If someone is being mean to someone I follow I block the meanie, and then I yell nice things at the person being attacked. I also send them a sweet ask. I often will also send them a message with support. Light drives out dark. Period. I don’t address the hateful person directly. I do this with the cast and their s/o as well when they get hate. I just send them nice things. It’s easy. Don’t feed the trolls. It only makes them bigger and more angry.

-Spread love. If you love someone’s fic–tell them. If you love someone’s art–tell them.  Reblog the shit out of that with nice tags. If someone’s tags make you happy–tell them. If you think someone is sweet–tell them. Anything nice that goes through your brain. SAY IT LOUD. I cannot stress this enough. If you are shy, just do it on anon. People appreciate that. Love wins, always. 

-Surround yourself with good people. This is the most important thing for a good fandom experience. I have some of the very best friends I’ve ever had in my life because of this fandom. They are amazing people. Some of us are very different and I don’t always agree with them, but I do agree with their methods, their kindness and generosity, with their love and support.

SO, anon. I’m sure you are probably like, wtf is this?! I never asked for a damn novel, crazy!!! And so I’m sorry for this stupid long response. But, this isn’t an easy answer. And I can’t tell you about darkness without telling you how to drive it away. This is all stuff that people around me helped me do when I first started my blog and it’s been such a help. 

I hope this helps and please feel free to send me any more questions you have. Also, I would be more than happy to rec you some positive and kind blogs, if you wish. I follow a lot of Malec, and I’m not sure if you are a Malec fan or not, so I’m not doing that now. But if you tell me what kind of blogs might interest you, I would be happy to rec some! Thanks for asking. I hope you have a beautiful day. I hope your experience in this fandom is fun and wonderful and you don’t get dragged down by the bad side. The good side is so so so so great. Totally worth navigating the shit storms imo. Welcome. I LOVE THIS FANDOM.

:)

#anon #asks #answers #long post #thanks nonnie #i hope this helps #welcome to the fandom! #let me know if I can help in any way #or if you have more questions #sorry for this long ass post #im really passionate about this