#I'm getting goddamn tired of living with trauma lemme tell ya

[invictus1875]

(generic vent. S*lf h*rm mention. trauma mention. swearing)

#I'm getting goddamn tired of living with trauma lemme tell ya #i was having a good week. #honestly. for the first time in so so long i was having a good week #and what triggered this downward spiral? #my own fucking nightmares #it's not fair. it's not bloody fair I'm trying so so hard to move past everything and recover and get better #I'm avoiding things that could trigger me #engaging in good coping mechanisms #and yet? #it's not fair jfc #it's like every time i start to forget what happened I'm forcefully reminded #and bitch!!!!! i don't want to be!!! leave me alone!!!! #it wasn't even the nightmare itself that triggered the spiral honestly #it was the realisation that I'll never truly be healed until i get therapy #which i can't. i fucking can't. at least not until im an adult and free to make my own choices. #I'm so tired of being stuck where i am #i tried to get out. i tried to un-stick myself from this mess and get better of my own volition. without help. #surprise surprise!! doesn't work like that #why am i so badly affected by something that happened so many years ago!!! fuck!!! it's like i just need a reason to feel bad #maybe I'm overreacting. maybe this is all an act and I'm just trying to get out of studying #mighty convenient that this comes one week before finals huh!!! mighty convenient indeed. #''ooooh i didn't do well because my trauma acted up again :('' #@me I'm onto you. you lil bitch. shut the fuck up. #i hate myself so much ahahahah #isn't it easier to just. sit my ass down and read this stuff. than it is to roll around in my own pathetic sadness #isn't it easier to be productive than it is to be weighed down by a goddamn tornado of negativity and self loathing!!! #WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF. HOW DO I GET OUT. #Imgettingdesperate.jpg #somehow sitting here with a book in my hand and absolutely nothing going into my dumb head is 100x worse than when I'd cry myself to sleep #I'm tired. TIRED.