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#I'm going to ignore my own existence
firefrightfic · a month ago
IDK how you and other fans of both Dick and Jason can stand Dick stans without getting into fights with them. FR they're so downright unbelievably nasty towards Jason it deeply upsets me and makes me wanna fight them through my computer screen. But since I can't, I don't know what to do get them off my mind.
Psst, come here, I'm gonna share the biggest secret to success in fandom with you, anon.
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But to give a slightly more serious and extended answer, honestly, the happiest way I've found to exist in fandom is to carve out your own little space and stay in it. Find a few other good people you know and trust to follow for content, avoid the tags, and of course, block. Block the shit out of those whose opinions and beliefs annoy you. Most often, you won't change their minds arguing with them, and with this being a fun pretend time hobby, it's even more often not worth it to your own mental health to try. There are some folks out there who live for debate in these circumstances and I applaud them, but for me and my own wellbeing it's just not worth the effort. I'm much happier just existing over here doing my own thing and ignoring whatever bonfire is going off around the corner, and based on your ask, I have the feeling you likely will too.
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[Artist's depiction of this technique]
This doesn't just apply to other fans, either, but canon content/news, actions of the publisher/writers etc. Curate your own fandom experience to what is best for you and I promise you'll have a much better time.
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crimenight · a month ago
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please remember to erase what you know about bruce when you interact with my blog,  i have a very distinct portrayal.  if you force him into a label you see fit,  our plotting will go nowhere.  
#really been thinking about how jack said the joker dying would work in more specific portrayal & that's right with other things too#my**#i progress bruce/batman.. i keep the story going. DC keeps him stagnant in the same issues.#might be fine for new comic fans but as someone who started with 70s comics & worked my up.. it's boring#the movie portrayals are boring#some of them; not all#i think i also need to emphasize that batman does not beat people bloody for no reason#i'm telling you DC contradicts themselves because they saw batman knows how to put you to sleep with a single nerve pinch#say* 3 hours of sleep & too much coffee..#but then he goes around beating everyone up without heeding his own 'use your head first not your fists' saying#i'm tired. bruce gives everyone a choice. they either drop what they're doing or he'll make them.#but that latter threat doesn't involve them landing in the hospital IN A COMA#not saying bruce hasn't done that before BUT it's not an every night thing#again.... why would bruce wayne put people in jail without pushing for prison reform#why would he beat people up who are stealing because they just want a meal for once#does DC think.... because bruce said he would never do those things in the 70s#i sound stupid. it's been 50 years. that batman doesn't exist.#i hope this puts things into perspective. my bruce is INCREDIBLY different than modern batman in a lot of things.#allow me to show you a batman that actually makes sense. i can't do that well unless you forget about his modern counterpart.#he's rich & stupid sometimes but him being ignorant of systemic issues has never made sense to me#he's never been ignorant of that before.. idk why DC is starting to push that more#but anyways.. im getting off topic. i will speak about his efforts outside of the suit soon enough.#<3#TBD.#ALSO MY POST IS NO BECAUSE MY MUTUALS HAVE DONE THIS OR SOMETHING it's just another reminder.#not* modern comics simply kill me
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You know in season one ep 19 (I’ll paste the trascript)
[DEAN: (Softly) And... I don't mean any disrespect but I'm sure this is about Jessica, right? Now I don't know what it's like to lose somebody like that.... but... I would think that she would want you to be happy.
SAM is quiet and listening now, tears in his eyes.
DEAN: God forbid have fun once in a while. Wouldn't she?
SAM: (softly) Yeah I know she would.
SAM gives a half smile, then sighs heavily.
SAM: Yeah you're right. Part of this is about Jessica. But not the main part.
DEAN: What's it about?
SAM refuses to answer. ]
Like whats the main part Sam? Is it wincest? Is it pining!Sam how am i suppose to interpret this??? And what was the secret he was keeping in at the end of the bloody mary episode?
I was sooo confused when i first watched it (before being a wincest shipper) but now allll im seeing is pining!wincest in season one. Like???
I'm glad wincest made you see the light, nonnie!!! Welcome to the family! We have cookies :DDD
It's 100% pining!Sam on the first one for me. After all, the night Dean whisked him away from Stanford was the happiest night of his life, we all know this now. But I don't think he realizes his own feelings yet. But he knows guilt, because his girlfriend burned to death on a ceiling, yet his heart soars at Dean's off-key singing, at the way he drums his fingers on Baby's wheel in tune with the music (even though he complains about it, like any little brother worth his salt should). Even something as inane as Dean scuffling with him over his laptop sends warmth shooting through his chest, and that has him frowning, because as much as he loves his annoying big brother, his girlfriend just died, dammit. So maybe there's hurt in there, too, because here's Sam, trying to sort through his jumbled up emotions, and then there's Dean, adamant on pushing him into the arms of yet another woman.
But little does he know, Dean's pining, too. And worse still, he knows he's pining. Been pining for years. What made Sam's eyes bleed is the secret of his psychic powers, but Dean's not sure what made his eyes bleed: he's got too many damn secrets, too many to choose from, some darker than others. The trucker in Tennessee who'd looked at Sammy in his sweet sixteen for a minute too long, who'd been swiftly sent to the hospital with a wrung jaw; his selfish happiness at Sam's life burning away to ash because that means he can keep him; the ache he felt at every smile little Sammy threw at him finally clicking into place when his little brother wrapped his arms around him under the 4th of July fireworks.
The ache he feels even now as he watches Sam kiss Sarah.
"That's my boy," he says to himself, smiling, but his voice sounds thick to his own ears, too far away, mind screaming this is it this is it you idiot you pushed too hard and now he's falling into someone else's arms and, this is where you lose him this is where you finally lose him-
But then Sam's walking toward him, giving him a questioning look, and Dean moves away from the passenger side door -the one he'd been leaning against- on autopilot, mind in a haze. Sam's already folded himself into the passenger seat that still knows every groove of his body so well, and he's looking up at Dean with wide eyes.
"Dean? Aren't we leaving?"
And Dean's fingers unclench from around the impala keys at that, chest feeling light. Like a hand that had his heart in a fist had finally let go.
You get to keep him, the same heart sings.
This time, at least. Just for a little longer.
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thedreadvampy · 3 months ago
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I am thinking again about butchness I'm thinking about how I want to be strong how I want to be protective and caring how I want to be able to step up and meet the needs of people I care about
(I'm kind of also thinking. about how last time I was dating a woman I let this get out of hand and I let my own needs get subsumed and really walled myself off from seeking care and protection. and that worries me. like how do I know what's a real and healthy and good expression of how I love and what's self-destruction?)
semi-relatedly my friend and my boyfriend are trying to get me to go on the apps once I'm vaccinated and try and have some Casual Sex With Girls bc I will Never Shut Up about how much I want to make out with girls. but like. t e r r i f y i n g concept I am 28 and have never in my life actively gone seeking dates all I know about dating girls is be best friends make out at every party eventually confess to having feelings after 3 years and generally Yearn. what is. dating? we just don't know.
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i do not understand exactly how i’m meant to handle vertigo
google is a little unclear on if i’m meant to rest, or if i’m meant to just stumble about my day to day life hoping i don’t face plant like a dumbass
i’m assuming the latter is probably a bad plan (mostly based on the look my flatmate gave me when i brought this up) but also,,,,, is resting beneficial here,,, would acting normal actually make it worse,,,
i’m becoming very aware that the NP i saw today did not expand on the subject much and i’m creating a list of mental questions to ask when she rings tomorrow to check in
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sirsharp-a · 9 months ago
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I don't mean to vagueblog, so please don't take it that way, but I think I'm going to go on a bit of a follower clean-out soon. There are just a small selection of people I'd rather not hear from anymore, namely because I feel engagement is one-sided or 'I'm not x, so they don't care about what I post at all'. It makes me feel very shitty and I just don't want to deal with it anymore ( I've been feeling this way for a few months now ), I want to be able to come online and actually feel included and 'important'. I'll really only be clearing a couple of folks and inactive, so if you wanna still be moots because you like my posts/intend to write in the future, please give this a like and I'll leave it be. 💛
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sentrylives · 2 years ago
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kinda tired of all the discourse that inevitably plagues pride month every year. kinda wish we could all shut up and be gay together in a utopian world where all the discourse is solved and there weren't any dissenters or cash grabs to speak of. no flame to anyone participating in the discourse i'm just so tired
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sappire-charizard · 2 years ago
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Whee, updates!
Short summary (because it gets reeeeally long under the read more and I totally don’t expect anyone to read everything): Pupper died, kitty died x2, mom’s in a wheelchair because the VA is terrible apparently, epilepsy is still a thing, money’s still a bit tight, and our winters are cold. But! Video games are fun and I’ve adopted a new feral kitty and her kittens! Also I’m trying to make a game now! And my uncle is nice enough to take me to church whenever he can! :D
Still living at home with mom; still have epilepsy, still not able to work or drive, still trying to earn my keep by helping out around the house.
Last winter we had some pipes burst! I’ve had to master the art of DIY plumbing and got it mostly fixed but it was way more stressful than it should’ve been and that was preeetty much why I vanished on here again.
I don’t recall ever putting it on here; our dog, Elvis, ultimately passed away about a year or so after my step dad did. He ended up with cancer and we had to put him down. He was a good pupper right up until the end and I had to do my darnedest not to cry in front of him since he was such a sensitive bab. At the time, our car was in the shop and we had to call for a taxi. The driver was insanely kind to us and put up with us putting a hundred pounds of dog in his backseat, and didn’t charge us extra when we asked to stop at a gas station to get some junk food to drown our sorrows in. He also told us the story of how he put his own dog down, and how sorry he was to hear it had happened to us, too.
One of our cats died- Tricky, our big black kitty. She got cancer, as well, and when we couldn’t get her to eat even with taking something to increase appetite we had to have her put down. She was an absolute sweetheart and the vet let me hold her while they gave her the injection.
I’m pretty sure I posted on here when our other kitty- Moony- died year before last? In case I didn’t: It was kidney failure. There wasn’t anything that could be done. He became joined at the hip with me when he first started getting sick, and having to make the call myself to have him put down hurt.
More kittens happened!! We had a feral kitty (feral as in you didn’t want to approach her or she would probably attack) that was best friends with Elvis and used to eat and sleep with him for protection against our other feral cats. After we lost him, we kept putting food out in his bowl for her to eat in the garage. That became primarily my job and after working with her for around three years (I’d started trying to work with her before Elvis even got sick) she started approaching me and rubbing against my legs. Then she proceeded to have kittens and I had to activate CODE ADORABLE and we adopted all four of them- and her! The kittens were darlings and one in particular (named Cobbler now) considered me his second mother, but it was pretty easy to coax them inside the house once they were around three weeks old. Mama cat followed them and we led them into a spare bedroom. That was two years ago, and they’ve all been fixed and given their shots and they’re a bunch of healthy little babies! Cobbler is still the mama’s boy, though, and he won’t eat in the morning unless I pick him up and talk to him for a good few minutes.
Pokemon!! Pokemon has been something of a saving grace for me! Between car break downs (which happen every few months it seems), doctor appointments, and just life being generally not fun, Pokemon has helped keep me a little sane. In the past year and a half I’ve played through around... seven games, including the USUM and LGPE. Let’s Go Eevee is stupidly fun, for the record, and Eevee, Mew, and I are steamrolling over Kanto and finding shinies along the way.
This spring! This! Past! Spring! I saw someone reblog a post on here talking about turning characters without a set backstory into a fighting game, then someone added to make a dating game and included links to Ren’py and a few other engines and whoo boy. I decided to try Ren’py and I got hooked and now I’m making a game I guess?? It’s a weird mix of point-and-click, dating sim, and adventure at this point. I’m making it entirely myself (art, programming, writing/plot) and it’s been super fun!! My art’s improved a lot as a result and I totally need to share game progress on here!
My mom’s wheelchair thing is a loooong story. In an effort to keep it a little short: basically her VA doctor ignored her back pain, sent her to physical therapy, ultimately drove her into a wheelchair. Not fun.
This past November was a mess of no sleep and little food and I’m still kind of reeling from it. Slowly getting back into the swing of things, though!
Throughout all of this, I’ve been super grateful for my uncle!! He lives an hour away and preaches at a church in his city, but he makes a concentrated effort to come and pick me up once a month to go to church with him and have a meal with his congregation. He also sometimes drops some food off for me and my mom when he knows things are particularly tight for us. I’d never tell him and he probably doesn’t realize it, but he feels like the closest thing I have to a dad these days. <3
AND YEAH BASICALLY THINGS HAVE BEEN HECTIC.
But there’s been some good hectic buried in there!
I really have missed having Tumblr to come on and just dump art and writing and stuff, though, so I’m glad things seem to be settling down a bit so I can tentatively try to come back here. <3
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politicalautist · 3 years ago
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hey yo it’s time for GENDER REFLECTIONS AND WHY I HATE WOMANHOOD by me, a fucking internalised-misogyny-ridden weirdo
So, background: this is not a new thing for me. I now identify as genderqueer and have done for years, and it’s helped me a whole bunch with getting over my internalised misogyny, but for several years I’ve been aware that there are two distinct threads to my genderqueerness:
1. wtf is a gender can i eat it (the side I am open about and constantly scream about)
2. being a woman terrifies me. I still think if I was born with a dick, I would just have been like “yeah whatever I’m a guy” regardless of point 1, because hey, it doesn’t matter. But being a girl sucks and is horrible and girl things terrify me and I don’t want to deal with them.
And it’s definitely point 2 I’m wanting to ramble about now, because it’s only in the last few years that I’ve let myself recognise that as a factor, and I’m still untangling it and trying to face up to why that’s the case and how it affects me.
Disclaimer: I don’t hate women, and I don’t hate feminine things. I used to, but actually, being able to separate myself from womanhood has let me not hate other people for being associated with it. At this point in my life, I love women, and as long as I don’t have to conform to them, I can recognise and appreciate the value of Woman Things (like makeup or pretty clothes or gentleness or emotions).
But they still kind of fill me with creeping dread, and I still can’t manage them as applied to me.
And it’s occurred to me today, while ranting about fanfic to @darael, part of why that is.
Like, I already knew that it was tied to fiction and narrative conditioning. I knew I grew up with books (and films, TV, etc., but this is me, so mostly books) from genres like sci-fi and fantasy and crime fiction which, especially in the older books I grew up on, are known for constantly devaluing femininity and feminine traits. I also know that’s a trend throughout society, that feminine things are lesser and weak and whatnot. I knew I bought into it wholeheartedly as a kid, because I desperately needed to be better than you and also to be validated in my tomboyishness. I sought out female characters as a kid, but I always sought out warrior women. I hated the end of Éowyn’s story because she got all soppy and hung up her sword. (fun fact: that is now the most powerful part of the story to me as an adult, because fuck, it’s not about gender, is it, it’s about the experience of war and trauma of violence... OFF TOPIC WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT PACIFIST THEMES IN TOLKIEN)
But just now I’ve been thinking that it goes deeper. I modelled myself specifically after those shieldmaiden and warrior-woman characters, because it was the way I most often saw “girl who doesn’t align with social gender norms” in fiction, certainly the most often way where that’s represented as a positive.
And, Jesus, so many of those characters hate women. “Not Like Other Girls” is a fucking plague in fiction. So, yeah, that’s a spinoff of the first thing, where womanhood and femininity is Bad and Weak and Poor, but...
...but that’s where I learnt to be a person. That, specifically.
No wonder I took the “feminine bad” message on board quite so strongly. It’s not just that femininity was a narrative I didn’t fit into, or even that I desperately wanted vindication that I was doing the right thing breaking out of that narrative (although in hindsight, I really did) - the narrative I took on board for myself to replace it is fundamentally built on rejection of the feminine in like... 90% of cases.
(it’s also fundamentally built on being sporty and physically violent, which also does not fit me, an actual couch potato, but again, that’s a digression)
I want to bring it back to Éowyn, aka “Jormy’s First Love And Also Role Model”, because one thing I’ve reflected on is that she doesn’t fit that pattern, at least not in the books. She cares about women, protects women, values women’s work, while also feeling that it isn’t her calling. She’s not perfect in that regard, but it’s very clear to me on an adult reading that Éowyn is not misogynistic in her rejection of traditional femininity.
And that was completely fucking stripped out in the films. Like, suddenly Éowyn can’t cook (at least in the extended editions), shows no signs of feminine manners or behaviour or political understanding, and never aligns herself with the women of Rohan the way she does in the books. They “Not Like Other Girls”-ed the original fantasy Not Like Other Girls. 
So I guess, insofar as there’s a point to this beyond rambling out my Gender Thoughts, the point of this post is: are we getting worse at this? Is it just a few shitty adaptational choices (I note that Game of Thrones did the same to the nth degree with both Arya and Brienne, quite aside from shitting all over Sansa and Cat, but GoT is just all-around misogynistic trash so maybe not a valid data point?), is it a reactionary response to the rise of more feminist fantasy/specfic, or do I just think it’s getting worse because I’m more conscious of it?
Also, how the fuck do I fix this? I don’t want to hate Woman Things. I want to be able to mess about with makeup or dresses or responding to things with emotional vulnerability once in a while, without on some level feeling like I’m betraying myself - the narrative of myself I’ve taken on. I really don’t want to hold onto any hatred of women and girls and their embracing of their gender - or to be uncomfortable with femininity from anyone, especially when so much of the feminine narrative in this context is stuff we need more of in our society.
I wonder if it’s possible, or ever will be possible, for me to be identified as a girl without feeling that misogyny crawling back in. It’s not even that I want to be a girl (again, what is a gender, can you eat it) - but is there a version of me that could be a girl without hating Girl Things? Is there any dominant narrative of gender-nonconforming womanhood that doesn’t require either misogyny or lesbianism? (no shade to lesbians, I just am very aware that I’m... not solely into women, and nor are a lot of gnc women, so being told your options are “hate women or have sex with only women” only exacerbates matters when you KNOW you’re equally or more attracted to dudes)
i want there to be a punchy point to this post but like
there isn’t one
gender’s weird and society’s a mess and the stories we tell each other shape the way we treat each other and also i’m fucked up in my relationships with womanhood the end
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fallenrepublick · 3 months ago
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I feel like... I need to lay out what's going on in my brain about The Bad Batch. No real spoilers, don't worry~
So, I do enjoy the show. I do. It's fun, it's got that exploratory energy that we always need from a Star Wars show, and I'm definitely a hoe for found family. It has it's own set of problems, which a lot of people have point out. But right now I want to dig a little into something that I've given it time to rectify, that it's been disappointing me on with each passing week.
The narrative has developed an awful habit of holding emotion at arm's length. The Masculinity Restriction.
As it stands, there has been no emotion. None. The family dynamic we had been promised does not exist, because the way that the writers have made the Batch function have created an energy that makes it absolutely impossible to develop. Every single time we've been given the opportunity to explore narratives that deal with emotional issues, the story moves forward, barely touching on them, or ignoring them altogether.
This can be said of everything, Cross's "betrayal," Echo's past, even interactions with each other. There is nothing. Consider the situation with Crosshair, how every single Batch member, who supposedly had been through life and death situations with him, who lived as family with him, mention him in passing. There is no sadness connected to his loss, no mourning for someone they know is being controlled to conspire against them and throw away every memory he has of them. They've thrown away that past just as much as he has, and their characterizations are suffering for it. If they discussed it, if they were shown to be grappling with this issue, it would not only aid their individual characters by showcasing their coping mechanisms and the ways their minds work, but also would help Crosshair's character. It would be another element to him, the proof that without the chip, he cared for them, they cared for him. They were a family once, and at the present moment, there is no proof of that.
"I kinda miss him," doesn't cut it. "I'm angry at myself," doesn't cut it. Their priorities switching to Omega so quickly, showing no intention of getting back their sibling makes no sense, unless you're trying to imply that they never cared about him (and by relation each other), in the first place. Relying on implication when it comes to emotional processing is, I'm very sorry to have to say, bad writing.
And then we look at Echo's past, another horribly lost opportunity. Another situation where the batch simply does not care. We never see him grapple with the fact that the very people h fought alongside are being controlled by these chips to become mindless drones. We never see his struggle with medical technology or droids, a conversation that would have been incredible to see with Tech. We never get the moment of realisation about what happened to Fives.
They're soldiers, you might say, they must learn to push down their feelings. Tech, maybe. Hunter, maybe. Wrecker? No. He's been proven to be one that isn't afraid to show how he feels, for example, with Lula. And you're trying to tell me that he wouldn't be in active pain for the loss of his brother, given how close they were, their friendly competition, the way he never hesitated to back Crosshair up even when he was in the wrong? Absolutely not.
But you know who is allowed to have these moments? Who is allowed to have an emotional reaction to what happened to Crosshair, and the few seconds of Echo's trauma? Omega. The only girl in the family. She was trained to be a medic, I get that. But to have her be the one source of emotion here is bad, and frankly, annoying. So what, the youngest, newest member of the group is supposed to support each and every one of you? She's supposed to be your therapist? The twelve year old girl? Really? And they haven't learned from her, none of them have. That's what a parent/child relationship is, it's not only teaching the child, but acknowledging that you have something to learn from them as well, showing that development as the story progresses. They aren't more open, they're open to her. They don't talk to each other, they talk to her. The interactions between brothers that don't have anything to do with combat are clunky, awkward, all of them standing around a metal box in silence before saying uncomfortably, "That was Crosshair's weapon kit."
The men in the show are simply not allowed to have feelings unless given the opportunity to lean on a child to process them, and even then, the moments last maybe five minutes if we're lucky. It's exhausting, it's weird, and it's keeping each and every one of them from being relatable. The longer this goes on... the more interest I lose.
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kiyozu · 3 months ago
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VIBRATOR IN PUBLIC
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characters: kaeya, diluc, albedo, zhongli, childe, scaramouche.
warnings: NSFW / MDNI, gn!reader, dom reader, toys (vibrator), public, humiliation (albedo, childe), degradation (scaramouche).
love note: i honestly tried writing for xiao but i can't see him wearing a vibrator in public no matter what, it's a hard no from him so :( i'm sorry to my xiao lovers!! but i still hope everyone enjoys this!
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ੈ♡‧➝ KAEYA
oh? playing with toys in public? how naughty~
kaeya is 100% up for it though, finding that it could be fun, especially when you mention it to be a remote controlled vibrator— when will you turn it on? that's the exhilarating part of it all!
does the cutest voice crack, trying to act unaffected when you do turn it on! he didn't expect you to be so ruthless, turning it on high right away!
You two sat outside Good Hunters, awaiting the food you ordered a few minutes ago. Kaeya honestly almost forgot about the vibrator buried in him, only remembering when he'd shift and feel it dig further into him, making his breathing hitch for only a second. He was good at staying composed, made it even more fun for when you finally got him to break. "Oh! Kaeya, I think our food it done! Can you get it?"
"But of course," He chuckles, standing up and walking over to Sara. Your eyes watch as he talks to the woman, chatting away with the food in his hands. You grin, deciding to finally have your fun.
You reached into your pocket and turned on the vibrator, instantly his knee's buckling and having to lean against the counter for support. The high vibrations made him clench around the vibrator which only furthered his pleasure, making him groan. "Ah, a-apologies," his voice cracked as he looked up at Sara, but he tried to ignore that. "Seems I might have caught a cold of sorts." He left, legs trembling with each step and he's desperately trying not to drop either of yours food.
Kaeya finally makes it back to the table, his boner obvious to anyone who dares to glance your way, and his breathing labored. "You're rather evil, y'know that?" he bites his lip to muffle a moan and with that you turn off the vibrator all together, a whine building up in his throat.
"I've no clue what you're talking about." You say, taking a bite of your food. Kaeya scoffs in disbelief, rolling his eyes at your little comment. He goes to take a bite of his own food when you turn it back on and he chokes on his own spit, dropping his food on the plate and doubling over. "Kae? You feeling okay?" He lifts his head, letting out a shaky breath.
"Mmhm..." He doesn't trust himself to speak, afraid a moan will come out instead. He grinds down on to the seat, trying to get the vibrator further in him. "Ah, Y-Y/n, I think I might—"
"Don't." You turned it off right before he could cum, and he bites into his fist, wishing he could let out some sort of noise, wishing he could get some sort of relief. He regrets agreeing to this now, who knew you'd be so cruel? "C'mon on Kae, finish your food, we barely started the nice date I planned out."
ੈ♡‧➝ DILUC
you've ought to be joking, right?... right?
diluc's cheeks are red at merely the thought of doing something so lewd, wearing a vibrator out whilst you two are in public? however the more he thinks it over the more he can't help but grow hard at the thought!
can't keep his composure at all, despite his words saying he's fine. his face is red, knees weak, it's rather obvious something is going on.
It grew late into the night, the lights that line the streets of Mondstadt turning on as the sun sets. Soon the night owls appeared, making the night life in Mondstadt somewhat existent. You made your way to Angel's Share, wondering if Diluc thought over your conversation earlier, and if went through with it.
Entering the lively tavern, you grin upon seeing Diluc, but as soon as he met your eyes his cheeks went ablaze and he looked elsewhere. Ah, so he did go through with what you asked. You chuckle, taking your spot at the bar and waving him over. He clears his throat, walking over to you. You lean in closer to him, speaking in a whisper. "Did you put it in?" His lips parted, before he closed them and gave a small nod. How cute, he's being rather shy.
Diluc got pulled away by another customer, and the night grew on without you touching the device. Would you actually turn it on, or were you messing with him? He was trying to figure it out when suddenly he felt it— light vibrations, the toy whirring to life in his tight hole. He sucked in a harsh breath, cheeks turning from a light pink to a warm red.
"Diluc! You okay, buddy?" A regular asked, laughing at his rosy cheeks.
"I'm fine," His voice was shaky, his grip on the counter tightening as he tried to keep himself up right as you turned up the level a bit higher. "What can I get yo- ahn," He chokes out a moan, his dick twitching but thankfully the counter hide that part, sadly his choked moan was anything but quiet. "I..." He coughed, "ahem, I got something in my throat, apologies."
Nobody bought it, but everyone moved on, not wanting to question him. You watch in amusement, turning it a bit higher, watching him desperately try not to hump at the counter for relief. He kept throwing you glares till you finally called him over. His legs wobbled, a groan leaving him as he reached you.
"Diluc, you're doing so good," you coo in a quiet tone, "keep doing good and I'll reward you, alright?" Diluc pouts, giving you a pleading look that makes you chuckle. "Cute, but it won't work. Now, you have customers waiting, only a few more hours till we're free to go~" and oh boy, he couldn't wait.
ੈ♡‧➝ ALBEDO
for experimentation! at least, that's all you have to say to convince him to give it a try!
albedo is a bit hesitant, mostly because he isn't sure how well he'll react, surely keeping his reactions quiet can't be that hard? he's going to put all his effort into not giving a reaction since you two will be around others
that being said, albedo has a bit harder of a time than he first anticipated but still, his ability to remain neutral looking is phenomenal!
Entering the camp near Dragonspine, you greet the others with a happy, innocent smile, waving to them as you pass. Albedo remained quiet, nodding at those he past as you two make your way to the cooking area. It wasn't long before Cyrus came over, talking loudly about adventures from his past, addressing Albedo whilst he cooked up a meal.
This was it, the perfect time to toy and test his reaction to what you placed in him earlier, at the other camp in the mountains. You reach into your pocket, fiddling with the remote and watching as his knees lock up, suddenly stiffer than usual— sadly, Cyrus didn't notice, too lost in his story. Albedo looks over at you, giving you a look that basically says 'challenge accepted.'
"What do you think, Mr. Albedo?" Albedo looks over at Cyrus, opening his mouth only for a choked groan to escape him as you turn the vibrator higher. "Woah, you okay?" You stifle a laugh, watching as Albedo clears his throat, small trembles in his legs but his face remained overall calm.
"I'm fine. You were saying?" You notice the tips of his ears grow pink, and you know why, but anybody else would blame it on the cold. You sigh, turning it a bit higher, watching his brows knit together, and he runs a hand through his hair, making it messier than usual.
You lean in when the adventurer doesn't notice, and with hot breath against his ear, you whisper, "You're doing so good, nobody suspecting a thing... Although, it would be fun if they caught on, wouldn't it be?" His breath hitches, and his shifts, trying to hide the tent that grows.
You pull back, feigning an innocent smile. "darling, could you grab those tomatoes?" You point to the table behind him and he freezes, if he were to turn, anybody would be able to see his boner.
"I-" Before he got the chance, Cyrus handed you the tomatoes and you thank him, although the look you give Albedo was deadly. Albedo let out a shaky breath, this was not going to end good, was it? Still, he's thankful for the adventurer in the moment, even if it only delayed his humiliation for the time being.
ੈ♡‧➝ ZHONGLI
you sure do keep him young— is this what you youths do now-a-days?
zhongli is up for it! as long as it doesn't interfere with his work, then he's for it! perhaps on a day he has off? when you two are roaming the harbor? zhongli will already be on the bed, ass in the air, the moment you bring it up.
prepare for what you've started, zhongli is surprisingly terrible at keeping his reactions in check!
Zhongli was more than happy to stroll around Liyue with you, although he was acutely aware of the small, pink vibrator placed in him, every step shifting its weight. He kept glancing around, wondering if anybody else knew of what a lewd situation he was in— looking at you, it'd be hard to guess, you looked so innocent, smiling and laughing as if you two hadn't fucked earlier and then you placed the toy in him before pulling him along on your little date.
Soon enough, he forgot about it, and walked along side you with no problem! That's what you were waiting for, for him to forget, so you could surprise him. "Oh," You frown, accidentally dropping your wallet, "Li, can you pick that up for me?" You ask, and he chuckles, bending down only for him to freeze when he felt the device in him whirl to life.
He swallowed thickly, frozen in place. "Darling?" He glanced up at you, and your eyes widened at how red his cheeks were, how disheveled he already looked despite you just turning it on. "Li-"
"Ah," His head fell, lip caught between his teeth and he was quick to grab your wallet and stand up straight, although you noticed the small trembles in his legs. "Hm, f-feels good," he mutters to you, trying hard to bite back moans that threaten to spill.
You two resume your walk, although Zhongli now lags behind a bit, trying to hide his boner behind you, and unable to keep up without making the shifting weight in him worse. You turn it up even higher and he drops to his knees, gasping and gripping at your shirt. "Y/n-" You whip around, looking at everyone who's now staring, a crowd forming. You're quick to help him up, and get him out of there. "Ah, y-y/n, I think-"
"Shh, I know, just hold on for me, okay?" he nods, allowing you to lead him from prying eyes till you're in a back alley way, and you've got him pressed against the wall, your lips connecting to his neck. "You did so good, Li, let me reward you, okay?" He nods, breathy sighs leaving him as you rip open his buttoned shirt, pulling his dick out and turning the vibrator to it's highest setting— you don't even have to touch his dick, because as soon as you turn up the setting he cums, body shaking violently.
"Oh my," You caught his weakened body, turning the vibrator off. "I suppose we'll have to work on your resistance to this before we do this again, huh?" Zhongli nods weakly, burying his red face into your neck— post-orgasm clarity making him realize he's just came in an alley way, how embarrassing, how thrilling.
ੈ♡‧➝ CHILDE
hell yeah! childe might have been the one to bring it up first, actually, he loves the idea of playing in public and trying to remain composed!
surprise but he's actually really good at keeping his reactions in check, and nearly never gets caught bc you two have definitely done this several times! however, it's inevitable that he wouldn't get caught at least once, right?
when childe does get close to getting caught, he gets so pouty and gives you a lil glare all day, guess you'll have to reassure him that he's fine?
"Won't it be fun?" That's all it took to convince Childe to allow you to join him on one of his little initiation ceremonies for the new Fatui members. Placing the vibrator in his tight ass, you kissed at his lower back with a smile. "So pretty, I can't wait for everyone to see you come undone~" You purr, before slapping his ass and telling him you two will be late if he doesn't get dressed now.
At the little initiation, you sat a bit away, watching as he stood amongst the new members— he looked confident, alluring, strong, powerful. You looked at the remote in your hand, and then back up at him and clicked the on button, a low vibration to start.
Nobody seemed to notice the shift in him, but you did. His knees buckling ever-so-slightly and his words coming out a little higher in pitch, but otherwise no noticeable reactions, how sad. He was good at keeping his reactions in check, not letting anyone know. He glanced over at you, before continuing with his speech. How boring. You turn it up higher and he trips over his words, cheeks reddening a bit.
"Master Childe, are you okay?" One new member asked when Childe stopped for a good second. He looked up at them, smiling and nodding, opening his mouth only for you to turn it up higher and his breath to hitch, precum staining his pants. You only snicker when he glares at you, knowing he'll be pouty, but you'll give him kisses to comfort him later.
"Ah, it's hot today, isn't it?" Childe stated, covering for his reddening cheeks and heavy breathing. Damn, he really was good at this, now as long as nobody noticed the small wet patch forming he'd be good.
Too bad you were here to have fun, leaning back against the bench and messing with the settings, going from low to high to low to high to low to high over and over again. His mind started to swirl with his oncoming orgasm, forgetting words and deciding to wrap up the little ceremony quickly before he came in front of all his new subordinates.
As everyone left in confusion, he stomped pass you, making you laugh at his childness. You jog to join him and squeeze his pretty ass, humming and whispering to him. "You impressed me, per usual, don't be pouty, okay? I plan on rewarding you very well~" That changed his mood, him glancing over at you with an intrigued look. "Yeah, that's what I thought."
ੈ♡‧➝ SCARAMOUCHE
scaramouche will laugh in your face, thinking you're joking, before you tell him you're serious.
he'll have to think it over before ultimately agreeing, but there have to be rules— one, not in front for childe or signora, he'd rather die... yeah that's really it. after agreeing to those conditions then he'll do it whenever
scara sucks at this, a massive blush and nearly cumming every other minute, heavy breaths and snapping at anyone who talks to him— cute cute cute!
Scaramouche is already panting heavily, tugging on his shirt to try and hide his boner. Why did you have to go and start the vibrator now? He was trying to focus on punishing some fatui agents for simply being in his way, but now he felt like he was going to get swallowed up in pleasure— he knew nobody would point out the fact he's got a wet patch forming from his precum, but he still hoped nobody noticed anyways.
Where were you even? He kept glancing around, trying to find you, so he could hopefully glare at you enough to get you to stop, but sadly he couldn't spot you. "That's why- uhm, t-that's why- you're dismissed! Go, before I change my mind!" He barked out, scaring off the small crowd he had been giving an earful to seconds ago.
As soon as they all scurried out the room, whispering about how strange he was acting and how flushed he was, you entered with a pout. "Scara, I was hoping you'd be able to hold out a little longer." Scaramouche glares at you now, although it's not very scary when he's dropped to his knees, a massive blush and heavy breaths, trying desperately to hide how hard he is.
"Hnn, t-they're not going to take me seriously now!" he growled, which made you laugh as you approach him, taking his chin and tilting your head with a sickening smile.
"Nobody took you seriously before." His eyes widened a bit before they'll fluttered shut, his head falling back as he humped at his hand. "Look at you right now, humping your own hand, you're about to cum and it's on the lowest setting, no offence, Scara, but that's pathetic."
"You're pathetic." He hisses, before gasping, all oxygen leaving him as his hips stutter to a stop, the small wet patch growing larger as he cums in his pants. You snicker, watching as his face morphs into one of pure humiliation, and he's trying hard not to let tears spill. "Aw, my little crybaby," he moans loudly as overstimulation kicks in, clutching on to your pants, looking up at you with begging eyes. "Hm, I'd love to help you, but you were being so mean... Its only fair I leave you like this," He shakes his head, promising he'll be nicer, just let up, please, please, ple— you turn it off and he shudders, relaxing and letting out a sigh of relief.
"I'll be merciful today, but next time, I'll make sure you cum in front of your precious little subordinates." You turn on your heels, walking off, leaving the breathless Scaramouche craving more of your ruthlessness.
2K notes · View notes
kiidyne · 3 months ago
Text
for the first time - ps
summary: in which sunghoon has to figure out how to properly express his feelings for you
genre: highschool!au, fluff?, angst?, poetry? idk
pairing: sunghoon x reader
word count: 4185
warnings: some metaphorical violence? some kissing lol but nothing too suggestive
note: I LITERALLY WROTE THIS IN MY SPANISH CLASS LAST WEEK AND KINDA TRIED A NEW WRITING STYLE AND DIDN'T REALLY EDIT I'M SORRY IF THIS IS SO BAD OMFG ackkk also, i hope this somewhat makes up for not updating sonder in a while LMFAO also also i snuck some song titles from b:c in so try and find them :P anyways i hope it makes u hate and love hoon all at the same time, i'm gonna go pretend it doesn’t exist ever again <3
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Park Sunghoon doesn’t like having feelings for other people.
Park Sunghoon would much rather spend his waking hours figure skating, shopping, or playing with his dog than thinking about another person.
And that’s why, when Park Sunghoon sees you for the first time, he resents you. He resents how his heart skips a beat when the afternoon breeze pushes your hair out of your face. He resents that when he makes eye contact with you, a plethora of new feelings fills his chest and makes him want to explode. He resents Jake Sim for introducing you to him. 
Park Sunghoon isn’t curious about other people.
He prefers to focus on himself.
So the first time Jake hears your name fall from Sunghoon’s lips in the form of a question, he’s beyond surprised. 
Sunghoon resents you for making him want to know more about you. 
When Jake starts inviting you to eat lunch with his friend group, Sunghoon can’t tell whether he should be grateful or slam Jake’s head into the table. Perhaps he should be grateful. He never talked much in the first place, and now that you were around, he had something else to stare at rather than his own hands. Or perhaps he should slam Jake’s head into the table. The more he admired your existence, the more he didn’t understand what he was supposed to do with the infatuation blooming in his heart.
⊱ ────────── ⊰
Park Sunghoon is not mean.
He can’t even kill a fly without Lee Heeseung having to do it for him.
So when he gives you the cold shoulder, refuses to acknowledge you whenever you’re around him, doesn’t laugh when you say something funny even though everyone else does, and walks away from you whenever you try to talk to him, you can’t understand why. No one understands why. Sure, he usually took a while to warm up to people, but he never rejected anyone new in the friend group.
Sunghoon took an instant liking to Jay Park. They started hanging out by themselves just the week after they first met. Sunghoon looks up to Lee Heeseung more than anyone. He wants to dance and sing as well as he does. Sunghoon has been friends with Jake his entire life. There is no one he trusts more than him. 
Sunghoon treats you like you’re an inconvenience.
You attempt to text him and ask him if he has a problem with you.
Park Sunghoon blocks your phone number.
⊱ ────────── ⊰
The first time you hang out with him outside of school is at a cafe.
Jake had to beg you to go with them, his incentive being that he would pay for your drink and buy you any pastry of your choice. The idea of a free tea and cheese roll was too enticing to pass up.
Sunghoon likes how you look today, but he won’t admit it. Or maybe he does in the way he lightly pushes Jake out of the way and quietly hands the cashier his debit card to pay for your order instead. Behind you, Jay and Heeseung whisper to each other. Jake knows exactly what Sunghoon is thinking. You don’t understand what his motive is.
Park Sunghoon is an enigma.
After he pays for your order, he goes right back to ignoring you. 
Jay cracks a joke and you throw your head back as you laugh, hand coming up to cover your face. Sunghoon doesn’t laugh. He's too busy processing the sound of yours. Remembering it. Turning it into his favorite song. He thinks you’re the most beautiful person he’s ever seen in his entire life. He stops himself from telling you this out loud. 
While you’re caught up in laughter, Jake watches Sunghoon’s face. Jake only ever sees this type of expression on Sunghoon’s face when he accompanies him to the ice rink. Jake sees a certain sparkle in Sunghoon’s eyes that he only ever sees when Sunghoon perfectly lands a triple axel.
Jake can tell that Sunghoon is falling in love. 
⊱ ────────── ⊰
Park Sunghoon doesn’t understand his feelings until he steps foot in the rink.
Understanding begins to sprout in his head when he lands a jump, and wishes you were there to have seen it happen. He wants to impress you. Understanding begins to blossom when he forgets his next move because you take priority in his mind over his routine. Sunghoon has never let anything get in the way of his art before. The occurrence is terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. Sunghoon has never found himself skating for anyone else other than himself before. 
For the first time, Sunghoon imagines what it would be like if someone else was on the ice with him. He imagines his hands grazing your waist. He imagines what it would feel like for his palms to press into your back if he were to lift you. He imagines you in front of him, moving in sync with him as he glides across the rink. 
His coach doesn't think she's ever seen him move so passionately.
Understanding is in full bloom.
Sunghoon never leaves the rink until he’s finished his routine perfectly. Full rotations on every jump. Spins as fast as he can physically muster. Just how he likes it. 
He leaves the rink that night earlier than usual. 
⊱ ────────── ⊰
Silence is only as deadly as one wants it to be.
You think Sunghoon wants you dead.
When you go to Jake's house for the first time, you are the second to arrive after Sunghoon.
Jake announces that he'll be back in five minutes. When he leaves the room, the atmosphere becomes a weight.
Speaking feels illegal. The only way to test the limit of the law is to break it.
"How long are you going to treat me like this?"
Sunghoon makes eye contact with you for the second time ever. Sharp eyes. Closed mouth. Hands gripping his phone tighter.
"I don't know what you're talking about." 
⊱ ────────── ⊰
When Jake wants to go ice skating, you don't refuse. Neither does Sunghoon. 
You are the only one unaware of Sunghoon's talent.
As you lace up your skates, Sunghoon is already stepping out onto the ice. This is the only place that feels more like home to him than home. 
Jake stands next to you, leaning over the edge of the rink. He watches your face as you watch Sunghoon. Your eyes fixate on him, watching. Admiring. Astonished. The rink becomes blurs of bright lights and colors around him. His allure is disrespectful to the beauty of the ice. He draws attention to him and only him.
Ice flares up when he runs the sides of his blades into the ice. He places his clammy hand on the edge of the rink. Head thrown back. Mouth agape. Heavy breathing. Sticky hair against his forehead. 
Gracefulness exists in the form of Park Sunghoon. 
You think he’s most beautiful when he’s in his element. He thinks you’re most beautiful when you exist.
He knows you’re watching him. This is what he wanted. He looks over to you and Jake.
You make eye contact for the third time.
Sunghoon smiles at you for the first time.
The first time Sunghoon touches you is when he takes your hand to help you onto the ice. You dig your toe pick into the ground as you push yourself forward. Sunghoon lets you hold onto his forearm, even if his heart is threatening to rip itself out of his chest. He doesn’t mind how slow you two move. He decides he enjoys skating with you more than setting a new personal best score.
You mumble about how it’s unfair how talented he is. Shades of pink bloom on his cheeks. He mumbles that it’s unfair how attractive you are. You fall on the ice for the first time that night.
Sunghoon laughs. He hasn’t laughed this hard in such a long time. The good kind of painful laughter. He knows in the future, he’ll think about this moment randomly and smile.
You spend the next ten seconds engraving his laughter into your memory instead of picking yourself up. You think that this moment is rare. 
Although, you wish for it not to be.
⊱ ────────── ⊰
Handling feelings is a difficult task.
Sunghoon realizes this at midnight when he and his ceiling come face to face. He has never once found silence to be uncomfortable, and yet he wishes that your voice was around to fill his bedroom. 
He unblocks your number.
Park Sunghoon calls you for the first time.
You don't understand why you didn't ignore his call. You convince yourself that you picked up the phone in case he needed something important. At midnight.
Sunghoon isn’t curious about other people.
Jake told you so.
And yet, Sunghoon asks you what your favorite flower is. Your favorite color. Your taste in music. Your favorite songs. Your favorite movies. Your favorite candle scent. Your go-to meal at restaurants. Your birthday. What your family is like. 
Sunghoon asks you if you believe in love at first sight.
“I don’t know… Do you?” Your voice is laced with caution. There’s a long silence after your words, anticipation growing thicker in the air. Your ceiling feels like it could collapse at any given moment. You can’t see Sunghoon on the other end of the phone when he runs his fingers through his hair. You can’t see the rise and fall of his chest when he takes a deep breath and searches his scattered brain for the right answer.
“Ever since recently, yes.” You can’t see when Sunghoon closes his eyes and sinks his teeth into the plush of his bottom lip. You wish you could take your own answer back. Tell him that you do believe. Sunghoon can’t see you when you pull your blanket over your head. 
“What made you start believing?” 
You know the answer. He knows the answer as well. Your words are an open invitation to profess.
Silence is only as deadly as one wants it to be, and you conclude that Sunghoon wants to kill you tonight.
Sleep takes you in her arms before she takes Sunghoon. He calls out your name, his answer is an empty bedroom. 
He doesn’t hang up the phone.
⊱ ────────── ⊰
The contrast between the gentleness by which he calls out your name and the harshness by which he disregards you is agonizing.
You’re not unintelligent. You’re fast to understand concepts, fast to convert thoughts to words. Quick-witted.
But Sunghoon has no algorithm to him. Now, he won’t even look at you.
Jake asks if you’ve been in a fight with him recently. Questions. Prodding. When you look at Sunghoon, he’s staring at his hands again. Fingers dancing with each other. You wonder if you should tell Jake about the phone call. You decide against it.
“No. Isn’t he usually like this?”
Jake doesn’t want you to think Sunghoon despises you. You know he doesn’t. Jake knows he doesn’t. Jay and Heeseung know he doesn't.
Sunghoon is the only one still trying to convince himself that he does.
⊱ ────────── ⊰
When Jake invites you to his house for the second time, you’re the second to arrive after Sunghoon. He doesn’t bother to look up from his phone to greet you. 
“I’ll be back, I’m gonna let Jay and Heeseung in.” Jake stands up to leave the room. He gives you a remorseful glance before he exits.
Heavy air. Deadly silence. Law-breaking.
“Do you have a problem with me or what?” The words leave your lips before you have the opportunity to contemplate them. Sunghoon’s lips are tight. The grip on his phone is tighter. He stares at you with apologetic eyes. His gaze contrasts his agreement.
“Yeah. I do.”
Jay and Heeseung’s presence lifts the room. You’re grateful. 
When the movie plays, neither you nor Sunghoon are focused on it. Sitting on the floor. He scoots closer to you. Caution shooting through his fingertips. He places his hand over yours. His knee bumps into yours. Your mouth parts, then closes again. No protest. You close the gap. Your head falls on his shoulder.
He holds onto your hand like if he lets go, he’ll lose you.
⊱ ────────── ⊰
Today, you wonder if Sunghoon is just a character you’ve made up in your mind. Someone to fulfill the romantic fantasies from your daydreams. He never felt real in the first place. His existence is inconsistent. Perhaps you have him mixed up with someone else.
Today, Sunghoon walks past you like you don’t exist.
Jake watches you intently. Sharp features. Lost eyes. Pursed lips. He cannot tell if you’re angrier about Sunghoon ignoring you, or the seeming casualness of it all. He treats you like he doesn’t spend movie nights at Jake’s house holding on to you like his life depends on it. Or like he’s capable of falling asleep without knowing you’re on the other end of his phone. 
You figure it’ll be harder to fall out of love than to fall in love. Still, it’ll be of less difficulty than trying to play Sunghoon’s game.
When you get home that day, Sunghoon attempts to call you. Your fingers hover over the green button. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. The phone rings out until the silence of your room deafens it.
This is the first time you block Sunghoon’s phone number.
⊱ ────────── ⊰
Sunghoon looks for you with desperation. 
While he isn’t supposed to be curious about other people, he asks Jake where you are.
“Eating lunch with some other friends, I think.” Jake states plainly. He’s a terrible liar, but he knows you’re tired of Sunghoon. You want to stop inconveniencing him. Sunghoon doesn’t understand how to handle his feelings. You’re tired of waiting for him to figure out how, though he wishes you were patient enough for him to learn.
Distance holds your relationship at gunpoint. The pads of her fingers rest on the trigger. You command her to pull it.
She’s never been one to listen well.
Sunghoon hates looking like a lost puppy. Racing across campus. Scanning eyes. Searching. Soft drizzles of raindrops hit the concrete. Rain is more susceptible to hitting you when you’re moving through it rather than standing still.
When Sunghoon finds you, he’s drenched. He finds you eating lunch alone. An unwelcoming bench. Umbrella propped. Away from everyone else. He forces himself to walk up to you. To take your hands and pull you onto your feet. 
Sunghoon hugs you for the first time.
It’s not ideal. His body is cold when it presses against yours. But when his arms wrap around your waist, you can’t help but feel safe. 
You shouldn’t. It doesn’t feel right.
Sunghoon lets apologies fall from his lips. Begs for you to come back. His voice is starting to get irritating.
You tilt your head up to press your lips against his. He smiles against your mouth. Hands resting on your waist. Playing with the hem of your shirt. Slipping under. Feeling the bareness of your back. Fingers tangled in his hair. Dancing on the nape of his neck. Cupping his jaw. A pitter-patter of rain. You concur that his problem is that he can’t spend a day without you.
You and Sunghoon’s first kiss isn’t ideal. In fact, it shouldn’t have even happened. 
But it does.
You want it to happen again.
⊱ ────────── ⊰
Jake knows you well enough to know when you’re hiding something from him.
When you talk about Sunghoon like he’s a hindrance instead of working on physics homework, his suspicions grow. Jake has always been an observant kid. He thinks you talk about Sunghoon just a bit too much. He doesn’t wish to upset you. He just doesn’t think you know what you’re talking about.
“What happened between you?”
“Nothing.”
Jake knows you well enough to know when you’re lying straight to his face.
“You’re falling for him, aren’t you?”
Your intelligence is comparable to Jake’s. You study and ace tests together. However, he's always been just one step ahead. And in this moment, nothing occupies your mind except for the remembrance of the feeling of Sunghoon’s lips pressed against your own, cold rain against your back, wet hair entangled between your fingers. He tasted like vanilla.
A shiver runs down your spine.
“I don’t want to.”
⊱ ────────── ⊰
Nothing is allowed to take priority in Sunghoon’s life over skating.
He refuses to talk to anyone days before he has to compete. Days are spent on schoolwork. Nights are spent on the ice. Preparing. Working. Elegance earns its definition under the blades of Sunghoon's skates. 
Sunghoon has listened to You Are The Reason so often that although Heeseung is the one with perfect pitch, he swears he can name the notes of every piano chord composed.
When Sunghoon takes breaks, he lays in the middle of the rink, legs straight, arms spread. He wishes he could hear your voice again. He watches the entrance of the rink, hoping that you’ll walk in with Jake. 
You never appear.
For the first time, Sunghoon finds difficulty in recentering his focus. He is still imagining your waist under his hands, whether it be as he molds his lips against yours or guides you along the ice.
He thinks if he falls one more time, the ice might leave a bruise on his knees.
⊱ ────────── ⊰
Jake drags you to the arena fiercely. He doesn’t tell you why. Running up stairs. Choosing a few seats.
It isn’t until you see Sunghoon stepping onto the ice that you understand why you’re there. To watch. You know what Jake wants. For admiration to sneak her hands around your throat. To encase you. Trap you in. 
Sunghoon looks like he’s searching for something. Realization doesn’t hit until he locks eyes with you. Turning his head away quickly. A tingly feeling in his stomach. He’ll just have to apologize later for disappearing again.
He takes home another silver medal.
⊱ ────────── ⊰
Three soft knocks on your front door.
Sunghoon decides he can’t find his focus anywhere except in your arms.
Doors swing open, your mouth is on his before you can barely process what’s happening. Feet moving instinctively. Carrying you to your room. Swollen lips and clashing teeth. His fingertips find their home in the small of your back. Pulling you closer. He’s feverishly warm.
“Stop leaving me.” It leaves your lips as a whisper. His chest rumbles with a groan of approval. Whether or not he keeps his word is the only thought on your mind. 
-
His head is on your lap. Watching a movie that neither of you are really watching. He traces shapes into your thighs. Fingers playing with his hair. Timid air, an atmosphere begging to be shattered.
“What are we... doing?” Your question is genuine. Park Sunghoon is a puzzle you’re getting tired of trying to solve. He has no strategy. No algorithm. No handbook or instructions. 
Sunghoon responds by pulling your head down to him. A soft, longing kiss. You wonder who, between the both of you, will go insane first. 
This is the first time Sunghoon falls asleep in a bed that isn’t his own.
⊱ ────────── ⊰
“We’re going to be late for school.” You remark, attempting to peel yourself from the sheets.
He pulls you down. Arms wrapped around your waist. A tender kiss pressed to your shoulder. He has you drunk on his touch. Too dazed to think straight.
“Let’s just stay here for a bit.” Just a moment longer. Sunghoon doesn’t want to let go. As soon as he leaves, he doesn’t know the next time he’ll be back. He pulls you in tighter. He believes that losing this moment might really just kill him. He wants to imprint himself into your skin. Sunghoon wants to be remembered.
It’s never like you to skip class without a good reason. Diligence is paired with your name often. ‘A bit’ turns into too long. Regret doesn’t even breathe in your head. You’ll just have to make up an excuse to Jake later.
You cook breakfast for the first time in too long. A whiff of coffee floods your nose. His voice fills every hallway, every room, everywhere it's never been  before. Home hasn't felt this much like home for a while now. 
When he leaves, he also leaves his ghost. Blurry memories forever linger in your room. The indent in your mattress. His scent on your sheets. Visions of his figure sitting on the edge of your bed.
You want him back as soon as he’s gone.
⊱ ────────── ⊰
You know what it’s like to miss someone. Even if you don’t want to. Especially if you don’t want to.
You curse yourself for doing so. For not wanting to go back to sleeping without your back pressed against his chest. You wonder if you have this much of an impact on him as he has on you.
You don’t even think you’re supposed to feel this way about him.
It’s wrong how inconsistent he is. Irritating and confusing.
But when he exists, he does so beautifully. He’s captivating. You would trade anything if it just meant one more minute with him.
⊱ ────────── ⊰
Jake Sim is criminally observant.
Even in a bustling cafe, he can tell Sunghoon is playing with his fingers more than usual. His drink is getting cold. He avoids Jake’s eyes. Small sounds come from Heeseung’s phone. Jay adjusts the chain dangling from his neck. 
Sunghoon smells waiting in the air. They want him to speak. To say it. To hear the words come from him. Jay crosses his arms. Heeseung places his phone face down on the table. Sunghoon looks up. Jake raises an eyebrow at him.
“I think I’m in love.”
Sunghoon takes a sip from his drink right after. Jake smiles. Jay rolls his eyes and pulls his phone out of his pocket. Heeseung nods silently. Jake runs his fingers through his hair. He assumes it’s his turn to respond.
“We know.”
⊱ ────────── ⊰
Sunghoon understands what nervousness is.
 The last time you were at this cafe, Sunghoon undeniably fell in love with you, although he could spend hours denying it. Or at least trying to. He knows better now. Having feelings for you isn’t wrong. Admiration isn’t wrong. Making room in his life for someone other than himself isn’t wrong. It isn’t weak. It isn’t deadly.
Falling in love with you isn’t wrong.
He searches with timid eyes. Darting back and forth from his phone to the door of the cafe.
When you walk in, Sunghoon swears his heart stops for a moment.
You see him and your stomach twists. Jake said you were meeting him today. Lies. You want to turn to leave. Step out and immediately call Jake and ask him what he was thinking. Locked eyes. Sunghoon motions for you to sit down across from him. Compliance.
There’s a drink waiting for you on the table, the same one you ordered last time. The same one he paid for. Twice now. You try to convince yourself that the label on your cup is more interesting than Sunghoon’s face.
His hand travels to his nape. He has trouble finding your eyes. Gaze cast to the side.
Waiting. This time, you don’t want to be the first to speak.
Sunghoon breaks the silence for the first time.
“You’ve unraveled me in ways I could’ve never imagined.”
He doesn’t play with his fingers anymore. He reaches out and takes your hand in his. Staring. Silently asking you to look at him. Eyes following his.
A smirk growing on your lips. Playful, cocky eyes. “Are you thanking me?” 
“Would it be wrong to thank you for teaching me what falling in love is like?”
Suddenly, the air is so much thicker. His gaze is worrisome. Had he said too much? It didn’t matter. There was no going back now.
“I love you.” Words you never thought you’d hear fall from his lips. 
A smirk turns into a smile. A smile he swears is designed just for him. One filled with comfort. Safety. Security. 
“Stay with me.” You almost plead. Your hand squeezes his.
“Always.”
⊱ ────────── ⊰
Park Sunghoon still doesn’t understand feelings sometimes.
He would still rather figure skate, go shopping, and play with his dog rather than think about another person. He still dislikes being curious about other people.
But still, he finds himself searching for you everywhere. During lunch on campus. When Jake wants to hang out. In the audience at his competitions. 
When he makes eye contact with you before he steps out onto the rink, he finds himself falling in love with the butterflies in his stomach. When he skates, he searches for your body under his fingertips between the piano chords of his compositions. 
Park Sunghoon is a gold medalist that night.
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jojaqualityheadcanons · 6 months ago
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SDV's 1.5 update contains content that plays into racist, colonialist, and imperialist myths and beliefs.
Disclaimer: I loved SDV (which is a given, considering I have an SDV sideblog lol?), and I'm not writing this post to get people to boycott the game or stop liking it or whatever. I just want people to understand why this content is harmful, how it might be affecting your biases and beliefs, and think of how they can engage with this media without exacerbating the harm that it does. I'm Filipino, and I don't speak for all POC or all brown people, but I felt deeply hurt and betrayed by the content update. Please keep that in mind before you interact with this post. Explanation under the cut because of 1.5 spoilers (obviously) and because this got long.
(I will block people who clown on this post. Keep your opinions to yourself unless you also have firsthand experience with the issues I describe.)
Background
I was already wary of the 1.5 content update because of how the previews featured ~tropical~ and ~exotic~ stuff, but I decided to give it a shot because maybe I was being too hasty with my judgment.
I wasn't. I made a new save to play with the 1.5 content update, and at first, I was having a great time! The new special orders made gameplay more exciting and varied! I could finally get rid of the nursery from my house without mods! The remixed junimo bundles made me change my usual game strategy. And then, I finally unlocked Ginger Island.
It seemed cool at first, but I had a sinking feeling growing in the pit of my stomach as I kept playing. It got to the point that I started nursing a stomach ache and lots of anger that took me days to shake off. I know SDV has never been a shining example of racial/ethnic diversity and sensitivity (I mean... there's a reason why mods like Diverse Stardew Valley and a bunch of other diversity mods exist lol). But while the lack of diversity in the pre-1.5 content is more of a missed opportunity, the 1.5 content is just... actively harmful and hurtful, imo. Here's a breakdown of the issues with the setting and the characters:
The Setting
Ginger Island, along with the Fern Islands in general, is a tropical island that is clearly based on islands in the Pacific. Its features include fertile soil and an abundance of natural, foragable resources. And for some unknown reason, it has no native human population.
Many islands in the world are uninhabited by humans, and there's always a good reason why. The island's environment may be too hostile, it could be too small to sustain human life, it could be sacred or otherwise culturally unacceptable to live there, or some disaster may have occurred to wipe out the local population or cause them to flee. Some uninhabited islands are nature reserves or privately owned. The point is that if an island is habitable, people are bound to call it home.
Writing Ginger Island as an uninhabited "tropical paradise" feels like a copout. It's as if the game is saying, "don't worry, you're not colonizing this land because no one really lives here! You're not stealing this land or anything because it's up for grabs and is just waiting for the right person to come along to develop it and turn it into a resort for other people who don't live here!" But that claim rings hollow when there are so many signs of civilization there, such as literal computers and ancient structures. And the canon reason for the existence of these things is that dwarves, non-human creatures, lived there once. I just think it's ridiculous and harmful that the game completely ignores and erases the existence of the people who lived and still live in the places that Ginger Island is based on and goes even further to use non-human creatures as stand-ins. I don’t think I have to explain why this isn’t good, considering that people of color have been compared to animals and treated like animals to dehumanize us and justify our oppression for ages.
To really hammer in my point about whitewashing and erasure, all the human labor on the island is done by a flock of parrots that you pay with golden walnuts (i. e., resources that you get for free from the island they live on). There's even an anthropomorphized bird who's a shopkeep! I get that creating a whole cast of human NPCs to fill a town would have been way too much work for a content update, but CA didn't need to use a bunch of animals as stand-ins for non-white human characters. There’s a troubling trend of creators prioritizing animal characters over characters of color, and CA plays right into it. He seriously chose to create more anthro characters instead of adding characters of color to the game in a setting that in real life has populations that are primarily made up of brown people. The game includes brown people's land and cultures, but it draws the line at brown people themselves.
The erasure of brown people and the portrayal of our lands as wild and untamed have been used to sanitize the narrative of colonialism for centuries. Pretending that our lands were wild tropical paradises that were ripe for the taking is pretending that colonizing forces didn't use violent, dehumanizing means to subjugate or wipe out countless peoples and cultures in order to make these lands available. Ginger Island's erasure of brown people just perpetuates this colonialist myth, and the context in which it does so disgusts me: the farmer, who already runs a successful farm that was inherited from their grandfather, goes off to a tropical island they have no personal connection to and uses its natural resources to expand their business further. They also open up a resort on the island for the enjoyment of other privileged people from their homeland, and going there is treated as a luxury. This is a classic colonizer narrative, and I cannot believe the game forces players to colonize an island in order to win.
The Characters
I'm honestly amazed that the amount of feedback about the lack of diversity in SDV didn't prompt CA to create characters of color. I'm amazed that he chose the setting he did and still didn't bother to create any characters of color. The fact that all three of the new human characters who live on this tropical island are white makes me go a little apeshit, to be honest! I hate all three of them for a variety of reasons, so I'll go over them one by one:
Birdie
My reasons for not liking Birdie are primarily related to misogyny (lady spent literal decades in isolation on this island moping over her dead husband?) and ageism (if you tell her to live her own life, she tells you that she's too old to???). Sooo they're not really related to the rest of my discussion here, and I won't get into them further. Moving on!
Professor Snail
White historians, archaeologists, and paleontologists have been stealing and plundering artifacts, relics, and fossils from colonized lands for centuries. These white scientists would send their “discoveries” back to their homelands with little regard for the people they stole from. I’ll acknowledge that Professor Snail doesn’t bring the bones and fossils off the island, so his character isn’t as awful as it could be, but he still canonically has this line:
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I really just don’t understand why it was necessary to make this character white when making him a character of color could have easily prevented the uncomfortable real-world implications of a white man coming to a foreign land to plunder fossils without asking anybody for permission. If he he’d been created as someone who traced his ancestry to Ginger Island and wanted to study the island’s biological history, his character could have been so sympathetic and even admirable to me! But his character as it is just makes me think of this meme:
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Here are some links for further reading about colonialism in paleontology and other social sciences: 1, 2, 3, 4.
Leo
I had a hard time figuring out how to write about this character because the way CA wrote him is arguably one of the most racist parts of SDV. So many aspects of his character left me speechless and appalled because I cannot believe people are still writing shit like this in the 2020s.
I’ll start off with his storyline: this white child gets stranded on an island and is raised by animals. When the farmer meets him, he speaks in broken English to show how “wild” he is:
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As the farmer continues to interact with him, he begins to speak more “proper” English:
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Wow... he’s becoming more “civilized” because of the farmer’s influence!
As his story progresses, he reveals that he’s lonely because he doesn’t fit in among the other birds. Eventually, he leaves behind his non-human family and assimilates into a primarily white, Western-coded society because that’s supposedly where he belongs.
This whole storyline is made possible by the problems with the setting that I mentioned earlier. Leo wouldn’t feel so lonely and out of place if there were people on the island. He wouldn’t be depicted as wild and animal-like if he had an adoptive family made up of humans instead of parrots. But because CA chose not to have native human characters on this island, Leo can only be around other people if he leaves his home and family behind. As a result, Leo’s story has very uncomfortable parallels with how colonizers have historically separated indigenous children from their families and cultures and forced them to assimilate into the dominant colonizer culture because they considered indigenous cultures to be savage and barbaric (1) (2).
Leo’s whole narrative unintentionally implies that a good life in a good community can only be had in civilized white Western societies. I’m honestly having trouble with further explaining why Leo’s whole character makes me feel so gross, so just read up on the White Man’s Burden, The Jungle Book and other works by Rudyard Kipling (1) (2) (3) (4) (5, PDF download link), and even Tarzan (1) (2).
Leo’s character is also used to further whitewash non-white cultures: 
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Poi is a Polynesian dish. Mango sticky rice, which is also a recipe that Leo teaches you in-game, is a Thai dish. In the letter, Leo says that the dish is from his home and enjoyed by his non-human family. Considering that he probably learned these recipes on Ginger Island, and that the only “people” who could have taught him this recipe are literal animals, including these recipes in the game in this way just reinforces the equation of brown people to animals. I’m not Polynesian or Thai, but I know that if CA had included a Filipino recipe in the game and not only had it taught to players by a white character, but also passed off as something from the white character’s culture, I’d be angry. I’ll repeat myself: The game features brown people's food and cultures, but it draws the line at brown people themselves.
I don’t think there’s any way to tweak or edit Leo’s character to fix the issues I described. No matter how we change things, he’s still an orphan raised by animals coded as indigenous people, and he assimilates into the dominant white Western culture. The only way to address these issues is to completely redo his character and even the setting of Ginger Island. Here are some options that I’ve thought of:
Leo is related to someone in the Valley and stays with them for part of the year.
Leo lives with his human family and community on Ginger Island.
Leo’s parents are specifically from Stardew Valley/Pelican Town and he wants to visit in order to reconnect with his heritage.
This list isn’t comprehensive, but it does show that there are so many alternatives to having yet another Mowgli story in Stardew Valley.
Conclusion
I don’t think that CA had bad intentions when he made this content, but the fact is that he did create this content. I’m not calling him a bad person. However, he does have a lot of racist, imperialist, and colonialist biases that he has yet to unlearn. Considering the setting and subject matter of the new 1.5 content, he really should have hired some sensitivity readers to avoid creating harmful content. The man’s sold over ten million copies of his game, and he certainly has the resources to put together a sensitivity team.
I can’t look at Stardew Valley the same way I did before 1.5, but I’m not going to condemn the game as a whole. I might play the game again someday, but I absolutely won’t be going back to Ginger Island. If you’ve enjoyed the Ginger Island content, then good for you! Please just keep all that I’ve written here in mind and accept that that content hurts some people like me.
If you’re a content creator, I urge you to get sensitivity readers if you’re featuring  cultures that you’re not a part of to avoid making the same mistakes that I’ve discussed here. Creating from a place of understanding and respect can only make your work better and more accessible to a wider audience, especially to the people whose culture you’re borrowing.
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jae-ren · 5 months ago
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mr. and mrs. jaeger (eren x reader x zeke)
except ... who's your mr. jaeger? perhaps both?
info: zeke x reader x eren ; modern au cw: infidelity, (lowkey) polyamory, rough sex, edging, overstimulation, oral (f. receiving), breeding kink, possessive zeke + eren but in odd ways, grisha and carla ignore this is happening to their daughter in law, mentions of semi-public sex, spanking, etc. an: still on hiatus/break! but i just realized i hit 2k while i was gone, and so i'm releasing this draft to thank you all for 2k! hopefully you enjoy this my lovely flowers <3 (may write future parts to this bc i had more planned to write when i had time but not for a long time lol)
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mondays are universally acknowledged as being terrible.
but you are one of the lucky few whose monday is far from terrible, edging more on terrific.
on the topic of edging: eren pulls away his mouth from your cunt just as the knot building in you is ready to unravel for the n-th time, mouth and chin glazed with your slick. he uses his tongue to lick his lips, the pink muscle that had just been lapping at your folds reminding you just what you had lost access to.
"eren," you breathe, sinking lower on the wall. eren's left hand that had been pinning your hip to the wall, however, lifts you right back, his callouses and cool silver rings pressing into the soft plush skin at the junction of your hips.
"mmh," eren hums when you hiss at the bruising press. he lifts his hand away. "that left a mark." he traces his thumb over the snake print indentation from his ring of a snake wrapping around his middle finger, and that lessens the pain just a bit.
though, you're craving your orgasm so much that the pain only made you miss eren's mouth more.
"please," you whisper, voice cracking. you toss your head back into the wall, closing your eyes so as to not face him. "i'm begging you."
"doesn't sound like enough begging to me," eren drawls, looking mischievous from the glint in his green eyes. "show me what that mouth can do, mrs. jaeger."
your face heats up as your lips part to let out a small gasp. "eren, what did i say about calling me-"
a knock at the door. your heart skips a beat. oh no.
"eren?"
you recognize that voice instantly. it's grisha jaeger, your father in law. oh no oh no oh no rings in your head like church bells.
"eren, have you seen-"
"no!" eren yells back, slapping your cunt as he does, eliciting a hiss and a gasp at once from you.
"is someone with you?" grisha asks.
eren grins as you slap a hand over your mouth to cover your feminine tone.
"no again, dad," eren says, still grinning widely.
"well, if you do, tell the newest mrs. jaeger that zeke is looking for her," grisha says, his sigh carrying through eren's bedroom door. "trouble in paradise it seems. well anyway, carla's calling for dinner."
you breathe a sigh of relief that he didn't ask to enter, and sink into the wall a bit, eren's grasp letting you indulge in that relief. though ... the danger still exists that grisha would ask to come in, would see his daughter-in-law with the wrong son.
that's right. you were mrs. zeke jaeger, contrary to the image of the man kneeling between your legs right now. you're well aware of the irony present in this moment: your father-in-law just outside of the door where his youngest son is crouching underneath the cunt of the woman married to his oldest son.
eren looks up at you through the thick line of dark lashes lining his forest green eyes. they're narrowed in a kind of sadistic pleasure as his lips are curved into a smirk, his expression relaying his awareness of the irony, too.
"i might not come down to dinner," eren says after a pause, sliding a finger over your slit. his fingers find your clit and presses down just as he says: "eating something sweet right now."
you moan into your mouth, and the sound of your own voice drowns out whatever grisha says, eren's fingers working up a rhythmic motion that drives you to deliriousness.
"did you hear that, beautiful?" eren asks, slipping out his slick stained fingers before popping that into his mouth.
you shake your head as eren sucks dramatically, the hollows of his cheeks high and pointed on account of his sharp cheekbones.
"you know what he said to me?" eren says after finishing. he pauses, takes some time to laugh heartily, a deep yet gentle rumbling from his chest not too dissimilar from his usual tone of voice. his deep voice reminded you of rocks clattering under footsteps, but his laughter reminded you of pebbles being thrown into water, oddly enough.
"c'mon!
"to play nice with you, mrs. jaeger." and before you know what's coming, eren's mouth busies itself in between your legs again. his tongue works quickly, swiftly, and soon he couples the motions of his mouth with his long fingers, making languid strokes. the orgasm that you had been waiting for, the one that eren had held back from you countless moments ago - comes so quickly you feel as if you've taken those rocks and placed them in your pockets to drown in the depths eren's touch generates.
eren relishes in your reaction. the hot wash of shame and arousal over your body that he can just feel radiating; the fact that he's made your knees weak, that you can only rely on his strength to hold you up; the fact that your engagement ring and wedding band still on your left hand mark you as someone else's but his touch makes you his in this moment... all of that is gratifying on its own.
besides. he had the rest of this family getaway to make the rest of you his, too.
but first - dinner.
-
"how's your coursework?" zeke asks, gently lifting his glasses higher on the bridge of his nose before picking his utensils up again. collar and tie sitting neat, spine straight, posture elegant, cutting motions into the lamb sharp, zeke is every bit exemplifying his status as the perfect eldest son following in his famous surgeon father's footsteps.
eren grunts, shrugging his shoulders. his sits in stark contrast against his brother: long torso hunched over such that his tanned skin peeks through the openings of his charcoal grey button-up, and equally long legs spread open. he's opted out of cutting the roast lamb into pieces, settling on biting and wrenching the meat in his mouth. while there is still an aura of elegance to him - courtesy of his upbringing and influence from both his mother, his father, and even his step-mother - it is still so different from zeke.
for a moment there is silence, just the sound of the dinner members cutting into their food. but you can see carla's gaze, and you know soon the silence will be interrupted.
"same as always," eren finally says when he catches carla's icy cold glare. "same rinse and repeat routine of lectures, labs, and rotations."
zeke nods, speaks wistfully: "i remember those days in med school. terrible, but it gets better."
"not like i wanted to go in the first place," eren says, tone biting. he doesn't allow zeke to indulge in his memories.
zeke bristles, dropping his silver utensils with a clang as they land on the glass dishware. you flinch at the sound, losing hope that maybe, just maybe, this family dinner wouldn't have an argument between the two rather rambunctious pair of brothers.
"i only wanted the best for my little brother!" zeke exclaims, voice getting louder, chest puffing out.
"zeke," you say, voice soothing and calm. "relax. it's true, and eren knows it. but he's also allowed to have regrets." you try to advocate for eren without going directly against zeke, and that becomes clearly successful as zeke visibly relaxes at your words.
grisha clears his throat, and you glance at him. "i agree with you, and eren, zeke, we've discussed this, remember?"
eren sighs. "no more-"
"arguments at the dinner table," zeke finished.
it is in this moment where it feels like the two are not grown adult men, their heads bowed as they repeat their father's rule. at the comic nature of it, you laugh, which directs both jaeger brother's attention in your direction.
you freeze under the intensity of their eyes - eren's green and zeke's blue being all you can see like your vision is simply the waves of the ocean coming at you.
carla's words break this moment.
"how's the newly wedded life?" she asks, taking a sip of her red wine after posing the question. "grisha and i were quite-"
"ah, ah, carla," grisha chides. "my two sons are here."
you roll your eyes, as does carla, and the two of you smile at each other when you realize you both reacted the same way.
zeke speaks first. "wonderful, amazing. all the positive words."
eren snorts. and you mentally prepare yourself for zeke's reaction, which of course, he delivers in full.
"thank you, eren," zeke forcefully says, "for introducing me to this lovely woman. who would have thought your misadventures as an artist would bring my future wife into my life?"
you laugh, sound wobbly out of fear of conveying either too much or too little. "very funny, though i wouldn't call it misadventures."
as the conversation turns in another direction, and you absentmindedly push food around on your plate, you think back to the so called "misadventure" that had led to this situation.
you and eren had met at a painting class, where he had smeared paint all over you accidentally. or at least, you had assumed it was accidental back then. it was only when you got engaged to his brother zeke did eren finally reveal his attraction to you, that he had spilled paint purposefully. at that point, you had rebuffed him, having been fully in love with zeke. and you still were - only, you loved eren, too, and your body craved both jaeger men.
it was several months into the engagement, at which point you and zeke weren't speaking to each other, when you had finally opened the dam of your feelings for eren, too. the two of you had been trapped in the mountains together while scouring for winter wedding locations, with zeke being unable to make it do his work hours. and let's just say a luxury lodge, plus two sexually frustrated adults, where emotions were already high to begin with for a variety of conflict related reasons - is a recipe for disaster. or for delight, if you ignore the infidelity.
which, for now, you were keen to ignore.
a kick from eren takes you out of your daze, and you nearly drop your fork in surprise. you realize that zeke had been calling out your name for some time now, and by the glare in his gaze, you know you've annoyed him.
"as i was asking, do you mind leaving this family getaway a few days early?"
you frown immediately. "well-" yes, you did mind. but certainly not for any acceptable reason.
"she's helping me," eren blurts. it wasn't accidental, though. his tone was purposeful. "with anatomy."
you're thankful to not be chewing on something because you would've choked at his wording.
"um-"
"how so?" zeke asks, his nose furrowing. in that moment you realize how similar the brothers' features could be at times, as the furrowing of his nose reminded you all too much of eren's, the button tip scrunching over the long and thin bridge.
"well, when would paint together," you say, scrambling for a lie, knowing that eren intended his phrase for shock value and would not have had a lie to back it up. "eren's anatomy was absolute shit. pardon my language."
carla laughs. "oh, please continue."
you wonder if she'd laugh if she knew what lie you were covering up. shaking your head of the thought, you follow carla's request.
"so when he comes to me asking to help him memorize anatomy, it became clear that i could help him out using a different viewpoint than what his professors probably teach." you finish rapidly, breathless from your quickly formed lie.
"that's wonderful," grisha says, bringing his hands together. "zeke, i think you should take a break from work. and that's coming from me!"
you laugh, only to stop at his next words.
"besides - all the more time to give us some grandchildren."
-
"you heard what grisha said," zeke says, caressing your face as your mouth lolls open lazily. he thrusts into you, hard and fast. "need ta' fuck a child into you."
it's during sex when zeke unravels: his carefully coiffed hair is mussed to a mess of blond waves, and his wording and his phrasing are no longer delicate and purposeful but mean and brash and - oh, he drives you crazy.
"zeke!" you scream, hands desperately trying to grab a hold of your sheets, knees shifting them as zeke pounds into you from behind. "i can't - anymore!" the two of you have been fucking for so long, your brain is at its end from all the overstimulation of your multiple orgasms. and the one that's building ...
"ah!" you cry, the first of several that come out of you. his hands are grabbing onto the softness of your hips with a rough manner and at your exclamations, his grip tightens. you know there'll be fingerprints embedded into your skin, darkening bruises by tomorrow morning.
"louder, beautiful," zeke breathes, gently moving your hair from your back forward so he can kiss the back of your neck. it's a wet kiss, and when his mouth leaves you, the cooling sensation as his saliva evaporates on your skin is yet another sensation to add to your list. "let the whole house know who your cunt belongs to."
"mmhh," you moan, when zeke angles his hips in a way that hits your walls just right, making you curl your toes. finally, one hand loosens from your hips to find your clit between the two of you, and between his cock and his fingers, you're a done deal: waves of hot and cold pleasure wash over you as every nerve in your body tingles.
and for him, as customary, the feeling of your clenching walls as you cum around his dick is enough to make him orgasm, and you feel the gush of his cum again. it pools out of you when he pulls out after emptying himself inside you.
you collapse on the bed, turning around to lay on your back, zeke hovering above you. the ceiling light shines above him, placing his entire body in the shadows, and yet you can see him in his glory: all chiseled abs and tight cords of muscle, his jaw sharp and square. if anything, the harsh contrast of light and dark from that angle only underlines his handsomeness.
"zeke," you say, bringing your hands into his blond hair, letting your fingers tangle in his soft blond curls. "you're so handsome." you say it like a confession, and zeke preens under your touch, smirking. he kisses you deeply, all the while slipping his fingers over your dripping cunt, and sloppily shoving semen through your slit.
"there," he says, parting from your lips. as if he's just finished a masterpiece, he says: "done."
you're too tired from sex to laugh, this being one of the many orgasms of this night, but your chest shakes as you exhale one out with your breath.
zeke watches your breasts shakes from the movement with a hungry lust.
"you know," he begins. "we love your tits so much."
you grin dumbly, eyes closing as you can feel yourself dozing, ready to sleep for hours. only when you realize the pluralization of his statement, your eyes snap open.
"we?" you ask, voice squeaking.
"we," zeke says, nodding. "eren and i."
your mouth falls open. your thoughts cease. for a moment, all there is is the sound of blood in your ears like holding a seashell up to them, waves and waves and waves that feel like it lasts forever and not at all for a second at once.
"i'm sorry, wh-"
"are you apologizing?" zeke lays down beside you, and so you look at the ceiling instead of into his clear blue eyes. the ceiling is clear, a cream color that matches the color scheme of the room. you're grateful for the neutral view instead of his deep ocean eyes.
"oh," you say, heart hammering. you weren't apologizing. "just asking a clarifying question."
"i would like to hear one," zeke says. "but i don't need one."
"i-i'm sorry," you say, at a loss for words besides these ones. what was going on? you were still confused about the -
"if you're thinking about the "we," it's simple," zeke says. "i found out."
you swallow. so he knew. "and?"
"to be honest - i was angry. so angry. it was the night i tied you up and-"
"spanked me for the first time," you whispered, thinking back to the so called night. zeke had been so livid that night - but you hadn't known why. just that he'd made you undress immediately, had fucked you in the entryway with the doorknob pressing into the middle of your ass, the hard metal of his belt slapping into your skin, and then replaced the belt with his hand when he finally managed to get you to the bed.
zeke chuckles dryly. "glad you remember. you wanna know how i found out?"
you sighed, eyes closing. it was obvious. "eren told you."
zeke snaps his fingers. "that's the one. we got into a terrible argument. i said some bad things. and then he said the worst thing."
you didn't say anything to explain yourself. there really wasn't anything there.
"but then - the next day, eren storms into my office, saying -" here, zeke pauses, sits up, and puffs up his chest with a bravado you know he is trying to imitate from eren. "we can share."
"we can share?" you ask, incredulous.
"well, not exactly. more along the lines of - actually, hold on a moment. hear it straight from the horse's mouth." zeke opens his mouth wide, so wide you can see the back of his throat, and calls out for eren. it would be comical if you weren't still in a state of shock. in a few moments, eren is here, dressed in nothing but a pair of grey sweatpants.
he raises an eyebrow at the sight of you, hair tossed this way and that, cheeks hot and skin shiny with sweat. most of your body is covered by the sheets, but your chests are bare for his eyes to rove over.
"you told her? after you fucked her?" eren says, closing the door behind him.
"yeah," zeke says, waving his hands. "now, tell her what you told me, you fucker."
eren snorts. he steps closer to you, walking over to your side of the bed. he leans down low, his long brown waves brushing the tips of your nipples. you can smell the mint as he opens his mouth.
"your cunt belongs to us jaegers," eren says, his plush lips slowly contorting as he spreads out his syllables. "mrs. jaeger doesn't have to just mean one of us."
-
and so, that's how you spend the rest of the getaway, which consists of three more mondays for you to enjoy.
in the mornings, while zeke tackles his emails and work from home, eren fucks you in every room of the vacation house. in his bedroom, first and foremost, where he thrusts into you so hard the headboard has left an indentation in the walls. in the laundry room, where he bends you over the washer, shoving your sundress up and your panties away for his fat cock to fill you up. in the pool, water sloshing around your bodies as he fucks you quickly, pretending to be tying up your swimsuit because the pool is in clear view from where carla and grisha are sitting and reading. you do give him anatomy lessons, too, where eren trails fingers over the various parts of your body, sometimes his tongue, trailing arteries and circuits over your skin with a knowledge that makes you even wetter for him before he finally splits you open with his dick.
and in the evenings, while eren studies for his exams, zeke fucks you to sleep. each and every time, he draws out so many orgasms from you in so many different ways; it's a blissful existence. he'll take you gently sometimes, cooing soft and beautiful phrases into your ear: so beautiful, my pretty little wife, i want to see your eyes tear up as you take me, love. or he'll be mean and rough, grabbing your skin harshly, pinching your nipples and wrapping his hands around your throat: you're just a fuck-toy for us, you know, you dirty little whore, opening your legs up day and night, wet and willing whenever, you like this don't you, being fucked all the time and filled with jaeger cock and cum? you don't know which side of him you prefer, but surely you'd die without either.
even more broadly: you needed both men in your life.
at the end of the getaway, as eren and zeke are packing your suitcases into zeke's range rover, you grab both of their wrists.
"yes?" zeke asks, eyebrow raised.
"go on," eren says, tilting his head to the side slightly.
"will this dynamic -"
"continue?" they both say at the same time.
you nod furiously, hair shaking around you as you do. "yes, please."
the jaeger brothers laugh as they step closer to you, cornering you against the car. you swallow tightly.
"of course, love - together, we're mr. and mrs. jaeger, after all."
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