#I'm just feeling so angry and stressed I feel like punching all those bullies (who I'm sure are all mostly white Gringos with White GuiltTM)

[smol-nevi]

I don't generally make this kind of thing a habit, but I think if you happen to be on the Crystal RP Discord, aka @crystal-rp-ffxiv, you should probably be aware of this kind of behavior, so here goes.

If you're on Crystal RP and the admin team decides they don't like you, you're going to be living under a microscope while they wait for you to mess up, if not bait you, probably while making up conspiracies about you as well. As for how I know this, I was a moderator for about a week's duration and saw it first-hand.

Unapologetically lengthy post. Receipts in the link above, long version below the cut.

From the first time I looked in the mod chat I knew something was wrong. I read backwards in the channel, thinking I'd acclimate myself and see what kind of rules precedents had been set and that sort of thing. I mostly just found out that they had it out for a particular member (at the time using the name Jericho) for not much reason. They'd spent a troubling amount of time over the past few months watching him and another member like vultures, believing them to be the same person and waiting for them to make some kind of mistake that would justify banning both of them...despite keeping different schedules, having different personalities and typing habits, and visibly being two different people. The admin team had come to the conclusion that Jericho was a troll who wanted to make them look bad, and anything he said or did was scrutinized to a ridiculous degree for evidence that would corroborate their belief.

Except none of the things they believed at all were true: he'd had a minor argument via DM with the head admin Benjimir Thursby's wife, Tessariel Aerlinn, who had made an overly broad statement about anime and Asian culture. Jericho had told her that overgeneralization about 'Asian culture' is potentially racist, and she became extremely angry, saying that because she's Asian, she can't be racist against Asians. After that, it seemed that Jericho was considered fair game for whatever retaliatory actions the two of them could justify.

Even a cursory glance at actual racism in Asia pokes Tessariel's statement entirely full of holes, and having personally read the conversation I didn't see anything actually inaccurate in his statement even if she believed it didn't apply to her. I asked what he had done that would merit such a response, because it felt very disproportionate to anything I'd ever seen him do publicly, and that was what I was told. The exchange via DMs had been screencapped and kept in a channel for evidence, and while I didn't get a copy of it, I did read it, and I said that I thought it sounded awfully one-sided and punitive and would have been much better as an actual conversation. I also expressed that I was concerned how much of the channel had been solely devoted to what was basically a witch hunt, considering that some of the server members had over the course of the past couple of months commented that the admins' behavior towards Jericho seemed biased.

I basically got a pat on the head and told that my opinion was "valued" but wrong. This would happen a lot over the course of the week.

Shit continued to escalate. Their favorite punching bag, who was acutely aware of the grudge by now and probably trying to be nice and discuss something that he thought they could all talk about, brought up some articles that stated that LOTRO might be having a graphical overhaul. This actually ended in him being put into some kind of time-out mute, because "everyone knows those articles are debunked already" despite them still being hosted on reputable games news sites. Back-channel, the admin consensus was that he was in fact trying to bait Benjimir and Tessariel into somehow looking stupid in public, because [paraphrasing] 'he knows how important LOTRO is to them.'

Benjimir in fact went off publicly about how he knows the dev team and they sent him 'personalized swag' for 'being himself' and that everyone should just listen to him because he's right. Someone else made a reasonable request for sources on statements that Benjimir made about the LOTRO improvements not happening, and they immediately became the team's private #2 punching bag.

The whole time I reiterated that this was really uncomfortable and I had serious concerns about the way they were handling Jericho. And as always I received a pat on the head and was told to not worry about it, there were really good reasons for it, really. He was 'bringing down the quality of discourse' on the server somehow. Benjimir decided that the only way he would unmute Jericho is if Jericho talked directly to him, and that Jericho tried to talk to any of the more level-headed members of the team first was taken as obvious evidence that he wanted to evade rules and create problems. I asked when we planned to unmute him, and Tessariel immediately jumped to the conclusion that he had messaged me, which wasn't incorrect but the way she worded it felt highly accusatory and I was beginning to feel that I was also in trouble somehow for not agreeing with the rest of the team.

Things came to a head quickly when I woke up and looked at the mod chat and they were having an animated conversation that started with Benjimir asking if it was 'bad that he was laughing at Jericho' and most of the rest of the team talking about how he was stupid, uninformed, a troll, etc. for the sin of having some misgivings about cryptocurrency, of all the things. One of the mods self-described their behavior as bullying. I said that this was extremely unprofessional and that I thought they should keep conversation to actual moderation matters, and if they had a personal disagreement with a server member they should handle it in a personal venue, not via official server moderation channels.

I was, for the final time, patted on the head, and told that this was not something they would consider, because the moderation team 'needs to be able to vent for their mental health' (never mind that the job was not stressful except for the rest of the team committing worse behavior than the server members) and that maybe I was in fact too sensitive for the job. Benjimir heavily implied that I had become too close to Jericho and was being manipulated, managed to misgender me somehow despite my having used solely male or neutral pronouns the entire time I'd been on the server, and after relating a story in which a couple of years ago a well-liked moderator left after having the same complaints as I did (which he saw nothing at all troubling about), suggested that I should be demoted to babysitting the lore channel.

So I took some time to collect receipts, which are linked at the top of the post, and told him where to shove it.

Since that time, things have actually somehow gotten worse on Crystal RP. Benjimir posted an entire page screed vaguely talking about "rampant negativity" that stated anyone with questions should DM him.

Upon DMing him with questions, Jericho was banned, the only reason given being that he was a 'poor fit' for the server in some vague way. I was immediately banned afterwards for calling out this decision as being driven by a personal vendetta in the feedback channel and let him know afterwards via DMs in no uncertain terms that I had logged everything I needed and would be building my case (and that he is an asshole). Jericho was reinstated, though I'm not sure what the conditions of his return were as that was after my ban and I didn't ask since I didn't want to stress him out further. Benjimir also reprimanded someone for discussing asexuality, stating in a DM to them that the conversation was somehow ERP related. I called him out on this via DM as well. Tessariel was not much later caught posting my last DMs to Benjimir in an entirely unrelated server, though she didn't include the part after that where I brought up his aphobia (during Pride Month, in a server with a rainbow icon no less). Benjimir for some reason decided to suddenly start following my FC's Tumblr well after our falling-out.

And as of today (6/24), Crystal RP now has seven pages of draconian rules, because it wasn't micromanaged hard enough before or something. Notably, a lot of these rules describe behaviors that they wanted to punish Jericho for but couldn't at the time justify, or that they'd like to punish me for but have nothing they can do to me. Or they exist to justify their own behavior, as now seen in the very beginning of the channel:

"This approach also provides our volunteers with leeway to act in good faith without the burden befitting a professional occupation."

"So we afford them the means to speak openly, vent, lament, candidly and yes, sometimes crassly and raw about everything and one."

Not only did they behave unprofessionally and shit-talk before, they have now encoded in the rules that this is acceptable and even good moderator behavior, because they saw someone else do it so it's fine (a lot of this wording is very similar to what I was told when I protested it). So rather than address anything I ever said past or present, Benjimir is choosing to double down and giving himself and his team explicit permission to be shitty, right in the opening paragraphs where you'd have expected a mission statement or at least some sort of welcome.

Which is about all you need to know about that server and its owners, in my estimation. I'd considered not even posting to Tumblr about it, but given that it's only getting worse, I think it should be generally known that this is how you can expect to potentially be treated.

#FFXIV #FFXIV RP #Crystal Data Center #Crystal RP #Balmung RP #Mateus RP #on one hand it's drama on the other I can and will call a spade a spade or in this case a douchebag a douchebag #this shouldn't be surprising to anyone who knows me even a little

[katierosefun]

Hi! Love your works on Ao3! I have a question - should I watch school 2013? I heard that there's a lot of bullying there, and it's sometimes personally triggering, and the ending is not a total HE.. One the other hand, bromance! .. 😣I don't know.. What do you think? What kind of feelings do you have after finishing it?

hello hello anon! you came to the right place--and omg yes, i love school 2013. to be honest, i didn't think i would like it bc it was airing around 2012/2013 and as such, the camera work isn't the best, and the first 3 eps are kinda on the slower side, but i was so glad i persisted.

the bullying is pretty intense, and i personally winced quite a bit--but also, it tapers off + again, after the first 3 eps, it's no longer quite as disruptive as it once has been (+ it also isn't quite as bad as other kdramas . . . like boys over flowers, which is notorious for its intense bullying/harassment or the penthouse, which . . . if you've watched/heard of it, the bullying in that show is very intense). with school 2013, there's quite a lot of punching/kicking/yelling, but that all slowly settles down as the show progresses.

but anyways, my overall feelings after finishing the show: i loved it, and i wish i was watching it when it was first airing back in 2012/2013, because i feel like 12/13 year old caroline (+ also in general, high school caroline) would have massively benefited from the overall themes and messages of the show. it's like. there's some tv shows/books/movies that i firmly believe you can't really appreciate/understand until you get older, but school 2013 was one of those shows where i was like "man . . . i wish i'd dropped some other shows to watch this instead".

but that said, i was incredibly happy to be watching the show when i first did. i was studying for the lsat when i first watched this show, y'see, and so i was already pretty stressed out/feeling relatively burnt out and sad pretty often. this show made me feel...a lot of good things. (+ i listed to the ost for like . . . the entire summer while studying. a lot of distinct memories of me listening to the lyrics "dream whatever you wanna dream / go wherever you wanna go"...i can't tell you enough how much this ost felt like someone very gently patting me on the head and telling me that things will be okay eventually.)

the teacher characters (jung in jae and kang se chan) brought me so much comfort--and even though there's not an explicit romance between them, i really do adore them together. something about teachers with differing teaching methods but eventually grow to respect and admire one another + also see each other through their most vulnerable moments . . . peak romance. also, i think we all need teachers like jung in jae and kang se chan--teachers who tell you that you don't have to be the best at studying, you just need to make sure you have a dream. that's the most important and teachers who tell you to straighten up and fly right and just . . . god. i love them.

(also, look at these fuckign nerds. they're so fuckign cute.)

you're also right that the bromance (or, as i like to call it, just straight up romance) in this show is off-the-charts. lee jong suk and kim woo bin, who play the troubled teens go nam soon and park heung soo, actually brought him a Best Couples Award because of this show because they were just That Good. (also worth noting that jang na ra, the queen herself who played the fantastic jung in jae, said, "i think nam soon and heung soo genuinely love each other.")

but all that aside, yes. they're fantastic. if you've ever been super close to someone, only to fall out rather miserably with them + then be forced to see each other again, their dynamic will get you in all the feelings. they're the typical "we were best friends but then you left why did you leave and now i'm angry and pissed off as all hell at you and you hurt me but i also hurt you and now we're stuck together so what the hell do we do now" kind of storyline, and they're just . . . so endearing. they cry a lot together too. so genuine and so open. true boys will be boys behavior bc they go through so many ups and downs and yet remain loyal to each other + i do think they really invented the template of a solid companionship dynamic between boys, whether it be romantic or incredibly, deeply platonic.

(again: look at them.)

this answer has become ridiculously long, so i'm sorry for the long answer anon, but as you can tell: i really do adore this show and yes, i highly recommend it. it is pretty dramatic, esp. in the first few episodes--and yet, i think this show is one of the most comforting shows i've ever watched, mostly bc of its running themes of what it means to have a dream / what it means to be close with someone / how the school system can leave people with so many awful problems . . . and yet how we can all learn to become better, because we can get better.

anyways. it truly is a lovely show. mayhaps a bit dramatic, but i sometimes feel as though i really, truly knew and understood the characters--and they all feel rather real to me, whether they were on screen for only a few minutes or if they were on screen for hours. the characters will make you feel comforted in the end, and i promise that you'll want to spend more time in that classroom, if only to hear the students joke around or the teachers tell you to not yet give up.

#answered #anon #school 2013 #i'm so sorry for the long response anon #as you can tell . . . i adore this show #you're right that there's quite a few serious themes #bullying + also themes of mental illness are def. present here #there's also an episode later in the series where like. a character is contemplating su*c*de #+ what i personally appreciated about the show is that. like. it doesn't belittle the topic #the show really says that the problems teenagers struggle with are all INCREDIBLY valid #whether you're at the bottom or top or middle of the class #also teacher jung's comment . . . #'it's not wrong to think you want to die.' #'but it is a great thing to endure it and overcome your desire to die.' #'you've gone over a big mountain today. with so much effort. and you did really well. so i'm grateful...and i'm very proud of you' #tw suicide mention #so maybe that might be a bit difficult to watch even though nothing graphic happens #but overall. i found the show incredibly healing + validating + i think #that everyone should try to give it a watch at some point in their lives #i hope that was helpful!!!

[north-peach]

You're such a good example for those 12 cubs of yours, North, with this whole fighting thing. Most parents wouldn't be condoning that I think. (This coming from someone who was told to hit back and worry about the school later if someone started a fight with me so I'm really just teasing) - Raven

Okay, so, I took karate for eight years. I’ve won trophies, I’ve been in the local news, I’ve been trained in knife fighting, escrima sticks, nunchucks, fans- you name it, I’ve at the very least learned the basics.

In short, I know how to handle myself in a fight.

I use a punching bag for stress relief. 

But fighting isn’t for everyone. I have scars and I have places that hurt when it gets cold and when it rains, so I have gotten injured enough to leave permanent damage.

I do try to use my words first, because there’s always that lingering fear that, ‘i could seriously injure this person just because i’m upset with them.’

So I try to use my words and sometimes that doesn’t work, but I made an effort. either that or I try to leave the situation. 

because fighting stupid people isn’t a good thing. fighting people who are trying to harm you is.

give warnings, but do not hesitate to carry them out

if you touch me, i will defend myself

do not yell at me, or i will react

if you make threats, i will take them seriously and react accordingly

no.

No is the best thing. Someone goes in to touch you? 

No.

Yelling?

No.

Trying to convince you to do something?

No.

If they try to force that issue, you are within your rights to make a scene.

OKAY, HERE’S THE ONLY PARENTING ADVICE THAT I AM PROUD OF.

(that i can think of at the moment)

Do not keep your silence when someone intends to force you silent. You make a scene. Yes, it’s embarrassing, people will look at you, it’ll feel awkward, and it may be a mistake, but listen up kids.

You don’t owe anyone anything. Be respectful, be polite, say your please and thank yous, don’t be a terrible person, but the instant someone intends to take advantage of you, harm you, threaten you or make you uncomfortable, get yourself out of that situation.

The very first time I ever felt threatened by someone older and stronger then me, do you know what I did?

Actually, background information.

In the northern states, like the north west states, there are these huge gas stations with small casinos. 

This older man was possibly drunk and angry and standing in front of the bathrooms. My family and I were in the middle of moving. I really had to go. My brothers went around that man no problem. I’m not far behind, but when I get closer, the man’s in my way.

I say, “Excuse me.”

(I’m about 8, like literally turned 8)

Man swears at me. Like hardcore swearing.

Me: I need to go to the bathroom.

Man: *steps really close to me and makes as if to grab me* Swearing, swear, brat!

Me: *backs away really quickly* Daddy! He’s going to grab me!

People turned to look, my brothers came running out of the bathroom and unfortunately- or rather, probably fortunately because Daddy would have beat the shit out of him- my dad was still outside.

My brothers go: Hey! Get away!

Man is visibly getting angrier. 

Me: *thought process* he’s not backing up that much and he’s giving me bad feelings so imma hit him. *shoves him and then kicks his shin*

Daddy enters the store to find the store people trying to calm and placate this guy, while he’s yelling and all three of his tiny children are trying to back away from a hostile stranger

Daddy goes through the crowd, barks a short, go outside to us kids, walks up and lays a hand on the guys shoulder.

I don’t think he hit him, but I do know that he said something very hard, very low and very fast into that guy’s face. After the guy left, and we were loading up again, Daddy knelt down in front of us and said, very seriously-

“I don’t care how big of a scene you make, I don’t care if the police come- so long as you are safe, I will be okay with pretty much everything. Scream, bite, hit and stab them with pencils (because I had a problem with all three) if anyone ever comes at you like that again, okay?”

He then told us he was proud of us.

That year, we were all put into karate and we all learned how to defend ourselves.

In short, I understand that some people will get intimidated, or shy away from confrontation and okay I don’t really understand why because I was always taught to stand up and fight, but THE POINT IS, your safety is more important then keeping the peace.

Make your own peace, by any means necessary.

I will never allow myself to cower in front of anyone. I may fear them, but I refuse to advert my eyes.

I’ll fight if I have to, and if I lose, at the very least, I’ll leave them a reminder of me, even if it’s just to spit in their face.

….

I think I kinda lost where I was going with this, but in short- I WILL SUPPORT YOU IF YOU DECIDE TO PICK ALL THE FIGHTS. unless you’re bullying people, then I’ll give you a talkin’ to. 

You have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, it doesn’t matter where you’re from or who you are.

Defend your life, protect your liberty and never give up on your pursuit of happiness.

I believe in you!

[im-tops-bottom]

Dear Anonniiee~....

"Clint call the doctor's pronto. Natasha get...."

Everything became a blur for everyone since then. People were on autopilot trying to bring back Tony. He was rushed to the medical suite and almost died on the table a couple of times. There were times everywhere after managing to get Tony back to an alright stable condition.

What felt like an hour or so later everyone was gathered around as the doctor took a look at the notes.

"he is alright and the baby is now in a somewhat stable condition"

Steve was the first to speak up as everyone was stunned into silence trying to process what they just heard.

"I'm sorry what did you say? That can't be right"

"I'm sorry I thought you all knew"

Natasha stepped up looking at the doctor like she was going to interrogate him.

"he has been coming to me for a couple of months now. He said that he had already told everyone but wanted to keep it as a surprise for bu- what's going on?"

"what do you mean what's going on? We should be asking you that. I know you were about to say bucky. What has he got to do with any of this?"

"fine let's share stories. When Tony and Bucky first met they instantly connected. Next thing you know Bucky helps Tony through his heat. A day later a baby is rapidly growing in his tummy."

"what do you mean rapidly growing?"

"well a mix between Starks extremis and Barnes' super serum this baby Is slightly growing faster than a normal baby. Tony is looking at 3 more months until Tony gives birth rather than 6 months"

Steve feels like his gonna be sick. No one told him anything. If he had known then maybe none of this would have happened.

"Steve are you okay?"

Steve looks worryingly at the doctor before sighing. It's better that everyone heard what happened now then find out in the future.

"over 2 months ago when we had that fight in the airport, that wasn't the only time we fought."

"oh god I remember that. I helped Wanda send cars on top of him. Oh god the stress he went through between us and the acc- wait what do you mean wasn't the only time?"

"zemo showed Tony what really happened to his parents"

"Jesus Steve when we found out I told you to tell him."

"I couldn't do it Nat. I wanted to keep him happy and protected."

"just because you were in love with the man doesn't mean you should lie or keep secrets"

"woah woah woah in love? Parents? What the hell is going on?"

"Tony found out that Bucky killed his parents and that I kept him from him. He didn't take it to well and sent me flying to the ground. Next thing you it's a 2 v 1 all guns blazing. Wait! Doc he took so many punches to the stomach and a shield to tje chest. Not to mention flying in that suit! The baby couldn't have survived that"

"we thought so too. If anyone payed close attention to Tony's stomach then you would have seen a glow on his stomach. The baby healed itself using extremis"

"oh cool kinda like the doc in Doctor who with all that nano energy mumbo jumbo what was is called again?"

"doctor what now?"

"oh my god once Tony has healed and we all have a civilly stern talk with one Anthony stark about how we are going to bundle him up and lock him awa- hold up now. Woah woah woah back the frick frack paddy wack up TONY'S AN OMEGA!?!"

Everyone facepalmed at the sudden realization too busy worrying about Tony and the baby that it suddenly crossed their mimds thanks to the class clown Clint.

"yeah I thought you all knew. I mean Bucky did"

"ahhh soul mates. Never question a bond when it's a soulmates bond. They know everything about each other after meeting for just a split second. I love watching shows and movies based around those types of plots."

"okay so tony is actually an omega and not a beta. The only omega on a team filled with just alphas. I'm guessing he had suppressants. Has a secret thing with Bucky. Has his own secret thing which has cost him his life. Almost lo-"

"Jesus what is with us cutting off our sentences when we realize something. What's the matter?"

"from what pepper has been telling me, Tony has been under alot of stress lately. He hasn't been eating and sleeping well. I'm guessing it was taking a toll on the baby?"

"yes that is correct"

"great then I as the greatest man to ever live the oh so great cl- ow!"

"just get on with it"

"Clint Barton! Has decided we bring back the helper of this mess. I'm sure he can leave or bring his pet goat I don't mind but the thing hates me as an FYI. Ok ok put your hands down I don't need a group slapping session thanks. Anyway, we sit Tony down and we have a group meeting followed by a family bonding time. Let's clear the air, especially between Tony and Bucky because there is going to be alot of tension."

"what do you mean oh wise clint Barton?"

"it doesn't take a genius to figure it out. Dude they must have bonded their first night together completely. Like bite and everything. It must have been hard for Tony with all his omega and baby hormones and then the stress of us and the accords to finding out information he should have known in the first place"

"not to mention the asshole who caused all of this not only fought him and almost killed him but also broke the bond and left him in this mess a couple of months later without so much as a call or letter"

"Bucky when did you get here? How much did you hear?"

"heard all of it Stevie. Got here the moment something happened. Friday called Shuri when I was down in the gym. Stephen was there to help out with a project she was working on so he portaled me right here. How's he doing doc?"

"he's in a stable condition now. How about everyone get settled down, have a bite to eat...."

"how about goat curry? Ow! Would you guys stop it"

"no I think not"

After everyone settles down they leave the medical suite and go watch a movie to calm themselves down.

It's not until the next day when everyone woke up to a shocked voice.

"what are all of you doing in my room?"

Everyone rushes up and hugs Tony giving him a good old group hug.

"okay have I gone through a time machine? Or did I get sent to a different reality? Friday?"

"I'm here boss. No you are still in the same timeline. This is what people call a group hug"

"better watch that sass before I remove it in your next upgrade and replace it with a water pistol"

"that will so much better because I can't sass fire off of you when you experiment"

"my own baby is talking back to me. I am shocked"

"I learned from the best boss"

"damn straight you have now can some one please tell me whats going on he-oomph"

Everyone stares in shock as a teary eyed Clint kisses the life out of Tony and while Tony is in shock Clint bites Tony's bond mark causing the smaller man to Yelp.

"wow I'm the youngest here, completely pregnant and this is how I'm treated"

Tony gets another shock as a growl comes out of Clint's mouth before he is slammed onto the bed. He gets a cry baby sitting on his lap leaving kisses all over his face.

"I'm sorry for leaving you, for going against you, for not listening to you, for demanding to much, for bullying you, for putting huge amounts of stress on you, for beig so angry at you when I was actually angry at the government, for hurting you, for saying nasty shit and for possibly being the worst best friend anyone could ever have. Please please please forgive me. I promise I won't bring harm to you ever again. if you can't trust me now then at least, actually it would be better if you don't trust me now. I just bit your bond mark and kissed you without permission"

"you think you moron?"

"well obviously I wasn't thinking. That's how we became best friends right? Because we don't think? Speaking of thinking"

Clint starts slapping Tony's thighs

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING PUTTING YOU AND YOUR BABY AT RISK YOU STUPID BRATTY PIECE OF SHIT! AS SOON AS WE SAY WHAT WE HAVE TO SAY THEN I AM ORDERING UP LARGE AND FORCE FEEDING YOU FOR THE LAST 3 MONTHS! Who's next!?!"

Natasha ripped a pouting Clint away before she ruffled Tony's hair and kissed his cheek smiling.

"I think Pepper would get angry if I marked you"

"2 fiery red heads filled with love for each other. Can only imagine what a fight between you two would look like"

"even though she is an omega she is a fiery hot headed one. Hmmmm I remember when I thought she was just a beta. Kinda reminds me of someone I know"

"okay I can explain"

"explain later for right now"

Sam comes jumping on Tony and sobs his heart out.

"im so sorry Tony. You know I didn't mean any of it. Neither did vision. It was just a poorly executed mess"

"you do realize I'm not the one you should be saying sorry to for that"

"I know. I apologized to vision and well you know how Rhodey gets"

"hey don't worry Sam. Don't give up. He'll come around. Rhodey has forgiven me and doesn't blame me for it. He at least talked to me. I don't know what's wrong with T'Challa"

"like I said Sam, he'll come around"

"I hope so. Just know that if you really truly forgive me then you would name your baby after me"

"wait how"

"don't worry about it. Any way come on Clint, Nat let's get our of here for this one"

Clint pouts and makes grabby hands for Tony as he gets dragged out by Nat.

Tonys heart stops as he sees one of the people he doesn't want to see. He stands up and his hand goes straight to his chest. Face hardens as he looks directly into the blondes eyes.

"please don't put your walls up. I promise I won't hurt you ever again"

"I don't trust you"

"then I'll take my time to earn your trust back and wait patiently. For now please just hear me out"

"now why would I do that Steve? Did you ever listen to me?"

"ouch okay yeah I deserve that. What I also should have deserved was you actually showing off your strength and kill me in siberia. That's the least I deserve for what I put you through"

"Steve look. What happened back there wasn't just your fault but all of ours. We butted heads instead of talking it out like a family"

"but your parents"

"I am extremely hurt because of that. I wouldn't have been that bad if you had told me in the first place. As you can see I wasn't angry at Bucky. I was angry at Hydra for turning him into their bitch, I was angry because instead of hearing it from someone I care alot about, I hear it from the monitor set up by a damn villain. I was angry because no one listened to me about what I can do if everyone signed. Even team iron Man spoke against me, then again at least they stood by my side"

"okay okay I deserve that too"

"damn right you do. Look I'm not in a place to send or receive forgiveness yet. Hell none of us do but that shouldn't stop any of from working tofuckengether and finding out where on God's green earth is the bloody hulk and Thor because then that airport battle would have been awesome!"

"that's not fair"

"why isn't it fair?"

"because then banner wouldn't want to participate and the hulk would have been on your side while Thor protects his omega from getting hurt thus realizing he will need to be on team iron Man because of the hulk. We would have been outnumbered. Not to mention my ex chose you over me"

"don't regret it"

"but I do"

"why?"

#part 1 #avengers ships everywhere

[nvzblgrrl]

Hi. I'm a (assigned boy at birth) kid. I'm fat and when i was waiting for the school bus not too long ago, a female student saw my school shirt was wet and sticking to my chest in the rain and told me i needed a bra. Sometimes the Great Hereafter seems a better option than Earth...

That sounds like a rough experience and I can’t say that I think much of your classmate for saying that. Like the hell are you supposed to do in that circumstance? Summon the recommended clothing from the aether? Magic away the weight she’s complaining about?

No. You’re stuck sitting there and taking the insult while she has herself a giggle, an insult that you still remember now and that she probably forgot about within hours because it didn’t mean anything but a moment of entertainment for her. And even if that specific moment is the only one you shared, I know from my own experience as a bullied kid that it’s never just the one time or just the one person. It’s an ongoing parade of bullshit from a whole bunch of different people, some of whom like to adopt the excuse that they’re ‘helping’ somehow.

Yeah, because making someone feel like shit for acting or looking different from the set concept of ‘normal’ is going to inspire them to ‘fix’ that, even if that’s not how those things work.

Sorry. Got a little angry there. It’s a sensitive topic for me.

This is going to get a little long and I’m probably going to end up talking about myself and my experiences for 90% of it because that’s how I connect and process my feelings on the subject, so that’s why there’s going to be a readmore right here.

I have strong feelings and opinions about suicide. Mostly because I’ve lost a lot of people in my life to it (comparatively speaking) and have had many suicidal thoughts myself.

My mother killed herself because my father subjected her to four years of continuous harassment, character assassination, and legal bullshit over the fact that he didn’t want to pay child support. She died in front of me and, thanks to that and the fact that I was only just barely four years old at the time, the only memories I have of what she looked and sounded like are from photographs and a video of her wedding in which she only is audible for three sentences, only one of which wasn’t part of the wedding script.

My mother, for her part, was a well loved nurse in her community. She was known for being kind and gentle with her patients and her friends, going all the way back to when she was a child. She also loved horses and kept them almost continuously through her life until a few months before she died.

The other person I lost to it was a teenage boy bullied in part because he had a speech impediment which continued to be a ‘meme’ at the school district several years after his death.

He was brilliant. He loved talking about mechanics and had a notebook full of technical drawings of pistons and engines that he was constantly filling up. I can’t remember his name or most of his face thanks to the stress I was under at that time obliterating my mental capacity to process things, but I remember how his smile could light up a room when I asked him to talk more about the subject he loved so much.

That boy is never going to smile again. My mother will never ride another horse.

Because they’re both dead. Because those bastards who never had a care for anything more than themselves and how they were inconvenienced by these people decided that driving them to the edge for things they could not change - the fact that her child had a father and the fact that he had a verbal tic - was the ‘right’ thing to do.

And there was no-one there to pull them back from from the edge, leaving them with the choice to either do so themselves or to jump.

They both jumped.

(Figuratively. I know both of the how and the where they both chose. But that’s not part of this conversation.)

That’s the first part of why I’m against it. These people, fully realized human beings that had loves and dreams and all the facets of what make people wonderful, don’t exist anymore. If I want to visit my mother, I go to a grave. If I want to visit that boy, all I have is my memory because I don’t even have his name or where they buried him.

The second part is because I’ve never seen the people who were the direct cause of driving those victims to the edge ever pay for it. A glimmer of guilt for a passing second, maybe, because they ‘didn’t mean to get a reaction like that’, but then they get over it and then start making more excuses so they don’t have to acknowledge their culpability in the situation.

(Yes, I know that some places have legal consequences for bullying. But the enforcement is poor and by the time any school I went to ever thought to address the issue, it was little better than a joke because they should have given us that speech in kindergarten instead of our junior year of high school.)

None of the people who ever hurt me during those times ever apologized - I think the closest any of them got was a girl who took the time to find out my phone number for the sake of harassing me at home in elementary school forgetting what she’d done to me before assuming that my absolute lack of reaction to her in social scenarios meant we were friendly.

We weren’t. I’d simply learned early on that I couldn’t so much as grumble in her direction without a teacher putting me in detention and that behavior happened to linger on all the way to high school.

I considered hurting and killing myself several times as a child and teenager, because it seemed like the only way to make the pain stop. The first few times, it was because I had relatives who were still suffering from the recent suicide of my mother and I didn’t want to hurt them further.

Later, when that promise wasn’t as fresh and life’s bullshit quotient had gone up significantly (let’s leave it at ‘had a near death experience in a semi-public place and nobody in my immediate family gave a damn’ was part of over ten distinct issues in play as a way of communicating the level of stress going on), I started thinking about it again.

By which I mean I got pushed so far that I lost all conscious control over my mind and body and could have done just about anything because Rationality just wasn’t part of the package anymore.

I got lucky, in the end, because my frenzied brain came to a moment of enlightenment during that event that I can still only label ‘a psychotic break’ even thirteen years later.

That enlightenment was ‘They want me dead. If I kill myself, they win. I hate them. Why would I want them to win?’

‘They’ were my abusers, at home and at school, and honestly, looking back at it, they didn’t so much want me dead as they wanted a free punching bag that couldn’t hit back. But that thought was my lifeline back then. It gave me a reason to continue living, even if that reason was pure spite and hatred for everything they stood for and represented.

Even now, there’s an element of that in my reasons to continue living. I intend to survive - and not just survive. I intend to take back my power. I will learn to love my body, love my mind, and make myself into a better person than they ever dreamed of being.

Their names will become nothing more than meaningless noise to my ears. They will never make me fold into myself again, nor will they take advantage of me. The damage will never fully leave, but I will clean those wounds and let them heal as cleanly as they can. I will not perpetuate their cycle.

I will scrub their filthy fingerprints from my soul and I will turn my scars into gold. 

-

Stepping back from the personal anecdotes and beliefs for a moment, I think that the best thing you can do is find something or someone that, while not perhaps ‘worth living for’, that you can give your attention and love to and, ideally, be loved by in turn.

I’m also an advocate of therapy, though I add the creveat that therapy only works when you have a good therapist, because I’ve had some that, while not awful people, failed to recognize the fact that I was being abused at home despite the number of signs present during our sessions and sometimes recommended tactics and techniques that didn’t do me much good with my circumstances at that time. Yes, I learned from them, but they didn’t help me as much as they could have if they had thought to remove my father from the sessions and ask me more questions instead of letting him do the talking.

But my biggest advice is to remember that your bullies are foolish, short-sighted assholes. They’re not right nor are they trying to be helpful, even if they dress themselves up as being that to justify themselves to the person in the mirror and everyone around them. They are stepping on you because they want to, either so they can feel strong and secure in their place as the ‘not-victim’. They have nothing good to give you, only their own hateful brand of poison.

#abuse / #bullying / #suicide / #suicide mention / #long post #i hope that i was able to help you even a little bit here #but i know that it's not always helpful to get words at a distance #instead of action where you need it #e-v-e-n-i-n-g-e-l-v-i-s-b-u-d