it hurts to have a body
I told you that I didn’t think I was supposed to enjoy my body
And you asked me who made that rule
And I don’t know
But I know that I hate smiling
I hate the way it feels like opening up
I hate the way it looks like an invitation
I hate how it makes people overstay their welcome
Like I’m giving them a message
And they get to interpret it however they want
But I’m not trying to send a message
I’m not sending a message, but it doesn’t matter
I hate looking in people’s eyes
I feel like there’s a timer going off in my head
For how long I can look before I have to look away
Before I blur my eyes so I don’t have to really look
I feel like they’re pulling me out of my body
I feel it like it’s physical
Like they’re touching me and I have to let them
Most of all, I hate what I see
Or I hate what I’m scared of seeing
I hate that eyes feel like ponds or lakes
Like murky water
I don’t want to know what’s lurking beneath the surface
I don’t want to look because then I’ll know
I’ll see the ugliness
I’ll see the roughness and the violence
I’ll see the interest, the reaching out, the pulling
I’ll see the fantasies they attach to me without permission
I’ll see nothing
I’ve seen shark eyes before and I’ve never been so scared
It makes me feel like I’m being torn apart
I know that when they said “the eyes are the window to the soul”
It was actually meant as a scary story
Have you ever looked into someone’s window
To see what they do when they’re alone?
I never want to ever again
Every part of me that hurts
Every part of me that tenses
Every part of me that grips and scratches and bites and hardens
It doesn’t feel good but it has a purpose
It doesn’t feel good but somehow it does
That’s how I know that these people have twisted something inside of me
That the pain of fear feels so comforting
That the strain of muscles being held at attention for too long
Feels somehow like a sigh of relief
Every time a part of me breaks I am thankful
That I was strong enough to hold it that long
That I was strong enough to break it first
That somehow if I hold my body tight enough,
Forcing the pieces to shift into a brick wall
Big and strong and touch and impenetrable
Then maybe no one will ever feel like vandalizing it again
If people will not treat me softly, then neither will I
People have never treated me softly
So I have learned the only way to feel good is to
hurt
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