#I'm kind of proud of myself cause I feel that since I've started this blog I've really improved

[thedawningofthehour]

didn't you say you were making Draxum's house in the sims? Did you ever finish? :(

So I whined about this on my main blog, but I'm having issues with my computer. The power port, and I've noticed this for a while, gets extremely hot whenever I try to run anything more intensive than Powerwash Simulator, and the past few months it's become harder and harder to get it to charge. (I'm not overclocking or anything-I bought this computer for gaming and made sure it had the specs to run shit like my heavily modded Skyrim and Fallout, it should be able to run Sims) I contacted Acer about a repair and they quoted me over eight hundred dollars. The actual computer was about 1200-1300, for comparison. There's other issues with it as well-there's a chip on the screen that's really obvious on a white background, and they advertised that it would support a second hard drive, but it's never recognized the one I bought. The power port is the most grievous though, and power ports on laptops are notoriously hard to repair.

And this computer isn't old. I bought it last spring. Less than a year and a half-and I've barely been gaming on it because I've been writing this, so I spent over a thousand dollars on a turtles fanfiction machine essentially. (there's been other reasons, depression funk caused a complete disinterest in gaming and after so many mass shootings I've started feeling guilty whenever playing games with guns, but writing is mostly what I've been using this expensive gaming PC for) I only had the one-year warranty that came with the computer, but honestly I can't find it in myself to regret that too much because I have never once had a company actually honor a warranty. It's like safety deposits on apartments or insurance claims-they'll do everything they can to weasel out of doing what they're supposed to.

So back to your question-I currently don't trust my computer to run the Sims. Or anything else. And I can afford to buy another gaming PC right now, but it would be financially pretty irresponsible. I returned the tablet I bought to draw with, and I think I'm going to get one of those two-in-one laptop/tablets so I can use it for drawing and writing. Maybe I'll be able to run the Sims 4 on that-it doesn't have to run great, I use it mostly as a building simulator. Kind of sucks though, Crusader Kings 3 came out with another expansion pack and the new Cities Skylines is coming out this fall, plus I've been getting a hankering to play Skyrim again.

But enough about my computer woes, I do think I have some screenshots I could show...

First floor, I apparently took these during the first round of building because I made a lot of changes. The lab is way bigger now, and I have the rest of the house shell done. The blank space in the back right is where I was going to put in the multi-story room where the turtles find the weapons-which is probably the least completed part of the entire house because holy hell the building controls do not want to work with me.

But in the back left you can see Cass and Gale's rooms! :)

I do like how the main hallway turned out. I know it was mostly destroyed on Creation Day, but let's just say Draxum redid it in the same style. The middle picture, that's the little storage room that hides the door to the part of the house where Gale's room is. If you know the Sims you can tell where the secret door is.

And yes, I know the half-walls under the stairs look ridiculous, I've fixed it since then. I couldn't just extend the half-wall all the way back because it would delete the upper staircase, for some reason.

I'm pretty proud of how the living room is turning out. Could be a little bigger, but the symmetry of the bookshelves are just too perfect. (also the curved walls get fussy, FUCK CURVED WALLS) Needs some clutter on the mantle though.

The kitchen no longer looks like this, I moved around a lot of the pictures and added another layer of cabinets, because Draxum probably has like six sets of fine china he's received as gifts throughout the years and refuses to part with. I added more retro-looking décor, because the last time he remodeled this room was in the sixties and I wanted it to look a little old-fashioned. I also imagine he refuses to get an electric stove, saying his mystic wood-burning stove works just fine. I tried to work a pantry in, but it didn't really pan out. (lol) And the more I think about it, he probably has a legit larder somewhere in the basement, since Draxum is from a time before refrigeration and would have grown up storing food in underground cellars. (and he deffo has like several years worth of food stored away, he's pretty much a doomsday prepper)

This is also incidentally the layout of the kitchen at my old house, hence the weird octagon dining area. Except we had windows. With no curtains. In the woods. It was unsettling to cook at night.

Draxum's study is bigger now, and I think I added a fireplace? He absolutely has eight bazillion degrees and awards and he puts them ALL on his wall. He earned that shit, dammit.

His bedroom's nothing to write home about. It's comfortable, not luxurious. There's no electric lights because he prefers candlelight.

Just imagine that white bathroom counter stained with pink splotches from Draxum's hair dye.

I had BARELY done anything with the pool, but as you can see it is indeed a tank. Draxum was planning to keep a mutant or something in there.

I was actually in the process of redoing the entire greenery lol, but I think I did an okay job on 1.0. Not the mason jar lamps though, I'm not sure what I was thinking there.

Some pictures of Lab 1.0. The ooze-vine-thing looks terrible; I straight up haven't even started to recreate it in 2.0. I pushed back Draxum's alchemy area and gave him an actual medical bay in the back, which is where The Table would have been located.

That's mostly Gale's area on the left, I think it still broadly looks this way? I didn't put in stuff like the robotics table because it just looked silly-and besides, we're not actually playing this build. We know Galois only needs two hands and a welder to make a robot.

I will leave you off with a slightly more clutterfied Gale's room! Oh, but also, I GOT PURPLE CC CURTAINS FOR HIM. :D After I took this picture, but just know he has them now. He has no reason to have them because he does not have a window, but I'm happy for him.

#okay i did not intend to spend an hour doing this #i was gonna post the next chapter tonight but i don't think that's going to be happening no #not much of a surprise it needed a lot of work and i've been dragging my heels on it #doth asks

[khiphop-discussions]

iKon Take Off in LA Experience

I went to see iKon and I got back like 2 hours ago. Out of all the concerts I've been to, I think iKonics were the most lit. I had a lot of fun. DK came into the crowd on my side and I got to hi-five him! His hands are so soft, it's like there isn't any fingerprints or lines LOL. Bobby was crying cause he was happy to be there. It was honestly hard to hear on my section of the venue so I didn't get everything that was being said during the talks. Even the lyrics were a bit hard to hear. Regardless, it was still fun! During the "Hi Bye" section, all the boys were so handsome. Bobby told me to "Have a great night" and I said "You too" the rest of the guys, I just said "Bye" and waved to. Chanwoo was last in line and he told me "Bye".

More personal stuff for anyone interested:

So I honestly was feeling a bit somber/melancholy today. I was happy but a part of me was still a bit sad. I feel like this is probably gonna be my last kpop concert. Personally, I'm moving on to a different portion of my life and this year it's become VERY clear. I don't really keep up with any of the newer groups. iKon was probably the last group I stanned (actually, I think it might have been WINNER if we wanna get really technical LOL). All of my other 2nd/3rd gen groups either disbanded or lost members. Most of my groups, it is very unlikely they will ever come to the US again but even if they are still around, many of them will probably be disbanding in the coming years. So I was just kinda sad knowing it's kind of an end of a chapter for me. I've grown and now I am evolving into a different version of me. That said, if this was my last kpop concert then I'm 100% at peace with that after seeing iKon. I'm very happy and proud to say that iKon was my last if that ends up being the case!

At different points in my life, I've found myself being scared and thinking "What's gonna happen when I don't like K-music anymore?" I was very reluctant to lose it because its been such a happy and exciting part of my life. Because of kpop (and KHH too) I was able to experience a new culture, learn all of these new musicians, start learning a language, go and study in a foreign country, go to great concerts, and meet SOOO many cool fans over the years. So I've been very scared of "growing out of" K-music. I felt like I'd lose something helping to connect me with the world.

However, I'm very at peace. Like I said, if this is the end with kpop/kpop concerts than so be it. iKon was the best way to end it! I'll still be going to KHH concerts and things anyway. I also, fear losing khh (especially since I have this blog and youtube and I'm just generally more integrated into the KHH scene than kpop) but that's something I'll deal with at 36, instead of at 26 like with kpop LOL

#ikon #kpop

[stargazer-sims]

I honestly do not know how I feel about finishing my main story. I want to be happy and proud of myself for actually finishing something, but mostly I think I just feel... deflated? Finishing it was anti-climactic and I didn't get the "Woo.. I'm done!" rush of self-congratulation that I kind of expected. I'm not sure why, but anyway...

I know a lot of people who follow me probably ignored this story because the text-to-picture ratio was really high (and there were no pictures at all for the last 13 parts), and that's totally okay because I was writing it for myself anyway. But the thing is, now I feel like I don't want to share any more of the writing that I'm doing for myself. And I don't mean that in an angry or self-pitying way either.

I've loved writing so much for the past couple of months, ever since I stopped trying to force it into being a "sims story" when it never actually was. Ironically, once I stopped trying to make it be sims-related content. I also stopped stressing about people not reading it. It's kind of amazing, the difference that being authentic and creating without constraints can make to one's attitude about their creative product.

This may not mean a lot to most people, but to me it's been a huge revelation. Forcing any aspect of creativity is bad. It can ruin your passion for things that you love. Forcing myself to connect my writing to The Sims was doing that to me. I hated every second of having to do screenshots and make everything somehow sims-related, and it was no longer fun, yet I couldn't seem to stop. It was like a compulsion, and I kept doing it even though it caused so many negative feelings.

And now that I'm less concerned about "making content" and more focused on writing the way I want to write, sharing it doesn't seem like it's that big a priority any more. I've started working on The Art of Redemption again, and if I do decide to keep posting it publicly, I might just move it and any future projects over to my writing side-blog (which I made a while back and never actually used).

So, huge THANK YOU to those of you who did actually read The World, According to Victor and Yuri. I appreciate each and every like and comment that I received on it. If you stuck with me through the entire thing, you deserve a gold medal. Thank you!

#sapphire notes #kind of a rant #but not really? #idek #writing

[pashminalamb]

BELLE LOVE YOURE BACK!!!!!!!!! I've missed you so much 😭😭😭!!!! I'm so sorry to hear that you're sick though 😖😖. That seriously sucks, but I hope you feel better soon!!! Also I have a confession to make. I know I said I was working on blue lock drabbles. But like. The TR season 2 opening just dropped. I am not the same woman I was 1 hour ago. Episode 13 of bllk will probably kick-start my inspiration for the writing again (hopefully) but I'm hitting a block atm and all I can think abt is TR right now 💀💀. I have actually been so productive this winter break that it's insane. Cleaning, cooking, organizing, writing, etc. It's hard to believe I was the same person as last year tbh. I'm a hoarder and a sentimental sap so I never throw anything away 💀🥲. BUT I got rid of so much unnecessary stuff yesterday and I'm actually kind of proud of myself. I've been meaning to go to the gym again, but finding the motivation is hard, especially in the early morning when I'm drowsy and tired. I know it's not an excuse and I plan on going to bed early tomorrow so I can wake up without feeling tired 😤😤. Wish me luck 🥹🤞🏼!!! Also also. I have currently been listening to the new opening on loop since I heard it came out don't judge me and I'm pretty sure I have the entire visuals and lyrics matched up inside my head atp where I can hear it and know which character is on screen 💀💀💀. It's the same with the season 1 episodes again no judging. Yes I'm normal abt this 😌😌. Anyways ✨. Idk if you've seen my posts, but I have been freaking out abt the new opening since this morning adjkhgggkjggfdhjhg. I am so excited about next week. You are gonna be sick of me once the first episode drops I'm calling it now 😭😭💀. Anyways onto the actual important stuff. How was your vacation and holiday?? Good I hope?? How's the move to a03 coming along?? Again, I hope you feel better soon (Oliver sends his love from Italy ❤️❤️❤️)!!! Make sure not to overwork yourself and take care of yourself and rest okay love?? I really have missed you tho 🥹❤️. *sending all the virtual hugs and blankets and warm soup to you*

- ✨ anon

YES! I have returned !! I missed you too T.T , ahh its good to be back. ps. not only have i managed to fall sick... I uh... I twisted my ankle last night when I was celebrating new years. There was so much that happened last night, the dancing, hanging out with my roommates and last but not least. there were a lot of pretty boys at the club; but honestly, they were strutting around the place like some proud peacock and were intimidated by my height (yeah i was the tallest one last night with my three inched heels) and my calves are killing me rn; but totally worth it ✨ I SAW THE NEW TR OPENING! Pretty sure the fans are gonna crash the website; i wouldn't be surprised honestly- I am so looking forward to the new eps !! I read the latest chapter of bllk and... *sobbing cause no Oliver* Anyway, getting back to Tr; I am excited for the new season !! And i wanna see more of bonten and the shiba brothers arc, now i'm thinking if they're gonna introduce Nahoya and the whole baby of the family thing (cause the way i cooed when I was reading the manga) Girl. I saw you posted about Chainsawman !! And during vacay, we were passing by a bookstore... I uh... I ended up buying vol 4 with Aki as the cover. (i love it sm and i'm gonna treasure it even if I haven't reached that part yet) - the look i got cause the amount of profanities in there on opening one of the pages 😭 Vacay was fun, spent some time in the countryside and got a hold of new experiences that inspired me to re-write ruined rome (a project that i had started for Rin earlier on my blog) there was a cute guy on the bus who was watching rising shield hero i think? and i was busy watching one punch man cause i didn't get time to finish it, *sad cause i shoulda asked for his @ but i was really shy to talk to him and kinda disoriented cause of no sleep*

As for the move to ao3; I released the new chapter of Ocean hues and I'm working on a spotify playlist that you guys can play it when you read the series; hopefully you guys will enjoy it <3 speaking a bit and giving spoilers for the series; i included some of my dreams with Oliver (yes i am a simp and idc) And i have my oneshots saved in my draft, that will be getting posted as well... ao3 is getting fun for me cause i figured a way on using dividers and pictures. Not to mention even if ao3 does seem complicated its actually pretty easy to get by and i'm getting obsessed with alice in borderland- THE NEW SEASON IS FINALLY OUT! so i'm gonna be completing that and stone ocean's new eps (yes me likes JJBA. *likes jonathan, joseph and Jotaro*) And no bb ♡ i like seeing your rants on my dash and also. I. squealed at your Oliver drabble. Like i was walking around, stood for coffee before my flight at some 1 o clock in the morning and i saw this. And my gah- the way i was staring into my phone, I had a jolly good christmas and an early new year 😭 *busy working on a list of yandere wips and thinking the title to give my work*

*sending back hugs and wuv along with Bachira*

#belle.☏ #.moot🍦: ✨ anon

[queerautism]

Had an ableist experience at dialysis that ticked me off and wanted to share if it's okay. Feel free to ignore especially because it kind of ended up writing out like a long vent, but I'm not sure how else to express it.

(Ventish thing start)

Why are clinic technicians so ableist? (rhetorical, I know it's because they're part of the medical system)

Had one try and literally take my cane out of my hand while I was using it to get a "more accurate weight" (the weighing is unfortunately a vital part of dialysis treatments). Just straight up tried to grab it out of my hand.

I luckily have enough mobility I made it a teaching moment and showed him the weight was the same with or without but dear fuck I should not have had to be the one to teach that.

Unfortunately I was shocked enough by it I didn't think to explain the should be obvious point that you don't even touch people's assistive devices without permission and you sure as fuck don't try and take someone's cane or other device without permission.

They shouldn't even be trying to take and set aside my items like my bag without my permission. I should have the option to do that myself if I want to and am able to. But clinic efficiency is more important than respecting patients I guess.

The one good (?) thing about these experiences is that I'm learning to set my boundaries around my body, items, and devices. Not well yet, but I'm actually speaking up. I wouldn't have to do it half as often as I am if non disabled people would actually think of me as a whole person though and especially if they'd bother learning about disabled people.

I'm just tired of people touching and moving my cane without permission. There is one person allowed to do that without asking and that's my caretaker who knows how to handle it and only does that as part of what I need him to do. Anyone else needs to ask.

Like, okay clinic dude if you'd done that and I'd had worse mobility and you'd caused a fucking fall, what would you have done then? Next time if I don't freeze up again I'm considering asking how they'd do if someone came up and took off one of their legs. Maybe that'd get the point through.

Anyway, I'm realizing I really can only trust other disabled people at this point and it's like. Googling how not to go hoarse screaming at the sky in frustration is something I might have to do later. At least there are spaces on the internet where people get it, even if I haven't found any good irl ones.

Vent over

Thank you for the space you've made on your blog for everyone. It really has helped with not feeling like I should just accept the ableism and everything else bad that's been going on since I've gotten sick.

I am so sorry you gotta deal with that, jesus christ. I have quite a bit of trauma around mobility aids being taken away from me at this point, and 90% of it is because of things medical professionals have done.

You are doing great learning to advocate for yourself and i am really proud of you <3

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

not urgent, please feel free to take your time or ignore entirely if you feel like it! <3 /gen

so I just started solo recovery from anorexia, and in the few days it's been since I began, I've been eating three meals and snacks and not really feelong guilty for it. that's good, and I'm proud of myself for it!! but I feel like I should be having a harder time with it or it means I wasnt really sick. I know that isnt true, and that I was plenty sick, but I was just wondering if maybe you could provide some validation/reassurance?

also, do you have any advice for judging how much to eat? I'm kind of worried that recovery will lead to consistently overeating, but I dont really know how much I should be eating, so I dont know how much is too much

thank you for everything you do on this blog, it's been immensely helpful in even just making the Decision to recover, and I'm very grateful <33

Your ED is valid and you should be proud of yourself for taking the necessary steps to heal! There can be a number of things that can cause the healing stage to vary. It is often typical that anorexic people will struggle to eat again just because they've spent so much time feeling like they're controlling all the difficult things in their life through food restriction, to the point where it mingles with OCD-like food rituals and compulsions. So they become scared to eat "normally" again because letting go of the compulsions feels like letting go of that control. Others struggle to eat larger portions because their stomachs have shrunk, and so eating more can be painful and bloating, which adds to their negative body image. All of these struggles are valid, but it's also possible for you to have had a restrictive eating disorder without developing these problems (or at least, without developing them YET.) That could make it easier to stop restricting.

However, I would recommend being careful. I experienced having latent restrictive-eating problems emerging down the line some time after I thought I had stopped restricting. Just because you're starting on the road to recovery doesn't mean that you're cured. If therapist-hunting isn't an option for you right now, I might suggest you examine some of the factors in your life that may have led you down the road to restricting. (If you wanted to talk to me a little bit more about that, I might have some advice more specific to your situation. There are a lot of factors that contribute to the development of an ED. A lot of times, avoiding things like diet/fitness articles can help, or just avoiding diet culture in general, as well as photoshopped images like the ones in magazines. Do people still read paper magazines? When I was in my prime restricting years it was paper magazines, but now they might be fully online. Either way, the images are super photoshopped.) Take a little time to do internal work for yourself and give yourself a little self-love in the specific areas where you're struggling mentally. Make a practice of this, and you'll have a stronger line of defense against ED resurgence. If you have the option to work with a skilled therapist on this, I highly recommend that.

As for worrying about portions - practice intuitive eating as much as possible. Try to eat whenever you're hungry. Make sure to focus on and enjoy every bite, and reflect on how your stomach and body are feeling from eating until you feel full. If you feel good from nourishing your body, reflect on that feeling. Your body deserves to feel as healthy and good as possible, make sure you always reflect on that. I tend not to give specific portion recs on this blog because different bodies need different things and I worry it will trigger others' EDs, but if you want specific portion advice you could try contacting a nutritionist. But generally, getting a varied, full-nutrient diet and then eating till you feel full. Best of luck! Let me know if there's more specific advice I could offer.

#ED recovery #ana recovery #food restriction #long post

[kirkstiddywindow]

Alright, I’m a little late to the Spirk/Amok time birthday party, but here’s a picture I did to celebrate! Wahoo. I’ve been so busy with school that I wasn’t able to finish it until now, but here it is in all its glory.

#Startrek #Star trek #Star trek tos #K/S #K/S day #Belated #spirk day #James t kirk #Captain kirk #Kirk #Spock #s'chn t'gai spock #Spirk #Amok time #The anatomy and backround leaves a bit to be desired #BUT #I like the coloring on this one #I'm kind of proud of myself cause I feel that since I've started this blog I've really improved #They're fighting #I know it doesn't look like theyre fighting #but they are #you've seen the episode #you understand #Digital art #Fanart #kirkstiddywindow

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

❛ DID YOU CANCEL YOUR PLANS FOR ME? ❜

❚❙ ANGEL REYES MASTERLIST.

✨ REQUEST by @rocketqueen: hey Aurora! first of all: i love your blog. I guess you know that by that point cause i’m always here, but i’d like to say it again just for you to be sure of the amazing blog you have. And I’d like to do a request from January. The prompt is number 15 “Do you cancel your plans for me?” (it’s the fluff prompt list) with Angel Reyes, please! Thank you 💘

Gif credit: to the awesome @angels-reyes.

WORDS: about 1k.

❚❙ A/N: first of all, thanks for requesting. You don't know how happy you make me every time I see you in my notifications and I'm glad that you enjoy my blog this much, I really appreciate it. I'm sorry it took me so long and I know this should be part of ‘January of Prompts’, but I decided to take it as another request due it has been impossible for me to write this challenge. Concretely, this work is the first I write for Mayans after two months of suffering a writer's block, so I hope with all my heart that you all really enjoy it. As always, thank you for all the support you show me every day.

❚❙ MASTERLIST.

❚❙ JOIN MY TAG LIST.

You haven't ever cared about your friends' opinion. You haven't ever cared about what they used to say about Angel, about his man-reputation, nor about the fearsome Mayans. You know him ever since, you know how he behaves, how he acts, his red flags, his unconscious tics when he is nervous or happy or hurt. You know him better than yourself. That's why you haven't cared either about your friend making you choose between them or he, thinking you would choose them. They were wrong. Unlike your inner circle, Angel has never said a single bad word about them. He has always protected you, taken care of you, given you the best advice, motivated you to continue studying Medicine, and helped you to chase your dreams.

Tonight you were supposed to spend it with your friends and family, but you know you wouldn't have any fun hearing all of them criticize each other under sarcasm and fake laughs. Stabbing their backs and pretending it's okay, it's something normal in society nowadays. And there you are, hands within your pockets, crossing the junkyard alley straight to the clubhouse. Soon, the latin music fills your surroundings starting to sound louder as you reach the epicenter of the party. The night Angel becomes a full member.

He didn't ask you to come, even if there wasn't he desired the most than being with you. He knew about your plans and he didn't have the right to put you into a corner. He said you could celebrate the next day. What Angel didn't know is you had your preferences clear and a decision was taken. With a smile from ear to ear, your gazes find the other. He's sitting close to the bonfire with his brothers and some of Vicki's girls trying to catch his attention, drinking and pretending he is having a good time. But the gesture on his face changes completely at the moment he realizes that you are really there. It's not a vision, it's not a dream, it's not alcohol intake.

Cleaning his mouth with the back of his hand after a sip from his beer, he leaves it on the ground standing up from his chair. Even if the talks continue around the two of you, you have earned every single pair of eyes there, following the new brand member walking towards you.

“Shouldn' yo—”.

“Maybe”. You interrupt him, shrugging your shoulders and stopping your feet some inches away from him.

“Did you… cancel your plans for me?” Angel asks, trying to hide a funny and triumphal smirk while tangling his hands on his abdomen.

“Maybe”. You repeat licking your incisors to gulp a giggle.

“Your family must be… very disappointed”.

“You are my family, Angel”.

The fleeting shine that crosses his black orbs gives you shivers. The way he has to lick and bite his bottom lip lets you know he is somewhat nervous after hearing it. You're more than aware that he has strong feelings for you. Real ones. You aren't a game for him. You aren't a possible one nightstand. Seeing you there, hearing you say those words get his heart racing at the edge of collapsing.

Angel doesn't hesitate to rest a hand on your cheek to place a warm kiss on the other. His lips are trembling, just like his fingers, and you can swear that it's the sweetest thing you have ever experienced. You can't help but close your eyes when you feel his mouth coming a little closer to yours with short and clumsy kisses, feeling the fear on him of you pushing him away in the last second. But you can't move.

When his lips find yours, fireworks explode inside your belly. The Big Bang happens around you. The time stop. His breathing gives you goosebumps and his tongue parting your lips to play with yours gives you shivers. You haven't ever felt this good, as if you had the world in your hands as if nothing were impossible. That's what Angel provokes in you. Sensations and emotions that you can't explain, but the kind of ones that made you and made him addicted to each other.

“Ain't nothing without you”. He whispers too slowly, dragging every syllable through his tongue, not being able to open his eyes yet. “You're the air tha' keeps me afloat”.

“Angel…”

“No, listen… I'd never do anything to hurt you, you know it, right? Despite… wha' people think, I can make it work. You and I. The club, a life together”. His lips brush yours so soft that it's making your legs tremble, having to tangle your fingers in his kutte. “I've always wanted you, I've always loved you even when I couldn't love myself, 'cause you have done it fo' me”.

“It will work, Angel. I know it. We'll make it work”. You cheer him up, feeling how the smile on his lips becomes a little bigger. “I adore you... You're a blessing to my life, mi angelito. I wouldn't rather be in another part of the world than by your side”.

As soon as his strong bare arms wrap your mid back while a purr escapes his throat, you break into giggles putting your hands on his nape. Angel embraces you as much tight as he can, practically melting into one figure for a couple of seconds. He's a true angel from heaven, but his hugs are warm like hell.

“Are you gonna show me your new patches, ah?” You are very curious and interested when he pulls himself away to hold your hands, noticing them on his flaps.

He nods his head with a proud grimace, pointing at them and the absence of the prospect one, before turning around to show you the bigger one. Mayans MC insignia. Colorful and clean. You can't help but trace it with your fingertips.

“You like it?”

“Pretty much. Looks good on you”.

“Everything looks good on me, baby”. Clicking his tongue and raising his eyebrows, Angel faces you again to start to walk backwards to his brothers.

You roll your eyes inevitably, letting him guide you to be greeted by his new family. A family you are now part of.

#lemme know what you think in a comment! ✨ #mayans mc x reader #mayans mc imagine #mayans x reader #mayans mc #angel reyes x reader #angel reyes fanfiction #angel reyes imagine #angel reyes #yes angel you're fucking blessed #january of prompts

[nashibirne]

My Best Mistake

This is my first try of a Mike fic and I have to admit I haven't seen Hellraiser: Hellworld yet. So all I think to know about Mike is based on fics, gifs and pictures and maybe it's not that accurate but I hope you're gonna like it. 

This one-shot was planned as pure smut and not much more but in the process of writing, it turned out to be something completely different. So Mike's not only managed to surprise my OFC but me too. 

So here we go....

**************************

Pairing: Mike x OFC

Summary: Girl meets boy at a bar and he doesn't come up to her expectations.

Warnings: Mentioning of death and sex...a tiny little bit of smut at the end

Unbeta'ed. All mistakes are mine. English is not my first language so please expect bad grammar and spelling

Tags: @hell1129-blog @lunedelorient @willkatfanfromasia @inlovewithhisblueeyes @mis-lil-red @agniavateira

I know he is my next mistake the moment I see him coming through the door. It's not his good looks that tell me he's trouble. Not his tall, muscular body, not the cool clothes -Jeans, plain white T-shirt, black leather jacket-, not this very handsome face with the outstanding blue eyes or the thick, dark curls that invite me to run my hands through his hair. It's the smirk, the smug expression, the sly smile, the cockiness he exudes from every pore. This guy is pure swagger, sex on legs...call it what you want, but I'm hooked on him on first sight and I hate the fact that I'm so attracted to such a player, by the bad boy sex appeal he oozes.

When he enters the bar a group of boys and girls, who are sitting in a corner with cosy sofas and lounge chairs placed around a large round table, start cheering and yelling his name.

MIKE

He greets the guys with fist bumps and winks at the girls. Some of them blush under his gaze but none of them seems to be his girlfriend. When he starts telling his friends something that seems to be a longer story -judging by all the giggling of the girls and the laughter of his mates a very funny one- the whole group hangs on his every word. It's obvious that he loves being the center of attention. He knows how good looking and attractive he is, he knows he's the leader of the pack and he wants every single person in this bar to know it too. The physical reaction of my body to him is ridiculous and pathetic. I call myself a feminist, an emancipated woman but I still want this himbo with the caveman aura with every fibre of my body. I know this is a bad idea, I've had my fair share of trouble with this kind of fuckboys. They think they're the greatest but the sex is usually bad and over much too soon and afterwards they treat you like some kind of slut when in fact they are the man whores.

I look at my mobile to check the time. Where the fuck is Emma. We said we'd meet here at 9, now it's almost 9:30 and she's nowhere to be seen. I text her. "Where are you?"

No reaction. I think about leaving but I decide to give her another 15 minutes. I can't help but watch Mike and his friends again. They seem to have a good time. Lots of fun, lots of alcohol. Two girls are making out passionately and the guys applaud and whistle enthusiastically. This is so cliché-ridden, I roll my eyes.

Mike is sitting on the back of one of the sofas, watching the spectacle with a big grin, taking a sip from a bottle of beer from time to time. After a while he starts scanning the room and that's when our eyes meet. His gaze holds mine and when he gives me a wink and a smirk I know he's interested.

I'm not surprised. I know I'm pretty in a conventional way. The all american girl, long blonde hair, lovely face, great boobs, nice ass. It's nothing I'm proud of because I haven't done anything to achieve it. It was given to me by mother nature or god or genetics or whatever and to be honest I consider my looks quite boring, ordinary and replaceable. There are dozens of girls that look exactly like me. But guys like Mikey over there, they like this average kind of beauty. It's exactly what they want and what they get. He's the jock and I'm the cheerleader. He's the hot college athlete and I'm the queen bee. He's the hunter and I'm the prey. I've played this game many times before and I'm sick of it. It's not what I want. I don't want the jocks anymore. I want a smart guy, an intellectual, a feminist, a sophisticated, grown-up man who's interested in politics, arts, books. But that's not what I get because these guys are interested in the girls with an unconventional beauty, with a remarkable style. They want extraordinary women, smart women, independent women. Not a random bimbo like me.

I flinch when my phone starts to vibrate in my hand. It's Emma calling. Her car broke down and now she's waiting for the breakdown service. She won't make it.

I take a deep breath and try to ignore the guy at the other end of the bar who's been seeking my attention since the moment I've arrived. 

I need to pee. I get up and head to the restrooms and I know Mike is watching me. I give him a flirtatious smile when I pass him and his friends and I can feel his gaze on my backside, lingering on my butt and my long legs.

When I return he waits for me. He leans against the bar casually, right beside the barstool with my jacket on it, a lopsided smile on his pretty face.

I know I should grab my things and leave but I don't. There's something about the way he looks me up and down that turns me on. And there's something in his eyes that makes me wonder if I misjudged him. If I was being led on by my own prejudices.

I sit down and give him a quick look before I lower my eyes. That's the game. He's going to make the first move. Or at least he wants to be given the feeling that he is.

"Hi. I'm Mike." he says and I turn to him. His smile is bright and very confident.

I smile back and bat my long lashes. "Hi. I'm Sarah. Nice to meet you, Marc."

"No, it's Mike." he says, leaning in to make me understand him better. He's very close now. "Mike. Like in Magic Mike." he says with a smirk. His lips are amazing.

"Oh. I see." I giggle and I hate that I know how to play this game so damn well.

"So why is a beauty like you sitting at the bar in a place like this all on her own?"

"I was waiting for my friend, but her car broke down so she can't make it." 

"So you need someone to keep you company, huh." Mike asks and he cocks his head looking at me like a lost puppy.

"Actually I was just about to leave." I say with a fake-shy smile.

"Great idea." He reaches into the pocket of his jacket, gets out some bills and places them on the bar beside my empty glass of beer. "Let's go." He takes my hand and tries to drag me from my chair. I can't help but laugh.

"This is crazy. I don't even know you. Why would I leave with you?" 

"Because you need a good adventure and some fun. I can see the sadness in your eyes. I can take it away."

I'm speechless for a moment. How does he know this? There is this sadness deep inside of me but I'm sure it doesn't show in my eyes because no one has ever told me before. In all the time that's passed since my dad died nobody has realized that I'm still mourning. 

"Come with me." 

"You could be a serial killer." I say though I already know that I'm going to leave with him.

"I'm not. You can trust me."

Strangely enough that's exactly what I do.

"What about your friends?"

"They can do without me. And they're not really my friends." He shrugs.

"And what are they?"

"Just...people I know and hang out with." Mike says and it sounds like a question.

I hop off my chair and put on my jacket.

"Ok then...let's go."

****

I hesitate when we're standing in front of his pick-up truck. 

"What's wrong." Mike looks at me.

"What about 'Don't drink and drive'?" I say with a frown.

"Don't worry. I've only had lite beer. Alcohol-free."

I snort. "Guys like you don't drink lite beer."

"Guys like me?" 

I don't know how to answer and just shrug.

"See, I don't know what you think to know about 'guys like me', but I lost my best friend to that kind of shit. He caused an accident when he was drunk and he and two other people died. So I don't drink when I drive." A sad look crosses his face for a split second.

"That's dreadful. I'm sorry." 

Now Mike's the one who shrugs it off and I know now how he's detected my sadness. He hides just the same feelings.

"Hop on." He says grinning and I obey.

Minutes later we're heading down the freeway right into sunset. 

"Where are we going?" I like his truck, it's surprisingly tidy and somehow cosy. 

"I don't know. Where do you want to go?"

He gives me a smile and starts fumbling with the radio until some music starts playing. It's 'Promise me' by Badflower. God, I love this song. It makes me happy and sad at the same time.

"You said you can take away the sadness." 

"You want me to make you happy?" His smirk is lewd and oh so sexy. I bite my lip. 

"So this is just about sex?" I ask a little disappointed. "You took me away from the bar just for sex? We could have had that in the parking lot or in the restrooms." 

Mike seems to be surprised. "You would have fucked me in the restrooms?"

I roll my eyes before turning away to stare out of the window.

"Hey, I was just teasing you. Don't be mad." He touches my arm gently and when I look at him he gives me those puppy dog eyes again and I can't help but laugh.

"So where are you taking me, Mike?"

"You really want to forget about that sadness?"

"What I want is peace of mind." I say with a deep sigh.

"Then I know just the perfect place."  He smiles at me and gives my cheek a tender stroke before he hits the gas and we race into the night.

20 minutes later Mike turns off the freeway onto a small dirt road where he parks the truck. We get out of the car and I take a look around. We're in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nothing but trees and darkness. I start doubting my sanity. Is this really a good idea? I have no clue where I am, actually no one besides Mike knows where I am, and I'm with a complete stranger plus I have no idea what he's up to. And yet I feel good. Reckless and excited. Maybe this is some kind of subconscious death wish. I hear Mike rustling on the backseat. He's stuffing something into a sports bag and I hope it's not his serial killer basic equipment.

"Come on, Sarah. Let's go." He takes my hand and I follow him though I know I shouldn't.

"Where are we? Where are we going, Mike?"

"Into the void." He answers without looking at me. Instead he gives my hand a tender squeeze and I get goosebumps all over my body. 

A few minutes later we're standing in front of a large chain-link fence that's topped with barbed wire. 

"What now?" 

Mike grins at me and starts searching through the bag. He rakes out a large tool.

"Now we get in." 

"Wait? Is that a bolt cutter?"

"Sure, or would you prefer to climb?"

"Mike, there's a big sign that says "No trespassing". We can't do this. What if we get caught?" I start to panic. "This is illegal."

Mike doesn't seem to be impressed by my objections. He starts cutting the fence calmly and skillfully and it dawns on me that he doesn't do this for the first time.

"Mike!" I tug on his jacket. "Stop it. This is insane. We're gonna get arrested."

He stops and turns around to face me.

"I'm already done. Don't worry, baby. I know who's the owner of the land. He's not in town. It's gonna be alright." He leans in and gives me a sweet kiss. No tongue. All I feel is his gorgeous lips and the heat that arises within me. It's a tender kiss. Gentle but also sexy. Innocent but yet promising.

He pulls away and smirks before he turns to the fence and holds the make-shift gate, that he has cut into it, open for me.

"Come on."

I hesitate but finally I squeeze through the hole. He shoulders the bag and follows me. After only a few minutes of walking down a beaten path we hear rustling sounds and footsteps. 

"Stop! Whoever is there. Stop. Now!"

We stop in our tracks and Mike drags me down. We crouch behind a large bush and he lays his index finger on my lips to shush me.

Flashlight shines through the darkness and the footsteps come closer. I stare at Mike, scared and bewildered.

"You said the owner's not around." I whisper as quietly as possible.

"That's not the owner. It's security." Mike whispers back.

"Security? What the fuck, Mike... "

"I promised you adventure." He gives me a wink and I wonder how he manages to stay so calm when we're just about to get arrested or worse.

"Who's there? This is private property. Get out."

The voice is close now.

Mike takes my hand and brings his mouth close to my ear. "Get up and run." he whispers. "On three." I have no time to contradict.

He squeezes my hand. One. Two. Three.

We get up and start to run. Into the forest. Into the darkness. Into our adventure.

"Hey!" Security guy yells at us and we can hear that he's trying to follow us but we're too fast for him. We run like a bat out of hell, pushing through the undergrowth. After a few minutes, when we're sure that we've shaken off our pursuer, we stop and lean against a large tree, panting and completely out of breath. I haven't felt so alive in years.

We look at each other and we burst out laughing frantically.

"You're fast for a girl." Mike says, still laughing.

"College track- and field team. I'm fast and strong. Is that a problem?" I say with a big grin. 

"No. I like strong women." He gives me a wink.

I flinch when I hear a branch break behind us. "Do you think he will keep looking for us?"

Mike shakes his head. "Nope. He doesn't get paid enough to make such kind of extra efforts. He's already back on his perch, watching porn on his cell, eating donuts and drinking beer. Believe me."

I cock my head and look at him with a frown. "How can you be so sure?"

Mike wiggles his eyebrows but I get no answer.

"Come on. It's still a few minutes to go."

The few minutes turn out to be at least half an hour. I'm just about to complain when we reach a big glade and suddenly we have a clear view of a big, dark lake that is surrounded by the woods from three sides.  The clearing we've just reached is the only way to approach this beautiful stretch of water. Moonlight illuminates the dreamlike scene. I'm amazed.

"Wow. This is fantastic." 

Mike just smiles at me and starts to flatten out a large blanket that must have been in his bag. 

"Come. Sit with me." 

I plop down right beside him. My arms wrapped around my knees I stare at the smooth surface of the dark waters. It calms me down immediately. Mike sits beside me, his long legs stretched out. We don't speak and we are surrounded by complete silence. There are no sounds. No traffic noise, no birds twittering, no wind that rustles through the trees. Only our soft breathing that soothes me even further. This is the kind of peace I've been looking for for so long. I lay down on my back and look at the sky. There are no clouds but what seems to be a million stars. We're literally lying under the Milky Way.

"This is beyond beautiful." I whisper after a while. Mike lays down beside me. He takes my hand but he keeps looking at the starlit sky.

"I know. It's my secret place. I go here often when my thoughts get too loud. It calms me down. That's why I thought it might give you some peace of mind."

"It does." I turn to look at him. "So who's the owner?" 

He gives me a cheeky smile. "My father."

"Are you kidding me?" I start laughing.

"No. He's a lumber merchant, owns a lumber mill and a lot of land. These woods are his assets."

"Then why the fuck did we have to creep through a hole in the fence and run away from the security guy?" I shake my head in disbelief.

"Well, let's just say we don't get along so well lately."

"What happened?"

"I threw a huge party in one of his cabins in the woods. It got a little out of hand and ended with a forest fire, a report to the police and lots of trouble."

"Oh shit."

"Yeah." Mike starts laughing. "Biggest pile of shit I've ever caused. So now I have to sneak in to visit my favorite places. And this lake is the best of all." 

"Yes. It's beautiful. So dark and enchanted somehow but not frightening. It's simply..."

"Romantic?" Mike looks me in the eyes and butterflies start flapping their wings in my belly.

"Yes." Is all I'm able to whisper.

Mike clears his throat and recites a poem I've never heard before.

"Along the shore the cloud waves break,

The twin suns sink beneath the lake,

The shadows lengthen

In Carcosa.

Strange is the night where black stars rise,

And strange moons circle through the skies,

But stranger still is

Lost Carcosa.

Songs that the Hyades shall sing,

Where flap the tatters of the King,

Must die unheard in

Dim Carcosa.

Song of my soul, my voice is dead;

Die thou, unsung, as tears unshed

Shall dry and die in

Lost Carcosa."

"This is beautiful." I say surprised. "What's it called?"

"It's from the book 'The King in Yellow" by Robert W. Chambers. The poem's called "Cassilda's Song""

"You're interested in literature and poetry?" I've really misjudged this guy.

"Well, to be honest, this place from the poem -Carcosa- it's mentioned in 'True Detective'. The TV show. You know it?"

"No, I don't." I shake my head.

"Really? It's a must-see. Matthew Mc Conaughey, Woody Harrelson. We can binge it tomorrow at my place. If you want to."

"Sure." 

"Well, anyway...I was kind of fascinated by this Carcosa thing and I looked it up on google and I found out about Chamber's book and then I read it and I really love it because it so morbid and dark and beautiful and especially Cassilda's Song reminds me of this place so much. This is my Carcosa. Dark, lost and strange but peaceful and soothing at the same time. It's good and bad, dark and light, sadness and joy. Like me." 

His voice is barely a whisper now and I suddenly have a lump in my throat. The sadness in his eyes is killing me and I can see that he's close to tears. 

I smile at him and touch his cheek. He turns to me and we kiss. Long, slow kisses. Sloppy. Sexy. Sensual. Intense. When we make love later that night on that itchy blanket under a sky full of stars, I know I've been wrong. When I scratch my nails into his back when he makes me come, when he sighs my name when he gets off,  when we talk for hours afterwards, cuddled up to each other, waiting for the sunrise, making plans for the new day, I know he's the best mistake I've ever made.

#henry cavill #cavillry #henry cavill fanfic #mike hellraiser #mike x ofc #mike hellraiser x ofc

[harry-sussex]

You're lovely, and I enjoy seeing your blog on my dashboard. I'm sorry this has been such a difficult thing to process. It's always really difficult to rework an image of someone you once thought you knew. However I'd like to just put it out there - sometimes (I think the large majority of the time) news is presented in the most sensationalist way, such that nowadays I make a point of de-sensationalizing any news I read in my head. In the case of the whole Harry's memoir thing- I can sympathize with Harry as a person possibly just wanting to take back some control of the narrative for himself. Not just in the most recent events with family (that I tend to think are less horrifying than the fandom/Twitter sussex squad discusses it anyway), but in all aspects of his life. I do not at all think he's going to put his family on blast. I can easily imagine Meghan reigning that dialogue in; she has the tendency to think before she speaks that he seems to lack. And he loves his family. Similar to The Interview promos, I imagine the publishing house knew to increase the interest by implying it to be a tell all memoir. I think he's just done a lot of growing up that he didn't know he had to do over a short period of time, esp re: implicit bias/racism in the setting of media's blatant attack on someone he loves, and is disappointed by the institution's and his family's response to it. I think he's emerged a more introspective and aware human, albeit a disillusioned one. Yes it breaks my heart to think that Meghan won't get a break from the tabloids any time soon. If I were him I'd counsel him to write it & sit on it for a few yrs. But I don't want to give the media the power to destroy Meghan in my mind, and I pray she & Harry won't either. I think she'll be okay. She's a strong one, and I think he's able to draw that same link for himself and be thoughtful about what he does. No one likes being misunderstood/misinterpreted, and I wouldn't be surprised if Harry's especially triggered by that given his history with the press. Maybe this idea emerged from therapy, idk. I can empathize with that, even if I wouldn't do it myself. I hope and pray Meghan gets the support she needs from him and her loved ones in the meantime. I'm honestly not going to read it. I think the less attention I give the BRF the better off they are, unless they're doing something immoral/illegal (see: Woking pizza alibi). And I think at the end of the day, people will unfairly judge other people, especially public figures that have tragic pasts and are publically fighting with the media. A lot of it is going to be noise and I'm not going to give my energy into figuring it out. I like to think I've got a good sense of who they are as people - flawed but ultimately well meaning and earnest. I'm a huge admirer of Meghan and think Harry got really lucky with this one and I'm proud of him for choosing her in more ways than one. I believe Harry and Meghan are lovely people, and I 100% believe their interview. I believe that there are people in the palace with a lot of unchecked power who deliberately uncovered her and Archie from BRF protection for reasons of believed superiority over Meg & Arch. And they're figuring out how to deal with that as a couple and a family. And it's none of my business past that imo. I pray for them and hope it'll eventually end in peace for them all. Just wanted to add another perspective, and hopefully some levity. xx M

Hi, dear. First thing’s first, I really appreciate that this is off anon lol. I love it when people own their opinions, and it says a lot that you did. So thank you for that.

Second of all, I really appreciate the nuance and perspective that is in this message. I agree that the news is sensationalist, and my initial reaction was based off of that. I did watch the promotional clips of the interview and I believe it did sour my expectations going into it when I watched it nearly a week after it aired. I did my best to stay away from Tumblr because I didn’t want that to hinder my view, but it was impossible to separate the promotions that presented the information one way from what it actually was, and thank you for bringing that up with respect to the memoir because I hadn’t considered it. I will say that my knee jerk reaction is pretty on par with the way I still feel about it 24 hours later, especially since I got the news directly, not from Tumblr or Twitter or anywhere else, but you’re right that it could have soured my view from the very start.

I appreciate that he wants to take back some of the narrative but I think that ship has sailed, tbh. He did that with the interview and now I just think it feels like information overload. At some point, people are going to get tired of hearing the wealthy, privileged, powerful Prince complain about his life while more than 4 million people have died due to a global pandemic in less than 2 years. Not to say that he doesn’t struggle - in the words of Roxane Gay, there is no oppression Olympics (and that can be extended to struggle Olympics) - but people view it that way and will get tired of it, if they haven’t already.

I also agree that Harry’s past with the press has tarnished the way he has handled the media and the public post-exit, when he’s finally in a position to strike back without being somewhat obliged to them as part of the circumstances of his birth. I understand and sympathize with him but I just don’t think the public does, and the public matters much, much more than the perspective of one single American fan, to whom he’s never been obliged, and I simply do not think the public will afford him that same understanding, sympathy, and leniency. The public and the media are critical to his humanitarian work - his mother never realized that towards the end of her life, and I truly don’t think she would have been the martyr/saint she is perceived to be now if she had lived, because she did not know how to meet the media in the middle and eventually that started to piss people off. He’s starting to piss people off now and if it doesn’t bother him personally (which it definitely does), I don’t want it to affect his causes. The Invictus Games, Sentebale, Walking with the Wounded, WellChild, Mayhew, Smartworks, Archewell, etc. deserve better than to suffer the wrath of the media and an apathetic public because their patrons simply will not shut up lol.

I guess my point is that they will be unfairly judged (regardless, but especially due to the way they’re handling things), and I think it would suit them better in the long run if they adopted a different strategy. I really sympathize with the fact that he feels frustrated with the narrative that has been manufactured but I really, really think the narrative will only get worse and worse as he continues to go on and on about how badly his life sucks, basically. Again, I don’t deny that he struggles - we all do, some more than others, especially when there are mental health issues - but the public, to me, simply does not care. My own therapist has told me to simply stop caring about the things that I discuss with him. Not to say that they’re not relevant, important, or worthy of discussion - they absolutely are - but his point is that you cannot change people and you are wasting your energy and struggling yourself because you want to change them so, so, so badly that you’re neglecting your own self care in the process. I hate that I do it to myself and I also hate that he appears to be doing it to himself. I’m sure a lot of this conversation has been brought up in his own therapy, and I’m no professional, but I’m doing my best to heed the advice of my own therapist - which is the opposite of what Harry is doing - and it’s done wonders for me, when I actually can do it.

If there’s anything I know from this whole thing, it’s that Harry is absolutely punching above his weight, love him as I may, and that he adores, adores, adores his wife. He has chosen her from the very second she came into his life and I couldn’t want anything more for him or from her. I’m not going to lie, I would have been in this thing for any wife that Harry chose, because I was here long before Meghan specifically came into his life. However, I am glad every day that he chose her, that he loves her, that he wants to protect her, that she loves him back, that he lives the life with her that he’s wanted as long as I (and I’m sure he) can remember. I love her because he loves her, and I would have no matter what, because at the end of the day, it’s his happiness and comfort that matters to me, that has mattered to me since I discovered him and how wonderful he can be more than 7 years ago. What more could I ask of Meghan? What more, as his fan to the end (annoy me as he may), could I want for him? Who could say anything about her in that regard? If there’s anything that has come of this mess, to me, it’s that Harry loves, loves, loves his wife. I will always be happy for him and I will always be proud of him for choosing her, even if I don’t always agree with the way he goes about it.

I’m looking forward to peace, too. I cannot wait for things to just die out, for them to work things out as a couple and as a family, and for everyone to move on. The family will still do their thing and the Sussexes can do theirs, but I cannot deal with this back and forth, tit for tat, petty nonsense anymore. They’re wonderful and flawed, like the rest of them (except Andrew), and I just hope that they can all come to some kind of agreement or terms that lets this die down. It’s exhausting for everyone - themselves included. If I’m this tired, I can only imagine how tired they all are.

Thanks for stopping by, and sorry for the essay (essays, these past 24 hours lol). I really appreciate your kindness in this message, your presence in my notifications (I do see them!), your nuanced perspective and like I said before, I really, really appreciate that you own it!

#Ask #possibilitiesofsainthood #Prince harry #duke of sussex #meghan markle #duchess of sussex #phmemoir

[soonhoonsol]

Tw // eating disorder , childhood trauma

I have a weird confession I never thought I would make. I think I might be genderfluid? Or non binary? Idk but lately I havent been feeling like girly. And I've always been uncomfortable with my body but I figured it was just childhood trauma from eating disorders.... Idk ever since I got my side cut (which in the beginning just made me feel more in contact with the liking girls part of my sexuality) I've been noticing a lot of behaviours that so far I've only met in non binary identifying people... Idk what this all means but... Idk. I've gone from thinking I like girls, to thinking I was bi. Then being told that I'm technically pan from the way I describe my sexuality and now when I talk with people who are non binary I can recognise a lot in myself.... And when I take photos where you can only see the sidecut but still see my feminine presenting facial structure I feel some kind of weird. And I've started remembering a lot of things from my childhood I thought I had suppressed beyond reconcile.... Like telling guys not to call me a girl. feeling insulted when they said I was a guy but also not liking being called girl. And just. Idk what's happening inside me and honestly it might just be because I spend too much time on the internet and I need to get out of my head. Also I've never liked labelling stuff, prefer just vibing so I feel weird just thinking about labelling my gender cause I've never thought that would be necessary or that I would feel a need or want for it... Idk I'm going through something here, sorry for using your inbox I just feel safe here

Update on the gender confusion: I changed my animal crossing character to be non binary and I feel happy? It's still slightly female because I like the eyes better they shiney

Hey anon!! I'm really glad you think of my blog as a safe space 💞 I know this must've been difficult to type but I'm so proud of you for doing it!

Idk much about this gender stuff because it's very looked down upon in my country, but I believe you don't necessarily need a label? If you wanna vibe, go for it! If certain words make you feel uncomfortable, people should be mindful of that and respect your decisions :)

And if changing your animal crossing character's gender to non binary makes you feel happy, then that's a step in the direction of trying to figure out your identity. You don't need to declare who you are right now; life is about experimentation and trying things out. It'll take time, but I'm sure you will find an identity you are comfortable with 🙂

As long as you're happy, then it's all worth it ❣️💖💕

#askchey #anonymous #giving you all my support anon!!

[valkerymillenia]

Umbrella Academy

season 2, episode 7

More thoughts and live blogged reactions.

1982. I'm assuming Five used a briefcase... But in s1 we saw that the briefcase travels are tracked (Hazel and Cha-Cha got reprimanded for Klaus's Vietnam trip) so I'm not sure how the board doesn't know someone is coming... I might be overthinking.

Five being creepy.

Is that a Fudge Nutter like Handler mentioned in season 1? Oh, it is.

Jesus, Five! Anger management for you, old man.

AAHH! THEY LET FIVE SAY FUCK! Fucking finally! 🤣

How did nobody notice that destruction? 😆

Oh, the axe! Is Five going to go all American psycho? Because I'd love to see that.

HOLY SHIT!

That smile!

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!

Is he using tiny time travel bursts like Reggie said? Or a briefcase? Or is he just that fast?

AJ hiding under the table 😆

Pausing to drink water and grin, what a psycho, I love him.

He's definitely using time jumps but they are so controlled that I'm guessing briefcase or Handler little time stopping trick. I'm so proud of my mass murder baby.

... Vending machine? Lady, you have interesting priorities.

CRICKET BAT!

Wait! AJ's human body feels pain? How?

Please make Five swallow the fish like in the comics! Please, please, please, please.

The dancers are just like

I LOVE FIVE! The lengths this little killer will go for his family are unbelievable, nobody should ever doubt his love and devotion for them ever again.

This whole murder scene was incredible and Five's obvious glee made it even better. FEAR HIM!

Jesus, Klaus is so afraid of being possessed that he's afraid to sleep and Ben just mocks him? 😘💋 I get that this is supposed to be a funny 'brothers messing with each other' kind of thing but Klaus feels so unsafe that it makes me uncomfortable. What happened to you, Ben, when did you become so dark? You were the nice one!

Ben just getting closer and closer every time Klaus closes his eyes just gave me Doctor Who flashbacks.

"I hate your face" "I hate all of you" - Don't say that boys! You know you love each other.

Ok, Ben has a point. I'm actually liking this conversation. And I'm liking that Klaus is starting to understand his brother.

Ok, this is such a brother conversation. And Klaus constantly pretending not to know who Jill is 😆

Ground rules... Well, at least it's consensual now. That's something. See? Communication works.

Damn, the tension at the lunch table cut be cut with a knife. I'm scared what Carl is going to do.

Ray and Allison have a lovely relationship but I finally identified the problem, the tension I was feeling between since them a few eps back. It's not about Allison's secrets at all, is about Ray being so obsessed with his crusade that he completely overlooks Allison's feelings, he only pays attention to her when they are on the page about the mission. He sees her powers and his first thought is 'we could use this for the cause', Allison is clearly distressed and sad and even says she doesn't feel well and all he can think about is the damn JFK meeting. He's not a bad person and he's not doing it on purpose but he has a workaholic one-track mind that could easy turn into neglect for Allison. He clearly loves her and I'm rooting for them so much but I know that if asked to choose between Allison and his cause, he'll pick his cause.

So Five is done with the killing. I figured this might weigh on his conscience, it's one thing to kill for a greater good or survival, coldly and detached, it's another thing to slaughter for selfish reasons (even if his selfish reasons are a greater good).

Handler going all mom on him and wiping his face. 😆

"What I did today, I did for my family" -we know, baby, and they better respect you for it. You love then so much.

90 minutes??? Wtf, I knew Handler would try to screw Five over but that's just cruel, she's forcing him to uproot the family without even giving them time to say goodbye and that's even IF he can get to all of them on time.

It's not a name, you idiots. Also, that's Olga, not öga.

Don't harass the poor woman... Oh God, you guys are such morons... Diego, you dramatic little bitch...

"Wrong number. Have a lovely day" 🤣🤣🤣

I love the new dumbass buddy cop dynamic between Diego and Luther. This is the sort of positive brotherly dynamic they always should have had instead of being pitted against each other all their lives.

"you have some blood on you" "a lot of blood, actually. Five, what did you do?" -the casual, mildly annoyed way they ask is hilarious, if they knew what he did they'd be horrified (and possibly impressed).

Handler's militaristic chic dress is fabulous. I personally don't like it very much (or the message it sends) but it's haute couture and incredibly designed. Also, the bleached hair is back!

"any questions?" And then she leaves without listening. Power move 😏

Luther trying to comfort Diego like the dork he is. 🤣

Really though, I feel bad for Diego, and Five is under so much pressure that I don't blame him for snapping.

"I'm shy" -are you, Klaus? Are you really? You keep walking around in underwear in front of dozens of people, you're not shy.

So is Klaus lactose intolerant?

Ok, so far the possession thing is not as bad as some people were claiming. So far.

"stay focused" *giggle* -oh Ben, you dork 😆

Ahah, Ben enjoying all the different sensory stimuli. Adorable. He's just so happy, poor boy.

Dirt angels. SO CUTE ❤️

I know this all supposed to be cute and all but it would also be a perfect moment for Ben for experience Klaus's powers (the constant hauntings) as well as his addiction and the claustrophobic expectations of the cult. It would be an excellent chance to make Ben understand why Klaus is the way he is, seeing as Klaus is making a huge effort (and sacrifice) to do the same for Ben. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening because I think they want to keep this part about Ben.

By end of season 1 Klaus cried that people still didn't take him seriously, his compassion despite all his suffering made him likeable and deep, but this season he's back to being the family joke, I don't like that there's no resolution to that. But let's see where this goes, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Oh God, Carl's talk is freaking me out.

"who I am is not a disease" -very powerful LGBT+ statement considering it's the 60s!!!!

Oh, the blackmail...

Everybody keeps expecting Vanya to explode every time she gets emotional but this scene proves how much control she truly has. Respect!

Oh, finally Claire is mentioned! I've been rather upset that Allison hasn't mentioned her daughter even once this season (does Ray even know he has a stepdaughter?) seeing as most of her arc in season 1 revolved around her love and guilt over Claire.

Luther is right when he says they don't get live formal lives because they are special but Allison is even more right when she says that's not fair. This is why this family needs to stick together and love each other, they are the only ones that can really understand each other's struggles.

"hope" -Luther, you really are such a sweet summer child.

OH! I CAN FINALLY SEE ALLISON'S SCAR! The lighting in this scene makes it really obvious. Finally.

Ben and the strawberry. 🤣

"you're different today. You're dorkier" ah! First time anyone called Ben 'Sassy' Hargreeves dorky.

Oh Ben, you're adorable... Wait, "smell your hair"? What the fuck, Ben? You weirdo.

Holy crap! Jill is really forward, isn't she? Hippies, man.

Ben stuttering! 😆🤣 He died a virgin, didn't he?

It's funny but please tell me he isn't actually considering that in his brother's body...

Wait, did Klaus slap him because he doesn't want to have sex or because he's trying to stop Ben from ruining his own chance by saying too much?

Actually, I'm almost sure it's the second one, Klaus is playing wingman on his own body!

WHAT????

Ok so Ben IS a virgin but "you, me and Keechie"? What the fuck, Klaus? You slept with the fanatical crybaby and your brother's crush????

"Klaus, you're so filthy!" "Yes, you are, daddy." -Ben, this girl is not right for you. Run, boy!

AHAHAHAH ASDFGDDGGHSGSGASFHDBKDIS 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 DIEGO CALLING HIM DADDY!

Wait, AJ can speak without the body/suit/whatever?

Handler is going a little bit fascist dictator, isn't she?

Gotta admit, Handler really is such a mom in her own twisted way.

Ben giggling when he talks to Diego. Cute.

"Luther sniffs Dad's underwear" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

AWWWWWWWW, BEN AND DIEGO! THE CHILDHOOD HIJINKS! THE HUG!

GOD, THE HUG! ❤️

I need all the siblings hugging Ben now!

"you stay in this body, we need someone responsible behind the wheel" -Diego, I understand what you mean given the situation, but you playing obvious favorites between your brothers when free will and body autonomy are on the line is a little creepy.

"no one is insignificant" -that line is so loaded when used on Vanya.

Oh no, Vanya and Five playing the blame game is so bad... They used to be so close... They are both under so much pressure, this won't end well.

Oh boy, Five looks like he's on the verge of crying and Vanya sees that! I bet that's why she backed down. 😲😢

The Lila and Diego conversation is heartbreaking without even trying...

Is that Elliot? Is Diego burying Elliot because nobody else will? Diego really does have a heart of gold.

Don't drinkit! I'm pretty sure Lila is drugging you.

Yup, there it is.

What is she planning?

Once again, it's all about the movement with Ray.

"I would take my one year with you over a lifetime with anybody else." 😭 Oh Ray ❤️

But I get the feeling this won't end so easily.

There it is, the Swedes just arrived. And the smart assholes went right for Allison's throat.

You don't need the coffee can, Sissy. The Hargreeves are loaded.

Sissy, hurry up.

BEN, YOU ARE SUCH A 90s KID!!! So the Backstreet Boys are Ben's fault, God, I love this dork 🤣

Come on, Allison, you can fight better than this!

Good girl!

Klaus and Ben running and fighting each other at the same time 😆

Holy shit, that is some Exorcist level vomiting!

Poor Klaus, I totally get Ben's side in this (pretty sure he was trying to save Klaus by getting him to Five ASAP) but this whole thing made me mildly uncomfortable. Klaus just keeps sacrificing for everyone and nobody respects his boundaries.

Holy shit, Allison! That is so cruel! I like it though, so ruthless and vicious. 😈

Problem- Allison can't just leave Ray with a white corpse in the house. Especially not in Texas, death penalty and all.

Oh Sissy, you dumbass. You're a sweetheart but also a dumbass.

Ok, Lila is pretty insane. That's for sure.

Five:

"I don't want to hurt you" - well, Vanya warned them.

My baby is getting really good with her powers.

I hope that hit to the head doesn't give Vanya her memory back, that's so cliché and convenient, or would be really bad writing.

SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN. I'm dying to see more!!!!!!

#tua #tua s2 #tua s2 spoilers

[my-journeyblog-blog]

I had to take the initiative and ask for help in order to deal with my hoarding and get my life together. I also reached out for help on the phone at a local mental health center. That was the hardest part. But once I reached out, everything else has gradually been falling into place in my life. I feel like for once in my life I'm going to get better. I never thought I was going to get out of my comfort zone and reach out for help. Moreover, I decided to seek support from VHA home healthcare since I don’t have the money to go to therapy. VHA was a really good thing because Tracey (the VHA supervisor), helped me to assess and diagnose my disorder; she was so kind and understanding and didn’t judge me at all, so I am so glad I contacted VHA. Apparently hoarding disorders happen a lot more than people might think.

Tracey from VHA invited me to join the Buried in Treasures (BIT) support group and I have been attending the group for the past month. Tracey, another facilitator, other hoarders and myself meet weekly to discuss concepts raised in the Buried in Treasures book. The book is written by psychiatrists and approaches hoarding as a mental disorder and provides a lot of coping skills and approaches to hoarding. It really helps to know that I am not alone in having this disorder. Something I have learned in the group is that hoarders can be at different stages in their recovery and that it is something that has to be consistently addressed. Some people in the group have also mentioned that they sometimes have difficulty feeling in control and that the clutter is controlling them. Also, both facilitators pointed out that as we make more space in our homes, there can be a tendency to start hoarding again. Since it’s a slippery slope and any one of us can fall back into hoarding, we are encouraged to continue to make decluttering and organizing goals for ourselves. Writing goals on post-its and placing them on anything we regularly look at is helpful, too.

Tim is also reading the book Buried in Treasures which has sections written specifically for family and friends of hoarders to help them understand and how to help their loved ones dealing with this disorder. I also put the divorce papers in a file for safekeeping, but only because it is a legal document; it doesn’t represent a lost husband to me anymore. Tim is so proud of me for recognizing that I had this mental health challenge and that I reached out for help. VHA and Tim’s support have been so important in helping me get to the root of the problem and to change my thinking.

Tracey also assigned a volunteer to see me once a week for two hours to help me declutter and organize. The book is teaching me how to replace negative hoarding behaviour with more positive behaviours. My family doctor also prescribed medications for me to treat my anxiety and depression. She told me that the meds will help me to be emotionally stable so I can deal with the hoarding disorder more effectively. I am so happy that I am improving. Tim sees that I'm getting better and healthier, too. Today he and I started decluttering and cleaning my apartment and I have never been happier when I see the results. I'm going to miss all my stuff but this is a new journey and I love having more floor space and a cleaner apartment.

I'm really pleased with the progress in my life. Admitting that I have a hoarding disorder and reaching out for help has been key to my recovery. Hoarding has caused so many problems in my life that I wasn’t even aware of. My relationships have improved, my living space is more manageable, and I can actually clean my apartment in places that were inaccessible before. For months I thought I had allergies because I was sneezing all the time but after I vacuumed and dusted I stopped sneezing. It’s distressing to think that the hoarding affected my physical health for so long.

Now that my apartment has more space I've decided to try to adopt a dog again. As I mentioned in my first blog, I already bought the dog supplies.

[mental-health-advice]

Hi! I want to start off by saying I love your blog! Keep it up

Hi darling,

That's so lovely of you to say! We really appreciate your kindness

Before I say anything, I want to stress that we’re in no way professionals. Therefore anything we suggest about what might be going on is just that- a suggestion. It’s in no way a diagnosis. These suggestions can be wrong, some of the suggestions we list might not be possible, or there are more options than what we list. We’d also recommend you not to self-diagnose for the reasons listed here. If you want to know what’s going on, I’d highly recommend you to see a mental health professional. You can visit your GP / local doctor and explain to them briefly what’s been going on. They’ll be able to refer you to a therapist, counsellor, psychiatrist, or other mental health professional. You can read more about getting help here. Once seeing a professional, you’ll most likely get an assessment in which they’ll look with you at what you’re dealing with, and potentially what label would fit to those struggles. Out of such an assessment also comes an advice for treatment to start, which is an advice that I’d recommend you to follow.

It sounds like your self image is quite low lately, causing you to feel like none of your friends want you around anymore, that you’re failing at everything you do, and causing loneliness and worthlessness after something you used to love. It’s really tough when we feel so low about ourselves! Something that can really help to boost up your self image is a ‘whitebook’. This is a literal translation of a Dutch word, so sorry if it sounds a bit silly. A whitebook is a notebook (pick a pretty one!) in which you write down positive things about each day. When you start, this will most likely feel very uncomfortable, as it’s completely opposite to how you’re used to think. Therefore it can help to start small and general. So you don’t have to write a lot down, just two or three things, and they can be about anything. The sun was shining, you overheard a nice conversation in the train, you pet a cat, anything! Then once this starts to feel a bit more normal, try to increase the amount of things you write down. Challenge yourself by first going for four things a day, then five, etc. I think ten would be a good number to work towards. What you see is that you can now write down ten things, but these often will be very general (about the weather, etc.). So let’s try to make it more personal. Set yourself the goal to write down two personal things each day. What I mean with personal is that it has to be something positive about you. Something you did, said, thought, felt. This is still quite a broad criterium, but at first this will be difficult too! I got as far as doing this, but the only reason I could do it was by writing down ‘I showered today’ and ‘I tutored today’. I’d only write down the things that I’d done and in a way I was choosing the easy way then, as writing this down didn’t make me feel better about myself. So the next challenge was to write down two personal things about me, that didn’t include things I’d done, unless if it was something I was proud of for doing. So if I’d done something really challenging, then it could be one of those two things, but if it was something I’d do more often and wasn’t so hard, it wouldn’t be one of those two personal things. So I had to write down things more like ‘I was struggling today but I managed to pull myself out of my slump and I feel a bit better now’ or ‘the kid I tutor got a pass mark because of my tutoring’.

Writing down these positive things is already a big step in the right direction, but there’s more! In the back of your whitebook, you keep a list with positive characteristics of yourself. If you can think of some positive characteristics right away you can write them down already! But there’s much and much more that can be added to that list eventually. These other characteristics that you can’t think of yourself right away will come from the positive personal things you write down each day. So to stick to my example of the kid I tutor getting a pass mark, there are a bunch of positive characteristics that fit to this. Patience, the ability to explain something in an understandable way, bonding with the tutoring kid, etc. So there are multiple positive characteristics that come from one positive personal thing! I personally find it really hard to think of these positive characteristics, but what really helps me there is the friend-question; if a friend had done this positive thing, what positive characteristics would I describe them with? I’m much kinder to my friends than I am to myself, so then I can write down the positive characteristics I’d write down for my friends, and then reevaluate about whether those maybe fit to me as well. Eventually you’ll get a long list of positive characteristics. It will be most helpful if you regularly read over this list so that it’s a constant reminder that you as a person are so much more than the negative image you have of yourself!

Like I mentioned before, we aren’t professionals and we can’t tell you what exactly is going on. When you visit your GP or a mental health professional, it can however be good to know what symptoms are worth mentioning. I personally think that anything that bothers you is worth mentioning! But sometimes when we’re struggling, some of our symptoms become so normal that we forget to mention them. If you think this will be the case for you too, then it might help to have a look at the symptoms of depression that I will list below. You’ll see that some of the symptoms that you mention in your ask will be on this list, so those definitely would be good to mention! Any symptoms you mention in this ask really, since those are clearly bothering you! If from the list you recognise any other symptoms, it’s good to manage those too. What I do want you to keep in mind, is that even if you match a lot of the symptoms, this doesn’t mean you have depression. It’s all complex. Anyway, symptoms for depression can include:

Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness;

Loss of interest in daily activities;

Appetite or weight changes;

Sleep changes;

Anger or irritability;

Loss of energy;

Self-loathing;

Reckless behaviour;

Concentration problems;

Unexplained aches and pains.

(Source) 

If it turns out that you are struggling with depression, it can be really good to look into treatment options. Treatment for depression usually includes medication, therapy, or a combination of both. The latter is most often advised, as medication on its own doesn’t really address certain thought patterns you might experience (which is helpful to address when in recovery), and while therapy on its own can make a big difference, being on medication can help a lot to get the energy you need to work hard in therapy. So in a way, medication can make therapy more productive. If a combination isn’t possible for you, then it definitely will be helpful too to choose either. I hope that you can take some steps with the help of this answer lovely, and that you found it at least a little bit helpful! If there’s anything else we can do for you, please let us know!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful Love Pauline

#mental health #advice #advice blog #depression #straight A's #friends #GSA #gay straight alliance #poetry #self image #worthlessness #low self image #mhapauline #Anonymous

[brainscattered]

hi, i'm back. 💌

in this blog, i thought i'd speak about what's been bothering me the most all ny fourteen years. i can't love myself. i really can't. although i thought i do. the problem is, i've been doing everything for people to love me because i can't, and when i can't seek their validation, i get super down and it just makes me hate myself more. i've attempted twice this year and i left myself with battle scars.

i started to notice this when i've been getting into fights with my boyfriend because i get jealous easily. he's friendly by nature to anyone, but i can't accept the fact that he'll always have pretty faced female friends and reallyyyyy pretty ex crushes that also liked him back. he told me the reason why i can't accept that 'cus if i can't love myself, then how can he expect me to believe him when he says i'm the prettiest. it was true. but some was his fault too, he would like and share pictures of girls i get jealous of he knows intentionally, he liked getting back at me for what mistakes i do. i feel more insecure of myself more than last year and the years before. i can't love my dry hair with split ends, i can't love my pale skin and lips, i can't love my eyes carrying dark bags, i can't love my skin with dark spots pimples and black heads, i can't love my fat belly rolls, i can't love my dark armpits, i can't love my fat thighs and looking at the mirror is what disgusts me THE MOST.

i use a term for myself, it's flawsome. because i'm full of flaws that's why i can't understand the fact that boys go crazy for me. they say that despite my great looks and body is that i'm fun to talk and hang out with,, they say that i'm also smart and talented in some ways. i mean, sure, i can't disagree with that. but i'm not really good in arts because all i do is study other artists' works and try them. in terms of acads, i'm an honor student but i don't really appreciate it 'cus it's normal for me, knowing i'm a science highschool student and i'm only doing what i'm expected to be doing at school. and what i'm really good at is being creative and being a leader of various organizations because dealing with diff people has become a challenge for me that i face since my freshman year and i excelled in it, people liked me too.

what i'm saying is, i can make people love me but that doesn't mean i love myself too. they don't see how far i had to climb and how heavy i had to carry on my shoulders just so i could prove myself to them. i guess everything started when my dad started showing me he's disappointed in me since i was younger and he would compare me to my bestfriend a lot in kindergarten. through my elem years, i would always have non curricular awards because i'm not prestigious enough to make myself an honor student, so they'd take my awards as nothing on recognition days. and now as a highschool student, i'm a consistent honor since freshmen year up to now, sophomore year. yet they don't show interest anymore. they think it's too easy for students in k to 12 nowadays. having this kind of environment, would you think i could really love myself?

but enough of this, because i've thought of a way now on how i think i could enjoy myself and think i'll be socially accepted because i can finally think i belong and think i can beat all those other girls my boyfriend looks at. he's been telling me i don't need anything to make me look pretty 'cus natural and simplicity is beyond great, yet he looks at girls and likes their tiktoks with full make up on in their pretty dresses. all boys say that, wtf is wrong with ya'll?

anyway, i'd like to buy lots of makeup for myself, i'd like to dress pretty with clothes i want to wear, i'd rather have an iphone so that i could take pictures and videos of me and whatever than this phone i had for years and it's rarely keeping up :‹ !!! but the main problem is that all my fUCKING HARD EARNED MONEY IS GONE,, whY? oh because my mother took it, we have no 💰 to spare — oH, that's for another topic, aight? in conclusion, i'd like to dress up pretty for myself so that i could finally love myself step by step because i'm already at stage one: managing my hair and skin care routine. it's been nice lately, not gonna lie, i'm pretty proud about it.

i know that someday, i'll be able to love myself too. so that i won't be causing much trouble for people i've been bothering with my attitude and that i'll be able to sit and look pretty too !! :)

for now, i'll delude myself with this 👇

this has been,

Jeune Cathleen

with my ikalawang liham.

[littlebitofbass]

Hi Jen! I'm a new ed fan and lately some people in my country's fandom started being really mean towards new fans. There's a M&G contest and I don't want to participate because old sheerios say that since I'm a new fan I don't deserve it. I'd really love to meet Ed, I've discovered him late, but also at the perfect time, right after I've experience one of the most difficult things in my 25 years. I feel like I'm so late to the party, and that I'm really bad fan :(

New fan pt.2 Circumstances in my life cause me to shut down from things I enjoyed when I was young, by the end of 2016 I was really depressed and then he come back. Thanks to my 15-year-old niece I started listening to him more, first ÷ and then obviously fell in love with + and x (speacially +) I just didn’t know there was so much more than TOL. Now I’m trying to listen and learn everthing I can. Your blog has been very helpful, thanks for spreading your Ed wisdom to newbies like me

Hello! I’m so sorry that other fans have made your experience here rough. I honestly think there is no bad time to discover Ed’s music. It only makes sense that we all come across different things at different times. You can’t help when you find something, and there’s no way to speed up or slow down the process, especially if you don’t know what it is you’re looking for until after you find it. You know? And just because someone randomly discovers a thing before or after you do, that doesn’t have anything at all to do with whether or not they’re a “good” fan or “deserve” anything more than any other fan. Let me show you one of my favorite things Ed himself has ever said about becoming a fan: 

He actually tweeted that a little before I discovered him myself, but it used to get shared around all the time. Back when this fandom was a bit smaller and more welcoming, I guess. But the point is that we’re not and never have been some sort of exclusive club with rankings based on how long we’ve been around, and anyone who treats this fandom like it’s a thing that’s not allowed to grow and change or thinks new fans shouldn’t be allowed the same opportunities as older fans is trying to make this whole thing into something other than what it is. The truth is there’s no hierarchy here. No one is even running this place like an organized group. We’re literally just a big crowd of people who all like the same music, and everyone here holds exactly the same level of importance as everyone else. Trying to assign more significance to some of the people in the crowd than others is pointless and silly. I suppose the fans you’re talking about just want to feel like they are special… but I think there are only two ways to look at it: either no one here is special, or everyone is. I prefer the second one. :) 

If it makes you feel any better, though. You’re not alone in your experience. There are actually quite a lot of people from a lot of different countries who feel the same way as you – that because they’re new, that makes them bad fans. Nothing could be further from the truth! There’s also a lot of pressure to learn everything you can learn about Ed and his older music as quickly as possible so people won’t think you’re… fake, I guess? But something to keep in mind - both for older and newer fans - is that no one can instantly know everything there is to know about something as soon as they find it. You know? And “testing” people on their knowledge of older stuff just so you can judge them is mean and uncalled for. 

I remember I went to a concert once in 2013, and it was a One Direction concert but I was wearing an Ed Sheeran t-shirt, and since I went to the concert alone I tried to talk to the girls who were sitting behind me. One of them noticed my shirt and immediately started testing me to see if I was a “real” Ed fan, like asking me my favorite song off Loose Change, clearly expecting me not to have ever listened to anything but +. She was impressed with my answer, but gosh it made me angry that she thought it mattered, like I wasn’t worthy of wearing Ed on my shirt if I only knew The A Team and Lego House. Which is so not the case. If you like Ed’s music – any of it! – then you should feel proud to wear his merch, not wary that some stuck-up person is going to give you an exam. Coincidentally, that was the same day that Ed had followed me on twitter, and I didn’t have a smart phone at the time and hadn’t talked to anyone about it – I was still a little bit shocked over it, really – so I told the girl just so I’d have someone to fangirl with, and right away she pulled out her phone to check and see if I was lying. :/ 

I think we probably all have experiences like this within our fandom. I like to say that we’re a big group of great people, and I do think that there are tons of great people around here, but there are also people like this girl, and like the fans that have given you a hard time. It doesn’t stop once you’re not new anymore, either. I’ve been around for a while and I get hassled online all the time. Every day, actually. I mostly don’t post the shitty messages I get, but I can’t remember the last time I checked my inbox and didn’t have at least one message either insulting me or insulting Ed or someone close to him. Some of them are super easy to ignore, like the ones that just say “fat” and “stupid” but there are also those passive-aggressive messages from people who hate you specifically but whose friends probably wouldn’t consider them a troll, questions intentionally designed to make you feel bad by playing on insecurities, the kind that are like, “Don’t you think that Ed probably finds you annoying?” or “Your last post made me cringe. Aren’t you embarrassed that Ed might see it?” or even, “Why do you think your opinion on his music even matters to anyone? Just curious.” Of course, those answers are 1. No 2. Nope and 3. Literally someone asked me my opinion, but I tend to immediately delete the question and/or block the user and pretend they never existed because I refuse to let some anonymous asshole take up space on my blog with their horse shit. Sometimes I also turn off anon asks for a while when that happens (which is what I’ve done now).

I guess what I’m saying is… some people are mean. Some people think it’s acceptable to treat others poorly. And just because we like the same music doesn’t mean we’re going to get along all the time. But you can’t let that sort of thing stop you from being you, doing what you like to do, and enjoying the good experiences that also come from being in Ed’s fandom – like winning a meet and greet if you can. I promise you will be able to find other fans in your country who aren’t rude. Maybe they will end up being your best friends! Just please don’t let the haters affect your sense of self worth. You’re better than that. 

:)

#reply #fandom