#I'm not in a position where i can explore my gender with other queer people

[love-takes-work]

I've seen a fair number of people interpret Rebecca Sugar's (and the Crew's) decision to put Ruby in a dress as subversive, and I want to discuss why that feels like a clear miss to me.

Every time--every single time--I've heard Rebecca Sugar talk about the queer relationships on this show, it comes with this expression of wholesomeness, and often glazed with a sheen of wistfulness, flavored something like "I needed this as a child and young person, and I didn't have it." Much of Rebecca Sugar's work to bring this wedding (and other unapologetic queer relationships) to the screen was framed as an emergency--as in, we HAVE to get this out there for those kids we used to be, because we know they're drowning.

Yes, it's funny sometimes when people make jokes about Sugar deliberately "adding more gay" or "making it gayer" as a big eff-you to the people who spoke against it, but that doesn't sit right from where I'm standing. It took so much strength (and resulted in so much battle damage) to fight that fight, yes. But from everything I can see from the interviews and conversations I've seen and read, this wasn't served up in a "ha-HA, take THAT!" kind of way. These characters having these kinds of relationships should have been a non-issue, and the fact that their very wholesome kids'-show wedding and very sweet kiss and very adorable love for each other was seen as Political when it should have been just two characters in love is so sad to me.

I've seen dozens of people suggest that Ruby is in a dress and Sapphire is in a suit "to fuck with the bigoted censors in other countries" or "to give the finger to gender roles," but again, I think it is simpler and sweeter than that. Rebecca's said that Ruby in a dress is how she feels in a dress. Celebration and exploration of feminine-coded stuff felt wrong to Rebecca for a long time, like it wasn't hers, because she wasn't really a woman and didn't want it forced on her. As a result she was robbed of all the beauty that should have been a non-issue, from what TV shows and toys she was supposed to enjoy as a kid to what kind of person she was supposed to marry and what she should wear as an adult.

Ruby never got a choice about how she looked really. Once she got to choose her presentation for a significant event, this is what she chose. It means so much more to see that than to construct it primarily as a reactionary measure, as if it would somehow foil the sinister censors in more homophobic countries (who, incidentally, are not therefore forced to show Ruby in a dress even though they tried to hide that Ruby was a "she" or that she was in a romantic relationship with another "she"; y'all, they just don't show the episode).

We see plenty of other examples of gender-role-related expectations being casually stepped on and squashed, like when they took the trouble to give traditionally masculine and traditionally feminine "clothes" to some watermelons to make the audience think there was a husband and wife watermelon only to have the wife be the warrior and the husband stay home with the child. With stuff like that, yeah, sure, maybe it's designed to make you think "oh isn't that very feminist of them!" Or maybe it's more "well why do I see this as a 'reversal' when it's just a thing that happened?" This show is full of ladyish beings who fight and have power. And as for Steven. . . .

Nobody has negative reactions onscreen (or even particularly confused reactions) when Steven wears traditionally feminine clothes, and it is (of course) also not presented as a "boy in a dress gag"--it's not supposed to be funny. When they go all in slathering Steven in literal princess tropes throughout the final act of Season 5, we understand that it's because the powerful Diamonds expect him to be Pink Diamond, not because the show is trying to girlify him or embarrass him or even make the audience think positive thoughts about boys in girls' clothes. It's more neutral than that in my interpretation: "these are literally just pieces of cloth, and while some of them have meaning, they don't inherently have a gender." I don't see this as transgressive. It's just in a world where putting on what you want to wear doesn't HAVE to be a political statement. (Though obviously it CAN be, and plenty of people wear a variety of clothes as a fuck-you to whoever they want to give the finger to. I just don't see that as happening here.)

Don't get me wrong; Rebecca Sugar certainly knew about the politics (intimately) and has lived at many of their intersections. She was not ignorant of how queer people are seen in this world. She was silenced as a bisexual person because her identity supposedly didn't matter if she was with a man and planned to be with that same man forever. She was shunted into "omg a woman did this!" categories over and over again, which she wore uneasily as a nonbinary person while accepting that part of who we are is how the world sees us. But what is it like if everything someone like her embraces is seen as a statement synonymous with "fuck you" to someone else?

She is married to a person who happens to be a man and happens to be Black. Her relationship isn't a "statement" about either of those aspects of his existence; her love is simply something that is. She is Jewish working in a society that's largely Christian. Her cultural perspective to NOT center her cartoon around Christian holidays and Christian morals; her choices to make an alternate world in this specific way is simply something that is. Her queer perspective as a nonbinary bisexual person has helped inform the Gems' radical philosophy of "what if we learned to explore and define ourselves instead of doing the 'jobs' we're assigned and being told it's our nature?" Her decision to include queer people in a broadly queer cartoon isn't designed PRIMARILY as a battle against baddies, or to drown out all the relentless straightness, or to deliciously get our queer little paws all over their kids' TV. It's an act of love.

So this is just to say that though I DO understand that sometimes subversion and intentional transgression are very necessary, I do not think that's the HEART of what's going on at this Gem wedding. We got a wholesome marriage scene between two of the most lovely little flawed-but-still-somehow-perfect characters, and I very much want to see their choices as being about them. About how Ruby feels in a dress. About how Sapphire feels about not having to always wear a dress. About them incorporating a symbol of their union into their separate lives so they can have some independence in their togetherness. About them celebrating their love by letting Steven wipe his schmaltz all over them.

There are many choices in the show that ARE carefully constructed to counter existing narratives, you know, giving the Crystal Gems' only boy all the healing, pink, flower imagery; having a single-sex species that's ladyish with all the members going by "she"; featuring many nurturing male characters who cry and cook and raise kids without mothers; pairing multiple fighty ladies with gentler guys; and importantly, intentionally loading up the show with stories, characters, and imagery any gender will find appealing despite being tasked with expectations to pander to the preteen boy demographic.

But it's very important to me that the inclusion of queer characters and the featuring of their choices be seen primarily as a loving act, and way way less of a "lol screw the bigots." I want our stories to be about us. Yes, I know it's a necessary evil that sometimes our stories are also about fighting Them. But every time I see someone say they put Ruby in the dress to "piss off the homophobes" or "stump the censors" I feel a little gross. Like the time I picked out an outfit I loved and my mom said I only dressed in such an obnoxious way to upset her, and I was baffled because my aesthetic choices, my opinions, my choices had nothing to do with her. Yet they were framed like I chose these clothes primarily to cause some kind of petty harm to her, when not only was it not true but I was not even that kind of person who would gloat over intentionally irritating someone.

The queerness of this show isn't a sneaky, underhanded act trying above all to upset a bigot or celebrate someone's homophobic fury. It lives for itself. Its existence is about itself. It's so we can see ourselves in a show, and it's so people who aren't queer or don't have those experiences can see that we exist, we participate, we want very similar things, and definitely are focusing way more about celebrating our love at our own weddings rather than relishing the thought of bigots tearing their hair out and hating us.

It's dangerous to turn every act of our love into a deliberate movement in a battle strategy when their weddings just get to be weddings.

I think there’s this idea that that [queer characters] is something that applies or should be only discussed with adults that is completely wrong. And I think when you realize that talking to kids about heteronormativity is just like air that you breathe all the time, it’s kind of amazing that that is not true in any other capacity. I think if you wait to tell kids, to tell queer youth that it matters how they feel or that they are even a person, then it’s going to be too late! You have to talk about it—you have to let it be what it gets to be for everyone. I mean, like, I think about, a lot of times I think about sort of fairy tales and Disney movies and the way that love is something that is ALWAYS discussed with children. And I think also there’s this idea that’s like, oh, we should represent, you know, queer characters that are adults, because there are adults that are queer, and you should know that’s something that is happening in the adult world, but that’s not how those films or those stories are told to children. You’re told that YOU should dream about love, about this fulfilling love that YOU’RE going to have. […] The Prince and Snow White are not like someone’s PARENTS. They’re something you want to be, that you are sort of dreaming of a future where you will find happiness. Why shouldn’t everyone have that? It’s really absurd to think that everyone shouldn’t get to have that! --Rebecca Sugar

#steven universe #ruby and sapphire #rebecca sugar #queer relationships #long post #myblog

[collegetennisoriginstory]

I wanted to throw in my opinion on the Trans MC if you want it! Option 3 would be a lot of extra writing and coding, so I get that it wouldn't be a decision made lightly and it would be added pressure to get it right and it's a sensitive topic for sure. I will say that if you chose to go this route tho, it would make a huge difference and mean a lot to us. I'm a trans athlete, and the lack of representation can be really discouraging. It's time like these where we are receiving so much hate, especially when it comes to sports, that allies could really step up and make a difference. Reading can really open people's minds! It may be difficult and uncomfortable, and take extra work, but that's our everyday tbh. We out here living on hard mode 😂 that's just my thoughts on the matter but I will respect you and read your story either way. Much love 🏳️‍⚧️♥️

Hey! Thank you so much for sending this! This gets long, forgive my wordiness.

First off, I really feel your statement to the bone, the part about how allies could step up and make a difference, and how positive rep in media, games etc. is insanely important.

So many stories, TV shows, movies have shaped my experience of being queer and POC, and while some of them have been nice just so I could see someone like myself being represented, the ones that really made an impact are of course the ones where these identities were explored in a sensitive, thoughtful way. (When I watched Saving Face for the first time at 17, about a queer Chinese American doctor, I bawled my eyes out and dont think I've been the same since).

I would absolutely love if CT:OS/my IFs could do this for trans athletes too.

I've seen/heard so many worrying statements about trans athletes (both in real life and in the media)—and it makes me so sad.

Some that really get me really riled up are: The idea that a trans athlete's accomplishments mean nothing because they "have an unfair advantage" (or putting it down to "just hormones" or whatever instead of recognizing the hardwork, skill, and dedication behind EVERY successul athlete, trans or not). Or the idea that trans athletes shouldn't get to choose to be trans if they want to be athletes. Or the idea of policing trans athletes' bodies or forcing them to undergo surgery in order for them to be "valid"...

Well, FUCK THAT. FUCK those people.

If my IF can help celebrate trans athletes, and combat/shut down the really harmful (and ignorant) rhetoric out there? I'd love to do that.

But since I am not trans myself, it feels doubly, triply important that I wade really carefully here. I'd really need to spend time making sure I like and can stand behind what I'm putting out. I don't think it'd be responsible representation, otherwise!

I'm not really a perfectionist about my writing and that's how I make progress on my IFs while working a full time job. I'm more the... "slap shit tgt, get it out there, get feedback and edit if I feel like it" kind of writer. And I don't think I'd be able to finish CT:OS / Merry Crisis any other way. But when it comes to race, gender, and sexual identity? I really. Really. Wanna get things right.

(I rewrote that Rayyan convo about being a POC athlete with Deepal so many times haha and it was already marginally less scary, since I am a POC athlete.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I agree it's so goddamn important to have trans stories, and rep, especially in sports, where views are often so toxic and polarized.

But I don't think I know yet whether I see my IF being more a simple "yay, trans rep" kind of space or an actual deeper exploration of what it means to be a trans athlete. I was quite prepared to add the option to be trans (+ any accompanying scenes etc.) when I have the complete CT:OS 1st draft, but I was also toying with the idea of just putting something imperfect into the game earlier.

Faced with indecision, I've opted for: procrastination. I am still waffling, but it was helpful to hear what you guys think. Thank you so much for your message.

Lots of love, keep being awesome ❤️

#ct:os #college tennis: origin story #if #interactive fiction #asks

[drdemonprince]

Interesting to read yer response to that last ask about yer history exploring gender + transitioning. I guess it’s p relatable to me even tho I think we feel somewhat differently about our own gender. I’ve always felt a very strong internal sense of gender, it’s quite clear to me and it’s definitely not neutral, it’s quite intense. I’ve identified as nonbinary for a long time. But I’ve found the closer I’ve gotten to being in touch with it, the more confused and unwelcoming the rest of the world has become. So I spend all this time thinking about how im perceived and how to navigate that and balancing what I internally want vs trying to manage reactions to me. This is where I see our similarities. It’s gotten especially bad recently as I’ve felt a new connection to manhood and I’ve wanted to explore that but I’ve felt the backlash way stronger cause I feel like people feel much more confident to tell me that I’m failing being a man than being nonbinary. So it’s getting to the point of like, what even is being a man. (Feels like failure is a pretty core aspect of it lol) Like you talk about making these choices to join queer men’s space, which is where I’d feel the most connected to manhood, but I feel like I’d have to make pretty big changes to how I move through the world gender wise to be even allowed or welcomed there. I don’t feel an apathy like you describe, but I can totally see how this constant weighing of expressing yerself vs being seen how you want would end up in apathy

I don't know your situation, but I'd give those queer men's spaces a shot. A lot of them are far less transphobic than you've been conditioned to think. There are trans men in the queer men's spaces around you, there are people who are read as cis gay men who are themselves very much not so, everybody's fucking pansexual and nonbinary these days it's fucking crazy dog. besides, what transphobic bias does exist against trans mascs in men's spaces is so fuckin mild compared to what trans women typically confront in wlw spaces. the worst i've ever had happen to me was someone befriend me on the dancefloor and then helpfully recommend that we all head to a lesbian bar. and he wasn't even being insincere, he just didnt know what kind of person he was talking to. beyond that it's been like a total nonissue even long before i passed. so you should give it a shot, you will learn more about yourself and other people from it. and it has generally for me been pretty positive!

the problem is. finding acceptance into the little gendered club meant there was still a whole lot of Gender there. and i'm so sick of it. this is also an asexuality thing for me too. im so fed up of people being into my body or my appearance. im so sick of the obsession with bodies and appearances and the gendered projections made onto those things. it grosses me out so much. i just feel like putty that everybody's hands have been all over. im so sick of people trying to leave their mark on me.

[bookish-bi-mormon]

There's a Mormon church across the road from my house and I've been curious about attending for years but I'm also an incredibly anxious queer bean. Any advice?

Hi! I appreciate you trusting me with this question and I wish I could give you a certain answer.

Unfortunately it's really a gamble. I've been lucky enough to be in a ward (congregation/neighborhood) where I've gotten a lot of positive feedback and support. My partner and I (very visibly queer) have been going to church together for the past month+ and we've only ever had kind things said to us. I think even the members who might believe that being queer is contrary to God's will still want to be kind and help us feel at home and recognize that our journeys on earth are not really their business.

Sadly, that can't be said of everyone. I've been in Sunday School classes in the past where hurtful things were said about queer people that sent me spiraling. I've heard of church leaders who pull trans people aside and ask them to stop attending because their presence is a "disruption." It really varies and I wish I could give you something to measure it by but I've been welcomed in the same town that a friend of mine was rejected.

more advice under the cut:

If you want to learn more about the LDS church, what we believe, how we started, and the Book of Mormon, this website is a good place to start. I don't know if you're a praying type, but in this situation I'd usually recommend praying and asking God if exploring mormonism is a good path for you. If you do feel like attending services, this website can help you see what time the wards in your area meet.

Things to know about church services:

Sacrament Meeting is the meeting where everyone sits in pews and listens to talks. Second Hour (which alternates between gendered and mixed classes every other week) are smaller group discussions where people read scriptures and quotes, and talk about how the gospel fits into our lives. If you want to go to second hour after sacrament meeting, I would just kinda follow whoever looks like they're your age/gender, or if you're feeling brave you could ask someone.

Women usually wear modest dresses, or a shirt+skirt combo. Men usually wear white shirt, tie, and slacks. I personally wear colorful button ups and slacks, sometimes a tie and sometimes not, to express my nonbinary gender. But I don't mind standing out. You really can wear whatever you want, but if you are anxious about standing out, then knowing the dress customs can be helpful.

They usually sing 3 or 4 songs during sacrament meeting. You don't have to sing along, but there should be a hymn book available in case you do.

Part way through sacrament meeting, they pass the sacrament (the bread and water that represent Christ's body and blood). A small tray will be passed down the pews. You don't have to eat/drink, but you can if you want. We see it as a renewal of the promises we make when we are baptized.

People tend to be very friendly, and use the time before/after meetings to socialize. Someone might see an unfamiliar face and come say hi. I promise they mean well, but if it stresses you out feel free to excuse yourself.

#ray's ramblings #queerstake #religion #mormon #advice #I wish you all the luck in the world! #if you want to know more feel free to message me

[blue-grama]

Jesus motherforking shirtballs

Or: I am asking every business journalist to take one (1) gender studies class before I tear my hair out.

This interview came across my dash and it's a lot of fun, particularly Apo's "dad joke" actually being a hilariously cringey pickup line, but one aside by the writer made me wince.

ASDKHGKJ. This is not the first time I've seen an article about BL or gay romance in general speculate that the reason female audiences enjoy gay male romance is because there are no other threatening, icky girls on screen. I find this exceedingly irritating and misogynistic and I'm gonna rant about it. Now, look. Maybe there are women-identifying people out there watching mlm romance because they are threatened by beautiful actresses. Maybe. I haven't met every woman in the world. But this reasoning is, in my opinion, some male-gaze bullshit and needs to be smacked down. A non-exhaustive list of reasons to like mlm romance that AREN'T based on some weird idea of female competitiveness and insecurity: 1. Queer people... exist? Look, the LGBTQ+ community alone isn't the reason KP had huge international success. Just numbers-wise, it was probably watched by more straight people than not. But ignoring that audience makes absolutely no sense, especially because sexuality is fluid and many viewers interested in LGBTQ+ media may be uncertain/exploring. Cultural anthropologist Thomas Baudinette has talked about how many "straight women" exploring BL turned out not to be so straight. It's a thing. (Here on Tumblr the LGBTQ+ audience is THE thing, but there's a lot of selection bias here, obviously.)

2. A good romance is a good romance

In my personal (and admittedly limited) experience, cishet men have a hard time grasping this, but give me a good, swoony romance and IDGAF about the genders involved. I've noticed this is very common among my female-identifying and nonbinary friends, regardless of their sexual attractions in real life. Good chemistry is good chemistry, a good story is a good story, and honestly it's kinda insulting to silo LGBTQ+ romance off as something you need a particular reason to watch, if you're someone who likes watching romance. 3. Female gaze

Look. Mile and Apo are blisteringly hot individuals. It's interesting this article mentions the action sequences and not the inherent appeal of, say, these two humans exploring each other's bodies in front of God and Deutsche Bank:

Perhaps it's a family publication.

But to get a little more thinky about horniness: If you're a female-identifying person interested in men, it can be a tough slog out there. I'm coming from a western perspective, where romance is looked down upon in general. (Asian media seems more willing to look at the romance audience and go "hmm... $$$!" instead of "ugh, girl stuff.") And even when you get romance-driven stories, the male gaze is fucking ubiquitious. I remember having my mind blown some years ago by Outlander -- a show I did not make it through otherwise -- because the wedding episode in the first season has a sex scene in which the camera lingers on the male lead's face. That is some female gaze shit that you just do not see. I just spent a couple minutes checking in with the sex scenes in Bridgerton, probably the biggest romance-genre hit in the U.S. in some time, made explicitely for a female audience in mind, and even there, the camera spends FAR more time on the female leads' faces in sex scenes. Presumably the idea is that the female viewing audience will be inserting themselves into the scene and imagining her pleasure as their own, but ... show me a man's O-face, you cowards.

KP (and BL in general) does that.

I mean, quite literally. But also figuratively - men are posited as objects of desire, and the viewer is the agent desiring them. Taking a straight female as our theoretical viewer: We're so, so socialized to see females as the objects of desire and men as the agents of desire that even media made with straight women in mind parks the camera on the female lead. BL turns that on its head. The female viewer isn't watching a stand-in for herself being desired. She's actively desiring. I hope it's clear that this is miles away from "other girls are threatening." It's about being the one with agency for once.

4. Removal of the burden of one gajillion years of patriarchical bullshit

This is like a trauma response or some shit, istg, but sometimes it's nice to watch a romance not weighed down by 300,000 years of hetero gender relations. How many times have we seen a female character who is just a male fantasy or who starts out great but gets ruined by bad writing and it's like... fuck. Someone has probably written about this a lot more eloquently and intelligently than me, but sometimes it's just like, geez. Leave women out of it. Let us rest. I'm joking a bit, and this entirely elides the fact that non-het relationships can be just as abusive and problematic as a het relationship out there in the real world, but in the realm of fantasy I do think there's an appeal to stripping away at least part of the gender discourse. Especially for a fully escapist show like KP -- personally, I love a good female character, but I did not have any problem with the dearth of them in that series. Don't make me worry, even subconsciously, about the mafia's maternity leave policy, okay?? Contrary to idea that the mlm aspects save some sort of self-insert space for me in that romance, I as a woman-identified person did not want to be anywhere NEAR that hot mess. I wanted a world that touched on exactly zero of my real-life concerns.

Ok, maybe one real-world concern: How to find a small animal vet at an inconvenient hour.

Anyway, like I said at the start, I can't possibly explain everyone's motivations for watching KP or BL or anything, really. The world is a rich tapestry and sexuality is not a simple binary. But boiling it all down to, "women are insecure" ain't it and I would love to see that explanation permanently retired from casual use. EDIT: I forgot the link to the original article.

#kinnporsche #thai bl #lgbtq media #yelling about things that pissed me off over my morning coffee #please feel free to add thoughts bc i'm sure there are many more reasons people like this genre and this is a rant #not an academic thesis #romance #ps I just really enjoy the female and queer gazes as like things that exist #lotta resentment to straight male gaze supremacy from my quarter #mileapo

[fatguarddog]

Welcome 🐾🔞

Follows from @follow-fatguarddog (inactive old main but I gotta keep it to keep this blog)

Hey, I'm Hutch, 28/UK/M, icon by @droolfang

This is my side blog to explore a different side of my kinks, mainly weight gain and slightly more aggressive pet play I'm trans, only use he/him pronouns, but am very comfortable with words like tits and boycunt, but prefer tdick, tcock, etc. on this blog. I've had top surgery but enjoy fantasising about growing tits/moobs I like people of all genders, but do lean t4t ❤️

My boyfriend is @swollenframe ❤️

I love hearing other people's fantasies/ideas so ask is always open! I also currently allow asks with media if you want to send me belly pics, just let me know if you're looking for a bit of praise, teasing or degradation and I'll be happy to oblige ❤️

DMs are open, but please only message if you're 21+ I offer custom audio commissions, find out more HERE I have a Ko-fi HERE and tipping is also on if you ever wanna throw a dog a bone or treat me into something in particular 🦴

My Kinks

Like my main blog, I'll be tagging my posts in case you want to search for or block something in particular - original stuff will still be 'hutch posts,' but here you can also find 'hutch photos' for pics of me and 'hutch audios' for little fat fantasy recordings Also quick disclaimer that whilst this is a weight gain-centric blog, I'm not in a position to actually gain weight nor am I a feedee looking for a feeder, I just like fantasising about a world where I could be a lazy fat dog. Please don't send me asks about tips for gaining weight because I'm afraid I can't help you, I have always been roughly this fat and have no experience with consistent gaining

🐾 Fuck yes: queer feedism, weight gain (magical, slow, rapid, forced, etc.), ass/belly/breast expansion, general belly kink, monsterfucking, bondage, praise kink, intox kink (alcohol and weed), biting, pet play (think of me as a rough but loyal dog or a maybe pig boy)

🐾 Yes Please: breeding, cnc, some degradation, corruption kink, primal urges, hucow/lactation, inflation (favs are pumpkin, berry, milk and cum)

🚫 Hard Nos: detransition kink, slob stuff, death feedism, gore, piss/scat, ddlg type stuff, incest, birth, feet

Taken anon emojis/sign offs: 🪞, 🐮💓, 🫐🐈, 🐶❤️, 🐑🤍, storm anon, 😻, 🎃, 💋, 🐳, 🕹️, ghost anon, 🎃☕, 🎃🦣, 🥛, 🥓🐻, 🐉, 🍩🐶, 🍒🦝, 🐷 🤓, 💜, 🧊🐺, 🎤, 🐺, 💣💥, 🐊, ⚡️, 🐇, 🔵, 🐗, 🎀, seal anon, doughnon, 🍰, 🦌, 🍔🐱, 🥨, dogboy Emojis/sign offs help me know who I'm talking to if you've sent asks before, so feel free to add them! If you want to interact with me, please don't call me a puppy! Just dog/big dog/fat dog is fine, but puppy doesn't do it for me in referring to myself

BLOCK LIST

Under 18s or no age in your bios, you’re not welcome here

Same if you’re over 45

Misgendering and thinspo blogs, no thanks

Literally anyone who makes me uncomfortable at my discretion

Feedism jars filled out under the cut if you wanna know more

#hutch posts #hutch photos #hutch audios #hutch answers #hutch sona #<use these to find my stuff! #audio #< ignore that it's so i can find things

[creatureheart]

Welcome!

To a simple blog for me to explore things about myself and my nonhuman identity, and to simply reblog relevant posts and things that I like.

You can call me Pandora. New nicknames are welcome. They/It

[[ Carrd ]] Other Sites — content will be similar [[ CoHost | TikTok | Bluesky | Pillowfort | Dreamwidth ]] [[ Main Blog ]] [[ Tags ]] — my tags for ease of access and mobile users.

Replies, comments and asks/submissions are always welcome.

BYF below — please read because the only one to blame if you see something you don't like is yourself.

BYF — if you don't like, just block/move on

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I am an Adult(Dec '93). If you are not ok with this, and I follow you, please soft block, or block me to keep yourself comfortable.

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I am Queer/Asexual and Indigenous(Australian).

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Most of this blog will be SFW, but there still might be possible adult content on this blog, which will be tagged. Keep this in mind if you are a minor or do not wish to see such!

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I try to tag everything that I reblog with general, wide tags when they are useful. Use the content filter options and/or xkit to stop from seeing what you don't want to see. I do not tolerate hateful comments towards anything "creepy crawlie"(bug, insect, snake, rats, etc) and will block on sight. I understand phobias and squicks, but they are animals that are just as worthy or respect as anything else is. This goes DOUBLE for anyone that makes comments on people's pets.

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I'm not here for drama and discourse, don't drag me into it or tell me about it.

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I use the word Queer. If you do not believe in reclaiming slurs or you tag things as "q slur" just block me. I am also kink positive, pro-sex education, pro-sex worker, etc. TERFS, SWERFS, Radfems, Gender-Criticals, Truscum/Transmed, Anti-Mogai, Exclusionists, Aphobes(Ace+Aro-phobic), LGBwithouttheTQ, etc are not welcome.

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I am of the old internet mindset of "if you don't like it, don't look" and "don't go looking for things you know you don't like/you know will upset you." I don't really have a set DNI (though some of the things I will never tolerate are mentioned in here) — I block, unfollow and filter liberally, because it is not on other people to cater my online space for me. If I see something I don't like, I remove it from my sight and move on. I take ZERO responsibility for other's online experience as this is my blog. If you see anything you don't like that I post or reblog, just unfollow and/or block. People just looking for an argument or who are rude will be blocked and possibly reported. Comments will be deleted. Neil Gaiman's Essay: Why defend freedom of icky speech? Video: "On the Ethics of Boinking Animal People"

I'm old and tired, and kids these days would probably label me a "proshipper" as I believe there is way more nuance to this entire thing than simply the black and white mindset that the internet & fandom communities have shifted to over time. I do not condone any taboo or problematic content IRL. But it is not my place, or my right to tell others what they can and cannot do in fiction/fantasy. It's unrealistic to believe that anything created that holds taboo or problematic content means the one who created it condones it IRL. This falls along the same kind of mindset mostly conservative parents spat that "violent video games make people violent", which we all know is not true. Censoring problematic content will not stop people from creating it. They will just create it where you cannot see it, which in turn could make it harder to find, and harder to stop when actual harm is dealt. Can fictional/fantasy content affect reality? Sure! I will never say otherwise. But to believe that it always does is, again, unrealistic, and assuming that most people cannot differentiate between the two. Fiction and fantasy were created for people to be able to entertain ourselves, and to explore topics that we never would, or were impossible, in the real world in the safety of our minds and spaces we created. The actions of those who use fictional content as a reason to do taboo and problematic things in real life is entirely on them, and they need to seek professional help for their paraphilias, or harmful actions. If something... - happens between two(or more) consenting ADULTS - makes someone happy - does not harm themselves or anyone/anything IRL ...then what other people do is none of my business.

Dividers by benkeibear

[absynthe--minded]

Hi! Sorry to bother, but do you know where I can read more about Tolkien's opinion on queer relationships and queerness in general? I haven't read all of the letters, but in one of them he says some icky and misogynistic stuff about (het) relationships and I was kind of disappointed. (I don't mean this in a 'gotcha' kind of way, I'm just a queer person who's genuinely bothered by some of his views and wants to learn more)

I don’t think it’s any sort of a gotcha!

The short answer (there is more I have to say, but I’ll give you the important bit first) is that Tolkien never made any explicit and confirmed statements one way or the other about queerness. I’ve seen some people allude to things but I’ve never found anything concrete, and this fandom and this scholarly field are both homophobic enough that if there were anything he said against queer relationships we’d have all heard it by now. also, seriously, good job digging deeper into his views and interrogating them - he was far from perfect and honest, forthright engagement with his flaws is basically the only way we’ll move forward and tackle them.

the longer answer is that while he was both openly sexist (ranging from pretty bad misogyny to “uh, have you ever met a woman in your life?”) and openly racist (usually taking the form of “repeating any ethnic stereotypes he came across without any thought of their relationship to reality, and having no idea of what was or wasn’t offensive”) his feelings on queerness are harder to find. this isn’t that unusual - even people we’ve been able to confirm as queer or probably queer are in many cases silent about their relationship with their sexuality, and Tolkien was in a position where even if he himself was queer (which, by the way, is my opinion) he’d probably have no incentive to say so directly.

because this fandom and this scholarly discipline are so overwhelmingly cishet, queer scholarship of Tolkien is in its infancy, even to a point that means most people who are open to queer readings and queer interpretations will balk at trying to argue for the canonicity of queer relationships and queer subtext, there’s also not a lot of writing on this subject by biographers or other academics. however, there’s a fair bit of evidence that at least argues both that Tolkien was okay with IRL queer people and he was consciously engaging with queer themes in his works.

what we know is this:

he was friendly with W.H. Auden (gay), and a deep admirer of the works of Mary Renault (lesbian who wrote historical M/M fic focusing on the classics, sort of a midcentury Madeline Miller but more focused on historical accuracy). in fact he’s on the record as saying he loved Renault’s books (specifically The King Must Die and The Bull from the Sea, though possibly also The Charioteer and The Last of the Wine, both of which are explicitly gay fiction) and the fan letter she sent him was among his most prized correspondences

he was Catholic, but he purposefully wrote stories or developed narrative ideas that weren’t directly in compliance with Catholicism, and he did acknowledge that in one case (specifically the Gift of Men and the concept of euthanasia as a blessing) he was interested in exploring concepts as good stories rather than moral messages - this shows that his faith wouldn’t have necessarily bound him to only depict homosexuality badly

he wouldn’t have suffered socially for speaking out against queerness (other authors of his circle like C.S. Lewis were more vocal) but he didn’t, which indicates a choice not to

he was aware of and directly inspired by Homeric epics alongside Northern European sources, and this does include the Iliad

Quenya doesn’t have gendered pronouns, and we know that in at least one draft he changed gendered words like “husband” and “wife” to “spouse”. he also depicts elves and dwarves as having a high degree of androgyny, and elvish marriages are not explicitly required to be between a male elf and a female elf

his inclusion of vital and important relationships like Túrin and Beleg, Frodo and Sam, and Fingon and Maedhros alongside equally important het relationships indicates that he was interested in giving space to M/M that blurs or steps over the line between platonic het-approved friendship and queerness

there’s something to be said for how British midcentury queer literature depicts queer men as sad outcasts at war with their true nature who can’t ever be happy, and how Tolkien writes a lot of men in relationships with other men who are in that position except they’re miserable because of outside forces (the Ring, the Oath, Morgoth’s curse, their failings as people apart from relationships) and their deep connections with other men are the happiest and best part of who they are

this is, as you can see, both an area that really needs further study and an area that has just enough to suggest that he wasn’t a garden variety homophobe.

I hope that helps?

#replies #absynthe’s meta #queer tolkien scholarship is basically a ghost town

[dulaman-na-farraige]

Talking to the wall here, but I've been thinking more about Nausicaa manga recently and specifically Kushana and the way she's portrayed in it. If you think that viewing the manga through queer lens is impossible just scroll past this and don't scream at me, I'm not making anyone read this or agree with me, I'm just writing down my thoughts

Anything gender related doesn't*really* get talked about in the manga (except for maybe hate towards women in Tolmekia?) but I've read many reviews/analyses regarding Nausicaa and Kushana and the way they're shown as female characters and different"feminine" traits they have, and while I don't really understand treating various personality traits as "masculine" or "feminine" I believe that we don't talk about Kushana's lifestyle literally challenging the way Tolmekian society treats gender norms enough. Just think about it. A princess born in a country where women are looked down on and not taken seriously, where they have 0 chances of gaining any power, commands an army and takes the throne. Not to mention that Kushana also had 3 elder brothers who were more than likely to become rulers of Tolmekia. She's also admired and respected or even feared by many people despite nearly being called "inferior" in the scene with her brother just because she was born a woman. What caught my attention however is that it's unusual to see a princess being given the same kind of upbringing as the princes. Kushana and her brothers were given military education and were expected to command armies, despite the fact that in many ways (gender, being the youngest in the family, not being a biological child to the emperor * according to one of the interpretations of 3 really confusing panels *, just to name a few) Kushana was not supposed to gain any political power at all. You could almost say that Kushana was treated as a prince, despite being a girl, which is exactly why I started writing this wall of text.

Kushana is everything men are supposed to be in this kind of *medieval-ish* society: a leader, a military commander, an excellent swordsman and rider, a talented tactician etc. even more so than her brothers who are never depicted doing anything she did . Sadly, the manga never mentions anything about how Kushana views her position and her responsibilities as well as the way she achieved her status. We never see how she views herself and her gender and how she's treated by her brothers (and probably other people as well). I believe that being female is not exactly comfortable for Kushana, given her rather abusive family.

It may not have been a conscious choice for her, but taking up a social role of a prince is what gave her the privileged position she had. Unlike Nausicaa who never really was limited to a certain type of social behavior dictated by the binary norms, Kushana had to behave according to these norms, but the manga does not explore that.

I'm entering headcanon territory at this point, just a warning for those of you who have read this far. Ever since I reread the manga for the 2nd/3? rd time I can't help viewing Kushana as a transmasc character. She doesn't necessarily present herself in this way fully (the clothing aspect mainly, which isn't explored either) but behavior-wise she definitely does. Her hair could also have been an aspect of presenting in a different way than her cis gender if her decision to cut it short was less impulsive. Obviously that's not the only way to interpret that, because being a butch lesbian also fits Kushana really well. Neither of these hcs have any confirmations and that's why both of them can be valid. Her backstory is a very interesting part of her character I wish more was said about it in the manga

#There should have been at least 2 paragraphs regarding Kushana's relationship with Nausicaa but it's the middle of the night atm and I'm too #tired to write that #Nausicaa manga and film are the classic example of media that was not intended to be gay #but ended up being pretty gay #Kushana's lesbian feelings are left out of the narrative and are rather vague if you ask me #everything related to that we've seen are just that one scene ™ and also a few gay staring panels #she's such a disaster lesbian UwU #the only nearly “open” case of anyone being queer tho funnily was Namulith who almost said he was bisexual #anyways bye #please stop being mad at me in anonymous asks #anybody can headcanon as much as one pleases #it's just my wild interpretation of the manga and I'm not saying that it's valid or that any other possible interpretations aren't

[pruning-the-minds-garden]

My (Hypno)Kinky Profile

Age: I'm a Sagittarius, born in 1983. Do the math yourself. I'm not going to update the number every year, lol.

Gender: Non-Binary; my pronouns are they/them.

Sexuality: Queer

Roles: I'm a hypnotic switch, though in practice I have done far more hypnotizing than being hypnotized. However, I'm open to both.

Kinks/Fetishes: As you might guess, my first kink is hypnosis and hypnotic control. I enjoy the process of it as much as the product, so the dance of seducing someone's mind, the slow release of tension and control, the unraveling of consciousness as someone drops into trance is just... chef's kiss... but that's not my only fetish. I also enjoy consensual brainwashing, fantasy scenarios like demons and religious play, orgasm control and denial, conditioning and behavior modification, sensation play, dollification, bimbofication, objectification, lactation, and other things as well, and I also find that I tend to adopt the fetishes of my partner since what I like the most is whatever they like the most. As much of a Dom as I am in the position of hypnotist, I am a service Dom, and so the way I understand my role is as a facilitator to make the fantasies of my partner come true. If those fantasies are to be left without will, turned into a pleasure object for my use, then I will make that happen... but if it is to be turned into a treasured possession or something else on that order... then I will make that happen too. My desires are only relevant insofar as they intersect with my partner's desires, and are never to be thrust on them without their wishing that to be the case.

... now, all that said, here's where I am in the community. As of now, I'm not looking for new subjects for overtly sexual hypnokinky relationships. I will help new subjects to explore trance in non-sexual ways, especially if they want to learn what trance feels like for the first time (or just another time), or if they want to deal with safety or consent issues, or do something else like that, but I'm not looking to take on new subjects for sexy stuff at this time. I'm married (she knows about all this and "it's complicated" but I'm not going to get into it here), and there are limits I am bound to and want to and will respect, there. The limits are not ones that are hard-and-fast, so those sorts of things are not totally off the table, but I don't want to mislead and indicate that they are completely on the table, either. It's something I will be careful of, and don't want to be cavalier about, because my marriage is deeply important to me.

But, if you want to talk to me, please talk to me! I love talking to people. I love meeting new people. I'm not going to jump to making it sexual or anything like that, because that's just not who I am, but I will "match your energy" if you want to playfully flirt via text, lol. I like that as much as anyone, because flirting is a form of validation and validation feels good. If on the other hand you have questions about anything or need help with anything, then I'm happy to help you as best I can. Reach out to me and I will do whatever is in my power. You are not alone. You are never alone. Let me lend you a hand and lead you back to the light, if you feel like you are trapped in darkness forever, because I assure you that you are not.

Limits/Boundaries: I choose intentionally who I do and don't interact with. I won't tell you not to interact with me, because that's not how boundaries work. I will say this, though - I don't get along well with racists, sexists, homophobes, transphobes, TERFs, SWERFs, theocrats, fascists or their ilk. If you say/do/think those things, then expect me to call you out on it if/when you make that clear in my presence. If you keep doing it, don't be shocked when I tire of that and block you.

I also don't get along well with people who invalidate me or my gender identity. If that happens, I'll not hesitate to block you. Oh, and just to be clear, that list isn't inclusive. I'm not super quick on the Block button, but I do reserve that option for use at any time, for any reason.

If you wanted to find me on FetLife

Also, my Discord handle is: The Mind's Garden (Mark)#6521 -- add me and/or send me a message any time, I'm always happy to chat with new folks.

Finally, you can find me on Twitter

If and when I get other socials I want to share, I'll add them here.

#me #introductions

[damnfandomproblems]

I know the genderbend convo has mostly died down but I just found your blog and wanted to posit: Genderbends were crucial for me and my friends exploring our gender identities! We created "genderbends" of ourselves and even had a "genderbend party" where we dressed up as them and hung out and had cake! Yeah, some genderbend can be uninspired and some can definitely be transphobic, limited in view of sex, whatever.... But man it has GOT to be understood how wildly important it has been to so many trans and non-binary people! (Not to mention other submission positing how HCing characters as trans is also genderbending but doesn't get considered as such) Stop trying to throw out the baby with the bath water!

Honestly I highly suspect that ppl who are staunchly anti-genderbend are the same sort to chastise RHPS and all the good it did just because it doesn't meet modern sanitized queer standards. I'm only in my early 20s and am utterly exhausted by youngins trying to speak for the whole community just because something makes them a bit uncomfortable and they don't have the whole context.

I think that post and responses post have spread very far with this blog.

#blog answers

[ghost-in-the-stalls]

I think part of the reason that body positivity and viewing yourself as beautiful is such an important concept to me (besides you know. The fact that it is a very real and important step for many people in their paths to stop hating themselves and that its easier and more organic for some people than jumping straight to 'beauty is meaningless'... and also the fact that I do think it is good actually to view natural purposeful things as beautiful even if we don't need to..... and also that there's a way we can push for things on a movement/societal scale differently from on an individual scale)

Is that for me. As a fat queer person. Taking steps to let myself appreciate my body and see it as more than just functional frankly helped me to actually get in touch with myself and how I want to be perceived by other people. It was a very crucial step in me understanding my gender and growing into myself as a being who actually feels not only capable of being present in my own body, but attached to it.

Like for me, the more I tried to only tell myself "beauty is meaningless. Your body serves a function and it's neutral and that's what's important" the more distanced I felt from my body and image. It was only on the days where I said to myself "hey I WANT to look good today. What do I want to do to achieve that?" That I was able to actually explore gender expression through fashion and behavior.

Idk I just never hear that side of things. Maybe this is just a niche experience to me, but I wanted to say it.

Anyway it's okay if it's easier for you to look in the mirror and say "hey I'm beautiful/handsome/attractive whatever" than to tell yourself you don't need to be those things.

Obviously the beauty industry is fucked, but we can think critically about that and fight it on a community and societal scale while still taking personal steps in our own healing process in a way that works for us. And sometimes that's for more reasons than just the very deep-rooted (and extremely difficult to shake off) desire to be conventionally attractive.

Idk shits just not black and white ok?

[georgieluz]

6, 10 and 13! 💚

hiiiii 💚

i answered 6 over here just a second ago, but i haven't done 10 or 13 yet so let me do those

10. worst part of fanon

i generally enjoy most parts of fanon but there are a few things that i sometimes don't particularly agree with, or see, myself? harry welsh being constantly described as the token straight is one of them. i know that most of the time this is a lighthearted joke/meme type of thing, but i do think the fandom actually thinks it too. i mostly find this kinda weird bc the only reason people give is that he talks about his wife a lot and is super super into her. bi and pan men can also love their wives to that degree and be "dedicated wife men". it just feels kinda exclusionary that people just naturally assume that a man who loves his wife in a wholesome way can't be bi or pan. especially bc it never applies to any of the other easy men who canonically had wives. and honestly, take it from me, an actual queer man: in comparison to most of the men in easy company, harry actually has queer vibes in abundance. he's definitely not giving cishet man the way people headcanon him. it's not really that deep, but yeah, i will 100% die on this hill. harry welsh is pan and kitty grogan is bi!! harry just doesn't feel like he'd give a fuck about the gender of the person he's into. i feel like he just wouldn't think about it in that kinda way, he'd be like "well, i'm into this person and that's that" and would just be down bad for them regardless of what they identify as.

so yeah, fuck the token straight harry headcanons!! if anything, [redacted] is actually the token straight :)

13. worst blorbofication

ok this is actually a bit of a tough one bc blorbofication is different to uwufication in my mind. like it's a whole separate thing to me. uwufication is more about taking away all the sharp messy edges of a character, whereas blorbofication is more about "oh this character lives in my chest now. i live and breathe their essence" kinda thing. so i don't think blorbofying characters is necessarily something i would see as having a 'worst', especially in our fandom, where side characters with little screen time are often fan favourites. in fact, i'd encourage the blorbofication of all hbo war characters!!! uwuifying some of them in writing does really put me off a fic or headcanon though, especially if it's very ooc. i don't mean the fics where you go deeper into their emotions and explore their inner feelings, or where there is a gradual evolution of their character, that's just good writing, but the ones where all their rough traits and flaws are filed down and polished away, just so the author can write the perfect little fluff fic with innocent flaw-free canvases instead of characters. people do it with speirton all the time, less so with webgott but you do still see it. i'd say winnix fall somewhere in the middle, but closer to speirton than webgott, on the scale. messy winnix is actually way way way more interesting than the flat boring married side couple that most fics position them as. i've gone off-track but still!

for the choose violence ask game!

#julian's inbox #julian's ask games

[phynoma]

I keep thinking about that post that talks about m/m shipping being so popular because there's more male characters to ship-- statistically, it just makes sense

And when you add in "interesting complex characters," the difference is even more stark

Mostly, I'm thinking about how I've struggled to het romances for my ghostwriting job, but the instant I was given a m/m omegaverse story I was *full* of inspiration. And it's not just me-- I've gotten more positive, engaged comments on that story than any of the others I've put out. I really am writing it better, and it's noticeable

So why? Why can't I, a feminist who always bemoaned the lack of female characters in things, who, supposedly, should have alsome inherent knowledge of feminity, why can't I write good female characters? Why is it so stressful to try and imagine what a reader wants in a female lead, when I have no issues writing a male one?

Continued musings under the cut

The best theory I have so far is that the way women are portrayed in media, the way they're treated irl, the way I've been taught to think about them, is *as women.* When I write my female lead, I'm trying to *make her a woman.* I'm thinking about her through the lens of everything I've ever consumed.

I don't do that with men. I can queer men, I can explore any topic I want, I can make them bitter and old and sad and sweet and joyful and soft and no matter how I twist and turn them, no one doubts that it's an accurate portrayal of some man, somewhere. He could exist.

When I write women, especially straight women, they have to be...something. something I can't quite grasp in my own mind. Something I was never good at being. Something that's not real.

I can't just write her as a person, she has to be a woman. I flinch away from female leads because I'm so tired of seeing something I never was and tried so hard to be. I'm so tired of seeing women portrayed as women and not as people.

And I wonder if, in some deep-seated, vaguely homophobic, vaguely racist, societal mind-fuck, women (straight women, queer women, what-have-you, formally-women [and I'm including myself in that category-- I'm the type of enby who tried very hard to be a girl and a lady and a woman before giving it up, and that informs what I do now]) read m/m because it's the only place where they/we can see ourselves. Something a little queer. Something a little feminine. Something that is *not* the image of women we see everywhere. Just a character, allowed to be all the things a character could be, released from the pressure of gender influence by being the default. But not *quite* the default, because m/m is, of course, gay, and that makes the projection character *less* default-male (there's the homophobia) while still having a conveniently handsome male love interest to pine after.

I'm probably being unfair in some ways, and I'm sure some queer literature study has done a better job of examining this. It's my habit to start to pick apart my reactions to things, and this one has stumped me for a while

Why do I think I can't write women? Why do I avoid female pov? When I'm in it, I love it. I miss it. I want it, and I still flinch away. Why?

#phyn thinks #phyn writes #feminism #fanfiction #musings #i just had to get these thoughts out someplace #maybe i'll delete later #but I cant be the only one who feels this way #right? #sometimes I think about how much Virginia Woolf would have loved being a they/them #and I weep for her #these arent new feelings #and then I wonder if any woman has felt like a woman without faking something #i mean #evidence says yes plenty #but I was so miserable in that life #who doesn't want to be seen as a person first before a gender? #that's human instinct right? #idk #feeling morose in the club tonight #and by club #i mean sitting in the bathtub with my shower running

[violetren]

Blood of the Basilisk Chapter 11

It's taken me waaaay to long to really pick up on the cinderella/pretty woman like themes of this plot but this chapter really kinda made something click in my brain. Probably all the buying of clothes.

Hardly the most important thing in the chapter though. That actually happened right up front in the form of Pyter being a Proper Little Gentleman. He politely ate from Nadani's hand and didn't get his head stuck in the lemon curd pot this time.

It's hilarious to me how much better behaved he is for Nadani. I can imagine the logic of it being along the lines of "I like her but she's choosing to be here so I have to be nice. Momma however, is momma and never going anywhere AND she folds easier anyways."

I'm curious to meet the newly hired orc runner girl and glad to hear Lou is cool and practical enough not to have any elven superiority nonsense. I grinned at her "You've been very generous and I've been very stingy" comment.

I'm glad getting new clothes was a positive if a little overwhelming an experience for Nadani, and even gladder that it became another way to show how different Kota's generosity is to former owner's possessiveness/entitlement. Especially after the small double take that came when Nadani saw Kota had gifted her a knife.

It's not the exact situation but there's something that reminds me of poetry in the gifting of the knife. Giving someone a knife to defend themself even if the person they may feel the need to defend themself against is you (not that Kota ever intends to be, or seems to be in danger of becoming someone Nadani would have to defend herself from but she can't be sure Nadani truly accepts that).

Nadani's relationship with her body is definitely a point of interest in reading so far. It's not so much that she'd ashamed of it, its that she doesn't like what other people imagine when they look at it. She doesn't want people being lecherous about her but she's aware that with a body type like hers people are inclined to look if she isn't careful about wearing modest dress. It's a specific flavour of dysphoria where it's her ability to draw what she deems negative/unwanted attention that makes her dislike her body. I think its a pretty common experience in the trans and ace corners of the queer community as well as for people who have been abused or victimised for their looks for whatever reason.

There is a pretty clear cut reason why Nadani would be feeling that way what with her past being used as a sex slave, but the writing is just so that it kinda makes me wonder if there is also an undercurrent of Gender Stuff™. They aren't always mutually exclusive. Though it may just be giving me those vibes because I'm nonbinary and Molly (author) is trans so that feeds into my reading of the situation.

Kota's reaction to Nadani's body in that modest but slim fitting bodice was certainly fun. It was also very interesting that Nadani wasn't too discomforted by it and told Kota she didn't feel objectified by her visible bout of being a gay disaster. I wonder if its just because she's started to accept deep down that Kota does respect her autonomy or if its because of the way she's been developing feelings for Kota. More likely than not its some combination of both, but its gonna be a good time exploring either way.

#chirping wren #blood of the basilisk #pyter botb #kota botb #lou botb #nadani botb #queer fiction #fantasy #sapphic fiction #lesbian fiction #lgbt fiction #dysphoria #welp time to read another chapter while dinner marinates

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Hi, I hope you're well. I have a question completely unrelated to the fandom, but I'm hope if you're able to, you won't mind giving me some advice.

My child told me this weekend that he thinks he may be trans. He's 11, and him coming out as trans isn't a big surprise. He's not sure about anything yet but knows his assigned gender doesn't fit him. I thanked him for trusting me, told him we love him amd asked him a few questions to try and get an understanding of where he is.

But I'm not sure where to go from here? Can you perhaps recommend the best resources for an 11year old to learn and explore more? And for me as a parent to help me understand better and help him?

I've known for about 5years this may be coming. But I'm still so much more emotional about it than I thought I'd be. Mostly I'm worried about what he'll have to deal with in the future amd how much harder things may be for him.

Thanks for listening xx.

Sending you heaps of love anon. It's great that you're supporting your kid and reaching out.

The best resource for your kid is a life where they know other trans kids and trans adults. Knowing kids like him will make him feel less alone. Knowing adults like him will show him that he has a future. If you don't already have those networks then start building them. Obviously I don't know where you are and how easy that will be, but start thinking

I have another piece of advice that I think is quite important. You mention your worries for him - and that's very understandable. There are so many places where it's absolutely terrifying to be a trans person or to love a trans person right now.

It's really important that you're very careful with your worries about what he'll have to to deal with in the future and how much harder things will be are for you to process. When children face oppression that their parents don't share (which is true for a lot of queer people and also a lot of disabled people) well meaning parents can do real damage from a place of fear. From someone in a position of authority 'I want you to hide yourself from a society that hates you, because I don't want you to get hurt' is pretty indistinguishable from 'I want you to hide yourself because I agree with that hatred'.

One of the most important things you can do is acknolwedge your worries and find an outlet for them (one that won't amplify them) so that you can make sure you're not making your anxiety your kids problem. Your kid is the best decision maker in his own life - including how to navigate a world where there are people that hate him.

I'm going to end by telling you a story. On Thursday last week, a friend of mine messaged me that her eight year old had told her that they were non-binary. My friend messaged her kid's teacher letting her know. The teacher replied that she understood and she'd noticed that kid had said that their toy doll (that they take everywhere). As far as I know, the only response the kid has got to saying that they're non-binary is support and affirmation. The kid knows other non-binary kids and non-binary adults. New Zealand isn't some kind of utopia - it's not going to always be easy (and things could always get worse). But close family and community that accept them and the knowledge that people like them are part of their world will make an incredible difference.

I don't know where you are - I hope that doesn't feel like rubbing your nose in how difficult things are for your family. I shared it, because it's a vivid reminder that another world is possible - and in this case I watched trans people I know bring it about.

#Sending you so muchlove #and hope that both you and your kid #find the support you need