#I'm slowly killing myself by giving into sugar cravings at night and keeping stashes in my drawer or always having ben and jerrys ready

[william-afton-positivity]

I haven't been able to vibe in a while...

#things aren't looking good tbh #its all heading down the drain #been craving physical affection dispite having a fear over it due to trauma #been feeling like I'm accomplished nothing in life other than driving and barley holding onto a job #I still have the job simply because its a family business...I would've been fired 100 probably #I'm slowly killing myself by giving into sugar cravings at night and keeping stashes in my drawer or always having ben and jerrys ready #my level of basic caring has plumeted so much #and idk what to do anymore #I've had pep talks that made me feel like shit #pretended to call my mom out on all of the abuse and not caring I got molested by her ex bc all she cared about was her feelings #or calling her out on the several years she's lied to me and others that she didn't break my arm and that I was at fault for being stupid #over a cheap plastic horse #or sending me to school with half of a bruised face I had to cover with a scarf #and ive had these pep talks to myself pretending to call her out on everything. it made me mad #and it made me feel like shit because I know I'd never be able to stand up to myself bc ive done it before and it ended horrible #and that imma end up taking these secrets to the grave and no one around her will know the shit she did to me #I just at least want a hug or smth. idk. cry as I'm told everything is going to be okay. #but I cant because of the fear after all of that #all I have to substitute are my blankets pillows and plushies to try and get by but it's not the same as a real person #and it just makes me cry trying to replicate this feeling of being held or hugged with pieces of fabric and cotton stuffing #so yeah #....my vibe is just wrong lately #and honestly? idk if it'll get better. it'll either steady itself or decrease #vent #tw abuse #tw implied suicide #tw molestation #ask to tag