#I'm so god damned tired all the time

[radmista]

Sowing seeds of discontent and disharmony by hanging up on my parents birthday phone call the second my mom asked if I gained weight. Hope that sits badly on their minds while they think about how that's the first call I've engaged with them in 2 months and it was for the dogs birthday. Dad scrambling to text me for my mom that she didn't mean it. Like fuck I told her I've been having a rough month and day. She couldn't keep it to herself that badly. Fucks sake

#was already not in a great place mentally but i entertained the call and was actually feeling okay talking to them giving them an update #she just hits me with that. and I'm not normally sensitive about my weight even when my mom harped on me for gaining some a few years back #i genuinely normally don't care bc I'm happy with myself. but i know ive lost weight because I've been on icu and we don't have time to eat #im so fucking mad and im even more mad I'm crying about it #bc what the fuck #i was actually feeling like momentarily safe talking to them and being vulnerable about working on my next life stages #and she just ruined the call. i wanted to talk to my mom and dad more. i do miss talking to them about some things. #i was happy to get to see my family all together even if it was for the dogs birthday. and people were smiling and shit #and ik theyre gonna say i ruined it by being sensitive but jfc #it was literally the 2nd thing my mom said to me on the call after we sang happy birthday #why couldn't she just shut up. why couldn't she have said anything else. why did i let it bother me so much i hung up #I'm just fucking tired and sad and now feeling even lonlier than ever #i just wanted a nice moment with my family god fucking damn is that too hard to ask for #and im even more angry and sad now that i cant call them back bc my mom will get on me about smth else we were previously talking about #that phone call was supposed to be a neutral zone just for the birthday song. and i was going to ride it out but fucking hell #why didnt i just put up with it so i could have talked to my family #and no calling them back isnt an option. they haven't apologized and it would be an un neutral call #which gives them space to harass me about work and shit

[carmenlire]

I can’t get Jaewon and the eighth sense out of my head because i see so much of myself in him. The way he’s always there for his friends, even to the detriment to himself. and it doesn’t have to be anything tragic. it’s going out and getting drunk and putting on that mask every day. it’s getting out of your own head long enough to realize that your friend is going through it and you need to care.

i’ve only watched it once but it’s in the way depression can, occasionally, manifest as a sort of manic episode. like you’re so empty and numb but 1) you can’t let anyone find out 2) you decide you’re going to be better. just like that, through sheer force of will. and so Jaewon smiles brightly and meets with friends and greets teachers and does a bang-up job of acting like he’s perfect he’s fucking perfect but inside there’s just nothing there. or maybe it’s not that there’s nothing there-- it’s that there’s so much but he can’t access it, he’s afraid to touch it because if he does then it will overwhelm him.

Jaewon has a lot of trauma and circumstances that definitely didn’t help his mental health but Jihyun was the breath of fresh air he desperately needed. and not in a Jihyun saved Jaewon kinda way but in the way that this new person broke up the monotony, showed him it was okay to reach out for help that, there was at least one person he didn’t have to hide from.

and just-- 10/10 to this show for showing that Jaewon very much struggles with depression-- he takes antidepressants, he sees a therapist, and even with those tools (and Jihyun) he isn’t magically cured. he can still sink low. that this kinda shit is cyclical and you can try your best but it can still be hard, you can still suffer, you will still have to drag yourself back up from underwater. but you can do it. because you’ve done it before.

#i have so many feelings about jaewon and all of them begin and end with i see myself when i look at him #damn now if only i could have a meetcute and happen along the loml #idk i appreciated his portrayal through the whole show #and even when i was mad at him on jihyun's behalf i still understood him #because another thing about depression: you don't think people actually care #so he's 1) protecting jihyun after episode 6 #but also even when jihyun is reaching out #we very much know that jaewon's mental health is spiralling and everything is just going so wrong and he is just too numb and tired to do #anything about it and so even when jihyun is reaching out #i feel like there was a part of jaewon terrified that it wasn't real #he was afraid to get his hopes up that 1) it could all end up okay and 2) jihyun feels the same #ah god fuck i love him #also just this all originated from what i perceive to be manic depression? i'm sure that's not clinical #but i have felt like jaewon there so many times..... laughing too hard smiling too much #feeling like everyone could see the cracks behind it even if they couldn't #trying so hard when it's all so wrong #the eighth sense #seo jaewon #me #... ykw #fic ideas #my writing tag

[janiedean]

the more time passes the more it's obvious why I'm shit at expressing emotions and why I loathe doing it openly and it's a damned shame neither of my damned parents reads fantasy because maybe if i told them the more you are like this the more i end up like stannis baratheon's reincarnation if the damage isn't done already they'd get the fucking point

#i'm so fucking tired that every single time i have to express not feeling great/up to par/on top of things #it becomes YOU WANT TO BE A VICTIM AND BLAME OTHER PEOPLE FOR IT #jfc i want to rest #i've spent three years coped there with them with first row seat to parent one becoming completely paranoid but okay #and that's not even 5% of the problem #i'm too tired to stand i'm doing two jobs at once one of which is draining af #neither of them is even netting me immediate money #i've worked sundays for a whole damned month and a half #they have zero idea of half of the shit i'm dealing with #bc the mOMENT you talk about your feelings it's C H I L D I S H #and then 'why didn't you talk about x before' #idk didn't wanna get told it was my fault and i had to man up maybe #and like my father has a half excuse i'm not disclosing bc his business #and it's like what i suspect not anything anyone said out loud #but god my mother could fucking get a hint #yeah let's go to therapy for years so that every single time i patch a hole in the ship #CANNONBALL FROM THE OTHER SIDE HAPPENS #and it's worse all over again #meanwhile my stomach has been closed up since an hour and i can't even stand up #and then i feel like i shouldn't complain until i manage to move out #i just want to go in a forest for six months and stop being perceived tbh #i hope i don't regret posting these tags but jfc #At YoUr AgE I hAd A jOb AnD a BaBy #yeah okay sorry i'm not you #there's a fucking reason i'm never gonna have children it would wreck me and i know it #but since YOU did it then everyone can

[sharkgirldick]

The Capitalism Depression™️ is seeping into my bones. Getting tired of the fucking grind to survive.

#text post #shark thoughts #I'm just so so so tired of this #I'm tired of losing almost all of my daylight #losing all my energy and not being able to really use what free time I have #waking up exhausted #I'M SO GOD DAMN FUCKING TIRED OF IT. I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE. I DON'T WANT MUCH. #I JUST WANT TO ENJOY MY DAYS WITH THE PEOPLE I LOVE DOING THINGS I ENJOY

[afniel]

Well, I still get horrifically motion sick.

#vomit mention #I'm okay now #but dear fuckin gods #I almost forgot how fast I can go from completely fine to praying to just die on the spot because it would suck less #I know I'm having a bad time when I start mentally time traveling to the future where everything is okay #and buddy I spent that entire car ride living as hard as I possibly could in the current moment #also I've been dealing with angular cheilitis which isn't any fun and uh. this did Not help. at all #the pineapple didn't help either lmao #I think I'm reacting to my toothpaste tbh I've never had it this constantly before #gods damn tho I'm so tired right now. #the rest of the day was great but busy and then. That™

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here my friend after a very, very long week. This is actually my 3rd attempt at sending you an ask. First, I finally had time and was excited to type up something for the latest episode and then the Buck LI stuff came out and the mood for that was killed. Next I had mostly typed up my salty thoughts only to have my internet go down (yes, I whined at home "what i was going to read??!!" and pointedly ignored my very much filled bookcase because my ships aren't in them). So here let's see if this one works out.

So how is it KR and the promo dept always manage to kill any joy we have when we get fed any kind of Buddie content (the follow-up to the Eddie getting shot, and the 5b and premier come to mind here)?? Seriously Buck and Eddie more or less went on a date and had family night together and almost immediately they came back with "look Buck and Eddie are going to go on dates!!". Its exhausting cause it seems like any time they put out a story that might even be slightly suggestive of them being more than platonic bros they insist on following it up with stories to "prove" they are, no matter how recycled those plots are.

And okay let's take a second here to ask WTF is KR doing with these characters? In 6b alone we've had Buck dying, a coma dream, PTSD, super powers, and now he's getting a crush, and we STILL haven't finished the accursed sperm donor storyline??!! Bobby and Athena investigated had the death of a beloved friend 🙄 plot, HenRen had the nonsensical Denny secretly seeing his Dad which was never an issue before plot, and Madney and Eddie are just kinda there?? The other characters have had at best one storyline where the audience has to either invent or rewrite the backstory for. But for Buck he's had like 50 plotlines, none of which have really gone anywhere? I love Buck but I'd rather have him have 1 good arc and resolution than whatever this bullshit is. I'd easily take that screentime and give it to any of the other characters if it meant we got 1 well thought out and executed storyline. Instead we're just recycling and redressing old plots for everyone else while KR uses a magnetic poetry set to plan what Buck's doing from episode to episode. We have 5 episodes left in the season, 4-5 guest characters that are going to be incorporated (including 2 much beloathed ones 🙄🙄🙄), and nothing really setup for our mains to do (even Eddie dating isn't setup, it literally hasn't come up after Ana and you'd think they could have in 6a while he was watching his son mature).

Anyway, I'll stop the rant here though there's definitely more I could say. I'll close off saying I hope you're feeling better today since this week looks like its been rough on you. Sending you virtual tea, soup, and hugs!!

Long week is RIGHT my friend! I'm so sorry you were foiled in your previous attempts! I am right there with you on the Buck LI stuff just...sucking a lot of the joy out of things for me. Because of course we're doing this again 🙄🙄🙄 I was even writing up notes on a possible fic and you KNOW I haven't written anything since Malex and even that was before s4 started. But alas. That sucks about the power going out! I hate when that happens especially if I was in the middle of something! (Also I am SO with you. I keep buying books and then just...not reading them because my brain says "it's not our blorbos so no.)

I am just...so tired at this point. Like yes these people *may* not stick around, but even so, I don't want to loose out on Buddie scenes and Buckley-Diaz family scenes! I don't want Buck to have 90% of his time and discussions with some new character I do not know or care about instead of Eddie and the firefam! They already tried to do that with BT and it was the woooooorst! I want Eddie to have screentime and arcs but again, I don't want the little time we DO get to be wasted on some random side character! And lets be honest, there is no person they can introduce at this point that can compare with the relationship Buck and Eddie have already built and the ways in which they are the perfect partners for what each other needs. So the options are to a) cut down on seeing that relationship so their new het ones don't look so shitty and lame in comparison, b) have these women be mostly just Blurry Girlfriends in the background with no personality or depth just to have the boys paired off so they don't have to do Buddie while still centering their relationship so people can't call them out for not committing to Buddie because their "friendship" looks basically the same, or c) give them LIs that are basically the other's personalities transplanted into a female body in order to have the relationship be anything close to what Buck and Eddie need in a life partner. These are all terrible options, and I hate them, more than I hate the idea of them ending up single even though it undercuts their own narrative set up for the characters but that's a cop-out too.

ANYWAY

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 to everything about Buck's 700 shitty arcs this season while everyone else is mostly twiddling their thumbs. KR is literally the worst at pacing and planning, and constructing a season with any kind of flow. On the bright side, Ravi is coming back and Chim is going to get to do something! I'm so excited! I was really hoping for more of him and Bobby teaming up last week because the little crumbs we got were GOLD.

I did have a very emotionally rollercoaster-y week and the show being Like This absolutely Did Not Help, but I am making it work. Mostly with loooots of fic. Cheers friend, lets see if we can make it through the finale intact, if Buddie dreams can make it through the finale intact, and if the SHOW can make it through the finale intact with how these renewal negotiations are going.

#my sweet nonnie friends #sleeping at last anon #911 #911 spoilers #IDC how it turns out 5 episodes from now or next season this is literally a repeat of s2 AND s4 #with eddie getting with someone and buck going back to trying to date right after #i am TIRED #i am OVER them running things in circles and going nowhere #and i am sick of kr ruining everything about the show with her incompetence and her obsession with cheap drama #GOD and the sperm donor thing is STILL fucking going! #didn't she say how “fun” it could be to see buck trying to date in the middle of all that?! #GOD if i think too hard about that storyline or the next few episodes i just get filled with rage #so i'm gonna go read some fic and calm down #but it is past time for her to go for REAL #get that woman AWAY from buck and his arcs and the whole damn show actually #brb gotta go scream into the woods for an hour

[belovedspector]

.

#i feel like venting and not a lot of people follow me here so i figured this is the best place to do it #i'm just so tired all the damn time #depression has been kicking my ass #and i've been trying for so long to get a handle on it #and nothing seems to work #going to possibly be starting a new med in a few weeks but idk #i just want to feel normal but i feel like i'll never get to that point #and then there's the fact that i don't really have any friends #the only person i do stuff with is my mom which is kinda sad #but idk how to meet people #ugh i'm just so done with everything #like work has also sucked recently #i had to leave after like half an hour on wednesday and took the rest of the week off #and my boss has been super understanding which is great but again i just want to feel normal and be able to do my work #i feel like such a failure in every aspect of my life #i'm 25 and what have i accomplished? #i know everyone goes at their own pace but god i feel like i'll never catch up #okay i think i'm done now #i doubt anyone read this but if you did uhhhh thank you and i hope you're doing well xo #jace talks #delete later?

[catcatb0y]

"Oh! A video about trans and gay memes! I can't wait to watch it! :3"

* over half (almost all of) the memes are about being a girl, estrogen, femininity, femdom/pegging *

"Ah."

#transmasc dysphoria #listen I am so glad you girls are getting your cake #and your cake (__) (__) #but can some of us have some crumbs??? please??? #I am bisexual #I am nonbinary #I am transmasc #how have I not been able to relate to a single fucking meme in this thirty minute video #I'm so glad that there are people out there who enjoy womanhood and feminity and being a girl #but can I please just find /one/ ''accepting'' space that doesn't push girlhood onto me? #can I exist without being constantly reminded of how goddamned out of place I am literally fucking everywhere? #'well who doesn't want to be a girl' ME!! I DON'T WANNA BE A GIRL #it's such a small and stupid thing but god damn #I'm really tired of the constant alienation from everywhere. all the time. #can I just??? exist??? for once???

[monty-glasses-roxy]

If any of you see me online tomorrow before important task is done, it's your job now to turn my kneecaps into frisbees and let a dog chase 'em.

#i can do it. i can!!! #it's not that bad!! #the stressors aren't that bad its fiiiine #the reward outweighs everything!! by so much!!! #i am pspspspspspsing myself into doing it #please frisbee my kneecaps if I'm here and NOT doing the task. #PLEASE #it's so important!!! to me!!! that i do it!!! #the reward!!!!! the rewaaarrrdddddd!!!!! #rattle me into the god damn sun or something i will be going insane all day until it happens #I'm so tired its. time to snooze for sure lmao #goodnight

[iaintkissingnofrog]

.

#Don't worry about me but I hate being alive so god damn much I'm so tired all the time I hate waking up and having to do tasks even the ones #I like #I hate that i have to eat and sleep and whatever the fuck else there is to do #I hate my parents for having me and that I have to live this life till I die I wish i had never started it at all #what is the point of doing anything at all

[departed-pronouns]

Scrolling through my timeline now is letting me look and see a wide arrange of thoughts and reactions. But something I notice from almost everyone right now that has something to say about 911 and it's lackluster last season and season final. Is that they never expected Buck and Eddie to get together. I don't just mean the people who say they never saw the romance, that's a given, but they are saying it as if it was a forgone conclusion and they're saying that it's because we shouldn't expect to see characters presented as queer.

And then on the other side there are people who really wanted it and believed it was possible. There are people who wanted it but kept their expectations low because there's always a chance that your ship wont sail. There were people that just wanted canon confirmed Bi buck or canon confirmed queer Eddie in any form the show gave.

But in their posts on tumblr, on twitter, reddit or discord. They always have to add after saying they saw the possibility of it, but that they wouldn't be surprised if it didn't happen. After 911's last episode people who posted about Buddie were saying they were disappointed but they weren't surprised. There are people posting that they expected to be disappointed and people posting that you should have seen it coming and just accept that it was never going to happen.

And honestly, why not? Tell me why. Things have to change some time for the better. Why not see that change now? Why not be disappointed about this? When really by now we should be to a point where one fan pairing that's queer doesn't go canon should be just as meh as if a fan hetero couple does. Why just accept it's never going to happen.

I mean maybe I wont get to see something like this in my life time. But I'd like to think one day we could do something as simple as watch tv and see people on it being all different shades of queer. See two guys who were only written as straight suddenly show queerness because like, in real life that's something that happens, people realize things late in life. People present a certain image and when you get to know them more you find out hidden depth. Characters aren't even real and this annoying rule that fiction has to be held in this chock hold because people in real life are homophobic/transphobic/just terrible in general and can't seem to handle, well, differences.

Maybe that day when I can log online and say two fictional characters would be cute together and not end up in some online discourse over it will also be the same day me or any other person that's different won't have to live in fear in real life. Can be unique but not considered 'other' and 'wrong' Because yes for a lot of people this may just be 'oh no the pretty people I want to see together on tv didn't get together'. But to some it's another way of pointing out how what a lot of us are is wrong and gross. And to people like me it's another reminder that I don't live in a world where what I am is normal enough to just be on tv. To just be out there and not given a second thought.

In this specific fandom, for this show, lots of people point out there's already Hen and Karen, and there had been David and Michael. As if that fills some quota the queers have that doesn't apply to straight couples. We didn't see anyone saying Buck or Eddie shouldn't have girl friends because there were already too many straight couples on the show. Hell, with this fandom I've had someone tell me if I want to see a gay couple, go watch a completely different show. Cause Lone star has Carlos and TK. It's like a backwards slide, enough queerness on this, move along to something else.

Frankly I think seeing people say 'I know this could never happen' is more depressing than the ship not sailing. And I wish when I or other people brought up our disappointment about this sort of stuff. It wasn't boiled down to us being silly about ship. Right now one of the very real ways I can fight against prejudice is by finding and supporting queer media and trying to support the general medium embracing and celebrating and representing queer people in real ways.

Sure it might not be on the same level as when I protest legislation that is being passed that strips away peoples rights. Which is still happening because we can't change people's misinformed views on real life issues, and we can't do that if we can't even get past token rep in shows.

#911 #fandom #this fandom #other fandoms #any show or movie or book or game #SPN #teen wolf #it's depressing that I could think of three shows I like that all fall under the umbrella of this issue #god damn it I'm gay and I'm tired #and not the cute kind of tired that I can't get to sleep at a decent time #I'm tired of so many fights on so many fronts and I'm so angry that one of the things I have to deal with involves a show I like #and what really gets me is that someone will look at this and scoff at and mock that I have this view on a tv show. #As if media isn't a powerful tool that's used to shape the cultural zeitgeist

[abyssalhuntersnerd]

Tfw your teacher tells you that you need to pick a simple logo design before Friday to make handmade stamps out of it and you immediately think to yourself: I am so doing the Abyssal Hunters Logo. You can't stop me.

#normal posts #I am gonna make myself personalized merch #once we get past this fucking semester #it's all just #sitting down and listening to the teacher and nothing else for 3 hours at a time #it's kinda boring because of how much info they dump on you #like I love it but ugh it's tiring and tomorrow I have the worst subject of them all #aka you gotta learn laws and the teachers won't explain shit to you #:))) #I'm getting used to it tho I've been sleeping and all so that's good #but like damn getting home at 10pm is a little hard sometimes but its a welcome change #I'm just kinda worried cause I haven't studied for 5 years so like oh god how did you do this #also I forgot how to fucking write in Spanish my god I've been working for too long and my brain just can't make #anything sound proper #and my classes are in two languages so it's even more confusing #I'm not the best student I'll admit #but I'm gonna try my best #I'm just scared I won't be able to do things in time ;;; also sn ;;;;;;; pls don't let is have any tests by then #aaaaaa

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

Maybe I just miss havin someone else to blame

#i feel so fucking useless. worthless. i had ONE job n instead i fucked it up n crossed that one line i can't uncross #he'll never forgive me n it's all my own damn fault #don't know how to cope with how there's no way back now. he doesn't even want me anymore he just wants to hurt me #n i kinda wanna let him cause it's all i was ever any good for anyway #just. lie back n let him take it all out on me. as if he ever made it that easy #god what the hell is wrong with me this is fucking pathetic #he was the only one that could make my head quiet the only one i could always go back to. even if he made me regret it every time #i don't know how to change any of this. it can't always be like this can it? somethin's gotta change at some point right? #i need to stop gettin so fucking wasted i make a fool outta myself but. i only feel even sorta okay if i'm drunk #what the fuck am i supposed to do? #i just wanna go home. i thought things would get better now that i'm technically free of him but. i still feel the same. or worse #at least i could keep myself numb most of the time. n i had cherri n nuggs. everyone feels so fucking far away here #n it's probably me not them but. idk how to change anythin. everythin's just wrong. #everythin's always wrong #i'm so fucking tired n sleep doesn't change a fucking thing #i guess maybe val was right. there's nothin out here for someone like me. what he gave me was the best i could get n i shoulda just m #*appreciated it instead of always complaining #idk how long i can keep myself from goin back to him. just to see if he can still make it all go away. even if i'll probably regret it. #fucking hell how long can i keep this up?? i can't start drinkin more i can't damage this body like that for the others #but i'm startin to run really low on options #spdrvent

[airbenderedacted]

Genuine question- why don’t you just delete Twitter? :0

as of two(?) years ago or smthn i'd officially blocked and befriended enough people on there for me to REALLY ENJOY being on twitter

SO LIKE being locked out is  like this hjdnmnbghsHJDNBNds

#the site format of just. sharing quick blurbs of thoughts + the way twitter threads work really vibes with me #like i ADORE and miss how on tumblr you can just throw a whole mess of additional thoughts in the tags Like I'm Doing Right Now #but also posting being 1000x shorter and simpler on twitter makes me procrastinate on sharing thoughts a lot less #bc on tumblr i'm like. i became so particular abt the order of posts on my blog... n then there's how long ik it'd take me 2 post abt smthn- #-with no character limit + with the option to format things + add pics however i want + TAGS and. yeah i just go #''oh i'd spend forever on that'' and not do it #whereas on twitter im like. a lot more likely to just share dumb random things yeah! also it just feels more lively on there ig? :O #love going sillay mode with the mutuals!!!!!! #love holding up blorbos and getting a real-time feed of mutuals going (applause) sjkdhskjds #ALSO ALSO i have one (1) whole bestie to talk about lord dom & general woy things with aND HE'S ONLY ON TWITTER #AOAOAIUGUIGUGUGHHHHH #but again being really busy with college makes this more of a blessing than anything else tbh #i just miss being able to see all my friends on there!!! 8') eeee e e #EDIT: god i meant to post this like a whole half an hour ago but i typed like 90% of it then zoned off into space. ough im TIRED tired damn

[cinnamon-coffees]

“It’s literally impossible to be a woman.

You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow, we're always doing it wrong?

You have to be thin, but not too thin, and you can never say you wanna be thin. You have to say you wanna be healthy, but also, you have to BE THIN.

You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass.

You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean.

You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas.

You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time.

You have to be a career woman, but also, always be looking out for other people.

You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is INSANE, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining!

You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood, but ALWAYS STAND OUT and ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL. But never forget that the system is rigged, so find a way to acknowledge that but ALSO, always be grateful!

You have to never get old. Never be rude. Never show off. Never be selfish. Never fall down. Never fail. Never show fear. Never get OUT OF LINE. It's too hard! It's too contradictory, and nobody gives you a medal or says 'thank you!' And it turns out, in fact, that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also, everything is your fault.

I'm just so tired of watching myself, and every single other woman tie herself into knots, so that people will like us.

And if all of that, is also true for a doll just representing a woman, then I don't even know." -Gloria the barbie movie

this is it. this is exactly it oh my god.

#barbie #barbie movie #feminism #this is modern feminism talking #it’s so messed up #the patriarchy #male gaze

[thesmokinpossum]

I have so many papers due for the next 6 days and I litterally didn't do shit today

#the poor decision making on my part smdh #i was just so tired the whole day i truly couldn't focus on anything #i go to bed late and wake up late and already tired lately i really need to fix that #this said i spent like 3 hours looking at my own blog in its 2016-2019 era and all i go to say is #god i'm glad this time is behind me #i was *so* unhappy like damn i really want to go back in time and give myself a hug smh