#I....I DONT EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHAT IM GONNA DO TBH

[justallihere]

i'm going insane bc i was away for the weekend and left my phone alone (god bless) and came back to a whole chapter PLUS love declaration PLUS forehead kiss ?? omg.....

Mira is not letting Xaden rest like ever, I do wonder what Violet told her while Xaden was prepping her bath tho.

“Not if it bothers you, they can’t,” said Xaden. “I’ll make sure they keep it away from you.” 

oh he wants violet to be comfortable so baaaad he's the embodiment of "is the sun bothering you queen" and im so here for it.

i'm totally fine and sane over xaden washing violet's hair im not kicking my feet or anything and im definetely not crying over how soft they are and how much trust must violet have on him bc she's letting him touch her hair after it being threatned to be cut.

forehead touches are my faaaav so u can imagine how well fed i am after this chapter and for that i say thank you alli *dramatically bows*

Xaden not wanting her to feel like she wasnt love so he just declares himself to her had me weak, like it could've been this grand gesture but nothing between them has ever been planned or expected so he just winged it and it was perfectly what she needed. talk about soulmates !!

when u told us the declaration was gonna hurt i didnt have this imagined in my mind but im so glad it happened this way and not the way i thought it was gonna happen. it was so bittersweet !!

ALSO she def knows she loves him shes just not ready to admit it bc in no way in hell would she ask him to say after he declared himself if she didnt know she also felt something

also the way they first slept i know xaden neck was complaining

also violet reminded me of a cat who always try to get closer in their sleep. she just wants to cuddle !! and shes so real for that

Rhiannon is truly a bestie!! not her terrorrizing the love interest we love a ride or die bestie, even if sometimes she's unresonable

“You whisked her away before anyone could check on her.” 

bestie there was not one single part of her that wasnt broken what was the man supposed to do *cries* but i do understand her stress

SLOANE MAIRI !!! not her calling the king of tyrrendor her brother i love that for her !! she's a princess so true. also i looove xaden and liam's talk it wasnt too cheesy bc tbh they dont operate like that but it was so genuine !!

can the guards chill !!

Garrick is just like me!! i too love gossip and will put my hands on it as soon as i can. but garrick its been like 12 hours wait a little longer or violet herself will call u out again. but also not garrick begging xaden no rule to country and he's just like "no <3" love that for him his wife just got back running a country is very far from his mind.

“Is that what you told her to do?” Rhiannon raised an eyebrow. “Get over it?” “No, but you’re not her, are you?”

He's so ??!!

the development of violet a few chapters ago being like "he didnt hold me while we slept bc there had been no excuses for it in Aretia" to now being like "im gonna curl into your arms so hard you'll never escape" and honestly good for them !!

anywayyyy i LOVED this chapter

lol a lot happened this weekend, welcome back!!!

Xaden’s literal one and only concern is Violet and her comfort, fuck everything else. I’m totally not fine and sane about the hair washing so I guess we balance each other out 🫶🏻

They are very much soulmates!! Xaden didn’t plan to fall in love with her, of course he didn’t plan some grand declaration of it either, we’re just going with what feels right. Violet is a grumpy little kitten yes you’re right

Rhiannon is stressed as hell, like give her best friend back RIORSON where is she

Garrick needs both gossip and for Xaden to do his job and he’s getting neither of those things! Too bad so sad!

Thank you!!!! 🩷

#storm in the quiet

[todayisafridaynight]

I mean, I like Daigo and Y3 but it's undeniable that a lot of the reason of MineDai being small is cuz Mine, Daigo and Y3 are generally unliked? Not like hated but like just not liked down upon the bigger side of the fandom. Add to that that the yaoi girlies, like us, are just like a fraction of the fandom... well, not exactly big shit to have.

Personally... I'm kinda glad Mine is overlooked cuz... dear fucking god the radioactive waste he could create if he was popular. Mind you, I'm not exactly a Mine fan but I know he would be... not the best for larger audiences.

minedai really is just for us yaoi girlies you're so right .....

#snap chats #OH BUT YEAH i was gonna make that a point in my last post but i forgot to 💀💀 #i don't think mine himself is super disliked- i've seen most people upset that he's not back in the main series #yk. OUTSIDE of my circles ofc. people do have issue with y3 tho thats undeniable LMAO it cause people cant grab </3 #but on that note daigo is another essential point. like as much as I love daigo and i can write essays about his character #in a franchise where there are protags who wrestle bears / punch tigers / what the fuck ever is going n with maj|ma #daigo is very. Normal. very hilarious but still it's no surprise people overlook him #it's a strength for his character In My Eyes that he's generally hidden from the spotlight #he's a chairman yk. he's only suppsed to come out when things get dire etc etc #but because of that he more so just fades into the background compared to everyone else #SPEAAKING of the hyptheticals of more mine fans tho. christ 💀 #i dont even know tbh cause i cant say . its so weird #cause there are weirdos who idolize mine for the wrong reasons (as if theres a right?? way??) so if that was widespread i think id throw up #BUT IM RAMLING point is i love being a part of the like. under-thirty-people minedai club its so fun

[arsenicflame]

well i think its finally time to open this box

#sorry gang apparently i am incapable of sticking to my word and am continuing to have a personality on main and subject you all #to all of my bullshit #i am doing my best but i am a weak bitch who does not know how to process feelings #so its a fucking miracle im opening this box tbh. ive wavered a lot around this one #this round of thinking is being brought on by the probable imminent break up between me + my gf 🙃👍 #its been on the cards for a hot minute i mean. she hasnt sent me a message since the 8th of march until today and its like a. #we need to talk message so. like im not surprised. ans ive been thinking about it all a lot recently #i dont really want to realise im aro while im with someone so ive been avoiding it but like. ive been thinking. and ive been thinking if we #shouod break up too anyway because like. i get i am so hard to be around. but nothing. for a month. even a silly picture. it hurts dude #but i kinda didn't want to push because. i know i am. me. and a lot. and i know shes got stuff on her plate. but so do i #maybe we're both no good #to be around #nyxtalks #this is very not helpful in my whole. everyone i love leaves me eventually so i should isolate myself and push them all away thing i guess #but i dont think. i want to cling. i dont wanna be that pathetic. #she can do better than me (i cant do better than her) #i mean. idk ive been questioning if im aro anyway so. idk #i dont fucking know #honestly this is gonna be so cringe if this isnt what she wanted to talk about but like. what else could it possibly be i guess #dude i am so sorry if you read this this turned into relationship vent rather than my feelings around aromanticism #those are.complicated enough for their own post and i probably need to talk to some actual aromantic people about that

[pezpenser205]

3am monday morning mood

#insert garfield i hate mondays joke here #op #........................................................................................................................................... #........................................................................................................................ #...................................................................................................................... #....................................................................................................................... #........................................................... #............................................................ #sui mention tw if you read further for some odd reason #was highkey wanting to change my mind before the date came but now im not so sure thats gonna happen #i dont have a lot of time #2 days is not enough to get a job or change my mind so i dont even know what im gonna do #i feel like im dreaming all the time #'i dont know what im gonna do' is for sure a lie though i damn well know come on now #its simple a + b = c math #(im a waste of resources) + (i dont even like being here and am not a person anymore) = (i shouldnt be here) #i think my family will get over it like none of them even talk to me anymore (not that i make it easy but still) #i have nothing that somebody else cant have or do better than me its not that big of a deal. #like literally i cant fucking comprehend what anyone would like about me anymore #everything bad about me so clearly outweighs the 1/10 times i can be funny or dependable or considerate. #im just taking advantage of others' compassion at this point #when i say 'i am not a person' i mean that with 100% sincerity #i get surprised and scared when people talk to me and have no concept of self and no real hobbies. im just empty im not even angry anymore #im beyond unhinged tbh i have zero self awareness and feel like im the only person like me that exists and im rambling- #-and oversharing all the time and talking over others because i fail to even really understand or consider what theyre saying anymore #-and simultaneously i feel too unremarkable to be worthy of life #i feel like im playing my entire life in VR like nobody and nothing here is real. none of you are even real. #this feels the same as typing in a word document i just always feel alone no matter who im talking to or what im doing #i feel like the only real person in the world and the only one that shouldnt be here #i cant even bring myself to feel scared of death. im just. nothing. even when im crying i dont feel anything at all

[astranauticus]

idk what is it about that one throwaway line from han sooyoung about her writing 10 chapters in one day that finally broke me but oh my fuckin god i love her so much

#orv liveblog #asto speaks #orv spoilers #(for the tags ->) #i KNOW theres more to her character in the epilogues. let me get to it #but also. god i love her.... #insane edgelord tsundere writer <3 #like especially in the past year or so being someone who *creates* art besides just consuming it has become such a big part of just #like its just a part of me. if i stop creating i die #so like... hsy the writer.... predictive plagiarism.... kdj witnesses yjh experiences hsy imagines.... alksdfjhlahsdlkfhslkdjf #okay also cuz i dont read much tbh KJFDHKSJDFH im an artist and theatre kid at best #but also like. yknow. the tsundere edgelord refusal to express affection like a normal person but doing it through your art #both her casting kdj in the journey to the west remake scenario as 'guy who needs to chill the fuck out and get carried by his teammates' #and also her asking him to read her novels like i want to create stories you love and stories that make you happy.... #lmao lets see how well all of this ages when i hit the epilogues #i have a very very vague idea of whats gonna happen and im very. well not even scared tbh just confused KJSDHFKHSDKFJH #lol my webtoon only friend keeps getting confused at like. yoohankim in general cuz hsy hasnt rly had that big a role in the webtoon yet #she keeps going 'is this orv or link click' cuz like a lot of yoohankim art gives off lowkey lc trio energy if you dont look closely LMAO #me (newly minted yoohankim enjoyer): WELL-

[skrunksthatwunk]

ok yakuza 6 spoilers and not a very insightful post but every time i remember how young haruka is when she has haruto i get sooo nervous lol. she's like NINETEEN. what the FUCKK

#i know conceptually that ppl have kids that young but.woah #i guess it didnt happen a lot in the ppl i went to school with/i didnt pay that much attention to it/stigma led to minimization of it #like she has to take care of a whole baby now. she has to be a mother and take on the kinda role kiryu had #while also kinda managing the orphanage relatively alone bc kiryu bailed. wtf wtf #idk. i think im kinda squeamish about pregnancy in general a little? but especially that young like.ough #good or bad wanted or not having a kid is a big fucking deal and it scares me a little idk. especially since haruto WAS unintentional #like whats she gonna do for a job. she probably cant do college soon (if ever) and shes probably blacklisted from showbiz entirely #so even if she wanted to do behind the scenes work she couldnt #even with yuta's help it'd be a stretch. and then theres rhe other orphans i just. hhhhh aughhhh #man taking care of a baby was hard enough for kiryu and he's like ok teenage daughter. im going hands off like WHAT #i think the ending choices of 6 are fascinating and theres a lotta reasons to criticize kiryu within that but leaving her with effectively #7 younger siblings and a baby is one i dont see talked about enough tbh #rgg #its SCARY. I'M SCARED. #im sooo fucking worried about my future and haruka's looks even more terrifying to me so it just activates shit in my brain

[bitchthefuck1]

Every time I see someone call Inej an assassin part of my soul dies a little

#besties that isn't her job! its just factually incorrect to call her that! #i don't remember seeing it happen before sab which for some fucking reason repeatedly calls her one when. again. its just not correct. so #im choosing to blame sab and a general lack of reading comprehension #like i get that if you call her a spider ppl who haven't seen the show wont know what you mean but the word spy is literally right there #and its much closer to the truth but i guess that wasnt girl boss knife wife enough for them #it does get really funny when they use the assassin label even though she hasnt killed anyone by the time the show is happening so she just #seems kind of incompetent (like most of the crows do tbh). like if you have a moral opposition against killing ppl and you've never taken a #like you mislabeled her character even in your own universe #anyways we dont need to rehash all the reasons its a bad show #one of these days im gonna do some internet sleuthing and try to figure out what was in her wiki entry before the show was announced to see #if it called her that bc if it did then we can prove these dummies didn't read the book and just skimmed the internet #before anyone nitpicks me idk if they actually call her an assasin in the show itself but they called her one in all the promo materials #inej ghafa #shadow and bone #anti shadow and bone #*people who haven't read the book. not seen the show

[dexaroth]

i cant believe the day but i finally got a full tower pc. bought it already built and at a considerable discount of some 320 dollars off. its fucking huge and theres so many things going on inside... i was initially planning on choosing the parts myself but finding the graphics card was so hard and everyone else convinced me to just buy it built and honestly? good. id probably have fucked this up so badly by myself

i cant use it yet bc i took too long to buy the monitor that was also on sale and now its regular price -_- tho i managed to find a discount used one for now. well see how that goes since ill get it tomorrow. i tested it on out living room tv and it had some kaspersky thingy open and like thats so cute. i hope they left some treats in the browsing history for me to search through before i wipe it clean

#its a hexer case and wouldnt you guess the front has a hexagonal pattern. so pretty.. #it came with 3 fans installed there too that have a cmyk color style to them and it looks quite neat. im thinking of buying some leds to pu #inside the case to go with my keyboard tho idk if id go that far tbh (< gamer rot is setting in. im not immune to pretty lighting..) #its also got a lot of unused space inside. im thinking of making more sculptures to put in. though idk if thatd be safe for it #bc cold porcelain is glue and water. what if it evaporates inside and suddenly everythings covered in a glue film #i wonder if varnish would help? the transparent nail polish sure didnt do shit it came off like 2 days after sculpting the rw slug sleeping #which like yeah of course. its nail polish. but i didnt expect it to flake since all it does is sleep on top of my laptop keyboard #i need miniature glass cake cover tops to encapsule every sculpture inside for safety #looking at it still no wonder these are called towers gotdamn its legit so huge.. #it looks awkward tho bc i cant fully make it glue to the wall bc of the cables so its like. awkwardly a bit in front of the wall #im scaared as to how to tell if it ever gets too hot. on a laptop u just press ur head against the left half and feel how hot it is #i think im gonna need software for this.. sigh. tho maybe ill never get to that point since its supposed to be decent #AND its not 8 years old + the 3 fans and gpu fan and cpu fan. surely thats enough. the case even has space for more than that!! #the acrylic side reflects my keyboard too. so niceys. stimulation for my creature eyes #my desk is gonna be so fucked up when i have to organize everything too bc the one i have now is perfecly laptop-oriented #it sits on a custom wooden desk and the keyboard+drawing tablet sit below. but theres a shelf on top of my desk thats too low for the> #>normal monitor to sit to so i wont be able to use the custom desk. and i dont even know what ill do with my laptop either #finally a good change in my sad life routine fr. i cant wait to play watchdogs on this and overgrowth and other ones #AND LAGLESS KRITA SMUDGE ENGINE BRUSHES!!! AND DOUBLE BRUSHES. THEYRE SO LAGGY #A N D ACTUAL FULL HD NORMAL MONITOR. maybe that will get me to not draw in small canvases anymore #now im anxious i just want the day to be over to get the monitor tomorrow aouugh.. just bc i started coding my resources neocities page #dextxt #<the 'major life events' ((sorta)) tag returns. one for the books.. if something bad happens.. itll be here to remind me of the good times

[sanstropfremir]

....I have to ask..... what do you think about gidle song nude? The Marilyn Monroe inspiration was definitely there along with that jazz age sound in a way?? But man... I'm not sure what to think of it. Bc I can see what they're going for. The different shades of blonde remind me of red velvet ice cream cake era. I can see the message maybe about embracing sexuality? Something that exid would do in terms of messaging but way more obvious. Idk. It feels like soye*n is trying to make impactful songs which chart wise and album sale wise she does but it doesn't ever hit for me.

i wish gidle would actually do something that was worth the 'hype' that they get. i don't like the song but i've never liked a song from them so. the mv........it's complicated. there are actually a lot of good connections and ideas happening there, but the problem is that they just don't DO anything with them. like 90% of the mv is references to different types of 'scandalous' media or cultural touchstones, and from which ones they've chosen i can see that they're trying to make some kind of comment on the judgement and policing women's bodies and sexuality, but they don't really follow that through to anything meaningful. they themselves don't actually do anything scandalous, which, in my instincts, would be the logical conclusion in my brain. they just make references and call it a day.

the base format for the whole thing is vaudeville, which is pretty much the ancestor of burlesque and stripping; the opening moment with the pink velvet dress is just a knockoff version of marilyn's diamonds are a girl's best friend number from gentlmen prefer blondes; the cone bra is obvs a madonna reference; the cartoon is jessica rabbit from who framed roger rabbit; the book she's reading is (i'm assuming) walt whitman's leaves of grass; obvs also the marilyn white dress moment; also inexplicably there's a banksy reference too with the shredding frame. which was a scandal, but it's not at all related to gender or sexuality so i have no idea why it was included, unless they're trying to make the conflation between the female body and art as a bought and sold commodity, which.................well. there's better ways to handle that that make more logical sense. like clearly there was a creative team that had relatively lofty ideas, but you have to do something with those ideas. and they kind of set themselves up for failure in this instance, because they were clearly trying to make some sort of intentional statement (basically it wasn't just a spectacle piece), but you can't just reference a bunch of media and call it a day. you have to synthesize something new out of those references. that's the difference between why something like 2 baddies works and why this doesn't; 2 baddies makes something new from a ton of source material (literally in the case of the custom porsche too). it also isn't trying to be deeper than it is, yea it's based in a bunch of weird niche research but the mv isn't expecting you to know about the history of car manufacturing or art deco in order to appreciate the neon vomit chaos. it's there in order to give the visuals an underpinning logic. but if you don't know any of the references in the nxde mv, the theme means literally nothing. it's incomprehensible. they literally have to name some of the references at the end of the mv so people get it. and that's a cheap shortcut, instead of actually doing the work to make something that has artistic merit on its own.

#gidle w #kpop questions #like a lot of this mv explicitly hinges around jessica rabbit's ''im not bad im just drawn that way'' #but do you think a single kpoppie has seen who framed roger rabbit. or even knows who she is on sight? #tbh i think it's even a reach to expect ppl to know that scene from gentlemen prefer blondes at this point #idk like i guess its possible that they accidentally stumbled into the same themes since jessica is meant to be the same type of comment #but idk. i dont think they were smart enough to get there #and the animated/live action combo is like way too specific of a detail. esp with the style #also? extremely weird and racist to associate being blonde and pale with being 'nude' #and i'm not gonna bring up the chanel styling but there's another scandal reference if you want one #text #answers #like if they truly wanted to make the art/body connection what they SHOULD have done was referenced the marilyn warhol prints #not banksy. also who the fuck cares about banksy these days #like i hadnt heard that name in like five years at this point #like there's a ton of postmodern art references you can make here to talk about art market manipulation etc etc #like you cant just kind of vaguely gesture at the whole women/art thing without unpacking #bc it BOLD to make the inference that a certain type of person is bought and sold as a commodity????????? hello???????????? #anyways gidle made a thing i didnt like again. big surprise

[sea-jello]

i saw somewhere someone said to put the blorbos into a modern au but in your own country so im gonna stick the jersey kids in the city and its gonna be hell for them. squip squad more like suburban squad

#bmc city au 💀💀 #well i mean if you grew up there its not gonna be hell youd be used to it #but current jeremy and/or michael would not survive the train it gets packed as HELL there #not to even mention the fucking streets #crowds and traffic babey driving is a whole other sport there #i am aware country and city are different but just saying china doesnt really narrow it down #i dont even know if we're part of china i dont think we are #im giving you all this info cause i dont live there anymore dont doxx me #im procrastinating so you get this #i might draw it tbh #if i do draw it youll definitely know what city im talking about #i HATE history i hate exams #its TOMORROW #bmc #be more chill #bmc musical #be more chill musical #bmc au #idk

[daydreaming-in-daisies]

my professor still hasn't graded our finals and graduation is tomorrow. she said she'd be finished grading by thursday and it's almost saturday. im still not sure if i passed or not, like should i even go??? bc if i go but i didn't pass, then i won't be allowed to walk again (my school only lets you walk once, which is fucking ridiculous). but if i don't go and i find out i passed, i'm gonna be mad at the missed opportunity.

#words #personal #yeah idk what im gonna do #i might just go anyway tbh despite not knowing #which isn't ideal #bc im exhausted and i just dont wanna do anything school related #i have the grad cap and gown so maybe i should anyway #but it would feel undeserved #fr fuck my cell bio professor for not grading this shit on time #you literally had one job #i really can't stand these fucking science professors at my school #why tf does my university even have a rule about only being able to walk once #do they not realize that sometimes grading delays happen and people dont know how they did until later????

[pizzapizzadickz]

I've been popping pills like they're candy lately. (Also known as I've been in pain a lot and my allergies are horrible bc of all the mold in my room).

#diary #personal #on another note entirely that i didnt want to put it in the main thing. i feel so. different from what ppl know me as sometimes #like. i may talk to you. and you may think you know me. but do you really? ive been thinking. if ppl met me would they even like me? #like. when i have meltdowns or sensory overload or just need time to chill n stim. or just lay down n nap #like. idk if others could tollerate that of me. if i met someone irl and arent heavily masking my personality you can tell im strange #fuck. just today i spent like 5-10 mins just. tapping on my collarbones hard bc it feels nice feeling ur bones vibrate #idk. like. honeslty i cant even put it into words and speaking itself is so ineffective tbh. #it just really sucks tho. cuz i mask so much of myself so much of the time. i mask the pain. i mask my happiness. #heck i even mask everything inbetween. #honestly i sorta just dont believe anyone would like me if i acted how i want to. like. i am very autistic natually. VERY AUTISTIC #i just hide all of that for everyones comfort and it makes things activly less enjoyable for me. #idk. i just. want to go out. cling to someone i care about and make them guide me. wear noise cancelling headphones everywhere #i rly just want to never go anywhere loud or crowded (even tho i like trying new food n things). #i want to jump up and down when im happy. run when i feel. scream if i want. cry if i need. #id like it if someone saw me meltdown or shutdown they wouldnt freak out. #id like to be able to mess up things in social situations and it wouldnt matter. i just wouldnt worry about if id still have a friend. #id like to be able to be heard when i say no i cant have/do that. i really wish that was the case even now. #i. really have just become so much more autistic the more ive focused on myself. my needs and my feelings . #like. today my dad wanted to order something that *admittedly* is the exact same thing i was gonna order. #HOWEVER THERE IS ONE KEY DIFFERENCE. IT IS NOT WHAT I PICKED OUT. so what if its different from what i want???? #i cant have that!! so i panicked a lot. and he repeatedly ignored me when i said no i dont want x food. #eventually mom stepped in and made it so i got what i wanted. #yknow? existing hurts so much. just all of the time too. i keep on coming back lately to the same thought. #over and over and over again on repeat. just. idk. its hard to explain. #i keep on thinking how itd be better if i was like replaced with someone else. if someone else was born instead of me. #like. im utterly useless. but maybe if only x sperm was born instead of me they wouldnt be like me. idk. #maybe then everyone would be happy. maybe then theyd be able to work and make my parents and everyone else happy. #theyd be able to fit in. they could lead a much better life than me. i wish i wasnt so utterly useless. #i just want a long break. its exhausting living and im not rly cut out for it. too bad i wont get one anytime soon. god i hate this.

[nexus-nebulae]

i amb. Dissociating

#low health #<- this tag for mental health too ig #ask to tag #i dont know why i am brain not working #literally do not know what is causing this #havent been able to focus at all yesterday or today #probably longer than that idk #id ont know who i am or whos nearby front #i dont think our brain wants echo anumore but we dont have a replacement what do we do #we almost got two relplacement but they werent fit for being host for various reaosns #i keep just. like. going blank for so amny minutes at a time #jsut staring at nothing midsentenece and never finishing the thoght #sorry for all the misspellnigs too i dont really have the energy to fix them tbh #brain is being not ok but i dont know why its happening or what can fix it #maybe its hust fall idk #fall always fills me with dread for like. many reasons #like soon im not gonna be able to walk as much and im almost never gonna be able to leave the house once winter hits #plus fall seems to be exactly when bad things alwys happen to me so #thank u august 2020 for that oen #but its not even august anymore youd think if it were connected to the august incident itd fuck me up during august #i dont know. i dont know whats wrong or why my brain is upse t #and i dont know how to fix it #i keep thinking 'talking to friend will help' and maybe it is i dont know i cant tell #but im too fucking dumb and anxious to do that half the fucking time anyways #... i think i have trust issues #not in the sense of 'i think everyone around me is hiding something' or shit like that #btu more in the sense of 'i am so scared at every second that i am going to fuck this up' #so i never even try bc it's the only 100% guaranteed way to not fuck up right???? #wrong then i lose all my friends bc i dont talk to anyone ever

[slimeylee]

why have these last years fucking sucked ass

#slimey-vents #trigger warning below hi did you drink water today and eat something i hope u did ur so cool and amazing pls get some rest gives u a cookie #please scroll past if uninterested i also dont want u to feel obligated like u have to read n listen to me vent and ramble on abt dumb shit #like 2020 - 2024 . have just been ass . #we're not even halfway into 2024 and it already is just #garbage . like its fucking horrible #i dont see how this year could get . any worse ?? but i wouldnt want to get my hopes up on that itll get better ? #like god what has been happening . #covid came up technoblade got cancer and passed away israel's continuing their mass genocide #and a lot of things have happened in my personal life . such as my mother passing away . #and . its just been so fucking hard ?? #i wish i had lasting hope in humanity . but tbh i dont think its ever gonna get any better and that really fucks w me #ive been having suicidal thoughts and ive just been in a very shitty mental state recently #like social media #is honestly the only thing i have to live on #i have honestly boring friends n all my friends dont go to my school . my gf doesnt even go to my school #ive had to switch schools after having a fun time and doing a lot better . the only thing that im holding on by a thread to is social media #all my friends . my fandoms . etc . i talk to through my phone and through here #im so glad to have met everybody that i have on here #im sorry this is getting really long ive started going on a ramble but i just want everyone to know that i love yall /p #i appreciate everybody so much . all my moots and my close friends that ive made not only here but irl as well #and everybody that ive talked to throughout the time we've known each other . i really just want to think that everything will get better #everybody that ive met through my years of social media and school have really changed my life . and idk what i wouldve done #having never met any of them . especially my moots on here that ive grown close to #its just been stressful . but ive strived to get through it all . despite how hard it is #and how desperately i just want to let go from everything #but ending one thing doesnt end any pain it just gives it on to someone else #and i know that im way too pussy to end anything anyways . #but on another note . #please remember that you are amazing . talented . strong . and i appreciate and ily so much . /p

[29121996]

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#realising today that like . all of This makes me uncomfy bc ive been in a similar position before #2yrs ago and . theres a potentual it could turn out the same way it did last time #and i sont think it will #i dont want it to and i rdguse to ljke go down that path and spiral. but. #anyway my therapist making me actuvely look at my past trauma and dig through memories is so fucking . infuriating even tho ik its the point #like shes not just a soundboars for me to bounxe my thoughts off (which is what 70% of my sessions are tbh) #like its 70% me bitching abt smth and then maybe 10% her Correcting me and 20% trauma Digging and opening uo wounds i still have #anyway. this is so fucked i want to fix it - partly bc i do l*ve h*m and partly bc im such a fucking . #i will not let things Go until im batteres ans bruised in every shape and form #and i hate that this means . dragging him along with it #even tho he has freewill and can iterally just Leave me if he wanted to. #im bitter and uncomfortable and feeling unwanted bc this is just a state of . Confusion and instability #until ive got Answers and until hes . at a level where hes not so pissed at me hes blinded by hurt n rage :/ #and logically i should . just leave :( bc as much as i wanna be all *im so gonna do better and get better!!!!! nothing will ever happen* #i have Patterns that are a bitch to break. #trying not to be angrt and act like a xhild is Not my strong point either #my 1st instinct when im hurt is to act like a child and be childish and lash out whicb obviously gets me nowhere half the time. #and i also dont know if this arrangement we have rn . i dont know how to go abt it lime tjeres so mhch uncertainty #and i know it couls just be easily fixed if i communicated and asked questions and got boundaries in place #but im terrified to get yelled at or met with dry answers and no useful info. #im gonna give it an hour and then . see what i can do i need to mull itnover #switched my thinking from spiralling and overthinking to *what the fuck can i do abt it thats positive* #and OH BOY is that a hard thing to be constsntly aware of :( #getting better is so fucking hard i do . get why people just stay sick and mentslly ill and dont do the hard work. bc it is exhausting #i burned myself out and reached a boiling point bc i was doing it incorrectly the 1st time around apparently #i wasnt - but my efforts were NOT recognised and that felt kjke being slapped in the face tbh.