#IM NOT EVEN GONNA FUCKING ARGUE THIS BECAUSE ITS TRUE

[kenlvry]

LISTEN TO ME RN HEAT ME TF OUT STANS GANG + CRAIG DOIGN THE LIPSTICK TREND FROM TICTOK WITH READER

the lipstick trend with stan and craigs team

an, I AM LISTENLING ANON DONT WORRY. no idea what you mean by heat out though 🤨 , 17-18 and gn reader but use of her in tolkiens

kenny

he was the one who suggested it, it came across his fyp one day and he sent it to you "lets do this come over rn." "you asked, why dont you come to my house? 🤨" "why don't i cum in your mom" "HUH 😧" "im here."

you both definitely argue on what lipstick you should wear "okay but i don't even use pink lipstick" "well you should" "its light colour its not gonna appear" "well fuck 😒"

the process of kissing his face is wild, he would suggest to do his lips as the first place "KENNY HOW ARE WE GONNA DO THIS TREND IF YOU KEEP TRYING TO MAKE OUT WITH ME" "ITS NOT MY FAULT"

after like2 hours you finally get the lipstick on his face. now the tiktok was even harder he wouldn't stop laughing. you'd give up and he apologises while laughing

thank god you guys were able to finish it under 1 hour it turned out really good, at the end of the video he kissed you and you wanted to cut that part but he said keep it for like and its true the comments were all about the kiss on the last clip

kyle

okay he too wanted to ask you first but he was kinda shy and waited for you to ask and you did!! woohoo for kyle

"kyle wanna do this" "OKAY" he insists on picking your lipstick and picks the ugliest colour like what 😐

to him there was no such thing as an ugly colour buy it didn't suit your face so no way.

the process of it was calm, he at first wanted to put on the lipstick for you but you looked like a clown has mans never put on lipstick??

he watches you as you kiss him and reapply lipstick and then kiss him again, he feels like a princess fr 🤭🤭

he hasn't seen his face yet so when you record and he saw his face he laughs out loud, "LMAO WHY DO I LIKE THAT??" "WDYM"

you would tell him to take off his hat which he refuses but you looked too cute, when it posted cartman was first to comment and you can already tell what he commented "ew gay" your followers defended you two though 🤭

stan

stan blushes internally when you ask him. "sure im down" DEEP DOWN HE WANTS KIDNAP YOY AND KEEP YOU TO HIMSELF

"what lipstick do you think matches me best, pink or red?" "id say my tip colour" "WHAT 😧"

he has to hold in the very urge to puke every time you kiss him because like you look so cute omg.

he looks in the mirror and is js like "damn, i did it". HE LOVES IT SOOOO MUCH YOU CAN TELL HE'S BLUSHING ONGG ‼️

he even directs you like "do here next, okay now here" its so cute 🤭🤭

when you record and the camera pans to him, he smiles and covers his face blushing bc he can't contain it. it was such a cute video and got iver 2 mil likes. cartman definitely commented "i bet you had to change your clothes 10 times"

cartman

"cartman lets do this" "what." "wdym? cmon its cute" "y/n no offense but that is the most gayest shit i've ever seen" " NO ITS NOT UTS CUTE" "my reputation is at stake if i do that be so for real" "okay I'm asking kyle then" "lets do it."

he actually been wanting to ask you for weeks now but doesn't know how so winwin. you take your absolute time picking your lipstick and he couldn't be more done with "hurry up this doesn't even effect anything" "shut up cartman if i use the right one people will ask what lipstick it is and i get views"

picking a lipstick was already a big deal just imagine the process "ew gay not on my lips" "cartman 😐" tbh he wish he could just make out with you rn but yk how mans is

now recording is even more a hassle "JUST SMILE IS IT SO HARD TO CRACK A SMILE" "NOT WHILE IM LOOKING LIKE THIS" the most he does is wipes your lipstick off and then he just gives a 🙄 look until the end of the video

the comments are just him getting teased at clydes commenting "NAHHH CAN'T BELIEVE HE AGREED TO THIS" kyles is "i can tell that this took a long time" and then wendys is "is that cartman or a clone of him". cartman is pissed af at the comment, he told you his reputation is at stake 😒.

he actually has it saved downloaded and also is his live wallpaper sooo.

butters

butters is the one who asked you this " um y/n can we do this? 😣" while twiddling his fingers, "OKAY"

he's all giddy and smily during the process, after every kiss his blushes intensifies and by the end of it he is just.. 🔴

even though it is the most simplest video ever he has to have a tutorial, he is asking questions for everything man, how do i wipe the lipstick, what do i do, do i smile when its on me , do i laugh??

you tell him what he thinks he should he and he starts kissing you bc rn the sexual tension between you two is intense (to him atleast, he thinks thinks hand holding is already intense)

everyone comments on how cute he is and yk how tiktok is so people comment "does he whimper" "submissive who?" and hes likw WHATTTTT 🧍

clyde

when you suggested this he nodded so hard his head probably was about to fall off. "clyde you wanna do this" "DO I???" ..... "well.. do you?" "i mean yeah it's like a way of- yes i wanna do it"

he loves any lipstick you wear so he lets you pick. after every kiss he looks in the mirror and kicks his feet giggling and you just stand there 🤨

he also tries to make it a makeout session like kenny, when you kissed on his lips he holds your neck and literally makes out with like cnon we have 9 more

when you first hit record and yk how the guy has to wipe your lipstick off, nah he grabbed you by the chin and slams his lips with yours "WHY DIS YOU DO THAT??" "its called content,you wouldn't know with your 9 likes and 70 views"

well you kept the clip and everyone in the comments were talking about it "need a boyfriend like you y/n" "why can't my boyfriend be like this" clyde is obviously gloating bc he had the idea.

tolkien

most romantic man you know, is the first to ask you. "y/n can we do this?" "OKAY BOO 😝"

"hmm which lipstick do you think babe?" "i think every lipstick makes you pretty, it doesn't matter if it doesn't suit you because in my eyes you look beautiful in anything ☺️" "what if i wore kim kardashians 2013 met gala dress" "might have to rethink what i said"

he smiles while you kiss him here and there, every once a while he kisses you back, it was such a cute moment for you two😝🤞🤞

when recording he looks at you while smiling during the whole video and it blew up fast because of that

"the way he looks at her" "wishing he was like this" "you got the bag that man is inlove", it blew in seconds fr

craig

"craig lets do-" "okay" "i didnt even ask you yet" "I'll do anything if its with you" "what if i asked you to have a threesome" ".....if its makes you happy idk.."

idk about you but i think he acts like he doesn't care but inside he is so happy you asked he's been wanting to ask you this but doesn't know how to start up the convo

he doesn't care what lipstick or where you kiss him, its just the way you press your lips on him and look at it then quickly reapply to do it again because it wasn't pigmented enough.

when recorded, he doesn't just wipe he makes you turn to face him by grabbing your chin, and he doesn't let go and just looks at you with those yk siren eyes.

people are simping over him ong "damn girlie share for us" "you mean OUR boyfriend" "tryna find someone as hot as him" and you are pissed fr he laughs at you cursing out the people, like bae dw my eyes only fo you 😝🤞

tweek

"tweek, wanna do this?" "but what if I can't remove the lipstick stain" "tweek what dw i have makeup remover" "WHAT IF THAT DOESN'T WORK 🤯🤯" "TWEEK"

okay so the lipstick may turn out ugly bc of how shaky he is but ITS OKAY BC ITS TWEEK DUH, "a-are you sure you dont want to redo this?" "tweek its fine"

he insists on redoing it the 2nd try turns our worse because he's even more twitchy because of how close you are☺️☺️☺️

his face is just red because he keeps wiping it off with his hands so you can redo it and its obvious too

recording it was so funny because you can't stop laughing at the smudge lipsticks

when posted the comments were so cute but... uh questionable some were "the way the smudges are so obvious 😭😭❤️" or "wishing my future relationship will be like this 🤭" and some were just "tip colour when?? 😜"

#south park #south park x y/n #south park x you #kenny mccormick #kenny mccormick x reader #south park x reader #kyle broflovski #kyle broflovski x reader #stan marsh x reader #stan marsh #eric cartman x reader #eric cartman #butters stotch #butters stotch x reader #clyde donovan x reader #clyde donovan #craig tucker x reader #craig tucker #tolkien black #tolkien x reader #tweek tweak #tweek x reader

[st6rrrs]

TRATIOR || rafe cameron x fem reader

summary: the pogues find out yn's secret

warnings: cursing, arguing, soft rafe!!!, fluff?

a/n: idk if i should keep this into to a one shot or make a story!!!!

˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗

you and rafe were in his bed talking when you realized what time it was, 5:29pm

"Shit rafe i gotta go" you said

you jumped off of the bed and quickly put your clothes on

"where are you going?" he asked getting off the bed also

"i gotta go to the chateau to meet up with the pogues"

he groaned.

you grab your backpack and head to the door but before you could open it rafe got in front of you.

"do you have to leave" rafe whines

"yes rafe, i'll be back in a couple of hours" you say

"fine" he groans again but louder this time, he walks back to the bed laying on it getting his phone out, you roll your eyes and exit the room.

˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗

you get on your bike and start pedaling towards the cut.

you and rafe have been dating for a couple of months now but you guys haven't told anyone yet. if the pogues find out that you and rafe have been dating they would be PISSED

thats one of the reasons you dont wanna go public, rafe honestly doesn't give a shit if anyone finds out because he will still love you and you would still love him.

you arrive at the chateau and you see the pogues on the front porch, Sarah was sitting next to john b? why was Sarah here?

kie disliked Sarah for as long as you can remember. When kie and Sarah were friends Sarah threw this party without inviting kie and kie got mad and called the cops.

"you know we were all extremely comfortable until you brought her."

you hear kie say as you approach them

"stop talking about me like im not here" Sarah says

"then leave."

"umm whats happening?" you mouth to pope and jj passing kie, Sarah, and john b them to busy arguing to notice you. You walk over to sit in between jj and pope.

"john b is banging Sarah" jj says while laughing

"WHAT" you almost yell

"oh look y/n is here, why dont we ask her opinion is on this" kie says

"please don't" you whine "but if im being honest i dont think its a good idea"

Sarah's scoffs

"oh you can talk" she says looking at you

"what?" you laugh

"like you aren't fucking my brother" she says rolling her eyes and looking away

you immediately go pale.

"is that true y/n?" kie ask you in disbelief

you don't answer her

jj gets up from beside you and just looks at you in disbelief. you look over at pope his hand on his forehead and he's shaking his head disappointed.

"you cant be fucking serious!" jj yells at you "he beat up pope with a golf club and then jumped us with topper and kelce"

jj has had a crush on you ever since you guys were 14 but you didn't feel the same way. Everyone always shipped you guys together but you wouldn't force yourself to date someone you didn't like You only liked jj as a friend but he never really listened to you.

"i-i-im sorry!! but he's different with me" you try to explain to them

"hes just gonna use you like he does every other girl on this island" Sarah says

"no he-" but before you could finish your sentence pope interrupted you

"just leave y/n." he said annoyed not looking at you

"g-guys please!"

"JUST FUCKING LEAVE JEEZ!" jj yells at you, you have never seen him this angry in the whole 7 years you knew him.

tears rolled down your cheeks as you looked at him. He had no remorse for what he said he was very angry and you could understand why but none of them even gave you a chance to explain yourself. You quickly grabbed your bag pack and left without looking back.

"AND DONT BOTHER COMING BACK EITHER! HAVE FUN WITH YOUR KOOKY BOYFRIEND" jj yelled before you could leave

˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ' -

you open the front door to the camerons household, rafe gave you the key when you guys started dating. the house was so quite and cold, you walk up the stairs to rafe room still sobbing.

you open his room door and hes sleep on his bed, it was sometime pass 7 you didn't want to wake him and you were exhausted yourself so you just laid next to him and got under the covers still sobbing quietly. you couldn't believe that jj would ever say that too you, it wasn't like him

you hear rafe groan awake

"y/n is that you" he says in his sleepy voice

"yea"

"are you crying?"

"im fine go back to sleep rafe."

"no.,whats wrong come here" he gestured so you could lay on his chest

you gave in and sobbed in his chest for a while until you fell asleep.

part 2?

this might be bad but i tried 😪 👍🏻

taglist:

@bbsxsaa @xxbutdaddyilovehimxx @drewstarkeyslut @stvrkey. @blondbrat @sevenwivesofrafecameron @tracymbcm

#rafe cameron #drew starkey x reader #rafe obx #rafe cameron imagine #outer banks #jj mayback x reader #this is bad

[powerviolence-princess]

recently ive been having conversations about sex in games, and by having conversations i mean getting accused of being a puritan by 19 year olds any time i express a critical thought about a game that has depictions of sex in it. most recently i was bemoaning that the vast majority of games where sex is the primary focus exclusively feature characters that neither i nor any of my friends can see ourselves in. my primary complaint was that no characters in any of these games ever seem to be hairy or fat, and when trans women are present they are always of the Cis-Passing™ and/or conventionally attractive variety. i know the usefulness of both these phrases can be debated eternally but im just gonna hope people know what i mean when i say this.

after spending 30 minutes trying to convince younger trans women that i in fact enjoy sex and like to look at porn, i just wish i could see anything other than supermodels and hips too wide to fit through doorframes, i received the snarky suggestion that i should "look literally anywhere other than steam". in addition, it was suggested that my biggest problem is that i dont play visual novels, because that is apparently where most queer representation in video games can be found.

it may have been delivered in a snarky way but it was a good suggestion, the steam storefront is a fucking nightmare, i havent tried a new visual novel in a good long while, so why not try my luck. the specific suggestion i received was to go to itch.io, as that website is, according to this group of young trans women, dominated by queer creators.

now my very first observation was that the site is not, in fact, dominated by queer creators. it is dominated by skibidi toilet low poly analog horror games that look completely unappealing. but, in the interest of good faith, i wont wield that as a gotcha. instead i will just punch in the tags "LGBT" and "Dating Sim", so that i can experience the absolute wealth of body positive interactive erotic experiences that apparently flood this website.

well, page one is just not the strongest start. but yet again, lets be fair, ive been automatically directed to the "popular" games. lets sort by "most recent" instead, an unfiltered look at what comes through this site.

i dont mean to be difficult, but it appears im still largely getting buff furry men, skinny anime people, and CGI porn stars. let me go completely out of my way to try to give the benefit of the doubt, i am going to sort through games and only address games that are explicitly erotic and explicitly queer.

just for a second, let me be sincere and say that my goal here is not to point out and mock or shame individual queer creators on the merits of the representation present in their independently developed dating sims. nobody is perfect, no one creator or even team can ensure every single intersection of identity is represented in their art, this is about broader trends and the snarky response i get when i complain about those trends.

i threw in the 'erotic' tag, enduring and suffering more uses of the words "femboy", "lewd", and "futanari" than any person should ever be forced to, and i was able to find some explicitly queer games! the method i used was opening literally every single individual game page and reading through its description. yes this took a very long time and its all in service of proving a point that a lot of people wouldnt argue in the first place, but i still regularly have to deal with people who do argue it, so this is for them. enjoy blocking me on social media and discord after this i guess.

we are off to a great start, because this game actually has fat characters in it! its a bit too cutesy anime aesthetic for my taste, but thats personal preference, this is absolutely something that qualifies. maybe all i needed was 3 or 4 filters! of course that is not true because there were several generic hentai games ahead of and behind this one, but first row on the first page, im going to remain positive.

after this we immediately start hitting duds. femboy baristas, bodybuilder physiques, high poly hairless porn star physique CGI women, all of these games explicitly mention that they feature LGBT, queer, or gay relationships. now i know i said i wasnt aiming to mock individual games, but i cannot resist the urge to draw attention to "The Date on Elm Street", a game that features a yassified freddy krueger.

we march on. moe yuri girls who are allegedly adults, skinny college boys, you get the idea. i may have found one game with body diversity among the character designs but i still havent found anything that i feel i can see myself in. gonna have to buckle up and dig for a while i guess.

brief aside, i am judging these games based on scrolling through every available screenshot, teaser, and trailer uploaded to their page. it is entirely possible there could be characters i dont know about that are bangable within these titles, but if that is the case there is still the issue that all of the promotional material exclusively features hot skinny anime people.

for all this effort i walk away with one (1) game that could possibly qualify as being a queer, body diverse dating sim. there were a few dating sims meant for gay men that had a single fat character present, but when theyre lost amongst all the flawless twinks and bodybuilders i hesitate to afford credit.

however. i am leaving out a game i was directly recommended. Hardcoded.

that is not promising. its the only character depicted in screenshots aside from a one eyed cat and this person

but i have to assume that these are not the only characters in this game, so i am actually going to download and play it, seeing as it was recommended to me in relation to the topic of lack of diversity in sex focused games.

total aside here, this feature left me guessing. is the sex in this game rpg style random encounters? i have to assume that if youre not interested in men, you could simply avoid trying to fuck any of the male characters. maybe after playing for a bit this checkbox will make more sense.

im starting to suspect that most people consider the presence of a single fat person to be Body Positive. REITERATING, i am not trying to give this developer in particular a hard time and i am absolutely not encouraging anyone else to, this game is cute so far, im glad there is a game like this starring a trans character, we're just sticking to my original complaint.

im gonna save bandwidth (and my blog from the fate of a mosaic avatar) by not posting any further screenshots, there is a character with wide hips, the character with the prosthetic arm, and the hyper tits sex droid as far as any deviation from conventionally attractive skinny people goes. im just now realizing this post is formatted like a somethingawful lets play, humiliating. anyway the conclusion i came to is that when i complain about the lack of fat hairy dykes and trans people who are Visibly Trans™ in erotic video games i am indeed completely justified because even queer produced erotic video games do not seem to have these things. im right, everyone else is wrong, goodnight.

#long post #like a long ass post

[katiapostsss]

jealousy at its finest is taylor haters 😭😭

"she's a billionaire though" what they meant to say is "im angry that she made it big and i have no money and am unemployed because i'm too lazy to work for my money like so many others do and like she did herself."

"she's only a feminist when it's convenient to her/billionaires cant be feminists" so supporting women's charity, donating to sa survivors, making songs about the patriarchy, and speaking out about women's oppression isn't feminism? if anything, being a feminist in this day and age is an inconvenience. it just means more hate. and if you're gonna say billionaires can't be feminists, at least back up that claim with evidence. oh wait! you don't have any.

"she dated a minor" 17 and 19. 2 years off. if the man was the 19-year-old and she was the 17-year-old, no one would give a shit, and her relationship with john mayor is perfect proof of that.

"her carbon emissions" they're not the best, but they're also not the worst. what about kim k? what about travis scott? why don't we talk about them? oh, because you just want to find any way to hate on her? that makes sense. not only that, but no one gives two flying fucks about the economy until tay's involved. if the 8 billion people on this earth actually cared about its well being, do you think the world would be this deep in shit to start?

"only 100k to the survivors? that's like me donating 10 dollars" AT LEAST SHE DONATED AT ALL??? it might be 10 dollars to her, but its still ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS to the people she donated it to. be so fr. would kanye west give even a penny to that family? a dime? no. he wouldn't.

"she's mediocre." AOTY four times. person of the year. 13 grammys. number 1 artist in all of the world. billionaire. do you think she'd even have ONE grammy to begin with if she was "mediocre"? im sorry, that woman won AOTY at 18, and her records sold for fearless have never been beaten. that was SIXTEEN years ago. SIXTEEN. not only that but she's compared to SHAKESPEARE HIMSELF.

"she isnt a good vocalist. beyonce is better." who in their right fucking mind said she was better than beyonce in the first place. i'll wait. anyone can admit that shit because it's true. but if beyonce were a better lyricist and singer OVERALL, she'd be, 1, more known, 2, worth more financially, 3, her songs would be WAY more famous, and 4, more fans. it is so rare that i see a diehard beyonce fan. sorry. it's also the literal way they're friends and have no bad blood (yknow it used to be mad love) and you guys just want to pit them against each other for absolutely no reason other than to argue.

time to get a reality check and stop hating on women who have no reason to be hated on 😘😘

#speak now taylor’s version #taylorstans #taylor stans #taylor swift debut #taylor swift #the eras tour #the eras taylor swift #speak now #folklore #evermore #fearless #midnights #red taylor’s version #i love you taylor #taylors version

[erasawordsmithofsorts]

this is a really long post and you dont have to read it, its more of a word vomit towards the end but its really detailing my experiences with 5sos c: (its kind of sad but it means a lot to me that i finally put this into words)

i love 5sos. like a lot more than i could put into words. i have such a long and extensive history with this band that its just so much, like.

ive been a fan of 5sos since july 15th, 2014. i was 5/6 years old sitting on the front porch of my grandma's house with this girl i was friends with. she showed me some of their songs and i was in love. i didnt stop listening to them for years, they were my everything. idols, best friends, family, everything. and the only reason i stopped listening to them ever is because of some really heavy traumatic events that happened to me when i was 8-10 years old.

fast forward a few years, i start dating this guy. this guy really liked 5sos, he got me back into 5sos. my brain was so traumatized, it blocked out most of my memories with this band, with the fans of this band, etc. and him getting me to listen to their entire discography? yeah that brought them flooding back.

yet i still stayed, with him and the band again. this guy became really toxic. we argued every night, he blatantly ignored my needs, he got mad at me for getting more 5sos streams than him, he made fun of me for only listening to their old stuff. he acted like i hadnt told him, "hey, some really fucked up things happened to me in 2014-2016 and i forgot pretty much everything from those years so i kind of obsess over them"

but me and this guy were ldr, my mom took my phone, i texted him through a friends' phone. he starts cheating on me. i come back, my mom is having heart surgery, and he tells me i have to break up with him. so i do.

i break up with him, i go through the shit, i get pissed off, i get upset, i cry. i cry a LOT. and for a bit i didnt listen to 5sos. and then i get back into 5sos, because im not gonna change who i am at my very core because some idiot guy who was 'there first' made it about him. i'll make it about me again, i will obsess over it, i will go back to being six years old crying on the front porch with my best friend. i will go back to being a kid who didnt know why people didnt like her.

and i did. im back there, im who six year old me dreamed of being. sure, i have my days where the only thing i can do is cry and try not to hurl myself down a flight of stairs, but im still here arent i? ive made it to the age i always dreamed about being, havent i? im still absolutely in love with the same exact bands, the same exact places, the same exact aesthetics.

5sos is why im me, like that is such a beautiful and poetic thing to me. im still here because of a band, im still here because some guys that at the time were across the world gave me some motivation to keep going? of course im gonna love them. of course im gonna advertise the shit out of them. of course im gonna know every detail i possibly can about them.

like, i mean yeah, i took a little break. but i was forced to by my own brain. and even then, what helped me start healing form that trauma? 5sos. what helped me start healing from that breakup? 5sos.

tw for s/h + suicidal stuff under the cut! its nothing bad bad, just mentions attempts and stuff but its talking about getting better :3 tl;dr in bottom of the cut!

its so weird to say that "this guy who doesnt even know i exist, saved my life" but its true sometimes. like i was in such a bad place when i was younger that i couldnt function. yearly, i was being checked into psych wards. they never helped. i tried therapy, i tried medication. nothing worked.

and then 5sos came back into my life and i finally felt whole again. i finally felt like i was me again. i had been self harming since i was in the third grade, and once you cope like that for so long, its really hard to stop.

but i finally made the decision to get clean, i finally said "enough is enough, i dont want to be like this anymore. i wanna live and be healthy, i wanna live and be happy, i wanna wear shorts, i wanna wear skirts, i wanna wear short sleeves and tanks, i want to wear dresses without sleeves that show my thighs a little. and would ashton or luke or michael or calum really want me to do this to myself? no, no they wouldnt, get your shit together era." and so i did? i got it together, i made my life work. i started looking for the good again, i started behaving like a little kid that knew no bounds again, i started acting my age. i started loving me again. and thats powerful? thats metal as fuck.

the app that i use to track my clean streak has a section for "reasons to stay clean" i have pictures of my friends, my animals, and most importantly, the guys that finally inspired me to pick myself up off the floor and put myself back together.

because i did, i really had to scrounge up the broken pieces. i really had to dig deep and try and piece them back together. and it took work, and im still working on it. and even though ive been clean from s/h for three months, the urges are still there and every time theres just that little voice in my head that takes on ashton's that goes "hey dont, its not the right way." and every time i feel like the world is over, like i dont have anything else, it's always just a reminder.

there will be something else, no matter what theres gonna be something else. no matter what, the suns gonna rise again. no matter what, something good will come of all your pain, all your struggles, all your heartbreak, all the tears. the sleepless nights, the trauma, the guilt, the anger, the fear, the sadness, all of it. it means youre human, it means youre alive. it means good things are gonna happen, you just gotta wait for it. you gotta pick yourself up and keep going. keep fighting, keep running, keep walking. hell if you have to, keep crawling. keep crawling while youre crying. dont look back, youre not going that way. think of how far your faves have come, think of how your younger self wants to know what theyre gonna grow up to be. think.

its not over, it will never be over. pain is human, youre human. youre experiencing life as it was meant to be experienced, its okay to have off days.

tl;dr 5sos + me have been together since i was six and ashton irwin has quite literally kept me alive and from destroying myself mentally and physically for nearly ten years. cool beans bro

#5sos #5 seconds of summer #5sosfam #luke 5sos #ashton 5sos #calum 5sos #michael 5sos #luke hemmings #ashton irwin #calum hood #michael clifford #word vomit #stream of consciousness #late night thoughts #era talks about 5sos saving her life for the second time #era's blog #era posting #-era

[suffarustuffaru]

hey so not too long ago, i saw a post from rz twitter that said that during the first loop where subaru meets otto, when subaru met the witch cultists and were chanting something to subaru before they left, that these cultists left because some outsider (who's therefore an enemy to their witch and its prophecy) was nearby. And the tweet said how that "nearby outsider" was actually otto who stayed behind because he was worried that subaru, (whom he met only as a customer in that loop and otto had already fulfilled his job) would succumb to danger. And despite frufoo's warnings, it's heavily implied that otto had in fact died in that loop waiting for subaru to come back. And the replies were saying that it's common knowledge?

First of all, is that true? I can see how one would come to the conclusion that the cultists left because otto, an outsider, was nearby. But i haven't seen proof of the implication that otto died from that loop. Secondly, with this perhaps being true, does that confirm that any loop in which otto was nearby and subaru is in danger, that otto risked his life for him? Some ppl say "but the whale incident!" But like you said way earlier, otto came back to him after pushing him off, and it's implied that he died trying to save subaru. There's no loop i can recall otto leaving him to the dust, even when he doesn't know who subaru is. And thirdly, Otto get some self-preservation skills, you barely knew the guy and already risk your life for him. What the fuck.

HAH anon your ask intrigued me so much i immediately went to the anime to try and confirm this. and bc the anime is the closest bit of info i got wjdndn i dont have arc 3 ln or access to arc 3 wn (i do not understand japanese either, sadly) but!! while the anime doesnt explicitly confirm otto died in that first loop his character debuted in, i think its definitely a possibility that he died to the witch cult there. (if anyone knows the lore on this for sure though feel free to add?? yeah)

also regarding about whether this is common knowledge or not—id argue its kind of not, at least in certain circles, bc im gonna be completely real i had to double check the anime to see how well i remembered it bc its 1. been a while since i’ve watched season 1 in full and 2. when i was looking at it on my first watch i was focused more so on what the hell was happening to subaru, rem, emilia camp rather than otto, who at the time seems like just some random guy who wont appear ever again. but also maybe im a little too used to people misinterpreting rezero over on reddit ajfbdnd bc some people STILL completely forget that otto went back after pushing subaru off the wagon. and some people still forget ottos died for subaru even though its super obvious in arc 4?? so i dont think ottos involvement with subaru across loops is really common knowledge? or at the very least its not common for Certain portions of the rezero fandom bc i see ottos whole fixation on subaru gets glossed over at times. but i do genuinely think moments like the first loop with otto are probably easy to sort of miss if youre not paying attention. but also again i might be a little bit brainwashed by rezero redditors misreading things bc the amount of people that forget otto went back for subaru in the white whale loop made me doubt my own memory of that scene to the point where i rewatched it in the anime just to be sure wkdndnd. i dont really see any english rezero people talk about this loop in particular too unless theyre referring to you know, rem arlam and emilia camp dying. but anyway moving on for now…

alright!! lets go over this scene i suppose. the anime doesnt go into like. Specifics, like how the tweets you mention do anon, but it does have some interesting stuff.

in the anime, the first loop with otto happens in episode 14 to about the beginning of 15, but the focus is of course more so on subaru, rem, arlam, etc, bc rem left for the mansion and subarus trying to get there quickly so he pays otto to do that. otto takes the time to warn him before they even set off, not only for his own sake but also for subarus:

but you know, bc ottos desperate for money bc hes in debt, he takes up the job. but once otto and subaru actually get to the road leading up to arlam and the mansion, otto stops bc frufoo’s frightened and shes warning them of danger—

but subaru being subaru jumps off anyway and leaves. he says this quickly before he goes:

otto replies by trying to call out to him desperately as he runs away:

your point about ottos self preservation is super interesting anon because otto DOES have self preservation skills. he almost kind of prides himself on it, sometimes—as a merchant, especially from a merchant family, hes been raised to treasure it. to go for things that work in his favor. especially with his bad luck fucking him over too. and he can be slightly morally ambiguous at times, so he is Very aware of self preservation and staying out of trouble. but at the same time, leaving behind innocents does kind of weigh on him bc. well hes still human. that and the further into rezero you get, the more clear it is that ottos self preservation skills just get thrown out the window the moment he sees subaru. like otto takes a significant amount of time on screen to complain about danger or trouble hes found himself in, or go on and on about how the moment he sees danger, hes just gonna turn around and run—but its just COMPLETE AND TOTAL BULLSHIT SOMETIMES. he has plenty of chances Every Time to turn around and run and the moment subaru enters the picture, he doesnt take it. the only exception to this was him leaving subaru in greed if, but thats because he saw that subaru didnt give a shit about him and even then. he made that choice FOR subaru’s sake too, bc he recognizes that greed if subaru is just gonna micromanage everything and deal with it on his own. otto knows he’d just be another burden to subaru, so he leaves to lessen the load.

main route otto though? yeah youre absolutely right his self preservation is way beyond dead at this point. his self preservation is absolutely gone when it comes to subaru. this first loop is an example of it—while of course ottos you know treating subaru like a stranger bc thats what they are, he goes out of his way to warn subaru repeatedly. at first it looks like its mostly just for his own benefit bc hes Also in danger here, but then he says that he cant just accept taking subarus money and items. he talked about how hed accept subarus payment just a few minutes before this?? and we know in retrospect that he desperately NEEDS money bc hes in debt??? and subarus giving him an out right now to just leave and not look back but he still hesitates and frantically tries calling after subaru??? he has EVERYTHING to gain from just taking the money and subarus things and just leaving, but we dont actually see him leave on screen.

and then right after this, we cut to subaru running to arlam. of course, the witch cult stops him, and in the anime, all they do is circle him, then bow (to foreshadow how the witch cult + petelgeuse think that hes one of them, im assuming), and then they disappear without saying a single word.

its interesting to note though that when they leave, they run towards the direction subaru just came from. which is where otto was.

and then subaru keeps continuing on to arlam and the mansion where he finds out that the witch cult Basically wiped everyone out there. episode 15 continues this loop and then quickly ends it bc subaru is having a mental breakdown finding everyones corpses and then he promptly proceeds to die to puck (iirc?) inside the mansion. and thats all the details the anime gives about the ending of this loop. so no clear hint like the white whale loop that otto Died from this, but i think the implication is definitely there if you choose to read into it. (again, im not sure if the ln adds more details to this or not, but iirc the anime doesnt touch on this much.)

its strange that the witch cultists that find subaru just. up and leave in the direction where we Know otto likely is, bc 1. the cultists move Fast and 2. only a couple minutes passed at most, so its likely that otto is Still There, even if he did start trying to leave. even then though, i think its in character for him to still be there and try to wait for subaru. or, at the very least, otto waited there debating with himself on whether he should just leave or not. waiting there satisfies both his self preservation and the guilt he’d feel if he just abandoned subaru—he doesnt go any further to minimize the danger to himself and frufoo, but he doesnt completely leave just in case subaru comes back or if otto decides to move forward and check on subaru or something. but then we see subaru find everyone at arlam and the mansion dead, and we the audience know the surviving witch cultists left in the opposite direction (where otto is) after killing everyone at arlam, so—i think theres a connection there. as in: yeah. if otto was still there, hes probably dead.

additionally, of course later in arc 3 we see that otto gets captured by the witch cult. this time he was captured bc the witch cult caught him hurrying to get to another location for its job offer, so the witch cult captured him to interrogate him on what exactly he was doing iirc?? so in that sense yeah he was caught by the witch cult for being an outsider getting into witch cult territory while they were in the middle of doing shit (and he likely wouldve been killed if ricardo and the others hadnt rescued him) o.O

but yeah thats all the animes got regarding the first loop (aka ottos official debut into the main story as well)!!!

“There's no loop i can recall otto leaving him to the dust, even when he doesn't know who subaru is." also anon youre so right for saying this bc. yeah i cant recall any loops either bc every time otto is there near subaru. hes risking his life for subaru. hes so incredibly ride or die that its concerning. it kind of boggles my mind that some people overfixate on how he pushed subaru out of the wagon in the white whale loop and YEAH that was fucked up, but not only does he feel bad and die trying to go back for subaru later, but when you watch that scene in the anime and think about it from ottos perspective. yeah some guy you just fucking met is yelling at you about how you apparently forgot about some person youve never heard of in your life, hes yelling at you to go back and TOWARDS THE WHITE WHALE when all youre trying to do is save both of your asses, he starts trying to wrestle with you while youre both being hunted down by the whale, and then he starts rambling to himself about how maybe its his fault the white whale is chasing after both of you while you keep hearing the white whales deranged thoughts in your head the whole time bc of your dp??? its a miracle otto didnt push subaru out of that damn wagon sooner and its a miracle otto even decided to go back for subaru after all that T^TT any person in ottos shoes would be RUSHING to push subaru out of that wagon.

but like. once you think about it - yeah Every Time in the main route that ottos been near subaru and theyve gotten into danger? otto actively puts himself at risk for subarus sake. and he doesnt always die or get hurt for it, but we know that he ALWAYS goes out of his way to help subaru. hes been like this since his debut in arc 3, practically, regardless of whether or not he actually died there. bc he still Lingered around and tried to warn subaru not to leave.

so what im saying is that so much of ottos screentime is spent helping subaru in some way.

#rezero #ask #otto suwen #natsuki subaru #ngl if otto was a girl literally no one in this fandom would be ignoring how fixated and concerningly ride or die he gets about subaru o.o

[imjustheretodomyjob]

bkdk is the most unrealistic relationship and here's why:

bakugou has shown no romantic or sexual connection with anyone except kirishima. he literally hates deku with a passion, but deep down we all know he cares deeply for midoriya and thinks of him as a brother. a BROTHER, nothing more. most animes don't support incest bc it's creepy as hell and should be illegal (and in some places it rightly is so).

and sure, you could argue they're not biologically related, which would be the truth. HOWEVER, they view each other as brothers, they have a kind of sibling rivalry that is beautiful because it shows that even though katsuki is a "tough guy" he really does care and respect most of his peers. he views izuku as a proper enemy, a rival, someone to defeat. they're each other's motivation.

they started out as best friends and that's how I think they should end. it would be perfect for things to come to a close and them to end up as friends. i don't think anyone is a queercoded character in bnha, because it's not a romance anime. its an action/adventure anime, possibly a coming of age one too.

i already know what's gonna be in the comments and that this post won't receive a lot of kudos. people will say im homophobic and ask "did we watch the same show?" yes we fucking did, but you're delusional and reaching so far to make this stupid ship believable.

i do think the ship is interesting, though not possible and not believable either. which is why i have written a one shot of it, just to try to get into my characters heads and figure out if there could be a true connection between them in the actual anime/Manga.

there is none. grow up and deal with it. the only ship that will be Canon is izuocha, but no one cares about it anymore because it's heterosexual which is apparently something "basic" and "cliche."

bakudeku is basic. bakudeku is a cliche. it's the stereotypical crybaby who has a crush on a jerk who bullies him.

at the end of the day, 80% of relationships in fantasy or fiction is a basic cliche mess. deal with it. shipping was just invented to make these cliche ordeals a bit more appealing.

shipping is for fun. bakudeku was a pairing created for simple, harmless fun. but i think it's really degrading to horikoshi, who laid out this whole, complicated situation between two (hetero) males that explores inferiority and superiority complexes and other things like that.

all in all, i think bkdk is a fun and interesting ship that's practically harmless... but unrealistic, stupid, poorly made, and not Canon at all.

#bakudeku #mha #anime and manga #bnha bakugo katsuki #bnha #analysis #anti bkdk #thanks horikoshi

[comradeboyhalo]

THERE'S NO DRAMA WITHOUT CONFLICT. How do they expect storylines to happen?? 😭

just for context anon, those posts werent arguing anything like that! it was just about missing the unconditional trust the islanders had for each other, and i was just joking that bbh never had that trust. so we're all good!

BUT im just gonna talk about your point as if its unrelated, because a lot of people in this qsmp fandom do hate conflict and its getting exhausting 💀 i get extra irritated at viewers getting mad at certain characters keeping secrets when its completely justified. baghera doesnt need to tell the world about her backstory, thats HER backstory! and honestly i dont even think cellbit and bad NEED to share every piece of lore they find with every member. yeah, itd be great if people were up to date with everything, but if they dont have the time to update 50 different people because they want to fucking build or do literally anything else than THATS FINE! THEYRE TRYING THEIR BEST ALREADY. characters are allowed to have their secrets and any conflict that stems from that is cool and interesting and viewers need to shut up about it!

also bc im a bbh blog: bad creates a LOT of conflict in the story and, yeah, hate him for that as a character, but i think people fail to realize just how much content he creates by being who he is: a miscommunicative liar, who simultaneously is one of the best secret-keepers on the server. it would be so boring if q!bad was just this perfect father-figure who always had the right advice to give and could therapy his way out of everything and was just so kind and loving to anyone. there are so many tweets that rip into q!bad for what he does to their cubito and im like....yes...now try to understand....you see how you're getting characterization from this....its valid to hate q!bad for this but please tell me you realize narratively what you get out of this...

anyways. let characters be messy. let them be wrong (@ qjaiden enjoyers...she is complicit to the federation regardless of her true alignment and that is COOL AND INTERESTING). conflict for the sake of conflict is never good but the qsmp has ALWAYS stayed balanced in its heavy and light aspects, so have some faith please and let the ccs beef with each other for fun <3.

#ask

[walnutcookie]

i love morally gray langue de chat okay hear me out. (ramble incoming)

ive been talking about how contradictory this event was FOREVER and like at first i was just like Man this is bad writing but now im . I still think the same thing i doubt they were trying to make langue this way but i think they should be a little fucked up as a treat

remember how they used some of rogueforts earlier crimes to prove they hadnt stolen the statue?

but then they said this?

i dont know Perhaps im just an idiot and my only knowledge of law is ace attorney but that doesnt add up to me. How were they going to prove roguefort innocent of every crime they were being charged for when they presented some of their crimes as evidence??? also how was that morally correct, arguing someone you know is a criminal is innocent? and like. This wasnt them just them saying theyd lower rogueforts sentence. if they were to prove roguefort innocent of a SINGLE crime (the statue) how would that do anything to their 200 million year sentence??? theyd still be in jail for the rest of their life lol. it didnt really matter in the end because roguefort just up and dipped but that doesnt change how odd it all was

so no. langue de chat didnt just want to defend roguefort for the statue incident - they were planning on defending everything.

and as i mentioned before, they already used some of rogueforts crimes AS EVIDENCE. theyd probably have to do a bit of silly word tricks (lying) to make that seem possible !!!

mwa i love you langue de chat please keep defending criminals and lying in court i love you.

this one scene where they say theyre not gonna resort to bribes and say theyre gonna be righteous and shit kind of Fucks everything up but. yknow. i like to imagine they just want to rely on their argument skills - they dont want to bribe people, thats cheating. Lying though? Thats a skill. thats impressive. anyone can bribe, but only a skilled lawyer would be able to lie in court and get away with it . a very not-so-righteous lawyer.

in my brain they simply take cases that would make them the most popular. Like

and then devsister fucks up my headcanon again. Sigh . i guess they just draw the line somewhere idk. Look again they were trying to say that rogue was completely innocent so they DO defend criminals

This is the only line even HINTING at them actually caring about if their clients are truly innocent or not though. all they talk about is wanting to be Popular and wanting to be The Best (which would come with being popular). they want to be famous thats their whole motive i love you you little motherfucker im gonna shove them down an elevator shaft (affectionate). By contrast there are so many lines from cappuccino talking about justice (though to be fair his morals are also clearly a little fucked. that sentence she gave roguefort????)

i also like how this hc contrasts with cappuccino,,, cappu will put Anyone in jail (probably. we've only ever seen her with roguefort) meanwhile langue will keep anyone out of jail if they think itll boost their reputation

of course none of this is canon, i doubt devsisters intentionally wrote them like this (esp since theyre supposed to be righteous) and also this could all be explained with The cookie run legal system is Super Duper Fucked Up. which is still true because of the ridiculous sentence cappu gave and how he was just allowed to add to it for something that wasnt even morally wrong let alone illegal of roguefort but . i just think its neat. morally gray langue is real To Me

#langue de chat cookie #cookie run #crob #🎉 rambles

[geronimomo-spd]

8th doctor, emotions and masking

ok finished Creed of the Kromon and i found this one bit fasinating (please do not take this as a pass to listen to t his story it is not worth it and my point can be made even stronger with other episodes)

this doctor fucking fasinates and makes me angry and confused at the same time like it all started with a line after the triel, like Charley is being sent away to beecome a fucking slug monster ok and he is like "don't worry charley! im gonna solve this soon :) like, the 8th doctor doesn't get angry, unless its about his presonal feelings or very little in every story and its very easy for him to go back to happy again!

like it was very apperent in his story with the Daleks a few stories ago, he laughed at them!! he got angry they are runing time, but we never get a "im gonna stop you, im coming for you, i will do this!" moments from him, like, almost nothing!! that's why it was so unsetelling in Scherzo!! because he doesn't do this! and i thought that now post Scherzo, we will see this kind of behavor more but nothing!! this doctor feels so much younger then every incarnation its wild

like it came to a point that right after they are taking her away you can hear a voice going "don't you dare touch her!!" and the transcript says that the doctor says this, but that's just it!! no its not!!! that is not Paul's voice and its Crizz!! im sure it is!! so it was pure wishful thinking and a very clear case that any other doctor would have said this in this cenerio, he just doesn't its not how he does things and that's fasinating

i feel like an arciologist finding ancient findings of an ancient culture its all very interesting to me also, this is coming from me finishing Natrual History, (as much as you can argue about the editor being a true version of the doctor done a 180, which i sort of do), i also now accept that this doctor will have a lot of dark and scary moments!! when he is not happy and excited, e seems to marvel at the bad guys, but he still won't get angry like this often!!

he obviolsy cares he just shows it differently then any other doctor i have incantured, idk maybe i need to expiriance more of others doctors

now that i finished that scene i am here to say this, ok as i continue a little he got angry after Charley wasn't in the room!! why are you hiding your anger my love what are you hiding you little shit

it feels like masking to me! or at least the kind performance that is so indep with who he is that its hard to see who is he and who is the performance, it checks out to me couse of the way he only showed his true anger after Charley was out of the room! a kind of anger that i was waiting to see for most of his stories! trying to be more appealing while having emotions he just think are not suited to who he wants to show!

also i think there is a lot to say because Scherzo is such an episode for the doctor actualy screaming and showing his real self and then Creed is "ok nothing good came out of that thing… ill just try to… come back to the real me! (ie what he concives is the real him right now, ie his romantic always happy and excited agenda) but not quite being there because now he really is starting to feel the rift between himself and his masking that he also conciders himself

anyway to put a cap on it, 8 is caculated, but its more fighting in how to show genuine emotions, its caculated and shit, but it always feels still very real at the same time, i relate to the way he shows his emotions like that a lot, caculated but very real at the same time.

the emotions are real but he is constantly caculating how to show them and that is so relatable and fasinating to see in a doctor

#doctor who #dw #8th doctor #eighth doctor #eight doctor #paul mcgann #8th doctor big finish stuff #big finish #paul your doctor is so babygil until he very much isn't #fave #8th doctor listenalong #thoughts and stuff i guess

[yuhi-san]

inu yasha recently came up and i was reminded of something i thought of before. inu yasha and how he is constantly surrounded by conflict.

Its kinda his thing. he is hotheaded, barsh, prickly and has very little tact or filter amongst other things. he argues with most people and engages in conflict with almost everyone he ever talks to, be it serious or petty. part of it is just his personality, part of it certainly is a byproduct of how he had to live so far.

either way, getting into fights is kinda inu yashas thing and he definitely starts it a lot, if not most the time.

When the group encounters kinka and ginka, inu yasha is the one to note that brothers fighting is stupid and Miroku quickly points out that generally inu yasha is an expert in getting into fights with a sibling. inu yasha quickly insists that it is not his fault at all and there is a joke about how all fighting siblings say that. which is true and also inu yasha often has a ´they started it´ attitude.

The funny thing is that for all inu yasha picking fights all the time, that is actually true.

he never instigates a fight with sesshomaru, at all. really, all he wants is for his brother to leave him the hell alone and fuck off.

inu yasha isn't even looking for a connection, for sympathy or approval. he has not even a desire to prove sesshomaru wrong about himself or anything. he's not looking to build any kind of relationship.

yet still inu yasha does not actually have a lot of hostility for his brother. like yeah he has nothing good about him to say and he doesn't like him and he is angry and bristling whenever they interact (which is fair considering sesshomaru constantly antagonizes him and straight up wants to murder him usually).

but one thing that always very much stuck with me was inu yasha discovering the wind scar and nearly killing sesshomaru. totosai mentions to kagome that inu yasha did not strike with the intention to kill because if he had totosai would have broken tessaiga.

so even then, inu yasha doesn't want to kill his brother, even in the very rare times he has a chance.

later there are more moments. like one time when they fight naraku and Inu yasha does not attack due to the chance of what would happen to sesshomaru (which of course he considers an insult lol).

inu yasha learns about rin but he never really comments on that. like it would be the prime moment for nasty comments, to return some of the scorn sesshomaru has directed towards him, drag the hypocrisies to light. he never does.

inu yasha even starts to extend olive branches, in his crude manner. he agrees that the whole tessaiga set up was a pretty shitty and unfair move from their father, especially after the meidou thing comes up. he does not actually want to take the meidou from sesshomaru.

its been a while but im sure he was even like, ´take it/keep it. not gonna argue that this is yours.´

like not sure what my point is besides inu yasha picks all the fights, all the time, but never the ones with sesshomaru

#inuyasha #sesshomaru

[tears-of-boredom]

ok finished life is strange true colors. probably gonna be spoilers in this. so, i dont know if its because i was expecting to not like the ending, but i didnt like it. ended up really angry at the ending. tbh the whole vibe of the story was weird. my vibes didnt match its vibes. reminds me a lot of tell me why in a sense. with the siblings being reunited after both were separated when young and so the foster care system fucked them up even worse. and they can only begin to heal once they get out of it. and they investigate a family member's death. and the character models never seem to actually be touching anything around them. kind of like trying to get your barbie to hold something that didnt have that small finger ring. but the difference is that i like tell me why. maybe its just because the emotions matched mine more. idk. i wish we got to meet izzy. oh and yeah im not gonna even do the bisexual thing.

idk just left me angry and feeling shitty. but ig something happened outside of the game at the same time so that might contribute to my mood too. but man. i didnt even get to cry. and no one even went after someone in a fit of unbridled rage.... i mean,, of their own choosing you know? i wanted alex to walk into the black horse and just charge jed with a knife. and it is so fucking annoying because everytime i saw jed, i was thinking about how happy i am that for once the old man who the community trusts didnt do some horrible shit. like oh my god, i wasnt even fucking surprised when he pulled the gun, i was just so disappointed. i fucking hate that trope. so much. let old people be fucking good people for once, who arent trying to hide their past at all costs. like oh my god, let a main character actually get a father figure into their lives without them being a liar and a coward. and sorry but why the fuck did the game even give you an option on whether or not to forgive him?? like, yeah i could've fucking forgave him for being a bit too proud and making a horrible mistake because of that, but who the fuck fucking is forgiving him for all the shit he did to keep the secret. he didnt intentionally kill those miners, but by creating this lie about being a hero, and putting everything on keeping it up, he killed someone. and to be honest, i would not be surprised if there were more. and why the fuck did they make alex see herself in him? whatever her "gift" canonically is, she did not choose it. the monster she is ashamed of was something she did not choose. but jed made a decision. he hates himself because of a choice he made. neither of those things are less real or,, anything. they are just different. pretty fundamentally. hating yourself for something you cant change, and hating yourself over something you can change. oh my god i hated the ending. and hated how unlike me alex was. despite there being so many similarities between us. that flashback about the guitar, when shes imagining gabe and her at the orphanage. it hit me quite hard. i wonder how many kids have thought that. because i sure have. i wasnt even there for that long. but everynight, when i wasn't allowed to do anything but lay in my bed,, i think i thought "they cannot be so stupid to do this to me with sincere intentions." but,, i wasnt stupid myself. i knew that they were genuinely trying to help with all the restrictions. so eventually i concluded that they're stupid as fuck and know nothing. but they think they know better. the worst fucking combination ever. impossible to argue against people like that. usually they are like cops too. if you make them question the rules, they just fall back on "well thats still how it is (and there's no changing that)". adults love to obey authority and not question anything. and i would understand that if it was just a choice for an individual, but they affect a lot of other people by being like this. young people. but thats just how it is right. adults fuck up kids because they dont want to challenge anything, and then those kids grow up to be afraid of challenges too.

im really tired. i cant really tell if im even making sense. im gonna shut of my pc now.

#venting

[stark-som-fan]

argued with a friend yesterday, or more like I finally snapped under the pressure yesterday

he describes himself as an intense friend and that's like, true, but all the little things have just kept adding and adding until I finally just snapped. I felt like I was 100% responsible for him and his happiness and my time was to belong to him in a possessive kind of way, I just couldn't take ir anymore. I love him because of course I do, he's basically my best friend but I feel so overwhelmed and when I express any of it I'm not taken seriously so I just don't. It finally broke me yesterday when I was having a shitty fucking time, and I realised I could have and was having a good time up until he interrupted and made me feel like shit for not spending all of my time and energy on giving him attention and I just couldn't take it anymore and snapped

What I want to do or what I feel like doing was never a concern for him, and I hope he finally realized that im a person who has her own wants and needs and not everything revolves around him. Even when I was venting all of this out just spewing it on the table while literally shaking he said I had to tell him what to do to fix it, because somehow despite me telling him I don't want to be completely responsible for him and his ability to have a good time it was still my responsibility to fix it, despite it being his behaviour

And I can't even fully blame him for that because I know he probably doesn't know better but there's so much pressure on me from his side already, so how the fuck is the solution to put more pressure on me by making me be the one to fix it?

And now of course I made myself look like the bad guy, im the crazy person for not wanting to be the friend who is required to devote my free time to please someone else, im the bitch who made him upset because the pressure he put me under finally broke me. And he hasn't messaged me/called me since last night when we normally talk all through the day. It's honestly been kind of a relief but now I feel like if I don't message him he's not gonna message me, once again putting that pressure back on and I just can't take it anymore. Either he messages or its over, I guess.

#negative