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al1cemadn3ss · 10 months

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No matter what i do someone will always see me as an addict

When the see my arms they will see my bad habits

The scars i have go up and down and side to side

The track marks are fading but the scars are hard to hide

People look at my body and see that ive lived

I've been through hell and back but i still try to give

All i want is to make them all proud

My addictions were digging me into the ground

Am i able to control this monster forever?

Its the hardest thing I've had to endeavor

Every day i keep trying to believe in myself

I never imagined i'd destroy my own health

~kh

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shmingleping · 8 months

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My arms are now so beyond the 'normal' level of fucked up I've sadly become accustomed to. Abscess on right arm currently, two are starting on the left after the whole desperately-need-new-needles-cant-get-new-needles debacle.

I'm mad at myself for everything I did, or I guess didn't do, that led up to this situation. I should have taken it slow last night/today or at least taken some breaks. The problem with that is usually once I find a spot that works, it ends up not working the more time there is between shots. That is one of the reasons I end up doing what most people tell me not to do; shot after shot after shot. I just got so frustrated with it, and it's not like I have a plethora of good veins to tap into. Plus the syringes I got last night totally confused my mind on how to know for sure if I registered or not, and also if even like a drip of blood got in at the tip and didn't move for .5 seconds the whole thing would clog/back up/ and then because it was the kind with the detachable needle the whole thing would blow up under the pressure so blood & drugs went flying.

Even though i thought this weekend would turn out ok since i reupped and had a smidgen of motivation to do some of the things i desperately need to get around to, it has turned into pure shite for me. Typical.

#personal #thoughts #iv drug user #tw iv drug use #hate today #hate yesterday #hate myself forever #sick of myself #i dont want to participate for a while #id like a prescription for a coma please #cried for 4+ hours today #and when i say cried i really mean sobbed #like the kind where you cant catch your breath #and no matter what you do you cant stop #i dont want to be whoever this me person is anymore #i hate her and she sucks

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fleshworld-bodyprison · 6 months

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I watched Talk To Me recently (fucking FINALLY) and where I do see a lot of talk about it being allegory for drug use and addiction, I don't see anything about how the film also demonstrates that the people in Mia's life that were supposed to support her failed her during a time where she actively needed that support the most. Yes, it was wrong to let Riley use the hand, but she wasn't the only person complicit in that. Instead she was violently pushed out of the lives of the people that meant the most to her and further isolated, letting the "addiction" take over unobstructed and even enabled! There was no push back or attempt to ground her back into reality. Idk man like I think there has been an upsetting lack of empathy for drug users and addicts that I've seen among discussion of the film

#talk to me (2023)#disclaimer this is mostly about youtube videos and maybe a couple of posts on here ive seen discussing the film #im not active on other social media #its just like. somethign ive noticed and sometjing that i wanna see more about you know?#like everyone talks about it being a drug addiction allegory but there is no discussion about how support systems failing users actively #contributes to their own harm and by extension them harming others #like don't get me wrong what happened to riley was awful and tragic and should not have happened #but Mia was treated like it was entirely her fault when it wasnt #and she was completely cast aside like hello!!!!!!!

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inmirova · 10 months

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btw this disability pride month make sure to include addicts in your activism. yeah I get that it's infuriating being dismissed as drug seeking when you yourself are not an addict and you need said medication and going through the fucking ringer on controlled substances every month is exhausting but imagine how it must be for the people these rules were made against. addiction alters how your brain functions, it's as much of a disability in its own right as any other mental disorder with physical symptoms is, and it makes people treat you as subhuman. addicts are seen as undeserving of help because they "got themselves into it" which is unbelievable bullshit. we talk all the time about how overexertion is bad for our disabilities, how using tools and mobility aids earlier is more helpful in the long run, but i don't really see people extend the same "let people and tools help you" grace to addicts.

#this is because i was talking to a friend about the fact that pharmacies where i live dont stock needles and syringes #and i told her that i use an anonymous needle exchange program bc i cant buy them out of pocket #and she was like 'isnt that for like. heroin users?' um. yeah and also anyone who is in need of safe equipment?#we have the same needs. we are siblings. the people who run the program started it for iv drug users and extended it #to include their disabled siblings who need it for medication. in what world would it not make sense to include them in our activism #idk this is jumbly because my brain is mush today but jfc #stop using the fact that drug use has been demonized as a point against drug users & blaming them for our problems w medical access #theyre helping us. we need to help them. we are all just people #also like. many addicts turned to drugs/alcohol to cope with disabilities. you couldve been them.#why would you fault them for that?#idk #i was just. shocked to see the 'but thats for scary druggies!' rhetoric come out of her mouth.#some people would see you the same way. this is the way your life turned out and this is the way theirs did. why would you judge them?

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gracefullyhellbentbaby · 1 year

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I’ve been off track with everything because I have been rlly sick and in pain... like sm that the nurse at my clinic wanted to like rush me to the hospital bc IV users are at higher risk for pulmonary embolisms, air/blood clots, etc, in the lungs and I’ve been presenting all the signs. Butttt I still haven’t gone, I’m finishing my last antibiotic/steroid today and am going to go to the dr. on Monday. But for now I’m trying to get back on track. I’m having cinna toast, some blueberries, apple slices, n a bit of honey peanut butter for breakfast, (I’m trying to be healthy as possible), and I’ll probs not eat again till dinner time ish, besides liquids. Anyways, its time to get my self and life back on track, and to get me weight, appearance, health, mind, everything where I want it to be. Someone come over n help me clean my room ugh.

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theaddictspoetry · 1 year

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you're always there for me

even when i wish you weren't

i've given you everything,

every last thing i own ,

every last piece of myself-

just to regret it and drown in self hatred

i despise you

yet i keep coming back for more

it makes no sense does it?

they wish they knew what goes on in my head,

i say i wish i understood it myself....

@theaddictspoetry

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chroniclesofpain · 2 years

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Mercy In My Veins

Sit down; let's play a game.

Sleep sound; the monster's been tamed.

Still loud; the voices scream:

"Let me out; you know you're just a fiend."

"Slow down; I don't wanna play.

Stop now; I won't treat me this way."

So proud; now I can say:

"Stay out; at least for today."

"Calm down; your life's not a game.

Stop now; you are not your shame."

So loud; the voices still say:

"Run now; just don't forget your veins."

Sit down; let's play a game.

Sleep sound; the monster's been tamed.

And even though, there's blood in my veins;

The voices laugh, I'm still insane.

When there's nobody but myself left to blame,

And my heart is still full of hate,

I beg for some mercy in my veins,

Or maybe from God, if I'm not too late.

- Jarred Shah

6/11/2020

9:00pm

#mental health #healingjourney #mental illness #writers and poets #writers on tumblr #dark poetry #mental heath awareness #poetry #original writing #mental wellness #addiction #drug #needle #iv user #hoplessness

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rafeandonlyrafe · 2 months

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dealer

words: 2.5k

warnings: 18+ only!, smut, female receiving oral, mentions of p in v sex, kind of shy/anxious!reader, dealer!rafe, no drug taking is actually done but mentions of weed and coke

“tina, i love you, i really do, but im not buying weed for you.”

“its not buying! ill give you the money, just go pick it up from my dealer for me.” tina hands you a wad of cash, forcing it into your grip.

“what if i get caught with it?” you question, nerves already flooding your system. you aren't a complete straight edge, you're willing to drink occasionally and you've been to a couple parties before, but illegal drugs are way out of your comfort zone.

“relax, it's just weed! it's not like im having you buy coke from him or something.” tina laughs, and you wonder how this wild child became your best friend.

“he sells coke?” you squeal.

“listen, babe.” tina places her hands on your shoulders. “you need to live a little. get out of your comfort zone. im not saying you need to take drugs, but you can at least go and pick some up for me.”

“fine.” you sigh, pocketing the cash.

“great!” seeing tinas wide smile, gracing her gorgeous face, is the only reason why you actually agreed to this. “he already knows im sending you to pick it up. he says it has to be today and ive got work.”

“you knew id agree?” you question.

“of course.” tina shrugs. “you're my best friend.”

“alright, alright. good point.”

your eyes are wide as you approach the imposing house. you hesitate on the front porch, but ultimately force your hand to raise and knock on the door.

it opens a few moments later, and you’re not sure why you're surprised at the sight of the dealer. he’s put together and handsome, whereas you expected him to look disheveled and strung out, but you suppose that's more of the user than the seller.

“y/n?” he questions, looking you up and down. you hesitate to respond, your name sounding so smooth and silky coming from him. “picking up for tina?” “oh!” you nod quickly. “yes, yeah. sorry.”

the dealer smiles at you, clearly amused by your nerves. “i’m rafe. come in.”

you follow rafe into the house, shutting the door behind you. he leads you into the living room, gesturing for you to sit on the couch. you slide onto the soft material, not sure if this is normal or not, you’ve never bought any sort of drugs before.

“can i get you something to drink?” rafe asks.

“uh-” you clear your throat, looking around the living room to avoid making eye contact. “water is fine.”

rafe nods, leaving you alone in the spacious room before returning with two glasses of water, one with ice and one without.

“didn’t know if you wanted ice or not, take whichever.” rafe sets them both in front of you on the coffee table, and you reach for the one without ice, taking a polite sip. you’re too nervous to really drink it, but want to be courteous. you’re not sure if rafe is dangerous, he doesn’t really look it, but he must be by nature of being a drug dealer.

“let me grab you tinas weed.” rafe says, exiting the room again to return a moment later, with a baggie of weed in his hand. he sets it on the table, taking a seat on the arm chair across from the couch, facing you.

“tina gave me $50.” you say, pulling the cash out of your pocket and setting it on the table next to the weed. “is that good?”

“yes its good.” rafe laughs, not even bothering to grab the cash off the table and count it.

“i-i don’t smoke.” you say, unsure why you felt the need to make the confession. “or do any drugs. so i don’t really… know anything.”

“would you like me to teach you?” rafe asks, making your eyes widen as you shake your head no.

“i just wanted to explain why i’m so nervous.” you say, hands wringing together on your lap, wanting to escape the house.

“its cute.” rafe simply says with a shrug.

“whats cute?” you hum, confused.

“how nervous you are. you’re adorable.” rafe explains, making you blush and stare at the floor, muttering a quiet thank you.

“i should go now.” you say, needing to get out of under his intense gaze.

“let me walk you to the door.” rafe says, standing. you grab the bag off the table, putting it into your back pocket, regretting not bringing some sort of purse or bag to carry it in.

you stand up, tracing your steps through the complex house back to the front door. “thank you.” you say when rafe opens the door for you.

“no problem, y/n.” rafe practically purs your name out. “tell tina to call me when she gets home from work.”

“did i do something wrong?” you question, suddenly worried until rafe lets out a soft laugh.

“not at all, baby.” you want to jump at the pet name, but simply nod and head out the door, not glancing back even though you can feel rafes intense eyes on you.

“rafe wants you to come to the party this weekend.” tina says.

“no.” you shake your head. “no way.” “come on.” tina flops onto your bed, batting her eyelashes at you. “he said he’d give me my weed for free if i get you to come.” “tina, no! he’s… he’s too intense.” “oh my god.” tinas jaw drops open. “did he flirt with you?” “i… i think so? he called me cute and-” you can’t even finish your sentence as tina screeches. “oh my god!! y/n you have to date him, he’s like the biggest catch on the island!”

“he is a drug dealer, tina! i’ve never even smoked weed and he fucking sells coke.” you whisper the last bit.

“he doesn’t like his girls to do drugs anyways.” tina shrugs. “it’s been like a year since he dated anyone though, and i’ve genuinely heard he’s a really good boyfriend. you remember lily? she was so sad they had to break up, said she only did because her family was moving to california.”

“how good of a boyfriend can a drug dealer be?” you question, not sure how it would be to be mixed up in that world, even if rafe was clearly small time, selling only to his peers on the island.

“think about it.” tina says. “he has a ton of cash, can buy you whatever you want, can get me free weed.” “what if i don’t want to fuel your addiction?” you question, but a smile plays on your lips. tina only smokes every once in a while, and she is by no means addicted, otherwise you wouldn’t agree to have bought the drug for her.

“please come to the party.” tina says, completely switching the subject. “for me.” she pouts, causing you to groan and lean your head back against the pillow while tina thanks you, knowing that means you’ve conceded to her.

“y/n.” the voice that you would recognize anywhere purrs into your ear. you whip around, coming face to face with rafe. “i’m glad you could make it.”

“i came because tina asked me to.” you say honestly.

“ill make sure to get her her weed for free then.” rafe says with a nod, keeping true to his word.

“why did you want me to come?” you question.

“is it not obvious?” rafe raises his eyebrows. “i like you.”

“oh.” you blush, dropping your gaze down. “um… thanks. i like you too.” you know it's in a different way than rafe was implying, but honestly don't know what to say in response.

“yeah?” he questions, a smile playing on his face, completely ignore the guy who you assume must be his friend as he walks by and slaps rafe on the shoulder in greeting. “you like me the same way i like you?”

“it depends i guess…” you're truly trying to flirt back at this point, hoping your nerves don't give your voice a quiver. “how do you like me?”

“well.” rafe smirks, his eyes slowly sinking down your front, looking over your party outfit, a tight dress that tina insisted that you wear, borrowed of course out of her closet. “i want to get to know you better. take you out on a date. show you a good time. kiss you.” rafe leans in, teasingly close until you're able to feel his breath over your mouth. “and if you'd let me, take you up to my room. show you a good time.”

“oh.” you blush, cheeks surely flaring red. you have to clench your thighs together slightly, and it certainly doesn't go unnoticed by rafe. “i guess you could take me out on a date.”

“perfect.” he smiles, another grin that makes you want to melt into a puddle on the floor. he glances towards the door as a new man walks in, looking out of place compared to everyone else, his long black hair tied up in a ponytail. “ive got to go work for a bit, doll. enjoy my party with your friends, ill find you before the night is over.” he leans in, head turning at the last minute to press a delicate kiss to your cheek.

rafe walks away and greets the man, his demeanor instantly changing from flirty and sultry to smiling and friendly as he claps hands with the new man, who you hear rafe call him barry.

“holy shit, holy shit!” tina runs up to you. you didn't even realize she was watching the entire interaction, so caught up in rafe.

“he wants to take me on a date!” you whisper-scream to tina, well aware that rafe is only on the other side of the room.

“you said yes, right?”

“girl, of course!” --

“hello beautiful.” rafe smiles as you open up the door. you’re glad that your parents are gone for the weekend. they never really care who you’re dating, having developed a lot of trust in you, but you didn’t even want to introduce them to rafe.

“hey rafe.” you smile back, accepting the kiss onto your cheek when he leans forward.

“got us a nice reservation at the country club.” rafe says, hand coming to the small of your back as he leads you towards his truck. he helps you climb in, not wanting you to fall in your heels.

“im really excited.” you admit after rafe rounds the hood and gets into the drivers seat, smoothly backing out of your long driveway.

“not nervous?” rafe questions, calling back to your meeting.

“im not buying drugs from you, so i think im okay.” you giggle, although you do have a bit of anxiety building, but only in the form of slight butterflies in your stomach.

“i like that you’re not a part of that scene.” rafe says, reaching over and looping your fingers together, resting your joined hands on the center console.

“you probably have a lot of girls try to date you to get stuff for free.” you assume.

“yeah.” he admits with a sigh. “don't get me wrong, i get it comes with what i do, but its frustrating to never know if someone is seriously into me.” you’re surprised by rafes confession, seemingly overly intimate and vulnerable for someone with his persona. you lean across the seats as he stops at a red light, pressing your lips to his cheek.

rafe smiles at you, squeezing your hand in appreciation. “can’t wait to kiss you when i drop you off back home.”

“talking about kissing me and haven’t even taken me on the actual date yet?” you say with a laugh.

“baby, i could take about eating you out or taking you from behind or kissing you. all of them are going to happen very soon.” your cheeks turn red as you swallow, suddenly turning silent as rafe pulls into the country club.

you’re not surprised how rafe is recepted as he leads you inside, the wait staff not even having to ask his name, already calling him mr. cameron before leading you towards the reserved table.

“this is really nice.” you admit with a whisper. you’ve never been inside of the country club before. you had heard that they have a pool, golf course, a bar restaurant area and then the fancier restaurant that you’re currently in, but you never had any reason to join.

“only the best for you, gorgeous.” rafe says with a smooth grin.

the dinner goes by just as smooth as his smile. its a set menu by the chef, but you found everything to be delicious, and feel perfectly filled by the end of it, not too stuffed but not hungry for more. you also feel like you know rafe much better, the conversation easily flowing.

its no surprise when rafe drives you back home that his hand lands on your thigh, even managing to creep underneath your skirt and touch your bare skin without you hollering and pushing his hand away like you would with any other guy.

“about that kiss…” rafe says when he gets you back home, standing on your doorstep.

“kiss and then what else were you talking about?” you hum, already knowing you’ve got a wet sport formed on your underwear just from his hand on your leg. “eating me out and taking me from behind?” “are you saying i can do all of those things tonight?” rafe smirks. he didn’t expect to get in your bed after one date, thinking he’d have to work a whole lot harder to convince you, but you are far too needy to deny him entry.

“i certainly won’t tell you no.” you smile, the grin quickly wiped off your face when rafe leans in, one hand on your cheek and the other moving to your waist, pulling you in tight to his body as his lips devour yours, mouth hot and wet against yours.

you fist a hand in his shirt, needing some sort of stabilization as you kiss for all your neighbors to see, moaning into his mouth when his hand moves lower to grip your ass, feeling the plump flesh under the fabric of your skirt.

you pull away from the kiss only to take a step backwards into the house, rafe quickly following you in. you practically race up to your room, trying not to seem too desperate.

the illusion is broken when rafe finally gets between your legs, having slowly undressed you and pressed kisses all over your body, showing special attention to your chest but ignoring your pussy until he was also naked, now laid between your spread thighs.

“such a pretty pussy for me baby.” rafe coos. “all mine now, understood?” “yeah, yeah.” you nod. “all yours.” you think to yourself that you will have to thank tina for begging you to pick up her drugs that day, and all the convincing shes done since as rafe leans forward, tongue swiping through your folds.

you let out a moan, hand reaching down to grip rafes hair as he moves upward, sucking your clit into his mouth.

yeah, you’ll definitely have to thank tina.

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shmingleping · 8 months

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Well fuck.

Completely out of rigs, no needle exchange on weekends, most pharmacies are now closed since it's 7pm on a Saturday... what the fuck do I do..

I was so hopeful that I found one 24hr pharmacy a lil ways away from where I live -not that I cares, I'm desperate- so I called and asked if they had the ones I use & she said yes (sweet relief) and then when I asked if I needed to bring 'my rx' with me to get them, she said yes but then asked me to hold while she asked... I was on hold for long enough to figure that while she asked another pharmacist that she most likely said something a kin to 'blah blah blah jUnKiE blah blah blah DrUgS blah blah blah to get HiGh?!?!' before coming back and reiterating that yes a prescription is required. Fuck.

I looked it up and shit said no prescription is required to purchase insulin syringes at a pharmacy. So.... can certain pharmacies just say they don't like that rule so they say they require them when they really don't have to?

Idk man I don't know what the fuck to do. Maps says there's a few more 24hr pharmacies scattered around but for starters I'm not calling every one to ask if they have insulin needles, and secondly I'm so not about to bust a mission to multiple locations in search of this shit that shouldn't be that difficult to buy just in case more than one of them says some bull about having a rx.

I wish needle exchanges here had either longer hours (they basically go from 11am to 3pm, tho at one point they closed at 7pm on Fridays) or that they were open on weekends.

There's gotta be fucking somewhere that isn't 2000 miles away that I can go to to buy the rigs I want without being asked questions about it. Otherwise I'm totally fucked, and on top of that I'm nowhere near practicing any kind of harm reduction techniques by being more or less forced into reusing needles. I hate this.

And now my stomach hurts too damnit.

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