#Im a piece of shit and i know it but i am actually trying to balance things despite how awful it looks

[spider-man-2o99]

ok so apparently i can just never articulate my Deep Thoughts on purpose and can only do it by accident whilst rambling in the notes of a bookmark where the veneer of anonymity feels like a false-protective coat to hide behind, or somesuch-something like that. idk. anyways. anyways. i don't like how fucking mean-spirited across the spider-verse as a film seemingly is for literally no reason at all other than just bcuz it Could Be. y/k.

#talking tag #atsv #spider-man #spider-man 2099 #miguel o'hara #miles morales #suicide mention #suicide tw #& i am talking abt the Actual Textual Content of atsv btw not the Fandom Interpretation of it. bcuz those r 2 different things lmao. #every additional piece of context that we learn abt the behind-the-scenes too. it just. Sours this film to me. like drinking rotten milk #only ONE person outside of his family unconditionally supports miles. ONE. ONE!!!!!!!!!! the whole film!!!! #(obie obie broauwn i hate the AM i hate the PM u will live in my heart for ever) #and Knowing now how much the writers obviously didnt give a shit abt Mig.. it all just reads like that rotten any1 can wear the mask but yo #and that echoes in the narrative disdain for the one other spider-man in the whole movie whose origin is /like miles/. #who DID have a spider-man in his world who died before he got his powers who IS motivated by fear by wanting 2 be good but thinking he cant #You Cant Wear This Mask. The Only People Who Are Like You Actually LIKE You Are Twisted And Wrong And Warped Inevitably By That Wrongness. #Nobody Will Ever Understand What You Have Been Through And You Were Stupid And Naive To Ever Try Otherwise. You Petulant Child. #and the spider society treats miguel like shit like im honestly surprised that was just such a Casual Thing in the movie but no #they microaggress him 2 hell and back they insult him to his face they do not respect his boundaries they flat-out just Dont Respect Him #and he Takes It. of course he takes it. it is Literally All He Knows. taking it and hating himself and knowing that he is Different. #Christ almighty. what a shitshow.

[skitskatdacat63]

Orb...

+ process kinda

#istg lineart is just a horrible terrible thing LOL #i sketch and it goes very well and i am very happy and i feel very creative!!! #i have to do lineart and it makes me want to give up the piece ..... #i get to paint and im like omg i could do this for hours !!! this is so fun !!!!!! #thus: orb #im very happy w it so thats why im posting #idk how long the actual piece is gonna take so might as well post a little sneak peak ig #lmfao i gave up on the crown bcs it was too complicated and then drew this. maybe the crown will come back. prob not #im surprised w the process of this. i usually struggle a lot w accurately referencing real life things #and i usually end up tracing them just to understand how the form works #and god ive drawn so many complicated things for this piece and havent had to trace at all???? okay????? #i mean ofc its not entirely accurate bcs the craftsmanship on the original orb is actually insane #but i think ive got it down p well :) #ill have to try to make the gold look a bit better at some point later on but for now its !!! #i like how half my art i post here is either chibis #or just the most brainrot intense historically detailed shit ever #yes no one i talk to probably knows what a globus cruciger is but GOD DAMN IT IM GONNA DRAW IT ACCURATELY #had this thought ^ when i looked at my top posts and my last post was those nando chibis #and then after a week of not drawing after that im like yeah let me draw several imperial relics #catie.art.

[brightokyolights]

...

#i am only typing this because im tired and feeling more loosey goosey than i usually would i guess #but ive just been debating something for a while now #so basically i used to just openly talk about like. everything on this blog but then due to a multitude of reasons #i stopped posting about certain things 1. because irl people found my blog and probably still could if they Really tried #2. because i didnt want to post about certain things and have absolutely anyone know shit about me #like as much as it can feel like a cosy wee community. just me and my mutuals <3 etc. its like. actually the fucking internet djdbdjdhdhjdh #anyways whats prompting me to type all this is that i used to post kinda negative stuff on here i guess you could say. like just my feelings #and shit. but i stopped because i want this to be a positive blog and i do feel like you can manifest shit you know? if i constantly reblog #posts where im like “i feel worthless and i am a piece of shit” that isnt helping anything you know? i think what really hammered it home #for me is when i saw a mutual rb something from me like that and it made me so sad tbh. because like. no youre not. youre amazing and ily #you know? anyways. overall i think it has been a decision for the best and i enjoy that my blog has become a more positive space. but i #do sometimes just feel like im kind of going the opposite direction where i act a certain way when im really just. feeling crap. #like all the time. idk maybe tumblr isnt the place for it but it used to be my outlet you know? and i have other things like my diary and #art and even a sideblog lmao. but i guess i do just mourn my whole self not being on this blog. idk what im trying to say by all this #is it this deep? am i thinking about this way too much lmao. idk. idk. #le text post

[tori-artemis]

I don't usually make posts when I'm upset about something (or like, at all) but honestly I'm just. Really sick of the Loki fandom as a whole. Like I'm just tired of all the pettiness and bullshit. And tbh it's on both ends of the Loki series/Ragnarok split. Both pros and antis.

This isn't so much a vague post as it's a vent post for me. You see, I've been having these feelings about the Loki fandom overall for months now, and I've seen certain posts from the positive side where I just want to - jump in and say something, or at least speak for myself as an ""anti"" (hate that word btw) bc the amount of generalizing I've seen that goes on over there wrt ppl who dislike the show is just - well it's fucking frustrating. Like it annoys me bc I've heard every dumb overgeneralization since the show first came out, from not wanting Loki to move on bc we're oh-so-traumatized to we're just bitter bc the show didn't go the way we wanted/our hcs of Loki weren't validated, etc.

I think one that annoyed me the most was the claim that ppl who hate/dislike Sylvie as a character do so out of misogyny. And like - maybe there's some truth there wrt how the character/actress tend to be bombarded with gendered slurs, and yes that's not cool, but I've never referred to Sylvie or Sophia as any slur. (In fact I don't even hate Sylvie - what I do hate is how the writers have set her up as a "superior" contrast to Loki, which to me seems very intentional on their part, particularly wrt the Trauma Olympics™ as in "Sylvie had it so much harder" 🙄 - but I digress). Yet I can't help but feel like I'm being lumped in the "antis are misogynists" bin every time I read any of those posts from the pro side, simply bc I dislike the way a character was utilized. The way those posts are written, the way they sound - it's very black and white, overgeneralizing an entire group of fans, there's no nuance or side notes or disclaimers of "hey - I know not all of y'all are like this, this is just about some I've encountered" - not even in the tags, nothing. And I've just wanted so badly to jump in and say: "hey, anti here and I'm not like that" but I refrain, bc I've grown so tired of all the fandom infighting and discourse that I usually don't have the energy to get into it. So when I see someone from that side of fandom jump on a post and say how they dislike being overgeneralized as a fan, and how they feel like they're being misrepresented, or condescended to... I can't help but feel kinda upset by that, ngl. Part of me just wants to say "yes it sucks, but recognize that your side (if not you yourself) does it too. Some of you folks do it too."

Like I've read posts implying/stating that antis who hate the show lack critical thinking skills - and like, look, there might be a bit of truth wrt, say, calling Sylvie an outright abuser (and even I've been a little guilty of agreeing to view her as a person with toxic traits as opposed to the enemy-to-lovers trope she clearly falls into - tho I still can't really fault myself for not being able to take that romance seriously due to how damn rushed and forced it felt - but that's besides the point). But there's just something about the way a lot of these posts are worded, like yes some posts are pretty reasonable, but others are practically dripping with condescending sentiment (for lack of better words) as if we're fucking stupid for having emotional reactions to media as opposed to critical reactions, when isn't that the point of media and art, to illicit emotions? Like yes, the story might be trying to say something (and it might epically fail in doing so, which is how I view the show overall) but it's also meant to move ppl. And if it fails to do so, or it garners an unintended reaction, or the characterization is too inconsistent or the story telling itself is rushed/filled with inconsistencies then can you really blame fans for, well, being blindsided by disappointment/their emotions as opposed to critically analyzing it? And yes I know this is a matter of opinion, but still.

(Like sometimes a story can be extremely well written overall, and very well thought out and fans will just be oblivious to, choose to ignore or even outright refuse to pick up on the symbolism within a story, or the internal motivations/conflicts within a character, or how a character progresses/character arcs in general. Sometimes fans will even completely and intentionally misread a character in their entirety, and the role they play within a story, no matter how skilled and how excellent the writing is within a piece of art. And sometimes fans will just overall fail to realize the major themes/hints that a writer carefully lays out. Yes this is a thing, and one I've been made aware of in the particular fandom that I'm about to join.)

But then there's stories that are just... lazily/half-heartedly written at best, and so I just don't understand where pro stans get off by being condescending to ppl like me who just couldn't be immersed due to all those flaws in storytelling. Especially when I didn't get enough out of it to even see where a lot of these conclusions fans seem to have drawn from it. Like there are some inconsistencies within the story itself, there are things that just don't make a whole lot of sense, there are many contradictions, I didn't just make them up. And again I know, everyone interprets media differently, but I don't really see what a lot of pro fans have taken from the series, bc I personally don't think its there. And I really don't appreciate being thought of as some kind of imbecile for not "getting it" when the media in question is, objectively... not all that great tbh. And I'm being absolutely neutral when I say that, like I'm literally not even hating here.

And like I could've easily have turned around and made a bunch of posts stating how pro fans are "stupid" for putting so much thought into a piece of media I personally find to be stupid or just lacking in general, but I haven't. Bc one: that's a shitty thing to do to ppl, and two: it wouldn't even be true bc so many ppl who I consider very intelligent have enjoyed this show, and do put a lot of thought into analyzing it, so despite me not really seeing where they're coming from I want to respect that. And look, it's not like I haven't had those presumptuous thoughts or knee jerk reactions, bc yeah I am in an echo chamber too, and I'm no saint - I'm definitely human and I've had some overgeneralized, uncharitable takes. But I recognize this about myself, I don't post that shit. Which is why I get so upset when I see so many other fans do just that.

Also there is a definite misuse of the depiction of torture, which is used to convey certain themes, and that's very unfortunate, and IMO very bad writing/storytelling. I probably would've been a little more charitable towards the series overall if the Sif-beatdown timeloop scene had been scrapped altogether like the writers seriously should've considered doing (due to the fact that torture has so many misconceptions and is grossly excused in the majority of media which has unfortunate real world consequences) and instead focus more on Loki confronting his fear of being alone, if that truly is what the intention for that scene was. Like yes, some antis might go overboard wrt the messaging within the show, but when it comes to things like the atrocious time loop scene... that's not a made up thing we just happen to pull out of nowhere, that's something the writers put in there and therefore, yeah that's pretty fucked.

Then on the other side I'll find myself liking a post from a negative series fan bc I'll agree with the overall sentiment of it, only to unlike it right after reading the tags bc they've said something like "ppl who like this show/movie/etc are stupid" or "if you ever defended or even enjoyed TR fuck you" - and like??? WTF. I understand disliking the show or whatever but why the hell would you brush over an entire group of real, actual people as "idiots" for simply liking a piece of media??? Like - do I think the show was a disjointed mess? Yeah, I do. Do I think it was poorly written? Yes. Do I even think the reasoning behind a lot of these writing decisions was really fucking stupid on the creators part (or at the very least, that they failed to convey their ideas clearly)? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean anyone who's ever enjoyed the show is stupid for doing so, and I say this as someone who does have the knee-jerk reaction to go "how could you like that show, it sucked so much!"

But like, at the end of the day I understand that ppl take different things out of media. And just bc you find something so stupid or unwatchable, doesn't mean others will, and that's okay bc ppl are different and have different tastes and IDK how ppl don't fucking get that??? Like why is this even a hot take when it's literally just a fact???

It's shit like this that makes me feel like leaving the fandom all together. Which I don't really want to do, bc despite everything wrong with fandom and despite my own personal disappointment with the latest Loki/Thor franchise installments I still really love Loki as a character, and I still want to write fic revolving him. I even still want to make friends within the Loki fandom bc that's literally why I created this blog in the first place, to befriend other Loki fans, like I could've easily stayed being a lurker within the fandom but regardless I think at this point it's farfetched to want this bc the fandom's just way too split and way too hostile and way too fucking eager to be uncharitable and condescending af. And I'm just tired. I'm just... really really tired of the pettiness, the condescending attitude a lot of fans seem to fucking have for anyone who might think differently from them.

I'm tired of the gatekeeping - on both sides. It's on both sides. Because saying "real Loki fans would never like/defend TR/the show" and "how anyone can claim to be a Loki fan if they hate him/his own show" aren't so far apart from each other, both sentiments basically say the same thing, just from polarized viewpoints.

And I wish more fans would just recognize that.

#Loki fandom negativity #I refuse to tag this as anything else bc this isn't about the show - it's the fandom #look I'm just tired guys #I've been fed up and sick of all the damn fucking pettiness #Maybe I'm being overdramatic here #But in my defense I too am in the middle of experiencing that time of the month... #(I swear this isn't so much about that particular post as it is about all the other posts and nonsense I've seen #and the disappointment I've had with fandom that's just been pent up inside of me) #I know ppl follow me who are really entrenched in the negativity side who might take offense to this #And while I'm not really trying to offend anyone here I don't really want to go on pretending that I'm not kinda upset by all the - #posts and hot takes and hate bashing of fans/folks who might've actually enjoyed the show - bc yeah I hate that damn show too #but I can't help but feel disappointed when ppl start calling folks ''idiots'' and whatnot for enjoying a piece of media #THIS IS A BOTH SIDES ISSUE AND IM FUCKING TIRED OF IT #ALL OF YOU (GENERALLY) FUCKING GATEKEEP THE FANDOM #BOTH CONDESCEND THE OTHER SIDE AND ITS. FUCKING SHITTY #NO IM NOT A MISOGYNISTIC IDIOT WHO'S INCAPABLE OF CRITICALLY ANALYZING A MEDIOCRE/SUBPAR SHOW #AND NO JUST BC I HATE THE SHOW DOESNT MEAN I WANT TO HATEBASH ANYONE WHO ENJOYED IT #PPL ARENT IDIOTS OR STUPID FOR LIKING/DISLIKING A PIECE OF MEDIA FFS #like even discussing with some friends on discord is frustrating when they say things like ''i judge ppl who like the show'' #like no. stop doing that shit. dont condescend others like that #if anyone seeing this feels offended and wants to block/unfollow thats okay #ive already made another blog focusing on a completely different fandom #so im probably going to be dipping out of here soon anyway #i just wanted to get this off my chest before doing so #also i know there are some cool ppl here on both sides/in the middle but im just done #i said i wasnt going to talk about the show but then i just went and did so #loki series criticism i guess #might as well title this post 'How to lose friends and alienate loki fans' #tldr: everyone (generally) in this damn fandom is fucking petty and IM TIRED

[unkillobel]

i need to bitch about my job for a minute in the tags

#ok so a senior role was made available in my team that i could’ve applied for #and there’s two of us in the team so. yknow pretty certain that one of us would get it #it was sort of replacing someone who left who handled a fucktonne of work across two other teams i work with #and ultimately i decided not to apply for the job because 1. the other guy on my team has been there two years longer than i have #and 2. my health is fucking precarious #mental and physical. i already work slightly reduced hours to try and manage my chronic fatigue but even then i have frequent crashes #and whenever my workload gets too much i just shut down. like the worst stress response ever #so my coworker got the job and a hefty pay rise and im like good for him :) #and then he went on leave for 6 weeks so i got handed 60% of his workload #and when you get handed people’s projects you get a good insight into how they work and how they coordinate shit/write documents etc #and not only are these projects a piece of piss compared to the aid programme stuff i’ve been doing #his actual work is like?? not great #i know i’m a perfectionist and i put way too much effort into my documents and reports but #there’s no way this guy is being paid $30k more for this!! #so now i’m like why didn’t i fucking interview for the senior role!! #i have this terrible impostor syndrome even though i’ve been there a year and get good feedback on my projects #part of it because i’m 22 and i am constantly like how the fuck am i here with an arts degree. i don’t know Anything #but shit man. if this guy’s mediocre work is worth a senior role #i have had a couple of job offers with a decent pay bump which is still wild to me. you want to pay me WHAT #<- well aware this is a great ‘problem’ to have #anyway i think i need a pay rise. we’ve just had a mass exodus from our team. i reckon if i threatened to leave they would lift my salary? #but i don’t know if i want to blackmail my manager lmao

[dullahandyke]

the thing is even as my version of the ace attorney universe is heavily modified to fit the themes of the characters within it, idk if thats even the right choice for the place to put them in bcos its not quite working. but also sooo much of it plays on aa status quo that id have to entirely reinvent parts if i wanted to preserve that effect

#like ive been playing dgs and i read a Really good oc insert kh fic recently #and im like holy shit these r so good... n then my ocverse is kind of incoherant and not cohesive #and logically i know that the only way to get to it being good is to work on it #but thats haaard and these characters have literal years of baggage in my mind that i cant divorce them from #+ if i were to ever actually write their story itd have to Feel like ace attorney with like cases and banter n shit #and theres parts of my changed worldbuilding that would actively make that difficult to work with #let alone my lack of faith in my ability to emulate aa stuff #sigh. ok first ill move the puzzle pieces around in my head a bit more and try to get it all working #first stop is working more on ames bcos even tho shes the protagonist shes so underdeveloped... #like i remember a time when occult yamamoto (yes that used to be her name i was 13) was my favourite ever ever she was all i drew #there are pictures of her onmy bedroom walls i threw her and her twin sister an irl birthday party #and now the tone of the post has switched to mourning the loss of passion i used to have for ocs and stuff. great #maybe i need to get into oc roleplay again. fangan discords were my old hunting grounds so mayhaps... #tho that would necessitate like. messaging and stuff. and im bad at that (friday seven im Sorry i see your dms ill get back to u soon) #shrug idk... ANYWHOOOO ill thonk on it

[bigpeepee]

years trying to fall out of love w my ex, nothing has worked quite as well as seeing her post pro-hp stuff

#guys i am officially free #she's on her anti-sjw arc and im like. you know what good for me #like listen. i have several family members and friends who still enjoy harry potter and i try not to be a bitch about it #i have asked that they at least don't make me harry potter themed gifts #i wish they would stop buying hp things for themselves but im trying to be charitable #i am charitable with people who still enjoy the media despite knowing that jkr is a piece of shit #im also giving them the benefit of the doubt about how much they actually know bc sometimes i just. im too tired to explain it fully #but like. going out of your way to mock the idea of being anti-hp? yikes

[c6jpg]

I give up on the new artifact domain scara is just gonna have to make do with this 2pc/2pc set bc I can't beat it's stats with the crap this domain is giving me and I'm actually quite okay with his current damage anyways. also I'm behind on my gilded/deepwood farming and I kinda rather be doing that instead lol

#0.txt #im behind on that farming bc i basically have not given a shit about dendro up until now #but al haitham is coming and alas. i am not immune #idk which set ill give him. i know in theory you should give someone else deepwood and him gilded but #i dont have other dendro and i feel weird giving a 15% dendro bonus to a non dendro character also i run solo situations a lot #(u will see an al haitham v raiden i promise u that) #thirdly i actually have a dendro deepwood goblet that isnt bad at all like it rolled mostly into atk% but it has some em and cr in there #which means i can use an off piece em sands and not want to off myself trying to farm one that's on set #either way the best part of this is you farm both at the same time so we'll see how it goes #even if he doesnt use one set someone else will def have use for it

[definitelynotshouting]

Would we like to see more writing... honestly im offended you even have to ask /silly

-🍂

WODNWKDKW DONT LOOK AT ME IM JUST A LITTLE GUY YOUR HONOR

#shouting speaks #listen the quality jump between my rough draft and final draft pieces is so insane i get self conscious okay #that out of context smooch inposted yesterday is NOT my best work #but in an insane twist for me im actually trying to be reasonable about it for once and just. post shit #no full rewriting like my normal editing just first draft nonsense #fucking wilding that my unedited stuff has reached 200+ notes. wots all this then. u ppl know thats rough draft for me right #asks #this is very flattering btw tea anon i am 🫶🫶🫶 rn #txt

[consciouschunkofmoss]

screaming my lungs out why do people make subtitles completely different from the actual audio ?? the fuck is wrong with you

literally thats so fucked on so many levels and im just plainly tired

#please let me watch a video with proper subtitles who are not seemingly pathetic attempts at fixing your script post-production #just let me actually know what the fuck is going on #bc otherwise its just a new milestone towards making it even more needlessly difficult to understand your shit #also i know its not my place to say that as fiercely as im not disabled in such a manner #but for those who truly cannot have access to the audio i think its pretty gross of you to change the entire structure of your words #even if to fix how linear and coherent your video is #why would you choose to do that when you Know that the main demographic of people who use captions are solely dependent on it #there is no excuse to cut entire pieces of your commentary to add ''smarter'' takes when you could just. do what youre meant to #(on the terms of this specific task. if youre so set on doing it) #which is just pass down the words one by one without changes ! #literally i am so on edge because that stresses me out so much #im not sure if im just being mean on this subject #because i do know there is *a lot* of work around developing fully working and well timed captions to a video #(specially if its long like those essay types) #but dude i dont want to get a headache every time i try to watch a video and fight for my life to understand the whole context to it #to which a nt person already has complete access to #its frustrating how this manner of editing never seems to have nd/disabled people in mind when exercising it on an actual video #(sorry for repeating video a lot. im not sure what else to use)

[touyatodorokigf]

I miss drawing so bad

#like actual full pieces #not just my little sketches #I do those quite a lot #or try to #but I just miss like the process of it all #rendering and stuff #if u could even call it that w my art but idk #yeah I just feel like I am in such a creative block lately #and I think it’s mostly because I have been very busy #like I had a tiny break after finals were done and then things started happening again #and i have such an issue with like ajsjsksjsk #If I do something or a couple of things one day I won’t do the things for MYSELF on that day #if that makes sense #so I’ll just be like wow im so tired let me relax #instead of like writing or drawing or doing something creative #but I never wanna force that shit because then it’s not fun #and then what’s the point then u know #idk I am just a little bummed about it and have been lately but #I will deal!!!! I will get out of the funk eventually #the next couple of days start to slow down for me so hopefully I have a chance to write #or like have a moment where I feel like I actually WANT to be creative #omg this got so long bye ajshsksjsk if u read this far I’m so sorry and also I’m kissing ur forehead and I love u

[boy-above]

tfw talking with your therapist feels like homework

#i need to keep talking to her otherwise i can't use the other services at the clinic #but idk. i miss my old therapist #talking to most therapists just feels like i'm being judged for my lack of progress #obviously i need a push to actually stick with things but #i don't know. there's only so many times i can say 'nothings changed; i didn't try anything new' #it's like thanks for checking in im still a piece of shit #i miss my old therapist she like. idk i felt less judged i guess #she pushed me to do things in a way that felt more supportive #i really do wann try to get my life together once spring comes #but i say that every spring and nothing changes #what am i gonna do with my life. what am i gonna do when my parents are gone #my only way of coping right now has been ignoring things #if i start thinking about the big picture i just wanna die #everything's too much #i need to do Something #i need to Be something #i'm still paralyzed and i have been for years #i can't move forward #i've made progress but not enough #it's like i take a step forward and then a step back #i need to do something this spring. i need to try really hard

[mrfoox]

God im so tired of this... Fifth day of getting super nauseas from my meds. Threw up two of those days.

And the other i just sat around for 2+ hours sipping water and hanging in or close to the bathroom bc it never went away

#miranda talking shit #I took my meds at 8.30 and its now 11.50... I still feel like ill throw up if i do anything #I know i need to eat but i know i wont be able to keep it if i eat... #So ive just drunk water had some pieces of plain crackers and an clementine (: #I kinda just want to get it over with bc the other times after i emptied my stomach i was no longer nauseas.. #But since i know i need to disolve the medicine i am trying not to do it #I hate this so much and i couldn't get through to my hospital either even though i called every 5-10 mins for two hours #I just want to die... I can deap with so many shit bodily feelings but nausea specifically is one i cant #I cant do anything while i feel it. I can concentrate on anything except the feeling and it drives me nuts #Second thing i hate is headaches but they are not on this level. Headaches are bad and keeps me from doing stuff but this is just the worst #And i cant really ... Do anything more on my own. Like ive googled and all i found was like oh drink cold water... Plain crackers... #Lemon water and ginger can help too and those two i dont really have. I have ginger tea so im getting it now but like for fucks sake #And its in the mornings i actually eat better like... This is when i eat fruits and healthier shit #But i cant now... If i do i end up losing it all so im like... (: haha... Cant win

[ghoul-haunted]

sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s okay that my interests veer from one genre to the other because that ‘oh this is cringe,’ instinct keeps biting me in the neck whenever I go to post something romantic™ and I’ve been getting better at holding my ground and not giving into it. yeah!!! I do like romance!!! it’s fine!!!!! I can take romance seriously if I want to!!!!!!

#i repeat this until i hit post and then it's outta my hands and im on to the next thing #many years of people telling me that romance is embarrassing and not something serious creators pursue has left its mark #but i am determined to ignore it and have a good time #anyway the above 'i DO like this thing and i CAN take it seriously if i want to' has been my mantra with art for a few months now #and im genuinely happier for it. like....i look back at what ive made over on my history blog and i LIKE it!!! it was fun!!! it makes me #want to try out new things and then actually follow thru with it knowing that if it doesn't land quite right that time i can try again #some other time #theres some earlier pieces where im like. hmm. if i was to re draw it now i would not use so many lines so close together #but!! i wanted to do it that way at the time!!! and i had fun doing it!!!! and i liked that i did it!!!! #ON THE OTHER HAND sometimes it is also NOT about taking things seriously. ive also given myself permission to be a filthy casual #about shit if i want to. i'll make a ridiculous modern au if i want to bc i personally think its funny to do it.

[depresseddepot]

so like. after i realized i had adhd it felt like my adhd got worse bc i was seeing symptoms everywhere, but it was really just bc i was paying full attention to it for the first time. now that i know i have autism too, it's doing the same thing, where i feel like its getting worse and harder to manage so i'm going to have to get really good at acting really quickly or i'm going to have to figure out how to not have a mental breakdown when my masking isn't working like it's supposed to

#i know nobody asked but. ive been out of sorts for the last month now #im also trying to keep this relatively light hearted but uh. uh! i don't know anymore if my personality is something i made up or not! #my sense of self is completely tied to my ability to mask and adapt to social situations i don't understand and it isn't working right now! #who am i outside of this construct!! bc right now i feel like im 10 years old again wearing the costume of a 21 year old!!!! #have i really not progressed past that!!!!!!! has all of my efforts just been to improve this fucking shell and not who i actually am!!!! #anyway. light hearted. #i hoping this is just exacerbated by current events and not like. the way my life will be from now on #i repressed that shit so desperately and hated myself so much i didn't even stop to think that maybe it was something i couldn't change #ive always been too slow at changing behaviors or too hard to understand etc etc #so i just repressed everything that was making me that way and somehow came to believe they were personal faults and not. u know. symptoms. #cant look anyone in the eye and am so tense in public settings i get exhausted right away from sheer exertion? #yeah that must be normal. im just a piece of shit who can't grow up and am so stupid my peers are passing me by ♡ /s #can't do anything new socially like making a phone call unless i see someone else do it first so i can copy their words and make a script? #yeah its definietly normal to have a social ability completely made up of patchwork quotes /s #and get paralyzed when someone asks something The Script can't answer bc you don't know how to use your own words #hmm. hmm! i hate myself (and i hate living here ♡)

[a-firefly-faerie]

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#im so serious you probably do not want to read this i just needed to verbalise my words and be embarrassing #like dont read this. its a vent. its a depressing post. just scroll on and be happy today #........................................................................................................................................... #no because i actually dont like being alive. like this is the worst. #i can talk up and down about how beautiful the earth is and how lovely nature is and how great people really are #but it doesnt matter when i dont have the courage to go see any of that or the means to actually travel to places that are beautiful #not even if theyre in my area because the city isnt walkable #but i still have friends who i talk to every single day and i have things set up so that i am actually speaking to people like dnd #or watching stuff with zhari or even impromptu things like playing games and having people watch or multiplayer shit #and thats all well and good but i always know for a fact that i am going to fuck it up and i dont know how to curb that #i dont have money for therapy i dont have a job that works me consistently the resources that i have found dont work for me #and i know this because i have tried for years to be a better person and theres just nothing in the world that could ever make me good #like im not a fun person to be around right? im not kind and i dont know how to speak to people and im generally awkward and mean #i can swear to myself that ive changed that im better that im not the person i was when i was 14 but i havent changed. im not better #and i dont know how to be better #i dont provide any value to the people around me. at all #im just baseline a piece of shit and sometimes i do a nice thing for people sometimes im NICE and it makes people think that im kind #but im not i just did a nice thing and that doesnt make a kind person #we can try and coddle me forever and ever but we all know that its not going to be long until You know. It's all over #as in im alone again as i should be #i dont think i really care about people leaving me anymore because to be so real i deserve to be alone #i should be isolated until im no longer a piece of shit who cant be a normal kind person #and if that point never comes then like well . but its been so long and so much time where ive been this way that its like #we all know the day is never coming that ill be better than this #i really should just extract myself from people's lives already. like i need to be someone that people hardly know or speak to #it would be better that way for everyone involved #and people can come back and be like 'oh dont trust your thoughts when youre going through seasonal depression' #'dont trust your thoughts when its late' but i feel this way all the time it just gets more intense in the summer #i dont just become a better person when fall hits this is a consistent thing with me that im a piece of shit #and EVERYONE knows it