Alejandro: Soap, would you slap-
Soap: Yes
Alejandro: You didn’t even let me finish
Soap: Doesn’t matter. I’d slap anyone
Alejandro: … do you want to hear what I was going to say?
Soap: Nope. I’d slap anyone for free
Alejandro: Even Ghost?
Soap: I punched him this morning in the ring, I know you saw that
Alejandro: Gaz?
Soap: Three days ago I slapped him over the last pod of coffee in the lounge
Alejandro: hmm… Price?
Soap:
(Later)
Gaz: Soap’s in medical
Ghost: What?! For what??
Gaz: He ran at Price and punched him. ‘Course Captain punched him right back without asking any questions. Which led them to beating the shit out of each other and now neither is seeing straight
Ghost: Damn… I miss all the good shit when I’m doing fucking paperwork
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Dick: What’d you make for Selina?
Bruce, staring at the food he burned: Regret.
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percy: am i dead?
percy, seeing annabeth asleep next to him: is this elysium?
clarisse, knocking on the door: open up, losers, it’s clarisse
percy: oh gods, it’s the field of punishment
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Alastor, holding a kettle: Coffee or tea?
Lucifer: Tea.
Alastor: Wrong. It's coffee.
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Y/N: How many vampires do you think have been hit by a car backing up in a parking lot because the driver couldn’t see their reflection?
Toby, in concern: I’ve never considered it but you’re really shining a light on what’s probably a very serious issue.
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Alastor: So why do you do your paper work in the gym?
Charlie, sipping iced coffee whilst watching Vaggie do hip thrusts: For the aesthetic? I dunno
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Incorrect Batfam Quotes
Red Robin: What do you think Hood will do for a distraction?
Nightwing: He'll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That's what I would do.
*Building explodes, setting off several car alarms
Nightwing: ... or he could do that.
Red Robin: The fact you thought it would be less dramatic than that? It’s almost like you don’t know him at all!
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(as heard on TikTok)
James: Wow, your legs look amazing in those pants...
Regulus: You should see me without them.
James: Without...legs?
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*after Soap joins 141*
Gaz, coming up to him: How tall are you, again?
Soap: ?? 177-
Gaz, yelling into the other room: HE’S SHORTER THAN ME
Ghost: THAT’LL DO
Soap, concerned: That’ll do what??
Gaz: *runs into the other room*
Soap: THAT’LL DO WHAT?!?
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Damian: My grandfather is in the backyard stabbing the ground with his sword trying to render the soil barren by killing the worms but luckily my sister has trained them all in classical ballet and they keep pirouetting away from the blade.
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SMASH BROS SEXYMAN CONTEST: FINALE!
Bayonetta v. Luigi:
VICTOR:
LUIGI!
...Wow.
The Ultimate Smash Bros Sexyman is...
literally...
Just.
Some.
Guy.
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Y/N: *banging a pen on the table out of frustration*
Bucky : Stop that. How would YOU feel if I banged you on the table?
Y/N: I—
Y/N: I don’t know the correct answer to that question.
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Angel: So, are you two dating now?
Lucifer & Alastor: Yes.
Angel: Why?
Alastor: I happen to find Lucifer very appealing.
Angel: Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Lucifer.
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