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harley: so i then count backwards from 100, repeating affirmations to myself as i go.

peter, writing notes: what kind of affirmations?

harley: stuff like “i’m real” and “the place i’m going exists and will accept me”. stuff that confirms the reality, you know?

tony, walking in: what are you boys talking about?

peter: harley is teaching me how to shift realities so i can go date draco malfoy! i know he’s lowkey racist, but i think i will make him a better person.


harley: :D

tony, slowing backing out of the room:

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Alright, panini head, I was going to ignore you but I’d like to wipe the floor with your ass first since you’re that desperate for it;

1. The reason they make so many references to her beauty and attractiveness is because MARISA TOMEI (the actress that plays Aunt May) chose it that way. She doesn’t want to be treated like an old lady, so she likes the frisky side more. She enjoys her character more when the character is not hanging around the apartment cleaning it, instead, she said she wanted May to be more independent, vibrant, and sensual. She doesn’t want to be the cooking-baking granny. Ever considered that? :) :) :) :) 

“Well, I only got to be old very recently,” she chuckles. “The industry has decided I’m an aunt-type now. I’m like, is this the way it gets broken to me? I think that it would be wonderful to have her involved a lot more in active things and not only dropping him off at school or picking him up or being at home.” - Marisa Tomei.

It’s lucky I didn’t know much about Aunt May, because I might have been horrified if I’d seen the original image of a grey-haired pensioner. Don’t toy with my heart, Marvel. Is that really how you view me?” - Marisa Tomei.

“Peter’s been a super-nerd with his studies, which is laudable, but my version of Aunt May tries to coax him out of that and broaden his interests, maybe even start dating,” -Marisa Tomei.

‘But there was what I thought the fans expected from the character, which was a strong maternal presence tending to home fires. I’ve always been very interested in and drawn to either illuminating or playing with this knitting together of both the innocent and the wild, the maternal and the sexual, and not having them be a cultural paradox.’ -Marisa Tomei.

2. ‘misogynistic part of the mcu??’ Are you 13? lmaooo only a minor who thinks that acting edgy and doing the ‘whitest white feminism’ act is cool would accuse them of something like that. Or accuse an actor/director they personally don’t know of such a thing.

3. I LOVE how yall act like May really hates Tony because a) some weird ass feminist fantasy you have where she punches him or some crap, and b) because you clearly don’t like Tony Stark and that’s it. Unfortunately for you:

“And maybe she puts on his costume, maybe that happens, maybe she goes out with Tony Stark for a little while. I don’t know, there’s a lot of things that could happen.”

“We’ll see. Hopefully the fans will love this new iteration and we’ll do more. Anyway, I think Aunt May should get her own spin-off. Something should go on with Tony Stark, and those two should get into their own capers.

“She’s got to be sure he’s still having fun in the midst of all his studies. Even though he’s so capable and has so much potential as a student and as a protege of Stark Industries. But he also has got to get out there and have a party.”

“He (RDJ) recommended me for the role and we had a flirtatious little scene together in Captain America: Civil War. Having a familiar face around certainly made me more comfortable.” -Marisa Tomei. 

Marisa Tomei doesn’t agree with you :) :) :) :) 

And btw, I’m sorry you feel this pressed about irondad but unfortunately for you, his presence is going to be in Peter’s life forever. Dead or not. So you better get used to it :) :)

Sincerely, me. Eat ass :) 

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Tony: Guys, how do we explain French?
Peter: It's Spanish, but spoken in cursive.
Christine: You got 11 letters, you pronounce 4 of them.
Pepper: Latin, but make it fashion.
Stephen: Learn to speak Spanish. Now learn Italian. Subtract the Spanish from the Italian. You are left with french.
Harley: Cover the second half of the word, squint, and pronounce the only vowels you see.
Rhodey: Gargling, but with air.
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Yeah, you better get used to this, Dr. Cho. Young Mr. Parker’s known for his self-sacrificial tendencies, also expect frecuent panic attacks from Tony.😅

I could swear I saw an incorrect quote with something similar to this somewhere.

Marvel, Sony, Stan Lee, Steve Ditko ©.

Art by Maryo274 ©.

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After a trip to the Barton’s home

Peter: Hey Mr. Barton? 

Clint: Yeah kid

Peter: You know those signs…the yellow ones with the deer

Clint: Yeah the deer crossing ones?

Peter: Yeah

What about them?

Peter: How did they teach the deer to cross right there?

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Peter comes into Tonys Sleeping Room, he’s got a build-a-bear in his arm.

Peter:Mr Stark, I am a horrible human being.

Tony *yawns*: It’s 3o'clock in the morning. What the fuck have you done?

Peter *sobbing*:I just killed a moscito. At first I thought it would be ok cause being a moscito seem like a pretty sad life. But now I can’t stop thinking about the fact that it might have had children for which it wanted the blood. Now they are going to starve! I didn’t even know it’s name. Did it love to fly?

Tony*sighs**calling sb*

*A moment later*

Doctor Strange:What the fuck should I do?

Tony: Resurrect a moscito.

Doctor Strange:Why the fuck?

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Harley: Having trouble sleeping? Join the military. They teach you how to sleep anywhere. 
Morgan: Trust issues? Get pregnant and see who sticks around. 
Peter: Curious about the afterlife? Die. 
Tony: …kids what the hell?

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(aka, the Avengers as S*** I’ve said)

Peter: hi person in charge, it’s me, peter. I’m just putting in a simple request here. CAN I PLEASE STOP BEING SUCH A FRICKING DISASTER. thank you!

Tony, as soon as Peter walks out of the room: Hi person in charge. It’s me, a random person. Simple question. If I killed you, would I be in charge then? I’ll find you, :)

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  • Peter and Rhodey know each other, of course
  • seriously, it would be impossible for them not to know each other, especially since Tony made a spot in his private life for Peter as well
  • and because Spider-Man started to join Iron Man and War Machine on a few of their mission (if they’re not during the school day and if the risk of getting hurt isn’t too high)
  • they get along great, and it only gets better after Peter isn’t so tongue-tied around the superhero anymore
  • Tony accuses them of teaming up against them, which they are, but not to make his life like hell - which the billionaire claims - but to get him to adopt healthier sleeping, eating, and working habits
  • but let’s get to the adventure
  • well
  • more like misadventure
  • Tony’s birthday isn’t that far away and Peter is determined to find the perfect gift
  • luckily, he actually finds it
  • Tony has been working on one of his favourite vintage cars these past few weeks mostly because one part of the engine is damaged
  • Tony is convinced he can fix it, but Peter takes one look at it and knows that even Tony Stark can’t fix it
  • so, he’s gonna get that part for him
  • and he actually finds someone who is selling parts of vintage cars and has the exact thing Peter is looking for
  • the only problem is: he needs to get there
  • driving himself is not an option
  • ‘cause he wants to, y’know, live
  • May has to work and because she’s still a little bit salty about Tony not telling her that he took her nephew to Germany, she tells him no and that he should just get him a card
  • Happy is with Pepper in Malibu for a business trip
  • Ned doesn’t have a license
  • and he obviously can’t ask Tony
  • so, he asks Rhodey
  • via text
  • Do you want to go on a road trip with your favorite intern?
  • That makes it sound like you’re my intern
  • Maybe I should get an intern
  • How about this: I’ll convince Ned to be your intern and you go on a road trip with me?
  • Are you only asking because you need someone to drive?
  • What?! No, of course not! I just want to spend some time with you ❤
  • I’m not Tony, I don’t fall for your tactics
  • So is that a no? :(
  • Stop sending me picutres of you looking sad
  • Stop
  • Stop!!!
  • Ugh, fine. But you owe me a cheeseburger
  • :)
  • if Rhodey would’ve known how difficult this entire thing would be, he would have requested two cheeseburger
  • it starts with the traffic being absolute awful!! They spend an hour just sitting in the car, moving about 5 feet and playing I spy with my little eye
  • when they arrive at the place, nobody is home and Peter can’t reach the seller
  • they wait an hour for him
  • Rhodey is too stubborn to not see this through, and Peter starts to feel genuinely guilty for convincing him to come along
  • when the seller finally arrives, he notices how badly Peter wants the part (the part itself is in good shape, luckily) and drives the price up
  • Peter can’t haggle
  • and Rhodey’s day has been so bad, he’s not in the mood to haggle and is this close to call his suit - which would have been very counterproductive, since they don’t want Tony to know what they’re doing
  • in the end, Peter pays a little bit more than they originally agreed on, but he’s just happy that he has a gift for Tony
  • speaking of Tony
  • he notices the absence of his best friend and his intern and calls both of them
  • while Rhodey can easily come up with a white lie to pacify the billionaire, Peter doesn’t have as much practice
  • he almost ruins the entire thing, but somehow it works out
  • for an entire week, Rhodey and Peter don’t talk about their little adventure
  • not until Tony finally unwraps Peter’s gift and thanks him
  • and then everything breaks loose
  • they don’t stop talking about, retelling the story again and again and again
  • Tony demands that they don’t go on adventures without him anymore
  • especially if they involve cheeseburgers and haggling
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Aww, thank you so much Anon! I’m so glad you’re feeling better, and yes definitely! Emily is the queen of Penny Parker fics, and I’m so happy you suggested it because I’ve been meaning to write a Female!Peter story for ages now! Thank you again for your lovely words, it literally made my day and it warms my heart to know that you’re still enjoying the Soulmate AU after all this time (Sorry the sequel has been taking so long!). I hope you enjoy this fluffy one-shot, and have an awesome day!



Ever since the bite, Penny had always run a little colder than usual. In summer it wasn’t too bad except for a little extra sensitivity towards air conditioners, but winter was an uncomfortable game of layering singlets atop of shirts atop of jackets and even more jackets and still managing to shiver like a leaf in the wind. Safe to say, winter was far from Penny’s favourite season.

But after an unusually warm morning in late fall, Penny figured she could make it through the day with only a jacket instead of her usual jumper-jacket combo, and was pleased to say she made it through the entire school day without any trouble at all. Her last class of the day was gym too so by the time the bell rang her blood was beating warmly through her veins, adding a small skip to her step as she started her trek to the tower. It was Friday, which meant she would be spending the afternoon working on her suit with her mentor Tony Stark, and Penny didn’t think her day could get any better!

The universe seemed to agree though, because the thick, gloomy clouds that had been scattered lazily across the sky began to envelope the sun and sent the temperature plummeting by the second. The adrenaline that had kept Penny warm had faded long ago, and it was only now as she crossed her arms over her chest that she realised she had forgotten her jacket in the gymnasium. For a moment the girl considered turning back, but she was already halfway to the tower, and assured herself she could make it there with no problems.

As per her Parker luck though there was a problem, and that problem came in the form of rain. It was just light enough not to warrant an umbrella, but the chilled water on her bare arms only amplified the shudders running down her spine, and by the time she stepped through the tower doors her whole body was trembling like a drowned dog.

“Hey kid,” Mr Stark’s voice hummed when she entered the lab, closing the door behind her with shaking fingers. “I’ve got some new ideas for your suit that I want you to- wow! What happened to you?”

Keep reading

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Ideas From My Instagram Followers: Part Who Gives A Fuck.

Accepting requests.

PeterMJ but as a practical magic au


I can’t wait to fall in love.

  • Michelle and her brother, Ned, grew up with their grandparents.
  • Their mother was a witch, and died of heartbreak - for everyone knows whoever dared love a witch was doomed to die. Once the witch hears the ticking of the deathlock beetle, the one they loved was doomed to die.
  • Ned wasn’t a witch, the gift was only passed down to women, but he was still bullied just like Michelle was, although his sister got it worse.
  • He tried to protect her as much as possible.
  • When a woman showed up at their house begging for their grandmother to revive her husband - Michelle and Ned were watching from the stairs.
  • It ended with Michelle’s head tucked into Ned’s shoulder, chanting, “I hope I never fall in love. I hope I never fall in love. I hope I never fall in love.”
  • Later that night, Ned found her in the conservatory. “What are you doing?”
  • “I’m doing a spell to create the perfect husband. One I know can’t possibly exist, so I never fall in love.”
  • She went about picking petals from the flowers.
  • “Brown eyes, deeper than anyone had ever seen.”
  • “Straight, neat hair, but curly only for me.”
  • “Kind, selfless, and smart. I want him to have actually intelligent conversations, and not have the brain of a cheeto.”
  • “He’d like his toast cold… and his favourite shape would be a circle.”
  • The flowers lifted into the air, and Michelle forgot about it.
  • When Michelle was a freshman, she met Peter Parker.
  • He was funny, dorky in an adorable way, and the Valedictorian.
  • Ned instantly became friends with him, and whenever michelle would talk about him, ned would get this dumb grin on his face, like he knew something she didn’t.
  • She realized why he was smiling when they had a sleepover.
  • Ned and Michelle came to Peter’s house - which is apparently Stark Tower whatthefuck - and Tony immediately greeted them.
  • “Make yourselves comfortable, put on a movie, i dont care, Peter will be out of the shower in a second.”
  • When Peter plopped himself next to Ned, she smiled. His normally neatly styled hair was, for one, wet. For another thing, they were forming into cute ringlets.
  • The night went off without a hitch, and they all sat in the kitchen.
  • Peter’s toast popped, and Ned threw him questioning glance when he didn’t go get it.
  • “I prefer it to cool down, so that it doesn’t get soggy when I add the butter.”
  • Ned grinned, and Michelle rolled her eyes. Partially at her brother, partially at the fluttering feeling in her stomach.
  • They decided to spend the day together, and everything came back to Michelle. The spell, how it matches, everything.
  • Tony came into the kitchen, opened the arc reactor, put something in, and put it back in his chest.
  • There’s no fucking way.
  • Michelle asked Peter about it.
  • “He’s really insecure about it, he thinks its really ugly, but I’m trying to show him that it’s not. I think it’s really cool.”
  • Peter walked off to make popcorn, and Michelle realized that he was her perfect husband.
  • “Holy shit.”
  • Ned whacked her up the head.

Thanks for reading!

New ones to come soon, hopefully!

Stay safe, cheerio x

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May: so how was your stay at the Avengers Compound?

Peter: well, imagine a group of completely civilized, responsible, and mature people.

May: …okay

Peter: now throw that idea out the window.

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