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#It was supposed to be all along

How does Elsa know the Dark Sea isn’t rejecting her bc she is there alone, instead of with Anna? That’s what the forest did! It didn’t open until they were TOGETHER! And yet I am supposed to believe that the roiling of the sea that Elsa is supposed to cross isn’t a sign that she’s going about it all wrong? Yeah, yeah, it’s supposed to be a test–but of what, exactly? Of her powers? Of her tenacity? What are they testing her for, if the forest is supposed to know already that she’s the super special Fifth Spirit? The fact that she could do it alone doesn’t mean at all that she was supposed to!

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WHOOF had an EMOTIONAL zoom with scone; not in a bad way, just in, you know. a way. because talking about the future and trying to plan for things and figure things out is always something that makes me very emotional because NO ONE EVER KNOWS (but anyway he contacted an immigration lawyer for a consult and we’re a step closer to figuring out which method of green card getting is both most efficient and least risky, and it sounds like we’ll be married on paper when (WHEN) he’s able to come in January and still have our wedding in July)

and it also all depends on whether I get a job in the US or not. because obviously if I’m not in the US, it doesn’t matter if he has a green card or not.

I’m having trouble with this interview prep because I just don’t know what to say about how I see myself in this position (doing experiments, I guess???) or fitting in with the project, because I just can’t find a lot about the project, except it sounds like maybe this can be another place I can pitch my idea about learning derivational morphology, so. fine. I guess that’s what we’ll do. (or like, evidential markers? are those derivational? negative concepts? THOSE are definitely derivational…)

so okay fine, maybe I’ll switch gears and see if I can get one job document done and then I’m calling it for the day. my brain is distraught and I was crying because I haven’t seen scone since January and I didn’t quite realize that it was October and I’m stressed out and he’s stressed out and we were talking about the possibility of him not being allowed back in the country while his application was processing and what that would mean and whether that was acceptable and you FUCKING VIRUS LET ME BE WITH HIM and FUCKING ACADEMIA (or anyone really) LET ME HAVE A JOB, PREFERABLY IN THE US

and anyway I’m trying not to think too much about what if I get one of these 2- or 3-year postdocs in Germany or Canada and how does HE get a job because HE’S not wanting to stay in SA any longer than absolutely necessary (and likely resigning after this academic year because he’s sick of it and wants to NOT be in SA, otherwise I would have already moved there to be with him and to take up the position that his coworkers/boss want me to take, because apparently there really aren’t enough women with PhDs in psycholinguistics with my skillset… so anyway)

also I spilled milky tea on my clean jeans. not what I wanted to do. the cherry on top of the anxiety sundae that is today. ugh.

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lmao i remember like a year ago i tried to saw a round piece of wood on this electric sawing machine thing and bc it was a round piece and i wasnt pushing it hard enough it twisted in the middle and the machine yeeted the piece of wood full force against my thumb and then my teacher yelled at me for it? and this bootlicker teachers pet classmate just went on to explain to the whole class what i did wrong like i wasnt sitting there trying not to cry from the pain lmfao

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in other news.. tomorrow may be my last day of therapy for a while, unless I misunderstood what she was saying, and I’m lowkey terrified

#we got through a lot. and a lot of work went into the past two or so years. a lot of processing and change and understanding, #but I've been feeling like I'm stuck in hell again between a rock and a hard place unable to move, #and idk how to cope with that if I'm gonna be on my own with it again, #it's just.. a bit much, #I've gotten so used to knowing that I'll have sb to talk to when shit gets rough, #sb who will tell me I'm valid. and that I deserve better. and that I've done better than I let myself believe, #and idk. idk how I'm supposed to just move along without that, #I still don't know how to ask for help. I still have all this anxiety. we never worked on that bc I was doing better, #but now it's all come back and I still don't really have coping strategies that work consistently, #all I have is age old dissociating and numbness which fucks me up long term and all the other shit like perfectionism I can't let go, #I don't know how to deal with this on my own. I barely knew with her help but now that's gonna be gone so.., #guess it's just me. on my own. again, #stuck in this nightmare situation at work trying not to cry bc I'm supposed to have finished with driver's ed by now, #when all I can think abt is how I can't memorize shit at all and there's more than a thousand questions on that exam, #and driving still makes me worry about everything bc I'm scared to death of ruining sb's life if I fuck up, #I just.. I don't want to. and I can't. but I have to and idk how to cope, #and idk how to quit my job bc I'm afraid that I'll suck at everything else, #she'd ask me sometimes where I saw myself in the future and the truth is I still don't know. I don't have goals, #all I have is fear that's telling me what to run from. and anxiety and those gd voices in my head telling me that I'll be a failure if I do, #feels like any progress I've made is just gone now. the only thing I still have going for me is fucking medication, #and even that is struggling to keep me afloat, #idk. I'm just so tired, #a day in the life of..
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sometimes i think about daybit and how long he was away from fae, how painful it was for him to pretend to be their enemy, how much it hurt not to be able to fight by their side, and how many times he nearly just ran to them to help and i just

image
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Writing sibling bullshit between the big six, and I will sit on my little hill and bang this little drum that they do fucking care for each other (ALL of them), even if some of them don’t get along very easily (Poseidon and Zeus, natch). And writing this, I was delighted to realize that, as this fic is turning out, Zeus is/was very much the driving force between all six of them, creating synergy.

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Peter: You’re like the coolest person I’ve ever met, and you don’t even try.
Loki: I try real hard actually
#catch loki spending 4 hours every morning working hard to make his outfit and hair look good just because, #catch peter going out of his way to hang out with loki because yeah thor is cool but loki is literally kylo ren gone good without rey, #so anyways peter and loki would get along great maybe a bit too great considering they'd both risk blowing a hole in a ship, #which is probably not the best way to get rid of ebony maw but loki would appreciate the creative solution anyways, #in turn peter would totally think loki faking his death for real the third time is the coolest thing even if the actual deaths before werent, #can you tell i feel robbed of loki interacting with literally every other character in the mcu, #loki's arc isn't complete because he didn't get acknowledged as a hero on-screen by literally anyone, #he was killed off at ''maybe there's some good in you'' and because of that no one will remember him, #captain america and tony died and they left behind a legacy, #but thor won't even MENTION loki, #nat died but you bet she'll be remembered and there'll be a new black widow to take up the mantle, #even gamora gets remembered and there's another one of her running around, #loki just got death for trying to be a hero and that is not how loki's story is supposed to end, #putting aside all the issues with what it would take to actually keep him dead it's Loki, #he's made a living off being a wild card, #there ain't no way he's dead, #and bringing another timeline's loki in is just going to mean there are two loki's running around, #dont @ me on this
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