Rose Tinted | S.R
My gif
Summary - inseparable as teenagers, you, Spencer and Ethan found that as time goes on, friendships inevitably drift apart. But your rose coloured glasses come off when Ethan’s sudden death forces you to re-examine your past and your feelings for the two men who once meant so much to you.
A/N - this is for my Love Triangle Square for @cmbingo
This idea came from 4.17 Demonology. There are some heavy implications of both reader and Spencer being involved romantically with Ethan but this does has a happy ending for Spencer and reader, it’s just a slow burn. For the sake of the story I made up Ethan’s last name, the actor who plays him has Italian heritage so I played into that.
Pairing - Spencer Reid / Fem! Reader (some Spencer Reid / Ethan & Ethan / Fem! Reader
Category - angst with a happy ending, mentions of some NSFW topics (minors DNI)
Content Warnings - minor character death, mentions of drug use, suicide, bisexual Spencer supremacy, mentions of lose of virginity, making out, mentions of sexually activity between both reader and Ethan, Spencer and Ethan and Spencer and reader, mentions of handjobs and blowjobs, mentions of penetrative sex, mentions of pregnancy and terminations, alcohol consumption, swearing, funerals, angst with happy ending.
Word Count - 12.4K (she’s a wordy bitch)
Masterlist
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“Come on you two slow pokes, keep up!” You giggled as you ran on ahead through the long grass.
You heard the grass whipping around your two best friends as they hurried to keep up with you.
“I didn’t realise it was a race.” One of them called with a hint of amusement in his voice.
“How long have you known me, Marino? It’s always a race.” You laughed, forcing your legs to carry you faster.
“You’re too competitive. Not everything needs to be a competition.” He countered, closing in on you.
“You’ll never get into the FBI with that attitude!” You got cocky then.
As you continued to push yourself forward, you spun around to face your friends. One foot crossed under the other and you tripped, falling flat on your back in the grass with a thud.
He didn’t have time to slow himself down and he came crashing down on top of you.
“Oww.” You moaned, his full weight crushing you into the floor. “Jeez Marino.”
He didn’t move. He stayed on top of you, laughing heartily at the look on your face.
“You know your problem don’t you, Y/L/N?”
“I have a whole ass man on top of me?” You grumbled.
“No.” He chuckled. “You get too cocky. You need to rein yourself in or you’ll never be that big time profiler you’ve always dreamed of.”
“Pffft.” You shoved his shoulder but he didn’t budge. “Whadda you know? You’ll probably fail out of the academy your first week.”
His dark eyes sparkled as he stared down at you and it caused a knot to form in your stomach.
He held himself up with his hands either side of your face and his strong biceps peaked out of his t-shirt, his sun kissed skin looked delicious.
“Do you want to put a wager on that?” He smirked, lowering his face a couple of inches closer to yours.
A heat passed through your body and you had to force yourself to not grab his collars and pull him down to smack your lips together.
And maybe you would have succumbed to those instincts if it wasn’t for the sound of heavy panting getting closer and soon a shadow was cast over the two of you.
“Are you two ok?” He panted as he spoke, doubling over and leaning on his knees.
“Fine.” You shoved your friend off of you suddenly before getting to your feet and wiping down the backs of your jeans. “Are you ok?”
Once you were both up you looked at your red faced friend as he fought to catch his breath, sweat gathering on his forehead.
“Uh huh.” He made a pained face.
“You’ve really got to get into shape if you expect to make it in the FBI, books will only get you so far.” Marino laughed, patting his friend on the back.
“He did just complete a PhD, cut him some slack. What other seventeen year olds do you know who could do that?” You tried to be sympathetic.
Both boys looked at you curiously now and you couldn’t help but think what an unlikely trio the three of you were.
You, Ethan Marino and Spencer Reid were as different as chalk as cheese. You’d grown up competing with each other, always pushing each other to be the best version of yourselves but apart from your shared desire to join the FBI, you had very little in common.
You were the unofficial leader of the group and the only female. Being both book smart and athletic you were able to keep up with both boys. You gave Ethan a run for his money quite literally when you trained together and were able to challenge Spencer’s smarts on occasion.
You met Ethan when he was transferred to your high school two years ago and the two of you became fast friends. You met Spencer soon after when he’d piqued your interest when you spotted him in a cafe reading “Advanced Quantum Physics.”
Spencer had just completed his first doctorate in mathematics and was due to start his second after the summer vacation. You and Ethan had one year left of high school before you went off to college. And after you finished college, the three of you planned to join the academy together.
Despite it being summer vacation the three of you were relentless in your training, both physical and mental. Nothing was going to stand in the way of your collective dreams.
“Reid is a special kind of kid.” Ethan laughed, slinging his arm around Spencer’s shoulder.
Spencer blushed a little, feeling Ethan’s warmth encompass him and causing him to feel a little dizzy.
You caught the look that briefly graced your genius friend's face but chose to ignore it, instead pulling your polaroid camera from your backpack.
“Picture time!” You grinned at them, causing them both to groan.
The camera had been a birthday gift from your father last year and since then you never stopped taking photographs of the three of you together.
You had stacks of Polaroids of you all with handwritten dates beneath the pictures. You always told Ethan and Spencer they would be grateful for the memories one day.
But despite the fuss, they always humoured you because they knew it made you happy. Neither of them ever wanted to deny you that.
They gathered next to you, one boy on either side. Ethan wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you in close to his side and nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck.
Spencer stood the other side of you but not close enough to touch you, forcing a smile as the flash went off and the Polaroid whirred to life.
It spat out the photo and you quickly pocketed it while you waited for it to develop.
Hurriedly stuffing the camera back in your bag and slinging it on your back, you suddenly took off running again.
“Last one to the creek buys lunch!” You called over your shoulder.
Ethan cackled before he took off after you, leaving Spencer to sigh.
“That would be then. Again.” He groaned before he forced his tired body to follow in your footsteps.
***
Your eyes locked on the framed photograph on your desk as you cradled the phone to your ear.
It wasn’t the same one taken that day, it was from a few years later on your first day of FBI training.
All three of you proudly displayed your new FBI windbreakers as you beamed at the camera.
Ethan held you in his arms, cradling your neck and thighs as you giggled and Spencer loitered behind you with his signature awkward smile.
Not a week after that picture was taken, Ethan had dropped out of the academy, moved to New Orleans and took up a career as a jazz musician.
Your encounters with him were few and far between after that. A few years later you and Spencer were both recruited to join the BAU and your hectic schedules made it hard to keep up with your old friend.
You saw him where you could, but right now you couldn’t remember the last time you’d seen him.
So when his mother had called you out of the blue, your blood had instantly frozen in your veins.
Spencer must have seen the shift in your demeanour as he was trying desperately to get your attention over the divider that separates your desks.
You spun around in your chair so your back was to him as you continued to listen to the elderly Italian woman fill you in what had happened.
“Thank you for letting me know Mrs Marino. I’m very sorry. Ok. Yes, of course. Goodbye.”
“Mrs Marino?” Spencer’s spoke as you hung up the phone. “As in Ethan’s mom? What did she want?”
You took a couple of deep breaths before you slowly turned the chair back to face him. You believe Spencer knew what you were going to say before you said it.
Your eyes gave it away, he’d always told you he could tell what you were thinking by your eyes.
“Spencer,” you sighed again. “Ethan’s dead.”
Spencer stared at you for a moment or two. They were two very easy to comprehend words but hearing them together didn’t make any sense to Spencer.
“Ethan. Ethan’s dead?” He repeated, the tone of his voice unidentifiable.
“Yes.” You confirmed. “He OD’d. His mom doesn’t know if it was deliberate or not.”
“He was your childhood friend right?” Morgan’s voice startled you both and you looked at him where he stood between yours and Spencer’s desks.
“Yeah, the three of us did everything together.” Spencer croaked.
“His mom wants us to come out to Vegas. She’s having his…body shipped home.” You choked a little on your words.
“I’m really sorry for your losses.” Morgan gave you both a sympathetic smile.
“Thanks, Morgan.” You whispered.
“Thanks.” Spencer repeated. “Do we go?” He turned his attention to you.
“I don’t know.” You glanced back at the photograph. “I don’t even remember the last time I saw him.”
“Three years, seven months and eighteen days.” Spencer recited.
“Of course you remember that.” You rolled your eyes. “We visited him in New Orleans.”
“It was our thirtieth birthday celebration.” Spencer leant back in his chair and stared at the ceiling.
You knew he was remembering it, lost to his memories the way you so often found yourself.
Would you have done anything different if you’d known it was the last time you’d see him? Would you have held him a little tighter when you hugged? Would you have paid more attention to the darkness in his eyes?
Would you have told him you loved him back?
***
The bar was bustling, loud and stiflingly hot. You hadn’t expected New Orleans to be so hot in October.
But it had been a long time since the three of you had been together so you didn’t want to complain. You’d managed to convince Hotch to give both you and Spencer a long weekend off work to celebrate all of your birthdays together.
You were all turning thirty within a month of each other. Ethan was the oldest with his birthday at the beginning of October. You were mid-October, turning thirty a few days ago and Spencer was the baby, born at the end of October.
Ethan insisted you all celebrate together in New Orleans, what he dubbed the “greatest place in the world”.
Spencer had never been a big drinker and was pacing himself as usual while Ethan drank enough for all three of you.
You could see something was bothering him. He was a mess if truth be told and you were sure it was drug related.
You knew of both Spencer and Ethan’s struggles with drug abuse. You’d aided Spencer in his recovery but it was much harder to do with Ethan when he was so far away.
You hoped in time, he’d get himself help but it was clear now, if anything, things were worse.
You wondered if he cared that he was displaying his track marks when he rolled his shirt sleeves up to combat the heat in the bar. Maybe he was too high to even notice.
You remembered how much you used to love his arms. His arms had always been strong and when he wrapped them around you, you always felt so safe.
Spencer glanced at you over his whiskey glass, and you could read his mind. He was also worried about your friend.
You leant close to Spencer’s ear so you could be heard over the loud thrumming of the bass heavy music.
“Stay here ok? I’m going to take him outside and talk to him.”
Spencer gave you a timid nod, not wanting to be left alone surrounded by people he didn’t know but he never was one to disagree with you.
You found Ethan on the dance floor, waving his arms above his head as he moved to the music, but completely out of time.
You grabbed him by his shoulder and he looked at you through glazed eyes. You nodded your head towards the back door and tugged him to follow you.
You shoved open the fire exit and breathed in the fresh air as you stepped into the alley, Ethan close behind you.
“Hey pumpkin,” he slurred a little as he spoke, his nickname for you rolling off his tongue. “Is it already time for me to give you your birthday present?”
He pinned you back against the brick wall, grinding his hips against yours. Before you could speak, Ethan’s lips were silencing you in a slightly sloppy kiss.
You would have pushed him away, you wanted to push him away. But whenever Ethan kissed you, you found your brain short circuited.
His stubble scratched your face as his tongue plunged into your mouth. The last time he’d kissed you he hadn’t had facial hair, it was a new experience.
His hands were hungrily pawing at your waist and you allowed him to push your dress up your thighs.
His lips trailed from your mouth to your neck, to your collarbones and to the swell of your breasts above the neckline of your dress.
And then he dropped to his knees and placed stubbly kisses to your thighs and you moaned, rocking your hips forward.
His fingers deftly moved your underwear aside while he kissed your hip bones. His index finger moved between your folds and it was almost embarrassing how wet you were already.
But that didn’t mean that this wasn’t a horrible idea.
“Ethan,” you panted, grabbing his hair and trying to tug him away. “Ethan, stop.”
He looked up at you, a confused frown on his forehead.
“You don’t want your present, pumpkin?“ he pouted. “We can go somewhere more private if you prefer?”
He got to his feet again and you were quick to tug your dress back into place.
“No. We can’t do this, Ethan. This has to stop.”
He scoffed, stepping back from you and folding his arms.
“Because of Spencer right?”
“What?” You frowned. “Why would this have anything to do with Spencer?”
“Because you’re in love with each other?” Ethan laughed with a roll of his eyes.
“We most certainly are not.” You folded your arms to mirror him.
“Oh jeez, come on pumpkin. You mean you two still haven’t admitted it?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about Ethan. I don’t have feelings for Spencer and he certainly doesn’t have feelings for me.” You huffed a little.
“So you’re telling me he isn’t the reason you and I never made it work?” Ethan narrowed his eyes on you, sounding suddenly sober.
“There are many, many reasons you and I didn’t make it work, E. Spencer is not one of them.”
He let his arms drop to his sides and stepped closer to you again, caging you back against the wall. He placed his hands on the brick wall either side of your face.
When he kissed you again, you were powerless to stop him.
“I love you, you know? I’ve always been in love with you. But he’s always stood in our way.”
Your face fell and tears instantly sprang to your eyes.
He’d never told you that before. In all your years of back and forth he’d never once told you he loved you.
Would it have made a difference? Would knowing he loved you have made you love him?
“Ethan…” you sighed. “Ethan I-“
You were cut off by the sudden sound of a door slamming closed and Ethan sprung away from you.
“What was that?” He looked up and down the alley.
“I have no idea.” Your heart raced. “We should go and find Spencer.”
It seemed like the safest option. Conversations of feelings never ended well with Ethan.
It wasn’t until the next day when you and Spencer were on a plane back to DC that you remembered why you’d taken Ethan outside to begin with.
Oh well, there’s always next time.
***
Flying commercial sucked, there really wasn’t a better word for it.
The BAU jet had ruined you for life. The plush seats and the glorious leg room had spoiled you to the point flying on a commercial airline felt like a form of torture.
Spencer didn’t even look as though he’d noticed let alone cared.
The flight from DC to Vegas was just under five hours, another bone of contention as the jet would have made the trip a lot faster.
Spencer had the window seat and you were in the middle, thankful at least the aisle seat hadn’t been booked so you had somewhere to put your things.
Spencer was reading, his head buried in a book the second he’d sat down and it had been that way for the past three hours.
You stuck your headphones in and let the music be your company.
When you were teenagers, Ethan loved making you mix tapes. It wasn’t until you’d gotten older than you realised they were his love letters to you.
You’d digitised every single one of them a few years ago and created playlists on your phone for each one.
For your flight you’d chosen the one he named “Pumpkin’s Graduation Tunes” which he’d instructed you to listen to the night before your graduation.
You felt a bit misty eyed as the music washed over you. The lyrics to each song all seemed to detail some kind of unrequited love of heartbreak and you wondered how you’d been so naive as to not have realised at the time.
The truth was, Ethan Marino was probably your first love back when you were a couple of fifteen year olds who didn’t even know what love was.
Over time that love had grown into a fondness, he was your best friend first and foremost. But there had always been a small part of you that thought maybe one day the two of you might work things out. You’d always kind of expected that Ethan would be the man you’d marry.
But now he’s dead. And you didn’t know how to begin processing that.
You glanced at Spencer. You knew he saw you looking at him as he clenched his jaw and you saw the vein in his forehead pulse as he did so.
It wasn’t that you and Spencer didn’t get along. You did, for the most part. But you had both always been closer to Ethan than you had each other, although you were the unofficial leader, Ethan was undoubtedly the hub that kept you together.
You and Spencer got along because you had to. But without Ethan the two of you had very little common ground and over the years you’d become much more acquaintances than friends.
You didn’t hang out outside of work unless other members of the team were there, which was probably why this was so awkward.
You sighed and removed one of your earphones. Spencer was desperate to keep his eyes on his book but you knew he wasn’t reading because he hadn’t turned the page in a while.
“Spencer?” You spoke, trying to garner his attention.
You saw his jaw clench again before he reluctantly looked up at you.
“Yes?”
“Is this whole trip going to fifty shades of uncomfortable?” You hit pause on the song still flooding one ear.
“I don’t have the slightest idea of what you’re talking about.” He turned back to his book.
You exhaled loudly and snatched the book from his hands, tossing it on the spare seat behind you.
“Hey! I was reading that.”
“No you weren’t.” You scoffed. “I know it’s been a long time since the two of us didn’t anything together but we were really good friends once. Does it have to be like this?”
“No, Y/N, we weren’t really good friends once.” He shook his head. “You were friends with Ethan. I was friends with Ethan. You and I were not friends.”
“You’re right.” You spat, picking his book back up and tossing it at him. “I would never be friends with such an asshole.”
You stuffed your earphone back in your ear and hit play, cranking it up to full volume.
You could see Spencer looking at you out of the corner of your eye but you refused to converse with him again.
After a while he gave up and turned back to his book. You were right, he wasn’t reading it. Try as he might.
The truth was his mind was somewhere back in New Orleans as his own memories of your thirtieth birthday celebrations dragged him down a proverbial rabbit hole.
***
Spencer didn’t like to make a habit of lying to people but tonight was an exception.
He’d told you he promised Hotch he’d finish looking over some case files he’d especially requested he look over as a favour for him. As such, he couldn’t make it to dinner with you and you’d have to dine alone.
You were both due to meet up with Ethan later for drinks after he got done with a late afternoon show.
That was also a lie.
The truth was Ethan had called Spencer and asked him to meet without you and Spencer never was very good at saying no. Least of all to Ethan.
Spencer wasn’t surprised to find himself in Ethan’s apartment, in Ethan’s bed. It certainly wasn’t the first time, but each time he told himself it would be the last time.
That was probably another lie.
Spencer didn’t realise he was attracted to men as well as women until the first time Ethan kissed him when they were sixteen years old.
It happened completely out of the blue one day when the three of you were hanging out at your place. You’d left the room to use the bathroom and the second Spencer and Ethan were alone, Ethan leaned in close and kissed him.
It had lit a fire inside of Spencer, especially when Ethan had parted Spencer’s lips and gently guided his tongue inside of Spencer’s mouth.
Spencer had grown hard in an instant as the much more experienced boy took the lead. He was sure he would have let Ethan have him right then and there on your bed if it wasn’t for the creaking floorboards alerting them to your return and they sprung apart.
That had been Spencer’s first kiss. And thankfully it wasn’t his last he shared with Ethan.
After that day Ethan snuck kisses to Spencer’s lips every time your back was turned. A few weeks later Ethan had touched him for the first time and at that moment, Spencer knew he was bound to Ethan.
You’d been sick and had to say home and Spencer had been nervous at the thought of being alone with Ethan after the kiss.
They’d gone for coffee at their local cafe and when Spencer got up to use the bathroom, Ethan followed him.
“I thought that was a euphemism.” Ethan had shrugged when Spencer asked what he was doing.
“You thought my needing to use the bathroom was a euphemism?”
“It wasn’t?”
“No!”
“Well I’m here now.” Ethan had smirked at him and before Spencer knew what was happening, Ethan was dragging him into one of the stalls.
This time the kiss was deeper, more passionate and Ethan grinded his hips against Spencer’s allowing Spencer to feel he wasn't the only one who was hard.
Spencer practically whined when Ethan palmed him through his jeans, his legs shaking even with two layers of fabric between them.
And when Ethan freed him from his trousers and wrapped his hand around Spencer’s shaft, the noises he started to make were borderline pathetic.
Ethan’s hand was the first to make Spencer come that wasn’t his own and it happened so quickly it was embarrassing.
But Ethan hadn’t seemed to mind as he just smiled at Spencer and helped him clean himself up.
Spencer was used to Ethan’s touch by now and thankfully lasted a lot longer these days.
Ethan had Spencer’s cock in his mouth, bobbing up and down on it like his life depended on it.
And after Spencer did come down Ethan’s throat, Ethan flipped him onto his stomach and fucked him.
“Happy birthday, pumpkin.” He whispered into Spencer’s neck later when they showered together.
Spencer shuddered slightly at the hushed tones used to utter Ethan’s nickname for him.
“Happy birthday, E.” Spencer turned in the other man’s arms and kissed him under the flow of water.
It was hard to ignore the track marks on Ethan’s arms after spending the best part of an hour naked together.
Maybe Spencer should have said something. But you’d always been better with confrontation.
So when you’d offered to talk to him later at the bar, Spencer was relieved to shirk his responsibility.
But then he’d felt guilty leaving it all up to you, Spencer had first hand experience with drug addiction so it really wasn't fair to have you deal with this. So he’d gone in search of the two of you.
And if he hadn’t, he’d have never known.
Because instead of talking to Ethan about his evident drug problem, you were up against a wall, lips pressed against Ethan’s.
The same lips that had been kissing Spencer not too long ago.
And when he heard Ethan whisper those words to you, he felt his whole world crumble from beneath him.
“I love you, you know? I’ve always been in love with you. But he’s always stood in our way.”
He.
He as in Spencer.
So you knew about Spencer and Ethan and you’d never said anything? And after all this time he clearly meant nothing to Ethan.
But as he forced himself back into the bar, slamming the door closed behind him, he realised he wasn’t hurt because Ethan didn’t want him.
He was hurt because you didn’t.
***
The rest of the flight was spent in silence and it was late by the time you arrived in Vegas.
You hired a car and drove both you and Spencer across the city to your hotel for the next few days.
Grief was a funny thing and it caused a myriad of reactions but yours and Spencer’s were exactly the same.
You both completely shut down. He was the perfect person to talk about what you were feeling because he knew Ethan almost as well as you did.
But he was also the last person you wanted to talk to about this because he couldn’t understand the real reason you were grieving.
He could never understand the confusing yet wonderful relationship you had with Ethan, hell you barely understood it yourself. There was no conceivable way you would be able to explain it to Spencer without him being frustrated that the two of you had kept such a thing from him.
Spencer had always felt insecure in the friendship. He hated it when you and Ethan hung out without him. Even now in his thirties he still carried that insecurity and if you were to tell him you and Ethan had kept such a big secret from him, he’d never forgive you.
And you still had to work together and that was awkward enough at times without him knowing.
Tomorrow the two of you will be going to visit Ethan's mom. Honestly, you’d rather take a bullet than have to see Mrs Marino crying over her dead son.
Maybe coming here was a huge mistake. Maybe some things are just better left alone.
***
“I think coming here was a huge mistake.” You sighed, looking at the incoming call from Spencer flashing on your screen.
It would ring off eventually. He might leave a voicemail you’d never listen to or maybe he’d try and call again.
Maybe he’d try to call Ethan next.
“You’re calling me a mistake, pumpkin?” Ethan exhaled the smoke from his cigarette and blew it up into the stale air.
“That is not what I said. Has all that jazz music affected your hearing?” You smirked at him, placing your phone back on the nightstand.
He stubbed the cigarette out in the ashtray and pulled you closer to him in the bed, kissing your sex messed hair.
His hands ran up and down your sides, sending goosebumps across your skin.
Soft jazz music filled the room, caressing your ears. The windows were open and the curtains fluttered in the soft breeze.
The room was bathed in the soft evening glow and everything felt soft around the edges. Maybe it was all the sex you’d had clouding your brain.
“Don’t worry about him. He never needs to know.”
“I took off from my academy training without telling him. I’m going to have so much to catch up on when I’m back. And you know how stubborn Spencer is, he’ll never help me.” You huffed a little as Ethan pulled you closer.
“You don’t need help. You can run circles around him.” He rolled on top of you, kissing your cheeks and jawline.
He was hard again, pressing against your thigh and making you quiver. You only had a limited amount of time together, there was no need to pretend you were here for anything else but this.
“Physically yes, mentally no.” You punctuated your sentence with a moan as his cock found its way between your legs.
“It’s two days, pumpkin. Loosen up.” He pushed inside of you, causing all your worries to melt away.
He stroked your hair back off your face as he started thrusting, peppering your face with kisses.
But you couldn’t take your mind off of Spencer.
You buried your head into the crook of Ethan’s neck and pictured Spencer’s face. You started imagining it was him on you, his messy hair falling in his face as he kissed you.
When Ethan’s hands wandered over your breasts, you pictured Spencer’s larger, more slender hands sliding across your hard nipples.
You could hear his voice in your ears as Ethan muttered swear words against your skin.
And it sent you spiralling towards your orgasm faster than ever before.
You’d never thought about Spencer in a sexual way before and you certainly hadn’t meant to this time.
But you couldn’t deny that in thinking about him, your orgasm had been more intense than any you’d ever had.
Afterwards Ethan rolled off you, smiling to himself.
“I knew I was good, I didn’t know I was that good.” He chuckled.
All you could do was nod, afraid if you spoke you would give yourself away.
Sneaking around with one of your friends had always been a mess. But sneaking around with one of your friends while thinking about another? That was completely fucked up.
***
Sitting outside Mrs Marino’s house the next morning neither of you were willing to get out of the car.
Ethan’s childhood home held so many memories and although neither of you had been back for years, it felt like it could have just been yesterday.
Walking into that house would bring so much flooding back, so many things neither of you were willing to face.
And it would really hit home that he was gone.
“She knows we’re here.” Spencer spoke after a long stretch of silence. “I keep seeing the curtains twitching.”
“I don’t know if I can go in there.” You gripped the steering wheel.
“Me either.”
You turned to face him suddenly, your eyes glossy with tears.
“But we have to, right?” You sighed.
“I mean, we flew all the way here.” Spencer shrugged.
It was another few minutes before you finally let go of the wheel and forced yourself out of the car.
Spencer followed you up the drive and you paused at the front door.
He stared at the red wooden door and its brass numbers 1021 that he’d stood in front of so many times before.
There was always so much noise coming from inside the Marino house but today the silence was deafening.
Ethan came from a large American-Italian family and there were always people coming and going, the door was always unlocked.
His nonna would always be hand making pasta in the kitchen while his madre scurried about trying to help.
His padre and his nonno would be on the deck if the weather was right, sipping red wine and conversing in fluent Italian.
If his two older brothers were home for the weekend they’d be causing a ruckus and teasing their little brother.
He glanced at you, wondering if you were thinking the same. The look you gave him told him you were.
Your hands were planted at your sides, making no move to knock. You knew Mrs Marino would scold you for knocking, she always had to remind the two of you to just let yourselves in.
It didn’t seem appropriate given the circumstances.
Spencer exhaled a shaky breath and raised his fist to the door. And then he knocked.
***
He knocked on the wood before tugging at his shirt to straighten it out. He flattened his hair down, awkwardly scuffing his toe on the front porch.
The noise coming from inside sounded manic but it always did. That was the Marino way.
Eventually the door opened and Mrs Marino smiled at Spencer.
“Spencer, how many times do I need to tell you? The door is open.” She told him sternly in her thick Italian accent.
“Sorry Mrs Marino.” He blushed a little as he stepped inside the house.
“Sofia.” She clucked.
“Sorry, Sofia.”
“Bambino is in his room.” She motioned to the stairs.
She always referred to her youngest son as Bambino, Spencer often wondered if it was because she had so many family members she couldn’t always remember their names.
He thanked Sofia and headed for the stairs.
He found Ethan on his bed, on his back while his nose was in a book. He was shirtless and a cigarette dangled from his lips, the smoke billowing out the open window.
When he heard the door open, he hurriedly tossed the cigarette out the window before his eyes landed on Spencer.
“Jeez, pumpkin, I thought you were my mom.”
He chuckled, settling back in the bed.
“I’m sure she knows you smoke, E. God knows you always smell like it. And you’re eighteen now, she can’t exactly stop you.” Spencer hovered in the doorway.
“What brings you here, pumpkin?” Ethan patted the mattress next to him with a sultry smile.
Spencer felt his groin shudder as he slowly moved to the bed.
“I uh…you’re leaving for college in a few weeks. I just…”
“Wanted to spend some alone time with me?” Ethan was already cupping his jaw before he’d even sat down.
Spencer felt completely weak.
“Uh…yeah.” He blushed.
Ethan’s lips found his in a hurry and Spencer melted into him.
It was seconds before Ethan’s fingers were working on undoing Spencer’s pants and freeing his already rock hard cock.
He whined into Ethan’s mouth as the other boy started pumping him while his tongue hungrily explored his mouth.
It had been some two years now they’d been sneaking around like this and so far they’d kept their escapades to handjobs and blowjobs.
Today was the day that changed everything.
With half of his family downstairs, where anyone could walk in at any moment, Spencer let Ethan take his virginity.
It was a completely new and strange experience having the other man inside of him. Ethan had prepped him well with both his fingers and his tongue but there was still some pain.
Ethan was big, it was to be expected. He stretched Spencer in ways he never knew it possible to stretch but the pleasure that coursed through his body from each thrust from Ethan more than contradicted the pain.
Spencer had buried his face into Ethan’s pillow which smelled like a combination of stale smoke and Ethan’s cinnamon cologne.
He muffled his cries of pain and pleasure in the pillow, tears pricking the corners of his eyes and soaking into the fabric. His hard dick throbbed between his body and Ethan’s sheets.
Ethan would periodically bow his head and whisper things against his ear.
“You’re so tight pumpkin, you feel so good.”
“You’re such a good boy for me.”
“How do you feel, pumpkin? Do you feel as good as I do?”
He would run his fingers through Spencer’s hair every now again, petting him like he was a dog.
Spencer would be anything Ethan wanted him to be.
With a strangled moan, Spencer came without his dick even being touched, his load sticking between his stomach and the sheets.
Ethan wasn’t far behind him, filling Spencer with his load with one final hard thrust of his hips.
Afterwards he took care of Spencer, making him feel like the luckiest boy in the whole world.
When he was with Ethan, he wasn’t genius Spencer Reid. He wasn’t Spencer Reid with the sick mother and the father who abandoned him.
When he was with Ethan he was simply a boy, madly in love with another boy.
And Spencer wouldn’t change that for the world.
***
Sofia Marino was a tiny little woman. But what she lacked in stature she made up for in personality.
As kids, both you and Spencer found her intimidating. Despite her small frame she had a stern face and was extremely overprotective of her children.
Neither you or Spencer knew if Sofia knew of your relationships with Ethan over the years but it made you both wary of being around her.
Today, as was expected, she was much more subdued than you were used to. She didn’t complain about you knocking, just let you both in the house before first hugging you and then Spencer.
“Thank you so much for coming.” She squeezed you so tightly you felt the air temporarily leave your lungs and Spencer swore he felt a rib snap.
“Of course, Sofia.” You replied in hushed tones.
“We’re sorry it’s under such circumstances.” Spencer added.
When she pulled back she had tears swimming in her dark brown eyes that were so like her sons.
“He loved you both very much.” She sniffed, wiping her hand under her nose.
The sound of her name being called came from the kitchen and she turned over her shoulder briefly before she sighed.
“Excuse me, that’s Ethan’s Zia, mi sorella.” Your Italian was pretty poor but you thought she was talking about her sister, Ethan’s aunt. “Please feel free to go to his room. There was a letter for you. It’s on his desk.”
Sofia gripped both you and Spencer’s shoulders and gave you both a sad smile.
“Thank you.” You smiled softly back at her.
You couldn’t imagine what she must be going through. Although she had three sons, Ethan was always the unspoken favourite.
She squeezed your shoulders before turning on her heels, taking a second to compose herself before hurrying back to the kitchen.
You gave Spencer a look, nodding your head towards the stairs before the two of you cautiously made your way upstairs.
It had been years since either of you had been in the Marino home. But Ethan’s room was like a time capsule.
Sofia hadn’t changed a thing since he’d moved out over ten years ago. The small single bed still had its navy blue sheets you remembered so well, his walls still held posters of his favourite bands, Green Day, The Smashing Pumpkins and Red Hot Chili Peppers.
His desk was a mess of papers with his scrawny handwriting and his old tape recorder he used to record your mix tapes sat on the edge collecting dust.
There were a few Polaroids tacked to the walls of the three of you. A pair of his old battered converse lay by the closed closet door.
The room still held the scent of stale cigarette smoke and cinnamon, although that might have been in your head.
You fell to the bed, Spencer following suit, and sighed loudly.
“It’s like no time has passed.” You leant your elbows on your knees.
“I feel like I’m a teenager again.” Spencer agreed.
You ran your fingers along the bedsheets, the soft satin so familiar under your touch. There were countless times you could call to mind, laying on your back on these sheets with Ethan above you while you clenched these bedsheets in your hands.
You let your eyes glance about the room until they fell back on the desk and you noticed the envelope set in the centre and remembered Sofia telling you there was a letter for you.
You reached for it and picked it up with shaking hands, your fingers running over the word “Pumpkin” scrawled on the front.
Spencer snatched it from your hand and you glared at him.
“Do you mind?” You snatched it back, frowning at him.
“That’s my letter.” He scowled, taking it back from you.
“No, it’s mine…I’m Pumpkin…” you trailed off seeing the look on Spencer’s face. “He…he called you that too?”
“Yeah.” Spencer rolled his lip between his teeth, clutching the envelope in his hands.
“So who’s it for?”
“I don’t know.” Spencer sighed.
You tore it back out of his hands and ripped the seal on the envelope.
You pulled out a sheet of note paper with Ethan’s god awful handwriting and the two of you read it together.
Dear Pumpkin,
After everything we’ve been through the least I could do was give you a proper goodbye. Unfortunately there wasn’t time for that. But I hope this letter will provide some comfort.
The truth is, I’ve been unhappy for a really long time. I thought I could keep up with the two of you, I thought we all pushed each other to be better. But the fact is, I was left behind.
I realised that as soon as we joined the academy. I was never going to last. So I left and I guess things spiralled from there.
It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with addiction over the years. Drugs became my only coping mechanism in a world where I never felt good enough.
I'm not strong like you, pumpkin. I can’t deal with the pressures and stresses that life throws at us. I can’t do it anymore. Every day is like a battle for me and I can’t live like this anymore.
I wish I could have held you one last time. I wish I could have had one more memory of you to hold onto, to take with me to the other side.
You were one of the only things that kept me going this long. You made life worth living for a time but even that isn’t enough for me anymore.
I’m sorry, I hate to leave you like this. But I just can’t go on anymore.
I’ll always love you pumpkin, I hope you never forget that.
All my love,
Ethan
There was a long stretch of silence that followed the reading of that letter. You both read it over several times in case there was something either of you had missed.
After a while you glanced at Spencer, he had tears glossing over his eyes and you were sure you did too.
“So,” you sighed, folding the letter up. “He called you pumpkin too?”
“Don’t pretend you didn’t know.”
“Who’s pretending? I had no idea.” You frowned at him.
“But…I heard you talking outside the bar in New Orleans. He told you that I was the thing that stood in your way.”
Your frown disappeared, replaced by an expression Spencer couldn’t put his finger on.
Obviously Spencer hadn’t heard the whole conversation. He hasn’t heard the part when Ethan accused you and Spencer of being in love with each other.
He hadn’t meant Spencer had stood in his way. He thought Spencer had stood in yours.
You didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole now.
“So you knew about me and Ethan?” You said instead.
“I found you making out so it kind of became clear, yes.” Spencer sighed again.
“He was a hard man to say no to.” You smiled sadly, running your fingers along the bedsheets again. “I lost my virginity to him in this room.”
“Is there room in that boat for one more?” Spencer shrugged meekly.
“I bet he didn’t get you pregnant though.”
Spencer glared at you, eyes widening slowly and his jaw became slack, staring at you as though you’d just sprouted a second head.
“You…you and E-Ethan…you had a baby?” He croaked.
“Come on Spencer, you’re smarter than that.” You rolled your eyes. “We spent nearly every day together. I think you would have noticed if I was carrying a baby.”
His features softened when he saw the sadness spread across your face. He could tell this pained you to talk about.
“You…got rid of it?”
“We were seventeen.” You pushed yourself up from the bed. “We had dreams. I was never going to get into the academy if I had a baby not to mention, Sofia would have literally murdered me.” You chucked but it was a sad laugh.
“Was it his idea?” Spencer stood too, gently placing his arm on your shoulder.
In all the years you’d known each other he’d never been so soft towards you.
“It was a mutual decision.” You shrugged. “He was great. He came with me to my appointment and he held my hand the whole time.”
“Sounds like the least he could have done.” Spencer scoffed.
He picked up the letter from the bed and scanned his eyes over it again.
“He’s been playing us against each other for years.” The realisation washed over him like a wave and he hated that he hadn’t seen it sooner. “And this is him still playing with us. He’s still fucking with us from the other side! He deliberately didn’t use either of our names because he wanted to cause more drama between us. Fuck him.”
Spencer screwed the letter up and tossed it on the floor before raking his fingers through his hair.
“He wanted to be the one in control. We were his fucking puppets.” You sighed but you still had tears behind your eyes.
“You loved him, didn’t you?” Spencer asked with a flare of his nostrils.
“Didn’t you?”
“Maybe. And I’m only now realising what a fucking idiot that made me.” Spencer’s laugh was involuntary.
The situation was far from funny but all he could do was laugh. If he didn’t laugh he would sob and probably never stop.
And you found yourself laughing too.
“Goddamnit.” You chuckled. “Marino, you really played us like fools.”
“I can almost guarantee we weren’t the only pumpkins in his life.”
“Oh most definitely. He was a charming son of a bitch. And so effortlessly sexy. I bet he had a whole damn pumpkin patch.”
This caused you both to laugh harder, to the point it prompted tears to fall from both of your eyes.
Once you both composed yourself you looked at Spencer with a curious expression.
“Do you want to get out of here? Go to the hotel bar and just get blind drunk?” You asked him and Spencer immediately started nodding.
“More than anything else in the world.”
As you left the room you slung your arm around Spencer’s shoulders. Just like the old friends you always should have been.
***
When you woke in the morning the first thing you were conscious of was the fact that your head was throbbing.
You groaned as you tried to open your eyes but the sunlight bursting through the open curtains made that an impossible feat.
You grabbed your pillow and covered your face with it, your groans becoming muffled underneath it.
How much did you drink last night? Judging by your pounding head, aching limbs and dry mouth you would be willing to bet an entire brewery.
Well, you had suggested getting blind drunk. Clearly you’d succeeded. You wondered if Spencer was feeling this rough or maybe given his sensible nature he’d stopped drinking before you.
The whole night had been hazy. You remembered jumping back in your rental car and driving back to the hotel before hauling up at the bar.
You’d been drinking whiskey, whiskey always fucked you up.
You had a vague memory of pulling out an old photo album you’d brought with you, one full of Polaroids of you, Spencer and Ethan.
There had been tears, you were sure of it. Maybe that’s why your eyes hurt.
Without coming out from under your pillow you blindly reached for the nightstand and found your phone. You pulled it back under the covers and squinted a little at the display.
It was a little after eleven am and you had no contact from Spencer yet. Maybe he was still sleeping it off.
You brought up your contacts and located his name before hitting the call button.
And then a phone started ringing from across the room.
You frowned to yourself in confusion and seconds later a groan erupted from next to you.
You hung up the phone, sitting up in bed much faster than your head could cope with.
But when you saw the disheveled man laying next to you, the pain in your head was the least of your worries.
“What the fuck?” You croaked, shoving the shoulder of the body sharing your bed. “What the fuck are you doing here? Get out!”
You shoved him again and he groaned, rolling to the side of the bed.
“Jesus fucking Christ my head hurts.” Spencer practically fell off the mattress, barely steadying himself as he ran his hands over his face.
“What the fuck?” You groaned again. “Why are you naked? Put some fucking clothes on!”
You shielded your eyes from your friend's naked form as he staggered around the room, presumably trying to locate his clothes.
“I assume I would be naked for the same reason you’re naked.” He grumbled.
You suddenly looked down to where your naked breasts were on display. You quickly grabbed the sheets and covered yourself with a squeak as Spencer pulled his boxers over his bare ass.
“No.” You hugged the sheets around yourself. “No, there is no way. We did not have sex. Absolutely no way.”
“The uh…used condom on the floor would beg to differ.” Spencer fell back to the edge of the bed and put his head in his hands.
“What the fuck happened last night?” You groaned loudly, rubbing your tired eyes.
“I think we wanted to finally have one up on Ethan.” Spencer mumbled into his hands.
“And we thought sleeping together was the solution to that?”
“I think that’s exactly what we thought.”
***
“You want to know something funny?” You slurred a little, looking at Spencer over your whiskey tumbler.
“Always.” He smiled a little dopily.
“Ethan thought you and I were in love with each other.” You cackled, tossing back your drink and quickly ordering another.
“Oh wow.” Spencer laughed, swaying on his bar stool. “He really was fucked up.”
“Totally. It was probably just another stupid power play of his.” You hiccupped, taking a sip of your new drink.
“You know what would really piss him off?”
“What’s that?”
“If he was right.” Spencer laughed again, swirling his glass around and spilling some of its liquid over his hand.
“Oh my god, could you imagine? If the two of us hooked up he would go ballistic! Even in death he would never forgive us.”
You both laughed at the thought but somehow Spencer moved closer to you.
He put his glass down on the bar and tried to look at you seriously but his glossy eyes made that difficult.
“We could do it, you know? Just a big fuck you to Ethan Marino.” His breath smelt like whiskey but you were sure yours did too.
“Do you think we’re sober enough to make this kind of decision?” You hiccuped again.
“Undoubtedly.” Spencer nodded. “We should just do it. We should just go up to your room and fuck and hope that somewhere, somehow he’s watching.”
You giggled as Spencer moved closer to you, this time his hand came up to rest on your cheek.
“You’re serious?” You laughed.
“Very.”
“Do you even find me attractive, Spencer? I’m all for having one up on Ethan but we should really be…” hiccup. “Attracted to each other if we’re going to sleep together.”
“You tell me.” He took hold of your wrist and guided it to his crotch where you could tell instantly he was hard.
“Fuck.” You hissed, feeling suddenly sober but of course you were far from it.
“I think it’s obvious I’m attracted to you. But are you attracted to-“
You weren’t sure what came over you but you suddenly grabbed Spencer’s face and crashed your lips together.
Somehow you made it up to your room, still hiccuping as Spencer kissed you.
You fumbled getting each other undressed, your hand eye coordination going out the window several drinks ago.
But at least in your states you still had the forethought to remember a condom.
It was slightly messy, Spencer groping clumsily at your body while he fucked you.
But from the moments your lips touched, neither of you had thought about Ethan even once.
***
“You need to leave.” You kicked Spencer in the back, nudging him to get up.
“Should we not talk about what happened?”
“Definitely not.” You fell back to the pillows. “We are never talking about what happened. As far as I’m concerned nothing happened. So please leave.”
Spencer stood up and turned to face you, the expression on his face unreadable.
“Really? You want to pretend like nothing happened?”
“Don’t you?” You scoffed, keeping the sheets tight around you.
“No.” He shook his head. “For fuck sake, Y/N, I wasn’t in love with Ethan because I was in love with you!”
You saw the instant regret on Spencer’s face as those words came flying out his mouth.
His mouth fell open like he wanted to say more, to scrabble to take it back but he couldn’t get his words out. His eyes widened and he stumbled back a little as you stared at him in disbelief.
“That’s not true.” You shook your head, slipping out of the bed with the sheets still carefully wrapped around you and grabbing your oversized sweatshirt from the floor.
“It…it is true.” He croaked as you slipped the shirt on before turning to face him again. “I remember practicing how to ask you out in the mirror.”
“Stop it.” You folded your arms.
Conscious he was only in his boxers he found his shirt and wrapped it around himself, trying to get the buttons done up.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, but it’s the truth. I’ve been in love with you since that day you approached me in the cafe. You were so beautiful and confident and I fell for you right then and there.”
“So you slept with Ethan?” You raised your voice, looking at him incredulously.
Spencer chewed his lip with a small shrug.
“You clearly weren’t interested in me, Y/N. Ethan…he wanted me.” Spencer looked sheepish.
“You slept with Ethan because I wouldn’t sleep with you?” You spat, completely dumbfounded by the idiocy of your so-called genius friend.
“Well if you put it like it sounds dumb.” Spencer ran his fingers through his hair. “It wasn’t as though I didn’t like Ethan. He was beautiful and charming and he…he…he paid me attention! No one ever paid me attention and it was nice to feel wanted by someone.
You were the person I really wanted to just fucking notice me! I just wanted you to open your goddamn eyes and see me. But you never did! You still don’t.”
Suddenly Spencer was crying and he tried frantically to get his pants on so he could leave.
“Spencer,” you unfolded your arms, softening a little. “I see you. I see you every goddamn day.”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it.” He spat, almost tripping as he pulled his pants over his legs. “You see through me, Y/N. I’m just smart, geeky Doctor Reid to you. Ethan saw me, the real me. He saw the person I tried so hard to hide from the world. But you never bothered to see beneath the superficial. We’ve known each other for nearly twenty years and you have no idea who I am!”
“Spencer,” you tried to grab his wrist before had a chance to push past you but he shook you off.
“I always knew the two of you were hooking up.” He tried to look angry despite the tears flowing down his cheek. “You always smelt like his cologne and cigarettes even though you didn’t smoke. But I just buried my head in the sand and pretended it wasn’t true because I couldn’t bear the idea that you chose him over me.”
“Spencer, please. Can we just-“
“No. We can’t just.” He moved towards the door. “I’m done ok? Just leave me alone.”
He seemed so sad, broken almost, that you couldn’t argue with him. You watched him retreat out the door and close it behind himself.
You fell back to the bed and buried your face in the pillow as your tears silently rolled down your cheeks.
As if it wasn’t enough that you’d just lost one of your oldest friends, you might have just lost the other as well.
***
The sun had set and the moon was high in the sky. After a long day running through fields, trying to beat personal bests, the three of you had settled down by the creek.
Ethan laid on his back in the grass sucking on a cigarette and the smoke danced above him in the still air.
You and Spencer leant up against a nearby tree. You had your legs stretched out in front of you and Spencer had knees pulled up to his chest where he rested his chin on them.
“Truth or dare, Y/N?” Ethan spoke, staring up at the starry night sky.
“Really?” You rolled your eyes.
“I never kid when it comes to truth or dare.” He smirked around his cigarette.
You sighed, stretching your legs out further.
“Truth.”
“Boring.” Ethan rolled into his side, leaning on his elbow and propped his head up with his hand.
His eyes sparkled in the moonlight and gave his smirk an angelic quality.
“I don’t care. Truth.” You were challenging him as much as he was challenging you, staring him down so he knew you could take whatever he threw at you.
“Ok.” He stubbed the cigarette out in the grass. “Have you lost your virginity yet?”
“You can’t ask her that!” Spencer squeaked and if it hadn’t been dark you would have seen the deep blush spreading to his cheeks.
The truth was, Spencer didn’t want to know the answer to that. That’s to say, he didn’t want to know the answer if it was a yes.
“She chose truth.” Ethan was still staring at you.
Of course he knew the answer, he just wanted to tease you.
“Yes. I have.” You ignored Spencer and focused on Ethan.
“Y-you have?” Spencer’s voice was meek and trembled a little.
You turned to him now and shrugged.
“Yeah. It’s no big deal. It wasn’t that good anyway.” You tried to play Ethan at his own game.
“Don’t tell me you haven’t lost yours, Reid?” Ethan’s voice was riddled with amusement.
“N-no.” He wrapped his arms around his legs as if that would shield him from his friends' prying questions.
“Ok, Spencer. Truth or dare?” Ethan sat up, crossing his legs underneath him.
Spencer swallowed. He didn’t want to choose truth because he was scared of what Ethan might ask him. It didn’t occur to him that the dare would be the worse option.
“Dare.” He swallowed again.
Ethan’s face broke out into a large smile and Spencer instantly regretted his decision.
“I dare you to kiss Y/N.”
“What?” Spencer’s eyes practically bulged out of his head.
“And not just a little peck. You have to make out with her.” Ethan looked like he was enjoying this too much.
You rolled your eyes and turned your back on Ethan.
“It’s one kiss, Spence. It’ll shut him up.”
Spencer looked at you like a deer in headlights. It wasn’t as though he hadn’t kissed someone before, he and Ethan made out all the time.
And he’d wanted to kiss you for the longest time. But not under these circumstances.
But you were shuffling closer to him, pulling him towards you by his wrist.
He let his legs fall from where he’d been hugging them to his chest.
You knelt in the grass and settled between his thighs.
“Let’s get it over with yeah?” You smiled softly at him and Spencer nodded dumbly.
If he concentrated hard enough he could pretend Ethan wasn’t there and it was just the two of you.
You put your hands on his shoulders and leaned in close to him. It wasn’t lost on him that you smelt like cinnamon and cigarette smoke, just like Ethan.
But he forgot all about that when your lips brushed against his. He gasped the second your lips touched and you took the opportunity to slide your tongue in his mouth.
Spencer let you take the lead and didn’t dare move his hands, just left them at his sides while you kissed him.
You were surprised by what a good kisser Spencer was, you’d expected him to be sloppy and inexperienced. But he knew exactly what he was doing and it caused a fire to erupt in the pit of your stomach.
Completely forgetting where you were and that you had an audience you moved your hands to his face and deepened the kiss, drowning in Spencer.
He finally moved his hands to your back, holding you against him.
He fell back to the grass, pulling you down on top of him. It was easy to feel he was hard and it caused you to moan into his mouth.
Ethan stared on, lighting another cigarette and feeling his own dick twitch at the sight. He found you both so attractive and seeing you like this together was incredibly hot.
But also, it made his heart ache in his chest.
He’d always known there were deeper feelings between the two of you, certainly at least on Spencer’s part. And if Ethan wasn’t careful he would lose you both to each other.
And he couldn’t have that. Ethan didn’t know who he was without you and Spencer.
Suddenly he cleared his throat loudly and you sprung back from Spencer, panting.
“Whoa guys.” Ethan chuckled as you scrabbled off of Spencer. “As hot as that was, let’s at least save a little for the imagination.”
You and Spencer were both blushing furiously as you put some space between you.
You moved closer to Ethan and he wrapped his arm around your shoulder as soon as you were close enough. You rested your head on his shoulder but you kept your eyes on Spencer.
Ethan shot Spencer a look, one Spencer had never seen from him before. Annoyance? Protectiveness? Frustration?
Spencer watched Ethan place a kiss to your hair but from where he sat he couldn’t hear what he whispered into your hair.
“You’re mine, pumpkin.” Ethan spoke softly into your locks. “And don’t ever forget it.”
***
For two days Spencer refused to talk to you. You called him, texted him, frantically knocked on his hotel door, all to no avail.
Even on the day of Ethan’s funeral he continued to ignore you so you drove across town to the cemetery alone, hoping at least you hadn’t fucked up enough to stop him coming to his friends funeral.
Sofia Marino tried to give the eulogy but became overcome with emotion and Ethan’s eldest brother Angelo had taken over.
“My brother wasn’t without his issues.” He began, tears hiding behind his dark eyes. “He struggled a lot, never seeming to be able to get a handle on life. But he was a good man, he just wasn’t strong enough for this world.”
You’re telling me, you let out a shaky breath as a few tears rolled down your cheeks.
“He was a mischievous kid, always in trouble. Until we moved to Vegas and he met his two best friends who steered him onto the straight and narrow.”
Fuck, where the fuck is Spencer?
“The three of them did everything together, from studying to training to winding me and Luca up whenever we were home.”
That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
“He lost his way. He got caught up in the rat race. And it ended up being his downfall.”
Seriously, where the fuck is Spencer?
“Ti amo, fratellino. Dormi bene.” I love you little brother, sleep well.
You stood in the back watching the family gathered around his casket as it was lowered into the ground. The sun beat down heavily on you, that goddamn desert heat causing you to sweat beneath your black dress.
The Marino family had asked people to bring a small memento of Ethan to be buried with him. You hung back and watched as people cried over his grave whilst tossing in small trinkets and things that reminded them of the dearly departed.
You waited until everyone else had left before stepping closer to the open grave. Your tears were cascading down your cheeks as you fell to the grass, staring down at the casket and an array of items thrown on top.
You saw his old battered rabbit stuffed toy he’d told you’d he’d had since he was kid, probably put in by his mom.
There was a baseball and mit from his brothers.
There were various other items inside, memories from a life cut short.
You clutched the photograph in your hand and silently sobbed.
“Goddamnit E.” you sniffed. “You could have called. You could have called and told me you were struggling this much. I could have…we could have helped you.”
“I don’t know if there was any helping him.”
You looked up to see Spencer standing over you, his suit jacket draped over his arm and the sleeves of his white shirt pushed up to his elbows.
He sunk down next to you in the grass.
“He was deeply unhappy. I think he was born that way, some people are. Don’t beat yourself up. We couldn’t have helped.” He loosened his tie, trying to stave off the heat.
You pulled the photograph away from your chest and held it out so Spencer could see it.
It was one of the first Polaroids you’d taken of the three of you together on your sixteenth birthday.
You all wore silly party hats and Ethan had a mouthful of cake, icing smeared around his mouth. Moments before your dad took the photo, Spencer had set off a party popper and the three of you were covered in its reams of confetti.
You had one arm around each of the boys shoulders, pulling them as close to you as humanly possible. Ethan’s head was on your shoulder and Spencer’s was resting against yours.
You all had big goofy smiles on your faces as your dad snapped the photograph.
“You’re telling me he wasn’t happy?” You pointed at Ethan’s big, cake covered grin.
“The saddest people often smile the brightest.” Spencer sighed.
You took one last look at the photograph before leaning forward and dropping it down onto the casket.
“What are you throwing in?” You looked back at him, tears still slowly rolling down your cheeks.
Spencer fished in his pants pocket and pulled out a silver and gold coin, twirling it in his nimble fingers.
“Is that…?”
“My one year sober chip.” He nodded. “I’ve been clean for a really long time but I still carry this with me.”
“And you’re giving it up, because?” You frowned at him.
“I probably never would have gotten this chip if it wasn’t for him. It’s funny really, he could never get himself clean but he helped me more than he’d ever know.”
“How so?” You found yourself shuffling closer to Spencer, whether you meant to or not you weren’t sure.
“Do you remember a while after Hankel we had a case in New Orleans? The female unsub, Jone’s bar.”
“When we met JJ’s future husband? How could I forget?” You laughed dryly.
“I saw Ethan while we were there. I know I told you I didn’t, but I did. He always did know me so well, he knew instantly that I was struggling.”
“So how are you?” Ethan glanced at him over his whiskey.
“I’m fine.” Spencer scoffed, focusing on his drink and not Ethan’s gaze on him.
Ethan sat forward in his chair, eyes narrowed on Spencer.
“You’re not fine.” Ethan shook his head. “I’m a jazz musician in New Orleans. I know what it looks like when someone’s not well. This may be the one time I can tell you something you don’t already know. You’re surrounded by the best minds in the world. And if I notice…well for a genius that’s just dumb.”
“I told you he always just saw me. In a way I’d never been seen before.” He flicked the chip up in the air and watched it fall back to earth and land on Ethan’s casket.
You stared at the side of his face as he refused to look at you.
“The fact that you think I don’t see you makes you the stupidest goddamn genius in the world.”
He turned to you, frowning, but you didn’t give him a chance to speak.
“You think I only see the superficial? You think I don’t know you?” You pushed yourself up from the grass and Spencer followed suit.
“Y/N I-“
“No, shut up. You don’t cry a lot because your dad always told you it was a sign of weakness, that boys didn’t cry. And even after he left those words haunted you and you were so scared of your mother thinking of you as weak that you bottle everything up until you can’t fucking take it anymore.
You pick at the hem of your jacket or your cardigan when you’re craving, especially during cases we work that are drug related. Most of your closet is full of clothes with seams unpicked because it’s your way of keeping your mind busy and focused so you don’t think about using again.
You don’t like physical contact with people only in part because you’re a germaphobe. But it’s also because you’re too scared to let yourself get close to anyone, even complete strangers because you have such deep seated abandonment issues that closeness scares the shit out of you.
You overcompensate in every aspect of your life. You got three freaking PhD’s to prove you could. You’re kind to everyone you meet, sometimes to the point that you can be a bit of a doormat because you so desperately want everyone to like you. You would literally give someone the shirt off your own fucking back in the middle of a blizzard.
You ramble when you’re uncomfortable because you hate awkward silences. Awkward silences remind you of family dinners when you were a kid and your parents couldn’t even look at each other, let alone talk to each other.
Don’t you dare tell me I don’t see you Spencer Reid. Don’t you fucking dare tell me that I don’t know you. I know you better than anyone else in the world. I feel like I consumed the goddamn Spencer Reid manual. Don’t tell me I don’t see you because you’re all I’ve ever seen.”
You were a little breathless and crying when you finished your rant and Spencer stared at you wide eyed as he soaked in your words.
You aveted your eyes towards the floor, scuffing your toe in the grass under foot.
You hadn’t meant for it to come flying out of your mouth like that but you were so sick of Spencer giving you a hard time for not caring when all you’d ever done was care about him.
You felt him move closer to you and then his finger was under your chin, guiding you face back up to look at him.
He opened his mouth to speak but the words got lost in his throat.
Instead he moved even closer to you, still cupping your jaw and pressed his lips against yours.
You melted into the kiss like it was the most natural thing in the whole world. You wrapped your arms around his neck, keeping him close to you. Not that Spencer ever planned on going anywhere ever again.
As the kiss deepened you felt a drop of water land on your head followed by another and another.
And out of nowhere, the heavens opened and it started pouring.
You and Spencer pulled back from each other, amused expressions on your faces.
“I think someone doesn’t approve.” You laughed, nodding your head towards Ethan’s grave.
“I don’t know.” Spencer stroked your cheek. “Rain is something that occurs without any foreseen warning or sign. It is inherently unpredictable, just like life. Life is full of uncertainty, anything can happen at any time, good and you know…sometimes bad.”
He glanced towards the hole in the dirt, with a small sigh.
“Like Ethan’s death.” You agreed.
“Yeah. Just like that.” Spencer turned back to you, hand still resting lightly on your cheek. “Our whole lives have been unpredictable. What were the chances of you, me and Ethan meeting and becoming friends the way we did? What were the odds we’d all get into the academy and that you and I would both get jobs at the BAU?”
“What are the chances we’d both hook up with Ethan?”
“Exactly.” Spencer laughed, moving slightly closer to you again. “And what are the odds that we’d…that we’d fall in love with each other?”
His eyes were questioning you and you couldn’t help but smile as the rain continued to fall around you.
“I’d say, Spencer,” you moved into him, pressing your body against his. “Those odds were surprisingly high.”
And then he kissed you again in the rain, standing next to your best friend's final resting place.
Spencer was right. Life, like rain, was inherently unpredictable. But you knew Ethan had predicted this happening, probably from the very first time he saw you two together.
And as a clap of thunder sounded out around you, you were sure it sounded very much like a familiar voice.
A familiar voice whispering to you, “it’s about time.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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