After We Collided (2020)
After We Collided is a gloriously ridiculous drama, a film that makes the Twilight franchise seem subtle and realistic. It’s professional-looking, free of bad special effects and devoid of cringe-worthy performances but the plot is so loopy it’ll have bad movie fans howling. You'll laugh twice as hard if you catch this sequel right after its predecessor, 2019’s After.
Though it appeared that Tessa (Josephine Langford) had forgiven Hardin (Hero Fiennes Tiffin) after she discovered he only began dating her on a dare, they've broken up. One month later, Hardin is a mess and Tessa is beginning a prestigious internship at Vance Publishing, working alongside the handsome Trevor Matthews (Dylan Sprouse). Desperate to win her back, Hardin approaches Tessa. Despite her best efforts, she finds herself drawn to him once more.
You know this movie is in trouble when it begins Alien 3 style and retcons away the finale of the previous story. Hardin’s got a heartbreak so severe he’s hanging out with bums. He’s stumbling to his favourite tattoo artist to immortalize the pain he’s feeling. Meanwhile, Tessa has won the professional lottery. On her first day at Vance Publishing (wasn’t that where Anastasia Steele worked too?), she’s given a simple assignment: read 5 manuscripts by the end of the week and let her boss (Kimberly, played by Candice King) know if any are good. What does she do? Read all 5 in one night, at the office. The owner of Vance Publishing (Christian, played by Charlie Weber) finds her sleeping at her desk the next day. He’s so impressed, he brings Tessa with him to a club in Seattle so she can sweet-talk a potential investor. She gets to stay in a company-paid hotel, gets a new wardrobe and is practically on her way to owning the business. It's even more impressive once you realize she only completed one year of university.
A big shocker with this film is the grown-up content. After was PG. It’s only been a year but obviously, the audience for this movie has "matured" and so has the rating. This sequel is rated R, complete with more sex scenes than the entire Twilight franchise and a shot of Hero Fiennes Tiffin’s butt. Tessa just pulled down his shorts and she’s looking hungry. I bet the teenage girls who are watching are about to burst too.
I want to direct your attention to the film’s writers. I don’t recognize Mario Celaya (at the time of this review, this is his only writing credit on IMDB) but I recognize the other name: Anna Todd. The book’s writer is now the screenwriter, and it shows. It’s like NOTHING from the book has been cut unless it was absolutely necessary. We meet a whole bunch of characters whose dialogue and interactions with Tessa tell you we’re supposed to care about every detail of their life, but we don’t. The film is so crammed it jumps from wild development to Tessa and Hardin breaking up, to sex scene, to new development, to breakup - with no pauses in between.
There’s so much to ridicule it's hard to pick the funniest aspect of After We Collided but if you ask me, I’d choose Trevor. He’s supposed to be this series’ Jacob but from frame 1, you can tell there’s no way he and Tessa are getting together. The movie tries so desperately to make him the desirable good guy it’s kind of pathetic. The man’s got no personality except being kind and helpful. He’s a robot’s idea of what a boyfriend would be like - and if you weren’t convinced, the post-credit scene will.
After We Collided is not a good movie. In fact, it’s probably among 2020’s worst but one thing’s for sure: it’s never boring. Delightfully ridiculous, melodramatic and tonally inconsistent, it’s got plenty to offer to bad movie enthusiasts who know what they’re getting into. There are two sequels in the works and I can’t wait. (March 19, 2021)
2 notes
·
View notes