#LIKE I UNDERSTAND SOMETIMES IT DOESNT WORK OUT

[gothlute]

Since you said it was okay to send you asks about Lute (and I really wanna talk about her ajshgs): do you have any headcanons for her as a character, fallenwings and/or guitarspear? :)

Also, as a doodle idea: fallen angel Lute!

I love this so much!!!!

Okay so the fallen angel Lute doodle will be done a bit later since I ordered a graphic tablet and I wanna draw it on it. I'll tag you!

Ive already made a post about Guitarspear headcanons too :D I might post more if I get ideas!

___________________________________________

Lute headcanons.

• Metalhead & likes goth music

• Had an emo phase, obviously, tho she won't admit it

• She's REALLY into music, either listening to it or making it. Adam and her make music together! She can sing and kinda play drums (tho she's a begginer)

• Her favorite bands is Type O negative

•Her favorite colors are black and red

• Super picky eater, and so is Adam

• High IQ, and possibly autistic, she gets told to get tested a LOT but she doesnt want to

• Is SUPER good at make up, she does her eyeliner super fast

• Very very good at strategy games. She's overall very smart and learns fast. The kind of kid to learn how to read super early and then get pissed at other kids because they can't do it

• Super serious most of the time, but the most unhinged mf with Adam because she trusts him deeply. She actually makes almost as much dirty jokes as him when it's just the two of them

• Both bi and homophobic : she was raised in a SUPER religious family and feels attraction to girls but is deeply ashamed of it.

• Had a situationship with Vaggie, but had too much internalized homophobia for it to work. She's SUPER bitter about it

• Pretty interested in mythology

-She's pretty muscular and very strong, she works out a LOT and pretty much all gay exorcists have/had some sort of crush on her (and everyone's aware of it except for herself)

• Wears a band shirt and black sweatpants like 50% of the time when out of uniform

• She would LOVE the Saw movies. They have gore, interesting lore and she'd love to learn about all the traps (she would wanna try them on demons LMAO)

___________________________________________

Now let's dive deeper into the Lute and Vaggie part.

Fallenwings headcanons (sorta)

!!CW interalized homophobia

I don't believe Vaggie and Lute dated. I do think they had something going on though.

To begin with, I think Lute is bisexual, with INSANE. amounts of internalized homophobia and religious guilt. She's plain homophobic, and thinks it's a sin, while ignoring the part of her that likes it. It has been easy at first because she wasn't into ONE specific girl.

But when she started liking Vaggie, everything was way harder. Her feelings were too hard to ignore. She felt genuine physical attraction, to the point where training with her was getting hard. Everything was complicated.

And Vaggie felt this way too. She started flirting with Lute, and even though she felt painfully guilty about it, she gave in.

They kissed a copious amount of times (never in public), slept together almost as much, and genuine feelings were developping for both of them.

But Lute's self hatred was only getting worse, and it was getting in the way. She would rather die than make their relationship official (though let's be honest you'd have to be blind to miss the sexual tension during training), and Vaggie had to constantly remind Lute that it was okay, that it didn't make her a sinner.

She didn't believe it.

She sometimes pushed Vaggie away when she initiated any contact, even chaste and friendly, and got very cold and disgusted to talk to her. Because after all, she's gay.

Vaggie tried to be as understanding as possible, but it was getting too far.

Her and Lute got into an argument.

Vaggie was like "this is stupid, you insist that we hide when we see eachother, you seem uncomfortable and it's clear that you don't really like me SO we should probably just stop". She wasnt that mad just a bit annoyed and sad

Except Lute took it very badly, and got VERY defensive and mad, because Vaggie was right. She got mean and lashed out on her, Vaggie left and they just...stopped talking

Basically, Vaggie thinks Lute used her to "try it with a girl" while Lute had actual feelings, and she HATES Vaggie because she let her see her weaknesses and thinks she's disgusting for making her fall for her!! She was a lesbian after all.

+ She betrayed heaven and it was OVER. It was the proof Lute was waiting for, proof that Vaggie was just a filthy sinner, disgusting, that she deserved to rot in hell, and that Lute's little phase was over, probably a test from God she passed.

Sometimes, Lute still dreams of the filthy sinner, of her sweet words and the warmth of her embrace. She still feels all warm when seeing two girls kiss, she still gets jealous. But she knows better than to indulge in those feelings now, she's a warrior.

#hazbin hotel #lute hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel lute #hazbin hotel rambling #fallenwings #vaggie hazbin hotel #lute x vaggie #vaggie x lute #dangervag #I hate this name LMAO #lute #vaggie #queer

[332-442]

How do you stop coming across as angry 😭

[bedardconnor]

on todays episode of the veteran nhl players on bedsys team wont pass to him while he's wide open, we see how the veteran nhl players on bedsys team wont pass to him while he's wide open

#LIKE LMAOOOO #i cant be the only one who notices this #but also like #i understand bc ppl are like “yeah but the other team totally has a plan for when bedard gets the puck they will just hit him etc.” #Like i Know that #but a good team should also have a Counter play to that strategy #also as defencemen.. while i do like seeing my fav at my position... get him OUT of there he will not shine there #its not even about like just passing to him cuz hes bedard its about just missing open opportunities.. #chicagos set up in the attack zone kinda. sucks. sometimes it feels like im watching the same thing over and over again and it doesnt work #they keep lying on the tracks and letting the train run em over! and run em over! and run em over! #m gonna keep my mouf shut from here on tho bc i KNOW there will be some hockey dudebros that might try to come at me for my SUMMARIZED idea #even tho ive been to coaching and reffing clinics for elite hockey and have been playing for over a decade #connor bedard #nhl #hockey

[ozlices]

o..........oh..................oh no..........ough the scene w his friends at the beginning hits so different after. Kn owing. th ings. OUCHIE

#mine #he right though my boy is so smart. when he's Going i dont understand a single gd word he says #like sometimes i just think abt the first game & im like. #.....................nah literally fr wth was he talking abt. what did he mean by any of that. HOW DID HE FIGURE IT OUT LIKE THAT #HOW DOES UR BRAIN WORK LIKE THAT I WOULDNT KNOW MY BRAIN DOESNT WORK MUCH AT ALL REALLY #smart king he is. i wuv him. #alice in borderland #im not gonna spam ur tags aib ppl. if i have more thoughts ill just rb this post

[dallonwrites]

reblogs off bc i dont want to start Conversations based on other peoples posts but re the whole "who is in control you or the character" question, i find it SO interesting because it's by letting myself discovery write that I (for me personally disclaimer) found the perfect balance between intuition and intention. which to preface "intution" is the easiest way to describe how the inside of my writers brain feels bc often i just get vivid characters/stories/images/scenes with little control at first and i have to figure out what they mean. anyway discovery writing is what works for my brain to make intentional decisions because i need to be amidst a draft to get the Story Cogs working, whenever i try to outline before a draft it's always been just throwing things at a wall bc it feels too far away, but because im also using the discovery element to do that it's like. that's where i think the whole i feel like my characters reveal themselves to me comes from. because im always discovering small bits about them even if i've written them for years just but because discovery writing is also what prompts me to be intentional about writing as i write something it's like both are happening at the same time. so the whole "who's in control" it's like...i don't think control is the right word for me at all because its not Me or the Character it's me trying to understand the character to understand + then write my intentions. like neither me or the character are in the drivers seat because there's no car we are in the middle of the story forest and at first i won't know what it means at all except that it is a Story. and my character will start going one way and sometimes i'll follow and pay attention to where they're taking me to figure out if this is the right path/where to go next. and sometimes i'll figure out how to read the compass first and realise i need to drag their ass in another direction

#anyway i just thought this was interesting because i used to think i needed to outline to be intentional/in control of my story #but outlines are too distant for me to feel like im in control so thats why theyre more organisational than creative for me #whilst we're infodumping on process i also dont like the whole are characters Like Real People or just Story Tools #like yes my characters are tools for the story just like how the story is a tool for demonstrating my characters #like again i dont think its one or the other for me #but i treat them as very 'real' (which this can be another tangent in itself) and intuitive is the best way to describe how i process them #but that doesnt mean there isnt intention and control you know #like the reason i describe my characters and stories as 'real' to me is simply bc they are very vivid in my brain #and that vividness often expands the bounds of the story #i want to go on the 'real' tangent the weight of that word one day #i think this makes sense if u know that for me i rarely get 'ideas' i get images #and characters/relationships #and i have to figure out what that means as a story #also no i dont think you need 'intuition' bc thats just the word i use for myself but i do think you need to understand #how intention works w your writing process and what it means for you to be intentional and what helps you be intentional #and sometimes that will be not considering any form of 'intuition' at all #beloved writeblrs i think i need to launch the dallonwrites substack i cant be doing these tag essays anymore!! i need to expand!!! someone #give me a podcast

[lastoneout]

sometimes I don't think I could be autistic and/or like all that neurodivergent and then other times my fiancé makes a practical and logical argument as to why we don't need a tiny colander that's too small for most tasks and that to save space in the sink/cabinets I should learn to use the medium sized one and honestly we should probably just get rid of the small one and I am filled with such an immense rush of panic and discomfort and grief that I can't even explain it properly until I am saying shit like "the tiny colander is my friend" and "using the big one just FEELS wrong, you know, like going to albertsons instead of safeway" and "next you're gonna tell me I have to use the big soup spoons instead of the little ones and I'll pass away" and I can tell while he does love me and isn't actually mad he def thinks I'm being super illogical and can't fully understand why

like yes I KNOW I am being illogical I am well aware of that...however!! If things are different I will die and if I have to get rid of object that is my friend I will ALSO die, and the only explanation I have is "I like to have things a very specific way even if it doesn't make sense or is less convenient or wastes time and space and changing it is REALLY hard I can't just go "oh you're right" and then change it just doesn't work like that" which is like.....not a great explanation I don't think but that's literally all I've got so???

and like this is legit the only thing we ever "argue" over(bcs we aren't actually fighting we're just talking) it's just him being like "hey the way you do things is inefficient and doesn't make a lot of sense, wouldn't it be easier/make more sense to do it this way?" and then me scrambling to try to articulate "that's fair, but this is the way I do things, I can't change that" in a way that doesn't make me sound dismissive or insane or something which doesn't really seem to work all that well, or like...isn't really getting what I mean across correctly at the very least

#my fiancé is wonderful and we weren't actually fighting #I just have like....I have a certain WAY I prefer to do thing and and specific things I use to do them #and using OTHER things even if they are basically the same #feels like he's asking me to cut my arm off #like he tries to logic his way out of things and I'm like yes I understand the logic #and then he's like 'okay so you're going to do it this way then?' #and I'm like 'no I can't I'll die' #so idk my brain don't work right or something #and I feel bad too bcs like he has to deal with the consequences of me being like this too #like he only brought it up cuz having to do an extra dish is annoying and I agree!! that must suck #and so I want to change to make his life easier... #but using a different collander feels like wearing my jeans inside out #it's not the end of the world but it does SUCK and my brain REALLY does not want to let me do it #I usually do try to accomodate when he points out a different way for me to do things #especially if it like actually makes sense to me I def try to do those ones cuz I agree #but sometimes when it's little stuff I get just a little offended and sad cuz it's like... #is it really such a big deal if I do things in a way that doesnt make sense? #it's so exhausting to try to change #and I'm already trying to deal with my depression and trauma #I don't think I can take not using the small colander even if it doesnt make sense

[pinkcadillaccas]

Man I get wanting ownership of your content and separation from the trash fire that is YouTube and needing a way to fund that but personally I feel like marketing yourself as a streaming service and hiding everything behind a paywall when everything else is increasingly becoming a monthly payment of 5.99 is maybe like... Not good

#like theres better ways to do that which will ultimately honour your audience much more #and actually everything doesnt need to be a celebration sometimes you can go yeah sorry we have to have more funding theres no other way #heres ways you can help us out #or even making it so that the main series are free with ad revenue and you can individually purchase the rest of the content #as series #that would work! and be more affordable! #i just fucking hate streaming services #and like be serious guys if people are having to prioritise between something like netflix hulu and watcher #do you seriously think they'll choose the one with the least amount of variety for their money #like personally i dont pay for any i priate that shit but i dont actually want to do that to them #because theyre not a random faceless company #but i dont watch their stuff enough to pay for it and i know a lot of other people dont either #boo bad decision #good initial idea i understand that i understand wanting to be free of the evil that is youtube #but fucking boo #al is talking

[girlwithfish]

she said some thing abt how I sleep all day and can't do my laundry like I wasnt at work today jfc. literally nothing makes me worth it in her eyes like whatever narrative she portrays abt u is just what she'll say even if it's not even accurate

#doesnt matter that i worked like a normal person today and yesterday and the day before i slept all day according to her #i hate ppl who r liars and act like theyre one thing andndo the opposite or whatever so #my mom acting like shes some huge mental health advocate is so annoying like no tf u arent lol #like ik its getting old and i wish nothing had ever fucking happened to me this past year or my entire life really #But really rhe past year+ fucked me up so bad and im trying to get by #getting out of bed and going to work is doable but feelsnfucking exhausting every day and i barely can do it sometimes #And its like it doesnt really matter in her eyes lol #even tho she wabts to act understanding and like she knows anything abt my mental health and any situation in my life. idk

[end-orfino]

droners might have some flaws but i really think that if someone wants to write a proper rivals to lovers dynamic then they should study whatever hannah and corto have as a reference

#like just. i have heard a bunch of people complain about enemies to lovers dynamics sometimes accidentally turning out to just be toxic #because of the writers not nailing down the jackpot of the hostility from both parties being balanced #and also other reasons. and i myself have my own too. bcs its just not an easy dynamic to write #but genuiely so far? so far these two have none of these issues #their relationship goes from hating each other to considering each other a more respected rival to genuine friends in a great way that- #-doesnt feel rushed or unnatural #and they're unified by having far more similarities than you'd think they'd have at first glance. which was both why they hated each other #and why they work so great now that they're friends #AND their haterism towards each other back when they werent friends was very balanced and equal. they both hated each others guts lmao #and now that they're friends they still bicker but it was said directly that now its just how they act when racing is involved & theyre- #competing against each other. like that one 'best friends off court sworn enemies on it. athletes understand' meme #and outside of it they're genuiely friends and like each other #and EVEN DURING RACING. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MECHANIX RACE #their bickering during the race is pure fun for them they're LAUGHING TOGETHER it's so great #PLUS THE SHOW WENT OUT OF ITS WAY MORE THAN ONCE TO SHOW HOW WELL THEY CAN SYNCHRONIZE. #HOW WELL THEY CAN WORK TOGETHER. #i could say more. i could say more about them. but just know that the droners yuri is real #for the record though they're not. canon. i dont want to queerbait anyone on accident. #but i havent seen a single fan that wouldnt agree that they have something going on there #which even with a fandom this small is saying something

[crimsongrimoire]

hi ive been sick so of course that means ive been thinking about kaeya being sick and sooo pathetic about it again

#crow.txt #kaeluc #genshin #snippets #fluff #slowly chipping away at this even more. Ugh #tbh the bulk of this was written like. last night and just now. i was letting the thoughts microwave with my weird intermittent fever #literally got two vaccines at once and got attacked by a secret third thing (the common cold for the first time in like 4 years) #it was somehow the best week i couldve picked to just COMPLETELY miss work apparently so its fine i guess #sidebote dont try to do taxes while sick. i didnt end up completing them but it was funny i even thought i was capable #is this comprehensivle is this legible idk i just want to make kaeya be miserable and forced to let someone take care of him abt it #that is soup for Me. in my Soul. #kaeya be like 'wtf treating me like a little kid' when he said he wanted to be taken care of in the summer event like 2 yrs ago #other people may have forgotten but i have Not i will Never. this man will complain about having adult responsibilities #and then when someone tries to take care of him or do things for him out of kindness hes like HAHA WAIT NOW HOLD ON- #little fool make up your mind. why are you so everything always #kaeya be like relying on someone for something under no guise of professional matters? in MY life? i dont think so #(diluc jean lisa and rosaria will remember this (and not let him get away with it)) #and klee too but like shes little baby she doesnt even understand any of this and he would feel extremely mean rejecting kindness from #a little kid. so sometimes she brings him her funny little toast for breakfast and he says awwww thank you :)

[joshhere911]

I need to draw saiki with my glasses immediately OH MY GOD SAIKI WITH ALL OF MY GLASSES (in the past year ive had like 4 glasses pop out the lens for no reason before getting my current glasses . My current glasses are so goofy . Saiki experimenting with glasses . SCREAMING AND SHAKING)

#saiki k #the disastrous life of saiki k. #sometimes i forget that he has glasses #not like i Forget but like theyre such a vital character trait i feel like it doesnt point out to me as much #like saying skmeone has two hands its kind of expected #Yk ?? do u understand ?? am i making sense ?? #i have to do work ive just been drawind and writing saiki LMAO

[nomaishuttle]

like itpisses me awfff actually my mom outting me. bc my family on my dads side is like. fairly conservative. and she just went in calling me connor using he him like. dude. do you wanna hse a tiny bit of fuckin tact. i didnt ask her to do that and she NEVER considered what name she should use for me. and like. luckily my extended family Just kinda went with it i think bc they felt guilty for. The zoo. and related events LOL. and theyve been rly good abt it even my papaw and i wasnt sure he would. so yk... but i wish i had like. gotten to choose who knew yk. IDK basically

#like. tbh sometimes i think my mom just likes to pat herself on the back for having trans kids #and like. its not like shes transphobic and i think her outting me is the like. worst thing shes done irt my transgenderism. and she did #the same thing with my sibling Even tho my dad . even tho hes warmed up to transgender ppl in general even tho hes still weird abt it #he does not at all get nonbinary. and my mom just. started using theyrhem immediately. and my dad complained abt it #and like. one time he just started talking abt how he doesnt understand nonbinary ppl and doesnt think theyre real #and idt he realized Lamp is nonbinary but lamp was there while he was doing this and like..ngl zoo part 2 lets have a rematch LOL. #idk. i feel awful for complaining when nothing bad has actually come of it and my mom like. im literally complaining abt my mom not #misgendering me lol. which is dumb as hell. IDK. its just a bit irritating how it all happened #bc it feels like she put her Ally points on a higher priority than like. my safety. brother we live in ky my family is vonservative it #Shouldnt have gone as well as it did. idk. #again i think th only reason it went as well asnit did is bc they all feel guilty abt the whole thing with my dad. teeheed. giggled #common child abuse w. DJRBFJFNFJNGJG #awful thing 2 happen but brother i make it work 💪 rise and grind. #thats all prolly tmi idk idc.

[horrorwebs]

i left her house and party without telling her how i feel or attempting to make a move i feel like the stupidest motherfucker alive

#like. that was my chance. it was THE chance. why am i such a fucking coward #its not like i didnt want to but i couldnt find the way thwre was too many peoñle and i wanted it to be private #so we LEFT for WALK on her NEIGHBOURHOOD that was MY CHANCE. we went to the little park with the swings i REALLY WAS ABOUT TO SAY STH #WHEN ONE OF THE GUYS AT THE PARTY AND HER COUSIN ARRIVED B #TO PICK US UP BY CAR BC SHE HAD TO BLOW THE CANDLES #(<- the party was her birthday cellebration) #like really idk how i am a. so unlucky and b. such a pussy #i think i shouldve been a bit more drunk to have told her right away.but i Was working my way through it to tell her it was just hard yknow #im scared ill ruin things if she rejects me. and i feel like she wants to be with me sometimes and that she likes me. #but other times i feel like im just being insane and she will simply reject me #i think her cousin noticed i like her though. (i dont think this is too hard to notice anyway) maybe thatll help? idk. #half the world thinks we are together and i have to wonder why arent we?i like her n i think she likes me (or at least she has in the past) #so whats stopping us? the fact we r in a band together and want a future on that might be something. she has also told my friend she values #the friendship too much or sth like that (my friend doesnt remember very well) but that then means she does like me! but also shell reject #me possibly! or will she? who knows?!! #anyway i think it wouldnt be that bug of a problem anyway for the band if we are mature about it. even it it doesnt work and we decide its #better as friends in a future. i dont think anything she does or i do will be as bad as 'point of no return bad'. #i believe in us. and i feel like the sappiest mf alive too #but see if youve read this far i think you might understand why im such a coward and so scared of telling her i like her #but i was so close of just bljrting it out or kissing her. i did kiss a bit her neck.... sorry lol. but nothing too um .sexual? it was like #peck. but you ask and how did that happen? well see. we were sleeping together. like on top of each other hugging. my face was on her #collarbone. so i was like there. but i dont think she tought much of it sometimes we kiss each others cheeks or whatever and its just like #or maybe she did. there were pther people on the room anyway so ot was like . weird as well bc of that #idk ots just a very ambiguous zone in which i will die forever if i dont work up some courage #this posts always turn onto rants but i dont speak much about her with my friends unless they ask +im a bit drunk.it embarrasses me greatly #spikeposting #loveposting

[yuukei-yikes]

haruka watches takane eat like a dog begging because he knows she will leave at least half its food. sorry i wrote a longer post in the tags.

#but im also attached to the idea after getting her body back takane indulges in food a lot more #i think generally she's just so glad to have it back she stops taking it for granted and is like oh my god EATING #but it goes both ways same with sensory issues #takane is extremely touch/eating/sleeping averse #but suddenly gets this rush and is like i need to binge eat and hold hands NOOOOOOW #<- haruka's match made in heaven moments but he's smart enough to see takane's like overindulging and is like Ok. let's take a break💗 #takane gets so overwhelmed both negatively and positively like #omg im real!?!?!? AUGGHH to OMG IM REAL YIPPEEEEE!!!!!! #also working on not taking cover as ene bc at first she did and accidently drove itself craz #so shes like trying to work through it WITHOUT having to resort getting out of her body bc no problems are gonna get solved that way #haruka helping her through it all AUUUHCGGH #i have this very particular hc cuddling its basically therapy ok. because its all touchy and it helps her. #as much as it sometimes pains her so it can be both negative and positive #haruka is like :3 but if takane is squirming all uncomfortable he's like do we HAVE to do this youre NOT enjoying it at all and she's like #EUGH DONT TALK I CAN FEEL YOU BREATHING AGAINST ME ITS DISGUSTING #and haruka's like man when you scheduled to cuddle 1 hour a day i wasnt imagining this💔💔💔 #BUT WHATEVER HE WANTS TO HELP SO HE HELPS💗 he just doesnt want her to be all uncomfortable but takane understands she needs it #BECAUSE SHE CAN ALSO LOVE IT IT ALL DEPENDS ON HOW SHE'S DOING THAT PARTICULAR DAY #and as time goes on its more and more that she enjoys it and tells haruka he can now touch her without having to ask first:3 #i think at first its exclusively takane who begins any sort of physical contact not bc haruka is shy #but bc he doesnt wanna put her in a weird situation if she doesn't wanna be touched he probably only dares to like hold her hand. ñ #which is her sleeve. bc she covers their hands. lol #BUT TAKANE RLY COMES THRU i think they rly talk abt all this and she rly comes to him like hi. u can touch me without asking if u want. #and haruka's like ?? U MEAN I CAN KISS U WITHOUT ASKING??? AND TAKANES LIKE YEAH!!!and haruka's like OH MY GOD!!!!!!! #hey. sorry for being insane. i have very particular headcanons that i need to share i NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND ME #did anyone read all these damn tags #god idk why i dont write this as the post itself but then i cant go and copy the tags. what a nightmare #kagevinnie #headcanons

[oscill4te]

I know journaling is helpful esp if you have memory problems, i always avoid looking back at my journals honestly. but damn.. Reading my 2022 shits been so painful.

2023 genuinely was a much better year even if did spend much of it cooped inside my room, looking at a screen. Hoping for an even better 2024. I know its only October but hey. Im always jumping ahead a few months mentally. It may as well be winter already as far as Im concerned. I want to get this winter over with. I feel very hopeful for 2024 for some reason

#2023 is good its just a very hazy blur. i was thinking not using weed would help but nah. ive always been like this #weed didnt make my memory worse its always been shit it seems #reading these entries like “when did that even happen..?” #there are a lot of things in my life I want to change #im just glad i stopped using weed. looking at my 2022 experiences is kind of... making me feel compassion :( #weed dependency + risky sx was my escapism go-to in 2022 and now in 2023 it is cartoons and loud music #i think its safe to say i am gettint better. im learning to appreciate life again without being high. i got out of an abusive relationship #im focusing on me. maybe to a very unhealthy degree. but im doing things that make me happy when i can. im cooking amazing food #im drawing a lot. increasing communication w alters. working on how to handle my cptsd. im getting better even if it #doesnt look like it #self indulgent but i think i will be happy looking back on this one day. to future E; you got this #and hopefully u won't be doomscrolling in 2024 but even if you are. its so very understandable. lol #only today am i realizing after rereading old diary entries... im genuinely more stable even if it does not look like it #the amount of dissociation it takes for me to stay stable is sad though. id it even genuine stability at that point? im not sure #but im keeping afloat financially. homewise. at work. even if i feel like life is ripping me at the seams sometimes #but who doesn't feel like that #i think its safe to say i am reaching some type of stability. even if it easily crumbles apart. at least it is there.. #txt

[steampoweredskeleton]

My physio wants me to go outside and walk every day. I feel like I should have warned her that the likelihood of me having that kind of energy is incredibly small, and even if it's there, that energy needs to go towards shit like cooking before trips outside

#delete later #it makes me feel lazy sometimes that i hsve so little energy but at thr same time i know that its not my fault #trying to keep a good level of functioning in terms of self care like eating and washing and chores is already really difficult #whilst working full time. i may have the energy for every other day after the flat inspection. tonight i need to reserve energy for #tidying and shit before that. im so tired i legitimately had to fitce myself not to lie down earlier bc i knew I wouldn't be getting back u #idk what the fuck is wrong with me but this is how ive been since i was like 11/ #12 and had to lie down after school #i also keep teetering on the edge of a real freak out. ive been switched to probrct management again so im doing a bunch #of emailing abd communicating and checking. most of which doesnt have concrete answers and relies on understanding #whst ppl are trying to say in their survey responses. which i rly rly struggle with. and on top of that several things #have changed this week at work ahd its impacted my workload sbd responsibilities a lot so im trying to breathe theough it #but im incredibly frustrated and stressed and overwhelmed and having to spend at least a couple hours under weighted blanket each day #most ofbthe tine i dont require the weighted blanket its just nice. i require it right now. frustrating