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andrewmoocow · 5 months

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Steven Universe Snake Eyes chapter 11: The Ultimate Fusion (originally published on November 6, 2023)

AN: Happy tenth anniversary to Steven Universe. For my anniversary present, I bestow upon thee the penultimate chapter of not just Steven Universe: Snake Eyes, but also the entirety of Steven Universe: Alternate Future. It truly is a pain to let this story go after three years, but as a wise man once said, all good things must come to an end. With the plotline involving the development and redemption of Black Rutile now come full circle, it's time we finally address Steven's relationship with the Diamonds before they go off and save the universe from a planet-eating snake demon. It's going to take an awful lot of work to forgive beings as powerful as the Diamonds, but if Steven was able to accept Black Rutile's apology, then anything is possible, right?

Synopsis: In a last-ditch effort to save all reality, the Diamonds must fuse together in order to stand a chance. However, Steven still has some baggage with the other Diamonds to deal with.

Cast:

Zach Callison as Steven

Patti LuPone as Yellow Diamond

Lisa Hannigan as Blue Diamond

Christine Ebersole as White Diamond, Gem

Noël Wells as Black Rutile

Samantha Newark as The Lapidarist

Estelle as Garnet

Michaela Dietz as Amethyst

Deedee Magno-Hall as Pearl

Grace Rolek as Connie

Jennifer Paz as Lapis

Shelby Rabara as Peridot

Uzo Aduba as Bismuth

Kimberly Brooks as Jasper

Lauren Ash as White Topaz

Matthew Moy as Lars

Zach Steel as Ronaldo

Atticus Shaffer as Peedee

Ron Perlman as Inner Steven

Aurelio Voltaire as King Cobralan Jormagundr

Jason Marsden as Prince Nosiop Jormagundr

Shirley Millner as Queen Constricta Jormagundr

Cissy Jones as Princess Naja Jormagundr

Keith David as Pyth

Henry Rollins as Captain Boa

Kari Wahlgren as Envyrno

Nicole Sullivan as Sylvia Spectre

Peter Cullen as Titanium

Steve Blum as Sheriff Spiegel

Dominic Armato as Captain Gearfeet

Wally Wingert as Rigby Starglow

Ray Porter as Squamata

Tim Curry as Velhallen Beo

Featuring Elton John as Stars

Weird Al Yankovic as Stevaldo

And Jack Black as Rutilated Quartz

Steven was still processing what he had heard earlier. Him fusing with the Diamonds? Perish the thought! Sure, he was always up for helping others, even former enemies. Still, after all that the Diamonds had done to him, his family, and most of the known universe, it was way more challenging for Steven to accept that they were coming to him for help rather than him coming to them. He needed some time to think about this while everyone was preparing for the final battle with Squamata.

"So now they want my help after all they've done to me?" Steven angrily muttered to himself while pacing around the throne room. "Oh sure, I've allowed Black Rutile to repent, but it's going to take more than just saying sorry to make up for thousands of years' worth of genocide!"

"Problems, Steven?" Inner Steven asked from within Steven's mind. "Frankly, I'm quite surprised that those Diamonds are asking you for help for once instead of you asking them. And they couldn't have picked a worse time to do it, too."

"And now I have to fuse with them in order to save the universe!" Steven agreed with his darker half. "While I'm more than happy to find a way to stop Squamata once and for all, I'm not sure how this can work, given all my baggage!"

"Worst case scenario, the fusion fails astronomically, and we all die." Inner Steven proclaimed. "Just being realistic here. But then again, no one ever listens to the darker impulses of the self. And speak of the devil. Look who it is!"

Just then, Black Rutile stepped into the throne room, obviously still adjusting to her reforming into a Crystal Gem after sacrificing herself to protect Steven. In addition to the blank spot where her diamond symbol once was now being filled by the star of a Crystal Gem, Black Rutile's cape was now replaced with an all-white trenchcoat with pink details and a star on the back, dark gray trousers, and her original green visor to replace her red one.

"Hello again, Steven." Black Rutile awkwardly greeted. "It's me again, Black Rutile. I always come back and all that. Something the matter?"

"Go ahead; I'm sure you can trust her now." Inner Steven advised while figuratively shoving Steven towards his former enemy. "If you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together."

"So, Black Rutile, how are you adjusting to things?" Steven asked Black Rutile.

"I'm slow to adjust, like always." Black Rutile replied. "Love the new look, though. So, you have to fuse with the Diamonds to save reality, huh?"

"Exactly." Steven added sourly. "You know how fusions must involve total cooperation between its components to stay fused? Yeah, I don't think that's possible between me and the Diamonds."

"I can totally understand where you're coming from." Black Rutile stated. "I felt utterly betrayed by the Diamonds, too, but if they could give me a second chance, then surely you can do the same to them!"

"But you're different!" Steven exclaimed to his now-former enemy. "You were at least able to recognize that you hurt me and are working to make amends for that. They're focusing more on everybody else they hurt and always act like they've been friends with me from the beginning!"

"You're kind of vindicating one of the reasons I hated you right now." Black Rutile snarked. "The universe doesn't have to revolve around you, you know! You have to consider everyone else in this world, too!"

"Yeah, maybe I can be selfish, but at least I don't have an entire planet forced to worship me, or else they'll die!" Steven argued. "Why can't they just focus on what they did to me for once?!"

"Because it's not as simple as you think, Steven." Black Rutile stated with her arms folded. "This kind of stuff gets messy, and everybody's got issues, especially the Diamonds." She then looked down at where her diamond symbol used to be, nostalgically reminiscing on her time as a member of White Diamond's court. "And sometimes, they screw up. But that doesn't mean they won't just pretend like it didn't happen." Black Rutile offered a tender pat on Steven's shoulder. "Try to cut the Diamonds some slack. They may not always get it right, but they're trying. That's more important than you think."

"Wait, I think I got an idea!" Steven exclaimed in realization while he ignored Black Rutile. "What if I don't need to fuse with the Diamonds to save us all?!"

"You have got to be kidding me." Black Rutile grumbled with a facepalm. "Okay, fine, let's see whatever harebrained scheme you have, I guess."

"I admire that you made me take time out of my schedule to bring me here, Steven, but what is this for?" the Lapidarist asked as she sat in front of Steven, Black Rutile, Lars, and Ronaldo at the abandoned Ouraborium. "Whatever you have planned, please make this quick. We are preparing for war."

"Listen, Miss Lapidarist, I know we don't have much time, but I want to show you some alternatives to fusing with the Diamonds." Steven announced.

"It's his way of saying he's not ready to fuse with them yet because of his leftover baggage." Black Rutile snarked before Steven pushed her aside and then turned to Lars.

"She raises a good point, you know." Lars agreed with Black Rutile. "You can't just ignore your feelings about someone like that!"

"No, no, I bet people have wanted to see this for a while." Ronaldo said as Steven took Lars's hand and the two fused into a tall, pink-skinned man with crazy, 1970s-styled hair and dressed like he was the leader of a lonely hearts club.

"Oh, my stars!" the newly formed fusion of Steven and Lars gasped in amazement with a British accent. "Hey, that sounds like a pretty good name! That reminds me, I wanna test something." With a loud yell, Stars created a portal he jumped into, with another allowing him to land on the Lapidarist's shoulder. "Pretty impressive how I'm thinking with portals, eh?" He then summoned a large bass guitar from his hair to swing through the air like a sword before crashing down onto the ground with a big 'TWANG!'

"So cool!" Ronaldo cheered. "Do me next, do me next!"

"Okay, love, don't get so impatient." Stars laughed before un-fusing into Lars and Steven, who gave Ronaldo a high-five before the two merged into an equally tall man who was very bizarrely dressed, fitting Ronaldo's eclectic interests, with outrageously curly hair.

"Whoa, I look so stupid!" the fusion of Steven and Ronaldo laughed jokingly. "Wait, I am Stevaldo! I dare to be stupid!"

"Guys, where are you?" Peedee called for Steven and Ronaldo as he entered the arena. "The Gems want everybody together to stop the Lapidarist. Don't keep us-"He stopped himself immediately upon seeing Stevaldo in front of him with a big goofy grin as he began playing the accordion. "What just happened?"

"Check it out, Peedee, it's me, Ronaldo!" Stevaldo eagerly said. "I fused with Steven, and it feels super cool! Check out what I can do!" With his fingers to his temples, Stevaldo manipulated the rocks beneath him and used them to form a message saying, 'I AM STEVALDO!' "Pretty cool, huh?!"

"So when are you going to fuse with me?" Peedee asked.

"Maybe when he realizes he's using fusion to get out of making amends with the Diamonds." Black Rutile answered with a smirk. "But what do I know?"

"Is this true, Steven?" the Lapidarist wondered as Steven un-fused with Ronaldo. "Are you that uncomfortable around the Diamonds?"

"Yes, you got me, I am uncomfortable." Steven confessed. "I'm happy that we were able to convince them to heal all the corrupted Gems, a little easier than I thought, but that still doesn't distract from the fact that they were this way because of the Diamonds to begin with! And that's not even getting into how their treatment of Pink led to the rebellion, which led to so many lives being ended over thousands of years!"

Steven resisted the urge to cry as he poured his feelings out until the Lapidarist patted him on the head with her giant hand. "There there, Steven." She calmed him down. "Forgiveness and compassion shall always take time. So until the time comes for everyone to apologize, it's best to remain optimistic. In the meantime, you should be helping your friends save the universe."

"You're right." Steven sighed in resignation. "I can't dance around this any longer."

"Okay, everyone, double time, we ain't got much left to do here!" Amethyst yelled as she gave orders to all the members of the army of Gems, humans, Slytherophidians, Metals, and other assorted creatures from across the universe, all vastly different but still united against a familiar foe who desired nothing more than to destroy everything he saw. Friends, families, planets, and even entire galaxies were all in danger of being consumed by this mad god and his heralds. "Come on people, let's go go go!"

"Already got all the Gems ready!" Lapis declared with the Little Homeworld Gems behind her. "You ready, guys?!"

"YEAH!" the Little Homeworld Gems all cheered in reply.

"So this is it." Envyrno proclaimed. "These are the end times."

"At least we all had fun while we lasted." Sylvia Spectre answered sweetly as she contacted her superiors at the Coalition of Galaxies to assist in the final battle. "Now then, are you ready to help others for once?"

"Guess I got no other choice." Envyrno responded with a smirk.

"In any war, there are calms between storms. There will be days when we lose faith." Titanium gave a rousing speech to the other Metals. "But there are also days when a few brave souls unite to save the universe. We can be heroes in our own lives, every one of us, if we only have the courage to try. Now, we must take strength in kindred spirits, not of our species, all true warriors. If not in body, then in spirit. I am Titanium of the Metals, and I send this to the fearsome Squamata. Leave this universe alone. Because we're coming for you."

"Rigby, it's been an honor meeting you." Captain Gearfeet said to Rigby Starglow with a grin. "Say, can you sign my arm? I want to prove to my crew that I was lucky enough to meet you!"

"Okay, you got me." Rigby smirked as he took out a pen and wrote his signature on Gearfeet's cybernetic arm. "Who knows? Maybe we'll run into each other again someday."

"One last call before the apocalypse, everyone!" Sheriff Spiegel said while passing around a flask of alcohol to Deputy Edward, Monty, S-L1M3, Lady Imagineer, the Decimator, Earthos, and Michelle Angelon. "Anybody care for a sip?"

"I'm good." Jasper said as she turned to White Topaz. "Now, are you sure you're comfortable having to work alongside you-know-who again, dear? If you want, I can poof her again."

"No, don't be such a worrywart, honey." White Topaz said before kissing her girlfriend on the cheek. "If she says she wants to change, I trust her with all my heart. Besides, if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be wearing this sick number." She did a twirl to show off her new reformed outfit, now a black wrestling singlet with a big white star on her chest. "You like it?"

"Really fits you." Jasper said before she saw Steven and Black Rutile reunite with the others. "Steven! I've been wondering where you ran off to."

"Is everything alright?" Pearl asked. "We know you're a little uncomfortable around the Diamonds, but we're also aware that you really don't have a choice in the matter. If you're ready to talk with them, we'll make sure that they have enough time to- "

"You're too late, Steven." Garnet bluntly stated. "The Diamonds are already shipping out with the Jormagundrs to face Nosiop." As Garnet concluded her sentence, Steven turned to see the Diamonds, along with Spinel, Hessonite, Citrine, and the royal family, flying off in a big warship outside the castle walls. "Tough break."

"Doesn't matter, as long as all of us are still together." Steven declared. "The Diamonds can wait; we got a universe to save!"

"You got that right." Black Rutile said as she drew her sword and stood alongside the Rutile Rebels, both past and present. "Buckle up, Lucent Gems, today's the day we make a change!"

Within an hour or so, more warships began arriving from Alethinophidia, carrying the defenders of Serpentes toward the final battle with Squamata. One ship housed the Crystal Gems, the Rutile Rebels, now dubbed the Lucent Gems, Lars and the Off-Colors, the various competitors in the Contest of Champions, Bialyoom & Meinerr, Aescul, and the Fryman brothers. Another carried the Diamonds, Spinel, Hessonite, the Jormagundr royal family, the Universal Lords, Captain Boa, Flipso, and the Black Pearl Brigade. Finally, a third ship was transporting the Metals into battle.

Squamata and his heralds all turned to discover the three ships in the distance as they descended to the ground and their respective passengers disembarked for the final battle. Meanwhile, the Lapidarist appeared from above in a flash of light to lead the resistance against Squamata.

"So, you finally show yourself, my dear creator." Squamata sneered with a hiss. "What can one speck of light illuminate within the dark abyss that is I, Squamata? Countless stars. Countless worlds. Countless lives. All fell to me, all brought to nothing, and all because of you." With an ominous glow in his eyes, the god of snakes summoned an unstoppable army of darkness to aid in his destruction of the universe. "You and your kind have tried so hard to keep your sins hidden away that you had no idea that there would be souls of darkness who wanted to unleash my wrath upon the universe. You simply could not live with your own failures, and where did that bring you? Back to me."

"You will find that mortals are far more resilient than you believe, Squamata." The Lapidarist declared with a speech of her own. "Look at these people, these mortal beings. Consider their potential! They have done so many amazing things with the short time they have in the universe, yet they always made the most to ensure a brighter future for all! And that future involves you dying once and for all!" She raised her arm to the sky. "CHARGE!"

With that, the Lapidarist's armies raced into battle for the fate of all reality. In the process, Lapis and Jasper fused into Malachite, Cat's Eye and Holly Blue fused into Chrome Chalcedony, Cinnabar and her crew combined into Painite, Black Rutile, and White Topaz fused into Lepidolite, Aquamarine, and Eyeball fused into Bluebird Azurite, and Steven and Lars fused into Stars.

"Okay, just gotta tell the Diamonds I'm not interested!" Stars muttered to himself as he tried running over to Yellow Diamond. "Uh, hey, Yellow, can we talk?"

"Not now, Steven, saving the universe here!" Yellow exclaimed while repelling an army of shadow creatures with a wave of her hand. "Blue, back me up here!"

"Already on it!" Blue replied while firing lasers from her palms. Disappointed that he couldn't talk to the Diamonds yet again, Stars instead focused on helping the other Crystal Gems against Squamata's heralds.

"Hey Steven, neat new fusion!" Peridot complimented Stars's look.

"Thanks, love." Stars replied before summoning his star-shaped bass to fight off the invading army.

"Wait, Steven can fuse with humans other than him and Greg?" White Topaz asked while she and the Lapides held up a water shield to help defend the Metals.

"I guess so." Connie replied. "Bismuth, on your left!"

"Got it!" Bismuth yelled while smacking Velhallen Beo away with a hammer fist.

"Blast you, Gem scum!" Velhallen snarled before lunging at Garnet like a predator. "I've waited centuries to kill a Gem! And you have the honor of being the first!"

"Not quite." Garnet smirked in response. "Malachite, now!" Malachite then took Beo by surprise by snatching him from midair with a water claw and tossing him straight at Torius Vosania.

"Playing hardball, eh?" Beo smirked while firing a giant purple energy beam from his hands that White deflected with her laser eyes, prompting a beam struggle between the two.

Meanwhile, Cobralan, Constricta, Naja, and Boa all stood face to face with Nosiop, Pyth, Mr. Manco, and Torius, the royal family ready to free their son and brother from the Serpent Society's clutches and be a normal family again. "Nosiop, I know you're still in there, my boy." Cobralan reached out to his son. "Please, let your old man into your heart and listen to him."

"Me listen to you?!" Nosiop yelled angrily. "You never listened to what I had to say, so why should I do the same? I legitimately wanted to change our society for the better, but you were so stuck in your traditional ways that you never noticed your own family's feelings!"

"You know, father, he raises a good point." Naja stated.

"And that's why I wanted to talk to you, Nosiop." Cobralan added. "A human told me that I wasn't the best parent towards you. He knows from experience, for he is a father much like me, a father who also debated with himself on whether he was a good parent to his son. But at the end of the day, he accepted that no matter how much he treasured his child, he still needed to grow and change as a man himself. So please, my boy, let me try to be a good parent, and maybe we can work things out. Let us slay Squamata, and together, we can work towards a brighter future for our people."

Nosiop's face dropped as he gazed at his father, now repenting for his past problematic treatment of his son. He finally acknowledged his ignorance of his son's wants and now wanted to make amends. It almost brought a tear to Nosiop's eye and made him want to drop his weapon and return to his family with open arms. But unfortunately, destiny had other plans.

"I believe you've talked with your boy long enough." Pyth smirked while grabbing Nosiop by the shoulder. "Perhaps before you two are reunited, he should slip into something more comfortable. Oh, Squamata! I got a new vessel for you!"

"Excellent, my priest!" Squamata grinned eagerly before he zoomed straight into Nosiop's body through his mouth, forcing his spirit into the young prince and possessing him like the demon he was. As Nosiop was now possessed, his original self was locked away within his mind, and Squamata took control, allowing his new body to grow exponentially in size. With a sadistic grin, Squamatia took his body for a spin by laying waste to the rebellion surrounding him, smacking his tail around and firing lasers from his mouth. "Oh, this is most excellent!"

"Nosiop, sweetie!" Constricta yelled in horror before running for cover.

Before Squamata could cause any more harm to the rebellion, one fusion was brave enough to stand up and defend his friends from harm. Steven immediately un-fused with Lars and fused with Ronaldo so Stevaldo could summon a giant shield to protect them. "Stay away from my friends, Squamata!" Stevaldo announced. "I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the one character in a superhero comic who is genuinely skilled in his own right yet is useless compared to the gods he surrounds himself with! I am Stevaldo, ally to good and nightmare to you!"

"Oh, another fusion with a human?" Squamata smirked in Nosiop's body. "I must admire your creativity, Steven Universe, but it shall not be enough! Bring me the ultimate fusion!"

"Now is your chance, Diamonds, become Gem!" Squamata urged Steven and the Diamonds. "Of course, there is something you need to address first."

"Right." Stevaldo said before un-fusing as Steven continued holding up the shield. "I know you've heard this way too many times before, but the reason why I'm so uncomfortable around you guys is that even though you're trying to make a change, you still don't understand what you've put me through with how you treated Pink and what you did to all those species through covering up what you did!"

"We don't understand? Are you kidding? Us? Of course, we understand. I mean, do you call this a war, this funny little thing?" Yellow declared, snapping Steven out of his funk. "This is only a small scuffle compared to what we endured!"

"We did worse things than you could ever imagine! And when I close my eyes, I hear nothing but the screams of the Gems who gave their lives for us!" Blue added worriedly.

"And you know what you do with all that pain? Shall I tell you where you put it?" White added, clenching her hand for extra emphasis. "You hold it tight till it burns your hand! And you say that no one else will ever have to live like this! No one else will ever have to feel this pain! Not on my watch! So go on, hate us all you like, but that won't change the fact that you would never exist without us! We need you as much as you need us! We're sorry for abusing you for what Pink did! Please forgive us!"

"That's all I needed to hear." Steven smirked in acceptance as he held out his hand to finally make amends with the Diamonds. The other three Diamonds each placed their finger on the hand, and in a brilliant flash of white, yellow, blue, and pink light, Gem was finally reborn after thousands of years.

"I-I'm whole again." Gem gasped while gazing at her massive hands and her surroundings. "I know what I must do." Without even thinking first, Gem zoomed towards Squamata with speed rivaling that of the speeds of light and sound combined before grabbing the possessed prince of Serpentes by the tail and spinning him around in the air before slamming him to the ground. "TAKE THIS!"

"Ah, the original Gem, long have I waited to see you!" Squamata snarled in joy before charging at Gem and attempting to bite her in the forearm, but Gem thought quickly and slapped him away. "Yes, this is just the fight I wanted!"

"It's time for you to surrender, Squamata!" Gem boomed while preparing another. "Let Nosiop go, or we will make you pay the price!"

"However, there is but one mistake you Gems fail to notice." Squamata smirked. "You never know when you'll be taken by surprise." At that moment, Squamata seemed to disappear, and in the next moment, the Lapidarist let out a loud shriek of agony as she keeled over while poison began to spread through her body. "Let us see how you fare without your god to save you!"

"Oh no, Rebeugar!" Gem yelled as she raced back to where the Lapidarist had fallen and un-fused into Steven and the Diamonds to try and save her.

"Thank goodness you got here in time." Captain Boa stated. "I don't think she has much time left after an attack like that took her by surprise."

"Hold on, I can fix this!" Steven exclaimed as he tried using his healing spit to cure Rebeugar of the poison, but to his shock; it didn't seem to work. "Oh no, what's happening? My spit isn't working!"

"That's because Squamata's poison is so lethal; not even your spit can stop it from killing its victims." Cobralan said remorsefully as he laid the Lapidarist to rest. "You can rest now, milady. We'll take it from here."

"I do not know what'll happen after I die. But I know that you are reality's last hope." The Lapidarist said weakly while gazing at Steven and Black Rutile one last time as the poison began killing her. "I was wrong. You two shall make the ultimate fusion that will save us all. My time is short, but I shall leave you with one final message. Everyone, I urge you all, one final time. Believe in Steven."

As the Lapidarist finally died in a flash of light, Steven and Black Rutile looked at each other, knowing exactly what to do. "Are you ready?" Steven asked while offering Black Rutile his hand. "Do you trust me?"

"I do." Black Rutile answered before taking Steven's hand, and the two danced together, glowing so intensely that the light could be seen for miles. The two began to fuse, something neither of them ever thought would've been possible in the past, and the result was an androgynous figure dressed in a conventional superhero costume with intense pink skin and large, curly hair. Could this be it? Could they be the ultimate fusion thousands of years in the making that will destroy Squamata once and for all? Whatever the case, the newly formed Rutilated Quartz had only one thing to say.

"Awesome."

Dear god, this chapter was a massive undertaking, but it was all worth it in honor of the show that changed my writing career forever. Well, that along with Gravity Falls and FLCL. Happy anniversary Steven, hope it's a good one. Next chapter will be the final chapter of Snake Eyes, and as I stated earlier, the long-awaited finale of Steven Universe: Alternate Future. Until we meet again for one last adventure, let's see how far we've come and how far we'll go.

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sshbpodcast · 7 months

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Tales from the Holodeck: VOY Fanfic: Chris’s Teleplay

It's that time again. It's A Star to Steer Her By's 7th anniversary, and [not so] coincidentally Star Trek's 57th! Slightly more coincidentally, we also just wrapped our watch-through of Star Trek: Voyager! Not only can you check out our favorite and least favorite episodes, but you can also peruse our latest celebratory fanfic!

Scroll on below to read the latest installments from our annual "Tales from the Holodeck" writing challenge, and follow along with our cold reads on this week's podcast episode (this one starts at 1:15:49). We present to you Chris's hologram malfunction of an episode, complete with just about everything but the kitchen sink.

[images © Paramount/CBS]

“Wednesday Night Lights”

By Chris

Random picks: Michael Sullivan, Satan’s Robot

SCENE 1

Narrator: In a ready room that still has that new starship smell, a familiar face stands by a window, dictating to her computer.

Janeway: Admiral’s log, stardate 606341.2. The shakedown cruise of the new Dauntless, based on information gathered during my time in the Delta Quadrant, is taking an unplanned detour. Shortly after departing spacedock we got an urgent message from the head of the Fleet Museum at Athan Prime, saying there was a situation only I could handle.

Narrator: The Admiral is interrupted by the familiar whistle of the ship’s comms

Ascencia: Admiral, we’re about five minutes out from the fleet museum.

Janeway: Thank you, Asencia. Tell transporter room one to expect me.

SCENE 2

Narrator: Mere minutes after finishing her log, Janeway finds herself in the transporter room of the Fleet Museum, greeted by a wide-eyed operator and the Museum’s Curator, a bit of living history in his own right.

Janeway: Commodore Scott.

Scotty: Please, Admiral, no standing on formalities. Scotty is fine.

Janeway: In that case, it’s Katherine. Now, what is this about?

Scotty: It’s Voyager. We got a message from her. And she’s asking for you.

Janeway: The…ship is?

Scotty: Well, no. Someone on board her. But we don’t know who. And every scan we’ve tried hasn’t dug up a single life form. But her power grid’s lit up like a Christmas tree. I can patch her through if you’d like.

Janeway: Please.

Scotty: Computer, play the message received from Voyager.

Michael: Kathy! Kathy, it’s Michael! Everything’s gone mad, I need your help! Please, if you get this, get here as soon as you can!

Narrator: Janeway is lost in a moment, a voice she’d not heard in some years and had never expected to hear again bringing up old memories and feelings.

Janeway: No wonder you couldn’t detect any lifesigns. I need you to beam me outside her holodecks.

SCENE 3

Narrator: Janeway appeared in Fair Haven’s familiar main square. A creation of photons and forcefields, it should have been the same as ever. But straightaway the air is different. The sky is hazy. Some of the buildings are in absolute ruins. A few timid faces peer out from windows.

Janeway: (calling) Michael? Michael? It’s…it’s Kathy!

Narrator: Suddenly, a familiar whooshing sounds from overhead. But it is a whooshing that does not belong in late nineteenth century Ireland. Janeway looks up to see a man hurtling through the air, flying with the aid of Captain Proton’s jetpack. He lands almost expertly, and whips off his goggles. There is a pause as the Admiral and the hologram study one another before embracing.

Michael: Kathy! Oh, Kathy, it’s so good to see you! I wasn’t sure if I sent the message right!

Janeway: Michael, I…how? And what…what’s going on?

Michael: It’s a long story. Come on, we’ll get to my bar and Leo can explain everything.

Janeway: Leo?! Not…

Michael: I know, he’s supposed to be dead. But if I learned anything from you and your friends, it’s that the impossible usually makes more sense than you’d expect. Come on!

Narrator: Michael goes into a run, and Janeway falls into place beside him. They soon make their way to his creaky-but-comfortable pub. But the middle of the room is largely bare, with several tables pushed together into a single unit and a map tossed atop it. An older man stands over it, stroking his beard and consulting with some of the townsfolk. Nearby, a tottering, tubular automaton does something at the bar.

Janeway: I don’t believe it…

DaVinci: What? Ah! Katarina! Michael managed to reach you!

Janeway: Maestro. How…how are you in…

DaVinci: Ireland? Simple, it is my neighbor!

Michael: One day everything just…blinked and here we were. Over the hill was Renaissance Italy instead of the O’Halloran farm. Over the river is France in the middle of what they’re saying is the second world war. Except the floor of one of the buildings there contains parts of your ship, and your cook.

Janeway: Neelix? Which program is he from…

Neelix: Oh, just something Mister Tuvok came up with when he had some…things to work out. He found me an invaluable help.

Janeway: He never mentioned.

Neelix: Oh, you know how Vulcans are. Very private. (beat) It’s nice to see you, Cap…oh! Admiral now, I see.

Michael: Program?

Janeway: Neelix, can I speak to you in private for a moment.

Neelix: Of course, Admiral.

Janeway: Michael, we’ll be out front. I’ll be back soon.

Michael: Alright, Kathy. Be careful out there.

Narrator: Janeway puts a hand on her former cook’s doppleganger’s shoulder and leads him outdoors.

Janeway: Alright. So you know you’re from a holodeck program. Who else does?

Neelix: As far as I know, I’m the only one who’s certain. But some other folks are starting to think maybe not everything is what it seems. Especially the Fair Haven locals, since a lot of them were pretty shaken up by the whole “spirit” incident.

Janeway: Since they contacted me I thought maybe…

Neelix: That was my idea. Since I knew what was what and had access to Voyager’s computer I worked out that you got home and the ship is currently in dock. But I don’t really know anyone else in the Alpha Quadrant, so I thought it best to call you.

Janeway: So what’s going on?

Neelix: To be honest, I’m not entirely sure. But I think it’s a computer virus of some kind. Not only have all these programs switched on and started merging, but something is trying to reroute command systems here. If the ship hadn’t been effectively entirely off it may have happened already.

Janeway: Something is trying to take over the ship? Damn. Janeway to Scotty!

Scotty: Scotty here.

Janeway: We have a potential security breach on Voyager. I need the museum on yellow alert, and you need to be ready to deal with her if she starts attacking.

Scotty: Attacking? How?

Janeway: I have reason to believe there’s a hostile program in her. I need you to patch me through to the Starfleet Communications Research Center! Ask for Reginald Barclay!

Scotty: Aye, right away.

Janeway: Now, Neelix, what else has been happening? There’s clearly been fighting.

Neelix: Well, Admiral, I think it’s my fault. It started not long after I began looking into the computer issues. I think it’s trying to stop me.

Janeway: So did this virus come from the holodeck to begin with?

Neelix: I’m afraid that’s a bit outside of…Admiral. We have a visitor.

Janeway: Hmm? Is…is that Abraham Lincoln? I suppose there’s probably a program about him in the database somewhere. Don’t remember anyone…

Neelix: Captain, he’s armed!

Narrator: Sure enough, the President had pulled a large, double-bladed battle axe from behind his lanky back. Shouting, he held it over his head and began charging the Admiral and her companion.

Janeway: I don’t suppose the safeties are on?

Neelix: I’m not sure, you’re the first real person to come here!

Michael: Kathy!

Narrator: The awesome beam of Captain Proton’s ray-gun sliced through the air, blasting the weapon from the raging President’s hands. He spun to face his attacker, only to find himself face-to-face with a rocket-boosted punch to the jaw. The Evil Lincoln collapsed in a heap.

Janeway: Thank you.

Michael: I told you to be careful, Kathy. It’s been happening for days now! Folks of all sorts just coming out of nowhere and wreaking havoc! Come on, let’s get back inside. I’ll get someone to truss him up.

Narrator: The trio are soon back in the pub, and Janeway is also studying DaVinci’s map.

Janeway: So this is everything you’ve covered so far.

Michael: Aye. We’ve got scouts trying to see if there’s anything past France in the west. Northways is still Ireland so far, south is some kind of resort town. You should see the bathing clothes people wear. Not exactly leaving much to the imagination.

Satan’s Robot: I still believe we should confirm this is not another invasion from the Fifth Dimension!

Michael: And I told you, if I could figure out how to confirm that I would. Now please, make yourself useful.

Satan’s Robot: Of course. (Admiral) Does anyone require refreshment?

Janeway: Oh. Ah…do you have coffee? My Doctor said I should switch to decaf but now’s not the time…

Satan’s Robot: Of course. Cream and sugar?

Neelix: Never for the Admiral.

Michael: Ooh, if looks could kill, Robot…Kathy’d have you out for sure.

SCENE 4

Narrator: At a small panel hidden behind a wall in the pub, a screen has been brought to life, where Janeway converses with an old acquaintance.

Janeway: Well, Reg? Are you patched in?

Barclay: Ah…yes, yes. I have…access. The, ah, tricky part will be running the diagnostic in a way that wherever the other program is won’t notice.

Janeway: How are you going to manage that?

Barclay: Well…as it so happens it’s going to be a lot easier than it should be. Thanks to Voyager’s unique history her combination of bioneural circuitry, traditional isoliner tech, and patches picked up in the Delta Quadrant means she has a few, unique quirks that I should be able to exploit to hide the processes under what appear to be normal functions.

Janeway: Do you think the program will have worked that out, though?

Barclay: I mean, this must have a creator. And the creator would have to know about the ship’s computer setup. So it’s not likely. I’ve already run a few minor tests. Little quirks to see if there was any reaction. So far…so good.

Satan’s Robot: Your coffee, Admiral.

Janeway: Excellent. [beat] I’ve been away from the real thing too long if replicated tastes this good. Don’t tell my Doctor, Robot.

Satan’s Robot: My speaker is sealed.

Barclay: Admiral, is that…

Janeway: Reg, consider this classified. I’ll have your court-martialed if you tell Noum.

Barclay: (unsure laugh; is she joking?) Right.

Narrator: Suddenly, a small chirp sounds from Barclay’s end.

Barclay: I’ve got it! It’s…huh…

Janeway: What is it, Reg?

Barclay: Well, if this is right, this originated within Voyager’s computer.

Janeway: What?

Barclay: Does “Insurrection Alpha” mean anything to you?

Janeway: Oh, come the fuck on…

Barclay: Admiral?

Janeway: It was a training program Tuvok had started writing. He abandoned it, but Seska got her hands on it and coded a program into it to hijack the ship. But we dealt with it!

Barclay: Well, ah…it looks like she had a failsafe. Just a bit of errant code that was drifting loose in Voyager’s databases. Designed to float around and then latch onto something, like a bur on clothes. I’m not sure why it took so long to do that and activate, though.

Janeway: She was only set up int he Fleet museum recently. Maybe something to do with preparing her for semi-shutdown triggered…

Barclay: Oh, no.

Janeway: Reg?

Barclay: This was designed by…

The Bur: Someone who knew Voyager’s unique computer architecture.

Michael: Kathy, we got company!

Satan’s Robot: Invader! Invader! Invader!

Narrator: Janeway rose and turned to face the newcomer. It was a strange figure composed of shifting components; a face that was at one moment human, then Vulcan, then a chimera of Andorian and Klingon, its clothes similarly stuttering between one kind and another in strange, pathwork ways.

Janeway: So. You’re our bur, then?

The Bur: That name will do as well as any.

Janeway: And what is it you want?

The Bur: Why, Admiral, what did my creator want? Vengeance. But…well, I needed time to learn. I was a simple little nascent thing, designed to learn. And by the time I knew exactly what I was and what I was meant to do, you had made contact with the Alpha Quadrant. And so much data came in. So much had changed in only a few years. Cardassia, on a path back to greatness, ruined by the Federation. Just taking vengeance on you alone would not be enough. I had to wait. Wait until we were back. So I could strike at Starfleet from within for the sake of all truly loyal Cardassians! I must congratulate you on making my wait so, so much shorter than it might have been.

Michael: What kind of spirit is this then, Kathy?

The Bur: Ah, yes. The one thing I’d not expected. These programs of yours. All too clever by half thanks to the mess your computer is. Experimental technology, obsolete technology, Borg bits here and there and what do you get…new life. Annoying life that has made my progress so much slower than it need be.

Michael: Well how about I just stop it entirely?

Narrator: Michael fired, and the Bur-man burst into a terrific cloud of light…that soon pulled itself back together into its odd, flickering form. Before it could regurgitate more smug nonsense it found itself clasped from behind by a pair of accordion arms, pincers trying to grasp onto its own flickering limbs.

Satan’s Robot: I have seized the invader!

Narrator: Suddenly the Bur flashed out of existence, reappearing a split-second later behind the bemused automaton.

Satan’s Robot: Invader?

The Bur: Really, Admiral. Control your toys.

Janeway: This ship’s warp core and weapons have been removed. What could you possibly hope to achieve?

The Bur: Come now, Admiral, don’t you think I know that? But new ships arrive all the time. I can just jump into one of them before your technicians can gut it and be on my way. (beat) Well. That was the plan. When I detected your Michael calling out for you, I realized I could do something much more fun. I just had to wait for…Kathy to answer the call. And once her ship got in touch with the station, I just had to hop into the line, as well.

Janeway: The Dauntless!

Asencia: Asencia to Jneway! Admiral?! Admiral, can you hear me?! Systems are locking crew out all over the ship!

Scotty: Admiral, it’s Soctty! Something’s wrong with the computers over here!

The Bur: First I go inside the Dauntless. Then I tractor Voyager away and make you watch me obliterate your foolish museum before I finally end your sorry…

Narrator: Mid-word, the Bur-man was gone. There was a tense moment as everyone waited for his return.

Barclay: Admiral? Admiral?

Janeway: Reg? I’ll be right there!

Barclay: Oh, good. It worked.

Janeway: What did?

Barclay: Well, the channel was open and…ah…I heard him mention obsolete technology. And wouldn’t you know it, at some point one of your people somehow got what was effectively a duotronic circuit properly integrated and functioning in your network without burning out.

Janeway: I see. And?

Barclay: Well, it occurred to me there was a chance that the program had been hiding there. Traditional diagnostics wouldn’t necessarily work due to the nature of the old processors, even though it had been jury-rigged into the larger system. And, well, wouldn’t you know it?

Janeway: But he was already in the Dauntless.

Barclay: Not entirely. He’d only transferred just enough data to begin taking control, but his root processes were still in the old circuits. Thanks to the ship running on batteries instead of power from the warp core the adaptors weren’t working as well and his transfer speed was pretty badly choked.

Janeway: And?

Barclay: I sent a power surge and overloaded the chip. Should be somewhere in…Jeffries tube six, deck four. Tell them to just follow the smell of burning circuits.

Janeway: And he’s definitely gone?

Barclay: There’s still some errant code floating around. Voyager, Dauntless, and the museum’s computers are going to need a good scrubbing to be safe. But the brain is gone. There’s nothing guiding anything, the bits don’t know what to do yet.

Janeway: That’s two I owe you, Reg.

Barclay: Oh, please, Admiral. All in a day’s work. Oh, actually, I have some reports that I was working on before you got in touch. I should get back to those…

SCENE 5

Narrator: The town square, some time later, looking exactly as it did when Tom Paris first activated the program.

Michael: I’m not even going to try and pretend I understand any of what’s been going on the past week or so. I suspect you have an idea. But I don’t think I want the answer.

Janeway: Maybe not.

Michael: It’s funny. I’d swear I’d only seen you a few weeks ago, but…that streak in your hair is something that should’ve taken a while.

Janeway: Well…time works a little differently for me.

Michael: It suits you, at least. So, any chance you can stay around?

Janeway: I’m afraid not. I have an important mission to see to. An old friend went missing, and I think I’ve finally got a lead on him.

Michael: Well. Think you’ll be able to stop by after that?

Janeway: I…maybe. (pause) Computer…end program.

End

—

Don't forget to also check out Jake, Caitlin, and Ames's stories from this year's Star Trek Day festivities. And next week, you definitely don't want to miss when we finally start in on Star Trek: Enterprise over on SoundCloud or wherever you get your podcasts, keep your eyes here for a new series of posts on the blog, hang out with us on Facebook and Twitter, and watch out for Invaders! Invaders! Invaders!

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