#Life is unfair and fucked up

[lecinea]

Listen, both Yu Ziyuan and Jiang Fengmian were shitty parents that fucked their kids (& wwx) up in various different ways. But I will forever be more sympathetic to a frustrated woman in a patriarchal society stuck in a toxic marriage than to the man who has power and authority to change something but refuses to do it because he doesn't like conflict and pretends like nothing is wrong.

#also i am convinced that yzy was pressured into marrying jfm by her family #because even before wwx was there she had people call her madam yu instead of madam jiang which is the title she is entitled to #and frequently went on nighthunts to get away from her life in lotus pier #yu ziyuan #jiang fengmian #mdzs #let me be very clear though yzy still took her valid frustrations out on a child which is fucked up and wrong #what she did was abuse #but i get why she was angry #i do not get why jfm was so crappy to his children and honestly incredibly unfair to wwx #i might eleborate further with textual evidence if someone's interested

[stressedanime]

i was sO close to falling asleep and i accidentally started thinking about jason grace and now im going through the 5 stages of grief again

#i’m currently at anger #when i fucking tell yall #that i think it is so unfair that frank survived toa #and jason didn’t #when franks literal life force was burnt up #which meant he was supposed to die #but just didn’t because rick was feeling silly goofy that day #i can’t even finish my rant here because i’m getting too upset #toa spoilers #toa #trials of apollo #trials of apollo spoilers #jason grace #it’s 2 FUCKING AM I NEE DTO SLEEEEEP #ricky when i catch you ricky

[nat-has-two-girlfriends]

me rn

Episodes come out at 5 am for me so I will be waking up to carnage on the tl/dashboard 😗✌️

#yellowjackets #mistynat #misty quigley #natalie scatorccio #please if they kill of my little guy I will actually cry #hey that rhymes #you know someone is really delusion when they start rhyming at half past midnight #like. let’s be real here. Jeff is the only one acceptable to die #cause he’s so so pathetically in love with sharan and honestly good for him I would be too #that he makes the ultimate sacrifice for her to be okay again #and it would just a beautiful end #but with nat? #it would be a half assessed redemption arc because of javi to die for someone else #which is all well and good but it’s a shitty end to a shitty life and she does not deserve that!!! #not with everything that she has suffered and survived through! she made it out! she did amazingly well #and it would be so so tragic and devastating at the end almost as if to say that the only ending that someone like nat can have is death #and that’s just so unfair #anyway I’m only a bit passionate about this I truly do love her character it means so much to me #also if they make misty kill nat that’s a really fucked up version of Romeo and Juliet #can you imagine? #Misty having to kill the one person that for some reason believed in her and trusted her against the odds. and she has to sacrifice AGAIN

[withdenim]

Hey so like maybe I’m the last to notice but i was watching with subtitles and I just realized that right before Lloyd throws the tomorrow’s tea he doesn’t say fear. He says fair. “Fair? Fair isn’t a word where I come from” which I’m losing my mind about a little.

#something something Lloyd garmadon’s last line that really acknowledges how unfair his life is is the last thing he says as a child #also fucked up that Wu just says like #‘there comes a time when we all must grow up’ man idk how to tell you this but he was like ten #he wasnt supposed to grow up then #wu disregarding lloyds trauma to make dramatic commentary on The Final Battle is so . #man pls thats your nephew show SOME compassion #ninjago #Lloyd Garmadon #ninjago Lloyd #lego ninjago

[definitelynotnia]

im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed

my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.

and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.

anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,

I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me

im going by metro which is quite safe

im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18

she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)

anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm

so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?

anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".

and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.

#in our house kids dont stay outside past 6:30pm'' but now all of a sudden its fine for my brother to play #till 10:30 at night #she literally stopped me permanently from going down in the evenings since i was in class 7-8 #this is why ive never had any friends outside of school bcz she wouldnt let me leave ths fucking house #and now that my brother is in class 7 #he's allowed to be out playing with his friends till 10 freaking 30 #he comes home an hour late sometimes...45 minutes and almost always at least 30 minutes late at NIGHT and she says nothing except like #one sentence #yeah im only the villain i only keep u locke #up in the house its all my fault #this is just so damn unfair #like literally insulting #im not a child what is her problem #what sort of fucking solution is 'never leave the hostel' like ok even if i do that what happens then??? after i graduate? #i'll be a 24 year old who doesnt know shit about going from one place to another without a man present] #and then this woman preaches how she 'always raises her son and daughter equally' like srsly shut the fuck up #my whole life i've been told abar late?'' #and for me bcz i would come home 5-10 minutes late nd i did it maybe once or twice she made me completely stop going down to play #5-10 minutes late from 6:30 wherein he comes an hour late from 9 fucking 30 #and this sounds so stupid bcz im an 18 year old now and i dont give a fuck abt how long i got to play but its just unfair dude #with me it was always smthn or the other either exams or she gets miraculously sick every time i want to go out to play #im not even kidding she did a whole “i have fever and ur going to leave me like this and go play?” on me one time bcz i was adamant abt goi #after months of not being able to go bcz of exam or smthn or the other #she did not have any fever it was fucking bullshit #and how am i supposed to help with ur imaginary fever anyway im literally 12 #its so fucking annoying man and then if i say anything at all she'll go on a tirade about how #like YOU DO THOUGH??????? im sorry ur feelings are hurt bcz i said you do smthn that u LITERALLY DO #istg not even 2 days ago she was having a fight with my dad abt how he should teach my brother to learn how to cycle so that he can go buy #groceries #i can cycle

[detransraichu]

broooo not my ex making posts abt how hard it is to come to terms with being conventionally attractive while having low self-esteem issues and how wild it is to get compliments randomly on their appearance when they go out and how they're worried that their new transmasc boytoy is only into them bc they're hot -_- i'm tired... meanwhile i'm just seen as a gremlin now that i'm not hyperfem... they truly have the biggest issues in the world lol

also they were like "omg turns out i'm not ace i just needed a bf lol" and i'm like yeah. i know. you've been lusting after male characters for years. you were horny as fuck just not for me bc i didn't transition. you only made moves on me when you were bored, lonely or drunk. i always asked if that was the case and you were like no baby it's just your insecurities i don't need you to transition uwu. for 5 years. my trust issues are thru the roof now yayyyyy /dies

#lay text #i'm being mean and petty ugh #my heart kinda hurts but talking w my counsellor abt it helped #it rly helps to have a neutral third party to vent to #also i still think my ex is a good person i don't actually hate them i love them as a friend. but i do hate what they did to me #i hate that they went along w us dating bc they're too much of a doormat. i hate that they thought abt breaking up w me for years #but never told me bc they were worried i wouldn't survive without them financially or emotionally #feels so fucking infantilizing #now i'm so much better off without them despite being broke #that was my first and only real relationship my first time my first everything. i'm so embarrassed wtf i was RIGHT i was right all along #i was right it wasn't just insecurities they straight up never wanted me they wanted future transitioned male-passing me #it was all lies!!! from the get-go!!! meanwhile i did so much romantic bullshit and i was wearing rose colored glasses!!!! #and i was a big dyke. being with a woman who identified as a woman would've made me 2000x happier anyway. we could've just stayed roommates #i'm so bitter guys. i feel so jaded but i'm trying not to be :/ #and now they have so much luck in their love life #and i'm just a lonely gremlin dyke who only attracts polyam/casual girls who only want me on the side #where tf is my love story :'( i've been trying SOOO FUCKING HARD to gain my ex's affection for 5 freaking years i was the most loveydovey g #i deserve a love story i think i've really earned it by now!!!!! #so much love to give #now they have it so easy wtf. feels unfair ngl. i'm happy for them obviously they deserve happiness too. but i am still bitter >:/ #trying to process these feels instead of repressing them for once. i have a tendency to bottle up angst bc i think i'm bad for being mad #but nope those r healthy emotions!!! i can work thru this #it just sucks #if you read all of this bs i give you a cookie 🍪 <3

[robinsnest2111]

oh well, guess I can't watch the passenger even if I could get into my father's account BECAUSE IT'S NOT AVAILABLE IN GERMANY APPARENTLY

fucking hell man........

#i'm this 👌 close to just crying like a little baby over this #why must life be so fucking unfair #i am just a guy who wants to watch a movie #THIS WOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM IF THE BLOCKBUSTER-ESQUE VIDEO STORE DOWN THE ROAD WERE STILL AROUND #i could just walk down and pick up this movie on dvd. watch it. and pay the 1€ borrowing fee and we'd all be happy BUT NO #of course nothing can ever be as easy as that

[kyuala]

SOOOOOO hard to go through everyday life trying to ignore the never-ending feeling that im just irreparably fucked up and therefore should just give up on everything

#this aint exactly s******* but it aint exactly not s******* either #anyways it gets even harder when i have to live under the same roof as my brother who is so much better than me in every single conceivable #and imaginable way possible like #and i knowwww a LOT of it comes down to us having relatively similar yet wildly different lives despite being 1.5y apart and having the sam #family our entire lives like he has gone through NOTHING and i mean not a single societal issue ive had to face and endure my entire life #he's a man im a woman. he's white im black. he's straight im gay. he's skinny ive always been 'overweight'. he's always been the good #christian kid ive always had issues w faith and religion. he's never been mentally ill i was clinically depressed for nearly 8yrs of my lif #we both lost the same parent and im the only one who got pathological grief and a personality disorder out of it. he's had a great job for #the last 7yrs that now pays him 20k+ every month ive only had 3 odd jobs my entire life and 2 of those my MOTHER had to give me so i would #have SOMETHING and ive never made over 1.6k monthly n my last job was minimum wage only #he's had like 4 relationships and is nearly engaged im so traumatized + emotionally unavailable ive only ever been on 1 date my entire life #he has a good relationship w every family member we have i have Issues w like half the family. he's always been an active member of our #church i can barely listen to like 4 traditional hymns before i start losing my mind and spiraling. i think the only two ways we're pretty #much equal like socially is that we're both able bodied cis and christians but still the cis and christian thing is debatable for previousl #stated reasons so like. do yall see how much better he is doing than me in every little last area in life and how he's always gotten the #long straw when it comes to Not having to deal w certain obstacles in life. n i know its like yea idk what it actually is like to be him an #he could not be doing all that well first of all shut up. second of all if it was 1 or 2 things i'd get it but it's literally EVERYTHING #and i know bc of said things n our v different lives it's unfair to me to compare the two of us but then it begs the question: WHY #WHY did i have to go through these things. WHY do i have to deal w this. WHY did i get the short straw literally every goddamn time #WHY did i have to get THIS life like WHYYYYY why ME GOD. why have I had to put up w all this bullshit for 24 fucking years!!!!!!!!! im TIRE #and this is not me hating or resenting him i know it's not his fault and he is so good to me #but still. why was i left with these things? to live like this? #so yes i guess i do envy him a little bit. who wouldn't #mari.txt #personal #tw negative #dl #btw i do NOT mean some identities are better than others. i mean he is better and is doing better than me in life partially bc he's never #had to deal w certain social issues and obstacles that come w oppressed identities.

[papercutsmp3]

god i hate working a two person job being someone who doesn't miss or forget a thing with my coworker who idgafing through her life bc the way it hurts my pride when i have to also bear the burden of her not doing the job properly

#and my head of department just texted me likee well please be more careful next time (both of us) #and theres no way to just straight up tell him that i am always careful and i was not even there when that happened #well i still said that as carefully worded as possible bc theres no way im taking the blame for being careless #but i just hate it so much bc i always make sure everything is going properly i feel like im this girl's second team lead for fucks sake #i had a day off yesterday and just clocked in today and immediately have to listen how we didn't see important tasks #well there is no we actually i am fighting for my life #tbh this is such a minor unfairness but it still makes me feel million years worth of rage #and the situation at my mom's work is way more unfair to her genuinely i can't imagine how she is able to push through it #it's unrelated but it just crossed my mind. actually even with my shit coworker i am at least treated fairly in the eyes of my team lead #00

[running-in-the-dark]

just now realising that it's kinda weird that every damn thing I did as a kid, even accidentally, still gets dragged out all the time as proof of how mean and bossy I was.

meanwhile one of my brothers stabbed my other brother with a screwdriver and it's just so funny. one of them jumped on my back when we were fighting and hurt me so bad that I couldn't get up for an hour (and I got yelled at). one of them broke someone else's property on purpose and it's just a funny anecdote about how he and his friend had to pay for the damage. they stole cash and very expensive alcohol, so funny and cute. they got drunk all the time and started smoking at 12.

which is all fine. people do stupid things as kids. but it sucks that I'm always the difficult one, the one that causes trouble, the mean one. the worst thing I ever did was drop out of school because I was too terrified and depressed to keep going. this is somehow proof that I was such a difficult child to raise, so hard to be around. not that my parents completely failed me in every way, or anything like that.

my brother attacked me this year. but that's totally excusable because surely he had his reasons (yeah, I disagreed with him and wouldn't back down. great.) and I probably just misunderstood (how?!) and anyway it wasn't really that bad. he yelled at me for daring to disagree with him, insulted me and then grabbed me when I told him to get out. but he's just having a hard time and can't express his feelings well and can't I just forgive him?

but I'm bad for things I did when I was 15 or 10 or 5 or literally a baby. I'm bad for things that never happened. I'm bad for things that other people did. I'm just bad.

#yes I am still bitter about this stuff #I wouldn't be. but they keep bringing it up #I'm so tired of not being able to do anything right #I've been so nice and patient and always friendly for literally. 10 years. a third of my life. I try so hard to not upset them or do #anything wrong #but my mother still says my brothers are scared of me #and uses things against me that I did in primary school #ugh #anyway #I'm having a hard time and keep thinking about this today #I'm just so tired of it #I can't even defend myself #because that gets turned into you can't take a joke and we're just joking around and why are you so angry #I raise my voice slightly to be fucking HEARD and I'm hysterical #my brother screams at me and he's just not good at talking about his feelings #it all feels so unfair #it doesn't matter what I do or who I am. I've been the bad one since my brother was born and I'm so tired #personal

[lord-squiggletits]

I know there are as many religious good guys as there are religious bad guys in IDW, but I think I pinned down the reason why it feels like the most prominent religious figures are all bad guys and it's pretty much due to the worldbuilding.

Maybe my memory of the comics is just really bad, but the religious worldbuilding in IDW is....kind of trash honestly. I'm not sure there's a single religion or religious custom that doesn't exist solely to further the plot along. Like, it's one thing for the Camiens to worship the Primes and that causes a lot of stuff in exRID/OP, but what does that worship actually look like? What are their holidays, customs, religious texts? What about "spectralism" which basically the only thing we know about is the Festival of the Lost Light and some hippie color coding and aura shit? Like sure, there are characters who are religious and their beliefs come into play sometimes, but it honestly feels (especially in MTMTE) more like their religiousness only exists when it's relevant to the plot and it's just kinda. Disappointing eh. Lacking in worldbuilding. Plus the more religious a character is the more it's written as their entire personality and the driving force making them evil so it just kinda made me cringe to read honestly.

#squiggposting #i think there might be more 'religious moments' than i remember since it's been a hot minute since i read #but i remember during my first read/while liveblogging it was something that disappointed me #i know it's probably unfair or whatever but it still makes me cringe so hard #that the reason tyrest suddenly became a religious zealot was because he got shot with a brain altering bullet #and his religious fervor is almost literally just a product of him being brain damaged and delusional #like oooooooooooooooooooooooof it's so fucking cringe lol #i'm not sure if i'm making sense honestly. it's not so much the NUMBER of evil vs non evil religious characters #but it's more like. the more prominently religion is part of a character's personality or motivation #the odds of them just being an evil guy shoots up to almost 100% #also then there's dr/ft who's a fucking clown and 'spectralism' is just some half baked hippie shit i can't take seriously #guess my problem isn't with IDW so much as it is with JRO lol #anyways not an objective analysis i might be wrong on some counts that was just my feelings as i read #and also i just don't like it when the worldbuilding around culture only exists when it comes to plot related stuff #it really makes the world feel less lived in/realistic when it's established that there are multiple religions #but then as far as actual customs- beliefs- texts- philosophies- etc there's hardly anything #so the good guys may be religious but there's not much about what their beliefs actually entail and how they impact their daily life #and on the other hand the bad guys are screaming about how they're god's chosen all over the place

[unhinged-nymph]

.

#feeling extremely dramatic about the fact that I’ve never experienced love and have never been in a relationship and there’s just this huge #part of the human experience that I’ve never gotten to experience and it’s just so unfair and totally fucked me up for life and now idk if #I could even do the love thing now because of how freaked out it makes me feel and I hate that I’m such a hopeless romantic and that I’m #plagued with loving to talk about and read about love but I’ll never have any for myself #and it’s just so fucked up and I’m having extremely big feelings about it

[sangfielle]

its actually so awesome that my grandpa is dying and wants to kill himself before he just wastes awway and the only capacity that my family seems to give a shit about it in is that they can use that as a cudgel to try and guilt me into moving back in with them harder than they already do. because hes the obly one of them i care about and everybody knows that

#personal #i hate mmy fucking family and my fucking life and its so unfair to him #he doesnt deserve to be used like that. i do feel so fucking bad for not being there for him #but theres nothing ican do #im gonna go 2000 miles away to watch a man who wishes he was dead be forcibly kept alive by these people? #i dont want to do that to him and i dont want my last memories of him to be that #and ive been being glib about it but its so fucking upsetting. i feel so fucked up about it. adn these fucking vultures are actively trying #to make it worse. oh my gd. i never get to escape my fucking leash! #family death #suicide mention

[chialattea]

people will be so understanding of mental illnesses/ ND until they spend more time with a person who can’t get rid of the symptoms and suddenly it’s all “I think you could fix it if you just put some alarms” “have you tried doing a todo list” “have you tried simply not thinking those intrusive thoughts” gee thanks man you know who else finds living with this shit annoying? ME.

#chia’s life #genuinely fuck off #shout out to the teacher who when told I was ND said “maybe you should drop out and let someone better take your place #legit was like some people simply don’t belong in academia #woah thanks!!! #so sorry I have ADHD woman should I just kill myself #like is that it #I wasn’t even asking for anything #just some accommodations for a completely unrelated topic #and this woman was like oh I gotta make sure she knows shes worthless #I started crying on this woman’s office and she even enjoyed it #kept berating me for not living up to the standard #and being unfair to my classmates who /did/ work hard #and that I should feel ashamed of myself #lmao #remembered this because she sent me an email going #hey it’s been a while I’m still your tutor come talk to me #and I’ll help you decide your future #ma’am you told me I was too stupid to have a future #fuck off

[beautifel]

i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am

#ask 2 tag idk what to tag this but its negative. idk if i’m hormonal or whatever. it’s just that i’m so extremely emotional lately #like i always havebeen but it’s insane lately and i know some of the reasons but i have no idea what to do abt it. which is bad #i wish i knew how to confront …it all. im so avoidant it is genuinely pathetic #and even if i wanted to confront anything iwouldnt know how… n how to tell ppl around me #the pains ive taken to ignore my issues over the yrs n by that i mean suppress the knowledge that they even exist Lmao it is so pathetic #let alone the pains ive taken to hide from other ppl that which im suppressing. and to hide how badly i cope with anything #like any problem at all not just things that have anything to do with The Thing #i finally told my girlfriend about something i never thought id ever say out loud to anyone n it was so hard #the whole convo was so hard bc shes dealing with so much too and shes been getting help for 3 yrs n i know #with her baggage of trauma a relationship is one of the hardest things #n ive never ever regretted our relationship but with the things we are both dealing wtih. or rather not dealing with in my case #it is so . hard.. and i feel like ive been so unfair bc i havent been getting help even tho i need it. and she has. #the sheer irony of me refusing to get help or even admit 2 myself i need it even tho im literally about to be the person who helps others #this cannot go on lmao. the only thing im sure about is that i wanna spend my life with her but with everything tht we have on our plate #its so.. unsure i feel so powerless . i cannot change the past i cant change either of our previous experiences #its so unfair how we risk losing the best thing that ever happened bc of things out of our control #ive genuinely never been more scared of anything than i am of the idea of losing this relationship #we had such a deep conversation today and it was necessary and good but god we’re fucked up people #so i .contacted the uni psych today finally but im so fucking scared and idk what to even say when i get there #ive never until today said it out loud ive never even written it down anywhere