#Maybe one day when I have lots of money

[keepthetension]

still thinking about grief and recovery and support on this show because oh boy did the shows airing this weekend put me in my dead parent feelings i said before i was concerned about how porjai is dealing with her own grief, and this episode we saw her easily talking about rung, and even casually yelling to rung that she misses her! maybe this is me projecting, because i can't do that, but this seems like a pretty healthy place to be, especially contrasted with mhok's relative silence, and i'm glad!

and mhok's silence doesn't come from anger or resentment (which are valid ofc, but i did wonder if imprisonment gave him time to work through this to some degree) but out of protectiveness. i fucking loved this, because it felt so realistic and lived-in. i lost a parent to intimate partner violence, and i NEVER open up about it; people sure have Opinions, and it makes me insane

but day finding out about rung offscreen wasn't on my bingo card, tbh. because we've been with mhok through everything he's found out about day

it doesn't bother me, exactly, but it feels slightly unbalanced, and i suppose what i'm thinking is: knowing what happened to someone doesn't actually tell you how they feel about it, or how it affects them, or how you can support them

mhok found out from that lady sharing personal medical info she had no business sharing about day losing his eyesight in the accident, but he put in the work to understand what it actually meant for day. and in most cases, we've seen day telling mhok about what troubles him in his own words (his crush on auggy, why he was avoiding his friends, etc)

bereavement is probably statistically more common, so i suppose it may not need to be spelled out for an audience? but i am wary, because there have been so many shows where characters are visibly — to me! — struggling with grief and everything else matryoshka-ed in it, but audience reaction simply doesn't factor this in

i'm also thinking about how often mhok tells day a story about himself with the intent of making him smile ("i bought two bracelets just because i had money to spend" "i found this rooftop when i needed to sober up" "my sister called this false rice". i'm certain there are more!). because this is what a caretaker does, or because this is what mhok does, or both?

because this always made me wonder what it would take for mhok to talk about something that wouldn't make day smile, or because he wanted to share. in the former case, it'd have to be something pretty bad!

of course, talking isn't the only way to recovery or intimacy. and mhok going from "i'm breaking up with my devoted gf because i don't want to drag her down with me" to "i'm going to ask you to be my bf" is pretty significant!

but as they navigate the journey from being caretaker and client to being boyfies, the balance has to shift around a bit to them supporting each other, consciously choosing to be there for each other

in this episode what we got was: you only want money to buy that car. and i'm not even mad about this, because this kind of comment is very in line with day's character. but wow. day, i know you're feeling big feelings, but throwing one of the few things you know about mhok's life in his face is. not it!

#last twilight the series #i know this is a “trustworthy” director. and i will happily eat my words! but #it's always bothered me when couples fall into this pattern of ONE person doing the bulk of the supporting and caring and accommodating #and i am HOPING WISHING PRAYING this show doesn't do the same you know? #also like the imbalance makes sense if they're only caretaker and client of course! i'm just SO curious how this will be addressed #thinking a lot lately about characters society puts into a certain box because social status or because they're Manly or Tough or some shit #and there isn't a space for them to be soft and goofy and playful and tender. and people assume they don't need to be cared for #ten from cooking crush and babe from pit babe and top from only friends. for example. #and “there's zero tenderness in you” mhok #and i desperately want to see these characters get to be more than they're “allowed” to be #patriarchy is a curse #oh also i suspect mhok's “healing journey” will come to a head once he buys the car or whatever ends up happening there #ALSO GOD how many people would move the fuck out of that house afterward IF THEY HAVE THE MONEY TO DO SO #and maybe it doesn't feel like this for mhok and porjai but living in the same place afterward can be intensely suffocating #but they can't just move and start over like moneyed individuals might be able to! #recovery and healing simply looks different for the rich #anyway next ep will probably foreground mhok caring for day. and there are not many eps left!! i am wary but still fairly optimistic

[seenthisepisode]

~~~

#i am close to tears - beware there is a rant about my life in the tags ahead so watch out - it's nothing VERY serious but it's... well #also this is literally about supernatural convention so it's not like a serious problem but it is a problem for me personally #so anyway last year when they announced misha for purgatory con 8 in dusseldorf i was like yes yes yes and i bought the tickets because: #1. i had a whole year to plan a trip 2. going to spn con was this little dream of mine because i've been in this fandom for years so #so i thought hey i deserve a little treat. i want to and deserve to go to a con and they just announced misha and i'd love to go #(and then they also announced jensen. and then jared too so like all 3 main guys will be there so !! a Treat !! yay!) and also Why Not #because it's in germany so it's the closest i would ever get a convention because i am from poland [*] no conventions here sorry #so i was like yeah the stars seem to have alligned yeah AND I BOUGHT THE TICKET. and the thing is SOLD OUT. and 3 main actor men are there #and a lot of mutuals that i'd finally love to meet maybe if they feel like it or whatever but i'd love to meet tumblr people so there's tha #and now. i just spent 3 hours after work looking for flights and everything. and. the conclusion. after 3 hours of looking at every possibl #way for me to get to Dusseldorf at the days of the con. well. the conclusion is i have no way to get there. and i am stuck. #and there are flights and they are not even that expensive. but the HOURS are horrible. i checked different airports and even looked at #flights to dortmund and i literally have no way to get there in a way that makes any sense... because arriving at 4pm on saturday is #too late. and the other option is being there at 8 am - cool - but i have no way of getting to the airport at 4 am. i'd have to take #additional day off from work (not an option). and i literally don't know what to do. it's almost 1 am and i should be happily asleep and i #am trying to solve this problem lmao because on one hand i really want to go and i want to figure out a way to get there 1. on time 2. in a #way that won't cost me 1/3 of my paycheck ; and on the other hand i just want to email the organizer to return the ticket or resell it to #someone because i know there will be someone who wants to go because the event is sold out #WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS HARD...... #AS I WRITE THIS I AM FULLY AWARE THIS IS SUCH A FIRST WORLD PROBLEM i know!!!!!! fully aware!!!! #but i just :(( really wanted to go :((( but i am slowly leaning towards the option of not going :((( because money and time :(( #and the kilometers between me and the con place :((((( #personal

[floral-hex]

woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.

#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void #shits rough dawg #I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts #haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier #it’s cold #saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early. #and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed. #went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours #guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left #even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are #I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh #my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week #maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done. #I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting #woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside #hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning #can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding) #actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so… #I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience #anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments #I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired. #I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die. #is this relatable? #just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda. #gonna look at pictures of butts now #ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever #you can ignore this #text

[ranger-kellyn]

just got the devastating news that we're being forced to go back to work 50% of the time in office next month, and likely by this time next year it will be at 100% all so we can "get back enjoying the things we did pre-covid, like meaningful in-person engagement!" due to "how well our nation handled covid!" as if it's literally not still killing and disabling people on the daily.

#so NOW not only has my car insurance gone up #but my rent went up by a lot #and now i'm going to have to pay $50 a week to park................................ #of course i get this news days after i renewed my lease so i can't even go out to try to find a place maybe closer to work #or just downsize so i can try to save SOME money #hhhhhhhhhh can't catch a fucking break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #i framed my getting back into running routine around my one in office day and!!!!!!!!!!!! now!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't know!!!!!!!!! #might even have to quit therapy bc i don't think i'll be able to get in at the times i need and!!!!!!!!!!! i hate it here #WHEN are we going to get the class consciousness needed to get rid of capitalism #negative

[sad--tree]

well shit. just checked out the lineup 4 bluesfest this year and i may have 2 actually brave the crowds 4 once. there might just be enough ppl id wanna see to make it worth it, altho tbh matthew good is almost enough for that on his own lol coz like. matthew good!!! that's the music of my freakin childhood man!! (*the most canadian sentiment ever)

#but also: ben howard; orville peck; charley crockett; mother mother #and of course. motley fucking crue. for some reason. i mean why not right? lol #ftr no i dont know why its called bluesfest when theres so much non-blues. they DO have blues its just. theres a lotta other stuff. #idk. perpetual mystery here in the nations capital. #i REALLYYYY wanna see matt good tho i was supposed to in 2020 and he CANCELLED instead of rescheduling like every1 else 😭 #still might go to mtl in april to see him tho. festival sets are just Not the Same lbr #NOW i just gotta see if any of the artists i wanna see are on the same days..... pls..... so much more cost effective.... #my whole life ive lived here and ive never been 2 bluesfest. maybe thisll be the year that changes #hmmm. $280 for a 'pick any 3 days' ticket is Not Bad At All.... definitely gonna b Pondering this further.... #tho $410 for a full pass is also not terrible. relatively speaking bc tgats is still Not A Small Amount of Money #not sure the full lineup is worth that 2 me tho #HMMM #anyways hey bluesfest. why the FUCK is your website so bad my god the scrolling lag good fucking lord. what the fuck are u DOING back there #also also. on the topic of music festivals. i KNOW its not coming back but.... heavy mtl return W H E N 🥺😭🙏🔥 #i just. wanna go 2 a metal music fest. w/o breaking the bank and/or subjecting myself to festival camping. which i refuse 2 try by myself. #not that we really have that sorta festival here at all but it seems the Really Big european ones are like that and uhhh. #it just seems like A Lot to do that solo. for a first time doing smth. #ANYWAYS !! still contemplating whether i want 2 spend altogether Too Much Fucking Money to see metallica and iron maiden later in the year #like on the 1 hand its A Lot Of Money plus id have to travel (edmonton 4 metallica; mtl or TO 4 maiden) #on the other hand. those guys arent gettin any younger. and the FOMO is unfortunately real af when u never know if theyre gonna retire #or like. DIE. (ok ok or like. idk break a hip or smth lol) ( they arent THAT that old just. u kno. fear.)

[dandyshucks]

the dollar store did not have much for felt or fabric but i managed to scrounge everything i needed except for guz.ma's skin colour :(

i CAN make the janitor since they had a peach colour but I'll have to look around the house again to see if i can find anything that might work for guz's skin tone

#mannn dhfjfl unfortunately mother just did an amazon order the other day too #I could've added a bolt of the right colour felt to her order but i thought the store would have their big selection of felt sheets still 😭 #they just had like... a big pile of felt and fabric all mixed together ?? idk what happened to their nice organized shelf :( #and they only had a little bit of felt fjdkdl it was mostly random patterned fabric #which would be fine and fun IF i had the skin bases done already bc then I'd just make silly little clothes for them #but unfortunately i need... the skin bases first fjfkfl to fit the clothing to #i dont have a good yarn colour for him either bc then I'd just crochet a base fhfkdl but AUGHH #I have ... acrylic paint thats the right colour or a little darker i think. and pillows that im going to use for stuffing #so maybe if i take the stuffing out of one of the pillows then i can dye the fabric with acrylic paint ... #I've done that before when i couldnt find the right colour fabric for a project a couple yrs ago #so i know it works decently well 🤔 depends on how sturdy the pillow material is i guess hmmm #i think i might have a spare white pillowcase if the pillow fabric itself isnt sturdy enough ... HMMM this might still be doable #theres nothing like having very little access to supplies bc of money and small town to inspire creativity LMAO #u learn how to do a lot of weird shit dbdhfkfl necessity inspires ingenuity or whatever the saying is #(with all that said - if anyone ever has a craft project theyre stuck on and want help figuring out how to do smth i may be of use LMAO) #dandy.cmd

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

i havent made any posts abt it but now that the big part is basically over ive gotta tell you im absolutely fucking fascinated with this whole submarine situation

#i have a lot of thoughts about it but i dont think tumblr is the right place for those right now. im thinking about it a fucking lot though #ah the hubris of man in the face of nature etc etc etc #maybe lets not take tourists into one of the most dangerous unpredictable environments on the fucking planet #especially in experimental non certified equipment #thats all ill say for now #can we pleaseeeee please fucking respect the ocean. can we please stop going to the titanic. #weve gotten what we need from it lets just. let those ppl rest #im having. thoughts. man idk. its insane to me this is literally like. a fucking horror movie #anyway i hope the markiplier iron lung movie doesnt get cancelled bc of this. i rlly wanna see that #also like. obviously the tragedy in the Mediterranean deserves more news and more care than 5 idiot billionaires but . #i am just a 20 something year old on the internet im not responsible for the media cycle #and im also a known avid horror enthusiast especially when it involves the ocean so. #im having a lot of thoughts about bullshit safety measures and the money spent on this fucking mess #and the fact that theyve been searching for days for ppl who were already dead two hours inot the trip. idk. #sorry i just needed an outlet for this bc my dad is insufferable to talk news with

[piplupod]

me when i realize that pretty much everything in my life has actually only gotten worse since i graduated highschool, and all the times i was told things would get better were absolutely false !!!!!!

#i am going fucking insane. this is so stupid #i had a social life. i had friends. i had a job i could keep up with outside of school. i had a solid routine and schedule. #i had insurance. i didnt have to worry about money. i didnt have to buy groceries. i didnt have to cook every day. #i had enjoyable group activities. i had ppl telling me i was doing a good job. i had AUTHORITY FIGURES telling me i was doing a good job!!!! #i had a place to go to be away from home every weekday!! i had hope for the future still to some extent (not a lot but more than i do now)! #I DONT HAVE ANYYYY OF THAT NOW. I do have friends but not in-person!!! zero social life except hospital out-patient bullshit!!! #anyways the highschool is doing one of my fav musicals that i came THIS CLOSE to doing my grad year #but the vote was indecisive so they did some bullshit that nobody was happy with lmfao #i fucking petitioned hard. lobbied HARD. to get us to do that musical. i worked so hard to get everyone on board #but everyone was just waffling about it. and then we ended up w smth that nobody was happy with #AND NOW THIS YEAR. THEYRE DOING THAT FUCKING MUSICAL. THAT HURTS. LIKE A LOT. A LOT A LOT. #like to the point where i have now genuinely cried after hearing that theyre doing it #that was my one fucking chance in highschool to be part of a musical i actually cared about and enjoyed and i lost it #i had watched my brothers be in these fun musicals when they were in school but for my three years I got NOTHINGGG #it hurts so fucking bad. i had been looking forward to that ever since we moved to this town. and then i got fucking nothing. #and now that im out of there and realizing how my life is absolutely fucked and i have to kill myself then they finally do it. #gallons of salt in the big fat gaping wound. insane. #genuinely feeling kind of shocked. how the hell do things line up so perfectly to hurt me this badly so often fjfkfl #maybe im just fucking pathetic and overly emotional idk victim complex or smth awful #i just kind of want to be done like right now. but i have to wait at least a month before i call it quits so i dont wreck this time of year #for my family for the rest of their lives lmfao #my siblings and dad dont deserve that. my mother probably does but whatever #im tired!!! im fucking exhausted!!! this sucks so incredibly badly!!! #suicide tw

[scarlettxxtt]

Do u guys ever just ask a college friend out for lunch and then they say they have prior plans with another group of friend.

And they don't invite u and u contemplate which answer to give, either "Oh cool, can i join?" Or "Oh cool, have fun".

And u r leaning towards the latter bc if u asked to join them and their friends, u might interrupt them and make things awkward? And u definitely don't want to make things awkward for them (ur friend and their friends). But this is just speculation and u don't have the guts to confirm if that's true or not bc that would also make things awkward?

Yeah.

So I went with "Oh cool, have fun". And ur friend doesn't try to invite u, and u know this bc they said "sorry :')"

Yeah.

#maybe i have rejection syndrome or smth? #or i have adhd #or audhd #i watched a lot of videos on adhd and autism #not that I'm claiming i have both bc im not a professional but just that i relate too much to a lot of them #and i cant go get an official diagnosis bc it's hella expensive in my country #but I'll definitely get a diagnosis one day #when i earn enough money and have freedom #not me info dumping on tumbler #boy i hope no one ik irl sees this post #and i saw a video on someone having audhd but bc both symptoms or uh what do u call the effects of being neurodivergent? #anyways #the person in the video said that their symptoms complemented each other so well that she was perceived as normal #god i hope i don't get cancelled #can someone relate? #jsifnsifbeifjajeiejfid #i apologize for any offence i might have caused and apologize for apologizing if i havent caused any offence

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I do need to sit down today and draft a new budget even though it scares me. I need to be realistic about it too. I really don't enjoy budgeting. Neither me nor wifey are especially gifted with it, and it makes us both anxious and avoidant, so it's really unfortunate.

Definitely one of the tasks for the personal assistant chart once I can afford one.

#for any one wondering: #i have an ongoing understanding with my wife that should our finances ever allow it there are two services i want to hire out #household maintenance care and the phone call/mail/email/bills bermuda triangle of disaster #between the two of we are so fucking bad at these things but they are so essential to basic functioning #that it genuinely harms us when we fuck up #so for now we keep chugging along #lots of radical acceptance and self compassion and executive functioning support strategies to try and keep the plates spinning #but some day theoretically we'll have the money to pay a freelancer to come in and spend 1-2 hours a couple of days per week #just.....helping us deal with some of this stuff #i'd pay them very well #i'm thinking something like $100/day for maybe 2 hours work? #i just want someone who will sort and respond to my mail for me and schedule my appts/log them in my calendar and shoot me a text about it #someone who washes all the dishes down to baseline once a week and helps me do organizational planning/reworking once a month #not big stuff by any means but life changing to me #especially if their role is largely body doubling with me while I do other cleaning/organizing tasks so double the work can get done #anyway its purely hypothetical now and for a long time to come but i keep track of what tasks we may need help with #so i can prioritize and understand how many hours of support we would really need each week

[disdaidal]

I reinstalled Windows on my laptop and it feels good to start anew.

Just so I can again fill it up with unnecessary junk again and then cry myself to sleep every night lol.

I also removed lots of bloatware and I actually have a sufficient amount of space on my OS (C: drive), which is fucking great because I now can finally play the Sims 4 again. 😭

#personal #the last time i did this was over a year ago #this time it took me three days and lots of usb drives and a couple of online storage websites because fucking hell #when do i ever learn #never i guess #but the last time i did this i still only had like 45gb on my os (out of 120gb) because of all that bloatware #that came pre-installed on my laptop #and i didn't research enough so i didn't know what was safe to uninstall #so now i did and holy moley i have 72gb now. instead of 40-something #plus the additional 1tb ofc #i'm still thinking about updating my ram sometime though #i only have 8gb which is not sufficient for running ps #i found some fairly cheap chips online and some good installing tutorial on yt so i should be able to do it myself #(and thus save money which is important) #i just need to find one that matches with my laptop lmao #anyway #i'm really trying not to install anything unnecessary this time #and maybe i'll actually fucking go through those drives of mine and delete the junk #(not likely ever to happen but here's to hoping)

[autumnhobbit]

.

#going for a second interview at this company feels a lot like religion at this point #namely: you can't prepare because they don't do it like other people #you have no fuckin clue what they're gonna say who's gonna be there what questions they'll ask what they care about #& have no idea how much if any you'll be able to talk #& when you're done you will likely have no idea how you did #i went in like the last day of january & they only called me back now #but it was one of the co-owners instead of hr asking me if i'd found a job yet & asking me to come in #so i will #i had given up on it frankly #don't want to get too invested so we shall see if anything happens #(i say that & yet i'm spiraling inside with all sorts of paranoias about our relationship & the shortness of life & the question of kids #idk. #in a lot of ways the last few years feel like they've turned me on my head & i have no idea who i am anymore or what i want #i have moments of passion & determination but not many & it often feels pointless #i feel helpless to do any of the things i really want to #maybe money will change that & maybe not #all i know is i need a change but i'm terrified of it all the same #i wish i could get over existentialing to death in every phase of my life #and not realizing how good it is/appreciating it until it's over

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#do i feel guilty abt spending like 4+hrs working on my CV during normal work hours today? yes #but also i spent 5 months getting paid part time when i was working 10+hr days 6 days a week #so i feel like it balances out #also i need to update my cv as things happen bc i instantly forget so many things i do #like i forgot i was named on at least 1 publication. like completely forgot until i searched my name on google scholar #also i have like 25 posters/presentations to my name. and only like maybe 5 of those are ones that r just in name #ive given a lot of talks/poster presentations lol #my cv is so long. i prob should have shortened it more before i sent it to the dude im talking with #but like. idk im gonna meet him next week so like if i commit a little faux pas by sending a too long cv im sure its fine. hes already #interested enough to chat. and therefore i have to bust my ass preparing to meet with him #bc hes from the most prestigious uni ive contacted. so like really theres no way ill get in. but i will shamelessly try #god. ive gotta really study hard. like i mean i dont have to but ive been so burnt out for so long that ive been slipping when it comes to #hardcore academic stuff. like my memory of genetics and chem stuff is slipping. and generally i find it difficult to wrangle my thoughts in #a way that makes sense. so i really wanna be prepared to talk to him #lol my boss is gonna get back from Europe like hey ur gonna follow me to las vegas? and im gonna be like haha fuck that i dont wanna live #there. i am currently 1 foot out the door. im at the bus stop waiting for someone to give me the money for the science bus #give me funding to study cool stuff!!!! #ugh and i still need to look for more ppl to ask. like i want at least 2 or 3 US options on top of my 3 potential UK options #and like im really considering contacting some ppl in Germany bc like all the papers i look at are german. the germans are doing cool #cyanobacteria bullshit. and im jealous and i dont speak german but hey ive got a year to learn #so idk maybe ill see if my boss talked to anyone cool while she was at her conferences. pls boss tell me abt the other cool cyanobacteria #ppl 🙏 but idk. i feel like ppl dont quite get what im interested in. bc its astrobiology but really its more evolution and understanding #the fundamentals of life. so like no i dont wanna go to mars. i wanna understand what freaky shit life was doing millons if years ago #ugh. im being a slacker. ive gotta shift into try hard mode. #but also i wanna draw and finish my fanfics 😭 we'll see what happens #unrelated #also thank u to the ppl who sent kind words on my post yesterday! im still shadowbanned so i cant reply to u 😭

[shiningstages]

Me lookin' at my lil content: d'aaaaaaaw it's so cute~

I wanted to do stuff before work, but I like blanked out since I'm sleepy (went to bed around 1? 2?? then woke up at 7:11; not terrible but not like Great) then did my required stretchies / looked up stuff for things~ Tomorrow I have my last PT session and follow-up, and then I plan on cleaning my room / generally just chilling out since it has been Forever, but now...I will try and schedule in time for OC thoughts today and tomorrow (still have to decide if Atlas would be primal or astral...and maybe compare some story stuff to make sure it's not stepping on any Canon toes...but maybe we also don't care about that second bit ghffjghfgvcccgkhf).

#;big bubble blowing baby! ( ooc ) #( i think...i'm gonna try and schedule my hair cut too. either saturday or next thursday #i love my long flowy hair but i've getting that feeling of just...can't take it anymore ghfjcghfcgkhgcjgv #BUT it's also supposed to get colder so i may wimp out because this hair Protects Me #i also have to talk with my workman's comp doc about specific restriction papers my store director gave me tomorrow (fear) #i don't really like feeling less useful at work; but i also have just accepted that i need to take care of myself #i'm hoping nothing Too Big happens with that because i still wanna bank a lot of money before going back to school #but also a tiny bit less hours a week (since i work around 37-39 rn) would be nice...maybe even an extra day off...more me time #in other news i've also had many vtuber thoughts GFDHGFHGFHJFGHF #the only important one is...accepting that i should just kind of Do It. instead of actively thinking of where i wanna be; if that makes #any sense #and wars gave me Big Incentive to clean my room in like a non-vtuber way; but also just like...the motivation!!! the hype!!! #i have a lot of steps in my mind to do my creative stuff; but my room Must be clean #not that all my stuff isn't on my dad's very nice desk but...i don't want any potential pc i buy to be there #it would be so much better environment-wise (aka not being in my kitchen where my dad always is and near the living room #where my bro always streams) plus it's a two-way street of i don't want to disturb them either #i thought about cleaning my mom's office but she literally told me no because she wants to clean it all herself #which her being like “i have to be the one to go through everything when cleaning” is just...i see where i get my attitude #BUT ANYWAYS #i need to get ready for work gfhgjfjgfhgkjgfcghfg being the closer so much is so tiring;; #hopefully tonight is good and i don't have to have Drama and anyone who freaks out )

[iinmysights]

my arm hurty and my nose pressy but almost $2k later my tattoo is finished teehee :3

#Ravage.txt #dl #i’ve been wanting this specific one for a good 3-4 years now so it’s bizarre to me that it’s. done. it’s all finished. i have it now #cant wait for the saniderm to come off i hope the yellow looks good on my skin tone 🙏🙏 highkey bled a lot right below my collarbone (and #that’s just what i noticed when i wasn’t reading fanfic) so it was really hard to see how the bit of color looked with the ever-present #ketchup and mustard (ink smear) combo. fingers fucking crossed it looks good bc that was three hours and i approved the bottle lmao #in my defense it looked good!!! great even!!! god i hope i don’t need to get it touched up/redone in the end ugh even more money #oh em gee this tag is so fitting when i typed ‘anyway’ #anyway bye i’m missing my favorite scene (blackout absolutely wrecking a base’s shit) #<- like yes i AM missing my favorite scene. granted it’s on purpose bc i’m going to bed i’m too tired to finish the movie but STILL #blowing a kiss to my action figure of blackout on my desk love u king one day i’ll get a copy so u can be in both modes at once #i haven’t even tried to transform him or megs bc i threw out the instructions for one on accident and lost the other </3 + they were expensy #af. and i like them in robot mode they’re so cool i’m so glad dad got me into collecting. i need r.otf a.rcee and 2007 b.arricade now frfr #i found them already but it’s like 30 or 40 bucks plus whatever shipping is and i both spent $500 on my tat today AND i’m saving for art #comms so like :/ blegh. BUT two weeks from now i may get a brief housesitting gig which will hopefully pay pretty well considering the labor #so who knows maybe i’ll get them! i love 2007 b.arricade honestly it’d be great to have him. and a.rcee is easily one of my favs as my #collection demonstrates (ULTIMATE fav is r.ipclaw). anyway night night my allergy med is working slightly so i’ll be able to actually sleep