#Me: okay i have a lot to do. ill start a queue and everything will b ok | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thessalian · 1 year

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Thess vs Thursday

So yeah, no, Thursdays are still a thing I have not got the hang of. Or maybe they just have it in for me, I dunno.

Slid on over to my work laptop to start the workday, finally got everything booted up and logged in etc (it always takes half past for-fucking-ever) ... and noticed that despite us not being very badly off yesterday, the typing queue was in a bit of a state. In fact, it appeared as though the queue hadn’t been touched since I logged off yesterday.

Then I checked my email. Had one from Scruffman, saying, “Yeah, if you were wondering why the typing queue’s insane, it’s because it’s only me, [Milady], and [this one other person who only really does filing] in today because illness, annual leave, and emergency leave. Nearly asked you to come in today but figured there was no point since we leave at the same time anyway. Sorry!”

I mean, dodged a bullet on the having to go into the office thing. Because seriously, no one who does any kind of typing is in today apart from me (for varying levels of ‘in’, obviously), so the last thing you can afford to do is put me in a position where I will be less productive. And I would be less productive at the office, owing to fewer microbreaks, worse chair, and ergonomics made of bullshit and baling wire. But still. No one typing but me and occasionally Milady if she had a minute. And she didn’t have a lot of minutes, obviously, because no one else being in.

So guess who got the entire typing queue all to themselves?

I managed to clear all of yesterday’s typing (everything from a little past 10am to just about 6pm; easily a hundred reports). I pushed too hard doing it, and I had to run a little over time to get the last few, but I got it done. This left me with five reports from this one woman who ... okay, her accent isn’t that bad. ...Okay, it is, but I’ve dealt with worse. It’s more that her voice is exceptionally high-pitched, and always ends on a rising note that effectively devolves into a squeak. Which it would appear is a migraine trigger; lucky me. Also had a couple of gentlemen whose accents I’m more or less used to but insist on talking with their mouths right up to the microphone - rather shitty microphones at that - so that you get the wonderful double act of “this is way to loud” and “you sound like you’re talking through a sock”. One of the newbies has not figured out how to use a foot pedal and her dictation breaks up in some really messy ways, and I dread the day it happens and she loses measurements or specimen descriptions or something I can’t fake. Not because I have any problems sending her an email letting her know that she cut shit out of a dictation (I have to do that at least twice a day anyway, because even the old hands apparently can’t figure out how the fucking foot pedal works), but because ... well, I figured it’d be good to know her email address for the inevitable moment when she does lose something I can’t fake, and it turns out she doesn’t fucking have one. I mean, I shouldn’t be surprised; she borrows everyone else’s logins for dictation so why the hell not just coast through the place like a ghost with no form of contact whatsoever? That’s not even going into the guy who yells and refuses to listen to me when I tell him, for the eighth time, that I need the number of specimens per block even if it is on another system because someone who needs to know this might not have access to that other system and it’s also a way to check for discrepancies!

So it’s been a hard day. I’d say things will probably go back to normal tomorrow but given sick leave and emergency leave, I have my doubts. Those things often take multiple days to resolve. And on top of that, next week is when my new extended hours start. Honestly, that’s probably for the best because I can not push as hard and still get more done than I was getting before. Also I have drafted an email to Scruffman flagging up yet again Temp’s tendency to cherry-pick the typing, which I will send the next time she’s really blatant about it. Generally I understand that she’s the one doing the long ones when I’m not there and leaving the ones I’m there for to me is a way to achieve balance, but since I’ll be working longer hours, the balance is going to change, and if I’m having to spend six or six and a half hours dealing with Ms Squeaky, Mr Choked-By-Sock, the one guy who averages ten minute dictations, every single fucking placenta report with its bits of fiddly, and all the rest of the stuff that I understand that no one wants to do because I hate them as much as anybody else ... well, no. No, that can’t keep happening. I’ve done everything. I’ve given Temp all my little snippets where you can just type in a code and have a full report there with only the measurements / weights and a few details needing to be changed a bit. I’ve offered to discuss it if there’s people she struggles to type for so that we can find a working balance. All I get is “Don’t stress about it” and I am fed up. But obviously not something you send until there’s something to point at and say, “Look. You do not get more blatant than this. I know she just goes back to cherry-picking every single time you take her to task about this, but something needs to be done to make her take these things in chronological order like the rest of us do”.

As you can probably tell, I’m not in a great mood. Doesn’t help that I didn’t have much time for breaks and food was “most of a bag of Doritos stuffed into my mouth between reports”. I’m going to relax, have a cookie, and later on I will make my chicken adobo. The chicken’s been marinading since last night so I’m hoping for good things.

#Thess has a day job

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grays-grace · 1 year

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fair enough fair enough

okay, don’t say i didn’t warn you, i’m about to be UNHINGED😈

SO, first of all, before the concert even STARTS, i was walking up to the queue, hoping and praying this was the right place, then i see a group of like 4 girls wearing willne masks and i’m like “okay, i’m in the right place, this is epic” and THEN the girl in front of me in the queue has goldfish-in-a-bag earrings which i am absolutely ENAMOURED BY but was too shy to actually say it so i was admiring them for the entire queuing time (she was there with her mum too, both seemed lovely, i hope she’s doing well)

then i’m IN THE CONCERT and the support act, hannah grae, was absolutely WONDERFUL! would totally recommend, if you’re a fan of james her music will be totally up your alley!!

then james marriott walks on stage and genuinely it didn’t feel real, in my head i’m like “holy shit funny youtube man i’ve been watching for years is ACTUALLY stood in front of me singing Grapes rn hooooly shit”

he played all of his songs except New Face (this does mean that yes, he actually played Slow Down, he told us to put our phone lights on for it and everything, truly 10/10 experience), he also did 2 unreleased songs :0 and offhandedly mentioned he’s working on his first LP right now(!!!), and he did a cover of Kill Bill and, exclusively for my show only, threw in a bonus cover of Model Buses, which was INSANE, his voice was very well-suited to both those covers, he did an excellent job

before playing Car Lights he did a thing where he just stood on stage playing the chords without vocals, and the whole crowd was singing the bridge to him, something about that moment just sticks to me, like there isn’t just one word i could use to describe that feeling i felt as everyone screamed those lyrics to him

and also after he finished Car Lights someone in the crowd shouted at him “HAVE MY CHILDREN” which i also think about a lot, i hope he’s doing well also

i remember also at one point i shouted at him “I LOVE YOU JAMES,” i didn’t even plan to do that, it just happened, i just NEEDED him to know

i think that’s all the highlights, bet you’re so glad you asked now aren’t you :,,D ~posi anon

i am actually very glad i asked, that sounds like a heavenly day honestly

ill definitely check out hannah grae, she seems absolutely wondeful

the bit before car lights mustve been such a cool thing to experience, im sure ill see videos of it at some point but nothing could live up to actually being there and im so jealous

im so glad you had such a lovely day, it sounds sick :D

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kylorens · 1 year

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Solid Snake and Finn for the ask game?

hey. send me a character/ship and I'll tell you

On the og reblog I said I won't be able to write down cohesive words but I'll try bc I usually NEVER get asks on my ask game reblogs lol THANKS <3

my general perception of them

Snake: OK so if you know me, you know what I'm going to say. This man HAS ME in his chokehold, okay? This man could throw me on the ground, stomp on me and I'd thank him. Somehow in such a short time he's become one of my favorite characters of all time. He's got the heart, the look and everything. I love the fact that he never stops trying. <3 Even though the world doesn't deserve this at all!!! I love him.

also I'm more of a moobs girl but i realized the importance of ass thanks to him. I also like thighs a lot so we will sexualize the old man.

Finn: FINN IS LITERALLY ONE OF MY FAV SW CHARACTERS and I just get SO MAD thinking how badly he was treated in the trilogy. I had such high hopes for him so it was so sad to watch it all fall apart. I still think if the EU ever starts to think about continuing on where TROS left, he still could be made into a Jedi knight. I WANT TO BELIEVE. (So far the only thing we have is the LEGO movies lmfao. Even they know that Finn should be training !!)

Anyway. I always thought that giving a redemption arc to a random stormtrooper was a great idea. Imagine if he became a full on Jedi ok not going back to that whole rant I absolutely love how big hearted he is and the way he got super courageous even in the first movie alone.

OKAY I CAN'T NOT SAY IT John Boyega is hot and I'm thankful for his hair transition in the later movies - especially in TROS he was HOT ASF.

@ lucasfilm I will fight you for what you've not done for Finn.

an unpopular opinion or, failing that, a fun fact

Snake: If this was an unpopular opinion about MG in general HO BOY WOULD I HAVE A MILLION. IDK what can be said about Snake that would be unpopular. I can't think of a fun fact either. ;_; so I'll widen the question (like i want snake to widen the gap between my legs ok ill see myself out) and say that I don't like how Snake was sidelined after MGS3 was hyped so hard and he became like a secondary character the BB and this is my villain origin story,

Finn: ok again. I don't think I have anything that would be unpopular opinion about Finn since I think we majorly agree that Finn was handled very badly. But I guess I can say one thing - I don't find the way he wants to be with Rey certainly A BAD THING. She was literally the first person after Poe who believed in Finn, and him tricking her made him feel awful about it. She was one of the reasons why he had changed his ways and I love their relationship, platonic or romantic. They are the best <3

music i associate with them (if any)

Snake: OK I HAVE SO MANY I've posted lots of Muse songs with MG characters already but I'll do it again ;)

Frou Frou - Let Go (I actually have a wip with this lol)

Family of the Year - Hero (Maybe too on the nose idc)

Muse - Map of the Problematique (OK BIASED bc this is one of my top top TOP muse songs ever. kinda snox vibes actually... the animations I have in my mind every time I listen to this. I always say to myself I'm going to make something with it and never do) Muse - The Handler (Writing this down too just because I've posted this before saying it fits Snake but I had just finished MG1 then and he was all I could think about, later I felt like it could also be Raiden's song. But. He fits Citizen Erased better.) Muse - Cave

Oasis - Part of the Queue

Imogen Heap - Headlock (in my otasune playlist...)

MFÖ - Mazeretim Var Asabiyim Ben

I probably have more and will be like "ah i should have added that one" but I can't think of anymore rn

Finn: Wish it was 2014-15 and I would have been in my peak SW era and give you a million songs. I can only give meme-y songs rn

Rober Hatemo - Sana Çinden Koşarım (he sings this to Rey)

Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive (and this to Kylo lmao)

if I feel (spiritually) like I could beat them in a fight

Snake: Just NO. LMAO. I think he would just laugh at me if I even tried to.

Finn: Before TFA? Maybe. He was only a sanitation worker. But I wouldn't want to 🥺

#ask game #so i went and wrote down an essay lmao

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bluewinnerangel · 2 years

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DEMY ARE YOU STILL WITH US?!

CAN YOU CONFIRM HE IS IN FACT REAL?!

I am on the other side of the world and still can’t move on from this. How does anyone with daily contact with him survive?

ALSO HIS SHIRT. ALSO HIS LIL CURL His curl I couldn't stop watching.... I got the good stuff men i was bless-ed my show fucking ruled so fking hard

Also orange shirt plus Teenage Dirtbag in Amsterdam? This plus that equals:

Also

I just wanna put this pic somewhere too where he might or might not be looking at me and my funny lil shirt im not gonna tell u what it is because i might wanna wear it again and i don't need to be recognised but like who knows its half a pixel but I love these pics lol like the experience bro to experience HIM. LIKE. HE'S REAL. HE'S THERE AND HE WAS SO GOOD. SO AMAZING.

Okay I'll try to stop all-capsing now and tell you all about it. Gonna put a cut in because BLAAAAA about the entire thing including a lot of personal experience queueing and seeing the fans and stuff so if you're here to read a beautiful written concert review about all the songs you're shit outta luck that mans everything i have no words for how mindblowing it was but ill throw some pics at the end to make up for all the rambling ok:

Before the concert - So first of all I have to acknowledge how much of a privilege it is to even be able to watch him like that, not just that he's got a show somewhere close enough to you it doesn't cost you a fortune to even be there (and then still.. to even be able to afford a ticket), and managing to get a ticket in the first place, but I joined the queue in the afternoon the day before in order to be sure of a good spot without being an asshole about it sdfasd (with that I mean, others ensured their spots with other tactics causing quite the.. vibe.. at the front there. It's not even the "cutting line" I'm bothered by it's the part where they'd just brag over and over how they did that. Like you're trying to make people around you feel like shit or start an argument like do you wanna get punched by a horde of exhausted people or what like let's just all enjoy the show instead maybe). Anyway about the privilege thing. You have to be able to afford the time and money to accommodate yourself and also.. who the fuck does that for anyone? that's insane it's absolute fucking insanity what the fuck are all of us what the fuck does this man do to us that we do that for him like it's. ridiculous. I can't believe how willing I was to do that ksadjlakj. I didn't think I was. I don't think it makes sense to do this. I'm gonna be honest here I don't enjoy this aspect of the fandom, this need to be in the first box of people to enter, to run to barricade (tbh that part was kinda fun), to exhaust yourself for 24+ hours, remove comfort, perhaps endanger yourself if you aren't able to do it properly for health reasons or just naivety or whatever, to all keep inching the time you need to be there to get a regular spot further up and up and up as tour goes on until people are claiming the venue doors a full 2 days in advance. And even on the day like if you wanna be in the first 2000 to get in you need to be there for like 8 hours (im just saying numbers here like these are prob total bs but you get the point) like either you camp to be in the first lil clump of people that are let in, or you just arrive just before it starts. Those are your options really. To be honest I wasn't planning on sitting there for 24hrs but I did, like on the spot I decided to stay, because I was there the day before just to bring my friends ( @ialwaysknewyouwerepunk and partner <3 EDIT: @caralara !!! I didn't know if you wanted to be tumblr official so I didn't tag but EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HI) some stuff for camping and then the plan was for me to go to sleep and join them early morning. But once the system was explained it was clear that would mean a lot of queueing by myself and I just wanted to be with them so I stayed and we managed and were somehow still prepared even though it was an improvised thing. It was actually really fun, I didn't mind any of it really. But that was 100% the company. And in that regard I do get this whole... situation we got going on before every show where fans are just all have a big camp out. It's addictive even, it's part of the whole experience, I do really get it, but for that aspect of it, not for the need to be at the front over and over again. That's just... an amazing perk then. Like really I'd queue again if there are people in it that I wanna hang out with and I wouldn't see them otherwise, but in no way am I sitting outside for that long solely to get a good spot at a concert. Even if that's louis. And the best fucking thing I've ever seen. Anyway on friday we just snoozed with a view of the tour bus which was like.. a night under the stars get it asddsf. The next day we sat in the front lil box for the special first 150 and it was funny to recognize a lot of common fandom faces and then figuring out from what exactly.

I also talked to one of the people working at the venue, and they said they've only seen something similar 4 or 5 events in the 20 years they've been doing this work, but they were all huge and in Ziggo Dome, another venue at that square. They also let us store our stuff in lockers beforehand at that venue instead (but i think a lot of people already had means to store their stuff)... I guess they got the memo we would NOT take ANY time putting those safe whatsoever once the doors opened. literally people were willing to risk their lives and possessions for a good spot. Really just all logic is out the window for louis tomlinson istg and I knew this of course but seeing it all around me was new. Oh but talking to other fans? TALKING TO ELLA? my PEOPLE my PEEOPLLLEEEEE I'm SO happy I got to meet you two you are such amazing amazing kind souls we're absolutely gonna meet again weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

So it got pretty shit about 2 hrs before we could get in, because the sun was JUST behind the building and all of us had already stored all our stuff and the temp was being weird, like it almost heated up and then it didn't so we weren't doin too well luv and that was the first moment I really felt like this wasn't it this wasn't the way akasljsal.

Inside - Once the doors opened of course it was total chaos and we ran and managed to get on what I think was 4th row? but by the end it was like 6 or 7. We were slightly to the left, this is the exact spot with the help of louis pointing at me of course its potato footage:

There was a water sent into the crowd, us and the people in front and behind us had a job like we were constantly busy handing over plastic cups, both full ones into the crowd and empty ones back, it got a bit less motivated to keep that up after a while but let me tell you i NEEDED that water and so i also wanted everyone behind me to get it if they'd feel like me or worse. I was well hydrated, i needed to pee but you don't notice it at all with all the adrenaline, but with all the screaming and jumping and post covid lungs/throat you need it.

The intro is LOUD. LIKE. LOUD. Like I felt that everywhere and it adds to the buildup and anticipation perfectly and then the curtain falls and he walks in and I apparently look like a child with wonder in its eyes when he came on, because these bitches were filming me (<3) and I got to see my reaction and its .. askdljalks cute I guess. yeah and then he was just there. he was there. in HD boy real life in very high quality did you know that? and hes fucking perfect like seriously what the hell and he just-. I don't have words I don't get it. I was going in between losing my shit dancing and singing and everything, just standing there staring at him, and trying to take some pictures. Unfortunately the taking pictures caused me to miss his stupidass smileyface green wink flickering thing (did you pick that up online? Yeah it did.). I was taking pictures at that exact moment but it didn't catch it rip.

Another unfortunate bit was that my hearing got fucked from the beginning with all the screaming so I didn't get to fully experience his sound but it was already SO overwhelming in every other aspect I didn't even really mind plus the premise of seeing him again ASAP and experience it then, with the assumption I'll get a ticket (got my eyes on Antwerp so if anyone has one please) that is.

Then there were the stops... again... I don't know if it was just one person or multiple that needed assistance but the show got stopped 2 times and you can tell he's so fking sick of it. I was fking sick of it. Anyway shits not nice of me to say, perhaps these people were in big need of assistance for reasons out of anyone's control and it did end badly but you just get so desensitized to it when it happens constantly I'm just afraid people are either clueless to the point where they just didn't know they couldn't handle it, that with not knowing how to take care of themselves included, or knowing they can't but are willing to risk everything to see him... or they're exaggerating, perhaps not even consciously, to get an unfortunate notice. Like OmG LoUiS CaReS aBoUt Me yeah but do u care about louis anyway I'm just afraid of people, louis included, not responding anymore when there's a very critical emergency at some point and everyone yells to stop the show and louis is just like bitch here we go again whenever i stop the show everyones just good what are we doing lemme just continue? you know? I thought he said something like "really?" something too but it's all a blur.

have a pic have a pic

But man the ENERGY? THE CONFIDENCE? THE even though i know every single fucking bit of this show because ive watched lives 30+x times this was still just all so .. another level. Ella warned me beforehand that it's nothing like it. The lives are missing the sound the vibe the entire stage his whole body how he moves how he talks where he is within the space how awesome his band is the crowd EVERYTHING and man I was not prepared. I have a lil confession i always thought he was a lil awkward. Cute awkward but still... I thought he was awkward and turns out you can make the most confident man look awkward when you zoom in on their face performing without showing the rest of the performance, environment, nothing, and perhaps further made awkward by you as the viewer sitting in your pjs snacking in front of a screen watching it, who knew, apparently. BOY OH BOY he is NOT awkward. He owns that fking stage. What the fuck. Not even a lil bit. I was so so so wrong. I'm. intimidated lol (somehow wasnt at all when he pointed ... i was like YUUUUUHHH BROOOO BRING IT [my partner is telling me to make an edit of mad max where hes like HE LOOKED AT ME HE LOOKED ME STRAIGHT IN THE EYE!!!! i just might]) but yeah so yeah jesus christ omg.

picspics this is a ramble

As for things during the concert I noticed that were cute outside of the regular program... there was a sign in the crowd that said stage dive or something so he saw it, laughed at it, and then pretended to stage dive. it was cute af. he did rock paper scissors, he pointed and agreed with a sign that asked if they could smoke a joint together after the show, he cracked the absolute fuck up about a sign that said "stroganoff to get it wrong? In front of all these people" which was all the way to the right of the stage. Like he deadass just stayed in it it was so fking hilarious watching him just crackling.

He was vibing with someone off stage and making funny movements idk what it was but i was just staring like oh. He really loved some signs all the way to the left as well but I didn't know what they were.

He REALLY hated someone else that seemed to be at barrier on the left of the stage too, it was like... like a fucking dagger stabbed me lol he just gave them the 2 fingers british fuck you sign, then walked away not looking at them and flipping them off behind his back but it was with SUCH force. He was MAD. No idea what he saw but he was not happy. He then looked at one of the bandmembers like yeah they deserve it kinda thing.

He said "I see ya at the back" at some point and we looked back and didn't really see anything. There was a group cheering and jumping, so my best guess is he saw them vibing. There were pride flags on the balcony tho so it could have been that as well.

When he jumped off the stage during kmm we lost him for a long time and then he popped up reaaaaallyl short he just went BLOOP and gone, not sure about that, maybe someone pulled him? idk.

Also he refused to acknowledge a sign that said something not very interesting because we were right behind it and every time he came close like CLOSE CLOSE like i can SEE YOU SO WELL RN close the fucking sign would pop up with the speed of 28 lightyears so stronk so high so present I couldn't see him basically at fucking all i mean... it needs an arrow to show you where louis is because you can't fucking seeeeeeeeee, this is no zoom what it looked like:

I mean.. after the 5th time he has stood right in front of you reading it you don't need to keep holding it up after that? He's read it. What do you want him to do? I'm sorry he's just not gonna interact with it the 28th time if he hasn't 27 times before. It's done lemme see him please :') But this is going somewhere I promise because after a while at more than one occasion he tried to look around it at fucking us god damn it and it was in the way and so I missed 2 or 3 interactions that were directed at either one of us or one of the people next to us because only one of us at the time could see him whenever he got near so I just got half of a sentence or movement or whatever that I couldn't make out now and then, no idea, maybe watch an uploaded live, I know this one was very close to us, maybe I will, but there's one happening very soon so. Anyway he could've been interested in giving us that lil pointypoint for many reasons of which half aren't mine to tell so I won't, but for me it was just 1) going fucking mental, and it wasn't to like get him to see me do that, but lemme tell you when he confirmed that he did and enjoyed it I just got such a fucking sense of like this is the tiny thing I just gave back to him that he's given me. That seems weird probably but I'm very very held back, not just with a celebrity everyone wants to get near it seems, but with anyone I'm just always thinking I'm violating peoples space and I annoy you when I alert you of my existence basically that's just a me thing and makes me not want to like, meet him, send him anything, just... nada. Like I just don't wanna bother anyone. But like this? It's perfect. He had all the freedom to not acknowledge me but he did on his own free will because he enjoyed it and fed off the energy there seeing how ALDKJSDKLJLK we were going from his music and performance? what the fuck else would i want like shit that's just. thats perfect. But then there's 2) which is my shirt, which again I'm not gonna say just yet but you're welcome to ask me in a dm if we talk of course, but it's just combining 2 things he's big on so it would make sense it'd catch his attention.

But that's not what I came there for. I don't wanna be like y/n moment xoxo let's get more (but also, I do now, because he RUINED IT. HE RUINED IT. nothing is gonna compare to him fucking being like YO THIS BITCH IS GOING FOR IT *P O I N T S* like fuck) I just wanted to see him at least once because I could, and I was honestly planning on getting there just before it started and standing at the back by myself, chilling. But that's not what I got, I got to meet amazing people and had the fucking time of my fucking life holy shit. Like everything went better than I could've ever imagined and he was better than i had imagined and i already thought he was everything.

LOOK AT THAT FUCKER WITH THE POINT THAT WILL SHIT ON MY FUTURE CONCERTS:

#also im tagging my pic posts #my photo #so i guess i should do this one too #also theres still more coming i just didnt make it before the next concert apparently rip im exhausted #maybe #maybe.#WITNESS ME

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jjk-anime-horray · 3 years

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Monster: The Finale

Megumi Fushiguro x Reader

Chapter Summary: you finally figure out what was happening between yourself and Megumi, but not without the help of a certain someone.

Trigger Warning: Heavy Cussing

Previous Chapters: Part One, Part Two

A common occurrence when someone contemplates their own feelings is that they often tend to deny them, and that was what exactly you were doing with yourself.

Denial is often easier than facing the truth is these types of situations, or any type of situation that requires romantic feelings. It's a safety net that any smart person develops to guard themselves from possible rejection, unrequited feelings, and overall emotional trauma.

The second step after denial in this messy process called developing a crush and love is realization.

Usually in a normal circumstance the third and fourth steps of this crazy process would self and serene acceptance, then swift confrontation and or confession if there wasn't any conflict, but you were not normal by any means you were a jujutsu sorcerer. Your definition of acceptance is having a silent mental breakdown in your room.

Some normal thoughts of a person at stage three would be what should I do next? Should I confess or is it only a mini crush that would pass quickly? Maybe I should ask them on a date. Am I their type?

But in comparison these were some of yours: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, shit fuck fuck, oH mY GOd! wHy?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! ugggggg, i want to vomit, this is gross, maybe if I eat enough food i'll forget that this ever happen.

One thing that your past didn't allow was to develop any crushes before this really, or feelings for anyone, or genuine bonds with people, you were literally were clueless to this sort of thing, and most social queues. You may be able to create illusions, but right now you can't create the image that everything is going to work out in your favor. Megumi hated you right?

Luckly for you someone just busted there way into your room to snap you out of your thoughts.

"(Y/N)! I was looking for you everywhere! Baka! why didn't you answer any of my texts?!?" Boomed the angry voice of the currently agitated Nobara, but her face of anger turned into one of concern once she saw you crouched down in the corner of your room. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, no, I don't know, I just had a little freak out session about the stupidest thing."

"It couldn't have been that stupid if it left you a complete mess." She says this in a littler bit of a bean tone, but you know she means anything but ill intent when she sits down next too you and starts rubbing your back caringly, trying to comfort you. "You know I still can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong." The orange haired girl vocalized.

"It still doesn't change the fact that it's dumb."

"Not dumb."

"Dumb."

"I can't make the judgement of if it's dumb or not if you don't tell me what it is."

"Okay, it's because I like someone." After that you heard a little snicker escape from you friends mouth. "Told you it's dumb."

"Gaining feelings for someone can be stressful.......especially if it's your first time ever doing so like in your case."

"It's a bit childish."

"It is a bit childish, but hey at least yourself aware!" She exclaimed to try to lighten the mood. "What was the part of gaining feelings for someone that stressed you out so much?"

"Because the person I like hates my guts."

"That's bullshit! No one here hates your guts, unless you've been betting up people behind my back."

"They still don't like me at all though."

"Still doubt it."

"It's Megumi."

... ... ... Silence ... ... ...

PFFFFFFT, HAHAHHAHHHAHAHHAHA was the noise that came from beside you, followed by your orange haired friend trying to pull herself together.

"What's so funny Nobara?!"

"You caused all this drama for yourself, worrying that the person you like hates you, but they clearly like you. I'm sorry it's just hilarious."

"I don't understand, we don't really talk that much, and whenever we do it's not for that long, I don't understand how he could like me at all."

"My friend, he doesn't talk to you that much not because he hates you it's because he doesn't know how to talk to you and he gets nervous. He told me himself that he likes you, and how he can't bring himself to talk to you."

"Wait, what?!? I feel like Yuji would have told me something like this because I asked him to help me figure out why Megumi didn't like me and he had no idea."

"It's because he didn't tell Yuji, he didn't want you to know, and plus do you think Yuji can actually keep a secret?"

"Alright fair that makes sense, but why did he look like he wanted to kill me when I was talking to Yuji."

"Dude."

"What?"

"You're so oblivious it's not even funny. He was jealous you dummy! He wasn't glaring at you he was glaring at Yuji."

You didn't even now what to think. It was so confusing and made complete sense at the same time. It explains a lot of other things too.

"What should I do now?"

"It's up to you really, but personally I would reccomend confessing to him, because just between you and me, he's just as dense as you are in this topic. I hate to say this to you, but both of you suck at the social thing."

You spring up with your heart filled with all sorts of emotions. Joy, excitement, nervousness, curiosity were all examples of the emotions you were feeling. Fueling you like a kid who just ate a bunch of candy you ran off to talk to Megumi with just as much happiness as a child in a candy shop.

Mystery solved I guess, right? Now you just have to close the case between you and the one who cause this, Megumi Fushiguro.

#anime #weeb #x reader #manga #platonic #romantic #nobara x reader #kugisaki nobara #jjk fanfic #jjk nobara #jujutsu kaisen fanfic #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jjk x reader #jjk megumi #megumi fushiguro x reader #megumi fushiguro

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gullethead · 3 years

Note

what is your opinion on tamsyn muir discourse (and also what is the discourse)

THANK you. okay warning for discussion of fictional sexual assault, real life CSA (not something she did), plus 2012-era homestuck fandom typical stuff

please rb this btw, unless you dont want to, in which case dont. also if you have any corrections or additional information to consider please add by all means

disclaimer: im not in the habit of writing essays defending whichever internet personalities i like. ill admit theres potential bias, given that i read the books before i learned about this, but im really being as objective as possible and i just think people are taking a misguided or half-formed stance on this. if you still dislike her or w/e after this thats, like, perfectly in your rights. im not defending an adult woman on the internet, im explaining the facts as ive seen them and understand them. additional disclaimer that i havent experienced sexual assault at all myself

okay so tamsyn muir is currently well-known as the author of the locked tomb trilogy (aka gideon the ninth and harrow the ninth), but for a certain section of tumblr shes also well known as urbanAnchorite, and used to be a big name fan on here up until around 2014 - pretty close to everything here is going to be from roughly 2011 through 2014, except for an interview im gonna get into, so 7-10 years ago. i was only vaguely aware of her until after i got into the locked tomb and saw people talking about this. with that in mind:

so the MAJORITY of the discourse revolves around a single fic she wrote on AO3. her account has 19 works in homestuck, and some of them are Kinda Weird to Pretty Bad in retrospect, but being completely honest this is the only one that isnt completely stock standard for homestuck fandom in that time period. like if we started casting stones about ten year old fandom stuff we'd be here all day

here is the fic (warning for CSA)

in most of the posts about it ive seen, theyve described it as a "rapefic," but actually reading it, it's a lot more nuanced than that description implies. its a dark story where a grown man abuses a girl, from the man's perspective, and the story ends with him being killed by her friend. the description of the assault is treated very seriously by the story and barely even touches on any actual sex, before immediately cutting to him being killed. its lolita if humbert got shot to death; the title itself comes FROM lolita

(sidenote - it was inspired by a prompt on kinkmeme, but that doesn't really mean anything vis a vis being intended for sexual enjoyment, and according to the note actually went against the spirit of the request)

ive seen fics, lots and lots of fics, that would qualify as the term "rapefic." it tends to be pretty fucking obvious when someone is using sexual assault as a fetish, and this is Not That

tamsyn herself actually responded to this in an excellent interview early last year. she gets into some Fandom Mom type language, but essentially says what i said above. in it, she also says this:

It’s not the first time I’ve been accused of being a paedophile. I grew up gay in the nineties. Homosexuality and paedophilia were enmeshed in society’s minds. When I came out, I got told that I shouldn’t be around children. I was used to that because it was common discourse, and it hurt like all hell, but it didn’t shock me. When I got called a paedophile by Twitter I got clotheslined. My support network had to get in pronto. I was very ready to have a hot date with a length of rope, a date I have arranged and cancelled multiple times over my life. I have had lots and lots of therapy over the years for various conditions, some of them lifelong and some not, but when that Twitter call-out happened it was hard to want to live. I thought I knew so intimately what I was doing with my fiction; my therapist was always so supportive of me writing about it. I have not been open about being a CSA survivor because, again, I grew up in the ‘90s. ‘Lesbian’ and ‘CSA survivor’ is just carte blanche so a whole queue of people can tell you, I HOPE ONE DAY, WITH LOVE AND SUPPORT, YOU CAN BE STRAIGHT. It was like, right this way to the invalidation booth. I didn’t even tell most of my girlfriends! I told one! It’s not a topic of discussion between me and my family; I am relying on them not reading my interviews so it can remain where it belongs: thoroughly undiscussed!

with this context it becomes... a lot more nuanced of a topic. an author who experienced CSA in addition to growing up in a cultural climate where gay people were pedophiles by default, especially growing up catholic in a rural community, wrote a work about childhood sexual assault (which also happened to be fanfiction) as a way of working through it for herself, which is... something a lot of artists do with their art? and in return she got a massive blowback on twitter accusing her of pedophilia and demanding she talk about a massively traumatic moment in her life

this is the major sticking point of the discourse, im not gonna get into anything else on this post, but this is my view of it. if you disagree or have anything to add then feel free to add on. again, i know what it looks like, but im not trying to uncritically defend a stranger just cause i like her book. this is the conclusion i came to after doing a lot of digging for myself

#the locked tomb #tamsyn muir #also by the by im not an 'anti-anti' or whatever so go fuck yourself in advance and log off. please #i think theres nuance to be had in that conversation but its not whatever the fuck that is

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hatari-translations · 3 years

Text

Matthías on Vikan með Gísla Marteini, 05.03.21

Once again Matthías appeared on this weekly talk show, this time mostly to discuss A Song Called Hate. Most of the show isn't about him or the film, but I'll summarize basically everything Matthías comments on nonetheless, and then fully translate the bits centered on him/Hatari. The other guests on the show with him this time around are former politician and activist Sóley Tómasdóttir and geologist Kristín Jónsdóttir.

Slated for the end of the show is a performance of a new song by Bubbi Morthens raising money for the Women's Shelter; Gísli Marteinn asks if they've heard the song, and Matthías says he hasn't but is looking forward to it. He then asks how they're feeling this Friday night; Matthías says he's in a light and happy mood, even though he's a bit ill (Gísli Marteinn uses the word lurða for his sickness, and Matthías maintains he thinks it ought to be luðra; both seem to be recognized). He notes that he has been tested negative for COVID. Gísli Marteinn quips that the nation would never forgive him if he infected Kristín, who is an expert on earthquakes and has been part of the team reporting on the ongoing wave of earthquakes in Iceland, which potentially signifies an oncoming volcanic eruption.

There's a humourous segment where Gísli Marteinn goes over the news of the week, and they discuss the earthquakes for a while. Krístin says science needs all sorts of people, which Matthías can be heard agreeing with, and says she's the biggest extrovert on the earthquake specialist team; Matthías jokes about whether that's why they got her to go on TV. Sóley references actor Villi Neto saying on Twitter that he's transitioning from being a self-appointed expert on earthquakes to one on volcanic eruptions, and Matthías says, "Villi Neto, always one step ahead."

Following that, Gísli Marteinn asks if he's been following the earthquakes. He says he hasn't been following them, but has of course felt them, like everyone has. "It's easy to ask the big questions, or the wider context, when the Earth is shaking below you. You're just, 'I'm a pawn'. That's the feeling I get. But it doesn't shake me awake, like people have complained about." Gísli Marteinn says it startles him, and makes a joke about that making him sound like politician Brynjar Níelsson; Matthías laughingly asks why they keep talking about him (there was also a joke about him in the news of the week segment), and Gísli Marteinn explains that he's very easily startled.

Later they mention that none of them have ever experienced such an extended deluge of earthquakes within their lifetimes. Kristín admits she doesn't really know what it was like in 1973 and 1933. Matthías says, "Ah, yes, those years we all know." (Of the four of them, only Gísli Marteinn was born by 1973.)

They talk about the possibility of an eruption, which the experts have gone back and forth on a bit as the situation evolves. Gísli Marteinn suggests it might just be good for tourism (the eruption is highly unlikely to put people in danger or cause serious damage). Matthías says "Yeah, just to draw attention? I was going to say, are foreign news anchors going to try to say the name, if we get an eruption? Will it be news of that level?" He's referencing the eruption of Eyjafjallajökull in 2010, which gave foreign newscasters a lot of trouble to pronounce, causing Icelanders no end of amusement. Kristín points out that unlike that eruption, this one would not be likely to affect air traffic, so it wouldn't be as internationally dramatic, but nonetheless there is some press interest. They try to remember what the name even is this time; they're thinking of Þráinsskjaldarhraun ('Þráinn's shield lava field'), which was joked about in the news summary segment earlier, but Gísli Marteinn starts with "Þrándar...?", misremembering the name Þráinn as the similar name Þrándur, and Matthías improvises the intentionally overlong "Þrándarskjaldargígaraðahraun" ('Þrándur's shield volcanic fissure lava field'). Kristín points out it'd be more likely it'd be referred to as the eruption of Fagradalsfjall ('Beautiful valley mountain'), which may not be so bad. Matthías says Fagradalsfjall with an exaggerated American accent.

They talk about how COVID has been basically eliminated in Iceland (unfortunately just today it was discovered that somebody with the British strain managed to infect two people in their building without having even interacted with them, and one of those people attended a concert with 700 people on Friday), while Sóley lives in the Netherlands where the situation is much worse; Matthías asks jokingly if she's allowed to be there, which she affirms.

She describes how there's a curfew at 9PM and you can be fined for being outside at all. Matthías goes "Díses" (the crude Icelandicization of "Jesus" used like the English exclamation which I've mentioned on this blog before). She says there's an exception if you have a dog, and people have talked about renting out their dogs; Matthías laughs and quips, "A dog loan black market."

Gísli Marteinn asks her about the Dutch language and difficulty pronouncing it; she says some words, and Matthías automatically imitates them. This causes Gísli Marteinn to ask about his German:

GÍSLI MARTEINN: You're fluent in German, aren't you? I just remember in Eurovision--

MATTHÍAS: I speak German at the level of a polite ten-year-old child.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: But you were there, drawing all the attention -- this is a diversion into talking about the film, A Song Called Hate, which is about Hatari and is in theaters now --

MATTHÍAS: So me bullshitting in Dutch was your cue? Wow, nice.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: Well, it's a great movie, and an incredible journey that's fun to see. But you were drawing a lot of attention, and I was there, there was a queue of the biggest media organizations in the world wanting to interview you. And I thought you were total heroes in all this, I've said it a lot, and really brave.

MATTHÍAS: Thank you.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: But there you were just dealing with the Frankfurt Allgemeine and big German newspapers, in German, like it was nothing!

MATTHÍAS: Yeah -- well -- they did the interview in English, and I was scared to show them that I knew any German, and the interview was over. They were leaving. And then I sort of tried to say something, just to be fun or something, I don't remember what I said, and then just, "Sprichst du Deutsch?!" And they just, "Come back in!", and they wanted to do everything all over again. And I had to struggle through some German, trying to describe Hatari in German, "Industrielle BDSM dystopische Technomusik-Performance-Gruppe von Island", something like that, and they just, "Wow! Industrielle! Okay!" They thought that was very impressive. So yes, I could make my way through that, but then the headline on the interview was just, "These cool guys show their soft side, speak of their grandmother", something like that. It was not a cool interview.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: But okay, you were there, and you've got CNN and all these channels, and you're really going hard, talking about apartheid --

MATTHÍAS: Yes.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: -- apartheid in Israel, which was a word that you were reprimanded for using, or probably.

MATTHÍAS: We suspect that that was the line, so to speak. You can't really put your finger on it, because nobody says it, but you get that feeling. And we met -- this is all in the movie -- a professor, a Palestinian of Israeli descent, who came and met us at the hotel, I think illegally. At least he took a multi-hour circuitous route so that he couldn't be tracked. And he had written academically about apartheid in Israeli law, how it's very well concealed but effective nonetheless. Who can buy houses where, who's allowed to do what. But it was just so trippy to be in this Eurovision bubble, and all these interviews, "Oh, wow, you speak German!", and then you arrive at the hotel, kind of exhausted, maybe wearing some -- Klemens was wearing this pink plastic getup that night -- and then there's just this professor going, "I've been waiting for you." Klemens describes how he met him. And just all these realities clashing there, the entire time.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: You have to play the part of pop stars on the stage, and make Iceland proud, and then you have to make your Palestinian friends proud with some protest -- it's a tough situation!

MATTHÍAS: Yeah, just trying to walk the correct path through those narrow streets, or expectations, or... trying to follow your heart through an... 'unprecedented time'. [The COVID-19 pandemic caused a real surge in the use of this term, which I'd guess was much less used in Icelandic than in English; he's obviously aware that's what he's drawing on as he says it, even though it's not incorrect to describe their Eurovision journey as that either.]

GÍSLI MARTEINN: Did you think -- what do you say, girls, how did you think the stunt went, as a whole?

KRISTÍN: Awesome. Just incredibly cool.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: Yeah, I agree!

SÓLEY: I had some trouble with it, because I didn't know what to do, whether I should boycott or not, so in the end, what I always do when I don't know what to do is talk to my most radical friends and do whatever they say. So I boycotted and didn't watch you guys. Still know what you did, I wound up seeing it, but officially I was boycotting it. And I think it's interesting, that thing you were saying about walking that path. That's something that people who are in human rights activism in general -- I've had that with feminism and when I talk to companies and organizations about what they should do, and it's always -- you both get criticized from the radical side and are too radical for the conservative side, and you have to represent RÚV but also -- it's a really tough situation to be in.

MATTHÍAS: Yeah.

SÓLEY: And that's what we're all always dealing with.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: The film shows that really well!

SÓLEY: How do we change the world without going too far, but still going far enough.

MATTHÍAS: Yeah, exactly. This is... something I've pretty much been processing since then.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: But how do you feel about it now? The movie is out, which tells a bit of this story...

MATTHÍAS: Yeah. Maybe it's the end of a chapter. I don't know. It's just been rattling inside you for... two years now.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: I feel like everyone's really proud of you.

KRISTÍN: Yeah, I think so too.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: I feel like everyone thinks that you just hit exactly the right note.

MATTHÍAS: Yeah, thank you. You can't really know -- I don't know the alternate realities where we did something else.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: Let's look at a clip from the movie, where you're basically deciding, out there, in a hotel room, what you can really do.

MATTHÍAS: Nothing was really decided.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: Well, okay. Where you're discussing it.

MATTHÍAS: Yeah, we're discussing it, sure.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: And it's self-explanatory, but you're there just lying in bed, musing on what can be done, and it's a bit like the idea is being born.

MATTHÍAS: Yeah. And in the movie we're changing our minds left and right.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: Yeah, many times. And you're even considering getting everyone to make some statement together...

MATTHÍAS: Yeah. Are we going to do something on the stage? No, we can't do that because there's a delay, and if we go off-script they'll switch to a recording, so the stage is kind of not within our power to affect. Where do we have a voice? And yeah, then we realize something in this clip.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: And then you got this idea, which we'll see now.

[Clip from A Song Called Hate, transcript:]

ANDREAN: Start with the gay flag, everybody knows that gig. Then I just start with the trans flag, people will love that. And then all of a sudden, the Palestinian flag?

MATTHÍAS: Yeah, like, that's something I hadn't thought about, because that time, voting is over...

KAREN(?): The competition is over.

MATTHÍAS: The competition is over, and the camera is on us, live--

EINAR: Interesting.

MATTHÍAS: Something we hadn't thought about.

[laughter]

KAREN(?): It's too late to kick you out then.

[End clip]

GÍSLI MARTEINN: It's too late to kick you out of the contest at that point, like someone says -- please excuse the lack of subtitles.

MATTHÍAS: Yeah, yeah. Andrean was brainstorming about flags, because he'd been waving the Pride flag and the trans flag, and whether the Palestinian flag couldn't just be a continuation of that. And then we realize, what he's saying, yeah, that's the only moment that's truly live. The moment where we can --

GÍSLI MARTEINN: There's no recording.

MATTHÍAS: Yeah. There's no recording of us cheerfully waving the Icelandic flag, like they always -- that's what that shot of us was for, for you to be all "Whoo, we got points!" Just a few seconds, and we managed to make use of them, and that's good.

They move on to how Kristín used to be in a band in junior college. She mentions singing in "Óðríkur Algaula", which both Gísli Marteinn and Matthías are confused by; it's the internal song contest of the junior college she went to, MH (same one I did, so I recognized it). It's named for the Icelandic name of Cacofonix, the questionably talented bard from the Asterix comics. They show a clip of a music video she did, and while she concludes she's found her true place in life now as a geologist and won't be returning to it, Matthías says, "Never say never."

They talk a bit about a new craze for cross-country skiing; Sóley says back in the day you'd just do proper skiing. Matthías amusedly questions the idea that cross-country skiing is not proper skiing, but admits he knows nothing about this. "Isn't it just sliding down a hill on two planks?" He is clearly not a skier.

At the end, Gísli Marteinn asks what they're planning to do this weekend.

MATTHÍAS: I'm going to try to write a play.

GÍSLI MARTEINN: Yeah, aren't you the resident playwright for the City Theater?

MATTHÍAS: All this movie talk, I've forgotten where my head's supposed to be at. Now it's just playwriting.

#hatari #a song called hate #matthías tryggvi haraldsson #interview #translation

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16woodsequ · 3 years

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📓

Okay! More daydream fanfic plots.

So this one is one I doubt I will ever write because it is too long and convoluted and would be super hard to write coherently, but the exercise did help me grow a whole pile of headcanons about the characters.

Way back after Infinity War came out, I began a deep dive into a daydream fix-it.

In this fix-it, everyone, literally every character we've seen in the mcu, whether they died in the Snap or not, suddenly finds themselves in the Soul Stone.

(Why? Because.)

And while in the Soul Stone, they have no powers, and can't seem to get out. Instead, they all have to sit and watch as, one by one, their life story plays out like a movie for everyone to see. (Obviously not everything, but the important moments.)

I decided Thor's life would start, and we see him grow up and live with Loki. Then we see his eventual banishment and the events of the mcu.

Next is Loki and my headcanons for his life. All of the sudden his behaviour in Thor's vision makes more sense, and everybody learns that he was captured and tortured by Thanos. Queue Thor realising Odin's A+ Parenting.

After that is Steve, and everyone gets a glimpse of what his life actually was like, including but not limited to: Joseph Rogers' A+ Parenting, bullying, friendship with Bucky, illness, Sarah's death, the horrors of war, SHIELD's A+ Parenting, PTSD and alienation in a new world, and Bucky's return.

Queue realisations of how bloody messed up his life is.

Then it's Bucky's turn, and we see his full life, the war, his capture and conditioning by Hydra, his escape and life and recovery afterwards etc.

Queue more understanding towards him as the Winter Soldier.

We then move on to Tony, and we see his difficult childhood, Howard's A+ Parenting, his parent's death, Tony's capture and escape, work with Avengers etc.

Queue realisations of why he made the choices he did, and why he and Steve clashed so badly originally.

These are the people I usually focused on the most during my daydreaming, but I would also touch on Clint, Natasha, Sam, Peter Parker and T'Challa.

Basically the whole premise was Things would have been better if people understood each other and what better way to do that than force them watch each other's life and understand everything.

Eventually they would watch all of the lives, and be released from the Soul Stone, and be able to go after Thanos as a united force.

This daydream was mostly for my own amusement, but it really helped me get a feel for the characters—Steve especially—and it gave me a lot of headcanons to put in other fics and to write oneshots about.

#asks #fanfic #daydreams #long post

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du0tine · 3 years

Text

well, fuck.

this isn’t great. frankly its horrible.

it’s never fun being suspended so high in the air with the harsh winds blowing roughly in your direction forcing you to seek shelter against the icy and snowy mixture of rock that sits atop the towering mountain.

to be honest, had it been any other day this would’ve been thrilling. being up here in harsh conditions, struggling to hold on and testing my mental and physical capabilities would’ve been so much fucking fun.

but there are days where you just imagine the rope that holds you up so high, snapping and slicing against a sharp piece of rock as you plummet to your death. the sky is the last thing you see, the butterflies in your stomach going mad from the sudden drop and you can’t help but think, “im going to die.”

most people, in this case: climbers that is, don’t want to die. they understand the risks, they know that given what they do things are bound to happen and im someone who understands that concept very well. but some of us are just so desensitized to the point that death feels like nothing, we’re used to losing team mates, friends and lovers. i just didn’t understand why i wanted for it to happen to me so much.

climbing is a large part of my life amongst other things; friends, family and other significant factors. all pieces both large and small that factor into what i call my life, something that i can’t help but be grateful for. but sometimes i realize life is fleeting. i realize just how short it is and sometimes i realize that, you know what? im okay with dying. whether it be today, tomorrow or the day after, i understand that death is inevitable and sometimes i just yearn for it to happen a little faster.

it often comes and goes, starting with tears and ending with cold, blank and rather monotone eyes gazing into the emptiness. i don’t know what it feels like exactly, the physicality is easy to understand but when i have to put into words its too hard. but it feel freezing cold, isolation hurts, solitude is pain. im all alone with nothing and no one and in fact, i do think im alone despite everything.

i just know im alone.

i have so many people in my life but it’s hard for me to understand why they’re here, it becomes difficult for me to keep them in my life. i find it hard to continue to speak with lifelong friends, keep in touch with cousins and other family. my parents and siblings (my brothers only being 3 & 5) being the only people i can speak to without feeling so choked up.

i speak to people ive met here (tumblr) but it never goes past a few conversations that occur from time to time and to those i do talk consistently with i can’t help but feel like i annoy. sometimes people reach out to me for advice, for guidance and of course, i aid them. it only pains me a little to never be asked if im okay in return but whatever right? as long as the people are happy, then im happy.

here in nepal, it’s been nice. people are nice. the way of life is one that no one takes for granted and it makes me feel out of place, like a spoiled brat who just yearns so much to escape but i try my best to just take a deep breath and indulge. the buddhist culture here makes me understand the ways of life, living alongside other climbers and watching sherpas dance to the tune of death, twisting around and just barely sneaking past almost every time.

despite how beautiful it is with the towering peaks, glaciers and fields of luscious green grass. death holds a strong presence here, one that’s covered by the tourism and clusters of climbers. but one that’s never ignored, everything being worshipped. pooja ceremonies being held for safe journeys and honouring the beautiful land, the mother of it all with offerings. mother nature is honoured and yet, she still plucks us one by one.

last year on my winter expedition i met a boy, well a man. someone who was 12 years older than me, someone i grew to have feelings for that in fact were reciprocated. despite seeming inappropriate, it was all consensual, it was positive and perfect. there was no dirty intention behind it and despite the large age gap it quickly flourished into a sweet, relationship but i found myself growing distant.

we were both sponsored by the same company which is how we met, the both of us being skiers and climbers. people who understood the dangers of venturing out into the wild, knowing what it meant to leave it all behind and pursue your wildest dreams.

he was perfect for me and yet, i broke up with him while living in nepal. i didn’t know why i did at first and it took me a lot of thinking. a lot of time being alone and realizing that throughout my whole life id been accustomed to supporting myself, knowing that there was no one else for me but me. perhaps it was the mixture of dreadful trauma id faced when i was younger, things i never told anyone, things that i only now realize just how bad they were.

regardless, the past is the past and i know i can’t let it hold me down and yet it’s just so hard to keep living when you know just how gravely you’ve been damaged. but i always tell myself that there’s someone out there who’s got it worse, someone who hasn’t stopped suffering from the day they’ve been brought into this world and until this very day.

like them i also wander the earth and yet i have an advantage, one that i should never take for granted and that being that everything that had happened, is over. i shouldn’t let it bring me down and ruin all the good things i have now.

so anyways, what lead to me ultimately breaking down was when i found myself like i mentioned before climbing upwards, fifteen pitches ahead in the air with my team around me. belayed upwards as i find myself freezing momentarily when the snow from above comes falling down, raining down on me as the wind whips me in the face.

it felt so cold, i couldn’t help but press my forehead against the wall and look downwards at my dangling feet. my hands were numb, my ice pick wedged into the snow and ice, my toes just barely warm. i just found myself observing how far away the ground was from where i hung. the distance from where i spiralled about to the ground was like how disconnected i felt from the earth. physically i am here but mentally im lost. where am i? i don’t know, maybe ill know someday? but what if i just don’t try anymore and let it all go, the place im in isn’t a bad place to die in fact, it’s beautiful.

but i can’t let myself plummet to the ground in front of people i know, i can’t traumatize them. i can’t be selfish and hurt others, id already done it once and that was to the man i loved.

pushing forwards we finished climbing, taking in the air at the top and looking down at everything. feeling like we were in fact on top of the world when really this was only one of the peaks we decided to acclimatize to in preparation for the everest/lhotse push that would happen in the next two months.

the feeling was the same as always, a feeling of satisfaction. you feel unstoppable at the top of the mountain, like there’s nothing and no one in your path and yet for the first time i felt anxious.

i felt like i was going to throw up. it didn’t feel great to be up here, i didn’t know why at that moment but when we began rappelling downwards i couldn’t help but think about how cold hearted i was for breaking up with him. there was no reason for me to do so and yet, i just did. it wasn’t right and it took me sometime to realize why. i needed to make sure i could at least put in the effort to do something.

the trek back to base camp was agonizing. i felt like i couldn’t breath properly, falling out of tune with my surroundings and just marching forwards. my team looking like blobs of colourful parkas. silently i felt myself weeping and just feeling like shit. i hated this.

it was embarrassing, i always made sure to peel myself apart and cry when there was no one around and yet here i was crying with people i knew and got to know around me. one of my leaders, who was a single mom that was a total badass in the mountains and one of the best ski mountaineer ive met (she’s also my team lead) spotted me falling apart and staggered behind to talk things out with me and i began to find comfort in consolidating in someone.

this was something i never even did with my own mother. this was the first time i looked for guidance in someone who’d lived longer than me and understood how grief, sadness and just a clusterfuck of emotions works.

with every step i took i slowly pieced the answers i needed for my puzzle piece and now here i am sitting inside my tent typing this foolish rant. my fingers lingering over the call button of the contact id for my ex boyfriend.

i think ill call him and apologize.

it’ll be a good first step.

update: things have been solved (relationship wise) but i don’t feel too good mentally nor physically. unfortunately, i received heartbreaking news that my bestfriend passed away and i feel lost. i don’t know what’s going on, what’s going to happen and i just feel guilty and pathetic. despite that comment, the less people see this the better, it’s not good energy and it’s just negatively going to affect others but i can’t dip without an explanation.

things are on a queue.

#tw: death #tw: sad shit me being a wimp.#i don’t know what else - i don’t know anything else.#mostly me opening up so yeah sorry if this drives people away.#felt like i needed to get it out so don’t read this.#will probably delete later? i don’t know.#my head hurts and im going to nap soon just need to clear my thoughts and relax.#if the words don’t add up it’s because im tired and cant see straight.#peace.

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katelides · 3 years

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Walking on sunshine - Bechloe Mini Fic pt 9

The next morning arrives sooner than anyone would want. Chloe is sleeping on a bench at the airport where she had arrived the night before so she could leave Italy and let her sister finally have the wedding she deserves.

The PA system blasts a new announcement through the speakers; Last call for departure flight 2901 to Atlanta, immediately boarding at Gate 3.; startles Chloe to instantly wake up. The redhead looks over at the screen, still slightly disoriented from her sleep, feeling horrible, knowing she would not be able to make it in time.

Chloe hears a familiar voice and sits up straight to see where it’s coming from. “This plane… Onward… Whoa!” The young woman looks down in defeat when she sees Fat Amy being pushed in her direction by the 3 pilots that were at Maddie’s bachelorette party last night.

“Stop, stop. Doors to manual, emergency.” The blonde shouts and the three men instantly oblige. When Amy gets up one of the pilots tries to stop her. Amy shrugs her shoulders and says: “Ciao, bello.” (Bye, beautiful.) And leaves the three disappointed pilots behind to go check on her friend.

Chloe barely dares to look up, knowing that Fat Amy, as chaotic as she might be, is very loyal to other friends, and will not go down without a fight. The two look at each other for a solid minute, waiting for the other to start the conversation.

Amy is the first one to break the silence. “You are in love with her.” She says with a heavy sigh, knowing that Chloe would push everything she knows and feels aside to make sure her sister is happy.

When Chloe breaks down in heavy sobs, the blonde let out a sigh. “Oh, C,…” She walks up to her and sits down, the redhead scotching over to give the blonde some more space.

“I've made a… small fortune writing books about love. I feel like I should have some wisdom to impart. All I can think is 50 different ways to say orgasm.”

Chloe snorts at the funny moment of honesty coming from her friend. Knowing that the blade does not do serious conversations or real emotions.

With a heavy sigh, Amy turns to face her best friend and collects her thoughts, something she has never done before. “Everything I know about real love I’ve learned from you and Maddie. You know, you’ve got me through some really tough times, and I know you two have had it tougher than most. But we’ve always got through it together. We’ve always had each other, haven’t we?”

Chloe nods, looking Fat Aly straight in the eyes. The blonde was right, they had been through a lot together.

“When your mum dies… Maddie told me that what really broke her heart was that your mum would never be on your wedding day.” Amy continues. “You’ve done the hard part now. Don’t you wanna be there for her?”

Chloe thinks about it, sits ups straight, and wipes away her tears. She grabs her bag and puts it around her shoulder. “Well, how long have we got?” She asks with straight determination in her voice.

Fat Amy’s face breaks into a huge smile and looks down at her watch. The face of pure excitement turns to one of horror when she sees what time it is. “Shit!” She gets up and starts running towards the exit, with Chloe right behind her.

The two are running through the airport like two madwomen. Trying to get to a taxi as soon as possible. “Hey, little sister, what have you done?” Amy asks while they keep running, pointing any blame at the young girl.

Meanwhile, Maddie wakes up with a terrible hangover, clutching a picture of Beca in her hands. “Hey, little sister, who’s the only one?” She questions Beca’s picture. When she realises what time it is she jumps up in a panic, knowing she’s late… very late… to her own wedding.

Somewhere up in the dunes, a stripper in police uniform sits up. “Hey, little sister, who’s your superman?” He asks.

Revealing a second stripper sitting up next to him, covered in kisses who says: “Hey, little sister, who’s the one you want?”

In between the two men, Titziana sits up with a smile almost as big as her face saying: “Hey, little sister, shotgun!” As she says that she pulls the two men into her boozems.

At the same time, Chloe and Amy are in a taxi on their way to the church. “It’s a nice day to start again,” Amy says while trying to zip up Chloe’s bridesmaid's dress. Chloe stares out of the back window, guilt still eating her alive.

At the church, people are slowly walking in, excitedly chatting about. “It’s a nice day for a white wedding.” You hear many whispers, as none know any of the drama that had ensued the previous night and morning.

“It’s a nice day to start again!” Maddie shouts as she burst into Chloe’s room, expecting to find her sister still sleeping, wanting to clear the air between them before the wedding. With a groan the brunette closes the door, not having the time to worry about her sister and needed to get dressed for the wedding. Her wedding.

So she runs to her best friend's room, only to find Fat Amy missing as well. “Hey, little sister… Who is it you’re with?” She asks herself, finding it very strange that both are missing at the same time.

Meanwhile, Beca is taped to a tree, naked for the world to see. “Hey, little sister!” She screams at two passing nuns who see her.

“What’s your vice or wish?” They ask concertedly. Beca just looks around and asks them to untie her so she can make it to her wedding.

Mike, Benji, and Jesse are running around the town, retracing all of their steps from last night as they have forgotten where they had left Beca and the wedding is about to start.

“Hey, little sister, shotgun…” Jesse groans, knowing he should have payed better attention to his little sister.

Mikey’s eyes light up as she remembers where they had left the brunette and pulls his friends towards the location.

At the church Doug walks in with his designer sunglasses, smiling at the priest. “It’s a nice day for a…” The priest starts.

“…white wedding.” Doug finishes smugly.

Emily is standing in front of the church, passing nervously as no one had shown up yet. All of her friends are missing. She’s on the phone with someone, trying to figure out what is happening.

Unbeknownst to her, Jesse, Mike, and Benji are still looking for Beca. Beca is running around the town naked, trying to go unnoticed so she can get home and get dressed. Chloe and Fat Amy are still in the taxi on their way to the church. While Maddie is stranded at the side of the road, in her wedding dress, while here taxi driver is changing the spare tire.

“There you guys are!” Emily shouts when she sees her boyfriend, Mike and Jesse arrive at the church. “Where’s Beca? She asks when the brunette is not with them. The boys all shrug, not knowing the answer and all being out of breath.

Meanwhile, Beca had managed to get home and grab her suit and had started to run towards the church, to her wedding. Trying to find a way to explain to her fiancee why she’s late.

As if on queue, both Maddie’s and Chloe’s taxi arrive at the church. The second the car stops, Maddie is rushing out. Fat Amy instantly does the same, knowing that if Chloe gets to her sister first it could end in disaster.

“Where have you been?” Maddie asks, trying not to be angry at the pair.

“It’s all my fault.” Amy starts. “She had to stop me from performing an ill-advised aviation stunt, which is never a good idea after 12 sambas and a minestrone.”

Maddie rolls her eyes with a sigh, knowing that this ridiculous story has to be true… because who else would get into a situation like that? “You look beautiful. Just one sec.” The blonde says and walks away towards their friends, leaving Maddie and Chloe eye to eye.

The two sisters slowly walk up to each other with cautious smiles. Maddie sighing gently.

“You look beautiful,” Chloe says sincerely, feeling happy that she had decided to come back with Fat Amy for her sister’s wedding.

Maddie smiles for a brief second to then turn serious almost instantly. “Chloe, am I making a fool of myself again?” She asks, needing to know what her sister thought.

Chloe lets out an amused sigh, knowing she needs to convince her sister that everything will be just fine. “Beca’s not like anyone you’ve ever dated. She’s a keeper. You done good.”

“Yeah?” The brunette asks just to double-check one last time. When she sees her little sister nod she continues. “And what about you? Are you… really okay with this?” She asks, still unsure after what had happened last night.

Chloe takes a deep breath, knowing that whatever she says next would set everything between them in stone for the rest of their lives. So the redhead decides to make a gesture instead. She takes off her mom’s necklace and puts it around her sister’s neck.

Maddie smiles gently and hands Chloe a small bridesmaids bouquet. “Come one.” She says, motioning towards the church.

The redhead hesitates for a moment, feeling nervous all of a sudden. “Maddie,” Chloe says loudly but not shouting.

Maddie stops in her tracks and turns to face her sister again.

“No matter what, you’ve never given up on love.” Chloe starts with tears in her eyes. “You followed your heart wherever it leads. That’s how I want be.”

Maddie playfully shoves her sister. “Christ, don’t make me cry now!” She says, trying to contain her tears with a sniff. “I know it’s out there for you. You just have to grab it when you see it, okay?”

Chloe cannot contain her tears and a single big one rolls down her cheek.

Maddie grunts when she sees Fat Amy walk towards her. “Oh, where’s your dress?” She asks, not wanting to start crying either and rather wants to distract herself with something else.

“Sorry..” The blonde apologises. “Er… it’s not the only thing that’s missing.” She says, trying to find a way to tell the bride that her bride is missing.

Maddie and Chloe look at each other in confusion, and then back at the blonde. “Er…” Fat Amy continues.

In that moment both Fat Amy and Chloe see Beca running towards the church and slipping in chaotically yet still unnoticed to Maddie. With wide eyes Amy looks at Chloe and continues, trying to find a plausible lie. “ Er.. my thong has gone!” She shouts.

“What?” Maddie questions with a confused smile. “This is news?” She asks with a roll of her eyes.

“Right. Are we ready?” Amy asks Emily who is still standing infant of the church in pure shock and confusion about the entire ordeal.

Emily puts her thumbs up, to say let's do this before anything else happens.

Inside the church, Mike and Benji try to make Beca look slightly more presentable. “You alright, ragazza (girl). You look a bit perduta (lost).” Mikey asks in concern.

“No, I’m fine.” She says with determination, almost as if she’s trying to convince herself it’s the truth. “I was just running naked down the street missing my own wedding because some idiot left me duct-taped to a tree with a donkey.” She adds angrily.

“Ah, the donkey!” Mikey says to Benji, in a voice that suggests that they had completely forgotten they had done that to poor Beca, who is not amused.

Emily walks in and signals to the boys that the bride is ready to go.

#fanfiction #fanfic #bechloe #beca mitchell #chloe beale #beca and chloe #Pitch Perfect #pitch perfect 2 #pitch perfect 3 #walking on sunshine bechloe mini fic

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wonderful-writer · 4 years

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10 - Biological Warfare

Summary: Murphy returns to camp with a virus that renders the camp vulnerable to a grounder attack, and Y/n realizes something she should’ve seen a long while ago.

Word Count: 3.20k

Based Off: 01x10 “I Am Become Death”

A/N: So i forgot to queue this post yesterday before i went to bed and now it’s 3 hours late so enjoy :)

The next morning, you, Clarke, Bellamy, Finn, Raven and a handful of other delinquents were heading out to the crash site to investigate. Bellamy tried to talk to you multiple times throughout the trip, along with Clarke, but you and Finn ignored them and Raven and walked together instead.

As you looked around, Finn pointed out that neither you or Clarke should be here.

“Clarke’s mom was on the ship, and y/n’s dad and grandmother were, too. They’re looking for answers.” Raven explained. “You wanna help them? Find me the black box, hard drives, anything that will explain why the ship crashed.”

“Stay sharp.” Bellamy told everyone. “Grounder retaliation for what happened on the bridge is coming, it’s just a matter of when.”

“Can you blame them?” You asked him.

“No, I blame you.” He sassed back.

“Maybe if you didn’t bring guns-” Finn was cut off by Raven.

“If we didn’t bring guns, we all would’ve been killed.”

“Why they’re coming doesn’t matter anymore.” Bellamy pointed out. “It’s our job to be ready when they do. We’re on our own now.”

You tuned the world out and looked at the burnt corpses, wondering which of them was your grandmother, and which was your father. You realised now that maybe you should’ve taken your grandmother's offer and talked with your dad, because now it was too late.

“You would’ve loved him, nana.” You looked up at the sky, deciding that looking at the bodies wasn’t going to do much for you, especially if it wasn’t the body of your beloved grandmother. It would’ve been weird if you said that to some technician you didn’t know.

You wiped a tear that had begun to fall and clutched your necklace. You looked back up when Raven, Finn, and Bellamy made their way to you and Clarke, who had been a few paces ahead of you.

“It’s hydrazine. Highly unstable in its solid form. If this stuff meets fire, we’re all pink mist.” Raven informed her. She dipped a rock in a puddle that had gathered, standing up and shouting, “Fire in the hole!” And tossed it into a distant fire, before causing a mediocre explosion.

“We need to clear the area.” She instructed Bellamy, who nodded at her.

“We move in formation, no straggling, weapons hot. We’ve got to get back before dark.” He shouted over to the others that you brought along, everyone following his lead.

When you arrived back at camp the next morning, everyone told you and Bellamy that Murphy was back and in the dropship. Bellamy angrily stomped into the dropship, demanding to see him.

You expected the usual, cocky Murphy, but you saw the exact opposite. Murphy was cowering in a corner as a small group of people surrounded him, basically beaten to pulp. The small crowd stepped to the side at Bellamy's appearance, who looked shocked to see Murphy in the condition he was in.

“Everyone but Connor and Derek, out. Now!” The others scrambled out of the dropship, leaving you, Clarke, Finn, Murphy, and Connor and Derek.

“He claims he was with the grounders.” Derek spoke first.

“We caught him trying to sneak back into camp.” Connor glared.

“I wasn’t sneaking.” Murphy muttered from his spot on the floor. “I was running from the grounders.”

“Anyone see any grounders?” Bellamy asked angrily, to which Connor and Derek shook their heads. “Well in that case,” Bellamy raised his gun to shoot Murphy, but Finn pushed it down.

“Hey, what the hell is wrong with you?” He asked the man.

“We were clear what would happen if he came back.” He shouted, raising his gun again. But this time, Finn stepped in front of the barrel. You took the time to stand in front of Murphy and get a closer look as they shouted at one another.

He flinched as you bent down to his level, but you put your hands out to assure you weren’t there to hurt him, even if you really wanted to.

You inspected his various wounds and lightly grabbed his hands, taking note of his missing fingernails. “Clarke, come look at this.”

She moved to squat next to you and looked at his fingernails as well.

“Clarke, think about Charlotte!” Bellamy yelled.

“I am thinking about her, but what happened to Charlotte was as much our fault as it is his.” She commented, sending a shiver down your spine.

“He’s not lying,” You defended Murphy. “His fingernails were torn off. They tortured him.”

“You and the grounders should compare notes.” Finn commented snarkily.

“The grounders know we’re at war.” Bellamy snapped back. “What did you tell them about us?” He shouted at Murphy.

“Everything.” Murphy replied in a broken tone. You and Clarke stood up in fear, but she turned to Bellamy and you just glanced around with arms crossed.

“Once he’s better, we find out what he knows, and then he’s out of here. Okay?” She compromised with Bellamy.

“And what if he refuses to leave?” Bellamy asked as she started to leave. “What do we do with him then?”

“Then we kill him.” She responded, turning back around and leaving the dropship. You followed after her and went to visit Jasper at his guard post, but he decided not to talk to you, so you went to find Monroe to ask her about what happened by the fire on Unity Day.

“Oh my God, Y/n! Your eyes!” She exclaimed, grabbing half of the camp’s attention. You felt hazy but reached a hand up to your cheek, pulling away to see blood coating your fingertips. You stumbled over to her just in time for Bellamy to exit the dropship, and for you to collapse into her arms.

She helped lower you to the ground and you pushed her body away before proceeding to cough up an unusual amount of blood. Connor and Derek began to do the same, but Bellamy still made his way towards you.

“Holy shit, Y/n, are you okay?” He asked you. You tried to push him away, still mad about yesterday, but you were too weak and gave up. He carried you up to the dropship, not concerned about catching whatever you had.

He set you down on the table where you were about a week ago, asking Clarke what was happening as she demanded he stay back.

“Biological warfare.” She responded gravely. “You were waiting for the grounders to retaliate for the bridge? This is it. And Murphy is the weapon.”

Your body was reacting worse to whatever illness Murphy gave you worse than Clarke, but you didn’t know why. You sat up from the table you were on and stumbled over to the nearest wall, watching as Connor seized and eventually died.

The thought of the same thing happening to you scared both you and Bellamy, who noticed you had gotten up when you coughed again. You clutched your waist and he made his way over to you to help you stand, much like he did on Unity Day.

“Round up anyone who had contact with Murphy. Bring them here. And everyone Connor, Derek, Y/n, and me had contact with as well.” She instructed Finn, watching as he left the dropship, before turning to you and Bellamy.

“Bellamy, you really shouldn’t be touching her-” She moved towards them and attempted to take you into her arms as you coughed again.

“Clarke, I’ll be fine.”

“You could get sick-”

“I said, I'll be fine.” He interrupted, voice dripping with authority. She sighed and gave up, turning to ask Connor who Murphy had contact with. His response scared Bellamy, who gently put you against the wall and looked at you once more before rushing out to get his sister.

“Clarke,” You rasped. She turned to you and bent down to meet your eyes. “Why am I worse than you? You were with Murphy the same time I was.”

“I-I don’t know, Y/n. It might be because you have a weakened immune system, or because your stab wound is still healing. It could be anything.” Other people started to file in as they caught the virus, Bellamy standing near Octavia as Clarke examined her, a cloth over his mouth and nose.

Bellamy glanced over at your tired form before leaving the dropship, while Octavia followed his eyes. You were lazily propped up against the wall, pale and sweaty, with an arm draped across your middle. Octavia’s eyes grew wide as you began to cough up your own blood, rushing to help you.

She helped lower you onto your side, rubbing your back as you gagged and coughed up even more blood into a puddle on the dropship floor. You groaned in pain at the unpleasant feeling of throwing up your own blood, but became grateful that it was soon over for the time being.

“Octavia, you could get sick. Get away from me.” You mumbled, blood coating your lips as you attempted to push her away.

“I’ll be fine. Clarke said I’m asymptomatic or whatever.” She responded as she set you against the wall. She was called away by Clarke and you watched her leave the dropship, eyelids heavy.

You only ever woke up when you had to cough up more of your own blood, which meant nearly twice every hour you were in a lot of pain from the heaving. After that, either Murphy or Octavia, usually the latter, would come to bring you a cup of water and you would pass out again. You were better soon, though, and was limited to helping those around you.

However, when you saw Bellamy come into the dropship and be laid down on a bed, you broke almost every rule and got up, stumbling over to the man. Bellamy closed his eyes by the time you got there, sitting by his head on the same side as Octavia.

Someone else started to cough uncontrollably, so you assured Octavia that you would take care of Bellamy while she took care of the others with Murphy. You took the cloth from her hand as she rushed over to the delinquent, and resumed wiping the blood from his face and nose. You hated to see him like this, although you weren’t much better.

Just the thought of anything happening to Bellamy at all terrified you, and you didn’t have a clue as to why. You pushed back the anxiety and tears as you wiped away the sweat that was collecting on Bellamy’s forehead, sniffling to keep it at bay.

It wasn’t long after that Bellamy woke up again, and you signalled Murphy to get him a cup of water. “Get the hell away from me,”

“Bellamy, stop.” You said from behind him. He looked over at you and felt a great sense of relief. “You’re sick, and Murphy’s just trying to help. He’s been helping everyone in here, including me, since he was well enough to.”

“When I get better, if you’re still here-” Bellamy began to threaten.

“You know what, Murphy? I got this one.” He looked to you and left to help out with Clarke, who began to get better not long after you did. You were still pale, but you weren’t coughing up any blood.

“Here,” You handed him the cup of water. He took it and looked you up and down.

“Are you feeling better?” He asked.

“Don’t worry about me, Bell. I’m fine. Clarke said I can go sometime tomorrow, but I don’t think I’ll be leaving here until you’re okay.”

“You know you don’t have to do that, right?”

“It’s fine, Bellamy.” You put a hand on his arm to assure him. “Think of it as a thank you for both of the times you saved my life.”

He smiled and sipped on the water before asking if you had seen Octavia.

“She was up all night helping out, Murphy gave her a break.”

“Don’t tell me you trust him now.” Bellamy deadpanned.

“Trust him? After what he did? No. Not at all. But Clarke believes that we should give him a second chance.” Bellamy rolled his eyes and looked around, pointing out that it was almost dawn.

“We better get everyone inside. If we close the doors, maybe the grounders’ll think we’re not home.”

“Not everyone is sick. We can’t risk it.” You denied his suggestion.

“Sick is better than dead.” He countered seriously.

“You don’t think Finn and Jasper are gonna pull it off.” You realized.

“Do you?” He asked.

“I may be mad him right now, but he’s still my brother.” Was your response.

“I’ll get everyone inside,” Clarke sighed as she overheard your conversation while passing by.

There was a pause in yours and Bellamy’s conversation, a comfortable silence. He looked longingly over to you, and you looked down at your hands before meeting his gaze. He could see the worry in your eyes, and your shaking hands gave away your well-hidden anxiety.

“We’ll be fine, princess.” You sighed shakily at his words and wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. You were terrified that you were going to die soon, and you felt comforted in Bellamy’s arms as they wrapped around your torso.

You were reminded of the fact that both your grandmother and father were dead, leaving you virtually alone, for lack of a better term. The tears dripped slowly from your eyes and landed on Bellamy’s jacket as he rubbed your back.

Soon, everyone who was able had gathered outside as the bomb went off.

“They did it.” Clarke gasped as the mushroom cloud grew larger in the air.

“I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.” You quoted as Bellamy looked at you. “It’s Oppenheimer. The man who built the first-” You mumbled when you glanced back at him.

“Yeah, I know who Oppenheimer is.” Bellamy commented with a smirk, causing you to smile back at him.

By midday, Clarke said you were well enough to leave the dropship, along with herself and a handful of others. You still planned on taking care of Bellamy, however, because that’s what you promised to do. But, by some miracle, he was okay, too.

You watched him go outside of the wall with a few others, leaving you to think about all that’s happened since you arrived on Earth. One of your arms was crossed as the other rested on it, hand reaching up to twist your locket. You sat at the fire with a couple of other people, Harper being one of them.

You began to think more and more about Bellamy and how you treated each other, realizing that you both treated each other differently than you did anyone else in camp. You didn’t even treat Jasper the same way you treated Bellamy. You got lost in your thoughts as the came back to your mother, and some advice she had given you when you were young, advice you didn’t understand until now.

“Mom, what’s love?”

“My little bug, you’re too young to know this now, but when you’re in love, and mean deeply in love, you can feel it.”

“But how?”

“Well, you would do anything for the person you love, even if you got in trouble for it. You smile every time you see them, and you get a tingling feeling in your tummy.” She smiled. “You couldn’t think about living without them, not for a second. When you’re upset, they make you smile, and when you cry, they help you wipe your tears.”

“And sometimes falling in love is quick and fast, and you don’t see it until you’re already at the bottom, and sometimes it’s slow and beautiful. They brighten up every room they walk into and show you how pretty and amazing life can be. Darling, if you ever find a love like that, never ever let it go.”

You gasped quietly as you pulled yourself from your thoughts, standing from your spot at the fire. You quietly excused yourself as everyone looked at you, rushing to get to Jasper and Monty’s tent as fast as you could.

You stumbled inside, almost tripping on the tent flap. “Jasper! Jasper oh my God!”

The man in question looked up at you from his spot on the bed. “What? What is it? Are we under attack-?” You sat him back down as he rose before beginning to pace.

“No, no, nothing like that.” You spoke quickly.

“I understand it now.” You spoke fast, in a desperate haste to get the words out. “I mean he’s different when he’s around me, he makes me happy, he comforts me when I cry, and- and- God! How did I not see it before!” You groaned, still pacing.

Jasper stood in front of you and put his hands on your shoulders, stopping you in your tracks.

“Y/n, what in the world are you talking about?” He asked.

You sighed and a queasy smile crossed your lips. “I’m in love with Bellamy Blake.” You admitted, hands thrown up in a sort of shrug.

Jasper looked at you in annoyance as he let his hands fall back to his sides. “Congratulations, you’re officially the last person to know.”

He turned back to sit down on his bed and you looked at him, bug-eyed and almost choking on your own saliva. “I’m sorry, what?!”

“Y/n, everyone in camp can see that you love him. It’s not like you’re hiding it.” He chuckled. You put your hands on the top of your head in stress.

“Do you think he knows?” You asked in a slight whisper.

“Bellamy?” You nodded. “No way. You’d think he would’ve figured it out with all the staring he does, but I think he’s too oblivious to see it. What I do know, along with everyone else in camp, is that he loves you too. He just doesn’t see it.”

You groaned at Jasper’s answer, and his only response was to laugh. You gave up and went to your own tent, collapsing into your bed. Things were going to be tougher around camp - and not just because of the grounders.

Taglist: @soullessbabee | @hyperion-moonbabe-art3mis | @dummythiccwitch | @sireddobrev | @gxvrielle

#bellamy blake #bellamy blake imagine #bellamy blake series #bellamy blake x reader #bellamy x you #bellamy x y/n #this is war series

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thessalian · 11 months

Text

Thess vs Mild Curses

Today was a cursed day. Well, mostly cursed evening. I had to take out some trash, and also pick up a few things. Like, the recipe I wanted to try today required red onions and I had used up the last of my red onions so I needed more, and also some broccoli and chestnut mushrooms for my chicken broccoli pasta bake, and more chicken and some squash for this chicken and squash tray bake I want to do. Also antihistamines, and some mallet meds since I was already going to be out (so I don’t have to do an extra trip when I actively run out).

Now, the original plan was to stop at a pharmacy on the way to the big Sainsbury’s, pick up mallet meds, and then finish the trip to the big Sainsbury’s and do my shopping there. Except the bus that takes me in that direction was being an asshole - one of those times when you check the app to find out when it’s coming and it keeps moving the goalposts in that regard. Something about a water main problem way at the other end of the line, apparently. Not to mention traffic. Anyway, point is I got fed up and went to Peckham instead.

Picked up mallet-meds, but that took awhile because the one person working the register spent five minutes chatting to a friend before she decided to actually do her job. Found out that a different pharmacy (one without a pharmacy counter, if that’s not a contradiction) was having a sale on antihistamines so now I’m stocked up for the whole of the summer ... also picked up one of those pill containers where there’s a compartment for every day of the week and you just put your meds in there and that makes it easier to keep track of whether you’ve taken them or not. It wasn’t expensive, so I got it; now all I have to really remember to do is the antihistamine in the morning and since I start the morning with paracetamol anyway, it’s an easy enough one to remember. I maybe should have got one of the ones that divides up morning and afternoon but it was more expensive and it’s not really needed because I only need the antihistamines in the summer.

Then to the supermarket. Peaches were on sale, and that was something. Except when I went to go to the self-service checkout ... well, okay, first thing you need to know is that there are two self-serve checkouts in this store - one for people with baskets and not a lot of stuff, and one for people with trolleys. There are obviously fewer self-service checkouts in the trolley area, because the loading area’s bigger in each. Point is that when I went to the basket-only self-service checkout ... they’d closed it down. All of it. Every single one. So they sent us all to the far fewer self-checkouts in the trolley area. I obviously had a quick glance to see if actually being checked out by a human being might be faster ... but there was only one person working the till. So there I am with a fairly heavy basket, waiting in a massive queue.

Best part? The basket-only self-service checkout opened again right as I got to a self-checkout on the trolley side. Seriously, fuck everything.

All the running around ate a lot of my evening and made me rather tired and sore. Of course, I was kind of struggling already. The other day, I tripped and while I didn’t fall, I caught my right forearm pretty hard on the doorframe. There’s no visible bruise, but there’s pain and a bit of swelling, so that’s nice. Also a mosquito bit the back of my left hand, just beneath the first knuckle, and I probably scratched it in my sleep because now not only does it itch when I move it (which is ALL THE TIME), but if I do give in and scratch it, it hurts. I got some witch hazel ointment to see if that would help. It does a bit, but requires pretty regular application.

So, yeah, a lot of nonsense today, though there were a couple of good bits too, I guess. Not sure what the rest of the week looks like work-wise, though. Apparently the other site is having a staffing problem right now (illness on top of a lot of people taking annual leave) so he’s going to be doing some work there for the next couple of days. Thankfully this has not had him call me intothe office. However, there is that “when the cat’s away, the mice will play” issue with the girls in the office, so we might end up with the work we’ve done to finally whittle down the typing queue getting undone. Clearly the company has given up its “sensibly one or two people overstaffed” bit of common sense that was the norm when I first started working for them on a permanent basis. Oh well. As long as I don’t have to commute with the weather being like it’s been lately, I’ll cope.

Now, I have a Cooking With Spoons entry to write, and then back to at least a little bit of video game. Managed to get to the epilogue of Wylde Flowers and ... yeah, you don’t find many farming sims that get that deep or that dark, but this one went there. But now I’m in epilogue and happy to just poke at it until I get my barn and chicken coop upgrades. Plot’s good, but sometimes you just want to raise chickens in peace.

#Thess has a day job

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shatterthefragments · 3 years

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Questions Tag Game

Thank you for tagging me @catholicnicky!

Hmm I'm supposed to tag 20 but I'll tag:

@kiaya, @caffeinatedbraincell, @randofando-spoonie, @cowgaykermit, @boutiquetraveltravelboutique @rhubarbdreams

If you want to play :)

1. Name/Nickname: Shatters <3

2. Gender: *shrugs noncommitedly*/nonbinary fits best

3. Star sign: okay so I took a thing and I'm going to assume that "Sun in Pisces" is this? bc i have no clue any time i look at that :eek:

4. Height: it is to my delight that I can definitely say 5'3" and not actually 5'2"! Bc I'm only a couple inches shorter than a friend and that would mean I'm taller than 5'2"!

5. Time: at the time of this Q: 12:20... ah I should get ready for bed soon... (longer by the time I post this at a little past 1 am)

6. Birthday: Feb. 26

7. Favourite Band: Currently? Maybe Polyphia? Most played currently at least. I've been vibing with Nothing But Thieves, Daughtry (again), 3OH!3 (i know), Florence + The Machine (though I have yet to do a discography playthrough yet), (ok so I'm scrolling through my saved artists for this one), The Neighbourhood, some local bands, and The Pretty Reckless lately.

8. Favourite solo artist: oh dear god. Um. Loving and/or getting back into: Rina Sawayama, Toby Fox, Ichika Nito, Tim Henson, Lil Nas X, King Princess, Hayley Kiyoko? idk it could be a lot more. But for Reasons it currently has to be Lil Nas X <3

9. song stuck in my head: because I caved and got TikTok (derogatory) because of the Chocolate Potato Cake (from 1912!) [and if you didn't just hear that in Dylan's voice you should find it on Youtube it's great] it's Maneskin's Beggin. When that's not recently heard, it varies between many other songs. If I whistle, it's usually a simple march we played in band. Maybe Soda. Maybe the hook from The Worst. Who knows~ not me!

10. last movie: either Waves or Wolf it's been so long since I've watched something. But soon hopefully Hartenstraat!

11. last show: Leverage! When I rewatched it last year or something!

12. when I created this blog: perhaps 2012 or 2013? I deleted most of my blog and started over though at around 15k posts so it may have been before that? But I don't think it was much before 2012 if so.

13. what I post: please tell me fuck if i know aaaaah whatever I see when I pop on when I have the capacity to actually reblog or queue it i guess? mostly related to whatver i'm fixated on <3 (speaking of - draining my queue for the tumblr post+ strike so that'll suck to get filled again afterwards :P)

14. last thing I googled: "Sugar and spice makes everything nice quote"

15. other blogs: theoldguardinshatters is my tog sideblog! I have some other... rather inactive blogs... not really sure I want to share them. Some are straight up empty.

16. do i get asks? not often

17. why I chose my URL: I'm a poet! jk jk (or am I?) but I wrote a poem back in middle school... actually a few versions based off the same premise/line (i was going to see if I could find it but looking back That Far in my blog is like "yeah, there's no way I'm faking my mental illness even when I fear I might be" so I'm just. not. going there. like holy shit maybe i should purge my old posts again...) But if I remember maybe I'll put what I can remember under a cut?

18. following: after swearing I'd never follow more than 100: 304. But many aren't active anymore :( (also literally me 5 yrs ago: 'oh god I follow more than 30 people I'm freaking out, it's too many!')

19. followers: 234, but who knows how many are porn bots I never really kept up back in the day

20. average hours of sleep: ...that is a good question... idk. maybe 5ish when I work and maybe 9ish when I am just me on my own?

21. lucky number: culturally: 8, personally, also: 3,7,13,17,19,23

22. instruments: formerly flute and tenor sax. I haven't exactly kept up oops >.< (so i guess rn I just whistle or hum or sometimes sing)

23. what am I wearing: shorts and a t-shirt

24. dream job: bookbinder, or some other creative pursuit that allows me to work with my hands - cake decorator? other arts? idk. maybe secretary? maybe fancy ass barista/pastry decorator? editor? illustrator? i have no clue please send suggestions <3

25. dream trip: with friends. Not having to drive the entire time. Longer than what I'm currently able to do... maybe a couple months... maybe in europe or asia? maybe just road tripping across canada. idk. It sure would be nice to see them again <3 hopefully camping with one (maybe two?) mid august-ish though! :D

26. favourite food: dim sum (bc I really miss going out with family!), sushi, desserts, pies, quiche, eggs benny, Popcorn, I'm not sure. those are also safe foods texturally usually too though.

27. nationality: canadian, half chinese.

28. favourite song: *shrugs* right now perhaps Soda or The Worst

29. last book I read: ...i don't know... maybe a reread I did of What They Always Tell Us or Martin Wilson's other book We Now Return To Regular Life last year?

30. top 3 fictional universes I would like to live in: ...fuck. I don't know. Most of the fantasy universes I read are fanfic... Maybe.... Waves Cinematic Universe - now that Gabriele has a boat, we could boat! Some universe with wings! A universe with UBI *sideeyes gvmt* Stardew Valley universe! :D

from what I can remember maybe (again - Several Versions of this were written... back in middle school...)

Shatter the fragments to see what's left Release the weight That's on your chest

There's nothing left For you to see Nothing left But apathy

#tag game #tag games #this was fun but hard!#poem snippet under the cut #long post #kinda yeah

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bxcketbarnes · 5 years

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Subtle Changes

Pairing: Ashton Irwin x Reader

Words: 2900+

Request: Don’t know if you’re taking requests rn beaut but if so maybe something with ash where you’re on tour with him and you’ve just been feeling unwell from all the traveling and start gaining a little weight, thinking it’s from the new routine but you’re pregnant and neither of you knew but you’re a few months in ❤️🥰😘xx

Author’s Note: I. Fucking. Love. This. Fic. Like, you’ve got no idea. I sent so many snippets to my friends because I just wanted to share how goddamn cute it is. It’s probably one of my favorite Ashton fics I’ve written. I hope it’s how you were kinda looking for it to go! I love the idea, the request is amazing, so thank you, anon. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do. xox ALSO I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE. THEY SAY I LOVE YOU A LOT, LMFAO. THEY’RE VERY LOVING I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF.

I laid in Ashton's bunk, my arm covering my eyes as I deeply breathed in and out of my nose. The boys were currently on stage and I stood on the side of the stage for a good portion of it before I started to feel sick. My stomach churns and I can feel the bike traveling up my throat when I quickly get up without bashing my head, sprinting into the tiny bathroom to empty the food in my stomach.

Tears came to my eyes, a reaction I have every time I'm sick, as I lean against the small sink. I sniff, dragging the back of my hand across my nose. "What the fuck," I mumble confused since I've never been this ill on tour.

I've joined Ashton and the boys on their North American Tour with The Chainsmokers. The day after we left was when the illness started and it's been almost three weeks and it hasn't really let up. I could hear the tour bus door open and I glance towards my right to see Ashton standing in the doorway of the bathroom.

"You feelin' okay? Matt told me he saw you rush out," he mumbled, hearing the worriedness in his voice.

I nod my head, giggling quietly. "I'm alright. I think the constant moving every night is getting to me," I reassure him and his frown deepens.

"Come on, you," Ashton mentions and reaches a hand out to me. I grab it and he pulls me off the floor. His hand moves to my waist, dragging his thumb across the fabric of my shirt. "I have to go back for Who Do You Love but as soon as I'm done I'll come back, alright?"

I nod my head, smiling softly at him as he leads me towards the couch. I furrow my eyebrows, wondering why he brought me here and not back to his bunk. I realized why when he reaches for the television remote, turning Netflix on.

"You're the best boyfriend, you know that?" I asked him as I laid down, looking up at the brunette.

Ashton chuckles, bringing up the horror movies before handing me the remote. "I gotta make sure my Queen is comfortable," he grins before dipping down to press a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"If you're feeling up to it. I can have someone drive us to the nearest Walgreens?" He questioned and I nodded.

"Of course. Now go rock the crowd, baby," I tell him and wave my hand off, not wanting him to miss his queue.

He puts his hands up in surrender and giggles. "I'm going, I'm going. I love you, sweetheart," Ash mumbles and my heart flutters.

"I love you too, baby."

Sounds of talking and footsteps woke me from my slumber, my eyes fluttering open. I look around groggily, groaning a bit as I push myself up from the couch. I slowly get off the couch, my stomach still feeling wonky and head towards the living area of the bus.

"Y/N? You alright?" Cal's voice piped up and I snap my head towards him as he cooked something in the microwave.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm alright," I mumble quietly to him, giving him a small smile. "Where's Ash?"

"He said he went to the store," Michael answered and I glance towards the blonde, frowning. "He also said you looked so peaceful sleeping that he didn't want to wake you up. Have you been sleeping alright?"

I shake my head, wrapping my arms around myself. "I don't know what it is but I've been just… nauseous about everything. It's never happened on any tour I've joined you guys on," I comment and the boys’ frown.

Michael reached forwards as I sat across from him, resting the back of his hand on my forehead. His eyebrows were furrowed as he pulled his hand back after a few seconds. "You don't feel like you have a fever," he mentioned and I couldn't help but frown again, wishing I could figure out what's going on with me.

I leaned my chin against the palm of my hand, tracing the shapes that are on the table when the tour bus door opened. I turn my head, seeing Ashton step into the bus, his hazel eyes set on his phone screen. A smile comes to my lips as he carried two grocery bags in his hand, closing the door with his free hand before looking up from his phone.

"Hey, baby, you're awake!" He smiles softly and I nod my head, leaning back against the seat.

"I am. Sorry that I fell asleep," I tell him and he shakes his head, pressing a loving kiss to the crown of my head.

"That's okay. I know you haven't been sleeping well, feeling you toss and turn against me most of the nights so I decided to let you sleep," Ashton mentions and I rest my head against his hip. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm alright," I mumbled quietly as Ash runs his fingers through my hair. He sets the bags onto the table, going through it before pulling out some Nyquil and soup.

"You hungry?" He asked and I shrugged my shoulders, glancing up at him. He frowns slightly, stroking his thumb across my forehead. "Have you eaten at all today?"

I pull away from him, leaning my head against the wall. "A little bit. I've been really nauseous so a lot of the food around hasn't agreed with my stomach."

"You think maybe you should see a doctor?" Luke asks from the couch and both me and Ashton glance over at the concerned bandmate.

"I think you should," Ashton agrees and looks back down at me.

A groan leaves my lips to which Michael chuckles. "Fine, fine. When we get to the next city I'll go see a doctor," I mumble before getting up from the seat. Ashton wraps an arm around my waist, stopping me from going back into the bunk area.

"Hey," he whispered and I glance towards him, seeing his concerned hazel eyes looking down at me, "I love you and I just want you to be happy and healthy."

"I know, babe. I just… hate doctors. You know that," I tell him, giving him a small smile and he nods his head. "Come cuddle?"

Ashton chuckles and nods his head as I reach for his hand, intertwining our fingers. I lead him into the bunk area, seeing Netflix still up as we move to the couch. Ash lays down first, adjusting himself so he lays on his side as I lay down beside him. His arm drapes over my waist, his hand moving under my shirt and starts to stroke my tummy.

I search through the horror movies as Ashton pressed his lips to the nape of my neck. A giggle leaves my lips as his hair tickles the side of my face. "Ash!" I laugh, tilting my head so my neck is unreachable. He giggles, his free hand combing through my hair.

"What?! I'm just trying to love you," he laughs and I shake my head, glancing back at him.

"Well, you're tickling me," I giggle and he smiles widely before pressing a kiss to my lips.

He pouted playfully and I roll my eyes, smacking his hip. I turn around in his embrace, looking into his eyes as Ashton's hand moves to my cheek. He strokes it gently before dipping forward, capturing my lips with his again. A long pleasant sigh leaves my nose and places one of my hands against his chest, kissing him back immediately. My eyes flutter closed as the hand on my cheeks glides down my sides and moves to the small of my back.

I pull away from him after about a minute, keeping my eyes closed while resting my head against his chest. "I love you, Ash," I whispered and wrap my arms around his torso.

"I love you too, Y/N," he mumbled against the top of my head as the tiredness takes over my body once again.

"You can't come with me?" I asked Ashton with a frown on my face, fiddling with my fingers as we stood in the living area of the bus.

A sigh leaves his lips and runs a hand through his hair. "I don't think I can. Let me go ask someone with higher authority, alright? I'll be right back," he mumbles and placed a kiss to my forehead before walking out of the bus.

I'm getting more nervous and can feel my stomach do flips, nausea hitting me a bit harder today. I stepped into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I do my business before washing my hands, hearing a ping come from my phone. I try off my hands, before grabbing my phone from my hoodie pocket.

It seems like you haven't set your start date for your period yet for the past two months.

I furrow my eyebrows, opening the app. I scroll to last month, seeing that the last update I made on my tracker was the month before the tour started.

I must've been so busy that I haven't been tracking it. Hm.

"Baby?" Ashton's voice calls out and I close the app before placing my phone back into my pocket. I walk out of the bathroom, seeing Ashton putting his leather jacket on and his eyes met mine. "Hey, there you are. So, I got the okay to come with you."

A sigh of relief leaves my lips and smile softly at him. I quickly grab Ashton's hoodie, throwing it over my body before the two of us head back out. Calum and Michael were riding around on their scooters, laughing their asses off. "My god," I laughed as he intertwined our fingers together.

"Yeah, sometimes were idiots if you didn't know," Ashton winks at me and another laugh leaves my lips.

"Trust me. I know. We've been together for what? 3 ½ years now?" I asked him with an eyebrow raised and he squeezed my hand, nodding his head with a large grin.

"3 ½ years and counting, baby," he beams and presses a quick kiss to my head.

Ashton and I get into the Uber that's parked right outside the parking lot. The two of us got into the backseat, our hands reconnecting as the guy began driving.

"Good morning, sir," Ashton greets and I glance out the window, feeling the drummer's thumb drag across the back of my hand.

"Morning! How's everything going? I see we're heading to the hospital," the Uber driver questions and glances at us through the rear-view mirror.

"My girlfriend hasn't been feeling well for a while, so we're finally seeing someone," he chuckles and I scoff, slapping his chest.

"I'm fine! It's just a stomach bug or something," I mumble quietly.

The drive to the hospital didn't take long and both of us thank the driver as we stepped out of the vehicle. We walked inside and I tell the receptionist that I had made an appointment for today on short notice. Ashton and I didn't wait very long until my name was called, our hands glued together the entire time. I couldn't help but think about what my period tracker app said earlier and I find myself biting my lip almost every minute since arriving.

"So, Y/N, right?" The nurse asked as she motioned for me to get on the scale.

I nod my head as Ashton stands beside me, his arms crossed over my chest. "That's me," I chuckled nervously.

She mumbles the weight to herself before I get off the scale. The lady leads us to one of the exam rooms and I sit down onto the exam table. "Why are we here today? You didn't express the reasoning on the phone," she asked and I glanced towards her, reading her nametag.

"I joined my boyfriend," I motion towards Ash who sits in the chair beside me and Sarah's eyes take a quick glance towards him to which he gives a small wave, "and his band on tour a couple of months ago and for the majority of it I've been ill. It wasn't too bad at first but it's definitely gotten worse."

She nods her head, typing my explanation into the computer as I fiddle with my fingers. "Alright. So, are you throwing up a lot?"

"Yeah."

"And when was the last time you had your period?"

Ashton takes a quick glance at me as I was quiet for a few seconds before I spoke up. "About two months ago, I think. With this lifestyle, everything's been so hectic so I guess I didn't really notice that I haven't had it. My period tracker actually sent me a notification this morning," I mumbled quietly.

"Okay. The first thing we're going to do is have you take a pregnancy test and then we'll take some blood to test," she explains and I nod. She walks out of the room, gathering the pregnancy test and I glance towards Ash who had his eyes on me already.

He stood up, standing in front of me and takes my hand into his. "You really think you could be pregnant?" Ashton whispers and I shrug my shoulders.

"That would explain everything that's happening," I mumble and he squeezed my hands, "I can't believe I didn't realize that I missed two periods. Also, I have gained a bit of weight, but I thought that was just from all the junk food we've had recently." I let out a laugh and take my bottom lip between my teeth.

Ashton leans forward, pressing a loving kiss to my forehead. "Whatever happens… I'll be here every step of the way," he mumbled against my skin and I nod.

"I love you," I whispered to him and Ashton smiles softly.

"I love you, baby."

The woman comes back into the room with a pregnancy test in her hands, standing by the open door as she motioned me to follow her. "I'll show you to the restroom, miss," Sarah smiles and I nod, getting off the exam table.

Mine and Ash's hands slowly pull apart as I walk away from him, my eyes glancing back towards him. "I'll be here when you get back.'

The five of us were sitting in the dressing room, Mike, Cal, and Luke playing the PlayStation as Ashton and I were cuddled on the loveseat. His hand was on my stomach, stroking gently and my heart flutters, finding it hard to believe that we actually made a tiny human. I rest my head in the crook of his neck, seeing the TV screen.

"So, Y/N," Calum pipes up and I glance towards the blue-haired boy, his honey-brown eyes glued to the game in front of him. "Did the doctor figure out what's been going on?"

I take a quick glance towards Ash, seeing a small smile on his lips and he nods his head. "Uh, yeah, yeah, she did."

Michael pauses the game, the three of them looking at the two of us. "Well, what is it?" Mike asked and sets his controller onto the couch.

I get up from Ashton, walking to the bag I had set on the table in the room. I grab the ultrasound from it, smiling down at it as tears come to my eyes again. Currently, our little baby is the size of a raspberry and Ashton and I don't want to know the gender until they're born. I clear my throat, heading back towards the boys as I sit down on Ash's lap, his arms wrapping around me while handing the upside-down picture to Luke.

His eyebrows furrowed together in confusion, flipping the picture over and his lips part. "N-No way…" the blonde trails off and looks towards his other two bandmates. Calum and Michael get up from their spot, standing in front of Luke as gasps leave the boys' lips.

"Are you serious? You're actually pregnant?" Michael asked and I nod my head.

"Yeah. Eight weeks pregnant to be exact. It explains literally everything, but we've been so busy with this tour that I haven't exactly noticed."

The three boys stand up and rush towards me, giving me a group hug. I let out a laugh, wrapping my arms around Luke and Calum.

"I can't believe I'm gonna be an uncle!" Calum grins and I giggle.

The door to the dressing room opens, one of the crew members poking their heads in. "Hey, guys, you're gonna be going on stage in a few minutes."

The boys pull away from me and congratulate me quickly before getting ready. I lift myself off Ashton's lap and he stands up. I wrap my arms around his neck, smiling up at him. "Have fun. You're gonna fucking rock it," I tell him and he giggles before pressing a kiss to my nose, then my lips.

"Thanks, baby," Ashton laughs and moves one of his hands to my tummy. "I love you and our little one."

"We love you," I whispered and he leans his forehead against mine. "Cuddles later?"

"Oh, fuck," he groans and tilts his head back, "absolutely."

I chuckle and he pulls away, grabbing his drumsticks. I stand close to the door as he begins to leave when I slap his ass. A short leaves my lips as Ashton halts his movements, looking back at me with wide eyes. "Sorry, I couldn't resist."

"You're such a fucking dork. Now, c'mon," he laughs and grabs my hand, leading me towards the rest of the group.

Taglist: @daisyxbuckley @bumblebet-20 @ashtonsunshine @thebookamongmen @h0tsos @asht0ns-world @maddz-world @gotta-try-something-new @twilightparker @ashs-cheergirl @therainydays4 @thatcheekychic @dashlilymark @shower-me-with-roses @lukeskisses @latemikedevil @fayesfairylights @marshmallowtraver @trashbin2 @whatmakesmehappyy @morningfears

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apollos-celticswan · 4 years

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June is coming up, and with it Pride Month. I have an interesting relationship with Pride Month and with parades and being “out”. For me, while I was out as queer since thirteen, I always felt like I didn’t fit. I didn’t know how to slide into the labels of the queer community. It took me a very long time to understand why.

I wanted to share with you the journey of a Trans person, who didn’t understand what being Transgender meant until they were twenty-three. I want to share with you my story, because its taken me a long time to get here.

When I was a teen, there were only three labels acknowledge in the queer vocabulary. Growing up in the 2000’s was a different sort of time for queer kids. You were gay, lesbian, or bisexual. I didn’t really know about being Transgender. I knew sometimes men dressed as women and that “wasn’t acceptable”. Gender diversity didn’t exist. There was no spectrum, just broken kids and kids bold enough to identify as cis-queer.

I was seven when I realized I liked girls. I was eight when I realized I didn’t really “fit” in what other “girls” should or wanted to be doing. I spent a lot early childhood going through the motions of what other people wanted from me. I mimicked what “girls were supposed to be like”. It was short lived because middle school essentially was my slingshot into coming out to myself as “gay”. I stopped being ashamed of liking girls and embraced it.

But…when people asked if I was a lesbian, I didn’t really know what to say. At thirteen, I didn’t think of myself as a girl who liked girls. I couldn’t figure that out. So I ignored it.

Queue anxiety disorder which kicked in when I was about thirteen at full force. OCD tendencies. A desperate need for control. Paranoia. Self-hatred. Body hatred. I wouldn’t eat because I could control that. I hated my hair. I grew it long to “feel pretty”. I wore make-up to “feel pretty”. 2008 was the most turbulent year for this downward spiral.

Inside I felt like I was dying, and I literally didn’t understand why.

I felt like I was always wearing a costume.

And then I discovered cosplay. Specifically, cosplaying boys. The world fucking EXPLODED. I still didn’t understand why it felt so good every time I put on the button-down and vest. Why seeing my flat chest bound down brought me such unexplainable joy, but I loved it. I loved seeing myself in the mirror strong and confident and yes. I was finally pretty. I was pretty and I was HAPPY.

But only in cosplay.

Dating relationships got complicated. I dated a LOT, and hurt a lot of people because I didn’t understand what sort of relationship I was supposed to have. I wasn’t a girl in a lesbian relationship. I didn’t know how to vocalize that. It was just anxious, awkward emotions.

I started hurting myself. As punishment for hurting people around me. As punishment for being different.

The thought crossed my mind. “What if I am transgender” when I was fifteen. The fear silenced me in petrified terror, not to be touched for years.

Senior year, I don’t really know what happened, but even though I wouldn’t have the words for “transition” yet, this is when I truly started. I chopped my hair off, and stopped living as a boy in costumes. I changed my wardrobe, switching to all masculine clothes.

I didn’t know I was transgender. But I knew that this felt RIGHT. I bound every day with sports bras, not knowing the word “bind” outside of cosplay. I just knew flat felt right. So I did it.

When I got to college, I spent a lot of time working on my mental illness and trauma. It wouldn’t be until 2013 that I would realize that my gender identity was not only something I needed to understand, but that if I didn’t, I would likely loose the love of my life, who had no idea what to do with my turbulent moods, dangerous self-hatred, and toxic internalized fears. It was a constant battle to understand what was going on in my head. Why didn’t I want to be touched? Why didn’t I want to be seen naked? Why was I only comfortable being intimate when I was dressed in cosplay as a male character?

I was twenty-three the first time I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria. I spiraled in rejection. I was afraid. I was afraid my parents would hate me. I was afraid of losing my mom. I was afraid of losing my sisters. I was so scared of everything I cut myself off from everyone and everything, living in brutal denial. I didn’t tell anyone but my now Wife.

I bounced in and out of hyper femininity to prove to myself I was “normal”. Forcing myself to fit into stereotypes to find belonging and not disappoint the people around me.

I was diagnosed again at twenty-four…and twenty-five…and twenty-six.

Sometimes I go back and I look at my pictures from over the years, and I wish I could go back then and give him a hug. I can see my transition journey, even though I wouldn’t come out until twenty-six. I can see the little differences. The confidence in my smile in the photos where I am presenting masculine are such a contrast to the shy, awkward smiles and discomfort of my feminine presenting photos. I see the strength and change in my pictures post coming out as Transgender. Even in my genderfluid moments and love of make-up, the change is massive, and powerful.

I wanted to share my journey in a summary because its important. You can be transgender and until you have the vocabulary it is so hard to vocalize to others why it is you are struggling. I can look at that boy in those photos now and say “no wonder you were confused!!”. I can look at those pained photos and go back to those moments and understand why I was so sad and why I hated myself so crippling much.

I am still afraid. I’m afraid of losing parents, of losing siblings and friends. I’m afraid of losing my rights and I’m afraid for my safety. I worry about our child being treated differently. I’m afraid of how our relationship is going to be different from other children and their cis-gender parents.

But that fear pales in comparison to the confidence, joy, and self-love I have found in come out. I KNOW I will be a good parent, because I am being my best self and living my truth. I know I will be strong because I have been through so much to come to the place I am.

So to all you little queer babies out there are various stages of coming out, you can do it.

Sometimes it’ll take a long time. Maybe almost two decades, but you’ll get there, and it’s the most beautiful view when you do. Loving yourself allows you to love others. Trusting yourself allows you to trust others. Live your truth, and its okay to be scared.

I am out. I am proud, and for the first time in my life I am celebrating pride out, proud and knowing exactly who I am.

Its an amazing feeling.

#pride month #trans #trangender #genderfluid #lgbtq #he/him #they/them #LGBTQA #pride #transboy #queer #diversity

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