#More like ptsd I guess

[uncanny-tranny]

I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.

It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.

#mental health #mental health advocacy #like... anxiety and depression are often concieved of as simple and easy to manage... #...but that isn't the case for so many of us. anxiety and depression just have a lot more research invested into them... #...and while i wish this were the case for literally every other condition it does alter people's perception of you to some extent... #...so while this is NOT solely about anxiety or depression it includes us... #...my anxiety and depression and PTSD have *destroyed* my life. this is chronic and will probably be life-long... #...and that isn't my fault. i've done the fucking work but guess what? that doesn't account for the fact that I Am Just ILL #the least we can do for each other is to be compassionate #be compassionate to those who cannot heal. be compassionate to the people who can't manage their lives. this world is scary enough #recognize that management of symptoms is something not all of us can do - even IF their condition is labeled as 'easy to manage' #i allowed myself to feel angry that i can't heal 'normally' and that was unfair as fuck toward myself #and i NEED people to internalize this so that MAYBE this could help somebody else who is where i was #i NEED them to understand that it's okay that they are where they are - sometimes shit just doesn't turn out how you expect or want #don't beat yourself over you being a person. you are struggling enough. you deserve to rest. just rest please #and just... give yourself space

[syrupfog]

AU where Sanji never actually left Germa, and Judge made him a test subject early on, successfully getting rid of his empathy after years of torture.

But like, he has those years of bullying from his brothers first, and his empathy’s gone but his anger’s still there. Also with no Zeff, he fights with his fists and doesn’t treat women Like That. Because Zeff’s the one who instilled in him to never hit a woman (and made it weird but that’s not the point).

He’s out on some mission in the Grand Line when he runs into the Straw Hats and he sees Zoro’s green hair and associates it with Yonji and he just haaaates him on sight.

The fight is super evenly matched and Zoro manages to knock him out eventually but he’s like what’s the guy’s DEAL. Wtf is his problem.

Maybe Law’s with them when it goes down and he recognizes that costume and fanboys…

Oh actually yeah— Law’s with them! And after Zoro knocks him out, Law goes into Creepy Surgeon Mode and is like for the love of god please let me get my fingers in that chest cavity

And everyone else (bar Robin ofc) is like Σ（ﾟдﾟlll）

But Law gets a room going and finds all sort of odd Germa technology literally implanted in him and starts pulling it out and messing with it and suddenly Sanji wakes UP and he’s— he’s scared. And overwhelmed. He’s in real time having to reckon with years of torturing people.

And Law’s like oh the emotional part of this is not in my pay grade this is not my job anymore and dips.

So Sanji’s there in the Sunny’s infirmary like “I’m a monster I need to be put down oh my god” and Luffy shows up like HEY you’re cool as hell join my crew.

Zoro is not a fan of this option and also it turns out neither is Sanji BUT sanji has nowhere to go so he makes a deal to sail with them until the next habitable island. So Zoro watches him like a hawk bc he’s like “you’re definitely faking this and are gonna turn evil and try to kill people again right”

But instead he just keeps finding Sanji being really pathetic and sad and looking longingly at the kitchen (Robin doubles as the cook and her food is damn near inedible but that’s just the life of a pirate innit)

Late one night Zoro comes off watch and he sees Sanji sneaking into the kitchen and he thinks OH he’s going to try to POISON US so he sneaks in after him and confronts him, swords and all. And Sanji, who knows what an awful person he’s been and knows he deserves death, just starts crying and is like “yeah you can kill me just let me cook one thing once I just want to remember what it feels like”

So Zoro lets him cook, and is like yeah I’m killing you after this, and Sanji spends a long time sniffling as he re-familiarizes himself with pots and pans and spices and knives and ends up making something garlic-y and delicious that smells strong enough to wake up the crew, and everyone traipses in enraptured by the smell. So Sanji serves them and Zoro tries it first because if it’s poisoned he’s not letting EVERYONE go down. But it’s not poisoned and it’s really good, and anyway Zoro can’t kill him now in front of everyone.

But three nights later the same thing happens— he sees Sanji sneaking into the kitchen and follows him and Sanji says “I know you should’ve killed me last time but you couldn’t, I get that, but I’m dangerous. So let me cook just one more time and then you can kill me.”

And it doesn’t happen of course. Everyone comes in and everyone eats and Zoro watches Sanji recover a little of himself.

And so it goes. At first every few nights and then every other night, and then every single night.

And whenever Zoro comes in, Sanji says, I know I deserve to die but let me cook just one more thing.

And at some point Zoro stops thinking about killing Sanji. He’s a part of the crew now. He’s proving himself, and anyway Zoro can beat him and hold him down and Law can reverse whatever it is again if needs be.

So it’s just a thing they do. Zoro lightly threatens him and Sanji begs for his life and they move on. It’s routine but it doesn’t actually MEAN anything anymore.

That is, until one really bad night where Sanji doesn’t show up in the kitchen like he always does, and Zoro goes looking and finally finds him deep in the steerage, and Sanji says, “I can’t keep living like this, please just kill me. I can’t keep living knowing I’m going to die the next day.”

And Zoro’s like ???? You’re not gonna die the next day wtf

And Sanji says, please, just get it over with.

Zoro realizes that Sanji has continued all this time assuming Zoro really is coming to kill him every night

But it’s been MONTHS at this point. Surely he wouldn’t still think—

But Sanji’s wracked with more than a decade’s worth of guilt, is so sure he deserves the worst the world possibly has to offer.

Too bad Zoro’s a little in love with him at this point. And says anyone who wants to kill Sanji will have to go through Zoro first.

Which Sanji DOESNT UNDERSTAND and he doesn’t understand the kiss Zoro follows it up with, but he returns it. Greedily.

Because as much as he knows he deserves death, he also relishes every moment of life, every chance to feel the emotions he wasn’t allowed. And Zoro goes from jailer to protector in his mind. Slowly. Hesitantly.

He spends years working through the trauma, decades really, but the simplicity with which Zoro sees the world helps. Zoro doesn’t blame him. Zoro loves him. Sanji doesn’t know much but he knows he’ll defend this ship that saved him with his life.

And he knows Zoro wouldn’t let Sanji defend HIM with his life, because Zoro views his life as precious and important.

Which is something Sanji is still learning.

He’ll get there.

#zosan #it’s always a toss up what fics to write vs what to just throw out into the void like this #uhhhhh I need a tag for this #would this go in the Zosan fanfic tag I dunno if that’s just for finished fic #my writing #I guess that works #anyway cross posted from twitter since I have like 3 followers lmao #and tbh it’s been a week I’m still thinking about this #(I’m thinking about writing omegaverse Zosan more tho) #(and ptsd law who’s scared of luffy) #(too little time in the world)

[mayordoi]

frobin drawing based on utsu-p’s diarrhea album art. cuz redrawing utsup albums with my silly little blorbo is what i do :>

#mayor doidles #fanart #fe #fire emblem #fire emblem awakening #fe awakening #fe 13 #robin fire emblem #frobin #idk if ill tag vocaloid lol its too loose. but ill check my older posts w my past redraws to see if i did that #digital art #simple/sketch #i have like three more i wanna do. algorithm cd-r and unique #i guess galapagos too since i never finished my original try at that but i dont feel like it #and i never drew ptsd with robin [drew my oc instead cuz it fit more] but i aint stressin about that

[lobotomyladylives]

I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck

#my sister just snapped at me bc i said i dont want to do a ton of physical labor for the job she signed me up for which apparently does i #in fact involve a lot of it. and her being mad for even that moment sent me spiraling so badly & i had the reaction i often do where #i start hating both her & myself terribly & want to isolate forever #i think she hates her new job & is taking it out on me but it doesnt matter bc i cant handle being yelled at #and the fact thst it took me till adulthood to realize thats bc i associate it with my father is crazy. yeah its just the cptsd like #everything else. and whats nutso is how i continue to think my trauma Wasnt Bad Enough for ptsd . #just bc he didnt beat the shit out of or molest me i feel like i dont even have a right to be this fucked up #not that it was only him. being bullied at school really did not help. i guess now that i think about it the problem is that until #i was a teenager i literally did not feel emotionally secure anywhere. home or school. always the ticking of a bomb in the bg #the inevitable moment my dad blew up over nothing or i overheard my peers talking about what a freak i was #i dont know why it still hurts to think about. im so far removed from it my life now couldnt be more different #well thats the stupid fucking thing about childhood isnt it. those are your very first experiences with the world & other ppl #i do know my view of romantic relationships was irrevocably poisoned by my parents & that is never going to be undone. so cool

[n7punk]

I'm doing some vibes-based reorganizing of the Outside of the War series. It's still kind of chronological, but also clustered around... vibes. Listen, it's subject to change and I'm just feeling it out right now ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i'm trying to put some of the mini-series together now too since that just makes more sense

#and if yall hate it let me know i guess but i doubt anyone gives a shit about what order it's in except me #when its purely chronological you end up with a fic about wrestling with PTSD and abuse sandwiched between two smutshots #and that just felt a little weird and like whiplash #and i had things like the sequel for a fic with context coming before the first part #i already made some exceptions for that but im making More now #mylife

[fallenfawnn]

..

#saw a psychiatrist for the very first time earlier this week #it was like.. fine? idk.. is just weird #i feel like i can never say what i want to say how i want to say it and i feel like i forget so much and get so fawn-response at the doctor #idkkkk #he told me i have BPD which like okay i mean no surprise to me i have known i for the criteria for 10 years now lol #but for some reason that being the first thing he landed on annoyed me lol #especially after he told me i don’t meet criteria for PTSD which fine i guess.. it’s wayy more CPTSD which isn’t a diagnosis here sooooo #anyways anyways #i hope in the future maybe i have the courage to bring up autism but like.. eh. #in this first appt he already seemed confused by why i was struggling so much to take care of myself but can maintain #my high-demand technical ‘smart person’ job #to which i said that is the *only* thing i can maintain at the detriment to everything else in my life #anywaysssss #i just cant tell if i were to bring up autism if he would be the type to “’i have a masters degree and maintain a job and AFAB so no’ #‘it’s just the BPD’ #as if bpd and complex trauma and autism don’t all intensely overlap and hold hands lol #ANYWAYS #first ate i guess is at least i have a psychiatrist now #and m proud of myself for that and for going

[ellierenae]

this is such a specific vibe but could you guys recommend me some authors like kurt vonnegut, joseph heller, chuck palahniuk, and charlotte perkins gilman?

#i guess what i'm saying is these authors capture the turmoil of ptsd with a sense of humor and it'd mean the world to me to get to read more #authors with feelings just like mine! #book recs wanted #book rec request #book recommendations #from ellie

[shrikeseams]

Thinking about Celegorm avenging Aredhel on Luthien got me thinking about… oh gosh. Somebody had a headcanon about Galadriel interacting with Aredhel. Them writing letters after Aredhel's marriage? Something like that. Sorry, I've forgotten who wrote it and most of the content. But it was interest to me, because...

At least to me, the Aredhel Situation only really works if nobody knows she's there. I mean. She's the daughter of the high king of the Noldor. The abduction/seduction only works in the first place because she vanished into Gondolin, and the people outside Gondolin don't know she's missing. I think this is why I don't think Turgon sent letters to his family on the outside until he shows up for the Union. If he was in touch with his dad, he would tell Fingolfin that Aredhel had gone missing, and approximately where-ish, and Fingolfin and Fingon and Aredhel's cousins would be posting rewards for information and organizing search parties. Fingon went into Angband for a cousin he was angry at, I'm pretty sure he'd spend at least a decade scouring the mountains of terror and surrounding territory for his little sister. I'm not sure they would have found her, but everybody would have raised too much of a ruckus for anyone associated with Eol to claim plausible deniability. (And abduction by an elf wouldn't have been on the list of possibilities! Realistically, the worries are that she's dead or that she's become Maedhros 2.0. And 'death' is only the first concern because Morgoth hasn't tried to ransom her.)

But see, the whole situation is extremely politically volatile and embarrassing, especially to Doriath. This isn't just a marriage scandal. This is, functionally, the same thing Celegorm did to Luthien. And this predates the Luthien Incident, so Doriath can't just throw this back on the Noldor. This is Doriath losing the moral high ground. This is Thingol's Family Wronging Finwe's Family in an extremely intimate way.

So if Eol tells Thingol, or lets Aredhel write to Galadriel... that puts everyone involved in a sticky situation. Now, I do not like Thingol, and I do not think highly of his politics, and I don't think he's altruistic at all. But I also don't think he'd be comfy with letting one of his kinsmen abduct the only daughter of the king of the people who are guarding his borders. The Noldor are his first defense against Morgoth, even if Melian is the more certain defense. At this point in the timeline he is still somewhat playing nice. He has no reason to think the situation will stay secret, and he only looks worse if he doesn't get in front of the issue. (And even if he's willing to do nothing, I feel like Melian would Take An Interest. Either way, that's not a scandal they can afford to go unmanaged if they want to keep the moral high ground.)

And if Galadriel knows.... very sincerely I think the situation becomes even more of a ticking political time bomb. Galadriel likes learning from Melian, and Doriath is safe, and the Iathrim haven't crossed her moral bottom line the way the kinslaying Noldor have. That last item? The moral bottom line? I'm pretty sure that goes violently out the window if a relative of Thingol's (and therefore presumably of Galadriel herself) has trapped her cousin in a questionable marriage and won't let her see or even write to her family. I'm not sure how that would shake out, but if Melian didn't respond to close door talks I can see her going nuclear and sending all the details to at least Finrod, and possibly Fingolfin.

Just. Politically, this is a powder keg, and if the full story was known outside Gondolin, then there are several political actors ( Fingolfin, Maedhros, possibly even Finrod if he's convinced it's for the greater good) who would use it to wring concessions out of Doriath, or as an excuse to cut any political obligations they had to Thingol. "Your cousin abducted and then murdered my daughter right under your nose" is a smaller scale than Alqualonde, but it's made powerful by the intimacy of the connections and by all the players being known in Beleriand.

#Tolkien #this is written with a more abduction relationship #but most of it holds if it's more of an ill-advised elopement #(which is what I think Curufin is interpreting the relationship as when he confronts Eol) #there's the potential for so many messy political AUs #and like. If you want Aredhel to live? #I still think you can acheive that easily by having her escape to *anywhere* but Gondolin or Doriath #Himring and Himland and Dorthonion and even Barad Eithel are going to be Front Line War PTSD Paranoid about patting down unfamiliar elves #Gondolin is paranoid about *secrecy* not armed attack from within by 1 elf #I guess Nargothrond could go either way #but if Curufin could have caught up to her and calmed her down enough to stay with him? #or talked her into going for deliberate misdirection and sending her east while he tells Eol she went west? #San shoots the breeze

[justiceblooms]

i'd like to engage in a little... darker content for 'genti. like obviously he's a walking meme, but it's proven that when we face him in combat and at the end of his companion quest that he is INCREDIBLY strong and a force to be reckoned with. couple that with his character stories - which are fairly dark in themselves, especially the one describing him covered in blood during his trial of reflection and what happened to his friend / fellow knight. 'genti's piety comes at a cost. he is zealous to a near fault, and while never cruel, there is a memory bubble that suggests that the path of beauty can be rather dark - and idrila bewitching, as opposed to benevolent. at his core he is a chivalric knight, and a 'traditionally good' character, but it's not unlikely that one might catch him bathed in the blood and viscera of both foes and idrila nay-sayers. again, that devotion comes at a cost, even a certain sort of madness. anyways i have many more little thoughts i want to blurb out but im super tired. i can't wait for this thursday so i can actually do some writing over the break. sobs.

#is this a hc? #kind of i guess #i have more i want to spit out about his ptsd and the whack-a-doodle shit he can do with his eyes #hsr made his sq pretty unserious which is fine but i think theres a lot more like #darker elements of his story that need to be touched on #🌹 （ ooc ） ⁄ spagenti hours. #🌹 （ headcanon ） ⁄ i offer you the captivating aroma of a rose.

[xxlovelynovaxx]

Anti-recovery people: hey, it's okay to be unhealthy. That's not always something you can change and it's certainly not something you have to do. It's okay to exist as you are.

"Pro-recovery" people: OMG YOU'RE what's wrong with the mental health community, you BRAINWASHED me into thinking it wasn't okay for people to seek help if THEY wanted it, this is honestly TOXIC AF.

Anti-recovery people: but ... that's literally not what we said. Most people view recovery as this linear progression of milestones that often includes becoming more palatably neurotypical, which is ableist. What we're saying is that it's okay to recover if you want to, but that doesn't have to look like the mainstream abled version of recovery, and that it's okay to not do so at all. Some people also can't recover to those standards and we celebrate accepting your limitations.

"Pro-recovery" people: So it's OKAY to just harm your friends because of your mental illness? You support being a BAD person and not bothering to change? Also being unhealthy is bad and I'm going to assume because I recovered that everybody is capable of doing so, even if using different methods, and just choosing not to bother because of YOU people.

Anti-recovery people: What? No! Hurting other people is not okay! Do you actually think that these symptoms of a diagnosis are what causes someone to choose to harm other people? That's both super ableist and also a fundamental misunderstanding of what causes harmful, toxic, and abusive behaviors.

Anti-recovery people: In the few cases where someone is truly incapable of controlling a harmful behavior, where someone has extremely high support needs, we support them getting the adequate societal support to have someone help them through these behaviors without anyone getting hurt, but more importantly, without exacerbating their own distress that they are very clearly expressing.

Anti-recovery people: In most other cases, conflating the choices and actions of someone who is mentally ill with their diagnosis is super ableist, as is conflating "it's okay if you struggle to brush your teeth" with "it's okay to treat your friends and loved ones like shit with no consequences". I assume you're defining harm as "actively insulting, belitting, invalidating, physically or sexually assaulting you, though, and not just visibly having symptoms of a mental illness or talking about their struggles, right?*

"Pro-recovery"people: . . .

Anti-recovery people: We're saying that it's harmful to moralize health, for multiple reasons. There's that you are not capable of determining if a person is able to recover, for any given definition of recovery. There's that even if a person is able to, them being unhealthy is not actually harming you, and they have the right to make those choices even if you wouldn't make the same ones for yourself. There's the fact that recovery looks different for everybody, and for many, accepting that you can't "recover" to the expectations set by the mainstream IS recovery. ESPECIALLY given that many things that are called "unhealthy" are perfectly harmless and healthy aspects of neurodivergence that have been unnecessarily medicalized by our ableist society and psychiatric institutions.

"Pro-recovery" people: . . .

"Pro-recovery" people: YOU'RE the reason I wanted to kill myself for a decade and didn't bother to do anything about it! Personal responsibility, ever heard of it? Once I left your CULT I started doing yoga and now I'm BETTER and so everyone else can do that too!

Anti-recovery people: ... Do YOU know what personal responsibility is? All the "anti-recovery" in our names means is that we are against the idea that it's morally wrong to refuse to recover, whether that means refusing to conform to the mainstream ideal of recovery, a choice that you make to not pursue recovery, or an acceptance of your own inability to recover. We are not against choosing recovery as a personal decision if that's what you want - in fact, we support those people.

Anti-recovery people: Anyway, you don't know what led up to someone making this choice. Someone with long-term treatment-resistant suicidal depression is not wrong for not continuing to try meds that have not once worked, pursuing expensive TMS they may not be able to afford which is not covered by most insurance, continuing meds that have some effect but worse side effects than the depression itself, or psychotherapy that may have little to not effect, especially if they have at any point been subject to psychiatric neglect or abuse, which is more common than you're aware.

"Pro-recovery" people: See, I was toxic like you but unlearned all of that so now I'm no longer toxic. Btw I'm currently actively harassing disabled people because they're not 'working hard enough' or using 'better coping skills' and them being unhealthy is a personally harmful to me and everyone that ever interacts with them. What do you mean that's not okay just because the disability is a mental illness?? That's ableist!!1

Anti-recovery people: Okay, so, you haven't even bothered to deconstruct the moralization of healthiness and how that ties into ableism, I see. It's actively bigoted to expect someone to meet certain standards of health when they have a CHRONIC HEALTH ISSUE. This is no different than expecting someone with a chronic illness never to eat or drink anything unhealthy, to exercise regularly, have perfect sleep habits, and otherwise be a paragon of healthy choices or else it's "their fault" for just "not caring enough to put in the work to recover. Of course, you likely also do those things, in which case the comparison is lost on you, because ableists are so rarely ableist against only mentally or physically disabled people and not the other.**

Anti-recovery people: You also seem to believe that you're ontologically incapable of doing harm - you say that it's an "ongoing process" but then your actions show that you haven't bothered learning to listen when people say you're harming them and have just changed your targets to be people who have less societal power than you so they're less able to stand up for themselves and you're less obligated to listen to them. Are you just trying to find a justification for bullying people that others will accept?

"Pro-recovery" people: . . . STOP HARASSING ME!!1

Anti-recovery people: *Looks into camera like they're on the office*

*I have actually harmed others in the past in ways that were influenced by my mental illness. OCD, of all things, was the one that most directly impacted my actions, and I owned my mistakes. That being said, they were still my CHOICE. The mental illness played a role, but it didn't cause the harm I did. You know what wasn't my choice, though? My overreliance on my friends for essentially trauma-dumping and for getting my emotional needs met because I was actively being abused and the system was neither providing me ANY way out nor even adequate mental healthcare (as if that's possible when being ACTIVELY ABUSED WITH NOT EVEN A BROCHURE OFFERED ABOUT HOW TO ESCAPE ABUSE.) I was a drowning person clawing at them for survival, and it was neither of our faults that the system is primed to actively keep disabled people in abusive situations. So don't @ me.

**I would know, I am both multiple physically and multiply mentally disabled.

#ableism #sanism #anti recovery #please I am begging you to use one modicum of critical thought and do like thirty seconds of actual research #I put 'pro recovery' in quotes because these people have actively hindered my recovery for years #like no actually my being unhealthy is harming no one besides myself #and in some cases harm reduction means deciding that 'recovery' would currently be more harmful to me than the illness #like that's BASIC harm reduction #healthy not morally GOOD. unhealthy not morally BAD. you're not ENTITLED to anyone else's health #like some people aren't ABLE to be healthy Karen #even for those that put a lot of hard work into recovery. which if you say you did I believe you. #do you understand that not everybody is capable of putting in that work in ANY capacity? #Also I'll give three guesses as to which types of neurodivergence they are disproportionately saying acceptance of is bad #(I'll bet it's PDs schizospec conditions and dissociative disorders/PTSD/trauma in general) #(they all conflate that last one anyway) #don't @ me I have all three #'pro recovery' people just block me you've done enough direct and immediate harm to me already

[caffeinatedopossum]

I'm starting to feel like bpd is actually just what happens when there's an overlap between adhd, ptsd, and depression- which I think is much more common than physciatrists think

I have a lot of theories but also like I need to do way more research on this before assuming things because I know this is already a greatly stigmatized disorder and I don't want to erase anyone's experiences or make it worse.

#i have adhd ptsd and depression myself #and im not sure if physciatrists are misunderstanding (ima be honest ive lost a lot of my faith in them for stuff like this) again #or if its just a coincidental overlap in the presentation of the conditions #it would honestly make a lot of sense to me though #a lot of physciatrists and therapists agree that bpd is a trauma disorder #it almost feels like what happens if you recieve the trauma that would cause DID (i have DID as well) but #but either at an older age or without the necessary capacity for dissociation required #the reason i say adhd is because the link between adhd and depression seems heavily overlooked #not to mention the effects of adhd in adulthood #given that bpd is a trauma disorder im guessing a lot of people with the condition were neglected by their parents to some degree #not necessarily all but enough that adhd symptoms in childhood would go undiagnosed #and once youre an adult its much harder to get a diagnosis #youre more likely to be diagnosed with things like depression and bipolar disorder #because its gone on so long that its sort of metastasized into more har. #*more harmful conditions #i could be totally wrong about the adhd thing #i just think that its unacceptable how ineffective the treatments are for it #feel free to tell me about your experiences with the condition if you have bpd #that includes self diagnosed people too btw. anyone with bpd #i know a lot of people who suffer needlessly because doctors are incompetent so im just really passionate about this

[seventh-district]

i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)

#Seven’s Public Diary #vent #vent post #cw vent #cw vent post #cw health #cw heart #i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it #i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help #sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me #he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me #sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree #have i Ever actually relaxed #hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch #anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things #a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal #so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now #and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser #i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever #if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked #all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is #every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse #anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches #‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now #i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC #which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it #i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead #anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t. #it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about #i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father

[dc-sideblog]

Not Cass learning ASL instead of spoken English because her brain’s language centers made a magic exception for it but yes Cass learning ASL as soon as she’s got a semi-good handle on words because speaking aloud feels genuinely uncomfortable after a lifetime of silence

#Cass is autistic because I’m autistic and I say so #if sounds for communication is uncomfortable for me sometimes then it definitely is for her #speaking is so loud #listening hurts sometimes #there are a large population of autistic people who prefer sign #even those who are verbal or semi verbal #like hell semi verbal is so common. #we got more people at work who are autistic and using sign than who are deaf and using sign #also! #ptsd and auditory sensitivities fucking suck when mixed together #and guess what absolutely no one has only one diagnosis #and Cassandra Cain definitely has both #dc #cassandra wayne

[modern-inheritance]

Fäolin: A ramble post about the fallen member of the elf squad and why he wouldn't have remained one

While writing Reunion and realizing how much Arya and Glen care for each other as friends, I realized that I have done very little writing with Fäolin. Since then I established that he was the more lighthearted one of the group, confirmed he was their sniper, reestablished that he and Arya grew up together as kids and were friends long before Arya even left for the Varden, and confirmed that he and Arya were in love. 

That last bit, though. That last bit is what’s throwing everything up right now. See, Paolini said during some interviews that Arya and Faolin were indeed romantically involved, but in a way it was more for convenience (???) and they never were ‘romantic soulmate/true name’ material for each other. He has said several times that Arya wouldn’t have stayed with Fäolin as romantic partners had he lived.

And honestly? Thinking about him in MIC and how his character has (loosely) developed in my mind, I agree.

And I don’t think that, had he survived along with or instead of Glenwing, he would have returned to the Varden with Arya for the Battle of the Burning Plains and to officially become one of Eragon and Saphira’s bodyguards. Something would have changed. And I don’t think Arya could really accept it.

Here’s where I’m coming from. Fäolin agrees with Arya and Glen that the elves need to be doing more for the fight against Galbatorix. He believes in it, would fight for it, and did, but there’s something different. We’re gonna go like…way more in depth than I’ve gone before and again, this is a ramble, so don’t expect much to make sense. 

Let’s go back to The Medic, Glen’s first official appearance in MIC storylines. Glen was born in Ilirea and lived there for about 15 years before the 5 year war of the Fall of the Riders began. His mother and father both died in the final conflict at Ilirea while Glen was spirited off to Du Weldenvarden, possibly fighting alongside Evandar himself. He was old enough to see the world he knew falling apart around him and know why it was falling apart. He wanted to fight to get it back and knew he could make a difference. So he left.

Arya, meanwhile, was around probably 6-8 at the time the war ended. She grew up with war on the horizon and infiltrating everything. It was all she knew. Her father would explain everything to her he could, why he was leaving so often, why her mother was frequently sad or angry, explained Galbatorix to her. Rhunön swore up and down about the Wyrdfell and the injustices being committed, the insanity of it all. She grew up with this knotted feeling of anger and frustration at what was lost and what was being thrown away and fury that she was left without her father and, in a way, without her mother because of the war. She hated hearing how people were being hurt and dying when the elves could be out there making a difference. And damn it she knew she could make some difference. So she left.

Fäolin is different. He wasn’t as close to the conflict but still was affected by it. He wasn’t the son of a king or great warriors and healers, just regular elves who were drawn into the war. His father remained behind to watch him while his mother joined the fight out of a sense of duty. She fell during the conflict, and his father, unable to cope with the loss of the entire world he had known, his mate of centuries, and unable to look at his son who was so much a reminder of his loss, left Fäolin in the care of their village and disappeared into Du Weldenvarden’s depths. Fäolin was more shielded from the war than the others, and while he too grew up with an itch to change the world outside the forest, and to fight Galbatorix and his Forsworn, he didn’t feel the urgency that Arya and Glen did. He didn’t feel he had a reason to actually leave Du Weldenvarden. He had a whole family, his village, providing him with the attachment that the other two had difficulty feeling due to their circumstances. And he didn’t feel like he needed to leave until about 30 years before the first book, and only then because he felt that his friendship and feelings for Arya were what drove him. 

Arya and Fäolin were very, very close friends. Different from the way Arya and Glen were close (Arya frequently explained it as ‘Once you trust someone enough to hold your literal guts in while there’s bullets and blades and fire around you, and they’re not moving until they can move you despite all that, you get closer than any of that romantic crap could get you.’), they were childhood best friends. Fäolin was a bright spot that Arya felt the war would never touch, and while she wanted him by her side she absolutely did NOT want him joining the Varden. But he did, and he was still bright and the sun and he never lost that quirky little smile. He was, in a way, everything she was fighting for, the people back in Du Weldenvarden, the free races, Alagaësia, the innocent people who didn’t really choose this fight. 

I think they both loved each other. I think they loved each other romantically and I think, in a way, they loved each other because they needed each other. I can’t put it into words properly but that’s the vibe I have. It doesn’t change the fact that they were in love. 

When Arya was captured, Glen was distraught. After healing and adapting to his prosthetic he tried to leave Ellesméra and Du Weldenvarden to do two things: Find out if Arya was alive (and if so, get her back), and rejoin the Varden. Arya or no, he would have left anyway. The only reason he hadn’t by the time everyone got back was because Gilderien wouldn’t let him on the Queen’s orders.

Fäolin, though. He would have stayed. Maybe he would have had a reason, maybe he didn’t want to question if Arya was dead or alive and the implications of her living through the ambush and not being found, maybe he just couldn’t take any more of life in the warzone, maybe he had soured on the rebels when it was realized that someone in the Varden had to have leaked their location for the ambush. He would have given up on her being alive and possibly given up on defeating Galbatorix altogether. 

And despite his reasons or his lack of them, no matter how he would have or not have tried to explain it to Arya when she returned with Eragon and Saphira and Brom in tow, I don’t think she could have accepted them. I think she would have seen that he had changed, and she had changed. The changes from her time in the Varden had been gradual and more in line with who she was as a person, but the changes after her imprisonment, more hidden though they may be, are sharp and sudden and I don’t think Fäolin would have been able to cope with them either. They would have remained friends, still laughed and joked around, but there would be a noticeable distance. And they would just…drift apart. 

I don’t think Arya would have even asked him to come with her again. She would have just said goodbye. 

So. 

Yeah. 

I can’t think of anything else but that’s what it’s at right now. 

#eragon #inheritance cycle #the cyclists #the world of eragon #the inheritance cycle #Ket's Modern Inheritance Cycle #faolin #Fäolin #elf squad #Arya/faolin #glenwing #glen #faolin is difficult for me to figure out #he...didn't get as much of the 'trauma' though he certainly had his fair share #i feel like he was more...i don't want to say resilient to it or that he didnt let it affect him #but he never manifested nearly as much ptsd/recall/nightmares as Glen and Arya did #he saw less direct combat due to not being there during the Surdan establishment conflicts #i donno he just didn't take as much on i guess #modern inheritance #arya #arya drottningu #modern inheritance lore #og elf squad

[tinderfishboy]

Big things are coming (i might be able 2 get a med card)

#my friends might be willing 2 pitch in for the initial cost too #bc see washington is really really evil with it and they dont let you get one for mental illnesses #however #they do let you get one for ptsd #and as it turns out. i am checking far more of the boxes than id like to think about. so like. win i guess

[system-of-a-feather]

Sometimes I forget I have C-PTSD until I think "Hey Imma go do computer stuff in the living room / at the living room desk so I can be in the same room as my fiance playing games" and out of nowhere for no reason my brain turns the hypervigilance on max and ramps up the stress and I was like

"On second thought, I think Ill go right back to our room with my birds thank you" XD

My cockatiels are my emotional support birds and are used to less predictability in routine and staying up until I do, so I am letting them wake up and stay up next to me but they have to be quiet else the sleeping lovebirds might get jealous XD

#alter: riku #literally other than it being more open and more stimuli #but not more than usual to note #my brain was like #if we try to do anything right now other than panic we will panic #so I was like ok have it your way back to cozy room I guess #cptsd #ptsd #c-ptsd