#Most Glorioius Fuck You Moment

[abzanascendancy]

In Today’s Magic Story...

The Gathering Storm: Chapter Two

Last time, Niv Mizzet got an idea! From Bolas! What could go wrong? This time, we got some Golgari stuff going down!

A midden is a dunghill or dump, usually of organic material.

Offal are entrails and internal organs used for food.

This first paragraph is a symphony! God I missed descriptive language!

Aha! We’re following Jarad here! Before his inevitable demise, I presume.

The Golgari really have it all. Bio-luminescent fungi for lights, couches covered in soft moss... That’s what’s separates them from Selesnya: Selesnya will just squat in a tree, while the Golgari will find a practical and beautiful use for every fungi for interior decoration.

Each planter was a corpse, or sometimes several corpses, carefully propped, cut, and arranged to promote the growth of some particular species of fungus.

I’m imagining Golgari growing competitions, where they’re judged not just on the fungi they grow, but also judge the corpse-planter.

“While Devesh’s latticed stinkhorn was the most lively, it wasn’t enough to make up for their disheveled corpse. Cevraya’s, on the other hand, was very well done. They guided the rhizomorphs to hold the corpse in place, freezing it in a pose of longing anguish. The planter and the fungus compliment one another, perfectly encompasing the cycle of life and death.” -- Excerpt from a Golgari Fungi competition, probably.

Here a man sat with his legs crossed, head tipped back, vast yellow-white stalk growing out of his eyes; beside him a woman arched her back, her chest sectioned and peeled back to allow delicate blue fronds to reach up from her heart. Some of the fungi were so large and solid they grew around their hosts, leaving faces and limbs to jut out of quivering masses of gray-white flesh.

I didn’t read ahead and I was 100% right. Now I need to make a Golgari D&D character who wants to create the best rot sculpture ever.

Cilia is a very odd thing to call your inner council, especially when cilium are the hair-like things in your lungs.

Reminder that the Erstwhile serving Jarad & the Cilia here were raised by Mazirek to overthrow him. They’re playing the long con, I see...

Oh hey, Storrev! She’s on a card! What was ordered sealed, the door? Why would you want to seal it, Jarad? Hiding from a certain petrifying someone?

Cold Iron is a thing in Ravnica. Good against fae.

By god! That’s Vraska’s music!

And she brought her cutlass with her! You go, pirate queen!

Vraska walking in with her kraul allies. Time for retribution.

Blue and red facepaint, Jarad? Seriously? You’re in the Golgari, not Izzet.

"Vraska," he snarled. "I do not recall summoning you. Nor asking you to break down my door." "And here I am, nevertheless," Vraska said. "Funny, that."

We missed you so much!!!

The elves are scrambling out of the way, but the Erstwhile are staying at the ready. Looks like Jarad doesn’t have any allies in the room whatsoever. Courtesy of Nicol Bolas no doubt.

"Someone kill her," Jarad drawled.

You can just feel the laziness oozing out of him.

Ooh, the tattoos mean something! I wonder if different grades of blademaster have different insects, or if the type of mantis tattoo dictates which rank you are. Like at each level, more of it is added on.

Dang, Mazirek! Just melting someone so that only a skeleton remains! Shame you were somehow a pawn of Bolas. Still waiting for an explanation on that.

It’s rare for Kraul to be telepathic.

Really, Jarad? Wigs on the Erstwhile? Was that really necessary? And give the ladies more substantial clothes, you monster.

Jarad’s already dead, though at this point I assume people just use ‘kill’ for zombies and other undead just out of simplicity.

Jarad already throwing out racist remarks with ‘bug’. I’m glad we get to see him perish.

"Respect will do you very little good when you're rotting in my garden." Jarad grinned, bright and unhinged. "But enough of this! Put aside your grievances, and I will make you—" Vraka lashed out, a fast punch that caught Jarad on the nose with a solid crunch. He staggered backward, blood streaming over his upper lip.

^^accurate reenactment.

Ahhhh. Jarad turned back to Vraska, and now there was panic in his eyes. She drank it in like nectar. His mouth worked, hands clutching at his robe "You still won't get away with it," he muttered. "Enjoy your little victory. The rest of the elves—" "Have Erstwhile servants," Vraska said. "Don't they?"

This deserves an award. The Most Glorious ‘F*ck You’ Moment Award.

Jarad, why do you have a collar? Nevermind, I don’t want to know. You’re a statue now. And soon to be rubble, probably.

Ooh! Kaya story!

A bas-relief is a relief with a shallow depth.

Wow, Orzhov security is worse than the Izzet’s. Then again, there’s the flavor text for Cyclopean Snare: The spoiled, gluttonous halls of the Orzhov teem with gaudy, needless wealth. Even their security measures are made for beauty first, efficiency second.

Reminder that the Golgari are in charge of agriculture. That pear you’re eating? Probably grown from dear ol’ uncle bob.

Do you know what I want to see in the next core set? An Origin’s style set for enemy-colored walkers.

We don’t know anything ‘bout where Kaya’s from, apart from the fact that she’s from a noble family. And now that she’s been sliding through barriers most her life.

I’d like to see the first plane Ral planeswalked to. Maybe Kaladesh? Or speaking of which, where did Saheeli Rai go?

We don’t know much about the first plane Vraska planeswalked to, other than it was dark. I’m sure one of the Ixalan stories also mentioned she was imprisoned there too, but that may have been because she needed to master planeswalking.

Where did Kiora first planeswalk to? What gigantic beasts did she see? Did she go to Naya?

What about Nahiri? I’d suggest Huatli, but we know her story for the most part. It’d still be neat to see her on Kaladesh though.

Anyways, back to the story!

It’s nice comparing the decadence of the Golgari to that of the Orzhov. It’s an interesting juxtaposition.

The first rule of mercenary work was "never trust the client," and that was doubly true in the case of Nicol Bolas.

Like you trusted Emilio Revari at first?

OOH! Kaya’s plane has a broken sky!

Kaya needs new contacts if they insisted Nicol F*cking Bolas was trustworthy.

Kaya is the kind of assassin who’d leave you a letter detailing how pitiful your security was.

Gargoyles, despite being made of stone, can be silenced by jamming your fist down their throat. I’m going to chalk this up to ‘Orzhov spending money on realistic gargoyle statues.’

Dang, Kaya’s a professional! Carrying bandages with her to use on the job!

Typically, though, they didn't live—or continue to exist, or whatever—long enough to spread the lesson around, since they usually had few defenses against a foot of cold steel in their ghostly hearts.

Thank you Kaya, for being as confused as I am when referring on killing/destroying undead.

Rescue mission accomplished! Teysa is saved!

I think ‘mutual friend’ refers to Bolas here. Kaya’s being evasive about who it is, and as Bolas did direct Kaya to free Teysa, he would technically count as a mutual friend.

Later on in the story, Teysa knows she’s working with Bolas, but doesn’t want Tomik to know. And now we know another, if not the, reason Teysa didn’t want to see Kaya. Guilt, perhaps. Or just snubbing her because a war wasn’t what she wanted.

Teysa’s worried about the legalese of killing the Obzedat, while Kaya thinks she means the difficulty of killing ghosts.

More info on Kaya! Her family relationships are “complicated”.

"Let's not kill me off just yet." Kaya scratched her nose thoughtfully.

Yeah, it’s not as if you’re Dack Fayden. Aw, too soon?

Twisted Stem inn. Another location, one where Tomik frequents. I wonder if he and Ral--

Ah, another excellent story from Django Wexler! The Ghost Council get to live -- er, unlive? -- another day, but Jarad is dust! Great action scenes (which I’m not the best at commenting on) and great scenery, it was wonderful!

We got rot gardens! Fungus lights! Corpse planters! Lungs! Erstwhile! Splintering doors! A true pirate queen! Decadence! Laziness! Rot slime & skeletons! Punching right in the face! Uprising servants! Secrets! Revenge! Ostentatious & useless security! More decadence! Not trusting clients! Broken skies! Gargoyles! Professionalism! Contracts! Killing ghostly grandfathers! Murder plots! Inns!

And it looks like we won’t be getting any story for Core 2020, so... um...

When will the next Announcement Day be??? Stay tuned!

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