#My brain is just making me feel terrible

[lynxfrost13]

Man for some reason the “not living up to my potential” in terms of my art is really hitting today which is stupid.

Hey brain you know that art is a forever journey and that it’s okay to grow and learn and not be perfect right???

#it’s stupid that I feel bad!!! I know it’s stupid. and I am terribly sorry to vent abt it #it’s not that I think my art is bad I’m sorry if my other post gave that impression!!! I thought it was good. #the thing that bothers me is that I could’ve done better if that makes sense. but I chose to rush instead #I also tend to have high expectations for my work however I have very reasonable knowledge of what I’m capable of and the thing is #I really enjoyed making those traditional pieces!!! I did!! I had fun #and I played with a lot of new things and stretched that brain!!! however I tend to feel bad if I’m not immediately great at something new #which again is stupid bc I KNOW that it’s a process #and like I said I did have fun!! and will do more!!! but for some reason the little goblin in my mind is resting it’s hideous head #which hasn’t happened in a while #but that’s good bc it means I’m being challenged which is what I want and need #anyway sorry for the long complicated explanation I promise I’m not like. super upset #just overthinking bc I do that #Lynx talks

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Thoughts on baby sasunaru, like academy days where Sasuke realizes ‘shoot, I like this idiot’ after Naruto is carried into the class room laughing by disheveled ANBU who had to chase him around the town for 3 hours.

Anon I've been thinking abt this all day

#listen. i love sasuke a lot. and i see a lot of hate for him and i cant stand it #im obsessed with how sasuke sees naruto. he looks at naruto and naruto makes the world feel less terrible #that is literally canon. but at the same time their dynamic in the academy is so weird bc like they do not talk but they gaze #longingly at eachother. its so weird. so i think to make sense of this i would say that sasuke thinks naruto is fun #he likes his sort of carefree off the walls nature which is something he feels he cant show. i also dont understand sasuke's intelligence #like were told hes smart but he also struggles with the same stuff as naruto. thus i must assign him auditory processing issues/maybe #dyslexia. bc i like to inflict dyslexia upon my faves. and i like the idea of iruka seating them together so that he can give special #attention to naruto and to sasuke with sasuke having to speak up abt it. but thats just me making stuff up. i also like the idea that #sasuke just like blank faced glares so much to cover the fact that he has no idea wtf is happening. like he's super smart but his brain is #on a delay lmao. anyway i just love the idea of sasuke wanting to be a dumb kid doing dumb kid stuff with naruto to the extent that he #forgets his anger. and being 100% on board for narutos stupid ideas #uzumaki naruto #uchiha sasuke #hatake kakashi #umino iruka #haruno sakura #is this the 1st time ive drawn sakura? maybe. i have complcated feeling abt her for obv reasons. bad writing i mean #naruto #also i say sasuke thinks naru is fun. im looking past the fact that they feel eachothers pain. more why do they vibe together personality #wise. does that make sense? maybe idk. i just love them a lot #oh god i wish i could edit my tags at the start to clarify what i mean. but god i dont wanna rewrite this

[chainofclovers]

Being a human is literally like this weird combo of being okay and not okay that goes on forever except there is also death

#(i'm fine) #(personally) (mostly) (really) #this has just been an absolutely terrible year for our planet and its people and animals #and it's fucking insane that as an american living in relative safety and comfort and experiencing the pleasures and guilt of that... #...i can experience this horrible yet ENTIRELY SURVIVABLE blend of acute pain over so many things at once #including war and genocide and the utter hopelessness of that #and also things like being really really sad that matthew perry's life was so hard and he died #and also so many bad and weird things have happened to family members this year but we mostly have the resources to come together and deal #which is amazing and bolstering and exhausting #and my brain still has space to be excited about writing and numb to writing and angry/impotent about writing #desperate for feedback yet private and retreat-y and weird #always hoping to hit upon The Perfect Thing :-/ #and i live in a place that basically is not a democracy any more and also the u.s. is so cursed we've never been what we said we were #so a lot of my own perceived safety is incredibly fragile #but still so much more solid than what the people i am mourning for had #and none of the comparisons make a lick of sense and are in and of themselves deeply unfair #to the point that it's humiliating to feel guilt (making it about me) and simultaneously humiliating that i don't feel guilt *constantly* #and i have therapy this week but also this deep sense that while my therapist will be a fine person to talk to it will feel unuseful #i've always been a muddle of optimism and pessimism and i am very adamant that life is super beautiful and this is precisely why... #...all the violence in the world is so brutally devastating #it's just that the casserole of all these thoughts feels increasingly horrible #and feeling that way is 100% sane #and even intersectional frameworks and intentional attempts at gentleness only get you so far in the grapple #for meaning and for ideas of what to do #so i end up contacting my reps about various awful things #and zooming in and out on my fixations and having excellent days and terrible days #often dependent on what feels like a camera setting i only partially control #and i'm sure i'm not alone in feeling embarrassed that deep empathy and grief for people i've not met somehow ends up being... #...at least a sliver about ME and my little world #about me

[dirtytransmasc]

the chokehold Alicent and Aegon's bond, the level of mommy issues the latter has, and just the raw emotion between the two of them, has on me is wild and I need to be put in some sort of rehab I think.

#its so so so personal #it runs in my veins #I need an intervention #I think about them 24/7 #I think about them when it doesn't make sense #they're rotting my brain #but like? can you blame me? #they're perfect and terrible and they love each other more fhan anyone could ever understand but they hate each other #and they crave to hold into one another cause they're all the other truly has. a mother and her child. a son and his mother. but their touch #burns and their presence makes their chests ache. but they coukd not survive with the other gone. they would/have gone mad over it #they so so so flawed but so perfect #he looks just like her she looks just like him #they share the same face #he came from her captor born to her prison #he suffered because of it #he blames her. he's so sorry for existing. he's ok. he fine with it. it wasnt her fault. #she feels like she failed him #its just too good #alicent hightower #aegon targaryen #aegon ii targaryen #house of the dragon #hotd #pro team green

[that-was-anticlimactic]

one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t

#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap #bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU #lol idk why my head is so bad today #the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it #i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!! #but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do #oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse #sorry guys needed to rant #the inadequacy was strong today #something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like #i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me. #and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but #my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m #missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids #who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me #for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just— #sorry #that felt good actually #idk what came over me #imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags #sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh #okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is

[starlyht]

sometimes i remember that other bg3 wizard players have complained that they feel like their character is “overshadowed” by how good gale is & his relationship with mystra and need to lay down

#people HATE what makes a role playing game a role playing game . #all of the companions also feel like . #what a good character crafting player at a dnd table can make . #like this is a skill issue … #i also rlly like the idea of . #my wizard was taught what he knows by his adopted dad . #and would be sooooo starry eyed @ gale and what he can learn from him . #lex thinking gale is the coolest person he’s met . 🥺 #v interesting to me how a certain player base gives gale . #‘he’s a mary sue’ treatment usually observed for fem characters . #also THE POINT OF GALE’S CHARACTER IS THAT ITS TERRIBLE TO BE A GOD’S CHOSEN . #gale’s situation isn’t desirable instead of a brain do you just have forks clattering around in there ? #i am not a normal gale of waterdeep enjoyer . #fandom is so annoying w how they treat him but lemme stop before i go on forever …

[scamera-writes]

Her. An Essay.

The spring air lies heavy in your lungs as you breathe in deeply, the bright smells assault your nose and waves of nostalgia roll off the hills. You know this is her favorite season so you’ve dressed prepared for the chill in the air.

It's a long walk to the meadow with a shovel in hand and wheelbarrow pushed in front of you, but you do it. When you get there, a girl smiles up at you from where she is playing in the grass.

You know her age, but do not say it. You know her name, but do not say it. You know her, but do not say it.

She says hello in that sweet mellow tone that sounds so foreign yet so similar and tastes like syrup on your tongue. Her eyes are wide and shining, but blissfully not tear stained- like your own- and her cheeks are round with a warm flush as her smile softens.

You do not meet her eyes, those same beautifully colored eyes that match yours, searching for a hint as to what you’re doing here. You gaze across the meadow instead but still catch a glimpse of her blue denim overalls and green shirt.

They match your own in a way.

You finally say hi back and take the shovel to the dirt under a beautifully perfect sycamore tree that arches into the sky; it rises before the two of you, right in the middle of the meadow. The dirt stains your clothes as you drop to your knees, using your hands more than the shovel to dig at the layered earth.

You hear soft footsteps behind you but don’t look up from your work. To your side you see the girl walk up to you again and she places a small flower behind your ear before grinning and moving to lay in the sun near you.

You pluck the flower out from behind your ear to examine it. A white petunia. A wistful familiarity to the flower washes over you and you tuck it back behind your ear before moving back to the freshly unearthed dirt.

You can feel her watching as you dig this pit, you hate the feeling of dirt under your fingernails. The mud cakes on your hands and crackles with every movement; it makes your skin crawl but you don’t give up now. After a small hole is dug, you grab the large stone and tools brought in the wheelbarrow and begin to carve. She sits next to you now, her smaller hands grip a rock in her own palms and she plays with it gently.

You carve a name you didn’t think you’d ever write again into the rock and place it at the top of the pit. She recognizes the name, tips her head smiling gently, and in an understanding manner she stands up.

And walks away. Around the back of the sycamore tree she disappears and then reappears.

She plucks a sycamore leaf off the ground when she´s visible again and looks up as you smile at her. She drops the leaf into the hole you've dug, then helps you repack the layers of sediment that you both know you’ll unearth again, in the future, to be intertwined together in the end.

But not now. Now, the earth is resealed and she smiles sweetly, laying a makeshift bouquet of petunias and poppies with a gentle hand.

You get up and hold a hand out for her, she doesn't look away from the earth you've both just moved and instead runs her hands over the top of the rocks again before sighing with a big smile. She gets up and grabs your hand, it's so much smaller and softer than yours yet you can still feel the dirt on both of your hands.

She grips your hand a little tighter, following your lead as you walk towards home, flower still tucked behind your ear you notice a matching flower behind her own. And you smile.

When you get closer to the house, her eyes are wide with soft recognition, a place so familiar to the both of you yet it feels cold and empty at the same time. You invite her inside again, it's been so long for you both, still the house is like an old friend, in a way. You hold open the door and she steps through.

She walks over to the dinner table and sits down at the far side, gesturing for you to sit on the other but you shake your head politely.

You aren't ready yet.

You ask if she’d like a drink, and she nods. You already know what she would like so you don’t have to wait for her to tell you. Passing over the tall glass with ice clinking in it feels like a ritual. You don't want to let go. You do. You sit down across from her.

You know what's coming next and it's hard. You know you have to accept it. Losing her again won't be easy but you know it's not permanent this time.

She takes small sips of her drink, smiling over to you but neither of you attempt to make small talk anymore, you both know how the interaction will end.

And it's not bittersweet. Neither of you are upset. She is content in a way you don’t think you quite understand yet. But you think you feel complete, whole and peaceful for possibly the first time in your life.

It's enjoyable to watch her glowing eyes look at you with respect and admiration, to be able to grow into what you did makes her heart beat with something adjacent to love.

And as you leave the house, knowing you will be reunited in the end, to be buried in love & hate, happiness & anger, and warmth & heartache. You know it's love. It's always been love.

For her.

-Her. An Essay. (By me)

Happy trans visibility day. This is an ode to the girl I was. We will be buried together in the end. I love you, take care.

#scamera writes #scamera poems #original poem #trans day of visibility #transgender #lgbtq #tdov #wanted to post this one eventually and figured today wasnt a terrible day to do it #anyways. idk if it comes across properly but this is about being and not being the girl i was #and how she was herself and in order to be me i had to dig her grave and by god she helped #but we will be intertwined again in the end #(idk if That makes sense ! guys my brain works weird) #also yeah. this one is a long one <3 i do call it an essay dont i #and idk how happy i am with this (i cant tell if it Seems positive but its supposed to be kinda) #it still feels much too story based for what i want but im okay enough with it that i will post it (im not Overly happy with it) #i dont think it needs any tags? just in case though #ask to tag #okay #i love you all & happy tdov #your body is your own and you are lovely

[talentforlying]

one of these days i'm going to write up all that i've changed from azzarello's bullshit era and the one (1) piece i've kept from milligan (and also changed) and the only thing currently stopping me is that it is going to be so, so inside-baseball incomprehensible. and i almost never want to go reading/screencapping azzarello and milligan to add references but i Want to add references.

canon is goop, just know that we continue to ride the bus down "hellblazer ended at #250 and looks like swiss cheese before that" street.

#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS. #i'm doing page maintenance before i fuck off to work rip it's got me thinking #anyway i think i said WAY back on this blog that a side goal of mine is to make hellblazer lore accessible to non-comic readers where i can #bc it's such a Heavy comic & i love it so much & i always felt Terrible recommending it to people only for them to be disgusted #and like. @ past me that particular goal is NOT as easy as you thought it would be lmao #esp because i have a habit of getting VERY detail-oriented when it comes to talking about hellblazer i think #but by GOD it's still a goal. i can put in some motherfucking references here and there when i talk about The Lore #like. azzarello's writing style never translates well for me in synopsis bc he Loves to put the audience in the outside perspective #where we are bystanders/with the rest of the bystanders to constantine's actions and not to his motivations/inner monologue #and i HATE that. hellblazer has ALWAYS been about what this guy has going on underneath the masked exterior #all the things you can't say out loud when you're queer and working class trying to survive in 70s-80s-90s england #but that you FEEL with your WHOLE fucking chest. how that feeling drives you to enjoy little rebellions wherever you can get them #(also azzarello just fucking Sucks LMAO but i'm talking style rn) #so i end up relying on frusin's art to tell the story a little more bc i think he understands the Theatre of constantine's public persona #and when that theatre is Absent then it's really REALLY noticeable. so frusin keeps me in it most of the time #and if i'm digging into frusin art then i'm Going to want to compare it to older panels bc i like body language consistency #milligan on the other hand has NOTHING to save his sorry ass bc his writing is drop-jaw fucking terrible AND the artist seems to like it #but the loss of john's thumb being tied to his mental health (ignoring the bullshit with shade) has always felt. important to me somehow id #anyway MUCH thinking about my favorite loser on this about-to-be-annoying day shdjksd he has been done so dirty #hellblazer brain go brrrr

[spearxwind]

This is gonna be such a weird post but id like to know if other people have this problem as well. Do any of you feel like... really misplaced uh. Embarrassment when looking at pictures of people on your phone? Especially people who you actually know, including yourself. Because i have this issue where i find it hard looking at pictures of both me and others (my friends and loved ones) if they are not """perfect""" looking (whatever that means to my brain) because im afraid of people eventually seeing them and judging them as less than perfect or pointing out imperfections etc.

Even knowing that no one but me will ever see said pictures i am haunted by the fear that since the pictures arent like. Idk, magazine cover worthy then people will find them cringe or embarrassing or god forbid ugly (and im a lover of ugly candid pictures too. I think they're the most charming). The way that some people judge a person and their appearance based on a single picture. So I struggle a lot showing pictures of my friends to my family for example out of this fear, and i really struggle to just take pictures of myself that arent from my one Brain Approved Angle(tm)

#i very much feel like this is an effect of both social media and dysphoria in a horrid combo #i don't really know what to do about it but its a terrible way to live #struggling to open pics of me and my loved ones on my camera roll and actually focusing on them #its like that same irrational fear of mind readers (that I honestly have sometimes) but instead its 'someone will judge these or would judge #these unfairly someday if they could see' #thunderclap #idk if this makes sense but man if its not terrible. #it really sucks bc the closer i am to someone the more this affects me #maybe its because my choice of company has been endlessly scrutinised my whole life as well as my own appearance #unrebloggable so it doesnt escape containment #also I promise this is not a jab at my loved ones appearance at all it is literally just Brain Gunk

[bravevolunteer]

michael's physical fate mirroring his emotional trauma is so perfectly engineered to make me fucking insane and that choice was not intentional at AAAALLLL

#love writing a character with barely any/absolutely terrible source material with the rawest fucking concepts and symbolic threads ever. #it doesn't make me lose my mind at all #michael who has his insides hollowed out who is LITERALLY piloted around like a puppet only to be abandoned a shell of who he once was. #doomed to live on as something awful to stay hidden in shadows to despise looking in the mirror the sheer dissociation and dissonance that #comes with it. it is such a good symbolic mirror to how grief trauma and abuse has effected him how he can't look in the mirror without #seeing william. FEELING used after being beckoned to the warehouse under the promise of doing good and being of use and maybe even approved #of or loved only to have the last shred of a possible life taken from him. whatever william Intended in bringing michael to SL can you #imagine how emotionally devastating grappling with it was on TOP of literally fucking rotting. no wonder he finally decided on revenge. #this has been ping ponging around my brain all day and i could just let it keep spiraling sorry #⁂ ･ﾟ: i was looking for a job‚ and then i found a job‚ and heaven knows i’m miserable now ➛ ooc

[sailforvalinor]

…well, turns out changing to a Jo pfp is fitting in more ways than one.

#yeah turns out I’m going to be having a Jo and Laurie on the Hill moment. hopefully not to such a dramatic degree but #I went out with The Boy yesterday and I was dreading it so much #and it was fine but then at the end he asked if we could make it official that we were dating #and I asked him to give me a little bit of time to think (which he was super sweet about he did literally nothing wrong) #but yeah I just came to the conclusion within ten seconds of leaving the restaurant that it wasn’t going to work. like I felt nothing when #he asked me that question. and I wanted this to work so bad! it makes so much sense on paper but I’m just not feeling it #and I talked to my dad about it and he said that because the part of the brain that processes emotions is not connected to the part that #processes language aren’t connected that people who are married struggle to put into words why they married their spouse #so if I can’t put into words why I don’t want to date this guy it’s perfectly valid #and I suppose he’s right I just feel terrible about it. like how often do you find a guy this courteous and genuinely good? and like I #think maybe part of what’s bothering me was that there was almost no romance to this. like never at any point did he tell me that he even #liked me. it was just ‘hey we’ve hung out a few times now should we say we’re dating?’ and I’m not trying to rag on him he’s probably just #shy but it rang a little like a business proposition to me #but ugh. now I have to call (because I’m not going to do it over text) and break this poor boy’s heart #it’s a really good thing I have the play and my novel to distract me otherwise I’d be a mess #anyway prayers would be appreciated

[keeps-ache]

if i could be any little creature on the earth i'd be one of those little robot-dog toys that kind of suck

#just me hi #i know they suck my sibling had one once and it was okay hfvsh #it could do backflips but it also banged its head into the floor every time it did so it was kind of painful to watch lolll #but besides the suckiness i just think they're neat :> #they can roll around and that is very cool to me #sometimes they play music but the speakers are horrible but they're trying so hard bhfs </33 #/anyway. i actually had a point to this but i forgot what it was #if i was a sucky robot-dog toy that costed 60 bucks with terrible wheels and worse speakers i think i'd go and travel the world #why travel the world? i don't know ! just makes sense to do something like that #i think the little things would like to travel the world :> they can't move very well and aren't taken to many rooms and their batteries di #quickly but i think despite (or maybe because) of that they'd roll around busy streets and explore spots that would be hidden by the usual #tourist #it's just a neat thought :) #//okay.. on my way now lol #i keep staying up to ungodly hours by accident and i feel so flat hfhvsh #stayed up til 5 on saturday bc i got caught up telling my siblings a story. stayed up til 4 last night doing the same exact thing fhhsv #i don't learn lol !! #but ye gonna see if i can get my sludge brain to work. as my brother says; toodledoo #//edit: also their hearts are in their batteries and every time you change them they love you more. okay Now bye fhvsbvhfvs

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#aye. in another life i would have loved to be an illustrator #i dont like to do digital tho and i dont wanna b a starving artist and i like science too much #but it would make me so hsppy if i was allowed to draw all day everyday #forever and ever drawing #but nooo i wanted to get a phd in microbial evolution. and im procrastinating working on my preproposal #literally doing anything to not work on it. i coulf have been a illustrator. an endocrinologist. a neurobiologist. a paleontologist. but i #chose microbial ecologist then thought no fuck ecology and went for photosynthetic mechanisms #bc i do love my lil cyanos and i do love Microbiology. i love those underapprecated lil guys #the world is so big and beautiful and all i wanna do is understand. but my stupid brain doesnt work right and ive burried my wonder for so #long i wonder if ill ever have it back. i was reading a bunch of lil notes i wrote this semester and i go from #everything is so beautiful i cant stand it. there are angels in the sunbeams and they feel like healing. to im the world around me is #warping beyond my control. i cant feel any joy. my head is sending me terrible ideas but im not even scared. it feels inevitable #but last week i was so full of energy i couldnt sleep. nothing changed but the chemicals in my head #hopefully next semester will b better and i can stop feeling like damaged goods and feel bad fro my advisor #for having to deal with me. hes v nice and has a bip0lar brother so he's sympathetic but i wish he didn't have to b #i want to stop fantasizing about being something else and just focus on being better at what i am #but im such a pathological perfectionist that its so difficult to make any progress. but whatever ive been feeling alright for the #past week or so. hopefully that carries through. and maybe somedsy i can illustrate something for my precious baby cyanobacteria #unrelated

[glitterock]

my ex: yes i am dating someone

also my ex: *stays on the phone with me for 6 hours* *spends 2 hours reading aloud my favorite book about femme lesbian identity and butch/femme love and sex while i fall asleep* *tells me they’re gonna come pick me up from sydney when i visit and will take me on a little road trip to spend time with me* *will still do literally anything i say*

#no because WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE BROTHER #also they were being so FUXKING terrible they just started t and kept flexing on camera and being like 😉 like please #please sir do not do this to ME RIGHT NOW #but they are literally dating someone so i want to basically jump off a cliff ! #they also called me a ‘good girl’???? on the phone ??? like QUIET SILENCE! #BE QUIET #like what is all this what do i MAKE OF THIS #BE STILL MY BEATING HEART I AM SO WHIPPED #BUT THIS IS SO PAINFUL ! #and then i kept being like ‘i hate (person you’re dating)’ #and they’re rre like ‘why! why do you not like any of my women!’ #LIKE WHY #DO #YOU #THINK??? #butches with no brain #all i am saying was if i was this poor girlie they’re dating and i knew all this i’d be like take me to the loony bin!!! #and i feel not bad about it tbh i’m sorry like i’m so in love with this person i don’t not give a single fuck about anyone else

[mariska]

me when i have to split up taking a shower into Everything Except Very Long Thick Hair On My Head and Only The Very Long Thick Hair On My Head because i've been in too much physical pain recently to shower anywhere near as often as i wish i could and it finally became too much for my sensory processing disorder to handle and i just happened to wake up way earlier than usual today so im like ok this is a perfect opportunity to have A Big Multi-Part Shower Day but also my family's house has a reoccurring problem with the hot/warm water turning cold faster than i can keep up with in the shower and taking a long time to re-heat afterwards. so i put my hair up in this headache-inducing bun to not get it wet for Shower 1 and grabbed one of the two bath robes i own and have been sitting here with an increasingly worse headache for like 2 and a half hours and it becomes time to take my afternoon adhd medication dose. so i do that. and then i remember i havent eaten anything today which is Not Ideal for getting back into the shower so i have two big m&m chocolate chip cookies cus it requires no cooking and is easy to eat but that makes my stomach kind of hurt cus of course i also have miserable chronic ibs and my stomach hates literally everything i can tolerate eating. and also my brain is mad at me cus the adhd medication followed by Immediate Cookie Consumption is Not Really Reacting Very Well Internally so i unintentionally made my physical problems worse instead of better and i look at the clock and im like ok its been almost 3 hours since i first got out of the shower im gonna turn the water on for like 30 seconds and see if its heated up enough yet for me to get this horrible 2nd Shower over with. so i turn it on. and the water gets freezing cold within 10 seconds of running

#man COME ON 😭 shouldn't have had the cookies. that was a Big Miss Steak on my end i will acknowledge that #my acid reflux is also joining the You Shouldnt Have Done That body reaction party now. so thats just like. so cool. dhsngshyssgdfbjsdjfjdjg #i dont even dislike showers!!!! thats the worst part about the big terrible shower days!!! i love showers!!!! #i just need our household shower to Love Me Back. and it has Despised Me For Years Like Its Holding A Grudge #also my head hurts. that sucks too i rly wish i could just. put my hair up and not have it feel like my brains gonna explode #that is unfortunately just. The Passage Of Time Making My 10+ Year Long Bad Daily Headaches hurt more. :(

[sonego]

yeah that was in fact a panic attack but i somehow made it home in one piece

#im now wondering whats even the point of being alive when i feel like this #sounds dramatic but #i feel so fucking bad these days and thw worst part is idek whats physical illness and whsts mental illness and what to f7cking do abt this #like i feelbthis might just be really really bad stress anxiety depr3esdion bpd like all of the bad shit in my brain #that makes me physically ill #but then agsin i have no fucking clue anymore #like ive never felt this physically bad bc of mental health strfgles and boy ive had really terrible times where i was suicidal all the time #but also that was beforw i like i guess became physicslly unwell?disabled? #so who the fuck knoww. i dont. i just know im genuinely bot sure ill survive this year if it keeps being like this #so theres that. sorry for being dramatic. i quite literslly just have been having the worst week of my life.and counting #delete later