#My dad brought up his vape thing and my sister tried it

[justaweirdoperson]

I’m not a mama’s girl

I’ve never been a mama’s girl, despite what everyone else might think. I’ve always been with her but we were never all that close. Mainly because we were so different. She was a perfectionist, always organized, almost cold, dismissive. I was a crybaby, I wasn’t organized and overly sensitive. Me and my dad are alike. He always said he was like me when he was younger. Anxious about every little thing. He also had panic attacks. A lot. Just like me. But he was never all that present when I was a kid. Not because he didn’t want to. He hated the fact he missed seeing us because of his job. We could go weeks without seeing him. But when he came back it was like he never left. Nowadays I feel like he sees himself in me. Stressed, sad, anxious. Maybe that’s why he was so disappointed when he found out I was vaping. Before he met my mother and had me, he used to smoke. He sees me walking the same path he did and that scares him. I live in my apartment on my own now because of college. When my parents come see me we always end up bickering. Especially with my mother. I just say something the “wrong” way or she doesn’t like my tone of voice, she starts pestering me about how I should be more respectful because they pay half of my rent. I know that. In my first week of starting college, I almost killed myself. I was so stressed. I cried every night. I called my best friend and she saved me. I’m better now. When my mom came to visit the week after that with my sister, I brought it up. I told her I almost killed myself the week before. She just sighed and asked me what was bothering me this time with an exasperated tone. She said that she also had a burnout and that she got through it anyway. I’m not having a burnout. I’m just tired to live. She asked me if I would really had the guts to do it, cutting open my wrists, because it hirt like hell. I told her I knew that. That’s why I took my two vapes at the same time before grabbing the cutters. My head was heavy and I couldn’t feel my body anymore. She then lectured me for 15 minutes. Or was it 20? I don’t know, I zoned out. My sister was there. I told her about my attempt the week I did it. She just sat there as my mother lectured me, awkwardly looking at her hands and her phone. When my mother was done lecturing me, she changed the subject. I desperately wanted to forget about it so I went along with it. We talked and laughed for the next hour or so and then they left. Like nothing happened. I’ve seen my dad since then but no one ever brought it up. I’m almost thankful for it but at the same time I hate it. My mental health was always a delicate subject for my parents. It feels like they’re walking on eggshells when we talk about it. Now when I cry, I either call my best friend so we can drive around and take my mind off of what’s bothering me or I cry in my bed, crying out for my dad. I cried this thursday at school. In my drawing class. I forgot about the homework and I felt targeted by the teacher. The class was silent so everyone could hear her. I hugged my sketch book close to me, hoping to calm myself down. I went back to my desk and tried to breathe. My day was already bad and it was getting worse. The teacher came back and sat beside me and showed me what I did wrong. Tears escaped from my eyes and went down my face. I tried to wipe them away but they kept coming back. The teacher whisper to me, asking if I wanted to step out really quick. I said no. I was just going to draw more attention to myself. The break was a saving grace for me. I speedwalked to the bathroom and cried silently, hyperventilating. I texted my best friend but she was in her class. I calmed down a bit, fixed my makeup so it wouldn’t show too much that I cried and went back to class. That teacher reached out to me through messages, asked me if I was ok and if I needed to talk. I said I was fine and that my anxiety was high that day and that if I needed to talk I would reach out to her. I cried reading her message. I didn’t think she would worry that much. So no, I’m not a mama’s girl. I’m a daddy’s girl.

#vent #tw vent #vent post #parent issues

[shima-draws]

Literally just found out that my dad smokes pot which honestly shouldn’t have been a surprise since I smell it in the basement sometimes but like. He’s been doing this ever since we moved out to Colorado and he’s been doing this for NINE YEARS I feel like such a dumbass LMAOOOOO

#IT'S NOT A BAD THING OR ANYTHING LIKE #Most people out here smoke pot to help them sleep/wind down/relax or whatever #GRANTED MY MOM WANTED TO KEEP IT A SECRET FOR SOME STRANGE. BIZARRE REASON #I LITERALLY DO NOT CARE I JUST THINK IT'S HILARIOUS IT TOOK T H I S LONG #I was always like. It smells like pot down here. But it must be something else. BUT IT WASN'T FNAKJDMASLDMAKBS #Shima speaks #Drugs tw #My dad is a super chill guy. #He told my sister and I about the first time he got high and it was the FUNNIEST fucking thing #We were wheezing for ten minutes #My mom told me she got high with him once too and like. Did not expect that from her LMAO #Well neither of us can get high now anyway since we work at the same place and they do random drug tests #BUT YEAH. TONIGHT HAS BEEN WILD #My dad brought up his vape thing and my sister tried it #I am not about that life but I respect them for having the balls to get high LOL I do not want to attempt that anytime soon

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Savannah

Jac: Cannot stop thinking about that one dress in that last boutique we checked out though... Jac: so lowkey mad at Isabelle for having to go home to walk her dog 🙄😩 Savannah: UGH I know! Don't get me started yet again on how her mum is literally never there to do anything for it & they don't even have a garden Savannah: I'll go back & get it for you, she can't stop me Savannah: I have less than zero reasons to hurry home Jac: Lowkey like, who do I call again? 😬 Jac: the poor thing, as if breathing wasn't issue enough without having to contend with getting overweight and her mum's vape habit Jac: You're so pure 🥺🥺 Jac: and I'm personally not over seeing you in that one shade of pink like ??? Jac: 👼🏾 walking Savannah: ^^^  the levels of cruelty make my heart hurt, honestly 😢 but I won't get to Heaven until I convince them to see the error of their ways & that is a battle I simply do not have the energy for today Savannah: you could literally wear that AWFUL dress that Isabelle was considering- thank god we talked her out of that much! 🙌🏾- & still look like an actual goddess Jac: Seriously, I don't know how they can live with themselves Jac: that would be their business, because I'm not as caring as you, or even close, but the fact it hurts you means it's mine too 😤 Jac: actually though, would have had to pretend to not know her, oh my God Jac: not to mention how short it was, as well as just hideous...like this is a SCHOOL event, girl, I... 🤦 Jac: it does mean we're scheduled to help her keep looking though Jac: which is becoming a trial, like I'm so sorry to say but wow Savannah: I likewise don't have the necessary reserves to try and teach her the difference between positive & negative attention Savannah: Can Amelia not help her look? I highly doubt her wardrobe is fully stocked with suitable school event dresses so surely she still needs to keep looking too? Jac: That's a whole conversation her mother should be having with her but also needs Jac: sad, really Jac: Poor, poor Is Jac: Meels is a committed outfit repeater, no matter the occasion Savannah: She can't wear jeans to this though Jac: 🙄 I've also tried on that subject Jac: it'll just become a whole THING Jac: us trying to sort both of them out and getting nowhere with our own looks Savannah: 😔 I'm exhausted by their indecision, it's taking the excitement out of it Savannah: I understand that they can't and don't feel themselves in just anything, but it's getting ridiculous Jac: ^^ Totally agree Jac: although us being on the same page is not anything like a surprise these days Jac: it's so unfair, really Jac: they're not even THAT bothered about the whole thing Jac: we've put effort in before this whole step even Savannah: I knew you'd understand, despite feeling like I'm the one who is being totally unfair by saying anything, the rational part of my mind which isn't on the verge of tears as a result of Is' complaints or Amelia's apathy is like no, Savannah, you're not wrong Savannah: it does matter to us & it's allowed to be viewed as important Savannah: not to mention enjoyable, god forbid Jac: You NEVER need to doubt yourself Jac: you're a complete empath, honestly, to your own detriment Jac: but that isn't your fault and people should try to give even a fraction of what you give them back Jac: so, for your wellbeing, I'm calling a time-out on this and them Jac: you've got to focus on you for once ❤ Savannah: I can't tell you how wholeheartedly I wish I was the person you think I am, Ty & I had a HUGE fight earlier & I've been plagued by self doubt ever since Jac: Oh no, okay, what was said? Savannah: He seemed to think that we had plans today, which is not a conversation I remember us having, so of course I wasn't going to cancel on you all Savannah: & that makes me the most thoughtless girlfriend he's ever had Savannah: I'm so sorry the girl you dated for like two weeks dropped everything without a second thought if you even hinted that you wanted her too because she didn't have a life Savannah: they broke up for that exact reason Jac: He's totally got the wrong day Jac: you don't double-book Jac: not dragging him, he's clearly just so busy with his own stuff too but yeah, no way Jac: he'll work it out and owe you a great apology Savannah: it was beyond upsetting, I swear I need a mental health break from everyone but you Jac: I get it Jac: no boy drama but my family are driving me INSANE right now Jac: I vote we go test 💅 colours and get a hand massage to boot Savannah: Can we? I don't want to be responsible for causing you more family drama Jac: Ugh, no, they're fine Jac: and you're more important than any of this drama, Is and Amelia's too Savannah: ^^ I don't care how hard Ty is sulking, I'm not going to leave you to cope with them on your own Savannah: you needed my help first Jac: Like, he can't put that on you Savannah: he's never spoken to me that way before & I have no idea where it came from Jac: Is he under a lot of pressure right now, on the team? Jac: or at home, school Jac: either way, the issue is not with you, and he probably knows that already Savannah: No, everything's going really well Jac: 🤔 Savannah: It's me, it has to be Jac: You've not done what he's saying you have Jac: accusing would be too strong a word but Jac: we'll work it out but I'm totally clueless right now Savannah: me too 😢 Jac: Lowkey mad at him now Savannah: I shouldn't have even said anything, I told myself that I wasn't going to Savannah: but then Isabelle & Amelia started sulking too & it brought it all back Jac: No, I want to be there for you Jac: and make you feel better Jac: which I definitely will Jac: but I just can't explain away why he's being like this 🥺😢 Jac: and I wish I could Savannah: You'll definitely make me cry, you're the best Savannah: he was acting as though I don't make time for him, which is not true, but if it were, the reason would be that nobody deserves as much of it as you Jac: making you cry doesn't sound like something the best would do Jac: you've got to have your own lives, own friends Jac: you do NOT wanna be THAT couple Savannah: if you don't want my tears because I couldn't be happier to have found the love of my life, I'll keep them in, since they are yours, it's totally fine Savannah: yes, exactly & he knows that, he has more friends than extra-curriculars & he has as many of those as I do Savannah: it doesn't make any sense Jac: I will treasure them Jac: and make sure they never, ever spill for anything less than the happiest of moments, because that is all you deserve Jac: I could talk to him...totally on the low and in the most well-intentioned way Jac: maybe it's something he doesn't want to burden you with? but he has accidentally burdened you with this doubt and worry instead Savannah: 🥰🤗 Savannah: you'd do that? Jac: Of course! Jac: You're my soul sister, so I hope Ty at least considers me a friend too at this point Jac: he's going to have to get used to having me around 😅 Savannah: if he doesn't we have a bigger problem than I thought because I love you so much Savannah: & I will run away with you if anyone ever tries to make me choose 😄 Jac: He's smart, he's not gonna do that Jac: though honestly, I could do with the break right now, would not say no Savannah: maybe we could have one, it's essentially my right as a child of a broken home to play my parents off against each other Savannah: & if my dad is foolish enough to believe he can buy back any of my love or respect after what he's done, why should I feel bad for treating him like one Savannah: I refuse to, I do need to focus on myself Jac: In terms of making-up-to-do, he's in the lead no question, or so far behind everyone else, looking at it that way Jac: I think it would be the most appropriate way to end transition year Jac: God knows if my parents would go for it 🙄 Savannah: I'll talk to them, I've never lost a debate so far & I couldn't be any more well intentioned, my heart is in the exact right place Jac: 👼🏾🥰 Jac: next year is when everything gets REAL Jac: we need the holiday we are NOT going to get until...I don't even want to think about the next time we'll be able to take a real break after this Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: whatever I have to do to make it happen & be perfect, so be it Jac: the salon is the EXACT right place to plan all this Jac: all the inane questions they ask about your holidays will actually be useful for once 🤭 Savannah: 😄 Jac: This is like, just a you and me thing, right? Savannah: of course Jac: Okay because helping Isabelle pick bikinis is the opposite of fun 😂 Savannah: oh my god, I don't even want to imagine Jac: if the dress breakdowns aren't bad enough Jac: we'd be so stressed we'd be put on the no-fly list, honestly Savannah: Amelia would probably throw my body into the sea, weighted down by rocks or Isabelle's dog, I swear she hates me Jac: How could anyone hate you? Jac: and she's friends with me, so her taste can't be THAT off Savannah: we won't mention that she's also friends with Is Savannah: any excuse to talk about how perfect you are instead Jac: I seriously think if we wouldn't, who would 😶 Jac: you'll make me 😳 Savannah: OH! The tans we'll both get Savannah: you'll be sightseeing & I'll just be staring at you in disbelief because you somehow got even more beautiful Jac: Oh please Jac: you're so stunning they'd be running to write new laws just to make it illegal how good you look Savannah: stop, nobody can see me 😳 but I still feel it Savannah: it should be illegal how you make me feel Jac: sorry, but a world where you don't know and aren't told how perfect you are is just not one I wanna live in 💁 Savannah: I don't deserve you, all I've done today is mope & wish your friends away so that I can have you all to myself Jac: We deserve each other Jac: if I didn't have you, who would I be able to get excited about this with? Jac: I'd be going on my own, most likely Savannah: okay, you're right Jac: I just get sad thinking about all the time we weren't friends and didn't know each other properly before Savannah: No, don't be sad, baby, we trust in the universe because it was meant to be now not then Savannah: lord knows I needed my glow up before I could be around you Savannah: 👼🏻✨🌞💛 Jac: That's true Jac: I'm more thankful that we have NOW and the promise of forever than I could ever be sad Jac: definitely not ignoring how blessed I am Jac: also blessed that my hair grew back in and I lost the puppy fat look 😬🤦 Savannah: I stand by what I said when I first saw the pictures Savannah: you were ADORABLE Jac: you're too sweet but I'm not gonna complain about it 🥰 Savannah: It's true & you know that because I would never jeopardise our connection Savannah: you're the only person I can talk to with total honesty, it's so important to me Jac: I only feel like myself with you Jac: no one else gets it all Savannah: I feel like a better person when I'm with you Savannah: but with none of the pressure that my parents put on me not to fail or the fear I have of letting Ty down Jac: You're the best person Jac: if all I do is give you the confidence to believe that, then that's totally worth it Savannah: You're going to achieve everything you want Jac: I can't wait to be Dr Taylor to your Dr Moore Savannah: 😊 Savannah: I'll be there to make sure every second of your life is worth it until then & of course after Jac: Naturally ❤ Jac: have you seen the groupchat? Savannah: please don't judge me for not having opened it Jac: I couldn't even when I'm just sat here like 🤨😑 Jac: Is has sent a million links and they seem to be getting worse every one I open ??? Savannah: Well I can't face that until later when I'm 🛀🏾🥂 Savannah: not that I'll be staying at Ty's unless he apologises to me Jac: You can always stay with me Savannah: I don't think any of your family would be fine about the always, but I wish I could Jac: They'll deal, I have to put up with all of them so 💁 Jac: I'm trying to persuade them to move the sofa bed from the hangout area to the music room, make it more of a spare room too, more privacy Jac: it's not fair that Jesse has a whole room with all his crap in, there's plenty of space in said hangout room for him Savannah: 😄 I'm sure we could win that debate too, I definitely have as much passion about the subject as you if it means I don't have to go home Savannah: it's impossible to 🛀🏾🥂 when my mum is mid-breakdown in her en-suite Jac: 😬😥 Jac: she needs to convert the passion she had for couples therapy for solo therapy now Savannah: Honestly! It's a full time job making sure she's adequately but not over medicated & if I'm worrying about it I know Sienna is Savannah: I have to unlock the door to let her in & before I know it I'm re-doing her braids or checking her homework, all the while my bath water is going cold Jac: You're actually such a good sister, and daughter Jac: In awe of you Jac: I wish you didn't have to work as hard as you do, but it's really admirable Savannah: like, so sorry that you had to go home to walk your dog, Isabelle 🙄 it's no wonder she doesn't understand me Jac: She doesn't even try Jac: she lives on planet Is where the most important thing is which bland boy she's going to get off with next Jac: I can't claim so many of your experiences and struggles but I respect the hell out of you, and try to make your life easier where and when I can Savannah: oh my god, the boy from the other night! I can't Jac: 🤢 Jac: her taste! Jac: worrying Jac: ugly dresses are the least of her problems Jac: I feel like I can't leave her alone sometimes, honestly Savannah: if this thing with Ty is leading to a break up I refuse to date any of the boys in our school Savannah: that would be another full time job working out which of them have & haven't done what with her & when Jac: tell me about it 🙄 Jac: they're all so lacklustre Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: we know our worth & we're simply too good for any of them unless they have a serious emotional glow up of their own Jac: Mhmm Jac: Ty is never gonna break up with you though Savannah: I don't know anymore, I never thought he would raise his voice to me Jac: That's pretty out of order Jac: he knows about your dad, what he's like Savannah: & it's really out of character too Jac: Yeah, totally Jac: men and anger issues are a whole can of worms Jac: there's something he isn't dealing with, for sure Savannah: or something he's not telling me Savannah: I just hope it's not a someone Jac: who could even come close to you? Jac: he's not that cliche of having the perfect girl and risking it on some skank Savannah: Logically I know that but I'm so scared Jac: Babe 🥺 Jac: you NEED to put you first, even just for the length of this nail appointment Jac: you don't need this extra stress from him Jac: I've started the convo, you can read it all once we get to the meat of it Savannah: I just want to be excited about 💅🏾 & all the iconic outfits we saw Savannah: it's SO unfair Jac: I hate this Jac: I wish I could take you away right now Savannah: you do, I'd be even more a wreck if you weren't the amazingly intuitive person you are, earlier without even having to be told I was upset you made me feel better over and over again Savannah: and right now you know what I need, way before I can put it into words or coherent thoughts Jac: we trust the connection too 💫💐💞 Savannah: I love you Savannah: I'm not devoting time & space to anyone else today, from this point on Jac: and we're definitely getting lunch after, my treat Savannah: no, mine Savannah: you've already been taking such good care of me Jac: Okay, but we will be going [place] and I will be getting you your favourite dessert Jac: no arguments 😘 Savannah: Okay, I won't fight you on it Jac: there are so many more important, and fun, decisions for us to make Savannah: ^^^!! Savannah: is Is still trying to force you to make outfit decisions for her though? Jac: I've said we've got more pressing matters right now Jac: I've made it sound like a me issue though, don't worry Jac: they'll have to cope without us for a while Savannah: Thank you, I can't cope with their relationship advice at the best of times Jac: Yeah, there's less than zero chance they'd have anything useful to say so Jac: they don't need to know Savannah: We won't tell them about the holiday plans either, that way you'll have a nice secret to keep as well as my stupid boyfriend drama Jac: to secrets 🥂 Savannah: 🥂 Savannah: Are you still thinking about that dress or have I ruined everything? Jac: You could never ruin anything with me Jac: so yes Jac: but I'm also remembering that other shop we didn't even get a chance to check out Savannah: their window display is INCREDIBLE ✨ Savannah: we should go Jac: I KNOW Jac: I've been window shopping every time I go past Jac: and to be fair, I think it's a bit out of Isabelle's price range, so it actually wouldn't be nice to take her there Savannah: the universe has spoken, I'm taking you there, our secret Jac: 🥰 Jac: I swear I only have fun when I'm with you Savannah: you're so much fun that nobody considers you might not be having any, but I promise I'll always think about you & what you need Jac: You'll make me cry now Savannah: Baby, no 🥺 if you start you'll set me off again Savannah: I'm a really ugly crier & you look like an 👼🏻 Jac: Okay, okay, no crying Jac: we'll stay flawless Savannah: that's harder work for me than it could ever be for you, but I'll do my best Jac: You're the most perfect person I've ever known Jac: inside and out Savannah: I feel that way about you, I'm not just saying it like, oh sure, me too Savannah: you're so perfect I should hate you Jac: Yeah, I know Jac: sorta been there done that Jac: not that I ever hated you really Savannah: I couldn't Jac: No, in the way how perfect you are SHOULD be impossible, that's how hating you felt Savannah: that's it exactly Savannah: & I just wanted you to notice me, I'd wait all day sometimes, getting more extra about everything Jac: It was like, I should've been mad at you but I could only ever be impressed Savannah: Well, I can't lie, I'm glad because I've never worked that hard for anyone before Savannah: it'd be super awkward if I failed Jac: 😅 Jac: I'm flattered Jac: how many boys wish, like Savannah: of course, but boys are easy Jac: duh, if you need to try then you've got bigger problems Savannah: I don't understand what Amelia's is, a smile & a hair flip & she could be dating anyone in our year Jac: Yeah, me either Jac: maybe she's had the same 💭 about Isabelle's seconds Savannah: 😄 Savannah: at this point I'm seriously expecting her to come out as asexual Jac: 🤔 maybe you're onto something Savannah: I do have good instincts for these things Jac: True Savannah: one of Sienna's friends is & nobody's been anything but really supportive about it Savannah: her year group are so sweet though Savannah: I was not like that a year ago Jac: Awh Jac: yeah, she knows we'd all support her Jac: and no one is going to say anything to her Jac: no one with half a brain cell anyway Savannah: & even if things were said it'd be no worse than what they say about her now Jac: Facts Jac: I don't know if she 1. genuinely doesn't hear 2. pretends not to or 3. seriously doesn't care Savannah: & you know her better than anyone so if you aren't sure she probably isn't either Jac: 😕 Jac: if she gave any indication, I'd do everything to help her Savannah: I know you would Savannah: I'm honestly so jealous of how close you two are & have been for like, ever Jac: but we're just as close now Savannah: I can't help but envy all the shared history you have though, all the pictures & stories that I'm obviously left out of Savannah: I shouldn't think like that, I know Savannah: but sometimes it does get to me, even though I try & be a better person than that Jac: We're going to make so many memories together though Jac: from now 'til forever Savannah: of course we are Savannah: it's no wonder he also accused me of being over sensitive, that one is very clearly true Jac: people just say that when they don't want to make allowances for other people's inconvenient feelings Jac: you can feel that, and I feel it too Jac: I wish you had been there Savannah: it just feels like she brings up all these past anecdotes as often as she does to try & leave me out Savannah: but maybe she doesn't realise how much it hurts me Jac: I'm sure she doesn't, but I'll make extra effort to clock it and get her to chill now Jac: we don't need to dwell on the past, especially at our age 🙄 Savannah: I don't want to cause friction, I can totally understand her wanting to reminisce, if we'd known each other then, I'd be the same Savannah: I talk & think about you literally all the time as it is Jac: Not even Jac: I don't want you feeling left out, or anyone Savannah: you would never Jac: you're so important to me Savannah: you've always let me know that Jac: 🥰 Savannah: I don't know how I would cope with anything that's going on in my life right now without you Savannah: I didn't even realise how badly I needed someone to talk to Jac: You look after everyone, you need someone to look after you Savannah: I can't rely on anyone to do that though Jac: me 🙋 Savannah: you can't leave me ever, I swear I'll go crazier than my mother Jac: I never will Jac: I promise Savannah: okay, I'm yours to look after then Jac: I can cope with that 😄 Savannah: you've definitely handled me at my worst, I haven't forgotten my bathroom breakdown, trust me Savannah: the embarrassment will last forever Jac: it so easily could have been me Jac: and maybe I wouldn't have had the courage to ever reach out if not, frame it like that Savannah: No, I hate that Jac: Okay, but no embarrassment either Jac: because you're the strongest person I know, and nothing I've learnt about you has changed that opinion Savannah: Well, I think you're the bravest & I fully believe you'll always find the courage to do whatever you want Jac: 🤞 Jac: I've got a lot of things I want and intend to do Savannah: 👏🏾 Yes girl! Savannah: I can't wait for transition year to be over Jac: Ugh, I know Jac: on the one hand, LOVE the extra opportunities and learning experiences they simply do not bother with the rest of the time Jac: but the other half is having to do lessons I have NO intention of carrying on with, which is just, pointless Savannah: ^^^^^^^^^ Savannah: my auntie was complaining at me as if it was OPTIONAL & I CHOSE it, excuse me Jac: Ha! 🙄 Jac: we all know it's meant to be in theory Jac: but if you don't go to a school with a high teacher to child ratio, with the budget and time to care about tailoring the learning experience to each child...then you're gonna have to do it with the rest, like it or lump it Savannah: She's a product of the American school system, there is zero place for her criticism Jac: and I- 😶 Jac: even our worst school would be preferable I'm sorry 😂 Savannah: Right?! Jac: Compared to the English and American systems, except maybe the super-elite English ones, I feel like we're still going to be at an advantage when we go to Uni Savannah: Agreed Savannah: even this year we've totally made the most of so far Jac: You've got to Jac: or you'll end up with a mediocre life and what is the point in even living Savannah: Ugh, exactly Savannah: I can already tell who is going to end up living like that Jac: I know right Jac: like, sorry to break it to you, but they're called FORMATIVE years for a reason Savannah: mhmmmm Jac: you can still have fun without ruining your life and future Jac: you just have to work hard too and some people are simply too lazy 💁 Savannah: ^^ we manage to have it all Savannah: I'm not sorry if they don't want it enough to secure it for themselves Jac: Exactly Jac: can't be sorry for you if you chose to act that way Jac: maybe some of them will turn it around years down the line but it'll be so much harder than if they'd put the work in when they were meant to Savannah: It breaks my heart that everybody doesn't have you to guide & hype them Jac: Only you deserve me though, that's the truth of it Savannah: I'm willing to work at that for the rest of my life too so Jac: 🥺 Jac: Ugh, I just love you Jac: you've really solidified all my life choices, if that makes sense Jac: like I know now everything I want is exactly what I need too Savannah: It makes perfect sense & I feel it too Jac: Thank God you do Savannah: My family are always pushing me to go to Trinity, they don't understand at all Jac: like, yeah, it's a good Uni, but we've done Dublin Jac: it's also the point of Uni to expand your horizons, put roots down somewhere else Jac: your hometown and Uni town are NOT meant to be the same Savannah: ^^ thank you Savannah: Sienna is the only one whose opinion is valid because I will be leaving her here alone for a year before she can go wherever she decides to & she'll actually miss me Savannah: my parents just want to control me Jac: Right, you aren't being selfish about it Jac: it's because you're too useful to them, like you said, looking after Sienna and your mum Jac: but those are actually both jobs your dad took on when he got married and made a family so Jac: he still has to deal with them Savannah: He gets to literally walk out but god forbid I take the next step in my life Jac: Right, he has to realize you are not a surrogate carer Jac: and that sorting those things out will always be his responsibility Savannah: He takes no responsibility for abandoning us never mind the fact that he spent years emotionally destroying my mum & then walking out when he didn't like who she became Jac: He's going to have to face his blame one day Jac: if nothing else, he does love you and Sienna, he wouldn't let anything really bad happen to you two Savannah: I don't feel loved, I feel like he decided none of us were good enough Savannah: maybe I'm too much like her for him to handle too Jac: I hate that he's made you feel like that Jac: but if anything, that shows failure on his part, not yours Jac: you're brilliant and loving and you're still there, even though it's so much for you to handle Jac: you don't need him, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be held accountable right now, and that it's shit that he isn't stepping up Savannah: I hate him & I can't stand that he's made me carry hate in my heart when that isn't who I want to be Jac: Oh, Sav Jac: you wouldn't hold negative feelings towards him if he wasn't giving you that energy first Jac: you're never a doormat, again, it shows you're strong Savannah: Don't let me be with Ty, okay? Jac: Promise Savannah: Throw my phone into the 🛀🏾 if you have to, I'll forgive you Jac: 😅 I've got it in writing Savannah: 😄 Jac: would never drop it in 🥂 Jac: such a waste Savannah: Lord no, I need the full 🍾 Jac: 🙌 I can get behind that Jac: it's been a DAY Savannah: it had it's genuine 🙌🏾 moments nevertheless, because of & featuring you Savannah: I've looked at the pictures so many times, I CANNOT believe you really look like that Jac: 😳 says you Savannah: yes & I'm going to keep saying it until it sinks in for both of us that you're the most beautiful person that has ever existed because I'm hoping that if it does for me, at least, whatever dress you choose won't take my breath away as soon as I see you in it Savannah: otherwise you'll be trying to twirl but also having to catch me as I legitimately faint Jac: you'll have to not kill me before then or I won't be any use to anyone Jac: just a blushy mess on the floor Savannah: that isn't fair, on the one hand, you can't die, I need you, but on the other that sounds ADORABLE Jac: it's unfair how much of an 👼🏾 you are to me but I don't wanna share so Savannah: pink is one of my favourite colours, you know this & you wear it so well 🌺😳🌷 Jac: I'll wear it for you Jac: even if I don't go for that dress Jac: I wonder if we can get corsages or is that too extra 🤔 Savannah: I'll get that dress if it makes you happy, I'll wear anything you want me to, including a corsage Savannah: there is no such thing as too extra when you're talking about 🌷 🌹 🌺 🌸 🌼 🌻 Jac: my sentiments exactly 😄😄 Jac: I don't think Amelia will wear one Jac: but we can get them Jac: we can get our birth flowers and favourites and it'll be so cute Savannah: It should be an us thing, the holiday is so far away Jac: ^^ and it's more our vibe Jac: doesn't go with a short dress or jeans, really Savannah: 😄 Jac: I've got some books I need to return to the library, do you wanna meet at that little coffee place by there? Savannah: how many books? If you need help carrying them all I'll meet you at the library Jac: love the romcom fantasy 😅 Jac: you know me, there's a few... 😬 Savannah: 😊 I'll be right there, baby Savannah: no more struggles today Jac: ❤❤✨ Savannah: 🥰

[girlslikeguyswhosmoke]

The Story Behind the Memes

I recently posted a meme featuring a father and son having a smoke together, and how I remember a time when the first time a boy lights up in front of his parents is a traditional rite of passage. I posted another shortly before that, in which a 12-year-old lights up for the first time and later becomes an adult smoker worthy of acceptance and respect from a significant other who chooses to be with said smoker.

There is actually a true story behind both memes that I wanted to share.

Our family had Texas roots and we ended up in Southern New Mexico. Deeply religious, my parents instilled southern Baptist values and in many ways, we were like a family straight out of the 50s: Dad worked in the oil business, Mom stayed at home and took care of me and my brother. And then as soon as I grew boobs, I became a babysitter to a brat. Dad smoked at least two packs a day. Back then, you could smoke in restaurants, at work, pretty much anywhere you wanted. Mom never touched a cigarette in her life. And that passed down to me. We went to church every Sunday morning and Wednesday evening. And traditional roles were forced upon us. Though I am no longer a church-goer (I remain a loose believer), those old tapes still play in my head and I still tend to live by that script I was raised with.

I have always kind of had a love-hate relationship with my brother. I mean, he’s my little brother. I love him dearly, and always have. But let’s just say I was the product of the whiskey bottle on a Saturday night that later forced my parents to get married. Jesse (not his real name) was the planned child. Knowing this has always caused me some level of resentment.

Our family went on a summer camping trip when I was 17. It was the summer before my senior year and my dad took the family to our favorite spot in the mountains. Mom and Dad assumed it would be one of the last times we would be able to do this as a complete family.

I didn’t even really want to go. I wanted to spend the weekend at home, by myself, for some peace and quiet while Mom, Dad, and Jesse went off to the lake. But Mom insisted and I gave in.

And things went just as I figured they would. Dad took Jesse fishing on the lake, while me and Mom sat at the campsite, reading books and listening to what is today considered “classic country” on a transistor radio. Conway Twitty, God rest your soul. I would have had a more enjoyable time in the triple digit heat in Roswell. At least there, I could go to Sonic and have ice cream with my girlfriends. But I digress.

Dad and Jesse came back with an ice chest full of fish. That would be dinner that evening. I decided to help the two of them clean fish. I’m a country girl. I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty. We ate dinner shortly after that, and then it was time to start the campfire. Dad wanted to take Jesse for a hike, but Jesse insisted that he go alone. This caused a little bit of a squabble, as Mom thought it would get too dark for a 12-year-old to be wandering around the woods by himself. I offered to take Jesse to go find fire wood. That settled the argument.

So Jesse and I set out into the woods in search of fire wood. I picked out a few pieces that I thought would be good for the fire, but Jesse insisted they were too wet. After a short disagreement, I deferred to the Boy Scout and we continued through the woods.

Suddenly, he stopped and pulled something out of his pocket. It was a crushed Marlboro pack with a single cigarette inside. I assumed he stole it from Dad.

I was shocked, but then I wasn’t.

“Jesse,” I sighed. “We’re smoking now?”

He looked back at me with that defiant brat face I was so used to as he put the half-crushed Marlboro Red to his lips.

“What?” he said. “Most of your friends smoke, what’s the big fucking deal?”

I wasn’t going to argue.

“Fine,” I said. “Just finish that before Mom and Dad smell it on you.”

I watched my 12-year-old brother light up and take that first puff. I will confess that, despite my affection for guys who smoke, I was in no way amused. I figured he would inevitably end up as a smoker, just like the majority of the guys I hung with. And of course, they all started around 12 or 13, some even younger. But this was my little brother. The kid I was responsible for. I was not happy in the least.

The sun had set by now and it was growing darker. Jesse continued to smoke his cigarette. I asked him if that was his first. He said no, but that it was his first pack. He said he went to the local Allsup’s to buy it. He made me promise him that I wouldn’t tell Mom and Dad, or tell anyone where he got it. It was still technically illegal to sell cigarettes to minors, but nobody really got in trouble unless some angry parent went and complained.

We heard footsteps and a moment later, there was Dad staring right at us.

Jesse was busted.

Dad, himself holding a cigarette, told Jesse to put that thing out and get back to the campsite immediately.

There were no more words said. Mom, Dad, Jesse, and I packed up camp and went home. That was the perfect end to our family weekend.

When we got home, Jesse got the whooping of his life. My parents never spared the rod. When we got in trouble, we got what was coming to us. It didn’t matter that Dad smoked. There was no way his 12-year-old son was going to take up the habit in his presence.

As you can imagine, that was the beginning of my brother’s smoking habit, not in any way the end of it. Jesse smoked at school with his friends. Mom and Dad came to accept this, even if not formally. But there were rules laid down: no smoking anywhere around them, no smoking in the house, and he had to support his own habit. It was kind of a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” thing. Dad knew he couldn’t ground Jesse for having the same addiction he had. But being the responsible parent, he wasn’t going to support and sanction underage smoking either. It worked, because Jesse never felt comfortable smoking in front of Mom and Dad anyway.

Eventually, the Allsup’s that sold him that first pack began cracking down. Being underage, he found it more difficult to find a store that would sell him cigarettes. And that’s where his big sister came in. Yours, truly.

Jesse’s 18th birthday happened the day he got accepted into military school. Over dinner, Mom, Dad, and Grandma all doted over Jesse and how proud they were of him. That didn’t extend to their 23-year-old daughter who still lived at home, but never mind that. He had aspirations to join the Air Force and he was on the fast track to being the family golden boy.

We cleaned up after dinner and Dad turned to Jesse and said the unthinkable:

“Jesse, let’s go out and have a smoke.”

Mom and Grandma had no reaction, as I’m sure they saw this day coming. But Jesse and I were both shocked and blown away.

Dad pulled two cigarettes out of his pack. He put one to his mouth and offered the other to Jesse.

“Are you coming?” Dad pressed.

Jesse took the cigarette from Dad and the two went out to the front porch. Being the smoke fetisher that I am, I wanted to witness this moment from the window of the living room. But I wanted to do so in a way that I couldn’t be noticed. I watched through the thin white curtain.

I watched as Dad lit up and then handed Jesse his lighter. Jesse wasted no time lighting up right in front of Dad, as if Dad was just another high school buddy. Jesse then handed Dad his lighter back. The two talked as they smoke exhaled from their mouths. I heard things mentioned about being a man, raising a family, moving away from home.

My brother was taking puffs from his cigarette and exhaling right in our dad’s face. Dad puffed and exhaled in Jesse’s direction. This was an amazing father-son bonding moment.  After a few minutes of watching them smoke together, Dad finished his cigarette and I knew Jesse wasn’t far behind. I grabbed my book, sat down on the sofa, and pretended I didn’t see anything.

Moments later, Dad and Jesse came through the front door, both reeking of cigarette smoke.

Jesse went to military school, but never enlisted in the Air Force. Instead, he ended up working the oil fields, just like his old man. It’s been 20 years and he’s still a smoker.

Recently, he dated a woman who highly encouraged him to quit, saying she wants to someday marry a man she can grow old with. He brought her to dinner last Christmas and I really did like her. 

And Jesse did make an honest attempt to quit, using vaping as a substitute. But smoking is an addiction, one he has had since age 12. And the truth is he much prefers it analog. He tried to make his girlfriend understand that, but they ended up going their separate ways. The smoking was one of several reasons, to be fair.

I don’t live at home anymore, and I’ve yet to find that man who reminds me of my daddy. A man who comes home with the smell of sweat and smoke that lingers as he sits down to dinner. The man who needs one as soon as he’s finished eating, when we’re cuddling and watching TV, and when we’re in the bedroom. A guy who lights up first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Couple all that with a man with good morals and old-fashioned values, who knows how to treat a woman, and who will make a good role model for his son. It’s a hard thing to find these days.

[ecotone99]

[MS] The Ground Was Wet (Chapter 1 of a story I'm writing) - Details in Comments

​

It was ten years since my sister went missing, I still remember the day. I came home from school thinking she was there, maybe she went home early sick or something, I told myself. Checking each room of our house, I started to get a bit worried – not enough to start signalling any alarm bells, though. It was a warm afternoon in May, my sister was fourteen and I was twelve. We got along as well as any siblings did: a superficial hatred for one another, but a mutual love and understanding that we would always be the ones who the other could go to when the going got tough. And it got tough a lot.

When our parents would come home from work, pissed off because they felt they didn’t get the respect they deserved in their jobs, that would come out on us. But our parents weren’t hateful people, in fact, they were loving. Their biggest flaw, however, was that they raced into having a family without becoming people in their own right. They were high-school sweethearts, if there ever was such a thing; they got engaged on their prom night and married two years after. They had my sister after that, and then me two years later. Before having me, my mother’s dad passed away, and then soon after that so did my dad’s.

My sister and I were the bread of a dead father sandwich.

I checked the time and saw that it was 4PM, which meant my mother would be on her way home. I called her up and asked her where Holly was.

‘She’s not at home?’ my mother asked, a slight tinge of worry in her voice, before she relaxed a bit. ‘It’s the fourteenth today, isn’t it? She was going into town to get some things that were on sale.’

Made sense, I didn’t even think about questioning that. Hanging up the phone, I ran upstairs to change out of my school uniform and into something comfortable; I replaced the unnaturally yellow mustard tie and black slacks with a pair of grey shorts and a hoodie, before getting the box of cornflakes from the cupboard. It was my turn to do the dishwasher, but I couldn’t be bothered, I just wanted to get my homework done and be outside.

The sequence of events that followed are, in honesty, a bit fuzzy. I remember doing the dishwasher, then doing a bit of homework, before sleeping for an hour. When I woke up, Holly hadn’t returned and it was 6PM, way after the weeknight curfew and the time at which my dad came home. My mother was cooking something: chicken breast with savoury rice, a weeknight staple. I woke up because my dad was getting annoyed at my mother for something.

‘I know she’s a teenager, but this is too late,’ he said in a heavy tone. At the time, it seemed this anger was misplaced and came from his usual place of distrust of children, the children that he chose to have and that he brought into the world. It seemed like he said to himself: “I didn’t choose to have these kids so, if they’re going to exist, they’re going to exist on my terms.” And that was his justification for how he treated us at times. But, at other times, he wasn’t like that at all.

I remember it getting to 9PM and Holly hadn’t returned. Then, it got to 9:30PM and the police were informed. At this point, the panic set in; panic for what, I wasn’t quite sure. My mother cried, though she cried for everything, and my dad was just pacing. My mother wiped away tears with her slender fingers and tried to speak through her caught voice. She told the police officers what she told me; I’m pretty sure she already told them that though.

When they approached me, I had a rock in my throat. I gulped and told them that I checked the house when I came home and spoke to my mother, I didn’t think anything was wrong at that point. Nobody went missing in Little Yeadon, it just wasn’t the thing. I realised though, at that point, it wasn’t that nobody went missing; it was that nobody went missing yet.

As the years went by, our lives moved on. My parents sold the house, too many bad memories, they said – but I knew it was because they needed the money. I went to university and did alright; I got a job at a tech start-up in London that developed search engine optimisation algorithms for small-to-medium businesses. All of that was way above my head, I only worked in business development. That being said, I still went to Little Yeadon every two months. My parents were getting to their late forties, though they felt like it was time to retire.

When it gets to May, people at work always walk on eggshells around me. They never wanted to address it; it was just this unspoken thing that was a part of me. I had to basically beg the guys at the interview to let me work there despite the potential negative association my name would carry. I think I sold it as, ‘Well, how good would you look as a company that wants to give people with complex backgrounds a chance at a normal life?’ which I think they liked. They must have done, because they offered me the job the next day.

This year was a big one, it is ten years since Holly disappeared. I think the foundation my parents set up was planning on releasing some new mock-ups of what she would look like now, but those always terrified me. My parents needed me back in Little Yeadon for a vigil which was going to be held at the park, renamed for Holly as Hope Park. There, people were going to be given leaflets on child protection and posters to hand out to others they knew. That stuff annoyed me because I was trying to be realistic, I knew she was dead – she had to be. Nobody who went missing after ten years suddenly reappeared.

I left the office and got into the lift, hoping nobody would catch me before I got out. Hope wasted. ‘Danny,’ said my supervisor, ‘before you leave, do you mind just looking something over with me?’ She absolutely knew what she was doing, but I couldn’t blame her for it – I sold myself on the basis that my history as the Brother of the Missing Girl wouldn’t interfere with my work, so I helped her out.

When I was done, she tried to make small talk about our plans for the week – apparently the heads of departments needed to meet with some ministers about compliance regarding GDPR, or something like that. I told her that I was going home, just that. I confirmed she knew that ‘going home’ meant I was going home to the vigil of my sister who had been missing for ten years, but in a more implicit way. Though, when I got back to the lift, I wished I realised that subtlety was one of her few weaknesses. I checked my phone and saw an email from her asking me to read over these draft service agreements when I had time, which was code for when I had a desk nearby.

I jammed my phone into my pocket and walked outside, dragging my hand luggage bag behind me. I checked my phone to see the car number of the taxi I ordered to take me to my parents’ – I couldn’t be bothered with a train and I needed a few moments to myself. When I found the guy, he was standing outside smoking his vape. He signalled two minutes to me as he was on the phone, so I walked to the grey sedan and started loading my bag in, mouthing ‘It’s fine’ to him so he could carry on his conversation. He was a few years older than me, he looked Pakistani and spoke with a thick Northern accent. His stubbly beard would crease whenever he laughed, which was a lot, and his hair was slicked back with an inane amount of product. I just got in the car and waited a few seconds before he returned.

‘Sorry about that,’ he said, bounding in and slamming the door shut. ‘Right, Daniel. Just double-checking, you want to go to Little Yeadon?’ he asked, tapping away at the price controller, attached to the windscreen, on his right side. ‘Should take us about two hours so do you want to make a stop on the motorway about halfway?’

‘Sounds good to me,’ I said. I loved the services; I don’t know why but there’s something so exciting about stops like that. The intersect of people there who are all doing the same thing, all feeling the same way. It’s the same reason I love airports, and the same reason I loved the library at midnight during exam season at university. Petrol station Costa, overpriced KFC and all the sweets I could spend a tenner on.

We drove out of London for a bit and hit the M25 services before stopping. I checked my phone and saw a text from my mother, ‘Have you seen this write-up x’ she asked, sharing a link to a true crime blog, which had a link to a YouTube video. In that video, I saw someone try and do what people did five years ago – capitalise on the disappearance of my sister.

‘Hi everyone, welcome back to my channel,’ he started. ‘Today, we’re going to be talking about the tragic disappearance of Holly Ranger, a fourteen-year-old girl who went missing ten years ago almost to this day. Before we begin, I’d like to thank our sponsor for this video,’ she said, explaining that her viewers could get ten-percent off this subscription service if they used her code: ‘MISSTERRI10’. That was clever, her name was Terri Knowles and she caused my family a bit of unintended stress a couple of years ago because she brought Holly’s disappearance to an audience of over 750,000 people at once. It made everyone feel a bit on edge because of the unwanted comments, it was the main reason I almost didn’t get the job. Over the past few years, though, my parents reached out to her to get their side across. She accepted their invitation and it was the best business decision she ever made, because she started getting brand deals and gaining influencer status – she was known as the true crime buff.

‘The case of Holly Ranger is one I feel incredibly connected to,’ she started, her voice dancing softly on the quiet melody she used in all of her videos. ‘Part of what makes this case so interesting is the sheer lack of evidence and seemingly no motive by anyone, there aren’t any concrete theories. All of this has led police to slow down their search.’ That was true, there wasn’t any of that. Every time there was a lead, it was immediately severed because it led to nowhere. There were seventeen persons of interest, my father and uncle included, but nobody was officially ruled as a suspect because there was nothing tying anybody to Holly.

I carried on watching the video because, whenever I saw something about my sister, it didn’t feel like it was about someone I knew. They took her personality, her love and her flaws and used them as markers. She was a statistic; she was a product, something to be put on display for views, for reads, all to generate money. My parents didn’t mind, they thought that the more exposure she had the better the chances would be at finding her. Though that did make sense, the commercialisation of my sister didn’t sit right with me.

When I saw the picture of Holly that Terri put on the screen, I started to laugh. It was one that I took when we went to Margate and Holly wanted to do a handstand on the sand. Her brown hair was mid-fall, cascading onto the golden sand. Her face was skewed, and I remember showing her the picture, only for her to call me a dick and tell me to take it again – even if her face was red from all the blood rushing to her head. Our parents walked back to us with some churros and slush, I loved the blue one. It was a really nice day, a good memory. Over time, I grew to resent that my mother shared that with Terri; it was ours, not hers. Not anybody else’s, but I couldn’t be bothered opening up that can of worms. I just wanted to move on.

When the driver came back after his piss, he filled up about forty quid and ran in to pay. I followed him in and bought some low-quality, high-price gummy sweets and chocolate, and a Coke for good measure. The little bits of my childhood that I try to hold on to are the only ones that are mine and mine alone, everything else is just mired with Holly. There are moments in your life that help to define who you are, but there is only one for me. My life is divided into moments that are BH – before Holly, and AH – after Holly. Everything that is part of AH, I try to keep in my short-term memory, I can’t be bothered dwelling on it. I started doing that once I got to university, making friends on my own terms and living with people I wish I’d known my whole life. I never spoke to many people about her because of the unspoken ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ rule at university. You can be who you want to be there, but I’d spent so long in the shadow of my sister’s disappearance that I had no idea who I was. The first few months, I spent doing work, maybe I was going to be the person who just excelled at everything. Then, I spent a month just going out, maybe I was going to be the person who loved to party. Eventually, it got to the exam season and I realised how much work I had to do. Before I knew it, two more years had passed and I graduated, unsure of who I was and just going through the motions of a life I accidented myself into. Though I knew this was the case, that I was on autopilot to some degree, I still felt like I had a bit of autonomy, which I suppose is why I never wanted to change what I was doing, it was just what it was.

When the car started up again, the radio turned on. It was a news report about how tomorrow was the ten-year anniversary of Holly’s disappearance. The driver looked at me, then at my name on his screen, and he made the connection.

‘I’m so sorry, boss,’ he said, more restrained than I thought he would be. After some discussion on what he thought, which I don’t think he realised was a discussion I was trying to avoid, we wound up at my parents’ house – a small cottage illuminated by the mid-evening sun as it set over the hills. ‘I’ll tell you what, no charge.’

I’d already paid a £20 deposit, but this was nice. I told him that I’d just send him the rest as a tip and closed the door. Walking my bag to the house, I could see a horde of people through the window, all of whom were comforting my parents. My mother sat on the couch with her arms latched tightly onto her friend from work, my father was flitting in and out of the room getting people teas and coffees. I walked up to the entrance and, for some reason, rang the doorbell, like I didn’t belong.

My dad opened the door wearing a fleece jumper with some brown trousers, his hair started greying slightly. He hugged me asked how I was, before ignoring my answer and leading me into the living room. ‘Look who’s back,’ he said to the room, announcing me – I was on display for him. Everyone turned and rushed towards me, all hugging me, creasing my suit jacket. Holly would hate this, I thought. But then I thought a bit harder and realised that she would absolutely love it, the idea of people coming from all over just to be there for her – it was something she’d relish in. And that’s not a knock on her, but she was a fourteen-year-old girl who was reasonably popular, attention came like to oxygen to her. She so naturally basked when all eyes were on her; she would tell a story and have everyone balancing on the ends of her sentences, it was an art form really.

I finally managed to clear my path a bit and made my way to my mother. I sat next to her and hugged her, ‘How’ve you been keeping?’ I asked. ‘Did you enjoy the thing I sent you last month?’ I couldn’t come to Little Yeadon that month because I had a pitch to prepare for a potential client – I sent her a care package instead. I put in some colouring books because she told me she found them soothing, I threw in a candle or two because there’s no video on how to make a package for your mother whose daughter went missing, funnily enough.

She turned to me, taking my hand into both of hers, and smiled. ‘I’m much better now that you’re here,’ she said, stroking my face. ‘I’ve missed you a lot, how’s work going?’ It wasn’t unusual for her to be this candid in front of everyone, but I felt awkward having a small-talk conversation with my parents while everyone else listened in. I told her that we can discuss that later, I just want to unpack my stuff and get ready for tomorrow. I saw her face drop slightly; why, I couldn’t be sure. If I had my cynical hat on, it would be because I stopped her from having the opportunity to flaunt me in front of everyone else; if I had my caring son hat on, it was because I didn’t want to let her into my life. Often times, it was somewhere in the middle.

I pulled my bag upstairs and walked into my room, the spare room as it became known. My parents sold our old house a few years ago, while I was at university, so they didn’t need to redecorate a whole room that I’d only use once in a few months. They kept Holly’s old room though, almost a perfect recreation, in the event that she returned. I’m sure a twenty-four-year-old woman would just love the room she had when she was fourteen. But still, they kept it; I think my mother changed the sheets every two weeks. They used to spray her perfume in there too sometimes, just so they would walk by and catch a glimpse of it and feel alright – even if only for a split-second. I begged them to stop that and that wound up in an argument again. It wasn’t healthy, which they agreed. Sometimes it felt like I was the only rational person here, which I couldn’t really blame on them. A missing daughter and a son who wants nothing to do with them, that’s on me.

When everything was unpacked, I heard someone call my name. No, it wasn’t my parents, it was someone else. I peeked my head out of the door and looked to the bottom of stairs to see Arielle, my sister’s best friend when she was younger. She never left Little Yeadon, her parents owned the estate agents and she worked in there instead of going off to university. She was pretty, her hair was a dark blond and she had a nicely tanned complexion. It was weird, but the older I got the less attractive I found her. She was always in my sister’s shadow; when we were younger, she wore these thick “old lady” glasses as she called them. Her hair was always in two ponytails and she used to have retainers. I found her to be a really non-threatening member of my sister’s group of friends, she was the one I could geek out with about things and I loved that. After Holly went missing, she used to come home every so often to check up on us but, like everything, it started to peter out and it turned sparse. Out of everyone close to Holly, she was the one who wanted the least to do with the sensation that it brought our town.

‘Ari,’ I said, smiling. ‘Thanks for coming, how’ve you been?’ I asked her while walking downstairs. She took my arm and pulled me close to her, like a hug she couldn’t commit to.

‘Same old,’ she said, ‘I can’t complain.’ There was something else, though. She never wanted to make eye contact with me, and I could tell that her voice held some restraint. ‘There’s something I wanted to talk to you about. Can we go somewhere private?’ she asked.

I nodded and led her to my room. While walking, my mind raced through the possibilities of what she could want to talk about. I thought it was maybe something my parents, specifically my mother, did that I wasn’t informed of. That was something I appreciated about the relationship I had with Little Yeadon; people tried to keep me out of things unless I wanted to be involved. The town acted as a filter for me, and I loved that. Except at times like this because I knew my mother was volatile at times. I’d rather know about it when it happened than find out however many months or weeks later.

Ari sat on my bed while I closed the door, pressing it hard to make sure it was shut properly. ‘Everything alright?’ I asked her, half-jokingly.

She breathed, ‘I’m not sure. I didn’t want to speak to your parents about it because it could just be some kids playing a nasty prank, but you know how to handle things like this.’

My head was pounding. ‘What is it?’

She reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out an envelope that was folded in half. Handing it to me, I noticed there was no handwriting; there was, however, a label. It was addressed to ‘The parents of Holly Granger’. The envelope itself didn’t look like it had ever been sealed, the lick-and-stick seal was unused and there was no stamp. I opened it and found a typed note which said only one thing:

THE GROUND WAS WET

submitted by /u/ahumanmadethis [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/2riibsD

#Blogger #Story