#NOW I'm in then for sensible clear and loving reasons and I'm profoundly glad of the relationships i have

[thedreadvampy]

I need to have like a Serious Trauma Talk with my partners bc I am realising that both of them have said they've known me for almost a decade and they know almost nothing about what my deal actual is. Shadows and whispers, says Kofi (actually they said a Tolkien quote but who am I, a Memory Person?)

but like. now I've raised the issue but NOT had the conversation I'm like. picking at the conversation in my head. I don't have like a Set Time to talk about this stuff and so I have nowhere to put this I'm just turning over and trying to rehearse the best way to explain Wha' Happun where like. I don't just say something very basic and surface level but it's also not a 6 hour therapy session.

and also there's this problem I've already been having with doing this in therapy which is like. there's a LOT to unpack. like we're talking a 10 year pick and mix of Various Traumas every few months and there are more and less significant ones but none of them are The Big Trauma they're all. cumulative. and I can't stop and explain them all we'd be here for weeks and also half of them I Don't Even Really Know. So I really have to edit it down to the highlights, you know? prepare a short presentation. a monologue. perhaps through the medium of interpretive dance.

#i have said this a bunch but #i FEEL like i talk explicitly about this stuff literally all the time to the point it's annoying #and yet nobody knows what happened and I'm like????? WHAT HAVE I BEEN SAYING THEN DOES ANYTHING I SAY MAKE SENSE???? #which like. not really i guess. i think i take a lot as read where it isn't really. #i considered just handing them the timeline i made in therapy #but that's not very explanatory and it also is a bit raw tbh #it's Notes On When Traumas Happened more than explanations of What Trauma Was #it's an aide memoire for further therapy convos #it is useful though. very much recommend timelining as a trauma treatment process. #my initial plan was to talk about my Hellyear but the more i think about it the more i don't know where that starts #bc that was my first year of uni but like the reason i was such a catastrophe then #was partially that i was coming out of an abusive 2 year relationship anda bunch of other trauma #and part of the reason i ended up in that relationship was bc i spent lower 6th in a trauma haze making terrible choices #and now we're already 4 years back from the end of the supposed 'hellyear' #and i also need to tread carefully bc the 'hellyear' was the year i started both these relationships #they were bright spots in a bad time but i probably also. didn't get into them for great reasons #as much as bc i was spiralling out and desperately needed connection and support #NOW I'm in then for sensible clear and loving reasons and I'm profoundly glad of the relationships i have #i was so lucky to find such good people at such an otherwise shitty time #but like. aside from the expected upset that Bad Things Happened To Someone I Love this stuff is not. impersonal. #like my partners are part of the story i need to tell #red said