#Neil call's Riko a loser

[crxxentum]

This book is a nightmare. It's so succulent, I hate it. I would absolutely read it again. There are multiple spelling mistakes in this with fuck knows how much bullshit grammar I neglected to pick up on during my rabid binge read of this fuckfest of a book. Nora Sakavic made it abundantly clear in the first book that she does whatever the fuck she wants. There is zero scientific accuracy, Andrews psychosis(?) the the most confusing thing ever, I have never been more confused over a sport than I have with Exy, I have never related more to someone so done with everyone and everything than all the characters in this book series. Sakavic - with ease - shows us she has no idea about sports, gangs, drugs, the yakuza, the mafia, queer assholes, not queer assholes, trauma related mental health, long term affects of bodily harm(aka overtraining syndrome), I mean how the fuck do they not have a physiotherapist on call, and how sport teams function. I mean, c'mon, how do these losers manage to play when they're so splintered, it's a Christmas miracle. But it's not Christmas, and it's something Nostradamus would have predicted in 1500 but everyone would of dismissed him because of how stupid it sounds. This creates a cringe worthy, wattpad-esk, insane YA novel of a book - half the time I was trying to figure out what the fuck Exy was. The respect I have for Nora to make a whole new sport because she couldn't be bothered to learn the rules of lacrosse - is undying. As is my hate for her, because what the fuck.

How a team of such dysfunctional losers ever managed to outplay another group of somehow more dysfunctional losers is beyond me. Purely think Neil should have joined the Ravens if only because I would enjoy his suffering. Also Jean and Neil are interesting. I wanted more of them. The ravens seem like hell, but so do the foxes.

In any case, I hate this mess of a book. Five stars, because all these losers are my children. Kevin? I picked him up from the trash. Allison and Reene? I would of picked them up from the trash but I value my life. Andrew is someone I am 90% sure I could take on, because, I too, am a psychotic midget. How one tiny bitch kept both Kevin and Neil alive is the most unrealistic part of this story because I know for a fact he'd have more problems keeping them from killing themselves through ways of eating raw cookie dough too much than keeping them from their insane families.

I almost shed tears over Riko, you poor child, let me make you soup. You don't deserve a terrible life. Jean??? French fuck. I love him. He is the reason I hate Riko but also I can't, Jean deserves better and therapy. I will teach this absolute losers what lacrosse(Exy, whatever.) is all about. The key point is that it is not life and death, unless you're stupid. But they are stupid. What mafia sells their child info fucking lacrosse from Walmart?? I threw my messy hair into a bun and got sold to play Exy by my parents??? I'd die. I hate this series. Where is my fan content. Give me the ao3 tags for this cluster fuck of a novel series. I love this series with my whole heart, I hate it. Don't read it, but do.

I love it.

#the foxhole court #neil josten #jean moreau #riko moriyama #all for the game #the raven king #renee walker #kevin day #aftg fandom #andrew minyard #arron minyard #nicky hemmick #The foxes #david wymack #a review of a hellish hell #aftg spoilers #I am putting this on goodreads. #Also #someone recc me some ao3 things #>reviews

[hedgehogcryptid]

So, I finished aftg

And while I get the feeling the ending was kind of rushed action-wise (or maybe I just read it too fast. Maybe), I gotta say I really, REALLY, liked it.

For some reason (probably due to the edgy-gritty-shitty-everything-sucks kind of “adult” fiction that’s on fashion lately) I expected someone to turn out bad, a back-stabing bastard. Specially the adults. But no. As disfunctional as all of them were they turned out surprisingly wholesome, in their own ways. And I’m not sure I can describe how happy that makes me.

I love how the relationship between the foxes shines when they are facing the FBI agents, their steadfastness (is that a word?). They make it work.

I also love the fact that both mayor villains (three, counting Lola) end up dead, even with the looming threat of Ichirou.

I love how incredibly manipulative Neil is and that he uses this power mostly for good, to fix and bridge the gaps between his teammates, and to keep them safe. That is not an usual trait to see in a main character.

And the relationship between Neil and Andrew. I love that too. Is such an unhortodox thing. Even then, no matter if its a fling or something more serious, no matter how violent it is, or how much violence surrounds them, it’s still based in absolute trust and understanding. So many times a character’s trauma and issues are used as a way to make the relationship “dark”, to give one or both of them toxic traits they must overcome or to make one hurt the other in order to have a reconsiliation, or growth. Neil and Andrew never do that. From the very begining, before there was anything to call “something”, their relationship has been about negotiation, and respecting the terms and boundaries they set. They have to learn about each other’s pasts, and they do, but they never trespass any boundary in order to do so. They didn’t need to know the whole truth to learn where the lines were. The truth only serves to explain why is there, but every line was respected before it was explained. I would probably give my right arm to see more relationships like that, even in media that’s suposed to be all romance and fluff. Is incredible the amount of toxic bullshit that overflows from romantic, fluffy media.

And even if the action actually was rushed, at least it shortened the amount of time I had to suffer trough the pain and incertainty of it all.

10/10 would recomend (and will read again)

#all for the game #the foxhole court #The Raven King #the kings men #aftg #Neil Josten #Andrew Minyard #Neil call's Riko a loser #and Andrew breaks his arm #and then he gets a fucking bullet to the head #perfect

[high-queen-of-exy]

The Foxes as energy drinks but it's my hyper specific opinion and less reasoning as it goes on

Kevin, who cares about his health, you know, like a loser, gets V8 energy. There's like, so little caffeine it barely does anything, but it's healthy. My grandma drinks theses. But like he also gets the blueberry pomegranate flavor because it tastes good

Andrew gets bang because it has unreasonable amounts of caffeine and it makes Kevin mad, cotton candy flavored because my boy has a sweet tooth and this one tastes like pure sugat

Neil gets purple haze bang because a. Same as Andrew with Kevin, and b. Because he seems like the kinda bitch who likes grape flavored things

Aaron is the the white monster, he just feels citrusy, like that's his whole personality as a flavor in my brain

Nicky is rainbow unicorn bang because my best friend used to bring me them and call it my "gay juice" when we were freshman

Allison is the Frosé Rosé bang, pretty, tastes nice, will induce heart palpitations

Renee gets the pink monster because she's pretty and also I like it

Matt gets the reign, idk what flavor because I've never had one but I think it fits based on vibe alone

Dan gets the the lemon-tea monster rehab, my ex used to drink these, I used to steal them, they're really good

And Seth gets original red bull, I tried one once and it tasted like piss

Honorable mentions-

Jeremy gets pipeline punch because my friend Caleb drinks them and they have the same vibe

Jean gets blue razz bang because my best friend loves them and I love her and also I love Jean and I dunno if that makes sense but it does to me

Leila gets radical skadical bang, I didn't even want this flavor, I thought it was rainbow unicorn, but it's really good

Alvarez is watermelon bang, I just think it's fun

Ichirou gets lo carb because it taste like the original but good?, essentially because....

Riko gets original monster, it tastes like battery acid, my dad drinks these, my dad is a peice of shit, I hate this kinda

#andrew minyard #neil josten #kevin day #nicky hemmick #renee walker #aaron minyard #dan wilds #matt boyd #seth gordon #allison reynolds #riko moriyama #ichirou moriyama #jeremy knox #jean moreau #sara alvarez #laila dermott #aftg #all for the game #the foxes #the foxhole court #the raven king #the king's men

[i-never-even-wanted-to-be-here]

I really wanna hear Neil and co. speak German. So have some German hcs

"Neil was fluent in German" and I think that's very sexy of him. I bet he doesn't really have an accent because he probably had to stay stealth in Europe and therefore perfected his accent. But I think if you listen closely you might hear how he still slightly struggles with our R and CH.

He can do a Swiss accent, which is hilarious.

I'd love it if he used Austrian words instead of the German versions! (I'm Austrian, let me have this) Imagine Neil addressing a rude reporter with "Oida" cause he's just done with them.

Dan asks him to translate that but he somehow can't find a good translation for it. (Because I can't)

I am aware that he doesn't know memes but "Bruder, muss los" (basically Ight I'mma head out) is his entire situation.

Nicky would call him "Dicka/ Digga" (dude) cause they're jocks.

And I'm begging for Neil to call Drew "Schatz" (darling; lit. treasure) just ONCE. He'd get a glare in return but I feel like Andrew would secretly gay panic.

Nicky's accent would be good, pure high German, since he's studied it for a long time and Erik gave him good experience. I bet they love hearing each other speak German and Erik is super supportive.

S*x happens in English tho because German dirty talk sounds DISGUSTING.

Der/die/das Nutella? They start fighting and betting until they think to ask Erik, who doesn't know it either but joins in on the discussion because he's highly opinionated on the topic. They're yelling, team bonds are being destroyed. The other Foxes think they've finally lost it.

Neil refuses to say "Schulz". Andrew considers breaking up with him about this but has a reputation to uphold so he pretends to dislike that rule as well.

Erik would show Nicky the movie "Schuh des Manitu" to culture him and they'd jam to The Superperforator Commercial because it is indeed a timeless bop.

Aaron and Andrew definitely have an accent. Apparently they have strong vocab because they use big words. I can imagine them struggling with articles and grammar tho. Andrew not so much because of his eiditic memory ofc.

Aaron wonders why tf "bitte", "so!" and "tja..." are being used in so many different contexts.

Nicky keeps a list of strange German words like Handschuhe (gloves, lit. hand shoes) and Kabelsalat (lit. cable salad) because he finds them funny.

One day Aaron behaves unusually upset and when Nicky asks him about it he says that he's mad that Haribo does NOT make him happy. Nicky joins in on being upset now. Andrew is in the back eating Haribo, unimpressed. The artificial flavours hit different that day.

manic!Andrew will directly translate German expressions like "How much clock is it?" or even worse "This is sausage to me". It annoys everyone. Most of all me.

Aaron mixing up the ways to say Why. When do you use which one? Ugh screw it, just say "warum".

When is it ss and when is it ß? Do it randomly, it is now süss and müßen (technically not wrong but you sound like a boomer)

Neil: Paradeiser (Austrian word for tomato)

Andrew: Tomate (German word for tomato)

Neil: -.-

Andrew: nobody fucking says Paradeiser ketchup!

Neil: Erdapfel (potatoe)

Andrew: that sounds horrible. It's Kartoffel.

Neil: Gelse (mosquito)

Andrew: it's Mücke

Neil: okay but get this... Polster (pillow)

Andrew: I will murder you

Nicky calling the shorter foxes Knilch, Schlingel and other cute, stupid expressions for which he gets ignored. Once he says "Füchschen" (little fox) to Andrew and that's when he snaps :)

"Stop! It all stays as it is, whether you're here or not!", Nicky yells. Neil looks very tired. It's one of these rare moments, in which he makes eye contact with Aaron and in that second, only that second, they feel a deep connection based on shared inner pain.

Anybody could be Manuel Neuer at this point and it is driving them crazy.

Aaron messes up and says "schwul" (gay) instead of "schwül" (humid) and Nicky laughs really hard at him.

Whenever one of them uses the Dativ instead of Genitiv the others immediately jump in and correct him. "It's wegen+Genitiv, you moron!!"

German jam sessions in the car on their way to Columbia. "Ich muss durch den Monsun, hinter die Welt" and "Du sitzt im Maserati Mercedes und siehst aus wie ein Loser", throw in some Trailerpark and Bausa too. They have a whole playlist with different artists and all the iconic songs. Kevin is suffering, as always.

Something is in the street and one of the boys yells "umfahren!" (run it over/ drive around it) but Nicky doesn't know which one is meant so they awkwardly swerve while screaming.

Aaron knows that German anime openings are the best. One piece, Digimon, you name it. They use anime as a form of confrontational therapy for Kevin. The two of them would watch an anime in Japanese with German subtitles.

Nicky once accidentally addressed manic!Andrew with "Sie" (formal you) instead of "du" (informal you) and Aaron would mock him going "Ihr" (very formal you) and "Eure Majestät" (your majesty) so Andrew is like "That's right, Riko can leave, I'm king now", which actually gets a little laugh out of Aaron. Nicky is really happy that they had a brief bonding moment.

"Alles bäm?", Nicky asked. In that moment Neil could've sworn he was back on German soil with his mom, drinking the clearest water, while making his way down to Stuttgart. "Läuft", he responds blinking tears away. He hadn't thought anything besides torture could make him cry.

Aaron calls Riko "Hurensohn" (son of a bitch; very common insult) once and at some point teaches Kevin how to say it.

Andrew's famous "That doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you" (Das heißt nicht, dass ich dir nicht einen blasen würde) in German sounds kinda nasty imo. But Neil's shocked "You like me?" (Du magst mich?) is honestly pretty cute.

When they're in Germany Erik once makes a stupid reference "Warum liegt da Stroh?" (Why is there straw lying around?), which is a porn reference that somehow everyone in Germany knows, even if they haven't watched it. He is surprised when, of all people, Aaron is the one who reacts with "Why are you wearing a mask?", who now has to hastily explain that in high school German class someone mentioned it and he wanted to know what it meant so he unwisely looked it up.

Erik sends Kinder Surprise Eggs to Andrew to earn his trust.

Nicky makes up stupid German sayings. "You know in situations like this they say This is really flipping my pancakes right now but at least the pigs fly high". Neil thinks it sounds fishy but doesn't know for sure because German expressions are weird so he doesn't say anything. The others just have to believe it. One day Andrew brings it up in front of Erik to impress him but Erik just blinks at him in confusion. Andrew is angery. Nicky has to hide for the rest of the day.

+Bonus

Matt finds their German conversations very fascinating and asks for a few words. Neil makes him say "Eichhörnchen" (squirrel) but Matt fails miserably.

#aftg #all for the game #tfc #the foxhole court #nora sakavic #neil josten #andrew minyard #twinyards #nicky hemmick #aaron minyard #andreil #jerejean

[jemej3m]

gamer au please 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

if anyone anons me those three emojis again i will have a conniption 

*

So what if Andrew was no longer in the top-three on the scoreboard? He didn’t care. He so didn’t care. He couldn’t give less of a shit, really. 

Riko had always been in the first-place slot, and Kevin had found himself quite comfortable in second. 

But now, a little shit by the username neiljosten, had snatched Andrew’s place in third. 

He didn’t give a shit. Who would? Definitely not him. He couldn’t care less about the game. EXY was a shit game, anyway. He barely played it. 

“Oi!” Nicky yelled, rapping his fist on Andrew’s bedroom door and making a general racket. “It’s almost time to stream, Andrew!” 

Andrew glared balefully at the screen before throwing aside his controller and storming out of his room. 

“Someone’s still pissy he’s not in the top three anymore,” Aaron taunted, already on the couch with a bowl of chips. His girlfriend, Katelyn, had the salsa between her knees as she tugged on her headset. Erik, Nicky’s husband, was already figuring out tech stuff and testing audio. 

They were called the Fantastic Five, mostly because they were all kick-ass and had made themselves careers through e-sports. Erik and Aaron both coded but had a small online following. Katelyn’s main passion was animation, but every Sunday she settled down with her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s family, posting stream highlights to her second channel the next day. 

Nicky had a day job as a marketing manager at Aaron and Erik’s game developing company, F0X Games. That was the same company that’d released EXY, the newest hot-shot game out there. 

With a public scoreboard. That Andrew was no longer third-place on. 

“Definitely salty,” Nicky agreed, settling between Aaron and Erik. Andrew took the chair in the corner, tugging his hoodie up over his mouth and nose and sinking into the cushions. 

“I didn’t think you cared about any of this shit,” Aaron muttered, knocking his controller to wake it up. Andrew just flipped him off and looked to the screen. 

“Okay, we’re live in three,” Erik said, settling back into the couch and leaning on his husband with a grin. 

“I’m going to tank all your asses in Mariokart,” Nicky said, cheerful. “Get ready.” 

Andrew just rolled his eyes. 

Fourth game in, Andrew was steadily coming 12th place. The others were all ignoring his tantrum, battling it out for the top three. Meanwhile, he was hellbent on driving backwards and tried completing the whole track in reverse. He didn’t give a fuck if everyone on the stream saw him sitting there, wallowing. He had his hood up and his cat socks on. He was definitely looking a little worse-for-wear.

“Ten dollar donation!” Katelyn cheered, squinting at the screen. “Uh, neiljosten says: didn’t realise minyard was such a sore loser” 

Andrew sat upright, glaring at the little laptop on the coffee table. Nicky was grinning, losing his first-place position to Erik, who whooped. 

“Looks like your new rival is watching our stream, Andrew,” Aaron said, biting his lip as he fought for 3rd place with his girlfriend. 

“Neil Josten just donated another $10 and said: ‘rival? we’d only be rivals if andrew could beat my score’.” Nicky howled. “He’s antagonistic, too! Oh, Andrew. You definitely have some competition.”

Andrew grit his teeth, sitting up. He had nothing to say except: “Fuck you.” Erik whistled lowly, blue-shelling Nicky off the side of the cliff. Yelling ensued but Andrew ignored them, waiting for a response. 

neiljosten, in his cryptid-like manner, didn’t appear for the rest of the stream. 

*

His channel was relatively small. He hadn’t even showed his face yet, in neither his streams nor videos. Andrew wasn’t scouring him for information that might give him a clue as to who the hell he thought he was. He definitely didn’t care about ‘neiljosten’, whoever that may be. 

“You know what I think is a fucking scam?” Neil said, in one of his stream-highlights. “The Moriyamas monopolise this whole streaming platform and still think we won’t notice if they just give hundreds of thousands of free subscribers and followers to loud-mouthed Riko Moriyama. No one even watches his shit. He’s boringly thick-skulled and can’t play to save his life. What a jackass. Get a fucking life: one that doesn’t include taunting 12-year-olds that you beat them.” 

Without even thinking about it, Andrew snorted. In horror, he shut all the tabs that he had open on Neil Josten. So far, all he knew about him was that he was about 23, so only a year younger than Andrew was. And that he had a wickedly scathing tone when he confronted people. He’d alluded once to knowing Kevin, but Kevin Day was a famous name. Of course he would hedge he knew Kevin. 

It felt one-sided, not knowing what he looked like, where he was from. He sounded like he was from the east coast, but sometimes his tongue had a British lilt. He sometimes swore in German. Sometimes in French. Sometimes, even, in Spanish. Andrew didn’t have a clue what to think. 

At four in the morning he gave up his search. Instead, he opened up his F0X file and clicked on EXY. 

The game uploaded itself and opened the launcher. 

Low and behold, the ‘people you might know’ section of the Online listings heralded the one and only: neiljosten. 

Neil-fucking-Josten. 

Andrew had never logged so fast in his life. He trotted over to Neil’s server and location, and plopped himself into the unknown landmass. 

It was time to figure out who this little fucker was, once and for all. 

*

ignore this travesty

#gamer au #andreil #aftg #shitposting is my current state #because apparently i cant write anymore #neil josten #andrew minyard #my bb is killing me #shh dont tell the mods #iill figure it out eventually #internet au #streamer au #youtuber au #? #i guess so lol #all for the game #jem writes

[amiandthechaos]

Rereading aftg part 9

this is a raven's hate post just so you know

i'm sorry, i don't care how much Neil thinks the ravens don't look ridiculous all dressed the same and sitting in an identical position (right elbow on the table, chin in their hands) there is NO way they don't look like pathetic losers who rehearsed this all the way to the banquet. They probably rehearsed the insults they were gonna throw as well.

And don't even get me started on Jean and Riko. They probably spent the night before going over everything like a couple of teenagers planning their first prank. "And then I will call him some of the names he used on the run" *giggles* "omg yes do that. I will ask him about his dead mother"

And then the whole team moves as one to lean back in their chairs????? I am trying to imagine that even in the most threateningly way possibly and just... no. They're a team of circus freaks.

the only one who sees this is clearly Andrew who treats them like they joke they are. "Jean. Hey, Jean. Jean Valjean. Hey. Hey. Hello." lmao he is so fucking annoying i love him.

"You have a pet and you never told us? Where do you keep it, Kevin?" I mean... the man is hilarious.

and then there's Neil's roast. Neil keeps saying he is nervous and afraid and that he will have a mental breakdown similar to Kevin's but... then he does THAT. and dragging Kevin with him bc he said he and Kevin talk about Riko's daddy issues oh my god.

every single person at that table was freaking out internally while Andrew was falling in love faster than humanly possible. not to be crude but I'm pretty sure he got a hard-on from hearing Neil's speech.

AND THEN NEIL SAYS "I said please. I tried to be nice" WHAT A LITTLE SHIT I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

#aftg ramblings #in this house we make fun of the ravens

[markonasurface]

20/50 - “It’s 8:30, I have a hangover and you’re annoying me.”

Fandom: All for the Game/The Foxhole Court Characters/pairings: Jean, Jeremy/jerejean Summary: Jean and Jeremy tag along on the Foxes’ spring break trip. A/N: This has taken me too long to finish. I think I started it two years ago. I almost forgot to use the quote prompt.

Warnings: implied past abuse

“Kevin invited you to the Foxes’ spring break trip?” Jean asked, eyebrows high.

Jeremy barely glanced up from the text he was studying. “Mm.”

“Are you going?” Jean pressed.

“Are you?” Jeremy snapped.

Jean flinched and Jeremy’s mouth dropped open. “I’m sorry.” He finally put his studying materials down and turned to face Jean. “I didn’t mean to snap. I just - last semester, you know?”

“Yes,” Jean said, even though he didn’t. He felt the heat in his cheeks and internally cursed himself for not being able to control his reactions. Riko used to love to make him flinch. It was at one point worth the beatings for not giving him the satisfactory.

“So, are you going?” Jeremy asked, back to his normal self if a bit exhausted.

He bit the inside of his cheek and stayed completely still. It was hard being around Kevin but it might be nice. Kevin did whatever Riko told him to do but Kevin wasn’t cruel. He had learned from his therapist that he didn’t miss Evermore; he missed the familiarity of it. Kevin could give him a bit of what he thought to be normalcy.

“Jean?” Jeremy said quietly, patiently.

Jean looked up to meet his eyes. “I - yes.”

“You’ll have to give Kevin my regards,” Jeremy said and turned back to his text.

“You aren’t going?” Jean didn’t know if he was relieved.

“I should really study,” Jeremy sighed.

Their bedroom door opened and Jean jumped.

“Y’all left your door unlocked.” Laila fell onto Jeremy’s bed. “And you’re going to spend your last spring break studying? Come on, Jer.”

“Fuck off, Laila,” he said.

She nudged his chair with her foot. “I bet those Foxes get fucking crazy. I wish I’d been invited.”

“Take my invitation.”

Laila took a loud breath. “Mama Alvarez would have a cow if we bailed on her family trip.”

“If you don’t come they’ll probably stick me in a room with Hemmick,” Jean said.

“You could use the brea-eak,” she sang. “Also, see if they’ve picked up any new moves for finals.”

“Laila.”

She held up her hands in a placating gesture. “I’m kidding. Go. Have fun. Or you’ll burn yourself out and have to come back in the fall.”

Day 1

“An island? Seriously?” Thea stood with her arms crossed over her chest.

Kevin shrugged.

“I thought we were just flying somewhere tropical,” Jeremy added.

“Why are you all looking at me?” Allison demanded. “Neil’s the one who paid for this trip.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Neil said. “I recently came into some money.”

Jeremy sighed. “Right. N.B.D. I just rented an island.”

“Follow me.” A man in khakis and a polo shirt motioned for them. He had introduced himself as Frank as they boarded the small plane that brought them to their rented island.

It was a short walk through some trees and a large house came into view. There were gasps and one of the freshmen from the team said, “No fucking way.”

“Dude, how much did this cost?” Matt asked.

“Don’t worry about it,” Neil said, leading the way through the gate.

They walked past the pool and its fountains, up some stairs and through double doors. As they all stood in the foyer,  Frank smiled and said, “Right. Everything’s stocked. I’ll be back at the end of the week. If you need anything, call the number on the refrigerator.”

Neil handed the man a cash tip and thanked him.

Allison looked around at everyone. “There are ten rooms. Neil gets first pick, losers.”

“You mean Andrew,” Jack mocked.

It was quiet for a moment then at once everyone raced to find a room. Jean looked at Jeremy and said, “They’re fucking crazy.”

Jeremy laughed as they heard Dan yell, “I’m your damn captain!”

They followed the shouting and as they turned a corner Jeremy ran into Renee. They both apologized, looking like literal sunshine and Jean bit his lip.

“They’re the guests.” Allison was staring down one of her teammates. “They get the room next to ours.”

Jeremy realized she was talking about them and opened his mouth. Renee shook her head, a warning in her eyes. Someone stomped by and Allison grinned.

“Welcome to the third nicest - who am I kidding? - the fourth nicest room on this island!” She gestured grandly. “And that’s saying something.”

Nicky popped his head in. “Fifth nicest. Andrew and Neil gave up the first nicest so they have the second nicest, Dan and Matt have the third nicest, and you have the fourth nicest.”

Before Allison could demand to know who got the glass room on top if it wasn’t Dan and Matt, Nicky ran off.

Jeremy looked as if he suddenly remembered something. “Did you two wanna share? I can room with Nicky or whoever.”

Allison cackled. She left the room.

“We’re not -” Jean started.

“We were never dating,” Renee said.

Jeremy’s eyes were wide. “Oh, I’m sorry. I just assumed and uh, forget I said anything.”

Renee smiled kindly and backed out of the room. Jeremy looked at Jean who was staring at the one bed in the middle of the room.

“I can still room with Nicky if you’re not comfortable sharing,” he said.

Jean swallowed. “It’s fine.” He managed a small smile and said, “We share every other day of the year.”

After they unpacked, everyone seemed to congregate by the pool. Nicky and Andrew were situated behind the bar and Neil was perched on top, but everyone else was already swimming.

Jean glanced around nervously. Since joining the Trojans, he’d become a lot more self-conscious about the state of his body.

“You can leave your shirt on.” The voice startled him and he looked up at Neil, then glanced to see if Jeremy had heard as well. Then he realized Neil was speaking in his native tongue. “But nobody cares.”

Andrew spoke. “Ignore the freshmen. They’re idiots.”

“Where’s Kevin?” Jeremy asked, coming to sit at the bar.

“Fucking Thea,” a girl said, joining them. “I saw her take his shirt off but then they moved away from the glass.”

Aaron grabbed a tray of drinks from Nicky and sneered, “Do you have to be such a perve, Sheena?”

She stuck her tongue out at him, snagging a drink and flicking her wet hair at him.

“Like, Andrew said,” Nicky stated. “The freshmen are idiots.”

He mimicked Sheena’s face, nose scrunched and eyes narrowed, then asked, “What can I make for you?”

“Something that’ll make me forget I have my last midterm when we get back,” Jeremy grimaced. “Who gives a midterm after spring break?”

“I got just the drink for you.”

The sound of the blender going again cut off conversation. Sheena left to play chicken with her friends and Renee called Jean over.

“Don’t break anything!” Dan called from where she was laying out with Allison and Renee as Jean joined them.

“Here you go.” Nicky handed him a glass.

Jeremy held the drink up and studied it. “Are those silver stars?”

“Edible silver stars.”

Aaron came back with a tray in one hand and a girl’s hand in the other and said, “Nicky has to make everything gay.”

The girl hit his arm lightly with the back of her hand. She looked at Jeremy and held out a hand. “Katelyn.”

“Jeremy,” Jeremy said and shook.

“I made you both the same,” Nicky said, handing two more glasses over the bar.

“On three?” Katelyn suggested. “One. Two. Three.”

Everyone who had a drink took a large sip and more than one of them sputtered. “What the fuck is this?” Aaron gasped. “Did you just add ice and stars?”

Nicky shrugged. “Make your own damn drinks if you don’t like it.” He hopped over the bar and ran for the pool.

“You’re drinking this?” Aaron asked in disbelief and Jeremy turned to see Neil gulping it down.

After one large sip, Jeremy was already starting to feel warm. He took another sip, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. When he opened them he saw Renee running her hand down Jean’s bare back. How many times had Jeremy wanted to do the same?

He shook his head. He was such a lightweight. He’d never been one to party hard but he knew how to hold his liquor. The last year he’d spent more time studying and less and less time drinking and his tolerance was down. Clearly.

Day 2

By the second night, Jeremy was starting to realize the Foxes weren’t so different from any other college sports team if you took away the tragic backstories. Yeah, Jeremy would stick out if they all sat around and compared histories but - surprise, surprise - there wasn’t much talk about that.

Allison banned any talk of Exy and if she ever saw Neil and Kevin together she’d cock a brow and put her hands on her hips. Kevin would flip her off and she’d leave with a, “Fuck you. There are rules for a reason.”

It was making him miss his own team - the way they all fit together even when they shouldn’t.

Jean was there, but if anything he was part of the Kevin/Thea/Jean Former Ravens group or the Kevin-Neil-Jean-I-Was-Abused-By-Riko-Moriyama-and-Marked-For-His-Perfect-Court group.

He was different from a year ago when he’d first joined the Trojans but he still had his rough edges and hangups. And Jeremy saw it all.

Whether someone tapped his arm lightly without warning, or when he was flinching awake from a nightmare, Jeremy was there, trying to think of a way to calm Jean down without overstepping.

Jeremy had promised Laila he’d enjoy his spring break and be involved in all the fun things the Foxes did. Jeremy didn’t break promises. That’s why it was two in the morning and he was just starting to work on a study guide problem he’d left at five AM yesterday morning.

He groaned. Shots before homework wasn’t working for him.

“Jer,” Jean said, voice hoarse. “Come to bed.”

In his sluggish alcohol influenced state of mind, he almost thought Jean was asking him to come to his bed. His face flushed as he thought, What if Jean could read my mind and saw that?

He cleared his throat. “Soon. I’ll go to bed soon. I just need to finish at least three problems first.” Who was he kidding? He’d be lucky if he finished one.

“Okay,” Jean breathed, turning over and promptly falling back to sleep.

That was something that had surprised Jeremy. The way Jean could just sleep. He had expected his distrust to keep him awake at night. He guessed when you were tortured and worked to the bone, you had to take the sleep where you could get it.

Jean looked so cozy and peaceful, Jeremy wanted to be cozy and peaceful. He made the mistake of putting his head down on the desk.

He bolted awake when tentative fingers touched his arm.

Day 3

Jean flinched and Jeremy took a deep breath. “Sorry, sorry.”

“The others are going for a hike,” Jean said quietly though he offered a smile. “Apparently there’s a waterfall. Do you want to come?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jeremy responded, yawning and stretching. When he looked back at Jean, Jean quickly averted his eyes.

“They’re meeting by the pool.”

Jean hurried out, closing the door behind him.

Jeremy stretched as he stood. There was a crick in his neck that was making him regret last night’s choices.

He picked up a shirt off the floor and sniffed it. What did it matter? They were gonna get sweaty on their hike. He tried to shove away the thought of what would Jean think and changed into the shirt.

“Jer-bear!” Nicky greeted him as he stepped outside.

He squinted at the sun. It was only eight in the morning but it was already too hot. Jeremy couldn’t wait to get to the waterfall.

As they approached the start of the trail, two figures raced down the hill toward them. Thea pushed Kevin and Kevin shouted, “Hey!”

The two of them passed the sign indicating which way to go around roughly the same time and immediately Jean said, “Thea.”

“No one asked,” Kevin said, panting, but he didn’t look upset. “Besides, she cheated.”

“Prove it,” Thea said, hands behind her head as she gulped air. 

“Rematch.”

Nicky said, “Neil would beat you both.”

“With those little legs?” Thea looked skeptical.

“Show ‘em, Neil.”

Neil shook his head. “I don’t feel like it.” He paused and looked at Andrew. “I don’t run anymore.”

The way he said it gave the words weight and Jeremy felt like he was missing something. Neil and Andrew’s teammates groaned and Andrew looked unimpressed.

“That was really sweet, Neil,” Matt said.

Neil winked at Matt and Andrew muttered something that had him grinning widely.

“If we’re done with the cheesefest ...” Allison stomped past everyone.

The waterfall was breathtaking. Jeremy couldn’t believe something could be so untouched by man.

“What took you guys so long?” Thea called as she dunked Neil under the water.

Despite what he’d said about not running anymore, Neil couldn’t resist Thea’s challenge and they’d run ahead of the group with Kevin.

As some of the others dived in, Jeremy’s eyes searched for Jean. He was leaning down so Renee could rub some sunscreen on his face. Jeremy tried to stuff down the jealousy bubbling in his chest.

This wasn’t him. He didn’t get jealous. Certainly not of one the nicest humans to ever exist touching his teammate who clearly didn’t mind. He was about to turn away when Jean pulled his shirt over his head.

And how could he have such negative feelings when Jean was so obviously enjoying his spring break? After the first day, Jean didn’t even hesitate in stripping down and letting the others see him shirtless. As his roommate, of course Jeremy had seen him without a shirt, but it had been months before his first reaction wasn’t to cover up his scars. In the locker rooms, he always changed as quickly as possible and usually with his locker open.

Here, with people who had trauma, too, and who didn’t bat an eye when Jean took his shirt off, he was able to stop thinking about it. It made Jeremy sad that he wasn’t able to give Jean that around their team.

Jean turned around and Jeremy tried to pretend he hadn’t been staring. When he stood in front of him, he asked, “You okay, Jer?”

Jeremy swallowed once. He felt his cheeks get hot but hoped his sunburn hid his blush. “Yeah, just, um, enjoying the view.” He inwardly groaned. Jean had seen him staring at him. He scratched his cheek.

“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Jean said. He clearly meant the trees and the water. Jeremy was both relieved and disappointed. “See you down there?”

“Yeah.”

Day 4

Jeremy put on his noise canceling headphones and opened his textbook. He had to get this reading done. He wouldn’t allow any more distractions until he finished.

Not even a sleepy looking Jean poking his head into their shared room.

He removed his headphones and gave him a questioning look.

“We’re putting on a movie. Wanna join?”

Jeremy sighed. “Can’t. I should have finished this chapter two days ago.” Jean bit his lip, then he closed the door. “What are you -?” He sat on the bed.

“I don’t really like movies that much.”

It was a lie. Jeremy knew it was a lie, but he wasn’t going to argue. He remembered the look of confusion on his face the first time he heard Jeremy ask what movie the rest of the team would like to watch. He gave Jean a small smile before putting his headphones back on.

An hour later, Jeremy was lying beside Jean, who was dozing, his head on an open book. His head lolled to the side and pressed into Jeremy’s arm.

Jeremy froze and tried to keep his breathing even.

His eyes followed the line of Jean’s jaw. He liked this side of Jean’s face best. It wasn’t tattooed and it had less scars. He still liked the other side of Jean’s face - he liked his whole face - it was just easier to not think about the circumstances that brought him to his team when he could only see the right half of Jean’s face.

Day 6

“No studying tonight!” Allison yelled.

“But -”

“Jean told us you study every night after we go to bed,” she said. “It’s your last night. Enjoy it!”

Jeremy shot a look over to Jean at the bar who - was smiling? He shrugged at Jeremy before tipping back a shot.

Allison had made a list and passed it around to anyone who wasn’t a freshman. Any time one of the freshmen said or did something on her list, the others had to do a shot.

From the looks of things, Nicky, Dan, and Matt had gotten an early start on the game. Allison whispered, “Don’t worry if you can’t remember who’s who. Just drink when the rest of us do.”

Jeremy looked around at the team, then into the pool with its night lights on and glowing balls floating on the surface.

Renee came over and said, “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure no one drowns.”

When one of the freshmen girls made a pervy remark about Kevin, Nicky handed out shots. When one of the boys copped a feel off the girl and she pretended to be offended, he handed out two shots to every person. When a couple of the freshmen started making out, he got three shots - one for the act and two for the couple.

Things and time started to blur and Jeremy had no idea how much time had passed. They’d all eventually moved into the large house to get warm. Kevin and Thea had disappeared a while ago as had Aaron, Katelyn, and a few of the freshmen. Now Neil and Andrew were heading upstairs.

The music was loud, the lights looked brighter, and Jean was laughing. It almost made Jeremy smile, but then he realized he was laughing at something Renee had said. He wrapped an arm around her and leaned down so she could whisper something in his ear.

Jeremy left.

It was too difficult to watch and he didn’t want to say or do anything to embarrass himself. Allison grabbed his arm in the hallway and said, “You better not be going off to study!”

“No!” he shouted back. “I just need to lie down for a bit.”

Once he made it to his room and shut the door, it seemed uncomfortably quiet. He flopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling as his eyes adjusted to the dark.

Jeremy was generally a positive person, but as he lay there, thoughts of Jean and Renee swirled around his mind. They said they weren’t dating. They said they’d never dated, but the whole week it was almost like they were a couple. They went everywhere together and partnered for every game.

He fell asleep, his mind seeped in jealousy and booze.

He woke up when Jean stumbled into the room, holding something in his hand. He vaguely registered music still pounding in the hallway.

“Hey, sorry,” Jean tried to whisper. “Everyone is asleep.”

“Okay?” Jeremy said.

“Renee made cookies.” He offered out his hand.

Jeremy might have sneered. “Of course she did. She’s amazing. She’s an amazing person. She’s an amazing goalie. I bet she’s an amazing girlfriend.” He was still drunk. It probably hadn’t been that long since he fell asleep.

Jean looked confused and timid. “What’s going on?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Jeremy muttered, suddenly aware of how he must’ve come across.

“Are you jealous of Renee?” he asked, lips quirking.

Jeremy sighed and fell back on his pillows. “What? No ...” He looked over at Jean. “Okay, fine.”

Jean stepped closer and sat on the edge of the bed, looking over his shoulder at Jeremy. “Why?”

“Nothing,” he murmured, cheeks feeling hot.

“I’ve not been a good friend,” Jean said. “You’re just so friendly and easy going that I didn’t think you wanted me hanging around the whole week. And I figured Kevin would be taking up at least half your time.”

“That’s not - I mean -” Jeremy was at a loss for words.

“Then what is it?”

He threw an arm over his face, struggling to get a word out. 

“You guys are so close,” he finally said. “I guess I just want to be - close with you.”

“We’re roommates,” Jean said. “We are close. There’s no one I trust more.”

Jeremy sat up. “No, I’m gay.”

He shrugged. “Okay ... I figured -”

“I have these ... feelings ... for you ...” He knew his expression was pained and sad but he couldn’t help it. He had probably just ruined things between them.

“Why didn’t you just say that?” Jean asked as Jeremy’s head lowered and he shrugged. “I think I have ... feelings for you, too.”

Jeremy’s mouth fell open. “Really?”

Jean shrugged again, feeling self-conscious. “Yes. It’s why I’ve been hanging out with Renee so much this week - to get her advice about you.”

“I really want to kiss you,” he said in a rush. “I mean, if that’s okay.”

Jean held his breath, then nodded. Jeremy moved closer. Jean blurted, “I just - um, I need to set clear boundaries and I need you to respect them.”

“Of course,” Jeremy breathed. He watched as he bit his lip, looking like there was more he wanted to say. “Hey, it’s okay. You can set all the boundaries you need.”

Jean took a shaky breath. “I need you to take things slow,” he said, voice quiet. “I need you to be patient and not get mad if I can’t do - if I can’t -”

“Hey, Jean, you don’t need to do anything, alright?” Jeremy said. “You don’t need to explain yourself to me.” He reached out to take Jean’s hand but Jean flinched.

“I’m sorry, I -”

Jeremy held up his hand this time and slowly moved to grab Jean’s hand so he had time to move away if he wanted to.

“I’ve never - I don’t mean to flinch. It’s not you.” He lay down next to Jeremy and stared at the ceiling. Their arms were pressed together from their shoulders to their fingertips and after a minute, it started to feel comfortable. “I’ve talked about you in therapy because I wasn’t sure about what my feelings meant.”

He took long pauses between sentences but Jeremy didn’t dare to interject.

“Nothing that ever happened in my life ever was consensual.” Hard swallow. “Until you and the Trojans. I don’t know if I’m gay, honestly. I’m still figuring things out. Feeling anything confuses me. You’re the only person who offers something to me and lets me choose to accept it.”

“You noticed?” Jeremy was shocked.

“Of course I noticed. I was confused - at first - but it’s become everything to me. If this is too complicated I understand ... but I hope - I don’t know.” He sighed, frustrated with himself and everything leading up to this point that was making him unable to trust his own feelings.

Jeremy bit his lip. “I’m here. You’re worth the wait, Jean. I want to be the one you can figure things out with.”

Jean sat up. “What if - what if I’m wrong about this?” His voice was breathy and when Jeremy met his eyes, they were wet.

“Then we’ll stop and we’ll continue being friends.”

“I don’t even know if I can try.” Every fear seemed to be coming to the front of his mind. “What if I’m wasting your time?”

Jeremy sat up. “I don’t care. Can I hold your hand again?” Jean nodded. “If after everything, you decide you’re not gay, or you’re not into me, it will all be fine. I could never hold it against you. I care about you and nothing will ever stop me from caring about you.”

Jean’s gaze on his face was intense but Jeremy tried to keep an open expression. He meant what he said and he needed Jean to know that everything would be okay.

“Can I kiss you?”

Jeremy felt his eyebrows raise in surprise. “Please.”

Day 7

As they sat on the boat that would take them back to the mainland Jeremy couldn’t help the smile on his face. Jean was next to him, arm pressed right against his.

He looked behind him to where Neil and Andrew sat, space between them but hands linked on the seat. Andrew was looking off in the distance.

Jeremy opened his mouth to ask Neil a question when Andrew’s head snapped in his direction. “It’s 8:30, I have a hangover and you’re annoying me.”

“I haven’t done anything.”

“That smile on your face is making my hangover worse.”

Jean turned around. “Get used to it.”

1 Kevin/Thea 2 Neil/Andrew 3 Dan/Matt 4 Allison/Renee 5 Jean/Jeremy 6 Aaron/Katelyn 7 2 freshmen 8 2 freshmen 9 2 freshmen 10 Nicky

#aftg #aftg fic #tfc #tfc fic #jerejean #background andreil #background kevinxthea

[writingpuddle]

Hi hi hi so excited to see you updated! Was wondering if you could give me a brief refresh of Andrew and neils relationship in this series.. I remember the main plot points but I know I’m forgetting little things like if they had a deal I cannot remember what deal they’d struck etc - little things to put the characters back in the plot if you can - thank you!!

absolutely i can. spoilers below the cut

alright so we open up w neil at like, sixteen years old, and he’s already lost his mom and is chilling out in columbia being hella depressed running on the track team and mooning over exy from a distance. then he shows up to the changeroom after practice one day, and that sketchy exy goalkeeper is arguing with some loser from his team, and neils just ignoring it but THEN sketchy exy goalkeeper pulls a knife on this loser and neil interferes and manages to surprise disarm andrew

so obvi sketchy goalkeeper andrew is VERY intrigued by this mysterious junior and endeavours to corner him later and threaten him, which only makes it even WEIRDER because neil is like, oddly chill with being threatened with a knife. so neil is just planning to dip, because all this is very much a lot, but andrew catches up to him just before he skips town and offers him a deal that andrew will keep neils secrets in exchange for neil teaching him how to use knives.

after some agonizing, neil agrees to this deal on the condition that andrew tell him why he wants to learn how to fight, which leads to andrew telling him a little about his relationship with aaron.

so they carry on like this for a while and the conflicts keep escalating and andrew keeps showing up in the nick of time to save neils bacon (and also developing mad feelings, because duh). eventually the same loser from the changeroom fight ends up attacking neil because neil called him out on his shit and also sets fire to the school. there is much drama. in the fallout neil is trying to leave and andrew breaks and kisses him.

so neil is a bit stunned, but he sticks around and over the next week or so he decides he is definitely into this kissing thing and they become a thing. however, neil decides to renegotiate their deal on the reasoning that andrew is pretty good with knives at this point, and eventually andrew caves and agrees to relinquish his protection of neil on the condition that neil move into the house with the cousins for safety. neil reluctantly accepts this condition and they make a new deal, which is that neil will continue to spar with andrew in exchange for exy lessons.

so like, shits cute and happy for a while, and aaron kinda despises neil but nicky is just like. alright. third child. amazing, and basically imprints on neil. andrew and neil are still pretending that theyre not essentially just a married couple, but thats alright cuz theyre like. seventeen at this point.

then flatline happens, and riko kidnaps neil, and STRICTLY speaking andrew has no “deal” in place to go rescue neil, but uh. the idiot is clearly stupid in love and so he decides to go anyway, but plot plot blah blah plot andrew gets arrested and medicated and can’t come after neil.

cue a year and a half of hopeless pining at a distance, while simultaneously 100% denying pining is happening. andrew starts hooking up with roland on the side (its not like he and neil were dating or anything, whatever) and neil at one point tries to hook up with one of the ravens, but ends up bailing on it because kissing is yucky. kevin gets his hand broken and shows up at the foxes and andrew is very hostile for a while (because neil), but eventually caves to kevins offers of a deal (the standard one). meanwhile neil is getting highkey tortured on the reg and andrew is getting increasingly mad about what he’s hearing out of the nest, and well...the rests history

#spoilers #andreil #pressure points summary #thank u for this opportunity to ramble #feel free to send any follow up questions if i missed anything lol #my writing #asks #anons #Anonymous

[youknow-igetit]

A playlist for our favorite mafia sports gays. songs and the meanings below the cut

1. sex - EDEN

‘Cause you said it meant nothing And I should’ve kept my silence But I guess I’m too attached to my own pride to let you know That all these words meant nothing And I’ve always been this heartless And we’re just having sex, no, I would never call it love But love Oh no, I think I’m catching feelings And I don’t know if this is empathy I feel

“This,” Neil flicked his finger to indicate the two of them, “isn’t worthless.” “There is no ‘this’. This is nothing.” “And I am nothing,” Neil prompted. When Andrew gestured confirmation, Neil said, “And as you’ve always said, you want nothing.” Andrew stared stone-faced back at him.

2. Be Kind (with Halsey) - Marshmello, Halsey

I know you need, I know you need The upper hand even when we aren’t fighting ‘Cause in the past, you had to prepare every time, yeah Don’t wanna leave, don’t wanna leave But if you’re gonna fight then do it for me I know you’re built to love, but broken now, so just try I know you’re chokin’ on your fears Already told you, I’m right here I will stay by your side every night I don’t know why you hide from the one And close your eyes to the one Mess up and lie to the one that you love When you know you can cry to the one Always confide in the one You can be kind to the one that you love

“No one’s said a word to them since they said we couldn’t see you.“ Nathaniel’s heart skipped a beat. The heat that gnawed at his chest was an ugly mix of gratitude and shame. He tried to speak but had to clear his throat before trying again. “But why? I’ve done nothing but lie to them. I willingly put them all in danger so I could play a little longer. They got hurt last night because of me. Why would they protect me now?” “You are a Fox,” Andrew said, like it was that simple, and maybe it was. Nathaniel dropped his eyes and worked his jaw, fighting for a center he was quickly losing hold of.

3. I Think I’m OKAY (with YUNGBLUD & Travis Barker) - Machine Gun Kelly

I guess it’s just my life and I can take it if I wanna But I cannot hide in hills of California Because these hills have eyes, and I got paranoia I hurt myself sometimes, is that too scary for you? Watch me, take a good thing and fuck it all up in one night Catch me, I’m the one on the run away from the headlights No sleep, up all week wasting time with people I don’t like I think that something’s fucking wrong with me

“Trust you.” Andrew enunciated each word like he’d never heard them before. He laughed curled his fingers tight around Neil’s chin. “You lie, and lie, and lie, and you think I’ll trust you with his life?” “Then don’t trust ‘Neil’,” Neil said. “Trust me.” “Oh, but who are you? Do you have a name?” “If you need one, call me Abram.” “Should I believe that?” “I’m named after my father,” Neil said. “Abram is my middle name; it’s the name my mother used when she was trying to protect me from his work.” It was the name he went by at his little league practices so the coach would actually let him play. It was strange hearing it aloud when no one had called Neil “Abram” in eight years. “Ask Kevin if you don’t believe me. He would know.” “Maybe I will.” Neil waited, but Andrew didn’t let go. With so many people watching them Neil couldn’t lift his shirt. He did the next best thing and dragged one of Andrew’s hands under the hem. He pressed Andrew’s palm to the ugly scarring across his abdomen. Andrew’s eyes dropped to Neil’s shirt like he could see Neil’s marred skin through the dark cotton. “Do you understand?” Neil asked. “Nothing Riko does will make me leave him. We will both be here when you get back.” Andrew’s fingers twitched against Neil’s skin. “Someone lied to me. These ouches feel a little rough for a child on the run.”

4. Lover of Mine - 5 Seconds of Summer

Lead to where your secrets are Where we’ve been a thousand times Swallow every single lie Take all of me

When I take a look at my life And all of my crimes You’re the only thing that I think I got I right I’ll never give you away

“It’s always been ‘go’,” Neil said. He turned his hand palm-up and traced a key into his skin with his fingertip. He’d toyed with Andrew’s house key so many times he knew every dip and ridge by heart. “It’s always been ‘lie’ and ‘hide’ and ‘disappear’. I’ve never belonged anywhere or had the right to call anything my own. But Coach gave me keys to the court, and you told me to stay. You gave me a key and called it home.” Neil clenched his hand, imagining the bite of metal against his palm, and lifted his gaze to Andrew’s face. “I haven’t had a home since my parents died.”

5. Vowels (and the Importance of Being Me) - HUNNY

I was a queen last night I said “Take to the water” And let you drink my lies Like, “Okay, you’re right” You can’t spell pain or kiss Or run away or little mistake Without me, or A, E, I, O, U

“I’ll always have and be nothing.“ Andrew reached up and forcibly uncurled Neil’s fingers from his mouth. He pushed Neil’s hand out of the way and stared Neil down with nothing between them. Neil didn’t understand the look on his face. There was no censure over Neil’s crooked parents or pity for their deaths, no triumph over having backed Neil into admitting so much, and no obvious skepticism for such an outlandish story. Whatever this look was, it was dark and intense enough to swallow Neil whole.

6. BLUE - Troye Sivan

I can’t say no Though the lights are on There’s nobody home Swore I’d never lose control Then I fell in love with a heart that beats so slow I want you I’ll color me blue Anything it takes to make you stay Only seeing myself When I’m looking up at you

Nathaniel watched until the hotel disappeared out the window, then looked to Andrew and asked in German, “Can I really be Neil again?” “I told Neil to stay,” Andrew said. “Leave Nathaniel buried in Baltimore with his father.” Nathaniel looked out the window again and wondered if that was possible. He knew in a sense he could never really leave Nathaniel behind. Even if Stuart could talk the Moriyamas down, they’d all know Nathan’s child was alive and kicking. Nathaniel would always be a security risk to them. But the thought was thrilling and chilling in turns, and Nathaniel turned his hand over to consider his palm. He traced Andrew’s key into his skin with a bandaged finger. “Neil Abram Josten,” Neil murmured, and it felt like waking up from a bad dream.

7. Some Kind of Disaster - All Time Low

I wore the crown, I sold the lie I lived the life and paid for every crime, yeah It’s all downhill 'til it’s a climb Through blood and tears, but I don’t mind I’ll just keep singing on and on and on And it’s all my fault that I’m still the one you want 'Cause I’m a liar, I’m a cynic I’m a sinner, I’m a saint I’m a loser, I’m a critic I’m the ghost of my mistakes And it’s all my fault that I’m still the one you want So what are you after? Some kind of disaster

Andrew pressed two fingers to the underside of Nathaniel’s chin to turn his head. Nathaniel let himself be guided and said nothing while Andrew looked his fill. When Andrew dropped his hand and clenched it in Nathaniel’s hoodie, Nathaniel risked looking back at him. There was violence in Andrew’s eyes, but at least he hadn’t shoved Nathaniel away yet. That had to count for something. "I’m sorry,” Nathaniel said. Andrew’s fist went back, but he didn’t take the swing. Nathaniel knew it wasn’t because that was the hand cuffed to Wymack; Andrew’s arm actually shook with the effort it took to not knock Nathaniel’s head off his neck. Nathaniel said nothing to tip the balance either way. At length Andrew uncurled his fingers and let his hand hang limp from the cuff. “Say it again and I will kill you,” he said.

8. The Space Between A Rock and a Hard Place - 5 Seconds of Summer

Faded, I’m wrapped in your arms While you’re waiting to tear me apart With a last kiss, you leave me wanting more You, you’re a catch 22 Win or lose, I’m screwed I’m trapped under your spell It saves me, breaks me 'til I fall back to you You’re a catch 22

“You are a Fox. You are always going to be nothing.” Andrew stubbed his cigarette out. “I hate you.” “Nine percent of the time you don’t.” “Nine percent of the time I don’t want to kill you. I always hate you.” “Every time you say that I believe you a little less.” “No one asked you.” With that, Andrew caught Neil’s face in his hands and leaned in. Nicky’s drugged assault aside, Neil hadn’t kissed anyone in four years. The last girl was a scrawny French-Canadian who’d held him with just her fingertips and kissed like she was afraid of smudging her tacky-bright lipstick. Neil couldn’t remember her name or face anymore. He remembered only how unsatisfying the illicit encounter had been and how furious his mother was when she found them. That awkward peck wasn’t worth the punishment that had followed. This was nothing like that. Andrew kissed him like this was a fight with their lives on the line, like his world stopped and started with Neil’s mouth. Neil’s heart stuttered to a stop at the first hard press of lips against his and he reached up without thinking. His hand made it as far as Andrew’s jaw before he remembered Andrew didn’t like to be touched. Neil caught hold of Andrew’s coat sleeve instead and knotted his fingers in the heavy wool. The touch was a trigger. Andrew leaned back just enough to say, “Tell me no.” Neil’s lips were sore; his skin was buzzing. He felt winded, like he’d survived a half-marathon. He felt strong, like he could run another five more. Panic threatened to tear his stomach to shreds. Common sense said to refuse this and retreat before they both did something they’d regret. But Renee said Andrew regretted nothing, and Neil wouldn’t live long enough for it to matter. He hadn’t figured out which way to lean before Andrew pried Neil’s hand off his coat.

9. Medication - YUNGBLUD

You cannot pretend there’s no dirt on your shirt 'Cause that’s not how it works, that’s not how it works You try to perceive that you’re so squeaky clean But that’s not how it works, that’s not that’s not how it works

“I’m not going to apologize for thinking you’re being idiotic.” “Is your spine the spine of the righteous?” Andrew wondered. “Are you trying your best to step on my toes because you’re feeling the tragic weight of the holier than thou?”

10. Take Yourself Home - Troye Sivan

Talk to me There’s nothing that can’t be fixed with some honesty And how it got this dark is just beyond to me If anyone can hear me switch the lights I’m tired of the city Scream if you’re with me If I’m gonna die, let’s die somewhere pretty

“Don’t dismiss me for lying to you then ignore me when I tell the truth.” “This is not truth,” Andrew said. “Truth is irrefutable and untainted by bias. Sunrise, Abram, death: these are truths. You cannot judge a problem with your obsession goggles on and call it truth. You aren’t fooling either of us.”

11. Trouble Is - All Time Low

All that I know is I just can’t say no to you Funny how things never change All that I wanted was just to get over you Trouble is I can’t find a way You’re part of me

Andrew bit the question into the corner of Neil’s jaw. “Yes or no?” “It’s always yes with you,” Neil said. “Except when it’s no,” Andrew said. Neil put a plastic-wrapped finger to Andrew’s chin, guiding his head up for another kiss. “If you have to keep asking because—I’ll answer it as many times as you ask. But this is always going to be yes.” “Don’t ‘always’ me.” “Don’t ask for the truth if you’re just going to dilute it.”

12. Safety Pin - 5 Seconds of Summer

No more waiting, we can save us from falling This time, maybe this time We’ll safety-pin the pieces of our broken hearts back together Patching up all the holes until we both feel much better Deleted things, I really meant So now I’ll say the things I never sent

Neil remembered too well what it was like to say goodbye. He remembered what it was like saying hello again. A hint of Friday’s panic and outrage flickered in his chest, hot enough to burn the air from his lungs. He didn’t know what this thing between them was anymore. He didn’t know what he wanted or needed it to be. He just knew he had to hold on for as long as he could. “You are a mess,” Andrew said against Neil’s lips. “What else is new?”

13. My My My! - Troye Sivan

Spark up, buzz cut I’ve got my tongue between your teeth Go slow, no, no, go fast You like it just as much as me Now, let’s stop running from love Running from love Let’s stop, my baby Let’s stop running from us Running from us Let’s stop, my baby Oh my, my, my! I die every night with you Oh my, my, my! Living for your every move

Time was nothing. Seconds were days, were years, were the breaths that caught between their mouths and the bite of Neil’s fingernails against his palms, the scrape of teeth against his lower lip and the warm slide of a tongue against his. He could feel Andrew’s heartbeat thrumming against his wrists, a staccato rhythm that echoed in Neil’s veins. How a man who viewed the world with such studied disconnect could kiss like this, Neil didn’t know, but he wasn’t going to complain. Neil had forgotten what it was like to be touched without malicious intent. He’d forgotten what body heat felt like. Everything about Andrew was hot, from the hands holding him down to the mouth steadily taking Neil apart. Neil finally understood why his mother thought this was so dangerous. This was distraction and indiscretion, avoidance and denial. It was letting his guard down, letting someone in, and taking comfort in something he shouldn’t have and couldn’t keep. Right now, Neil needed it too much to care.

#andreil #andriel #andrew minyard #neil josten #aftg #aftg playlist #andreil playlist #ship playlist #all for the game #aftg quotes #all for the game quotes #the foxhole court quotes #the raven king quotes #the king's men quotes #'for baltimore' by all time low was a contender but uhh... the name seemed insensitive #other songs that i was gonna do but didn't was 'i love you' by billie eilish and 'anarchist' by yungblud #and i nixed anarchist because its a lot more about the characters singularly and not about them like as a relationship #I have been working on this playlist for weeks

[xlady-saya]

if magic exists, you’re the closest thing [fic]

Relationships: andrew/neil, jerejean, side aaron/katelyn, side alvarez/laila

Summary: The concept of love is not one Andrew understands.

For a long time, it escaped him. It's always fuzzy, always distorted. He'd given up on it long ago, so why is he still chasing answers?

Whatever the reason, he's content to blame Jean Moreau for a lot of things, Katelyn too.

It's their fault he's here, at the happiest place on earth.

Tags: disneyland fic, andrew thinks a lot about love, fluff, comfort, references to canon abuse/past

Read on AO3!

Andrew never liked the concept of time travel; there’s no one distinct moment he’d go back to personally, no tragic world event he’d try to stop like in the movies.  

However, due to today’s events, he might just forgo that opinion to say he’d gladly go back to make sure Disneyland never existed.

Then, maybe he wouldn’t have to listen to Kevin’s nagging.

"You two cannot blow off Jeremy Knox!" Kevin rages, hands planted on the kitchen counter as Neil deftly works around him. Andrew's not quite sure what he's doing; he asked Neil for some ice cream a few minutes ago, and the sounds of clattering dishes and spoons are way more interesting than whatever Kevin is saying.

Andrew leans back into his beanbag chair, content to demolish Aaron in Mario Kart in the meanwhile.

"Yes we can," Neil says, like it's the simplest thing in the world. Andrew almost smirks.

It is; there's no way in hell Kevin's making them go to Disneyland on top of scouting recruits in California. Andrew doesn't understand why Queen Day can't just make another pit stop in Los Angeles after visiting the other recruit he has lined up in Washington.

Andrew exhales slowly, trying his best to keep his attention on the screen while he thinks about Neil. He's not sure when that became so difficult.

Alas, Andrew knows why he's being forced back to California. Neil cares far too much about Exy and his duties as vice-captain to miss out on something so essential. He picked out some of these recruits this time around, and he wants to see them in action. However, in this case it's not even one of his picks, and all they need to do is drop off paperwork. Neil has been trying, futilely, to convince Andrew he doesn't need to come.

The consideration is appalling. Andrew's grip on his controller is enough to make the plastic creak. Neil knows all too well California is a sore spot for him, but not the area they're going. Andrew couldn't care less.

Besides...Andrew's not letting Neil travel that far all alone.

Nothing, not even his past, is going to keep Andrew from going with him to make sure he doesn't die or worse. It wouldn't be a problem if Kevin were accompanying him, but he's got his own recruits to scout.

Neil is capable, Andrew thinks. He doesn't need protection, but it won't stop Andrew from offering it.

He chooses not to think about how one day, he'll have no choice but to stay behind. One day, he'll live apart from Neil and have to trust that he'll be okay.

He swallows down the dread he doesn't want to acknowledge, and claims first place.

"Motherfucker," Aaron spits, but immediately clicks the next level for them. If he can sense Andrew's mood, he doesn't comment, but...this helps.

And then he hits Andrew with a blue shell, and Andrew has to wonder why he shared a womb.

Andrew channels the uncertainty elsewhere, like kicking Aaron's ass and listening to Neil wave Kevin off. The rest of the time, he blames his nerves on the five hour flight he'll have to make in the very near future.

"We're not going," Neil says again, firmer this time. It's a tone that always sends Andrew's protective instincts into overdrive, Neil's temper flaring. But, it's just Kevin, which means there's more amusement than danger at play here.

Neil simply doesn't want to deal with it, so Andrew finds his voice. "Fuck off."

Kevin sputters, no doubt whipping around to where Andrew is sitting. He's not sure why Jeremy Knox is so set on taking them to Disneyland, but Andrew doesn't care enough to think about it. He's trying to do the bare minimum on their trip, and the USC Trojans are trying to make life difficult.

As Kevin groans on, Andrew hears the slightest indication of Neil stepping towards him. Neil's walk is distinct, in that it's nonexistent. Andrew often tests his hearing on how well he can sense Neil's approach.

And then, Neil is in front of him, and the world narrows until it's just Neil, crouched down with a bowl in his hands. Andrew hates what he's begun to call the Neil Effect, since it really has no concrete explanation, at least not an acceptable one. He gets second place in the game, and ignores Aaron's gloating for once. He'll get him back later.

There's something proud in Neil's eyes, self-directed, and that's when Andrew looks down to the bowl of ice cream.

Ah, now he remembers.

They hadn't been able to go grocery shopping, so the only thing in the freezer was boring vanilla. Disappointing, but Andrew's sweet tooth didn't care at the time. He needed dessert, no matter how lackluster.

However, this isn't just vanilla ice cream. There's large chunks of Snickers and peanut butter cups mixed in, haphazardly so, but well enough that someone obviously put in the effort.

Someone being...

Andrew looks between the bowl and Neil's steadily brightening expression, unwilling to linger on the fact Neil took the time to become a Cold Stone apprentice for the sole purpose of pleasing Andrew. It's all a waste though, because when he takes the bowl from Neil's hands, the reluctant words come out anyways.

"You're it for me."

It's not really a confession, since Andrew has known this for a while, but it still stings his pride a bit.

Neil blinks at him, tilting his head in that way that has Andrew glaring extra hard. "Hm?"

"Nothing."

He shoves the biggest spoonful he can manage into his mouth, and deserves the icy burn he gets for it.

Thankfully, before Neil can pry, Kevin is back at it again. Andrew's not sure if it's for better or worse.

The Queen himself rounds on them, blocking the television. "One of the best strikers from one of the top teams invited you to hang out for the day," he says, solely at Neil. He knows well enough that Andrew doesn't care about ranks. "How does that not excite you?"

An appropriate question, though. Why wouldn't it excite Neil?

"I don't know anything about Disneyland."

Neil plops down next to Andrew, indifference well conveyed. However, Andrew knows better. The restlessness in Neil's muscles is slight, but not surprising. There's a lot of things Neil doesn't know about, and while he normally wouldn't care, the idea of a place known for crowds of people probably isn't something Neil wants to explore.

It's not like the striker grew up with any exposure to the hundreds of movies or songs.

"It's an amusement park you loser," Aaron chimes in, and Neil scowls at him. Andrew pauses mid bite, surprised. A little. His brother's brand of comfort is the exact opposite of the what the word entails; it's a contrary, scathing thing, nearly as bad as Andrew's. But Andrew can detect it still, and that was definitely it.

Not that Neil would know though. The striker crosses his arms and sticks out his tongue, but Aaron's attention is already on getting Kevin the fuck out of his way.

"I don't care, I don't want to go," Neil responds petulantly, the words eaten up by the harsh impact of a pillow hitting Kevin's stomach.

At least he moves enough for Aaron's game to resume.

In the middle of Neil's protests, the door opens, admitting another one of Andrew's problems.

And she's unpredictable on top of it.

"Hi sweetie," Katelyn calls, punctuated by the slam of the front door. Andrew tries not to cringe at the name, nor his brother's dreamy sigh as Katelyn waves at them all. She walks over to kiss Aaron on the cheek before her attention is back on Neil's constipated face, which she blows past without a second thought. Oh, to be a cheerleader. "Go where?"

Kevin tears his gaze away from Aaron at the reminder. "Neil, you have to go to Disneyland, just fucking deal with it. You might be able to get some helpful pointers from Jeremy. Plus, don't you want to check on Jean?"

A cheap trick, and one that absolutely sours Andrew's mood despite the sweetness in his mouth. The protective itch is back from hearing Moreau's name, and he tugs Neil a little closer out of necessity.

Another reason for them not to go: Andrew's not sure he can stop himself from murdering the ex-Raven. Victim of Riko or not, he'd put his hands on Neil.

"If he wasn't doing okay I'm sure he would've reached out on his own," Neil counters, seeing through Kevin's appeal to sympathy. Neil, while he gets along with Jean better now, doesn't worry about him nearly as much as Kevin does.

Kevin can visit him then, if he's so curious.

As if Andrew said the words aloud, Kevin's stare intensifies. "Are you kidding--"

"Wait," Katelyn interrupts without care, and Andrew actually looks at her. He's been giving her that privilege a lot more now. Not everyone is dumb or brave enough to cut Kevin off, and even the striker looks impressed. Andrew's immediately thrown by the quality of her stare, the determination. Neil makes a strained noise in the back of his throat, and well, he does know Katelyn better. "You guys are talking about Disneyland? Like...Disneyland Disneyland?"

The existence of a knock-off Disneyland is certainly a topic Andrew will explore with Neil later.

"Oh no," Aaron whispers, and that's all the warning they get.

Neil leans further into Andrew's personal space, almost guarding. Like he senses the catastrophe too. "Uhh, yeah?"

Katelyn screams.

Andrew's hand on the back of Neil’s neck keeps him from jumping out of their seat, but Katelyn's got a one track mind as she rushes for him, plopping down on the ground as Aaron checks his ears for ringing.

The only satisfying part is that Katelyn pushes Kevin out of the way in the process. He goes reeling back with a yelp, very unbecoming of royalty.

"Oh my god! Neil you have to go, it's so fun!" Katelyn cheers, clapping her hands together softly. She chooses then to show Neil her backpack, adorned with about 100,000 Disney pins. Just an estimate.

As if Neil knows what any of them are. Neil barely blinks at Elsa's face before Katelyn's back to talking his ear off. "I've been trying to get Aaron to go with me for months but we don't ever have the time. I have a super long list of stuff I want! If I give you the money will you get them for me?"

Katelyn bites her lip rather hard then, like she almost let a 'please' slip, and Andrew doesn't try to think about the consideration. Katelyn clasps her hands together instead, like a plea.

Andrew figures the only reason her forehead isn't on the floor is because she knows better than to have any faith in a boys' dorm room.

"Whoa, whoa," Neil says, raising his hands in the face of Katelyn's puppy eyes. "I'm not going--"

The puppy eyes turn into those of a Rottweiler. Andrew doesn't know why all his previous judgements are being so twisted on this mediocre Thursday night, but whatever.

"Neil," Katelyn breathes, patience tested. "It's the happiest place on Earth."

Andrew's eyes flit to Neil's, communicating the same thing: bullshit.

Neil's confused expression falls into downright boredom, watching Andrew swirl the remains of his dessert. "Katelyn, I don't know how to tell you this, but I actually don't care."

Aaron wheezes at the same time Katelyn deflates.

"Josten--"

"B-but..." Katelyn turns her shining eyes on Aaron, cutting off his warning like a shiv. Andrew almost doesn't want to watch his brother be this pathetic. "Aren't I right, babe? Neil just has to experience it, he has to!"

Andrew hears Kevin open a bag of chips.

"I--um," Aaron tries, glancing between Neil and Katelyn's pout. It takes him about...two attempts to make words. "Yeah Josten, you have to."

"Wow," Kevin mutters, off to the side.

Neil glares at Aaron's weakness, but he had to know Aaron would be useless from the start. Aaron can't say no to his girlfriend.

What a loser.

"Katelyn, I'm not going," Neil tries again, dutifully not looking at the Disney-vomit backpack Katelyn keeps inching closer to him. "Andrew and I are just stopping by to drop off paperwork for one of Kevin's new recruits and that's it."

Kevin takes a deep breath, like he remembers he started this argument in the first place, but is cut off by Katelyn's backpack hitting the floor.

Neil is the only one who seems to take it as a threat, and he holds up a hand for Kevin to shut up. Now, Andrew knows most mafia movies are unrealistic and stupid, but he thinks he's had enough actual exposure to make a good guess.

This feels like some kind of standoff between two troublesome redheads, and he meets Aaron's confused stare with his blank one.

He wishes everyone would get out of his dorm.

"Okay, I get it," Katelyn says slowly, words spaced out by deep breaths for effect. Andrew would think she's a theater major, not biology. Neil watches Katelyn's hands fold in front of her, eyes hard. "I didn't want to have to do this."

Neil quirks a brow, somewhat amused.

"Neil."

"Katelyn."

"You owe me," she says, and the room freezes. Owe. Haha. That's a very dangerous word to toss around in the presence of Andrew Minyard, especially concerning his boyfriend who he's sworn to protect. Andrew turns on her with a frown, but she's undeterred by his ominous stance, fixed solely on Neil. "From the time. With the thing."

Katelyn flips her wrist back and forth then, an almost meaningless gesture, and no one knows what she's talking about

Except for Neil.

The striker's face goes red, and Andrew chooses then to squeeze the back of his neck tighter. Neil's not panicking, Andrew knows, but it's an instinct. Katelyn's smug smile is starting to piss him off, and he shakes Neil sharply.

"Neil," he says, voice even despite the tension in his limbs. "What--"

"We're going to fucking Disneyland," Neil says with a groan, slumping into the edge of the beanbag chair. He looks far from distressed, more...like he's been bested.

Katelyn cheers, jumping up to hug Aaron, who still has no idea what's going on.

Same.

"I'll get my list ready!" Katelyn rips out her science notebook, nearly tearing some neatly written equations. Not that she cares, in the moment. "Oh Neil, you're the best!"

Andrew drags Neil by the chin until their gazes meet, and Andrew hates when Neil looks sheepish. It means he's up to no good. "Neil, she can't force you to--"

"She's not forcing me," Neil sighs, tugging Andrew's sleeve until he lets their fingers link together. Neil's smile is rueful as he slots his eyes over to where Katelyn is scribbling on her homework, and he makes sure no one is watching when he slides Andrew's hand against his cheek. "Trust me when I say...I made the bed I'm about to lie in. I honor my deals too. Okay?"

Neil is such a problem, because he knows Andrew too well. He grinds his teeth, but he comes up with no argument. It's Katelyn, so it's not like the deal Neil made is anything life threatening or degrading, but Andrew's curiosity is annoying regardless.

Maybe when his pride dies down a little, he'll ask.

"Whatever you say," he scoffs, but keeps Neil's hand tucked against his side. "I still didn't agree to--"

Andrew looks down to where Neil fiddles with his shackle bracelet, still shining around his wrist because of how well the striker takes care of it. Neil tilts his head, and oh, oh no.

Andrew glares at the offending gift, given by his own hands and delicately tied around Neil's wrist. If he knew it would be this much of a weakness, he would've thrown it in the ocean.

"Andrew?" Neil asks, squeezing his hand, and Andrew doesn't know what to do other than curse Katelyn, himself, and then Walt Disney.

"I hate you," he mutters, and Neil's all too happy to hear it.

--

It takes Andrew about five minutes or so to determine that Jean Moreau is in love with Jeremy Knox.

It takes even less time for Andrew to decide he doesn't give a fuck. In fact, Andrew's not sure why he notices in the first place. He doesn't care about those things, but maybe it's just that they're so obvious, Andrew's can't help but pick up on it.

The long glances, the way Jeremy keeps reaching up to fix the stupid headband on Jean's head...

Gross.

The landscape in Andrew's mind has a tremble in it today, so there's no way for him to tell for sure why the two of them are so apparent to him. The air around him gives him a lot of things to linger on; disjointed laughter, cheery music, and less upsetting, the smell of fried desserts. It ties a rope around his brain and leads him in different directions, leaving only Neil as his weight. No wonder the Jean Moreau shitshow managed to slip in there somewhere.

Andrew doesn't even have the energy to be annoyed at that, at his inability to reign himself in and decide what to cast aside or focus on. His gaze scans the massive crowd in front of him, behind him, painfully aware that he's surrounded.

That Neil is surrounded.

He sighs, and the sound makes his boyfriend flinch in relief. Like he forgot Andrew was there, and is now all too happy that he is.

Calm down, junkie.

Andrew's fingers itch for a cigarette, but that ship had sailed as soon as he stepped through the Disneyland entrance. He thinks this, but he's actually not particularly anxious. He's not Neil, who needs to know all the quickest ways out of a place and who takes a large crowd as an invitation to slip in and disappear.

That's mostly where the itch comes from, Andrew realizes with only some irritation; he's hyper-aware of Neil, and all his reactions. The striker keeps glancing around at the streams of people, the bright colors and signs inviting them to a landscape with no laws or reason.

It should be everything Neil hates, and Andrew watches his blue eyes trace the cobblestone and directories.

"Beautiful isn't it!" Jeremy gestures to the road leading up to main street, and some of the tension in Jean's shoulders notably dissipates. "Did you know Disneyland brings in an average of--"

"50,000 people a day," Jean deadpans, as if the thought still makes him queasy. He gets a genuine laugh out of Jeremy for it, so Andrew guesses that was the point all along.

Andrew remembers everything, and he did not need that useless fact. But alas, now it's stuck.

Neil's body is surprisingly still beside him. Calm.

Andrew pauses, waiting for Neil to show some sign that he can't handle this. It's not a reflection of any kind of weakness Andrew thinks he has, he simply knows that sometimes Neil pushes himself where he shouldn't. Andrew considers this a loophole in their non-finalized deal. He lets Neil fight his own battles, but Andrew is not afraid to step in and put a stop to the ones Neil doesn't know he's in.

But, to Andrew's unintentional relief, Neil doesn't look two seconds from a panic attack. The striker’s face settles into a deadpan expression, a habit stolen from Andrew himself. There's no tremble, or fidgeting, or sign to tell Andrew to drag Neil back to their hotel and hole him up there.

Neil simply looks fucking done, and Andrew couldn't agree more.

Their unfortunate companions are there to remind them it's only the beginning.

"Oh my god, what should we do first?" Jeremy Knox babbles, stupid Mickey ears on his head, and Andrew watches with only some amusement as Neil leans back an inch in fear. The striker never did know what to do with genuinely happy people. Katelyn, he's come to understand based on the things they have in common. Their protective instincts and tempers ghost over her sheltered lifestyle and talkativeness, though Andrew still doesn't get how Neil stands her. Renee he simply hadn't trusted; Neil had seen the darkness beneath the smiles, but in time, he'd come to trust and value her as well.

Jeremy Knox is a different story, and currently even Andrew doesn't know how to feel about him. Such optimism and ignorance to the real world are things Andrew would normally write off in a person, but there's something swimming beneath the surface in Jeremy Knox's eyes that has him rethinking.

In short, Andrew gets the vibe that if pushed far enough, Jeremy Knox might actually have the capacity to snap over Disneyland. Disneyland.

That kind of madness is something Andrew can't help but recognize in people, and he keeps an eye on Neil as a result. He should've known; who gets custom Disney ears the color of their fucking school?

"Uh..." Neil tries, but he's apparently speechless. Andrew reaches down to tug on Neil's belt loop, and he won't ever say it's out of comfort. Neil takes it like one though, scooting closer, and the urge for nicotine is less powerful for a moment.

There's no avoiding it, and he despises feeling trapped. They're going to have to spend their whole day here. It really isn't their kind of place, but Andrew has not right to wonder how they got roped into this.

Andrew glares at Neil’s bag. He didn’t bring it for them.

That's why they're here, because Neil has a two-page souvenir list in his backpack courtesy of Aaron's girlfriend.

Andrew's scowl returns at the memory, and he turns it on Jean.

Just because.

"Jean, what's your favorite ride?" Jeremy asks, eyes shining. Neither Andrew nor Neil asked for the recommendation.

"Indiana Jones," Jean answers, seemingly without thinking too hard on it, and his eyes shine when Jeremy beams.

"Mine too!"

Gag.

Andrew's opinion of Jean Moreau has not improved over the past year. Andrew promised Neil he wouldn't confront the man while they were actually at the park, but it's a talk Andrew will eventually have if he has anything to say about it.

He's different though, that much Andrew can tell. The backliner still curls in on himself, making himself as small as can be despite his height. The tattooed '3' is dark against his pale skin, but the sun has taken out some of the starkness. Jean always keeps his hands in front of himself, as if ready to guard against an attack, but his shoulders are less stiff around his new team.

They're observations, nothing more. Andrew couldn't care less about Jean Moreau's life or happiness. It's all his own to deal with, but Andrew cannot ignore the changes, since they mirror Neil's own.

Speaking of Neil...

He's still trying to find a polite way of telling Jeremy he has zero clue about what Disneyland has to offer, and Andrew notes that Neil must've sensed it too: Jeremy's batshit opinion about this place. Otherwise Neil would never hold back the usual bluntness.

Andrew would pay to see it.

Jean tugs one of Jeremy's Mickey ears, gesturing to the entrance. "The girls are here."

Neil's demeanor breathes a little when he sees Laila and Alvarez approaching; he likes them, and even Andrew knows they're not nearly as annoying as their teammates. They're walking hand in hand, the same Trojan ears glistening on their heads.

What is it with these people?

Andrew lets the greetings fall into the background, but can't say he feels awful when Laila cracks some dumb Exy pun, making the edge of Neil's lips twitch in a smile.

Another thing the girls have to offer: they seem to know when Jeremy is about to launch into another tirade.

"Jeremy cool it," Alvarez says, holding Jeremy back by the hoodie before he can get anywhere further into Neil's bubble. "Neil's not going to remember everything about all the different sections, just let him explore."

For a split second, Jeremy's face scrunches up, like he ate something foul. "He needs to know not to go to....that place."

Laila rolls her eyes. "You mean Star Wars--"

"Stop."

Laila turns her aggravated stare on her girlfriend, but all Alvarez offers is a shrug. "He's right."

Neil turns to Andrew as if he'll understand, but he does not.

Jeremy's eyes flit around the park to all the decorations, the crowd a sea of Mickey ears, planning out where to drag them. And the rest of them allow it. Team dynamics don't interest Andrew much, but they're not following Jeremy out of fear. They're treating this journey, along with Jeremy's eccentricities, as inevitable and maybe even endearing.

Andrew wants to leave.

Then Jeremy gasps, staring down at his empty hands. "Neil, you and Andrew have never been here right? Maybe I should've gotten you a map, for the experience, you know?" Then Jeremy tilts his head up, in that haughty way Kevin might after lecturing them on an exy skill he acquired. "It's fine though, I know where everything is. You're in good hands!"

Andrew seriously doubts that.

"Oh, that reminds me!" Jeremy says, plopping his giant backpack on the floor. Andrew wonders if he packed for the possibility of them being stuck there for eternity. It's a gift for Jeremy Knox to be able to make Andrew's day that much worse. He pulls out two custom sets of ears from his backpack, styled in white and orange. Palmetto colors.

No.

"You guys can match," Jeremy says with a wink, and Neil looks torn. On one hand they're orange, on the other hand they're absurd.

But of course, Neil's obsession wins over, and he grabs for a pair of ears without hesitation.

Andrew can't.

"I'm not wearing those," Andrew states, uncaring of how the rest of them flinch. Neil's the only one not surprised, but he's giving Andrew that face, and Andrew has to hold himself back from telling Neil to stop.

We're in public, control yourself.

But Neil just sighs, fixing the ears to his head. They clash with Neil's reddish-brown hair, bright and sparkly.

Andrew hates being gay.

He ignores Jean's glare as Jeremy holds the other pair of ears to his chest. More evidence, Andrew realizes, and the pathetic kind too. Jean can't stand the thought of someone hurting his not-boyfriend's feelings.

"O-oh," Jeremy says, but his smile is back, undeterred. He spins to face Neil, who miraculously, doesn't flinch. "Well, I guess I'll wear them then! Neil, you and I can match! I don't want you to be alon--"

The stream of consciousness in Andrew's head comes to a jarring halt, tires screeching.

Unacceptable, absolutely not. He doesn't even have a moment to think about why, or stop himself from being so ridiculous.

He snatches the ears from Jeremy's hands and puts them on, refusing to meet Neil's smug stare.

"Shut up."

And thankfully, Neil does, but others do not.

"He's as bad as you babe," Laila whispers behind him, and he practically feels the heat radiating off Alvarez.

"Can it."

Andrew catches Jean's sigh of relief in his peripheral, and isn't quite sure why he agreed to not kill him in the happiest place on Earth.

"You guys look great!" Jeremy comments, but Andrew is already walking ahead, eager to be anywhere else.

That, and he's pretty sure the churros are this way.

Neil keeps up with him easily, given his strong legs, even knowing Andrew is deliberately trying to not look at him. Neil's gaze is a warm, affectionate thing, one Andrew will never be used to. Neil's so distracted, he almost trips, and Andrew hooks his arm around Neil's waist to right him. They're connected for merely a second, but Andrew's arm feels like it's on fire.

"Focus," he growls, but Neil doesn't take it as a threat. He never does.

"Mm, I can't," Neil says. "I like them. I like them on you."

"They're hideous."

"So our uniforms are hideous?"

"Yes."

They reach the churros, and Neil buys him three.

Jeremy starts to babble again as Andrew digs in, and Andrew can't help but notice he buys Jean one without being asked. The ex-Raven doesn't look super pleased with the sweetness, but he eats it anyways.

And throughout all the chatter, Jean won't stop staring right at Jeremy.

Why does Andrew keep noticing? He might just be able to blame Katelyn for that too.

Ever since he picked her up from Eden's, she's been responsible for a lot of unacceptable thoughts in his head. All because of one, stupid line of reasoning.

"I know, I know a lot of people use the word and they don't mean it, or they don't act like it but...that's on them. That's not real love, the actual thing, the definition. Just because people use the word incorrectly doesn't mean the feeling isn't real."

Real love. Already, there's so many things wrong with that phrase. Katelyn doesn't see it as subjective, Andrew doesn't see it as anything at all. Devotion, protective, consideration...they are all things people would perhaps put towards the definition, but they neglect the absences as well. Absence of hurt, of blame, of judgement.

That's the half so many people don't get right, and even if they do, Andrew cannot see how it could be wrapped up in a word.

He watches Jean sigh and lean into Jeremy's sphere, and thinks of how his brother looks at Katelyn. It's eerily similar.

Andrew would not use the word love normally, so he reaches in to pluck Katelyn's idiotic definition out from the past to see if it applies. The pretty parts are there; Jeremy is constantly aware of Jean's presence, careful to steer him to the edges of crowds, to check if he's alright. On the opposite end of things, Jean just looks like he'd burn the so called happiest place on Earth to the ground if it meant being able to listen to Jeremy's prattle.

He's not willing to analyze much more than that, not with Neil by his side. It puts pressure on the stone in him, dropped there by Katelyn that night at Eden's and steadily growing with every moment he spends around his boyfriend.

"I think we should definitely go on Indy though," Jeremy says, leaning in to take a bite of Jean's churro. It's so stupidly romantic Andrew wants to vomit. "I want to see Jean get scared again!"

The girls smirk, though a minute later Alvarez is teasing Laila just the same. Jean's face is colored red, not with shame, but innocent embarrassment. Not becoming of a Raven, but then again, Jean never wanted to be one.

"I was not scared, I had never been on the ride before!" Jean crosses his arms, and his teammates look at him in the way the Foxes look at Neil. Complete adoration.

"It scared him to death," Jeremy says to Andrew and Neil, trying very poorly to whisper.

And, without breaking eye contact with Jean, Andrew says: "If only."

Because really, if only.

Jean's the only one besides Neil who takes the statement as intended, as in completely seriously. The backliner's face goes white, staring at Andrew and waiting for it to be a joke. He has to know deep down it's not.

Jeremy holds his stomach from how hard he's laughing. "Ha! You're a riot Andrew," he wheezes, and Neil regards him as neutrally as he can. It's hard, when Jeremy sounds like a dying seagull.

Andrew pulls out his phone, avoiding Neil's gaze. Technically, he only promised not to physically confront Jean at Disneyland, nothing else. "That's me, comedy king."

Without looking up, Andrew opens his notes app and sidesteps Jeremy until he's closer to Jean. He has no qualms about calmly typing out the words 'I despise you' before showing it to him.

Honestly, no other Raven is this easy to read, but Andrew supposes it has more to do with Jean's complete revival than anything else.

Jean reads the message, blinks, looks at Neil as if to confirm his suspicions, and then nods slowly.

Well, now he knows. It'll be a good way to put a pin in things for now.

When Andrew walks back over to his churro holder (see: Neil), the redhead is shaking his head, grin way fonder than it should be.

--

It takes around fifteen minutes for them to ditch the group, and for Andrew to stuff his pair of ears into Neil's backpack to never see the light of day again.

It's absurdly easy, they barely have to duck into the crowd or put their heads down. Despite Jeremy's insistence that Andrew and Neil see all there is to see, he'd hardly taken his eyes off Jean. In fact, the two are so engrossed in each other they barely notice the girls, who seem to weirdly not mind.

Jeremy is the talker, and Jean is only too happy to go along with it, soaking in every nonsense opinion even when he seems to not understand the relevance or importance. Andrew wonders if this so called 'love' truly makes people that uncaring, but then again, he knows it does. He's watched his brother fawn over every dumb little detail of Katelyn's life. Once, she'd gone on a ten minute tangent about her colored pencil coordinated note taking system. Aaron had been fascinated, not because he cared about the content of the words, but because of Katelyn herself.

Andrew doesn't understand, but his mind conjures up the image of Neil peeking over the top of a bus seat, the hours floating by.

They find a good spot to sit down on Main Street near the castle, perfect for the people watching Neil likes to do. Andrew's on his third churro with a fourth lined up, and if Neil's wallet is crying about it, he doesn't seem to mind. The striker's legs dangle lazily from the bench they're on, swinging in time with the cheery music blaring through the speakers. Andrew brought him here to escape the crowd; Neil always preferred to watch, to catalogue the different types of people. Disneyland, at the very least, should have an interesting variety for Neil to judge and pick apart for the nonsensical survival guide in his head.

Page ninety-two: signs of regret-filled parents. That's how Andrew would guess it's organized.

But no, Neil's staring right at him. Andrew could feel it mid chew, the striker's gaze penetrating and brighter than any of the thousand balloons he's seen flying around.

Andrew managed to hold out for about half a churro, no longer, before giving in.

Neil's triumphant smile is an indication he was all too aware of the game.

"Are they good?" Neil asks, and it's enough to make Andrew pause. He watches the way Neil adjusts those stupid ears on his head, the way he licks his lips to mimic the place Andrew assuredly has sugar on his own.

Rather than answer, and before he does something stupid, he shoves the end of the churro into Neil's mouth. It's not an uncommon occurrence.

Neil barely yelps before dutifully taking a bite. Andrew waits for the usual scrunch of his nose, the disgust at the sweetness. Still, Neil will never refuse something Andrew offers him.

"Not bad," Neil says, chewing slow. There's sugar on his lips now too, and Andrew realizes he made an error. "Still too much sugar."

Unheard of. There's no such thing.

With a scoff, Andrew wipes the excess sugar off Neil's lips with his thumb. "You disgust me, Josten."

It doesn't sound as convincing as it used to, and Neil's triumphant smile only grows wider. Only then does he sigh and lean back, staring into the sea of people who love wasting money. Andrew will never get the fascination.

There's a good distance between them on the bench which Neil hasn't tried to close, and won't until Andrew says otherwise. Andrew's not in the mood to feel his weight, not today. It wasn't brought on by anything specific, but Neil abides like he always does.

Neil doesn't seem any less content.

"I can't believe they haven't noticed we're gone," the redhead says, far from disappointed. The relief is something Andrew can relate to. It's been about an hour, and they've done nothing, but Andrew knows he's having a better time this way.

The last thing he wants is to watch Jean and Jeremy obliviously flirt and fawn over one another with no outlet. Andrew's not sure if they'd be worse if they were actually dating, and part of him considers just dropping the bomb on them to ruin any kind of movie moment they might have at this godforsaken place.

"I can," Andrew mutters, but doesn't elaborate. He's sure Neil hasn't actually noticed the pining, not with Andrew nearby, and certainly not with everything else going on. He doesn't need to know, because then they might have to talk about it.

Andrew doesn't have all the words for that yet.

Neil hums, interpreting the words in his own way. "Jean does seem...better. I guess he would be more focused on his friends. At least now Kevin will stop complaining, I'll get to tell him Jean's doing just great."

The topic of Jean Moreau isn't much better.

He's not able to keep all of his glower locked down, and he ends up making a passing school teacher flinch. "I don't care how he is," he says through his teeth, and Neil stiffens.

Yeah, wrong thing to bring up. Not as bad as the times Neil will drop his mother into conversation, but not good regardless.

Neil sighs, fiddling with his bracelet again. It's what he does when he wants to touch Andrew but won't. "Andrew, Jean is--"

Andrew turns the intensity of his stare on Neil. They've had this talk before, and he's not trying to bring it up again. Contrary to what other people may believe, he's not adverse to having difficult conversations with Neil. Arguments, even.

They happen, but...

There's something about it; Andrew won't say it's comfortable, but he simply knows it won't change anything. He and Neil disagree sometimes, but it seldom turns into a screaming match or the silent treatment. More often than not, Andrew's willing to keep coming back to a topic if it means they reach a compromise. He doesn't yield that way for anyone else, but Neil doesn't make it feel like submission or defeat. It's why it doesn't make Andrew nearly as antsy as he originally believed it would, when they started their this. For them, it's problem-solving.

This however...this is one thing Andrew can't excuse. Not yet, maybe not ever. They keep having to step away.

"Don't," Andrew says. Neil's eyes hold no fear, and they shouldn't. Andrew's not saying it unkindly, it's the truth. "Whatever you say will not change my mind. Not with this."

Not when it comes to people hurting what's mine.

Andrew's hands curl into the edge of the bench, the splitting wood a comfort. He's strong, his hands have the power to kill, to fend off. Why that's so important in this moment...

When Neil still doesn't look like he understands, Andrew reaches forward to flick the shackle pendant around his wrist, almost on instinct.

And well, guess it's become a weakness for them both.

Neil sighs, and bites his tongue in a rare show of restraint. The striker keeps back every counterpoint and argument, which he surely has handfuls of, and puffs out his cheeks. Any other moment it would be...maybe not so annoying.

But not cute.

Some of the trembling in Andrew's frame leaves; he's not dumb enough to think this is over, Neil is too stubborn. But for now, the striker accepts it.

Though, not without being infuriating. Neil's gaze pierces him, sticking Andrew to the spot.

"I'm safe with you Andrew," Neil breathes, and Andrew's not willing to acknowledge how Neil quickly aims for the root of the problem. It's a spike through Andrew's chest. Again, Neil races ahead of Andrew's own thought process at the most random times.

So that's it. Andrew thinks. A promise.

It won't happen again. Neil has no way of knowing that, but he wants Andrew to believe it; nothing will hurt Neil so severely again because Andrew won't allow it. Andrew will thrash and bleed before it happens again, but Jean Moreau is a reminder that it can, even when most of the guilt falls on a dead man. There will always be others, lurking in the shadows. Weapons, threats.

But still, with all his paranoia, Andrew can't even tell Neil to be quiet, because to refute such a statement feels wrong in a number of ways. Neil's trust is something he earned.

Andrew hums instead, and refuses to repeat the obvious. Instead, he pushes Neil back by the shoulder, his back hitting the bench and forcing Neil to loosen up.

Better.

"I can't believe a place like this exists," Neil sighs, giving into the calm Andrew lends him. Andrew's not sure if he means it from the perspective of a runaway or not. Disneyland would be an enigma to most people with Neil's past.

"You don't feel happy?" Andrew says with a sneer, taking in the fighting families and crying children. He knows there's equal parts people smiling and having fun, and he's choosing to center himself on the negatives, but he's not in the mood to apply Bee's advice for once.

"Well if I did it would be because of you," Neil says, grin smug from the stare Andrew turns on him. No one needs his sappiness. "But I don't really like that word."

Haha.

Andrew pokes Neil in the leg, more like a jab, and Neil jumps. "Stop stealing my lines."

Neil snorts. "I just meant in terms of this place. Doesn't it feel untrustworthy from the get-go if you advertise your park as the happiest place? It can't actually be."

It's amazing how hard Neil's brain works when it comes to unimportant topics. "Careful, if Jeremy hears you he'll have a meltdown."

"That would be interesting though."

"And potentially homicidal."

Andrew makes a note to bring Kevin if he ever has to return here. Kevin won't be able to keep his distaste hidden, and he'll get to really test the Jeremy Knox theory.

"Have you ever been to an amusement park?" Neil asks a moment later, voice low. Treading lightly.

It's not a particularly bad memory for Andrew though, and he only shrugs. He's no longer shocked about how much he talks to Neil. It's easy, not draining.

"Mostly for school, I wouldn't waste time with the rides," Andrew says, and feels the memory of old dollar bills in his hands. Sometimes he'd be lucky enough for his foster homes to provide him money for food, sometimes not. "Carnivals were easier. I could just go off and find some abandoned corner to smoke or wait it out."

No one ever cared to come looking for him.

Despite his sweet tooth, he seldom had the actual money to spoil himself with the fried foods either. He makes up for that now, obviously.

Speaking of, he wants a frozen lemonade at some point.

Neil's eyes are devoid of pity, but Andrew knows he could quickly turn that understanding gaze into a rage-fueled one if he chose to provide any of the details.

He doesn't. He never enjoyed things like amusement parks, and he doesn't mind either way if Neil does, but part of him is simply at ease, here on this stupid bench.

Neil's protection can't reach back into the past, no matter how badly the striker would like it to.

"Everyone always talked about Disneyland as the best place in the world," Andrew offers instead, waving his hand around. If anything, the sheer size of the park is the most impressive thing about it. The other kids in his classes couldn't let it go; family vacations, dream dates, etc.

The hype around the park never died down no matter how Andrew aged.

Compared to Neil sitting next to him, the park is without.

"And your verdict?" Neil asks anyways, because he tries not to assume when he can.

Andrew's not sure why his heart reacts the way it does to that.

Neil's stupid ears pair with his Palmetto hoodie perfectly, and he looks like the pumpkin Cinderella would've taken to the ball. The fierceness of him isn't softened in the slightest by it though, his vulnerability comes from his eyes, the way all his alarms become inactive in Andrew's presence.

Andrew craves it, this complete, unyielding trust.

He hates how Neil can make any situation interesting.

"It's annoying," Andrew eventually says, rolling up his churro wrapper into a tight ball. He misses the trash can when he tosses it, and ignores the disgruntled stare he gets for it from a park worker. "Not awful."

Neil straightens up, too proud of himself. "Are you saying that because of the churros or because I'm here?"

"Be quiet."

Neil, because his death wish inclination isn't as active today, doesn't point out the non-answer. The striker just hands him money for another churro, though he's considering beignets.

Neil watches the way Andrew stares at the money, seemingly content to allow Andrew this indulgence. "I remember kids talking about it when I was younger. I could never understand why such a crowded place could be so fun. Much less the lines or overpriced food. But..."

Andrew clutches the money tight, but it's a poor substitute for Neil's hand. "But?"

"But well, it's not like I ever got the chance to try it out." Neil gestures to the precise decorations, the ornate buildings, and his eyes flit down the trolley lines like they remind him of a destination far worse. Andrew never asked Neil if he train hopped before. Neil sighs, his nose scrunching from the sweet, candied scents in the air. "Maybe I would've loved it. Then I'd be a lunatic like Jeremy."

It's meant to be a joke, but Andrew understands. That's the strangeness of the unknown. Had things been different, had they been raised like anyone else, there's no telling what they could've been like.

But things weren't different. Andrew isn't foolish enough to reflect on the past with bitterness or entertain what he could've been like if only. The asinine exercise would do nothing for him, for his future.

The future he's coming to anticipate and accept, because Neil also refuses to look back. It's still a globby, hard to see mess right now, but the more days pass with Neil by his side, even it begins to take shape.

But he doesn't have room in his chest to say all that, so instead he tugs on Neil's headband again. Snug.

"You're already wearing the ears," he drawls. As if Neil forgot, his hands fly up to tug on one of the ears, and Andrew is helpless to save the image forever.

"I should probably take them o--"

"No."

Just...no.

It's hard to make Neil blush, but when it happens Andrew makes sure to catalogue it. He watches the color spread on the bridge of the striker's nose, and then Neil laughs, a light and fleeting sound. Andrew hears it over everything else.

Neil turns on the bench, hugging his knees to his chest, and Andrew is moving to face him without thinking about it. "I feel like...if the others were here they'd say we're wasting the opportunity," Neil muses, pursing his lips. "Like we should be going on rides and watching shows."

"That's everyone's problem then," Andrew waves the thought off, tracking Neil's lips. He's not ready for a kiss, but he's warming up to the idea.

But, Neil seldom brings up things pointlessly with him.

"It is," Neil agrees, and Andrew presses his thumb into the crease of his boyfriend's brows. Neil doesn't flinch. "But they might be right. I guess I can't expect to have the same opinions now as I did as a kid on the run. I should at least be able to say, yeah I went to Disneyland slightly more adjusted and I still don't see what the big deal is."

Ah, the point emerges. Andrew will admit...

"You don't seem anxious," Andrew observes, because he expected Neil to be very nervous.

Neil tilts his head, and Andrew has to make him stop doing that. "What?"

Andrew leans back, and Neil follows the touch instinctively before getting a hold of himself. "If you really felt you were wasting time, you'd be all fidgety and irritating."

"I didn't say I felt like I was wasting time, just that I maybe should," Neil sighs. Andrew isn't sure what he means, but he doesn't have time to think about it when Neil's impish grin comes back. "But no, any time I spend with you isn't a waste."

Andrew leans in, slow and insistent, and lets Neil tense in anticipation of a touch, a kiss. Then, Andrew pushes his face away. It's what he deserves, and Neil bites his tongue.

Huffy.

Neil slumps back, but the pouty thing he's doing dampens the scowl. He needs to not spend so much time with Katelyn.

"You've become a sap, rabbit."

And it's dangerous for both of them. Andrew doesn't mean for the words to come out so light, but what's the use in correcting himself?

"I get it from you," Neil shoots back, and oh, now he chooses to read Andrew's mind. At the twitch of Andrew's mouth, Neil smiles, the kind reserved for Andrew and Andrew alone.

Andrew's nerve endings are still a little fuzzy, but he tugs Neil's sleeve until he follows. He brings Neil close enough to feel Andrew's heat, to smell the cinnamon. This works, for now.

And Neil, despite being somewhere people dream of visiting, looks totally focused on him. When he gazes down the trolley lines again, the expression is much more promising.

"Who knows? It might be fun if we went now, with all the foxes," Neil wonders aloud. "Not sure, since I think the closest thing to a ride I've ever been on is a train, and not legally."

Well, there's the train hopping question answered.

But that's it, he supposes. He feels nothing about this place, or any amusement parks for that matter. Even in his tumultuous childhood, he experienced them, never understood the appeal.

Neil's never had the opportunity to try. He's never been able to form an opinion.

Andrew thinks that's at least one aspect of his freedom Neil should have, even if it is something so trivial.

Andrew sighs; what has he gotten himself into?

Neil Josten is a whirlwind of an individual, but he's Andrew's.

That's what Neil would say, without hesitation, every time.

'But I'm yours.'

Andrew really does need a cigarette, but that frozen lemonade will have to do. He stands up, making a show of brushing himself off. He can feel the tilts of Neil's head behind him, for fuck's sake.

"C'mon then," Andrew says, turning around to adjust how crooked Neil's headband is. Another problem he didn't need, but it's too late now. Damn merchandise. When Neil still makes no move to get up, Andrew tugs his bangs. "Let's go on a ride."

Neil's jaw opens and closes, but Andrew is already turning away from him. Neil's fast, he should be able to catch up. "W-wait, are you sure?"

Neil scrambles to his feet, and Andrew can't look directly at him. He's sure there's something bright and shiny swimming in those eyes right now, and that's far too much.

He tries to go through his mind for what he knows about Disneyland, and asks himself if he's in the mood to be up high.

No, not today. Neil has him feeling far too much already.

"I think the Matterhorn is enclosed," he says, in lieu of an explanation, and knows Neil will get the meaning.

Neil grips the straps of his backpack, reigning in the energy as best he can. Andrew wonders when he'll work up the nerve to tell Neil he doesn't have to when it's like this. Even without touch, Andrew promised to take everything Neil had to offer.

He's not sure if Neil can sense the feeling, but his face softens anyways. "Okay...yeah!"

Neil falls in step beside him, and Andrew revises his previous statement with only mild displeasure. He doubts he will ever have enough of this.

--

The Matterhorn was, what a shocker, a bad idea.

Andrew will never say he tries to make his driving a comfortable experience, but he knows his road raging still would've been a more pleasurable time than being thrown around on that poor excuse for a ride.

The bumpiness of the Matterhorn was also not helped by how tense he was; he felt like a cutting board in a blender, trying to force away the unrealistic thought of Neil flying off the edge and plummeting to his death during the whole two minute affair.

A forty-five minute wait for two minutes of back pain that'll last the rest of the day.

"Well that sucked," Neil says with a wince, stretching out his back slowly. Andrew pointedly looks elsewhere. "Why do people do this for fun? I feel like my spine got ripped out and then put back in the wrong way."

Andrew wants to tell him to stop being so dramatic, but for once Neil's words are accurate.

They tried. No one can say they didn't try.

"Nevermind you were right," Neil says as Andrew orders them a lemonade to share; Neil ignores the glare Andrew gives him for chugging the first half in one go. Neil sighs from the rush of citrus, placing the cold cup to his forehead. "Can we go home?"

"Doubtful, unless you want to walk," Andrew sighs. He retches the lemonade away from Neil, pushing away his grabby hands. An admirable tactic, but fruitless. "I knew carpooling was a stupid move."

"Hey, we take offense to that."

Neil tenses on instinct, like the hypocrite he is. He's so used to being the shadow, the nosy meddler who overhears everything. Andrew would think he's more than deserving of being on the receiving end if he wasn't so annoyed himself.

They turn to find the girls grinning ear to ear, and Andrew notes right away how there's no smiling bundle of 'I love Disney' with them.

Jean and Jeremy are nowhere to be found.

How 'bout that.

Alvarez unlinks her arm from her girlfriend's to ring out her damp shirt; Andrew notices they're soaked from head to toe, sneakers squeaking from their drenched socks. It makes Andrew grimace on the inside; it should feel atrocious, but the girls are beaming.

"So you two do act like a couple," Laila says, and Andrew's not sure he gets what she means. He does decide she's his least favorite of the two though. "I had some doubts."

Andrew couldn't care less about that, but Neil's a different story. Defiantly, Andrew silences his boyfriend before he can even go on his tirade by shoving the lemonade back into his hands.

An acceptable sacrifice; Neil's aware they don't seem like the stereotypical couple, but he hates having his feelings doubted.

He hates it even more when people doubt Andrew's, and Andrew pushes the thought of Katelyn's suspicious expression at Eden's out of his mind.

What other people assume about him is not his problem.

"Why didn't you just buy him his own lemonade?" Alvarez asks, her eyes flicking over Neil's expression. He's calming down, but the aggravation is there. Guess not all the Trojans are oblivious.

Andrew takes the bait for what it is, no energy to be contrary.

"Neil doesn't need that much energy, and he'll drink mine no matter what because he's annoying," Andrew says, and sure enough, he hears the slurp behind him, an alert that Neil basically sucked down the rest of his drink.

One down, several to go.

"It's true, I am," Neil chimes in at that, refreshed. It's then he actually seems to pay attention, scanning the girls from head to toe. "Why are you guys all wet?"

Laila claps a hand over Alvarez's wolfish grin before she can even respond to that, and Andrew is glad. He really didn't want to hear it.

At least Neil would get the joke this time.

"Splash Mountain," Laila replies hastily, like they have any clue what it is. "Horrible build-up, decent pay-off. Jean hates it though so it's the best way to make sure we don't run into them."

At her own words, she checks behind her, like Jeremy Knox can appear at the mere mention of his not-boyfriend.

They probably shouldn't stay in the same place too long.

"Outside Star Wars anyways," Alvarez adds, prying Laila's hand off her mouth for .2 seconds.

"Hush, he'll hear you!"

Then, Alvarez must lick her girlfriend's hand, because the goalie retches away with a disgusted yelp. "Hey! Gross!"

"Wow, you don't love me."

It's punctuated with giggles, and Andrew stuffs his hands in his pockets; why that word decides to plague him today, he's not sure. He wouldn't say the girls act as useless as Katelyn and Aaron do, but their dynamic is still distinct.

Affectionate.

Andrew turns his hard stare at the ground. No, no. It's still not right.

Neil, oblivious to Andrew's plight, squints at the empty space where Jean and Jeremy should be. "Wait...you guys ditched them too? Why?"

"They had the same idea as us," Andrew mutters, but Neil's lightbulb still hasn't gone off.

Laila's grin is as sardonic as it gets. "Ah, so you noticed?"

Andrew doesn't respond. He's steadily reaching his word quota.

Knowing the only chance of Andrew saying anything is by asking himself, Neil turns to him, too searching. "Noticed what?"

And oh, Andrew can't avoid talking about it after all, can he? He's not sure why he doesn't want to, there hasn't been much cause for concern with Neil lately. Not for months. Maybe not ever, but Andrew had been in denial there for a while.

Perhaps Andrew just hates being in this limbo, where he doesn't even know how he feels about a topic yet. It's happened before, but it's no less disconcerting than the other times. The jealousy, the concept of understanding, their first time...

His mind, a traitor, reminds him none of those situations ended horrifically.

"Moreau is in love with his captain," Andrew mutters, and watches the moment Neil blanches. No stopping the floodgates now. "Original."

Something in Neil's gaze twitches. Andrew's hasn't seen the look before, but it's surely not good for him or his pulse. Andrew turns his stare to the ice cream cart in the distance, but his sweet tooth is done for the day.

Another unfortunate reality.

"God, so they really are that bad," Laila groans. "For a second there, we thought it might just be us."

Alvarez scoffs, crossing her arms and putting all her weight on Laila. It must be a common occurrence; Laila huffs, but makes no move to push her away.

"We've been trying to get them together for ages," Alvarez continues, twirling her finger around like a never ending cycle. "We ditch them literally every single time in the hopes they finally have their moment."

Both their expressions fall then, truly defeated. Laila sounds at her wit's end, and Andrew feels little sympathy. "But, no such luck."

Andrew can't even begin to pick apart how uselessly optimistic that is when idiots are concerned, but Alvarez seems to be tracking his every movement for some type of reaction. He should've never said anything, but she'll learn soon enough; he's not an easy read, despite a hot-headed outlier.

Neil blinks at them, a complex math problem with cliche romantic plots instead of numbers. "They're...into each other?"

The look he gets from the girls is similar to the pitying ones he gets from Allison whenever he says something particularly misguided about fashion.

Laila puts her hand on Neil's shoulder, patting him slowly. "Oh Josten, your face right now tells me all I need to know about you."

Then, the double shot of pity is poured right down Andrew's throat.

"You got an oblivious one too huh?" Laila says wryly, and Alvarez chokes.

"Hey."

Andrew won't dignify that with a response, but he figures it's obvious anyways.

Laila snorts, tugging on Alvarez's ear lobe. "But yeah, Jean totally wants to husband Jeremy. It's so painful. Disneyland is supposed to be romantic, but--"

Alvarez finishes the thought with a fart noise. Andrew's not sure why he speaks up, the conversation is so beneath him, and he blames Bee. He never used to talk so much before he realized that it actually helped his mind move down the endless river.

"Movie moments like that will never happen," Andrew says, nothing condescending or dismissive about it. It's the truth; he learned long ago that the grand gestures people expected seldom come to fruition. They could sit Jean and Jeremy at the table for two with violins playing around them and it most likely wouldn't do any good.

People won't do anything until they're ready to acknowledge how they feel, and even then they might not. Andrew never thought that was such a bad thing; shutting down a feeling, weighing the pros and cons of a decision until ultimately trying to be rid of it.

It was better that way.

He knows though, had he never let that go, he wouldn't have Neil next to him.

He also knows Bee would call that a good thing, the release of a way of thinking that he's yet to acknowledge as completely outdated.

None of that realization shows on his face.

"You sure sound fun," Alvarez mutters, but she's smiling in a way Andrew hates.

"Andrew's the funnest person I know," Neil adds, unhelpfully adding to the upbeat of Andrew's heart. If Neil could stop ruining the English language on purpose that would be great.

The girls wait for Neil to reveal it as a joke, but seconds of Neil's blank stare kill any chance of laughter.

No, Neil is completely serious. And maybe he's right, after all the good Trojan captain himself did call Andrew a riot.

Laila purses her lips after a moment. "Right..."

"Anyways, you better get a move on if you don't want to continue enjoying your date," Alvarez says, glancing behind her suspiciously while checking her watch. Laila's hand entangles in her girlfriend's, and Andrew notices the charm bracelet there. He wonders if it's a gift from Alvarez.

He's seen a similar, custom one on Katelyn's wrist for the longest time. He's about to ask himself why people are so obsessed with buying jewelry, before realizing he's in the same boat.

When did he come to permit this?

Ugh. He's not running around that particular race track again. "It's not--"

"We're going to go get drinks in the Star Wars cantina," Alvarez interrupts, hastily beginning to tug her girlfriend in that direction. Guess it's later than she thought. "Jeremy will come this way soon. He has a very specific itinerary."

Of course he does.

"Any...slow ride suggestions?" Neil asks before they go, and Alvarez squeaks when she runs right into Laila's strong back. Neil steadfastly ignores the glare Andrew sends him, though if they do have to go on more rides, Andrew would prefer something smooth.

The Matterhorn can burn.

"There's the storybook ride?" Laila says, pointing behind them down the path. "Or It's a Small World?"

Alvarez huffs. "There's a joke there somewhere..."

Andrew doesn't mean for it to happen, but his memory is a steel trap, with a layer of unpredictability wrapped around it. He can't stop it, can't turn it off. For the briefest of moments it brings him the image of a homely kitchen in California, his fingers tracing the carvings in the table while he watches Cass cook dinner. It smells good; he remembers. Of course he remembers, the dish, the ingredients, down to the stains on the tile and which cabinets were open.

The song Cass hummed from between her lips.

He'd never heard the real song, never cared to look it up online or search up the ride itself. But he knows the name, knows the tune.

"What's that?" Neil asks, and whether he means to or not, his voice pulls Andrew out of it. Not even just that...Neil has a way of firmly planting Andrew in this new reality he's forged and tailored.

For the better, Bee's voice reminds him.

Laila smiles, no doubt connecting the ride to memories of her own. Happier, softer memories. Andrew could have those too, if he wanted. It would just take some revision, overwriting. "It's just a boat ride, and it kills time for sure."

Just a boat ride. That's all.

Neil nods, turning to Andrew while the girls walk away. It's getting later; Andrew can tell by how blue Neil's eyes get, highlighted by the darkness. They're haunting in a way, like the unexplored bottom of the ocean. Horrific things lurk in the depths, but there's something pleasant about them too, calming in their mystery. Maybe because to Andrew, and only Andrew, it's familiar territory. Andrew has never felt that level of ease from something, but Neil's stupid expression is too soft when he speaks. "How about it?"

How about it? Hm.

Andrew looks off into the direction Laila pointed in, debating on if he should put himself through that. Is he ready to put himself through that?

He could take this step, he reasons. He could try to overpower the terrible memory with one of Neil, with the feeling of his weight beside him. Is it worth it? Will it work?

No, he can't think of it like that.

It won't erase anything; Andrew's not so naive to think he will ever be rid of the image in his head, the sound of Cass's voice. But...maybe he could make the crystal clear image blurrier, faded around the edges until his mind wavers, until he can no longer make out the scenes as well as before. Instead, his brain will default to Neil in the future. Whenever he hears the cheery tune, Andrew will think of his stupid headband and sugar-kissed lips.

Stronger, sturdier memories.

He's allowed Neil to implant them before, and it hasn't backfired. The process is not always easy, or without pain, but it's been worth it every time. Andrew sees no reason to mess with a working strategy.

Andrew grabs Neil's wrist, the firmest contact they've had all day, and something in him sighs at the same time Neil does.

He leads the way.

--

As soon as Andrew hears the tune as they enter the tunnel, he wonders if he made a mistake. Not because of the memory, though that's definitely there. No, it's the tune itself.

The music is loud, repetitive, with no lull. He's not sure how someone can work on this ride and not quit immediately. He should've expected it though, so the blame is on himself. It won't be over anytime soon either. The boat they're in is moving at an agonizing speed, but it's a relief for his back. The slow glide makes him painfully aware of the soreness in his legs, the heaviness of his eyelids.

The spotlights are pointing at the monuments and walls, leaving the riders in the shadows. If Andrew squints, the people in the boats ahead of him look like nothing more than silhouettes for the briefest of moments. Unreal, specters.

The song continues, and Andrew reevaluates. It's too late to get off the ride, and the song might be called fitting; there's a weird eeriness to it, along with the surreal feeling of the park noises being completely blocked out. It's silent, for being so loud, so irritating. But after a while he's sure he'd become numb to it, and then what would be left?

All he can hear other than the singing is the gentle slosh of the water and the occasional hushed voices of the people in front of them. Like the wind. He feels like a ghost on the ride, wispy and drifting in and out of centuries. The tune is ageless, has probably been around for decades, long before Cass started to hum it.

Somehow, it's a comfort. Cass had been insignificant, another way to separate her memory from the ride itself.

Some of the tension leaks out of his shoulders, and having Neil beside him lessens it further. There are two free seat rows in front of them; the line hadn't been too long at this time of day, and Andrew feels an inkling of gratefulness.

It's the closest thing to privacy they've had all day, he realizes, and some of the fuzziness from earlier dissipates. The static in his brain has had time to even and sizzle out; it's taken hours for him to get to this point, but when Neil lets a quiet 'yes or no' pass between them, the answer is easy. Certain.

Andrew pulls Neil against him, and Neil follows it up by entangling their fingers together. He hardly hesitates anymore, doesn't treat the gesture like something with an expiration date. Andrew privately thought it would be the case, but...he's yet to be tired of it.

It's not so rare anymore, holding Neil's hand.

They pass the first display of dancing puppets, just as the song repeats 'it's a small world after all' through the speakers. Andrew can feel Neil's wry smile before he sees it. "It really is a--"

"Finish that joke I'll kill you."

Neil throws his head back in the first sign of genuine joy from a ride, and Andrew thinks this is already better than anything else they'd previously done. It's less intensive, with just enough chaotic energy to appeal to Neil's sense of humor.

They're not the type of people usually caught dead on these kinds of rides, but the creepiness feels warmer than any of the other joyful displays Disneyland had to offer. Neil's laugh echoes off the high ceilings, and he smothers it quickly.

But Andrew's mind remembers, and he plays the cut off sound on a loop far more intense than the tune of the ride itself. He mixes them together, until they can't be pried apart.

When they pass the German section of the song, Neil looks at him expectantly, and the look Andrew gives him is unimpressed. Mischief dances in his boyfriend's eyes anyways, and again, it's not cute. It's not like Andrew is going to suddenly start singing along just because it's in German. Though, Neil's reaction might be worth it.

Neil critiques the lyric translation anyways, like it's not the simplest song to mass produce.

"This isn't so bad," Neil sighs as they pass under another archway to a different section of the very small world. His finger is starting to tap along on the back of Andrew's hand, and he's not sure if he should put an end to it before it gets stuck in Neil's head. Then he'd have to hear Neil humming it over and over, and while not as traumatic, there's only so much Andrew can take.

"Other people would probably call it torture," Andrew says, gesturing to the lifeless faces of the puppets. He wonders if there's any conspiracies about this ride online, he's sure Neil would get some morbid kick out of them.

"Wimps," Neil replies haughtily, and no, Andrew's pulse does not jump. “I’m a torture connoisseur.”

He bastardizes the word so bad Andrew almost feels bad for France. Almost. When did Neil start thinking he was funny?

"That's not even remotely how you say it." Andrew untangles their hands purely for the purpose of flicking Neil's earlobe. Neil grabs for it again as soon as the punishment is doled out.

Junkie. "You speak that language..."

But Andrew's accusations mean nothing to Neil, per usual.

"I'm dumb remember?" Neil reminds with a shrug, and Andrew grits his teeth. He's still unsure how he feels about this; Neil's mind is vast when it comes to a lot of things. Languages, math, world knowledge, how to kill a man, basic things.

But otherwise...the ignorance can be...

Attractive.

Andrew almost gets off the boat from admitting it to himself. Dumb jocks with runner's hearts is a type he guesses, and it happens to be his.

Or, scratch that. Neil can't possibly fall into a group. Had more than one Neil existed, the mafia would've surely met their demise as a whole through a combination of violence and general dumbassery.

"You milk it on purpose," Andrew decides to say, because Neil does. Because no, Neil's far from dumb, he just knows what gets under Andrew's skin.

Neil chooses not to respond to that, predictably.

"It's just not as bad as I expected," Neil continues, leaning his head against Andrew's shoulder. He gives a long sigh, and Andrew's sure it can't be comfortable. As at ease as he is in Neil's presence, there's always a hardness there, a tension coiled in his body. Yet, Neil leans into him like a pillow and seems to cherish the steadiness.

For a while, they just listen to the song.

Andrew's not quite sure if he agrees with the message, but he doesn't care in the moment. He's come to acknowledge lately that he shares quite a bit with other people, much to his chagrin. Though in the grand scheme of things, he's eons away from them all.

Primarily, he doesn't like to think he could replicate this...feeling, whatever it is.

Certainly not enough to assign an overused word to, one stamped onto every relationship like a barcode. 'I love you.'

He's never admired the words when other people used them. Is that fair, he wonders. Does it matter? He's stuck between a rock and a hard place; the need to be contrary itches at him. He shouldn't want to feel that way, shouldn't have to label this feeling as love...

And it doesn't feel right anyways.

He does not want to fit an insincere mold, but he doubts he and Neil ever could. They never have. This would not be so easily destroyed, toppled.

They simply share too much, and Andrew thinks back to his goal of replacing every bad memory with Neil. That's not an accident, or a desperate quick fix. That instinct is there for a reason...

Cass. Funny how his two separate problems seem to come together. Cass is an appropriate example. Andrew knows, better than anyone, that she hadn't loved him in Katelyn's definition, if that's what love even is. If love can be broken down like that, if it's real. Devotion, consideration, loyalty.

Andrew sighs; he can't go that deep into it. It's too much, bogged down by layers and layers of terrible experiences that have only just begun to be pushed aside like weeds. Never ripped out. The roots have taken hold, but they're withering.

Maybe it's because he's so tired of thinking about it that the words come out. He peers down at Neil against him, at the top of his head where the auburn curls are so within reach, and confesses to Neil's crown. He doesn't blame the need to admit things to Neil as influenced by love, it can't possibly be so contained. He just...something pushes him to work this out. "Cass would hum this, every now and again."

Andrew's not sure what he wants the reaction to be, but when Neil responds, Andrew's soul relaxes, so it must be what he needed. Neil goes rigid within an instant, robbed of the peace afforded them. Andrew didn't mean to throw it into their quiet bubble, but he doesn't regret it. These things aren't inconvenient. Andrew gives these pieces of information to Neil now, like he always has. Willingly, and they're received in kind.

Neil shoots up, eyes frantic when they meet Andrew's. He sees so many things in those blue eyes: rage at Cass, concern for Andrew, and things Andrew didn't ask for but will receive for as long as Neil is here. Neil looks frantic, and two seconds away from dragging them as far away from this place as possible.

Neil's voice is a whisper, sharp and desperate. "Why did you--"

Why indeed? Why come on this ride?

Andrew's puts all his boyfriend's worry and guilt into an early grave.

"I hate having her in my brain," he answers, and knows it's not an excuse. Being on this ride is far from traumatic, more therapeutic than anything, but he almost recoils. He's only ever admitted those things aloud, the pent up resentment and anger, in the privacy of Bee's office. Even then, it's pulling teeth. For so long he framed his time with Cass as the only blip of light in his life. But it had come with a price, and Andrew knows now it hadn't been remotely worth it. For so long he tried to protect that outlook, but now he wants it stained, blacked out. He just never knew it would be so hard to blot it out with his own hand.

And if that was not love...

Neil flinches, but Andrew keeps going, daring him to say something. He needs Neil to know he's serious, so he makes it personal, shared. "You're the obnoxious one, telling me to overwrite things all the time. That's what this is."

That's why I'm okay with this. It's you.

Andrew can see the moment Neil remembers; they'd been sitting on the roof, and Neil had asked him to only remember the good things, even if for just a moment. Andrew's not the best at employing this, and sometimes he vehemently denies the ability to do so, but not with this. Not today.

That feeling cannot be replicated; Andrew turns the idea in his head again and again, never getting closer.

But one thing is certain...

Neil's expression softens, and Andrew squeezes his hand before he flicks a look up at the bright orange monstrosity on Neil's head. "Now, this ride will just remind me of how terrible that headband is," he says, and Neil should at least be able to read between those lines. "Nothing else will come first."

I will latch onto you instead. Andrew never wanted that before, to cling to some idealized outlook again. But Neil is not that; Neil is painfully real. Sometimes he misinterprets, other times he keeps too much to himself. But at the end of the day, Andrew trusts him to do whatever it takes to remain by his side for as long as he chooses to be there.

Andrew is the same way; he can't go back to how it was before.

Andrew's not paying attention to the displays around them anymore, but he can feel his mind melding the images and the tune together with Neil's expression. Open, vulnerable, welcome.

Neil sighs a moment later, muscles relaxing. Not once does his hold on Andrew loosen, but he knows better than to pry about Andrew's past. Andrew has made it clear; this moment is not about an old memory.

Neil leans back, moving further into Andrew's space. "Mm, should I say something else annoying, make the moment stronger?"

And ah, back to normal already are we?

Andrew flicks the back of Neil's hand. "You just did."

He'll log that away too, as aggravating as it is.

"Yeah..." Neil breathes out with a laugh, his thumb rubbing small circles into Andrew's skin. Physical touch, muscle memory...Andrew needs all of it for this to work. He gladly focuses on that while Neil thinks; Andrew can tell solely from the crease in his brow the striker has more on his mind.

Neil's not necessarily like Andrew, he won't keep these things to himself for prideful reasons. He needs to let them out, or they will eat him up.

He's bad at hiding it too.

"Hey Andrew," Neil says eventually, and Andrew's ready for the words before they're even in the air between them. He'd been expecting this, dreading it, but not okay with putting it off any longer. He needs Neil's help, unfortunately, to piece it all together. "You said Jean was in love with Jeremy."

One day if life is especially cruel, and Andrew outlives Neil, he will make it his mission to pick the man's brain. Something in that stubborn subconscious always seems to anticipate the winding roads Andrew is currently stuck on, even when Neil actually has zero clue.

He's not so upset by this anymore.

Carefully, Andrew turns Neil's palm over to trace the heart lines. If he put them on a map, would they cross through all the places Neil's been? "I did say that."

And he's been re-thinking about if it's true. Who knows if Jean and Jeremy are actually in love. As much as he likes to compare them to his brother's and Katelyn's nauseating displays, affectionate looks and blushing cheeks can't be all there is to it.

Andrew had been stupid to chalk it up to just that. Not even Katelyn would've. And if that's the case, Andrew might never be convinced of Jeremy and Jean's feelings. Attraction sure, but he doesn't care enough to dig deeper.

There's not an equation to test levels of protectiveness, or comfort, in order to determine an abstract and troublesome thing like love. And why would he need to test his own feelings against such a thing anyways? He knows...he knows this is something he will keep for as long as he can.

"I thought you didn't use that word," Neil offers when Andrew is quiet for too long, debating on the best angle to attack this from. Neil tends to do that, when Andrew himself hasn't figured things out yet. If he poses questions that open up other doors, it clears the mess away. He notes how Neil says 'doesn't use' instead of 'doesn't like' or 'hates,' because it's true. Andrew isn't repulsed by the word, just annoyed with it and all its aspects. He does not get it.

It's like he told Katelyn...

"I don't, but only because it's untrustworthy," Andrew replies, rubbing the back of his neck. He's not making sense, not even to himself. He's simply trying to see if he's open to the idea of throwing out his old opinion, the one where the concept of love is something twisted beyond recognition. Fake. Overly reproduced.

It's far more difficult a feat than simply overwriting a bad memory. This feels more invasive, but Andrew knows he wouldn't be thinking about it if there wasn't something important lodged beneath.

Neil squints, unaware of Andrew's turmoil. "So you were insulting them?"

The game show buzzer in Andrew's head rings; nope, that's not it.

"I was applying Mrs. Minyard's definition..." Andrew tries not to sound too bitter. The whole reason he even let this issue cling to him is because of Katelyn. She's the worst.

"Katelyn?" Neil asks, but doesn't question further after Andrew nods. Andrew assumes he's used to this, and it's entirely likely he's had a similar conversation with Katelyn. Andrew won't think about that either.

Neil nods. "Okay well, do you care if they figure it out?"

Again, Neil strikes out, but it helps Andrew to eliminate the background noise in his head.

"No, it makes no difference to me," he says. He couldn't care less what becomes of Moreau's romantic life. "Though it would be annoying if we have to do this again."

Another forced outing surrounded by dense morons...

Andrew's had to deal with enough obliviousness.

Neil smirks. "You know, Kevin might flip out if they get together."

Ah, another rare pro...

Neil leans away, regarding Andrew like he's taken on a new sleuth role. He rubs his chin too, to add to the drama of it. Maybe Andrew should get him a monocle, if he's going to be this much of a fuck. "So...if you don't care if they realize it, why think about it at all? I'll be honest, I didn't think you'd care about something like this."

Andrew's not quite sure why or if he does either. It doesn't have to be a thing that applies to them, if he doesn't want it to be.

Their this is unique. Andrew had been so resistant to using the word 'love' because it had been spit on and turned to bile, misused by people throughout his life. But in doing so, he ignored the times people used it genuinely. In the past, he would've contested that. He would've said it was never genuine, never earned. The commercialized concept wasn't something he'd let himself have in common with others.

But lately, Andrew finds that having some things in common with certain people isn't reprehensible. And in this case...

Aaron's voice comes barreling through his head, steering Andrew to destinations he couldn't find before. And well, now he knows why his brain can't let go of Aaron and Katelyn as his go to example.

"Our feelings for them are the same."

Yes. Andrew had slowly begun to accept that. Maybe that's why his brain wouldn't write off Katelyn's words so easily.

Begrudgingly, Andrew admits there's a lot more to his brother's relationship than pure affection, even when most of it is behind closed doors. Katelyn had been there through the worst parts of Aaron's college life, and she'd never once judged him or ignored the ugliest bits. Not even when he hated her, could Andrew look past those things. They meet her own definition, and Andrew's simply choosing to extend some trust to his brother. Aaron says he's in love, so Andrew believes him even when he doesn't believe in the feeling's history, in the way it's manipulated.

And well, if his feelings are the same...

Well, he guesses he can try to accept that too.

"I was testing it," Andrew answers, without much struggle. Katelyn's definition, any definition. Andrew looks at Neil straight on then, and the striker's grin fades. Something crosses over those eyes, like for once Andrew is ahead of him. "Love. I think I'm trying to decide if I...want to say it."

If I want to say 'I love you.' If it applies at all.

Not need, but want.

Is it something heavy, or is it something inconsequential?

It feels wrong, but Andrew knows he's reached the crux of his problem. This is where all his restlessness stemmed from, his observations about Jean and Jeremy, about the girls...

It had nothing to do with them, but everything to do with whether or not he'd ever want to have that in common with them.

He'd ignored the fact he most likely already does.

But the words...he never would've bothered before. They don't mean much, other than the weight society has put on them, and Andrew's never cared about that. He doesn't need them to know this is something sturdy in his life, and he doubts Neil needs them either.

It's more...this is another thing life took from them, took from Neil. They've never expected to regain everything; they never feel like life owes them.

It has nothing to do with that. It's just the same as with a lot of other instances; Andrew wants to give these things to Neil, because Neil is his.

Does there have to be some deeper explanation or justification for it? Even if there is, Andrew stops looking for it.

He waves off Neil's shocked expression, and doesn't ponder why it's there in the first place. He's been in the wrong before, assuming he's the only one who thinks about stuff like this. It's possible this has been on Neil's mind too, but that's not the point.

"I don't mean now, or anytime soon," Andrew corrects. No, no. He's not there yet, and it's not like it's some milestone they have to reach. Andrew doesn't like to think it could encompass how he feels, but maybe his biggest issue with this is that...he's not sure he hates the idea of it anymore. The word. One day, he might be able to say it and know it means a lot more than what other people think about it. And that would be enough. "But one day."

The shadows of the displays wash over Neil's expression, and Andrew can't pull anything out of it. Neil stares, hand still curled impossibly tight in Andrew's.

Andrew won't take back anything he said, but Neil's silence is beginning to unnerve him. He could have overstepped he realized, he should've asked for Neil's opinion at some point, weighed it against--

"You know, Aaron talked to me about this once," Neil offers finally. It's not what Andrew's expecting him to say. Then, Neil's face twitches, and Andrew can tell he's...holding back a smile. "That night you picked Katelyn up, we talked about...yeah."

Yeah.

Andrew knows the gist of what happened, Neil filled him in. Guess he didn't reveal all the details though.

Neil's laugh is a breathy, comforting thing this time. "He made me think about it. He asked if I loved you."

Neil smiles wryly, an expression he's begun to pair with Aaron lately. It's not a glare or scowl nearly as much anymore.

Andrew stills, but relaxes in the next second. They'd both been subject to the same thoughts after all, Andrew just didn't realize how similar the sources were. Aaron and Katelyn are menaces, and they don't even realize it.

Andrew doesn't feel nervous, or anxious. The way Neil feels about him is obnoxiously stone-like and unmovable at this point, as much as Andrew still sometimes tries to act like it's not. Neil won't say anything to make him doubt that.

"I said I did," Neil continues, like it's obvious. Andrew's pulse hiccups a little anyways. Stupid. "But I didn't know if I ever wanted to say it to you. It's more like...well obviously I do feel that way right? In the whatever—traditional sense."

Traditional. Ha.

He's not sure even Katelyn's definition is truly traditional in its selflessness.

Neil clears his throat, palm clammy in Andrew's own. Second by second, Andrew feels lighter. Neil's rambling is a strange salve, one more thing they have in common. Too much thinking, when the answer doesn't have to be so complex. Neil tries to glance away, but Andrew grabs his chin, keeping them face to face. He wants to have all this forever, every expression, every blink.

Neil swallows, but his smile stays, making a liar out of him before the words even leave his mouth. "But one word doesn't seem like enough, and if we did say it wouldn't it just be for other people's satisfaction? I don't need it to know you feel the same way..."

Andrew shakes his head in disbelief. Neil. Only Neil would expect that from Andrew. Andrew's mind exhales.

The convoluted mess of words echoes Andrew's own thoughts throughout the day, but it's never sounded clearer. No, it's true, one word will never be enough, but Andrew thinks if he could come to associate the word, the phrase, with this feeling, unique to them...

It wouldn't be so damaged anymore.

It would still be theirs, and no one else's. He'd have his own definition, to overwrite the rest.

"But even then..." Neil adds, quietly, his voice dancing with the song still playing around them. The lyrics are in English again, and Andrew knows the ride will end soon. Cass is barely a blip in his mind now, compared to Neil's words, the ones which mirror Andrew's. "I still thought it might be nice, one day, to say it. That doesn't make sense, does it?"

Logically no. All the contradictions, the back and forth...feelings are a strange thing and that's one reason Andrew's always hated them. There's no rhyme or reason, and there's two sides to each one. All justification is ruled out by one thing and one thing alone: 'I still want to.'

And in that sense, Neil's words make perfect sense.

But he can't confess all that; instead he cups Neil's face in his hands, smoothing over the scars like he always does. The roughness is a constant, familiar. "I hate you," he says, with no heat. It makes both of them blink, and Andrew realizes it's been a while since he said it. That too, has changed. But in this case, he thinks it's more than fair. He's feeling more than he possibly knows what to do with. "Yes or no?"

The fact he asks makes Neil snort; it's nostalgic, because...they don't ask as much these days. But Neil's 'yes' echoes loud and clear as they pass under the final archway, and for the first time all day, their lips meet. Neil sighs into him, his hands coming up to rest over Andrew's, breathing in the unspoken promise.

Nothing was decided, nothing fleshed out. But it didn't have to be.

One day, maybe.

They're both more than okay with that. Besides, Andrew did always say proof meant more than words.

And he has mountains of it to last in the meantime.

With only a little annoyance, Andrew admits he fell into the trap without meaning to; they shared a kiss at Disneyland.

Andrew pulls away as the sunlight begins to pour over them, and he squints, already missing the ride. Quiet it was not, but not as bad as the sounds and size of the crowd. If he ever does have to come back, he knows it will be a place to stop.

It makes him think of Neil, first and foremost, and he's long since stopped denying himself that.

Neil tries to help Andrew out of the boat, but Andrew swats him away for being a shit. He doesn't need help. As revenge, Neil smirks at him once they're walking down the exit path, adjusting his ears just to be even more irritating. Not cute. "Wait, so this means you admit Katelyn and Aaron are in love. Can I tell them?"

Andrew rolls his eyes, and Neil laughs. He'll never live that one down, and if Neil wants to survive he'll keep it to himself.

Mockery aside, Neil links their hands together, and Andrew pushes his face away before accepting the touch. Neil hasn't stopped smiling.

"Something to say Neil?" He says with a glare, and though he knows it's a joke at best, it makes that obnoxious warmth in him surge.

Neil smiles wider, dragging Andrew down the path with no idea where he's going. Andrew lets him.

"No," Neil throws behind him, humor lacing his tone. Gradually, the corner of Andrew's mouth twitches. "Not at all."

--

"Andrew! Neil!" Jeremy's voice booms from across the pavilion, and they both freeze in their analysis of where the best hiding spot would be in the entire park (Andrew is making a case for Toontown, but puts a pin in it).

Their time alone is officially over.

"Shit," Neil mutters, hand still linked in Andrew's. Normally at the sight of people they know, he'd pull away for Andrew's comfort, but Andrew keeps his grip firm.

He wants this today. Neil beams, sighing at the rest of the group's advance. It must be twice as sad now, since Neil knows.

Jeremy and Jean follow with the girls in tow, and as they get closer Andrew can see Laila's resigned smile. She and Alvarez have been caught too, despite their best efforts, and Andrew can tell nothing has changed.

The 'magical moment' they'd tried to pull out of Jean and Jeremy didn't happen, just like Andrew knew it wouldn't. Regardless, they're as hopeless as ever.

Jean trails close after Jeremy, eyes scanning his strong back while Jeremy keeps looking to make sure he's following. They're still dancing around one another, oblivious, but that's their own problem to sort out.

Still...there's a shift in Jean's features that wasn't there before, and Andrew is all too happy to wither it away with a glare.

He's accepting, not forgiving.

Whatever realizations Jean came to today have no other impact on Andrew other than an urge to get as far away as possible from it.

But there's hours to go.

Hours more to go, with Neil's hand in his. The striker throws a knowing grin back at him before pulling him forward, probably dead set on meddling as much as possible.

With the promise of 'one day' still fizzing strong in his chest, Andrew follows.

There's no more memories of this place to overwrite, so he has no choice but to crack open the door a little for some new ones.

That, at least, he can handle.

#andreil #aftg #all for the game #andrew minyard #neil josten

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Staff Favourites

The top five fics/series of the staff. We hope you love them as much as we do! 

Scout:

at the edge of what was by BurningFairytales for SHCombatalade (M | 8,973 | 1/1)

He flips Neil’s phone open and scrolls through the call history. It’s not a long list; his own name is at the bottom, then there’s a call from Nicky one from Dan. There’s an outgoing call from Neil’s phone to Andrew’s – that day they went to Atlanta – and one to a number that isn’t saved but that Andrew recognises as Bee’s.

And then there’s a call from an unknown number, no more than an hour ago.

He wants to call it. He wants to call it and demand where Neil is, wants to find out whoever the number belongs to and bash their head into a wall, break every bone in their body until Neil is back with them.

/Graphic Depictions Of Violence

you say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one. by Idnis (M | 58,350 | 29/29)

Neil Josten wouldn’t say his life was very magical. His dreams on the other hand.

They always seem too real.

And then there's the fact that he finds himself returning to one person's dreams.

Part 1 of you say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one

loving you is muscle memory by Talls (T | 1,452 | 1/1)

Neil has temporary amnesia, and Andrew is disconcertingly attractive. This is especially disconcerting because Neil was pretty sure he didn't swing. Nicky is endlessly pleased by the entire situation.

Fast in My Car by exybee (T | 3,897 | 2/2)

It's four in the morning and Andrew just wants to know how the hell he ended up in the middle of a high-speed police chase with a blue-eyed heartthrob in his passenger seat.

AKA: The Car Thief AU where Neil's not very good at stealing cars, but he's doing a bang up job of stealing Andrew's heart.

the harder you fall by petalloso (G | 17,078 | 2/2)

“The chances of dying on a plane are slim to none,” Neil says casually. “But if it were to crash, you’d be unconscious in a second, and probably dead before we hit the ground.”

Andrew stares at him, mildly baffled. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

Ari: 

Nine Weddings and No Funerals by gluupor (T | 28,578 | 10/10)

Neil's just been unceremoniously dumped by his longtime boyfriend before a busy wedding season where it seems like everyone he knows is tying the knot. Desperate not to look like a pathetic loser in front of his ex, he goes along with a plan to bring along a fake boyfriend to the weddings. Since neither Neil nor his date Andrew are interested in pursuing a relationship, there's no chance that anyone's feelings will be hurt.

Surely nothing about this plan will backfire.

a few living things by flybbfly (M | 14,066 | 4/4)

what if a mob boss and the assassin sent to kill him fell in love?

Foxglove Fridays by moonix (T | 4,207 | 1/1)

Every Friday, Neil comes into Andrew's shop to buy flowers.

i'm here right now (just be here right now with me) by Talls (M | Incomplete | 4/7)

Neil first meets Andrew with a racquet to the stomach in a locker room when he's eighteen. Andrew first meets Neil with a hushed conversation on a beach in California when he's five. They still manage to meet on rooftops, fall in love, find family, and heal together, just not quite at the same time and definitely not in the same order.

(In other words, Andrew is the Time Traveler's wife.)

The Real Folk Blues by moonix, nefelibata

 (E | 42,365 | 4/4)Captain David Wymack and the bounty hunter crew of the Bebop spaceship might be a little out of their depths chasing down the infamous hacker and notorious runaway Neil Wesninski, whose bounty exceeds even Kevin's wildest dreams. Worst of all, Andrew might actually enjoy it.

/Graphic Depictions of Violence

Halley:

Like A River by moonix (T | 65,259 | 8/8)

Andrew was a statistical anomaly. He was both a Seer and a Squib, an unfortunate combination of genetic traits that still somehow got him into Hogwarts. He had both hands full babysitting Kevin Day, resident Quidditch prodigy, after the drama with Riko Moriyama in fifth year, and making sure his brother finished his last year of education after the death of their mother. What he did not need was another stray to take in – Neil Hatford, formerly Nathaniel Wesninski, prominent guest in Andrew's prophetic dreams with his blue, blue eyes and death omens flocking to him wherever he went. What he needed even less was to start pretending they were in a relationship, but then, Andrew never had been very interested in doing what was good for him.

wind me tighter than a wire by ephemeralsky (T | 4,829 | 1/1)

The insufferable man with an incorrigible inclination for drama leans over the bar, his posture relaxed like a cat’s, and asks the woman, “What did you make him?”

“Ginger highball.”

“Hmm.” Turning towards Andrew, he says, “Now you have another ginger to appreciate.”

Andrew keeps his face carefully blank, taking inventory of the man. His eyeliner makes the ridiculous color of his eyes stand out even more, but the auburn hair is just as conspicuous. Andrew isn’t even going to think about his outrageous costume or about his outrageous legs.

“Gingers aren’t my type,” Andrew says, impassive.

(or: Kevin and Andrew are detectives, and Neil is a show boy who knows A Lot of things)

i'm here right now (just be here right now with me) by Talls (M | 12,201 | 1/5)

Neil first meets Andrew with a racquet to the stomach in a locker room when he's eighteen. Andrew first meets Neil with a hushed conversation on a beach in California when he's five. They still manage to meet on rooftops, fall in love, find family, and heal together, just not quite at the same time and definitely not in the same order.

(In other words, Andrew is the Time Traveler's wife.)

right side of rock bottom by allyasavedtheday (M | 20,019 | 1/1) 

Neil thinks it might be the first time he’s taken a breath in days.

He hadn’t realised it because he’d been so caught up in packing and saying goodbye to everyone but now that it’s over he remembers his self-imposed countdown was meant to be up by now. It’s the end of the school year and five months ago, he thought he’d be dead by now.

Instead he has a team and a future and a home and Andrew.

Way Down We Go by nekojita (E | 620,923 | 46/46)

How would things be different if Nathaniel and his mother had been in Seattle early enough to put him in California the same time as Andrew? What if their paths had crossed back then? What if Andrew's first promise wasn't to Aaron but to Nathaniel?

Catherine:

missed call by badacts (T | 5,757 | 6/6)

There was one thing Nathan had always stood by, his personal code – if you were going to go after someone, you went after them. Not their dog, not their parents, and definitely not their partner. He might not have managed to teach that to his henchmen, but he clearly succeeded with his son.

That, and 'a head for an eye'.

Lessons in Cartography by crazy_like_a (E | 121,706 | 37/37)

Nora mentioned in her extra content that Neil slowly maps out Andrew's body and then this fic happened. Starts after The King's Men

The Smallest Exy Player, Now Even Smaller by ionlyloveyouironically (T | 20,654 | 10/10)

Aaron pissed somebody off, which isn't a surprise, but what happens to Andrew in retaliation definitely is.

(Just another beloved-character-gets-magically-turned-into-a-child fic.)

please tell me it's just the fandom freaking out by OneSweetMelody (T | 16,573 | 7/7)

And finally, the Minyard/Josten Rivalry as told through social media.

__

Neil Josten @neiljos10

Sadly @ajminyard isn’t too excited about that face off

Neil Josten @neiljos10

Maybe @ajminyard will learn how to block an offside bouncer before then. Or any shot.

unsteady by lipsstainedbloodred (T | 808 | 1/1)

Andrew and Neil get into an argument and Neil has a panic attack.

Bea:

Every Choice Leads To You by SpangleBangle for tycutiovevo ( G | 2,809 | 1/1 )

Andrew knew they had to get up at some point, if only for the bathroom, but was loathe to hurry the moment along. He would take every greedy minute of Neil snug in his bed, for as long as he could. It was the choice he’d made years before, and the one he made every day when he saw Neil’s ‘good morning’ smile. He had a feeling it was a choice he’d be making for many years to come. And while that thought should be terrifying, with Neil sweet and content in his arms, fear was far away.

sickeningly sweet (like honey) by broship_addict( M | 30,351 | Incomplete )

Andrew Doe is twelve years old when he walks into Fox's Sweets Shop. Somehow, he leaves with three friends and all of them are Exy-obsessed losers.

Also known as the kid AU in which the Foxes are happy children and Andrew has a crush

The Real Folk Blues by moonix, nefelibata ( E | 42,365 | 4/4 )

Captain David Wymack and the bounty hunter crew of the Bebop spaceship might be a little out of their depths chasing down the infamous hacker and notorious runaway Neil Wesninski, whose bounty exceeds even Kevin's wildest dreams. Worst of all, Andrew might actually enjoy it.

/Graphic Depictions of Violence

in reference to motility, please proceed by Saul ( T | 8,283 | 1/1 )

She could be so small, he marveled. She was a cat, sleek and windy. A mouse, whiskers perfect and round ears quivering. A moth, fragile and dusty. A caterpillar, wriggly and colorful. She almost disappears.

“Alex,” his mother chided, her voice low and hand tight around his upper arm, but if she wasn't looking at him it would've taken him a moment to know who she meant. She was scared, she’s terrified, her pupils are dots, even though they were just in the second last row of a near-empty greyhound bus. “Stop playing. Are you listening to me?”

In his hand, Marie turned into a pill bug and curled up tight. He closed his hand around her, making her disappear.

The Continuing Adventures of the Nine-Nine by gluupor ( G | 43,357 | 9 Works | Complete )

A series of short, ridiculous, mostly plotless stories featuring the Foxes as the cops of the Ninety-Ninth Precinct.

Aaron:

corvus, vulpes, lupus by badacts (T | 31,834 | 6/6)

It’s not until Mary dies that she finally does settle. Neil looks away from the car, dazzled by firelight and the sense memory of her daemon breaking apart, and finds silvery speckled fur with jet-black points and reddish eyes the same colour as Nathaniel Wesninski’s hair. Just like that, he knows she won’t shift again

/Graphic Depictions of Violence, /Rape/Non-Con

they used to shout my name (now they whisper it) by badacts, broship_addict, PuckB (M | 46,940 | 5/5)

Neil is a bound witch on the run, making a choice between fleeing, slavery, and death. To Andrew, he looks like a useful weapon - at first.

It turns out that ‘useful’ isn’t all he is.

Funky Happenings with the Fox Family by dobbypussypopper (Not Rated | Incomplete | 10/?)

naughtygayweedcrime: did I rlly just see neil say woke

naughtygayweedcrime: what a surreal timeline we live in

dumbfool: allison is trying to teach me how to meme so I can get hip

naughtygayweedcrime: bless your poor soul

davidwymack: sometimes I regret living

davidwymack has muted exyllent, damnwilds, + 7 others for 30 minutes

Learning To Feel (When You've Forgotten How) by thegirlwiththeprettybrowneyes (T | Incomplete | 13/15)

On the night before his first day of therapy at Easthaven, Andrew blows out his legs and decides he isn't going to bury his feelings anymore, consequences be damned. In return, he gets a schedule change, and a very strange new therapist. /////// "Doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you," Andrew finished, looking anywhere but at Neil's face. Neil looked like he had just realized the sky was blue. "You like me," Andrew sighed. "Yeah," he said, resigned "Yeah, Neil, I like you," /////// No Proust AU

The Fleet Foxes Detective Agency by transandrewminyard (nocturnalboys) (E | Incomplete | 17/18)

In a catastrophic post-1929 Boston, the stock market crash and violent, unpredictable weather have dissolved the young nation known as America. Replacing it, a new lawless world rises, the nation-state of Independence, run by elite families who have the cash and clout to keep their grip on the survivors of the Crash. Andrew Minyard and Renee Walker, private eyes and owners of the Fleet Foxes Detective Agency, are the law, solving crimes in exchange for making their livelihood. When Andrew meets Neil Josten, jazz singer and objectively handsome man, he feels himself falling- into the realm of a new mystery, one that he isn't entirely sure he's prepared to solve, and a case that could radically change Independence forever.

Maz:

forever, for you. by softlightwood (G | 3,584 | 1/1)

The smile splitting Neil’s face in two is a soft thing, gentle and wonderful and the most genuine the expression has ever felt settled into his mouth. “I think you like putting up with me”

“Shut up”

“Make me,” Neil tells him.

“Marry me,” Andrew replies.

down beside my red firelight. by paleromantic (T | 2,052 | 1/1)

"Hey, Andrew?"

Andrew took a deep breath, and then looked over at him. "What is it?"

Kevin raised an eyebrow and hooked his thumb in the jeans he'd put on. "You look like... well, you look like you've gained weight recently."

of cabbages and kings by intrajanelle (T | 12,106 | 4/4)

Andrew is a bored lighthouse keeper on the Forgotten Coast. He tends to his garden, feeds the gang of stray cats that prowls his lawn, and occasionally parents the scrappy town orphan. He doesn’t need anyone else.

Or: Neil Josten moves to town.

Feels Like Wasted Youth by conniptionns, exybee (M | 10,170 | 5/5)

Neil’s current living situation is … complicated.

Between his roommates’ badass rager parties and his neighbors’ constant barging into his apartment, Neil’s sure he can handle anything junior year throws at him

That is, until someone leaves a passive-aggressive noise complaint on his door. Unfortunately for the second floor, Neil has skipped the passive and gone full aggressive.

Or the Neighbors AU featuring post-finals parties, ill-timed fire alarms, and helpful campus squirrels.

Remy:

Sunshine and Moonlight by SpangleBangle (T | Incomplete | 5/?)

Andrew starts regretting signing with the Palmetto Foxes the minute the other athletes start commenting on the form of his familiar, and definitely the second his new team mates start digging for details. Ugh. He just wants to tend to his plants and get through college in peace, even if it is fairly unusual for a witch his age to have a familiar. Whatever. That story is private, and nobody else's business.

we're just strangers by whenwordsflyoffthepage (T | 83662 | 21/21)

AU where Neil is in witness protection but still ends up an Exy junkie, Andrew doesn’t play Exy and needs a fake date to Allison and Renee’s wedding, the Moriyama’s aren’t criminals but Riko is still a dick, and Kevin has been living with his father since age 17 and just wants his friends to stop being dramatic so he can play Exy in PEACE

Once More by AkemiAsh (E | Incomplete | 30/?)

When Neil wakes up in a very familiar car sitting next to a ghost, a little more than 7 years younger, he was more than a little freaked out. Last thing he remembered was going out for Andrew's 25th birthday. He hadn’t been sure what to expect. He hadn’t even been sure why he’d done it. He was left adrift in too tight skin, sitting for hours next to the ghost of his mother in what was apparently a jaunt into the past, but it was ingrained in him to run back to Andrew. Always he orbited around the man who stood between him and any threat. Always he found his way to the man’s side. Now was no exception. He hadn’t really expected for Andrew to know who he was though. As he heard Andrew’s voice say his name, he realized that he’d been expecting a ‘Who is this?’, not a ‘Neil?’. Somehow, the relief he’d felt at hearing it though, was short lived. He was panicking. “Where the fuck are you. I woke up six hours ago in the house in Colombia with Nicky and Aaron. It’s fucking April 22nd, 2003 Neil.”

/Graphic Depictions Of ViolenceRape/Non-Con

The Road To Nowhere by emmerrr (M | 118526 | 30/30)

The population has been decimated by an epidemic, society has fallen, and no one is safe. But Neil has never been safe to begin with. When the death of his mother finally leaves him with nothing left to lose, Neil inadvertently stumbles across a miss-match group of people living and working together despite the odds. Sometimes it takes the apocalypse to find out where you truly belong; the hard part is holding onto it. And when so much of him is held together by lies, Neil might have to learn that you can never outrun your past indefinitely.

/Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Beth:

All we need is somebody to lean on by AgapantoBlu (T | 33,196 | 14/14)

“Stuff came up,” he said, in a voice that let no doubts about how much goodness could be in such stuff. None. “It involves my parents and a courtroom.”

Nicky didn’t react while saying those words, but Matt flinched enough for both of them. Once more, he didn’t know the details, but he knew, just like all the other Foxes, that Luther and Maria Hemmick figured in the register of campus security as “unwanted: forbidden entry”.

The Kids Are Alright (Now) by Marmeladeskies for BakaDoll (T | 13,098 | 10/10)

When they're two years old, Aaron and Andrew are adopted together- and it changes the course of their fate drastically.

A story about scars, healing, dogs, and the little boy with the auburn curls who just moved in next door.

raze it to the ground by ilgaksu for badacts (T | 4,511 | 1/1)

It stops being about Neil entirely, and it starts being about this: Andrew is really, really fucking tired.

Part 1 of the long way down

I'm Here (Except When You're Not) by LittleWonderly (E | Incomplete | 13/?)

He’s going to leave. The thought raged it way through Kevin’s mind so fiercely it burned. He’d thought it for months, he’d imagined a hundred different ways before falling asleep but he was not prepared for the moment, not even close.

Kevin graduates from the Foxes and has to leave behind everything that he has come to know. His new family, both blood and not. His partners. With the absence of all he has come to rely on, is being alone something Kevin can survive?

Chasing the Night to See the Stars by ChasingSunlight (Not Rated | 62,746 | 34/34) 

Jean Moreau comes to the Trojans a broken man. The Trojans, for their part, decide that broken does not mean unlovable.

\ Rape/Non-Con

Félix:

 we might be hollow (but we're brave) by stttmsbwa (M | 40,681 | 4/4) 

Andrew is looking to live his life in peaceful nothingness, but his new neighbor's cat won't stop sneaking onto his balcony. As much as he tries to not make it into something, Andrew finds himself drawn to the mysterious and tempting man next door. Neil is just trying to find a reason to not leave Palmetto after everyone else has moved on. But he never thought he would want to run toward something in favor of running away. (In a slightly different world, two people find themselves meeting in a softer setting and in just as much need of each other. A story about dealing with pasts, sharing secrets and a cat who is an asshole yet manages to charm everyone around it.)

be neither fish nor fowl by KING (pelted) (T | 26,363 | 1/1) 

They found it in the locked room of a Royal Navy's vessel, The Fox waiting to take her crew and their new spoils across the deep blue. It was beautiful. It was rarer than any diamond. “A mermaid,” Dan laughed, taking a step back and sweeping her hat off her head to hold to her chest. “They were transporting a mermaid.”

It was going to make them rich. ( wherein the Foxes are pirates, Neil has gills, and no one quite trusts the magic. ) 

Part 1 of Fear No Fall

bloom (just for you) by godotco (M | 7,592 | 4/4) 

For lack of any better explanation for what was happening, Neil was in uncontrollable full bloom. - A little slice of witch au turned flower shop au

you take the fucking cake. by Idnis (T | 12,284 | 1/1) 

In which Kevin takes baking way too seriously, Andrew makes cookies and Neil learns to bake, and to stay

Show Me How You by smokesprite ( Not Rated | 6,825 | 1/1)

 "They thought they would stop the show; they thought they could cut the act, but Neil had been sulking around too long now to not know where all the necessary equipment was. He was a ghost, and he would do the ghost dance, goddammit." Neil is a ghost with a house to haunt, but the Moxie Foxy Burlesque Troupe refuses to be chased off. If you can't beat em...join em.

#masterlist #staff faves #andreil #andrewminyard #andreil fanfic #andreil fanfiction #neiljosten #jerejean #jerejean fanfic #jerejean fanfiction #kandreil #aftgflrec

[bluesrrgents]

Hi!! I was just wondering - do you have any good andreil fic recommendations?? I ADORE lessons in cartography and wanted something like that. I'm sorry to bother you if you don't read FICS!!

i haven’t yet read lessons in cartography i’m sorry :( i’ve been told there aren’t any other fics quite like it but i’m still willing to make a list of andreil fics to recommend!! thanks to all my friends who gave me more recs

* a star just means i haven’t read it but it’s been recommended to me

sky blue sky by jaylocked 

Neil collects the cup a moment later, almost absently, as he thinks back to the nightmare that had started his day. He takes a sip, planning to turn away, and is almost assaulted by the sheer quantity of sugar in his drink. Who knew coffee could taste that sweet? It’s disgusting.

Neil looks back to Andrew, who is once more leveling a blank gaze at him, hazel eyes deeply unimpressed. Neil quirks an eyebrow, confused. It’s definitely not worth it to say anything. After all, it’s been engrained in him not to draw attention to himself, to order whatever is blandest and least interesting, to get in and out best he can.

He can feel the weight of Andrew’s gaze on his back as he leaves the cafe, but he tries to ignore it. 

this one is 2 parts, about 3k each but it’s cute

*light fires at night (to push back the void by inthesea

The first time Andrew realizes he wants to hear the words, Neil isn’t even doing anything. He’s just sitting there, staring at the horizon with that stupidly dramatic faraway expression of his, and letting the cigarette burn down between his fingers all the way to the filter — an outrageous waste of good nicotine, if you asked Andrew.

(Or: 20+ times Andrew and Neil say I love you, and one time they say it out loud.) (61k)

this one seems to be the most similar to lessons that can be found so i put it at the top :) the rest are ordered based on word count

*your crown of thorns holds roses by quensty

Three days after he signs his death sentence to Palmetto State, five after Andrew Minyard sends him flying breathless to the ground, Neil’s gaze snaps to the locker room mirror and stares, frozen, at the word threat scrawled along his spinal cord in terrifying, heavy bold.

All in all, he isn’t thrilled about the situation this puts him in, but, based off the negative connotation, it isn’t one-sided either. On the bright side, at least this means his soulmate doesn’t harbor any grandeur delusions about him. (4.4k)

*missed call by badacts

There was one thing Nathan had always stood by, his personal code – if you were going to go after someone, you went after them. Not their dog, not their parents, and definitely not their partner. He might not have managed to teach that to his henchmen, but he clearly succeeded with his son.

That, and ‘a head for an eye’. (5.7k)

*now i’m covered in the colors by alaynes

Nathaniel Wesninski is six years old when his first soulmate mark comes in. (9.7k)

*be neither fish nor fowl by Saul

They found it in the locked room of a Royal Navy’s vessel, The Fox waiting to take her crew and their new spoils across the deep blue.

It was beautiful. It was rarer than any diamond.

“A mermaid,” Dan laughed, taking a step back and sweeping her hat off her head to hold to her chest. “They were transporting a mermaid.”

It was going to make them rich.

( wherein the Foxes are pirates, Neil has gills, and no one quite trusts the magic.) (26k)

this fic has three parts!!

*latchkey child by Saul

The segment’s title declared EXY’S DARLINGS - WHERE WILL THEY GO FROM HERE? in a yellow banner along the television screen’s bottom. It was a spotlight feature on where Kevin Day and Riko Moriyama were planning to go after their high school graduation. Of course they were expected to join the best, but a few reporters speculated on favoritism from the Raven’s coach if they signed on at Edgar Allan, and if that’d impact the Exy prodigies’ relationships with their potential teammates.

Usually his mother would box his ears for looking at anything Exy-related, but he changed the channel long before her shower finished, the black ink on a younger Day’s cheekbone haunting him worse than the date in the corner.

( Neil wakes up seven years younger, and, slowly, takes matters into his own hands. ) (31k)

*and in a flash, it’s gone. by Idnis

‘I wouldn’t associate with Andrew anymore, nor with any of the others. You can’t trust foxes after all.’The man’s fist connected precisely where his head wound was, and then Neil Josten was gone.

Neil loses his memory and has to somehow make sense of the pieces of his past and present. And Andrew. (36k)

*die young by moonix

Ever since the violent death of his mother Neil has withdrawn completely from the outside world. He lives with his Uncle Stuart and barely ever leaves the house. In order to help him overcome his anxiety, Stuart hires his favourite waiter, Nicky, to befriend him. With Nicky come the rest of the Foxes, and Neil finds himself being reluctantly adopted into a much bigger family, reconnecting with an old friend, and developing a crush… (41k)

*dangerous magics by SashaSea

“What if evil doesn’t really exist? What if evil is something dreamed up by man, and there is nothing to struggle against except out own limitations? The constant battle between our will, our desires, and our choices?” -Libba Bray, Rebel Angels

(urban fantasy/Celtic legend AU) (52k)

on the impossibility of reality by defractum (nyargles)

“Inception,” says Ichirou Moriyama.

‘You’re crazy,’ Neil does not say, but it’s a close thing. “It can’t be done,” he says instead, after a too long pause.

An Inception AU. Kevin is the best extractor in the game, Neil spends too much time pretending to be other people, and Andrew? Well, Andrew knows all about inception. (56k)

*grey zone by maydaykevin

Neil’s frown deepened as he stared at the card he was holding.

'Camp Half-Blood, Half-Blood Hill, Farm Road 3.141Long Island, New York 11954’

“You’re telling me this is my only chance at survival?”

“The only one you’ve got left kid.”

A Percy Jackson/Foxhole Court AU (57k)

*to know a man by moonix

In which the Foxes all work at a coffee shop run by Wymack, Neil is their newest recruit with a dark past, Andrew is obvious, Neil is oblivious, and everyone ships it apart from Aaron, who just wants to study in peace. With guest appearance by a stuffed jellyfish called Josephine. (58k)

*claw marks by flybbfly

The Foxes are an underground resistance group in a dystopian near-future. Neil is the shady new recruit.

Part 1984, part “The Lottery,” part “The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas,” part V for Vendetta. (70k)

fear in a handful of dust by flybbfly

“I need to talk to Minyard,” Neil says, sipping at a soda. “How do I make that happen?”

Kevin chokes on his whiskey. “You don’t.”

In which Neil doesn’t have Kevin Day to convince him to play, so he becomes a sports journalist; Andrew is a keeper in more ways than one; and Quidditch is the sport du jour. Featuring a frankensteined team, eternal roommate Matt, and hawkish sports section editor Dan. Oh, and Andrew has a shady past (present? future?) that Neil can’t quite figure out. But that’s nothing new for Neil, who is constantly hiding everything about himself anyway—this time with magical abilities greasing the way. (104k)

*armies by nekojita

Upon Mary Hatford’s death, Nathaniel Wesninski makes the call to his uncle Stuart rather than continuing on the run and ending up in Milport, Nevada.Upon graduating university, Andrew Minyard turns down all offers of a professional Exy career and muddles through a 'normal’ life, until the boredom and inanity of it all wears him down and he accepts an offer of a break to spend some time with his cousin Nicky in Stuttgart, Germany.There he meets Abram Hatford, a handsome and broken young man who has more in common with Andrew than he suspects, and nothing’s normal anymore. (341k)

WIPS

sickeningly sweet (like honey) by broship_addict

Andrew Doe is twelve years old when he walks into Fox’s Sweets Shop. Somehow, he leaves with three friends and all of them are Exy-obsessed losers.

Also known as the kid AU in which the Foxes are happy children and Andrew has a crush. (22k)

*the bodyguard by bourbon

“Hello, you’ve reached the homosexual agenda, how may I help you?”

“Nicky.”, Andrew growled.

“Oh, my favorite cousin! I would ask you to join our cause but it seems you already did.”

Or where Neil hires Andrew as a bodyguard but ends up (fake) dating him instead. (43k)

*dog in the manger by Saul

It’s 1922, and rumor had it Wesninski’s son wasn’t so dead after all. A sudden upheaval crumbled the Butcher’s empire almost over-night; in his place, a scarred and terrifying man threatened to set Baltimore alight.

Four years later, Aaron Minyard receives a call from a brother he hasn’t spoken to in a decade, sweeping him into a whirlwind of corruption, homicide, and exhausted, tremulous trust. (52k)

*a hole in the world by lscar123

An accomplished FBI agent. A young runaway who is more than he appears to be. A serial killer that’s haunted both of them for years.

The City of Angels just got a lot more interesting. (132k)

doe & josten: deductionists by SpangleBangle

Andrew Doe, rude but brilliant consulting detective, thought he had no need of a partner as he worked slowly away at dismantling the largest crime family in the country, helping out with other cases on the side to relieve the tedium. That was, until a scruffy runaway with a stupid amount of secrets stumbled into his life. Or, more accurately, broke into his kitchen. (152k)

ok i’ll stop myself, i hope you find some you love!!

#andreil #fic #fic rec #aftg fic #aftg fic rec #andrew minyard #neil josten #all for the game #the foxhole court #masterpost #zoe.txt #ask #tfc #tfc fic #tfc fic rec

[ilgaksu]

@badacts is an enabler, @crumplelush is also an enabler, and I’m a loser for history. Here’s part of the ridiculous overblown gay Regency-era aftg AU literally no one asked for, set in Bath, England for the full Regency Experience. For reference: Neil is the son of a Hatford and a Wesninski and orphaned heir to the fire-destroyed Hatford estate. Andrew is an illegitimate boy from the London slums who fled to Germany with his long-lost twin brother after a childhood of abusive orphanages/the death of their mother, then moved back to England, now comfortably middle-class and having erased all evidence of their earlier lives, and works training horses for the gentry. Neil and Andrew now live together in Andrew���s townhouse as housemates (which would have been seen as common for bachelors), and Aaron has moved across town after marrying Katelyn against his brother’s wishes. There’s some historical notes at the end because I’m that kind of person. 

 (cw for period accurate classism, whorephobia, homophobia and riko moriyama, who deserves his own special warning) 

“Good evening, Neil,” Riko says, eyes shining under the light like the opaque buttons of his waistcoat; slippery and miniscule, the black mother-of-pearl of them winking like dead men’s eyes. “I’m surprised you’re showing your face around so soon.”

“I finished my observance in July,” Neil says tightly. In the summer of the city, peeling himself out of the layers of mourning clothes - the blackened shell of them on the floor like snakeskin - had held with it all the relief of rebirth. Neil Josten, his skin singed, his hair catching the light, and Andrew’s eyes watching him careful in the mirror’s reflection, the cool of them like the glass of the same  mirror under Neil’s fingertips. The smudge of them against the silver silent affirmation: I am not Nathaniel. I am not my father’s son. I am still alive.   

“Yes,” Riko says, syllables cut. “That wasn’t what I meant.” His eyes are light on Neil’s face when he says, “After all, we do have ladies present. Their constitutions might be upset by -”

“You know, it’s true,” Neil replies. “Hell is empty, and all the devils are here. Speaking of which, I thought I saw your father about the town earlier this week. Is he still alive, then?”

Riko’s jaw tightens, almost imperceptible but for the blaze of the candlelight nearby and Neil waiting for the scent of a single drop of blood in the water. He says, “My father was visiting, yes. It must be difficult to imagine, what with your own circumstances, but -”

“You’re right, I never needed to crawl to my father so he could bail me out,” Neil retorts, “I was raised to live with my own mistakes.”

“It shows,” Riko spits back. By now, they’re attracting glances. Neil can almost sense Matt standing from the other side of the ballroom. When he risks a look away from Riko’s eyes to check, Matt is sure enough heading their way, making slow but determined progress through the dancers.

Neil breathes in, and then out. He remembers everything Matt has ever said about picking your battles and everything Renee has ever said about graceful retreat, and he especially remembers Andrew stood, cold-eyed and remote, in the corner of their room, saying I need to know if you’re going to keep living like it’s something to throw away. Andrew hadn’t said I can’t live like that or I can’t watch you live like that or I’d rather walk now than have you set yourself on fire, than not make it to you in time to put it out - but he hadn’t had to. So Neil breathes in, and then out, and then closes his eyes, and then turns around and takes a step away.

“Take care,” Neil says, “I’d hate for something to happen to you before the Devil gets his day.”

Riko steps after him. In the reflection of the ballroom’s wide windows, dappled and blurred by candlelight, he’s a shadow spreading over Neil’s back.

“Strange,” he murmurs, voice low but unmistakably clear. “I heard Minyard had gotten his teeth into you, but I didn’t realise you’d walked into the leash.”

In the beat between each word and the next, the shadow becomes a weight, pressing invisibly down on the back of Neil’s neck until he can’t breathe. There’s a word for it: collared. Neil almost has to laugh.

“Don’t say his name,” Neil snaps, which isn’t what he meant to say: he meant to say I’m not his dog or I don’t know what you’re talking about or I’m going to rip your fucking throat out. His voice is a violin string, torn taut and slowly being ripped away from the body of the instrument.

He should’ve expected this. Riko Moriyama made a study of weak spots, and Andrew was less of a weak spot and more of a mortal wound. The hook of him always leaving Neil’s whole life spilling out copper over his own hands. Collared, helpless: it’s the same thing, isn’t it?

“Can you even imagine,” Riko says, keeping his voice pitched low and pleasant. He’s amused, Neil realises. “Nathan must be rolling in his grave.”

“I’m counting on it,” Neil grits out. I am not Nathaniel. I am not my father’s son.

He needs to walk away. He needs to keep walking away. He needs to wait for Matt to come and get him. He needs to find -

“Don’t let me keep you,” Riko tells him now, “Go on, I imagine your friends are beside themselves seeing us so close together. Not to mention your new master.” Riko puts a hand on Neil’s upper arm. It barely grazes him before Neil shrugs him off violently. “It’s a shame. Living on your knees, and you’re still not learning your place.” Neil turns to glare at him. Riko laughs.

“Call me a whore to my face,” Neil says, slowly, “Unless you’re scared I’ll make you answer for it.”

“Oh, Neil,” Riko says, “A century of careful breeding, and then they came up with you. Nobility can’t be whores. It’s not in your blood, though I’m sure you’re trying.” He pauses. “Bastards, though? They’re born to it.”   

It takes Neil a second to hear him, and then a second to properly hear it, through the sudden gutting absence in his head. It’s the second his mother stood there, poised in escape, before she fell through the smoke and down the stairs until she was dead at his feet. It’s Andrew sitting alone in a field from daybreak, the day circling around him, waiting for another stray to come eat out of his hands, the silent admittance in the stillness: I have been scared too. It’s Aaron’s voice in Neil’s memory, Andrew killed our mother, and Neil realising that on some level he had already known, had known all along.

Neil breathes in, then out. And then punches Riko in the stomach. Then he pushes Riko into the side-table with all his weight, sending glasses shattering around him, a splay of broken crystal as Riko crashes to the floor. Someone screams. Riko is on his feet again, whiplash fast; his fist crashes into Neil’s jaw so hard the bone aches, a dull throb, under his heartbeat. Neil, who spent two months in a men’s boxing ring after closing watching Andrew and Renee swap jabs, as perfectly matching as two parentheses, gets in another hit of his own before he feels someone grab his arms and pin them behind his back. The ease of it should be suggestive - wild and out of mind as he is, the arms could be anyone’s. Neil bites them, hard.

“Christ Alive, Neil,” Matt swears, dropping his hold. Neil wrenches away, stumbles free, swings for Riko once more. “Neil, have you gone mad?”

Neil doesn’t pay him any mind, too busy fighting with the buttons of his glove. The leather is a little slippery, damp with a smear of blood. He’s not sure where it’s from. In the end, he yanks it from his hand. Matt, a beat too late, grabs for his arm.

“Neil, don’t you dare -”

Neil throws the glove at Riko. It hits him in the chest, then falls to the ground. Around them, Neil realises, it’s gone entirely silent, a kind of awful, bated-breath silence.

“Pick it up,” Neil snarls, then again, louder. “Pick it up.”

“You’ve never had any manners,” Riko hisses. “You’re a waste of your family.”

“You’re a waste of a body,” Neil tells him. “Maybe if they cut you up, they’d get some use out of you. Pick it up.”

Slowly, Riko bends down. The second he takes hold of the glove, Neil feels all the air leave his chest, almost like relief. Matt goes, “No. No, Neil, you surely can’t -”

“Tomorrow,” Neil says, “I’ll send you the place.” He takes a breath. “I’ll give you the night to find someone to be your second. Start in the gutter. I’m sure you can buy a man.”

Riko smiles, all teeth. Neil keeps his eyes on him as Matt drags Neil away, backwards and through the crowd, anxiety roiling off him like a storm.

“Do you have any idea what you’ve consented to?” Matt asks, all horror.

“I always know what I’m consenting to,” Neil replies. Matt gives him a bleak look.

“This isn’t funny, Neil. Did he hit your head?”

“Scared I won’t make it till dawn?”

“No,” Matt says, “I’m sure you won’t. Renee’s already gone and told Andrew.” The twist of his mouth is telling. “Good luck living through the night.”

*

Historical notes:

The mourning period (or observance) for the death of a parent was typically 6 months to a year, and required wearing particular clothing. 

Hell is empty and all the devils are here is a line from Shakespeare’s The Tempest. 

Duelling in Regency Era England

Body parts for medical study and dissection were in high demand during this era, especially fresh corpses, which led to body snatching - which is what Neil’s referencing towards the end where he insults Riko (’You’re a waste of a body...’). 

#aftg #tfc #tfc fic #own writing #regency au

[markonasurface]

47/50 - “I can think of a million places I’d rather be right now.”

Fandom: All for the Game/The Foxhole Court Characters/pairings: Jean, Jeremy, Foxes/jerejean (jeremy likes jean) Summary: Jean is reminded of being waterboarded.

A/N: Still don’t know how to end fics. I know only the eastern teams have their banquets together but Perfect Court interacting.

Jean pulled uncomfortably at his tie. As relieved as he was that it wasn’t red, it still felt wrong. It was his first banquet as a Trojan. The Ravens had been disbanded but there were bound to be plenty of former Ravens on other teams.

After all, a team was only as good as its weakest link and the Ravens had been the best. Jean was willing to bet that a lot of the Ravens were still mad at him for leaving when they needed him most if the way they’d been treating him during games so far this year was any indication.

Not that he could have played. Riko had left him in a sorry state that few got to witness.

“Jean?” Jeremy knocked on the bathroom door. “We’ve gotta go.”

Jean opened the bathroom door and took one last glance in the mirror. He resisted the urge to pick at the scab under his left eye and faced Jeremy.

The bright grin he was met with almost made him feel like everything was going to be okay tonight. Almost.

“I told you the tie would go perfectly with your eyes,” Jeremy reached out to smooth Jean’s tie. “Let’s go.”

It was a short drive from the hotel to the hosting school’s court. Jean bit the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood. He jumped when he felt a hand on his and Jeremy gave a short laugh.

“Just me.” He raised his hands to show Jean he wasn’t touching him anymore.

Jean nodded stiffly and forced an easy smile onto his face. Just how Kevin had taught him.

“You don’t need to pretend for me,” Jeremy said softly.

“I’m pretending for me,” Jean admitted, the words feeling strange leaving his lips. Timothy, the team’s shrink, had told him to practice being honest about his vulnerability. It was okay.

“If you need to leave at any time,” Jeremy started.

“I’ll be fine,” Jean looked out the window and saw the Foxes pulling up at the same time.

“Kevin!” Jeremy waved and jogged over. He gave Kevin a hug.

“Jeremy,” Kevin said, looking slightly surprised. After a moment’s hesitation he shook hands with Jean. In French he said, “You look like you’re gonna be sick.”

Jean tried to roll his eyes. He gulped. “Is this how you felt last year? Times a thousand?”

“Probably.”

“He inhaled half a bottle of vodka in ten seconds on the bus last year,” Neil said and Kevin glared at him. He offered a hand and said, “Hey, Jeremy.”

Jeremy shook it, unfazed by being left out of their conversation. “Neil Josten. Congratulations on being made Vice Captain.”

Neil awkwardly thanked him.

“Jean!” Renee came over and wrapped her arms around him. He squeezed her back too tight. “Shall we go in, guys?”

Inside the Foxes left to change in the locker room and the Trojans continued to the court. The tables were set up how they typically were during their Exy banquets and Coach Rhemann went to get the seating chart.

Jean looked around with the practiced ease of always having to pretend he was okay. He spotted several former teammates with the Jackals and didn’t miss the snarls on their faces as he caught their eyes.

“C’mon, Jean,” Jeremy pulled him along.

He sat between Jeremy and Laila, mostly pushing his food around on his plate. He breathed easier once the Foxes settled into the empty seats at their table.

Renee and one of the twins sat across from him. Conversation flowed easily between Jean and Renee and he started to enjoy himself even. It helped that both Neil and Kevin were near enough to laugh at his jokes that only made sense in French.

“I like your new tattoo,” she commented and Jean self-consciously touched his fingers to his cheekbone. It still felt like a betrayal. Timothy had spent the last two weeks telling him it wasn’t but he still had trouble squashing the feeling down.

“Thanks.” He blushed.

“If Jeremy got one what do you think it’d be?” Renee mused, looking down the row at her teammates and at some of the Trojans. “I think a small sun would be perfect.”

Jean noticed the way her smile seemed to freeze in place and her eyes looked worriedly from Jean to Kevin.

He flinched at the next voice he heard. “A big L for loser.”

“Fuck off, Smith,” Neil spit out.

Smith ignored him and looked at his friend. “I think he’d get a dick tattooed on his face.”

“Ha. Ha.” Nicky said from a few seats over. “Very clever. A gay man getting a penis tattooed on his face. Wow. Amazing. Inspirational.”

Jean wished he had the courage to remind Smith of who Riko called any time he thought Jean might need to be fucked into submission. Despite the past half year, Jean was still a survivor and he held his tongue.

“Go away,” Neil warned, standing up.

“Neil,” Dan hissed.

Smith turned his ugly smile on Dan. “Hennessey! Long time no see! You’re not the ten I see but I’d still give you some ones. How ‘bout it?”

“Gee,” Andrew spoke up, bored. “You two really are clever. Weren’t you the one she sent to the ground with one hit last year?”

“No one asked you, Doe.”

“Your insults are so last year,” Allison took a sip of her punch. “It’s almost like without Riko none of you can come up with any new material. Pathetic.”

Jean felt the need to defend Riko, then remembered it was misplaced loyalty. Instead he stared at Kevin who finally opened his mouth. “As you can see, you’re not wanted here so you really should just fuck off now.”

“But we have a present for Jean,” Smith said and Jean’s blood ran cold.

“Don’t -” Kevin stood up quickly, knocking his chair over.

And Jean was drowning. He tried to breathe but inhaled water. He wrapped his hands around his throat, choking. He coughed and spluttered and his vision went blurry.

He felt hands on his arms and struggled against them.

Someone’s hands were on his face. “Look at me, Jean.”

Kevin’s face came into focus and Jean pushed him away. “Get away from me!” he cried. He pushed at Kevin again.

“Jean!” Kevin said loudly. He spoke in French. “We’re not there, Jean! Let me help you! Riko is dead. Jean, Jean! Look at me. Breathe. I’m sorry. Breathe. We’re okay. Okay?”

Slowly his breathing returned to normal and he took in his surroundings. He was on the floor, in a puddle and Kevin was kneeling over him, hands on either side of Jean’s head. A circle had formed and coaches and Exy players were staring.

He met Jeremy’s eyes and felt humiliated.

Kevin stood and offered him a hand up. His hand was firm on Jean’s back as he led him through the crowd towards the locker room.

They sat in silence on a bench until someone knocked. Wymack and Jeremy came in. Jean stared straight ahead, unwilling to acknowledge any of them.

“Some towels,” Jeremy held them up. “Coach said I can take you back to the hotel when you’re ready.”

Wymack held up a bag. “From Abby. Just in case.” He pursed his lips like he wanted to say more, then left.

Kevin took the towels from Jeremy and started helping Jean dry off and undress. He murmured softly in French and Jean kept staring blankly at a locker. He couldn’t stop shivering.

“Can I - can I help?” Jeremy asked.

Kevin looked over sharply as if just remembering where they were and who they were with. His gaze softened.

“Warm him up,” Kevin instructed, wrapping a towel around Jean’s shoulders.

He walked a short ways away and opened a locker, pulling out a duffle bag. He placed folded sweatpants and a t-shirt on the bench near Jean.

He pulled the shirt over Jean’s head then asked quietly in French, “Can you stand?”

Jean nodded, looking a little disoriented, but stood.

“Do you want me to help you?”

He shook his head and Kevin stepped away, letting him drop his slacks and boxers to the ground. He pulled on the sweatpants Kevin gave him and began trembling again.

Kevin handed him his orange Fox hoodie and Jean pulled it on, wrapping his arms around himself. He sat back down and Jeremy moved so he was straddling the bench so he could get closer to Jean. He pulled him into a hug and rubbed at his arms to help him warm up.

“Are you okay?” Jeremy asked because he couldn’t think of anything else.

“I can think of a million places I’d rather be right now.”

“Last thing,” Kevin said. He dug through the small bag Wymack had given him and pulled out a bottle. “This will help.”

Jeremy walked up the stairs behind Jean who was more than tipsy. He tripped and Jeremy grabbed the back of the orange hoodie. “C’mon, Jean. We’re almost there.”

He gave a terse nod at the old couple who passed them in the hall looking more than a little judgmental. Jean stumbled into the door. He turned so his back was to the wall and started sinking to the ground.

“No, no!” Jeremy grabbed his arm to stop his descent.

Somehow he managed to keep a grip on Jean’s arm and turn the door handle while pulling out his key card. Jean banged into the table.

Kevin had told him, “We didn’t drink when we were with the Ravens.” Jeremy had thought it an odd thing to bring up but now he knew it had been a warning.

“Jean! That’s my be-ed - okay.”

“I’m hot,” Jean said, turning over to lie on his back. “Why’s it so hot in here?”

Jeremy felt the warmth in the pit of his stomach. Jean was hot. Jeremy was very painfully aware of the fact. He ignored the feeling and went to help Jean untangle himself from Kevin’s hoodie.

Jean pulled his hand in an attempt to get off the sleeve Jeremy was tugging. Jeremy gasped when the force had him falling atop of Jean. Jean groaned and Jeremy felt his face burning. “It’s the alcohol,” he said belatedly.

“What?”

“That’s why you’re hot - warm - shit.” Jeremy rolled off of him. He lay side by side with Jean for a moment. “We should get your shoes off.”

He stopped when he felt Jean’s hand on his arm. “Just - just stay where you are for a minute.”

“Jean?”

“Mm?”

“Are you okay?”

Jean didn’t respond. Jeremy was about to push himself up on his elbows to peek at his face when he sighed.

“Y’know, I was gonna kill myself?” Jean slurred, rolling his head to face Jeremy even though his eyes were closed. “Still might.”

“What?” Jeremy felt his heart fall and a burning cold sensation washed over his skin.

“It’s all I thought about after Kevin signed with the orange people. You know, when I realized he wasn’t coming back.” Jean took long pauses between sentences. “Every time Riko beat me, I thought, just do it.”

Jeremy held his breath. There were a million things he wanted to tell Jean but words and phrases got tangled in his mind and none of it made it to his mouth.

“I am a fucking dog,” Jean continued, his words almost incoherent but their bitterness nearly shattering Jeremy’s heart. “Waiting for his dead owner to come back. Pathetic. There’s nothing left -”

“You are not an animal,” Jeremy didn’t want to hear anymore. “You are not property. Humans don’t own other humans. You are a human. And you have a future.”

“You don’t understand,” Jean said and blindly grabbed for his arm.

Jeremy twisted his arm so he was holding Jean’s hand. “Kevin told me enough.”

“No one understands ...” Jean trailed off, going silent.

His breathing evened out and Jeremy squeezed his limp hand. “I’m trying to understand,” he whispered. “You’re not alone anymore.”

He watched Jean dozing for a long time. All he could think about was what he already knew of Jean’s time at Evermore and everything he still didn’t know. The not knowing was hard because it let his imagination run wild. From the little Kevin mentioned and the way Jean reacted to things, he knew there wasn’t really a line Riko wasn’t willing to cross.

Maybe he was better off not knowing. He had a feeling knowing wouldn’t stop him feeling nauseated every time he heard Riko’s name or saw the white scars on the back of Kevin’s hand or any time Jean reacted strangely to normal interactions or normal things.

A noise escaped past Jean’s lips and Jeremy pushed himself up onto an elbow. Jean’s eyes were still closed but his eyebrows were furrowed and his hand between them was squeezed into a fist.

“No, no,” Jean was whimpering. “Please. Don’t do this to me. Don’t let them -”

Jean flinched suddenly and tried to sit up. He looked around before his eyes settled back on Jeremy.

“I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“You and me both.” Jeremy muttered and stayed up the rest of the night watching Jean.

#aftg #tfc #jerejean