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horansqueen · 4 years

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AM Conversations : chapter 54

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42 || CHAPTER 43 || CHAPTER 44 || CHAPTER 45 || CHAPTER 46 || CHAPTER 47 || CHAPTER 48 || CHAPTER 49 || CHAPTER 50 || CHAPTER 51 || CHAPTER 52 || CHAPTER 53

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- note for this chapter: this is the break-up from his POV. next chapter will be the very last one and im super excited for it but stressed also. so any love, comment, question, etc, that you send me makes me so happy i cant even explain how much :)

Chapter 54 : His chapter

NIALL

I was done with work earlier than usual, perhaps because I couldn't seem to concentrate or do anything good. The words didn't want to come out and if someone had just met me, they could believe I had never touched a guitar in my life. I closed my eyes when I got out of the building and inhaled deeply. I had stopped trying to forget the words Olivia had told me. They kept hitting the sides of my brain like a fucking screensaver and it was torturing me.

"I can’t stop loving you, no matter how hurt I get. No matter how sad you make me. No matter how tough this is. Because it’s so tough dating you, Niall. I never thought it would be so hard."

I had never stopped myself to think about how hard it was to date me. In fact, I never cared before and I never stayed with someone long enough to think about it. All I really understood with her words was that I kept hurting her and making her feel like shit, and that despite that, she still loved me and would stay with me. It should be a relief, but it actually brought a constant feeling of guilt and pain inside me. What kind of monster does that? What kind of person was I if I just kept her around while hurting her? What kind of person was I becoming and how would I be able to look at myself in the mirror after that?

I felt something stir in my stomach and started walking in the city without a specific destination. I didn't want to go home and I was not sure why, I pushed my hands in my pockets, my mind still on my girlfriend and everything we had gone through in the past months. If there was one thing I knew, it was that I loved her. I loved her more than I've ever loved anyone and I knew i'd never feel like that for anyone else.

"Love is not everything." I let out in a low voice, repeating her words as I tried to let them sink in. "But it should be, Olivia, shouldn't it?"

I sighed, knowing i'd never be able to tell her that face to face and stopped walking for a few seconds. I breathed in and out, focusing on the air in my lungs but despite my best efforts, I couldn't stop my heart from beating hard against my rib cage. It was ridiculous. I wanted to be with her, I wanted our story to last, but the simple thought made me feel uneasy. Heidi was right, I didn't want this to be the last experience i'd have, whether it was emotionally or sexually, and I was not ready to commit, at least not the way Olivia was. I held my breath wondering if I was lying to myself about the guilt and pain I felt knowing that I kept hurting her and that maybe it wasn't the real reason why I wanted out but I just shook my head and opened my eyes. Both reasons were real but they felt very opposite. Letting go of her because I kept hurting her and I wanted her to be happy looked like abnegation, but wanting to protect my freedom was selfish as hell.

I stopped at a cafe that was almost empty and ordered one before sitting alone at a table. I grabbed my phone to send my girlfriend a text message but quickly changed my mind. What could I tell her anyway? I was not going to break up with her in a text message and just sending her 'we need to talk' is a torture she clearly didn't deserve.

I started looking at pictures of us together and frowned a bit, swallowing hard. She had been nothing but a great best friend and a good girlfriend that did all she could to adapt to the lifestyle I was stuck in and I was about to break her heart. The sudden realization that I was really going to leave her came to me and made my whole body throb. I felt nauseous and I gripped the sides of the small table until my fingers turned white. I didn't really want to do this and at the same time, I knew I had to, and not only for her, but also for myself.

I stared at the dark color of my coffee for a while, hoping I was actually drinking something a bit stronger. I was not going to, though, if only to be sure I wouldn't be intoxicated when i'd get back home to tell her. I owed her that, didn't i? Plus, I was sort of expecting her to fight back or beg me to change my mind, and I knew it was going to be hard resisting, but changing my mind would only mean postponing the whole thing.

I sighed and brought my hands together as I played with my fingers. It was ridiculous to be nervous for that but at the same time, being totally zen about it would be even weirder. I got up quickly and threw my coffee in the bin, suddenly impatient to get rid of this discussion but after a very quick walk, when I stood in front of my house, I was not so impatient anymore.

It took me half an hour to walk in and I only knew because I actually counted the seconds in my head. My hands were sweaty, my heart was threatening to jump out of my chest by my throat, and something was permanently stirring in my stomach.

I stared at the doorknob for a while before turning it and walking in. She was sitting on the couch and when she turned to me, my eyes fluttered as well as my heart. She waved at me, a small smile playing on her lips, and I felt my heart swell with love. I sent her a small smile, trying to contain my feelings inside, and just went to get changed into more comfortable clothes. I stopped by the bathroom, staring at my reflection for a few minutes, thinking about how much of a coward I was, and when I came back in the living room, I just sat next to her without sending her a glance. She immediately cuddled me and I felt my heart twist in my chest. It felt good to be close to her and I desperately wanted to take her in my arms, but I couldn't stop telling myself that no one can have everything. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

I felt her lips brush on my jaw and it felt incredible. I remained tensed and motionless but when she grabbed my hand, I couldn't handle it anymore. I quickly got up and walked quickly to the kitchen. I heard her voice calling my name twice but I ignored it until I felt her closer. Instead, I grabbed a beer in the fridge to ease my nerves. When I turned around to lean against the counter, I noticed she remained close to the exit as if she didn't really want to have the discussion we were about to have and frankly, I didn't really want to have this discussion either. That's when the worst words ever created came out of my lips.

“Look, Liv, we need to talk.”

I looked at her facial expression change into fear and it hurt me so much that I had to look away. I bent down to take an other beer and opened it before handing it to her. It took her a few seconds but she walked closer and grabbed it from my hand, her fingers brushing against mine. Why did her touch always make me feel like that?

I took a few sips from my drink as I repeated the same sentence over and over in my head without really wanting to say it out loud. I made sure I was not looking at her but when I finally gathered enough courage, my gaze finally met hers.

“I think we should break up, Olivia.” I let out firmly even if deep inside, that was not how I felt. “At least, for now.”

A feeling of relief washed over me as these words dropped but it immediately left me completely when I saw her face. Her beer slipped out of her hand and ended on the floor but I just kept staring at her like I didn't notice.

"No..." her voice was low and I could swear I heard it crack slightly. "Why?"

I pushed myself off the counter and passed my hand in my hair nervously. I didn't want to explain everything to her and telling her I was doing that to stop hurting her felt stupid even if it was one of the reasons why I was breaking up with her, just not the only reason. I also didn't want her to blame herself, what good would it bring? I'd rather be the bad selfish guy, perhaps it was going to help her get over me quicker.

“I’m just not ready for a relationship.” I just pointed out, raising my shoulders. “I don’t want to commit, be official, and everything.”

“I’m.. i’m not the first girl you date. You dated Maya before me? And a few other girls?”

I was a bit surprised by her question because to me, the difference between her and all these other girls was very obvious. How could she compare herself to girls I never really wanted to be with? Girls I never really loved?

“I didn’t love any of them, I knew I wouldn’t stay with them.” I explained, putting my beer on the counter and walking up to her slowly, scared she was just going to run away. As I feared, she took a step back. “But what we have is real.. it’s deep, I mean, it could last forever.”

It was scary how I meant every word I had just said. I knew I was going to end up with her but I also knew it wasn't going to start now. Our love story couldn't continue for now but it would, at some point. I had never been more sure of anything else in my life.

“That makes no sense.” she whispered to me. “What are you talking about?”

I was a bit hurt that she didn't understand and somehow, I realized that she didn't see things the way I saw them. She didn't believe we'd end up together in a few years. She didn't understand why I was breaking up with her now and why I had stayed with the other girls I dated, even if I hadn't dated any of them for as long as I dated her. How was I going to explain that to her?

I walked closer and felt a small relief when she didn't back away. My eyes roamed on her face as I brought my hand to her cheek, brushing my fingertips on her soft skin. I looked at her fondly, and held my breath. She was beautiful, and It was unbelievable that I hadn't noticed just how much before we started dating. I was so blind before but now, I could see her. I could really see her. Perhaps it was simply because I was in love with her but who was I trying to fool? There's nothing 'simple' in 'being in love"... and I was. I was madly in love with that girl. My eyes dropped to her lips and the only thing I wanted to do was to kiss her. I wanted to feel her mouth against mine for the last time in a very long time. Her lips parted and my heart jumped in my chest. It took so much strength not to bend down and kiss her when every fucking fiber of my body told me to do it.

“I’ve never been in love before and I knew whatever I had with them wouldn’t last. But you and me? It’s different. We could spend our lives together.”

“And we were supposed to.” she argued as tears fell slid on her cheeks. “But you’re ruining it.”

I felt my heart jump up in my throat at the sight of her tears and had to twist the bottom of my shirt to make sure I wouldn't take her in my arms. She looked so sad and I felt like shit knowing I was the one making her feel like that but at the same time, I knew it was one big deception that would lead to her being happy again. Happy without me.

“I’m sorry, Olivia.” I apologized again, shaking his head a bit as I stared at her. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. It wouldn't fair of me. “I know it’s selfish but i’m just not ready… i’m not ready to accept this as what i’ll go through every day. We fight and we make up and then cuddle on the couch… this is not what I want for me, this is not what I want for us.”

“Don’t fucking lie, Niall. You’re just not ready to accept that you’ll only wake up to me every morning, that you won’t get to see an other naked girl dress up and leave your room at dawn and that you’d have to call me to tell me you’ll stay late at the bar with your friends. It’s your freedom you’re saving over our love. It’s your fucking freedom that you don’t want to lose. And clearly you love it more than you love me.”

The truth behind her words hit me deeply and it opened a wound inside me, making me realize that my fears were real. I was a selfish person and there was no reason for me to deny it or argue with her about it. She was right and it hurt like hell to know I was not the only one thinking that.

“I love you so much. So fucking much.”

I didn't feel like I had the right to say it but I did it anyway. I was already seen as the selfish guy I was, and I was going to say everything I want to tell her no matter what. I pressed my hand on her warm cheek and her lips parted. I wanted to run my thumb on her bottom one before kissing her. I wanted to show her how much I loved her.

“Don’t you fucking touch me, don’t you fucking dare tell me you love me!” she said angrily, breaking my heart even more. “You don’t love me! I love you!”

“But I do! Olivia I do love you!”

It seemed like she was too mad to hear in the tone of my voice that I was begging her to believe me. I was not sure why I needed her to believe my words, though. Perhaps, an other silly whim of a selfish man.

“D'you want to know where you can put that love, Niall?”

My face twisted in pain again as I tried to keep my tears in.

“Don’t say that Liv, please…”

This time, she was crying so hard I had to turn around to hide the grimace I made as I teared up.

“Oh fuck off, Niall!”

She stormed out of the kitchen and I started sobbing low to make sure she wouldn't hear. Holding my tears and my sobs made my throat hurt and I wiped the tears quickly, just in time to hear her push the door of our bedroom roughly. I breathed in, trying not to show that I cried, and walked back to the living room. Her eyes met mine again and I had to swallow to make sure I wouldn't beg her to stay. Once again, we stared at each other for a while like we were both waiting for something but after a while, she just shook her head.

“I’ll pick the rest of my stuff later.”

She walked past me and my eyes fluttered at her scent. She still smelled of honey and vanilla and it made me want to grab her arm and pull her close to be able to smell it a bit longer. I didn't though, I just let her walk to the door and when her hand reached for the knob, I tensed. If it was the right thing to do, why did it feel like the worst mistake I ever made?

“I love you, Olivia. I always will. You’re the love of my life.”

I meant every word and more, I just didn't know how to express them. Not yet and not in words, but a bunch of lyrics came to my mind as she opened the door even if making something out of them would take time. She walked out and left the door open but it took me a few seconds to walk up to it. I saw her walk up to the street slowly, her bag on her shoulder. She disappeared in the rainy night and I lost her, maybe forever.

------

I could barely hear the music around me or the people talking, laughing and sometimes screaming. I just focused on the pen in my hand and the way it moved on my napkin as I scribbled my thoughts and feelings. I didn't even get changed or anything. After Olivia left, I remained standing under the door frame for a long time just watching the rain pour hard on the cement until I realized that my tears were blurring the sight. Then I sent a text message and grabbed my coat to drive to the pub. It smelled like beer, cigarettes and cheap perfume but somehow, it comforted me and I sat on a stool to start writing. It's crazy how pain can inspire the human kind, and very sad at the same time.

I grabbed my beer and took a long sip of it before putting it back roughly on the counter and quickly write more words. They had to come out now or I knew they'd keep hurting the same way the tears that I kept it when I broke up with Olivia had hurt me.

"I knew you'd call me, didn't think it would be so soon, though."

I breathed in and my eyes finally moved up only to see Heidi smiling at me. My eyes roamed on her dress and normally, it would do something to me. Not tonight. My eyes moved back to my napkin and I felt her sit next to me and order a drink but didn't give her more attention. I should feel bad since i'm the one who called her but I think I just didn't want to feel alone. I thought about calling Louis instead but I had the feeling he was with Liv.

"So, your place or mine?" Heidi asked, putting her hand on my arm.

Her fingers brushed on my skin and instead to make me shiver like it should have, it made me frown.

"I didn't call you to fuck, H." I pointed out, my eyes meeting hers again. "I just needed a friend."

She kept running one of her fingertips on my skin and I licked my lips, glancing down at her hand.

"Come on, Niall, you're finally free." she insisted with a small shrug. "There's gotta be some perks."

Her words made me think of Olivia and as much as I wanted to take my arm back, it felt like I was frozen with pain. I felt half-dead without her but the part of me that was still alive was never going to give up. It was a small part but it really wanted to survive the pain I purposely put it in.

"Not tonight." I let out after a while, shaking my head.

"You think she's not shagging someone right now? Which friend of yours is she close to again? Louis yea?"

This time, I shook my head harder with a small smile. It was a ridiculous to even consider that option.

"No, no way." I chuckled. "He wouldn't do that, he still loves El. Olivia wouldn't that either I mean, we just broke up."

Heidi rolled her eyes and took a sip of her drink as she shook her head too.

"No, you broke up with her, which means she doesn't owe you anything anymore, and you don't owe her anything either."

I looked down with a frown and stared at the paper I had in hands, re-reading the words I had written. Olivia and I were going to end up together at some point, I could feel it, but it wasn't now. I felt my whole body throb suddenly and I felt a bit dizzy at the thought of losing her forever but quickly cleared my throat and looked up at Heidi.

"I'm sorry I called you, I'm not ready for that."

Her facial expression changed but she sighed a bit too loud and nodded.

"Alright then, can I have a ride home?"

I took my beer and swallowed what was left before searching through my pockets for money to pay for both our drinks. Heidi got up too and grabbed the napkin with my song on it as I finally put a bill on the table. I saw her reading it and frowned, snatching it from her hand quickly.

"That's personal." I just let out, pushing it deep in my pocket and walking past her to get out of the bar.

I heard her follow me quickly outside and noticed that she wasn't wearing heels on that day, which was quite surprising. We both got in my car in silence and she waited until we were almost at her place to turn her head my way with a frown.

"You really believe the words you wrote or do you simply think it'll make a good song?"

I sighed, not giving her a glance, and kept my eyes on the road.

"I believe every single word." I explained after parking in her driveway and turning to her.

She sent me a weird look and a sorry smile as brought her hand to my cheek.

"Niall, don't be delusional." she let out in a whisper. "We're not in a fairy tale, this is real life. In a few weeks you'll feel differently anyway, I promise you'll be over her."

I moved back slowly, feeling her fingers slip off my face and it was her turn to sigh.

"I'll be waiting for your call." she just pointed out before moving closer to kiss my lips.

It took me by surprise and I held my breath as my heart jumped against my rib cage. Why did that feel like cheating?

"Goodnight, Niall."

"'Night."

The ride home was short but I couldn't seem to slow down the beatings of my heart. I brought my hand to my mouth a few times, trying to wipe Heidi's kiss from my lips and felt myself tear up when I realized she was now the last person who kissed me. It was not Olivia anymore, and it really hurt like hell.

I rushed inside and grabbed my guitar, putting the napkin on my coffee table before sitting on the floor. I started singing a bit, trying to find a melody to this song as my fingers slid gently on the strings of my guitar. I was also trying to to let tears out and to just concentrate on the song I was creating but had to stop after a while. My eyes kept moving on some of the words I had written. I had passed with my pen on the words over and over again and the sight of it made me swallow. By re-writing them over and over, it made the ink darker and ripped the paper a bit. I was wondering if I did it because I really believed my words or because I wanted to make them real.

"I can promise it I can guarantee At the end of the road I see you with me"

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