#Not even allowing myself to be adventurous in the gym because I was too terrified of what people would think of me :'(

[dromaeocore]

Am I an introvert who likes to go out and Do Stuff but Not Talk To Anyone or am I just an extrovert with one of the most severe cases of social anxiety in the goddamn fucking universe

#the mystery will never be solved #[constantly wants to go Out and Explore][stays home because the mental exhaustion from Worrying What People Are Thinking Abt Me is THAT bad #[stays home because half the things I wanna do are dangerous daredevil things that require a group of similar Dumbasses to spot you] #i think some of the best fun I ever had was when I lived with my friend's sibling #and we'd go out at night and take turns speeding down the road riding on the roof of their car #or run around in the middle of thunderstorms #I need a squad of Dumbass Adventure Bros to take me out of my shell and do stupid shit like that with #I've never had luck with anyone I know but most of my friends are/were AFAB or cis gay dudes and all ya'll have too many brain cells #I need to make friends with some dumbass jocks who'll let me tag along on Dumbass Jock Adventures #just do some absolute moron shit #yet the prospect of how people make friends elude me. when I went to rock climbing club a few years ago I wound up shutting down and sittin #in the corner and avoiding everyone and just. completely muting my personality. #Not even allowing myself to be adventurous in the gym because I was too terrified of what people would think of me :'( #I want to do so many things but all these things require like. a bro squad #and I'm an awkward tiny trans guy #...Eh there's a pandemic it's not like any of this is happening any time soon #maybe I'll get a job and meet some people at work #I just want some rock climbing and urbex bros #is that so much to ask? #Wanted: Like 3 - 6 dumbass bro friends who have exactly ZERO brain cells between all of them this is a NO THOUGHTS ALLOWED ZONE

[oddestoddish]

Entry #2 - The Slumbering Weald

The gate was closed when we went to Hop’s house the day before.

Hop and I were determined to get an endorsement for the gym challenge. Originally I’d agreed only because Hop thought I’d have fun with it, but after that first battle I found myself wanting to participate more and more.

Before that, though, Leon wanted us to see the professor in Wedgehurst. I needed to let mom know of course, so Hop and I headed to my house to ask her.

We heard the crash somewhere on the road there.

Hurrying down the path, we saw the gate into the Slumbering Weald. A dark and dangerous forest that sat not far from my house and the rescue. Growing up, mom had always drilled one thing into my head— never, ever, enter the Slumbering Weald. And to her credit, it was a dangerous place. The mayor of Postwick had it closed off after numerous disappearances— including my father’s.

The temptation was difficult to ignore. There was always some pull to the forest that I couldn’t explain. The mist that constantly ran through the place and flowed out of the entrance was creepy, yet enticing. Sometimes I felt like I needed to go in there. But, considering I barely went anywhere outside mine or Hop’s house, I was always... Too terrified. Fear overwhelmed curiosity. The locked gate was always reminding me to stay away.

But now it was unlocked. More than that, it was swung wide open.

The day before, Hop and I had scolded a Wooloo from the farm for trying to open the gate into the forest. We’d assumed it had gotten the message and lead it back to Hop’s.

We were silently berating ourselves for not making sure, or not mentioning the occurence to Hop’s mother. The crash was a dead give away to what had happened— the Wooloo had returned and bashed it’s way through. It had likely wandered in, and we could only assume it could be in danger from there. I didn’t know what to do, but Hop insisted we go after it.

I hesitated. I’d been afraid of that place since I was a little kid— had been told hundreds of times to not even think of heading inside. My house was right around the corner, we could’ve gone and gotten mom... But then again, it could’ve been to late at that point. The poor thing could’ve been snatched up by whatever had caused the disappearances in the past.

By whatever had caused my dad’s disappearance.

Suddenly the open gate felt like an invitation. The lock was broken and the temptation was too much to be drowned out now. I summoned all my courage, and we made the trek inside.

It was darker thanI expected. The dense forest created a thick canopy of leaves above that allowed little to no light through. I had to wonder how the foliage was so abundant. Perhaps the plants here thrived better in the darkness.

Hop and I traveled a long way, and at one point I looked back. I couldn’t see the entrance anymore, nor the light that came from it. I felt a shiver go down my spine, and I was suddenly glad I wasn’t in here alone. Bubble clung to my shoulder, and we gave one another comfort as Hop lead us further into the fog filled woods.

Over a bridge, past patches of tall grass, until we noticed the fog growing thicker as we walked. Still no sign of Wooloo. The path brought us to a small open clearing, and I nearly ran into Hop as he halted suddenly.

Standing there was a Pokémon we’d never seen before. It had a wolfish build, and long blue fur that appeared draped on it’s tan under-fur like a blanket. Long ginger hair that resembled braids flowed from under it’s ears, and it watched us with bright glowing golden eyes. It was difficult to see in full, it almost appeared one with the fog.

I felt like it’s gaze bore right into me. Maybe like it was calling me. I was used to Pokémon being drawn to me— They were drawn to me, and I to them. It was almost like I could learn to understand what they were saying, thoughI could never quite figure it out. It had been like this since I was a toddler, but I’d never felt so... Afraid. There was something this Pokémon wanted from me. Something it was trying to tell me, but I couldn’t figure out what.

The best sense I could think of was ‘you are not ready yet’.

I found myself nearly hiding behind Hop, and our own Pokémon jumped forward to protect us from this strange being. They attacked.

However, the attacks wouldn’t go through. The Pokémon didn’t even seemed fazed— as if the moved passed right through it. With each attack, the fog grew thicker, and eventually Bubble and Scorbunny scrambled back to us in fear.

The Pokémon huffed, then let out a piercing howl. Whatever it had done, fog and wind swirled from it and began battering the four of us. It wasn’t long before I had trouble seeing my own hands, and I lost visual of Hop completely. The only thing I could see were those two glowing eyes, piercing the fog and staring me down.

My heart was racing. All I could think of was the possibility that we were going to disappear too. That whatever this Pokémon was was the culprit behind every incident in the Slumbering Weald.

The next thing I remember, I was waking up to Leon’s panicked voice. The fog had died down considerably, and the forest itself appeared a bit brighter somehow. Hop was waking up not far from me, and Bubble was sitting beside me in worry.

According to Leon, he’d been waiting for us at the professor’s lab, and when we never showed he came looking. He’d found us passed out with our Pokémon and the missing Wooloo.

He gave us an earful for sure, scolding us about wandering into the forest and telling us how worried he was. We explained why we had gone in and what we saw on our way back out, but Leon had no explanation for the mad Pokémon. Even mom didn’t have a clue— after she’d gotten done giving us another scolding.

The gym challenge doesn’t start for a week or two yet, so we decided to put off our trip to the lab to recover from our little adventure. Even then, I found myself unable to really rest. I couldn’t stop thinking about that Pokémon. What was it? What did it want?

And why did I feel the need to find it again?

#pokemon #pokemon sword and shield #pokemon sword #odd #oc #original character #hop #odds journal #slumbering weald #zacian

[depressedhatakekakashi]

Secret Hideaway

AU: Pokemon Au

Words: 1968

Pairing: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka

Summary: During a day off together, Iruka decided to show Kakashi an interesting place he found on his last adventure in Viridian forest.

Viridian forest, one of the first places that any new trainer would find themselves in. Full of all different kinds of bug pokemon, and trainers waiting to test out their strength and prove themselves to anyone they ran into.

Also one of the quietest places to get away to if someone just wanted an escape from the city. Which was always a bonus for Kakashi, who lived right beside the forest and was always looking for an excuse to get away from the Viridian city gym for a little while. The only thing that made these little visits to the forest better, was when Iruka was able to get away from the Pewter city gym to join him.

That was, of course, a bonus of living so close to one’s boyfriend. Even if they were in different cities, it wasn’t hard for them to meet up for even just a day in the forest. To take a walk together with the trees overhead and the sound of bug pokemon scurrying through the grass all around them.

Today had been one of those special days. Something they had been planning all week as a treat for surviving another year of constant challengers coming through their doors before the Pokemon league, and for Kakashi not making anyone cry for an entire week.

Now here they were, walking side by side through the forest. Enjoying each other’s company and already talking about the lunch that Kakashi had packed away in a picnic basket for them.

Directly in front of them, Jolteon and Persian led the way to the spot that Iruka had picked out for them this afternoon. A surprise that he had promised Kakashi he would love, having gone to look at it himself during a training day that he had decided to spend in the forest.

“So, you just stumbled upon this place?” Kakashi asked, a little skeptical of the story that Iruka had given him. “Just tripped over a rock and came crashing down into it?”

“That’s not, shut up,” shoving Kakashi in the shoulder, Iruka turned his eyes up towards the sky. “If you’re going to be like that, we don’t have to go. I can just keep the secret to myself.”

“It’s not that. I’m just surprised that there’s a place in the forest I haven’t been to,” digging a treat out of his pocket, Kakashi threw it towards Jolteon and watched as he jumped up into the air to catch it in her teeth. “Though, I will admit I haven’t done that much exploring in the forest.” It was pretty difficult to get time away from the gym, and when he did he usually had other things to do. Trips to make to see his other friends, training to take care of, and errands around the city that needed his attention.

“Exactly,” a blinding smile greeted him when he glanced over at Iruka. “You’re not the most adventurous person. Surely there are lots of things in this forest you haven’t seen yet.”

“It wouldn’t be surprising.” Really, when Kakashi was in the forest most of the time he stuck to the path. Only going into the bushes to train for a bit, or to help an injured pokemon that he saw. Straying off of the path wasn’t something that he made a habit out of, which limited just how much of the forest he actually saw. There was no doubt in his mind that Iruka had taken the time to actually explore the places Kakashi didn’t bother to go into. He was adventurous like that. Always talking about seeing every inch of Kanto that there was, while Kakashi preferred to stick to familiar paths.

He had enough troubles during his journeys as a kid, following Gai off of the path into all sorts of danger.

“It’s a beautiful spot. With a nice little pond and lots of trees around every inch of it. The perfect hiding spot away from other people,” quirking an eyebrow, Kakashi waited for Iruka to continue. “There’s also a story about it. At least, I think it’s about that spot. I tried to look it up at the Pewter city library when I got home, but there wasn’t much information other than a small fable. The description of the spot it was talking about was similar to the one I’m taking you to today, though. So I think it’s the same place.”

That sounded oddly terrifying.

“Are you sure this isn’t one of those special hide-aways that humans aren’t supposed to go to?” there were a few of those around the world. Special places that didn’t appear for humans, or that could only be seen if a human accidentally stumbled upon them. Safe spaces for pokemon to get away from humans.

“The fable says it’s just well hidden,” Iruka clarified. “I mean, it might be. But the story surrounding it includes Humans, so i think we’re welcome there. At least, a few of us are.”

Glancing towards their Pokémon, Kakashi watched as Jolteon stopped beside the bushes to look back at him, allowing Persian to go ahead of her while she waited for the go ahead.

Iruka wasn’t one to put him in a dangerous situation, always yelling at Kakashi for taking a Pokémon’s attack head on in training, or being too reckless during morning runs with his Pokémon and injuring himself. So there was no doubt in his mind that the place was safe.

Still, he felt like he didn’t have all of the necessary information. Like Iruka was holding something back from him.

“What is this fable?” He asked, waving Jolteon ahead and watching as she dashed after Persian while him and Iruka followed. “You keep mentioning it, but you haven’t actually told me anything about it yet.”

A look crossed over Iruka’s face that Kakashi couldn’t quite place. A weird mixture of fondness and horror that he was certain he had never seen before. “Well, it’s a rather interesting story,” he started. “It’s said that for those human’s that find their way to the spot, they can bring someone they care deeply about. Someone that they L-L…”

Even after all this time, Iruka sometimes found it difficult to say that word. It was actually a little cute. Usually Iruka was the first to admit his feelings freely, unafraid to let everyone around him know what was on his mind. When it came to Kakashi, though, he seemed a lot more timid.

As if he was afraid that those feelings wouldn’t be returned, no matter how many times Kakashi assured him that they were.

“So, you decided to bring me?” he teased, allowing Iruka an escape from having to say that word out loud for now. “Is this your new way of saying that you love me, Iruka? Taking me to cute places where you’re supposed to have a nice date?”

“It’s more than that,” grabbing hold of a hanging tree branch, Iruka moved it out of his way and stepped past it. Taking the lead as the area around them became more restrictive of space. “It’s said that if you take someone that you...well, Love,” he finally choked out the word. “Then it’s your chance to declare your desire for them. There’s a part of the fable that talks about watching the sunset together, and states that when the sun sinks down over the horizon a special pokemon may make itself seen. It doesn’t say what the pokemon is, just that it’s legendary.”

A legendary pokemon was always a nice thing to see. Perhaps if they were lucky, it would be Zapdos. Kakashi always loved a chance to see his favorite legendary bird.

“If the lucky couple sees that pokemon, and they share a...well, ummm…”

This time when Iruka started to cut himself off, Kakashi couldn’t help but feel it was for another reason. Less to do with his own embarrassment, and more to do with Kakashi’s own comfort.

They had talked about many things when they first started dating, the most important conversation being about the things that they were and were not comfortable with. For Kakashi, one of those things involved Kissing.

It had been hard to explain, and he had been so afraid Iruka would dump him when he found out. Decide that he wanted nothing to do with Kakashi when he couldn’t even do some of the things that other couples did together, but he had been so understanding and sweet.

Promised Kakashi that it wasn’t a requirement, and that the things they could do together would simply be more cherished by him because of how important they were. Of course, that didn’t mean Iruka didn’t miss it.

“And what happens if they do that, hmm?” He interrupted. “Surely there’s a reward for such a bold move.”

“Well, ummm,” Placing a hand against the back of his head, Iruka chuckled awkwardly. “It’s said that if they do...well, it means that they’ll spend the rest of their lives together.” Embarrassment gave way to excitement. A gleam of hope sparkling in Iruka’s eyes when he glanced back at Kakashi.

The rest of their lives.

Kakashi couldn’t help but admit that it did sound nice. Knowing that he would be with Iruka forever, happy and loved. It was the stuff of dreams, at least for him.

“You know,” Watching as Persian and Jolteon disappeared through a bunch of trees and bushes directly in front of them, Kakashi reached out and took hold of Iruka’s hand. “You already have forever with me, if that’s what you want. I’m not going anywhere.”

Iruka’s eyes widened.

“I-are you…” averting his gaze, he squeezed Kakashi’s hand lightly. “I mean, you don’t have to make that promise. We don’t know what the future holds and…”

Using the grip he had on Iruka’s hand, Kakashi pulled the other man close to his body and draped his free arm around his neck. A soft hug, his way of telling Iruka to stop talking.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he clarified, tangling his fingers between Iruka’s and holding their joined hands up in front of them. “You’re amazing. Sweet, thoughtful, dedicated. Always challenging me to be a better person. I can’t imagine my life without you Iruka, and a kiss doesn’t even hope to compare to the feelings that I have for you.”

The feeling of something tugging on his pants pulled him out of his thoughts, and forced him to look down to see Jolteon standing there looking up at him trying desperately to tug him towards the area she had just returned from.

“We should get moving,” Iruka chuckled. “I think Jolteon and Persian have waited for lunch long enough.”

That was true. The pair had been bugging them for food since they started on their journey to this secret spot, and no doubt they were starving now. Desperate to get some food in their bellies.

“Alright,” retracting his hand from Iruka’s he took a step back, smiling when the other man turned to face him. “But don’t forget what I said, got it? I don’t need a fable to tell me who I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with.”

A soft smile tugged at Iruka’s lips.

“Neither do I,” His smile grew when Jolteon stood up on her back legs and pawed at Kakashi’s side. “I mean, our pokemon are in love too, so that means something. Right?”

It took a minute for Kakashi to process what exactly Iruka had just said, but as soon as he did he started to laugh. Loud and bright, ignoring Jolteon’s continued insistence that he get moving so that she could eat.

He really had picked the best out of the bunch with Iruka.

#KakaIru #Hatake Kakashi #Umino Iruka #taryn's birthday fics #taryn's birthday celebration 2021 #Pokemon au #Ace Kakashi #It was sort of hard to figure out how to Ace Kakashi here i'm sorry T.T

[mochikeiji]

Take a Hint.

↠ Pairing: Bokuto Koutarou x Akaashi Keiji

↠ Warning: College AU! Fukurodani Volleybal Team!(with managers) Shy Akaashi! Popular Bokuto! Slight NSFW, Fluffy

↬ Word Count: 3,912

Summary: First year college student, Akaashi Keiji begins his new life away from the comfort of his home solitude. Growing up to be an introvert, Akaashi had a hard time gaining friends and fitting in. But what happens to someone when they've met a rowdy senior who somehow slithers their way into their lives and becomes their only friend? Or maybe more.

⇢ Day 2: Obliviousness/Pinning, Roomates, College AU @bokuakaweek2020

✎﹏

It really is terrifying for some to move out of the comfort of their house and their personal room to move into a dorm for their first year in college. For some it seemed fun and adventurous, only because they were an extrovert.

Unlike Akaashi, a man with few words, was an introvert. Sure he used to play volleyball back in his highschool days— even got himself the spotlight as their schools top tier setter, but he believes he could never match the other monsters such as Atsumu Miya, Kageyama Tobio and former captain of an opposing school, Oikawa Tooru. To him, he was nothing but an average person trying to get a good grade and a college degree and good job and die just like that.

His mother did try to tell him to atleast make some friends during his days in highschool so he wouldn't be so lonely. He couldn't say he can't do it due to his facial expression and blunt words. He couldn't help it, it was already part of his charisma. Now, he wished he wasn't so alone as he carries a box of his belongings in a crowded hallway to the dorms. Seeing other freshmen and seniors helping out each other was one thing he secretly envied. He wanted a friend too, but he was just clueless on how to even make one.

Keeping his head lowered and muttering small, soft excuses on his way to his dorm, he manages to make his way smoothly away from the crowd, thinking they might've been whispering stuff about him being odd when clearly no one even saw him pass through.

Rummaging in his pocket for the key, he pulls out the small metallic object. But before he could thrust the key up into the doorknob, it flung open.

"Oh? Are you my roommate!?"

The chattering hallway was immediately silenced as the mega phone like tone of voice dominated the entire atmosphere. He was a loud person, Akaashi thought.

"Y-yes, but you may want to keep it do—"

"Ah? What are you nervous about! These guys," he points behind Akaashi with a grin, "They're all my buds! Right? Hey!" he starts as the students behind Akaashi laughed and followed his lead, "Hey, hey, hey!!"

It surprised the black haired male to see them, even the mean looking ones just go along with this mans quirks. He must be popular then.

"Anyways, come in! I'll show ya around." Bringing his hand on Akaashi's smaller frame from behind, he flinches from the contact and squeaks silently with the door clicking behind him closed. Sighing, he takes a long look at each corner of the dorm. It only held two beds from each side and two study tables. Typical.

He then reviews over his roommate's side of the dorm, it wasn't as neat as he expected from him. His bag was wode open with papers bulging out, his sheets were torn off the mattress, and what caught his eye was a volleyball jersey displayed on his pillow.

So that's why he was so popular, he thought.

"Sorry about the mess there, didn't expect my roommate to come until tomorrow." Bokuto follows Akaashi's eyes, giving him a sheepishly smile while scratching the back of his head in embarrassment. "But enough about that, I forgot to introduce myself." he swung his right arm toward Akaashi, "My name's Bokuto, Bokuto Koutarou, second year college student."

Fumbling with the box, Akaashi quickly places it down on his side and bows in respect, "Sorry, I didn't know you were a senior....Senpai." he can feel his skin crawl with goosebumps from the honorific rolling out of his tongue like a female character in a shonen manga, "I'm Akaashi Keiji, first year college student. Thank you for having me here."

After that small introduction Akaasgi managed to pull off, he was giving himself a pat on the back for actually interacting with someone normally with out bluntly saying anything out of the blue.

Or so, he thought.

"A-ah, no, it's fine. You can just lay off the honorifics, Kaashi. Bokuto is fine."

He was caught off guard by the sudden nickname he was given. I guess they were in that bases now. Akaashi gets up from his position and gives him a small nod, "Very well, Bokuto."

The room fell into a deep silence, other than the sound of Akaashi's stuff being carefully put away properly. His other stuff were still downstairs in his mother's car, he'd have to hurry un packing. But his movements were not only slow, nor careful, it was as if he was trying not to mess up or do something embarrassing as he felt golden eyes just grazing at the back of his head.

"Say, Kaashi," flinching again from Bokuto's sudden call, "Do you play volleyball? You have pretty big hands for a small boy like you."

"Have you been watching me?" that's what he wanted to say, instead he was flustered and pushed up his glasses to hide his already sweaty self.

"I used to be a setter."

Putting his leg down, Bokuto's eyes lightens up with a sparkle, "Really!? Then join the volleyball club here!" jumping off of his bed while looking at Akaashi with hope glittering his golden eyes.

"There's a volleyball club here?" to Akaashi, all he thought of college was just study, libraries, and cafeteria. He didn't stop to think if there were clubs like the ones during his highschool days.

"Of course! It would've been boring to study if we didn't atleast have a sports club. So, will ya join?" egging him, Bokuto was on his feet awaiting for the males answer.

"No."

Ah, that was too blunt.

"EHH?! Why not? You must be a pretty good setter!" His eyes trail at the tips of his seniors hair. They were dropping down as if they too were also feeling his emotions. Afraid that he might've hurt the males feelings, he quickly apologized and explained.

"Sorry, it's just, I think there will be mroe better setters for your team, Bokuto."

"Hm? But we don't even have a setter."

Akaashi's mouth closes, not knowing how to tell Bokuto that he was just not the type to be outgoing and indulging himself into prying eyes. Sure, he was able to sought out his passion in volleyball back in middle school and highschool, but that was only because he was never noticed by some people. During official games, he'd only have his hair slightly grown a bit to hide his eyes whenever he plays to avoid feeling thw pressure by the crowd. Sometimes, he'd allow himself to be seated during an entire game and watch his other setter take his on his role.

Yet somehow on his third year, he manages to catch the title of being captain.

"I'm just not cut out for it, Bokuto." he twiddled with his fingers from both habit and to ease his sweaty palms, "I'm not a pretty good setter."

"Show me first, and I'll be the one to comment." Bokuto huffs and crosses his arms with a childlike pout forming on his mouth, "And for the record, I think you're pretty."

And that was the beginning of Akaashi's heart always beating harder whenever he was with Bokuto.

After four months of adjusting into the new world, Akaashi had gone through the months according to his neatly made schedule. But even so, the past four months was also filled with Bokuto's never ending pleads for him to join the volleyball club and be their setter.

Which leads to him now panting in his sweaty attire with Bokuto still high on stamina and determination.

"One more, Kaashi. Give me a good toss!" with that being said, the setter runs into his position after one of their teammate's had flung the ball up. With long fingers easily grazing the ball and fitting his hands perfectly, Akaashi delivers it to his right to where Bokuto had already sprung up with his feet.

Like a big bang, the ball sounded as it looked squished by the floor after having the ace smash it down. Pants were heard from all players, but Akaashi paid no attention to the sweat dripping on his forehead nor was feeling exhausted. His eyes were more focused on the way Bokuto had spike the ball and landed perfectly on his feet.

And it was oddly satisfying for Akaashi to keep seeing his only friend send him straight into an awe.

That being said, it wasn't the only thing that was seen by just him, but the fact that he has done it ever since he has gotten in the team, it was so obvious to everyone that he was staring at their ace.

No one bothered to say a word about it, but being with an airheaded captain, at some point without Akaashi by the distance, they would run forward to him and say, "Looks like you've caught a really rare attention there, Bokuto."

And it always ends with, "How do you catch someone's attention though?"

Blowing a whistle far from the team had broken his stare from the captain. Before any of them could gather up, there were cheering from both above and below the sidelines of the gym.

"Bokuto senpai! You did so good!"

"What an amazing spike!"

"You really are an unstoppable ace!"

Most of them were consist of females. From senior to freshmen, they seemed to be oogling more on his physical appearance more than his passion according to Akaashi. It had been like this ever since he joined, every end of their practice, his senior would always be crowded in a herd of praises and swooning ladies. It was said by his teammates that Bokuto was a sucker for praises, and since he was well known to this university everyone of his adoring fans knew that about him.

And it made his insides churn into an unpleasant twist to see him casually talking to them, more so letting them touch him so freely.

"Akaashi, you seem troubled." another one of his senior who was at the same class as Bokuto, Yukie had spoken as she passes him his water bottle. Looking at to where his eyes were seconds ago, she could see Bokuto and couple of males but more on females gather around him with another round of praising and some gifts given.

"Bokuto has always been gaining a lot of attention ever since he entered the campus," Yukie sighs, "It's getting really annoying, we can't even finish a simple meeting after games." looking back at Akaashi, she let's out a small flinch when she saw him looking almost depressed by staring at Bokuto.

"I wish they'd leave him for his peace." no, that wasn't what he meant. Feelings were not a stranger to Akaashi, he wasn't oblivious of his own emotions. He knows what he has between him and the ace, and knowing that and seeing something like this happen all the time crushed him. The only thing the setter didn't know was how obvious he was pinning after the ace to his teammates and managers.

"Hey, hey, Bokuto senpai," calls out by a random girl, "Who's that guy over there, the one wearing number 5." she points at Akaashi, who now averted his eyes immediately away from Bokuto and started talking to Yukie.

"Yeah, I don't think we've seen him before."

"Isn't he that nerd from Class 1?"

"I think sensei offered me a tutor from him."

"Wasn't he wearing glasses? He looks kinda hot without them."

Each comment passes to Bokuto's ears made him bite the insides of his cheeks. There was no way they were going after Akaashi.

"Ah, well, that over there ladies is our setter, Akaashi Keiji. He just joined in a month ago so he's still kinda shy." Konoha, another close friend of Bokuto and his teammate steps in the conversation, "He's single but I don't think it's easy to catch a fella like him." he jabs the ace's chest with his arm, hinting him about something with his eyebrows moving up and down.

Wincing at the slight pain, he glares at Konoha, "I don't think it's a good idea to pin for Kaashi, ladies." he finally spoke, this time his tone somehow getting lower only to be noticed by Konoha who was quietly snickering behind his fist, walking away to go talk to the red haired manager.

"Why not, Bokuto?"

"Does he already have his eye on someone?"

Contemplating whether or not he should admit it, Bokuto blurts out, "Yes! Well no! Soon, someone's already have their eye on him and well," glancing slightly at Akaashi with a hint of longing and impatience, he holds himself together and lets out a sigh, "That someone is trying really hard to get him to like them."

"So, did he got mad at you?" Yukie places her hands on his hips as Konoha approaches her with a sly grin on his face.

"No but he did somehow indirectly admit his love." winking at Yukie, who sighed at his little antics.

"You really are an idiot."

"So are those two."

An hour passes, Bokuto managed to get all of his fans out for them to resume packing up and cleaning the gym. Akaashi was silent after the entire fiasco and placed each ball on the basket carefully, still deep in thought about his friend.

Bokuto notices how quiet he has grown. It wasn't the normal kind of quiet he's known to Akaashi, but rather this one seemed to be sad, "Hey, Yukie. What's up with Kaashi? He hasn't spoken to anyone, let alone, me." finally done lowering the net, Yukie sighs once more and lightly smacks his head with her clipboard, earning a small whine from Bokuto.

"Honestly, can't you take a hint Bokuto?"

For the past four months, since Akaashi's first day in the University. When Bokuto had decided to introduce him to his group of friends, despite them being older than him, they could already see how fond the owl haired male was with the smaller male.

Even before Akaashi was introduced, he was all he talks about with them during dismissal or anytime they'd get together. Everytime they'd go ahead to the cafeteria, they can see his eyes caught in his direction all the time. The kind of eyes that showed so much emotion to volleyball.

And once they got to know Akaashi, they thiught to themselves they were going to be fine knowing Akaashi wasn't as dense as their baby like captain was.

Oh how wrong they were.

Akaashi had gotten close to Yukie for the oast two months since she was mostly on her own. Kaori was always with Konoha and Washio since she was in the same class they were, but different schedules. When Yukie found out that Akaashi did too, have emotions for Bokuto, she was giddy. But when she heard him utter out, "I don't think he likes me." that's when the frustration built up. Doesn't he notice the way he was being stared at or even the lingering hand on his shoulder whenever Bokuto pats him?

"What hint?" his tone was troubled, Bokuto was truly lost at this moment, not knowing what had caused his beloved friend to feel this way.

"Try talking to him later, Bokuto," patting his shoulder, "And please, tell him already." letting go of him, Yukie walks away with the rest of the team, leaving Bokuto behind to think.

"Tell him what though?"

Back to their dorms, Akaashi rubs his eyes using his fingers to ease the tension that had been laid upon his shoulders for the past few hours. Admittedly, he has this kind of bitterness flowing in his blood remembering the events earlier, but after a few seconds, those bitterness occurred to his insecurities. He was used to over thinking a lot when he was alone, but never about another person. It was always about him.

Groaning loudly he lands his face on the plush of his pillow, releasing a shaky breath as he looks at the bedside Bokuto owns, "Why did it had to be you?"

"Who are you talking about Kaashi?"

Jolting up at the sound of the door clicking behind him, Akaashi could only stare into his face with the orange light of their room illuminating his features in the dark night. Being roommates was harder when you were living with someone that literally shakes your entire world.

"Nothing." plopping back down on his pillow, Akaashi exhales deeply. To Bokuto, it seemed Akaashi was more frustrated to see him here, but to the timid male, he was just calming his heart from beating erratically inside of him. Hearing his footsteps closing in, he thoughts to himself he was finally going to sleep. What surprised him and made his face flush against the pillow was when he felt his bed dip down from his feet as Bokuto sat down.

"Are you mad at me Kaashi?" Bokuto looks at his back side in worry, "You haven't talked to me after practice. You even left without me today." There was a tinge of guilt inside Akaashi. He didn't realize he left Bokuto alone after he left since they always walk together back in the dorms.

When Bokuto heard no reply, he continues, "Yukie told me something about not taking a hint on something? I don't really get it," golden eyes averting up on their dim light of the room, "But the more I thought about it on the way back, all I could think of was you, Kaashi."

Holy shit, he wasn't going to do it now.

"I know it sounds lame, but I really did thought of what she said and all that pops out was you, you get where I'm getting at, right?" Bokuto had his arms on his legs by now from moving into motion as he spoke. Meanwhile if Akaashi were to sit up, his heartbeat might've been already heard.

Gulping quietly, feeling Bokuto's eyes watching him intently, all he could do was shake his head slowly. He wanted him to go on. He needed to hear where he was going with this. He can feel the vibrations of his light chuckling from his body as Bokuto sighs.

"Usually I'm not afraid of doing something out of the blue, y'know? You've seen me do some weird crap all the time." Akaashi's light laugh muffles against his pillow as he continues, "But when it comes to these, it really gets into me. Telling someone how you feel about them."

The last line made Akaashi almost ascend to heaven. Was he dreaming? Was he expecting too much to know what was going to happen next? The numerous scenarios running through his head all mixing up, causing his cheeks to flare up. They got worse when Bokuto landed a soft palm on the small of his back, jolting a bit from the sudden contact.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that," Bokuto pauses, shifting his position closer to Akaashi, leaning his head next to his ear, "I like you."

Shivering at his warm breath against his ear, Akaashi bit his lower lip at the small rush of arousal from his lower regions, clenching his thighs together to ease himself.

"I like you. I don't know why it connects to Yukie's words, but somehow telling you this at this moment felt kinda right." he gave his back a small stroke for comfort, noticing him tensing after uttering out his sudden confession, "You probably don't like me, Kaashi. It's not everyday you see someone the same gender as you say that nonchalantly." chuckling out sadly, he smiles, "Still, I'm still here for you. So please, whatever is bothering you, tell me. We can dismiss what just happened now."

Not liking the end of his sentence, Akaashi grabs his hand from behind and sits up quick, "No! That's not what I meant, Bokuto." both were in shock and daze. Their faces held a tinge of redness in them, for Bokuto, Akaashi looked way more tempting than he already was with his added messy appearance.

"I-I'm sorry I left you unintentionally." he glances down at his smaller hands being held by himself, fighting away the butterflies as his feet were getting colder, "I was just really troubled by those people," he explains, "It had been a bother to me that you were always crowded by so many people...That I began to look down at myself." he grips his hand as he thought about how painful it was to endure the same scene as earlier everyday.

"What's worse is that I have feelings for you.." Finally admitting with quivering lips, "I like you, but there were so many people better than a squanny nerd like me." sighing, he lowers his forehead on Bokuto's hand that he held, avoiding eye contact. Despite having to hear his confession first, he was in fear of the future he had no idea what held the possibilities that might hurt him.

"Kaashi, why do you think I came here, sitting down on your bed, and telling you that I like you," each line he said, his voice was going lower, huskier, followed by moving his hand away from his forehead and cupping his cheek, "And just you."

Akaashi was shaking on his spot. He didn't know what to do consisting this was his first time to be experiencing this. And his first instinct?

Was kissing him.

It caught Bokuto off guard and balance, luckily he stabilizes himself by carrying his weight with one hand leaned on the mattress, and the other pulling Akaashi closer in the kiss. Both males were stuck being oblivious to each other, now getting addicted into something that they've wanted for so long ever since they've encountered each other.

Akaashi whimpers a bit feeling Bokuto's tongue swipe his lower lips for entrance, in obligating, he allows himself to be dominated by the muscled male, letting himself gently fall back into bed with him hovering over him. Hands making their way on his sides to squeeze them, making him squeak and melt into the kiss.

Pulling away panting from the loss of oxygen, they both stared at each other in daze and with so much love.

"I guess you made your own point there, Kaashi." Bokuto teases, lacing his hands together from the side of Akaashi's head.

"Shut up, please." he scoffs, pushing his head to his side to feel less embarrassed of his vulnerable state. Bokuto chuckles, peppering the side of his cheek with kisses and affection.

"I'm kidding, Keiji. I've been wanting to kiss you too."

He sees the way Akaashi's cheeks reddened from calling him by his first name. It felt so right coming from his mouth. And he loved every second of it.

"So why don't you do it again..."

"Do what again?"

"Koutarou..."

"I'M KIDDING— KAASHI WAIT NO, DON'T GET UP."

He laughs, and it was music to Bokuto's ears. Making him flustered above him. Akaashi pulls him by the neck, an inch aay from his face, "Does this mean I'm your boyfriend now?" he asks, his voice lacing with worry.

"Well you are my boyfriend, but you can ve the girlfriend if you want." Bokuto teases once more, before giving his pouting lips a short kiss of confirmation,

"But yes, I'm all yours now, Keiji."

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu scenario #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu oneshots #haikyuu oneshot #haikyuu ships #bokuto x akaashi #akaashi x bokuto #haikyuu akaashi keiji #akaashi keiji #haikyuu bokuto koutarou #bokuto koutarou #bokuakaweek #bokuakaweek2020 #bokuaka #akaboku #akaashi fluff #bokuto fluff #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu smut #akaashi smut #bokuto smut

[marculees]

Epilepsy Awareness Month💜

I recently seen this post by @interstellix  who made great points about epilepsy for Epilepsy Awareness Month. It sums it up really well so I suggest you give it a read and reblog! Its nice to find another photosensitive here too because we’re such a small group within the epilepsy community. I deal with anxiety on top of my epilepsy and while they aren’t always related to each other, I don’t hear enough about the day-to-day worries of epileptics. Things that seem completely normal or fine to some people can be dangerous for me, which is why stuff like giving trigger warnings are much appreciated. But often, non-epileptics don’t know about what its like to actually live with epilepsy - not just having seizures. I want to add on some of my own experiences with a funky clickbait title, below the cut. Anyone who reads this all is a star and ily⭐️

10 Things Non-Epileptics Don’t Get (Yet)

1. That moment in movies when the character wakes up and a bunch of faces are gawking down at the camera uncomfortably. Always have someone to stay with the person having a seizure. But out of care for both that person and the people around, its best to get everyone else away. No one enjoys watching someone have a seizure - it’s scary and knowing you can’t stop it can ignite feelings of guilt or panic. For the person having the seizure, its embarrassing - they aren’t even conscious of what’s happening and for all they can remember, they were minding their own business and now they’re waking up and barely able to move their body without wincing in pain.

*TW: BODY FLUIDS* I’ve literally puked, shit and pissed myself all at the same time unconsciously in front of a room of people. I’m lucky these people were my family but it doesn’t make it any less embarrassing or upsetting knowing that everyone there saw me in such a state. A fear I had growing up was having a seizure in front of my class and the students making comments about it, thinking it was funny. In today’s age, filming seizures is something to worry about too because of how easily it can be shared to others online. Even if you aren’t an arsehole like that, try to be as respectful as possible and get everyone else to evacuate the room. At most, have three people to stay there: one person to stay close and time the seizure, one person to move furniture away and find something soft to lay under the epileptic’s head, and one person for crowd control who is keeping everyone else out and reassuring them all it’s okay.

Whatever you do, don’t make the epileptic feel bad for having a seizure. They can’t control it. Afterwards, comfort them and let them know its all over and you’ll stay with them until they feel better (unless they say they would rather be alone). Most of the time, the epileptic will be so tired and sore after their seizure that they’ll fall asleep. Let them; they need it. I’ve woken up on a couch, in my bed, the back of an ambulance or in a hospital bed and sometimes I was laying there for half an hour, sometimes a whole day. Knowing someone was there is relieving. Knowing everyone was there is shaming and it doesn’t make you feel any better when they’re all in your face afterwards too. Don’t be the camera crew.

2. Travelling alone is either a dream or everyday reality for a lot of people, but its a no-go for some of us. I was raised in a very overprotective household and still today, I don’t have a lot of freedom. Driving is usually one of the first bits of independence you get, but not for me. I’ve had seizures while out travelling because of the SUN. The sunlight flickering through trees, railings or bouncing off surfaces have triggered seizures in me where my family have had to pull over. The thought of being the one driving in such a scenario is terrifying to me, my loved ones and everyone else on the road. Driving is such a normalised thing for people my age that I’m embarrassed to bring up my own case unless someone specifically asks.

Then you have public transport. The sunlight issue is also here but this time, you’re with a bunch of strangers (see Point 1 again). Something my mum drilled into my head since I was younger was that if I ever got public transport by myself, then I could have a seizure and someone would film it and another person would rob me (and then you wonder why I have an anxiety disorder). I got my first bus by myself when I was 19 and for something so mundane to most people, it was like a little adventure to me. My mum didn’t approve but she complained about having to drive me everywhere too. While its fun to get the bus into town every now and then though, it becomes a bigger issue when travelling is a daily requirement and you aren’t able/allowed to drive yourself.

Free public transport doesn’t always include those with epilepsy, depending on which country you live in. What do you do when an employer asks if you can drive? What do you do if you have committments to go to and no one is around to drive or come with you? Or you need to explain why you’re going out, every single time, because someone else has to decide whether its worth the risk. Sunny roadtrips? Want to be a pilot? That last one isn’t a joke, by the way! I used to get a coach/private bus to college and if it was sunny, I’d pull the curtain over, wear my sunglasses and try to nonchalantly cover one eye to help. You can’t really get a curtain while driving your own car though and driving one-handed is not cool, its irresponsible.

3. Staying up all night talking with someone you love isn’t as romantic as we’d like it to be. All-nighters, i.e. lack of sleep, are a huge trigger for many epileptics. I wasn’t allowed to go to sleepovers with friends as a kid until I was 13, and at that sleepover I ended up having a seizure in the middle of the night after waking up to use the bathroom. Not to flex, but I had a seizure on the toilet. Where’s the weirdest place anyone else has had a seizure?. As a result of that, I was put back on medication after being told I was growing out of my seizures and had been med-free for one whole year. I’d love to stay up with a loved one and spend the night talking or watching movies, but I think a seizure would be more of a killjoy than going to bed early.

3. Unless you’re the paparazzi, camera flashes won’t give photosensitive epileptics seizures. Its a small gesture and I do appreciate it, but don’t worry - one small flash from a camera will not send my brain into override. Just don’t be taking photos from 5 different phones at the same time for more than one pic. Standing and waiting for people to take a photo all at the same time is awkward already because you don’t know who to look at, what to do with your hands, if you should change pose, smile or not, etc. Just take one flash photo and be done, or don’t use the flash at all if you don’t need to. Ring lights are a common thing now, by the way and I love them? Bye-bye camera flash!

I don’t blame anyone for having these types of concerns though. The only time you’re probably warned about flashing lights is when you’re about to watch a news report or awards show where there will be paparazzi and performances will be aired. Concerts are another thing that can be risky depending on the genre, size of the venue, whether its indoors or outdoors (if you’re like me and enjoy EDM music, you’ll have a very low chance of actually attending or watching anything live fdkslbjfdhb). Those things we avoid. But you taking a photo with a once-off flash will be okay, don’t worry. Seizures aren’t triggered by a single flash, but rather multiple flashes in a short period of time. They’re called Hertz and that shit hertz when its between 3-30 flashes per second. Also, fuck strobes, the Incredibles 2, Into The Spiderverse and any other movie that uses these for unnecessary effect.

4. Not everyone is diagnosed with epilepsy in their childhood and though some might grow out of it as they get older, not everyone will. I thought I had been growing out of it on two occasions (see point 3 again and point 9). Some people only get diagnosed with epilepsy later into their life. If you’re diagnosed while young, its easier to adjust your life because you’re growing up with it as your norm and its something you’ve just learned to live with. But for some people, they suddenly have to change their entire routine that they’ve established since they became an adult. Be sympathetic to those with epilepsy in their adult years, especially those who only got a diagnosis. Its not just a disability for children.

5. There are different types of seizures and one that’s commonly misunderstood is the partial seizure. These types of seizures have been mistaken for people being drunk or high (i.e. slurred speech, difficulty standing up or walking in a straight line, etc.), which has led them to getting kicked out of venues for something they have no control over. Swimming pools seem to be a common place for these bans, as well as gyms. Sometimes, these people are still somewhat aware they are having a seizure but cannot control them, which is really scary to think about. I don’t have them myself but I cannot imagine how frustrating they must be to not be taken seriously and instead as someone being high or intoxicated and then being punished for that. Alcohol is usually avoided as it can trigger seizures but when these seizures happen at social events, people can get the wrong idea. If you know someone who has these types of seizures, keep an eye on them if you’re out together. We’re usually only allowed one pint and hardly anyone gets that drunk after just one, so be aware that its likely they aren’t actually hammered but having a seizure instead.

6. Nobody likes being overworked but school, college, jobs and sport can very hard on us. Unless you’ve had a seizure, your teacher or boss probably won’t extend a deadline for you. The latter might even fire you. Chronic fatigue isn’t taken seriously. School is one big memory test in most countries, but for those with aura seizures, their ‘spacing out’ can affect how information they are actually taking in. Side-effects of meds can also make concentration and memory tough, and I hate how forgetful I can be because then I feel like I’m unreliable even though I push myself to give 110% anyway. Some activities like sports and physical education can be more draining than they would be for the average person, and sometimes I’d have to sit out during these activities because I felt an aura coming on after overexerting myself. I wish I could sit out having multiple assignments and group projects due in the same week, but college doesn’t work that way. I wish I could tell employers that I might not have that presentation done by the end of the day, but that wouldn’t go down too good either.

If you know someone who takes longer to complete tasks that might seem simple to you, ask yourself if you’ve ever considered they might have epilepsy or another chronic illness or disability. Don’t assume they’re lazy if they need to take an extra day or two to complete their final essay or have to stop their beep test earlier than the rest of the class. I didn’t know a good average for the beep test was 8-9, because no one ever told me. I pushed myself to 16 because I was scared people would think I was lazy and that I was dropping out to be with the other girls who agreed beforehand. I then ended up having an aura that almost slipped into a full seizure. I also almost had a seizure an hour before my religion exam in my Junior Cert at school. My mum even insisted I stay home and miss my State exam because of it. I still went though, took a bathroom break because I had another aura, and finished with an ‘A’ but had it been a different day, I might not have been so lucky. Its about knowing yourself and your limits, but we aren’t always informed that they should exist and then you end up doing stupid things like me that could hurt you. Likewise, its important to be understanding that not everyone can work at the same pace as you. It doesn’t make the quality of our work any less even if we need more time or energy to do it.

7. Side-effects aren’t always in the short-term. My own meds are advised to not be taken long-term as they weaken my bones over time. I’m 21 now and I’ve been on meds since I was 8. I wanted to reduce my dosage and eventually become med-free last year but the neurologist told me I still had brain activity and needed to stick with them. In fact, they almost ended up prescribing me more even after I had told them I was five years seizure-free. Why? See point 9. I’m lucky though because I’ve only been on one type of med. Some people can take years to find what works and their neurologists will prescribe them all sorts and leave them with awful side effects. Only last year I was chatting with a woman whose meds had caused sudden depression and fits of anger in her after she had been diagnosed and given her prescriptions. She eventually got brain surgery instead.

8. If you have a uterus and/or want to have children, do your research and a LOT of it. Birth control is usually a tough decision to make and often times, it can feel like you have no choice. Its so important to check with multiple neurologists and doctors which form of birth control is the best for you with your medication, because even the slightest new introduction to your meds box can have unpleasant side-effects. With the current medication I’m on, I can’t take the pill unless I want to increase my current dosage of meds as the pairing cancel each other and make me more vulnerable to seizures and other side-effects. I’m not pregnant and yet I have to take daily folic acid supplements because my meds cancel that out too. Every month or two, I will faint or almost faint on the first day of my period and I’m more vulnerable to having a seizure during that time. If I ever want to give birth, my children can possibly inherit my condition or be stuck taking care of me when I should be caring for them. I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.

This is not to say that people with epilepsy can’t have fulfilling sex lives or raise families. But we just do it at a greater risk that even some neurologists aren’t aware of. I had to tell my neurologist last year why I didn’t want to go on the pill because HE didn’t know it interacted negatively with my meds. I’ve known women who were prescribed the pill or meds BY A PROFESSIONAL that interacted negatively with each other and gave them seizures as a result. It takes ‘find the right method for you’ to a whole new level. If your partner has epilepsy, its so important to discuss birth control and take their condition into consideration. I hear men telling their girlfriends to go on the pill so that they don’t have to use a condom, which is really selfish for a start and also disregards other forms of birth control. Do your research but let them and their own trusted neurologist decide which form is best. You should still be using a condom to protect yourselves anyway! And if you and your epileptic partner decide you would like to have children, do the same process and make sure that they are in a safe position to do so.

9. *TW: DEATH* Threatening (even ‘jokingly’) to trigger a seizure in someone is playing with that person’s life. SUDEP (Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy) affects roughly 1 in 1000 people each year. Even if that person doesn’t die after their seizure, you may have just broken a record they set for days, months or YEARS without a seizure. You just revoked their driving license and they weren’t even behind a wheel. You just prescribed them new doses of medication without any years of medical school.

Growing up, I had countless incidences where classmates would joke about making me have a seizure. If the teacher left the room for anything, the first thing they would do is run up to the lightswitch and fuck around with it. In secondary school, I stopped using the bathroom at lunch because one of the girls thought it was funny to deliberately flick the lights on and off anytime I was inside. She would snicker and call out to me while I was in the stall, asking if it could make me have a seizure. Even after saying yes, she continued to do it. If I did end up having a seizure in that bathroom, god knows what could have happened. I had a seizure in a bathroom before and was lucky I only hurt my jaw as my head slammed against the wall. Others aren’t so lucky. Injuries from seizures can be brutal, just like OP said. Yeah, you might not kill them by triggering a seizure, but what injuries do they have to deal with after?

Imagine playing a game for years and you spent ages collecting all the items, defeating every boss and proudly showing off the trophies you won. Now imagine someone suddenly pulls the cord as you’re playing; your game freezes, the screen shuts to black and when you try to frantically start it up again and see where you had remembered to last save, it says your data is corrupted and deletes everything without your permission. It doesn’t matter where or when you saved. You have to start your progress all over again. You can try memorise the strategies from before but the game switches things up and suddenly you’re hit with a difficulty spike out of nowhere. The person who joked around and pulled the plug doesn’t have to do anything. And if they wanted to, they could do the same thing again and again. Don’t be that person. Be their Player 2 and help them. If they need to go into a dungeon but they’re scared to be alone, offer to cover their back. If their health is low, find them a safe spot and let them heal. The same goes for appointments and seizures. Its not a multiplayer game by default and while they can power through solo, that doesn’t mean they don’t need help if they’re ever stuck.

10. To end on a more positive note, there are lots of successful people out who have/had epilepsy and you probably never even knew. Cameron Boyce’s passing brought attention to SUDEP and celebrities with epilepsy but did you also know about these people and their own cases and seizures?

Prince

Elton John

Lewis Carroll

Danny Glover

Lil Wayne

Neil Young

Hugo Weaving

Charles Dickens

Julius Caesar

Vincent Van Gogh

Theodore Roosevelt

Adam Horovitz

Susan Boyle

Rick Harrison (the Pawn Stars guy!)

And some who are not confirmed (due to medical practices of the time) but are suggested as a result of numerous seizures:

Leonardo da Vinci

Michelangelo

Edgar Allen Poe

Agatha Christie

Socrates

Napoleon Bonaparte

Aristotle

Alexander the Great

Epileptics are humans, normal people just like you. And like you, they’re capable of great things too. If you think about making a crude comment to someone with epilepsy, think about these people and ask yourself if you would say the same things to them. 

If you read all of this, comment with a ⭐️ and please reblog to spread awareness. Whenever we talk about epilepsy, we start and stop the conversation at seizures. Its good to bring awareness to the other things too because its something that affects every part of our lives. Its an invisible disability but that doesn’t mean we are hidden from the disability community and discussion!

#actually epileptic #epilepsy awareness month #epilepticon2020 #just epilepsy things

[teddystrap]

Drama CD: [幽幻ロマンチカ・真骨頂] ≁Karasutengu Hifumi・Baku Utashiro≁

Ok I know this is out of order (I skipped over the previous Hatenkou discs, which I will do later), but I reallllly adore the Shinkocchou concept. This came at the end of a HECTIC week, so to myself and any readers out there, I say a well-deserved: ���疲（憑か）れ様でした！

In this disc - the first in this subtitle - Crow-Heavenly-Dog Hifumi and Dream-Eating Animal-Thing Utashiro team up to fight crime and save the Universe... of Nanagiri High School. 

Before I say anything else, first look at the hidden msgs (x2) in the tracklist: 

１．壱、都市伝説『すきま』 ２．弐、スイーツに囲<ま>れて ３．参、湧き出た<も>のは ４．四、陰<り>から立ちはだかる ５．伍、穏やかな夜だっ<た> ６．六、戦うなら<い>っしょに ７．七、都市伝説『すきま』看破 ８．キャストトーク

Hifumi: bold⋆ spells 「すきだから」 (’Because I like you...’)

Utashiro: <⋆> spells 「まもりたい」 (’...I want to protect you.’)

...

(ﾟ艸ﾟ(｡艸｡(ﾟ艸ﾟ(｡艸｡(ﾟ艸ﾟ(｡艸｡(ﾟ艸ﾟ(｡艸｡(ﾟ艸ﾟ(｡艸｡(ﾟ艸ﾟ(｡艸｡ ) ｽﾍﾟｼｬﾙｳﾝｳﾝ

We also find out bits about each character's past - like how Hifumi had been cold and uncaring when he first mixed with the human world, and how he developed a taste for sweet foods because that's what people used to give him as offerings. AND how hilariously angry U-kun gets when people try to point out that deep down he's really just a softie/sweetie.

NB. The audio track is a bonus bit at the end of the final cast commentary track where the two of them do a hilarious 'Free Talk' in character.

*

[The First Rumour: Urban Legend ‘Sukima’]

Something's lurking in the cracks and corners of Nanagiri High School. So far five students have disappeared, starting with a girl in 1st year. Everyone is freaking the fuck out, and even the police have got involved, but this being a paranormal case ofc they are not going to find anything.

On the orders of Toilet Flower Dude (abbreviated TFD), Hifumi and Utashiro are investigating the urban legends to prevent them from destabilising the forces of the Supernatural Seven. And they have come to you for help - after all, youkai get their powers from the goodwill of humans. TFD has even coined a team name for the three of you: DARK DESTINY FAN CLUB. And ofc you are the leader, because vagina power.

As part of the investigation, first you all go to... the nearby cafe and eat cake. Because Marie Antoinette said so. Because apparently a couple from your school was attacked when they went on a date there.

Hifumi decides that you have to act like a couple to bait the monster into attacking you. (Except this is more like a 3P scenario and for some reason nobody finds that just a little bit odd...?) The two of them start feeding you and wiping extra cream off your face, and ofc you become all shy and resistant. So then both of them possess your body and start putting their lips on you to 'make you understand how the cake feels'. #mfw = (*>艸<)ｷｬｧｯ. (Not even kidding, I actually made this face when I was listening to this.)

You finally cannot put up with this treatment anymore, and when they stop, you pick up a chair and start hurling it at them. Damn girl u so hot when u maddd. So much for Battle Plan RaiseBloodSugar1. XD

Plan #2: Ya'll patrol the empty classrooms after school to look for clues. Eventually you find a ...fluffy/slimy-looking... monster consuming a 1st-year boy. When the three of you approach, the monster devours him whole and disappears.

You suggest using yourself as bait, with the both of them possessing your body to fight the monster in invisible mode. Sounds all fine and dandy... except their demon powers totally don't even work against this mochi-mochi monster!! After some failed attacks, Utashiro forms a protective shield to fend off the monster and allow Hifumi to fly you off to safety. (Such beautiful teamwork I could cry...)

Later Utashiro catches up to the two of you. It seems that the monster is so 'impenetrable' because it is feeding off the energy of some human somewhere, whose vulnerabilities it is exploiting. At this point you are still reeling from the narrow escape, so your two manservants boyfriends manservants decide to call it a day and escort you home.

Back home, you refuse to sleep, so the two of them dogpile you on your bed (is it just me or does that sound kinda dirty, sports fans? ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)). You request that they both change into their chibi forms and hug them to sleep. Hifumi doesn't mind at all but Utashiro hates it!! XD

Turns out you can't sleep because you are still terrified from the episode earlier. So they change back into their hot-guy forms and possess your body (because your bed is too small XD) and hold your hand and caress your head. After you finally fall asleep, the two of them commence the BL action pillow talk:

Utashiro is feeling down and blaming himself for not noticing your fear sooner. Hifumi is all like ‘I KNEW U WERE A SOFTIE U SEXY TSUNDERE’, but Utashiro tells him that all the other baku perished because they were forgotten by humans, and this is why he can't forgive and embrace humanity the way that Hifumi does.

As Hifumi correctly figures out, Utashiro is/was the Chief of the baku, even though he was not the most powerful nor the eldest. But Hifumi thinks it's enough that Utashiro did his best for his companions, just like *you* always do, you useless piece of sh... person!! I mean person!!. Hifumi trusts you even though you are a human, but Utashiro is unconvinced, since you never risked your life for him (the way you did for Hifumi)...

...Aaaand you wake up to the kinako-mochi monster in your room!!! Hifumi flies both of you out the window, but it's too heavy for him and he and he drops you both. Orz (well U-kun cushions your fall ofc b/c what are manservants for, amirite?). Meanwhile the monster has followed you out here and multiplied, so you all escape to the school grounds.

In the school gym, the monster and its spawns appear again, and Hifumi tries to fight them off, maxing out his energy much to Utashiro's alarm. Hifumi explains to Utashiro that he was born out of people's wishes,... and just when he was about to be forgotten, *you* appeared and gave him a new meaning to life. So he can't help but be fond of humanity and want to do his best for them.

You stop Hifumi from over-exerting himself, and volunteer to be swallowed alive by the monster so that ya'll can fight it from inside its stomach. Hifumi is all like ‘LET'S DO THIS LEADER >:)’, but Utashiro FREAKS THE FUCK OUT X( and offers to come with you, forming a protective shield to protect you. At some point he finally admits that it would be 'troubling' if something happened to you... This is about as much of a love confession as you’re ever gonna get here, so I'm savouring the fuck out of this line indefinitely <3.

Inside the monster's belly, you find... a girl that was eaten, and pull her into the safety of Utashiro's protective shield. The monster grows weak, and Hifumi uses this opportunity to blow it up into smithereens. All its spawns become inactive as well.

The girl turns out to be the aforementioned 1st-year who was the monster's first victim. She appears to be asleep, so Utashiro takes a peek into her dream: she is infatuated with a senpai, but too shy to talk to him, and can only watch him from afar. The pain of her unrequited love bore cracks in her heart, which the kinako mochi monster has exploited and subsisted on.

You ask Utashiro to change the contents of her dream from #badend to #goodend. As he does this, the cracks in her heart start to mend, and the monsters disappear. But ofc, changing her dream doesn't do much irl; she still needs to make her own happy ending.

Thus, peace is restored to Nanagiri High School!! >:D The five missing students are all found safely and soundly asleep in the school gym, and the first girl finally found the courage to speak to her senpai.

Hifumi teases Utashiro for risking his own life to protect you during Battle Plan MonsterBelly1, but Utashiro claims he only 'changed his mind a little bit about humans'.

But then Hifumi readily admits that he got to see both cool and uncool sides of you during this adventure, and it makes him like you more <3. Upon hearing this, Utashiro is all like ‘GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER’ and instructs you to stick with him so that he shall protect you from the Crow-Dog-Whatever that is *even more dangerous than any urban legend ever*! <333333

*

[Thoughts] OH WOW I got so used to the DiaLovers twisted personalities that I figured this was going to be like a Versus disc where they compete and fight with each other over you. But like I said, the teamwork/bromance is so beautiful it brings a tear to my eye :').

First of all, as KENN observes in his part of the Free Talk, this disc is kind of a parallel world where you are not strictly *romantic* with either of them. But at the same time both of them seem ok with some 曖昧さ (e.g. light touches/kisses) here and there. I guess it's less like a FB "it's complicated" situation, and more of youkai having some harmless fun with a human.

[cf. Remember how all the vampires stripped Yui down to her undergarments and bit her in all the embarrassing places, and she STILL thinks: 'They only see me as food T_T.' Yes that's totally non-suggestive, yes yes, carry on.]

Secondly, like Kimura-san notes, the two personalities make a striking contrast, and Utashiro seems *even more* tsundere than usual compared to Hifumi. But because Hifumi has one more disc than Utashiro, I think he's had more opportunities for character growth, so I'm optimistic about U-kun :)

I think between the two of them, Utashiro is the more mature and sensitive one - as shown by their hidden msgs, Hifumi's feelings lean more towards 'I like you'/displays of affection, whereas Utashiro is more about protecting you & supporting you emotionally.

Hifumi has a more impulsive/careless personality; sometimes he misses little details, and he's ready to take risks if you are. In that regard I think they counterbalance each other quite well, Utashiro talks sense and 'anchors' the situation; Hifumi brings the positivity and the momentum.

Using the two roles of the manzai (traditional Japanese standup-comedy) for analogy, U-kun is the 'straight man' who provides the tsukkomi, and Hifumi is the boke or the one with all the gags.

...Also it just occurred to me how most of the time the tsundere role is either like a younger/spoiled brat type, or a kichiku megane (à la Sakamaki Reiji). Utashiro is kind of like a... tsundere-oniisan? XD Not sure if that's a type, but in any case it’s kinda refreshing, plus he's precious and I love him :3

NB1. KENN's chibi voice is THE BEST. X3

NB2. I wonder what trousers (「なっちゃうパンツ」) Kimura-san was wearing in the recording studio on his dates with 'Dummyko-chan' - which is what he calls the dummy-head mic XD. Now, I'm not sure about this, but there is a good chance that he's the one who came up with the worst nickname in the entire universe 'M-neko-chan'...  

#otome #drama cd #rejet #yuugen romantica #shinkocchou #yuroma #hifumi #kenn #seiyuu #utashiro #kimura ryohei #youkai #tsundere #supernatural #mystery #kaidan

[your-grand-adventure]

Buster World Chapter 1: Welcome to your new life

Floor 1

One-two-three. One-two-three. Martial Arts class was great. One-two-three. One-two-three. Especially when you get to stay a bit late and learn how boxing works. One-two-three. One-two-three!

“Sorry kid, I can’t stay out here for much longer. Do you want to go to my house?” Captain said.

“Sorry Mister, Mom and Dad say I can’t enter the apartments unless one of them has taken me there”.

“Sad, I would have taken care of you”.

“Bye, Captain!”

“Bye Maxie!”

I walked away from the gym, and into the darker than normal mall. Dad was always late. Mom couldn’t pick me up because she was sick. Sick with something I wasn’t allowed to know about. I don’t like that. I need to know. I could help. So why doesn’t anyone tell me about anything big or important? I made it to the exit my dad always grabs me from.

I sat on the cushioned bench, waiting for my father. Sunshine Mall was built over an old market place. There were a few legends about said marketplace. It’s said that during the solstices and equinoxes, the marketplace would be closed. Monsters would then use the marketplace as a playground. It’s probably just a legend. But I would like to meet some monsters. Preferably nice monsters.

Ding-

The pit had an elevator now? Nice. Was wondering when people would finally clean it out. They never said anything about this.

Maybe I could go on a real quick adventure.

The inside of the elevator was tinted a slimy green. Not sure if it was the light or from there being actual mold inside. I was much too bored to care about that, however. The seats are really cushiony. There were buttons up to 3 and down to… Holy Toledo. Last I remember, there was only 1 basement floor. Does… Does that mean that… Oh! Maybe the monsters are real!

I press B10.

That was a mistake.

The elevator creaked. I sat down on the middle seat. *Crick, Creak*. The elevator dropped like the Tower of Terror. I passed out.

Floor B11

I woke up in agony. I’m so sorry. I sobbed. Someone please make the pain stop. I pick myself up, piece-by-piece. I want to vomit. I stagger out of the elevator and into a cave, wheezing and choking. Snot is dripping out of my nose. I closed my eyes.

“Hey, Kid!”

My eyes popped open. Someone was here! Please help! I collapsed onto my knees.

“Can you heal yourself?”

“No! *cough* I can’t!” I sputtered, “Please helb me!”

I saw a pair of red glowing lights. I whimpered.

“Shush… Get up”.

I forced myself up.

“Why?”

And then the thing grabbed me.

“Please be quiet. I didn’t think I would have to take care of you”.

He picked me up, bridal style.

“You are awfully weak. That’s suspicious. I’m not taking you to the doc… We’re going home”.

He got a blanket out of nowhere and slowly wrapped it around me. He then walked away, carrying me off as if I were a child.

“Say, would a lullaby soothe you? I can feel you shaking”.

I nodded, hacking quickly.

“Hannata no zouko, atashi no zou”

“Amera no yakou, Zakashi no rio”

“Ameragi toya, toya, toya”

“Atashi mayagi”

I slowly closed my eyes. I wanted to go home. I regret trying to go on a ‘little adventure’. I wish I could have just stayed on the first floor.

“Don’t cry. Please don’t cry. They don’t like to hear you cry”.

“Who’re ‘they’?”

“‘They’ are the ones who got powerful and lucky enough to be able to hide away from the other floors. They’ve long stopped considering humans to be worthy prey, instead terrorizing below average Demiurges”.

“What does that make you?” I was just curious.

“I am the servant of the Lesser Demigod Flicker, Being of Communication and Electromagnetism”.

“Why did you save me?”

“If you got down here, then you must be very powerful. Be it strength, intelligence, constitution, wisdom, or charisma, you must be powerful”.

He could force having any form of constitution off of that list.

“When pushed down to nothing, even the most enduring would cry”.

“Did… did you just…?”

“Yes, I did just read your mind. Don’t worry. Everyone who has lived on a mortal plane for their younger years has had trouble hiding thoughts and defending their mind. I’ll teach you. I have to teach you”.

We kinda stopped talking after that. And I kinda fell asleep.

Grimward’s Home

“Hmmmm, hmmmm hmmm. Hmm Hmmm Hmmmm Hmmmmmmm”.

The Grim Reaper was right there, humming to himself, knitting a black scarf.

“Hmmm? Oh hello Emmy. Why are you so surprised?”

“Who’s Emmy?”

“Oh, you don’t remember? Do you know who Gunshot is?”

“No”.

“How about Cat?”

“No”.

“Starstorm?”

“No? Why are you asking me about these people?”

“Just checking if you are who you think of yourself. Do you know about someone who calls themself Underworld?”

“No, but he sounds like a prick”.

“AH-HA! You are but an innocent victim of a man who exploited the reincarnation system. His name is Emmy and he left you early. Underworld is/was his lover an-”

“Underworld is-slash-was his WHAT?”

“Have you not thought that men could commune with each other? Or even that women could commune with each other”.

“I… I didn’t know people could do that. I mean how would they do that?”

“You will learn that when you grow up. Can I continue?”

“Yeah. Just kinda weirded out. I was a guy and I liked men”.

“Gunshot was his second-in-command. Cat was his second lover. Starstorm is a random chick that he liked for a reason I have a pet theory on that I’m not telling you”.

“O.K…. Sooo what does that mean to me?”

“It means this is a safe place. Nothing to worry about here. Talk to me about anything you have a problem with”.

“I want to go home”.

“Yeah… About that. Someone stole all 13 of the buttons from the elevator’s panel. Yes, some asshole wants you to stay down here. Hmmmm”.

“Why would someone want me to stay down here?”

“Because they want you to go mad. Yes. I think Emmy isn’t too happy that you haven’t died”.

“How the hell does that even work?! Did he possess my body?”

“No. When he lacks a body, Emmy watches and follows his incarnations. Sometimes he takes physical form to gaslight, lock things up, and make damn well sure they either die or succumb”.

“Well that’s terrifying”.

“Don’t worry. He prefers to watch. I don’t know what sets him off anymore. It appears we must part. Farewell Miss, see you tomorrow night”.

“Wait! Wait!”

???’s Farm

“Good Morning to you, Good Morning to you, Good Morning La-dy~ Good Morning to you”.

Fudgesicles. This was real. That guy was real.

“Welcome to the land of the wake. Can I know your name?”

“Y-yeah? I guess? My name is Maxie Theseus. I’m just a kid. I don’t have the power you want me to have”.

“Cute~. Say, would you like to take over my farm after you heal up? I’m moving on to something better in existence”.

“I-yeah. I’ll take it as long as you can help me find a way home”.

“Sure Maxie, why not. I’ll also have to find someone else to take over the farm after you leave, so that will take a while. Why don’t we go and explore the farm?”

He helped me up. I’m different. It… it hurts. He forced me to walk. 1-step, 2-step, 3-step, 4-step, 5-step, 6-step, 7-step, 8-step, 9-step, 10-step. 10 steps to get from the bed to the door. He picks me up.

“Stop crying. You’ll have to walk more later”.

Suddenly, those words were more intimidating. I could tolerate the guy. But now, he was terrifying.

“Good to know you’re not crying anymore. Now, all you have to do is stop being so scared, and you’ll be fine. Everyone in town will like you”.

“There’s a town down here?”

“Yes, we’re going there tomorrow. I’ll have to dress you up a bit, but you’ll be fine”.

He opened the door, revealing a normal grassy pasture, a normal bright blue sky, and the sun. The sun looked like a child had drawn it. Orange triangles floating only a few inches away from a yellow circle. A yellow circle with a sideways diamond shaped eye. A sideways diamond shaped eye with three simple pupils. The middle one long, the two side ones short.

“You’re scared of the sun? Maxie, the sun is one of the few things keeping this farm going”.

“Yeah, I just… I don’t want to be impolite but the sun kinda freaks me out”.

“Don’t worry, It’s fine. You seem to be new here. [Farmer], did you bring her in during the night?”

“Yes, yes, I did. Are you angry at me for being a good person? I saved her from bleeding out, unknown and unremembered. Is that not good enough?”

“I know you better than to believe that. I’ll keep a sky high eye out for you doing bad things towards her”.

“Fine, we’re here. Welcome to the barn… Goddamnit”.

The barn was a bizarre sight. As it was on fire. A group of tiny sheep were trying to put out the blaze, with buckets on their backs and intensely panicked expressions. A small red, furless, woolless ram sat inside the barn, with a face best described as blank. Not literally, but it’s face betrayed no emotion.

A gust of wind forcefully blew the fire out.

“I’m sorry about this. My Putto are less than competent, and my Imp is a troublemaker. NOW FIX THIS!”

The small sheep bounced over to another building, one lost it’s bucket.

“Can you grab that?” the [Farmer] asked me, “I’ll put you down, you walk over and pick it up. I’ll pick you up if you can’t walk anymore”.

He put me on my feet. They still felt raw, but I could do this.

1-step, 2-step, 3-step, 4-step, 5-step, 6-step.

That wasn’t bad. I turn around. The guy has disappeared.

1-step, 2-step, 3-step, 4-step, 5-step, 6-step.

I’m just going to explore the barn. A small stable and a chicken coop. With a burnt hole in it. I leave the barn. I’m going back to the house.

1-step, 2-step, 3-step, 4-step, 5-step, 6-step, 7-step, 8-step, 9-step, 10-step, 11-step.

Almost there.

1-step, 2-step, 3-step, 4-step, 5-step, 6-step, 7-st-

“Hey kid, do you know where Boss is?”

The Ram was right there. Right next to the door. And he was speaking to me. Was he what Boss/the [Farmer]/That guy meant by ‘Imp’?

“I don’t know. He just disappeared when I went to pick up this bucket”.

“Bastard. He left you to suffer and your wounds to fester. I will never allow him to return in the daytime without apologizing”.

The Sun sat low on the horizon.

My stomach growled.

“I’m going inside. I need to get some rest and eat some food”.

I pull the door open. I slowly walk in. I am safe. I’m O.K. Today was rough. I hope this all was just one long stupid dream. I go to the other side of the house. It had a kitchen. I open a cabinet. There’s a little packet that says it has noodles. I open another cabinet. A pot. There is a sink in front of the window at the back of the house. I fill the pot with warm water. I sat the pot on the oven, put on the boily thing, and walked over to the bed side of the house.

I sat on the bed. I finally decided to look myself over. Bandages covered my legs. I won’t be taking them off. Not yet. My arms are also covered in bandages. Bandages are rapping my ch-

There’s a hole in my abdomen, stretching from just below my belly button to just below my boobs. Not good. Not good at all. I can see the bones. I seal the hole with the bandages.

My head aches. I grab my head. It’s not the one I had yesterday. It’s-It’s not. My chin’s spiky(two spikes, to be exact), my teeth- my lips are gone. There are only cinderblock teeth. I reach for the bridge of my nose and almost poke myself in my eyes. My eyes are bigger. I tap the tip of my nose-tik. It’s a metal rectangle. I rub my temples. Eyelashes that feel like felt protrude from the sides of my eyes. My hair is really soft and really fluffy. Except in two little areas in the back. I had horns. Hair horns.

The water is now bubbling. I go over to the pot, break the noodles, I pop the noodles in. I check the packet. 3 minutes, stir once for slightly soft noodles, stir twice for medium softness, stir three times or more to make edible for mortals. I’m so tired. I need a wooden spoon, a bowl, a pot holder and a fork. I open the cabinet above the oven, there’s the bowls. I open one of those sliding cabinets. There’s a nice collection of silverware, a wooden spoon, and a bottle of some liquid. I grab a fork and the wooden spoon. I. do. NOT. touch. the. Bottle. I place the bowl and fork onto the counter that juts out towards the bedside. I stirred the pot. Just a bit longer. I poke the noodles with the wooden spoon. Definitely soft enough. I turned off the boily thing. I’m doing great. I poured the noodles and some water into the bowl. I got the flavor packet out. Dumped it in. frick, some of it is on me. I’m just going to eat and have the consequences follow me later. I’m so tired. The noodles are too hot but I’m eating them right now just to get them done.

The taste is good. It’s chicken, but not quite. The noodles are just the right size and softness to be slipped between my teeth. The taste is good. It’s chicken, but not quite. I eat more and more and mor and mor and mr and mr and-

The bowl is now empty. It was so nice to eat. I’m even more tired now. But it’s a happy tired. A kind of tiredness that says I’ve accomplished something. Even if this is real and I haven’t actually done anything, I feel good.

I place the bowl, the wooden spoon, and the fork into the sink. I’ll wash them tomorrow.

I walk over to the bed and get in. It creaks beneath me. Strange. It held me well in the morning. 1-sheep, 2-sheep, 3-sheep, 4-sheep, 5-sheep, 6-sheep, 7-sheep, 8-sheep, 9-sheep, 10-sheep. It takes a while for me to start dozing. I can normally force myself to go to sleep. Why isn’t it working? Why can’t I sleep? There is something watching me. Who is watching me? I’m scared. I want to go home. Let me try again: 1-sheep, 2-sheep, 3-sheep, 4-sheep, 5-sheep, 6-sheep, 7-sheep, 8-sheep… 9-sheep…… 10-sheep.

#Buster World #chapter 1 #original writing #horror #comedy #psychological horror #body horror #wtf is gregory horror show's genre? #this is that #oc: maxie #oc: ??? #oc: grimward #oc: stabs #Eventually we will see a dungeon exploration thing #dungeon crawler

[takeovertales]

Lesson on Possession: Welcome to the Retreat

The Café was particularly busy today, but Catherine was just getting off as Shane and I took a seat outside. Shane was in a good mood, this whole thing feeling like a big adventure to him, but this sudden change of scenery meant that we weren’t going to see Catherine anymore.

“You’re leaving? Why? They can’t make you do that?” She was pretty upset, especially once we were becoming close friends. When she would sneak out of her house to visit me while I was doing homework, we would talk about all of the training and the peer nonsense that happened day to day.

“Our lives are in danger. I know it seems like a lot, but we’ll be back. Once this whole thing blows over we’ll be right back here taking our normal classes.” I tried to reassure her that everything was going to be alright, but she knew that she wasn’t going to be able to come with us. Shane consoled her as I grabbed a coffee from inside, looking out the window where I saw Mr. Black staring. I shivered before turning back to the barista and grabbing the warm cup with my name written on it.

“Great, now I have to deal with all the assholes without any reprieve.” She slunk back in her chair and crossed her arms, “At least get me something while your there. A t-shirt, you know?” Both Shane and I laughed, seeing Mr. Andrews arrive from our peripherals. Catherine hugged us goodbye, giving me a big kiss on the cheek and then she ran off to go home. Mr. Andrews invited us to follow him and as we spoke, he sounded terrified.

“I will not be able to go with you. It’s unfortunate, but Mr. Black will be able to follow me. I hope you two the best.” He opened the door to a black car and waved us inside. Both Shane and I took our turn hugging him, because for all we knew this was going to be the last time we would see him, “Now, I hope to see you both very soon.” He waved at us through the window as we were driven away. Shane grabbed my hand and smiled, giving it a slight squeeze to let me know that he would be there to protect me. The driver was silent as we drove to the airport, Shane’s hand tightly wrapped around mine. The silent driver unloaded our bags onto a cart and then drove off. We were met by another man, inside the airport before we even went through the long lines to the terminals.

“Hello, you two. I’m Jason.” He shook our hands and we followed through the airport, “I’ll be taking you to the retreat, which isn’t really a retreat. It’s more of a secret hideout for people like us. It’s the more elite version of the school you previously attended.” He turned a corner and opened a door covered in yellow caution tape. Behind the door, a dark staircase lead down to a basement corridor that took us underneath the airport. At the end of the hall was another door, silver and ominous looking. For a second, I thought that maybe this would be where my life would end, killed underneath an airport and never to be found, but to our surprise, the door opened into a cabin.

“What is this?” Shane asked, touching the walls as we walked through. The door behind us closed and sealed, a suction sound making the world behind us disappear.

“Well, I didn’t get to introduce myself as much as I would like to. I’m one of two student representatives from this island we call home.” He opened the door to the cabin and bright light blinded us. Birds flew above us and chirped as they landed with their friends. Other students were sitting at campground tables and arguing about the possibilities of multiple strong connections or they were doing yoga on a luscious green field, “Cool, right? Our Dean has the ability to connect locations using her connected power. We like to take people to airports because if we happened to be followed, they may never know where we went.” Jason’s red hair reflected light as he started walking along the path and Shane was right behind him, reaching back for me as I caught up. 

“Is everyone here a partner to someone else?” I asked, looking at people practicing their merge. There was a duo that struggled, getting caught before he started grunting loudly and then flew out of his back, rejected. 

“Unfortunately, no. Some of us are severed bonds. Myself being one of them. The other student rep is around here somewhere and he one half of a whole.” Jason turned around a group of trees and sitting in the middle of an open space, surrounded by trees was a mansion. The mansion the Dean lived in and worked from, “I’ll be seeing you around, I’m sure.” He looked at me and smiled. Shane was too caught up to have noticed the flirtatious smirk as he turned around. 

“Ah! Welcome, boys!” The Dean appeared from the staircase, her secretary close behind her , checking off multiple things on a list. He was dismissed to do various jobs, such as attending to students and making sure that the island meetings were in order, “I’m Dean Kelley, and I’m happy to have you.” She shook our hands and smiled, “I’m sorry to hear about the unfortunate events that happened recently and I hope that your time here will be safer. You’ll be getting an excellent education as we teach you defense while continuing to teach you your core curriculum. The rest of the day is for you to get acquainted with the island. I know it can be quite an astonishing first day, so we don’t want to put too much pressure one you.” She opened a double door and let us walk through first, “See you at dinner.” She closed the door and the suction sound echoed again. Turning, we found ourselves inside of a cabin. Two sets of bunks were on one side with corresponding desks on the other. Behind one of the bunk beds, Jason was changing. I caught a glimpse of his abs as he slid the shirt down, catching my stare. 

“Ah! You guys get to share that bunk and I get this one. Unless one of you wanted to be my bottom?” He pointed at the perfectly made bed, untouched by any student. Of course, he meant something much more than that.

“We’ll be good here.” Shane picked up his bag which was transported for us and found a home on the bottom bunk. I did the same with the bunk above, climbing up and looking through the stuff I had packed. I lined my clothes in neat piles and then took them to their new temporary home. I slid the drawers into place and then tossed my back in the corner.

“Ready for your tour?” Jason was holding the door open, ready to take us around the island. We visited the main buildings first, such as the cafeteria, the nurse’s office, the training rooms, the gym, other living bunks, and so on. The island itself seemed virtually endless, surrounded by a pale white shroud that sort of hummed. Jason pointed over at the water, a white line appearing where the paleness met the surface, “That’s like this protection thing. It’s basically a shield from anything that hasn’t been allowed. It’s a cool thing that the Dean and her staff have been working on to increase security.” We continued walking, following the path to an open area. Instead of grass, dirt was its base and on it people were training. 

“It’s like a really cool video game.” Shane said. He wandered away, greeting the instructor. 

“Sure.” Jason raised an eyebrow at him as he walked away and then turned towards me, “So, are you two a thing? Like for real?” He asked, hands in his pockets.

“Sorry?”

“Not all connections have to be a couple, you know.” 

“I’m sorry, but shouldn’t your focus be on the tour as opposed to my romantic life?” I tilted my head sarcastically and managed to get an amused chuckled from Jason before we headed off. Shane caught up soon enough, and just in time for Jason to bring us to our bunk. We opened the door and walked through, suddenly inside of the Dean’s mansion again. The door closed and Jason was left on the other side.

“Ah! Take a seat. I hope Jason has been treating you well.” Dean Kelley was seated at a long table with a delicious assortment of dinner portions on metal trays. Shane and I sat across from each other, digging in almost immediately because we couldn’t remember eating that day.

“Thank you so much.” I said, sipping my water.

“No problem.” Dean Kelley smiled as we ate, “I just wanted to let you boys know that the training process from here on out is going to be very rigorous. We are going to make sure you can defend yourselves and control your powers.” She looked at me with deep eyes, “I think you boys should be proud that you found each other.” We continued eating, the plates soon becoming empty. As dessert was served, Dean Kelley placed her hand on mine, “Your parents would be proud.” I swallowed the last bit of cheesecake that was in my mouth and lightly set my fork down on the table. The evening finished with our schedules being given to us and as we left, we were asked to visit the art hangout.

“Oh! Awesome!” Shane said.

“The arts are important for cognitive development.” She said closing the door behind her. Shane bumped me with his elbow as we walked along the path towards the building she had described. This art hangout was basically a lounge where people would play music, drink coffee, and talk about art. 

“Oh, look who it is.” I whispered to Shane as I passed through the threshold of the lounge. Jason was sitting with a guitar and joking around.

Laughter erupted around him and then our eyes met. He smirked and continued playing. Shane yawned, stretching before tapping my shoulder.

“I think I’m going to head out, actually. I’ll see you tomorrow bright and early.” He smiled. I walked with him outside of the lounge and he kissed me, letting me head back inside. I tried to find Jason, but he was no where to be seen.

“I saw that.” Jason appeared out of nowhere, making me jump as the alternative music played in the background. 

“Saw what? We kissed.” I shrugged as I went to go pick up a steaming cup of hot chocolate, the warm cup in my palm and the steam rising into my nose. 

“Oh, nothing. You just look like you’re a little hesitant, that’s all. Maybe have someone else on your mind?” He spun around in a stool, stopping just in time to meet my eyes. I sipped the beverage, watching someone set up an old movie on a projector. The lights dimmed slowly and the music shut off, allowing the movie to fill the room. I sat in silence, hoping that Jason would leave me alone, but halfway through the movie I felt his kiss.

“What the - “

“You taste like chocolate.” His smirk was pissing me off and I wiped away his kiss, backing up towards the door.

“Well, I see you liked it.” He sat there in his stool, looking pleased with himself.

“No.” I huffed, “I’ll see you back at the bunk.” I didn’t know what to do. I was still in shock from suddenly being teleported to the island that this new development was starting to make me crazy.

“Goodnight.” I said to the darkness, looking up. Hopefully a good night’s rest will help me forget that Jason even existed. I was just worried that I wanted him to keep coming.

#LOP2.0 #LOP #series #human #possession

[howtolivealifelessordinary]

Be Fearless But Smart

One of the most common things I hear before I embark on any adventures is, “You’re going by yourself? Please, be careful!” or “Is it safe to go alone?”. While I do appreciate the care of my wellbeing, I can’t help but feel as if there is another meaning to these statements- “As a woman, it’s just not smart to go to (insert country) all by yourself.” These statements usually come from men and older people whereas my girlfriends and close friends will usually respond with, “Fuck yea, Sara, I’m so glad you’re doing this!” For this reason, I can’t help but get annoyed at people trying to project their own personal fears and old world beliefs onto me.

When I moved to Australia, before I went, a lot of people made the “joke” not to get eaten by a shark or crocodile or bitten by one of Australia’s hundreds of venomous species. I began to notice a pattern. The most cynical people opinionating themselves were the ones that had never left the country and some, even the state. The irony was, when I went to Australia, the Aussie’s who’d never been to the U.S. “jokingly” said it was because they were afraid of getting shot. It seemed to me that many were looking for an excuse not to go somewhere or do something as a mask for what they were truly trying to hide- their fear.

I hear it all the time, “Oh, I’d love to try diving but what if I saw a shark?” ; “I’d love to go bungee jumping but what if the rope broke?” ; “I always wanted to see the pyramids but I don’t think it’s the safest time to do so.”- All of these statements and many others I receive have one thing in common- they’re fueled by fear. And I noticed they usually start out from a place of love or ambition. It saddens me to think of how much opportunity and dreams are lost, how much more we don’t do as opposed to accomplishing, when coming from a place of fear. How much we are truly limiting ourselves by choosing to focus on the excuses and fears of the should-not’s and not focusing on the perseverance, growth, and sense of accomplishment that comes from overcoming adversity and our alleged limitations. To these individuals, I say, “If you see a shark, just breathe. Most of them have no interest in you and if they start getting too close for comfort, knock them in the nose.” ; “If my rope broke or my parachute didn’t deploy at least I died doing something that I always wanted to do.” ; “Nowhere in the world is safe these days.” I live my life one day at a time and I try not to worry too much about the future or the what-ifs. All I know is today, I want to be happy, today I want to enjoy my life, today I want to feel free, and the only way I know how to accomplish that is by getting out there and trying it all. Life is like food and sex- You never know what you do and don’t like until you’ve tried it. And if you’re like me, you like to give things a fair 2 or 3 tries before you decide. (Wink, wink)

The people who are just afraid of getting hurt or dying don’t really bother me too much. It’s the one’s that use my gender as an excuse for why I shouldn’t do some things that I really have a problem with. I have now been to Peru, India, and Egypt on my own, all places I was told that I shouldn’t travel to as a solo female and all places that I felt completely comfortable and in control. After being groped, beaten, and sexually abused by men in my own country, I’ve learned a lot on how to remain unnoticed by the opposite sex and I use these smarts to not get myself in the same situations on foreign soil. I stay strong and alert no matter where I’m at in the world because I’ve learned that it could happen anywhere by anyone and it’s better to be safe than very very sorry. As women, we’re taught how to avoid these things and we adjust our lives accordingly. Some women prefer to go to the gym or take self defense and some choose to dress and act more conservatively and they both have validity and a place in society. Being smart about it means that we understand there are still some places that as solo females we should just avoid, no matter what country- dark alleys, sketchy neighborhoods, and male prisons.

For the people who choose to use my gender as an excuse for their fear I say, “Fuck you. Start teaching our sons to respect women and treat us like people instead of property. Stop telling me where I can and can’t go when you’ve never been there yourself. I’ve grown up in a world that can be very unkind to women, do you think I haven’t learned a few things? And what? Am I supposed to just wait until it’s “safe” to go or wait until some man decides he wants to accompany me? Fuck that. I wait for no one and I’m not going to continue on with this cycle of fear preventing me from living my life.”

It’s never really “safe” to go anywhere in the world, especially these days with the fear of terrorism in every direction. I could have gone to Europe or Mexico or Florida or the UK and have just as likely been in danger. The “terrorist’s” intent is to incite fear in all of us and if we allow it to prevent us from doing the things we desire in life then we are essentially letting them win. You want to fight terrorism? Then act with love. Love for your life. Love for your “god”. Love for your freedom. Love for your fellow humans despite our cultural differences. Because that’s what this war on terror really is, a war on love. Which side do we want to be on?

“I’m so jealous of everything you do. You’re so brave, Sara.”

“It’s got nothing to do with bravery. I’m stubborn as fuck. There’s no reason to be jealous when you are just as capable.”

Sometimes I think that the only reason the world is still so “dangerous” for women is because it’s just not used to seeing us be empowered or independent. My theory is, that if I just go out there and represent us ladies well in the world then I’m only making it easier and safer for my daughters to do the same in the future. 

Fear can fuel us. It can make us test our boundaries or at least help us realize what our boundaries are. It can knock you on your ass, afraid to try again or it can be our teacher and educate us how to better handle something in future. It ties in a lot with being vulnerable and when we overcome our fears, we overcome ourselves and set the bar higher. And while fear is absolutely necessary and a healthy thing to have, it is in perfect duality with how irrational it can be and how detrimental it can be to our mind and our lives. If you live your life in constant fear, then you are never really free and you are never really living. We’re all born and we all die but it’s everything that we accomplish in between that makes us more accepting of our fate or fearful of it.

The reason I say I’m not brave is because I experience fear just like everyone else. But I’m very rebellious by nature and I think of fear as an authoritative figure in my life that needs to be questioned and challenged constantly.

I’m terrified of the ocean but I don’t let it stop me from surfing or diving or cage-diving with sharks. It fuels my curiosity and makes me question what it is about something that is scary to me. When you begin to understand your fears, it makes it easier to overcome or rationalize them. I’ve realized that the only reason I feared the ocean was because of the depth and darkness, how murky the water can be, what lies undiscovered in there, essentially, the unknown. Understanding that sparks a curiosity in me that desires to discover more and I find the more I discover and begin to understand, the less I am afraid. I chose to let my love of nature and the planet overrule my fear of not understanding it. Just like I choose to let my love of people, spirituality, food, and experience overrule my fear of dangerous men in the world. I am afraid of what the future may hold but I use that to seize each day and live the way I want to right now.

I refuse to let my fear of life prevent me from loving my life and loving my life entails doing so many things that started out as scary.

#how to live a life less ordinary #be fearless #empowering women #solo female travel #don't tell me where I can't go #stop letting fear rule your life #fight for love #let love win #you can't fight death #carpe diem #do what makes you happy #be free #liberate yourself from fear #fear is my fuel #curiosity wins #feed your fire #love your life #women in the world #ladies stand up #for our daughters #people not property #overcome your fears #love is my religion

[hgfstreamchats]

Pokemon Yellow Nuzlocke: Part II

Hello there, Starscream! Hello! Greetings. What madness is this? Who knows? Is the screen blurry for you? Not terribly, no. Ahh, it was on my end. It looks normal to me Hello! Hello! Seems legit. Why does he have no shoes? I do not like that the small creature has no shoes. .... ... "As bitch" Did you pause it, or is the stream doing something bad? Post-update, the stream's always doing something bad.

... Seems legal! Looking for one without the logo in the corner because it annoys me. Wasn't "snakes" code for... some ethnic group or something Knowing humans, probably. Mobile poob. Oh my god Oh boy Oh my god Well said. Oh my god. they cannot help but be dysfunctional with every breath Brief 30 second advertisement. Maybe they could take bitcoin! OH BOY Of being kidnapped and mugged. Oh my god. ............ ewwwwwwww Holy shit Dear Unicron. The flashing was distracting I can imagine. I still can't believe we named the pig monkey that. I think it's appropriate. AND hilarious. Agreed! I had to run an errand, what have I missed? What was happening in the stream when you left? Oh! Naming! Suggestions! Fluffy. 😃 The beginning of a staff meeting was going on when I had to leave. Well, basically, the people they invited into their "Paddy's Wagon" were not impressed and they kind of... kidnapped and mugged a bunch of people And dropped them off in the woods. That can happen when one signs up to a drinking convoy. Also, the "leprechaun trap" caught a guy They had an argument over whether he was a leprechaun and kinda... tortured him a bit. Eventually it turned out he was a pickpocket. And they dumped him in the woods, too. A fine adventure. I am sorry to have missed it. And it also turned out that maybe he was in fact a leprechaun? Or maybe the paint-drinker was hallucinating. I'm sorry we can't get this crysalis thing I'm thinking of trading someone out for the new rock. Yes, get Fluffy big and strong Put Witwicky in the Box. Make him suffer neglect It's What He Deserves Fluffy's sturdy. That might save a life down the road. Unless it learns self destruct. Unless that. Also, Alpinacee already knows a fighting move and is capable of learning more. Is... that a thing? Do geodudes blow themselves up? When they get bigger, I think it is a thing they do. Huh. That said, I never claim to know that much about these monsters. I am certainly too old to become a pokemon master myself. That sprite looks... weird. Fluffy has some very unusual growths. Maybe they're like... round stalagmites Oh, Fluffy, I already like you. I'm going to take you far in the world. Love how we just cut in line every time. Outta the way, kid! Pokemaster coming through! We were destined to either run into a geodude or one of those horrid bats no one likes and I'm thrilled at our luck. I just realized. He looks like a cabbage! We will still somehow end up with a bat. Just out of spite. What is Alpina, again? Nidoran female. Ohhhhh, right! Ohhhhh, right! Time for another mugging! "I'm waiting for my friends to find me here" doesn't exactly make it seem like SHE'S attacking US We are absolutely attacking the other children, killing their pets, and stealing their money. Tonight's theme is mugging. It is, isn't it. Oh! A paras! 😀 Even that leprachaun from the first video might've been plotting to mug them. There are so many lovely and hideously venomous pokemon in this game~ Did that guy have... a whip? probably Yes, that's a whip 😕 For whipping disobedient children. Is that better or worse than if it were for whipping pokemon That would depend upon who you are asking. Cabbage vs orange Wait, what just happened Ohhhh Wheeljack! Red! About to hotbox the frag out of my ship What is this Excellent. Knock Out is beating up children... and the occasional weird adult... and their pets, for $$$ Pokemon Yellow, Nuzlocke run. If the little monsters faint, they die. nice Also, limited to catching the first wild pokemon we meet in each area so it IS possible to make it to the end of the game and not have enough of a team to survive it what is that, a rock? Yeah, it's a Geodude A rock with arms. .... Rockman? Red, is that rockman?? Rock with fists! Rockman Returns Son of Rockman Unicron blessed. Rockman Messiah. If we find a Clefairy, I'm taking it for no other reason than they're rare and we'll almost certainly never use it. Do it. It would not be the first cheat we have overlooked. Go, Fluffy! Anakin You know. Because sand. Take the dome fossil. Do they do something? It is the superior one. You can revive the pokemon that it once was. Why can't you just grab 'em both, I mean you beat this kid into the ground already-- Ohhhh. Nice. Jessie! James! 😀 I love these idiots. Gasp How dare you hurt Meowth. He must be killed. GASP. All who oppose must perish. He's just sleeping. Gasp! Our monsters are growing up. She looks so TRIUMPHANT. As she should be! She's ruthless! blasting off agaiiiiiiiind *again Is this a new area? Are we allowed to get... A NEW POKEMON? That was entirely too close a call. In the future, no more skimping on antidotes. It would have been a terrible anticlimactic end. Oh--poison continues out of combat? Yes. Ahhhh. Sounds vaguely unsavory. "Haha, Bill will do ANYTHING for rare pokemon, if you know what I mean" Well, time to pay Bill a visit! Starscr, can't believe you don't even name your pokemons. It's like you don't care. ...Okay, two cheat cards. Oh--oh no! Special. Little. Boy. Not Lambo! That never happened. I didn't see anything if none of you saw anything. I was looking at something in another tab, personally. Seems unfair that pokemon names get more characters than player/rival names. That's right, Night human. You were. Putting the most disposable first? Another Mankey? More like the most in need of training. Be right back. Well done, Rat With No Name! Always with the poison. And those horrifying flashes. Back! Oh, so THAT'S what the flashing is. I thought it was just... part of that area. What'd I miss? No one died. Ominous but okay. Fluffy's saving Lambo the indignity of being repeatedly killed by small birds. Fluffy's nice that way. Lambo seems to be very fragile. And the game will never let him evolve. I'm starting to consider him more of a pet than a battling Pokemon. That's valid. He is your mascot. As you travel the world, killing everything in your way. Awwwww, you can't ACTUALLY join Team Rocket? You just say no in a cutscene? Bah. To be fair, with all the trainers we've been mugging, they're not good enough for US That's fair. I'm convinced that was my offscreen response. Ha. Oh, the people on the bridge scare you, and then someone comes along and beats all of them, so you attack that person? Thinker of the year award! Name! Audrey II Yes! !!!! TEN characters for pokemon names. And only seven for your own name !! : D So I missed... exactly HOW you got Rodimus there? That kid just gave you him? Apparently. Gosh. Gosh. Time to train. He's just a baby. But we'll raise him up into a beautiful, full fledged disaster. I've actually never met a Rodimus in my life. You're missing out. I hear they are noisy. Baby's leveling up already. Oooooo. I like this one. Violet? GASP. Oh is this because of its evolution It's because of its eyes and mouth. Oh, come on! It's cute! Moth, fly. Doesn't matter, I'm clever. Absolutely adorable, right up until it becomes a moth with mandibles that take up half its face Still adorable. If down the road we all decide we love it, we'll rename it Violet. There's NOTHING WRONG with having mandibles that take up half your face. Agreed! I just love it when it's a fuzzbug ...also, you can rename things? A few towns on. Nice. This is SO Zelda overworld. Isn't it just? : D Love that Nidorina. I'm glad you got her. *is concerned* Seems like they should've gotten more xp for that. That was brutal. I forgot how much psychic powers suck for you in this game That was brutal and concerning. I thought for sure we were going to lose someone. we're gonna be fine for a few gyms, but then we have to face the Psychic gym We will need a ghost. And will likely still lose party members. Well, that's sobering. "I wish my guy was as good as you!" I get that a lot. Ha! I wouldn't normally hike back after one battle, but that slowpoke encounter terrified me. Yeah, me too. And really, why NOT get all the free healing you can? Does running away have a failure chance? Yes. Sometimes you cannot escape. Ah. Baby's first solo kill! ... Good work, little creature. Great, now Rodimus can leer. Inevitable. Get your own clefairy, you moocher. So this is Bill. A little TOO into pokemon, if you know what I mean. All aboard the S.S. Bang Ship. Bill's favorite mode of transportation. Pfffft! Innocent bystanders are always dressed like team rocket. "I'm an innocent bystander," says the guy with a whip and a shirt with a big R on the front "And if you don't believe me, I'll kill you!" But we get to keep the stolen property we recovered, right? Or course. So shines a good deed in a naughty world. !!!!!! She BUFF. yuuup Guy over there just chilling in the water. Lambo''s benched, so we need that Bulbasaur. So she offers you the Bulbasaur if she sees you giving potions to pokemon? If the pikachu is happy enough. Ohhhh. ...What WOULD be a good name for a Bulbasaur Leafy Doom? Doom Bloom Tailgate? I love a good theme and it's stubby. Hee! Go for it. No Audrey II? Audrey II's face makes me uncomfortable. Shall we leave it there for tonight? I'm tempted to bump these up to weekly; I'm having that much fun with this. Weekly? Yeah! That sounds great. I would be on board for weekly sessions. It's all I can do to put it down now! Gambling with these little creatures' lives is addicting. All in good fun. One never knows when it will all go horribly worng. Exhibit A, slowpoke. Yeah. All right, all right, to be continued! I look forward to it! And for our sign off video... .... That is not an encouraging title. ..... "They found him reading the bible, without his pants" .... Well. The correct way to end this evening. The only correct way. Goodnight, and thank you for hosting. Until next time! I look forward to it! Good night! Yes, thank you for the stream! And see you next week! See you then!

[midnightwhispers12]

Hello internet void.

I... am having a lot of feelings right now. I am sad, and shocked, and very, very scared. But I am also sort of - curiously numb? I’m not sure exactly how to describe it.

I apologize in advance, this is probably going to be long and kind of messy and disjointed, but I’m not really sure how else to try and process. I. I don’t really have a friend I can call at nearly midnight on a Thursday night. So word vomit all over the internet seems as good a plan as any. At least this way no one has to actually read it, right? That’s nice.

I guess, to start with, some context. About seven months ago, I moved out of my family home. (Again. *eyeroll*) Kind of a sad statement for someone who just turned 30, I know, but still true. And between various roommates and my ex-husband, this is actually the first time I’ve lived completely alone for more than a few weeks at a time. Parts of it are great! But it can also be a little lonely. So I still spend a fair bit of time at my parents’ house, hanging out with my mom, step-dad, and 11 year old little brother. I actually like them as people, in addition to being related to them, so it works out nicely

Tonight, I was over at their house. To get the full scope of the family, there are not only the humans I mentioned earlier, but also my 6 year old rottie/lab mix, Zoe, my brand spanking new 5 1/2 week old husky/Australian Shepherd puppy, Zerick, his littermate, Miles, who belongs to my baby brother, my step-dad’s border collie, Simon, and my mom’s tiny 20 pound mutt mix, Kaylee. (She really should weigh about 12 pounds, but she’s fat; and I say “mutt mix” because we have no idea what breeds happened there.)

My parents and I live in the suburbs of Austin, Texas. (I’m a bit closer to the city than them, but not by much.) It’s actually kind of “big city” for my mom and I, who grew up in super-rural Missouri. Their backyard is pretty nice, as the houses on that side of the subdivision all back up against a tiny “lake” (read: man-made pond) owned by the city - it’s pretty, people fish there a lot in nice weather. And a while back (kind of a long while, but not really the point), the back section of the backyard fence blew down in a windstorm, so we have a better view of the lake than ever! My parents put up a temporary cattle-grate-style fence; metal, big square holes, not very pretty, but gets the job done. Well, mostly. The little dog, Kaylee, can fit through the holes in the fence; she knows she’s not supposed to, but she does it anyway sometimes because she likes to go be adventurous.

Tonight was much like any other night - we were all watching TV, talking, goofing off, what have you. We spent a lot of time giggling at the baby puppies, who are active and want to play, but aren’t very coordinated yet, so they fall down a lot. One puppy got tired and went to bed, but my little guy, Zerick, was still going strong. He started acting like he might have to go potty (which is basically every five minutes, because puppy) so my mom took him, Zoe, and Kaylee (and maybe Simon? I’m not sure) out into the back yard to romp and do their business. Little bro was showing me his dance that he had to learn for gym class the last couple weeks, and I was doing pirouettes with him like a moron. (Seriously, I am not graceful. At all.)

All of a sudden, my mom comes bursting in the back door, half hysterical, shouting that something just took Kaylee.

It took me a second to comprehend that she said something and not someone.

I grab my shoes and rush outside, mom goes to wake up my stepdad who had gone to bed already, they grab shoes, and we all go fighting through the knee-high grass out toward the lake a couple hundred yards away, trying to figure out what happened. My mom is crying hysterically the whole time, because all she saw was Kaylee get outside the fence, something pick her up like a toy, and take off running. She heard Kaylee yelp once, and then never heard another sound from her.

All the way out by edge of the lake, my stepdad finds her, and all he can say is “Oh God.” Pretty, sweet, stubborn, courageous Kaylee never had a chance.

I’m kind of grateful that neither Mama nor I were close enough to really see her - all we saw was her tan and white furry body shining in the flashlight beam - but my poor stepfather not only found her, but was also the one to move her into a grave he dug.

And I just... Sad, that her little life was cut so short, and in such a violet manner. I’m hearbroken - for my mama, who watched her get taken, with nothing she could do about it, because it happened in an instant; for my baby brother, who just buried his first pet, told me this was the worst day of his life, and then cried himself to sleep; for my stepdad, who lost his little buddy and then had to do the hard, bloody work at the end.

I’m shocked, that such a thing happened. It happened in town, where I don’t think of such things being an issue. Out in the middle of nowhere, where my grandparents lived on a farm? Sure. Here in the city? Never! I’m shocked that it happened to our family, that our Kaylee Sue is gone in an instant. Actually, I might still be IN shock, just a little, because despite this whole novella talking about it, it still doesn’t quite seem real.

And I’m scared. Terrified, really. Because we don’t know what took Kaylee from us. Big dog? Coyote? Something else? Who knows what’s out there. I’ve always been afraid of the dark anyway. I’d been doing good lately, not being scared, but I have a feeling I’m going to be taking a few steps back now. I know it’s not really rational, but that doesn’t make the fear any less real for me. My 5 pound puppy? Could be eaten. Easily. My 75 pound fur baby could lose her life fighting something big enough to carry off a 20 pound dog. Easily. My 80 pound baby brother walks himself to the bus stop alone every morning. Do I really think that a wild animal would venture into the street with that many cars and people moving around? No, not really. Not rationally. But rationality? Really has no bearing on fear. What if something attached my little brother?

I hung around at my parents house for as long as I could. But I wasn’t crying; I still can’t seem to find my tears. And my mom started telling me, “you can go ahead and go home if you want.” And, at that, how could I not take my two playful, energetic, alive furbabies out of their house so that they could mourn in peace? Zerick was trying to play with Kaylee’s favorite toy, for crying out loud, and it’s just way, way too soon for that. Besides, there was nothing I could actually do to help; nothing that could be done at all.

And I don’t belong there anymore. It’s not my place. I know that. But that doesn’t change the fact that being alone right now feels monumentally wrong. I’m sure it’s partially because I just don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t have even a vague urge to actually do anything. But I can’t sleep either.

All I can do is think about how I should have been outside with my mom, watching the dogs with her; it was mostly my dog that wanted to go outside. Maybe if there’d been two of us, we could have stopped Kaylee before she got outside the fence. Maybe if there’d been two of us, that would have been enough to scare off whatever took her. Maybe if I’d left earlier, they wouldn’t have been outside at all tonight; everyone would have already been in bed asleep. Maybe if my stepdad had fixed the real fence sometime in the last year, Kaylee wouldn’t have been able to get outside the safe perimeter of the yard - I could have been, should have been, much more helpful in making that happen. Around and around I go, considering all the ways I could have prevented what happened tonight. The logical side of my brain knows that it’s a fruitless though process; all I’m going to do is make myself feel even worse. But the emotional/reactionary side of my brain just doesn’t care what ~logic~ has to say about anything, that that’s the side that seems to be in charge right now.

I don’t know how to wrap this up. There’s no lesson, no moral to the story. Just sadness, and uselessness, and needless violence. I guess, if you actually made it this far, thank you for reading; thank you for allowing me to voice some of what’s happening in my head right now. It means a lot.

#sadness #word vomit #don’t know what else to do with my feelings right now #tw: pet death #should probably delete this later once i have a better handle on myself #sorry y’all

[chasingchescaroberto-blog]

Day 47

Dont read read this if you aren’t on your own and you can’t call me afterwards. We’ll need to speak. I love you, I’m sorry if it’s a lot to handle.

You want to know everything and this is my heart I’m about to pour out. The story of me, before all of this stuff happend I was similar to how I am now I suppose. It’s been a a long journey but I really feel that I am where I need to be. What I think you need to understand first of all is that the first two girls who I really was ever with fucked me over. I was cheated on, I was emotionally ruined by both of them. After that I became quite against the idea of relationships because I was hurt essientally, I hated the way that felt and didn’t ever want to be in a position where someone could do that to me again. So following that I just tried to sleep with anyone really, this is before Uni btw. There was no love in my life just lust and disregard. Then you came along. I resisted us. I remember saying to you, if we go out then one of two things happen, we marry or we break up, that’s the only outcomes of this. I said break ups hurt and wouldn’t want to feel like that again. So as the months went by my resisted faded. I let your love in and I gave you mine in return. I was happy again.

Then came Euan. Just like I will never understand the pain I have put you through. You will never understand what I felt like. I never said to you that I blamed myself for him dying, apart from when I was drunk I guess. Following that I found the dead body. Now I know at the time I seemed ok, but our relationship was doing really well and I was enjoying it. I would never have been able to cope if I hadn’t spent so many nights with you. I didn’t tell you this at the time, I didn’t say I feel like I’m lost at sea, I just don’t like to cry. But I guess looking back I should have. In this year my auntie almost died on the operating table and I was assaulted at work, but men don’t worry they just get on with it, that’s what we’re told, so that what I did.

This is where the escapism was born out of, I just wanted to escape how I was feeling, and being travelling I saw as a way to do that. There was no goal, just to escape. Around this time you asked me ‘where’s this relationship going’ and all of a sudden I was terrified. I no longer had control of anything. I was scared that if we didn’t work out I couldn’t take it, I couldn’t take any more pain. So after Sziget I just withdrew myself, I used America as a way to create distance and tried to make you hate me. I thought it’s good if she hates me, because she will block me out. I know this is all so stupid btw but I wasn’t me.

Then third year began, we hugged on the corner and we cried. Without dealing with any of my issues I begged you to take me back. But then my third placement started and it was so hard and so tiring. I was so anxious all the time because I was convinced I wasn’t good enough. I thought if I fail this everyone will hate me. This is where the self confidence and self neglect really started. I ignored all of our issues from the past and tried to move on without dealing with them. I didn’t want to leave the house really. Every day I was jumping straight to the worse case scenario, thinking something in my life is going to go wrong. This time I broke us up to protect myself and you again. I said goodbye at your bedroom door, I didn’t want to leave that day either, I had just convinced myself that it was what we needed. Through everything I have spoken about so far I had not been emotionally stable for a long period at any point, so many highs, too many lows.

Now the end of Uni was coming, I was fucking terrified of what was going to happen next, our relationship had gotten worse. I showed myself no attention, I showed you no attention. You were the only one who could have changed my mind but I never opened my mouth and spoke. I just ignored my feelings and carried on scraping through the end of the year. I saw you on the last day in tears. I couldn’t figure out how we could make thing better again while I felt like this. I lay in the my bed in my bare and empty room, that’s when I had hit my lowest. I sent you that text, the worse thing I had ever done and went into the bathroom. I sat in the shower for what felt like hours. I felt so alone but that’s how I wanted to feel, I don’t know why it had come to this but I did feel like I was letting you free. What saved me really was Ed coming back, he pulled me through. I made it home and started to rebuild.

Now I know I missed out the part where I slept with her. But I can’t stress enough how cold and unpleasant that was. I just wanted to escape all my guilt, I thought it could help. I felt nothing and still don’t towards that person. They are gone from my life and it’s always going to be that way. It won’t be a shadow that looms over us.

I was doing a lot better and actually started to feel like I could achieve something again. I got a well paid job and sorted somewhere to live. I was still thinking about you every day, but I hadn’t sorted myself out completely. We connected again because of the playlist but in truth I wasn’t ready. As soon as I moved there was so much going on, I couldn’t piece things together with us. I wasn’t over the pain and I don’t think either of us were. I shouldn’t have started things before the move, but I was so scared you would drift too far and end up moving on falling in love and I would lose you forever. I was incredibly selfish. I hadn’t decided what I was going to do when you made my mind up for me. You texted me and I could tell I had broken you again, I stared at that text for three days or so. Now I was just heartbroken as I’m sure you were too. But what it triggerd in me was a need to change. I was never going back to the version of myself I hated. I started trying in all aspects of my life, and it’s paid off in such a big way. I looked back at everything and decided what I wanted. I wanted love, with honesty, with someone I was best friends with, with someone who I could share all what I have achieved and what I want to achieve with me. To get this I knew I needed to improve everything, this is why is started the gym and the guitar, the change In diet. I tried to become the person I want to be. 5 months of no contact allowed me to get my emotions reset, the only thing left was the playlist and you had stopped adding to it. I was and always have been in love with you. I pictured our reunion every day, but I was scared of even trying to reach out to you. Because the rejection could send me back to a dark place. Then we spoke again, and I have made the agreement with myself. This the final chapter of this story, I will do all I can for the person I share my with to be you. Because to me you are perfect, not just the way you look, through to the soul you are everything that is pure and beautiful to me. I’m sorry for everything but I’m not sorry that I’ve always loved you.

Now I am open, completely vulnerable. I have given up the control I always crave, I have let everything in to try and show you that you have all of me. You have my heart. What’s weird is that even though I am anxious about what you are thinking every day, terrified that I won’t feel your touch again, I am at peace. I know this is what I want. That is satisfying, I have come this far and I have found the answer to why I want with my life. An adventure with the person I love the most, I want to share everything with you, take us to the edge of the world and back, back to our cosy house. I close my eyes and I can see my ideal future.

I know this might all have seemed so negative but that is because I have explained the downside of my life during this period. I don’t look back and think what a shit time we had. I have some of the best days of my life with you. I just want everything that goes from now to be fun and natural. I am free of my past self, ‘mean Jack’ he’s gone. I won’t ever mistreat a woman I am with ever again, I won’t do anything I think would hurt you. Scars still need to heal, but I know I can nurse your heart back to health. We will be better than we ever were before, because now you have me 100% commited, no emotions pulling me down, no guilt of lost friends, just me. Now I am better than any version of me that you have known. You make me so happy and I just want I fill my life with that happiness. I haven’t seen you in 2 months and my love just grows anyway. For me everything is different now, but there a two sides to this story. Just as sad as each other’s. I just pray that I’m not too late, that too much damage has been done.

You wanted to know, now you do. I know you are going to be upset reading this. But understand none of this was your fault, I don’t think you will blame yourself but I want to make that clear. I take full responsibility for my actions, you didn’t deserve what I have done to us. Just pleas let me show you how perfect life can be, if you take my hand I won’t make you regret it.

From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. I will never break this promise, that I will ever do any of this shit to you again. I know myself too well to let it happen. I’m In love you Jessica Robertshaw, and I always will be

[megbox]

~

What time do you wake up most mornings? Honestly, ever since I’ve been out of school I have been sleeping in until like 10:30am and it has been absolutely wonderful. 

Do you enjoy your job? If unemployed, are you content being so? I absolutely love my job. It is by far my favourite job that I’ve ever had and sometimes it doesn’t even feel like work. It just feels like I get to hang out with my friends and get paid for it. 

What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately? My applications. 

Do you have any tattoos? Do you want any/more? I have my one little Death Cab tribute tattoo on my left inside wrist. I can think of some hypothetical tattoos that I like to daydream about but I don’t know if the motivation is strong enough to actually go back and get more. Plus I’m scared of the pain. 

What is your favourite Christmas movie? Chevy Chase Christmas Vacation. Duh. 

What do you get complimented on the most? My eye colour or oddly enough my butt. 

If money was no object, where would you move to? Vancouver or Victoria. 

Do you believe in soul mates? No. The idea is too limiting for me, and that makes it terrifying. What if you let your soul mate go? What if it doesn’t work out?  

If you could wake up tomorrow and be fluent in 3 additional languages, which would you choose? French, Japanese, and OooOoohohoo I don’t even know. Maybe Arabic because I feel like that would allow me to understand a lot of the news better. 

Would you rather go on a relaxing beach type holiday to the Caribbean, a cultural holiday to Japan or an adventure packed holiday to South Africa? Cultural holiday to Japan all. the. WAY. 

Who are the three most important people in your life? Me, myself, and I. (LOOOOL) 

Would you sacrifice everything for love? LOL no

Have you ever been in love? Yes yes. It was wonderful at the time!!! :) 

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Hopefully not where I am now. 

Are you scared of the future? A little bit right now because things are currently in limbo. But I’m also excited and energized by that fact. 

What’s the last reason you held someone’s hand? I can’t really remember. 

Are you lonely? Be honest. A little bit. I miss having sex lmao and having someone to spend the night always made me sleep better and feel better. But I have my friends :) 

Listening to anything? Nooo. My roommates are sleeping and I don’t want to awaken my precious angel babes.  

Last thing said out loud? "Bye!! I love you all!” 

Last thing bought? My staff meal at work? And before that, a shirt and a sweater from American Eagle. 

Last text received? “Much love to u always xoxoxoxoxoxoxo” from Sydney~ 

What has made you happy today? Ohmygod so much!!!! I got invited to brunch and got to have lols. I ran 5km on the treadmill and even though I HATE treadmills my time wasn’t all that bad, I got a nice new sweater in my favourite colour, I made some decent money at work, I got asked out on a date and a cute guy that I like is going to teach me how to make pasta, we made plans to go to Banff to party... LOTS OF GOOD THINGS. 

What has made you sad today? I had a 1-on-1 session at my gym today that I got for free when I signed up and my form on a lot of exercises that I used to SLAY is sooo bad. 

What room are you in? My room! 

Last thing eaten? Cheetos~~~~*~~*~~ YES

Last thing you drank? Good old fashioned H20. 

Rate your day on a scale of 1-10: Honestly like 8. It was a wonderful day. 

What websites do you have bookmarked? Just a whole lot of recipes. Some interesting reddit threads that I’ve come across. Job postings. And rent postings from back in the summer. 

Last reason you kissed someone? Because I wanted to! :) 

Do you have an iPhone? Yeah. 

Do you bite your nails? If so, do you wish you didn’t? Hahahahahahhah omg yes I do. So badly. I desperately wish I didn’t but I don’t even notice it when it’s happening anymore. 

Last pair of shoes you wore? My salt-stained navy blue H&M booties. Love those things. 

Last movie you watched? Perks of Being a Wallflower with Emma :) 

Name something you’re grateful for. My job! 

Are you wearing anything that’s not yours? Nooope. 

Do you shop at Urban Outfitters? Sometimes if I’m feeling spend-y. 

Have you ever experienced an earthquake? Nope nope. 

Has anyone ever tried stealing your boyfriend/girlfriend away? I don’t really know how to answer this. There were definitely lots of girls that hit on my ex but in retrospect I don’t know if they knew he wasn’t single at the time so were they really trying to STEAL him or just GET him? 

If you were in the hospital, do you think any of your exes would come see you? Maybe if I was like... on my death bed. For any other reason, probably not. Not really necessary. 

Would you rather read an entire encyclopedia or an entire dictionary? Definitely an encyclopedia.

What do you have in common with the last person you kissed? Mmmm lots. We both like music festivals, we both were in the same program at school, we are the same age... idk. Lots. 

Are you doing anything important tomorrow? Hell no. It’s going to be a lovely day of doing nothing. 

Would you move out your house if you could right now? I don’t know how to answer this one. I LOVE WHERE I LIVE so so much and it’s perfect in every single way it’s just too BIG for our current needs and our utility bills are too high. But the hassle of moving for that reason makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. 

Can you whistle? Oh yeah. 

Do you like being called baby? By certain people. 

Would you rather drink orange juice or milk? Orange juice all the WAY. 

Do you wish you could kiss someone right now? VERY BADLY. 

Do you hate when people interrupt your sleep? Honestly it happens so rarely I don’t even know. 

Do you miss the way things used to be between you and someone else? Yessss. 

What do you think of your best friend’s ex? Quite literally the most manipulative, selfish, idiotic piece of fucking SHIT that has ever walked this earth and he is EXTREMELY damaging to her life and self worth and mental health and if I could personally exterminate one person from this planet it would, no doubt, be him. 

How long would you wait to say “I love you” in a relationship? A long time. I want to make sure it’s not superficial and I want to make sure it’s not going to scare him. I’d probably feel like I was in love a few months before I’d actually tell my partner. It took me about eight months in my last relationship. 

If you had a child at the age you’re at now, do you think you’d be a good parent? I would be an absolutely terrible parent. 

When was the last time you felt tempted to do something you shouldn’t? Did you do it? HAHA. The other night whilst at work. I almost went through with it but chickened out because I was like “Megan you are bein CRAZY girl” 

What year was it five years before you were born? 1989! 

What holiday is closest to your birthday? Easter. 

What is your name if you spell it without the letters “e” “y” and “t”? Mgan Macka.

What year is the oldest car you or your family owns? Mine for sure. It’s a 2004. 

Who is your 9th contact in your phone? Alina! 

Have you had your birthday yet this year? No! It’s coming up!!! I am VERY excited. 

Why did you go to the doctor the last time you went? I wanted to discuss getting some kind of prescription skincare routine going. 

How old will you be in 5 years? 27. 

Where was the last place you went? Sara and Alex’s. 

Is there a mirror in your room? There are many. 

Do you have a twin? No! I have a birthday twin but we’re two years apart. 

Who was the last person that borrowed money from you? I don’t recall. I’m pretty fucking stingy about my money so I’m not usually the one people come to for a loan. 

The last time you went out to eat, what did you order? This morning I went to brunch with my pals and I got an eggs benedict with kale, garlic, and mushrooms. 

The last text message you sent to someone else - what did it say? I said, “Thanks buddy!!! Hope you get some sleep love you lots!” 

Would you be prepared to do a job that you didn’t like, if it paid well? See: my internship this summer.  

If you hair is straight, do you ever wish it was curly? If your hair is curly, do you ever wish it was straight? I wish every single day that my hair was curlier or wavier. 

Is there someone that dislikes you for no reason? There are tons of people who dislike me with pretty good reasons. 

When did you last see an attractive member of your preferred sex? Did you speak to them? Do you think you’ll see them again? A few hours ago. I definitely spoke to him and I will definitely see him again in the very near future. 

Do you tend to have a lot of those moments where you forget something that you wanted to say? Sorta. 

How long have you known the last person you text messaged? Over ten years now! WHAAAAT that’s wild. 

What exactly did you eat for your last meal? Have you any idea what you’ll be eating your next meal? I had a sandwich at work. Next meal is breakfast and I’m kinda LOW in the food department so we’re gonna probably be dining on some OATMEAL tomorrow morning. WONDERFUL. 

When will you next go for a night out? HmmMMm not too sure actually. This weekend and next weekend aren’t really going to be “night out” kind of things. 

Are you still with the person you fell hardest for? If not, do you still care for each other? No, not with him. I care about him in the sense that I hope he is doing well but want absolutely nothing to do with him. 

If you found out that your ex was having a child with someone else, how would you feel about that? It would honestly probably make me feel relieved because that is not something I’d want for myself at ALL so I’d feel more solidified in knowing we don’t belong together at all. 

Is there someone from your past that you think about from time to time, and you wonder what might have happened to them? Why don’t you see/speak to that person anymore? HAHA YES ALL THE TIME. I don’t see or speak to this person because I broke it off with him to get back together with someone else like two years ago and it was super lame of me, and he is now very happy with a new partner and he deserves that happiness and she’s not my biggest fan so I just sort of try to fuck off and silently curse myself for making that mistake. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you with your life? Why? 8. I’m just very grateful for what I have and what is coming up in my life.

What do you remember about your first kiss? I was on cloud NINE after it happened and I couldn’t stop smiling or thinking about him. It was at a skating rink. It was anticipated throughout the whole day and I couldn’t wait. The guy was a cutie pie. 

Have you ever said that you’d never do something, and then done it? Lots. Drugs, get a tattoo, get a piercing. Never hold me to any “I’d never do x” promise. 

Do you have romantic feelings for the last person you texted? I wish I had romantic feelings for Sydney but as she puts it we are tragically heterosexual. 

Have you ever thought about what you might call your children? Or, if you already have children, what are their names? Sometimes, yes. 

When did you last speak to one of your siblings? What did you talk about? I saw Scott last weekend for a bit. We had a drunken confessional conversation at like 3am in our kitchen until my Dad made us go to sleep. And then the next morning we just had lols until he and Rie went out for a hike. 

How many times have you had your heart broken? Just one. 

Where is the person you would most like to see, or most like to be with? At his house, probably sleeping. 

Think of the person you fell hardest for. How many people has he/she been in love with, besides you? I don’t know. I’d like to say nobody else but I don’t know if that’s true. 

Find 5 people on your Facebook friends list, whose name begins with K. Who are these people, and how did you meet them? Kerri M: I work with her at Famoso!  Kelly G: She is a friend of Ali’s who Ali and Geoff met when traveling in Peru. She came to visit Ali this summer for a bit and Ali introduced us because we went to Stampede together to see July Talk. She’s wild.  Khalid A: He is a friend of my ex’s.  Kelsey R: She is a former track teammate of mine from back in the day and also works at the place I now volunteer.  Kennedy R: She is my ex’s younger sister’s friend and used to a date a girl that I work with. 

Who did you last say “I love you” to? Did that person say it back? LOL. Sydney. And yes. She did. 

What do your last 5 Facebook messages say and who are they from? Oh god. My most recent is from Jess (my manager) because I forgot to put my tip outs in the appropriate bags tonight and was just fixing that up, and then it’s...  Girl’s group chat planning our upcoming getaway to Banff.  Work group chat switching shifts.  The friend of the dude I creepily added on Facebook after meeting him on the train trying to get in there and failing.  And Lauren sent me a lovely message on BellLetsTalk day!!!!! <3 

#personal #surveys