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Casino Royale (1967)

As a second special bonus post, today Drew is watching and recapping 1967’s Casino Royale, the first non-canonical James Bond film. The original James Bond is called out of retirement in order to foil the evil machinations of SMERSH, but to do that he has to put together a crack team of James Bonds. Can the true 007 come out of this one unscathed? How many James Bonds can fit into one movie? And can this movie’s plot possibly be more confusing?

Keep reading to find out…

Screenplay by Wolf Mankowitz, John Law & Michael Sayers, film directed by Ken Hughes, John Huston, Joseph McGrath, Robert Parrish, Val Guest & Richard Talmadge

James Bond is chilling with his dick out at a public urinal in France when he’s approached by Lieutenant Mathis (Duncan Macrae), who shows off his ‘credentials’ at the urinal. The two head off, presumably to beat each other off in the bushes, and we head to an opening credit sequence that feels like something out of Monty Python.

Following this we jump to a caravan of cars making their way through the English countryside. A group of men, including M (John Huston) carpool down a road lined with twelve zoos-worth of lions. They eventually arrive at the home of Sir James Bond (David Niven). Wait, this guy is James Bond? Who was that guy with his dick out earlier? I’m confused already! The men with M are representatives of various intelligence organizations, and we learn that this James Bond is the true, original James Bond, while MI6 gave his name and number – 007 – to a younger, hyper-sexualized killing machine when he left the spy game 20 years ago. Bond isn’t interested in the world of espionage anymore, and only wants to focus on his garden (and presumably his harem of pet lions). M explains that things have gotten very, very bad lately and he’s lost numerous agents, including, maybe Bond’s hypersexual successor. The other intelligence heads report similar losses, which is why they’re willing to overlook their differences and come together to stop this menace to their organizations.

M begs Bond to return to the field, even producing a letter from the Queen asking him to return to action, but Bond refuses. So M has a bunch of soldiers blow up Bond’s house, presumably with his old butler still inside. Looks like Bond is back in action, baby! SMERSH finds out Bond is back in the game and resolves to destroy the aged spy. Oh, by the way, M straight up died in that mortar attack on Bond estate. Yeah, you heard me, M is dead as a doornail. Bond delivers his former boss’ remains to his widow, but it turns out that SMERSH has replaced M’s widow with one of its agents, Agent Mimi (Deborah Kerr). We get an absolute cavalcade of Scottish jokes as the McTarry clan prepares to mourn M.

Bond retires to his suite and two SMERSH agents posing as M’s daughters begin the difficult task of seducing him. Unlike his replacement, who can’t keep his pants on to save his life, the original Bond is famously chaste and SMERSH thinks the best way to destroy him is to break his pure image. Bond is bathed by one of M’s fake daughters, who makes a gross point to mention that she’s 17. Later, at the bacchanalia which passes for a funeral celebration all of the SMERSH agents get so shitfaced that they can’t seduce Bond, so he just goes to bed after they all pass out. Agent Mimi quickly recovers, though, and makes her way into Bond’s bedroom and demands he comfort her in her grief. This is an affront to Mimi’s fake Scottish honor, so she says Bond will have to face off against a gaggle of Scotsmen in a game involving carrying very large stones.

Bond succeeds, mainly because all of the Scotsmen injure themselves trying to lift the stones, and Mimi is so turned on by his prowess that she drops her Scottish act and genuinely falls in love with Sir James. The bevy of beauties posing as her fake Scottish daughters are not happy about their fake mother deviating from their mission and lock her in her room while they and James go out to shoot birds the next day. Agent Mimi’s love won’t be denied, though, and she eventually manages to sneak out of her room while her fake daughters launch explosive ducks toward Bond. The ducks are attracted to a magnetic button that had been covertly sewn into Bond’s pants, and Bond and Mimi take turns throwing it back and forth with the fake McTarry girls. Bond eventually succeeds in blowing up the van the McTarrys arrived in, and Mimi, after sharing a kiss with Bond, goes off to join a convent.

Bond finally escapes Scotland, only to be led into a highspeed chase with another SMERSH agent. That’s right, this isn’t even a canonical Bond film but by golly we’re still going to sit through a chase scene. Bond eventually gets the better of the SMERSH agent and she’s killed by the explosive truck that was meant to kill him. Bond arrives at MI6 and gives a big old smooch to Miss Moneypenny (Barbara Bouchet), who explains to him that she’s the daughter of the original Miss Moneypenny. The new head of MI6 lets Bond know about the sheer number of spies who have been killed lately, though he points out that the hypersexual, murderous agent who replaced Bond as 007 is no longer in the field and is now working in television. MI6 has, however, lost track of Bond’s nephew, Jimmy Bond (played by avid statutory rapist and all around piece of shit Woody Allen). Aware of SMERSH’s preference for female spies, Bond says they need to find an agent who can withstand feminine whiles. Moneypenny is forced to make out with a bunch of dudes because that’s all she is to these people, and finally settles on Coop (Terence Cooper). Bond says that he’s going to put together an elite squad of agents and call them all James Bond to confuse SMERSH, so Coop is now James Bond. Bond is put through rigorous anti-horniness training that involves body slamming beautiful women who try to seduce him. One of the women is known only as The Detainer (Dalilah Lavi), who’s so impressive that she’s brought into the James Bond squad and is now James Bond also.

Bond next seeks out Vesper Lynd (Ursula Andress, whom you might remember as Honey Ryder from a little flick called Dr. No), a retired spy who was presumed to have been eaten by sharks. Lynd isn’t interested in taking a mission, but it turns out she’s in trouble for tax problems and Bond is willing to make those issues go away if she helps him. That’s right, Vesper Lynd is now also James Bond. Bond goes to meet with Evelyn Tremble (Peter Sellers), a master of baccarat (wait a second, could we actually be getting close to the plot?) and gets him hot under the collar with her feminine charm. Tremble joins Bond in her decadent home and the two bang while Bond makes sure Tremble really is unbeatable at baccarat. Bond has Tremble put on a series of costumes, including an honest to god Hitler costume which prompts Tremble to do a Nazi salute, and eventually Bond asks Tremble if he’s heard of a baccarat player named Le Chiffre (Orson Welles). Bond tells Tremble she wants Tremble to go head to head against Le Chiffre; she’ll put up the money if he’ll play and then they’ll split the profits. Tremble’s quickly convinced, but there’s a problem: Le Chiffre will never agree to play against him, because he’s read Tremble’s book and will recognize his name. Not a problem, says Bond, as she’s got a new name for him: James Bond.

Bond arrives James Bond 007 training and is greeted by Q (Geoffrey Bayldon) and his gay-for-laughs assistant (John Wells). Bond is given a two-way television/radio wristwatch and a super gadget suit. Meanwhile, Bond gets a lead and finds out SMERSH has a cover organization called International Mothers’ Help which pairs nannies and au pairs with wealthy families. Bond decides to send his daughter, Mata Bond (Joanna Pettet), the result of his union with his one true love, Mata Hari, under cover. Mata isn’t a spy, but Bond thinks she has potential. Bond heads to some vaguely Asian country and watches his daughter put on a dance so rich in cultural appropriation that an unborn Scarlett Johansson is already green with envy.

Despite being estranged for pretty much all of Mata’s life, the two are happily reunited and Mata admits that she’d totally bang Bond if he weren’t her dad. Mata’s totally down to be a spy like her late mother and is instantly on board with infiltrating International Mothers’ Help. That’s right, Bond’s little girl is in the game and she herself is now James Bond. The SMERSH agent running MHH loves the idea of Bond joining their ranks and she’s instantly accepted and told about an upcoming visit by Le Chiffre. We find out that Le Chiffre is a compulsive gambler and has been using SMERSH funds to fund his habit, and if he doesn’t come up with some dough to make up for his losses he’s going to be liquidated. He plans on selling off his fancy art collection to raise the dough, but Bond quickly realizes that the art collection is actually comprises of compromising photos of important world leaders that various intelligence agencies want to buy to use for blackmail. Bond is told she can’t let Le Chiffre raise the money he needs through the sale of his collection, so she quickly snatches them and makes a break for it. She dispatches legions of agents in the goofiest ways possible and eventually escapes with a cabdriver who actually works for MI6.

Le Chiffre is informed of the failed auction, and resolves to raise the money through gambling. He was probably planning on gambling soon anyway, so what the hell. Bond heads off for his game with Le Chiffre, but Bond wonders if he might be a double agent. He contacts Bond to ask her, but she assures him that Bond is having enough trouble being a single agent. In France, Bond is seduced by a SMERSH agent named Miss Goodthighs (Jacqueline Bisset), who drugs him and sends him off on a colorful hallucination until he’s shaken awake by Bond with barely enough time to make his game with Le Chiffre. At the titular Casino Royale, Le Chiffre is on a winning streak and also putting on a magic show for his fellow players. Bond escorts Bond to Casino Royale and Bond quickly deduces that Le Chiffre is cheating by using infrared sunglasses which allow him to see every card on the table. Bond tells Bond she’ll take care of Le Chiffre’s cheat-glasses and tells him to just focus on baccarat. Bond manages to snatch Le Chiffre’s glasses while he’s not looking, and Le Chiffre delights Bond with another magic show.

With the preamble out of the way the game gets underfoot. Le Chiffre has the upper hand for a while, but then Bond raises the stakes and quickly wipes the floor with Le Chiffre. Bond is kidnapped by two men, so Bond steals a racecar and gives chase. Suddenly Bond wakes up in Le Chiffre’s clutches and Le Chiffre begins to psychologically torture Bond in an attempt to make Bond give up the check for his casino winnings. Bond rescues Bond from his hallucinatory nightmare, only to turn around and kill him herself. SMERSH agents arrive and execute Le Chiffre.

Meanwhile, Bond wants Bond to let her into MI6 so she can see her father at work, but he refuses and sends her on her way. She wanders around, only to be kidnapped by a man on a horse and taken aboard a SMERSH flying saucer. Bond is instantly aware of his daughter’s kidnapping, and while trying to make plans for her rescue he’s interrupted by the arrival of a nun seeking donations. Turns out it’s actually Agent Mimi, who passes Bond a note telling him Bond has been taken to Casino Royale. Bond and Moneypenny head to the casino and are immediately ambushed by SMERSH agents. They’re taken deep underground to the lair of Dr. Noah (get it? like Dr. No? get it?), the head of SMERSH.

Dr. Noah taunts Bond and Moneypenny as they flee through his lair, and soon they’re brought face-to-face with a robotic James Bond double that Dr. Noah is planning to use to take over the world. It’s soon revealed that Dr. Noah is, in fact, Jimmy Bond, James Bond’s awful nephew. Jimmy reveals that his plan is to release a biological weapon that will kill all men taller than himself and make all women beautiful. Fun. Bond and Moneypenny are taken away by SMERSH agents and Jimmy goes to taunt Bond (whom we haven’t seen since she and Bond were wrestling way back at the start of the movie), who’s been captured, stripped and bound to a table. Bond taunts Jimmy for being such a grotesque little goblin of a man, and we have to watch him dance around and make an ass of himself while trying to impress Bond. He shows off a pill disguised as an aspirin but is actually a million little bombs.

Bond tells Jimmy she’ll be his co-ruler of the world so he’ll untie her, but she grabs the bomb pills while he’s not looking. Meanwhile, Bond, Bond, Bond and Moneypenny make preparations to escape. Jimmy shows off his room of robot doubles and we find out every world ruler is actually under his control. Bond slips the bomb pill into Jimmy’s drink and he begins to explode as she flees. Bond, Bond, Bond and Moneypenny escape and avoid being shot by SMERSH agents long enough to reunite with Bond. The four Bonds and a Moneypenny head for the surface and emerge into Casino Royale. Bond prepares to call for help, but he’s confronted by the treacherous Bond, who reveals she went through a lot of trouble to get him here so she could kill him.

The American cavalry arrive on horseback to do battle with the SMERSH agents, and an absolutely bonkers fight breaks out. The bombs inside of Jimmy finally go off and Casino Royale explodes, killing everyone inside. All of the Bonds and Moneypenny are seen in Heaven, while Jimmy is sent down to roast in hell where he belongs.

The End

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Jeez louise, I need a nap after all of that. To be fair, there were actually a lot of genuinely funny jokes in this movie and I laughed out loud several times while watching it, but man alive was it ever goofy. The plot was maybe one of the most convoluted I’ve ever seen, and I have no idea why Coop or The Detainer needed to be in the movie at all. Everyone involved seemed to be giving it there all and I can tell this movie was a lot of fun to watch, but it’s so long that it really was exhausting to get through. Toward the end it got so incoherent and chaotic that I honestly wasn’t sure what was going on at times, and I had to consult the movie’s Wikipedia page more than once to keep track of what was happening. I don’t know that this movie fully succeeded as a Bond parody, or even as a coherent comedy, but I’m still glad to have checked it out and it’s got me very excited to check out the canonical Casino Royale next!

#james bond #007 #one of us

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