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#ONLY 19 AND YOU HAVE ALREADY KILLED ME
the-smile-of-a-veil · 2 months ago
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It's time to submit for the first time in my life a story for a writing competition and I can't wait to get my rejection! 🥰
#rejection means i arrived at the life of a writer!#woop woop#but I'm not mad because I'm 19 and I'm way to young to be a good writer soooooooo#but yeah I'm so nervous because i wrote the story for this competition in October and didn't reread it for 4 months#and as i started to read it again it had so many plot holes OMG.#and I spend a lot time in the last days to fix them and i just realize that no amount of time will ever fix all the plot holes#I'm literally sooo scared of plot holes and I don't know if the readers sees them but maybe they don't and just me as the writer does#literally I'm not a Crime Author I'm not#it's simply not my genre the writing is hart you see new issues every time you read it#you see new ways to solve the crime you see plot holes in the murderer itself it's insane#and as i said: i as a author sees them but I don't know if the reader sees it as well#urggghhh#but I'm very happy about the way i characterized and the language that i used#we have just ignore the the bad historic and criminal knowledge and that i just lied all the time#because i didn't want to do research because it would kill my creativity#but yeahhhh I'm nervous to send it and i know it dosen't matter if i reread it again because nothing will really change except me finding#more plot holes and getting insecure#the only way to find out if it's good its by send it but I'm scarrreedddd#i have nearly 2 weeks left but i don't want to wait till the last day i actually wanted to send it already in December but... life you know#ok i will reread it ONE LAST TIME than i will hit that send button#like all i can get is rejected right? and it's not bad be i literally win a fully written and finished story that is my own#if the story will accepted i will lose my right to own the story so.....#but if i will accepted my story will be published in a book AND THAT WOULD BE INSANE.#jule speaks
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bloominstorm · 8 months ago
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The culling games is really starting…I’m nervous ..
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#jjk always has me on the edge of my seat I don’t like this lol#I’m glad they got hakari & kirara successfully on their side but I just hope they won’t die Bc I’m already enjoying their characters#pandas reveal of yaga’s death was…. weird like why say it so casually#it was sweet tht yuuji was so concerned about how he was doing tho he’s a gem 😭#anyway megumi flexing tht he’s the head of the zenin clan only to have maki destroy it not even a day later took me out LMFAOOOOOOOOOO#I wonder when they’re gonna meet back up with maki it’s been days so I wonder if the next chapter will be them in the actual colonies#I also wonder who else from the school is gonna participate in the game Bc I think one of the rules say if a cursed technique is activated#they have 19 days to participate or their technique will be removed#I’m not sure if tht was just for the ppl kenjaku revived tho#the part where tht new character kashimo made it clear they were after sukuna put me on edge Bc like why already does yuuji have to deal#with this? 😭 but something tht stuck out to me was tht Yuuji is already considered a player even tho he didn’t enter a colony yet#kenjaku explained tht he made a pact with the ppl he revived & made consume cursed objects years ago#so he made a vow with sukuna.. what stood out to me was megumi pointing out tht yuuji ate it of his free will without knowing the pact#this made me remember tht theory I saw about kenjaku infiltrating the body of yuujis mother to spawn yuuji for the purpose of having a#strong vessel to house sukuna what threw me off about tht theory is why go specifically to yuujis dad? was he special or something?#but the theory made me think Bc it could now be said tht it’s being hinted at tht yuuji mightve not ate the finger at free will but was#called to do it in some way .. idk could be a reach but it’s interesting to note since we have no idea what kenjaku is planning with yuuji#megumis potential rules make no sense to me tho..? how do they think they’re gonna get 100 points without killing ppl? thts the only way you#gain points.. it’s literally one of the rules.#the only feasible rule he has is the one about exchanging points with other players but having them pay points to leave?#yeah no. The idea tht they think they can beat up the players with over 100 points & force them to make rules is just…wistful thinking#even if they have no motivation to add new points they still are participating & killing easily Bc they most likely wanna leave in the end#by winning.. also the way he thinks tht kenjaku would allow the players he revived to swap out with a non player tht messes with the#integrity of the game??? so idk about tht but I’m looking forward to what happens I just hope they have a chance I know yuta & hakari do b#but I’m not sure about megumi yuuji & panda .. I only say tht about yuuji Bc he’s disadvantaged by having no set technique#we’ll see tho#jjk 158#jjk manga spoilers#jujutsu kaisen manga#also I meant to say ‘wishful thinking’ not wistful 😭
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elventhespian · 6 months ago
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Time for me to once again barf some more nonsense all over your dashes about why I love Pirates of the Caribbean even though it's not cool anymore:
So one of the things the first three PotC movies were especially good at was drip-feeding information about the characters in ways that were both valuable and concise, and building on the characters in ways that were largely consistent and sensible. (I said LARGELY)
Like there's the masterful way Jack's intro to the movies with the sinking boat told us everything about how Jack is simultaneously the Worst and Best at what he does at the same time--how he keeps trying to capitalize on bad situations, even if it actually digs him deeper for a while; or the way the history with Barbossa, Jack, Bootstrap and the Pearl gets unraveled, and how it connects to the protagonists' current conflicts etc.
But one of my favorite things the little things they do to lay the groundwork for (surprise lol) Will's character. People have talked a lot about the way his first CotBP scene with him as a 19-year-old tells you in a matter of seconds:
Will's become a blacksmith apprentice
He's an excellent smith in his own right and takes pride in his work
He's smitten with Elizabeth
The society he's in doesn't grant him respect or recognition for his labor
The society he's in doesn't "approve" of his love for Elizabeth, so he keeps it secret
He currently tolerates these dumb rules of society, even if they're at his expense
All of it is setting up for payoffs later in the story, and all of it done without explicit dialogue, in about 60 seconds. The words "blacksmith," "love," "proud" etc. aren't even mentioned in the scene at all. Instead we're told all of this information with blocking, facial expressions, tones of voice, shifts in mood and allusions. Will delivering the order and Swann's mentioning of his master allows us to infer what Will is. His ability and pride in his work is communicated through the flourish, enthusiasm and knowledge with which he presents the sword to Swann. That combines with Swann treating him as just the errand boy and Will's responding pained smile to nail points 1, 4 & 5 all at the same time...
Which is great and cool! But what I especially love is that that style of storytelling doesn't suddenly stop after each characters' introductory scene--you keep learning about them as the movie progresses. So when you get to his second scene, with that amazing swordfight in the forge, the swordfight isn't just an entertaining stint of action, it tells us more about both Jack and Will at the same time, through both their words and actions.
For example, we learn over the course of this scene that Will didn't just go above and beyond on Norrington's dress sword--he essentially runs the forge alone. Again, this is never explicitly stated in the movie, but instead it's presented in ways we infer: the way Will keeps the smithy in tight order, the apparently-advanced state of Brown's alcoholism and how Will works with it, or the way there's a donkey running the bellows--a detail that both gives us a rocking set piece for the swordfight AND also explains how Will can tend the forge and maintain its temperature by himself.
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Or for another example: we learn the guy who appeared polite and sweet in that first scene is actually hella repressed and get our first glimpse at how he's kind of batshit crazy. And not only does this fight scene use Will's lusts/desires as a set up for his character arc, but it's beginning a pay off already by this point. How do I mean that? Well, obviously there's the way this scene is building on the prior scene to show that, no, Will is actually NOT cool with where society is keeping him, but he asserts that part of his sword obsession comes from the desire to be able to kill a pirate on sight, which ... WTF, dude? Where did that even come from? Why?
Two reasons, which both were alluded to earlier in the movie for us:
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The first is pretty obvious: Will's gung-ho about killing pirates because, as far as he's concerned, they were gung-ho about killing him as a child and trauma therapy didn't really exist in the early 18th century, especially not for the lower classes. The second is a bit more of a reach, but is backed up by commentary from cast and crew: Will's gung-ho about killing pirates, because Norrington is.
PotC is fundamentally the story of Elizabeth Swann and her relationship with her place in society, which means Will's own coming-of-age journey is largely centered in what he can and cannot offer Elizabeth--as a romantic interest, yeah, but also just as a deuteragonist as well. The thing about Will--at least in CotBP--is that his loudest desire is to love Elizabeth, but the other desire that gets overlooked a lot in his character is his craving for recognition. What Will wants, just for himself, is to be Noticed. And because of this, early set up for his character is not only establishing who is, but who he isn't and who he wants to be by using Norrington and Jack as contrasts and benchmarks. This is why they go out of their way to emphasize along the way how young and out-of-place Will constantly is. The giving Mr. Brown credit for everything worthwhile he does, "You are not a military man, you are not a sailor" chastisements, the "whelp" nicknames. Will's a boy, he's poor, he's indentured, he's stupid, he's complacent, he's rash... he's just not Good Enough for her by any measurement.
So in a way, Norrington as a character is a stand-in for the expectations of society for both Elizabeth and Will. Establishing Elizabeth's father's enthusiasm for an engagement with Norrington, establishing him as a rising star in the Navy, not only establishes how Elizabeth is dissatisfied with her life and its trajectory (even if it's not Bad, per se), but also establishes what kind of man Will believes he needs to be to better fit in Elizabeth's world--in the eyes of society, anyway. So a lot of Will's early public image of himself is modeled after who society says a man should be--a man like Norrington. And Norrington is a pirate killer.
So not only is Will's conflict with society underlined and illustrated in his relationship with Norrington, but his main conflict with Elizabeth and what's keeping him away from her is established: he's trying to be like Norrington, the man representative of polite society and thereby representative of who/what Elizabeth does not want--so unwittingly by trying to make himself more suitable, by being something he's not, he's making himself LESS suitable for her--which is implied in their "how many times do I have to ask," "at least once more, Miss Swann" exchange.
And like all of this dense information is packed into the movie about this character in the space of three scenes, all before the major conflict of the movie's first act has even really kicked off. I haven't even touched on yet how this all not only sensibly informs the character and his arc on the back half of the movie, but the payoffs that build on all this in the rest of the trilogy. I'd go on but this is already super long and just...
I freakin' love these first few movies and the lead characters. They're so good.
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toryule · 2 months ago
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drag me to hell (19+) - part one
Pairing: Uzui Tengen x F!Reader
Summary: Centuries ago, the Demon Slayer Corps fell victim to another betrayal. A Hashira turned Upper Moon. The failures of the Corps weighed heavily on them for centuries.
That is until Y/N sprung into existence, becoming the most renowned demon slayer the Corps have seen in the last 400 years. The demons begrudgingly go back into hiding. But intimidation and respect can only go so far.
When an Upper Moon known as Uzui Tengen slithers his way through this barrier of intimidation that keeps her secure, a confrontation is forced upon them.
WC: 17k lol
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a/n: just pure filth ngl… i suddenly decided to write this bc i wanted to avoid studying and it was fun ig, im not even kidding i wrote half of this in one night i was losing it. don’t bother about plot holes :0 i had no idea what i was doing ok. tengen is an upper moon and y/n is basically just yoriichi 2.0 (barely, yoriichi wouldn’t do this - i would tho). enjoy!
tags: EXPLICIT CONTENT, DUB CON, bondage, oral (f+m), multiple orgasms, overstimulation, some weird positions, power play, tengen being annoying, mentions of violence ig
minors/ageless blogs dni
part one / … / …
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The storm is even louder tonight. Winds bellowing through rustling trees, crying out as the earth reminds the inhabitants of their mortality. It’s no warmer inside, the candles barely staying alight against the waft that seeps through the cracks in the walls. The slayers make do. They’ve seen and experienced worse—cold weather shouldn’t bother them for the night. There were a few grievances from the demon slayers because the mere comfort of their blankets could not cure their tremors. Callous hands and curled toes. It’s a still night. Storm before the calm. At least for the residents that sleep soundlessly through the earthly shrieks, expecting nothing but the smell of damp grass and rogue firewood when they wake up. A poetic start to a peculiar night.
For you, it would be a different night. The calm and Uzui Tengen.
You were bothered, but you would never share your complaints with anyone. A smile or a frown—the gift of making your sentiments known, it was unbeknownst to the public eye. For anyone to decipher what you were thinking or feeling, it was impossible to achieve. The reason for that derives from a very long story (for another day) as you and the rest of the demon slayers both know that you wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the tragic reminder that demons exist. That tragic reminder sets your heart aflame, your blood coursing vehemently through your veins and your vision to lose sight to a serene life. For if it weren’t for that tragic reminder, you wouldn’t be here. You’d live a completely different life. Alas, there is no point in dwelling on the past—you were far removed from that story, but it’s your catalyst and that vengeance is your fire. That is the fate of the demon slayers. A tragic duty to those alive, and to those that have passed.
Though, there is something that sets you apart from the other slayers. You were burdened with tremendous power. Not once did your knees quiver at the sight of a demon. You’ve never loosened the grip of your sword. Above all, you’ve never hesitated to kill. When it comes to your duty, you reign superior and with that, comes the respect and loyalty from your fellow Hashira and lower-ranked swordsmen. Hell—you’ve felt the respect exude from the putrid ashes of fallen demons. Woefully, it’s a heavy burden; to have everyone believe that you can lead them to victory—to the end of an ancient battle.
With this acknowledgement, and the slumber of the upper rank demons, your way to Muzan felt much further. Though, there was always a vague sensation in your stomach telling you differently. It’s also partially because in the last two years, two Hashiras have already passed—encountering two upper moons on separate occasions. Sly creatures. Making it their sole mission to avoid you, weakening the group before they target the head. Your comrades become victims to a chasing game between you and the Upper Ranks.
Instead, every waking breath of yours is used on defeating demons that can barely stand on their own two feet. If this continues, it will inevitably become a slow loss to a perpetual battle.
It’s far into midnight, inside a desolate mansion where Hashira and fighters’ alike rest. You’re still awake, putting the candles out on your dressing table. The sealed window weakens against the storm, while your thin nightgown makes a poor attempt at shielding you from the cold, but you persevere for now. Another cold night is just a lesser punishment for your failures. Your illusions tell you that the earth is crying at you—a pitiful cry.
A pity that you can’t end this fight.
A pity that the demons continue to terrorise the earth’s inhabitants.
A pity for the troubled human who is burdened by her own plight.
You sit at the end of your satin covered bed, holding out the last candle before you languidly blow it out, as your ears tune into nothing but the distant creaks of the floorboard outside and the wailing forest. The rain ceased a few hours ago and the grass began drying up. The moon coats your skin when clouds sedately pass, like an oil painting in motion and it’s a therapeutic showing. Particularly for the demon that sits on the smooth rooftop, watching you deep in thought.
Suppose this is where the real storm begins.
The crows, supposedly resting, prepare to fly upwards and there’s an announcement that is cut short. Kunai fly, in a swift swoop, to purge the skies of the crows and he’s almost successful. Your sharp senses are enough to understand that a single noise from the crows was a cause for concern—also you are the only one awake right now. Your brows furrow in bewilderment, and your eyes leisurely follow the drifting shadow that recurrently appears across your carpet, and it stills on the figure crouching on the rooftop across the courtyard. He’s vaguely covered by the large blossom tree that greets your eyes when you wake up—every now and then, while you try to pinpoint who the figure might be, a little more of him becomes more apparent and you draw your conclusion. There is no fear in your eyes, no elation nor is there a hint of annoyance on your face, but rather you stare with a blank expression, waiting for his next move.
Uzui Tengen to say the least, is confused but wildly interested in the reaction his presence bore out of you.
Upper Moon Two. Uzui Tengen. The second best of them all. It’s a heavy title to accept, for someone as flashy and proud as him. He’s a king among peasants. A star on an ongoing stage. He’ll snatch that number one position from Kokushibo before Muzan even blinks. And he knows exactly how he’s going to achieve that. He watches another star before him. He grimaces at the fact. Two stars coexisting… (he doesn’t acknowledge Kokushibo). It's a treacherous fate for someone like him. His ego does not stretch that far to admit that you were the most talented Hashira he had seen in the last 500 years. He hasn’t had the luxury of experiencing a fight with you yet, as Muzan’s fear (fairly concealed by his prioritisation of finding the blue spider lily) of your skill is keeping Tengen from doing that.
Instead, he watches.
He watches as pathetic demons attempt to crawl away from a fight they so proudly instigated. He watches as you take your stance calmly, breathe the air slowly and begin your dance. The sword acts as an extended arm. Your body moves like a dragon. Fiery and spirited. But he senses no malicious intent behind your actions, as if you despise the very act of slaying. If he wasn’t such a proud demon, he would appreciate your dislike for killing demons. But it’s pathetic. Humans and demons alike, should never collaborate and should never share sympathy.
It’s a rivalry that will never die (unless Muzan finally conquers the sun then humans will never stand a chance). Though, his confidence in Muzan is as thin as his patience. That’s why he sits on their rooftop—that’s why he awaits a confrontation.
There is also respect. At least from Tengen’s side. A respect for the human body. While it is just a vase waiting to be tipped over, shattered into pieces, the soul preserves and it fights. It’s almost laughable how these humans have convinced themselves that their mortality is their strength. A beautiful weapon to wield, to let them know that mortality can only be reminded when Tengen is laying his dual swords through their head. Ironically, he is a demon who uses techniques.
Such a human trait, he scoffs. He shares that quality with Upper Moon One. But his technique is much more flamboyant. He likes to make a show of it. He doesn’t recall his life before becoming a demon, but anyone could understand that he was a former Hashira—the breathing technique and the uniform—all remnants of his past that he decided to carry into his new future. Without an ounce of regret. For the Hashiras, it felt like they were spat on. For two Hashiras to fall under Muzan is a mark of death for all of them.
He was waiting for the right moment to strike. A moment of vulnerability. She’s never vulnerable, he mutters to himself. He’s probably right about that. Then the sleeping crows awoke, not essentially ruining his plan but only hindering it. He would fight you regardless. The other Hashiras are just mere obstacles to the end goal that is you. Luckily, they would sleep while their only hope falls from grace. He watches as you attempt to adjust your fatigue, hiding away from the window to undress and put on your uniform and it elicits a chuckle from Tengen.
You grab your sword and walk out of your bedroom. He hopes that it won't be the only time he catches you panicking, so he’s determined to garner that reaction from you again somehow. His mere presence made you restless in some way—your fighting abilities would be hindered by the sleep you lost tonight. It satisfied him. It must’ve been a long day, Tengen assumes. The beauty of being a demon—he never gets tired.
You charge through the forsaken hallways, dispensing the lower moons that enthusiastically decided to accompany Upper Moon Two. You’re livid. You haven’t slept and now you’re failing to detect demons. You should’ve been able to sense him. For the past few weeks, your senses have been completely off. Perhaps you were getting lazy, or you had encountered too many weak demons that it numbed your senses. Either way, it was failing you now when you needed it the most. Who knows what could’ve happened? Your peers could’ve been slaughtered in their sleep.
It’s bewildering—the fact that Upper Moon Two had suddenly decided to show up at your front door. It angered you. After years of slumber, they decided to show up. Your question lies with the fact that only one did. You wonder why, but the ground is damp from the storm that ensued a few hours ago and you’re trudging through an unkind courtyard. You make it to where you found the Upper Moon and you’re greeted by the blossom tree that accompanies the garden. Though, the demon is no longer on the rooftop.
The moment is still, and you know you should keep moving, but the tree overwhelms you with memories of your former comrades. You wonder if he was responsible. Your heart churns at the thought, but your fingers grip your sword even harder. The residents, those that cannot fight rest in the village and the Hashiras respite in their beds, and some are away on a mission.
It’s fine—as long you’re here, they’ll persevere. They always do when you’re around. Though there's a peculiar smell that fills your senses and another strike of failure strikes your heart, weakening your morale. When you fail, everyone fails. That’s the fact you must accept. That moment of silence that encases the area around you falls short to the footsteps of a mysterious figure, but you know exactly who it is.
Tengen prepares his stance. Is it pathetic? To target a mere human while she’s distracted, knowing what she can do? A fair fight would surely make your death more dignified, and his victory more certain. But all he needs is the end of your existence to be number one. That’s all. He doesn’t need to receive cuts or share meaningful curses to win a fight—for the end of your existence, means another loss for the demon slayers. A major one.
But Tengen knows you’re prepared, you always are. He admires your stature. It’s delicate. As if you simply undressed all that ferocity and intimidation that you carry throughout the day. If he were to be convinced that you are the most formidable demon slayer to date, from this position alone, he would laugh.
But all he can do for now is stare. It’s one slash. He doesn’t have to do much to create a lifetime of misery for the Demon Slayer Corps. Maybe you don’t deserve a dignified death. You have embarrassed the notorious Upper Moons, convincing the Corps that they’re in hiding because of you. You don’t deserve respect. But the demon that he is, as flamboyant and extravagant as he is… he should relish in this opportunity. He knows just how to do that.
Hastily he makes a move, the earth growls in response to his attack, but you’re out of sight before he could strike a hit. The distance between you doesn’t widen—standing much closer to the tree behind you. He doesn’t use one of his techniques to begin with—he’d end up waking up the entire mansion. It would be too much of a nuisance to deal with them all. Knowing you would be able to handle him alone would mean he’d have to do his best to keep you quiet. How humiliating. It was confirmed though—you would be able to keep up with him. Your skill is boundless.
Tengen turns to face you, a calmed figure that stands before him. There’s no animosity, and your sword is still in place in your sheath. Whereas you look into his eyes to find pure rancour and you know his intention. It’s obvious. You no longer struggle against the restraints of his stare, nor do you spout curses at him. You do something that ignites a special kind of hatred in Tengen, an act that would send him plundering through villages out of spite.
It’s short and sweet. A breathless laugh.
It earns a scowl from Tengen, who grips his swords even tighter. “Oh. It seems I already hit a nerve.”
You tilt your head, pretending that you’re unaware of what you’ve done. To be the one fuelling the demon’s anger so easily, while you are the one who is bound by his desire to kill. That’s the irony of it all. A human constantly reminded of their mortality laughs upon the one who wields immortality like a belt. You let him tower over you, with a tight grip over your life, and laugh. You always seem to get the last laugh. Demons are made to be unique, multifaceted like humans, but they all share one common trait that makes them a monolith: they’re bloodthirsty. No matter how flashy they might look, it always comes down to the death of innocent civilians and it’s mundanely morbid.
It all leads to Muzan. So why should you shiver at the sight of a demon? You’re the sole reason they’re in hiding—you have their dignity wrapped like a gift, and it sits under your sword. Hell, you’re being targeted by Upper Moon Two. Surely, there could’ve been a build-up?
You have never seen the Upper Moons in person and you sure as hell did not expect them to look like this. If he were human, he would have anyone and everyone flocking to his side. You couldn’t deny that. He’s attractive. He’s also freakishly big. The width of his arms could easily cover your face. They were embellished by two gold rings. A headband laced with hefty jewels bejewelled his forehead, with gemstones in the form of a chain hanging from both sides of his face. A remarkable red symbol painted on his right eye, complementing the shade of his maroon eyes. It’s his uniform that catches your interest—not that it perfectly framed his figure but that it felt like a distant variation of the Demon Slayers Corps.
You’re attentive enough to draw a conclusion—before being a demon, he must’ve been closely related to the Corps, in one way or another. You did hear of another Hashira betraying the Corps centuries ago. He must’ve been him. He‘s repulsive. His appearance is not something that would cloud your judgement. Once you were done antagonising him—you would kill him. One less Upper Moon to deal with when you finally reach Muzan.
He conceals his bitterness with another smile. “Only humans would think such a thing,” he sighs. His eyes, luminously resembling a pool of blood, scan you with discontent. His voice felt as extravagant as his appearance. “I don’t mean to prod… but you Hashiras are starting to look a little dull. There’s no life in your uniform.” Like he cares, you think. He’s only mocking you, but you’ve been through enough overly zealous demons to not take it personal. They end up turning to ash by the end of the night.
The wind howls, causing your hair to fall across your solemn face. It briefly exposes your birthmark and he seethes at the sight of it. Moonlight illuminates the night sky and there’s hours ahead of you before the sun rises. There’s a pit in your stomach telling you that this night will drag out, no matter how confident you are in your duty. “I suppose jewels would help then?” A face so still, Tengen thinks but this stoic nature is a way of coping, and it’s just another pathetic way for humans to look strong.
His jewels dangle loosely as he jeers at you. “Of course! I can lend you a few if you’d like. I’ve acquired some of the finest diamonds that might just compliment your uniform—“ He halts his movement, and falters. “That is if you make it through the night.”
With such a poor attempt at attacking you, you can't believe that he still thinks he can take you. You believe that the horrid nature of humans’ manifests in the form of a demon and even if he was taking his last dying breath, he would still believe that he could win.
“Get to it, then,” you spit. “I don’t have the patience for idle conversations.”
“Why not?” Tengen’s brows furrow in ignorance. “Aren’t you the pinnacle of patience? You only have years ahead of you before old age takes you. Victims pile up every day. And you wait. Instead of pillaging through cities to find us, you merely wait. It’s a shame you weren’t prepared today. To be so disappointing despite being the best of them all.”
Prepared? You’re slightly perplexed at that but you focus on the fact that he was right about everything else. There’s a short silence after that and the wind howls louder. A silence that lets you breathe.
A part of you believes the demon is right, which makes your heavy burden worse. It’s so frustrating to feel all this responsibility, and not be able to pull through. To fight the Upper Moons yourself would require a different kind of courage that you simply do not have. You would have to be foolish to believe that you could take them all at the same time. The Hashiras would not be able to keep up with you. Both were true. You’re talented, but you’re not an idiot. You’re also tired. Tired of fighting, and quite frankly, tired of life itself. You’ll appreciate the small things in life, as much as you can, but as long as demons thrive, this life will burden you. For a demon to put you in your place like this—you’re enraged. You could scream.
“Oh… did I hit a nerve?” Tengen copies, “It’s okay. I still admire your skill.”
“What do you want?” You sigh.
Tengen sneers with thrill. “Isn’t it obvious?”
Suspicion rises in you. You feel a faint throb in your leg but dismiss it as you know how treacherous the ground can be when a storm passes. “Then why are you stalling?”
“You see, slayer, I would also consider myself a pinnacle of patience.”
There’s also a faded dangle. Like a mystical charm. You hear it twinkling behind his large figure, momentarily distracting you but the throb in your leg manifests into an excruciating jab. Your throat feels tighter, and your heartbeat quickens, mild sweat trickling down the side of your head while the feeling in your leg dimmers. You were losing feeling in your leg. You frantically look down to find a kunai pinching the back of your thigh and you curse at the fact that the effects have already reached your entire body. Your instincts were truly failing you.
Though, you’re also curious. A demon using kunai. You trace your thoughts back to the shinobu who had been eradicated centuries ago. How could he have obtained this? You look up at Tengen who relishes in your sudden shortcoming and before you could hurriedly perform your dance, he swings a rope at you. It completely tightens around you, connecting your arms to your waist and inhibiting you from making any other moves—your sword falls to the ground.
You were incapacitated. For the first time in your life, your sword has been torn from you. You stumble against a random branch, causing you to fall against the blossom tree. You’re too dizzy to even comprehend this failure. This is bad—really bad, you’re completely unable to move from these bounds and you can’t string a single thought together. You are completely at his mercy. In the span of a few minutes, he managed to debilitate you. This was your fault. You were warned countless times to never lower your guard around a demon, no matter how weak they may be. You simply overestimated your intelligence. Your first chief mistake against an Upper Moon.
Tengen stares idly at you. His eyes are almost glistening with sympathy. But it’s a faux attempt at breaking you down. To break you down and then take you out. That’s when he’ll be satisfied. He breaks another short silence. “It must be lonely.”
You grit your teeth, struggling to rid yourself from these bounds. “Seriously—“
He slowly walks towards your thwarted state, towering over you once he stands before you. “It must be lonely at the top right? I’m sure the slayers are not worried about minuscule things like love while they face death every day.” Tengen’s words are sympathetic, but beneath his words, is a malicious intent. “Have we demons robbed you of love?”
You don’t falter. You won’t give him the satisfaction. “I’m getting really tired of your voice.”
“When is the last time you’ve been embraced? The last time you held hands with someone?” He piles on you with experiences you’ve never experienced. Sure, as a kid, you held your mother’s hand. You’ve hugged a few people in your lifetime. The last time you had ever been truly embraced was when your family was still alive. But those memories are faint. A memory alone can’t carry your mother’s embrace with you.
Another burden of being faced with death everyday—is the absence of any kind of love. It’s a burden you’ll carry until you die. You don’t have time for any of that—not when this many people rely on you. When you were growing up, you merely admired the simplicity of life. You would meet the love of your life, have a few kids, and live quietly. But that’s not the life you were destined for. And now you want it more than ever. It’s easier to want when it’s so unreachable.
It is lonely.
But anyone could see how he was relishing in this moment, in your concealed pain. You wouldn’t tell him. Tengen stands tall above your frame, but boldly he rests his hands against the tree you use to find balance and leans forward to which you frown at. He’s too close to your liking, but his eyes are crimson red and it’s strangely captivating. “In fact, when’s the last time you’ve been touched, Y/N?” Tengen whispers against your ear, and now you want nothing but to headbutt him.
But instead, your heartbeat fastens, and thoughts are racing through your mind frantically, trying to think of a remark. Never, you think. His words are fuelling the fire inside of you, and you haven’t even properly drawn swords yet. It’s a mind battle. A fight he could win if it weren’t for your resilience. Or so you think. Tengen notices that you're fighting the urge to answer, and he moves back to balance himself on his hands—now you’re fighting with eye contact. You can clearly see Upper Moon Two written on his eye. It’s blinding. “You don’t need to be embarrassed; you can tell me.”
You avoid the question. You can’t tell if it’s poison or a different substance coursing through your veins, but it’s affecting the articulation of your thoughts. “You’re weak…” It comes out like a whisper, but he’s offended all the same. “A demon using kunai like this, it’s undignified.”
You’re still so close to each other. You feel as if he’s robbing all the oxygen you need by standing this close. You’ll die like this. “It’s not poison, love,” he chuckles. “But you slayers and your superiority complex. It’s a winner’s strategy. Otherwise, you’d still be swinging your sword at me.”
You wonder what’s inside of you right now. Breathlessly, you laugh, “Unbind me then.”
“Don’t worry, it’ll pass soon enough,” Tengen ignores you. “How many of your slayers are here right now?”
You still.
“All that talk of duty. They think so highly of you but don’t want to offer their help,” Tengen scoffs. To speak so lowly of your comrades makes you seethe with fury. He briefly thinks of the weak Hashiras he came across earlier. “Seems like the mansion is quiet. I feel like I deserve an audience, no?”
You shudder at the thought—he wouldn’t, would he? He would. He could destroy every single Hashira in this mansion, and all you would be able to do is watch before he ends you too. What a pathetic thought process—how could you let yourself be put in this situation? “And what about yours? Where are your friends?” You attempt to deter him from the idea.
“Seriously? They’d end up trying to take you down altogether,” Tengen grimaces at the thought. “You’re lucky I want you all to myself.” He hoists himself from the tree, trailing suavely towards the sword you dropped, picking it up to observe it. You scorn at the sight, for a demon to play with your sword while you watch—you wouldn’t be able to tell a single person about this. The humiliation is excruciating. An insincere smile greets his face, twirling your red sword between his fingers. “We shouldn’t get your sword dirty.”
“How sweet of you,” you say with fake courtesy. Tengen looks up to the mansion around you, and there’s a short silence before he speaks.
“I think we should make you comfortable, don’t you think? I can tell you’re starting to lose feeling in the other leg,” Tengen says before he hoists you over his shoulder with no sign of struggle. Being carried nonchalantly by an Upper Moon while you watch your sword swing in his hand, you were boiling with anger. Tengen walks through the mansion, elated by how easily the tables turned and when he finally finds an appropriate room to place you in, he grins. “Perfect.”
Oddly careful with his hands, he places you on the futon. Your head is still spinning from the effects of the kunai, but you don’t feel your heart slowing down or your limbs completely going numb. Instead, your senses have dimmed, and your body feels like it's on fire. Your body, still restricted by the bounds, keeps you perfectly still to his gratification. Once again, Tengen lets the situation sink in and smiles down at you succumbing to the fitted bounds.
Your reddened sword is gripped securely by his hand, and he points it towards your chin, forcing you to raise your head to look up at him. He tilts his head, with a conceited smirk, and trails downwards, pressing the edge of the blade against the arch of your neck and you heave heavily against his intense gaze. You don’t break away from his gaze, refusing to waver against the threat of your life being held in his hands. It’s a few moments before he lets out a ridiculous laugh, walking away to place your sword against the table, also relieving himself from the weight of his dual swords.
After removing his gloves, he turns back, crouching down to meet your eyes properly, and that faux sympathy meets his own again. You try to control your breathing because you’re filled with so much fury that it’s messing with the fluid inside of you.
“Relax, I don’t plan on killing you just yet,” he merely says, “I have big plans for you, slayer.”
The corner of your lips slightly rises, “I didn’t realise you harboured so much hate for me. I’ve only just met you.”
Tengen is clearly amused, emitting a laugh so loud that you tremble at the thought of it waking up the residents. “We’re natural enemies, Y/N. But hate? No, no—call it… curiosity. I had a lot of time to think since I heard of you,” he slaps his thighs as if this was a normal conversation, “I had to finally meet my match.”
Match? He gets a fortunate chance to deceive you—you’re hardly his match. You could kill him immediately, you’re certain of that. You’re still slightly lightheaded, and this conversation requires too much energy from you.
Tengen breaks the silence for you.
“Your breathing style can destroy regeneration… how?” Tengen asks. He’s genuinely curious. The last man capable of doing such a thing existed thousands of years ago. Sun breathing has plagued the demons, but luckily no one had come close to his talent after he passed. Until you, that is. Your use of the sun-breathing technique was effortless and it terrified Muzan. It was pathetic. If he thinks he can extract information from you for his own gain—he has another thing coming.
“I don’t know,” you whisper. It was partially true, as you had been sure of your talent since you first wielded a sword. You never put much thought into your skill and that’s what made you dangerous. Though, you trained for hours on end for most of your life. What came natural to you now, was an accumulation of years of concentration. Your head was clearing up, but the rope was getting tighter. Tengen remains crouched, but he’s unhappy with your answer. There’s no way you don’t know. It was your technique.
“For such a stoic individual, you’re a terrible liar.”
“I don’t recall owing you the truth.” You respond spitefully.
Tengen fiddles with your collar, letting the silence take motion in this quiet room. This quiet room has one bed in the centre, and a table that sits by the entrance. With that, a candle offers warmth and light, enough for the both of you to read each other. There’s nothing else in this room. “Always standing your ground, Y/N, despite your inevitable demise.”
You don’t respond.
“I bet you’ve never felt humiliated until now,” Tengen chuckles, “You can cry if you’d like. I don’t judge.”
You look up at the ceiling, tuning out his voice. A demon’s taunts only go so far, but this is the first time you take it personal. Perhaps it was the fact that you couldn’t fight back, or the fact that you were meeting your demise soon. “What’s the use in crying, Upper Moon?”
He knows. His observations were sharp enough to understand that you’re incapable of shedding a single tear in a battle. It’s an admirable trait.
It's an oddly comforting silence that takes the room and Tengen experiences an outpouring of inspiration—and it’s terrifying.
His large hands unexpectedly overcome your thighs, placing them over his own and you’re bewildered. An abrupt move from Tengen that leaves you completely open to him and the ominous feeling at the pit of your stomach returns. “That’s a shame,” he faintly says as his hands slowly move back and forth against your thighs. It’s alluring and it makes you sick. “We should seriously open you up before you die, otherwise you’ll never be at peace.” His intentions were twisted, you could feel it and there’s a certain intrusion that confirms that. You could scream right now—wake up the rest of the Hashiras, and you could save yourself from this ordeal. Instead, you tolerantly wait for his next move. His hands lightly trail your inner thigh, alluding to his end goal.
“What are you doing?”
His hands don’t stop moving, but they’re moving upwards. If anyone were to walk into this room, they would draw a completely different conclusion to what was happening. He whispers this time, his hands stopping just below your breasts, “I already told you Y/N… I want you to pour your heart out to me. It will save you from a very regretful death.”
Your face falters at the quick comeback, and it’s another silent battle to be won. A demon making advances towards you. You would scorch the earth to the ground before you even think to consider it. Tengen observes your face as you narrow your gaze at him. “You shouldn’t forget why you came here today, Upper Moon Two.”
“Please, call me Tengen.” He smiles again. He’s so patronising. His thumb draws circles under your chest, and you wonder if he has the urge to crush you right there.
“Well, Tengen, I would rather die before I think about doing anything with you. So please, draw your sword and put me out of my misery.”
Tengen’s eyes scan your body sluggishly and all you want to do is slice that smile from his face. His eyes fixate on your chest, concealed by the fine fabric of your uniform. Then he looks at you again and whispers. “I find that very hard to believe.”
You ignore the thud in your chest. “Is this who Muzan really sent to end me?” You say spitefully, “A demon who can’t keep his dick in his pants?”
Tengen doesn’t even flinch at your words, instead he laughs, animatedly even. “Muzan never sent me, but he will be very happy to learn of your demise,” he says as his fingers brush along the side of your face. To his fascination, he moves your hair to reveal your Demon Slayer Mark—so boldly emphasising your strength and he faintly brushes his fingers against it.
You attempt to move your head away from his touch but fail as your movement is restricted by the harsh grip he suddenly has on your hair, holding you in place. He finds his place a few breaths away from you again. “Second, you will die by my sword tonight. I’m just offering you a parting gift.” There's a trace of uncertainty in that statement. You both feel it. He tilts your head upwards, so he can look down at you again—his pride reminding him that he was on top. Tengen was savouring this moment—there was something so delightful about having this formidable slayer in his hand like this, staring back at him with a vague expression. He can't read you, no matter how much he provoked you, but he feels like he's getting close.
You scoff, “You’re repulsive.”
His hands slowly loosen the grip on your hair, sliding down to wrap itself around your neck. It almost feels like a lifetime before he begins tightening that hold, while his other hand sits on your thigh again. You feel immobile, stuck, and completely slaved to his touch. It’s the worst feeling. Your chest rises and falls, and he breaks the silence once again. “I’m starting to think you’re overcompensating, Y/N.”
“For what?” You manage to mutter.
“For wanting this,” Tengen looks down at your thighs, and you can’t move your head to follow his eyes. “If you weren’t, surely you would’ve made your move by now.”
You suddenly remembered that your legs were not bound by the rope, and he was, once again, right. You’re agile enough to get away from him. “Is there a point to kicking you when I can’t do anything else?” Whatever Tengen had put inside of you was fading, but it was still effective enough to keep you anchored to the bed.
“Good point.”
“But if you want me to put up a fight, I suggest you untie me right now.”
Tengen smiles at you, and there’s an unknowing agreement between you two. For what? Who knows? His hands move again, and this time it’s moving down. Towards your chest, right above your heart. In this moment, perhaps, he could rip it out. It is beating annoyingly fast, and he wonders if it’s because of fear or arousal. He hopes it’s both. He does the unthinkable—at least to you and cups your breast. A feeble gasp leaves your mouth and maybe it’s because his hand is huge and warm for such a coldblooded demon, or maybe it’s because you’re awfully touch-starved. It’s almost a massage, too delicate for someone with the intention of killing you and it fuels a cluster of emotions that boil down to one: anger. He’s engrossed in his own actions, adding his other hand to focus solely on your chest. You should be kicking him now. You should kick him hard enough to knock him out. Instead, you respond. Every part of your body responds, moving with his hands. Your nipples sensitive, partly because of the cold, still concealed, finds its shelter under his thumbs.
The piece of clothing over your chest is infuriating Tengen, but he doesn’t move so abruptly. He can’t remove your uniform because the rope is keeping it trapped, so he focuses on what he can do for now. He flicks the buttons open, nudges the buttoned uniform apart, and the collar down from the neckline so that your chest becomes exposed to the uncaring breeze. His large hands spray across you as he stretches your uniform apart, as far down as he can until he can see your navel. It’s a silent treatment. He’s not saying a word. You’re not saying a word. But he can sense the fury emitting from you. You are infuriated. To be touched like this by a demon—it’s the last thing you would ever want. He appreciates the thought, in fact, he’ll break you down in more ways than one before he lays his sword.
How dare he.
With your chest uncovered, all to show for Tengen, you spit vehemently. “I’m going to fucking kill you.”
And he responds. Tengen’s greater frame completely overshadows you, grabbing you forward to arch your back towards his mouth. He unexpectedly licks a prolonged strip from your bellybutton to your chin, earning a choked gasp from your mouth. Bewildered at the sudden act of indecency, you can only breathe heavily against his embrace, while Tengen laughs at the reaction his flamboyant deed bore out of you. “What are you—“
Tengen returns to kissing your neck, until he reaches the space between your breasts. His wet kisses bring warmth to your chest, spreading them all over until he finally encircles his mouth around your nipple. His tongue moves so lethargically against your nipple while his hand fondles the other, it sends you into a state of bewilderment.
For his movement is so … delicate. You try to make sense of the foreign feeling buzzing through your veins, but you’re stuck. All you can do is chase it. His teeth suddenly graze your nipple, and you choke. It’s a sudden move on his part, but it comes as a complete shock to you. You’re already catching your breath and it’s rude. Just plain rude of him to act excitedly while you’re seething with anger. But his eyes are looking right at you while he continues to fondle your chest, and its pure evil. He doesn’t flinch at your threat, nor does he hesitate—almost as if he’s fuelled by your anger and you notice. He sucks and caresses harder.
A sudden surge of pleasure runs through your body, the substance in your body overwhelmed by it, and you’re finally reading the situation. You lift your legs from his thighs and kick him. It’s an attempt at least, an attempt to stop whatever is happening right now. He barely looks fearful at your abnormal strength (just annoyed) and halts the frantic movement of your legs kicking at him. His hands grip at your ankles and he stares down at you with displeasure.
“I would appreciate it if you could behave for me, Y/N.” He sighs. You can barely register his words because he towers over you so easily, and it worries you. But not in that way, in a way that leaves your insides turning and heart throbbing. He looks delectable. In another time or place (maybe another world even…) you would, but you can’t. You won’t. Hell, you’re tied by a rope and inhibited by some sort of substance. You are not in the right mind to make decisions. In the back of your mind, paranoia lurks as at any moment, someone could walk in. To be found like this, you would be executed.
A shiver ran down your spine. Behave? “I’m not some toy you can play with, Upper Moon. Take me outside and we’ll fight.” His smile widens, and it’s malicious. His next move is immoral.
“But you look so lovely like this,” he says as his fingers trim the belt loop of your trousers. You watch as your trousers and shoes are pulled from you, being thrown across the room and leaving your legs exposed to his touch. His lips find your ankle, leaving light kisses while his eyes stare deeply at you. Wet kisses linger all over your ankle. Scorching. Your legs are almost far apart if his hands dare to. He’s daring enough. It should be a lover treating you like this, kissing you like this—not a demon. He kisses your body like he loves you, and it makes you sick. “And while I enjoy the beauty of fighting…” Tengen moves your legs further apart, and his hands brush further down. “It wouldn’t sit right with me…ending you so untouched.”
You have never felt so constrained in your life. It’s a kind response, but so boldly cruel.
Abruptly, Tengen pulls you from the rope towards him, so you sit on top of him, your noses brushing fleetingly while he waits for your response. The intimacy of this position has you unable to look at him, your eyes shut as his breath hovers over you, scanning your face. One move, and he would familiarise himself with your kiss. He holds back. You try to create some distance, but his grasp on your rope is so firm that you can only hope he moves you himself.
“You agree, don’t you?” He mutters against your cheek, his free hand adjusting your collar again.
“I want you to untie me,” you manage to say, still struggling to look at him.
“No, you don’t. You want to be cared for,” Tengen mocks, following your face that tries to avoid his, speaking over your parted lips, “that’s all you humans ever want. To be loved. Isn’t that why you fight us? So humans can love in peace? Should I love you like a human, Y/N?”
He was taunting you. You want nothing more than to drive a sword through his chest. Why were you so unable to taunt him back?
This odd exchange only fuels your confusion, but he’s now adjusting your body to sit between his legs. Your back, pressed against the firm ridges of his chest, embraces the warmth of his body and you’re not sure if you’re glad or disappointed that you can no longer see his face. His mouth trails the contour of your ear while he runs his hands across your abdomen, completely trapping you in his firm grasp. Again, you dwell on this intimate transgression, and it sends you into a further illusion of safety but deep down, you both know his intentions are far from that. Your chest, exposed to the air and his wandering hands, rise, and fall as he tightens his grip around you, whispering false pretences to break you down.
“Well,” Tengen whispers. His hands are inviting itself between your legs, and you’re letting him. It’s harsh compared to the soft brushing of his fingers, but he roughly spreads your legs apart—spreading out you like a new canvas, prepared to be painted on. Your abdomen is restricted from movement. All you could do was submit to his touch.  “Like I said before, I really want you to open you up.” It’s sadistic. You can only believe that an insane person would want this. But your legs remain far apart, high up and sitting on his thighs while Tengen brings his warm hands closer to your crotch. His actions shift you too close to reality, and the situation dawns on you.
“Don’t.”
Tengen says, as if he were getting out of a trance-like state. “Don’t what?”
You must be aware of his experience. All the research you’ve learnt still could not answer who this demon was, what he’s done or who he was before he became one. Being a Hashira wasn’t enough for him—why? His nature exudes confidence (or just plain arrogance), and it makes you think—how many people has he put in his position? How many have submitted to him? Are you weak for falling into this trap? Surely, you were not his first. Then that would mean you weren’t special enough to avoid this.
The fact that he has you barely speaking with your head held high, angers you. “I can’t—I can’t do this,” you stutter breathlessly, and it makes you cringe. “It’s wrong.”
“It’s very wrong. Humans are way too fragile,” Tengen pouts. “But you’re no ordinary human, Y/N. You’re strong. You can take it right?” You can no longer tell if he’s mocking you or if he’s telling the truth. Either way, your heart skips a beat.
You can only stare at the distance ahead of you.
“I know you can.” Tengen leers, tracing a single finger along your clothed slit and you harshly inhale. You want to close your legs, kick him away and unbound yourself but all you do is grip your thigh tightly (as far as you can reach) and wait for his next move. He’s teasing you, motioning his finger up and down while you refuse to watch. Your eyes are shut again—if you’re going to feel like this, you’ll pretend it's anyone but him. Tengen notices but doesn’t say anything, instead the pressure rises, and his finger becomes his whole hand and it's pressing against your pussy. You grit your teeth, refusing to make any sounds that might hint that you’re enjoying it. But you are and he knows it.
He keeps palming your clit, and it’s exhilarating. Then he lowers his head, where his mouth finds the crevices in your neck, leaving salivated kisses. Tengen finally has enough of teasing you because he can see your skin succumbing to the sudden heat and can hear how loud your irregular heartbeat is. He slides his hand under your underwear and runs two fingers across your slit. “You’re soaking wet.”
“What are you doing?” You manage to breathe out and Tengen tightens his grip around you.
“It’s a shame no one has taken care of you,” Tengen scorns, “The world should burn for such a crime.”
You’re almost bare. Almost exposed to one of the most villainous creatures to roam the earth. Legs far apart. He reminds you of your mortality once again. Reminds you that you’re human again. Arousal, guilt, fear… all human qualities. But it’s overwhelming. Overpowering your lungs and veins. You’re suffocating under his touch. All because of one man—no—demon. Your eyes remain shut because the guilt is consuming you. Your comrades who have vowed to rid the earth of demons fight with their lives, ignorant to the ongoings of what is happening in this room. Once again, it makes you sick to the core. It’s so wrong. And yet, you anticipate his every move. But because your eyes are closed—you could never expect what comes next.
His fingers relay an up and down motion across your slit, spreading your wetness so far and wide that he could almost taste it. “Seriously… you’re already making a mess. You were just waiting for this, weren’t you?” Tengen doesn’t seem to know when to end his taunts, but you’re so far gone from this minuscule motion alone that you allow him to. His other hand, focused on keeping your thighs apart, moves to your breast, further stimulating your senses. Two fingers finally pause on your clit, rubbing languidly as his other hand pinches your nipple. It’s a filthy sight and Tengen rejoices on the fact that he’s made you this vulnerable. Still refusing to open your eyes, you chase the sensation of his fingers motioning against your clit but as your back arches and your toes curl, Tengen moves his fingers further down.
This time, a finger wanders towards your entrance. It’s a slight stretch, and he slides it so deep into you that you might just squeal. Your eyes shut harder, creating crinkles in your eyelids. There’s a stubborn refusal to acknowledge him. So, he adjusts his position and rests his free hand on your neck, gradually tightening his grasp. His finger moves slowly, but it’s so deep and you can’t help but clench around his finger. You’re so overwhelmed by the unfamiliar sensation—so you open your eyes to turn to him and it’s strangely intimate. It’s disgusting how warm this moment makes you feel. Tengen is slightly taken aback by your gaze, but it only speeds up his movement. Snapped back into reality by the sight of him, you try to move away. The hand enclosed around your throat prevents you from doing just that. “Don’t move.”
“Stop.” You manage to beg. “Please.”
There’s a brief silence before he speaks again.
He doesn’t stop. “But I can feel how close you are,” His eyes narrow on the motion of his fingers, hidden by your panties, but he can feel you shake under his embrace. “It would be evil to leave you so unsatisfied when you’re responding like this…”
Oh, the irony.
He’s the embodiment of evil.
His finger moves faster and deeper. It’s a calculated move. Enough to make your thighs shake. Ignorant to your state, he waits for your response. But you’re navigating through this feeling, searching for more until you can reach the climax of this moment. Tengen rolls his eyes at the lack of trepidation for his words, and slips another finger inside, stretching you out enough to leave your arousal gushing. You’re making a mess of your underwear. His fingers stretch and connect, all while moving at a pace you could never imagine was possible. It’s so fast that your throat closes on you and you’re choking on air.
His fingers move to chase the sounds of your wetness and it reverberates through your chest, to the rest of the room. It’s embarrassingly loud and you’ve never been more turned on. As for Tengen, it’s taking everything not to fuck you right here. But that’s for later. He’ll have you on your knees before that. Amidst this overwhelming movement, Tengen awaits your response—but you’re shaking and your body flusters against the forceful motion of his fingers.
“Y/N...” He whispers. His fingers slow down, sensing that you’re close. “Wouldn’t it?”
“Yeah,” you breathe out, your hips following his fingers. “Yes.”
Another smile greets you when you look at him again. It’s unnerving. But he speeds up his motion, curving his fingers while his palm drums erratically against your clit. You’re careless with your words, cursing the world, slayers, demons and whatever you could curse and moaning loud enough for him to hear, but quiet enough for the residents of this house to overlook. You gasp harshly—harsh enough to leave you speechless and he knows. He figured out your angle. But it’s too much for you. He can see that.
“Is it too much?” Tengen chuckles, quickening the pace of his fingers. You grip Tengen’s wrist so hard that he remembers that you harness unnecessary strength, but his fingers don’t stop. He’s relentless. You try to sound out a word to gesture at your imminent orgasm, but the feeling of his fingers is so invigorating, though Tengen is perfectly aware that you’re close. Mindfully, he borders the choice of ripping this orgasm away from you or letting this be one of many tonight. He decides the latter.
His palm smacks your clit as he motions his fingers out of you—it’s undignified. To be handled like this—it’s a dream and nightmare wrapped in one. His fingers tease your entrance again, slipping two back inside, eliciting another strained gasp from you. He moves gently again, while he marks the side of your neck with his kisses. He meets your ear, and his fingers pick up the pace—there is no sense of space between the two of you and you’re oddly uncomfortable, for the action is too intimate for you to comprehend but his fingers are sending you into another state of mind. He’s so close, trailing his tongue on your earlobe, whispering filthy words that keep you in complete submission.
“Taking my fingers so well,” Tengen breathes heavily against your neck, “You’re sucking me in.”
“Upper—”
He speeds up the pace again, while his other hand still works on stimulating your chest, hovering over your trembling body. “Tengen, slayer, I gave you a name.”
Given his nonstandard strength, it’s easy for him to take his fingers out and flip you over to seat you back on his lap but now you’re once again confronting your demise. This time, his fingers, messily and hastily, rub against your clit, then he slips three fingers inside. It’s a much bigger stretch, and you make that obvious, shutting your eyes and wincing at the newfound sensation. Relentlessly, his fingers force themselves against your spot, while he bends forward to mark your chest. Your eyes open to find the ceiling, lips parted, and body supported by Tengen’s arm.
You’ve really lost it now. But there’s a fiery sensation in the pit of your stomach and it almost stings, and your walls clamp down on the unyielding pace of his fingers, which stretch you far and wide. You try to prevent yourself from letting go because if you let go, then he’s won. Though, Tengen instantly notices this and it’s a wilfulness that only the strongest could maintain. So, while he can, he grabs your ass to keep his fingers as deep inside as anyone could and whispers words of nasty encouragement.
“Let go for me, Y/N…”
You still refuse, biting your lip so hard it almost draws blood. But his pacing is inexhaustible and ongoing that your orgasm is inevitable, and it hurts too much to hold it in.
“You’ve been doing so well,” Tengen encourages, “Don’t defy me now.”
“Tengen…” You cry out, and he looks up from your chest to confront the most beautiful sight he’s ever seen in a long time. Even while you sit on his lap, he still manages to tower over you as he straightens his posture to get a better view of your face. Your eyebrows furrowed, your lips parted—an arduous attempt at catching your breath and sweat encasing the temples of your head. Your eyes meet and it feels like hours while he chases your orgasm, searching for the glint in your eye.
His eyes flicker to your quivering lips, but he stops himself—intimacy can only go so far in Tengen’s book. Kissing you would make drive him insane—you both could wordlessly agree on that. Tengen licks his lips, focusing on maintaining eye contact while he drills three fingers inside of you, encouraging your orgasm. And it’s wonderful. You’re staring back at him—you can’t seem to look away, and the sound of squelches and breathless moans resounds around the room. “I’m—fuck—”
It’s a speechless agreement.
His arm that supports you, can barely keep you from falling backwards as you reach a state of ecstasy, your head falling back and you’re practically riding his fingers while he holds you close. The sight in front of him was a sight he could never recall to Muzan, or to anyone. He applauds himself for his words of encouragement because this was a version of him that he had never seen in a long time. He wouldn’t let this last though, as this was just the beginning of your breakdown. Tengen is too entranced by your reaction to even consider all the things he wants to do, watching as you shake fervently against his embrace and try to catch your breath. His fingers slow down while you recover, your thighs closing and twitching against his wrist. There’s complete silence.
Perhaps it was the shock, or the fact that you’re completely exhausted from this single session alone, or it was Tengen who tries to make a note of every single facial expression you make.
Slowly, he removes his fingers, pushing your undergarments to the side to expose the mess he’s so proudly made, and he’s elated. You respire heavily, clenching around nothing but the distant feeling of his fingers. He rubs your clit, lathering your wetness and making much more of a mess than he intends to, and you moan at the sensitive notion. “Stop. Please.”
There’s shame cascaded across your face.
It’s exactly what he wants.
To make matters worse, he lifts his three fingers to get a taste, finding your eyes which glisten with subdued arousal. It’s a filthy sight—the way he relishes at the taste of you. In contrast to his accommodating nature that talked you through your orgasm and held you so warmly, his fingers take advantage of your parted lips and slips them through, earning a muffled groan as he pushes them to the back of your throat. His other arm brings you closer, motioning his fingers back and forth inside your mouth with such attentiveness. He’s completely enthralled. And you’re afraid. “I’d love to taste you…can I?”
He’s not really asking for permission.
Your eyebrows furrow, but that confusion is completely replaced by disbelief as Tengen pushes you against the bed again and the pillow saves you from a concussion. Your legs are parted again, so wide that your thighs quake and your muscles feel strained, your knees almost brushing the bed beneath. Greedily, he stares at your pussy with purpose. His eyes briefly flicker to you.
“You know what I want, Y/N?” Tengen says as he leans forward towards your hip bone, kissing downwards until he reaches your inner thighs, making sure your underwear stays still on the side. “I want your sadness. Your anger. Your misery. I want you completely and utterly broken.”
His honesty frightens you. You don’t know how to respond, but you manage to muster something. “You’re insane.”
Tengen grins.
He licks a languid strip against your slit, and your back immediately arches towards the sensation. It's wet, filthy, and immeasurably beautiful. His head finds solace between your legs, and it elicits a moan from the both of you.
You’re slightly humiliated (only slightly) because you know that in the duration of your entire encounter, your body had been silently crying out for his tongue. It’s a long sigh that escapes your mouth, then erratic breathing and then discreet moans. You note to keep yourself quiet because as far as you’re aware, the Hashiras are still sleeping. His tongue shifts from flicking and sucking your clit, and it’s overwhelmingly good. So good, you think but he doesn’t deserve to hear your praise. Your hips raise to find more pressure under his tongue, but Tengen is controlling this moment and pushes your hips down to keep you craving more. He’ll have you broken by the end of this. He’s sure of it.
It’s messy and unpredictable, the way his mouth moves against you. His tongue finds any and every way to quench his thirst for this mere human. He spits to make a mess of your  wetness, eliciting lewd sounds from you when you feel his erratic motions. Your breathing is so irregular that you believe you won’t find your rhythm again, but Tengen is also moaning against your pussy and it’s almost as if he’s submerged underwater. He sucks your clit hard as you get louder, but it’s not enough. Tengen wants it all. His hands wrap under your ass, lifting you from the bed so that your legs can only hang over his shoulders and you’re fixed over in a very awkward position.
Your eyes that try to avoid him, formerly looking at the ceiling, find his gaze as he’s practically hovering over you in this position. It’s uncomfortable to be positioned like this, but his mouth works so well against you, and you can see everything. The lower half of his face is lost in your glory and you’re shaking again, gripping the bed sheets so hard that your fingertips turn sore. It’s overwhelmingly filthy—the way he moans against your pussy, the way his tongue buries itself inside of you, the way he licks your clit slowly while never breaking eye contact.
“If your precious leader could see you right now…” Tengen says after lifting his head from you—his chin and mouth completely covered by your wetness, and he moves his fingers across your abdomen, to reach your clit and rubs tenderly. “He’d be so disappointed in you.”
You break out of this intoxicating trance, glaring at the demon.  “Don’t talk about him.”
Tengen laughs, a faint blow brushes against your clit and you shudder. “Why? Are you ashamed? All those unresolved feelings, all you ever wanted was to be fucked.” He rubs faster, trying to draw a second orgasm before you could break out in another frenzy of self-reflection. You succumb, to his words and his actions, and you’re wincing at the feeling of another incoming orgasm. His words were painful, much more effective than the kunai that dispersed within your bloodstream. His tongue enters your walls, while his fingers relentlessly press circles on your clit. He provokes you, trying to muster a mix of regret and want in you. You shudder recklessly against his tongue and fingers, while he hums melodically, watching as you try to push the intrusive thoughts to the back of your mind.
The last thing you need is to think about how wrong this is.
“Fuck—fuck you demon,” you grit your teeth as you try to move away his mouth, and Tengen finds it admirable to watch you draw yourself from another orgasm. It’s laughable.
“Don’t be mad,” Tengen pouts mockingly, now focusing all his strength on your clit, four fingers pressing unforgivingly to draw out your orgasm. “I’m not even close to being done with you. So, hurry up and come.”
You come undone.
His mouth returns to slurping and licking your wetness while his fingers rub your clit, and it breaks you. Your hips lift as much as they can, while Tengen follows your movement, refusing to falter the pressure of his mouth and fingers. Deliriously, your back arches again and your eyes almost roll to the back of your head, the overwhelming pleasure feeding every sensation in your body. He doesn’t stop, even when you’re twitching and begging him to remove his grasp from you. Mockingly, he sucks your clit in intervals, eliciting whimpers from you and you want to break the bounds so badly. You almost do—your strength proving itself once again because Tengen can hear the rope slightly tear. His attention is completely disrupted by the single tear that escapes your eye, sliding down the side of your face. Overstimulated and completely sensitive to his touch, Tengen is coming extremely close to breaking you. He’s convinced he can do whatever he wants now.
“Are you crying?” Tengen softly whispers as he brushes your tear away with his finger, and you grimace at the sincere act, but you’re overwhelmed by his mouth and fingers and his words. His words, expelling any sort of pride and respect you had for yourself, keeps you gridlocked by shame. He invites a sadistic smile to his face and you’re almost at the brink of submission. Just almost. You want to give up. To give yourself to him. “We’re barely reached the finale of our little show, don’t give up on me now.”
Once again, you’re speechless.
What a beautiful array of emotions—only Tengen could do that.
He would be lying if he said he wasn’t experiencing a serious level of discomfort, as his cock craved the warmth of your pussy. Though, he wanted you completely sensitive to his touch before he fucked you, so he spins you around, places you on your stomach, anticipating his next round of humiliating you. Every time would get harsher, and he would show no mercy. He’s surprised you can (barely) handle it, as every single one of his actions remained with the complete force and speed of a demon—he would never stoop so low to trade his abilities for human-like attributes. He isn't here to accommodate you. He is here to break you.
You yelp at the sudden change in position, your face pressing against the pillow and your ass bent upwards, in full view for Tengen. This rope made it all the more discomforting. This is beyond humiliating. Tengen catches wetness that tries to run down your thighs, running it back along your slit, causing you to move forward—a futile attempt at escaping his touch. His hands grab your hips, roughly pulling you back and landing a harsh smack on your cheek.
A loud gasp escapes your mouth. Soothingly, he leaves open-mouthed kisses all over your ass, massaging the enflamed mark that arises from the smack. It hurt badly. You’re cloaked by strength and resilience and would never succumb to the injuries of a demon (if they could even touch you) but Tengen has slowly shredded every bit of strength from you, leaving you to feel the full effects of a demonic hit. You want to pray for those Hashiras who fell victim to the demons. To those who died fighting, slowly succumbing to their injuries.
You shake your head, trying to rid yourself of those thoughts, as it was only to build up the guilt that rose slowly in the pit of your stomach. The pain of the impact on your cheek left you wincing when he massaged the mark, but it wouldn’t be the end of it. “Does it hurt?”
You don’t answer.
Tengen smacks again, a little harder this time and you cry out. What a wonderful sound, he thinks. “I want you to answer me, slayer, does it hurt?” The label only turns you on, but you can’t focus on how it made you feel because he was too busy smacking you. You think, perhaps, that he might stop if you just admit it. Though, you were so wrongly fooled by his compassion earlier.
A sight beholds him.
He leans to the side to see your face, and what he sees turns him on in ways he could never imagine. A few more tears stream across your face. You sniff, “it hurts.” You catch his gaze from the corner of your eye and what you see furthers your unease. He’s absolutely elated. “It fucking hurts.”
Another smack. “Submit.”
Your eyebrows furrow in confusion, “What—”
He smacks your ass again, then unexpectedly sinks his fingers into your walls. He tasks himself with giving you the same amount of pleasure and pain, enough to overwhelm you. A louder smack erupts, “I said submit. I want you to completely submit to me, Y/N. Then I’ll be kind to you.”
The way he switches from finger-fucking you to smacking your cheeks leaves you completely wrecked. You never expected to be in this position, but this is the outcome of close proximity with a demon—it's unpredictable and unconventional. You hate and love every moment of it. You want him to stop hitting you so badly, the pain devastating your limbs that the only reason you managed to maintain this position is because he keeps stopping you from falling. A demon being kind. What a sick and twisted request the universe has placed on you. You now must beg a demon.
To stop hurting you and to fuck you nicely instead.
“I submit,” you murmur. No normal individual would be able to hear that, but as part of his many talents, Tengen had the gift of hearing everything. Though, he hated whisperers. Cowards, who weren’t brave enough to speak their mind loudly and proudly. He smacks you again, with as much force a demon can put on a human, and it sends you completely forward, causing your lower half to fall. Three fingers enter you again, and he’s hovering over you, so closely that he could taste the salt of your tears.
“What was that? Speak up for me,” Tengen commands as his hand speeds up. An unremitting pace that makes his rhythm sloppy, so he ends up rubbing feverishly from your slit to your sensitive clit. He’s going to get a third orgasm. He always gets what he wants.
“I��fuck, fuck—I submit,” you cry out, “I submit. Please stop, it’s too much.”
Tengen has no intention of doing that.
“That’s my good girl.” Tengen did promise he would be nice, but surely that wasn’t all the tears you had to offer? He can tell from the way your eyes squeeze shut and your thighs shake under the tremor of his force that you’re close. His face is buried against your hair, taking a deep breath as he rubs with a ruthless force until you cry out in pleasure. Your thighs might almost break his wrist with how tightly you clench you around him. He rides out your orgasm again, waiting as you come down from your high. He wishes he could kiss and lick the arch of your back, but it’s covered by your dreadful uniform, and he contemplates removing the rope. You’re too weak to even move. You’ve completely submitted to him. Surely, you wouldn’t be able to fight him.
He removes his hand from between your legs and focuses on unbinding the rope, and after a short silence there’s a sigh of relief as you attempt to move your arms. He anticipates the possibility that you might fight back but you barely move, instead you try to catch your breath. Weakened by three orgasms, Tengen believes you’re practically immobile. That was far from the truth. You focus on the weight of your arms to help you sit up, your back facing his front and you contemplate your next actions while you stare at the window ahead of you. It’s still pitch-black outside, and the owls are still lively.
Weirdly, Tengen awaits your movement, and he thinks he’ll find compliance when you finally turn to face him. His predictions fell short. Swiftly, you stand up—barely covered by your shirt and underwear, and manoeuvrer around him to grab your sword. You’re too fast for him to notice the edge of the sword pinching the back of his head, and he laughs at your perseverance.
You’re simply giving him a taste of his medicine. To think he could get you to submit to him like this, he is just as foolish as petty humans. Tengen doesn’t display a hint of fear, instead he turns, still on his knees, and looks up at you in awe. You breathe heavily, and Tengen can clearly see how flustered you are. Still trying to recover your stolen breath, you stand above him with unlimited rage. Your sword, no longer unfamiliar, presses harder and this time you break the momentary silence.
“Tell me why I shouldn’t end you right now,” you grumble, fully committed to driving this sword through his neck. Clenching your jaw, frustrated as you lose your sense of certainty, you press the sword harder against his neck and he lets you. You’re so angry. Tengen could feel it. He humiliated you. He does not deserve a second thought, and yet you stood there, adjusting your underwear in a fit of rage, giving him a chance to speak.
Boldly, his hand meets your thigh, trailing softly as he maintains his lustful gaze. You clench your jaw at his action but make no effort to stop him. “Well, for one,” he says, overly confident. “I’m not done with you yet.”
You let out a choked laugh, shocked by his arrogance. “This was your big plan?”
“Hm, my big plan was to make you watch me kill all of your friends,” Tengen smiles, “but I decided this would be much more satisfying. If I had known you were so touch-starved, I would’ve come more prepared.” Your gaze falters at his confession, wondering why he decided to change his plans upon meeting you. More prepared? It could've been worse?
“I let a demon touch me,” you say as a devastating laugh escapes your mouth, letting this moment of self-reflection pour down on you. You’re completely shocked at the turn of events, wondering if your self-awareness is even helping you in this dilemma. You can’t kill him—your sword, an extension of your arm, is betraying you. Who the hell is this demon? It must be the dart. “The kunai… it’s messing with my head.”
Tengen beams. “Of course not, slayer,” and moves his hands closer to your crotch, whispering the rest of his sentence, “...it’s all you.”
“I should kill you.”
“I'm not going anywhere, Y/N. Make your move.”
He calls your bluff. At any moment, that could be it for him. You would breathe and he’d be in hell. The heat would encase him while he turns to ash, and you would reign supreme as the best demon slayer that ever lived. Heavily breathing, Tengen is on the opposite end of this ongoing power play. He should be frightened but he feels his loose bottoms getting tighter, his hands yearning for another touch. You look divine. On the brink of his death, all he can think about is how he would grab every inch of your body, settle you down and take you into dawn. All you can do is breathe, as neither of you have anything to say for now. It’s anger and fear and arousal radiating from your bodies, and you have no idea on how to navigate through it.
You couldn’t ignore the tingling sensation between your thighs, nor could you neglect the lust in his eyes. You can barely stand.
“Get up,” you gesture with your sword, tapping his chin to force him to stand and he towers over you easily. He’s obedient, waiting for your next words. There’s another ephemeral silence as neither of you know what to do or what to say. Perhaps, in a completely unfamiliar way, you’ve submitted to him. Your next words prove that. “Take off your clothes.”
Tengen happily obliges.
Calmly, he saunters towards the table behind you and carefully places his accessories on the table, except his gold arm rings and unfastens his uniform. You watch quietly as the shirt falls prudently from his body and reveals the bare, firm build that you so desperately wanted to see. At this point in time, you could kill him. He’s awfully patient about undressing as if he doesn’t want to tear his clothes, entirely distinct with his attitude towards yours. He’s completely undressed, and you wait. Wait for him to come back and have his way with you. When he turns to face you, you’re completely taken aback by his figure. Your eyes scan him with the same vigour he had a few moments ago. Veins decorate his arms, his broad chest sleek with sweat and his hair falls diligently across his face. He’s stunning—why the hell must he be a demon? Your eyes finally lower, and you make note of his … size.
Your eyes flicker to his face, stunned at the sheer size.
You stare frightfully at Tengen, who boldly rubs his cock with his spit, gazing lustfully at you. It’s alarming, but he stands over you, observing your dishevelled state and the grip on your sword loosens.
“Give me your sword.” He can’t deal with another moment of your self-reflections. He reaches out for the sword, signalling for you to pass to him and you comply, letting him place it beside the table again. Tengen notices that your shirt is still on, and abruptly rips the rest of your shirt apart, earning another gasp. Your shirt falls, and his hand rests on your head, the pressure of his hand growing as he orders you. “Get on your knees.”
“What?”
He rolls his eyes. “Did I stutter? On your knees.”
Slightly hesitant, you gradually get on your knees. It’s a struggle—you have been bound for more than an hour now and you need time to find your balance again. You sit on your knees and look up at Tengen, waiting for his next words. In his head, Tengen thanks the heavens and hell for what he’s witnessing. You briefly look at his cock, that he doesn’t stop massaging, and gulp in anticipation.
“You had the chance to kill me, and you didn’t. Have you developed a soft spot for me?” Tengen says, as he grabs a handful of your hair, forcing you to look up at him. The tip of his cock faintly brushes your bottom lip, and you hesitate to make a move, since you have no experience in pleasing anyone. You refused to answer—of course, you didn’t, but the ache between your legs can only be alleviated by him. Tengen notices your reluctance. “You’ve done so well opening up to me. Think you can open your mouth too?”
You obey, allowing Tengen to slide his cock onto your tongue and you’re slightly overwhelmed by his girth. Tengen doesn’t even blink, not wanting to miss anything until he bottoms out in your mouth. He’s barely at your throat before you grab his wrist to stop him from moving and he chuckles. He doesn’t falter, and he knows his cock would strain you if he tries to put all of it in your mouth. He waits until he reaches the back of your throat and pauses. You’re struggling to breathe already, as his cock completely blocks your airway, and you forget to breathe through your nose. Tengen moves, back and forth, in a gradual pace to get you accustomed to his size. You moan against his motion, placing your hand on his thigh to keep you from falling. He seriously underestimates his strength.
“Breathe through your nose, fool.”
Harshly, you breathe through your nose, letting him lather your saliva around his cock. He whispers short curses as he picks up the pace, firmly holding your head to keep you from moving back. You whimper, the force overwhelming you.
“Fuck—who knew the legendary demon slayer could take my cock so well,” Tengen mocks, smiling down at you as you find your rhythm. You struggle but you’re suddenly consumed by the desire to make him feel good. His hips motion forward, forcefully brushing the back of your throat. You wince at the force, knowing that you would end up struggling to keep up, so you try to move back. His grip on your hair keeps you from doing that and his thrusts are so unrelenting that your chin becomes doused in spit and arousal. Tears begin forming in the corner of your eyes and it only excites Tengen further. “I should fuck you in front of the Hashira. Your weak leader. Muzan. I should remind them who you actually belong to, shouldn’t I?” He threatens breathlessly.
He commits to one forceful thrust, to force an answer out of you and you moan in response.
“That’s right, of course you’d let me,” Tengen groans, his movements stuttering. You weren’t the best at it, given that this was your first time but you were definitely the most satisfying. He had the finest demon slayer choking on his cock—he couldn’t be more satisfied. “All you needed was a good fuck. Your duty to weak, defenceless humans … it looks pointless now, doesn't it?”
He doesn’t halt his pace, letting you gag around his cock. Your throat tightens and loosens around the tip, all the while your hands reach the part of his cock that can’t enter.
“Join me Y/N,” Tengen breathes out, “Let me turn you into a demon. Your talent shouldn’t be wasted on them. I’ll fuck you for thousands of years. I’ll take care of you.” It’s a thought you would never think to consider, but you don’t stop moving against his cock, blubbering against all the wetness he’s produced from his frantic movements.
He moans sincere promises of forever, but it’s laced with the awareness of blood and hellfire. You couldn’t. You wouldn’t. Tengen knows that. Though, you pay no mind to his words—your thighs clenching because of the aching sensation between your legs, and you want nothing more than to relieve yourself. There’s a rhythmic pang in your heart affiliating with the fear of being heard by the other residents in the mansion, but Tengen produces sweet moans that you don’t want to stop hearing.
You break from his grip, finally taking a breath while you palm his cock, gently sucking the precum from his tip. You move back to try to take every bit of him—Tengen wishes he had the ability to capture this moment. Cursing his immortality for overwhelming him with memories.
“Fuck. You’re enjoying this.”  Tengen lets out a breathless laugh, letting you control the pace. He palms your hair, admiring your resilience, committed to making him come. He stares at the mark on your forehead, which blazes with intensity. He could stand here for hours but he would rather come inside of you. So, to end this, he powerfully switches the pace again, impactfully fucking against your throat until you start to gag. It’s a test of endurance. It’s also sadistic but seeing you struggle against his cock was more than enough. He shifts you away from his cock, leaving a string of saliva and pre-cum to connect you, patting your cheek in approval. Your pride is so far gone. The Y/N he met an hour ago would’ve cut his hand off.
Tengen crouches down before you, and your eyes follow his movement. His hand gently grabs your chin to force you to look up at him. You look at each other with the same vigour. His snowy hair falls, slightly wet, softly brushes your face and you’re a few pulses away from each other, and a few breaths away from kissing. Somehow, along the way, in all of this, you’ve silently agreed on finishing this. Now, looking at his cock, you curse yourself for not running away when you had the chance. His nose tenderly budges yours, and his lips find the corner of your mouth, in a fleeting, sweet peck. For some reason, despite everything, it angers you. “What do you say?”
He's serious?
You don’t know where to put your hands, so you settle with your thighs again. “Never.”
Was this his end goal? To convince you to become a demon by fucking you? Sure, you were already halfway there, you can never show your face to the Hashiras ever again after this—even if they’re completely unaware of the ongoings in this room. But you will never, in a million years, become a demon. Tengen is foolish for thinking otherwise. Beneath your want, your misery and your salvation are your love for peace and solitude. As long as Muzan is alive, you and many others can never have that.
There was raw emotion behind his words, his eyes and the way he expects you to say yes. It almost makes you feel guilty, but he incapacitated you, bonded you and rid you of your pride. He has taken hundreds of innocent lives. He has no right to be upset. You notice that by the way he impassively rids the emotion from his face, and you can no longer read him. “I will never become a demon, Tengen. I will live and die as a human.” You mean that. No matter how badly he humiliated you, you at least had that.
He uses one of his hands to brush the side of your face. “So naive…” Tengen murmurs pitifully. “Perhaps I’ll fuck some sense into you.” Before he can push you back towards the bed, you stop him.
“Wait…” you breathe out, attempting to catch your breath before he makes another move. Tengen knows what you’re thinking from the way your brows crease and your lips part in anticipation––you’re nervous. To be taken by that—you needed some sort of control. Though, your words fail you.
Tengen grows impatient, “What? Tell me what you want.”
“I want you to lie down,” you whisper, standing before his crouched state and nudging him to lie down on the bed. His face lights up with the elation, wondering what you intend to do with him. He immediately lies down, resting his arms behind his head as he waits for you to follow him.
You stand proudly before the impatient demon, his tip red and aching for your warmth, and you turn back towards the sword on the tableside. You bite your lip in trepidation, letting your thoughts linger on your hesitance to kill him. Your underwear finally slips down your legs and Tengen watches attentively as you throw it to the side. You crouch down again—this time, on his tensed thighs and his cock rests between your hands. He moans at the motioning of your hands, coating all of your wetness around his cock, until he’s lubricated enough to enter you. Your eyes briefly meet him for the thirtieth time tonight, and the tension never falters.
You hesitate. “I don’t think it’ll fit.”
Slowly, the head of his cock rubs against your slit and you hold in your breath.
“You were made for me, Y/N,” he hisses as he lathers more of your wetness on his tip. “You’ll take it all.”
Gradually, you slide down on his cock, stretching you widely, causing you to wince. He waits for you to adjust around his cock before lifting his hips to make you take more of him. Your back arches against the full feeling of his cock bottoming out inside of you and you try to stop yourself from clenching too hard, but you do and Tengen’s eyes shut at the sensation. You’re convinced he’s brushing against your cervix—there’s a peculiar sensation whenever you feel all of him and it slightly aches.
Gently, you rest his hands on his chest while you shift your hips against his cock. The sensational feeling of his cock filling you causes you to quiver against his embrace, his hands gripping your hips to help you move easily. He’s so engrossed in your actions, watching you get lost in your movement and the way his cock disappears between your folds.
You familiarise well, moving ardently against his cock. He relishes at the sight, your thighs slapping against each other while you jump up and down. His hands momentarily find your breast, pinching your nipple and touching every inch of your body while you chase the consuming sensation of his cock. The room is filled with the echoes of your moans and the acknowledgement of your Hashiras’ presence has been erased from your mind.
Tengen doesn’t remember the last time any human has taken all of him—he shouldn’t be surprised that someone like you can. He dreams of moments like this again and if he makes it out alive, he’ll come crawling back for more. He could die here. It would be the least regretful death. His hands find your ass, gripping tightly to keep you moving madly against his cock. He doesn’t want to strain you just yet, but he remembers why he came here tonight. He shouldn’t be considering your wellbeing.
From a far distance, too far for you to hear, Tengen can sense a Hashira and curses them for waking up. He wants to make you scream, but he appreciates your effort in trying to hold it in. “It seems like your friends are up early.”
It was barely dawn.
Fear washes over you, and you frantically try to push Tengen off of you. Tengen doesn’t budge, instead he crooks his knees and lifts his hips, unrelentingly thrusting his cock into you. You squeal in shock, and you curl into Tengen’s chest, completely surrendering to his unyielding force. The sweat drips from your skin and the sounds of slapping and squelching resounds around the room. The force of his movement is abnormal, and you’re sure that you’ll wake up with bruises when you wake up. “Tengen—stop, please, they’re going to catch us.”
He doesn’t stop, grunting against your neck while he speeds up his pace. “They can watch if they want.”
You’re panicking and can’t process on the fact that you might be caught, but he’s already fucking you so good and it’s driving you insane. His cock hilts as far as he can reach, and you wince at the mixture of pain and pleasure that sits at the bottom of your stomach. Suddenly, Tengen sits up and his cock reaches an angle that makes your fingernails dig into his skin. He flips you on your back, and your eyes don’t leave each other. You’re proud of yourself for maintaining eye contact, but it’s a shame because every other night will be nothing but a reminder of his absence. When you sleep, his face is all you’ll see.
You’re done for.
It’s sudden. A relentless pace Tengen keeps at while he propels his cock into you. He hits a spot that makes your skin pierce with heat, your lungs tighten and your back arches against the bed. “Right there?”
You can barely collect your thoughts together to muster a response. He adjusts your legs even higher, hovering over his shoulders, adjusting into an angle that lets him bury himself as deep as he can. Your legs strain against his shoulders as he doesn’t falter, fucking you so ruthlessly that your eyes turn white. His hips snap against yours, eliciting sounds of your wetness and it greets his ears like a song.
He sits up, moving back to grab your ankles, steering himself to move against your pussy with the utmost speed. He moves so fast that you can barely see his cock moving and he looks down at you with no hint of struggle. It’s too overwhelming. Not a single word can escape your lips.
You finally muster, the sensation building up in the pit of your stomach. “Please… slow down—”
Tengen chuckles breathlessly, inhumanely speeding up his thrusts. The playful glint in his eye never wavering. It’s faster and deeper. “What was that?”
“It’s too much,” you cry out, covering your teary eyes with your arm to avoid confronting the demon fucking you into midnight. Tengen relishes your response and it’s sadistic—he’s perfectly aware of that but your tears and your inability to handle his pace makes him want to go faster. His hips slow down for a moment, letting you catch your breath, but he’s already pushing your legs so far down that it stretches your muscles painfully. Resuming the slow pace, he bottoms out inside of you again, watching as your folds take him with such elevation. Sniffing from the overwhelming response you elicited, you watch Tengen move slowly. He looks at you with complete adoration and smiles again.
“Why don’t you put your talent to some good use then?” He resumes, “We both know you can take it, baby. So breathe.”
He speeds up again.
You try to regain your breath adeptly, but the way he’s fucking you is diabolic; you’re reminded of the fact that demons never get tired and you’re expected to keep up. So, for the sake of taking his cock and keeping the Hashiras oblivious, you slap a hand over your mouth, trying to hold in your responses in case you draw attention. You mindfully thank the universe that most of the candles are out. His thighs continue to slap against yours as he fucks you in ways that causes numerous tears to spill from your eyes. Overawed by the sheer speed and force of his thrusts, you try to grab his arm to get him to slow down but it only encourages him. You curse him.
He wants to be caught.
Of course, he does—you can tell that he walked into every room with an extravagant aura that required everyone’s attention, from the moment you saw his flamboyant attire and the way he strutted towards you when he had you bound. You heard about the way he fights—the way bombs embellish his swords, how he never fails to make a show of explosions and the cries of his victims serving as his audience. He would devastate villages for the sake of it. No wonder he came by himself to kill you tonight, he wants all the glory. He’s the centre of attention.
Tengen is a force that demands recognition��you were being fucked by an attention-seeker in the middle of the night. The thought boiled your blood, every moment of pleasure came with the understanding that’s it’s because of him. A silent battle within yourself that didn’t help anyone—you’re still holding him close and you’re letting him touch you everywhere.
You overwhelm his cock with your wetness, making it so easy for him to slip back in. Provocatively, he rubs his tip against your clit again, causing you to bite down on your hand to cease your moans. Slipping back in, the sounds of squelching and clapping is so loud that you're sure the Hashiras can hear it. At this point, you no longer care as his cock is brings you so close to your fourth orgasm. Your insides, your skin and your heart are on fire. 
Intensely, you clench around him, your hands trying to find his skin that yields to the sweltering heat of this room. Tengen groans at the constant clenching around his cock, and he hits your spot with a consistent fervour that leaves you spilling all over his cock. His name falls from your mouth like a prayer, and you wonder if it’ll only bring you closer to hell. “Oh my—Tengen—”
“You’re doing so well, baby,” Tengen loudly rejoices at the state of you—submitting to the force of his thrusts, too feeble to stop him. “Pour your heart out to me.” Tengen doesn’t falter, nor does he wait for you to catch your breath, instead he persists with the purpose of making you come again. He’s awfully keen about this never ending. You’re practically desperate at this point, trying to gesture for him to stop while trying to prevent your tears from overflowing.
It’s the most beautifully mortifying thing you’ve ever experienced, “You feel so good, Y/N—will you do it again for me? We’ve still got a long way to go.”
“I can’t,” you whine. How disconcerting.
The same trepidation you had when he stripped in front of you greets him again, and you’re certain you won’t make it out of here alive. Tengen hovers over you again and with the hand that doesn’t support his weight, he closes around your neck. His face is so close that you feel the moisture on his skin trickling onto you. Tengen starts moving again, the feeling of your chests brushing together sending frissons through your body. “You’ll be unsatisfied for a long time, slayer. You’ll live a mundane life yearning for my touch because those pathetic humans will never make you feel this good.”
You can’t bear to admit that his words held some truth, but how could you want a simple life now when you’ve been exposed to this feeling? His hips move expertly against yours, “We’ll have our fight one day,” he says as he presses faint kisses along the side of your neck. Your heart churns when he places a soft kiss on your Demon Slayer Mark—you can feel it burn. “Let’s make good use of each other before that, hm?”
The fact that you aren’t completely against the idea makes you want to die, but the unlawful deaths of the innocent will knock some sense back into you. You don’t respond—the idea so fruitful yet so destructive. Any answer would be laced with uncertainty. You can’t be uncertain right now. The little respect you have for yourself depends on that. Tengen can still see the fire in your eyes. You’re a fighter through and through. You will never abandon your duty for him, and he bizarrely admires you for that.
“Let’s end the night properly, slayer.”
Abruptly, he lifts you up, refusing to disconnect your bodies and strolls towards the wall, which he presses you against. You know someone’s bed is on the opposite end of the wall and you curse at the fact, but you make no move to stop Tengen from doing what he wants. You’ve never considered yourself to be flexible, but after tonight, you’ll reconsider. Tengen lifts your legs to rest them on his shoulders, so you’re practically folded between the wall and Tengen.
You try to ground yourself to stop you from sliding down the wall, but he starts off slow, burning his eyes into your teary ones while you try to find balance. He enters unforgivingly with the loud squelch, and it prompts a moan from the both of you, but only you are panicking at the sudden volume because Tengen chose this side of a wall for a reason. Why must he be so reckless? Tengen resumes his swift pace, connecting you to the wall with a cruel, continuous thud. You think you might get a concussion after this, but he's reaching the deepest parts of you, and you might just scream.
Tengen, now oddly concerned that he might break you like this, lowers your legs to wrap them around his waist and he grabs your ass, forcing you to jump up and grind closer on his cock. Your arms hastily wrap around his neck, bringing your bodies much closer than they should be and now you feel like he’s stealing all of your air again. “I could fuck you for days,” he grunts against your cheek, “…it’s a shame the sun’s not on our side.”
You silently agree.
You both hear footsteps nearing the room, but you’re already so close that you don’t know what to do with yourself—you can barely keep yourself quiet. Boldly, as his cock nears you closer to your orgasm, you kiss him with an unusual passion that makes his hips stutter. Messily exchanging kisses, he groans against your mouth as he controls the motion of your hips, descending you down his cock. You can taste every bit of passion he’s displayed tonight on his tongue, and it caresses your own so carefully.
“Fuck—“
You’ve fallen so far from grace. Your fingers curl in his hair, while your other arm stays wrapped around his neck. You only realise that you’ve stopped breathing when you finally reach your peak, your head falling back against the wall with a thud. “Keep coming for me, slayer,” Tengen thrusts sloppily when you come around him again, and he presses his fingers against your clit while he marks your neck. “I want all of it.”
You look back at Tengen, who reconnects your lips, keeping you from moaning any louder as he rides your orgasm. He groans boisterously against your mouth when he finally succumbs to the effects of you clamping down on him, gripping your ass so securely that his cock remains so deep inside of you that you’ll never forget the feeling. His hand slams against the wall beside you, burying his face in your neck while he releases inside of you. There’s a slight pang in your chest—perhaps you’re panicking because he’s just so loud or maybe it’s because you can no longer hear footsteps. The panic subsides when you focus on catching your breath—this humbling experience reminding you that you’re only human.
Tengen draws his tongue across your bottom lip, inviting himself to another long, yet lethargic kiss. One of his hands moves from your ass to the back of your head, and he’s tilting his own to deepen the kiss he never knew he longed for. He can’t bring himself to move from your embrace, but the Hashiras are nearby, and he’s not bothered for all-out battle (despite every single one of his actions proving otherwise), especially when he’s just fucked you—their natural leader.
The hand on your head trails down the arch of your back, holding your waist firmly while you kiss for what feels like hours. Finally, he slips out of you, catching all of your mess and uses his fingers to push it back in, provoking a final moan from you. You’re completely exhausted. Unconsciously, his hand moves to wipe the tears from your face and it’s sweet—until you remember that he got exactly what he wanted.
“Y/N?”
Your head sharply turns to the door, and you curse at Tengen.
“Yes?” You say, as you usher Tengen to start dressing and he lets go of you, causing you to stumble when you ground yourself. You feel light on your feet, and it hinders your movement. Hastily, you try to recover your breath but at this point—you’ll need training to recoup. “Hold on—“
The shuffling is noisy, but Tengen is awfully calm as he puts his uniform back on while you stumble around the room to pick up the clothes he carelessly threw off. You notice that your shirt has lost some of its buttons and you grit your teeth at the sudden inconvenience. You try to adjust your shirt as much as you can, but the shadows behind the panel grow impatient. Tengen, amused by your frantic movements, yanks you towards him, pressing your body against his. You’re surprised at the sudden proximity, and he looks at you with an unfamiliar gaze that you try to decipher. Tengen looks fairly composed but his hair still falls carelessly across his face.
“Y/N, can I come in?”
“No, I—Just give me a second, I’ll be right there.” You assert as you try to remove yourself from Tengen’s grip, but he just won’t budge. He leans down to whisper quietly into your ear, and it’s the only time he considers your fear of getting caught tonight. He stares fondly at the marks he’s left on your neck.
“Whether you want to fight or fuck, I don’t really care…” Tengen trails his hands down your back, firmly grasping your waist and pressing you closer against him. “I’ll see you again.”
You’ll be prepared for that, but you’re not sure how.
Tengen leaves a lasting look at the door, and you can tell he contemplates leaving without ending at least one Hashira tonight, but he struts towards the window, preparing for his departure. There’s a pin drop of silence before he spins around, swings his dual swords and a series of explosions follow. He counts on you to be quick enough to dodge the blinding fireworks, but you don’t count your friends to do the same. Tengen proclaims over the loud explosions, “I hope I’ve taught you a valuable lesson to never underestimate your enemies, Y/N!”
You could execute him right now, but your only concern is at your comrades who’ve been knocked out by the blasts, the door completely shattered by the impact. By the time you turn to face Tengen, he’s gone—he grants himself a dramatic exit through the window and now, you’re left with immense regret and your wounded friends. You run frenziedly to them, checking their pulses, and looking for any injuries. None of their wounds seem fatal and several doctors appear from the corner of the lengthy corridor and they’re rushing to aid them. You look at them with relief, but you’re left with memories of shameful endeavours, and you vow to never let Tengen live the next time you see him.
You’re almost certain.
From the distance, you hear crows fly upwards and screech an announcement—Upper Moon Two has breached the village. You sigh at the late declaration from the second flock of crows. Tengen is probably long gone by now. A doctor frantically speaks as he tends to your barely conscious partner, “how did we overlook the Upper Moon’s presence?” The doctor looks up at you while he speaks, but he’s caught off guard by the sight of you. “Oh! Y/N, your neck!” You freeze at his exclamation, your hands habitually rubbing against the marks on your neck, and you curse silently at your thoughtlessness.
“I’m fine, please take care of them,” you say as you gaze guiltily at your comrades. “Please, I’m fine.” You’re convincing yourself at this point—you’re nowhere near fine. What you’ve done is unforgivable and you won’t be able to move on from this, especially when you know Tengen is fully capable of anything. He’s an Upper Moon—Two to be precise. He was never to be trusted. Perhaps you can redeem yourself if you find him and finally end him, but right now you focus on the fact that your friends are hurt. For the first time in your life, you let your guard down and it was to a demon.
“Y/N?” Your comrade musters.
“Yeah?”
“An Upper Moon tried to attack you and we failed to defend you,” she mutters as she gradually regains consciousness, and your heart uncomfortably twists. “I’m really sorry.”
You grimace. “It’s not your fault—I would’ve killed him anyway.”
She smiles lazily, and her next words feel like a deep stab. “We’ll beat them because you’re here.”
You dismiss her sincere words, the remorse building up inside of you and you gently brush her hair, “Get some rest. We need your strength for when we reach Muzan.”
The lingering touch that Tengen left on your skin burns, and you certainly feel closer to hell.
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a/n: tengen is NOT an attention-seeker, he’s just really charismatic. lol okay bye
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noyzinerd · 3 months ago
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Incredibly specific things that were never explicitly said in the show that EVERY sterek fan has weirdly already accepted as fanon/canon (according to fanfiction):
1. Derek is touch starved, but tactile in nature, so will be the one to fiercely cuddle and spoon in bed
2. Derek has a tendency to bury his face into Stiles' neck and run his nose along his throat
3. Stiles has an allotted number of dog jokes he's allowed to say a day because otherwise they would be nonstop
4. Derek likes rubbing come into Stiles' skin (usually because he likes Stiles smelling like he belongs to Derek)
5. Stiles pays alot of focus to Derek's eyebrows
6. The sheriff and Derek get along rather well (even in the stories where the sheriff doesn't like Derek dating Stiles in the beginning, they will eventually get along)
7. Stiles is obsessed with porn, or at least looks at porn fairly often
8. Derek will often say "What." as a deadpan sentence, with no inflection, rather than ask it like a question
9. Derek likes to use his mouth on Stiles' moles, like kissing them or playing connect the dots with his tongue
10. Derek is bad at texting (some stories have him texting in all caps, some stories have him using full words instead of abbreviations, some stories have him avoiding texting all together, and it's usually been widely accepted that he doesn't use emojis)
11. Despite being old, held together with duct tape, and constantly falling apart, Derek will never insult Stiles' jeep or the fact that Stiles owns a clunker (not unless Roscoe dying has put them in a dire situation, but sometimes not even then)
12. Stiles' inner/outer monologue will thank nobody in particular for their opinion. Example: "He was doing fine on his own, thank you very much." Or "I would much rather stay here than get killed in the creepy ghost house, thank you very much." (Honestly, I read the words "thank you very much" from Stiles so often it makes me want to scream.)
13. Even though there has only been one instance in the show, it is now widely accepted that Derek constantly crawls through Stiles' bedroom window, even after the sheriff knows about the supernatural world
14. Stiles loves the way Derek's stubble feels on his neck and inner thighs
15. Stiles has a tendency to grip Derek's hair really hard during blowjobs and Derek loves it
16. If he is still around, Peter will most likely be the first to find out about their relationship. Not because they wanted him to, but because Peter is a snoop.
17. Stiles gives really considerate birthday gifts and is the first/only one who ever learned when Derek's birthday is
18. Derek will try to bribe the sheriff with food he shouldn't have when he's trying to get on his good side and Stiles will always find out about it and either chastise Derek for it or tell the sheriff that he's "only allowed ONE"
19. Not only does Derek know about Stiles monitoring his father's diet, Stiles' dedication to keeping his father healthy absolutely melts Derek's heart
20. Stiles cannot definitively name Derek's eye color (I once read a story that said "it probably says difhdjdrjdhmfhbddgk on Derek's driver's license, under eye color")
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turnpage · 9 months ago
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send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list
generator here quotes compiled from here inspired by
feel free to change to fit your preferences as need.
❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜
 ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness.  ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives?  ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control.  ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly.  ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope —  It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together.  ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase.  ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord.  ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you.  ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory.  ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are.  ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences.  ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise.  ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table?  ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place?  ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death?  ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable.  ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you.  ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner.  ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away.  ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ���1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜
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chdarling · a year ago
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Weird Questions for Writers (because writers are weird)
1. What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?
2. If you had to give up your keyboard and write your stories exclusively by hand, could you do it? If you already write everything by hand, a) are you a wizard and b) pen or pencil?
3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?
4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?
5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?
6. What is your darkest fear about writing?
7. What is your deepest joy about writing?
8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go?
9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know
10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?
11. Do you believe in the old advice to “kill your darlings?” Are you a ruthless darling assassin? What happens to the darlings you murder? Do you have a darling graveyard? Do you grieve?
12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules
13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?
14. Do you lend your books to people? Are people scared to borrow books from you? Do you know exactly where all your “lost” books are and which specific friend from school you haven’t seen in twelve years still possesses them? Will you ever get them back?
15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?
16. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever used as a bookmark?
17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.
18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end. Spicy addition: Questioner provides the passage.
19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?
20. If a witch offered you the choice between eternal happiness with your one true love and the ability to finally finish, perfect, and publish your dearest, darlingest, most precious WIP in exactly the way you've always imagined it — which would you choose? You can’t have both sorry, life’s a bitch
21. Could you ever quit writing? Do you ever wish you could? Why or why not?
22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?
23. Describe the physical environment in which you write. Be as detailed as possible. Tell me what’s around you as you work. Paint me a picture.
24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?
25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?
26. How do you get into your character’s head? How do you get out? Do you ever regret going in there in the first place?
27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why?
28. Who is the most delightful character you’ve ever written? Why?
29. Where do you draw your inspiration? What do you do when the inspiration well runs dry?
30. Talk to me about the role dreams play in your writing life. Have you ever used material from your dreams in your writing? Have you ever written in a dream? Did you remember it when you woke up?
31. Write a short love letter to your readers.
32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?
33. Do you practice any other art besides writing? Does that art ever tie into your writing, or is it entirely separate?
34. Thoughts on the Oxford comma, Go:
35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?
36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice...what do you Know?
37. If you were to be remembered only by the words you’ve put on the page, what would future historians think of you?
38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?
39. What keeps you writing when you feel like giving up?
40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.
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mangachi · 6 months ago
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May I ask why we shouldn't vote for Marcos? Is there any particular traits you are looking for in a President? And can you also tell us what made you want to vote for Leni? /gen /srs
Why we shouldn't vote for Marcos:
A total debt of $395.51 Billion foreign aid that is still taxed for until now. There was a 4300% rise in debt from 1965-1986. Besides building bridges, Marcos constructed in 1976 the overpriced Bataan nuclear power plant worth $2.3 Billion and loans which the Filipinos' tax had only finished paying in full on 2007.
Marcos stole P3.363 trillion if rates are applied to the year 2015, official poverty incidence rate increased to almost half of the Philippines, underemployment rate rose from 10% to 33% in 1985. PH debt grew by $16 Billion in just 5 years.
About 34000 were tortured, 70000 were detained for being "enemies of the state", 3240 were salvaged or killed during Martial Law.
The PCGG recovered a total of P167.5 Billion from Marcos ill-gotten wealth. Kung wala ninakaw, walang ibabalik.
Imelda Marcos is guilty of 7 counts of graft but not imprisoned because of old age.
There are three FINAL supreme court decisions na nagsasabi nakaw na yaman ng Marcos ang mafo-forfeit. Here are the links:
https://elibrary.judiciary.gov.ph/thebookshelf/showdocs/1/48708?fbclid=IwAR3EN3lOlaChqDn-F8mL4fDjRDULHSQpS7144Ip4Plq1xfwl-uyF1aSMFfQ
https://elibrary.judiciary.gov.ph/thebookshelf/showdocs/1/54791?fbclid=IwAR0xYV7WDmvzR458uWk-zEHpJZUWCp65FJQB01mKeV17jMR1RqZUfoPl4oI
https://elibrary.judiciary.gov.ph/thebookshelf/showdocs/1/62728?fbclid=IwAR1XdyTB1v7tz7MiCpvvDteLC04uDnuc54GfkpHujLkVcFSXzJ3lvRWFEdQ
Si Bongbong Marcos ang makakapag mana lahat ng nakaw na yaman ng tatay niya, he is claiming na graduate siya sa Oxford pero Special Diploma lang ang binigay. May statement na ang Oxford regarding that, saying na he is not a full graduate. He was already an adult during Martial Law but hinayaan nila lang na sirain ng tatay niya ang bansa.
What made me vote for Leni Robredo:
1. VP Leni Robredo has been releasing her SALN for years now and making the document public. She is not corrupt. OVP received the highest COA rating thrice.
2. She is a human rights lawyer and an economist. Her educational attainment is enough to prove that she is capable of leading the country. She has a doctorate degree in Humanities, Public Administration and Doctor of Laws - the highest earned academic degree.
3. Leni Robredo received a Special Awardee for Public Service.
4. She is present and has done a lot of COVID-19 response. During the lockdown, she initiated to provide vehicle services to frontliners and more. For more infographics, see this: https://www.facebook.com/rapvinsky/posts/4718605388172019
She is the only presidential candidate who has the least net worth. She is not corrupt as seen by the statement from COA. I'm voting her because she is transparent and she is doing great in her job by serving the Filipino people. She apologizes when she makes a mistake and she is always present. She is the true definition of a leader. Her platform when she becomes a president is focused on recovering our economy and we can trust her with that because she's a graduate of BA Economics in UP Diliman.
She plans to reopen the economy by realigning the national budget to address the pandemic, allotting more funds for healthcare services & facilities, to empower the healthcare system & to invest heavily in agriculture, particularly in technology and farm-to-market infrastructure. She plans to create more jobs to bring back foreign direct investments, which have been in a steady decline during Duterte’s term. This year, annual FDI dropped by 24.6%, the lowest in five years. To make that happen, her priority is to make sure that pandemic is under control.
This post is long but these are facts I obtained from the internet with credible sources like news media and articles. I hope you vote Leni Robredo.
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twilight-orchid · 9 months ago
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How the Undatebales React After A Fight
Thank you to my friendo @wholelottatiffy ​ who helped me brainstorm this one. I’m only on chapter 19 at the moment, so I haven’t interacted with anyone but Diavolo much. And thank you to everyone who wanted a follow up to my previous post, I did not expect that. Y’all are super sweet!
tw: Fighting (a bit more in depth than my first post), description of panic attack, minor name calling, insecurity, depression, angst with resolution.
Diavolo:
Diavolo doesn’t know what to do with himself. 
To start, we need to talk about how the argument unfolds.
He’s not used to arguing. 
He’s Lord Diavolo, Prince of The Devildom, head of the RAD student council. No one defys him on anything.
So you raising your voice at him, trying to get him to see your way,
It was very overwhelming.
He tried to reason calmly with you at first, but he felt cornered. 
When fight or flight kicked in, his body chose fight.
His wings burst open in all their glory as he screamed back, his towering frame far more intimidating than yours.
The blind rage is slapped out of him when he sees your terrified face.
If you’re at the castle, he’ll order you to leave if you haven’t already. Anywhere else, he’ll turn and leave without a word. 
He wants to put distance between you both for fear of making things worse.
He absolutely cannot believe he just blew up at you. He would have never thought he'd raise his voice at his partner regardless of the situation.
He can’t shake the image of you flinching from him from his mind.
Now, being the prince of hell certainty has it’s perks; He has power, influence, and everything he could want.
But the one thing he wants the most seems to evade him no matter what: a friend.
A real friend. 
He has Barbatos and Lucifer, but it’s Barbatos’ job to accompany the prince, and Lucifer is bound to Diavolo whether he likes the future king or not.
MC was the first person who chooses to be with and around him for no other reason than the fact that they love him.
And now he’s terrified them. Gotten in their face and screamed at them.
He assumes he’s permanently driven you away.
As soon as you leave or he gets home, he rushes to find Barbatos. To explain what happened and hope his butler would know what to do.
He’ll text Lucifer and ask him to check on you as well.
He just feels lost. 
He wanders the palace aimlessly and he can’t focus on his work without his thoughts drifting to you.
He doesn’t feel like going to school or even getting out of bed. He doesn’t want to speak to anyone - to put on a happy face and pretend his world isn’t shaking.
Yet, a prince has his responsibilities. He will go about his normal public appearances as usual, smile and laugh and carry on, but it’s a mask.
Those close to him clearly notice the prince isn’t himself.
After school he visits the spots that you two visit together frequently.  
Anything to make him feel as if you are still at his side.
If you don’t sleep in his bed that night, he’ll take it as proof that he was right and that you don’t want to be with him anymore.
He doesn’t sleep that night. He clutches your pillow that still smells of you and just bawls. 
He will tell Barbatos he feels unwell the next morning and to postpone his obligations for the day.
This prompts Barbatos to seek you out and see if he can help resolve the issue.
Barbatos tries to stay out of your relationship as he doesn't feel it's his business, but his job is to assist Diabolo in any way necessary. And right now, he needs you more than anything.
If you sleep at his side still, it will be a glimmer a hope. That all may not be lost. 
He’ll give you you space that night. He’ll walk around you on eggshells but always watch you from the corner of his eye to gauge the temperature.
He avoids your gaze, stays on the other side of the room as you prepare for bed, and as much as it kills him, doesn’t hug you or kiss you goodnight.
He spends the night staring at your sleeping face and making silent promises that, if you forgive him, he will never let this happen again.
He thinks of how to apologize. What he could say, what he could do. 
Ultimately though, it feels like everything he could think of is too little of an apology. 
He pretends to be asleep when he sees you stir and decides to let you choose if you want to forgive him on your own.
You will have to approach him first. 
He thinks losing his temper with you was unacceptable and feels like he has no right to ask for your forgiveness.
Worse, he’s terrified of not being given forgiveness.
Thus, I feel a fight with Diavolo will take as long as you let it. He’s willing to suffer as long as you need him to.
Barbatos:
Barbatos doesn’t argue. He sits quietly and watches you, his responses calm but absolute.
He’s no pushover, he will defend his side, but he’s not going to enter a screaming match. It’s just not him.
You know you’ve really gotten under his skin when he offers a tight, forcefully pleasant smile.
He finally shuts down the conflict with "It's your right to feel that way just as it's mine to disagree." And leave it at that.
Post argument, he will avoid you and lock his feelings about the fight inside.
He tells himself he doesn’t have time to deal with the terrible feeling clawing at his heart and takes to his duties as an escape.
If you sleep in another room, he realizes that this isn’t a minor disagreement and he’s suddenly very distressed.
His instinct is to use his future vision. 
To scour the timelines and see how the different versions of himself handle it and to replicate the one with the most desirable outcome.
However, he stops himself. He feels it isn’t fair to you. 
You have a right to be upset about things and he doesn’t want to manipulate the situation, and by extension, you.
Thus, he must find another way to cope.
He’s always a devoted butler, but it’s not his whole life. 
He takes time for himself throughout the day and in the evenings. Unless Diavolo needs him, nights are usually his to do with as he wants.
Now, however, his identity becomes Diavolo’s butler. 
He’s constantly asking for extra work and hovering more than usual around the young lord in hopes of being given a task. 
Diavolo finds it odd and asks about it, but he brushes it off. This isn’t anyone else’s business, least of all his employer’s.
Even though Barbatos won’t tell him, Diavolo can clearly tell his friend is off.
In hopes of giving him something to distract himself with, Diavolo requests hellfire mushroom rolled cigar cookies and Barbatos jumps on the opportunity. 
Baking has always been his escape as well as his happy place. Diavolo’s favorite isn’t easy to make, so he looked forward to the task.
And it worked. Keeping track of the ingredients, the steps, and the technique required was enough to occupy his mind.
But then it was time to wait for it to bake. 
He suddenly feels trapped in the suffocating silence of the kitchen.
His mind replays the argument on repeat as he falls down a rabbit hole of what ifs.
He loves you more than anything and the last thing he could ever want is for you to be mad at him.
No, the worst thing would to no longer be able to call you his.
Suddenly, he becomes aware of the sharp scent of burnt food.
He jumps up and runs to the oven. He’d been so lost in thought he hadn’t noticed the timer go off.
He pulls the blackened desert out, puts the cookie sheet on the stove top, and just stares at the burnt cookies.
His sight blurs and a soft sob escapes from the prison he’s created in his heart.
He wasn’t crying because he burnt the cookies, but because they were a visual representation of everything he’s been trying to suppress.
Once he collects himself, he knows he can’t continue like this. 
He doesn’t want to invade your space in case you’re still mad, but he needs a resolution.
He’ll send a quick text and silently begs you to respond. 
“MC, I understand if you are still upset with me, but would you be willing to talk though it? I look forward to hearing from you.”
If you still sleep with him that night, it is a great weight off of his shoulders. 
He hopes it means that it will be easier to make up with you and that you aren’t too mad.
When you wake up, he will be watching you like he has all night with a small, tired smile. 
He’ll put on your favorite tea as you get ready for the day then asks if you’d be willing to talk things over.
Because of how it affects both his job and himself, a fight with Barbados will not last long. He’ll seek a resolution by one, maybe two days tops.
Solomon: 
Lucifer may be the avatar of pride, but Solomon can certainly give the demon a run for his money.
In the moment of a particularly heated argument, he absolutely will not admit he’s wrong. 
In fact, he really doesn’t consider it a possibility.
There’s no point in trying to get him to see your side until things have calmed down. It’s like talking to a brick wall.
He won’t yell, but he gets a pissy, condescending tone and almost talks down to you.
If you really push his buttons, his patience with this “useless” argument runs out.
“Oh please, listen to yourself! You’re acting like a dull child!”
Freezes as soon as it leaves his mouth.
He didn’t mean to say that.
He opens his mouth to apologize immediately, but upon seeing your hurt reaction he becomes flustered and can’t get the words out.
He’ll simply turn and leave. 
He’s absolutely furious with himself. 
Solomon is old and wise. He’s seen many things, been many places, and he knows many things.
Sometimes though, he needs a reminder that he doesn’t know everything.
Even if he still feels he was right, he knows name-calling is unacceptable.
In fact, he doesn’t miss the irony that he was the one being childish. 
His self-fury is replaced by overwhelming worry if you sleep in another room that night.
Of all the treasures he’s come across, none were as precious as you. 
He can’t stand the thought of losing you because of his thoughtlessness.
For once, he feels like an idiot.
He locks himself in his study that night and brainstorms on how to make it up to you.
He decides to approach you in the morning at RAD. He’s terrified that you think he actually meant the insult and wants to clear the air as soon as possible.
He’s afraid of you taking anything less than his highest praise to heart or for you to think that he views you as below himself. 
The thought of how he must have made you feel makes him sick to his stomach.
The more he thinks about it, the more his body demands that he act. 
While he has many virtues, patience is not high on his list. 
Assuming you returned to The House of Lamentation that night, he’ll text Asmo to explain what happened and asks if he’d let him in first thing in the morning.
Thus, when you leave to head for breakfast, be careful not to trip over your sorcerer who’s seated against the wall outside of your room.
He scrambles to his feet, his hair and clothes a mess and bags heavy under his eyes.
“MC! Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. I just- *sighs* I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. Would you be willing to discuss the matter again? The right way this time.”
If you do sleep with him, he’s at least relieved that you don’t seem like you plan to leave him.
Once again, however, he wants to clear the air as soon as he can.
You’ll both be sitting in silence as you get ready for bed. He’s clearly lost in thought, his eyes focused unblinking on his feet and any movements slow and disjointed.
He's not sure how to apologize, if it's too soon, and is afraid to make things worse if it's not an appropriate time.
However, seeing you move about the room he decides to risk it so he doesn't risk losing you.
Suddenly, he stands up straight and locks eyes with you.
“MC, we don’t have to talk about the fight tonight, but I need you to know that I didn’t mean what I said. I’m sorry.”
It’s up to you if you want to forgive him immediately, but he will at least apologize for the insult as soon as he gathers his thoughts.
Simeon:
If you yell at him, Simeon is just gonna sit there stunned
Your relationship is usually as laid back as he is, so he doesn't know what to do with you blowing up at him.
All he knows it that this is bad and he needs to find a way to make you happy again. 
The thought of losing you takes precedence over everything and, though he will not sway to your side just because you’re upset, the argument loses any worth it had to him.
He’ll go to Solomon almost immediately in hopes your fellow human might know better about how arguments are resolved between human couples.
He becomes very distressed when Solomon says everyone handles it differently. He then asks what he should to make up with you specifically.
He doesn't have a defined emotion right now, he's just on edge. He wants to gather information first and foremost so he can figure out what to do from there.
He’s just a walking ball of anxiety and those close to the angel even become concerned. No one has seen him like this before.
If you decide to sleep in another room, the anxiety just takes over. 
His chest feels like fiery chains are crushing his ribs, he can hear his heart is hammering in his head, and his body begins to shake as if he were buried in an avalanche.
He doesn’t realize he’s crying as he struggles to breathe.
Solomon had expected something like this may happen so he made sure to be nearby to help coach him though it.
Once he’s calmed down, Solomon urges him to talk to you as soon as possible.
Simeon isn't sure though. True, he wasn't in a good place, but he didn't want to push you if you weren't ready to talk.
He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t feel like he can think let alone coherently tell you how he feels.
He begins to feel overwhelmed again and decides to try writing down his thoughts in hopes of it helping him sort through the tsunami of emotions consuming him.
While it doesn't completely calm him down, it does help.
He stares down at the messy, tear blotted papee and has an idea.
The next morning you should expect to find a hand-written letter slipped under you door.
The letter is long and and rambling. His usually pristine handwriting is as shaky as his hands were when writing it.
It's not as dense and heartbroken as his original one, but the further it goes the more desperate his words become.
He writes about how much you mean to him and apologizes for allowing things to get that intense. He writes that he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you. 
He reminisces about his favorite memories of you two together more than once.
Finally, that no disagreement you two could ever have is more importantly to him than being with you.
It's really just a collection of everything sitting on his heart at the moment.
That day at RAD he’ll watch you from the sidelines and pray you approach him about the letter so you two can work things out.
If you still sleep in his bed, he’ll be very conflicted about if he should approach you yet. 
He’s afraid of making it worse if you’re still mad.
However, Simeon is an open book when it comes to his emotions so you will absolutely be able to tell that he’s freaking out.
So please, save the man a terrible night and talk it though with him.
He wants you to not be angry anymore, but even if you’re still upset just having concrete information to cling to will help him immensely. 
He’s thinking of all the worst case scenarios and needs reassurance that the relationship isn’t over.
Simeon will try to make up within a day, so however long it lasts after that is up to you.
Luke (MC is his best friend):
Luke will be very, very distressed. 
You’re his best friend aside from Simeon. Friends don’t fight like this, right?
Wait, so if you’re fighting with him, does that mean you’re not his friend anymore???
As soon as the thought enters his mind, he decides that must be the case. 
Real friends don’t fight with each other like this.
Externally he takes a “I don’t need a lousy human like you for a friend anyway” attitude. 
He’s not just testy with you though, anyone who interacts with him that day learns that chihuahuas bite.
Simeon immediately realizes something isn’t right and is very concerned.
As soon as he asks him what’s wrong, Luke's mask of anger is discarded and he tosses himself in the older angel’s arms crying hysterically.
He doesn’t want to lose you for a friend.
I doubt Luke has ever truly argued with someone so this uncharted territory is earth shattering to him.
Simeon, as he tries to calm Luke, he will text you and ask you to come to wherever they are immediately.
Because of Simeon’s intervention, the fight will only go undiscussed for a few hours max.
Again, sorry if I don’t know these characters as well as I’d like yet. Thank you for reading! 
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fxshigurosbae · 5 months ago
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THE PRETTY BOY ! megumi
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➞ synopsis: your pretty boy shows you his vulnerable side.
tws: mdni, gagging, oral sex, deep throating, praising, female domination, detailed smut.
pairing: adult megumi (19!) x female reader
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Soft touches, admiring his perfect naked body as you only covered your private parts with underwear and a bralette, sitting on his legs, hair down and slightly arched back. Him almost leaning against the bed frame, laying on the sheets.
It took way too long for you to end up in that position and it wasn’t important to remember how it happened.
You just knew he wanted it, you heard him say it, you saw him beg with his eyes, you quickly see him rise, getting hard just at the simple vision of you on that cute sexy pair of underwear.
Teasing Megumi’s lenght just to make him suffer a little, feeling him contracting his pelvis and contain his groans, staring at your hand struggling a bit to completely wrap around him. Touching his tip with your index finger, circling so vaguely it made his chest go up and down, glancing both at you and at what you were doing from time to time.
You pretended not to care and that you were being careless and unexperienced, acting innocent, yet he knew you, he knew all of your tricks, only hiding his anxiety which only you could trigger it on him.
“Gumi, is there something wrong?” Barely pumping him up and down, with such a sweet voice.
“I know what you’re doing.” He replied blushing, you can’t help but let out a giggle.
“Wanna see you crumble Gumi, for me, m’kay pretty boy?” You bit your lip, smiling too, you never knew his cheeks could become such a red color.
Slowly leaning forward, making eye contact with your boyfriend, you suddenly took him in your mouth, leisurely licking his rosed tip, kissing it gently as he tried bucking his hips up but your arms held his waist down, trying not to chuckle at his cute reaction. You were killing him by sliding his cock inside your mouth in such a measured way, his knuckles turning yellow from his hands fisting and holding onto the sheets.
Your little wet warm mouth felt wonderful even if not doing much, embracing his thick cock, concentrating on doing so. Once finally having reached a tolerable length you waited a few seconds to get used to the feeling, which you had already experienced before.
“Dear, please, do something.” He mumbled, his voice was so needy, you couldn’t make him wait any longer, otherwise it wouldn’t be fair to him.
Your head began finally going up and down in a more rapid and average pace, hearing Megumi groan louder for the first time, sending shivers down your spine.
That’s when you decided to continue pumping his shaft with your most skilled hand, bobbing your head faster, his back lifting a bit from the bed, making you excited.
“Hm, fuck.” He repeated several times lowly, still hearing only that wasn’t enough, you wanted more, you needed more.
Pulling your hand away, you held his waist down and almost entirely pulled your mouth out, lips touching only his tip now, staring at his eyes that looked back at you, breathing heavily.
Your heart was beating so fast, it was thrilling, him nearly coming undone to you.
Having his cock twitch once again, you immediately then took him all in your mouth, all the way down, feeling it deep down your throat, leading you to gag and hear an accidental moan come out of Megumi’s lips.
Fucking your throat, it began to burn, eyes water and back arch yet he was trying so hard not to moan, it was delightful.
“F-Fuck, Y/N, fuck.” He whispered, trying to keep his composure, one of his hands unconsciously gripping your hair, not pushing, not pulling, simply following your movements.
You backed up a bit, going once again at a tolerable limit, tears streaming down your face, whining lowly to send him vibrations.
Never imagining that out of a sudden, Megumi would start whimpering like that, it drove you insane, you instantly pulled out, pumping him with only one of your hands quickly, staring at him covering his eyes with his forearm, he noticed that you had stopped using your mouth so then he looked at you.
While you had tears drying on your face, salivated mouth and strings of the liquiddripping from the corner of your lips, Megumi, that nineteen years old guy looked so fucking vulnerable it was unbelievable, eyebrows furrowed, eyes barely open, mouth anxiously open, often biting his lips while fucking moaning and whimpering like a dog as you fucked his cock that seemed to have become harder at every second, his chest moving up and down non-stop searching for air, his legs slightly shaking and abs contracting repeatedly.
It was the most wonderful view of your entire life, even though he looked at you from above, you were the one in charge, the only one that could make him feel that way, your smooth lips kissed his tip covered in pre-cum with such love and passion, his hand once more intervening with the strands of your hair, throwing his head back, showing his sharp jawline and the veins on the side of his neck as well as his adam’s apple.
Slopping your pace as your hand became tired, you also let your tongue out, noticing how high pitched his whines became.
His hips thrusted up, trying to have your mouth around him once more but it didn’t work, you heard longer and lower grunts coming from him as he for the last time moaned and suddenly shot his cum all over your mouth, tongue and cheeks. Before he could finish you took him in your mouth like he wished you’d to get some of his warm liquid to fulfill you.
Once he calmed down, groaning as you pulled out, showing him all the cum inside your mouth.
“Swallow it.” His voice was now raspy, eyes getting intimidating like usual, he changed completely and you did as he demanded. “Good girl.”
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still-a-morosexual-help · 2 months ago
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Hey there beautiful person, there is something I'd like to know your opinion on.
In season 4, do you think Mammon fell out of love with the MC or are the devs desperately trying to make him unlikable?
- A fellow Mammon stan
Dude I love you (whoever you are) but I instantly wanted to smack you upside the head😀
Here's why Mammon's gone back to his more tsundere personality in S4
Regressing to a phase where you feel protected, when you no longer feel secure/when things are unstable is normal
And we know the brothers are all feeling the effects of the new characters because the twins already brought it up and those effects were strong enough to piss off both Belphie and Beel
While we haven't had as many Mammon moments in S4 as we have had in the previous seasons (understandable because they need to set up 3 new characters) I'm not sure how they can be seen as him falling out of love with MC or as being unlikeable because the devs have had to compensate the lack of Mammon by making every appearance of his pure gold :
1. He's back to being a S1 level tsundere when he meets MC again ^ which the above link talks about
2. He's been sneaking downstairs, multiple times, to read MC's letters when he thinks no one is there
3. When he & Levi temporarily semi switch personalities and a lot of his insecurities come out (link)
4. The first moment he showed romantic/sexual interest in a canonical male character (link)
5. The reason he showed that interest is because that character reminded him of MC
6. He describes MC's personality as "fiery with an occasional cute side"
7. Holds hands with MC while walking around RAD
8. Reassures MC after Mephisto is being (a racist) little bitch (link)
9. Despite being the least violent of the brothers, he's immediately ready to throw hands with anyone who doesn't like MC/approve of them joining the Council because they're human (link) (link)
10. Throws his whole back into finding the card for MC (dude was on the fucking roof) (link)
11. Cat! Mammon. That's it. Okay no that's not it, MC calls him "cute" and he just blushes and looks all bashful and meows and help me (link)
12. Calmed Satan down from a temper tantrum (in a way that was very similar to how one would calm down a child throwing a temper tantrum hinting that Mammon was used to this) (link)
13. Uses Satan being calm to steal the magical rope from him
14. Talks MC's and Lucifer's team out of trying to kill each other and destroying RAD and makes them play a game instead
15. Successfully lies to and tricks the two people who know him the best in the three worlds (Lucifer & MC) and steals from them
16. He manipulated the fuck outta Lucifer & MC's teams and Satan. We haven't seen Mammon using his knowledge of people and how they'd react to situations in order to manipulate them and get what he wants, since S1 and as always it was amazing! (link)
17. The only reason he lost was because he didn't read the name on the fucking book. Iconic✨ (link)
18. Immediately picks up that something was wrong with Simeon when the Chimera attacked
19. Rivalry with Thirteen (or at least they're always sniping at each other when they're together) (link)
20. Questioned Simeon about what was wrong with him, looked to MC for support because he trusts them and Immediately realised that the "adults" were keeping secrets from them (link)
21. Cheering for his team and then immediately turning around and chucking rocks at the other teams but not having the arm strength for the rocks to reach them was hilarious (link)
22. Didn't even try to disguise the fact that he was worried about Luke. Straight up admitted to caring about Luke more than he cared about aby type of prize. And Luke's responses to Mammon were amazing too (link)
23. Was the only one to wait for MC while they spoke with Diavolo (link)
24. Was willing to let Belphie tag along with him & MC despite the fact that he's hardly spent any time with MC
25. Took note of the taco truck to tell Beel (link)
26. Cute taco truck date with him & MC that included kissing and sharing food (link) (link)
27. Nagged Raphael into showing them his boring ass room and reminisced about the Celestial Realm with him (despite the fact that he seemed initially upset that Raphael was in the Devildom)
28. Was worried about Simeon (link)
29. Has been paying special attention to Simeon since S3 and cataloguing each off moment
30. Already knows what's wrong and who is probably behind it, just doesn't know the full story (link)
31. Despite being the least violent/the most difficult to genuinely anger he got pissed on Simeon's behalf
32. Despite Michael's punishments still making him shiver after thousands of years he was ready to throw hands with Michael on Simeon's behalf (link)
33. Backed off when MC told him to calm down/when Simeon told him he needed more time to process everything
34. Immediately started recalibratung after Luke barged in and you can see the distinct difference between when he called Luke "chihuahua" at that moment vs a normal moment (link)
35. Comfort lunch pancakes that MC put their entire back into (link)
36. The fucking banter!!???? Made me miss my mates cause that's the kinda shit we'd say to each other ("that's a good servant" or something like that to MC saying "well where's my thanks then" to Mammon starting to gush aboout how MC's the best. Or alternatively "I'm not your servant" to "right! More like a lakey")
37. In reply to MC saying "I'm home" when they return to the HoL after S3 "Do you know how long I've been waiting for you?"
38. He forgets easy words and stutters because of it and that's very meaningful to me cause that's the kinda shit I pull (link)
39. I'm absolutely in love with each time he just calls MC out (link)
40. Luke mimicking Mammon (link)
It's S4 that inspired me to make this post because I couldn't contain the overwhelming love I was feeling for Mammon
Jerk with a Heart of Gold
And this theory post about Raphael, Mammon and Lucifer's relationships with each other
The Golden Child Vs. The Troublemaker
And for the people who are somehow still managing to simultaneously dig too deep into the "servant" thing AND take it purely at it's surface value:
What it's like to have a best friend like Mammon, P1
P2
I get that everyone has their preferences but bro I think we might be playing two completely different seasons, maybe even games damn 😭😭😭😭💀
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ASO s1e9 bits that will force you to build character:
Ally: we all played Crash Bandicoot on Gnosis at 4am
Zac miming his nat 1 perception, Emily deciding he got a nat 21
Amercadian: I LOVE MY COUNTRY! Skip: Ugh, was that me?
Nat 20s look good on Murph... And that table looks great on Barry
Murph and Brennan both using Barry lifting a table as an excuse to flex, and you know what, good for them.
Ally, narrator voice: You see... Tigers. Entering,, the atmosphere.
Siobhan is right. They're getting out of here waaay too easily and that makes me afraid
Emily's revenge crit, what poetry
All that and then Barry just chucked the table onto the ground in front of some guys
Handing out drink vouchers and promoting Barry's Big Win Casino mid-escape. The hustle never sleeps
Gunnie's knowing nod to Sid. Confidence looks so good on him.
Riva psychically button mashing would have been lovely but I'd rather listen to Siobhan strategize all day. Making a guy yell "I'm gonna KILL YOU" at his lieutenant is so good
Marge only handing out compliments strategically, surprisingly wholesome
Norman Skip-town-amori
Riva: Watch out! Marge: You're doing such a good job. *Skip expertly pilots over a rad jump with his crew's support in his ears* (I just love how much they all take care of each other)
Emily: I can't not light that birthday cake.
Amercadian: YOU'LL SEE JUSTICE! Riva: Who's justice?
Skip's jump-density-based decision making
Gonna need a whole AU where Sid got the chance to light that birthday cake
Brennan seemed so tilted over his lieutenant failing his roll. ...oh that gives Emily an auto crit. Nevermind, he was correct to despair. ... ...ONLY SIX?
Sid hides behind Big Barry and just like, <3
Murph merely suggesting that he might do another jump. Brennan: jeeeeezus christ
(all of the PCs are working so hard to strategize. Stakes are higher than ACOC.)
You're about to get fucked up Barry Style
Gunnie to Sid: Are we taking two ships? Sid to Barry: Are we taking two ships? Barry *thumbs up* Sid: *thumbs up*
Gunnie just checking in, screaming over the wind to make sure Barry is ok
Skip: I love the drama of it.
Riva: Are you ready for this? Sid: I think so. ...WHAAAAAAHUUUUU
Marge puts her phone on Do Not Disturb for the first time... Nine episodes in
Sid has never been a pilot before 🥺
Beyblade Ally complimenting Emily's rolling ability despite "these narrow-ass rolling trays."
Barry at the guy who just tossed Sid: You fucked up. *Nat 20* (again!!) And he just trusts that she'll make her way back to the ship controls >∆<
Last surviving solider *deals 4 damage to Barry.* Barry: you absolute fool. It looks like you wanna get thrown from a skiff. Soldier: hehe well, we'll see about that! *primitively flops off the skiff*
It's half way through the ep and they've already made it to the ship. I'm so proud and so scared
Skip: Hurry! Gunnie: Tip the Chesters! (awww who knew a bunch of techs putting coke in their work cubbies could be so goddamn sweet)
Loose Duke got hit by a fleeing cop but Brennan will never convince Emily he's not on the ship. Emily: I need to crit to know.
Riva doing a fun, campy lil underwater dance for everyone's benefit. Skip: Is everyone dancing?
Marge *earnestly advising everyone to Get Nasty. Hits slot machine. Tres leches.* Amirite?
Ally: look I don't know what to tell you Brennan... *Lou loses it*
Now THIS is skiff racing
Emily remembering that she rerolls nat 1s is pure serotonin
Barry critting on 19s and Murph is rolling fire
I love Brennan's descriptions of how ship-based Riva is aiding everyone.
FFS ANOTHER MURPH NAT 20 some curse somewhere has been broken. Welcome to the pantheon of dice deities you big lucky boy
Emily: Come on baby. Lou: Come on baby.
Brennan: *here's this risky-ass bs you might wanna pull* Zac: I gotta do that. What are we doing if I don't do that? Sorry
Hate to see a D6 in the Box of Doom. (FIIIIVE)
the fuck-yeah music and Riva getting overwhelmed with the "woo! chug! chug! we're gonna make the jump bro" energy
Gunnie going so hard at engineering that he hurts the ship hull. (I imagine he's getting crazy focused and just kicking the wall while he's standing at a desk doing math)
How many nat 20s is that??
Gunnie "Daddy Power Dice" Miggles-Rashbax
(typing out their name makes me wonder about Gunnie's dads. How are they doing? Do they know how incredible their little boy is?)
Skip: That was for you, Gunnie!
Skip: Maybe we don't do a casino next time. Gunnie: oh okAY--!
Last power die! Full cover! Skip you're such a good captain!
Zac: Daddy Power Die, is that ok? Daddy Power Die: Of course! Daddy Power Die can make more dice later!
Sid's gunner pod scraping the side of the canyon wall and she's grabbing a tortoise as it jumps onto the ship
Riva: THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT'S COMING! THE GOVERNMENT! YOU HATE THE GOVERNMENT! THE GOVERNMENT'S TRYING TO TAKE YER JERBS!
Murph: how many libertarian skiff channels do we need?
Some libertarian skiff channel: Copy that. That's a 10-4. I been waiting. I got a nuke in my backyard
ty Ally for pointing out that it's someone with a British accent fully succeeding with this good ole fashioned GOP gibberish. That makes it so much better
Emily (to Murph, about to expend her superiority die on fuckin a dude up): Or do you want me to do the Distracting Shot? You like that Distracting Shot, right? Murph: I love that Distracting Shot. Emily: Ok I'm gonna expend it to do that Distracting Shot...
Han Solo Skip, what a slippery lil frickin weiner.
Skip: Nasty!
I don't understand this system well enough to judge it but it's lovely that Brennan is so taken by it
Hell yes Siobhan you deserve that dab
Portent Rolls are the absolute best mechanic in 5E hands down, no counters will be considered
Lou: Big Six! Zac: Six. Big! Barry! Syx!
Love the average Baustionian just being READY to start spamming space cops. They made such a difference
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yanderes-galore · a month ago
Note
I LOVED your yandere scp 49 headcannons, and I was wondering if you could do a oneshot (or headcannons, whatever you prefer) of him x d-class reader ( fem or gn pronouns)during a security breach? If not, that’s ok, makes just to enjoy your day and remember that your beautiful just the way you are =]
Sure! I had so much writer's block on this, I hope this was fine :)
Cure
Yandere! SCP-049 with D-Class! Darling Scenario
Possible Trigger Warnings: Slight possessive behavior, Mass murder, Zombies, Death, Slight obsession, Vague Yandere behavior, Slight strong language.
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Alarms blared everywhere in Site 19. Chaos ensued along with orders being barked at everyone. An SCP was on the loose and you didn't want to stick around too long.
You wanted to leave, this being a chance to change your fate. The bright orange jumpsuit you wore made it obvious of what you were meant to be.
Disposable.
Yet with this SCP on the loose you felt you could change that. You didn't have to be a guinea pig anymore. Perhaps you didn't have to die in vain.
You'd rather die fighting than letting yourself be some pawn in these experiments.
Softly and quietly you paced about the facility. Screams echoed through corridors, you needed to act fast. Stay here any longer and you'd be as good as dead.
What goes on in this facility was enough to break the mind of anyone.
Was that a more preferable fate?
You thought back on the tests you were subjected to here while you made your way through the already bloody building.
------
"You are meant to interview me again?"
You're hesitant in front of the plague doctor SCP. Hard to see eyes studied you carefully before jotting down notes.
"Yes... I am meant to ask you questions before being returned to my... cell."
You're ridiculously on edge on front of 049, what you were told the SCP was called.
Its touch could kill so you needed to be careful.
"...I see. You look well, no sense of disease as of currently. Just like usual."
You look down to the jade ring on your hand. That ring was the only thing keeping you alive and well. It seems your higher-ups didn't want you dead quite yet.
"Yeah, thanks for noticing. Now, let's get this over with. I'm sure you also want this done quick?"
The SCP looks you up and down before humming in thought.
"I can see where you're coming from. Although you are someone I enjoy talking to."
You don't think too much on it before taking interview notes after asking questions. The SCP, in return, taking notes of its own.
Every meeting you were either given SCP-714, or a special injection to prevent 049 from harming you. You wondered if they didn't kill you yet because the Euclid SCP liked you.
SCP-049, the plague doctor, was the SCP you were assigned with for interviews. Luckily not being a D-Class they wished to sacrifice yet.
For now you took it as a much better fate than death but you felt like you were walking on eggshells. What if you said something wrong and pissed 049 off?
Then you'd definitely be left for dead.
"Permission to ask you something, (Y/N)?"
You're caught off guard by the sudden question fired back at you. Especially being addressed by your name instead of the number you told it to address you as.
"I guess...?"
"... How's it feel to be caged here?"
You pause, unsure how to answer.
"I'm not dumb. I know what those orange jumpsuits mean. Don't you ever wish to leave?"
"I wish I could ask you the same. How do you feel about being locked up?"
"I came here of my own free will. You, I can tell, have not."
"Well...I-"
There's a crackling from the overhead speaker. 049 watches when you jump in fear and look at it. Utterly helpless, forced to listen to the orders you're given.
"D-Class, the interview will now be terminated. Do not talk about off-topic questions."
Guards soon enter the room and grab you harshly. You sigh before being escorted out. 049 narrows its eyes but never makes any attempt to be hostile.
At least, for now
------
SCP-049 wasn't too bad to work with. Which was ironic to say because the speakers were blaring that 049 had breached containment.
Aggressive zombie like corpses wandered the halls, varying in appearance. Some were guards, some even were other D-Class. Others were unlucky scientists.
Unable to have access to the syringes they sometimes gave you, SCP-714 was your best bet. Even if the ring made you sluggish and tired.
You wondered what 049's end goal was. But, for now, you had one goal. Making yourself immune to the 'cure' 049 would eventually throw your way.
"Why must you all resist... I am simply curing you of your illness."
You quietly peak around a corner, keycard in hand. That voice was unmistakably SCP-049. It seemed he had found another victim, rather focused on a screaming scientist.
While looking for the right door to the SCP you were looking for, you wondered if 049 would spare you. You two always talked for interviews. 049 even seemed to like you.
Then again, you were always protected of disease from outside help.
You never realized just how much danger you were truly in without that ring until a zombie spotted you, either
"What are you... Ah? (Y/N). It's been awhile. I will admit I missed you since our last visit."
You stare doe-eyed at the SCP. A small laugh coming from it while it scrawled in a notebook.
"Don't bother running off. You and I both know how fast I am. I really don't want to rush this too much.
049 walks closer to you slowly, observing you.
"049-"
"(Y/N), are you feeling okay? Those guard have such an... infectious touch."
You're shaking, breathing labored. You had no protection against this creature's touch.
"In... all honesty I'm nervous-"
"You're scared of my treatment, aren't you? I will be gentle when curing you. I need to get rid of their mark."
049 caught on fast.
"You could put it like that.... Please, 049, just let me go. We're close, aren't we?"
"Yes. But for that same reason I don't want you to leave just yet."
You back up, keeping out of reach of the SCP's hands.
"What do you want?"
"Would saying 'you' be adequate?"
"Don't get smart with me.... Why me?"
"Well, you're the healthiest of the others in this facility. It would be a shame to lose you to, say, a gunshot. That or another unclean SCP, right? I need to keep you pure."
You narrow your eyes.
"Perhaps you're more dense than I thought...."
"And?"
You're cornered, the SCP glaring you down.
"I only wish to keep you here with me, free from all disease. I will be your cure. Now, submit yourself to me, (Y/N)."
You could barely react when the hand of the creature clasps itself on your shoulder.
"You are one of my best patients. I promise I'll keep you with me in good health. All because I think I found myself adoring you."
With that, you found yourself giving your last breath.
Cured, within the eyes of SCP-049.
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queen-haq · 8 months ago
Text
Fic: A Woman Scorned - Part 19
Fic: A Woman Scorned - Part 19
Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader
Rating: R for language and smut.
Words: ~3000 words.
Summary: You’ve been sleeping with Billy Russo for a few months now. Knowing his aversion to emotional commitments, you’re satisfied with your clandestine arrangement until you catch him having dinner with Dinah Madani one night. Then it finally dawns on you. It’s not that he doesn’t want to commit, he just doesn’t want to commit to *you*.
Billy may think he knows you, but he has no idea what he’s just lost…
Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 4   Part 5   Part 6   Part 7   Part 8   Part 9   Part 10   Part 11   Part 12   Part 13   Part 14   Part 15  Part 16 Part 17  Part 18
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credit: @bnbrns
Part 19
For a minute Billy contemplated letting you leave. You were pissed at him, you probably needed some space, and if he was a good guy maybe he would have let you calm down before pushing you to talk about all that – but he also knew you. You were always looking for reasons to end things and letting you walk away would be giving you permission to do just that. Well, fuck that. He wasn’t going to give you an easy out.
You were already outside the dive bar when Billy rushed towards you, whirling you around to face him.
“You really think I’m gonna let you leave?”
“Go back inside, Billy.” There was resignation on your face, which scared him. Because if you weren’t even angry enough to fight, he knew he already lost.
“You wanna know why I didn’t tell them? This.” He waved his fingers back and forth between him and you. “Those guys in there? We’ve been through fucking hell for each other. I’d kill for them. Hell, I’d even die for them if I had to.” But they don’t know me like you do. The words flitted through his brain but he didn’t vocalize them; he was too angry. “The second I tell them about you, things change. I become a different guy. They don’t see me the same way anymore because of how I feel about you. Fucking great, right?” Sarcasm saturated his tone. “Except you’ve always got one foot out the door. I tell them about you tonight. Tomorrow you’re blocking me for some bullshit reason. How do I save face then, huh?” He angled you closer, forcing you to look at him. “How do I get over you if I change my whole fucking life for you?”
You shoved his hands away, stepping back. “You don’t think I worry about the same thing when it comes to you?”
“I’m not the one always threatening to break things off,” he pointed out.
“And why is it I do that? Maybe it’s because I don’t know where I stand with you!”
“Are you fucking kidding me? The only reason we’re even together is because of me! Because I’m the one who always fucking fights for us!” He yelled back. “If I didn’t push-”
“That’s right, Billy, you push. You pushed yourself into my life, showing up at my business dinner with my boss, crashing my friends’ parties. You do all of that, you force your way in but then you won’t even acknowledge me as something more when we meet your friends?” You shook your head, agitated. “Why is it that you get to make decisions about how I impact your life but you won’t let me do the same with mine? You think that’s fair, Billy?”
The thought of losing you made him completely crazy. Worse, it left him feeling utterly alone and powerless, something he swore he was never going to feel again after growing up in all those fucking group homes. Maybe it wasn’t fair, maybe he was an asshole, but if fighting dirty meant not losing you, he didn’t regret a damn thing. “I don’t give a fuck about fair, Y/N. You’re mine. I’ll do whatever it takes to hold on to you.”
“Then stop pushing me away!”
“You think that’s what I want?” Agitated, he ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to you. All I know is if I fuck up you’ll run, which makes me fuck up even more.” He took your hand and held it to his chest, trying desperately to make you understand. “I can’t lose you. I won’t!”
You withdrew your hand, and the forced separation felt like a hard punch to his gut.
“You could have told me about introducing me as your friend, Billy. I would have understood.”
Despite the hurt gleaming in your eyes, he couldn’t let you get away with your bullshit. “Really? ‘cause I think you’re lying.” He challenged you. “We both know you’d use this as another reason to hide from me.”
“Why did you even invite me tonight?” you snapped.
“Because you’re important to me, and I wanted you to meet my friends.”
“On your own terms,” you muttered.
“Yeah, fine. It was a messed up thing to do. I get it.” He reached for your hand, linking his fingers through yours. “I’m sorry.”
“You hurt me.”
“I know.” His stomach coiled into knots, his insides thrummed with pain. All he wanted was to make you happy but he managed to fuck it up by being an asshole. “How do I fix this?” As a heavy sigh escaped your lips, his heart stated pounding in his chest. Dread unfurled in his stomach, sweeping through his veins as he sensed you pulling away and abandoning him. No. He wasn’t going to let you do this. No fucking way. “If you’re about to tell me you need some time or space or some other bullshit like that, the answer is no.”
“Even when you’re apologizing, you’re giving me orders.”
“Just saying break-up is off the table.”
“You keep saying that but when I walk away from you during fights, it’s not for good. It’s my way of diffusing the situation.”
You glanced down at your intertwined hands, your mind seemingly far, far away. Anguish flickered over your face and it took every bit of strength he had not to shake you out of your stupor. “You worried I’m gonna hit you?” Anxiety surged through him. “I’d never do that. You have my word.”
“I believe you,” you finally spoke, meeting his gaze. “But when we’re fighting or I’m scared or… whenever things get tense, my instinct is to get out. It’s not about you, it’s about protecting myself.”
“Because of your parents.”
You tensed immediately, blinking a few times as if trying to get your emotions under control. “You looked into my past.”
He squeezed your hand. “Yeah.”
“And that makes you think you know me.”
Your words may have been bitter but he could hear the underlying sadness behind them. Before he could hold you and comfort you, Frank, Curtis and everyone else came out of the bar. Billy felt you trying to pull your hand away from his grip but he held on tight.
“You guys are out here? We thought you took off,” Frank said.
Billy saw the glint in Frank’s eyes but was surprised when his buddy didn’t call him out for holding your hand. Despite the shit Billy had given him over the years for being Maria’s lapdog, Frankie chose not to razz him in front of you. No doubt for your benefit rather than his.
“Yeah, just getting some fresh air,” Billy replied.
“You around next weekend? Thinking of holding a poker game,” Curtis asked.
Still chatting with Frank and Curtis, Billy kept his ears attuned to the conversation you exchanged with Karen and Madani. You made some kind of plans to meet up with them after your trip to Paris – something he definitely wasn’t comfortable with. He didn’t like the idea of you and Madani getting along, let alone being friends. Hell, he didn’t understand why you’d even want that. Billy tried to imagine being friends with someone you slept with but the thought filled him with so much rage and disgust it was impossible. Yet you had no issues hanging out with Madani, and a part of him worried it was because you didn’t feel as strongly about him as he did you.
“It was really good to meet you guys,” you said to the group.
“Yeah, let’s hang out after your trip to Paris. I wanna hear if you and that boss of yours make a love connection,” Curtis teased, winking at Billy.
“Yeah, yeah, enough of that shit. There’s not going to be any fucking love connection,” Billy replied, playfully shoving Curtis away.
After everyone left, Billy and you remained on the sidewalk. He watched you closely while you avoided his gaze, and his heart squeezed at how vulnerable you looked at that moment. Bringing your hand to his lips, he kissed the back of your palm. “Want to go get something to eat?”
You finally locked eyes with him. “I’m not hungry. Can you drop me home?”
“I need to pick up a few things from my place.”
“You’re staying over tonight?”
Although irritated by your question, he stifled the urge to snap back. “If you want me to.” When you didn’t answer right away, his insecurities threatened to overwhelm him and he desperately needed some assurance that you still wanted him.
“Of course I do.”
It was like he could breathe again, he felt alive. He closed his arms around you, holding you tight. He didn’t know how but just breathing you in made him feel calm and relaxed, and not like he was in a rush to conquer the world. Ambition and drive fueled him for so long, the urgency to make something of himself so he never felt like his younger, pathetic self again, but it wasn’t until you came along that he actually experienced happiness. He used to think having peace of mind, being content, all of that frou frou bullshit was the kiss of death when it came to achieving success but now he realized how wrong he was. He still had major aspirations but now he was also doing it for you, to see the pride in your eyes when he defied expectations.
“Can we take the long way home?” you asked.
He cradled your face in his hands. “Babe, we can do whatever you want,” he murmured, dropping a gentle kiss on your lips.
Fingers threaded together, the two of you started walking back to his car.
***
As Billy drove back to his place, you were quiet throughout the whole ride, staring out the passenger window. He reached over occasionally to rub your thigh or brush your hair and you’d turn your head to look at him and smile but he sensed that you were lost in thought. It hurt to see you like this, especially knowing he was responsible for dredging up the painful memories that you were caught up in.
“Can we stop by the park? I don’t want to go home quite yet,” you asked.
“Sure. The one by my apartment?”
“Yeah, I like that one.”
Shortly after, the two of you were seated on a bench in the deserted park. The crisp autumn air nipped at his skin and he felt you shiver next to him. He hugged you tighter, trying to keep you warm.
“What did it say?” you asked, breaking the silence.
“What?”
“What you dug up on me, about my parents.”
He exhaled a deep breath. As much as he’d wanted this to happen, he hated the idea of you being in pain. “That you came to school with bruises and the teachers called in child services.” Sitting next to you, he tried to gauge your emotions but in the darkness, with only half of your face visible to him, he couldn’t decipher anything.
“That was the last time I ever told anyone about what he was like.” Your voice was quiet, distant. “Because I realized there was no point. No one was going to save me. They still sent me back to him and he learned not to leave visible bruises.”
Red-hot rage rushed through him. Even though he’d made the same assumption a long time ago, hearing you finally confirm his suspicions made his insides twist and filled him with so much fury he wanted to scream. No, he wanted to find your father and torture the life out of him. Break him limb by limb like he’d done with Arthur.
“Things would be good, and then boom.” You snapped your finger. “I’d say the wrong thing, or maybe I didn’t do what I was supposed to. Sometimes it wasn’t me, it was my mother. Other times it was nothing at all, but none of that mattered because there was always sheer hell to pay. The thing is, even when he lost his temper, he was so methodical about it. He’d turn the TV up, put the curtains down, so nobody could hear us.” You swallowed an audible breath. “I learned a long time ago to deal with violence.”
He squeezed your hand, breathing slowly to control the anger in him. After all this time you were finally sharing with him everything that happened and he didn’t want his own goddamn temper to deter you from that.
“I used to beg her to leave him but she never would. There was always an excuse.” A bitter laugh escaped your throat. “What really pissed me off was that she wouldn’t let me go either. Every time I thought about taking off, she’d remind me that I was signing her death warrant. Without me there, she’d bear the brunt of his anger. So I had to be her bodyguard, her protector. She drilled that into me since I was a kid. Not only was she stuck, so was I.”
The tension in you was obvious, and he started rubbing your back to help alleviate some of your anxiety.
“College was my escape. I did a lot of shady shit to save up for it. I even managed to get a scholarship, but my mom… she tried every trick in the book to get me to stay. I realized though if I didn’t leave then, I never would. Enough was enough. Took me years to get over it and realize we all make our own choices.” You finally turned to him, your eyes haunted. “I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my life for either of them."
He tucked a loose strand of your hair behind your ear. “Where are they now?”
“Still in Chicago.” You shrugged your shoulders. “I send them money every month-”
“Why the fuck would you do that? They deserve nothing from you!” he bit out angrily.
“It’s not for them, it’s for me. The money comes with conditions. They’re not allowed to ever contact me.”
You took him by surprise when you closed your mouth over his, kissing him softly at first before the kiss became more heated, urgent, the two of you devouring each other. In the back of his mind he knew he should have pulled away, you weren’t done talking yet, this was probably your way of distracting yourself from the pain, but he couldn’t. You needed him.
One minute your hands were pulling at his jacket, the next your fingers were unzipping his jeans. Mouth crushed against yours, he groaned as you pumped his cock with your hand while he simultaneously tried to remove your jeans and rip away your panties.
Straddled atop his thighs, you lowered onto his cock slowly, taking your time. As you took him in little by little until he bottomed out, your pussy felt warm and heavenly. Being inside you was incredible, the most incredible fucking sensation in the world, and all the urgency that existed seconds earlier dissipated instantly. Everything slowed down, the world came to a stand still. The sheer pleasure from your pussy sheathing him rushed through him like a tidal wave, his heart pounding in his chest. His hands clung to your hips while he waited for you to take charge but you didn’t move. Instead your eyes held him hypnotized, filled with fucking lust and need, your beautiful mouth half-open.
“This, this is when I feel the most safe,” you finally spoke.
He studied every inch of your face, taking in the little bits of pleasure that flickered over your expression every time he shifted and your pussy clenched around him.
“When you’re inside me, and you’re looking at me like this.” Your hips ground against him and he groaned inadvertently, trying to focus on your words even though it took everything in him to concentrate. “Or when you’re holding me and we’re just lying in bed together.” You circled your hips around his cock, eliciting another guttural moan from him. “You make me feel protected.”
Billy didn’t know how to describe this strange feeling that came over him. It wasn’t just physical, not really. Sex was sex, but with you it was so much more. He never wanted this intense connection with you to end. Overcome by emotion, his lips grazed your temple. When your eyes closed, he dropped tender kisses on your eyelids, along the curve of your nose, your cheeks, your lips.
“You’re safe with me too, Billy,” you murmured, cupping his face.
The thought of losing you was so frightening at times he broke out in a cold sweat over it. “Am I?”
“I’ll never leave you,” you whispered, curling and thrusting your hips forward. “I might walk away when we fight, but I’ll always come back.”
His hand gripped the back of your head, the other delved between your thighs so he could tease your clit. “You swear?”
“Yes.” You mewled, pulsing against him. “Always. I swear.”
In that moment, he finally believed you.
Part 20
As always, comments, messages and reblogs are loved and cherished. I hope this chapter isn't a disappointment; I know some of you were waiting for the reader to open up to Billy for a while.
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goosical · 3 months ago
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.・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・.
top ten ways to shoot your shot
pt 1 , pt 2 , pt 3 , etc.
pairing ; adrian chase x fem reader
warnings ; a lil bit of violence
summary ; how does a cute, very much asleep, boy make a highly skilled assassin deter from completing their hit? no really, how? because this sharpshooter would really love to know.
word count ; 1282
a/n ; alright anon, here’s pt 1 for this request! only kind of major change is that adrian and reader aren’t going to have an already established relationship. v excited to continue the series tho :D
.・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・.
A simple hit.
That's all this was supposed to be.
He was sitting right in front of you. Well, more accurately, he was sitting two hundred feet away from you, but still. This was checkmate, and the poor guy didn't even know it.
One press of the trigger was all it took. You'd done it before, hell, you'd done it more times than you could count. So why was this so difficult?
Pulling away from the stock of your sniper, you did a quick once over of the body of the gun. It looked fine to you. Everything was right where it should be. Safety was off, magazine securely in place. The bullet was in the fucking barrel for Christ's sake.
Huffing out a breath of hot air, you repositioned yourself behind the scope, realigning the crosshairs over the man's torso.
Carefully, you raised your pointer to the trigger. One more deep breath, and then...
Nothing. You were paralyzed, body autonomy thrown out the window.
"Fuck." You whispered to no one in particular. "Just... Shoot him." Easier said than done, apparently.
Another moment of concentration.
"Who falls asleep in front of a window?" You groaned before turning over to lay on your back, abandoning the sniper rifle entirely.
You didn't even know how long you had been there, and honestly you didn't feel like checking. You really didn't feel like humiliating yourself by calculating how long it had taken you to assassinate this guy.
Too long. That's how long it had been.
"Why is this so hard for you?" You mumbled, staring up at the hazy stars. You wish you had an answer for yourself, you really did. You began compiling a mental list of possibilities as to why you just couldn't bring yourself to kill him.
You had killed attractive people before, so it couldn't have been that. Did you know him? No, you would've remembered his face. Did you suddenly grow a conscious? The thought was almost enough to make you laugh.
So, what was it then?
Frustrated, you rolled back over, bringing the stock up to your cheek.
Fuck. Fuck.
Where did he go? He was sitting right there two minutes ago. Shit, shit, shit, this was not good. You checked the scope again, praying that you were just looking through the wrong window.
Nope, you lost him.
You didn't even time to properly freak out until you heard it. The one noise that keeps all sharpshooters awake at night. The footsteps of your prey.
In one swift movement, you brought yourself to your feet and went for the handgun in your holster. However, before you could lay so much as a finger on it, you made out the distinct click that could only be described as the cocking of a pistol.
Out of options for now, you conceded, raising your hands in the air while slowly turning around to face your hit.
There he stood, maybe twenty feet away, dressed in his pajamas, save for the mask hiding the features you had practically memorized from how long you had peered at him through a scope.
And he had the sights of a Glock 19 aimed right for you.
"I've already seen your face." You mused, opting to stall until you could come up with a better plan. The man paused for a moment before responding.
"That was my roommate, not me." He replied cynically, tightening his grip on the gun.
"You often match pajama's with your roommate?" You giggled. "Or only on nights that you're getting assassinated?" You let out a small smirk, barely visible in the soft light from the street lamps below.
He faltered for just an instant, which was all you needed to retaliate.
In the blink of an eye, you ran to him. Disarming him was quick and simple; all it took was throwing the back of your wrist into his while tightly gripping the gun with your opposite hand. You tossed the gun aside, shifting your other arm further up his own, stopping at his shoulder.
One firm push, plus a sharp kick to the back of his knee, had him on the floor. The attack took maybe five seconds.
He fell with a small squeal. On any other day, he probably would've been able to evade the move. In his defense, he had just woken up.
You positioned yourself over him, one knee on his chest and the other keeping you sturdy on the ground. Somewhere in the ordeal, you had armed yourself with your own pistol, which was now carefully trained at his forehead.
Your chest rose and fell at a brisk pace, exhilarated from the encounter. Sharpshooter's rarely got to experience action like this, seeing as all their murder was committed from quite a ways away.
"Not cool." Your hit argued, eliciting a laugh from you. "What do you even want from me?" He asked, exasperated. That was a good question.
"I already told you-"
"If you were assassinating me, wouldn't I be dead already?" You raised your brows, a little taken aback by the cheeky question. "Or are you just a really bad assassin?" You could hear the stupid smile from behind the mask.
Now, how would one go about answering such a question? Obviously, no, you weren't a bad assassin. And you weren't just being conceited. Your pride was backed by years of experience and raving reviews. This was an isolated incident. It shouldn't have been an incident at all.
"C'mon, even I'm getting bored! Are you gonna shoot me or not?" His tone was almost playful. You readjusted yourself, clearing your throat.
"What? A girl can't play with her food before she eats?" You could've sworn you heard him chuckle a little.
"Not if she sucks at her job." He teased, causing you to raise a brow.
"That doesn't make any sense." You pursed your lips, almost amused by the strangeness of the boy below you.
"You suck at your job." He reiterated, which didn't really help your comprehension.
"I could have you bleeding out on the roof of this building whenever I want." Your voice tightened. You didn't want to get too cocky. If what the file you were given on this guy was right, this had the possibility of turning sour very quickly.
"Then why haven't you done it already?" The question wasn't condescending as you expected it to be. It was more curious than anything.
"I don't know." You answered honestly. The reply came as a shock to him, evidenced by his silence.
"Well this has been great," He started after a while. "But your knee digging in my chest kind of hurts so I would appreciate it if you got off of me." You quirked your head to the side, then leaned in closer to him, barrel of the gun now resting on his mask.
"And what if I say no?" You breathed out. He simply shrugged in response, before turning his attention to something, or rather someone, behind you.
You weren't even given the time to react before everything went black.
Fuck.
.・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・.
tag list ; lemme know if u wanna get added for either a specific character or the series!
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agentofbarnes · a year ago
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Could you write something with jealous Chris Evans?? 🤞🏽
Jealous, Cap?
request | Could you write something with jealous Chris Evans?? 🤞🏽
summary | your poor boyfriend just wants you to himself
warnings | smut, minors DNI, possessiveness, rough sex, brief choking, younger reader, chris is wearing his captain america suit bc i’m a whore, unprotected sex, brief oral ( male receiving)
authors’s note | okay I had a lot of fun writing this but also I was kinda high so it might not be the best
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You had known Chris for years before you started dating, having met during the first Captain America film when you were only 19 years old. You had played Bucky Barnes’ fiancée, a character you continued to play throughout the year even starring in the Avengers as Captain America’s best friend.
Over the years, you and Chris had gotten very close and around the time that you were to start filming for Civil War, he had asked you to be his.
You were navigating this new relationship while also being on set with all your friends. Chris and you were keeping things on the down low, but things were going amazingly. You and him had taken the next step in your relationship.
Chris had gone all out for you, roses on the bed and candle light. Ever since that night, he had barely been able to keep his hands off of you and you think he was starting to get tired of keeping things a secret. To be honest, you were too.
“Okay, so Seb and Y/N, you guys are gonna gravitate towards each other, you’re reuniting now, I want to see how much you guys missed each other, you want to be close,” Joe directed,”Chris, don’t pay attention to them, this is so natural to you, it doesn’t even distract you. Not even when they kiss.”
Chris nodded, glancing over at you in your skin tight stealth suit. You looked so fucking gorgeous and he hated that he couldn’t tell you that right now because he knows how flustered you’d get.
You meet his gaze, smile appearing on your face as you seemed to share the same struggle. He always looked good as Steve Rogers, and you’d never tell him how much you love him in his Stars and Stripes.
“Alright, places everyone.”
“Been awhile since we kissed, hasn’t it?” Sebastian joked, making you laugh at that as you went to your marker on the floor.
“Hope you’re as good as you were in 2014, that flashback scene, you remember?” You chuckled, thinking about how long it took you guys to do that cause you were joking around.
“Oh, doll, I’m better,” He winked, flipping his hair and stood at his mark.
Chris didn’t know what he was feeling exactly, but it wasn’t good. He was annoyed with the banter, but you and Seb were such close friends. He didn’t want to be that boyfriend who can’t take you being friends with a guy. Chris also knew that you both were platonic, but he couldn’t help the part of him that suddenly remember the crush you had on Sebastian in the early days of your career.
You had talked to him about this before because when you got together, he told you that he didn’t think you liked him, he always thought you liked Sebastian. You assured him that your liking to Sebastian is just because it was your movie ever and that you had a hard time separating yourself from your character.
Chris also knew that you thought of Sebastian as a brother. But still, he didn’t want you to kiss him. He knew he was being unreasonable, that this was your job and he wasn’t going to be mad about you kissing Sebastian.
He just wished he didn’t have to see, but that was the job.
Still, he watched as Sebastian took your face into his hand so delicately in his hands and pressed his lips against yours.
You get completely lost into Sebastian embrace, just like your character would feel for Bucky, and you pull him closer to each other until the directors felt like they had gotten enough footage. Sebastian is so gentle with you, which makes your cheeks heat up. You smile into his kiss, starting to laugh when Chris says line.
“Please, don’t start this again,” Chris rolled his eyes, but he’s voice was authoritative, you call it his Captain’s voice. Sebastian and you both pull away.
You wipe your mouth sheepishly with a smile,”Sorry, Cap.”
“Cut!” Joe called out,”And that’s lunch. When we’re back, Chris and Y/N have the heart to heart about going against Stark.”
You pull out of Sebastian embrace and taking a step back as he finally asked,”So?”
“What?”
“Was I better than last time?” Seb joked.
“Oh, absolutely,” You teased,”A little bit too much tongue, though.”
“You said too less tongue last time!”
“You overcompensated, now it’s weird,”You laugh, about to go further when Chris coughed.
“You wanna get lunch, Y/N? I wanted to go to that place you suggested.”
You turned your head toward him, just a little bit confused but then you saw him.
His face had soften, and he looked annoyed at himself. Something was up, you just didn’t know what.
“I’m down, see you later, Seb.”
“Yeah, yeah,” He waved you off as he went to find Mackie.
As soon as you were alone with Chris, walking back to his dressing room.
“What’s wrong?” You asked him curiously,”And don’t say nothing because I know you better than that.”
Chris huffed out a breath,”It’s stupid...I just...” He pulls you into his trailer, pulling you close to him like he wants. “I wasn’t expecting to be seeing you kiss someone so soon into filming.”
“You know it’s just a job, right?”
“I know, but...you just look so fucking gorgeous in that suit, and all I want is to rip it off of you, but instead I have to watch Sebastian roaming hands, he didn’t have grab your ass like that.”
You can see the anger on his face, and you just shook your head,”It’s just acting, baby. You know I like your hands on my ass much more, especially when you are looking so fucking fine in this suit.”
Your finger runs down his chest, and he looks at you with darkened eyes as your teeth raking over the your bottom lip. He towers over you, looking down at you as he unzips the front of your suit.
“I’m gonna make you forget any other man ever touched you,”Chris whispered,”You’re mine, I want everyone to know it.”
You nodded, more than happy for everyone to know who you belong to. But you also liked to tease,”Oh, am I yours...?”
Chris knows your joking, but he can’t help the growl that escapes him as he peels the rest of your suit off, leaving completely exposed to him while he remained in costume. He pushes against the wall with his head wrapped around your throat. The pressure is there, but he isn’t restricting your airway.
“Yes, you are,”Chris whispered against your ear,”And don’t forget it.”
“Whatever you say, Cap,” You grinned, and the next thing you know he was slamming his lips into yours. His entire body was pressed against yours as your hands went to the buckle on his suit, slipping your hand into his pants. His cock was already hard, and you knew he would be because he had been staring at you in that suit all day.
His lips finds your jaw, making nothing more to leave a mark. That was his favorite place to leave a bruise, but he had a feeling your make artist will literally kill him.
Chris groaned as you stroked his cock in your hand after you shoved his pants down just enough to free him.
“Gotta be quick, babe,”Chris whispered against your neck.
You nodded,”I know, I know, just fuck me, please, make me yours.”
Chris has always been a little rough, just the way you like it, but this is different. It’s desperate and agressive, and you love it.
He leans down, tearing your panties off. His arms them hook under your legs as he held you up. You squeaked at his strength, almost embarrassed at how you’re practically dripping for him.
With your back pressed against the wall and Chris’ arms under your knees, you whimper as his cock prods at your entrance. You’ve never fucked like this with you in his arms, supporting your whole body.
You can’t help the way you cling to him, whining for him to fuck you as you kiss him with fever. His lips were nothing like Sebastian’s, no, he knew how to kiss you and what you liked. Chris knew every way to drive you wild.
He thrusts up, making your mouth fall open with a soft moan. He’s buried so deep inside you and it’s everything you want, you feel full. Your eyes fluttered shut, but he stills himself, which only makes you whimper.
Chris tuts at you,”Keep those pretty eyes open for him, dove, I want you to know who you fucking belong to.”
You nodded eagerly, mewling as he fucks into you again, eyes on him and your body feels like it’s on fire. You feel so good,”Fuck, Chris—“
He looks so goddamn good, fucking into you relentlessly and hard. Chris was epitome of power at the moment, dressed in his Captain America suit and holding you up. You wish you could take a fucking picture and save it because oh my god, your boyfriend is so hot.
“You’re fucking dripping, baby,” Chris groaned,”You like me like this, don’t you?”
“Yes, yes,” You moan softly, your hands clinging to the suit for some sort of leverage. Chris slams him hips into you, his hands digging into your thighs as your back hits the wall behind you.
“You’re mine, only mine,” Chris breaths as he drills into you, making you squeeze his cock with your velvety walls,”Only I can make you feel this good, isn’t that right?”
You nodded desperately, kissing his lips as he hits the perfect spot. It makes your body tremble in his grip and he can’t help but smirk. He drives forward unforgivingly, reducing you to moans and whines.
Chris groans as you throw your head back, and he wants to cum inside you, he does, but he knows he can’t have you leaking into your costume, so instead he holds himself back until you finally topple over the edge.
You always look so pretty when you cum, face hot and mouth open. Your eyes flutter shut as you let out the prettiest moan, his name.
As soon as you ride out your high, he pulls out and you whimper at how sensitive you feel. Chris puts you down, forces you down on your knees for him. It’s fine, you think if you had to stand right now that your legs would give out.
“Gonna be a good girl and swallow my cum?”Chris’ hand fisted around his cock, which is slick from your arousal.
“Yes, yes, please, give it to me,” You whined as you lick your lips, knowing how much Chris loves to hear you beg for him. It’s obscene how eager you are for him to come down your throat.
You stare up at him as you take his cock between your lips, tongue circling around the head as you push forward to take as much of him as you can. The sight of your lips stretching around his cock was enough to send him into bliss, warm white strips of cum covering the back of your throat. You suck his dry as he groans your name, his hands in your hair to keep you on his cock until he’s done with you. When he pulls you off, your lips are swollen from how hard he’d been kissing you. Your eyes are glazed over as you smile up at him.
“I’m all yours, Chris,” You uttered as he tucks himself back into the suit, and he pulls you up on your wobbly legs. His mouth invades yours, pulling you as close as he could get you. He can taste himself on your tongue and if he didn’t have to work, it might be enough to get him going again.
“And I’m yours, and never fucking forget it,” Chris whispers, his hands caressing your face with ease.
“Oh, baby, I don’t want to be anyone else’s,” You assure him,”You’re never getting rid of me.”
“That what I like to hear.”
You can’t help but giggle as he starts to kiss your face, making you grin uncontrollably. You really did love this man.
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youlightmeupfinn · 2 months ago
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Best Friends ➳ Nikki Sixx (18+)
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➳ a/n: i laughed so hard writing the end of this. i'm still new to writing fanfics for Nikki, so bear with me!! but i absolutely love this
➳ summary: You and Tommy Lee have been best friends since high school marching band. When Tommy joined Nikki's band, Tommy told you both to stay away from one another. But did Tommy really think you and Nikki could stay away from each other?
➳ warnings: smut, oral m!receiving, unprotected sex (wrap it before ya tap it, babe), slight dom!Nikki but not much, begging
➳ pairing: Nikki Sixx/The Dirt!Nikki x Female!Reader
➳ Nikki Sixx Masterlist
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“He can’t know that I’m here,” You looked at Nikki who grabbed your hand and twirled you in a circle. The boys had finished up a late recording session, leaving you on standby as you patiently waited to be reunited with the bassist. Nikki looked down at you, soon pinning you to the car as his mouth hovered above yours.
“Afraid Tommy might beat me up? Baby, I can handle him… Have you seen how little he is?” Nikki laughed about his best friend, who was yours before he joined Mötley Crüe. You rolled your eyes and playfully punched him in the shoulder. Tommy and you had met when you were freshmen in high school. You were both in the marching band together and immediately the skilled drummer took you under his wing. You had no siblings, which meant Tommy became like an older brother, his younger sister also being thought of as one of your sisters. His family in general adopted you when you escaped from your home. Various nights were spent there having dinner while you and Tommy practiced together for band.
So when Tommy joined former London member, Nikki Sixx’s band, you were ecstatic. Suite 19 was honestly not looking so hot in your eyes, even if it was considered to be Tommy’s first successful band, and you encouraged your best friend to loosen his ties. As a fan of London yourself, you had already developed a crush on Nikki, so when Tommy joined forces with him - you were ecstatic.
Now? It’s been over two years and you were madly in love with the rockstar. You two couldn't stay away from each other. A few shows, you appearing on tour at one point, it was only within a short amount of time that you and Nikki started seeing each other. A couple of sessions in his dressing room led to you hopping into his hotel bed before Doc could catch you, slowly turning into a serious relationship that had now gone on for nine, almost ten months.
However, Tommy didn’t know, that oblivious jerk. In your defense, you and Nikki did a wonderful job at hiding it… somewhat. Mick knew, but that was only because he caught the two of you making out. He just looked at you with a smirk, rolled his eyes, and carried on as if nothing ever happened. Vince? He was always in his own world.
Tommy was overprotective of you and if he found out you were secretly screwing the bass player, he would fly off the handle. You could still vividly remember Tommy pointing at you before he turned his eyes to Nikki and said, “Touch her and I’ll kill you”.
And Tommy proceeded to tell you, “Don’t you dare,”
Did that stop Nikki?
Not one bit.
“C’mon, baby, just wanna let the world know you’re mine,” Nikki lowered his voice and pressed it against your ear.
You giggled, a soft moan escaping from between your lips as Nikki slipped a had low to part your thighs. With one good rub across your clothed heat, you were melting against his tall frame. Your eyes teetered into the back of your head as you clutched the leather jacket he donned, the warm air filling your nose. Nikki’s beloved scent mingled with it and caused you to wrap your hand around the back of his neck and drive him forward, planting your lips to his.
“Yeah, and I can’t risk our shared best friend killing us both,” You reminded him, another gentle moan being pulled from your throat when he started to unfasten the button of your jeans. You groaned heavily and pushed your hips into his hands when he sneaked his fingers inside and came into contact with the dampness you built. This man did a number on you. One simple look and you were all eager to be ruled by him. Those fingers were magic, you were sure of it. Nikki laughed as he captured your lips before dropping lower to press them to your neck.
“Did he leave after you?” You asked. You and Nikki were in the public eye and although the lights were dimmed where you two stood, you were reaching for the door handle to your car.
“Yes, gorgeous,” Nikki whispered. “Don’t worry about it,” He added one more searing kiss to your neck before hurrying to open the car door. You and Nikki loved to meet at this random spot after his recording sessions were over. It was normally after dark when he’d depart from the studio. Vince and Mick would head in one direction and Tommy in another.
“He did wonder why I wasn’t going out with him tonight,” Nikki laughed. “Told him I had a hot date.”
“Nikki!” You pulled back.
“What?! He thinks I’m screwing random chicks anyway! Now if you don’t get that pretty ass into the car and let’s get out of here, I won’t be able to stop myself. This entire lot will hear who owns you… And it’s Nikki Sixx if you need to be reminded.” He added a hard slap to your bottom, causing you to yelp. Rushing your way into the car, it wasn’t long before the two of you were at your apartment.
You stumbled through your doors and led Nikki over to the couch, turning around so you had control. Pressing your hands to his broad shoulders, you pushed him back and watched as he tumbled into the couch cushions. Unfastening the buttons to your shirt, you held eye contact with your boyfriend as you removed the clothing. Nikki cursed under his breath and spread his legs apart, propping his arms up onto the back of the couch.
Leaving yourself in your jeans and bra, you watched the musician lick his lips in anticipation, eyes heavily centered on your breasts.
“It’s like you get even sexier every time I see you,” He exhaled. You lowered your body and positioned your legs on the tops of his leather-clad thighs. Nikki groaned when your hands slowly inched upwards, your eyes greeted by the sight of the bulge that formed just for you. You hummed in delight and started to toy with the zipper. Nikki’s hips instantly bucking in your direction.
“Down, cowboy,” You laughed.
“Stop being a tease,” He pleaded. You rolled your eyes at him and watched him. You looked back down at the zipper and started to pull it down. Nikki reached his hand around your backside and with two skilled fingers, he unclasped your bra.
“Oops, I wonder how that happened,” Nikki gasped, covering his mouth with his hand.
“You are so impatient!” You laughed, tugging at his pants. Nikki aided you by shoving them down, smirking the entire way.
“You love me all the more for it,” He shrugged his shoulders. It wasn’t long before you were palming the bassist in your hand, his green orbs rolling instinctively into the back of his head. He released a grunt from the back of his throat which turned you on even more. Your thighs were sticking together and you could feel the pool forming, your levels of desperation crawling high.
“That’s debatable,” You sighed. Stroking him in your hand, Nikki growled at the contact of your warm hand around his throbbing length. His head fell back as he gave himself over to you. You noticed the way his fingertips clenched around the back of the couch, his knuckles turning white as he bucked his hips forward again. That gentle tongue of his darted out to wet his lips as he created beautiful sounds while you pleasured him. The moment you wrapped your pretty lips around his tip nearly drove him wild. As you lowered yourself onto his member, Nikki’s green eyes blew wide as he created a symphony with his mouth.
“Shit, baby,” He moaned aloud to you. “You treat me so good,”
You giggled and licked the underside of his length, knowing how it drove him absolutely wild. Nikki jerked when your tongue applied pressure, your hands twisting around him as you came up. Sucking on his tip while your eyes centered on his, Nikki moaned, his hand shaking as he reached a hand forward to tangle it through your hair. You winked at your boyfriend and deep-throated him, just the simple act nearly causing him to combust.
As you slurped and your tongue greeted his sensitive tip, you twirled your tongue around him and could feel him twitching in your mouth. “C’mon, Sixx… Give me what I want,” You groaned heavily as you returned to your skilled mouth-work on your lover. You stroked your fingertips across Nikki’s bare thighs, his fingers digging into your scalp. You hummed in satisfaction of his hands on top of your head which started to bob your head up and down. Nikki tilted his head to the side and watched your marvelous work. He was gritting his teeth and trying to hang on for as long as he could, but it was no use. One simple trick of your tongue lapping around his head had him lurching. Hot spurts of his release shot to the back of your throat. You twisted your hands around him lightly and practically milked the substance that leaked from his tip, his length warm and welcoming in your palms.
As you retracted your mouth from his softening cock, Nikki looked at you with that drunken expression. “Baby girl,” He moaned for you, latching his hand around the back of your neck. Pulling you up from your knees, his hands began massaging your breasts in between his large hands. His fingertips encircled your swollen buds that were begging for his attention. As you began to work your fingers against your jeans to get them off, Nikki lowered his head and brought one of your nipples into his mouth. Catching it between his teeth, the face he made when he locked eyes with you could’ve driven you over the cliff then.
“Nikki, babe,” You moaned, tangling your fingers through the raven locks of your man. He growled against your skin, pushing your nipple into the roof of his mouth. He sucked while pushing his hand down your belly and slipping it underneath the panties you wore. Your eyes rolled as Nikki’s dominant hand explored your drenched fabric, his calloused fingers coming into contact with your swollen clit which ached for him. Your back arched as your hips straddled his bared lower half, his length pressing against you.
“Tell me how you feel, baby,” Nikki coaxed you. “How bad you need me?”
His fingers dipped between your slit and you thought you saw stars. Your belly churned and you automatically started to grind your hips into his hand. Nikki laughed, circling his tongue around your nipple as his teeth gently tugged. You shivered at the connection, your head burying its way into the crook of his neck.
“Babe!” You whined. He settled his fingers against your slit and paused his movements.
“Tell me,” Nikki demanded. “Who owns you?”
“You!” You cried out to him. He smirked wickedly, pulling his mouth off of your breast. He reached his freed hand forward and cupped your cheeks, squeezing them together as he looked into your eyes. He was only grazing your entrance. You swore you had tears developing from the pleasure that was building, the anticipation edging you on.
“Say my name, pretty girl,” He craned his head to the side, those green eyes swimming in yours. “Scream it,”
“Nikki!” You gave into him. “You own me, Nik!” You hissed.
Nikki smiled in satisfaction. He was certainly the possessive type and when he demanded, he was going to get it.
“That’s right, you’re such a good girl…” Nikki praised you. You moaned and his fingers finally pushed into your entrance. You quaked at the feeling, walls pulsating around the bassist’s agile digits as he forced them into you. Curling them forward, his middle and ring fingers scratched your sweet spot that had you biting into your boyfriend’s shoulder. Nikki released a grunt when he felt your mouth lock onto his skin, his fingers working faster inside of you. His thumb tapped against your clit while he pressed hot kisses to the side of your neck. You growled in satisfaction, Nikki bringing you closer to the edge.
“Don’t stop!” You begged. “Please don’t stop, Nik, it feels so good,”
Nikki smiled in utter satisfaction. There was nothing more earth-shattering than to hear his baby cry out to him, telling him how good he was doing. Your walls clenched around his digits as you begged for release, your hand wrapping around his cheek. You opened your eyes and zeroed on him, his mouth pressing to yours. Your tongue was the first to jut out into his opened mouth. He danced his with yours as he continued to rail you single-handedly. You groaned, grinding your hips into his stomach as his hand remained beneath you. Nikki had been with you long enough to know your body from the inside out. He knew your cues, what set you off, what turned you on, and what made you quake.
As he drove his fingers deeper into you, practically strumming you as he does his bass, he grasped your cheek. Licking a stripe from your jawline, all the way to your temple, your eyes rolled in pure ecstasy as you came all over his fingers without even realizing. The band suddenly snapped and you saw stars. Nikki was hardening beneath you, his length desperately craving the warmth your soaked cunt would provide him.
He wished Tommy would find out. His darling best friend, the one who he thought he convinced Nikki to stay away from, was getting her world rocked nightly by the bassist. If only the drummer could see how his sweet friend who he depicted as a second sister clenched around Nikki’s length as she moaned his name like a worldwide hit, how he had explored every square inch of the beauty’s body from the top of her head to the soles of her feet.
Nikki growled as you came undone in his hand. You moaned sweetly into the air, your fingertips digging into the base of his skull. You tugged and lazily kissed the corners of his mouth, riding out your high on his fingers. Nikki soon removed your soaked space from his center and ripped his shirt from his body to expose his toned exterior. You bit down on your lip and kissed his pecs, hearing as he shuddered against you.
He guided your hips into the air before lowering you onto himself. Both of you moaned at the feeling of his tip brushing past your slicked folds. Your mouth hung open as you seated yourself completely, accepting every inch of the musician with ease, except for the occasional wince as you adjusted to his size.
“You okay, baby?” Nikki asked before he started to thrust. Upon your nod, he smiled and brought your lips forward. Your breasts pressed to his chest as he started to guide your hips back and forth. You moved in a circle on top of him, your hands clutching the back of his neck.
It wasn’t long before your moans filled the air and you were positive a noise complaint would ensue. Little did you know though, you had a visitor lurking outside of your door. It jostled you when you heard the sound of a car door closing.
“Nikki,” You whispered in between kisses as your boyfriend continued to thrust into you at an unforgiving space. “SIXX!” You slapped his chest, causing him to pause.
“What?!” He laughed, trying to force himself not to move anymore.
“Did you hear that? A car door,” You whispered.
Nikki squinted. “Baby, you’re hearing things. It’s probably your neighbor or something. Just focus on how hard I’m gonna make you cum,” He leaned forward and kissed your neck. You rolled your eyes, deciding that he was right. You returned to the heat of the moment and felt as your boyfriend helped move your hips into a threatening pace. You bounced on top of him, your jaw unhinging.
“Right there, Nik!” You groaned, your voice becoming louder.
“That’s right, let it out, baby girl,” Nikki encouraged you. He slapped your bottom which brought you flush to his chest. You rolled your hips into his, his own moans mixing with yours. “You’re so tight,” He hissed, unsure of how much longer he could last.
“Y/N?! ARE YOU UP?!” A muffled voice called out which you didn’t hear. Your and Nikki’s moans were overpowering everything in these moments. Nikki was pounding your g-spot repeatedly and the addition of his fingers playing with your clit threatened you to orgasm within seconds. You were hanging onto him, your teeth returning to his shoulder as you cried out loudly.
Tommy Lee was on your doorstep. “Nikki bailed on me for some chick and I don’t have anyone else to hang out with!” Tommy called from your doorstep. He pounded on your door, but it was no use.
“OH, NIKKI! DON’T STOP!” You moaned.
“Louder, baby! Louder!” Nikki called.
“What the hell?” Tommy asked himself as he circled around to the window.
“N-NIKKI! You feel SO good, baby, ohhh!”
Tommy peered through the window and the sight he was offered caused his jaw to unhinge. There, on your couch that Tommy had slept on many nights… Was his two best friend’s going at it like energizer bunnies.
“NIKKI SIXX, YOU BASTARD! GET OUT OF MY BEST FRIEND! Y/N, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Tommy screamed, pounding his fist against your window. His voice was muffled on the outside.
Nikki was drilling at a quickened speed and you two were tumbling over the edge.
“I SLEPT ON THAT COUCH. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” The drummer cried, pulling his eyes away. Tommy rushed back over to the door and started tugging on it, twisting the knob as hard as he could. “YOU’RE A DEAD MAN, SIXX!” Tommy cried.
Suddenly, you pulled your head back as the explosive orgasm washed over you, your eyes widening.
“Y/N, YOU’RE THE CHICK HE BAILED ON ME FOR?! I KNOW YOU HEAR ME! STOP SCREWING AND OPEN THE DOOR!”
“TOMMY, GO AWAY!” Nikki called out, causing you to slap him in the shoulder.
“NIKKI, I’M GONNA MURDER YOU!” Tommy was determined to get inside. You quickly grabbed your clothes from the floor and pulled them on.
“Tommy, stop trying to break my door! You’re the reason it broke the last time!” You groaned. Nikki laughed, pulling on his pants as you rushed toward the door. Pulling it open, you were met with an enraged Tommy Lee whose hair looked puffier than normal, his hazel eyes reflecting embers as he focused on Nikki.
“Are you SERIOUS, Nikki?! You’re whoring around with my best friend?!” Tommy looked at him. You stared up at Tommy.
“Whoring around? Tommy, shut up.”
“Did he hurt you?”
Your eyes widened and Nikki was in stitches at how hard he was laughing.
“IT’S NOT FUNNY! It’s so uncool! I TOLD you to stay away from her, Nikki!” Tommy stared at him before turning to you. “And I told YOU to stay away from HIM!”
You pinched the bridge of your nose.
“How long have you two been sneaking behind my back?!” Tommy asked.
“Dude, I’ve been dating Y/N for the last nine months. Mick knew… Pretty sure Vince knows. Did you really think telling me to stay away from her would work?” Nikki laughed at him.
Tommy flashed his eyes over at you. “How could you?!”
You crossed your arms.
“...Nikki’s right, Tommy… You were just oblivious,” You snickered, breaking out into a smile. “I was going to tell you, I promise! But I didn’t know how to.”
“I can’t believe I just saw my two best friends having sex…”
“YOU WATCHED?!” You screamed suddenly.
“Not for long!” Tommy defended.
“BUT YOU WATCHED?!” You returned. Nikki had his face buried into one of the pillows as he laughed harder.
“I’ve seen Nikki naked before,” He held his hands up.
“THOMAS LEE BASS!” You shoved him. He stumbled backward and rolled his eyes.
You walked back over to the couch and took a seat beside Nikki who wrapped his arm around you, securing you to his side. “Alright, Tommy, secrets out. I’m dating your best friend. Are you still gonna kill me?”
Tommy contemplated Nikki’s words before huffing.
“To think I slept on a couch with your cum stains…”
“Hey, this couch is not stained,” You pointed. “Nikki knows he can’t get messy unless I put something down,” - “DON’T TELL ME THAT!” Tommy erupted, making you start to laugh.
Nikki chuckled, pulling you forward to kiss your cheek.
Tommy looked between the two of you.
“I should’ve known you wouldn’t stay away from her, Nikki,”
Nikki winked.
“Never,” He laughed, hugging you to him.
➳ tagging: @ali-r3n
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glowstick-cafe · a year ago
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Abandoned||SBI x hybrid!reader
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SBIx hybrid!reader
Genre: Angst
Warning: Violence, Swearing, implied injury??
I use the Doomsday war to my advantage, that just feels right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dark
Why is everything dark?
I-Why can't I see?!
Why can't I move my wings?!
Dad! Help me, I'm scared!
-
6
"Dad! Help me, I'm scared!" Tears rolled down my face as I clung to the tree branch, "Y/n, it's ok! Keep your eyes on me and jump." Philza yelled. You were playing hide and seek with your brothers and managed to get stuck in a tree, which is why you're in this situation. "W-What if I fall?!" I yelled back, my tears blurred my vision, the only thing recognizable to me was Phil's white and green bucket hat. "I'll catch catch you. I promise." He said, his calming voice relaxing me. You took his word of it and jumped from the branch, you expecting to hit the ground or Phil's arm at least but with a small peak you saw that you were flying. "D-Dad....I'm flying!" You yelled excitedly while Philza was clutching his chest as if his heart was about to collapse on itself. If you were to ask him about it today, he would say that it was the most stressful day of his life.
-
14
"Tech, c'mon!" You whined, as your brother payed not mind to the fact that you were bothering or well at least trying to bother him. "Y/n, for chirst sake stop annoying your brother." Philza said, he just wanted some peace and quiet in the house for once and you were the only thing keeping it from that. "Y/n, I've already told you that you can't go outside with me a night, you're going to get hurt." The pink haired piglin murmured, "I can protect myself, you know this." "No, is no." He said in a stern tone making you huff in annoyance.
"Go with him, I won't tell a soul." Wilbur's voice cheered, his red beanie rested lazily on his head as he leaned on the couch. "Thank you, I'll do your chores for 3 days." "Make it a week." "Fine." After that little exchange you ran out the door to find Techno.
Deep into the forest you silently trail behind your brother while hiding behind trees and bushes, upon hearing a sudden noise that surprised you, you turned around to see your brother nowhere in sight. Your breath quicken as you looked around the forest in panick, where the hell is he?, while walking through the forest you bumped into someone, "Techno! I'm so glad to see yo-AAAA!" You cut yourself off to find out that instead stood a zombie, you backed yourself into a tree which left you nowhere to go, as much as you wanted to use your wings it was useless since the zombie could just grab you. "I can't believe I'm going to die to a zombie-" You managed to say, your terror was short lived because Techno stabbed the zombie through the heart. "Techno, I'm so sorry for following you. I almost got killed and-" Your rambling was cut short due to the sudden hug from the piglin, "I'm just glad your ok, I don't know what I'd do with myself if you got hurt." He whispered, all you could do was cry into his never as he carried you home.
-
17
"Dad, I'm not six anymore, I take care of myself. Techno gets to move out, what about me?!" You yelled, it was anthor fight between you and Phil, it's been getting more worse everytime. "The difference between you and Techno is that he proved that he can take care of himself." Phil argued back making you more annoyed. "When did it become about proving something? All I'm asking you to do is trust me, when did the become so hard to do?!" You screamed, you were at your limit, you ran out of the house and flew up to sit on the roof.
You were left to your thought until you heard a familiar voice, "It's rough in there haha..." Wilbur said, he was trying to make you feel better but he mentally cursed himself for even saying that. "You know he's trying his best right?" He sighed, Wilbur took a seat next to you and stared at the sky. Phil, Tommy, Wilbur, Techno and you used to sit on the roof and talk about the weirdest of things while watching the sunset, but not that Techno left to love on his on it doesn't feel the same. "Yeah, but I wish he'd do the bare minimum and treat me like I'm seventeen." I mumbled letting out a deep sigh, "Well, just know that I have your back no matter what, ok?" Wilbur reassured, he put out his pinky finger and you did the same, "Ok..." You gave the brunette a small smile then turning your attention back to the sunset.
-
19
"Now you've done it ya lil shit!" You jokingly yelled, you chase Tommy around the living room while Phil was making dinner and Wilbur was writing a song in his book. "Dad help! Y/n is brutally murdering me!" Tommy yelled while Phil hummed, not paying any attention to the blonde. "Imbeciles! Everyone of you in this house, imbeciles!" The blonde chanted while everyone laughed at you piled your entire weight on the boy.
Later in the night you heard a knock on your door, you utter a gentle come in to see Tommy. "What's up bud?" You ask, you sat up to look at him, "You know how Phil is finally letting you go live on your own?" You hummed and watced the boy try to find his word. "I...I don't want you to go-" He said, his voice sounding shakes which alarmed you.
"Is that was this is about? C'mon, sit." You sighed and patted a spot on you bed signaling for him to sit. "I know that you're going to miss me but just know that you'll have to get used to not having me around, I'm sure Wilbur feels the same. I believe in you, big man." I said while ruffling his hair, his expression seemed like he still wasn't read to let go. "But what about when you wake me up when I don't want to get up? What about you kicking me under the table during dinner, what about when I need you to tell me that everything is find? What about-" He paused to collect his thoughts. "Y/n, what am I without you?" His words made me halt, "Yourself..."
-
Doomsday
"You chose your side Y/n, Techno and I chose ours." Phil spoke, his tone cold and devoid of care."But, I thought- I thought we were a family." I say, Philza only wince at my words. I look up at him, Techno, and Dream as they set off the TNT dropper, with little time I tried to fly away I kept missing the TNT only by a kiss and a prayer until, "Y/n look out!" Tommy yelled, I quickly look behind me see TNT about to explode, out of instinct I use my wing to shield me.
Dark
Why is everything dark?
I-Why can't I see?!
Why can't I move my wings?!
Dad! Help me, I'm scared!
Why is no one there?
Dad-No, Phil, Techno, Wilbur, Tommy.....where are you?
My body felt like it was about the give out, I was losing a lot of blood. "I guess this is how I die...Techno can't save me this time." I chuckled to myself, "I wonder how one of Wilbur's songs go... Jubilee Line, was it?" I paused.
"Wasting your time
You're wasting mine
I hate to see you leaving
A fate worse than dying
Your city gave me asthma
So that's why I'm fucking leaving."
While I was singing a voice called out to me, it seems like I was buried under a pile of rocks...cool I guess. A hand reached and pulled me out of the dark creavis, surprising me completely.
I didn't realize how relieved I was to not die until I stole a hug from the person that saved me, he smelled of blueberries and heaven he was wear a colorful hoodie and a sea foam green swirl on the front. "It's ok, everything will be ok." Even his soft voice resembled an angel, I cried into his hoodie an. The man hugging me whispered small reassurances as my tears stain his hoodie, in that moment I've never been this scared to let someone go.
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I hoped you liked this because I sure did, I shall go pass out now. It's 3:06am rn.
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phoenixyfriend · a year ago
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Rey Gives No F*cks About the Grandfather Paradox
Okay so since nobody’s suggested a fic under these terms, I ended up expanding on this post on discord and things snowballed. We kept to the basics of the entire plot revolving around Rey really hating her grandad and leveraging her blood relation to not be unalived about it.
With contributions by @atagotiak​, @dracothulhu​, @thepallaspalace​, and several others. The title comes from @gelpenss​.
The basic thing I absolutely need is this: Rey gets thrown back to the middle of the clone wars, and the subsequent plot leans in really heavily on her being, genetically-via-clone-dad, the daughter of the guy running the entire galaxy.
Nobody knows what to do with her.
The timing is mid-TCW for the past (because I want Ahsoka there) and vaguely between Episodes 8 and 9 because I... never watched E9 and don’t want to worry about the timeline. The only things that matter is that Luke is dead (he can die as he did in canon) and that Rey knows she’s Palp’s granddaughter (not the way she does in canon).
We'll say Luke found out from Anakin's panicked force-ghost and just went "well, fuck, okay, I should tell her this before she ends up in a situation like mine and finds out mid-battle or something."
Luke, prior to time-travel: Okay, so, now that I'm dead I know some things I didn't before. Like who your parents were. In the interest of full disclosure because I was in a very similar situation and I don't want you learning the way I did, I'm just going to come right out and say that your father was a clone was Sheev Palpatine. Rey: ... Luke: Are you okay? Rey: I don't know who that is.
(She grew up on Jakku, the history education was a little subpar.)
Setting The Scene
Imagine Rey showing up during or immediately before the clone wars. There’s this phenomenally powerful feral teenager from a desert backwater who tells you that if you ran a paternity test, it would probably pop up the Chancellor. She may or may not bring up cloning. She accuses said Chancellor of being a Sith Lord.
Your other phenomenally powerful feral teenager from a desert backwater, who may not be a teenager anymore but only barely, is very offended by this because Palpatine’s a Very Nice Old Grandfather Figure, but also he’s a little full of side-eye because if the blood test comes back as proof, then Palpatine had a kid and didn’t even know about them, or lied to Anakin, and that’s! Bad! Family’s important!!!
Palpatine hears about this daughter he apparently? Has? And is very confused because the timing doesn’t match up with ANYTHING he was doing, so the kid isn’t natural, and he says as much. (There is an explanation! It’s not a correct explanation, but he does come up with one.)
Finn and Poe and BB-8 all get dragged along because why not have the gang there? Nobody that’s already born, because [handwave] conservation of souls or something, IDK, point is the only person dragged along that’s even remotely close to already existing is Luke’s Force Ghost, who mostly hangs around begging Rey to be less impulsive. Finn is good because he is a nice polite boy, but for actual useful information they need Poe. The unfortunate situation is that the three do not land together. They land at the same time, in completely different corners of the galaxy. This means that nobody is there to curb Rey being her most impulsive self.
Time travel Rey knows two things. Luke’s dad ends up evil. Palpatine has always been evil.
She can solve one of these problems by killing the other, yes?
Rey: Ready to Rumble
See, the initial idea was this: Rey tried to break into the senate to kill Palpatine, got arrested, and then used the "he's biologically my father" card to get out of jail free. (Force Ghost Luke follows her like “please take five seconds to think this through.”)
But.
But.
It would be very, very, very funny if The Force just dumps her in a flash of light in the senate building and she just attacks Gramps on sight. Just a shouted "YOU!" and no-hesitation attempted murder.
Palpatine has no idea what's going on.
Rey took maybe two seconds to get identity confirmation and then started swinging.
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[Image Description: An individual in a green metal helmet with an eye slit, holding a pistol. In the upper left, upper right, and lower middle are the phrases “I do not know who I am...” “I don’t know why I’m here” and “All I know is that I must kill.” End description.]
Of course, she gets arrested. There are Master Jedi in the Senate. There are Clone Troopers. Palpatine isn’t the weak old man he pretends to be. Of course she’s stopped.
But she isn’t executed in time for Palpatine to stop her from ruining his entire reputation.
Immediately after Rey fails to kill her Shitty Granddad, Luke's ghost shows up and begs her to not talk about the Sith thing because it will completely undermine everything she's trying to do. Pass off the attempted murder as something else!
Rey, panicking: "that fucker left me on a desert planet for 10 years!" "You owe me 19 years of child support you son of a Hutt!"
The Jedi have to do the investigation, because the girl showed up with a laser sword, and the conversation is, uh... interesting. (“Where did you get that lightsaber?” “I got it from a mysterious old pirate lady I never met before. I don't know, I was being shown around by a smuggler and a Wookie.”)
Interviewer: Why did you try to assassinate the Chancellor? Luke: Say it wasn't assassination. Rey: It wasn't assassination. Int: You weren't trying to kill him? Luke: Assassination has to be politically motivated. Rey: This was, um... not political. Assassination is political, right? Int: You mean this was personally motivated? Rey: Yes. Int: I see. What personal motivation? Luke: Jakku! Rey: He's my grandfather. Int: ... Rey: Possibly father. Nobody was very clear on that. Int: ... Luke: Tell them to run a paternity test. Rey: Oh hey, a blood test would tell us which, right? Int: ............ Rey: I spent ten years as an orphaned scrapdealer on Jakku. He's my father. I'm kind of a little angry. Int: ........... Luke: Good job, kid. You bought yourself some time. Int: I'm going to get a medic to see about that parternity test.
Obviously, it comes back positive. Congratulations, Sheev, you’re the father.
Rey comes with a ready-made built-in excuse for hating Palpatine that nobody can question or fault her for!
Rey, pouring Truth into the Force: I didn't even know I was related to the Chancellor until a few months ago, but it's his fault I grew up the way I did, and he should take some responsibility!
The entire thing is mostly kept hush hush but someone leaks it to the press and Palpatine's ratings tank.
"Chancellor, I think we'll need to waive family visitation until she wants you a little less dead." "I would like to find out why she wants me dead, and indeed, where she came from." "...sir, for your own safety--"
Who would win? A master plan years in the making spanning decades of manipulating and work? or One (1) paternity test
"Okay, so, Rey Palpat--" "Ew, no, I don't want his name." "You--okay. Sure, we can understand that. Is there a name you would prefer to put on the paperwork?" Rey, who would have gone by Skywalker in honor of Luke but can't do that when Anakin is right there and all: "Can I think about it?"
Rey: I don't know what I want my last name to be but I know I don't want his, and most of the people I’d want a name from have famous families like you... Luke's ghost, pointing out the Literal Nobody that she cares about a lot: How about Solo? Rey: ...Solo, then.
(A few months later she runs into Poe again and he offers for Finn and Rey to both take his name because honestly they need SOMETHING but at that point she’s already decided on Smuggler Dad.)
Backtrack a bit. We’ve got a bigger cast.
They all arrive separately. Poe, for one, does better than Rey, who is aiming for a murder, but not quite as well as Finn, who is currently being adopted and hidden like a secret cat by a bunch of Alpha Clones on Kamino. He vibes with the names-or-numbers thing. He doesn’t necessarily tell them where and when he’s from, but he’s very sweet and a great liar and they adopt him wholesale anyway.
The Finn situation is just... "Buir Ti, we need you to hide this man, we've decided he's our little brother but if Nala Se finds out she'll make him leave."
Of course, this leads into Shaak Ti teaching Finn how to Jedi.
Maybe consider Finn needing to almost be tricked into learning Jedi things because he willfully forgets it could apply to him. Finn does not like to think of himself as special, which is super valid, but frustrating for Shaak Ti when it comes to, you know, getting him to acquire knowledge. Finn's training at some point is "here, levitate objects with the Force to entertain the tubies." It’s a lot easier to convince him to practice when it involves the babies.
(Everyone on Kamino looked at Finn and went “oh I love him I’m keeping him and teaching him things.”)
(He’s just very lovable.)
Poe, meanwhile, buys the trust of Anakin Skywalker via R2D2 declaring BB-8 the absolute most baby of droids. R2D2 met BB-8 three hours ago but.
"Hey Obi-Wan this is Poe I met him like five days ago but R2D2 says he checks out because his droid is a baby." "That's nice, Anakin, did you know the Chancellor has a daughter who tried to assassinate him in broad daylight yesterday? Because guess who had to stop the Chancellor from getting assassinated by his daughter in broad daylight yesterday."
A summary so far:
Finn, on Kamino: Hey, um, I don't know where this is, but it's not where I was a few minutes ago. Do you think you could get me a comm? What's your name? Poe, on [dice roll] Denon: Oh, hey, you're General Skywalker? Nice to meet you, I'm so sorry about my droid, she's a little excitable and thought your R2 unit looked like a friend of hers-- Rey, on Coruscant: DIE, GRANDFATHER
Finn: [Peacefully vibing on Kamino, unaware of the chaos and bonding with the clones] Poe: [Trying to explain how he knows someone who tried to kill the chancellor and defend Rey] Rey: [Arrested for trying to kill the chancellor]
Just... just...
Anakin: Some guy ended up lost on base yesterday with his droid, how’s your day going? Obi-Wan: I had to stop someone who claims to be the chancellors daughter from murdering the chancellor after she seemingly blinked into existence in the Senate building. Poe: 😐
(Poe: Oh, so that's where Chaos^2 went.)
Poe: In her defense, she is his... well we don't know if she's his daughter or granddaughter, but she's definitely related to him, and she definitely grew up in a shitty situation that was his fault, so...
(Poe is trying very hard to explain this and not get arrested on the military base.)
As you’ve probably guessed, what's especially funny about all of this for me is the fact that Palpatine is fully aware that this girl shouldn't exist, but can't find a single piece of evidence about where she came from. He didn't start any experiments that could result in a female child, and he didn't have sex in that period of time, so where the hell--
Rey spends so much time in jail... BUT they do eventually assign her a Jedi Master. Possibly before she actually proves her evil grandfather is in fact evil. Most votes went to either Plo Koon or Obi-Wan. Plo, because he’s dad-shaped, and Obi...
"Obi-Wan, you already raised one feral desert child with implausible amounts of power, you handle this." Rey in return is very "Sweet, you vaguely remind me of Master Luke," and nobody knows who the hell she's talking about. Obi-Wan is NOT on board with this plan, she'd really be better off with Plo or like........ Mace.
Reunion Tour
What I need out of this is the eventual Finn and Rey reunion scene that is just excited screaming while someone in the background explains to Shaak Ti that yes this is apparently Palpatine's terrifyingly force-sensitive daughter who hates him.
(Finn senses Rey’s approach and just. Gathers the everyone to wait. He’s just :D REY MY FRIEND REY GUYS MY FRIEND REY IS COMING.)
Anakin shows up with Poe--just a guy who signed on to the military, no big deal--and then Poe and Rey are EXCITED and everyone's just like "Cool, how do you know this literal terrorist child?" And Poe has to scramble and "Uhhhhhhhhhhhh she saved my droid from a scrapheap once and BB-8 is basically my child so I owe her one."
Rey knows that Anakin ends up evil so she’s maybe not actively hostile but definitely very “I’m watching you.” That said, she vibes with him on a lot of things that he maybe doesn’t actively notice.
Rey picks up a snake, snaps off the head for venom avoidance, and starts biting off chunks. Obi-Wan's reaction: [undisguised horror] Anakin and Ahsoka: Ooh, where'd you find that? (Obi-Wan: And now I’m up to three feral children.)
What Does Palpatine Even Do?
OBVIOUSLY at a certain point, Palpatine is just phoning up every ally he has to figure out who broke protocol to synthesize a daughter for him.
So of course, Palpatine blame Plagueis.
She'd have been born five or so years before Naboo, just a few years younger than Anakin. It's such an EASY theory to build a conspiracy around. It is ENTIRELY WRONG, but it’s plausible! And anyone who might have been involved to say otherwise is probably dead!
A random bio-kid shows up you can’t possibly have contributed genes to? Maybe it’s the evil bio spark that did it.
Palpatine tries to placate her with the ‘my genes were stolen for an experiment and I didn’t know’ thing. It doesn’t work because her actual main complaint is he’s evil in her future but he tries.
It'd be a struggle to even get access to her, because of the aforementioned “maybe don’t try to talk to the daughter(?) that hates you” thing, but you know who Palpatine does have access to? The Chosen One.
Rey kind of decides on her favorites early on (she gravitates to Dad Energy and Sad Old Men so Plo and Obi-Wan are on her list, and that means decent time around Anakin and Ahsoka). It's really easy to talk Anakin into helping to some degree because "he'd like to connect to a daughter he never knew" and "a child of her power on a planet like that, you'd know her struggle, my dear boy" and so on. Anakin tries to connect! He tries to play up Sheev’s kind political work and how it can’t have really been his fault! It doesn’t work. Rey does not believe a word of it. Mostly she doesn’t even seem to hear him.
Rey's just like "...oh right, you're the melted mask that Kylo Ren was always ranting about," which means absolutely NOTHING to Anakin, but he mentions it to Palps, who loses his goddamn mind trying to figure out what she's talking about, because it also means absolutely nothing to him.
Here’s the thing: Rey’s already decided that Obi-Wan is cool, because Luke said so, and Plo Koon is dad-shaped, and she also gravitates towards earnest kindness in general, like she made friends with Finn real quick, so Ahsoka? Already getting along great.
She doesn’t dislike Anakin, really, he isn’t evil yet, he’s just... meh. She’s a little suspicious and she likes him less than the others but... Anakin.
Rey, to Anakin: You are my least favorite. Anakin, to Palpatine: YOUR DAUGHTER HATES ME???
And he goes from “she’s a lil standoffish” to “she doesn’t like me” to “she hates me” as is normal for Anakin.
It’s just an escalation of this one time Palpatine wants Anakin to not have rifts and trust issues with a person, at least not until later, because he needs information.
Meanwhile, that very moment, Rey is just like "huh, nobody here is listening to me about how make a sixth-hand carburetor work, where's Luke's dad?"
Anakin is venting to Palpatine about how hard it is to talk to Rey, and she's over in the Temple just like "Hey, that guy was useful last time, I should ask him," but also she only ever thinks of him as Luke's Dad.
(At one point, Obi-Wan is having a bit of a break down, and then Anakin starts having a breakdown about that, meanwhile the clones are (badly) trying to hide Finn behind their backs, Rey is watching Ahsoka practice and being like "I want two lightsabers," and Poe is trying to keep R2 from stealing BB-8 and Force Ghost Luke is just face palming in the background.)
(Rey deserved a saber staff, maybe one that can detach and turn into a jar’kai set. Possibly a pike. Mostly I just wish she got more chances to whack things with a big stick.)
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spearmintcrown · 3 months ago
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What is Sex Trafficking? Ripping off Butterfly Wings.
It seems that when I have brought this up sometimes people assume I am lying. Or that I use to be a prostitute. Though the line between sex trafficking and prostitution are often grim/ blurred. 
I was tortured into two different people... though I had already been in this type of training before, I went through it as a young child, starting at three years old? The most vivid memory I have of this “training” is of my Mom renting me Boxing Helena for my 7th birthday. In Boxing Helena a man who is a surgeon kidnaps and drugs a women who rejects him, he cuts off her arms and legs and keeps her as a sex slave, then at the end of the movie he wakes up and it’s a dream.
When I was 17 to 19, I had different handlers, mostly men. I’d be drugged and made to watch movies about killing women. Videos of women being pushed off of cliffs, splices of old horror movies. 
The movies are prep for rape. I barely remember anything... GHB, rohypnol, trauma, starvation, dehydration... the damage done to my brain by this combo is unknown. I remember before and afterwards sometimes. The panic, being alone, the pain, no help to be found, cold and society hating me; telling me I was a junkie or lazy when i could barely function due to constantly being drugged.
I remember most clearly constantly being made of fun of by the men selling and raping me. Or men complaining about how old I was, a fresher 14 year old would much be preferred to a used up 18 year old me. Once I remember one telling other men I deserve to be raped because women hurt men in divorce courts. Thanx to FDS (female dating strategy on reddit) I realized that these claims are extremely overblown by abusive men. It also does not match my real life experience of an old friend being sent to live with her dad after her mom told the court he was molesting her as baby... He was and her life was seriously harmed by her mom being deemed crazy. 
Everyone seemed to look the other way when my parents where selling me and when I was a homeless teenager being sex trafficked it makes you feel crazy and hopeless.
You crawl out of hell only to find nothing but loneliness and confusion. You try to fit in to a world that chants “slavery is a thing of the past”.... “we need to defund the police because sex trafficking gangs being racist is safer!”  “Sex work is work and anyone who questions this is evil.” “Sex work is safe and fun!” “Liberals are deranged but let’s only focus on that.... not the general problem of the porn industry/ male violence.” “Red vs Blue.” “Sex trafficking is a conspiracy of the elite not the result of men of every country and social economic standing demanding to buy/ watch rape.”
It’s safer to hide, they hate you, they wont help you. You want to be artist? great go and surround yourself with the vicious and daft. You want to pray? Great people will see you with contempt and discomfort. 
Just like my childhood the chant is still the same, sell yourself, have meaningless sex, you don’t belong here. Being a whore is a different world and i don’t belong to this one.
The world broke my heart and mind with its vapid viscousness. Feminism is not about helping women but telling them to fuck off and make money with porn. Meaningless friendship after friendship. Rape becomes a yearly threat instead of daily. Life moves on and you’re free but alone, broken and picking up pieces of yourself to survive in a world you hate.
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