#October has given me a lot of reasons to be hurt | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

beeshoesometimesdraws · 3 days

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YOU 🫵 please tell me like anything and everything about your wolfwalkers au.

also for no reason in particular do you have a colored ver/ref of any of the characters. or just, like, their colors in general?? for no reason other than curiosity. of course :3c

Hehehehe >:D

(I have a finished ref of the BM twins and that’s it rn, I’ll put em in at the end for ya)

Now onto the word vomit :

Timeline-wise, the wolfwalkers au takes place in more recent times, at least up to the point of the latest episode of mgafs because those events are not canon to this au (im kinda cherry-picking what I want to be canon here or not as i go along, some things may change tho)

That being said lots of things stay the same but there are also lots of things that go differently both in past and present

The twins have already been separated for a long time and are still reluctant guards for FC, them being wolfwalkers making them all the better for the task; they were given radio collars by Monty to keep track of them even when they’re in wolf form

As for Ruin and Solar and all that happened there…Solar still dies in this au because of Ruin’s plans though there are some key differences, and let’s just say that more than Solar’s energy residue stayed behind :) (*cough*if you ever watched wolfwalkers you might know what I’m getting at*cough*)

The origins of the celestial fam being wolfwalkers is kinda the same as with how things work in the Death’s Keepers au w/ the reapers: it all started with KC and the “killcode” being the code that the creator basically implanted magic into and thus the fam have these abilities due to the creator embedding it in all their codes (even Earth)

This code and them being wolfwalkers also affects their animatronic appearances and behavior (claws, sharp canine-like teeth, prey drive—some having it stronger than others, enhanced sense of smell, wolf hierarchy and pack behavior—and no not a/b/o stuff, I mean like accurate wolf hierarchy and pack behavior, which if y’all don’t know what I mean by that I will gladly rant about it if asked)

They shift using magic and their magic is strongest at night, though they can shift whenever they want to

It’s weird to a lot of them shifting from something that is mostly mechanical to being wholly organic though most of them have gotten used to it by now (a lot of the other animatronics think it’s weird but also kinda cool, Monty makes a lot of furry jokes and Moon hates it lol)

They all had to learn at one point or another that yes, you are no longer fully a machine and can be hurt or even killed as easily as any other person or animal (*cough* Eclipse learned this the hard way *COUGH*)

Going back to them more accurately representing wolf behaviors and such, I’m a nerd for anything to do with wolves and wolf genetics are one of the things I love the most (as many probably already know from my rants-)

That being said, all of them when in wolf form have their own things assigned to them, like how a few posts ago I talked about how Eclipse has the KK gene (basically black coat gene but the rare one because wolves with this gene rarely survive to adulthood for reasons that to my understanding are still mostly unknown—this is because the wolf I made based off him in WQ had it and I liked the idea of it)

Lots of the stuff that happened earlier in the tsams canon timeline happen in the timeline of the au, like Eclipse being created from Moon and Sun separating and then creating the twins and Lunar, the October takeover, etc etc

I’ve drawn them—BM twins, Lunar, Eclipse—as puppies before and mentioned Eclipse being a sickly pup due to his genes at some point and that still holds true though I’ve made alterations to my og plan for the story

Originally things were gonna diverge heavily from canon in the timeline and take more inspo from the Death’s Keepers au though wasn’t really vibing with it so I scrapped that idea

Instead things will still go relatively the same as in canon, as I stated before, and while yes Eclipse and Lunar and the BM twins were all technically “pups” at one point, it was when they were in the mindscape and they grow fast being magical and mechanical beings (so their aging is like wolves in that sense; only taking two years or so to fully mature into adults)

The others were all puppies at some point too (Sun, Moon, Earth, etc) but like I said they mature and grow fast in both wolf and mechanical form since I’m basing their aging off a wolf’s

As for Eclipse being a sickly pup, not only his genes in wolf form but his coding plays a role in that, being buggy and unstable for the first year of his life due to being a new ai created from a jumble of somebody else’s discarded code

Despite them not being around as long as some of the others, the BM twins (nicknamed Hunter and Bam in this au) are the most experienced and skilled in their wolf forms, especially when it comes to hunting

This need to hunt and prey drive while in wolf form has given the others more of an open eye to the twins’s pov and how their minds work, which has helped them in the long run as Foxy and others have more sympathy and understanding of their situation (Foxy may not be a wolfwalker like the celestial fam tho he’s been told of it by Monty and seen firsthand the others as wolves and how they behave/work)

Injuries gained in wolf form can be easily healed if done properly as their magic aids in the healing process and their injuries usually do not carry over to their mechanical form though that’s not always the case (it really depends on the injury and the severity of it)

For example, Eclipse later in the timeline has a permanent limp from an injury not healing correctly both in wolf and mechanical form due to the time when he fucked around and found out the hard way :)

That’s all I have to share rn, thanks for giving me an excuse to rant about this au :D

(They don’t have their radio collars here cuz I forgor)

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christine-ye · 2 months

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Normally I don't share a lot of serious posts for characters I love (they're funny shitposts most of the time) but because the 2024 PreCure Twitter Hall of Fame started running yesterday (go vote here if you haven't), I have already campaigned myself for the title of #1 Cure Melody fan, which I already won during the first Hall of Fame back in October 2023 (and also campaigned for). And I have the certificate below to prove it lol

As part of my mini-campaign for the current Hall of Fame (which is just for fun and not an actual competition btw), I decided to write an essay about how much Cure Melody meant to me and wanted to share it here (copied and pasted straight from the Notes app on my phone). If you get the chance to read it (under the cut), I would really appreciate it. 💗

Why you should vote me for #1 Cure Melody fan, an essay (sorta)

During the summer of 2020, I started getting into PreCure when Healin' Good returned from its hiatus and was added to Crunchyroll. After watching a few more of their available seasons like Futari wa and Kira Kira, I decided to branch out and try out other (unfortunately not legally available yet) PreCure seasons, and I started both Star Twinkle and Suite on September 1, 2020. You might be wondering, "why mention an exact date for Suite specifically?" And boy, do I have a lot to tell you.

Suite was one of the seasons that caught my eye at that time, and Hibiki Hojo, otherwise known as Cure Melody, caught my attention for plenty of reasons. One of which being me previously knowing her VA, Ami Koshimizu, for voicing Sailor Jupiter (my favorite Inner Senshi) in Sailor Moon Crystal, given that I was (and still am) a huge Sailor Moon fan. Another reason was also me branching out to other magical girl media during the pandemic. I was already familiar with shows like Powerpuff Girls Z (my first magical girl show) and Madoka Magica up until 2020, and decided to try out PreCure for a bit despite my initial skepticism and refusal to try anything new.

On September 1, 2020, around the same time I was starting my last year of high school, I finally started watching Suite and while I knew Hibiki was going to be my favorite in the show I didn't expect myself to love her way more than I thought I would, not even knowing she would actually become one of my favorite characters of all time. She's a lot of fun every time she appears onscreen, her design rocks, and also did connect with me a lot on a personal level. As someone who has experienced separation anxiety as a kid (and still sometimes do now), I related with Hibiki's loneliness from when her mom was often busy on tour, much like how my parents would sometimes spend a lot of time away from home for work, from weeks to even months. To add to that, I even felt burdened by others' expectations of how and what I did as I got older, similar to how Hibiki felt pressured when she had to perform at the piano recital only to end up feeling hurt by her dad's words to the point where she (temporarily) gave up her passion for music. Through her character growth, I remembered two important things: people who love and support you will always be there for you no matter what and never give up on what you want to pursue despite the hurdles you encounter in life that try to put you down or even turn you against your passions.

I literally almost teared a bit having to write all this and if you made it to the end, thank you for reading :') And of course, vote me for #1 Cure Melody fan since she has meant a lot to me for almost 4 years now 💗

#christine's ramblings of the day #precure #pretty cure #suite precure #suite pretty cure #hibiki hojo #hojo hibiki #cure melody

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lycanlovingvampyre · 1 year

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S5 Trailer Relisten

Unpopular opinion: MAG 161 hits better without the trailer. Hear me out! I said last episode I thought Jon had lost it now. He sounds so hysterical, maniacal and devastated at the end of MAG 160. Hearing the trailer tells us that the two are somewhat, as far as you can be given the situation, okay in the cabin. That Jon is depressed, totally understandable, but has not lost himself completely. That kind of takes that fear of "OMG, what happened to Jon" away. And since MAG 161 doesn't start with the cabin, but with that fucking birthday tape, that fear only gets worse! Don't get me wrong, I like the S5 trailer. I just think it's better to listen to it after MAG 161 for the surprise effect and I always recommend this order of listening to friends I managed bullying into TMA.

MARTIN: (knocking) "Knock, knock!" JON: "Who’s there?" MARTIN: "Just me." JON: "Just me who." MARTIN: "What?" JON: "Nevermind." Ah yes. Martin Kdon’t-think-I’ve-ever-heard-him-tell-a-joke Blackwood... (Also I don't think a "Knock knock, who is it" helps Jon's overall condition...)

MARTIN: "How are you feeling today?" Oh, this is so cute, this "today" also tells us that Martin checks up on Jon regularly. This also could mean that Jon spends some time sitting alone in a room brooding and that he's been in various states. Probably a lot worse than what we hear in the trailer, and Jon doesn't sound so good in the trailer...

Jon not sounding good includes only thinking of bad stuff, doesn't think there's ever going to be a "better" and immediately dismisses Martin's comfort-tea. I mean... he has every reason to. It's the apocalypse, this isn't going to resolve itself and there might be no way at all to undo this (as far as he knows here) and why delude himself.

MARTIN: "Yes, I know, Jon; I’m not ignorant, I’m just – I’m just not ready for complete despair yet." JON: "Like me." MARTIN: "I didn’t say that." JON: "You didn’t have to." Ahh, this is so good... Both of them a hurting of course, but each one is dealing with it differently. And neither one is probably taking it so well how the other deals with it. When you're at a low like Jon people who try and try to see the good annoy you. And when you're still trying to salvage things like Martin and the other one dismisses everything it gets frustrating.

MARTIN: "You know I’m here for you." [JON INHALES, LONG AND DEEP, THEN EXHALES.] JON: "Yes." [CLOTHES RUSTLING. POSSIBLY A HUG, AT THE VERY LEAST DRAWING CLOSER TO MARTIN.] JON: "Yes I do." I'm so happy we get lots of fluffy and funny scenes with the boys because otherwise S5 would have been really hard to stomach... (Also that inhale!)

MARTIN: "You still… (sigh) Feeling it, seeing everything?" JON: "Yes. I, I’m trying not to, but – all the fear, the anguish, i-it just keeps coming at me in waves, rolling over me, filling my head with such awful sights." Ah man, that sounds like intrusive thoughts... Thanks I hate it!

MARTIN: "I’m sorry. That sounds… (small sigh) That sounds horrible." JON: "I wish it was, Martin. I really wish it was. But it feels… right." I talked about this in MAG 144. Our brain tricking us into believing things. Like our mind actually believes we're in mortal danger when having a sense of impending doom episode. And also this. Being in an exceptional state during which our mind thinks the horrible thoughts are right. (Of course, for Jon here it’s meant as something different, but that’s what I hear like a bit between the lines.)

Alright, season trailer so I'm gonna do my recap of story progression again, first copy-paste of S1-3 and then S4 lets go! MAG 1 bis 19: Start of September 2020 - July 2021 (11 months) MAG 20 - MAG 40: July 31st 2021 - August 19th 2021 (20 days) MAG 41 - MAG 80: August 19th 2021 - September 2nd 2021 (15 days) MAG 81 - MAG 120: September 2nd - September 20th 2021 (19 days - with 7 days intermission) MAG 121 - MAG 160: September 20th 2021 - October 1st 2021 (12 days)

And for anticipation of S5? I had no idea, I thought it was a pretty bad situation but I thought obviously there has to be something going on because there are 40 more episodes so they're somehow going to save the world!

@a-mag-a-day

#a-mag-a-day #tma s5 trailer #tma #tma spoilers

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adrianicsea · 2 years

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so uh. the saw 7 survivor group blog posts. lawrence has one highlighted post of his own there (credit goes to @absolutedoorknob for finding this blog and posting about it in the first place, and to @macabre-angst for linking me to the post!)

this post is interesting enough in its own right, because we don’t have much of ANYTHING canon to work off of when it comes to lawrence. whoever wrote for him did a really good job— the writing doesn’t sound exactly like lawrence’s speech pattern, but it DOES read like it would if lawrence sat down to write something. (fwiw, this post DOES read a lot like cary elwes’ own writing voice in his princess bride memoir, which wasn’t published until a year or two after this blog was made. so that’s... interesting.) the one or two typos add a bit of character, and i’m VERY intrigued by the way jigsaw isn’t always capitalized, and that he seems to prefer writing it in lowercase to capitalizing it. lawrence being so adamant that his job was NEVER to nurture or heal is.... well. i’ll be honest it makes me want to scream and cry and throw up. to me, it reads very much as him having lost any and all idealism or self-worth/self-illusion about his job and falling fully into the nihilism of being an apprentice. it would be so painful to admit that you had gone from healing people to willfully hurting them— wouldn’t it just be easier to lie to yourself and say that you had never been a healer at all? wouldn’t that hurt less? if you never had a heart, then you don’t know what you’re missing. having a heart and having it torn out of you is the worst pain there is.

anyways it would all be well and good if it were just lawrence’s solitary post on the blog— and at a cursory glance, it is. the other posts are either from bobby dagen or the other survivors in the group. but when you look a little closer at the comments... there’s one anonymous poster who shows up over and over again. first on simone’s post...

now, a bit of metatextual context— saw 7 had its wide release on october 29, 2010. when this comment was written, the vast majority of the public hadn’t seen the movie, so how would they know about the fake survivor? it’s also apparent from looking through the comments that this person deliberately chose to be anonymous, as the way blogger sets up its guest accounts looks different.

but like. really and truly... look at the writing style and voice. curious! let’s see if we can spot this anonymous poster in the comments on any of the other survivors’ po—

AH.

it really doesn’t get much more obvious than that, does it? at this point in the series, nobody has seen adam’s corpse who’s still alive to talk about it. amanda is dead, eric is dead, john is LONG dead, daniel may as well be dead because he’s not mentioned at all in 7. this comment has a double meaning: lawrence has seen adam’s body (likely, given his longstanding apprenticeship), but it also reads as him being haunted by guilt and uncertainty over adam, for people who don’t know what’s REALLY going on with lawrence.

i really don’t have it in me to do a full fledged meta analysis of this comment yet bc honestly i’m just reeling from FINDING it. ask me again later if you’re interested. either way, it’s clear from the consistent tone and subtext (think critically about your trap and what you learned, don’t listen to bobby) that this is the same person who commented on simone’s post, and the slip about adam is pretty much a smoking gun that it’s lawrence. so what else did lawrence say to his fellow survivors?

i don’t have much to say about these, partially bc i haven’t seen any of the movies that are being referenced in these posts. it’s more of the same, really— lawrence being backhandedly-supportive, while warning against bobby. his “darker ghosts” comment is... interesting, but i don’t really know what to make of it yet.

what’s really haunting is the last comment i saw that can reasonably be attributed to him:

this is the one I’m LEAST sure about, because it’s so out of time sequence with the rest of them. but again, the way the anonymous account looks is VERY different from “real” guest/anon comments on the blog posts, and the way it’s written sounds like the same person who wrote the others. this... speaks VOLUMES to lawrence’s true guilt and feelings about the person he’s become.

anyways sorry for clogging up everybody’s dash with this but i could not for the life of me get a read more to work. and again, credit for finding/posting about this blog to @absolutedoorknob because i wouldn’t have had any clue this existed otherwise! please hit me up to talk about this bc it’s got me lying facedown in the darkness

#saw #lawrence gordon #saw meta #saw vii #saw the final chapter

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terastalungrad · 6 months

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BB20: Sunday 15 October

No episode of Big Brother on Saturday. Strange! That's how it was in early Channel 4 days. No use being interesting on eviction day, housemates. Very unlikely to be broadcast.

Noky is bothered by eviction etiquette. When Farida was evicted, too many people flocked to Kerry who survived eviction.

Noky confronts Olivia about this - a terrible idea, since Olivia doesn't compromise or hide her feelings, no matter how tactless. Olivia was relieved that Farida was evicted, and she was never going to pretend otherwise.

Trish and Yinrun bond over fashion.

Trish: I'm understanding your style more now. You're quite classy.

Yinrun: Yes I am.

They both laugh.

Trish: You've got classy style. I like slutty stuff.

Yinrun: I know.

Scandalised laughter!

Yinrun: Your style suits you.

More scandalised laughter!

Trish: Yours doesn't.

I LOVE THEM.

Matty talking positively about being in an open relationship. It's not about preventing cheating, he says, but about being open to experiences.

Olivia finds this unbelievable, especially that Matty's mother knows.

Henry and Jordan gather around Farida's bed.

Henry: Shall we say a few words?

Jordan: No. She wouldn't have listened to them.

Henry laughs the Toriest laugh ever laughed.

Yinrun and Jordan bonding over clothing. I think eviction night has encouraged the housemates to think about fashion.

Hehe, Dylan's realised the shopping was done badly.

Paul perceives that groups are forming in the house. The shopping will be a touchy subject, because the two broad groups have different values and priorities.

Kerry speculates with Hallie about Paul. Kerry reckons Olivia fancies him, but won't let herself "go there".

Jenkin's shocked that there's such argument over the food even though they had a luxury shopping budget this week.

Jenkin: All I asked for was a Kinder Bueno. And I didn't even get it.

Trish ordered lamb chops, and occasionally cooks them for herself. She's shocked that she's gained a reputation over snacking.

Hallie: Your snacking is fucking lamb chops and pasta, bruv.

Trish takes this in very good humour. She's happy to change her habits.

Later, Trish worries she and Olivia could be in line to replace Farida as a public enemy.

Kerry was a lifelong Tory voter, but was put off by Boris Johnson. Don't get too excited, though, she thinks Rishi Sunak is the best of a bad bunch.

Zak questions why politicians are paid so much. "They don't," says Kerry. Henry believes the reason there aren't good people in politics is because they don't get paid enough.

I really wish it was more well-known how much money MPs are able to make through their positions. Boris Johnson is going to be so much richer as a former Prime Minister than he was before. And he was already extremely wealthy.

Oh, Zak, you legend!

Zak: How much does the average MP make a year?

Henry: Between 60 and 70 -

Zak: The average person in the UK earns £20,000 a year. 80% earns £20,000 per year.

I did NOT expect accurate anyone in this conversation to be this informed!

The figures are out of date, and presumably he means 80% earn £20k or less - but still. Henry struggled to remember Liz Truss's name earlier, despite being a die-hard Tory supporter.

"I need to stop moaning about being in the highest tax bracket," says Kerry.

She says she was on just over £7k a year when she started in the NHS, and Zak points out that that money would've gone a lot further back then.

I keep thinking of Kerry as being older and a bit out of touch. She is ... two years older than me. But hey, voting Tory ages you.

Jenkin's really hurt by Kerry mentioning being in the highest tax bracket.

Trish builds bridges with Olivia. But ooh, they send Kerry away because they're having a big chat. In the bedroom! You can't hog the bedroom! This house has so many spaces for deep chat.

Chanelle given a secret mission - give housemates backhanded compliments to earn a big jar of sweets for the house. The more brutal, the more sweets.

Chanelle slags off:

Kerry's jumper. Says it looks like something from a circus. Kerry happily agrees.

Matty's hat. Says it looks like the ugly rabbit from Wallace and Gromit. Dylan tries on the hat to show that it's equally unflattering on everyone. "I think you look alright," Chanelle tells him.

Jenkin's accent. We don't do backhanded compliments in Wales, so to Jenkin she says, "As much as I like being Welsh, when I listen to you it makes my ears bleed. ... Do you want this tea or what?"

Jordan's style. Slags off his shirt, making Jordan want to go and change. Big Brother clarifies she was meant to criticise his SMILE.

Dylan's hairdressing skills. Dylan's trimming Zak's hair. "Have you done it with your eyes shut?" This inspires Dylan to ... try harder.

The house is delighted to get the sweets. Matty is delighted because his lovely rabbit hat is off the hook.

"I was ragin'," says Jenkin about his accent. "I was going to pull you aside and be like: BUTT!"

Jordan has changed his shirt.

Biggest reveal from this task: the housemates were provided with clothes from this year's sponsor.

Noky comes to collect photos of the housemates' family from the diary room.

Oh, she does a fun thing of pretending she's gathering people for a bad reason. Zak is DELIGHTED by her prank.

They talk about their families. They all cry. Except for Jordan, whose photo is of a lovely plaza he likes.

Henry is properly head over heels with Jordan. Gazing at him with stars in his eyes.

Trish and Zak bond over having list their fathers.

Chanelle in the diary room is given the final word of the episode. I think we're seeing the production team making sure everyone gets a chance to stand out.

#bbuk

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alyjojo · 7 months

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The Person On Your Mind in October 🤵🏼‍♂️ 2023 - Gemini

Whole of their energy towards Gemini: 6 Swords

It feels like someone chose their career over you? Not for everyone, but it’s here, or it could feel that way. They’ve moved away from this and the drama involved in it, probably literally living at a distance, everything involving them shows some kind of distance between you. They’re goal oriented, focused on themselves, very practical, could be a single parent, they’re not interested in drama, and fear getting involved with you for this reason.

Feelings: King of Cups rev

You’ve probably apologized to them, because it’s a heavy burden that weighs on their shoulders. Either they see you as someone emotionally immature and manipulative, using guilt trips and different “aw I care so much” tactics to persuade or fk with their head/heart…or something about you makes this person highly emotional, because they do have some sort of feelings for you, they care deeply. Could be love, but these two Cups people aren’t matched properly, so if it is love, it’s not enough to make this work. Could also be a 3rd party situation they’re not touching with a 10 foot pole, or if you’ve moved on to someone else, they’re fine with it. A 3rd party would be the burden here if that applies, like they can accept an apology sure, but they’re not doing anything else.

Intentions: 6 Pentacles rev

They don’t intend to reciprocate anything you’ve given them, communication, maybe an outpouring of emotions with this King rev, that could be a declaration of love or something. They intend to stay almost rigid, controlled, respecting boundaries, rules, morals, whatever applies to this situation. They know if they reciprocate then they have to return, or you’d want them to, and they don’t want to do that.

Actions: 9 Cups

As an action…getting drunk? Possibly. Or they’re just focusing on the things that make them happy, their goals, their work, maybe a person idk. They can’t handle this “failure” between you, or failing at whatever they’re doing now, like it’s not even an option to them. If they’re happy, they’re staying happy. Or headed in that direction. Giving up on this connection has wounded their pride, ego, surface level “hurt” but I don’t see this running as deeply as it seems you’d want it to. Or as much as yours does. Do they care about you, yes. Are they coming back around to do anything about it, no.

Messages:

Their side:

- I won’t go backwards, only forwards.

- Loyal

Your side:

- Too Different

- You hurt me first.

Possible signs:

Cancer, Aquarius, Pisces, Capricorn & Sagittarius

If you’re dealing with:

7 Cups with Queen of Swords, that’s you, working through your options from an emotionally detached & logical point of view. There’s probably a lot of confusion regarding the people in your world and you’re needing to see things as they are, not how you’d like them to be. Fantasies need some fact-checking. This Queen will hack away at these cups one by one until she’s left with the one that shows the choice she’s needing to make, the truth, ridding herself of any excess confusion 😵‍💫

Aries - probably family, one cycle is ending and you or they are being very patient regarding how things move forward

Taurus - unhealthily obsessed with work, money, career, status, legacies, probably not hearing much from them this month

Gemini - moving very slowly towards making a decision, or this could be a lawsuit of some kind…it’s moving along, but they need some perspective, yours?

Cancer - they’re good, independent, and moving away from any drama

Leo - dozens of messages flying in at once because they’re hurt, maybe because of you, this is the energy of a texting WAR, be safe 🙏

Virgo - it is their goal to leave, maybe travel

Libra - panicking over how you’re feeling about them, assuming the worst, replaying things in their head on repeat, because they love you 🥹

Scorpio - communicates like an asshole, calling you one, or you both are 💯

Sagittarius - could be asking you out, or sending cute messages with the intention of doing so, they think you’re something special

Capricorn - had to end this so their wish could come true, success and all of the accolades, could definitely be this person

Aquarius - likely ghosting you, or switch it 👻

Pisces - creating something magical out of a burdensome situation, they’re deeply committed to you and in love if this your person 💚

#Gemini #gemini tarot reading #person on your mind #October 2023 #tarot #tarotblr

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hummingbird-games · 7 months

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Dev Diaries

October 1, 2023

My goodness, it's the first devlog post-Crushed release!! How did that happen???

And where the heck has 2023 gone?!?! 🙃

Okay, pausing--for like four seconds--on the sillies, I've got some updates for y'all, so have a seat and get comfy.

Crushed updated build is out!!!

Now with the rest of the partial voice acting!!!

It was a super fun experience with the VA and I giggled a lot to hear the words I wrote spoken into existence. I think the next project I work on with voice work will also be partial. However, I can't imagine doing a whole game with full voice work. I can feel the mental break down from that possibility making its descent....

The postmortem was longer than I anticipated it to be, so it shall be posted separately (and with a read more for your scrolling needs) sometime! I go into (more) details on my inspiration and the process from hesitant idea, to jam entry, to a full-blown game, and all the heartbreak and burnout and catharsis in between!

You can also search 'gamedev rambles' or 'crushed vn' where I've already blabbed about Development Tingz LOL.

2. The HBG Twitter account has been nuked.

Yeah. Apologies if this is how you're finding out about it. I honestly have no idea where my audience is located as y'all are a quiet (but supportive) bunch. But for me as a player, it hurts because many of my peers are only on or are most active on Twitter.

However, me and the bird app have been at odds for a while so I guess it was just a matter of time... 🥲

3. Game Jam Gemini Mode

Alright, time to get serious-serious. (HA!)

While I was Fighting The Good Fight concerning getting Crushed up before the summer ended, I started dropping hints about the next project I wanted to work on with Yuri Jam (and Once Upon A Time jam) coming up.

Well. After giving it some thought, forcing myself to pause long enough to breathe, catching up on personal reading and other things, and again, giving it more thought: nope.

I could ignore this decision which I hate and push on anyway, but the consequences are not ones I want to deal with, nor will I be physically able to handle. (Yes, this is a direct reference to my health lol).

My plan about this time was to start reaching out to people and create a team--given that I banged out a script at lighting speed just so I knew what roles I needed and was prepared. I'm still not sure where that burst of frenzied energy came from, but it's gone now.

And then in between making Crushed live and getting the first voiced update done, I started to feel really weird. Like "Hello, Anxiety My Old Friend" weird. And I kept berating myself for dragging my feet, especially as Yuri Jam (and OUAT) are so 'chill' and 'easy-going' and why was I still freaking out? What was wrong with me???

Anyway, once the last voiced update went live, it hit me how utterly exhausted I was. Still am(?) So it's insane to think I was somehow going to have enough energy to lead a whole ass team to create one more project before the year ends. Even if said project was under 5k words.

Even as I write this saying I'm done, a part of me keeping scheming up ways to make it work.

But I wouldn't be doing it for the right reasons anyway (i.e. feeling like I should participate in more jams because every other developer is and I'm a bad indie dev if I don't, and feeling this desperation to prove I can tell other kinds of stories. ahahahaha)

A L S O I am broke 😂 And money talks louder than anything else!! This was the year--and continues to be the year-- of medical expenses and emergencies so like...gotta recover from that too.

The Knight Dance (my short Yuri idea) shall return, but next year at the earliest. And who knows? It might benefit from me not working on it now. Or that's what I'm telling myself so my brain will chill.

4. Tackling Ko-fi

I keep saying I'm going to start putting content on ko-fi, or posts, or something, and I keep proving to be a liar. That ends soon!

I've been playing around with the idea of adding both content for subs and one-time donators as well as free content, these things all exclusive to ko-fi. So there's an incentive to you guys to visit and an incentive for me to keep up with it.

There's a lot to the world of HSD/Crushed that just didn't make it into the games, and probably won't for a while, and then there are drabbles and longer stories that would be fun to write and share for anyone who's curious.

Okay!!!

In conclusion!!!

Go play Crushed!! Go support some game Kickstarters!! Go support a Pateron/Ko-fi of your fave creator!! Go replay some games!!

And watch this space for the Crushed postmortem and my yearly games & demos wrap up!!

And maaaaaaaybe catch me on the sideblog where I embody the cringe gamer girl I truly am???

~ Gemini

#gamedev #crushed vn #the knight dance #updates and rambles

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bringmoresorrows · 7 months

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Life Update

It's been a long time since I posted a life update. Lots of new things has happened in my life especially since i haven't updated in a year. Last year, I got myself into a situationship with this guy I became really close to really quickly and broke up with my ex of 4 years. We were dating from 2018-2022. Wow. A lot of things happened between my ex and I thankfully nothing traumatizing between us but we were falling out of love a year before the break up. As it got closer and closer to the end, I felt nothing to my ex. I was sick of how my ex constantly made me feel guilty for being myself. Plus my ex was transphobic and homophobic. Theres reasons for it as she came out as trans after we broke up. She never wanted to go out on dates with me, we stayed in the house and she didn't want to get to know my friend until like the week before we broke up. We had an apartment for a week and a half last April because the landlord said it was okay that we had the ferret then last minute they pulled back saying "nah get rid of the ferret" so we left. But it took a lot of me arguing with her for her to stand up to the landlord as my name wasn't on the lease, her name was. After that, anything i felt towards her was gone. I moved in with my parents in July and that was when my situationship with my friend started.

My heart was broken around September/October and I quickly moved onto someone new. But in between, I had no place to live aside form my parents couch and all my stuff was in storage. I even lost my ferret. My ex kept her. I got promoted to manager at my workplace and got a 2% pay increase which landed me at $20/hr where I was working 34-36 hrs a week and towards the holiday season after working 40-42 hrs a week. So I was bringing home a lot of money and had zero bills. I started building up my savings and come October, I moved in with two of my friends.

October was an interesting month last year, we had no furniture and we couldn't afford anything as we just dumped our savings into this place. It's a three bedroom apartment with 1.5 bathrooms. We have an in house washer and dryer and a dishwasher. It was awesome! We have so much space. The friend group kept making plans at my place and a few things led to another and that situationship friend and I broke things off. Mid october, I started talking to this guy over instagram. And we started hitting it off a lot. Turns out, my guy roommate and him are *best friends* so for our halloween party, he came on over! He lives a few boroughs away so its a 3 hour travel to his place and a 3 hour travel to mine. So 6 hrs total. So he came over the 30th and left November 1st. I got so drunk on the 31st and stuff happened between us before we were dating which is kinda another first for me as we just met in person for the first time. But the first time I did stuff with someone I wasn't dating was the situationship.

Come november, we start dating. Our relationship has been a bit rocky as we jumped into a new relationship and I was very much still hurt over the situationship and didn't want to admit it til a few months back. Plus living on my own has only amped up my mental health issues. I started my ed habits back up hard and lost 20 lbs in 2 months. I gained half of that back but its been hard.

January comes around and my ex tells me she cant house our ferret anymore so I was given the ferret <3. Bless.

February comes and my ferret gets very sick, throwing up for three days straight so we take her to the emergency vet and it helped her out a bunch <3

March comes and my mental health takes a worse turn.

April I have zero memories, In may my birthday happens. It was awesome! The friend group and I plus my bf + my sister go mini golfing! June nothing isolated. July: my internet friend from norway comes to visit and wow did it hit the roof. One thing led to another and they guilt trip me hard and gaslight me into thinking *i'm the crazy one* and I wind up having a severe mental break down where I attempted suicide. I also left the friend group. A day later my boyfriend calls me and gives me an ultimatum and tells me really harsh things to me which led me to crying for days and crying through a whole work shift (8 hours)

August comes and my depression is so severe, I wind up reaching out to a therapist and my pcp to start medication. Ella, my ferret, also has some more health issues showing up. Her tail has been losing fur for some time and her ears are getting backed up with ear wax. She wound up getting diagnosed with Adrenal Gland Disease. ;-;.

September; this month; comes around and therapy has been working and so has the meds. My relationship with my partner is getting a lot better and Ella is doing good too. She got her implant for Adrenal Disease this month. I've just been really tired ngl. Like very tired. But my house is getting decorated for halloween and its great!

Things are going really well for me and the people I used to miss I dont miss anymore. They didn't want me in their life then so be it. That's their problems. There was someone I named dropped a long time ago but I dont miss you anymore. You left my life and made it clear you never gave a fuck about me and only yourself. Goodbye to you. And to the other friends that bridges were burned, fuck it. I let go of it. I need to focus on myself and grow.

Next year around this time I will be moving in with my boyfriend and away from this borough where everyone knows each other. It will be rough to be in a more city based area. Its still a bit suburban but its very much on top of each other. I'm excited for it. I'm excited for the future that I'm going to have. I'm excited for the future with out the things that are holding me back.

#kj talks

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young--cheeseburger · 11 months

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Mid-Year Self Reflection

I turn 24 next month and I've been depressed since I was 11-12 years old.

These past few months have been really eye opening and I've been learning more and more about myself and how I coped with the world for so long isnt healthy. Nor how I saw myself.

I knew I'm depressed but seeing the tangible depths of my depression come to bite me in the ass has really been eye opening.

Ever since I broke down in September-October of 2022, I've been in a state of mourning. As well as the most "unstable" I've been. Looking back at it, it was probably a long time coming.

Feeling like I failed college not only becauae its not easy to get into but also because I didnt put my 100% and then realizing that I can't do art as a full time job anyway really left me in a bad state because I covinced myself it was all I had. And it really felt like it was. Most likely being its something I genuniely enjoyed throughout everything, even me being depressed. Drawing was fun, being able to physically see myself improve was fun and wanting to get better at this skill that I had actually felt good. It felt really good. But I am also my own worst critic so that probably didnt help things either. And since its a medium that does require my emotions to put into it (even if its silly little drawings) I've cut myself off from those. Maybe not completely but I've been in this very stagnant state for a really long time.

Hell me saying that sentence says a lot to me. "Stagnant" is like a mental checkpoint for me since thats how I described my life in High School of all things.

There's a quote from Night In The Woods where Bea tells Mae "I stayed here and got older, and you went away and stayed the same." and it really hit me since Mae also had the opportunity to go to college and didnt change. Mae is a lot more "aimless" and wants to chill and hang around though. Meanwhile I give myself way too harsh standards and constantly fail to live up to them. (geez I wonder who I got that from) Both seem like ways to cope with becoming an adult the more I think about it.

Anyways.

I'm at least glad I have some awareness towards my problems and will always try to take responsibility for my actions when I can. Its because of these issues and a few other things that I lost a few friends along the way. Although its for the better really. I was taking a lot more than I can really give and I wasn't appreciative of friendships, nor the time given by them. And as we get older in life, the less time we're able to give. I don't wanna be someome whos holding anyone back or anything. And no friend should feel like they arent cared about.

I use apathy to cope with not feeling depressed but instead it turned off any other kind of emotion and it grew into me not feeling much of anything at all. No emotions to help guide choices, no emotions to share, no emotions to feel towards anything really. In my mind, if I stopped caring, things wouldnt hurt as much.

I usually didnt talk about emotions because I didnt want to dump on people but also because I kept invalidating my own feelings. A lot of people I know have been through so much worse and here I am. Still with a family, even though they throughly hate who I am as a trans man. I got hit a few times as a kid for making mistakes/disiplinary reasons but I had friends who's parents did so much worse. So who was I to complain in the face of all of that? I should be helping them get through it then worry about what I felt because my problems seemed minor in comparison.

Comparison, the same thing my parents did constantly when I was younger until I started being the one getting compared to. Because "I can do everything right" right? A perfect little mold even if I was a dying dog. Loyal, but at what cost?

"I'm sure theres people who care about me but I don't really care too much anymore. I That just means I am really weak. Useless even until the end. I want to die. The pain would only hurt for a little while before everything is over."

That was a consistent thought in my head for so long. And I've wanted to die for so long. But up to a few weeks ago, I had actual plans for doing it too. Several ways even.

It wasnt till an old friend told me that my ways of thinking were only making me feel worse. And when I told myself I'd listen for once, I did. Before walking out again because once again, I had taken someone's emotional labor for granted.

I realized now that, yeah people will always have it worse. And yeah I can totally do my part to make sure that the people I know, friends or strangers can at least feel better. But I have to realize that what happened to me hurt me too so I can finally let it go.

I want to move on with my life, I really do. It sucks not having a bunch of the adult skills I need (driving especially) but its never too late to learn. I have time and I need to start giving myself the time like I would for others. To stop being at odds with myself and try to be neutral with my existance, instead of not caring. To want to live, to hope, even if nothing is concrete. To be like water, instead of a brick.

Trying to say that last part with this capitalist hellscape in mind is hard but people like me have survived.

Maybe I can too.

#mopey dearest desmond #2023

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thefandomwritersblog · 1 year

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It's back babes!

Better! Longer! More fleshed out than the last!! You may notice similar passages and themes, but also a lot of new stuff too! And all in all, I'm much more happy with it this time around.

Shout out and many thanks to @maelove21 ! Without her invaluable help and insights this would have taken much longer to get up off the ground. I cannot express how much I appreciate your patience, your kindness, and the wonderful friendship you've given me!

I do want to apologize to everyone. I very abruptly took this project down around the end of October with zero explanation, and I know that it confused a lot of you. I want to thank those who found a way to reach out to my friend, and asked about me. I was very surprised and touched.

The short of it, is that my mental health towards my writing took a very drastic and negative turn. I had to have a very difficult talk with both my partner and my therapist, and we all agreed that it was best to stop and pull back for a bit. I went cold turkey because I knew that if I didn't the emotions would only get worse.

I put a lot of thought into Ghost of the Ten while it was down, and I came to the simple conclusion that I still loved this story very much. It is by far the work that I am the most proud of, and I want to make sure that the work I post reflects that joy and pride. So this time around, I will be adding (and editing out) a lot more scenes that feel longer, and more fleshed out, and incorporate the ideas I wanted to incorporate the first time around.

I appreciate your patience, I really do. This fandom has been nothing but kind to me since I got into it in February, and I look forward to showing you all the next chapter!

Ghost of the Ten Horizon Forbidden West Hekarro x Fem!OldOne Action/Adventure/Hurt/Comfort/Romance Chapter 1

PART 1: Tomb of the Ten

“We never fully die even in what we think of as actual death. We change again and become echoes in others, and they carry us forward.”

― Eric Overby

Hekarro liked to think of himself as a reasonable and level-headed individual.

He was like that of a steel blade forged in the fires of conflict. Honed through the many trials he faced over his long years. As a result, there was little in the world that troubled his mind these days. He faced each challenge with tenacity and grace, guiding his people toward the unity and prosperity he'd envisioned since he first conquered the Grove nearly two decades ago.

Yet, there was an anxiety in his gut he couldn’t shake.

He kept a safe distance from the excavations, his hands clasped behind his back to keep his knuckles from popping. Aloy hovered by his side, bouncing with nervous energy. She recognized the importance of this work, both for the Oseram workers who darted around like frantic machines and for him. Hekarro had little tolerance for outsiders, Oseram more so than others due to their tendency to plunder sacred Tenakth sites.

Nevertheless, the work they performed today was vital, and Hekarro required the Oseram to complete it, regardless of his feelings. Regalla and her final stand had collapsed several tunnels beneath the Arena, tunnels that had already been weakened when her Rockbreaker had broken through the last time she tried to kill him. As a result, a number of sinkholes formed, destabilizing the entire structure and killing several of his guards. Cleaning up the damage and securing what was left was dangerous work.

“Almost ready, Petra!” called an excavator from the threshold of a nearby tunnel. Petra, a robust Oseram woman who stood on Aloy’s other side, gave him a wave,

“Keep that blast under control,” She barked back, her voice carrying across the arena, “Everyone else get clear!”

Hekarro followed Aloy and Petra to safety while the rest of the crews cleared the floor. They ducked behind a large pillar opposite the tunnel, and he listened to the sappers begin their countdown. He could almost taste the tension in the humid air around him, and saw it easily on the faces of the men and women around him. Suddenly, Petra nudged him in the arm. The smile on her was plain as the day when he turned to look at her,

“Nervous there, Chief?” She teased. Hekarro huffed at her; he admired her candor. Petra carried herself with pride, and easily held the respect of the men under her command. She was easy to get along with, but wasn’t a pushover by any means of the word.

“So long as your explosives don’t cause any more harm.”

“Don’t worry your pretty head there, Chief, my boys know what they’re doing. We’ll get that tunnel cleared and shored up in no time! Then, we’ll see about exploring that nifty Old One Ruin beneath your Grove.”

The explosives shook the arena floor with their tremendous force, and the Oseram were back to work before the dust settled down. Aloy chuckled nervously at his side before he could offer a dry retort,

“Maybe,” she said, casting Petra a sidelong glance, “Maybe it would be best for Chief Hekarro and I to go first. Just to make sure everything is safe. Besides you said it yourself, the ruin is under the Grove so he should have the honor of exploring it first.”

“Oh, I know!” Petra nudged him again with a grin, “I just like teasing him! It’s fun to try and get a rise out of someone so stoic .”

Hekarro suppressed his laughter with a cough and turned away.

Hekarro and Aloy watched on as Petra and her men worked. They were quick, efficient, and barely looked up from their own tasks while their Forgewoman barked out her orders.

“Do you have an idea of what we’ll find down there?”

"Not really," she said, shaking her head free of whatever reverie she was in, "but if I had to guess, probably JTF-10 Artifacts from the Old World. In any case, it's a fantastic find for the Tenakth."

“It is,” Hekarro agreed, “All the more reason I’m thankful that Kotallo called you here."

Aloy flushed with a scoff but didn't comment. Instead, she almost bumped into Kotallo who appeared at her side with Dekka in tow,

“There are few with the knowledge of the Old World like you, Aloy.” Kotallo teased, to which Aloy rolled her eyes. Dekka chuckled,

“And we are lucky for it and even luckier that you managed to convince the Chief to allow the Oseram to help.”

His champion grinned, “I can be convincing when I want to be.”

“When you’re not threatening me.” Hekarro deadpanned; Aloy scoffed once more and poked Kotallo in the arm when he laughed at her.

For the better part of an hour, they watched the frantic shuffle of the Oseram as they worked. In and out of the tunnels, tools and materials on their shoulders, until Petra herself finally emerged from the underground. She called them over with a wave of her hands, slapping the dirt and debris from her hands against the leathers of her things.

“Everything is in order,” she said, a frown on her face, “We shored up the tunnels as best as we could, but there are still a few areas that are structurally unsound. I need the both of you to be aware ; if anything load-bearing collapses you two could die, and I don’t need that on my hands.”

“We’ll be safe, Petra,” Aloy assured her. Petra replied with a grunt but allowed her to pass after giving her a stern glare.

"I also advise caution," Dekka warned, reaching for his crown. He let her take it, relieved to be free of the heavy thing, especially if he was going to explore the underground tunnels with Aloy, "Do not make me dig out your corpses if the worst happens."

Hekarro smirked, "You and Kotallo keep watch. Make certain that no one enters until we return."

She gave him a stern salute, and Hekarro turned on his heel to follow Aloy into the underground.

From the very moment he stepped into the darkness, he was keenly aware of the enclosed tunnel walls surrounding them. Cooler than the oppressive humidity outside, the air was thick with the smell of wet stone and damp metal. Along the tunnel, he noticed evidence of the Oseram's labors, such as support beams and pillars lined up against the rock, with the occasional flickering torch.

Then, a groan rippled along the ceiling above them, accompanied by the soft crackle of debris as gravel hit the floor. Hekarro tensed and reached out to grab Aloy's armor collar. He yanked her back and drew them both to the wall, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. The groaning eventually subsided, and the tunnel fell silent except for the faint sound of his measured breathing in the darkness. Aloy was tense next to him, far too silent, far too aware, before she finally exhaled a soft sigh of relief.

"I think the tunnels are just settling," she grumbled. Hekarro grunted under his breath, but let her go when she tested her weight against his grip.

“Should we turn back?”

"If you want," he saw her shadow turn to him in the dark, "but I'm curious about what's down here, so I'll keep going."

He almost laughed at her stubbornness as he heard her footsteps retreat against stone, and he followed after her, determined not to let her wander off alone. They pursued the twisting stone path until the walls started to rust and they came to a fork in the path. The tunnel to their left opened through a broken wall into an empty and dark room beyond. To their right, it continued into the unknown shadows.

“Aloy?”

She hummed under her breath, “Probably best to take the left. It seems the most direct, and the safest. Oh! Before we go further in, I want you to take this.”

She reached into her belt-tied pack and pulled out a gleaming jewel for him to take. He examined it in the dim light. It was no bigger than the pad of his thumb and looked incredibly delicate. As he did not want to waste any more time, he placed the strange jewel on his temple like he had seen the others do. The world around him suddenly lit up in various shades of purple. The sight made his stomach tighten, images and glyphs he couldn't understand flashing before his eyes in disorienting waves.

“Aloy, I-“ he moved to take it off but stopped short as her tiny hand wrapped around his wrist

"I know it's a lot," She reassured him, drawing his attention back to her with a soft gesture of her hand, "But you're going to see a lot of strange things inside, and you'll need a way to make sense of it all. Just give it a second, you’ll adjust."

Hekarro closed his eyes against the onslaught of information to rein in his composure. In and out, he counted his breaths until the coil in his stomach disappeared and he reopened his eyes. Everything still seemed strange, awash in various multicolored hues, but with greater clarity, he easily distinguished between the jewel's projection and the physical world around him.

“Are you ready?”

Before he could respond, another rumble reverberated through the tunnel. Louder and far more powerful than the last. The very ceiling gave way above as huge, heavy boulders smashed down to the ground with a resounding roar. Before he could even process the thought, Hekarro pushed Aloy through the open threshold and she fell to the floor with a loud grunt.

"Hekarro!"

The wall between them collapsed, cutting her cry short.

With the tunnel out of the underground completely caved in, Hekarro dove into the opposite corridor and took off in a dead sprint. There was just enough illumination from the jewel to allow him to see where he was going. His pulse raced. His breath was labored and ablaze within his lungs. Raising an arm to protect his face from falling debris, he sped through the chaos as deftly as the narrow passage would allow.

Then he noticed a faint glimmer of low light ahead of him. Hekarro dug his heels into the floor and sprinted across a worn threshold just as it gave way behind him. A hot lance of pain shot up his arm as he slammed into the steel floor with a groan, but he bit down on the yelp that threatened to leave his mouth. In the small, unfamiliar room around him, the aftershocks of the cave-in rumbled, shaking steel and stone until it fell silent.

Now that he was no longer in imminent danger, Hekarro relaxed and took a moment to breathe. His shoulder ached, and he rolled the joint to stretch it. The fact that it didn't hurt too badly gave him hope that his shoulder hadn't been dislocated. Being at a disadvantage in an unknown environment was the last thing he needed right now. With an unsteady sway, Hekarro pushed himself to his feet and scanned the room in which he had found himself trapped.

The jewel at his ear cast a faint outline of ancient furniture in the darkness, haphazardly tossed as if the previous occupants had left it in a hurry. Beyond the wreckage, he noticed the shadow of a door that was half-open and extended even deeper into the underground. He approached cautiously, alert to his surroundings in case of an ambush.

“Hekarro?!”

Hekarro swore loudly and jumped a mile out of his skin. He glanced over at the door, where he half expected to see Aloy peeking through the crack but saw instead only pitch blackness.

"If you can hear me, just touch the Focus at your ear. It’ll open a channel for us to communicate."

Hekarro hesitated for only a moment before he did as she told, “Aloy?”

"You're still alive!” The relief in her voice was palpable, “Are you hurt?”

"I only sprained my shoulder," he explained as he tested the door's strength. He put his full weight on it, and it moaned but didn't give. "Otherwise, I'm in one piece. Where are you?”

“Somewhere on the other side of the facility, I think?" she replied, “It’s hard to tell. Do you see a way out from where you are?”

Hekarro noticed a rigid piece of a broken steel rod nearby, which he examined for a moment before he grabbed it and turned his attention back to the door.

“No.”

His shoulder protested in pain as he pushed against the broken door with the rod. Fighting him for every centimeter, it slid across the threshold until he finally had enough room to wiggle through.

"Nothing on my end, either," Aloy sighed, "but Kotallo says Petra and her team are already digging us out, so I'll see if I can find my way over to you."

“That’s all well and good, Aloy,” Hekarro said, “but only the foolish stand idle and wait for a rescue that could take hours.”

"Well, if you're going to go exploring, just be careful," she cautioned, "Old One Ruins are dangerous, and for good reason."

Hekarro simply grunted in reply. Aloy fell silent over the jewel, and it stretched into the yawning darkness of the corridor, his own shallow breathing his constant companion. The passage twisted and turned in seemingly every direction, far beyond what he knew to be the Grove's boundaries. Hekarro wasn't a fool; he'd known about the underground tunnels for years now, but every attempt to clear them out had ended in death and disaster until they finally lay forgotten in during the Red Raids.

Was it just bad timing that they were unearthed after Regalla's death?

Or, perhaps it was providence? Another indication from the Ten that he was prepared to learn more of their secrets? What would they show him if that were the case?

The uncertainty unnerved him more than he was willing to admit.

Hekarro turned a corner to another corridor that opened out into a large antechamber. Like the room before, ancient and broken furniture lay strewn across the room with no sign of its previous occupants either. Instead, a glimmer on a nearby counter caught his eye. It shimmered with a bright light in the darkness and drew him to it like a moth to the flame. Suddenly, the Focus chimed again in his ear, but instead of Aloy’s voice an image materialized before his eyes.

Hekarro frowned, perplexed by what he saw. Aloy had given this jewel, this Focus, to Kotallo as well, and he'd often found his Marshal enthralled by whatever it allowed him to see. And just as he’d witnessed Kotallo and Aloy do, Hekarro reached a tentative hand out to the symbols.

"I'm not sure where to begin," The voice of an unknown man echoed in his ear. So clear and concise that Hekarro almost believed they were standing side-by-side, “but the Colonel insisted I leave something, anything, behind.”

He could hear the painful shudder of emotion in the man’s voice, the subtle sigh as if his throat was thick with tears, “When all this chaos began, I was convinced that we were going to come out on top. Humans vs. machines, the dream sold by General Herres as Operation: Enduring Victory. Buy the scientists over at Project: Zero Dawn some time to finish their superweapon."

“It was all a lie…”

“There never was a superweapon. There never was a chance of winning against the Swarm. Herres lied, but I got a feeling that the Colonel had always known that something was wrong. She’s far too calm for a woman looking down the business end of the apocalypse and… She’s planning something. I served under Colonel Faraday for years, I know that look in her eye. It's not a secret that she called the Staff Sergeant into the base today. To be honest, I'm relieved to be here making this stupid audio journal. There’s always a fight when those two are together…”

The voice cut to eerie silence and the image blinked against the stark darkness around him. Hekarro remained frozen in shock, reeling at the brief glimpse into the past the Focus showed him. The Old Ones against machines- this…Swarm…

He reflected on his younger years. In the Valley of the Fallen, beneath the hulking carcass of a machine that had long since died. Even back then, he could not forget how tiny and insignificant he felt next to it. And the Ancients had lost a hopeless battle against its armies. That he was standing here and now proved it, but what had happened in the time since their fall?

What had finally stopped the Swarm?

What was Project: Zero Dawn?

And why did he have the impression that Aloy knew the answers?

Without a doubt, fate followed that girl wherever she went, and the earth trembled in her wake. He remembered that first day they met with fondness, the unstoppable storm that blew into his Grove, determined to get her way even if it meant crossing spears. It amused him, even then, just how much of himself he saw in her determined expression. Yet, whereas she was the wild storm that swept over the unprepared, he was the patient hunter who knew how to make even the strongest warriors submit to his will.

Hekarro shook his head to dispel his unsettling thoughts and continued through the antechamber to the opposite wall's door. He proceeded further and further into the bowels of the subterranean complex, passing by abandoned rooms and bunkers that lay in unearthly stillness.

“Hekarro?”

He once again jumped as Aloy’s voice cut through the quiet like a hot blade. She was nowhere to be seen when he looked for her, so he once again tapped the Focus and continued his explorations.

“I’m here, Aloy.”

“Good. Have you found a way out yet?”

Hekarro rounded a darkened corner and came to a halt in front of a closed door. The wall console blinked slowly in the dark, an unsettling contrast to the otherwise powerless rooms he'd passed through.

“I don’t know, I just found a powered door.”

“Really? That's strange…” She muttered, and Hekarro couldn’t help but agree. He pushed the button on the glowing console and winced as the creaking old door sprang open. When he crossed the threshold, he entered a glass hallway that looked out onto a room lit up by several power cores. Their intensity was such that he could feel them vibrate through the ground.

For the life of him, he couldn’t understand what their purpose was. He was aware that the generator beneath his throne powered the Grove and its visions, but that tiny room paled in comparison to what he saw now.

What was down here that required so much power?

Hekarro walked the entire length of the glass corridor to another closed door, whose console blinked slowly against the wall. The soft pad of Aloy's boots echoed off the walls before he felt her presence at his side. He gave her a quick glance over his shoulder, his hand hovering above the switch, and she simply shrugged at him,

“It’s your choice.”

His previous anxiety returned. A small part of him pleaded with him to turn around. To leave and let the tunnels collapse in on themselves. Let the secrets of the Ten be buried, because whatever they were, nothing good could ever come of them.

Nevertheless, Hekarro decided to press on despite his misgivings. The doors hissed open as the console chimed. With Aloy close behind, they crossed the threshold into one final chamber, and what he saw left him speechless.

He counted nine metal tombs in a room large enough to fit a small congregation of his Tenakth and still have room to move comfortably. Eight of the tombs lined the walls on either side; each with its own console, and each cold and dead with a single window that peered into dark interiors. At the foot of the tombs lay a footlocker, old and withered with age, the burnished rust eating away at the corners of the metal chests.

However, it was the tomb at the far end of the room that drew their attention. He could feel the thrum of power in the floor from where they were, a cold chill in the air around them. They approached with caution, wary of the empty tombs on either side until they were only a few feet away. It, too, had its own active and glowing console, as well as a footlocker at its base. The Focus on his temple caught a glint of another testament atop the lid and chimed as it materialized another display.

“This is Colonel Anne Faraday of the United States Air Force,” Hekarro dared not move a muscle, frozen in shock, “ and if you’re listening to this, then I’m dead and gone.”

“Is that…”

Aloy fell silent at the curt gesture of his hand,

“I… I don’t have a lot of time, and… sentimentality is lost on the both of us, so I’ll keep this brief. I know that you’re angry. That you probably have a list of things you want to say to me when you wake up, but… There are things I must do as a Colonel, and there are things that I must do as your mother, but this? This is the most selfish thing I will ever do for myself. I lived my life, Victoria, but if this experiment succeeds then you still have a chance to live yours.”

Hekarro's chest tightened, his eyes wide with awe and horror. He closed the gap between himself and the Tomb before he could stop himself, before Aloy could even protest. A pale blue light shone from within, the glass to the interior fogged and thick condensation, but he could just make out the shadow of a mysterious figure inside.

“I… I left something in my exhibit for you. Something to remember all of us by. It’s yours if you want it. I'm not going to pretend I was perfect. I made a lot of mistakes, but that doesn't change the fact that I have always loved you. And for however long it takes… I hope the future is kinder to you.”

Anne's voice faded away, and the only sound that remained was the monotonous hum of the tomb.

“I thought…” Aloy muttered somewhere behind him, “I thought they couldn’t perfect the technology in time…”

Wordlessly, Hekarro reached out a hand to wipe the haze from the window. His breath fogged up the encasement anyway, the moment he stood closer, squinting for a clearer view. And ever so slowly, a dawning realization sank into his twisting stomach when he found himself staring— not at his reflection, but at the features of another. Hekarro stumbled backward, briefly losing his footing as he tried to make sense of the sight of a sleeping woman encased in a thick rime of ice.

“Aloy,” he whispered, feeling as though the ground was about to give way beneath him, “Is that...?"

She gasped beside him, eyes just as wide as his own.

“It’s… a living Old One. ”

The golden field is bathed in the warmth of morning twilight, a kaleidoscope of colors on the never-ending frontier. The air is so sweet and clean that she can almost taste it on her tongue. There’s a breeze that ripples through her hair as she flies through the tall grass, astride a stallion that races towards the unknown horizon at breakneck speed. With each gallop, she can feel the muscles flex between her thighs, strength and power surging through the beast to her. She tightens her grip on his mane and urges him forward, faster and faster, her laughter brighter than the sun.

She does not know where the horizon ends, all she knows is that she is free.

#Hekarro #Chief Hekarro #horizon forbidden west #Horizon Zero Dawn #hfw #hfw fanfic #fanfic #horizon writing #old one oc #my writing

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callmebrycelee · 1 year

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NEW AMSTERDAM REACTION

This reaction is for the season 5, fifth episode titled "Grabby Hands" which originally aired on October 18, 2022. The episode was written by Graham Norris and directed by Lisa Robinson. Spoilers ahead!

Since my last reaction got a bit longish, I'm going to keep this one as short and sweet as possible. I want to start off by saying I really liked this episode. With each episode we are getting in this final season, I'm reminded why I fell in love with this series in the first place. This week's episode is all about good intentions and how our desire to help those we care about can result in them getting hurt or worse. Let's start with Dr. Lauren Bloom.

Lauren moved in with her sister at the beginning of this season despite protests from her friends and colleagues. Lauren wants to reconnect with Vanessa (Kathryn Prescott). Both of them have endured immense amounts of trauma which has resulted in them both becoming addicted to drugs and alcohol. Thankfully, Lauren has been sober for two years and has somehow miraculously remained so while rooming with her sister who seems perpetually drunk and high. Lauren has been faking taking shots just so she can win her trust. While Lauren's desire to re-establish her relationship with Vanessa is pure, her approach is all wrong.

At the end of the episode, Vanessa finds Lauren's sobriety chip and flips out. I felt so bad for Lauren in this moment but I also understand why her sister is upset. It would feel super violating to have someone come into your home, cozy up to you, and lie to you daily. What Lauren's done for the past four episodes can be filed under the category of manipulation. Again, I get that she wants things between her sister to be like they were before both their worlds came crashing down, but Lauren also needs to realize that her sister is an addict and just as she made the decision to clean herself up, Vanessa will need to make a similar decision. Sorry, Lauren. I'm #TeamVanessa on this one. I do hope things between these two can work out in the future but a lot of healing needs to be done.

Next up is Dr. Floyd Reynolds. When three patients arrive in the emergency room exhibiting the signs of a rare poisoning. When Max and Lauren figure out that the three patients live in the same building, Floyd leaves New Amsterdam and makes his way over to the apartment building. What follows is a montage of Floyd interviewing the residents of the building and learning about all the things that are wrong. Apparently the place is laden with black mold, rats, spiders, and a host of other issues that made me think perhaps maybe the building should be condemned or burned to the ground.

Allow me to digress for a bit. I get why New York City is so appealing. Having visited there back when I was in high school, it was a nice change of pace from living in a smaller town in the south. I loved how much culture was there. On any given day, there's so much to do. Museums ... Broadway plays ... sports ... the best restaurants ... I get why people visit the place. What I don't understand is why anyone would want to live there. On top of the rent being sky-high, it seems like everything is so grimy and miserable. Hearing these characters talk about all the money they pay just to live in a rat-infested hell-hole made me so appreciative of my small town life.

Once again, we have another doctor at New Amsterdam with good intentions. For some reason that's not readily apparent, Floyd becomes invested in wanting to solve each of these residents' issues. He suggests that maybe they pay extra in rent so the owner can afford to fix their apartment up. Naturally the residents poo-poo this idea because they barely have the money to pay rent as is on top of paying medical bills. Just when things are starting to feel hopeless for Floyd, he comes up with an idea that would involve the residents paying more, only instead of them paying rent, they would be paying a mortgage. New Amsterdam would foot the bill by giving them a loan. I do find it funny that the whole narrative of New Amsterdam, since season one, has been how broke the place is yet they are able to give out substantial loans to random people in the neighborhood but I suppose I'll overlook this detail in favor of celebrating what seems like a win for Floyd.

A part of me thinks that when it comes to his personal life, Floyd feels helpless. Every relationship he has never seems to work out which is why he is too scared to try something new with Gabrielle, the new nurse at the hospital. By the end of the episode, it seems like he may be open to trying something, even if it's temporary. Oh, another funny part of this episode was Floyd trying to figure out what her name is after she didn't tell him in the last episode. Him making guesses felt very Rumplestilskin to me. Up next is Dr. Iggy Frome. While Max, Lauren, and Elizabeth are holding things down at the hospital, Iggy takes four of his teenage psych patients out for a day in nature. As he tries to garner some enthusiasm out of them, he notices they are more preoccupied with their phones than with whatever he is talking about. He pulls over and demands they turn over their cellular devices and he hands his own phone in out of solidarity which is such a bad idea.

Speaking of good intentions, Iggy is concerned the teens may be too focused on their technology instead of the world that's around them. This is a valid concern, especially from a behavioral health provider. However, rather than be reminded of the saying, everything in moderation, Iggy overcorrects and his actions result in the five of them getting lost in the woods. Well, you know what they say, when it rains, it pours. Literally. After huddling near a tree during a pop-up storm, Iggy and the teens build a fire in the middle of the woods. What's interesting is that no one seems too terribly upset with Iggy for getting them lost in the woods.

Perhaps the funniest part of the episode is when a notification goes off and everyone looks at one of the teens who assures them the sound they heard was a bird. The notification goes off again and finally the kid reveals that while he did turn in his phone, he kept his iPad which has both power and a signal. With iPad in hand, Iggy is able to lead the kids back to the van and back to civilization. Iggy, it seems, has learned a valuable lesson. His good intentions backfired on him and someone, including himself, could've gotten hurt in the process. One of the biggest complaints about Iggy is how impulsive he is, especially in his personal life. Often his actions result in those around him - his kids, his soon-to-be ex-husband, Martin - getting hurt. I hope we get to see him spend the rest of the season growing because as I've said before, Iggy Frome is my favorite character on the show.

Last up is Dr. Max Goodwin. Last episode, he got some pretty unsettling news concerning his health, however, we don't really get to deal with that this episode. Instead, we start the episode off watching him and Luna making breakfast. Luna is little and wants to help out but Max is too focused on making sure she doesn't climb up on anything or make a mess. He wants to keep her safe but ultimately she still gets hurt when she picks up a knife and cuts her finger.

Max takes Luna to work with him and Auntie Lauren patches up her finger. I loved seeing Luna interact with Lauren because it's yet another reminder of how the doctors are each other's family. With Luna's problem temporarily fixed with a finger stitch (ha, that rhymes), Max has to deal with one of his nurses getting arrested after she accidentally administered a fatal dose of a drug that killed a patient. The nurse's arrest has a ripple effect around the hospital when other nurses start second-guessing their actions out of fear of making a mistake that could get them sued or worse.

Max is at his wit's end. On one hand he understands why people would be concerned. Nurses are the first line of defense in healthcare and if a mistake is made, especially one that results in a patient getting hurt or worse, the blame is almost always shifted to them. Max understands why these men and women are concerned but he doesn't think that healthcare providers should prioritize themselves over their patients. While I get where Max is coming from, a part of me thought to myself during this episode that it's easier for Max to have this view because he's a doctor and it's nurses who are feeling the brunt of this.

For once, there are no easy solutions to this issue and it's quite refreshing to see Max not be able to charm his way out of this issue. This is a very real issue and I'm sure there are nurses who watched this particular storyline and felt seen and heard. Ultimately Max's solution is to keep fighting which doesn't really feel like a solution at all. Accidents will keep on happening because accidents happen and fingers will yet again be pointed at the nurse who was involved. It's just a fact of life. However, with that said, Max's non-solution felt very realistic. So much of what's wrong in healthcare and in society, in general, is unfixable. The way the system is configured makes it next to impossible to implement any positive change and I'm glad this show is finally acknowledging that. It's a bleak ending to this particular storyline but at least Max is able to fix things at home.

At the end of the episode, Max explains to Luna that he loves her and wants to protect her and always will want to protect her. He also tells her that he has to find a way to let her be more independent without letting his concerns get in the way. See, Max gets it! Balance is the key! At the end of the episode, Max finds a way for Luna to help out with making breakfast that gives her independence while in a safe environment. I love seeing Max and Luna together. I know it must be rough being a single parent. I just hope that whatever is going on with his health is curable because Luna has lost so much and I don't want her to lose Max.

As I said earlier, this was a great episode. Sure, some of the plots were a bit shaky and the resolutions were a bit questionable, but ultimately I was thoroughly entertained by this episode. What made this episode particularly enjoyable is getting to delve deeper into these characters we've grown to love. Each of our characters learned valuable lessons about good intentions this episode and a few of them got hurt in the process. I do think Lauren will be able to make peace with her sister, even if it means they don't have a relationship. I think Reynolds will finally find what he is looking for, which is someone to love and for the person to love him back. Iggy is finally starting to learn that simply having good intentions is not enough. He's hurt a lot of people, including himself, and it was nice to see him take some accountability for once. As for Max, he's learning that life isn't fair and that sometimes instead of fighting to win, you have to fight to maintain. I can't wait to see what happens next! Until next time ...

#tv reaction #blw reactions #new amsterdam reactions #new amsterdam #nbc new amsterdam #New Amsterdam season 5 #max goodwin #lauren bloom #floyd reynolds #iggy frome

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blogging-thots · 6 months

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3:20am

October 8 2023

Always fighting with him ever since he left Texas in May.

Not a single week where we’re not fighting at all.

I’ve said a lot of rude things to him during each fight and the fights and rude comments I make get bigger and bigger.

I have a huge grudge against him bc he left Texas before even talking to me about it and planning things out.

If he would’ve talked with me first about it then we wouldn’t have issues like this every week.

I don’t even know if he’s saving money like he should be since he’s a huge spender. It’s so annoying that he doesn’t know how to save money at 35 y/o! So embarrassing! And he has a 9 y/o son but can’t do an adult task for himself ! He should be embarrassed to call himself a man !

For him jumping state to state for a job is fucking embarrassing. He made better money in Atlanta, GA and still quit bc the female servers didn’t talk with him or interacted with him (probably bc he was the only male server). Just bc of that he should’ve suck it up like a real person and dealt with it until he received his work permit and SSN! That would’ve saved so much money and time! He should be fucking ashamed and embarrassed!

My first job , not everyone liked me or wanted to interact with me and some of the workers accused me of stealing tips ! But did I quit ??? NO ! I stayed bc I needed to make money ! The main purpose is to make money! Making friends at work is nice but it’s not necessary! As long no one is treating you badly then there shouldn’t be a reason to quit ! But to quit bc the co workers isn’t interacting with you is a fucking dumb excuse!!! HE SHOULD HAVE SUCK IT UP AND WORKED THERE TILL WORK PERMIT AND SSN WAS GIVEN THEN QUIT FOR A NEW JOB!

35 Y/O MALE, DIVORCED, WITH A 9 Y/O SON

THAT’s PROBABLY WHY HIS EX WIFE LEFT HIM FOR ANOTHER MALE BC HE CANT SAVE MONEY OR BE SMART BC HE MAKES BAD CHOICES! UGH!

One friend is telling me I should’ve broke up with him since May. The day I found out that he quit Texas. Bc it was INCONSIDERATE OF HIM TO DO THAT AND NOT DISCUSSING IT W/ ME!!! WHAT A FUCKING ASS!

I WANT TO KNOCK SENSE INTO HIM

MAYBE IF HE WOULD STOP SMOKING AND DRINKING THEN MAYBE HE’ll BE SMARTER THAN NOW!

I WANT TO SLAM HIM

HE KEEPS SAYING HE WANTS TO GIVE ME THE BEST LIFE BUT HE’s GIVING ME ONE OF THE WORST ! HE MAKES ME FUCKING STRESSED THAT I WANNA PULL OUT MY HAIR AND FUCKING PUNCH THINGS

WHEN WILL HE UNDERSTAND THAT HE NEEDS SOME FUCKING SENSE

I DONT WANT TO HATE HIM BUT THE MAIN THINGS THAT HE DOES MAKES ME HATE HIM

he’s genuinely a nice person, with patience, but he’s super dumb

I think in Texas they say “Bless your heart” when someone does or say something dumb

Bless his heart then

I’m surprised he made it this far in life

Crazy world we live in

Do I enjoy saying rude things and guilt tripping him ???? No, but he’s so dumb that I feel like that’s the only way to talk things into him so he can understand.

I don’t want to speak rudely to him bc he doesn’t say rude things to me when he’s angry and I know it hurts when someone says something like that to you, but I can’t help it.

I do want to talk things out w/ him

Make this relationship work w/ him but IDK anymore

It feels impossible

I want to seek relationship counseling with him

Maybe that can help us

idk anymore

I just want us to be a happy & healthy couple

I hate having a giant grudge against him

Ever since I knew about him leaving in May, I felt hurt and betrayed

All my anger would be taken out on him and I don’t like that

I wish I had a better way of coping with my anger

I know this is unhealthy of me and for us that I am being rude and guilt tripping him

I just don’t know a better way of talking about it to him

All I want is for us to be happy and heathy together

😞😞😞💔💔💔

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emilemily · 11 months

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Moving to Washington was very calculated. Florida had become too expensive and I have my only full-blooded sister here in WA. I was so excited to come out here and be close to her and her husband and my nephews. I was soooo excited to feel a normal sort of family bond for the first time ever now that we’re adults and can have one totally without the influence of anyone

But it’s almost as if I’m being pushed away and ostracized because I have made choices that they didn’t agree with.

Instead of taking another full-time desk job, I decided to continue doing online content while starting school for a bachelors degree in marketing

And ever since I made that decision and moved into my own apartment on may 1st, it’s as if my sister and her husband hate me. I reach out to him and ask if they’d like to do dinner, which my sister says is the way to his heart, and he says they’re super busy and we will meet up “one day soon”

He doesn’t text me at all anymore.

He last texted me about the job. I know my sister told him I didn’t take it and why, and he still texted me and asked why. Not that it’s any of his business, but I decided to answer him anyway.

I told him that this particular job is in a seasonal industry, which means that taking time off between May and October is not allowed. It was even in the offer letter. Given my health issues the last few months leading to tons of dr appts, therapy, ortho, and now physical therapy, how would that have ever made sense?

I said it way nicer than that, but still.

He left me on read and didn’t reply. A couple of days passed and he texts and says “sorry I didn’t reply, I just didn’t know what to say.”

No, you were sending a message. If you were told by my sister that I didn’t accept the job, then knowing you two, you asked her why and she said exactly why. You texted me that intentionally so that you could ignore me when I told you. If you already knew why I didn’t accept it, why did you ask me for the reason if you knew you wouldn’t know what to say?

You wanted me to sense your displeasure. You wanted to drive the point home. You won’t tell me what you’re really thinking, so instead you behave passive aggressively.

I have no clue on earth what I have done to be treated like this. I will be 30 this year and am perfectly capable of making my own decisions, whether you understand it or not. I have never once criticized you or even shown any negative feelings about anything you’ve done because I understand that you are free to do as you see fit.

We all are.

All I want in this world is to have a family. A real family that loves me and is there for me. Unconditionally.

I feel so frozen out by the people I moved here to be close to and it fucking hurts so bad.

I’m going through some serious medical shit and my own sister wouldn’t talk to me about it while I was so on edge yesterday. But texts are going through S about money and due dates and other things.

I’m just so confused and honestly, I think that this has impacted my mental health more than anything. Trying to read minds. Trying to understand without a lot of info or anything to go off of.

Maybe my being an internet slut bothers you. Fair enough. It’s not for everyone. But it’s paying my bills and keeping me afloat as I deal with medical shit whilst going back to school and finding myself for the first time in years.

Why do I have to wonder how anyone in my family feels about me? Why can’t I just feel loved? I try so hard to show love to others. I want so badly to feel close to them.

My work hours can be weird and at times unpredictable, but when I’m available, I’m there. I feel so judged it’s disgusting.

People get a taste of success and they completely forget where they came from. Fact of the matter is, your success could dissipate at any moment. Any singular moment. Your company could go under and that would be that.

But it’s thriving because of your work ethic. I’m proud of you for that. But work ethic isn’t always enough and your success could be snatched back at any moment. Stay humble. Remember who you were just 10 years ago. I know I haven’t forgotten.

My sister told me “Sorry if he was weird about you turning down the job… he just has a very…particular idea of what success looks like”

Crushed my heart. So is success sitting at a desk 5 days a week? Is it working my way up within a company that could put me out on my ass at anytime? Is it being a yes man? Is it getting into a company I don’t care about at a low level position just to kiss ass all the way to the top?

I’m sorry, but not everyone succeeds that way, or sees that as success for themselves. To someone that is success and I’m proud of anyone who is successful in their own eyes. But I will never be happy living a life like that unless it is something I’m passionate about.

Never ever ever

And that is my choice to make. My own burden to bear. I never asked you to find my success for me, nor did I ever beg you for guidance on how to find it.

In fact, I told you about the way in which I’d found my own success and you tried to push yours onto me.

I never needed that. All I ever needed was love, to feel cared for. To feel like no matter how you feel about my work, you still love and embrace me as your family.

I’ve moved thousands of miles from Florida for this and all I feel is alone and sad. Sick, alone and sad. I don’t understand.

We all have our shit, I know that. But how can family make me feel like nothing with such ease?

It hurts so bad I can’t even explain it.

One day I will feel like I belong and like I am loved.

Just not today.

If everyone in this world minded their business unless someone was hurting or needed help, my god how much better we would all be doing.

Goodnight.

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