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kiwanopie · 2 years

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Top 10 anime men who will lay pipe expeditiously. Haikyuu Edition. *Reupload*

cw: piv, dirty talk, general adult themes. minors do not interact

Akaashi |Run Time: Within the first month| Not exactly a prude, just believes that being more intuned with your partner is necessary to satisfying sex. Plus he likes the build up between general interest and sexual tension. If we’re being honest, he’s probably been thinking of putting his hands all over you since the second date. But he’s courteous enough to let you know that he actually wants to get to know you first. Likes to call you after work during the talking stage just to ask you about your day. Invites you over on his off days to make sure you’re comfortable around him. But again, he’s been holding himself back for a while. And he’s not too coy for a little phone sex in the meantime. - But, boy does he completely lose it when you crawl into his lap during one of your hangout sessions. Your friends still don’t believe you when you introduce them to the guy that “fucked you within an inch of your life” before you officially started dating.

Iwaizumi |Run Time: Within the first few weeks| He likes to believe that the reason he doesn’t rush it is because he’s “old fashioned” and that he’s mature enough to understand that “it takes time for these kinds of things.” Whole time he’s just busy. Trust me, deep down he knows if he had it his way he’d have you folded over three ways to Sunday after the third date. But he has the physical health of like twelve overgrown toddlers to manage and the team moves around pretty often. So, it’s just quick coffee dates and video calls for a while. But trust me, the moment he has time on his hands you’re done for. I suggest clearing your schedule before you meet up! You’re gonna need some time to recover.

Oikawa |Run Time: Within two weeks| First week down though and you can see it physically hurts him that he’s not fucking you as soon as he wants to. Only reason he’s holding out though is because he actually likes you, so he doesn’t want you to think that’s the only thing he’s seeking out. - But you know that meme of that guy who looks like he’s this 🤏 close to having a stroke with all those veins on his face? Yeah. Soon as he knows you’re on the same page though he’s slutting himself out to you like his life depends on it. And he talks the nastiest shit. Will tell you everything he’s been wanting to do to you and then show you in frankly exemplary detail.

Hinata |Run Time: Within a week| To his credit, he’s the most unafraid to let you know how smitten he is with you from the jump. Gave you your phone back after putting his number in with his info under “Shoyo 💕❤️” and told you to call him if you’re looking for someone to treat you right. Literally told you the night you actually hooked up that you were only doing missionary to start off, and when you asked why he replied that you were “Too pretty to fuck in anything but,” With all the sweet talk he uses in the week leading up, you’re not wrong for being completely out of your depth when he fucks you like he hates your guts. But don’t worry, the love’s still there! You’re even prettier when he’s fucked the brains outta you <3

Kuroo |Run Time: Within the first couple of dates| Class traitor often forgets the line between courting a significant other and a sugar baby. Thought the best way to charm your pants off was to buy out the restaurant you’d have your first date at and surprise you with a birkin bag. Isn’t ashamed to let you know he gets off on watching you spend his money and when he’s booking a pent-suite for your third date it takes a very necessary pause during dinner to establish that 1.) Yes, he wants to be your boyfriend. No, he didn’t know that this wasn't the right way to do it. And 2.) He’s only been spending this much money because it’s the only thing stopping him from cumming in his pants the moment he gets within a foot of you. Weird guy. Rearranges your guts like no one’s business.

Bokuto |Run Time: The date after the first| He tries…so hard to hold out, he really does! It’s just god you’re so fucking sexy. Everything you do has his brain short circuiting and he’s starting to want you so bad that it’s making him itch. Your thighs are so squishy and your lips look so plump. Everything about you looks soft to the touch and since meeting you he hasn’t been able to blow a decent load without imagining it’s you squeezing him so tight. Really, the only reason he made it this far is ‘cause first date jitters are a bitch and at the very least he has the decency to let you know he likes you first. - But then you show up in this cute little dress that keeps riding up your thighs when you walk, and the way you pout as you try to pull it down has his head feeling all fuzzy. He tries to stay cordial as he opens the door for you to slide into his car, but the way you smile up at him as he closes it behind you has his resolve breaking into pieces. Lucky for him you’re perceptive enough to notice the literal dick print in his pants the moment he climbs in; and he lights up like a Christmas tree when you suggest a quickie before dinner. Spoiler alert: It won’t be a quickie. Get your refund back on that reservation, sis.

Atsumu |Run Time: The first date| You can’t blame the guy for being shamelessly attracted to you, can you? Who cares about old fashioned courting! It ain’t worth the money if you ain’t walking funny? - All jokes aside though, he’s a firm believer in if two consenting adults like each other enough, they should be able to fuck whenever and however they want. Doesn’t find you any less respectable for letting him put your legs behind your ears on the first date. Although that was after he’d already bent you over in his car, folded you over his kitchen counter, and had you leaving drool stains on his hallway area rug. Eh, you’ll plan your next date in the shower - little hard to talk though with your face pressed against the glass.

Matsukawa |Run Time: Scheduled a time and place for you to link before hand| Hey, if you wanna turn this thing into a relationship then he’s up for that too. But he’s not gonna stress himself trying to hold back from fucking your pretty little brains out. Soon as he gets the O.K. he’s picking a time and place and hightailing it over with no stops in between. And he’s not bullshiting when he says he’s gonna fuck you stupid. The guy digs you out like he’s trying to ruin you for anybody else. But it’s not entirely his fault! He gets sick of carrying that meat missle around too 😔

Hanamaki |Run Time: Straight up just asked if you’d let him| Hedonist to the max. And no shame either. The moment he gets the feeling that you might be sexually interested in him, he’s diving in with no goggles. I mean, obviously he cares about your interests and your pursuits in life; might even think you’re nice enough to take home to mom’s one day. But that’s not what his mind’s set on right now. Only thing in his head is if he should start with collapsed doggy or drill you in from the side just to get you drooling for him that much quicker. But hey, dick was so good you forgot he don’t got a job!

Honorable Mentions!

Sakusa (Surprisingly)| Comes off as a prude because he apparently has “High standards.” Can’t admit that if he finds you attractive enough, he’ll just straight up fuck you. |

Terushima |Likes to “Do you like my tongue ring?” Himself into some pussy.|

Sugawara | Plays the part of a good loving school teacher just looking for a companionship. Gives it up as soon as he sees you’re into him.|

Osamu | “m’not a scrub like my brother.” No, baby, you’re a whore.|

And finally number one…

Suna! |Run Time: Text him at 3:00am and he’ll be there by 3:05am| Standing at 6’3.2 and 176lbs, you have caught the affection of a man who truly believes that “a hole is a hole” once he’s found himself physically attracted to someone. That’s not to say that he’s particularly loose with what he’s got but if you’ll take it? Once hiked to your place in the middle of January with basketball shorts on ‘cause you sent him a “U up?” Text in the middle of the night. Woke up the next morning with a fever but god was that pussy worth it. Fucks like he’s trying to prove something so you’re in remission for the next couple of days afterwards. And then will have the nerve to wanna be the little spoon after the fact. - Tries not to look as elated as he is when you finally tie him down but with the way he turns your insides into mush the night following, you can tell he’s pretty excited to finally call himself your boyfriend.

reblogs are appreciated 💕 ps, tumblr pls suck my balls? 🥺

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lilacrwses · 2 years

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▸ someone asks his s/o out

ft. multiple characters

genre: fluff, crack

notes:reblogs are a big help:>

Would probably be the most calm among them. He would let you talk to the stranger, would be there if you'll be needing help. If the person asking you is persistent...then let's just say he's gonna be less as calm as before.

“I'm not sorry but my s/o has already told you that they're not interested. Why don't you go ahead and flirt with somebody that isn't taken, hm?”

AKAASHI, TSUKISHIMA, Sugawara, Suna, KITA, Asahi, Megumi, Terushima,

He'd be the one to give the stranger a unfriendly smile. I'll tell ya he has his eyes closed in a smile, it's probably creeping the stranger out. So before you could even reject him he'd be already scratching his nape in embarrassment slowly walking away from you.

“Well would you look at that, It hasn't even been that long since I've left you alone but you already have some ugly ass strangers flirting at you? Better keep you by my side baby, wouldn't want you to be with anyone else would I?”

KUROO, Tendou, Tsukishima, ATSUMU, Gojo, Geto, OIKAWA, Suna,

This mf doesn't even know that someone is flirting with you. You already told the stranger no multiple times but he wouldn't just go away. You'll either go to your boyfriend's arm and cling onto him or he would finally notice and teach the mf a lesson.

“What's up darling?-- Oh hello..? , I don't remember you being anyone of my s/o's friends, and I don't really know why you keep on bugging on my s/o either-- Although I appreciate it but you should be apologizing to my s/o not to me.”

Bokuto, USHIJIMA, Kenma, Sakusa, IWAIZUMI, Kageyama, NANAMI, Kita, Itadori, YUTA, Yaku

The moment the stranger steps closer to you it’s already finished. If the stranger would forcefully grab your hands he wouldn’t hesitate to throw a punch for you. Convinces himself that it’s self defense, probably would regret it a bit when he gets in trouble for that. But Hey! At least you’re safe.

“I hope that there won’t be a next time but if you even try to think about it I’ll be sure that you’re nose isn’t gonna be the only one that’s bloody.”

Osamu, MEGUMI, Atsumu, BOKUTO, Daichi, Geto, TANAKA, Ushijima, KYOTANI, Matsukawa

Would film the whole situation and would report it to the station after. The stranger apologizes but he’ll still report it.💀

“What am I doing? I’m obviously documenting this. You’re harassing an innocent citizen. Yeah you’re sorry, but I’m not. — Hey baby, are you ok?

SUNA

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nanamistie · 6 months

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Can you do haikyuu boys reacting to fem!s/o crushing a watermelon between their thighs like it nothing🌚🌚

(Not just crush makes it explode👀👀)

Ofc i can ( ͡⁠°⁠ ͜⁠ʖ⁠ ͡⁠°⁠)

Imagine,you're a woman who has big thighs,but they're not fat, they're muscular. And one day, you and one of the hq boys went together on a picnic. You had a basket with lots and lots of food, such as home made sandwiches, some cupcakes, brownies and a watermelon. You two were enjoying the food and then came across the watermelon.

“Babe, can you give me the knife?” you say while looking at the watermelon. “Sure” he says. He looks through the basket and realize, that you don’t have one. “We must’ve had forgotten it” he says. You sigh “Well then-” you say before grabbing the watermelon and putting it between your thighs. You quickly wrap your legs around it and squeeze it hardly, and just like that, the watermelon almost explodes in half.

He just stares. Jaw down to the ground. He doesn't even know what shocked him: the fact that you were that strong to do that or how your thighs looked while. "I-" he clears his throat "wow, I...am...wow... I'm speechless". You just laugh at his reaction "Oh come on, love, you're not the only one with big stong thighs". He smirks "Well I actually love that~" you both laugh.

DAICHI MY MAAN, Asashi (bear with me), Osamu, Ushijima, Aone.

He would take it as a competition, he would be like: "Oh yeah? I can do that too!" Then he like grabs a small chunk of crushed (by your majestic thighs) watermelon and puts it between his legs. The he tries to squeeze it, but fails miserably. You take it the chunk in your hand and crush it and he says: "Well, I got it loosed for you" he hufs and then we would act so dramatic, pleaseee.

Tanaka, BOKUTO, Hinata, Oikawa (do not argue on this-).

Complains and acts like he didn't just drool over your gorgeous thighs. "You ruined the watermelon." You look offended like you just wanted to help. "I'm sorry, i didn't mean to do that,we just, didn't have other ways to do it" He sees that you looked at him with a pout so he quickly says "It looked kinda cool tho.." You end up teasing him all night, teehee, he loves you so much, he loves everything about you.

Tsukisima (of course), Kenma, Kageyama, Kyotani.

He would flirt so much pleaseeeee. He would stare at your thighs, then at the watermelon and then at you and with the biggest smirk and a bit of blush, he would say: "DAAAMN, DO THAT TO ME" you look at him like -__- but when he sees that you blushed too he would tease you,omg.

Terushima, Kuroo, Atsumu, Iwazumi, Nishinoya (he would).

...

Sorry for the waittttt. I hope you like it 🫶

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silverflqmes · 8 months

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໒⦂ 𝐑𝐎𝐀𝐃 𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐏 𝐇𝐂𝐒.

notes. seijoh hcs if they were on the road together!

genre. crack

ft. tooru oikawa, issei matsukawa, takahiro hanamaki, hajime iwaizumi

gender neutral! reader. ( not rlly mentioned tho )

➫ 𝓞𝗜𝗞𝗔𝗪𝗔 𝓣𝗢𝗢𝗥𝗨 ୨୧ ˎˊ˗

⌗ alright alright, he WANTED to drive.. but the vote went towards iwaizumi, and to double check they did rock paper scissors ( iwaizumi still won )

⌗ tooru was petty for the first thirty minutes, i mean it’s his car???

⌗ but eventually thought it was for the better! let him be on light duty while his subjects- i mean ahem, teammates, manage the car situation.

⌗ he does however, have control of the radio and has already plugged in his phone ( there goes one outlet ) to play spotify!

⌗ everyone complained at first but tooru’s music taste ate and left not crumbs because everyone was singing. even kyotani was nodding his head to some songs.

⌗ position wise, tooru is well, obviously in the passenger’s seat. what’s annoying is how far back he has his seat😐 and watari is like right behind him BUT SAYS NOTHING.

⌗ if the road trip is long, tooru however, will step in as a backup driver because poor poor iwa-chan gets so sleepy at night from having a NORMAL sleep schedule!! ( tooru doesn’t, this is why he has this job.. )

➫ 𝓜𝗔𝗧𝗦𝗨𝗞𝗔𝗪𝗔 𝓘𝗦𝗦𝗘𝗜 ୨୧ ˎˊ˗

⌗ dude him and makki are ALL the way in the back in the makeshift seats in the trunk because they are menaces and were banned from being close to the front.

⌗ jokes on them, they can pull pranks from the back — like yk that thing where they pull the string and the headrest drops, yeah. he pulled it and makki pulled the other NUMEROUS TIMES. free the second and first years.

⌗ brought all the snacks and is gatekeeping them with whoever is closest to him ( makki, kyoken and kindaichi )

⌗ ROAD GAMES!! and songs or whatever ft his besti ( and totally not boyfriend ), makki

⌗ brings almost half his bedding with him to be comfortable where he’s sitting ( so real of you mattsun ) and if you’re not oikawa, he MIGHT share lol

⌗ honestly sleeps for a good bit of the ride, just feel like he would lol especially with the pillows and blankets.

⌗ reverse, some of the boys fall asleep on him bc he’s the tallest so there’s more of him to go around LMAO he’s just stuck between makki and kindaichi

➫ 𝓗𝗔𝗡𝗔𝗠𝗔𝗞𝗜 𝓣𝗔𝗞𝗔𝗛𝗜𝗥𝗢 ୨୧ ˎˊ˗

⌗ matsukawa’s second half✌️🤟🤙🤝🤞

⌗ yeah he’s in the very back too causing chaos yk the usual ( annoying the shit out of hajime and tooru because they are the real parents uncles of the team )

⌗ he brought a load of pastries tbh but the minute they ran out he got a little delulu and thought yahaba ( who sat in front of him ) was a cream puff, and was ready to pounce LMAO

⌗ mattsun held him back from doing so, thankfully — seijoh needed its back up setter, pinch and future captain in case iwaizumi finally lost his patience and put oikawa out of commission.. or because oikawa has to graduate and go be a girlboss in the big leagues!!! so hot of him- ahem anyway

⌗ dude him, kawa and mattsun are that one meme where they’re like “DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT, EVERYBODY, FEELING WARM AND BRIGHT” in the worst tone ever while iwa is just questioning his life choices

⌗ “are we there yet” every few minutes — iwaizumi literally pulls over at some point to get in the back seat and tape his mouth😭 bro was absolutely done oml

⌗ he brought a stack of cards only for them to be pokemon cards LIKE HOW DO YOU GET THAT WRONG- ( they played, anyway )

➫ 𝓘𝗪𝗔𝗜𝗭𝗨𝗠𝗜 𝓗𝗔𝗝𝗜𝗠𝗘 ୨୧ ˎˊ˗

⌗ the driver ( mother ) lol

⌗ free iwaizumi he is tired and has a severe headache from these buffoons and he swears blood will be shed if SOMEBODY dares to ask AGAIN for another rest stop or if they’re there yet.

⌗ he’s got a stash of yellow red bull in a compartment for himself in case he needs to take the night shift on the road — tooru insists that no one drives but him ( unless iwa finally throws in the towel and he drives )

⌗ in terms of driving tho he’s pretty smooth, goes at a reasonable speed and is fairly calm in terms of IDIOTS on the road — but he has his moments occasionally where he gets annoyed

⌗ probably has the super specific thing he wants to see that convinced him to go on this road trip and see it through to the end ( it’s something godzilla related i bet )

⌗ usually likes to snack while he’s driving, helps keep him awake — but since he doesn’t wanna get the steering wheel dirty, he has cherries his mom pack him LMAO ( “share with the others!!” and he gatekeeps )

⌗ packed a volleyball in the trunk and portable beach volleyball set up

notes. i was gonna do all the boys originally but it became time consuming and well.. i ran out of ideas LMAO hope it was still decent<3

↳ return to main masterlist . request rules . send an ask

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tendou-satori-chocolatier · 2 years

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Oikawa: do you want your popcorn sweet or salty?

Hinata, staring lovingly at kageyama: I want it like my boyfriend!

Oikawa: we don't sell ugly popcorn

#the way this cracked me up #also i love having a crush on someone like the amount of creativity i get when i do😩#haikyuu #haikyuu incorrect quotes #haikyuuanime #haikyuuincorrect #incorrect haikyuu quotes #incorrecthaikyuu #kagehina #oikawa tooru

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wonderoustime · 8 months

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him: two bros

you: chilling in a hot tub

him and you, in unison: zero feet apart 'cause we're GAY AS FUCK!

oikawa, bokuto, matsukawa, kuroo, tendo, suga

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splitontendo · 9 months

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pairing: hanamaki takahiro x f!reader

synopsis: having no money and the worst job leads you to dark places, answering a strangers roommate ad. leading you to meet the roommate from hell, who happens to have the solution to your problems and isn’t too bad at giving head.

02| piss baby

masterlist | previous | next

fun facts!

iwa’s & oikawa are ‘secretly’ hooking up. everybody knows.

issei worked really hard on that ad <3

please give makki a chance!! he’s just being a piss baby rn <,3 angry men fjajdjajsj

#🎀maybe baby #haikyuu #haikyuu smau #haikyuu texts #hq smau #hq #hq texts #haikyuu social media au #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu crack #haikyuu hanamaki #hanamaki takahiro #haikyuu mattsun #mattsukawa issei #haikyuu oikawa #oikawa toru #haikyuu iwaizumi #hajime iwaizumi

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atsumwah · 2 years

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losing them at the mall

featuring : seijoh 4 + bokuto, akaashi

notes : this is just crack based on my shopping experience for eid these past couple of days

#haikyuu smau #haikyuu x reader #oikawa smau #iwaizumi smau #matsukawa smau #hanamaki smau #bokuto smau #akaashi smau #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu crack #haikyuu imagines #hq smau

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hynko · 10 months

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haikyuu situationship texts

Characters: semi, suna, kenma, shirabu, lev, oikawa, tendou, kuroo, nishinoya

warnings: very suggestive, profanity

genre: crack

authors note: most of these r inspired by memes on tiktok😭feel free to request !!

m.list | recent text fic

hynko est 2021-2023 do not repost, translate or copy. reblogs r appreciated ily <3

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xenclev · 2 years

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"Damn, bitch. Your pussy open like a cathedral door."

⤷ SUNA, matsukawa, ATSUMU, KUROO, TERUSHIMA, semi, tsukishima, SAKUSA, oikawa

#don't ask me #this was just in the drafts #haikyuu!!#haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu crack #hq hcs #suna smut #iwaizumi smut #oikawa smut #kuroo smut #sakusa smut #sakusa x reader #suna x you #kuroo x you #haikyuu smut #minors do not interact #q 🦎#leaux needs help

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kiwanopie · 1 year

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Top 5 Haters in Haikyuu!!

cw: crack. devious behavior. hating is a craft that these five have mastered

5.) Oikawa

Not as bad as some of the haters on this list because he only Gatekeeps. But that means any restaurants, bars, cool hang out spots, even some of the clothes that he wears; you’d have better luck pulling teeth than getting that information out of him. One time one of his fangirls asked him how he keeps his skin so clear, to which he responded: “just don’t touch it:)” knowing good and well he spends an hour every night steaming, pre-cleaning, and putting vitamin C on his face before laying on his silk sheets. (Because they don’t absorb moisture 😉)

4.)Atsumu

Mostly toward his brother but also applies to some of his everyday life as well. Will laugh if you fall and eat shit in front of him, and then from that point onward will chuckle every time you pass that spot and go “lmao watch out.” Dickhead. And he gatekeeps sometimes. “where’d you get that jacket from?” “oh nah this is the last one. they gave it to me before they closed forever. honestly they probably wouldn’t even sell this to you bro. you don’t really want this jacket fr.”

3.)Suna

Hating’s a lifestyle, really. You not really a hater if you not a little passive about it. Uses the term “That’s crazy…” religiously. One time the power was out at Atsumu’s place during a snowstorm and he responded with a picture of him next to a space heater while on the game with the caption “we good over here tho. this 2k go crazy.” also don’t let me bring up gatekeeping without showing you this interaction between him and Aran:

2.)Sakusa

Atsumu can’t even brag to people that he’s actually heard him laugh without adding the fact that it was because he whiffed a spike and fell into the net mid game. And it’s not that he actually puts effort into being a hater, it’s just that he has this horrible trait that if something is funny enough he will laugh, regardless of the circumstances. It’s just… most of the time that something’s either embarrassing or kind of mean. And it’s not even a haughty laugh - it’s a snort. One time, Bokuto flubbed his lines during a broadcasted interview so bad that in the middle of his stuttering he started to choke on his spit. And while his publicist is praying that this doesn’t get any worse, Sakusa just: “*snort!* fuck. sorry, sorry.”

1.)Tsukishima (duh)

Do I even have to go into detail? Comes from a long line of haters. Akiteru being skipped was only happenstance, he’ll hate enough for the both of them. Actively prays on the downfalls of the people around him, not even his friends are safe. Yamaguchi once ran face first into a glass window and he let out a belly laugh loud enough to scare the birds off. Is physically hurt when his enemies win. Hinata texted him before his big game to celebrate him making it to the olympics and he got a fever. He’s a grade A hater. Professional even. Constantly sending out bad vibes, if something bad happened to you today it was him. It's because he wished for it. And every time he gets more powerful.

one of the words in these paragraphs is improperly spaced and i hope it physically hurts you to see it 😈 anyway reblog for the true haters out there <3

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