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#Ok sorry this doesn't make sense I'm very tired but I still wanted to write my thoughts down before the new chapter came out
rottingparts · 10 months
Note
Cool okay! May I request some general romantic head cannons for Bay! Optimus, Ironhide and Ratchet ? Thank you so much ! :)
(SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG! My internet is fucked, but only on my computer, so i'm struggling atm.)
OF COURSE!! My favorites.... I mean I totally love them all equally :) I wrote them with a Human!Reader (that's all i write but i just wanted to calrify)!
Optimus Prime:
My love... probably the most normal of them honestly
Isn't like super duper outwardly romantic when others are around. He isn't too fond of PDA. BUT he still shows affection in lowkey ways.
Like, he will gently nudge you if you seem anxious or off in general, to get your attention and when you let him know you're ok he gives you a slight nod and continues on with his conversation.
It's really no secret, because him crouching down and his giant hand descending from his side and nudging you is not very subtle.
He is way more protective over you than any other human. Will not let anything harm you. And if something does, nothing will get in his way to help/save you.
LOVES (when it's just the two of you) for you to gently hold his face in your tiny (compared to him) hands! Double points if you gently bonk your forehead against his.
If you are not feeling it, having a bad day, what have you, he will take you for a ride to calm down. his voice is so soothing! Sometimes he'll even talk to you until you fall asleep if that is what you need.
You two became an 'item' mostly because you had made offhanded comment to Cade about Optimus being attractive in a way and Cade shut that shit down immediately but Optimus heard. It was too late, Cade has to deal with this now...
Literally so sweet! Will kill for you!
Ironhide:
Oh my... definitely the least normal (in an endearing way).
Doesn't mind/completely understand PDA honestly. Like, you wanna grab him and nuzzle his face? Please do. He will be forever grateful.
He definitely wants to show you off, he is so proud of you!! He also needs everyone to know you are taken :)
Like he will do little things to make sure the others know he is with you, like bringing you towards him when someone gets a little too close.
Wants you close to him at all times, so he knows you're safe.
If anyone threatens you in any capacity (even if its sarcasm from a close friend) his arm is around you, guarding you, while he points a gun at the one threatening you. It takes a minute to calm him down.
If you are like visibly upset/anxious/not having it, he is very vocal about pulling you out of the situation. Has zero problems taking you away in the middle of a conversation.
Will literally go into alt mode and just... drive away with you. Your friends don't like that too much.
Ironhide definitely was weird about his feelings at first. Him liking a human? No thank you. Definitely tried to push the feelings away, until getting tired and telling you how he felt.
When you lit up and said you felt the same? Oh he was over the moon!
Very protective and secretly very sweet! Will also kill for you!
Ratchet:
My sweet cinnamon bun....
Will literally die for your hugs!! Please just wrap your arms around his neck when he bends down and hug him so tight!
Doesn't mind PDA (in a sense of like hugging and being sweet) but does get very flustered!!
Call him any pet name (honey, dear, etc.) and he will combust. If he could blush, he definitely would. Really wanna make him weak in the knees? Call him 'My love.'
Ratchet would worry about you constantly honestly. Waaay more than anyone else.
I mean, you're just a human! You're squishy and small. There is a lot to worry about!
He realized he liked you because he was so worried for you, then he grew even more worried!
He accidently confessed his feelings for you when rambling about how worried he had been for you, and when you go wide eyed he is retracting everything and ready to run away.
When you reassure him and tell him you like him too? He is even more likely to combust.
Is always wanting to check in on you, and learns very quickly what upsets you and what soothes you. he is very attentive.
So fucking sweet and will die for you!!
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madnessreruns · 1 year
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Ok so Gotham Jervis again with Fem!Reader
He pretends to be someone else in the text to his Ex because he needs information from her and is just too proud to admit it/doesn't want to see her. But she finds out and decides to fuck with him by writing "Being honest with you I'm not exactly great at the whole loyal thing. I slept with my last boyfriend's best friend while we were still dating." (She didn't do that)
So yeah, Jervis just getting paranoid about it. If he confronts her it would probably lead from fight to fuck.
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I’m so sorry..
Gotham! Jervis Tetch x Fem! Reader
Note: I didn’t make them fuck. Im very very sorry but with how it ended it wouldn’t make sense for them to do that. I’ll make a part 2 where they get it on I prommy <3
Warnings: ANGST, fighting, crying lots of crying, there is so much crying, reader forgives Jervis even thought she probably shouldn’t.
Requests: Closed
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You sat there, staring at your phone.
It was very, very very very and I mean VERY fucking obvious that it was Jervis trying to pretend to be someone else. You date someone for so long and you slowly start to realize what their speech patterns are. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out, but when it’s obvious fucking rhyming.
When you sent that text message you weren’t expecting him to take it seriously, but oh god he did. I mean who would you even fuck? His clearly gay clown buddy? His creepy non-verbal bag-headed pal? Who???
But oh god he didn’t pick up on that. If only you could have seen his face. Anger practically fuming out of his ears, his body shaking in fury.
He asked literally everybody he knew. “Did you have an affair with my previous girlfriend when we were dating?”
Ever answer he got as a no, he even hypno-d some of them to see if they were lying, of course they weren’t lying!
When he confronted you, you were so confused. He took that side comment seriously?
“Excuse my my dear, I believe I have a bone to pick with you..” his voice was low, angry.
“Jervis?” You almost laughed, he tried to be intimidating it he was practically a grumpy little kitty cat who got left out in the rain.
“Don’t laugh, this is a serious matter,” his eyebrows were scrunched, beautiful lips in a sorrow frown as he approached you. You sat down your bag, hoisting yourself up on your kitchen counter, raising an eyebrow as he stood in front of you, in all his pathetic glory.
“What’s up? What can I do for you?” You asked, leaning, forward, kicking your legs back and forth as you waited
“I would like you to explain something. Something serious,” he crossed his arms, posture tall and demanding, but you couldn’t take him seriously.
“Yeah yeah, I get it! It’s a serious matter, yadda yadda yadda just get to the point babe,” you said, getting tired of his stalling.
“Might you explain this?” He showed you a text, it read.
"Being honest with you I'm not exactly great at the whole loyal thing. I slept with my last boyfriend's best friend while we were still dating."
You snorted when you realized what this was about, giving a few chuckles and chortles.
“How’d you even get that?” You asked, gesturing to the message. He shook his head,
“Nevermind that!” He practically snapped, his face going red. “Please explain,” he practically demanded.
“Dude calm down, it was a joke. I was fucking with you,” you laughed, rolling your eyes at his inability to realize when you were joking when you found out his facade.
“I highly doubt that, why would you lie to man you don’t know, who didn’t even know we were dating,” he asked, as if he had caught you in a fib, which technically he did, but not in the way he thought he did.
“Cause I knew it was you dumbass. I was fucking with YOU,” you we’re done laughing, kinda just tired.
“How- how did you know it was me, sending you those messages?” He said, slightly bewildered.
“No one else rhymes in texts dumbass,” you rolled your eyes, “Plus why does it bother you anyways? You broke up with ME! Remember?” You didn’t wanna think about it, about that day when he broke the heartbreaking news to you, watching you fall to your knees in grief with no sympathy.
He paused, completely forgetting about that part. You rolled your eyes at him being so self-obsessed that he forgot about the anger he had brought you, the sadness, the sorrow.
Silence filled the room, he didn’t say anything, he just looked down. You couldn’t tell if he felt guilty or not, probably didn’t, it’s not like he gave a fuck about you in the first place.
“You know it blows my mind, that you can be so,” you paused, looking for the word, “Narcissistic,” you finished, flat out, making eye contact with him as you did.
“You break up with me, leave me alone, break my heart, and then the MOMENT, you think I did anything to wrong you, you come back, to taunt and to tease me, like I was the problem in that relationship,” you rose your voice as you go angrier.
“Well-,” he started, but you cut him off.
“DONT FUCKING EVEN!” You yelled, stopping him from saying anything else, he shut down, backing away slightly. “You have the audacity, to break into my home, demand I tell you this shit, and then make it ALL about you and how your the victim here!”
“I gave you EVERYTHING that I could! I gave it my all, I looked past all the FUCKED UP SHIT YOU DID IN THR PAST!” You jump off the counter, walking towards him, he backed up. He was no longer in control, he was up to your mercy. You knew he wasn’t gonna hypnotize you, he knew he was at fault here.
“What did I do that made you want to leave me? Was it another woman? A better woman? A mor perfect woman? I fucking TRIED to be the best I could,” tears flooded down your cheeks, tears of guilt filled his, he back up.
“AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST PART OF IT IS?” You asked, giving him a chance to answer this time.
“I- I was the one in the- in the wrong?” His voice was meek, scared, guilty, broken. He knew he left you, he didn’t know why though, it was out of impulse. He still loved you, but he could t bring him self to admit it, that’s why he came here, cause he still loved you and you seemingly moved on.
“No..” you said, your voice had gotten softer, more gentle.
“I still love you, and I hate myself for that. Everytime I see your stupid face on tv I feel bad, I feel envious for whoever your with, because your hanging out with them and not me. I tried my hardest to pleade you, to make you happy, but NO…” your voice got soft, gentle, teary. He snapped his eyes up to yours as he listened to you speak, it felt like his heart was being beaten, and crushed in front of him. When your voice rose he flinched, pulling his arms up to block the blow he thought you were going to send. But you didn’t.
“I still love you, and it hurts cause I know you don’t love me too. Im stuck on you, while you’ve moved on,” you stopped moving, he was pressed up against the wall, you were a few feet away from him, arms by your side, tears running down your face. “I love you,”
That soft whisper, broke something in him, he didn’t know why. He threw himself on you, pulling you into a deep, tight hug, pressing his own tears into your neck.
You rested your head on his shoulder, wrapping your arms around his chest. You missed this, missed this hugs, how passionate and loving thru always were. You missed his love.
“God angel,” he cooed in your ear between sniffles and sobs, “I still love you two, please I’m so sorry, I know,” he let out a loud, broken cry, you hugged him tighter, you know you should, you should kick him out, never let him back in, but you just couldn’t. His cries broke your heart.
“I know I don’t deserve your- your forgiveness but,” he was practically shaking, “I’m so sorry…” he was broken. You were broken.
Two broken pieces of people could be put together, and create a whole one again.
“It’s, it’s alright Jervis, it’s- it’s alright..” you softly pulled back from the hug, not knowing why you were doing this. But you cupped his wet, warm cheeks into your hands, and pressed your forehead against his.
“Hey, hey baby, shhh,..” you whispered, bringing your thumbs up to wipe his tears away. “It’s alright, hey don’t cry, okay? Im here now, im right here with you, okay?”
He nodded, barely being able to breathe. All the grief of doing what he did finally hit him all at once, along with the guilt of what he did to you.
“It’s okay baby, it’s okay, I forgive you, I still love you,” you reassured him through your own tears. You leaned forward, bringing him into a soft kiss, the wet tear on his cheeks mixed with the tears in yours. His lips were quivering and his hands were shaking.
He pressed into you, pulling you into him, his entire body was shaking, he softly hiccuped into the kiss.
When you pulled away he was still shaking, but his tears slowed, you grabbed his hands, leading him into your bedroom.
“Hey, hey why don’t you stay the night, I don’t think it’s good for you to spend the light alone,” you smiled softly as he excitedly nodded. “Here, I think I still have some pajamas you left at my house once that I kinda stole,” you chuckled as you went thoughts nearby drawer, fetching out a tank-top of his and a pair of shorts.
He gave them to him, he changed right here, in front of you. Just as comfortable as he was when you two were dating.
You just removed your bra and pants, leaving you in a flowery shirt and your underwear.
When he was done he climbed into bed after you, snuggling himself under the covers. Happily smiling as he pressed his face into your soft warm chest.
“Does this mean you forgive me?” He asked softly, closing his eyes as he stared into nothing.
“Of course baby, sorry about earlier I was just, i was really angry and, I don’t know I got a bit carried away,” you apologized.
“No- not it’s fine, I deserved that..” he replied, turning his face to rest his chin on your chest, making eyes contact with you. “But- does this mean, since you still love me and I love you…” he paused, worried to ask this, “Can we try to give it another go? Like, as a couple?” He asked, shyly.
“I would love that,” you smiled, pressing a kiss to the top of his forehead, he cheekily giggled, laying his head down to the side as he closed his eyes.
“I love you, my sweet. Goodnight..” he cooed, barely above a whisper.
“I love you too baby..” you responded. You closed your eyes.
Immediately you fell into a deep, relaxing sleep. The feeling of him cuddling with you was something you needed, something you had missed so dearly.
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msmargaretmurry · 3 months
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For writing ask game, 18, 19, 24!
sorry for the delay, i got home yesterday and was just too tired too think 😭❤ but ok! doing these backwards so i can put the writing commentary under a cut:
24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?
i don't do a lot of prep work in terms of outlining or anything — but i do a fair amount of prep work in terms of pondering and research. does pondering count as prep work? 😂 idk i'm counting it. just ruminating on a concept until it feels story-shaped in my head. i can't write it until it feels story-shaped! and then i'll do a lot of my research as i go, but if i need to know something for the overall story structure i do that research us front — for example if a fic is set over the course of a season i'll go look up the notable games and events so i can plan for story beats to hit in the right places.
answered 19 here!
18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end.
choosing a passage was so hard!! but okay let's talk about this bit from the first chapter of haw:
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so there are a few things going on here, writing-wise! i can't remember exactly when in my pondering i decided i was going to send them both to boots, but i knew that i wanted to get them alone together somewhere very away from hockey, and boots wound up being that place. this convenient run-in is the thing that's really going to set the stage for their relationship going forward, so i wanted to a) establish that they do have chemistry, even if they get off on kind of a fucked-up foot, and b) matthew kind of would like to know leon better, even though he's convinced leon hates him.
matthew's in such a shitty place mentally during this scene. he's so prickly and punchy, and it colors the entire interaction, and i think this scene is one of the first scenes where his tight and unreliable pov significantly warps the perception of what's actually happening. he's so sure leon doesn't like him at all, and so he reads all of leon's bluntness and sarcasm as dislike when really it's mostly just, you know. bluntness and sarcasm. so writing this scene was one of the first real challenges in the fic of knowing what's going on in leon's head while still writing from matthew's pov in a way that doesn't get what's going on in there at all. because matthew's correct that leon's not in a great mood when they encounter each other but he has no idea that leon a) has thought about hooking up with him ever, at all, and b) has been kind of stuck on their weird interaction in the locker room for days now (i can hear miriam now hollering at me from germany to just write the whole scene from leon's pov 😂❤)
the boots scenes in general were fun to write because i loved building the sense of atmosphere. there's not a ton of it in this snippet, but in general making boots feel like a very distinct place, a world apart from real life, was something i was definitely striving for during this stretch of the fic.
anyway, i love the long paragraph that's mostly the inside of matthew's head while they stand in line for beers. i just think it's a fun paragraph, prose-wise, and i just kind of love a paragraph that just kind of tumbles out and keeps going. i feel like some people are a little afraid of writing long paragraphs and i am here to say: don't be, they're fun. particularly with this one it was important for me getting a grasp on the way matthew's thoughts tend to sprawl and spiral and, i think, good for setting the tone for how the inside of his head is gonna work for this whole story.
(and like, that part that's like, "not quite a glare, almost a sizing up" — he's checking you out, matthew, you idiot. get it TOGETHER.)
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llcsecret · 4 months
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Ok, so I just had this idea and I have to write it before I go to sleep.
I have the headcanon that Leo is an insomiac. I mean, how could he not? He has always had a really light sleep, even when they were kids, but since they went to the surface things have been getting worse and worse. Specially after Splinter's dead, and after they had to fight the Super Shredder. Sleep won't come and every time it does then nightmares won't let him sleep more than an hour or two at the time.
And don't get me wrong I think all of the brothers are plaged with nightmares, but in Leo's case he just can't even sleep to get some of those. So he finds things to do. He reads all of his books and comics again and rewatches Space Heroes two times before he moves to the kitchen. He tries new recipes that not always go according to plan, but he always leaves the kitchen clean before Mikey comes to make breakfast. Obviously he trains, but once Raph found him doing that at three am, so after that he tries to do it less so his brothers won't worry about it. The insomnia comes and goes, so he doesn't want to put to much attention into it, nor he wants his brothers to do so.
Sometimes (most of the time) Donnie is up at the same time, even though is not that he can't sleep but that he doesn't want to. So Leo stays with him until Donnie collapses, has the right mind to go to bed, or he's convinced by Leo to go to sleep.
And of course Leo is tired, of course some mornings his body is heavy and his knee is hurting more than normal, but he doesn't know what to do about it. He doesn't know if it is his mind trying to protect him from something (most probable) or how to stop it. But he prefers to be doing something more than just staying in his bed, waiting for sleep to come, something thay he knows it's not happening and letting his mind wander about things that are going to follow him even when his awake. So he tries to find a new balance for his sleep schedule and grip hard whatever semblance of routine he can find.
But of course that doesn't work for long. It doesn't matter that Leo tries to convince his head that meditating is like sleeping, the fact that he's becoming so clumsy does not go ignored by his brothers. Or the fact that they have to call his name two or three times before he reacts to the sound. How he some times starts speaking alone in murmurs, or how the lair always seems to be cleaner in the mornings.
They confront him subtly and kindly, because they know Leo is going to try and deny it, and when he does they get into a big fight, because the tension is high, and Leo is tired and he can't control very well his emotions or the things that get out of his mouth. 'You know we are right!' 'I don't want your help! Leave me alone!'
So the three younger turtles take a decision. They apologize to Leo the morning after and Leo apologizes back because what he said was not fair, they were only trying to help. They all go into the kitchen to eat breakfast and Leo starts doing his morning tea. Once it's ready and they are all seated down Mikey asks the turtle in blue to get the Chantilly cream from the fridge. Leo doesn’t think to much of it and eats his breakfast once he's seated again.
And normally he would have known instantly if there was something in his tea, but he had only slept five hours in the last four nights, so he doesn't, and an hour later he's sound asleep on the sofa.
Donnie, Mikey and Raph feel horrible about it, but they knew that if their brother didn't sleep soon then things were only going to get worse and worse. Leo was going to be really mad when he woke up, but if he physically couldn't sleep on his own then they would be happy to help anyway they could.
I'm sorry, I don't know if this makes any sense. English is not my first language and I'm still learning how to write long things on my own. Please be kind if you don’t agree with me, it was just something that struck my mind and I found interesting.
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watatsumiis · 1 year
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I must request a rant about Pierro or Capitano, I love your headcanons with them!
Ohh man you've got no idea what you've just done aha, I'm very much fixated on these two specifically right now so prepare for not just a rant but a full blown ramble below the cut for both of them
Some minor angst for Pierro's section, be warned
Ok, so in a general kind of sense, I can see Pierro being a very volatile and unpredictable individual, especially when he's in a space where it's safe for him to do so. He can be extremely strict and bossy (especially towards the other harbingers) and kind of detaches himself emotionally from those around him and staunchly refuses to allow himself to get attached because he's just so tired of losing everyone and everything he loves time after time.
I could definitely see him having some form of PTSD, but his outbursts get brushed off as being because of him being in a very highly stressful position as opposed to the fact that he's mentally fucked from so many times of him losing everything he cares about. He really just needs a friend (and maybe some therapy).
I also headcanon him as having arthritis, which gets aggravated a lot by the cold, so he tends to rug up a lot, but he's still very much more on edge than usual - he hates the cold, which makes it kind of suck that he lives in Snezhnaya, in the palace of the Cryo Archon. I could also see him having some back issues (maybe scoliosis or something like that?) so he spends a lot of time cooped up in his chambers, huddled by the fireplace as he curses the cold and dreams of somewhere more temperate.
He's very much the 'grumpy old grandpa' trope, he reads his morning newspaper and drinks his black coffee at the dining table (and in modern AUs scolds people for touching the thermostat). For someone who loathes the cold so much, he sure does have quite the cold personality.
That's not to say his stony facade never falls, however, he does have his moments where he can be something that borders on sweet, especially to the younger members of the Fatui - he exercises an extra bout of patience and will try to the best of his ability to make sure those in his squadrons all come home safe. Despite his anger at the Archons, and the world in general, he doesn't want others to have to go through the same pain that he has.
Capitano... I feel like my interpretation of him differs depending on whether or not it's a modern/real world au. I really like the idea of him being an empty/haunted husk of armour, but now that I've found an appearance headcanon I like for him I've really warmed up to the idea of him being a human.
I headcanon him to look a bit like the rugby player Ma'a Nonu, who has Samoan descent (and is very nice looking imo). I know MHY is gonna disappoint if Cap ever gets a face reveal so I'm just going ham on my headcanons here.
Capitano is very big and broad, his head almost looks a little too small for his body (though his helmet covers it just fine). He has a decent amount of scarring that he's kind of insecure about (and perhaps a touch of vilitigo?), which is a large part of why he wears the clothing he does (in modern AUs, the knight's helmet is replaced with a baseball cap, sunglasses and face mask). He also has dreads, sorry not sorry.
On the surface (and to all of those around him) he's a quiet and intimidating individual, he doesn't speak much (if at all), and when he does it's straight to the point, he doesn't mince his words. His canon voice is... fine, but I feel like I have a different one floating around in my head when I write about him. He also knows a good amount of sign language too, but it doesn't really come in handy unless the people around him know it as well.
He comes off as cold and detached at first, but once he finds someone that he feels needs his protection (whether that be a self insert, canon character, or OC, depends on the day <3 (spoiler: in my case its usually a self insert akjfhkdjsf)), he turns into a big mama bear and takes them under his wing.
He's very protective over his chosen charge, despite how much the others may tease him for it. Capitano has a very strong sense of loyalty and ideals and once he's put his mind to protecting someone, he'd sooner die than let something happen to them. He firmly believes that actions speak louder than words, so instead of reassuring the ones he cares about, he just lets his actions do the talking, wordlessly looking after them in his own signature way (which could entail him physically protecting them from harm, or doing small things to keep them safe such as lending his coat, cooking food, or making sure there's always somewhere safe for them to hide away if things get too much).
Despite all of this, he struggles a bit to empathise consistently with those around him if he hasn't connected to them in his signature way, especially if he sees them as a lower rank than himself. In some AUs at least, he sees the other Harbingers as a kind of family, and subtly does things to help them out (though he's careful not to get caught), but if it's someone he doesn't spend much time around on a daily basis, he just sort of... disregards them.
Sorry this turned into a bit of an incoherent rant, I just got VERY excited seeing these two names in my inbox, I love these two so so much. Thanks so so much for the ask, I really do appreciate it :D!!
Please don't steal/copy/repost my work!
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roseadleyn · 1 year
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𝘼𝙘𝙖𝙘𝙞𝙖 𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐝, 𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐩𝐞.
some of my ocs x some manhwas, let's see where this goes ^^
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Penelope leans back with a sigh. Her tired hand massages her temples wearily.
Don't do it.
She doesn't want to.
But she desperately needs another ally on her side. Yvonne's arrival is closer than ever. Her birthday is less than three weeks away--she cannot stop the familiar flutterings of panic from closing up around her throat.
Don't do it.
Why would he even agree to begin with? It is not like she has an excellent reputation, especially abroad. And especially him, an Emperor, so intelligent and sought after if he's in his right mind he'll never agree. The paper for the letter is still blank, and her hand holding the quill hasn't moved.
What should she even write? 'Dear Your Majesty, sorry to bother you, but I need your help.'
Even inside her own head the words sounded idiotic.
OK. Let's do this. She takes a deep breath and begins her letter, choosing words so carefully... she wouldn't even write to the crown prince like this. After almost 45 minutes, and after many, many, many failed attempts, she has finally composed an acceptable letter and sealed it into an envelope.
'Emily!' She calls.
The maid peeks into the room. 'Yes, Miss?'
'I want you to send this letter.'
Emily's eyes widen when she takes in the address. 'But.. this is for..'
'I know who it's for, Emily,' Penelope grumbles, 'especially considering I'm the one who wrote it. I also want you to never mention this letter to anyone in the household.'
Because all they'll do is cause problems, she silently adds.
Raymond fastens the clasp of his cloak, and then picks up the letter and reads it over again for the umpteenth time. This letter had arrived a week before, and it clearly sought after his help. He could tell that despite it not being written in the letter.
Eckart, Penelope Eckart... Why would a lady like her ever need his help?
And even if had been sent by anyone else, Raymond had a habit of helping those who needed it.
So, curiosity, interest and instinct (?) meant that a week later he had made preparations for traveling to the Eorka Empire, and that he had consulted with Emma over his matters.
Emma frowns as she checks his things. 'I don't like it when you leave me.'
Raymond responds with a laugh. 'Emma, don't fuss, I'll be back before this week is up.'
'Well.' He could tell Emma was trying her best to hold herself back, but she said, 'you know, this lady is very well sought after especially after what happened in the hunting competition and '
'Emma, I'm not going there to propose marriage. Also, do you think her brothers will strike me down where I stand just because I talked to her?'
Emma, who had met both Reynold and Derrick, mutters, 'Wouldn't put it past them, especially the first one, he stares at Lady Penelope in such a creepy manner.'
Raymond looks up from the letter. 'Did you say something?'
'Yes. Give the eldest brother a kick from me.' She stands up on tiptoe and kisses him on the cheek. 'Go have fun. Safe travels.'
Raymond is so red that she thinks he might malfunction, but he manages to smile. 'See you, then.'
Penelope knows that she will eventually have to tell the duke about Raymond, but she keeps on delaying until the evening before his arrival. She smooths out her dress as she approaches the room where her 'family' sits eating dinner. As she enters the room, the duke looks up. 'Penelope? This is a pleasant surprise. I'll have them bring in another chair '
Now, because she feels hungry, she normally sits down to eat. But Derrick is stating at her and she feels an odd sense of foreboding, thus she makes a mental note to eat once she gets upstairs. 'Um, no, father, I'm not hungry,' she lies, 'I just came to inform you that I have invited a guest tomorrow.'
'A guest? Who is it?'
Penelope scans the room, hoping against hope that she won't have to say it, but she says, 'Raymond of Asmen '
She's interrupted when Reynold slams his hands down, 'No! You invited that bastard? Do you have any idea how pathetic he is?'
'Reynold!' Derrick warns.
'Penelope... was there any need to call him?' The duke asks; and she can tell he's holding himself back.
'We met in the forest during the hunting competition; and as to why we need to meet...' Penelope looks the Duke in the eye, 'That, Father, is a matter between me and him.'
The Duke is silent and she fears that he might be more furious than both Derrick and Reynold, whose disapproval she can almost feel rolling off in waves, but she needn't worry. He nods almost imperceptibly and then turns to the butler to make preparations for the arrival.
Penelope fights the smile threatening to show on her face. Even then the relief that fills her heart is expansive, as though it will lift her off the ground.
'Well, Princess?' Raymond looks up and glances at her, dark hair falling into grey eyes. 'What did you need my help with?'
'Well.' Penelope chooses her words carefully. 'Your Highness, I need your help with '
'With surviving this accursed game?'
Penelope's head snaps up, staring at him. 'How did you '
Raymond doesn't smile. 'Mistreated by family, intelligent and sharp, always on the lookout as though you expect to be attacked any second, all the characters interested in you. Extraordinarily beautiful, too.'
She feels her cheeks color. 'What does that have to do with anything?'
'Let's talk freely, Princess.' Raymond leans forward. 'You're a transmigrator. You can go back, you know.'
'I can't.' Her hands tremble on the way too lacy tablecloth. 'Not unless I stay alive and find the godforsaken hidden ending. And that's.. it's hard.'
Raymond leans forward, all playfulness gone from the demeanor. 'I'll help you, then. How do you need my help?'
Penelope composes herself, taking a deep breath. 'My, my escort, Eckles, has gone haywire. I don't trust him that much anymore. I never trusted him all that much to begin with... but that's besides the point. I will stay here until Yvonne's arrival. However, after my coming-of-age ceremony.. I would like for you to provide me a place to live in your empire. My family will not be able to do anything, unless they want to risk war against your empire. And I'll say I went by own will, so they won't accuse you of of kidnapping, or something. Of course, they might say you forced or blackmailed me, but they won't be able to take me away. In short, I ask for your protection.'
Raymond is silent, thinking it over, and for a minute she feels he will refuse. Then he looks up and grins. 'That's a plan, then, Princess.'
She gazes at him in shock. 'You'll do it?'
'Of course I will. And tell you what. I'll let you live in the Imperial Palace, since you'll be under direct protection from me, and that'll be better.'
Penelope stares at him, then her face breaks out into the first true smile she's worn in a long, long time. 'Thank you, Your Highness. My goodness...I can't begin to thank you enough!'
Raymond smiles. 'You're very much welcome, Princess.'
As he gets up to leave, he asks, 'Next time I come to meet you, may I kick the eldest brother?'
Startled, she asks, 'Why?'
'It's a request.'
'Of course you may,' She grimly nods, 'and I'll join in.'
tagging; .||@elychee || @mysticmeena || @loekas ||.
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p-antomime · 2 years
Note
kiki, i'm sorry for bringing up this on your blog, but you're the blog i follow here for a longer time, so i know you probably will can explain it to me, but, anyways, what's happening with tokyo revengers' writers these times? first of all, i'm not a hate anon nor that bullshit of 'bad constructive criticism disguised as good', i am not talking about it, i'm talking about the decrease of works in the type tags:
tokyo revengers x reader
[insert a character] x reader
but, not in the sense of quality, you know? in the sense of posts being shown in the #.
I'm also not a silent reader that just likes, I reblog by 2 different accounts every post that passes my dash, but I felt that these months (since January) very little was published in these respective tags, you know?
i hope you don't see this message as aggressive or rude, because in fact i tried to explain myself with a calm and understanding tone because, since i am not a writer and creator and just a consumer, i believe that i must be missing some information and that you, who know what goes on in the 'backstage' of everything, must know something more.
kisses, kiki! love you! and have a nice day too <3
hmmmmmmmmmm ok, lets have this convo.
let's start by talking about: me, kiki p-antomime blog, as an isolated case, right?
In the past two weeks, I probably had the hardest time as a writer in my whole fucking life because tumblr RESOLVED on its own that it wouldn't want to show my posts in the # and I was like "ok, it must be some kind of problem with some kind of tumblr's internal configuration & settings, i should fix it probably just by sending a review or two to tumblr's support". (but it wasn't a problem like this because tumblr's support literally kicked me on the face and said that everything was normal with my blog, so, anyways, moving on...)
And that was fine. My main problem was not tumblr not showing the posts in the #, my main problem was: this motherfucker app showed the posts with the requests, but not the one-shot with the story itself. Like, fuck, what the fuck does this app want from me?
I was mad about it yesterday, I'm still mad about it today.
And I won't deny to you or to anyone else who will read this that, while I was posting the one-shot with dog hybrid!mitsuya on my phone (but through tumblr's browser, not app), i had the p-antomime blog open on my computer right on the 'deactive' button because, damn… honestly, this made me so tired that I thought I was going to have syncope in the middle of my room.
But anyway, why am I citing this case to myself yesterday? To make obvious a problem that I know other writers are having, but that they are probably just talking among themselves on discord servers or in DMs here on tumblr:
the #'s are so fucking broken. And it's not a new thing.
Since the fucking update with this shit about putting the # used in the previous post in whatever you're reblogging, the # has been extremely bad to be used and, lol, we know that without them the post doesn't have the desired reach, especially for smaller blogs and this is a cycle, you know? An interdependent cycle.
Writer spends HOURS writing something (doesn't matter if it's one-shot or headcannon, it takes hours anyway) → Tries to post it and gets excited to know how it will be received by those who follow him and also by those who don't, since that's what the # is for → Finds out that tumblr doesn't show their posts in the # → Gets sad and that's it.
Exhausting is not enough to explain this shit, you know?
And it's not about 'only caring about notes', before some idiot with lack of reading comprehension comes along, it's about knowing and hoping that tumblr will take the trouble to DO THE LEAST for you, which is precisely to show your works in the #.
Lastly, I don't think it's a problem involving only tokyo revengers writers, because some friends of mine who write for BNHA also talked about the same thing, but, in my case, this is only happening in posts with tokyo revengers #'s since I've moved away a little these months from the BNHA fandom.
Anyways, after reading all this, don't ask me if I will continue writing for tokyo revengers because today I'm reevaluating a lot of things on this blog and I haven't come to a good conclusion about this problem yet.
obs: I didn't get into how a good portion of the consumers here on tumblr are extremely mean and make a good portion of writers deactive with mean comments because this problem was not and still is not the topic of our conversation at the moment and also there have been several writers talking about this in the past few days, so I don't think it is necessary for me to get into that topic at the moment.
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faroreswinds · 2 years
Note
I really enjoyed your reviews of SB and GW. Am eagerly awaiting your final part of GW as well as the rest of your AG run too. Penny for your thoughts. In terms of poor writing, how would you rank CF, SB and GW? And I mean in a vacuum BTW. As in, without comparing GW to VW that also exists. I just mean as 3 routes themselves, how would you rank CF, SB and GW as poorly written routes? I personally thought GW was worse than SB but maybe GW was equal to CF tbh. So maybe SB > CF = GW overall.
I appreciate it, anon!
I'm so sorry it's taking a while anon. I'm still traveling right now. I have to drag my computer around with me and I have been busy house hunting, visiting people, and now I have to go get a new tire cause mine got a nail.....
I WILL finish it, I promise, it's just my time is limited and I have had to prioritize things.
Ok, so, for ranking purposes.... hmmmmm......
I mostly agree with your ranking, actually. Except I think CF gets a slight edge.
SB is boring as fuck and has serious tonal issues. However, it's at least competent overall. It's.... logical. I don't feel like anyone is too out of character, decisions being made make sense, etc. The characters are awful people but that doesn't necessarily make it bad writing on its own.
GW Part 1 is be best of the lot. But GW on a whole? It's terrible. Part 2 drags it completely down. Claude's decisions not nonsensical and lack any critical thinking, even if you consider that he isn't an all-seeing god. Considering how he is portrayed in part 1, and how "smart" he is supposed to be, he openly ignores things being said to him and just... does things anyways. The lessons the writers want him to learn don't stick, and isn't a very good lesson to be had just in general.
It is truly, truly awful.
CF is not good either, but like SB, it's mostly competent. And since it is mostly competent, I have to give it a leg up over GW.
Don't get me wrong, CF has a LOAD of writing problems - tone issues, prioritizing romance over everything else, putting the Slithers in an epilogue, etc. But at least the character decisions still make sense.
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silversweetpea · 2 years
Note
(Resend of the missing ask:)
I'm mad at Tumblr because it didn't tell me you answered my ask. I had to find out on my own. The absolute betrayal coming from this hellsite. 😠 *MoonKightsoulmateficMoonKightsoulmateficMoonKightsoulmateficMoonKightsoulma-* Yay! I'm looking forward to it!
I am completely in denial about the show being over. Absolutely not, it's still running. Episode 7 aired yesterday and it was the boys just practicing some self-care and getting along. That's it. That's the plot of it. And every episode coming forward. (Ok, if my definition of 'new episode' is just me scrolling through the Moon Knight x reader tag on Wednesdays at 3am, who's going to stop me??)
I am doing good, thanks! I guess I just mentioned it because sometimes I disappear when I don't know what to add to a conversation. But *ahhhh*, the Moon Knight finale had me dealing with conflicting emotions.
*Oh??* It's actually happening?? Well now this feels *real*. Take your time! Work at your own pace. And doing research before I get into anything is something I can relate to. And so is having a hyperfixation with Marc Spector. 😅 I love both my Moon Boys equally -and I *know* I'll love Jake just as much when (*when*, I refuse to accept an 'if') they show us more of him-, but I've found it so hard to find good Marc content that I'm focusing on him a bit more. I've read too many fics where they just make him seem so uncaring towards the reader and I feel like that doesn't fit his characterization at all 😭. And I'm not talking like 'pushing them away for their own good' uncaring. Like actually not caring about them or being downright cruel to them and I just feel like that doesn't fit his character. Anyways, yes, *very* much looking forward to the wedding fic. And hey! If tagging me makes you anxious, don't worry about it- you don't have to do it. That being said, if you feel better about it when you're done and the deciding factor is solely based on my interest, I do want it. Only if you're ok with it, though.
Oh *no*, I would have cried at that 😂. I remember when I first saw the movie in theaters, I actually said what he was going to say before he did. That doesn't make sense... Uh, basically, when he said 'My name is Peter Parker' I finished with 'and I'll have a cup of coffee' or something like that, and he said the same thing I said afterwards and I was just like *no, wait, I didn't want to be right!!* The same thing happened with the 'I am inevitable' 'And I am Iron Man exchange' in Endgame. Basically, I'm not allowed to guess what the characters are going to say next because it ends up being true 😅. I *did* watch Multiverse of Madness!!! If you wanna talk about it, I'm your girl!
Oooh, I used to know how to knit when I was younger, but I forgot how to do it over time... On simple and repetitive tasks, I 100% get it. I do the same with cross stitching! It requires just enough focus that more often than not, I just let my mind wander and daydream (or sometimes I play a series or movie in the background), and it's really fun! At least for me. I'm actually working on a series of flowers that *were* supposed to be mother's day presents, but I only managed to get the one for my mom (you have *no* idea how many times I rewatched Moon Knight while I worked on it) done on time because I overestimated how much time I had left. I'm still working on the other three, though! I guess they'll just be *late* mother's day presents. And they're on this really pretty aida (the kind of fabric most commonly used for cross stitching) with these sparkly bits woven into it! Sorry for rambling on about it! I just felt like mentioning it because busywork + flowers (with your whole theme being a *flower shop*), I don't know. 😅
Awwwww!!! You reread my asks?? I'm so touched! I'm glad they make you happy enough to go through them again. 🥰
I did!!! I loved them!!! Steven Grant is a gift to the world (and so is your writing) and I will never tire of reading about him (especially fluff). I just love him so much 😭.
I'm having a lovely day, made better by the fact that I see two *more* new fics I have to read from you 👀?? A Matt Murdock fic *and* a contiuation to what is to date my favorite of your fics?? Seriously, *how* are you getting all of my favorite characters and tropes?? Are you spying on me or something?? The wedding + flashbacks idea is understandable, I gave that one to you, but apart from the Moon Boys, you're writing for Peter Parker(s) *and* Matthew Murdock?? This is getting too far. I actually haven't had any water all day, I'm terrible with remembering to drink water, so thanks for the reminder! 😅
I really am happy about the tag and I have actually used that emoji as a signature before! 🦕🦕🦕
Before I go, allow me to be the little devil on your shoulder, or angel, depending on how you look at it, I suppose, and tell you to release everything you've finished in your drafts out into the world. *Flood the blog* 😈! Post as much or as little as you want, just know that I will eat it all up the moment I see it.
Aaaaand, last but not least, about the ask game! What about... 2H and something from the range of 9H to 12H? I'm curious about all of these, so you can pick from there, or answer them all if you want. Your call.
I'm off now, I think we both know what I'm going to do next- I have two fics to catch up on, after all... Oh! Also I saw your updated masterlist that Matt's flower is 'Devil's Crown'. Sounds fitting! Do you have a scientific name for it or a picture or something? I tried to look for it and I basically get a bunch of pictures of flower crowns with devil horns sticking out of them, and somehow I doubt that's what it is...
This got a bit long. Sorry about all the rambling. Have a lovely day and make sure to drink lots of water!
Tumblr is awful about notifications these days I absolutely get that jalfjdlskafjdlksa. Sorry you had to find out because of scrolling!
!!!!!! I'm looking forward to writing it! I have the first part ready to go and I'm going to post it just as soon as I clear up some of the asks in my inbox! The first part is more prologue-y than I'd like but I like the dynamic it sets up so I don't want to change it too much and I'll just have to focus on making up for it in the second part!
I am also still in denial about the show being over. Love that the newest episode showed us exactly what Steven's method of note taking is for studying, can't wait to implement it in my classes!
I'm glad you're doing good!! I also suck at conversations I don't know what to add to. I feel a litte silly sometimes because I'll talk with someone for hours and hours and then they'll say something that just flips a switch in my brain and suddenly I have no idea how to interact with them anymore.
Yes!!!! the wedding fic is coming I just have a few projects I'm working on ahead of it but I have become increasingly self indulgent in soft fics and the premise of that sort of wedding fic makes me feel so soft. I do agree that a lot of writes have been making Marc a bit too harsh and I feel like sometimes I overcompensate by making him too soft but I think it's all about style and tone and voice I guess too. If I don't vibe with a fic these days I just assume its me being sensitive or picky.
I was devestated when I saw NWH in theaters. I literally was on A03 on the way home to find fix it fics. Amnesia stories are such a sucker punch for me and the look on his face when he decided not to tell her???? I felt truely and utterly disembowled. ALSO MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS WAS SO GOOD AND I'M STILL ITCHING TO REWATCH IT AAHHHHHH
cross stitching sounds fun! I don't think that's one I've tried but it sounds like it's similar enough that i'll have to add it to the list of things to work towards! It'll have to wait until I'm done with my blanket though, if I don't focus on it It'll never get done. You don't have to apologize for rambling, I like hearing about other people's hobbies! I don't know much about it but the fabric does sound really pretty and I'm sure that the finished projects are going to look great and your mom will love them even if she doesn't get them until christmas!
of course I reread your asks! You have a really nice energy and it's nice to revist when I'm feeling down!
fdjklafjdsklfjdsklfjds kfhdsklajfdklsajf thank you???? I'm really touched that you like them! I've said it a couple times now but I really do tend to write for myself so everytime I post it's always kind of scary in case people really don't like it.
Pinky promise I'm not spying on you we just happen to have a lot of cross over in our favorite characters and tropes I guess. I love Matt he's just tricky to get the right tone for sometimes so I have to make sure I have the right playlist on. My first peter fic is coming soon too! I just have to manage to wrangle him into a one shot instead of outlining multipart fics for him right out of the gate. I like to make sure I can write a character okay before I commit to a big project!
This is also your reminder for today to go drink water!!
I'm sorry to disappoint ''the angel/devil on my shoulder'' energy that I'm not going to flood the blog tonight either. I just feel bad about it and then I keep the fics in my drafts long enough that I want to edit them and keep tweaking them and then before I know it I have entirely new premises than the ones I started with and the cycle starts all over again. I'm thinking I'm going to have to start setting a time limit for how long projects can sit in ther!
I think I'll just answer 2H, 9H, and 12H since I don't want this post to be too long but I do like the ask game! I adore astrology themed things and this one had a lot of really fun questions!
2H - do you have any object that you like a little too much? What is it and why?
hm, well, I don't know if there's anything I'm really obsessed with in a way that's a problem? I know that I can be a bit annoying to the people around me with stuffed animals because I have like 20 of the guys that sit on my bed. They're not any one animal or brand though, I just like animals.
9H - What languages would you like to learn?
All of them. I know most people say something like that but I legitimately considered being a translator professionally at one point in my life. I think languages are facinating and a really neat way to examine the extension of a culture. Right now I'm learning Italian and Spanish and dabbling a bit in basic ASL vocab to communicate a bit with some regulars I see at my day job but I'm not particularly good at any of them yet. I think the only language (other than english) I get annoyed at or don't want to learn at the moment is french because as much as I adore all that it represents and how beautiful it is I cannot for the life of me understand it or remember how to speak it. I tried for like 3 years in school and it was just aweful. One day I'll figure it out but that day is not today.
12H - which is/are your biggest fear(s)?
Oh yikes, a more serious one. Uhm, I mean not to get too existential on main (or in this case side) but I think the idea of being forgotten or dying unknown? I think that due to my particular experiences the idea of being known is intrinsically tied to the idea of being loved and so the idea of dying without ever truely being known and understood makes me and and fearful? Not in a 'I need to be famous' way but more so in a 'will someone remember the way that I drink my tea when I'm gone' way, right? In a less existential way though I'm terrified of being stranded at sea.
So I've actually already posted a fic explaining but this ask was written before then so I'm just gonna answer it anyhow. Devil's Crown is a bit of an uncommon name for a Red Spider Lily but it's one that I absolutely could not let go of when I was looking for Matt's flower, especially when I saw that its meanings were so perfect for him. (I mean, how many other flowers are both of the heavens and related to hell and represent cycles and rebirth???)
Again, you don't have to apologize for rambling I enjoy reading them! Thank you for sending such fun asks in! I hope you have a fantastic day!!
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lamnwar · 1 year
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Ok I have another req! Could I request a fem reader x taiga who's used to guys only expressing interest in her body and sexuality and sexualising her so when taiga doesn't do that it makes her think that he isn't into her? Angst and miscommunication and misunderstandings but it gets resolved in the end!
Hiiii bby 💕 so so sorry I took so long to work on your request, it took me longer than expected bc the premise kinda hit too close to home and I had a hard time seperating my personal feelings from what I was writing 😭 here it is and I hope you enjoy it! I was very happy to write on Kagami for you again <333
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Doubts // Kagami Taiga x Fem! Reader
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Context: you're so used to boys sexualizing you that when a certain Kagami Taiga enters your life, you don't know what to expect from him anymore. Characters are aged up (18+) for plot context.
Warnings: college!au, angsty, reader is insecure, trust issues, implicit mentions of sex but nothing detailed so still sfw, Kagami being a bit oblivious, reader and Kagami have a little misunderstanding but it's resolved at the end <3 fluff towards the end bc I'm a romantic at the core 🥰
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The sun hits your face as you get out of the lecture hall, the sweet scent of spring reaching you and giving you a false sense of rest. It doesn’t last long; the other students follow behind you, and soon enough you are stuck in a crowd that wander aimlessly, following the flow when really you should be walking the opposite direction. It’s noon, you should be going home to a miserable sandwich, take a quick nap and wake up wondering if you truly want to show up to the next lecture or just do nothing for the rest of the day.
A voice calls for you, and you turn around, tired eyes opening up slightly when you recognize the silhouette coming towards you. Taiga runs to you, big body forcing everyone to get out of his way so he can reach you. And he does, Taiga with his honest smile, and his old backpack nonchalantly hanging on his broad shoulders. You smile, though your body tenses up.
“Wanna have lunch with me?” he asks.
You are tempted to decline the invitation, like every time he comes to you. It’s more a reflex than what your heart truly wants, and you are fully aware of it. So in confusion, you urge yourself to give an answer:
“Was heading home to eat, actually” you say, hoping that he’ll let you go.
But he doesn’t because Kagami Taiga never does. It irritates you in some ways, probably because you can’t make sense of it. He’s not the kind to hang out with you now, is he?
Kagami Taiga has always been the “out of your reach” kind of person.  A handsome guy that walks the campus by turning all heads, yet he appears somewhat oblivious – or maybe he’s grown accustomed to the looks he gets at everything he goes. He’s the one people invite to their parties although they barely know him, and the one girls wish they could date one day. He’s all that, with his cool aura, a constant frown on his face that make him look more intimidating than he really is, and his reputation as the best basketball player the university has ever had.
So, considering all that, maybe it makes sense that you’re suspicious when he’s suddenly taken a liking to you. It cannot be without intentions, and you suspect that they aren’t pure. It’s just something you know. Men always disappoint you.
Your friends tell you that you are dramatic for making such statement, and you’ve wondered for a long while if you’re just not too pessimistic. At the end of the day, men are humans too, aren’t they? What is the point of assuming that they’re not capable of love, or rather, of loving you? You’ve struggled on multiple sleepless nights, grieving the false hopes you’ve built for yourself – just because a guy said the right words, and hold you the right ways, and made your heart pound at the right pace. It’s always started like a dream, too good to be true, you’d repeat to yourself. Because it never took long for your prince to turn into a frog, dropping you the moment he no longer found pleasure in your body. And the circle would start again, with a new guy, and new words, new feelings, till he nonchalantly confessed how you were nothing more than a piece of meat to him. Always a “hump and dump”, so are you wrong, to be suspicious of all men?
“You know, I wanna cook for you one day” Taiga’s voice resonates as you keep walking out of the campus to reach your place.
“Why would you want to cook for me, anyway?”
It’s a genuine question – something like that can hold so many meanings, so you wonder what it could signify for him. You have your own meaning of it: you’ll only cook for the one you love. A gesture of love, exclusive, and that you believe you’ll never get to make, considering how things are going for yourself.
“I’m a fucking good chef, for one, and it’d make me happy to see you eat my food” he replies with his usual straightforwardness.
The romantic undertones of his answer do not go unnoticed and your heart pounds in your chest, despite all your efforts of keeping it down. Every one of his words, every one of his actions, takes you back to the days when you were just a teenager having crushes and dreaming of the kind of romance that you’ve got to learn doesn’t exist in reality.
“Well… we’ll see about that” you reply, not wanting to reject him as the tiny glimpse of hope that he is genuine guides your actions.
He smiles, striking you right in your most sensitive spot – it’s hard not to smile back, but you’d be a fool to do so. He’s no different from the others, you repeat to yourself. Yet, here you are, walking in the soft sun of spring and honestly enjoying his presence. He doesn’t have to do much or say much, his aura somewhat soothing to you. You feel like you’re falling for a spell, aware of it but still uncapable of resisting it. You sigh, looking at the time on your phone as you rack your brain for a way out of here. It’s not quite that you want to leave Taiga, but more that you need to. You fear what will happen if you extend these simple moments with him, if you let your guards down and don’t think twice as the space between you gets smaller, and smaller.
So, you need to flee the situation. For your own sake, for your own heart. It hurts you to leave him, but you’re convinced there’s truly a greater purpose to you digging the distance between the basketball player and you. But you fail, and you really can’t bring yourself from stopping him from walking you home. For a second there, you look up at the sky like it holds these answers you’re seeking for.
It’s insane, how your heart beats at the simple thought of Taiga. His warm smile, the way his hand lingers on your waist when you walk together in crowds, his voice when he calls your name – all so confusing, yet so consuming. And then you stop and think back to all those who were there before him. Those who praised your body at night and ignored your soul in the daylight. Those who charmed you with smiles and words, making you feel at the top of the world for a second, and made you realized that you worthed no more than dust the next second. It’s always promises of stars in your eyes, till it turns out to be nothing but dreams. It’s destructive, this circle you’ve got yourself into inadvertently. And you hate yourself for letting it get the best of you. You hate yourself for letting it install all these doubts in your mind. Maybe you’re too cautious, maybe you’re running away from a true opportunity; there’s just no way of knowing for sure. It’s simply that you’re brought to lose all trust in men, and despite the warmth Taiga brings you, he can’t be an exception.
He can’t be right? It doesn’t matter how he makes you feel, he’ll hurt you, too… won’t he?
But under the soft rays of the sun, he’s no more than a human that you love. You may inch away from him at each step, but he doesn’t give up. And you wait in frustration that he shows himself to be no better than others. The moment he’ll touch you with clear intentions of consuming your body, or that he’ll outright tell how you’re nothing more than an attractive body. He’s yet to say or do anything of that sort – does he even like you, in any way? Taiga has always kept a fair amount of distance, despite never leaving your circle. He stays in proximity, yet never comes to close, and you keep waiting for the moment he’ll reach and turn your fear into reality. You always wonder why he doesn’t do like the others, when he’s had countless of occasions to act. He’s never once let his fingers linger longer than needed on your waist, he’s never once looked at you with lustful eyes, he’s never once made a suggestive comment. But he doesn’t go away either, and here you are, confused and struggling.
“You never give me straightforward answers when you I invite you to stuff” he lets out.
You slow down, struggling to hide your reaction upon the realization that he’s somewhat noticed that habit of yours. Granted, you’re probably not as sly as you think you are. After months of him suggesting things that you may do together, and you answering in the most elusive way possible, maybe it shouldn’t be such a surprise that he’s noticed that pattern of yours.
“I really don’t, do I?” you try to laugh yourself out of the spotlight.
Yet, you fail. He’s caught you, and you still have to figure out how much has he picked up on.
“Well, you know me” he stops mid-sentence to stretch his arms.
You don’t say anything. Do you truly know him, you wonder. He seems to think so, but at the same time, it might just be a ruse. For all you know, you can’t never truly know someone. You don’t see how he’ll be any different.
“Just say it, if I piss you off” he reprises, “I’ve never been good at reading minds.”
“You don’t annoy me” you reply immediately, before you can even think of an answer.
It’s like something has taken over you, a part of you you’d usually repress for you believe it’s incapable of making sensible choices. You sigh, as a silence settles between both your bodies. Only the chirping of the birds and the sounds of cars passing by interrupt the quiet. It’s not comfortable at all. If anything, there’s a lot left unsaid. After each step, each breath, each side glance at each other, you feel the tension build up.
“Hey, d’you even like me?”
Taiga’s voice sounds up, snapping the tension in a sharp move. You’re defenceless, but somehow fishing for a semblance of barricade to build up.
“You can’t ask that kind of silly questions…”
“You can’t keep being avoidant like that.”
“Fuck.”
He’s really got you cornered. For some reason, the more it goes, the more you feel yourself crumbling. You feel like crying, yet tears don’t fall. You just have the feeling that at any point, you’ll just falter and break in tiny pieces in front of him.
“Yeah… you know what? I better stop right now. I sound like a fucking looser trynna pass for a nice guy. Sorry for being a bitch about my own doubts. They have nothing to do with you.”
You furrow your brows, stopping in your walk as you register his words.
“Are they real?” you ask.
“Huh?”
“Your doubts… are they real? Or are you just saying that to make me feel something?”
He ogles at you, seemingly shocked by your words.
“The fuck you’re saying? I just feel like I like you more than you do, that’s just it.”
“Yeah, but do you really like me, Taiga?”
You sniff, your deepest thoughts cracking through your barricade.
“Yes I do! I thought I was being obvious enough” he replies, eyebrows raised in incredulousness.
“Pardon me, but it’s hard to believe so” you reply, not daring to confront his gaze. “Guys like you…”
You stop before finishing your sentence. It hurts you to say these words to someone that you love despite everything. And you feel stupid enough for loving him, like you haven’t learned your lesson yet. You shouldn’t let him in, he’ll use you and leave you, like they all do.
“Hey…” Taiga’s is voice is soft in your ears, comforting, exactly what you need at this instant which makes you even more cautious of him.
“Leave it, Taiga. You don’t have to comfort me” you say as you take a step back. “You don’t have to be nice to me at all, actually. It’s pointless, because…”
You take a breath, wondering why it’s so hard to speak, yet as soon as you open your mouth, it feels like an unstoppable flow of words. Just all your deepest insecurities coming to the surface and embracing you in their vile hands, to the point where you are nothing but your fear of being used by someone you love.
“The moment you’ll realize you can’t get what you want of me, you’ll leave, anyways. They always do, guys like you.”
For a moment, neither of you speak. You can’t say more for your part, and as for him, he doesn’t know what to say. It’s rather conflicting; should he defend himself, or take you in his arms? Or should he, simply, walk away if the sight of him hurts you so much? Despite everything, he finds himself unable to move anywhere further from you. It’s like some force drives him to stay by you, even if you might hate him.
“I’m sorry” he finally says.
If you dare look at his eyes, you might be surprised by the sight. The flame that usually shines so bright in his eyes is almost inexistent, replaced by the wavering glimmer of humid eyes. Your overly cautious self isn’t quite sure what these words mean. It could be an admission of guilt, and that prospect shatters your heart in countless little pieces.
“What for?” you risk yourself asking.
“For not showing you properly how I feel about you. Have I been more straightforward… you’d probably think of me differently. You wouldn’t have to love me back, either way, but I’d have the comfort of knowing that you knew that I was genuine” he answers, hands digging in his pockets. “And I’m sorry I can’t prove myself to be better than the assholes who’ve treated you like shit before. Just say the word, and I’ll go. Or say nothing, there’s meaning to that, too.”
He doesn’t say a single word after that, the sound of cars passing by crashing between your two silent bodies. You feel the tears well up in the corner of your eyes, almost spilling but being kept there, on the edge of your eyelids. The seconds pass by faster than you want them to while you are yet to say or do anything. The more time passes by, the more Taiga feels something break in him. He’s never been really good at relationships – he isn’t a reader of people, and up till recently, he’s never really taken the time to reflect on the way he feels. But things somewhat changed when he met you, the heat you brought to his heart being a novelty he’s been on a quest to understand. And then he figured that it must simply be love. Maybe he’s been expressing it wrong, maybe he should have been more observant, he would have caught on the signs that you’ve lost all trust in others.
It takes everything in him to take a step away from you. Kagami Taiga has never been the kind to give up. But he still fights against himself and move, digging the distance between you. And at the sight of his tall frame going away, your hand reaches forward by itself. You tug at his t-shirt, forcing him to turn around to look at you. Teary eyes stare at each other as your fingers don’t let go of the fabric of his t-shirt.
“Could you… could you hold me then? Just once, to show me that you truly like me.”
Your request surprises him. Everything till now has been convincing him that you need him the furthest away from you, yet, when he looks at your pleading eyes, he realises that this might just be his window. Before he truly has to let you go, he should hold you the way he’s always wanted to.
And he does, strong arms pushing you towards his chest where you hear the erratic beat of his heart. You cry, as his fingers pat your head with a gentleness that you’ve always been craving. You don’t want him to let you go, and by the way he holds you, he doesn’t either. That much is made clear to you, and here in Taiga’s embrace you figure for once that maybe, yeah maybe, someone can truly love you.
“I don’t like you, dummy. I love you” his voice sounds smoothly in your ears.
Truer words have never been spoken to you, and they go straight to your aching heart, somehow mending it back together.
“You do?”
“Yeah, and I’ll prove it to you every day till there’s not a single doubt left in your pretty head.”
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xuxishortcake · 3 years
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ɴᴏᴡ ᴘʟᴀʏɪɴɢ
John Mayer - Your body is a wonderland
¹:⁰³ ──♡──────³:³⁰
𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 : your boyfriend, Taeyong has been worn out due to working hard on his latest comeback & you just wanna appreciate him & tell him how much you love him <3
𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | 𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐬 : sub!idol Dom!reader smut , angst ? some pretty cute fluff : 3, cursing , cream pie, cunninilingus, handjob , blowjob , praising
𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 : 1.7k
hey everyone! this is my first official ff, so pardon me if there's Grammer errors, spelling mistakes, etc. I got inspired to write this while listening to "your body is a wonderland." I just love the soft, morning sex feel of the song & wanted to turn it into a ff. I'm not sure if I'll be an active poster , but I did have fun while writing this & making up stories is a hobby of mine so we'll see. feedback is very appreciated, & enjoy!! :3
♡ ♥ ♡ ♥ ♡ ♥ ♡ ♥ ♡ ♥
it was a pleasant Sunday morning & you woke up a little earlier than usual to the sound of birds chirping. You rubbed your eyes to adjust to the light streaming through the semi transparent curtains. next to you, lay your peacefully asleep boyfriend, Taeyong. {damn,} you thought, {even while sleeping he's just breathtaking to look at. God really does have favorites huh.} it made you smile to see him look so tranquil.
the night before, he came in the apartment quite fatigued since he had been out all day, practicing for his group's newest comeback.
"hey bubu," you said as you stood up from the couch you were sat at. you walked over & you hugged him. "how was everything today? any new progress?"
"mmm, everything's going along well, just a little tired because the recording session was a bit hard. I'm just glad to be back home & hugging you." he said while putting his head in the crook of your neck.
"you seem tired, baby." you reply, moving your fingers through his hair "want me to make you some tea maybe?"
"yeah, that'd be great. I'm just gonna go lay down on the bed for a bit. " he smiled tiredly, putting his backpack & shoes next to the door.
you went into the kitchen to get a kettle onto the stove. once it started boiling, you poured it into two small mugs for the both of you, added the tea bags & stirred in some honey. you left for the bedroom & came in to see Tae curled up, fast asleep on the bed. you sighed, a bit sad & put down the cups onto the night stand next to the bed & sat down besides him. you glanced at the clock on top of the night stand, 9:55 PM. makes sense he was tired, he left pretty early in the morning. however, you wanted to talk to him at least for a little bit more since it felt like the two of you hadn't had a conversation or even really cuddled in so long for his job was keeping him very occupied. sure you both texted back & forth while you could, but it just didn't feel the same as actually being there together. it wasn't too long before his comeback would be present, but then again, he'd be busy with promotions. a bit crestfallen, you slipped out of your clothes, went to get washed & had gotten into bed.
back to the present, you were thinking of how nice it was just to be close to him & know you could finally have a day where you could both just enjoy each other's company. you knew you wanted to do some extra special caring for him. knowing how he's been so hard at work was a sign he's in need of some extra special lovin'. you felt like you hadn't been able to tell him how much you loved & appreciated him, & now, you felt like you could finally do it. you snuggled up closer to him, gently put your hand onto his face & started caressing him. Taeyong 's nose scrunched & his eyes fluttered open.
"good morning bubu. " you said, continually stroking his cheek with the tips of your fingers. "sleep well?"
taeyong smiled & stretched a bit. "yeah, I feel well rested. how about you?"
"same same. I'm just glad you don't have to go anywhere today. I've missed being able to be with you. "
"I'm sorry I fell asleep so quickly last night y/n. I just wanted to lie down since I felt so drowsy but I dozed off like an idiot & didn't get to talk to you while I had the chance. I feel so bad since I feel I've been terrible at spending time with you & actually being a boyfriend. " he looked down glumly.
"no, baby, it's fine. it's understandable since you've been going pretty hard lately, & we have all day today so : )" you assured him pressing a small kiss on his forehead.
you smiled & held his cheeks between your hands & kissed his lips ever so gently. he kissed back, & you started to kiss back a little bit harder. before you knew it, things were starting to get really heated. you had slid your tongue over his lips as an ask to come in, & he happily let you in. that cute little bubblegum tongue of his sure knew how to get you riled up, cause damn, was he a good kisser. tongues playing harmoniously while softly panting. you broke out of the deep kissing to kiss his cheek & then started to leave kisses all along his sharp jawline. you climbed on top of him & worked your way down his neck, leaving a plush trail of kisses with him sighing softly. your hands trailed down his stomach & onto his forming hard on. starting to slowly stroke his covered bulge, you now moved your lips to his nipple, giving a few light licks, giving you great joy to hear the sweet little whimpers that were coming out of his mouth. you started to work faster with your tongue & hand. you lightly dragged your tongue down his abdomen & hooked your fingers around the waistband of his boxers & pulled them off. his cock sprung up & slapped against his stomach. the tip was sore & red, glistening with precum, which made you lick your lips in anticipation. slowly, you started to stroke it,from the base & squeezing a bit once you came to the top. you began to pick up the pace, taking in your boyfriend's pretty flushed face, begging you to touch him more.
"fuck tae, your body is like a wonderland. you're so beautiful. "
he started blushing at the compliments, hand slightly against his mouth , & that just made you want to do more. you stopped stroking his length & he whined at the lack of friction, trying to buck his hips in the air. however, you had a firm grip on his left thigh & wouldn't let him. you moved further down his body, until your head was in between his thighs. you started leaving kisses & bites all along his inner thighs. reaching to his dick, you placed a quick kiss on the tip & started giving a few kitten licks.
"fuck y/n,you're such a tease. " taeyong panted out.
"I'm just trying to savor every moment of this baby ♡" you said smirking since you knew what you were doing to him.
finally, you took him whole & he groaned out loud. bobbing your head up & down, his tip sometimes reaching the back of your throat, making you moan & send out vibrations, which made him moan right back . chest heaving & eliciting pretty moans , his back was slightly arched & his hips were pushed up a bit, but you made sure he was held put. he practically melted by your hands, & it was amazing to feel you had this much power over him. you could tell he was reaching his limit, & you got off of him with a *pop*. you were about to position himself into your entrance when he grabbed your wrist.
"no....not yet. I want you to feel good too. please, sit on my face. "
"ok, I'll let you since you've been a pretty good boy." you say as you crawl up onto him. you lower yourself slowly above his face & he holds your thighs in place. he takes one long lick across your slit, savoring it as if it tastes like candy & starts eating you out like he'll never be able to do it again.
"you're so pretty, y/n" he says against you, nose deep into you.
"ah fuck, & you're so good at this tae." you say tugging onto his hair, trying tohold back moans.
the way he eats you out is unbearably good. his tongue, gliding along your vulva , up & down & making circle motions on your clit gets you feeling so high. you felt yourself coming to a reach, & taeyong could see it & started to go even faster. your thighs started to shake in the euphoric feeling & you held his hair as he continued lapping up your juices until you told him to stop. finally, you got down off of his face & positioned yourself. you lowered yourself down onto his firm cock. "ohhh" taeyong let out a deep groan, relieved he was finally getting attention on him again. you stretched your torso across to pin his hands above his head & slowly started to move, your hips going perpendicular. moving your head towards him, you went back in for more kissing. tongues entangling & beads of sweat falling down in between your foreheads. having a tight grip on both his hands, you started going at a quicker pace, drawing out more moans from tae.
"oh my god. I'm close, y/n." taeyong moaned out against your lips with his hands starting to tremble.
"ok baby. you can cum." you replied, increasing the movements of your hips & pushing your lips into a deeper kiss with his. you felt his thighs starting to quiver & his hips bucked up deeper into yours, warm cum spilling out from inside you. you both rode it out together until you started to pant. not moving anymore,you were still on him with a bit of cum dripping out of your pussy, creaminess covering his cock. you rose up & got some tissues to clean the both of you. after that, you laid down next to him. him turning to meet your face & his chest still rising.
"it doesn't matter how long we've been together, you still manage somehow to make my heart race with every breath you take." taeyong said, a bashful little smile creeping onto his face.
"well, you never fail to make me smile at your sappy commentary." you giggled, running your hands through his messy hair. "you're pretty cute too."
"I can't believe I get to date someone as angelic as you." he said, snuggling his head into your chest, arms wrapping around your waist.
"ha, you make my heart flutter, really. I'm so lucky to have you. " you cuddled him back, hands on the back of his head, gently caressing him.
"love you, y/n"
"love you too, yongie" you replied smiling, savoring the intimacy of the moment.
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babymetaldoll · 3 years
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DIWK - Chapter four: "Hurt"
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Words count: 13,7K
The gif is mine ✨
Warnings: Hardcore Spencer trauma. Mention of drug abuse,  torture, Criminal Minds usual case triggers. Spoilers of Season 2 E14/15 Criminal Minds.
Summary: An unsub abducts Spencer, and reader blames JJ for it.
A/N: Have you ever wished you were there to save Spencer from Tobias Hankel? I know I have. I know reader wants to... I'm dying to know what you'll think of this chapter! Sorry if it's a little too graphic, writing Spencer's POV of this episode was really hard.
Series Masterlist
Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
(Y/N)'s point of view
I remember the day Emily Prentiss arrived. We had a case in Saint Louis. Two serial killers, 'cos it couldn't just be one asshole making everyone miserable. And on top of all, Hotch was confused and upset 'cos he never signed Emily's transfer to the BAU. It was like someone was trying to force her into the team, and we all thought it was weird.
We left the bullpen off to the case and left Prentiss in the office, not knowing if she actually got the job or not. I know Elle and I weren't incredibly close, but it still felt weird to think someone might join the team and try to replace her. It didn't work that way in that job. It didn't feel right at the moment.
There is something I also distinctly remember about that day: Gideon talked to me. And not only that, but he actually trusted my knowledge. We hadn't been on the best terms for a few months, so that approach meant a lot to me.
We were at the police station. Reid and I had been analyzing the letters one of the killers had sent to a journalist to find something that might help us catch him before there were any more victims. That's when JJ and Jason walked in, and he asked about our progress.
- "He only sent this to an individual, which shows he is not confident enough to initiate contact with the masses."- Spencer explained as he projected an image of the letter on the wall.
- "Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants, and you can see the shooter maintains vertical, narrow letter writing, and both are signs of repression"- I said and pointed at the image on the wall- "And the pressure, if you look closely, it's excessively heavy, which shows that he's uptight and can easily overreact."
Gideon looked at me and nodded. It was my cue to keep on talking. For once in a long time, I was feeling approved by him.
- "You got all that from his handwriting?"- JJ asked me, surprised. Reid looked at me from the other side of the room, and I could feel his smile reflecting how proud he was of me.
- "Graphology is an effective and reliable indicator of personality and behavior."
- "But my writing is always different,"- she added, and I nodded. I was waiting for that comment.
- "Yes, because it represents your emotions at the moment, just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling while you are speaking."
- "What else can we know about our unsub from this?"- Gideon asked me.
- "Well, our killer uses simple statements, all first person, like "I won't be ignored," which means he's obviously tired of feeling this way. He may have a job in solitude or one that he feels strips of his identity. His work might require him to wear a uniform, something that shows absolutely no individuality, or he may be overqualified for his menial job and feels that he doesn't get the respect that he necessarily deserves."
I made a pause and waited for his words. I was giving my best, and I swear I was still hoping I could ever get Jason Gideon's blessing.
- "I think we are ready to give a profile,"- he said and nodded.
And damn, that felt good.
When we were back in Quantico, Hotch had a long and clearly awkward conversation with the section chief, Erin Strauss. She was scary. She was clearly trying to get rid of Hotch, questioning his work daily, decisions, and how he managed the team. Why? I have no idea.
It felt she forced him to accept Prentiss into the team. We were one man down after Elle left. Ok, one awesome woman down, so we definitely needed some help. And Emily was a great addition from day one.
We clicked right away. Prentiss was funny, smart, but most of all, she constantly had to prove she deserved to be there. Just like me. Gideon gave her the cold shoulder from day one, and that I could relate. The only difference was that she won him over in a few days, though. I was still trying to win that battle.
Garcia decided we needed a girl's night, and she hosted the first of many "BAU Girl Power get together." Basically, it was us at Penelope's place drinking and talking.
That first night, we updated Prentiss with everything that had happened with Elle. She wanted to know everything about us, what we did, how long we've been on the team, and how we all got along. It was sweet and fresh. After that year in the BAU, I had already learned to enjoy the sweet things in life. Like getting drunk with my work girlfriends.
- "So, does Hotch ever smile?"- Emily asked, and we all laughed at the very same time. Yes, it was getting late, and we weren't as sober as we should have been.
- "He does! he does!"- JJ assured us- "You should see him with his baby."
- "He is a dad?"- Emily was shocked. I was surprised too when I found out Aaron was married and with a baby. The amount of time he spends at work always made me feel he had zero personal life.
- "And has a beautiful wife"- JJ added- "He is always laughing when he is with her and baby Jack."
- "I guess this job can drain the happiness from your day... "- I thought out loud, but before anyone could say anything about my dark and bitter comment, my cell phone rang.
- "Hey honey bunny, everything ok?"- I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I didn't want to interrupt the girl's conversations.
- "Yes, I just wanted to make sure you were drinking enough water between drinks"- I laughed and shook my head. Only Reid could call to say such a thing. He was the sweetest friend on earth.
- "Yes, I am, don't worry. I'm not going to be hungover or drunk tomorrow. I know you are excited about the new exposition."
- "You are gonna love it!"
- "I am sure I will"- and I wasn't kidding. I loved when he dragged me to the Smithsonian or any museum for some nerdy fun.
- "Have fun with the girls."
- "What are you doing, by the way?"
- "Just reading a little, you left your complete Sherlock Holmes collection here, so I'll be solving mysteries while you get drunk."
- "Don't have too much fun without me"- he chuckled and ended the call. I smiled and walked back to the girls looking at me with a funny grin on their faces.
- "Was that your boyfriend?"- Penelope asked me, and I frowned right away.
- "No, it was Reid. He just wanted to confirm we are going to the museum tomorrow."
- "Wait"- Prentiss narrowed her brows and looked at us confused- "Reid ain't your boyfriend?"
JJ and Garcia's laughter was epical, as well as my frown. They nearly gasped for air while Prentiss and I waited until they calmed down.
- "No"- I finally answered- "Reid is not my boyfriend."
- "He is more than that; he is her work husband,"- Penelope clarified, and I turned to her with my mouth wide open, shocked.
- "What the fuck? Reid ain't my work husband. He is my best friend!!"
- "Yes, and you happen to call your best friend "honey bunny," right?"- JJ questioned, just like she had a few months before when we were alone in our room away on a case.
- "Reid is my best friend, and yes, I call all my close friends by weird pet names. You will get one too if you are lucky."
- "But I thought"- Emily continued- "I mean, he looks at you like you are his sun."
- "No, Prentiss, the only coupe in this team is the one between "chocolate thunder" and "baby girl" right here"- I pointed at Garcia, and she just blushed and covered her face.
- "My love for Derek will burn forever with the intensity of a thousand suns. I mean, have you seen that man? he was made by the gods and sent to earth just to give my existence some sense"- we all laughed at those cheesy words, though Pen was serious about them.
- "But, have you ever...?- JJ looked at her and made a pause. We were all looking at every single facial movement or behavior she might show to read her body language."
- "My relationship with my loverman could never be tainted by something as mundane as sex."
- "Like you wouldn't lick honey from that six-pack and ride that thunder."
The words just left my lips, and I blame the buzz. BAU (Y/N) would have never said that. Drunk (Y/N) would, totally.
The girls laughed until tears fell from their eyes, and I just chuckled, honestly happy to make them laugh. I had been more of the real me than I had ever actually been around them in nearly a year.
- "Hello?"- my phone rang again when I was walking out of the bathroom. And this time, it was Paul.
- "Hey babe, what are you doing?"
- "Hey, I'm..."- I looked at the girls in front of me and sighed- "I'm stuck with paperwork"- and they turned to me immediately. I could read the "What the fuck" on their faces.
- "Well, I'm at Rob's in case you feel like dropping by. We are writing a few songs."
- "I'll text you if I finish with this early, but... have fun."
- "Ok, bye"- I hung up and sighed.
- "And that was..."- Prentiss asked, frowning.
- "My boyfriend,"- I explained and grabbed another beer
- "Sure, I could feel the passion,"- Garcia joked, but I just didn't think it was funny.
I knew my relationship with Paul wasn't alright. Actually, things with Paul weren't. Period. We were done, it was apparent, but still, neither of us had said it. That relationship was just a few phone calls every once in a while, only to make small talks. When we were together, we would just watch a movie, eat something, drink a few beers, and that was it. It had been a long time since we had sex or even made out. I don't know why I didn't end it sooner. I guess I was just afraid to do it.
But I let more months pass before I actually did something.
Spencer's point of view
I'm not proud of what happened that year after Prentiss joined the team. I think that year changed me profoundly, and a part of me never fully recovered afterward.
Maybe it had to be that way, and it was something I had to go through to grow up. I guess I'm still trying to make some sense of all the misery I put my friends through. Mostly (Y/N). She was in hell with me.
A few weeks after New Year, we started working on a case. Someone was killing wealthy people in their own homes. At first, we thought there were two unsubs, 'cos one of them called 911 after killing, and you could hear them struggling and arguing. But no, it was just one.
Tobias Hankel was a delusional serial killer. He had split personalities, not two but actually three. His father, the one who tortured me. The archangel Raphael, who was trying to make God's will, killing people. And himself, who wanted to save me, but instead, he nearly destroyed me.
What do I remember about the day he kidnapped me? I remember I was stupid enough to try to catch an unsub alone, just to prove I could take care of myself on the field. Hotch sent me and JJ to talk to Hankel at his house, 'cos apparently, he might have seen the unsub months earlier. But no, he was the unsub, and neither JJ nor me could stop him.
We hid in a barn, and I was so eager to prove I could catch him; I told JJ we had to split up to cover the place. I was counting on Hotch to get there with the team sooner than they did, and before I realized it, I was in the middle of a cornfield, and Hankel was pointing at me with my own gun.
I was sure I was going to die right there. All of Hankel's personalities were struggling inside of him. I couldn't stop thinking about why I thought I could do it on my own? Why had I been a reckless asshole? Was it because I wanted to prove I was an excellent SAA? Because I wanted to impress JJ? Maybe I tried to convince myself I could do the same job my team did. I knew I wasn't the most physical person, but I had a gun. I had been trained to capture killers.
Yes, I was an asshole that day, and I've regretted everything that happened that night many, many times in the following years.
When I woke up, I was tied to a chair, and the archangel Raphael had taken Hankel's mind completely. The room was dark, and it smelled awful. He was burning fish hearts and livers, 'cos he believed it kept the devil away.
I was confused and lost. My head was spinning, and my heart was about to burst into my chest. I knew I could die any second now. Raphael wasn't the one to show mercy. That's what I had learned from all the videos Hankel had uploaded to the web. He had shared with the world every murder they had committed to show the other sinners what was going to happen to them.
- "They believe you can see inside men's minds"- Raphael looked at me with dark eyes, implying he meant Tobias and his father
- "It's not true. I study human behavior."- my voice was shaking. I knew I had never been more scared in my entire life. He took out a gun and showed me one bullet.
- "Do you know what this is? It's God's will."
Things didn't look good for me. He put it in the cylinder of the revolver and spun it. He was going to let my life to luck.
- "You don't have to do this"- I tried to talk him out of it, though I knew it wasn't going to work.
- "No go, sinners, to your God."
And he pressed the trigger.
What went through my mind the seconds that passed between having the gun pointed to my face and realizing I had lived? My mom. All I could think of was how my mom would react to the news of my death. I could never bear to hurt her like that. I couldn't die. I couldn't leave her alone.
I sighed, relieved, and bit my lips not to cry. Raphael looked at me with a blank expression and walked out of the room. I had survived for now.
I struggled with my handcuff, but it was useless. My head was killing me. I could feel the open wound on my head, still dripping blood on my temple and head. I tried to focus on the pain for a few minutes, just to make sure I was awake. It was a nightmare, and keeping myself sane and conscious under those circumstances was nearly impossible.
How was I going to get out of there alive? Did the team know where I was? I had no idea where I had been taken. I had been unconscious the whole way. It was dark, and I couldn't see much around me. I wasn't afraid of that darkness. I was more fearful of the man that left me alone, 'cos he was armed and mentally unstable. Darkness had nothing on him.
I had to focus on the things that kept me sane. The things that made me want to get out of that room alive.
- "My name is Spencer Walter Reid. I'm twenty-five years old, my mother's name is Diana Reid, I was born in Las Vegas, October 28th, 1981."
I closed my eyes and tried to think of all the things that made me happy.
- "I work at the BAU, my best friend's name is (Y/N), and she sits at the desk in front of me. Derek Morgan is the closest I've got to an older brother."
He was. He still is. You have to be close to dead to start seeing things clearly sometimes. Derek was my brother. He treated me like a kid, but a kid brother. He was always teasing me, trying to teach me how to pick up girls, trying to drag me to the gym with him. Derek was a good friend, we were very different, and I knew if we had been classmates in high school, we would probably never have talked. He was a jock, and I was a nerd. But life had brought us together. And now I couldn't think of a better friend than him.
I tried to focus on my happiest memories. My birthday came to mind. The guys had planned a Halloween-themed birthday party at the conference room of the BAU. Of course, Garcia baked a cake and (Y/N) helped her decorate it. It was incredible, 'cos it was covered with tiny gourds and skulls.
- "Frank and Mikey sent you these,"- she announced after everybody had given me their presents. I wide opened my eyes in shock 'cos I had no idea her friends knew it was my birthday or even cared about it.
- "Why?"- I had to ask.
- "'Cos they think you are amazing. They actually wanted to come over to your house and have a few beers tonight."- I opened my mouth to say something, but Derek interrupted me.
- "Pretty boy is gonna get to work hungover again."
- "Shut up"- (Y/N) and I said at the same time, making everybody chuckle. I opened the present her friends had sent me and laughed right away.
- "Lucky Doc"- I read and took out of the bag a Sports Illustrated issue with Lila Archer on the cover. My cheeks turned red immediately.
- "Frank still hasn't overcome that story. I think he will hate you forever"- (Y/N) laughed (along with the rest of the team) and gave me another present.
- "They also sent you this. They said you were going to like the man in black"- it was a Johnny Cash's vinyl- "Frank picked it. He thinks he is some sort of musical psychic that can read people's taste in music."
- "We should get together and have a few beers one of these days. I need to thank them for these."
Gideon looked at me in silence as soon as I said those words. But I didn't care if he disapproved. I was going to be (Y/N)'s friend, whether he liked it or not.
He is the closest I've had to a dad in the latest years. He cares about me, and he tries to make the best of me that he can. Yes, he can be too apprehensive. I think that's a way to put it. But only because he wants me to be the best profiler I can be.
I never thought I would end up working at the BAU. I never thought I would love the job I do as much as I do. Back when I was in college, I thought I would dedicate my life to finding a cure for schizophrenia, but I ended up hunting serial killers across the country.
And though I was about to die, I didn't regret any of the decisions that led me there.
The morning found me shaking, cold, and scared. I was in a small cabin in the woods. Just like the worst and more cliché horror movie ever made. This was my own horror movie.
- "What are you staring at, boy?"- Tobias opened the front door carrying logs for the fire. His voice had changed yet again, so I knew it wasn't the same person I had talked to the night before.
- "You are not Raphael."- I whispered, looking at every movement he did.
- "Do I look like Raphael?"- had I insulted him? I couldn't tell. He turned to the fire, and I took a deep breath, doing my best to stay calm.
- "Thank you for burning those, for keeping us safe."- I said, looking at the fish hearts and livers he was preparing to put on the fire.
- "Don't try to trick me."
- "I would never try to trick you."
- "You are a liar."
- I'm not a liar."- it was hard to stay calm and not start screaming for help or mercy, but I knew that was going to take me nowhere with him.
- "Lying is a sin."
- "I'm not a liar."- he walked closer to me, and sat right in front of me, held my leg up, and grabbed my foot.
- "This will be over quickly if you just confess your sins."
- "I am not a sinner"- I whispered again. He took off my shoe.
- "We are all sinners."- it didn't look good for me, not at all, and I knew I had to talk to him with his words with his beliefs to save my life.
- "The Lord spake unto Moses saying "Speak unto all the congregation of the children of the lord" and say unto them, ye shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy."
Hankel, this time in the personality of his father, looked at me surprised. I might have done something right, 'cos he stopped moving, and for a second, I thought it was going to be ok.
- "You know Leviticus."
- "I know every word of the bible. I can recite it for you."- but his eyes turned dark again.
- "The devil knows how to read too."
- "I'm not a devil, I'm not a devil2- I repeated, and couldn't stop shaking, 'cos my life on the hands of a sociopath.
- "I'm a man, my name is Spencer Reid, and I have a mother, and I have a father just like you, and they taught me the bible, let me recite the bible."
My voice cracked at the knowledge of what he was going to do. He stood up, still holding my foot. He was going to torture me, he was going to try to break me, and I had to be strong. I didn't know how I would find the strength, but I had to be strong.
- "Time to confess, Spencer Reid"- and without further notice, he slapped a log against my foot, making me scream in pain. It hurt from the tip of my toes until the back of my skull. I hadn't felt that kind of pain, and it was worse knowing he was just getting started. Tears started falling down my cheeks in no time.
- "Confess!"
- "I don't have anything to confess."- I whimpered and closed my eyes, 'cos I knew he was going to continue his torture. And so he did. The pain was excruciating. I was sure I was going to pass out
I tried to go to a happy place in my head, somewhere when I could hide from all that pain. It was too hard, though. It hurt too much. I kept repeating over and over again I wasn't a sinner, begging Hankel for mercy, as he shouted I had to confess.
I made an effort to think about what he might want me to say. What did he want me to confess? Which sins was he talking about? But nothing came to my mind, nothing but the pain and the fear of dying.
(Y/N)'s point of view
The second we reached Hankel's cabin, I started looking for Spencer. I had a horrible feeling about it. Morgan and I headed it to a barn with Prentiss. There was no sign of anyone. It was dark and quiet. Never a good sign.
- "Shit!"- I whispered, staring at three dead dogs and a bath of blood in front of me. There laid the body of another victim that was missing from Hankel's last attack.
- "FBI!!"- JJ shouted suddenly. She was pointing his gun to us, clearly in shock- "Don't move!!"
- "JJ, it's Morgan, (Y/L/N), and Prentiss! Don't shoot"- Derek tried to calm her down, walking towards her- "Are you hurt?"- she lowered the gun and stared at us. You could read the fear and the trauma in her eyes.
- "Tobias Hankel is the unsub,"- she whispered as Prentiss rubbed her arm sweetly, trying to comfort her.
- "Yeah, we know"- I moved towards her too and put my gun back into the holster.
- "And we thought he was just a witness"- we looked around, and JJ pointed at the dead dogs.
- "JJ, where is Reid?"- Derek asked her, but she just continued talking.
- "They completely tore her apart"
- "JJ, look at me,"- I said and held her arm carefully- "Look at me, where's Reid?"- she was shaking, and her voice was cracking. I knew she was making her best effort to pull herself together.
- "We split up. He said he was going to go in the back."
And there it was. That was the reason why I had a bad feeling all along. Derek looked at me and nodded as we read each other's minds. The two of us turned around and ran outside, leaving JJ with Prentiss, waiting for the medical team and ambulance to check on her wounds.
Gideon and Hotch were inside the cabin, looking for Hankel, but there was no one there. And there was no sign of Reid behind the barn either, in the cornfield, or anywhere in the perimeter. Reid was nowhere to be found, and I started losing it little by little. I tried to repeat myself the words Hotch had said many times during my year in the BAU: "when you are out there with the team; your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case." But the case had never included my best friend missing before.
- "Hey, is there any sign of him yet?- I asked the police chief as I reached the ambulance. He was there talking with JJ, making sure she was ok.
- "We got every one of our units on the road. He won't make it far"- I nodded and watched him walk away. I knew he thought I was talking about Hankel, but I actually meant Reid.
I turned to JJ and moved a little closer to her. Her eyes open wide, staring back at me.
- "You can't find Reid?"- I just shook my head and tried to sound as casual as I could, not to freak her out. She was still in shock. I didn't want to make it worse.
- "Not yet"
- "(Y/N)"- Derek held my arm and forced me to walk away from the ambulance.- "Reid followed him into the cornfield. It looks like somebody got dragged."
My heart stopped. Did the psychopath hurt Spencer? Did he kill him? Did he torture him? Was he hurt? Was he alive? Where was he? Derek looked at me, and I nodded. I bit my lips and took a deep breath. Hotch's words were my mantra now: "your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case."
- "Are you sure?"- we turned to the police's chief, overhearing his conversation- "We are on our way now."
- "What's going on?"
- "The sheriff down two towns over, he just gave directions to a man who fit Hankel's descriptions. It's to a motor lodge in fort bend."
- "Let's get Hotch and Gideon"- Derek held my arm and walked with me to the cabin. We had to find Reid, and we had to do it fast.
That was the worst night of my life. The first worst night of my life, to be sincere. I didn't close an eye. I went through every paper, every note, every detail in that cabin, trying to find a clue that could lead us to where Tobias had taken Reid.
I felt someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I had to think straight, and to do it, I had to keep a cold head. But as the hours passed, it became a more demanding and more challenging task to complete. I knew the whole team was suffering, but that didn't ease my pain. And I knew JJ felt guilty, but that didn't stop me from blaming her in my mind. She left him alone. I would have never left Spencer alone on the field.
- "(Y/N), you should try to get some rest."
Derek whispered as he sat on the floor next to me, where I had been sitting for the last half hour, reading Tobias's old diaries. Nothing but fear of his father, mentions of Dilaudid use, and bible transcriptions.
- "I'm ok,"- I answered and didn't even take my eyes from the pages.
- "(Y/N), I mean it"
- "I'm not going to rest if he is out there in the hands of a psychopath, Derek"- I had to bite my lips and shut the fuck up, 'cos if I said one more word, I knew I was going to burst into tears.
Morgan just wrapped an arm around my shoulders and moved me closer to him. That was the first time I let him hug me, and it felt good to know I wasn't alone in my desperation. I knew he loved Reid like a brother, and neither of us was going to stop until we found him.
- "Welcome to our nightmare"- JJ's voice broke the silence we had been into for the last hour when Hotch walked into the cabin with Penelope.
It was morning already. There were still no signs of Reid. Prentiss, Gideon, JJ, and I had been sitting at the table, reading everything we could.
- "His computer is an extension of his brain. I need you to dissect it,"- Gideon whispered to García. You could feel the concern in his voice. She just nodded in shock and turned to Derek, who held her hand and helped her get set up in the computer room.
- "So, nothing new since I left?"- Hotch asked and looked at us. I just shook my head and continued reading.
- "Well, the good thing is the guy documented practically every second of his life"- Prentiss words took me from the pages I was reading. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. The concept of "good" was poorly used in that phrase.
- "The bad news is, we are still un-piling,"- she added and sighed.
- "From the looks of it, he hasn't left this place in years,"- JJ managed to say. She made her best effort to be useful, but she was in worse shape than everybody else. Yet, that didn't make me feel bad for her. I was mad at her and kept making my best to put it aside, 'cos my head had to be in the case.
- "He knew he could pretend to be looking for a motel and throw us off his trail,"- Emily inferred, but I shook my head as soon as I heard her.
- "No, no, no, it's more than that!"- I shook my head and took a deep breath- "Sheriff's office, 911 calls, every time he engages the police and gets away with it... he reassures himself, God's on his side. Not ours."- I added.
Gideon nodded, and we shared a moment of agreement. He was as worried as I was. I could feel it. I'm not saying the rest of the team wasn't, I'm saying Jason was as fucked up as I was, and I could sense he was having the same trouble I had making sure my head and not my sentiments were into the case.
But if anything happened to Reid, I didn't know what I was capable of doing.
At a certain point, I got sick of reading and not doing anything and decided to look around the house again if we had missed anything. Derek went along. One part of me felt he wanted to stay away from JJ too. Maybe he was as mad as I was about her leaving Reid alone. I know I couldn't blame her, but I did it anyway.
- "Guys!! I think I've got something!"- Derek yelled, and I ran over. He opened a door that led to a basement. I walked right behind him, pointing my gun and my flashlight all over. But there was no sign of Reid.
- "Tobias Hankel!!"- Morgan shouted. Someone was sitting in what looked to be a gigantic freezer- "Tobias!"- but we didn't get any response. I took a step closer and examined carefully.
- "Morgan, I think we just found Hankel's father."
Spencer's point of view
On my second night in that cabin, I met Tobias. The third personality of Hankel walked into the room, carrying what seemed to be a dead deer. He looked as frightened as I was.
- "You need to eat."
- "What's your name?"
- "Tobias."
- "Tobias, who was here before?"
- "Probably my father."
He looked at me up and down, and he immediately understood what he had done to me. It was scary how he could dissociate. Someone with multiple personality disorder is usually unaware of the other personality states and memories when an alter is dominant. In this case, Tobias knew the other personalities but considered them different persons. He didn't think they were all in his head.
- "I'm sorry if he hurt you."
He looked at me like he understood everything I had been going through. Maybe he had been through something similar when his father was alive. Perhaps he had been a victim of Hankel as well, and that's what triggered his psychopathic nature.
He walked over and took out his belt.
- "What are you doing?"- he wrapped it around my arm, and I started begging him to stop.
- "It helps"- he took out of his pocket a needle and a small bottle of what seemed to be some kind of drug.
- "Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they are here."
- "Please, I don't want it, I don't want it, please"- I cried and begged.
- "It helps. I know"- it was the last thing Tobias said before the needle found my vein.
And he was right. It helped. Every single amount of pain I was feeling disappeared. My brain shut down. Somehow, everything was ok. I never had in my entire life felt so good before.
My mind kept flashing memories of when I was a kid. I kept seeing images of the day my father left and how he called my mother crazy.
- "You are weak"- mom spit those words after he refused to take me with him. I know she said it not because she didn't want me with her, but because mom knew she was sick and wanted the best for me. And he refused.
- "I'm not weak."- I whispered as I looked at her smiling back at me.
- "I know, honey."
I don't know how long I was drugged, but when I woke up, Tobias wasn't there with me anymore. It was his father.
And the torture continued.
(Y/N)'s point of view
Gideon was trying to convince me to go out with Prentiss and JJ to see a Narcotics anonymous's contact that might give us more information about Tobias. Emily had found some flyers about it in his room, and it could be the only lead we had to find him and Reid.
- "You need to get out of this house for a while"- he whispered and tapped on my back.
I knew he wasn't the one to be loving or physical with people, less with me. But that moved me. I turned to him and my eyes watered up. I was scared, and I couldn't hide it anymore. The more hours passed, the fewer the chances were to find Spencer safe. Alive.
I felt his arms around me suddenly, holding me tight, trying to keep the pieces of me together. We were alone on the porch, and though I didn't want to fall apart, I couldn't hold it anymore.
Jason didn't say a word. He just hugged me and let me cry for a few minutes. I didn't say anything either. I actually couldn't because I was overwhelmed with everything.
- "Are you ready, (Y/N)?"
Prentiss whispered as she walked over with JJ. I turned my back at them for a second to hide the tears that kept falling down my cheeks. I knew it was a shitty thing to do, 'cos it was obvious I had been sobbing, but they gave me the courtesy of not saying anything.
- "You go, I need (Y/N)'s assistance with some diary entries"- the two of them walked away quietly, and thankfully, didn't argue with Gideon.
- "Thank you,"- I whispered and felt his hand on my shoulder one more time.
- "You are doing a fantastic job,"- he said and turned around.
I wish I could tell you that made me feel better, but instead, I just thought I had the duty to bring my friend back home safe.
It had been at least an hour since the girls left. Morgan, Hotch, Gideon, and the police chief were in the living room with me, reading. I sipped my hundredth cup of coffee and re-read the same diary entry for the third time.
- "There's something weird going on here."- I thought out loud and walked towards Gideon
- "You think?"- the police chief turned to me and raised an eyebrow, ironically.
- "No, seriously, check this out. This journal is filled with religious ramblings. He notated hour by hour: "November 15th, 3:17, if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offering unto the Lord, ye shall offer it at your own will", and it goes on and on: 5:04, 7:41, 10:22, 1:42."
I made a short pause and looked at Gideon and Hotch. They didn't get where I was going.
- "But then, it goes blank for days."
- "Maybe he got sick of writing"- I seriously hated that police chief.
- "I think I got it"- Hotch whispered- "Journal entry: "December 6th. Father is sick. He wants me to put him down. I say thou shalt not kill. He said, honor thy father. Must pray for guidance."
- "So he kills his father as an act of mercy?"- Gideon asked, knowing the answer.
- "This is two months ago. Tobias Hankel's father had been dead for four months already."
- "That's exactly it"- I murmured, thinking Tobias Hankel was way more fucked up than we thought.
- "Look at the floor"- Derek pointed at a chair and moved it- "These scuffs marks are fresh. It's like two people were pushing the chairs constantly, trying to fight for control."
- "So?"- I swear to God, that chief was driving me insane.
- "This journal matches Charles Hankel's handwriting, but it was written after he died"- I explained. Still, it felt he wasn't following me.
- "What do you mean?"
- "Upstairs, Tobias' bedroom got junk piled from floor to ceiling, but the other bedroom could pass a military inspection."
- "So, are you telling me one of Tobias' personalities was his father?"
Apparently, I had to draw a picture so the chief would get it. Fortunately, Gideon continued explaining the whole problem before I lost what was left of my patience.
- "Well, Tobias was raised with a strict religious code, black and white, right and wrong. When his father asked Tobias to kill him, something had to give."
- "His brain couldn't handle the moral contradiction, so he split into two personalities to keep his father alive."
Hotch tried to put it most easy and simple words possible.
- "So, who is Raphael?"
- "My guess, he is a mediator between the two"- Gideon nodded at my words and sighed.
- "Angels have no human emotions, live or die. They don't care, as long it's God's will."
- "We need to start profiling Tobias' father. He may be the one who chose where to take Reid."
Finally, I felt we were going somewhere.
When Emily and JJ came back, they gave us the news. Tobias was addicted to Dilaudid, which explained the fracture in his mind, and how he lived with three distinct personalities.
The police chief announced a computer store robbery, giving us some hopes that Tobias would use them to track him down.
- "Guys!! Guys!! get in here!!- I heard Derek shouting and I ran to the computer room. I felt sick in the stomach in less than a second. There he was, Spencer. My Spencer Walter Reid, tied to a chair, bleeding, shoeless. Clearly tortured.
- "He's been beating,"- I whispered, feeling my eyes water up. I would have given anything to be there instead of him.
- "Can you track him?!"- JJ yelled by my side, and I nearly smacked her. That's how sensitive I was feeling.
- "Hankel's only streaming this to his home computer."- Garcia whispered. And my heart dropped with those words.
That wasn't what I was supposed to hear. We were supposed to find him and bring him back safe.
- "This is for us"- Gideon didn't take his eyes from the screen- "He knows we are here."
- "I'm gonna put this guy's head on a stick"- Morgan was so mad I believed him. I wanted to do the same, if worse.
- "I'm gonna kill him myself as soon as we find him,"- I said and felt Aaron's hand on my shoulder as he asked Garcia
- "Why can't you locate him?"
- "He's rerouting to a different IP address every 30 seconds. I can't track him."
It knew it had to be hard if Penelope couldn't find her, but that didn't help. If anything, it made everything worse. I felt powerless. Hankel couldn't be more intelligent than us.
Spencer's point of view
- "Are you ready, boy?"- Hankel pulled my hair and forced me to look at him. I was still as high as fuck, but knew I was about to be tortured again.
- "Ready for what?"
- "My weakling son thinks God gave you to him for a reason"- if the reason was to get me into drugs, then the answer was yes.
Hankel placed a video camera in front of me.
- "Can you really see inside men's minds?"- he asked me and made a pause, pointing to three screens- See these vermin?
It took me a second to realize he was showing me images of real people. He had put cameras in those people's houses. How? When? What kind of sick game did he want me to play with him?
- "Choose one to die. I let you choose one to live."
- "No"- I didn't even think about my answer.
- "I thought you wanted to be some kind of savior."
- "You are a sadist and a psychotic break. You won't stop killing. Your word is not true."
I don't know if it was because of the drugs or because I hadn't eaten or drank any water in too long, but I was somehow resigned and tired of fighting.
- "The other heathens are watching- Hankel announced and pointed at the camera in front of me."
My eyes fixated on the camera right away. My team was watching me. (Y/N) was watching me. I didn't want to make her worry even more. I needed her to know I was ok. I know I wasn't, but I didn't want her to worry about me.
- "Choose a sinner to die, and I'll say the name and address of the person to be saved"- Hankel was sick. It was all a game, and religion was just an excuse to kill.
- "I won't get to choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher."
Hankel didn't like my answer, 'cos he grabbed me and pulled me up, looking into my eyes, insulted, annoyed, losing his temper.
- "Can you really see into my mind, boy?"
He was honestly scary, and it petrified me to think he could execute me right there, in front of the team, and I could never tell them how much they mean.
- "Can you see I'm not a liar?!"- he insisted. I nearly whimpered but made my best not to break- "Choose one to die and save a life. Otherwise, they are all dead."
He dropped me on the chair and turned around. It was clear he wasn't joking. I took a deep breath and nodded.
- "Alright, I'll choose who lives."
- "They are all the same"
My eyes traveled across all the monitors. It was nearly impossible to pick one person to live, knowing all the other people there would die. Hankel was sick, and I had to set a plan to escape because otherwise, I would end up dead.
- "Far right screen,"- I whispered. He turned around and nodded.
Then, he recited the name and address of the woman on the screen. I prayed for the team to find her before Hankel came after her too.
No. It wasn't Hankel this time.
- "Raphael,"- I whispered, and he nodded. I looked at the screen again. The woman we were watching picked up the phone. She was in her kitchen. He walked around, frowned, and turned to her computer. In a second, she had turned it off. My team had reached her. She was safe, I hoped.
Hankel turned the camera off and looked at me.
- "You've done your part. Now it's my turn."
I knew what that meant. It wasn't good.
He left the cabin, and all I could see were the monitors in front of me. Those people were going to die. They were going to die because I didn't pick them. I killed them. You don't need to pull a trigger to kill someone. I could never forget those words. And this time, they meant more than anytime before. I didn't press a trigger, but I had killed two innocent people. And I actually had to watch them die.
When I saw Rapahel walk into the victims' house, I tried to close my eyes and think of anything else. A part of me kept thinking he wasn't going to kill them. He just wanted to threaten me.
But not. Raphael slaughtered them.
I found myself craving whatever it was that Tobias had given me the night before. The drug in my veins had given me a kind of peace I had never felt. And I never thought I'd have either. The type of peace that can be addictive, 'cos it turns your head off. And God knows, sometimes I needed to turn my head off.
Remembering everything that has ever happened to me, especially all the awful things, wasn't a gift. It was a burden. And whatever it was that Tobias had put in my veins, it had taken that burden from my shoulders, at least for a couple of hours.
Who wouldn't want some more of that peace?
- "Reid!"- Gideon's voice took me from my thoughts. He was sitting right in front of the camera in the victim's house. He was there with Hotch and the police, investigating the crime scene.
- "If you are watching this, you are not responsible for this. You understand me? he is perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He can not break you."
I know he meant it. But I couldn't believe any of that, not after watching a family get slaughter just because I didn't pick them.
(Y/N)'s point of view
- "I thought you were going to try and get some rest,"- I said as JJ walked to me in silence. I made myself my hundredth cup of coffee, and she just showed up next to me, trying to engage in conversation, I guess.
- "Everybody else is working. I should be too."
- "We can handle it,"- I whispered and refused to look at her. I swear I was trying not to hate her, but it was getting harder and harder with every hour that passed without finding Reid.
- "It's funny, I keep thinking the one thing we need to crack this case is... well... Reid"- she chuckled, nervously and I just looked at her and nodded. I didn't even smile. I didn't move a muscle.
I didn't want to be with her, or anyone, as a matter of fact. And I wasn't going to hide it anymore. So I tried to walk away.
- "You think Reid and I should have stayed together at the barn, don't you?"
I stopped walking and looked at her. You could tell she was having a hard time facing the whole situation, and most of all, you could tell she felt guilty.
That really didn't stop me from being mad at her. I was trying to be the better woman during the investigation, but the uncertainty was getting on my nerves.
- "JJ, go get some rest,"- I tried to answer calmly, but I knew I was looking at her like she was dead to me.
- "I can tell that's what you are thinking, so..."
- "I just wanna get Spencer home safe."
- "But... if I had his back like I was supposed to do, he'd be here now"- and that was enough.
- "JJ, what the fuck do you want from me?"
- "I just...."- she was about to cry, you could tell- "I want someone to tell me the truth."
- "You want the truth? Ok, there you go: I would have never left him alone. None of this would have happened if I had been the one with him out there! 'cos I would never let anyone or anything hurt him!!"
I shouted. All the anger I had been feeling those days was finally getting off my chest. And fuck, it felt good.
- "You fucked it up, JJ, and if something happens to Spencer, I am never going to forgive you, never!"
JJ bit her lips, trying her best not to cry. But I still couldn't feel sorry for her.
- "Is that the truth you were looking for?"
- "(Y/L/N)?"- Hotch stood next to me with the most annoyed look in his eyes.
I knew I was out of line, but this wasn't about work anymore. This was personal. This was Reid we were talking about, and JJ had fucked it up. There was nothing to discuss.
- "What? You sent him with her, now she is here, and he isn't. What else is there to say?"
- "(Y/N)!"- Hotch followed me as I stormed out of the kitchen and out of the cabin- "(Y/N)! stop!"
- "What?!"- and I simply snapped- "Are you gonna suspend me for telling her the truth? Are you going to fire me for losing my shit while working a case!? Fine! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! All I care about right now is that my best friend is missing, and a fucking psychopath has him! That's all I can think of. That's all I've been thinking about for the last two days!"
I was yelling at Hotch. I was yelling at my unit chief. I was fucked. I knew he was going to fire me after that. But I couldn't help it. I was going insane. Tears kept falling from my eyes as I held my cup of coffee tight, holding onto it with my life.
- "(Y/N), we are all worried about Reid."
- "I know you are all worried. I am too, and I'm also afraid and mad and going fucking insane knowing I am standing here not knowing what to do to save him."
- "That doesn't give you the right to treat JJ like this is her fault"- I don't know if he was talking like my unit chief or like a father figure trying to end a fight between two of his kids.
- "Did she stay with Reid?"- I simply replied and looked at Hotch in the eyes- "Did she?"
- "She is not the only one who feels guilty, so do I. And I know I won't forgive myself if anything happens to Reid."
Hotch made a pause and tried to find a way to say what he wanted to say. The door opened, and Gideon walked to us. He knew what was going on, and he didn't say a thing. I was sure he had already heard everything. We weren't actually arguing quietly.
- "We are not getting any closer,"- Aaron finally said.
- "Reid is brilliant. He'll figure out how to survive"- Gideon's words were way more hopeful than my thoughts. In my mind, Reid was too scared to think of a way to escape.
- "You know, I always take advantage of Reid for his brain. But I never actually teach him how to deal with things emotionally."
Hotch whispered, and his words were filled with regret. I was filled with anger and anxiety, and I know the two of them felt the same. But they way better at handling their feelings.
- "Lead by example,"- Jason answered, probably trying to make him feel better.
- "What kind of example is that?"- I simply replied, and both of them stayed in silence.
I don't think my words helped Hotch, but I wasn't trying to do that either. I was just honest. And Hotch's emotional assistance was shit on the field. Even Gideon was better.
- "He'll make it,"- Jason reassured us and nodded- "Now stop arguing and go back to work."
Spencer's point of view
I was glad when Tobias came to me that night with a needle in his hand and put the drug into my vein. I needed some release after watching a family die 'cos I didn't save them.
- "I'm sorry I had to leave"- he excused himself, preparing the drug next to me.
- "You can leave again, and you can take me with you,"- I begged in a soft voice.
- "My father would be angry,"- he replied and didn't even look at me. This time, I didn't even argue when he wrapped the belt around my arm. I was even a little eager he'd do it faster.
- "Not if he can't find us."
- "He always finds me."
- "If you tell me where we are, my friends will come, and they'll save us."
He gave me a look, mixed with horror and resignation. It broke my heart to think for a moment of all the horrors that lead Tobias to be as sick as he was.
- "We can't be saved,"- he simply replied.
- "We can, we can, I promise. If you tell me where we are, I'll save us both."
- "Listen to me. It's not worth fighting."
Somehow, I understood why he said that. I was afraid and shaking but still did my best not to think of all the pain I was in, of the terror that haunted me day and night.
- "Tell me it doesn't make it better- he said and showed me the needle."
I couldn't say no, 'cos he was right. It did. The drugs made his horrible situation bearable. I could understand why someone decided to use something to avoid the pain. I had faced all and each one of the pain and horrors in my life sober. It was time life was a little bit sweeter, in a sick way.
I remembered being twelve. Mom had had one of her episodes the day before, she was in bed, and I woke her up. I walked into her room and opened the curtains. It was already five in the afternoon, and she still refused to get out of bed.
- "The doctor says you need to get out of bed,"- I argued when she repeated she was just resting.
- "I've been reading"
- "He says you need exercise"- she sighed and tried to make a joke.
- "That's because his idea of good literature is Our bodies, ourselves."
- "Well, he is your doctor."
- "He is a neanderthal"- I gave up and started walking out of the room. She just laid in bed and looked at me.
- "Where are you going?"
- "I'm going to see if Jeff wants to play"- Jeff was our next-door neighbor and my only friend growing up.
- "Come here. Let me read to you."
I know Garcia made fun of me when I said my mother used to read me Valentine's sonnets when I was a kid. Most people think I have a weird relationship with mom, but they don't understand what it was like growing up with her. They don't know what it was like for a twelve-year-old boy to finish high school, facing bullies. Handling the pressure of being a kid genius and the fact I had to take care of a schizophrenic mother.
How come I didn't start using drugs earlier?
I remember that afternoon I sat next to my mother, and she made me pick one of the many books she had with her on the bed. I choose Proust. I knew she loved it. I loved it as well.
"For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say, "I'm going to sleep."
I can still hear her voice, reading to me. Both of us avoided reality for a while, hiding in the books. I always do it regardless. I hide in the books to forget. I hide in knowledge to avoid acknowledging the real personal issues I have. I hide in my work saving people when no one ever saved me.
I work catching psychopaths when I know I might actually have a mental issue myself. I might end up just like mom, and it frightens me so much; there are many nights I can't even close an eye. If I get sick too, then no one will take care of her. I am the only one in her life. And she is the only one in mine.
She and (Y/N), but there is no way my best friend would ever take care of me if I got sick. Not because she wouldn't want to do it, but because I would never let her. I don't want to be a burden in her life. And she would hate me, I know. And I could never live in a world where (Y/N) hates me. Not then, not now.
(Y/N). She is the best thing that happened to me in the BAU. Yes, I had a family with my team, but she was different. She was my life. She was the reason why I smiled. She was the one person that made me feel I was important to someone. I knew the rest of my friend loved me, but I loved her.
That was it. I loved (Y/N). And I was scared I was never going to see her again.
(Y/N)'s point of view
I was standing next to Penelope. She kept trying to force me to eat. She knew I was living on coffee, but I just couldn't swallow anything. She held my hand as the two of us stared at the screens, hopefully waiting for Hankel to make contact again.
- "Any more signs of Reid?"- JJ walked over to us slowly and looked at me, afraid I might snap on her again. I just shook my head and sighed, doing my best to be nice to her.
- "He just posted the last murder online."
- "It had over 17 thousand hits in the first twenty minutes,"- Penelope added, and her voice was so full of revulsion. It was clear she couldn't handle the horror in the human mind.
- "I want to see it,"- JJ said, and I frowned, confused.
- "No, you don't,"- Garcia answered and looked at me- "Come on, munchkin, just eat one cookie, please."
- "Don't tell me what I want and don't want!"- JJ's tone shocked us both. She was severe and angry. She was rude at Penelope, and for a second, I almost snapped again.
- "If I can't watch this..."- JJ whispered and glued her eyes on the screen- "I have no business being in the field."
She looked at me when she was done talking, and for once during those awful days, I felt some kind of compassion for her. She had to be feeling like shit, no doubt, and no matter how mad I was at her, she was still my friend, and I didn't want her to suffer either.
- "JJ, it's not a competition,"- I tried to say in the softest voice possible.
- "I... I need to see it."
- "If you stop being affected by things, you lose parts of yourself, you know."
It was somehow ironic that I was the one saying those things. Me of all people in that team. Me, the one who was afraid the most of losing herself in work.
- "Show me"- she finally looked at Garcia, ignoring my words, and Penelope pleased her. She pushed play and simply said
- "I won't watch this with you."
García held my hand, walking me out of the room, leaving JJ alone in the room. She sighed and wiped the tears that started falling down her eyes.
- "I don't know how you do it either"- she whispered- "I don't know how you watch those things every day and don't go insane."
- "If it makes you feel better, I don't know how I do either, and it scared me to think my heart might be numbing with each case we solve. With every psychopath we catch."
- "We are gonna find him"- she assured me and held my hands tight- "We are bringing him home safe, I swear."
- "Let's go find Gideon,"- I said, nodding at her words- "He needs to know Tobias posted the last murder."
Jason was mad, beyond furious. He was losing it. Derek and Prentiss kept trying to crack Hankel and discover where he had taken Reid. Meanwhile, Garcia, Gideon, and I made our best to take the video of the murder from the web.
- "I have a list of everyone from the file-sharing chain. I could send out a mass warning that the video is actually a virus,"- Garcia said and started typing as fast as possible. I just stared at the screen, waiting for something, anything to happen.
But I wasn't waiting for what came next.
- "Confess your sins"- Hankel's voice made me jump, and the sight of Reid, still tied to that chair, bleeding, and being tortured, broke my heart again.
- "Confess!!"- that sick psychopath shouted and hit him.
- "I haven't done anything,"- Spencer sobbed, but it was useless. Hankel kept punching him, over and over again, even when my best friend begged for mercy.
I felt Jason hold my hand as I was holding Garcia's. The three of us felt powerless, useless, angry, and scared, all at the same time. I couldn't bear to watch Reid being tortured, but at the same time, I was so glad he was still alive.
That until Hankel beat him so hard, he pushed him back in the chair, and Reid started convulsing.
- "He is killing him,"- Penelope cried, and I closed my eyes, biting my lips. Spencer was choking, and that mother fucker just stood there, watching him die.
- "That's the devil vacating your body"- he spit those words as Reid simply passed out. I didn't know if he was dead. I didn't know if he was going to make it. Shit! I didn't know anything.
I let go of Jason and Penelope and stormed out of the room. I was unprofessional, and I knew it, but I knew I would quit if anything happened to Reid. I wasn't going to stay working at the BAU if Spencer died.
- "Are you ok?"- Derek grabbed my arm. I just broke into tears and held him tight. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.
- "He's dying! We can't find him!!"- I sobbed against his chest.
- "(Y/N)! (Y/N)!"- I heard Penelope yelling as we all rushed back to the computer room. Hankel was giving CPR to Reid, trying to bring him back to life.
- "Come on, come on, please,"- I begged as I watched him pushing his chest over and over again until Spencer woke up, gasping for air.
- "Thank God!"- Hotch sighed and rubbed his hands against his face. The whole team let out a breath of relief simultaneously, and I kept watching Reid. His opened eyes gave me hope.
- "Wait,"- Prentiss said suddenly- "When was the video of the last murder posted?"
- "Nine thirty"- Penelope answered
- "And when was the time of death?"
- "The 911 call came in at 9:04, and the murder must have been moments later."- Hotch added and didn't even turn to look at Prentiss. We were all still shocked looking at the screen.
- "That's just a 19 minutes difference,"- I said and turned to García- "How long would it take to post that file?"
- "Two or three minutes."
- "Let's call it two,"- I said, getting excited- "You figure a maximum of 60 miles an hour in a residential area. That means Hankel has to be within a 17-mile radius of the crime scene."
For a second, I felt I was rambling facts just like Reid would. It made me miss him even more.
- "García, can we see it on the map?"- Aaron whispered. He was clearly affected, and it also made me feel selfish, knowing I had made a tantrum with the whole team, forgetting they were suffering as well.
- "Call chief Farraday"- Jason commanded as soon as we saw the map of the area on the screen- "I want that area locked down like it's martial law."
JJ stood up and grabbed her phone but didn't make the call. García warned us something was going on with Reid and all of us stared at the screen in silence.
Spencer was on his back on the floor, still tied to a chair. It was clear he wasn't fully conscious of what was happening.
- "You came back to life,"- mother fucker Hankel said, spitting the words in anger.
- "Raphael,"- Reid whispered, recognizing one of his personalities.
- "There can be only one of two reasons."
- "I was given CPR,"- my friend whispered, but it was clear that wasn't one of the psycho's options.
- "There are no accidents. How many members of our team are watching us right now?"
- "Seven."
- "The seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first sounding followed hail, and they were thrown to the earth."
- "He thinks it's the revelations"- Hotch explained- "The seven archangels versus the seven angels of death."
I didn't know much about religion, but it didn't take a genius to figure out he didn't believe we were the good guys.
- "Tell me who you serve."
- "I serve you,"- Reid answered right away. His voice was a whisper. He had to be exhausted.
- "Then choose one to die"
- "What?!"
- "Your team members, choose one to die"- I knew what he was going to answer at that, and I didn't want to hear it.
- "Kill me,"- he replied immediately, and I closed my eyes, unable to watch what would happen next.
- "You said you weren't one of them."
- "I lied."
- "Your team has seven other members. Tell me who dies."
- "No"- Penelope gasped, and Prentiss cursed. I opened my eyes and nearly fainted. Hankel had a gun pointed against Reid's forehead.
The silence amongst the team was unbearable. Neither of us knew what to do. We were all panicking, praying, desperate.
- "Choose and prove you'll do God's will."
- "No."
Neither of us moved. Neither of us breathed until Hakel pulled the trigger, and no bullet came out. I nearly sigh, but it wasn't over.
- "Choose"- he repeated
- "I won't do it"- Hankel didn't even wait. He just pulled the trigger, and we all jumped at the same time. He was safe again.
- "Life is a choice."
- "No,"- Reid repeated once again. And Hankel pulled the trigger for the third time.
- "Choose"- and for the first time, Spencer made a pause. Was going to pick one of us to die?
- "I choose"- the whispered- "Aaron Hotchner."
Derek and I looked at him, and his pale face didn't move a muscle.
- "He's the classic narcissist. He thinks he's better than everyone else on the team. Genesis 23:4 "Let him not deceive himself, and trust in emptiness, vanity falseness, and futility, for these shall be his recompense."
Hotch stormed out of the room as Hankel pulled the trigger one more time and shot the wall.
I felt I was going to puke. If Reid hadn't picked one of us, he would be dead.
- "For God's will,"- the mother fuck said, as he put another bullet in the gun after removing the casing.
I couldn't look anymore. I followed Gideon and Derek to find Aaron going through all Tobias's diaries on the table.
- "I'm not a narcissist,"- he said as soon as he saw us.
- "Come on. Look, you can't think anything from that"- Jason tried to calm him down, in case he was somehow affected by what Reid had just said on camera- "He is not in his right mind, Hotch."
- "No, stop, stop. Alright, everybody, right now: what's my worst quality?"
He had to be kidding. We all stared at him, muted, lost in that conversation. What was his point? Neither of us said a word. We just looked at each other, confused and awkward.
- "Ok, I'll start. I have no sense of humor."
- "You are a bully,"- JJ added.
- "You can be a drill sergeant sometimes,"- I said, and he nodded.
- "Right."
- "You don't trust women as much as men"- you could feel it in Prentiss's voice. That one was personal.
- "Ok, good. I'm all these things, but none of you said that I ever put myself above the team because I don't, ever. Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism, and he knew that I would remember that. He also quoted Genesis chapter 23, verse 4. Read it."
Hotch gave me the book. He wasn't even breathing as she spoke. He was in a hurry. We were all.
- "I'm a stranger and a sojourner with you. Give me property, forbear a place among you that I may bury my dead of my sight."
- "He wouldn't get it wrong unless it were on purpose."
- "He is in a cemetery."- I said and looked at him. He nodded, and I swear to God, I saw a slight smile on his lips. That smile was hope. We were getting closer.
Spencer's point of view
I took a sip of water. I hadn't drunk in days, and my throat burned. I was still a little lost, still a little off.
- "Tobias, is that you?"- I saw him nod, sitting next to me. He moved the cup of water closer so that I could drink some more.
- "Thank you,"- I whispered and looked at him- You saved my life- he stared down at the ground and finally whispered
- "I'm sorry."
- "Why?"
- "He'll win in the end."
It was sad to see Tobias Hankel's good person locked inside a sick mind that also held a psychopath like his father.
- "Tobias, I need to know something. It's important. Are we in a cemetery?"- and he nodded. I smiled at him and sighed, relieved. Help was coming. My team was coming.
- "I used to come here to get high."
- "I was right."
- "No one bothers you here. I never told anyone about it."
He wrapped his belt around my arm, and I turned to him, still smiling. I didn't know if I were happy I was right or glad I would get high again. Maybe both. Maybe the second 'cos the minute that needle got to my vein, that sweet, sweet release felt like a bath of joy that washed away any pain, regret, or guilt I could have ever felt.
Guilt. I've had my share of that. I remember the day I had my mom admitted to the hospital. She hadn't eaten in days. She wouldn't take care of herself, and they're just so much I could do. I wasn't able to keep her safe from herself, from her mind.
- "What are these men doing here?"- she asked me as I walked with two nurses into the study. She was writing and reading. It was all she did, preparing lectures for classes she didn't have to give, in imaginary campuses.
I stood in front of her and hesitated for a second. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, telling mom I was taking her away from her own house.
- "They are from the hospital. They are here to help,"- I whispered and looked at my mother's confused expression. She was so thin. She looked so sick. I felt so guilty I couldn't do better for her.
- "I don't need help, and you can't be here without permission, tell them, Spencer."
She looked down at her books again and tried to continue writing. I took a deep breath, I knew I would break her heart, but there was nothing else I could do.
- "I called them"- she looked at me in pain. Deep, honest pain. Like I had just shattered her heart. Which I had done.
- "Spencer"- she simply whispered and stared into my eyes, begging for an explanation. I was trying my best not to cry. I had a whole speech prepared. I was going to tell her how much I loved her. I was going to explain to her how good it was for her to be in a place where someone could continuously take care of her. I had facts and statistics, but all I managed to say was:
- "I'm doing this for you."
And I felt like a liar. 'Cos, there was a part of me that was doing it for myself too.
- "This isn't legal"- she shook her head in shock and kept trying to find a good explanation to what was going on.
- "Your son is eighteen, ma'am. He can act in your welfare,"- one of the make nurses explained to her.
- "You need help,"- I said and prayed she could understand. But she just burst into tears and begged.
- "I wanna stay here!"
- "I'm... sorry, mom."
- "Please, these are my things, this is my life..."
Those men took her. They took her from her house and put her in a hospital. No. I put her there. I put my mom in a hospital so I could live my life, 'cos I am selfish and couldn't take care of her anymore.
- "Spencer, please, don't do this to me."
Those were the words that haunted me day and night. And my mother's crying face, begging me not to take her from her own house.
What kind of a son am I? I did that to her. I put her in a mental place 'cos I couldn't deal with her disease anymore. 'Cos I didn't know how to take care of her.
- "What are you sorry for, boy?"- I heard Hankel ask when I woke up. I was muttering, "Sorry" as I came back from my trip.
- "I sent her away."
- "Who."
- "My mom. I couldn't help her."
- "Is that a confession?"- I nodded and looked around, confused. Lost. High- "You know the bible. Exodus 21:17"
- "And he that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death,"- I whispered, scared and full of regret.
I heard him walk towards me. He kneeled and uncuffed me. I didn't know what was happening. Honestly, I was still too high to get what was going on around me.
- "Grab a shovel,"- he commanded and walked outside.
I was too weak to dig fast. I don't know how I was actually moving, but I was digging my own grave. I never thought I would ever end up doing such a thing. It's not something you think about, actually. Not unless you work in the BAU. Here, you start analyzing and considering the way you'll die: 'Cos you could, every day.
- "I ought to bury you alive in there, give you some time to think about what you've done,"- Hankel said and looked at me while I worked, playing with a knife.
- "I know what I've done."
- "Don't talk back to me! Dig!"
I pant and kept moving, very slowly, trying to buy myself some time too. I was sure the team was coming to get me any minute now. I was counting on them, though the more I thought about it, the less worthy of salvation I felt. Maybe I deserved to die after all.
I was almost certain I had seen some lights moving in the back. Flashlights. But it could be my mind playing tricks on me. I was too tired. And still too high, too.
- "Dig faster!"- he commanded me as I moved, losing my breath.
- "I'm not strong enough"- I cried, 'cos I felt like that. Like a failure, a child that aimed to be a grown-up and failed miserably. A bad son. The worst agent. A fake that deserved to die.
- "You are all weak!! Get out of there!"
Hankel took off his coat and left it on the ground. I slowly moved so he could dig for me, but the lights in the back took my attention, and he noticed. As soon as he turned around, I quickly grabbed his coat and reached out for the gun.
- "You've only got one bullet, son,"- he said as he looked at me. And I just pulled the trigger.
I shot him. I killed him. Hankel. Raphael. Tobias. I freed Tobias. Or at least, that is what I wanted to think.
- "Reid!!"- I heard (Y/N) yelling as I crawled to Tobia's body. He was still awake. He was himself.
- "You killed him"- he said, and he was relieved- "Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?"
- "I'm sorry,"- I whispered, and he was gone.
- "Reid!!"
(Y/N) yelled and ran over. She kneeled next to me and held me in her arms. I couldn't move, because for a few seconds, I couldn't believe she was real. She was there.
- "Honey, honey, are you ok? Can you hear me?"- she said, and tears started falling from her eyes- "Honey, it's me."
I just looked at her and hugged her. I hugged her as my life depended on it. There she was, next to me, finally.
- "I thought I was never going to see you again,"- I whispered and sobbed.
The urge to kiss her filled my whole body. I needed to taste her. I needed to show her how much I had needed her those days. But I knew I couldn't.
I didn't want to let her go. I didn't for a few minutes. I just hold onto her for my sanity. She kissed my forehead, cupping my face with both hands.
- "I'm so happy to see you. I'm glad you are ok... let's go to the ambulance, ok?"- I nodded but didn't let her go. I felt I could hold her forever. I wanted to keep her close for as long as I lived.
But the rest of the team gathered around us, and I wanted to thank them too. I needed to thank Hotch. So as soon as I let (Y/N) go, I wrapped my arms around him.
- "You alright?"- he asked me.
- "I knew you'd understand,"- I managed to say with tears falling from my eyes and a knot in my throat.
For a moment, I thought I was never going to see the team again. My family.
JJ held me close and apologized. I knew she felt guilty for leaving me alone, but I was the only one culpable for what had happened. I wanted to prove myself, and all I managed to do was prove I was a fool. A useless SSA.
- "It's alright, it wasn't your fault,"- I said and did my best to smile at her. But I know I failed. Gideon grabbed my arm and nodded.
- "Let's get you out of here."
- "Please,"- I whispered before we started walking- "Can I have a second alone?"- he looked at me and nodded, looking at Tobias' body lying by our side. He walked away, and I kneeled next to my capturer.
But instead of paying my respects, instead of cursing. Instead of anything, I took the Dilaudid bottles from his pocket and put them into mine.
And that's how the real hell started.
--
DIWK Taglist:
@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @svveet-peas @muffin-cup @shilohpug
Spencer taglist
@calm-and-doctor
General Taglist
@spenxerslut @ash19871962
Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.
Next update: May 5th, 2021
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inkofyoonkoo · 2 years
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I gasp once, and in that breath, I accept you in | Teaser
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I know I'm a ghost and I should focus on my WIP, but I swear I'm writing and as soon as this oneshot is finished I'll go back to them. For the moment, please have this tiny snippet absolutely not edited and subjected to very possible changes! Also, please burn your eyes enjoy this awful banner that doesn't make sense at all, but it actually does if you read the story 💔 
(a very few info about it: there’s a 10-years age gap between the characters, but everyone is of age; character death; it’s not a carefree story -even if I’m trying to keep a lighthearted style! I don’t know what’s gotten in my mind but I needed to write something bittersweet 💔)
P.s. to the very kind people who left me a nice comment on the last chapter of "I'm on the run" or any other story here or on AO3/Wattpad and are still waiting for a reply: I'M SORRY! I swear I've read you a dozen of times, but between the holidays and taking care of my new house I don't have much free time (adulting sucks 😊). In the meantime, THANK YOU. I love you a whole lot 💓💓💓
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You know it. The acquaintance the pair of you are nurturing day by day shattered somewhere, in a place so distant you can't easily reach to patch it up with a stitch of two. 
After all, Jungkook is just a boy. 
He doesn't know what it means to love someone with deep passion and end up on your own, carrying on your shoulders a tons of projects you'll never be able to fulfill because they seem perfect only with the person who left you behind. Maybe… Jungkook is getting tired to spend-waste his time with a woman who has more sad days than happy ones -actually, he's probably regretting the day he decided to let your lives intertwine. 
You hope he is...
"I'm sorry," you start, feebly. Jungkook doesn't look at you. "I really am. You should… you should be having fun at the festival. You could meet many guys your age." You bend your legs close to your chest, circling them with your arms. "You'd have much more fun there," you mumble, resting your chin on your knees.
Jungkook taps a finger on the bowl, the fishes dash away. "It's ok. I'm having fun here, too."
You turn to him, cheek adhering to your knees. Through your lashes, Jungkook looks like a disappointed kid who can't catch the attention of the two gold fishes swimming in a circle; deep inside your heart, you're aware that it's you, the main cause of his disappointment.
"Fireworks are about to start," you continue, ignoring his previous statement. Jungkook inhales sharply through his nose. "If you go now, you're still on time--"
"I said it's ok," he interrupts, pouty, "It's ok. I want to stay here, with you." Words fly out in a whispered hush, graze your spine in shivers. "I'm having fun with you, (Y/N). It's just…" he straightens himself, his hands flickering in the air. "I'd like to do more. You don't seem happy… never." His stare now trails to you, but there's no trace of boredom or annoyance in his doe eyes; the only visible crack is sadness, and it pinches your sense of guilt. "Are you happy, (Y/N)?"
You don't know if he's referring to the moments you've shared up to now, or in general. Whatever it is, you don't reply.
In all honesty, you aren't. For a very long time now. But… you sometimes are. There are little, quick-whispered moments in which your brain forgets about Namjoon and life seems a wonderful journey to discover again: when Jin spills one of his awful jokes, exhaling his windshield laugh; when he bumps into your house without warning, bringing a dish he personally cooked for you. When Yoongi delivers you his gummy smile; when he calls you in the middle of the night because he needs some advice. When Hoseok calls you only to make sure that you're doing fine; when he sends you souvenirs from all the places he's visiting. When Yoongi and Jin's mothers invite you to have some tea with them. When Jungkook… is here. 
Jungkook, waiting for you on the other side of the street, throwing rocks to entertain Bam. Jungkook, inviting you to have a walk together. Jungkook, showing up at your place with cans of beer and the proposal of a movie night made of trashy Z-movie. Jungkook, sitting on your sofa while watching cartoons and commenting out loud, Bam and Moon resting their muzzles on his thighs. Jungkook, letting out his airy laughter. Jungkook, bending down while drawing random sketches in his notebook. 
Jungkook… just him.
"I am. Sometimes…" you manage to say, still affected by your own thoughts revolving around the boy. 
"But you were more with your husband." It's not a question, the next comment tumbling off his mouth. You stiffen. It's like Jungkook immediately caught the reason behind the perpetual winter that's conditioning your life. "Would you be happier if he came back?" He hesitates, almost scared about the consequences his words might trigger. "If you miss him so much, you should tell him. Maybe you can solve things and he'll be back." A light grimace crosses his face, but he goes back to scrutinizing the fishes before you could actually notice it. 
"It's complicated." You brush your thumb on your wedding ring. "I feel like I'm suffocating when I miss him."
"What do you miss the most?"
The question is easy; the answer should be even more. His smile accompanied by two adorable dimples; his low voice; his chuckle; his hand resting upon your forehead when you used to use his lap as a pillow while he was reading; the passion dancing along his voice when he explained to you topics he loved; his: "I love you" blurted out when you least expected it, breathed out like they never weighed upon his heart...
"Small things. Things I only knew," you say, instead. Your heart quivers, he's the first you're revealing this. "Like… he couldn't dance well. But he always used to pull me into an awkward dance party while we were cooking. He was so clumsy. I lost count of how many things he broke because he accidentally hit them." You let out a chuckle, Jungkook gives you a little smile. "Or when he used to talk to his bonsai every morning. He treated them with so much care, like they were his little children." You swallow, the way his fingers used to caress the tiny leaves appear in the back of your mind. "Or… ahm, he used… since we've started dating, he used to dedicate small poems to me every day. He wrote it on napkins, ripped pieces of paper, sticky notes… I stored them all in a diary." Flush spreads to the tip of your ears, sweetness is dripping in your chest, washing away your sadness. "I haven't read them since he's been gone, but I remember each one of them by heart." Your shaky stare engulfs into his own, dark and intense. "I know that anyone can do these things--"
"But they're special because he was the one doing them," he completes the sentence for you, corners of his mouth quirking up. "I know what you mean." His eyes crinkle in the corners, then he turns toward the fishes. 
You stare at him. You'd love to open his skull and catch his train of thoughts -because it really feels like he knows what he's talking about. "Have you ever loved someone like this?"
Jungkook scratches his nape. "Don't know if it's love. But… lately, I think about all the things I love doing alone, and… dunno, it would be nice to do them with her." The moonlight kisses half of his face, you'd like to caress the visible portion and swipe away the sadness sprinkled on it. "Is it love, to you?"
"I don't know. Love is different for everyone. And I'm sure, you'll understand it on your own if it's love or not." You go back to watching in front of you. "Like… There were some things I loved to do on my own, and Namjoon too. But my whole life… I could only picture it beside him." 
"And I still do" is left unsaid, but judging from the heavy breath Jungkook just exhaled, he perfectly captured your meaning. It takes him quite a few seconds to stand up, hands brushing on the jeans to clean them. He's about to go away. You aren't surprised at all. He's probably tired of staying here, listening to the words of a woman who can't let go of her husband's memory. 
You stare at the garden, the moonlight kissing the plants and flowers. It's interesting this evolution, considering that Jungkook claimed more than once about his incapacity to let his past relationships grow in something deeper; you'd like to tell him that he's just to give himself time and be patient, that someday he'll meet a person and all the pieces will go to their right places on their own. That he's an incredible boy, and you're sure that the person he'll love with a passion of a thousand suns will be the luckiest soul on Earth--!
The screeching sound of footsocks pressing on the wood sends shivers down your spine, all your whirling thoughts sinking into oblivion. Cold wraps around your bones. You're used to people coming and going. Jungkook isn't different from all the men who came after Namjoon. Jungkook is…
Jungkook stays. He's standing there, across from you, hands curling around the hem of his t-shirt. He sits down, using his crossed feet like a cushion, fists laying on his lap.
"I envy your husband," he blows out, with an honesty that makes your muscles tense all at once. "You've got such beautiful eyes when you talk about him. Or when you… think of him." He scratches his head. "I wonder if I'll ever find someone who will look at me like this."
"You will."
He hesitates, nose scrunching a little. "And… What if the only person I want to look at me like this will never do it?" His question lingers between the pair of you like a broken melody out of tune, drenched with an awareness that rips your heart apart. 
You shift your stare on his face, scrutinizing the sombre expression dancing across his features. You're about to tell him that he should go. Panic cripples up your heart and you want to tell him to go. To go back to when he was a stranger and you were the only person treating him like he was invisible. To go back to the big city and live his life at his fullest and--!
A sudden whistle pierces through the silence, capturing your attention. You set your eyes up to the sky, watching a thin sparkling line crossing the dark veil before opening in an ocean of reddish sparks with a blow. 
"They started…" you feel guilty. He could've been witnessing them side by side with the other spectators, breathing in the excitement plaguing the atmosphere if you only didn't have a breakdown. "Namjoon loves them so much…"
"I love them too." A small pout tugs at his lips.
"You should turn, then. You're missing a wonderful sight."
"No. I'm not…"
You swallow. Jungkook stretches and you tilt your head back in the slightest, dizzy for his warm breath fanning against your mouth. "I… I'll go away this weekend. I promise a friend I'll spend it with him," he starts, voice dropping two notches deeper and reverberating through your chest. "But I'll be back on Sunday night. Like, I'm not going away. I'm staying." He breathes in. "So… Monday morning? Same hour?"
Your heart thumps wildly. 
You nod, tears threatening to roll down. The way he's treating your encounters like a promise between you two… it's a supernova explosion of tenderness that makes you all warm inside. You tell yourself that Jungkook is acting like this because you're the only one he knows. You try to keep in mind that he's doing it because it's summer, he wants to have fun. You remind yourself that all of this will be over within two months.
Two months…
Jungkook turns to the side, his cheek brushes for a second against yours. He rests his head on your shoulder, wrapping you in a feeble embrace. His breath is a nice sound amidst the explosions of the fireworks, the screaming and laughter of kids playing in the street. 
It-he reminds you of happiness. 
You can't get used to this.
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ye4gerismarchives · 3 years
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the bachelorette chp 4, part 3: visiting jean’s mom
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an: so, i decided i'd write the elimination in a separate chapter, one, just to mess with y'all and two, to give you time. i honestly think picking one of these three guys is really hard. obviously, i know who i want to win, but i look at the two other guys and i'm like 'oh, they would be good too!'. i like pulling at your heartstrings ;). i'll probably put together another q&a (depending on the numbers of questions i get) and once i do that, i'll wait for a day and then close the poll to start writing! anyways, let me stop sharing my thought process with yall and start your date with jean. link at the bottom!
tags: black, fem reader
tag list: @taybird
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Bertholdt drove you back to the mansion and you texted Connie asking him to prepare something for you, Bertholdt. Jean and Connie to eat. And maybe a lil something for that brat Levi. Connie responded with an 'ok' and a smiley face.
The car ride home was silent. You felt awful for Bertholdt. You wondered how many silent post-hospital drives he's been through.
Once you got home, Bertholdt told you he wasn't very hungry and just wanted to lay down. You wanted to argue with him but Bertholdt needed space. You wish him good night before making your way to the kitchen.
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Connie and Jean were chatting it up in the kitchen once you walked in. Connie was the one to announce your entrance. "Hey, y/n," he greets. Jean then turns around. "Hey, y/n. How is Bert holding up? I understand that visit was really hard."
"Thank you for asking, Jean. Bertie...well...he's just being human. His dad...it's really bad," you reply. You take a seat by Jean at the kitchen island. "The fact that he's been holding in for a while...it's crazy. I would have never thought he was in that situation. No wonder he was so stressed after that Porco got angry with him," Jean says. You raise an eyebrow at Jean. "Oh...after Porco got angry with him about you, Bert seemed sadder and more introverted than usual. He only really confided in Reiner, though," Jean explained.
"Ah, that makes sense. Poor Bertie."
Connie had made some garlic bread with ava ado toast and egg. You didn't expect that out of him but you all enjoyed it. You felt tired, so you told the guys you were ready to lay down. They wished you good night before diving into a conversation about...y'all i don't even know what men talk about 😐
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The next morning, you woke up at the same time as you did for Connie's visit. Your final visit would be Jean's mom. She also lived far away from the mansion but Jean insisted that you could take your time. She would still be at her home. No nurses to rush you out or kids bugging their parents. You hoped this visit would be as peaceful as it sounded.
You were very hungry though. You didn't realize it last night about the whole Bertholdt thing and you only had those little stupid avocado things that Connie made. It was good but didn't feel you up. You decided you would take a bath and get ready for your visit later.
You crept downstairs, hoping not to wake anyone up. You didn't want Levi questioning you and you didn't want to stop and talk to the boys because you would probably have a day-long conversation and if that conversation was with Jean, you probably wouldn't see his mom.
You made a few turns and found yourself in the kitchen. And you weren't alone. Jean was leaning on the kitchen counter, sipping on some coffee that he had made. His eyebrows widened at your presence.
"Good morning," he greeted, "I didn't expect you to be up right now."
"Oh, I'm just hungry right now. Didn't eat much yesterday," you say. Jean places his coffee down on the table. "Would you like me to make you something?"
You were about to say yes but a greater idea came into mind. "Why don't we make something together? It would be fun and give you bonus points..." You wiggle your eyebrows when you say that last part. Jean let out a laugh. "Well, you're hungry and I can't let you starve. Us working together will make things faster...and those 'bonus points' would help a lot."
You walk towards Jean and his eyes remain on you. You find yourself wrapping his arms around his waist. It was just on-demand. Jean pulls you close and kisses your forehead. "What do you wanna make?"You think for a minute. "You know how to make (meal of your choice)?"
Whether Jean says yes or no is up to you. However, Jean is really good at following directions. If you need something, he'll get it. If you needed him to watch something, he watches it with intensity.
After a few minutes, the meal was ready and you both sat by the kitchen island and dug in. "I hope Connie doesn't wake up and butt into our breakfast," you joke. Jean let out a small laugh. "Connie's really nice. He hasn't shown me or anyone else any hostility during our time here."
"If you could say...who did you think was the worst person here?" you ask. Jean doesn't even have to wait to answer. "I'd have to Floch. Confidence is key but Floch just got disrespectful about it. Talking about how we should all go home and let him have you. And he was only here one night and everyone already had a bad vibe about him."
Your heart panged at that answer. "Thank you for telling me. I know everyone likes drama but Floch sounds...dangerous. I don't know what would have happened if he stayed." "Yeah, of course. Sorry if that made you uncomfortable," Jean said sheepishly. The discomfort must have been visible on your face. "No, don't apologize. I asked."
You continued to eat your breakfast and chat and hear about Jean's experience in the mansion so far.
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After breakfast, you and Jean got ready for the day and finally decided to head out. Jean was starting his car when you decided to ask another question.
"I've never heard you talk about your dad. I've heard bits about your mom and you've mentioned her to the other guys but I never hear about your father. He isn't dead right? Is he sick? Like Bertholdt's?"
Jean is silent for a minute. "Oh...I don't really like talking about my dad, but you would have to know at some point."
"Oh, Jean...you don't have to. Don't worry about it."
He shakes his head. "It's fine. We were going to have this conversation pretty soon, so it doesn't matter."
Jean starts moving the car and when he's out on the road, he begins to talk.
"My dad has never been in my life. At this point, I don't know if he's dead or not. Sometimes I feel like he isn't my father. We did talk like once or twice when I was a kid and I was actually desperate to see him. But once I reached high school and started preparing for my adult life, I realized he wasn't worth it anymore. If my dad really wanted to be there for me, he would have reached out more often and let me know that things were hard on his end. I know everything I'm saying is being recorded and broadcasted, so if he ever sees me on TV, he can always hit me up. I just won't be naïve and stupid like I was the last time."
You immediately jump in after that last line. "Hey. You weren't naïve or stupid. He was stupid. You were a kid waiting on his dad. You had every right to wait for him, so don't insult yourself over him."
Deep down inside, you weren't sure if you wanted to meet Jean's dad...if he was alive. Jean didn't seem comfortable talking about him at all, so you shouldn't expect any visits or calls from that man. If you were to have kids and he popped up, that'd be hard to deal with. It would probably break Jean's heart to learn that his father would want to see his grandkids before even meeting the guy who helped make them.
Jean doesn't respond to what you said. Again, this was hard for him and he didn't even want to bring his father up in the first place, so you weren't upset.
You end up falling asleep in the car. Hours later, you wake up and Jean is parked in front of a bakery. He's on the phone. "Yeah, ma, we're here. Right in front of it, she's sleeping but we'll head inside....I miss you too...alright then, bye."
Jean hangs up and places the phone down. He jumps slightly when he realizes you're awake. "H-hey. I thought you were sleeping."
"Well, I was. Your mom is ready to see us?" You ask. "Yeah. She owns this bakery and decided to close completely today to meet you. I asked her if we could meet at home but she insisted that her bakery would be best. She's really proud of it," Jean explains. "Are we going to bake something?"
Jean laughs and shakes his head no. "Oh, no. My mom won't let you do any work in there, since you're a special guest. She put some things together if you want to eat something."
You imagined Jean's mother as someone who prioritized her future-in-law over her own son sometimes. It sounds overbearing but you thought this was a good thing. You wouldn't want an evil mother or father-in-law. If Jean were to cheat on you or hurt you, you knew she'd probably be on your side or hear both sides instead of immediately siding with her son.
You also wanted to assume that she was tough on Jean. Considering that she raised him herself, she had to do other things like work. To give herself some peace, she probably had a no-nonsense household- maybe why Jean was more like a puppy and wasn't as scandalous as the eliminated.
Jean got out of the car and helped you out. He didn't take your hand when directing you to the bakery but opened the door for you. Inside was a short, older woman, standing there with her hands clasped. The minute you stepped in, her excitement exploded. "Hi! Welcome! It's finally nice to meet you," she says. The older woman squeezes and you can't help but let out a chuckle...or a wheeze. "H-hey, mom. Maybe you should let her go," Jean steps in nervously. Jean's mom slowly lets go. "I'm sorry! I just got excited. Are you hungry?"
You shake your head. "No, Mrs. Kirstein. Jean actually helped me put together breakfast."
"Good, good. I'm glad he's being useful! And call me June. Come, sit, sit."
Jean's mom takes your hand and leads you to a small table and pulls open a chair for you. Jean quietly pulls a chair up by you. You start to worry about him because all the attention is on you, rather than the both of you.
"Can I get you something to drink?" June asks. "Some water would be nice," you answer. Your eye catches Jean's hand. You place your own on his and you feel him jump slightly. "Jean, would you like something too?"
"I-I'll take water too," Jean croaks. "Well, Jean, I'm sure you can serve yourself. I'm getting old, you know. Make sure you get a glass for y/n too."
Jean looks ready to argue back but he keeps his lips zipped. He carefully removes your hand from
his, gets up, and heads over to the back of the bakery.
You watch Jean do all of this and then finally turn away so that you can give June all your attention. "Please tell me he's been good to you," she starts. You weren't expecting this question but considers why she's asking. "Yes, Jean is...amazing. He's always coming to my defense. Which I shouldn't be surprised by, he is a lawyer."
June sighs in relief. "I hope he stays that way. He told you...about our situation right?" You nod. "It's unfortunate that his father did that to the both of you. If Jean does get married to me, I hope he doesn't pop out of anywhere. Jean's a good guy but I'm not too sure how he'll react to something like that." June let's our a small hum.
"Have you been watching the show?" you ask. "A little. I work, so it's hard to catch up on what's going on. Sometimes I'll read articles and Jean will text me to let me know if he didn't get eliminated. I was a little concerned about him doing the show because nothing is guaranteed."
"Hm...is he cocky about this whole thing? Does he really think he can get me?"
June thinks for a moment. "I can't say cocky but there's nothing wrong with a little confidence. Jean is handsome, he has a good job, he's smart- and he knows that. He believed those would be good reasons for you to like him. But...he does get bashful sometimes. He doesn't want all the attention on him and for people to view him in the wrong way. The fact that he had a mirror in his pocket on the first night was interesting to me. He's never done anything like that before."
You open your mouth but Jean enters once more. He places three water bottles on the table. "Sorry for taking too long. Ma, I'll replace the waters. Don't worry about it," he says. June shakes her head. "Don't worry about it, Jean. We have plenty of water."
"So, have you two discussed wedding plans? Anything for the future?" June suddenly asks. You look at Jean, who looks like his stomach was doing the chacha slide or sum. "M-mom-!"
"Well, we haven't reached that point because we don't know if he's staying or not but I'd like a really elegant wedding. I know we'll have a live-streamed wedding but I'd like to have a private wedding too. That would be nice right?" you cut in. Jean nods in agreement.
"What about kids? I read somewhere that you wanted a family," you tease. Jean's face reddened. "W-well...um...yeah...two would be nice. A girl and b-boy maybe?"
"See? We have a plan," you say with a wide smile. You could imagine Jean as a cautious dad but he still knew how to have fun with his kids. After long days at work, he'd cuddle with them and put them to sleep for you. When the kids are asleep, he'll check on you and make sure you had something to eat. He'd probably make sure to schedule regular date nights and family vacations. He'll have photos of you and the kids and maybe a few bandages in a wallet. Obviously, you would both be in the public eye once in a while but he would make things feel normal.
"I think you two would have beautiful kids. I do hope Jean gets picked. But your two other guys are good too. Bertholdt is absolutely adorable and Connie seems like he knows what he's doing. I don't know how you're ever going to choose. I can't imagine being your situation," June says.
"Wow, thanks for having my back mom," Jean says jokingly. "But if not me, pick Connie. He's a good person."
"Oh, Jean, don't do that to yourself. You're lovely." You cup his cheek and his reddened face returns.
Jean's mom starts talking about Jean when he was a kid- how he was such a big softie and a great helper,  how he was popular in high school but still to himself, and all the girlfriends and boyfriends that she didn't like.
It was getting late. Jean's mom offered you her home but Jean stopped her before she could ask. You didn't question why he didn't want to stay at her home but still wondered why. You said your goodbyes, watched her lock the bakery, and drive off. Jean helps you into his car and gets into the drivers' seat.
"You know why she wanted to you go home with her?" he asks.
You shake your head no. "There's only one bed. A twin size bed," Jean says as he starts the car. You let out a chuckle. "Connie's parents tried that with us except Connie had a bigger bed."
Jean looks over at you. "Oh...I should have probably taken her offer."
"Connie and I didn't do anything that night...maybe you could give me a sample of what you can do. It'll help me decide."
Jean didn't hesitate to lean over and cup your cheek. He went in first. Jean was gentle and careful with your lips. You soon gave in and wrapped a hand on his wrist. When things started to get hot, you pulled away. "Didn't expect you to be that gentle...You really want me, huh?"
"Yeah," Jean says scratching his neck. "You're pretty rough... you have experience?"
Whether you say yes or no is up to you.
Jean smiles at your answer and starts driving. You try to fall asleep but it's so hard. All you can see is Bertholdt, Connie, and Jean at the next elimination. You wished Eren or Onyankopon did stupid stuff later on and were a part of the final three so that this could be easier.
Hours later, Jean reaches the mansion. He thinks you're still asleep. He doesn't want to wake you up. So what does he do? Jean opens the passenger door and scoops you up in his arms. Your heart jumps. You hope it's dark enough outside so that he can't see the small smile you're trying not to crack.
It doesn't Jean long to get to the door and ring the doorbell. He must be really strong. The door opens and he's greeted by Connie.
"You need help with that man?"
"Um...no...I think I'll get her up there. But you could get her purse from my car though. She'll probably wonder where that is."
Connie probably gave him a non-verbal response since there was just silence after that. Jean got you up the stairs and struggled with your bedroom door but he got in within ten minutes. Jean turns on your lights, places you on the bed, and removes your shoes. He steps away but you hear ripping sounds proceeding by scribbling. You can hear Jean turning off your lights and closing the door behind him as he leaves. Your eyes flick open and you wait a few moments. You turn on the light on your bed stand to see the note Jean wrote you.
'Wasn't sure what to do with your clothes. It's not my place to decide that- at least not yet. But I hope you slept comfortably.'
You smile softly at the note. It was definitely something he would say.
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i use YOUR opinions to not only put together dates but to put together personalities. if y’all say you hate bertholdt, i’ll work my magic to mess with y’all :) anyways here’s the link! ask good questions. this is the last time you’ll see bertholdt, jean, OR connie. vote and ask wisely
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dervampireprince · 2 years
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I don't think I'll be able to make this as long as I should because I'm tired and I might have dom dropped a little after not knowing how you were doing for so long (which is not your fault, I'm doing OK, just had to spend a little time calming down and thinking very hard that you'd be alright). First things first, I'm very glad you're alright 💕 Got real rambly down there before I could address it, but yes, there's no problem in posting both of them, I feel a little ashamed because I probably left out a ton of stuff I wanted to say, but I'm glad they've helped ground you and illustrate what you wanted to say.
Second, I don't think you've ever not let me know properly how you're doing during a scene, I know I sometimes slip up, but you are usually good at communicating how deep down under you are. Nevertheless, if having a different system to help you out feel a bit safer, that would be completely alright, sweetheart, I'd keep trying my best to just make you feel safe and above all that you are having a good time. None of your triggers are stupid, you are not dumb or too sensitive for reacting to something others may not, that's normal and you should never feel bad about it (which I know it's very difficult depending on the thing, but hey, I know you always try).
Again, I'll try to be more careful in the future, I can't promise that I won't fuck up because text doesn't make this easier, but I promise I'll try very hard. I'm sorry you had to go through all of this because of my ask, sweetheart, I appreciate your forgiveness very much. I promise I'll strive to do better.
I've also grown ridiculously attached to you, so don't worry, you're not alone on that front, every time I say I love you I mean it with my whole heart.
I hope you are able to get a bit of rest, little prince, I hope you are able to curl up in your hoodie and feel warm and safe. I'd love to hold you, if it's too much, just sit by your side and hold your hand until you fell asleep, kiss your forehead as you slowly drifted off to sleep while I sang something slow and gentle for you, whichever makes you feel more at ease. Thank you for taking the time to read my asks and for being so kind and understanding. Thank you for making a little room in your blog and in your life for me. You deserve nice, soft things sweetheart, I hope I can still bring a little of that into your life. I love you very much, sweet dreams 💙
ah i was worried about taking so long to answer, i kept writing something then thinking a lot then writing the next paragraph then thinking a lot. please don't feel ashamed at all, i mean idk much about stuff but they seemed helpful to me?
ah yeah,, for anyone who doesn't read tags well, i often stay in character during the ask and then real me honest commentary in the tags, or in more recent asks i've also started doing italics for like when i'm writing in a headspace or rping and non-italic when i'm like being myself? not that i'm not partly myself when i'm writing the other stuff just... idk if that makes sense.
i thought maybe add a tag that just says like 'in a subspace' or something idk, i feel like you are good at telling whether i am or not, idk if everyone else is
i can't promise i won't ever fuck up either, it's a wonder that i haven't yet. but you be sure to tell me if and when i do.
i really don't know what to do with this paragraph... incredibly touched and flattered and hard to believe, partly because it's me on the receiving end and partly that it's through this blog i guess, and the whole brain gremlin that goes "ah but they don't love you, they love the idea of you, or they love 'dervampireprince'" though i've probably shown more of real me on here than i ever thought i was going too. but hey this proves to anyone nervous about interacting or becoming friends with me that it is possible, just don't like in your first message go overboard and ask me out of proclaim your deep feelings for me when you've never talked to me before you know.
oh no now i'll get emotional, as if the last paragraph didn't get me, now you've got all my heartstrings. singing????!? okay???? you can get in close too if you'd like, i just meant like i'd also want you to hold me hand.. [insert the cute finger emojis pointing at each other] it's feels more like you just kinda showed up one day and went yeah i'm gonna sometimes live here now? and i went okay. and didn't question it. and now you're still here. like you paved your own way here and opened the door and i was like oh wow this person is neat i don't want to ask them leave ever. like you came to visit and didn't know how long you were gonna stay and i went "maybe forever?".
i promise i'm definitely okay now, all the bad feelings gone and worn off and now i'm just sleepy and a little brain fuzz like a mild non-sexual sub or pup space idk it's hard to tell, speaking out loud is just kinda hard and slurred and i'm very sleepily excitable, if you can imagine what that combo looks like. so sleep is gonna have to happen now. hopefully for you soon too. and hopefully you can sleep a bit easier knowing i'm okie dokie.
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