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sunlight-moonrise · 3 years

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The Law of Attraction (Reid Imagine)

Summary: Reader cannot understand how Spencer is in a relationship with someone who is his complete opposite.

A/N: Hello Everyone!!! Here’s another story from the secret-fic-swap in the Discord server. I tried my hand at a new genre and I like how it came out. A big thank you to @imagining-in-the-margins for helping me make this real nice for y’all (this story was also written to her). Enjoy!

Category: Hurt/Comfort

Content Warnings: If you’re a fan of Max or Maxcer, this may not be the story for you. Sacrifices needed to be made for this story to be told.

Word Count: 4.2K

Masterlist

The thought that the concept of ‘opposites attract’ was only true when it comes to physics. After all, the comparison of people to magnets doesn’t make any sense. If two people are together, there should be some similarities to build an established relationship, right? Without that foundation, the structure will surely crumble back into the fragmented pieces that created it, leaving them cracked and weaker for it.

Compatibility is necessary, yet there is none whenever I look at them. This is the fourth function that he has brought her to, and with each event, I find it harder to look their way. But when I do find them among the crowd, I can’t look away. Like a car crash or thunderstorm ripping tree roots from the ground.

It doesn’t make sense to me, why on earth would Spencer Reid be with a girl like her.

“If you keep staring at her, she might drop dead,” said a sarcastic voice, breaking me out of my reverie. I turned to see Tara with an amused smile occupying her face.

“I just don’t get it,” I mumbled, focusing my attention on the drink in my hand.

“What’s not to get?” she asked, glancing over at the couple in question. “They seem cute together.”

“They have nothing in common. He might as well be talking to some random person in this bar.”

I chugged the remainder of my beverage with desperate hope that the alcohol will somehow make things better in this situation. It didn’t.

“You sound bitter.”

“I am not bitter,” I bit back.

“I didn’t say you were, I said you sound.”

I didn’t respond to her because deep down I knew she was right. I just fiddled with the straw in my now empty glass as Tara continued, “Look, they both like coffee and going to the park, that’s something.”

I couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped my throat at the thought.

“So do half the people on the administration floor, he might as well have a harem if those are the main qualifications.”

“So what type of person should Spencer Reid have?” she asked, an eyebrow arching up as she focused her attention on me.

“I don’t know. Someone who is family-oriented and loves kids. Someone who doesn’t judge him for his idiosyncrasies. Someone who listens to his rambles and actually responds to them. Someone who he can escape to when things get too tough. Someone who understands when to give him space but will continue to support him unconditionally. Someone who can challenge him and make each day exciting and interesting. Someone who can ke—”

“Whoa there, I didn’t think you were going to give me a whole novel.” If she thought that was a novel, then the rest of what I wanted to say would be considered an encyclopedia. The only one that Spencer would never read.

“I just want him to be happy,” I relented.

It was the simple truth. Everyone deserves some sort of contentment in their life, but with everything that Spencer has gone through in the past, his happiness should be at the forefront. He always put others before himself. It was time that someone prioritizes his wants and needs for a change.

“And she doesn’t make him happy?”

Not in the slightest.

But I didn’t want to say that. I was sure half of the team already thought, or knew, that I was infatuated with him. But I didn’t need to give them the satisfaction of a confirmation by talking about this any further. The looks that Tara had been giving me the past few minutes validated my belief that I didn’t need to dig myself into a deeper hole.

“Maybe,” I said, hoping to put an end to the topic.

But just then, I heard a laugh despite how noisy the place was. I knew without a doubt that was Spencer’s laugh – it was the only sound that would demand my attention that quickly. It was the one he used when he felt uncomfortable.

“Excuse me, Tara.”

I didn’t give her a chance to reply before I hopped off the barstool and made my way to where Spencer and his girl were as casually as possible. Jennifer and Penelope were also with them, and it seems as if the three ladies were doing most of the talking.

“….like kids someday?” I heard Pen say. I didn’t need to hear the beginning of the sentence to know what it was about.

“Ehh, certainly not. My nephew is a handful as is, I don’t think I need any more than that one in my life,” she laughed. She, of course, being the ever loving, ever annoying, Max. A quick glance at Spencer's face confirmed that he was bothered by the subject being discussed. If the rest of the ladies were a bit more sober, they’d probably have seen it too.

“Hey guys,” I interrupted, taking my previous seat next to JJ, “I ordered some water for us and some appetizers. Tara is going to bring it over when it is ready.”

Cheers and thank you were shouted across the small table, but there was only one face I cared to pay attention to. Spencer’s mouth was quirked in a sad smile that was meant to hide the discomfort that had already taken root in his heart like an invasive vine.

“Did you place my fries order?” Max asked, garnering my attention. As much as I wanted to ignore her, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t openly be a bitch to her, no matter how much she irked me. She hadn’t done anything wrong. Other than stealing the affections of a man I’d never actually pursued, that is. But I couldn’t really blame her for that one, right? I should’ve jumped on the opportunity before. It was my fault.

“Yup,” I answered quickly with a small fake smile before focusing on the wooden décor of the bar.

“So any plans for Halloween? Assuming we don’t get called in for a case of course,” JJ asked the table.

“There is this pop-up haunted house coming that weekend.” Spencer said, his voice laced with that childlike excitement that made my heart race, “It is near the annual fair, so I’m going to try and do both.”

“Awww, that’s a cute date idea.”

The table was silent for a moment before Max announced, “I probably won’t go. I am not a big fan of anything spooky or… horror. I’ll leave all of that to this guy.”

The table shared an awkward laugh in a poor attempt to lighten the mood.

“Anyway,” I coughed out, attempting to save this poor conversation, “you guys need to hear this terrible joke the bartender told me. So basically, this screwdriver walks into a bar….” and just like that, the topic had been changed.

Tara joined us shortly after and the conversation remained lighthearted for the remainder of the evening. We later said our farewells and readied ourselves to go back home. While I should’ve been sad to leave him, I couldn’t help but feel a bitter joy from the fact that Spencer and Max didn’t talk directly to each other for the rest of the night.

●●●

It’s been a couple of weeks since the last team outing. Rossi must’ve missed us, because he decided to host a dinner at his place to celebrate the ending of a long and tough case. No one was going to pass up the opportunity of free food and wine, especially after dealing with a bunch of cops and detectives with entire tree trunks up their asses.

I was the last to arrive, which was not surprising since I live the furthest away from Rossi. Krystall welcomed and settled me in while informing me where everyone was. What I assumed was a team gathering turned out to be a whole party. There were definitely more than two dozen people occupying the space.

Good god.

“What’s all this?” I asked as I greeted Rossi in the, thankfully, empty kitchen. Because, of course, Rossi wouldn’t be Rossi if he didn’t take care of all the hors d'oeuvres himself.

“Krystall wanted to celebrate our anniversary,” he sighed, as if this ordeal was somehow troublesome. I had to roll my eyes; he wasn’t fooling anyone. We all knew that Rossi would move mountains for his wife.

Their love was pure and genuine, a perfect example of two people meeting again at the right time and sharing something wonderful with one another. As I reminisced on their beautiful wedding day, a thought came to my head.

“Isn’t your first anniversary coming up in a few months?”

“That’s for our second marriage, this is for the first.” Rossi simply stated with a proud smirk, as if it was standard to celebrate any and all anniversaries in life. I supposed that for him, it was.

“Why do I get the feeling that this was more your idea than Krystall’s?”

“Guilty.”

Classic. Well, I wasn’t going to tell a man what he should celebrate nor how to do so. I wasn’t going to ruin any opportunities to eat some fresh crostini.

Once I made my way back out into the main room, I was able to find my team within seconds. My eyes instantly landed on Spencer’s tall and lanky form. And I would’ve been excited for that, if it weren’t for the familiar woman standing beside him.

Max was there. Hooray.

Usually, I was able to properly prepare myself for seeing her. It actually, unfortunately, took a lot of effort to not be openly hostile to someone I dislike. It wasn’t something I was proud of, but it was true. Typically in a situation like this, I’d avoid the person all night. However, I wasn’t going to allow her presence to influence the night, much less stop me from spending time with one of my closest friends.

“Hey guys.”

“Ahh, you’re finally here,” squealed Penelope, “I already grabbed your favorite drink!” She stepped aside to make room for me in the small gathered circle before handing me the glass.

“So what did I miss?��

They all caught me up on the harmless gossip circulating around the office and the new happenings emerging in everyone’s lives. Everything was going well until I heard the next words from Max, words that felt like a bucket of ice water and lead being poured over my head.

“Well, Spencer and I are moving in together.”

Time slowed down, I was sure it had. Because I was able to gauge everything in a matter of seconds. Tara’s concerning glance my way, her hand reaching out and retreating as if to hold me. Penelope’s joyful appearance over the news, her arms rising quickly causing her wine to slightly spill on Rossi’s floor. Matt expressing congratulations as he roughly patted Spencer on the back.

And Spencer….

Spencer looked like he rather be anywhere but here. His lips were drawn in a too tight smile that I knew was far from authentic. He was tapping his heel against the floor and wringing his hands together.

If this was merry news from the two of them, why did he look like he swallowed a spiked fruit?

The loud clanging of metal against glass brought everyone’s attention to the noisy source. Time returned back to its normal pace at Rossi’s call, thanking everyone for joining in on the celebration and announcing that the food was ready in the dining room.

While everyone cheered and made their way towards the ornate display, I headed to the balcony. It was too hot, too stuffy, too loud inside the house. There was one too many people there.

As soon as I passed through the double doors, I took a deep breath of cool, refreshing air. Everything around me felt muffled. Like I had stumbled into a small pocket universe that only differed from ours by a few notches on the volume knob.

I was thinking too many things, and none of them adding up or making sense in my head. How do you move in with someone you’ve only known for such a short amount of time? What was he going to do with his apartment? With his personal belongings that were scattered and settled on crowded shelves? Why did he look so uncomfortable when she announced it? Did he not want us to know? Did he want to say it himself?

“What are you doing out here?”

As if being brought back to reality by the very same hypnotist who enchanted me in the first place, I became aware that I was not the only one on the balcony. I turned to look at Spencer, taking in his disheveled and tired appearance.

“I just needed some space. I was feeling a bit crowded.” It wasn’t a lie, but my companion and I both knew there was a lot more than just that. Trying to keep the attention off me, I asked, “What are you doing here?”

“Checking on you. I saw you come out here dressed like that and wondered what would drag you out into the freezing cold.”

Now that he mentioned it, the breeze was hitting hard. I didn’t notice my body trembling until now. It is funny how you can’t feel much when lost in your own thoughts. The pain was a welcome distraction, I supposed.

Spencer stood next to me and shrugged off the suit jacket he was wearing. I opened my mouth to refuse, but he gave me a pointed look before I could. Instead, I accepted the warm jacket over my body. The scent of cinnamon and spice immediately enveloped my form and I tried to hide the way my inhales grew deeper. Trying to keep him as close as I could for however long he would allow. He kept his hands on my arms, rubbing them up and down the sleeves of the jacket to instill some heat in me.

“So whatever happened to taking it slow?” I asked bluntly, keeping my eyes on the interesting speck of dirt that had ended up on my shoe. I didn’t feel bad about getting to the point -- There was no way I could subtly ask him what the deal was, and I’d rather not beat around the bush.

“Well, after the whole situation that happened, sh— we decided to pick up the pace of things,” he spoke lowly, as if he was unsure of the words coming out of his mouth.

“Has she even met Diana? Or know about her?” I instantly regretted asking, the angry look he shot my way had me feeling remorseful. But it also answered my question.

Max only knew the surface level of Spencer. She wasn’t aware of all the good, bad, beautiful, and ugly layers that comes with a man like him. She wasn’t the only one to blame, but I wondered how a profiler couldn’t tell that he was hiding those parts from her because he didn’t want to share them with her. He didn’t want her to know, because the knowing made it real.

“I just want the best for you.”

His irritated expression dissolved into a defeated one as he released the breath he was holding.

“I know, I know. It’s just…”

He stopped talking, appearing scared to share his opinions and feelings with me before he remembered that, unlike Max, he never had to hide things from me. He didn’t want to.

“It’s just…” I prodded, hoping he would continue with what he was going to say.

But he just stayed stuck there, opening and closing his mouth multiple times. I could practically see the cogs in his brain whirling as he properly tried to explain. “Well, the thing is that Ma—”

“Spencer?”

We sharply turned our heads to see Max and Tara staring at us. It wasn’t until that moment that I remembered our position. With Spencer’s hands rubbing tenderness heat onto my arms, his jacket over my shoulders and our bodies pressed together to keep warm.

It would be one thing if everything was settled, but this situation was anything but. Max had every reason to be angry. This wasn’t a new thing to her. So when she turned around, she stomped away fueled by the belief that she’d nearly caught her boyfriend committing adultery. Again.

“Fuck,” I heard the man in front of me whisper as he released me back into the cold night.

Still, as he left, he looked back at me. His eyes burned into mine up until he tore them away, making his final decision and hastily running from the balcony. Away from me. Towards her.

Tara and I shared the silence, but she looked at me with those inquisitive eyes, as if I was a client seeking out therapy from her.

“What?” I hissed, “We were just talking.” I refused to feel guilty over something that I didn’t do. If anyone had done anything, it was Spencer. But at the same time, I didn’t think he was entirely wrong, either.

“I didn’t say anything,” she muttered, holding her hands up high as a sign of surrender.

“You didn’t have to, I can feel the judgment from here.”

“Look, I’m not judging you. But I do want you to put yourself in Max’s shoes. You guys were gone for a while and she finds you two all over each other.”

“What are you talking about, Tara? Christ, it’s not like I was fucking him on the balcony!”

Although I didn’t intend for my words to be humorous, Tara laughed. I was conflicted on whether it was at me or with me, but it ended up amounting to nothing, anyway.

“Look, the night is young and you need to relax. Come back inside, enjoy the party, and don’t let them bring you down. At least for the next few hours.”

She was right, as she usually was. It was why I usually sought her out as the voice of reason; I knew that despite everything, she would always have my best interest at heart.

“Okay,” I agreed before following her back into the chaotic fray.

I heeded her advice and avoided the couple for the remainder of the night. Shockingly, it was pretty easy, but I was sure it was because they were avoiding me too. There were times, lots of times, where Spencer and I made eye contact, but we’d just as quickly look away, as if we were ashamed of what we have done.

All we did was talk. So why did it feel like something more?

There were also times when I made eye contact with Max, but instead of shame, there was anger and contempt. If looks could kill, like Tara had suggested, I was sure my heart would have given out.

It wasn’t until later in the evening that I saw Max take a cab home while Spencer was still inside the house. No one else but me noticed that they didn’t leave the party together.

●●●

I hadn’t seen Spencer since the incident at Rossi’s a few weeks ago. He had to take his mandatory sabbatical leave and I had to take an abrupt trip back home. What used to be almost daily texts between us became nonexistent in a matter of hours. It was a terrible predicament that I was hoping to fix soon.

As I arrived, I spotted him at his desk. For a long time, I stood there staring at him. If he wasn’t nose deep in a bunch of files, I was sure he would’ve seen me, too. I contemplated on how I should go up to him, but nothing I could think of was good enough to say.

Hey, I have your jacket, I took it to the dry cleaner’s, so it is all clean. Rid of me like you wanted to be.

Hi, how were the lectures this time around? Still have a bunch of teens crushing on you?

What’s up, it’s been a while, do you want to get lunch during the break?

I hated that things were awkward, even though I was pretty sure that I was the only one that was making it so. I should have just gone up to him, greeted him, and acted like everything was normal, because everything was normal. Right?

Just when I was about to do so, Emily called us in for a meeting. Impeccable timing.

We had a serial killer case in Louisville, Kentucky. My situation with Spencer was going to the backburner.

During our stay in Louisville, Spencer and I barely interacted. We exchanged notes and passed long messages, but that’s pretty much it. I wasn’t surprised. Our specialties don’t really correlate when we are working on a case. Anytime I did catch some free time, I’d look his way, longing for the opportunity to speak to him. He didn’t look back.

Then, just as the case ended, another chance presented itself. After five days of hardly any proper rest, we finally found the unsub. Everyone was in their respective room catching up on some much needed sleep. Except for Spencer, whose gangly body was tucked away at the bar by himself, a glass of what appeared to be soda in front of him.

Silently, I took the seat next to him, and for a few minutes, everything was quiet. But unlike the usual, comfortable quiet, it was torturous.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

I stared at him, letting the silent communication denote the fact that I knew he was lying to me. Spencer released a sigh and looked at me with eyes more intoxicating than any whiskey that shared their color.

“Actually, no, I’m not okay.”

I was going to ask him what was wrong or if there was anything I could do to help, but before I had the chance to do so, he hastily answered the question I hadn’t asked.

“Max and I broke up.”

I stared at him, my face and mind blank as I tried to comprehend what he’d said. That Max and Spencer broke up. They were no longer together. Spencer was single.

I thought that if this ever happened, I would be happy, elated, jumping at the chance to take her place by his side. But I felt none of those things.

“What happened?” I didn’t want to appear nosy or meddlesome, but I needed to know.

“We were fighting a lot, and I couldn’t take it.”

“Oh.”

“We were… actually fighting about you.”

I sharply turned my head at him, both intrigued and disturbed by the implication that I had anything to do with the failure of their relationship.

“What? What about me?”

“She thought I liked you,” he said while staring straight back at me, daring me to scan through each fleck of gold and green to ensure that he was telling the truth. But his hazel eyes expressed nothing but honesty as he continued, “and she was right. I do.”

“Y-you do?”

All he could do was nod his head, lifting his hand and catching a loose strand of hair before tucking it behind my ear.

“Can I try something?” Spencer shyly requested.

Once again, the universe felt different. I held my breath, trying to wake from the dream. Although he didn’t say it, I had an idea of what he wanted. If the hand on the side of my face and the staring at my lips were anything to go by, I knew what was going to happen next.

I nodded back and closed my eyes. A few seconds passed, the sweetest kind of anticipation. But then I felt the gentle pressure of his lips against my own, sweet and tender. He moved his head to get a better angle while I brought my hands up to cup his face. The roughness of his stubble against the tip of my fingers was a perfect contrast to the softness of him. I could taste the soda he was drinking on his tongue and breathed in the cinnamon scent that seemed sunken into his skin.

When we pulled away, it was full of hesitation. All it took was one look for us to know we couldn’t do this. Not now, not yet. He was still healing from the recent break up and I didn’t want to be a rebound. I didn’t want us to resent one another for jumping into a relationship so soon. We weren’t ready.

We sat there in relative silence, taking in everything that has happened.

“Maybe one day,” he paused “one day we can give it a chance.”

“Yes. I’d like that.” I beamed at him, “And I look forward to that day. Until then, we remain as friends.”

He returned my smile and I realized that it had been a while since I’ve seen his real smile. I missed it so much.

“Friends,” he confirmed.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt relief and comfort. Because I knew everything was going to be okay. I had hope that someday Spencer will get the happily ever after he deserves and he’ll get it with me by his side. One day.

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dafukdidiwatch · 3 years

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Fantasy High Rant (and why you should watch it)

Ok I got suggested this and I cant believe I've been sleeping on this series in the last two years. This series is freaking fantastic! I’m screaming.

Overview is this is a modern d&d fantasy land a la Onward Style, where we follow fantasy Scooby Doo gang as they try to solve the mystery of missing students while interacting with the fantastical citizens of Spyre.

I hella love it, because while it has such a great mystery of whats going on in the town, who is doing what and why, etc etc, and it just GROWS the more you watch it. You think it was something simple, but the conspiracy rabbit hole gets deeper and deeper. But to me the main pull is just seeing how our Party just interacts with everyone and each other. This is a very character driven series, which makes sense this is a d&d party, you have to get attached to the party if you want them to work together.

Fabian Seacaster: God he’s fun to watch. The rich kid high class type of character but is just has so much gusto. I love his relationship with his family, it’s adorable. He just adores his parents and his parents adore him back. Like Addams style adoration. He is a bit full of himself and arrogant and has a thing of living up to his father's legacy as well as his family name, but I think his arc is him learning that he doesn't have to define himself through his dad and can be his own person. Plus my favorite moments are him screaming “WHAT IS HAPPENING” because out of everyone he mostly the straight man dealing with people.

Gorgug: I just love him. He is just so sweet. He is just a gentle giant and confused all the time. I feel so bad that he keeps getting the shit end of the stick to save the rest of the party. Like the whole "stealing backpack" shit to basically set him up as the outcasts of outcasts. Granted I’m laughing my ass off when it happens, but he is just so anxious it’s cute. He is just very sweet and genuine, even if he is a little awkward. I also love him just asking if people are his dad lol he just wants to know. But when he rages he’s basically God-Tier Shaggy.

Fig: lol her angsty teenage years finding out she isn't who she thought she was. Tbf her dad basically said she was the reason for her parents divorce soooo take that as you will. Her being the "bad girl" but also very helpful when she can is great. Her flirtatious punk attitude, the winking, and rocking bard stuff. I low key like the idea of her being with Gorgug because of the moments in Barbarian class and giving him drumsticks. And I also like her with Fabian as just a wild cool kid power couple. Also her fucking with Goldenhoarde is the best with her being sexual,with him. Its super funny.

Riz: I freaking love him. Kid detective on the case. The business cards for friendship which I mean, makes sense. His goal from day one was to find the missing girls and babysitter. I'm sorry he has a poor house to use water cereal, but his mom just loves him and I think that’s sweet. His family is the coolest and he isn’t afraid to admit how cool his family is. But he has direction, he has a mission, and he does it with determination. Plus I love how he is The Ball and everyone is just going with it and now supports it. Him fucking with Fabian is great. And I'm glad he is reconsidering his life choices after meeting the AV kids.

Adaine: She needs help. The panicking one. I mean, her family,obviously looks down on her and she is literally jealous of all the other kids parents (love the gnomes). She is learning to find her own magic her own way and trying to shatter the expectation forced on her. God I support her just fucking people up, especially with Pixie Boy.She is just trying to deal with things which honestly this adventure is getting her to open up and not take shit. Character Arc: Don’t Take Shit.

Kristen: I’m just watching a train wreck here. Like she was 100% Helios all the way. But now it is just watching her questioning everything about religion after dying. Its amazing from looking into other religion herself and just how it ALL escalates from there as she is pulled further and further away from her religion and old life. Learning that how she was raised was just so fucked. Like I'm just seeing how far this goes and if she will pick another god instead or just not be a cleric anymore.

Also I'm like never going to post a completed version of this post because I’m way too fucking obsessed. I went from ep 8 yelling about Kristen’s religious life to episode 13 plot-twist end. I basically am physically restraining myself from watching episode 15 before I type this or else this will never be typed. I can literally go off about all the characters there is just so many good moments.

Basically, check out the show yourself. It’s on Youtube, it’s hilarious. Watching the reactions and faces is just so much fun to see. 100% recommend.

Now excuse me while I scream spoilers for episode 8/13/14 underneath:

Midway through Ep 8:

Ok it was fucking Kristen! Like not her obviously, but she was the hellmouth! She was the initial sacrifice! Demon-Dad Garthox said that the Hellmouth can be opened inside a person, and Goth Kid Blane was working for the Harvestmen Helios to get that page. And lo and behold the page was in the corn vat that Kristen's book was pushed into! Coincidence? I think not!

They thought that it was somehow Adaine's magic that caused it, or the very least it was the bully,guy who chucked Kristen's book in. But no, the page was already inside her book and fell into the corn! If bully ass McGee didn't hit the book out of her hands, then she might have been the victim! Which makes sense, why not have a follower of Helios bring the end times in His name.

Which means that it could be Daybreak or her parents that gave her the page in her bible for this.

God,is this what Helios meant when it "wasn't her time?" Because she is needed as the Hellmouth Sacrifice?

And this makes the whole "sneaking into heaven" part make sense now. If Aguefort was trying to be assassinated by Helios, he could sneak into Helios Heaven and spy on them from the afterlife. He's a weird ass man I'm sure he can pull it off.

Also Fig's Dad is hella cool and I totally love him for,trying to be a parent and mature about this. Fig is totally supportive of him and I love it.

Ok I'm going back to finish episode 8 I just REALLY needed to rant about that.

Screaming about Episode 13:

The oracle was going to return,if the country was in danger. It was but she was,kidnapped/killed on an illusion ship to stop,her. Rix dad is a spy and he was 100%,super dope about it and him just finding his family secrets I was just crying like, he found his legacy, his entire family was,badasses he was so happy and took up his dad's gun for justice. Like how cool is it for a goblin spy,being small and already default evil to infiltrate that is so clever. That is what gets me on this show,is that they take these cool setting and ideas and how they are twisted to fit the fantasy. Cops? Fantasy cops. Skateboarders? Fantasy skateboarders.

Which lets be real, I think the best battle where they really,worked together was during the skateboarders.

This mystery is building and building and I,guess Penelope is,trying to,be queen,via homecoming queen which is,weird and has a Sarah berry vibe to,it. Which is fucking nuts.

Now I’m wondering if nice guy,pixie actually was in on it day 1, or if he was turned over after he was "beaten" like the bad guys offered him a way to make his dream girls his 2D pets. Which, gross. But Biz part doesn't necessarily fit with the main plot. He obv isn't behind this.

Kalvaxus is a demon with money. His money needs to be destroyed. So they are funneling his money through the banks. They used his ship in disguise to kidnap/capture/kill the oracle to prevent her from returning, which she said she would if the country was in danger. Yes the religious Harvestmen wanted to start the apocalypse via Kristen, but ass-elf diplomat said it wouldn't really work, but it would break the treaty and start war. Kalvaxus. Coach Daybreak had control,on Zane, who had control over Johnny Spells to kidnap girls, and since Alwin had a spell to find "maidens/virgins" they need the girls, either as a sacrifice or as conduits to power the arcane source. Was all of this to raise Kalvaxus from hell to the mortal world? That would explain the power source at the arcade with the trapped girls, to keep the connection going. The only,thing I can think,as to why Penelope would be as high up as she is in this conspiracy is if Kalvaxus is her dad. Which I guess,everyone has dad issues in,this group.

Side note, I appreciate how Gorgug thinks himself as,dumb but gets really smart ideas and the whole party agreed they are smart. Like,he was the first to,put 2 and 2 together about Kalvaxus== KVX bank, even if he didn't outright say it.

All,the adults are really,enjoyable,to see. I fucking love Rix’s mom shes so cool. And Gilear is actually really,pitifully funny. I wouldn't think I would like,him as much after that first episode, but he is actually hilarious being the lunch lad and just trying his best.

Live Screaming Episode 14 (lots of incoherent):

fucking He'll Riz got the drop on Biz but he fumbled the attack with a nat1.

Ah shit! This is their shit! The prizes are the girls shit as trophies. Zelda headphones. Skateboard girl. You need to give the items back!!!

Fig's German Shepard patrol finally works out

And Riz is now in Penny's game, oh this hurts because this is the girl that he wants to help.

Biz is like a terrible chucky cheese mascot.

I love it when Fabian says "whats happening" because for all his rich person elegance his bafflement amuses me.

It's so sad to see these girls just be this, shadow of themselves. Like no personality at all.

Adaine does will with the divination rolls, I don't think I,could be able to,do this that well.

Damn they are taking the girls,into the power source, they need girl power. Literally.

Gorgug is just so sweet to call his parents for help. Too bad it didn't work. Its a gnome game, sweet.

damn this is a lot more dangerous than before. This is why we don't split the party.

Make Gorgug fly again that would be awesome. But Adaine flying is good too.

Riz using his gremlin powers to fuck up the parascepts from the inside is fucking amazing, why the hell is it funneling to the school.

Sucks that Fabian just kept running all the way out the building. But lets say Fabian having that motorcycle is just so op. Plus it called him Daddy let's not forget that.

Gorgug using the headphones with Zelda’s music is just so sweet and clever. See hes a simple man but very smart. Practical I think.

Lol only the guys got sucked into the game. No girls in video game.

The Bebe raises Gorgug’s rage. Riz is right: hot topic vs av nerds.

Where is devil dad, like he wasn't kidnapped or kidnapped figs mom or whatever right??? Like i get suspicious when people don't respond immediately.

OMG Gorgug is God Tier Shaggy.

Biz is doing the Fantasy Truffle Shuffle.

Cut his wings Gorgug!

Riz!!! Keep her here!!! FUCK!!! HE DIDN'T!!! Biz is soooo creepy.

Yes! Keep the ghosts so sad I would love the bag of holding but too bad it didn't work.

Gorgug’s parents are just so freaking sweet and supportive.

Hold shit Gorgug’s honesty got him double crit. That sucks but I lowkey hope he keeps the white hair.

That motorcycle is so op. But hes in a racing game with the hangman, at least he has an advantage.

Kristen's philosophers are just so op. I love how her religion is just searching for eternal knowledge.

NAT 20 THE NAT 20 FUCKING YES LETS GO RIZ JUST FLIPPING IT OFF AND SCREAMING FUCK YOU holy,shit that was funny. Too bad it was wasted on such a dumbass moment.

Just smashed the palimpsest that's how the owlbear popped out. Wow it was hilarious how biz popped out. But holy,shit Riz not even giving biz a chance as he starts shooting off fingers that’s amazing

I love them fucking with him because hes an ass. Oh, Alwin modify memory to make him think it was his evil plan. You know still fuck him tho. Ugh are those pictures. No. They know it was the group and photos of their house. Ughhhhh and now things are getting more dangerous,

#dafukblog #fantasy high #fantasy high episode 8 #fantasy high episode 13 #fantasy high episode 14

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thevividgreenmoss · 3 years

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Once a culture founded on mobility came into being, however, it became possible to dream of leaving one’s waste behind; and this is what happens in the United States, a culture that throws away things rather than repairing them, replicating thereby the initial gesture of departure from the native land. But one can only throw away for so long: to be precise, only for so long as there exist open spaces into which to migrate, leaving the waste ones behind. Once the last open space has been traversed the terms of the equation change; and that is why Pynchon sets his novel on the Californian coast, which symbolizes the extremity of possible consciousness. (One can nevertheless go further, as Pynchon’s stopping point indicates: beyond the coast lies an ocean created when the moon tore free of the earth; and so one has the moon itself as the next destination of a culture fascinated by science fiction and determined to abandon its technologically ravaged planet; this is surely why Pynchon’s subsequent novel took the rocket as its hero and insisted on the parabola of gravity, which returns one to earth and precludes any such escapism. For if there is an escape it will of course be for the few: First Worlders, and even then, only for a few of them.) Once this point has been reached it becomes possible to dream of a waste that consolidates itself and so provides a lever for the dislodgement of official culture, This is Pynchon’s inversion of the American dream (which systematically overturns the ‘American Dream’ of Mailer: wealth, fame and impunity): a waste—a left-over (the theme of the after-life of the object and person, to which I will return)—that is not just a residue but the growing point of the revolution of the new.

But if waste may be a counter-force of the dispossessed, it may also be the posthumous executor of Pierce Inverarity’s American millionaire dream of an after-life in the form of Oedipa’s obsession. Here Pierce’s possible thirst for an after-life rhymes ironically with Pynchon’s own concern for the after-life of apparently ephemeral objects and persons. If they have no after-life, how are the disinherited to come into their true estate, the life they have never lived? Can the preterition death imposes be overcome, allowing the object and its repressed life to return again? The quest is one to counteract entropy and the inevitability of waste, by arresting time, achieving perpetual motion (via the workings of Maxwell’s Demon) and the Californian dream of eternal youthfulness. If Oedipa is simply the unwitting executor of Inverarity’s will—his urge towards futurity—then the book is purely dark: even after death the tyrant determines reality, and the past weighs like a nightmare on the brains of the living. And yet one cannot be sure, for the absence of the expected ending—the coda in which the detective conventionally wraps up the story by retelling it in the right order—leaves everything open. Everything hovers on the verge of a revelation, the Pentecostal speaking in tongues that is one of the book’s interconnected leitmotifs, and yet its coming is delayed indefinitely: the number fifty that would betoken Pentecost never arrives, being forestalled by forty-nine, which draws on the mystical authority of 7 X 7 to masquerade as the true ending. Midway through the book Pynchon remarks very cannily: ‘Oedipa wondered whether, at the end of this (if it were supposed to end), she too might not be left with only compiled memories of clues, announcements, intimations, but never the central truth itself, which must somehow each time be too bright for her memory to hold; which must always blaze out, destroying its own message irreversibly, leaving an overexposed blank when the world came back.’ The absent final page anticipated here may be just such an overexposure of consciousness.

Like Walter Benjamin, The Crying of Lot 49 asks what persists of the dead—what persists of the past—in a present condemned to amnesia by the sheer momentum of technological advance. Are they resurrected periodically, like the dandelions in the dandelion wine, which ferment annually on the anniversary of their period of blooming: ‘As if the dead really do persist, even in a bottle of wine’? Pynchon’s concern is thus with the redemption of history: a history that can only be redeemed by memory (his own memory, as he burrows into archives, researching the arcana of his novel); a history that can only be redeemed by utter oblivion or transformation (as he erodes the history he draws on by fusing it with fictional events, aligning the real Webster with the imaginary Wharfinger in order to shift both into the Utopian unnamed realm between ‘either’ and ‘or’, the excluded middle). There is a magical aspect to this fictionalization of history (itself a form of ‘magic realism’): by attaching fiction to history he seeks to create for it, by association, the force of the real, so that the imaginary underground organization can enter the realm of the actual. Pynchon’s project is thus akin to the unfurling of a flag in the hope that people will rally to it simply because it is there, a point that fixes and attracts the eye within an otherwise flat landscape. The gesture includes a hope that in the end the nightmares of history will prove as forgettable as a mere novel.

And so one has the ending that is no ending, that rehearses the title of the book (‘Oedipa settled back, to await the crying of Lot 49’), places the whole book in the future (in the same way as the ending of Proust’s ‘Recherche’, his quest, places Marcel’s novel, which we have just finished reading, in the future), and so inaugurates the eternal, infernal recurrence of the events it relates. It looks to the future with the aspiration of Rapunzel (Oedipa as Rapunzel whose hair may never be climbed, as all her men fall away from her): with the dreaming detachment of the figures in the paintings of Remedios Varo, to one of whose works Pynchon alludes at the end of chapter one, and with whom he seems to have possessed a deep elective affinity: for again and again the figures in these paintings have the shapes of spindles or cocoons, somnambulistically spinning the web of their selfhood around themselves, like Penelope, waiting to wake. This ending projects one beyond the terms of the book by indicating the degree to which silence (the inarticulacy of the dispossessed?) is more important and potent than language. The text cannot speak the Other: to do so would be to coopt it, to destroy it by bringing it to the light. If the Other of the book is the world, the Other of speech is action—the revolution we will have to make if we are ever to break out of the revolving cycle of the book’s recurrence. (As it heads towards a revelation and revolution that never materializes—since it has not yet occurred in reality—the book takes on the shape of a door that turns into a revolving door: a door it is very hard to go through, as it turns one back from one’s goal to consider the grounds of one’s failure to reach that goal.) It is Pynchon’s recognition of the sheer difficulty of this revolution—especially for middle-class intellectuals such as Oedipa or ourselves—the terrible weight of dead consciousness it will have to dislodge, combined with his stubborn refusal to relinquish its Utopian, barely figurable image, that gives his book its exemplary passion and intelligence. Its example can only be followed by acting on the injunction of its final page, in which the text becomes a code without a message (like the empty television set with which it began): an injunction to complete unfinished business.

Paul Coates, Pynchon's Aesthetic Radicalism

#yes yes yes #i didn't much csre for the first segment of this intervening in the postmodernist/third world literature debates cause I don't think he #much there like he missed the point of eagleton's position imo and he pinpoint's genuine weaknesses in jameson's but his anysis of those #weaknesses is v off but goddamn when he got to the main point shit popped off in the best way #essays #thomas pynchon #walter benjamin #the crying of lot 49 #*

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lovedinapastlife · 5 years

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Riverdale React s3e6: Manhunter

Cult recruitment in class and masturbation as an alibi. Only on Riverdale.

First of all, Jughead and Betty look like Archie just told them he’s gonna use their bunker to bang Veronica. Do you see that consternated sweat and her far-off look? Wow. Serious business.

So of course Sheriff Minetta doesn’t go to the person he KNOWS is involved because her dad saw her there (Veronica) and instead asks TWO questions of the whole class. This town’s police force. Seriously.

Reggie seems like he’s dealt with interrogations ENOUGH for one lifetime haha. Maybe him and Jug trade tips for evading abusive parents and being caught doing nefarious activities

Aw, he kissed her brain. I am WEAK. WEAK, I say!

Ooh is this the Terrible Parents Club? I think Fred Andrews and Tom Keller are the only ones who haven't done something awful to their kids like PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE WITH LIES. And actual fists! Also, Sierra, why are you sitting with Mantle when your future hubs is at the bar?

Hiram’s “none of your business” was hilarious though, especially considering it’s a life or death situation directly related to him. Daryl Doiley loved Penelope and wanted to ascend? Did NOT get those vibes in the flashback, and Alice seemed to notice A LOT of people hooking up. Penelope seemed to like Sierra and macked on Fred in front of Doiley soooo yeah.

I want them to replace all the Archie flyers with the infamously bad black hood flyers. "Have you seen this man?" Serial killer lettering and extremely not useful pictures, like Archie as a baby or wearing his football helmet

What the heck is on his refrigerator? Is that pic on the bottom right Jughead EATING? Like they can’t just look over and see him doing it all the time? They can print a zoomed in photo of Hot Dog but not Betty? And is that...FP and Gladys on top even though she’s been gone forever? Someone zoom in so I don’t strain my eyes trying to make sure that Juggie was consuming something edible. Also yay for B checking on her man without being summoned

“SERPENTS DON’T SHIV SERPENTS!” God, Joaquin. It’s like an UNSPOKEN rule. Let’s pull this switchblade on you though. Pretty sure you defected to Gargoyle Gang so it’s ok. (although did anyone else hear Fangs gently shushing Joaquin that it’d be okay? my heart is broken)

Hiram’s definitely looking for the panic button to get Jughead out of his office. Or he’s already pushed it and is thinking, “WRONG LEVER, KRONK!”

Did anyone else think it was sweet that Hermione's password is always Veronica's birthday? But damn, girl, clean up your desktop! Hiram could literally name a document “SECRET EVIL PLAN” and you'd still spend five minutes scanning for it. Daughter follows daddy’s plans to jail. Ironic, no?

Betty brings a pen AND paper for her interrogation like a proper detective, unlike Jug who just brings a marker and a knife. Also Betty’s face is my face when Keller implies she should be grateful he never bothered with a real murder investigation because it’s POSSIBLE someone she knows like her mom could’ve been the murderer. This town is like 200 people total! Do your JOB, man! No wonder Hal had no qualms stealing his case files.

Wish Kevin wasn’t babysitting Archie so he could help. At least HE’S pragmatic and could assist the investigation. Was I the only one thinking, “Maybe you shouldn’t get your DNA all over a murder scene, Archibald?” But his mental capacity is about that of a teaspoon most days. Later when Fred’s standing where Archie was I felt SO BAD. Think of your daddy, Archie! Think of Vegas! They want to go with you! Tom + Kevin’s hug is so good later. Good dad moments! Hugs are good! I want more!

Joaquin! Nooooo! My Joavin plans are RUINED by this beautiful, super flawed pawn being sacrificed on the altar of storytelling. I mean, hopefully kissing Archie was worth it? RIP

Sierra and Veronica have matching cat smiles and I love it. Let’s take down the establishment!

Oh no no no nooo shadow man (in retrospect, was that FP being weird and trying to see if the lights were on in Betty’s bedroom?) LOVE the Scream throwbacks with Skeet but can we stop hugging Falice and go get the gargoyle king?! A buncha branches shouldn’t be able to run that fast!

Why does Veronica wear capes with dresses? They have no pockets. Where is your chapstick, let alone your phone? I love how it’s dark in this super expensive penthouse and Hermione and Hiram are just casually drinking in formalwear with murderers and a drug/death game about and Hermione’s like, “Hm? You were in jail? I thought you said you were going ‘out?’ WHY AM I OUT OF THE LOOP?”

Wouldn’t Polly protest Betty’s incarceration at Sisters of Quiet Mercy? And wouldn’t B know the way out anyways? Ugh the plot devices. And then to have Jughead be trying to call her as she's being taken away. How dare you, drama. I have faith in Betty and her bobby-pin picking abilities. She needs a frickin’ emancipation, as do half the kids in the show. Let’s burn Quiet Mercy down with Cheryl and Toni roasting marshmallows over the flames.

Veronica got CUPCAKES, Archie. The least he could do is show up! Oh the dramatic phone drop! That was rough. Archie’s an idiot and does not deserve such a good investigative team/support group atm. Isn't V confused that Betty didn't show up for her friend? I feel like B would be the first person besides her lawyer that she’d call after successfully snooping and to celebrate with cupcakes. I need my B+V scenes!

Looks like we’ll be getting some Jughead and Archie bro scenes instead which is like, FINE, WHATEVER, and eye roll worthy from the previews for 3x7. I’m guessing Jughead is just assuming Betty has not been abducted by murderous parents or the Gargoyle King in her investigation. It makes me mad that he endorses running away from his problems and other people. HAVE NEITHER OF YOU LEARNED THINGS? Go back to school!

I imagine the Gargoyle King poses “nude” for these art classes at Quiet Mercy. Someone send me fan art. Or don’t. I don’t know if I handle it. What do you think?

#riverdale reaction #riverdale react #3x6 #riverdale #incorrect riverdale quotes #manhunt #riverdale season 3 #riverdale spoilers

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overlordofthelollipopguild · 6 years

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What shows apart from OUAT would you recommend?

Oooh I love this ask. Okay, I have a lot of shows i love, so I’m going to choose my top four of all time….I think…other than OUAT.

One Day at a Time (Netflix, 2017-Present): A comedy featuring a Cuban-American family. But wait, it’s more than just a comedy? It’s a show that has good representation and touches on real issues? Hells yeah, sign me up.

Why is this show good? Because it’s freaking lit. Okay, two seasons on Netflix right now, and let me tell you: Amazing show. The characters are fantastic. You have POC representation, LGBT representation, real single mom struggles, teenage struggles, the struggle for accepting yourself for who you are (whether it be trying to figure out if you are gay or accepting that you are mentally ill and will always have that illness). Like Penelope Alvarez (Jutina Machado deserves all of the awards ever) is a fantastic supportive mom who is also still trying to figure out the things she wants in life, Elena is the gay teenage daughter who’s just starting to figure out life, Alex (Papito!) is the son who’s just too pure, Schnieder the awkward former drug addict/alcoholic who really becomes family, Leslie is Penelope’s awkward older boss who just….like you want him to be happy, and then finally….the icon, the myth, the legend Lydia Riera (portrayed by the iconic Rita Moreno) who is Penelope’s mother who is just integral to the show. So 20/10 recommend.

Lucifer (Fox, 2015-Present): The Devil is living it up in Los Angeles, but after a murder in front of his club, he meets and partners himself up with Detective Chloe Decker. Another cop procedural? Hell no.

Why is it good? It’s a different take on the devil and actually makes him sympathetic, it has a strong female lead, and as the show grows so does the cast which is pretty equal between men and women. Chloe’s a full time mom and full time cop and a badass who doesn’t take Lucifer’s shit, but learns to accept him as a partner. Also Mazikeen is freaking awesome. The female characters are actually pretty well rounded and all have different personalities, but also get along fabulously. Lucifer’s family also tends to show up lol. Also half the cast is POC, like yes please. To be honest I am behind on this show, but I still think it’s worth a watch, and I have got to catch up.

Charmed (WB, 1998-2006): All right this is an old one, but I’m putting on because I have sentimental reasons. This show helped me when I needed something to hold on to at a time when I was very lonely. It’s a show about three sisters who find out that they are witches.

Why is it good?: At it’s core, it’s about sisterhood and family. It also developed a unique fantasy mythology. You have three sisters that all struggle with balancing their lives between normal and magical. They also find out more secrets of their family’s past including: the history of a few ancestors, their mother’s affair, why their father left, a half-sister, and so on. There’s magic, romance, good vs evil, and family above all else. They go through a lot in 8 seasons, and each season has it’s pros and cons and some characters can be…problematic (personally my fave is season 6, but that’s because Chris is my favorite character). All in all it’s a magical show and you will fall in love with the characters. It will always hold a very special place in my heart, and to be honest, if you’ve heard of the CW Charmed Reboot and want to watch, I recommend watching this show first.

The Good Place (NBC, 2016-Present): Eleanor is dead, and so is everyone else. They all made it to The Good Place, a version of the afterlife. The problem? Eleanor isn’t suppose to be there….

Why is it good? Well rounded characters that develop deep friendships and relationships. There’s Eleanor, our main girl, who is a terrible person, but also really wants to learn to be good. Chidi…oh Chidi….so pure, cinnamon roll, I adore him. He is an ethics professor who tries to teach Eleanor to be good. Tahani, you think is gonna be an alpha bitch, but like no? I mean she comes off that way at first but there’s more to her. Jason….oh bless him. Jason is a sweetheart, but the first bit of season 1, he never talks, and there’s a very good reason for it. Janet is also very cool and tries to be more human. Michael, oh what to say about Michael. He’s like so desperate for his “Good Place” to work out. You’ll never see the twist at the end of season 1 coming or I didn’t, but maybe I was too distracted by my love for all of these characters.

Other Recommendations: Black-ish, The West Wing, Grace and Frankie, Star Trek (like pick any of them but TOS is really the heart and core of the franchise), Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Father Brown, Call the Midwife, Broadchurch (BBC), The Doctor Blake Mysteries, Death in Paradise, Parks and Recreation, Brooklyn-99, The Alienist, like I know there are more shows that I am forgetting because I watch way too much tv lol.

Willing to answer anything that comes in ask right now

#one day at a time #lucifer #charmed #the good place #tv shows #odaat #lucifer fox #overlord answers

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makeshift-muses · 6 years

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1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 18, 22. For Penny & Kitty XD because I want your head cannons

Their physical weak spots

Penelope is a character who is very agile rather than phsyically strong. She will fight with a jar of jam, and struggle with heavy items. But this is why you have magic, to make your life easier. You can only spend so much time with such small things.

Kitty is also agile, but a bit more physically strong as well. It is probably due to her continious involvement in sport and that she actually works out on a regular basis. Though Kitty’s big physical weak-spot would perhaps be that she is very concerned about her appearance? She always wants to look good, and strives to achieve this.

Their emotional/moral weak spots

Penelope is a very strong, effervescent, delightful and loud person. But in turn this leaves her very emotionally voulnerable. If she puts her heart in the hands of the wrong person, or if she puts her trust with someone who didn’t really deserve it. In the aftermath she is very devestated and has a hard time forgiving them. She does carry grudges, for ages and ages, and it takes time for her to heal again.

Kitty’s big emotional/moral weakspot, is the moral greyzone. The world is more than black and white and Kitty knows this. People aren’t just good and bad. They are far much more. She is far better than Penelope at traversing in the social rules and aspects of life, and although harrying herself with class and confidence, she is generally cunning, and a bit distrustful. Her biggest weakness would perhaps be that she has some real difficulties letting people in. It makes it hard to keep true friendships, and leaves her feeling lonely sometimes.

Scars or painful spots

Penelope has a few scars from childhood playtime, much like Kitty. They were rowdy children and only had brothers so it could get pretty messy and rhough. Mudslinging, quidditch, magic…. Though Penelope’s most memorable scar for her, was one she got during the first wizard war. When attempting to save a group of wizard from death-eaters. They lived, she got a bad cut on her leg. Luckily is quite pale and after years of healing and some creams and magic, it is barely visisble.

Kitty has a few sore spots. One being a somewhat wonky elbow. After years of sports it is only natural get a few sports-related injuries. Wear and tear really. Though with godo care and training she does alright. She also has a scar from the first war as well. Where she fought off a couple of werewolves, whilst assisting children to safety. The scar,luckily was not from the werewolf, but instead cause she tripped over a rather large boulder and ended up hitting her hand pretty hard.

Guilty pleasures

I think the sisters share a lot of guilty pleasures. Reading smut-books. Wine. Occasionall sauce gossip. Even as grown ups it is fun. Both know it is jus that, gossip. They are also investagatory by nature. So they should probably both have been detectives or aurors. Kitty likes a night out on town more, while Penny prefers a more quiet dinner with friends and alcohol type of solution.

Their tickle spots

Penelope: Under the curve of her feet

Kitty: Under her arms

Things they’ll never admit

Penelope has big issues admitting when she is very fond of someone (see: being in love) she doesn’t know how to handle being in love very well. Doesn’t know what to say. Feels like a ripe idiot when she tries and has sort of just thrown in the towel on dealing with dating-life.

Kitty: Kitty is a more complex woman in many ways. SHe , since she is who she is, and works with what she works with, and has the ocnnection she does. There are plenty of things she has done, or others have done, that she may never speak of. It can be due to their private nature to others, or that they have been mildly criminal. She is however a good woman and a good person and will never hold back anything that’s hurtful or terrible towards others.

People who’ve influenced them greatly

This one I think has several layers. I picture both the girls heavily influenced by their female role-models. Strong women. Survivors. Not all magical. They taught them well and they given them good perspectives on life and other people.

Penelope is also more inspired by the subtle, under the radar tactics. A bit more passive,a bit more quiet, despite her loud persona. It throws people off and most people don’t know what happened until it is far too late.

Kitty is more ‘all business’ about such things, but also subtle. Know how to play the field and the rules. Bend them, twist them, pull them. And she does it well. She is a helluva person to stand across if you challenge her.

(I also don’t know enough about magical personalities to choose an idol for them) @ianazavi @kittyhasclaws

#[ About: Penelope Plunkett ]#[ About: Kitty Plunkett ]

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shirtlesssammy · 7 years

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Repo Man: 7x15 Recap

Oh wow, hello episode that Boris saw...once. For all its Ben Edlund glory, this episode never made it into the rewatch rotation for me. I don’t know why, other than I was impatient for Cas to reappear and didn’t want to pick apart the subtextual story it was telling (who am I kidding, I didn’t watch the show for the subtext the first time around and this was an episode during the Cas-less wasteland.)

Then:

Sam continues to rock the brooding attractiveness of being haunted by the devil.

Now:

Four Years Ago:

In Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, Ms. Havelock approaches a remote cabin, where Sam reluctantly welcomes her inside. It seems the Brothers Winchester have caught themselves a demon. (If I do my math correctly, this is circa season 3? Prior to Dean going to hell? Augh, this hurts to watch knowing how much hell breaks Dean.) The demon and Ms. Havelock exchange pleasantries. Ms. Haverlock has her say and takes off. The boys are left to torture the demon out of any information he has on Lilith. The demon decides to let Jeffrey, the possessed man, make an appearance.

Jeffrey pleads with the brothers to stop the demon. Sam tells him that they will, but they need information first, which means possibly hurting Jeffrey. He agrees, remembering the awful things the demon made him do. The demon takes over, and Dean starts slicing. They get the info they need, and exorcise the demon.

The Impala makes a cameo in the flashback as Dean drives Jeffrey to the E.R. Without ceremony, and an order to not mention demons, Dean drops him off and leaves. Oh Jeffery.

Now:

Ah, season 7. Dean gets a call from Frank Devereaux and Sam gets a brain visit from Lucifer. Sam’s still able to use the hand wound trick to make Luci disappear, thankfully. He then lays out their case on the bed. Same as four years ago, and Dean wonders who let their demon out of the great underground. Well, time to reopen the case.

*Dean is asleep in pajamas in bed alert*

(Ok, it’s not really an alert, we just never see him actually sleep or get comfortable in bed, so this was nice.)

Anyway, the police radio lights up a crime. The Winchesters are on the case. Once on the scene, the detective they worked with in the past recognizes Agents Bonham and Watts. They need their memories jogged for Detective Sutton’s name. Anyway, Sam finds sulfur at the scene (duh).

Sam and Dean decide to check in on Ms. Havelock. She seems fine, just unable to walk through her newly painted demon trap. (I don’t know how this episode ends...she’s possessed, right?) (Natasha: I vaguely remembered this one but still thought...why didn’t you just make your trap a leeeetle bit bigger so it would actually block the whole doorway? Otherwise those demons are just gonna sidle past like you just did.) She says she’s doing what she can to protect herself. Sam wonders if she’s had any contact with the demon. She says no and tells them that she’s leaving town soon. She then asks about Jeffrey. Some demons can be sentimental. Time to find that poor bastard.

Jeffrey is at a half-way home, and he’s adopting a dog. OMG, Jeffrey, I’m sorry I only watched your episode once. Your story hurts me. When picking up his new buddy, he hears a noise from an alley and decides to investigate. No, Jeffrey! Well, it’s just Sam and Dean, so that’s something. But still, let this poor injured man enjoy his life with his new canine companion.

They all head back to Jeffrey’s home (Luci too!).

Dean “I’m homeless and carless and have NOTHING IN THIS WORLD” Winchester has the nerve to mock Jeffrey’s living quarters. Jeffrey wonders what they want with him, and Dean tells him that the demon that possessed him is back. This really upsets Jeffery. Jeffrey Bean! (Ack, doesn’t work as well when it doesn’t rhyme.) Jeffrey asks what the last victim’s name was, and then tells the brothers who the next one on the list is. It seems the demon has a kill list, and he repeated it enough for Jeffrey to remember.

Someone knocks on Jeffrey’s door, and he goes to answer it. It’s his group leader. Sam and Dean, meanwhile, agree they really messed up the poor guy (but they didn’t --the demon did. Gah, the weight of responsibility of both of them hurts me so much). Sam heads out to find the next woman on the demon’s list, while Dean stays behind to watch over Jeffrey.

*Library Alert*

Ngl, they knocked this set out of the park. The unnecessary signage alone! And Marjorie Willis? I mean, *I* don’t dress like that but MY GOD is that a perfect representation of ALL my colleagues (Natasha is also an exception.) They do have Marjorie shelving though and that is not something she would do. Yep, we’ve reached the unnecessary portion of the recap where Boris nitpicks representations of her profession.

Sam settles in to watch his charge, Lucifer along for the ride.

Back at Jeffrey’s, Jeffrey fills Dean in on his life since the demon possession. He had a hard time of it --especially when he started to talk about what happened. “Never tell. Never... never., “ Dean retroactively warns. He does compliment Jeffrey on pulling himself together, but the demon is back. Jeffrey recalls a place where the demon nested (anyone getting weird Eugene Tooms vibes with that?)

At the library, Lucifer decides to mess with Sam’s mind by having him imagine patrons bash their heads into their study tables. Graphic. I mean, there’s like fleshy brain/head bits. Neutralizing Lucifer with his hand trick, Sam notices a Bad Boy™ with a leather jacket in the library.

Dean and Jeffrey arrive at the demon’s nest, conveniently with no cell coverage.

Back at the library Sam stalks the leather-jacketed suspect to the back of the library where...he finds one Madame Librarian getting thoroughly snogged in the “discontinued periodicals.” Peeping Sam slinks away…

Meanwhile, Dean’s led to Jeffrey’s demon’s hideaway. Dean breaks inside and finds a young man tied to a chair, dirty and bloodied. Dean runs up and begins to work on his chains when the guy wakes up. He starts to shout through his duct-taped mouth, eyes wide, and then Jeffrey springs up behind Dean and injects him with something. It’s lights out for our Dean Bean.

Sam continues to valiantly ignore a SUPER annoying Hallucifer and the dimples of discontent make an appearance as he examines his phone. He can’t get in touch with Dean. Gee, I hope everything is alright! Sam examines the toxicology report. The victims were all heavily tranquilized...odd for a demon to have to trank it’s victims, right? While Sam mulls this over and tries to ignore Hallucifer’s sterling conclusions, I try to ignore the unprofessional librarian making out with her faux biker boyfriend at her public desk. Sam snaps at Hallucifer to “shut up” as they both reach conclusions about super creeper Jeffrey...and Hallucifer preens at the attention. Now they can have a real two way conversation. (Muahahaha)

Sam infiltrates Jeffrey’s apartment, tearing it apart while Hallucifer thrills over getting to play Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys with Sam. Sam finds drugs and a fake bottom drawer. The false bottom drawer has a latin incantation hidden inside of it. Sam puzzles over the incantation and Hallucifer patiently walks him through it. Sam’s never seen that type of demon summoning spell before, but he has seen that handwriting!

Sam breaks into Nora’s witchcraft business where she attacks him. Hallucifer tells Sam to get tough and he threatens her…which gets her to talk. (Oh, Sam.) She finally confesses that she wrote the summoning spell for Jeffrey because he kidnapped her son, mailed her his ear, and told her she had to help him or her son would die. Jeffrey’s trying to raise up the demon who first possessed him. (Boris interjects: MAN, I’m such a sucker. I had the whole Tooms vibe feeling but still believed Jeffrey. You’d think I could read this show better after all these years, but nope.)

Back at Jeffrey’s creepy warehouse, he confesses that he loved being possessed. He loved his demon very, very much. Dean’s all SON OF A BITCH and YOU’RE A SERIAL KILLER and ALAS THE TERRIBLE NATURE OF MANKIND.

Dean asks Jeffrey if the list of women the demon killed came from him. Jeffrey owns up to it, confessing that whenever he passed by a certain woman on his list a sound would come from their brains that only he could hear. He’d follow them home and...you know the rest. (So creepy.)

Jeffrey had no plans to ever do anything until his demon came along. Once he was possessed, they set to killing together. After the demon was exorcised, Jeffrey descended into a deep depression until he gained the resolve to get the demon back.

Back with Sam, he learns why Jeffrey has Dean. When the first ritual Nora gave him didn’t work, she found a summoning spell that would definitely work. It required the blood of the exorcist - Dean. Sam commands her to do a tracking spell. “You want the ear,” he demands, “or the kid?” A compelling argument. It gave Hallucifer chills - so Sam’s definitely doing just A+ fine.

Jeffrey does some side exploration of the nature of torture and how good the Winchesters can be given the amount they tortured Jeffrey while he was possessed. It’s a pretty fucking good point (though it doesn’t get much follow-through here). It’s just more fuel for the Dean Winchester self loathing train.

Jeffrey does the summoning spell and the demon busts loose, possessing Nora’s son instead. He busts out of his chains, grins smarmily at Dean, and then hug/dances Jeffrey around the room. Jeffrey invites him to possess him but the demon tells him that he’s a protege and he’s free to fly on his own now. When Jeffrey isn’t down with the solo plan, the demon smacks him down.

Jeffrey captured a Winchester. He’s ready for the big leagues now. “Keep sawing away at your ropes Penelope Pitstop,” the demon tells struggling Dean. Jeffrey’s ready to fly on his own so the demon’s gonna make other plans. And the demon’s gonna “burn the kid off” on his way to Vegas.

Suddenly Sam is there! He fights the demon and lures him into a devil’s trap that Sam and Nora painted on the ceiling. Dean, meanwhile, finally busts free and when Jeffrey tries to head into the fray Dean shoots him dead. The witch performs an exorcism and saves her son.

Dean and Sam head into their hotel room. Dean all but passes out on the bed while Sam sits around quietly talking through the case. Sam prepares to sleep as well but Hallucifer murmurs in his ear. Now that the case is solved it’s time for them to talk. Sam tries to massage his injured hand (and by “massage” I mean practically reinjure) but nothing works. Now that Sam talked to Hallucifer he let him in. Now he can’t get rid of him. As we leave Sam, Hallucifer’s making Sam’s bed burn around him.

“Goooood morning Vietnam,” Hallucifer shouts, delighted. His cackle fades into black...

I love you madly, madly Madame Quotarian:

You ain’t the first demon we tracked down on this safari.

Librarian, indoor gardening enthusiast, our demon's next organ donor.

Right here in my discontinued periodicals.

Name. Number. Nightmare. Go.

“Sorry. Just had to make sure.” “Make sure of what – that I peed my pants today?”

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

#spn recap #spn rewatch #spn 7x15 #repo man #dean winchester #sam winchester #Hallucifer #supernatural season 7 #he was my ben edlund thing

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stargleeksil-blog · 7 years

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Criminal Minds s02e12 Profiler, Profiled review - or more aptly named, the episode where I totally lose my shit over Shemar Moore/Derek Morgan/whatever the fuck he wants to name himself because this man is perfection and I think I found my soulmate and I don’t care that he’s 21 years my senior.

Episode 12 – Profiler, Profiled

Okay, okay, okay. So I’m a little bit excited about this one. I admit, I was naughty and I went a bit on IMDB and oh my god we’re getting a background story on my chocolate Adonis! Oh my god, I’m so happy I could cry.

Okay, okay. Cooling it down. Because it’s Criminal Minds, so it may just be something awful, and I really don’t want to think about that either.

Let’s see what happens.

Oh my god, Spencer just waiting on that battery holder is just the most precious thing ever! Ic an’t with Gubler! I love you! Even his high-pitched excited voice is the cutest thing ever.

Oh my god! It just went off like a rocket and hit Emily straight in the forehead!!!!!!!!!

I can’t with this show. It is so beyond amazing. I love it!

“Don’t you recognize a rocket when you see one?” Penelope, you bad, bad girl.

“It will not do you any good to argue with him.”

Hahahaha, oh my god, Emily’s excitement level is amazing.

And of course it lands at Hotchner’s feet.

“Really starting to get some distance on those.” Did Aaron Hotchner just make a joke?

Awwww! My babycakes is such a momma’s boy and he goes every year to Chicago for his mom’s birthday? I love him. I love him. I can’t stress this enough – I LOVE DEREK MORGAN!

Wait. Whose grave is Derek standing at?

Okay. Derek doing shopping with a woman is too hot.

And those guys look like trouble. Just because Derek is on red alert. Okay? Just because of that.

Desiree, listen to Derek.

Why is that guy always taking pictures of him? I mean, I’d be sweet on Derek, too, but come on. That’s a bit stalkery.

And Desiree better watch her back with this Rodney and his thugs, ugh, I hate them already.

Why is he dogging on Damian? He’s just as good as James. They’re just kids. That’s not nice.

Hey! What the hell? They’re friends, come on.

I love Derek interacting with kids. It’s the most precious thing ever.

That old guy looks awful. Ugh. I really don’t like him.

Awwww!!!! So they are half-and-half? I love them so much. He has two sisters. Turns out he can’t cook for his life. And he’s still his mom’s baby boy. I love Derek so much.

Wait. Is that a dead boy? Is that Damien? Oh my god.

Oh my god, Derek is the most thoughtful being on the planet. He got a remote starter for his momma’s car so it would be nice and warm when she steps out to get into it? Oh my god.

Oh my god, she’s already hounding on him for grandbabies? Oh that is precious.

I hate the look on that man’s face.

Wait what?

He’s gonna arrest Derek? For what? He thinks he killed Damian? What the fuck is going on here?

Oh my god, baby boy, don’t worry, everyone will come and help you. I swear it. Or I’m gonna get in there and kick some ass.

Cory Doctorow: “All secrets are deep. All secrets become dark. That’s in the nature of secrets.” Whoa. That just became scary. Is Derek’s past scary? I don’t want to be scared by my hunk of chocolatey goodness.

So they already called Hotch? Above Derek’s head? That’s not right.

Come on Hatch, rally the troops, and head to Illinois. Come on!

“Slept like a baby myself. Didn’t even wanna get out of bed.” “Really. So that wasn’t your donut-eatin’ ass on the other side of that glass all night, then, huh?” oh Derek, I love you so much, but you need to be careful.

Also, apparently him and Gordinski go way back to Derek’s youth? Was Derek a bad boy that had to be punished? Oh boy.

So that’s the guy who’s been following Derek? Damn.

What. He gave the kid a ride home and he was killed? Oh shit.

They think he killed Damien? No!

God, I hate Gordinski already.

What? A profile Gideon put together led Gordinski to Morgan? No. No.

Oh my god, so by just being an amazing person, Morgan accidentally put himself directly as the main suspect for the profile that Gideon put together for Gordinski? I knew I hated that fat old white man.

Wait. So he saw his father dead at the age of ten? Oh my baby boy! I love you so much!

And he just stumbled on the dead body, my poor baby.

He collected money to bury the kid. And he just put the date on the headstone cuz he never knew who he was. And every time he comes home to Chicago he visits him. Damn.

Hold up, let’s do math. Derek was 15 in 1991. It’s 2006 when this episode airs. Quick math here. They made Derek six years younger than Shemar. He’s 30 now, in season 2, I mean. Dang.

Oh god, he had a criminal record? Oh my baby.

And this Gordinski is definitely desperate to nail Derek’s ass to the wall. And I wish that was a fun way to describe him being hot for him.

“Okey-doke,” oh Emily, I love you so very much.

Aaron Hotchner just called Morgan a suspect. No. Uh-uh. Not happening. Not on my watch. Clean that mouth, Hotch.

Wait. It was expunged. Derek is right. Hotchner had no right to bring it to him and start accusing him. Scratch that, Gordinski had no right to bring this to Hotch or Gideon.

Victimology? Are you kidding me? Check your mouth, Hotch.

Oh wow. Shemar is the most amazing actor ever! He just went into panic mode. And I love him so much. I love Derek, I love Shemar, I love those guys for making this series and hiring him.

Hey, Sarah, no need to use that language in Momma Morgan’s house, kay?

Reid, you’re not helping the case here. Just shut the fuck up.

“He’s not actually saying we believe Derek’s involved in this.” Emily to the rescue. Lol. And Reid’s like, totally backpedaling and going – “speaking theoretically.” Oh my god, I love those two.

Aw! Derek talks about him? Baby!!!!!

Ooh, Sarah is feisty. I love her.

Okay, I feel bad about poking into Derek’s life, too, Garcia, but if you don’t do this, he’s going away, and we can’t have that, now can we, baby girl? Aw, he graduated college with honors, he was a star athlete, injured his knee, wait, I thought Shemar injured it in baseball? Maybe they changed Derek’s story. I don’t know. And then there’s the whole bit on finding the body in 1991. Yikes.

Wait. Derek’s dad tried to stop a robbery, was shot, and Derek was with him, and watched him die? What? What the actual fucking fuck? Oh my poor baby, I love you for evermore.

Carl Buford? He runs the youth center. Mentored Derek. Hmm. I’m suspicious.

Oh Garcia, you special precious snowflake. Unseal the file, you are trying to help angel fish, okay? Helping him.

Hold up, the guy who recommended that the case be thrown out of court, an upstanding member of the community, on whose recommendation Derek’s files have been expunged, has just walked into the CPD with Damien’s mother? Well, that’s a coincidence.

Good. Gideon told Morgan the truth. Great. But Gordinski had preconception of guilt. Ugh.

I’m totally with Derek. When you work with people so much and you’re practically living in each other’s asses with how close you have to be to each other, the one thing you’re desperate for is a private life. I’m totally in agreement. Find the fucker who killed Damien and those other boys and lock him the fuck up.

Wow, Buford’s office is pretty decorated. Yikes.

Aww, James is so cute!

So after hearing about Derek, they just take the detective’s word for it, and he feels terrible about helping him get those files expunged? Buford, you are one asshole.

So this Gordinski asshole is telling everyone that he has multiple evidence to convict Derek, even though there is none, and they just take his word for it. You sick, sad, fat, asshole. I’m fat, too, but this is about hate. Okay? I spent the last month or so falling in love with Derek, with his incredible character that this show has built, and now this asshole is coming in and trying to take it all away from me, I want to tear him piece by piece, till I get down to his very core and just take a steak knife and stab him in wherever it hurts, but still keep everything that makes him feel working so he can feel it.

Oh my god, I am so sorry you guys! That last phrase was totally out of line. I know Derek is a fictional character, but I get emotionally attached to Shemar in whatever he does. And I guess it got to me more than I thought. I’m sorry!

“Derek had a way of charming people into looking past his deficiencies.”

Okay, that’s enough. It’s official. I hate Carl Buford. Derek is perfect! Okay? Even his deficiencies are perfect, and you can go rot in hell, you sad, twisted old man. I bet you had everything to do with this and I can’t wait to find out what you did. You ASSHOLE!

Oh shit. I’m sorry again! Fuck. What is wrong with me?

Oh my freaking goodness. Derek’s terrified face when he heard Carl’s name. I KNEW IT! Shit. I am going to stab that little … oh my god! Here I go again! What the fuck! Oh my god, Criminal Minds has totally twisted with my brain, just because they hired this perfect chocolate bonbon that I just want to … okay, this is gonna escalate into something NSFR (Not Suitable For Reading) real quick if I don’t get a grip on myself.

11 minutes till the episode ends. *Deep breaths* I can do this.

I am seriously scared right now. How the hell did that name get Derek so worked up? Damn.

Wait what? Derek escaped? Oh damn.

So now he’s an escaped convict. Fuck.

Sneaky Morgan is hot.

Wait. Buford took him on trips? Oh no. Oh no. Please no.

Oh shit. He took all the star players to a cabin. Up in Wisconsin. For ‘fishing’. Oh honey, no, no, no.

Shit. Buford fucking molested Derek as a kid? Oh my god, my baby! I am going to kill that fucking Carl and shove my fist so far up his ass….

Oh god. Shemar is such an amazing actor, I can’t even deal with all of those emotions I’m having right now.

Carl, you fucking bastard. Please let Derek at him.

Oh my god, Derek is about to cry, and he’s crying, and I can’t handle this! I can’t! oh shit. This is the one thing I thought I’d never have to see, and I love him and I can’t handle watching people I love cry.

“You could have said no.” Really? Really Carl? You are going down. And I am not even sorry for seeing this.

I love you Shemar, Derek, whoever, both of you. Oh my god.

Oh my god, that last scene at the graveyard nearly broke me. So beautiful.

PAH.

Okay, had to get that out, sorry. This episode was just one emotional roller coaster, and I fucking hate those shitty things, what pleasure can you derive from going against gravity’s will and just hanging upside down in mid-air strapped to something that could just as easily let you escape and fall and plummet to death?

So. We found out more about Derek’s past, and sure, it’s dark as his delicious lickable skin, but it just makes me love his character even more! I love him so fucking much! He’s a family man, a good man, and I love him forever. Now. Let’s talk about Shemar fucking Moore for just one hot damn second. This is probably the best fucking thing I’ve ever seen in my entire damn life. What the fuck do they teach them in California in acting school? Cuz hot damn! He just had me emotionally involved with just his expressive eyes and his facial expressions and his yummy body and just … everything. But maybe that’s me, cuz I get attached to the eyes quickly. That’s why I fell in love with Darren Criss in season 2 episode 16 of Glee when Blaine finally realized he was in love with Kurt. But that’s beside the point. My whole point is – I LOVE THIS SHOW AND I LOVE SHEMAR AND I LOVE DEREK AND I LOVE THIS AMAZING THING THAT I FOUND ABOUT THROUGH MY BROTHER AND I WANT TO THANK HIM FOR ETERNITY AND I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT THE OTHER EPISODES AND SEASONS HAVE IN STORE.

Till next time XD <3

#criminal minds #s02e12 #profiler profiled #aaron hotchner #thomas gibson #jason gideon #mandy patinkin #derek morgan #shemar moore #jennifer jareau #aj cook #spencer reid #matthew gray gubler #penelope garcia #kirsten vangsness #emily prentiss #paget brewster #chocolate adonis #babycakes

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goodboicerberus · 5 years

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The Perfect Partner

Someone recently asked me what my perfect romantic partner would be like (although not in so many words). The problem is, that’s an impossible question.

Honestly, I don’t believe in the perfect partner. The Romantics have done this world a terrible disservice in causing us to believe in “the one.” One could write a book on this problem alone (and maybe I will, some day), but suffice to say I don’t believe in a destiny rigid enough for “the one” to be an accurate moniker for only one person in someone’s life. It seems more likely that a number of people could be your “one,” under the right circumstances and, more importantly, with effort. No one is going to waltz into your life and solve all your problems.

Not every person has the potential to be one of “the one(s),” of course, regardless of the amount of effort you exert. At the most base level of qualifications, a perfect partner would be captivating. For me, that means a layered person: someone who constructs themselves the way Penelope does her shroud, simultaneously weaving and unraveling. Someone who is a puzzle and every time I think I finally have all the pieces, I find another buried in the couch cushions. Basically, someone who explores themselves and the world, filling the shelves of their personality with souvenirs along the way. I really wish I could remember who said it, but...(it goes something like:) [everyone is interesting, for a time. Some people are interesting for five minutes, and some for five years. The trick is to find those who remain interesting for a lifetime.]

I would want my perfect partner to be flawed. Partly, this is a selfish impulse: I am far from perfect, and it would be crushing for my self-esteem to have a flawless partner. I don’t want to feel broken in comparison. Obviously everyone has imperfections, but I’m talking about tears in the fabric, not lint balls. Maybe it’s coincidence, but I have found that the people who bear the most pain feel more deeply, more fully, with better perspective. To be clear, I’m not trying to romanticize problematic people. You need to own up to your own shit. But in a real partner, I need someone who understands. Someone who knows that my faults have nothing to do with them, just as theirs existed long before they knew me. I want that reciprocal relationship where, in spite of the frustration or exhaustion or sadness that sometimes comes with it, we choose to bear the consequences of one another’s imperfections. Where we know we are better for it, not out of the desire to be a saint or savior, but because we can help each other develop the strength to be better individuals.

And for the moments I am not so strong, I need a partner to believe in me. I need them to see me, really *see* me, especially when I don’t know how to see myself. For them to remind me of the parts of me that are worth loving, because I’m not always good at loving them myself. I know it’s not healthy or ideal to need someone to validate you. A romantic relationship certainly shouldn’t be the only way of validating yourself. But I know how it feels to crave praise in the face of silence, to have someone look right through you, to watch your words flutter away in the wind without ever reaching other ears...and that’s not enough. No matter how good I get at loving myself, I will never be able to simply believe the “I love you”s without any explanation. When those three words become a refrain, become something said without weight, I tend to start believing that the person saying them isn’t really talking about me. That the “you” is some construction they’ve built in their head, and that if they knew the truth, knew what I am really like, they would never say those words again.

That fear is all the more reason that transparency is on my list of necessary qualities. I need a partner who is willing to say something upsetting rather than lie about it. Upset is easy to fix; upset is a cut on the surface of the skin that I can clean out, stitch up, and heal from. I won’t even mind the scar. What I can’t deal with is mystery pain, which is what it feels like have constant doubt. You don’t even know if there’s a wound, but you feel the pain and spend all your time trying to get to the source, trying to find the problem. People lie to keep others from being hurt, and to keep themselves from being hurt. They like to think that the lies avoid conflict, avoid inflicting pain, when in reality lies only fester. But transparency is more than just honesty. It’s volunteering information without being asked for it. It’s choosing to address problems when they are noticed instead of staying silent. It’s taking a leap of faith and saying how you really feel even when you’re terrified to do so.

My last request probably should have been first, because it’s the start of it all: the spark. Oh yeah, I’m reaching peak corny, but I promise it’s important. I’ve fucked this one up more often than I care to admit. I’ve failed to recognize my emotions as valid or meaningful, because I have always used logic as armor to protect myself from getting hurt. And so, in seeming deafness to myself, I have tried to force chemistry, and I have also pretended it was there when it was not. I have put on a show to try to attract it, saying and doing the right things, exaggerating any glimmers of feeling in order to “have” what was not there. It’s almost like I have set the stage, queued the soundtrack, and seated the audience in the hopes that those things will substitute for the lack of a theater troupe.

I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve learned that no amount of logic can pick out the right partner. I used to believe it could all be decided by logic, by come incredibly complex yet still comprehensible equation. The emphasis was on balance: I am loud, they are quiet. I am demanding, they are accommodating. I am in the clouds, they are grounded. And yes, those things can work. Balance can be a good thing. But the hard truth of it is, objects that perfectly balance one another never really touch. By definition, they cannot connect. I’m never going to be able to find the perfect partner by parsing some equation. I’ve come to recognize that I’m simply not a slow burner. I can’t make the flames catch from a tiny ember hidden in a handful of grass. I either have a spark with someone from the start, or it will never appear.

I don’t know what else to call that feeling. After all, who can decide whether that kind of connection is of the body, the mind, or the soul, let alone put words to it? It’s the most basic thing on my list, so obvious that most would omit it. It’s completely and utterly up to chance, detected by feeling, and out of my control—all things that start both a panic and a thrill in me. That rare, electric connection is when two people hold each other and the rest of the world would melts away. It’s when their hurts recede, even if only for the moments spent in each other’s arms. It’s when their skin touches and nothing in the world feels more right. When magnets pull them together. When words escape otherwise tentative tongues. When longing feels miles deep. I need that, as simple and as complicated as needing it is.

#perfect partner #romantic partner #Romanticism #flaws #connection #validation #honesty #balance #dream woman #dream man #June 2019

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