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#Raine's daize

Anyone else have disturbing imagery pop into your mind for absolutely no reason? Like, walking down the hall just now, I imagined what would happen if I bit off half of my own tongue.

Also keep having imagery of peeling or slicing eyeballs.

What. The. FUCK??

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I’m behind on all four of my classes, I’m just plain tired of everything, I screwed up my sleep schedule, I felt nausous for some reason earlier, my dad keeps trying to tell me stuff, and the video lectures won’t load for me to even attempt to catch up.

How’s your… *checks day of the week*… Monday going?

… Oh stars, it’s only Monday.

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Me: I don’t appreciate the nail in my school picture.

Dad: It’s not yours, it’s mine.

Me: But I’m in it??

Dad: *finds more pics*

Dad: *carefully places nail in the very narrow edge of a photo’s border*

Also Dad: *completely disregards border and puts nail in his own head*

image
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My everything hurt: my eyes, my head, my back, my stomach. Didn’t take a break from working on school stuff for three hours, so I ate two mugs of peanut butter Cheerios, my vitamins, my matcha, and a sandwich. Fooled around with sister for an hour. Started laughing maniacally. I think I need sleep.

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So let me get this straight: I can feel imaginary insects on me 24/7, but I apparently don’t feel real mosquitos that have apparently bitten me for real?

I have bug bites that I don’t recall getting.

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My teeth hurt, my eyes are fatigued, and I’ve been scrolling and typing through Tumblr as fast as my fingers possibly can. I think I’m anxious and need to put the phone down.

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If I ever get a therapist and they start going through my Tumblr: hi! This is me from April 5th, 2020! Did I get better, or worse?

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So, I feel kinda hollow and disappointed because I’ve realized the DVD of my graduation isn’t being sold anywhere (not surprising, it’s been almost a year, though my mom has insisted she’ll find and buy it eventually) and the YouTube channel that has almost every graduation from my county is missing my school.

The speeches were beautiful and made me cry, but I don’t remember what they were about.

If I had know we were gonna sit for the first part, I would’ve recorded what I wanted in my phone, but no. I left my phone in my bra under my robe for the whole thing because I didn’t know when we were about to go up.

I go to school for 14.5 years and all I get is social awkwardness, stress, a piece of paper with my name on it, smeared makeup, and a graduation robe that was missing my school’s patch? School’s a fucking ripoff.

Now I’m in college, actually gonna make friends and go to events and take pictures, and become an adult independent of my family, and I’m now doing everything from home because of COVID-19.

There’s also the fact that I could’ve Googled stuff for free instead of paying hundreds of dollars for classes I’m not even going to. My semester-long bus pass, which was $104, is practically collecting dust.

School is a joke and so is my life.

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