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#Rant

now that im applying to college its weird because like, every single grade really really matters so now ive felt guilty for literal days about forgetting to turn in a math assignment i did, when even last year i would not have given a fuck bc ive always prided myself on at least not being someone who values grades over personal development but the fact that thats becoming less true while im trying to lock myself into a personality in order to apply to college is really not great atm. 

also my cat (who is about ten years old) has gotten really sick this last week. she’s been really thin for a couple of months now but she’s just been really upset and not eating or even really sleeping like she used to, and the doctors are thinking it might be cancer and i just. im not ready to lose her, even if im in the best mental state of my life rn i’m still not ready to let go since she’s been my longest friend and at times the only good thing in my life and i just want her to know that i love her so much but we’ve had to keep her locked in the laundry room for much of the past few days to clean up after her accidents and she’s just been crying so much that she can’t even meow sometimes, and she doesn’t understand what’s going on and so i feel so bad for her because i want her last years to be happy ones but i feel bad for me too. 

also i accidentally got added to a private chat between some of my friends and they started talking about how annoying i was and how it made them want to leave, but i don’t know if they saw that i had access and then started joking around or if they actually feel that way about me? i guess i had been annoying, these people are my newest friends who know about me through a mutual friend, but our mutual friend then had a falling out and left within a day of me joining, and i thought i could belong with this group but i guess they don’t want me now. i just wanted to participate and talk to them, i hate that i talk so much but i just don’t talk to people at school or at home and i think its undiagnosed social anxiety, but also i feel completely different every single day and it’s hard to maintain a consistent relationship with someone if you are constantly switching personalities. 

also i just started doing theater tech at school and i feel like i have screwed something up every single day ive been there. every time i go i feel like i take a huge hit to my confidence/ego just purely from not being as competent as i thought i was or even just having some sophomore asshole roll her eyes at me while i was doing my best to be friendly. 

also ive just realized the girl i have a crush on probably thinks im a piece of shit. this is because i have, in fact, been a piece of shit, because i broke up with my last girlfriend (a close friend of hers) over text. OVER TEXT. what kind of douchebag does that??? i thought i had a good reason for it at the time (i was “sCaReD” of her when really i was just scared of intimacy and being outed because of my parents views on homosexuality) but i know now that i mustve really hurt her feelings and probably made HER feel like shit when she had been so good and kind to me. 

also recently one of my friends started saying he was going to kill himself and so as someone whos been there i started saying all these things about how much we love him and how much he matters even if he cant see it and how it will get better for him once he moves out, hes just got to hold on for a few more years and he got really upset that i was so pushy and how it was just his humor even though i know he self-harms and i was really actually worried about him. he stopped talking to me and left our group chat (we dont live in the same town) and i just feel awful because hes just the nicest and sweetest guy but because of stuff he cant control his depression has turned him into this apathetic and emotionally detached kid and i dont know, i just dont want that for him or for me or for the countless other kids i know are feeling that way, and i just feel hopeless for our generation. its a scary time, and i just hope we will be able to save ourselves before our rights are taken away. 

im not living up to my parents expectations and they remind me every day. im not living up to my own expectations because i just want to be happy and im not. i just want to value myself and i cant because i dont have time. i want to live a life where im proud of what i do every day, not where im wondering how many more of my personal values i have to sacrifice in order to get by. fuck this. fuck 2020. love y’all tho

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Trigger Warning I’m pissed as hell (return of the asshole anons) and if that is gonna be a problem then do not read this post any further.

My message moderator just sent me a text exsplaining that she is quitting because of just how toxic the anons being sent have been. Which I 100% support her doing. She needs to focus on her mental health. I had to get a message moderator for the sake of my own.

Now having said that, I have seen some of the anons that have been sent. And I am beyond pissed. She did not owe you pushing your messages along to me. These messages are vile and horrible and disgusting.

She volunteered to do this job for me for free for the sake of my mental health and asked to remain anonymous to avoid you fuckers sending her the same hate only for you vile bastards to turn around and use my inbox to send her that hate.

And once I am able to get to my computer I am turning anons off permanently. There will be no turning them back on you disgusting abusive fucks.

Anyone wanting to send my former message moderator can do so through me because I am going to continue to respect her wishes to stay anonymous. I don’t want the asshole anons to find her blog. And I can’t be sure who is or isn’t on of these nasty fuckers.

There will be no further updates on this. I can not even begin to articulate how incredibly fucking done I am with this nonsense.

I’ve set the boundary of don’t be a dick head already and asshole anons have countially crossed it. Don’t even concider yourselves warned. We are fucking done. I will only be using this blog when I fucking feel like it. If the queue runs out before I am in the mood to use this blog? Tough luck. I am have no obligation to even leave my blog up but I know me and I know that I normally do have fun with this blog. The one and only thing I hate about it is the asshole anons.

Post fucking done Jesus fuck

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Can we normalize saying what we mean and meaning what we say?

Sounds simple, right?

It should be the norm as oppose to making poorly constructed, one-off statements that don’t progress the conversation at all, potentially even shutting down the important conversation at hand in light of discussing ‘an issue’ that would have been prevented if you had just meant what you said and said what you meant, right?

Did you agree with the questions listed above? If so, that’s great, if not, I’m curious as to why.

Oh wait, who would disagree on having basic (good) communication among each other?

image

..right?

……right?

……………right?

Btw, in case you’re confused about why the Twitter logo is here, this post is, general speaking, about how most Twitter ‘fights’/drama (or hell most petty drama) boils down to bad communication skills (often times, done purposefully just to invoke conflict). Now, this seems as if I’m pointing out the obvious here,

So what was the point of making this post in the first place?

Well, I’ve (and probably you as well have) begun to see a ‘rise’ of the “not meaning what you say and not saying what you mean” mentality and it’s creating this ‘knowing that all the information is likely not to be given to you at face value to which, you can never trust what anyone is telling you’ behaviour. This is even further enabled when we shame people for not knowing despite given very little to work with, For example;

Person A: Hey, I’m going out to pick up some food, are u hungry?

Person B: No I’m good

(Person A leaves and comes back with food for only themselves)

Person B: WhY dIdN’t YoU gEt Me AnYtHiNg!

So please, for the love of human decency and the absolute bare minimum,

Mean what you say and say what you mean ❤️

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I’m starting to become numb to the thought of finding someone to spend my life with.

Maybe it really is me. Maybe I’m just some huge ass fuck up. Not worth it.

I really really feel no one will ever want to marry me, or even settle down with me. I feel like something is wrong with me.

I’m just another face. Another body.


I might as well make peace with loneliness. ):

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Today I scraped my car pretty badly while attempting to park, which is a big deal to me because I pride myself (or I used to) on being a good driver, and my mind just decided to overwhelm me with every shitty feeling I’ve had since quarantine and I haven’t been able to stop crying since I got home. I really wasn’t dealing with lockdown as well as I was hoping

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Tell me how you can tell your 24 yr old granddaughter “no I’m not letting you get your hair cut that short it’ll look ugly”

Let me repeat that, I am 24 YEARS OLD, I AM WHAT YOU MIGHT CONSIDER MID TWENTIES.

“You’ll look like a boy” “you’ll look ridiculous” “I love your hair long” “you need it this length so you can hide all that” (gesturing to my chin and cheeks)

Now I love my grandma, I do despite the disagreements we have, not even fights.

But does that sound just a bit fucking ridiculous to tell your adult ass granddaughter????

Like I know I don’t have the money for a haircut and I’m probably the fucking dictionary description of dependent, but am I wrong in thinking that shouldn’t fucking matter?? At least with something like a fucking haircut, it’s not like I’m ungrateful or spoiled or anything, but I’m not 10 yrs old anymore!

And on top of that- the hairdresser we go to is a friend of my aunt, she’s a sweet woman and just great, HOWEVER IM GONNA LOSE MY FUCKING MIND IF EVEN SHE SAYS I CANT GET MY HAIRCUT AS SHORT AS I REALLY WANT.

Both her and my grandma ALWAYS give the same fucking reason and really, again I love them, but it’s just a polite way of saying “we gotta hide your fat face and double chin, nobody wanna see that” like maybe I’m too sensitive but am I wrong??


I don’t know why I take my hair so seriously and I feel a little ridiculous getting so worked up about it but fuck man! She knows what I buy on my bank account, sheltered me as a kid and won’t even fucking let me cut my hair the way I want?? Are you fucking kidding me????

And bless the hairdresser she’s awesome and all but I don’t give a shit what you learned in cosmology school, fuck this polite passive aggressive fucking insult, I don’t care if “it’ll look bad for your face shape” WHO THE FUCK CARES??? CAN I REALLY DO NOTHING FOR MYSELF?? DO I REALLY NEED OTHER ADULTS APPROVAL BEFORE IM ALLOWED DO FUCKING ANYTHING?!?!


Alright I’m done, had to get that out and for once I’m not sorry, well I’m sorry for being so sensitive about my hair but I’m not sorry for venting, I’m gonna try and stop that

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I started rewriting a wip from two months ago and completely removed like three paragraphs of flowery shit that said nothing by result, it was all just pretty words talking about the mc’s opinions and fears, whcih I will write about later on. Everything I write just seems so pretentious like, who do I think I am! What am I doing! This kinda writinf is the type of thing That makes me feel like people are gonna read it an go ‘wow, what the fuck was that’ and not the good kind of wtf either. I just wanna get these stories out! And stop caring! But I don’t know how! Argh 🤬, I’m gonna play blood/borne and pretend it’s for research purposes. Maybe soem sexi monsters will chill me out.

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My friends made an NSFW channel in the discord chat so I

image

I am a very even tempered and intelligent man with a very sensible and subtle sense of humor

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Seriously though, no more fucking arguing or continuing to defend the skin. I’m so tired, all I wanted to do was address something but instead I don’t know how to feel. The day is sacred, not an aesthetic, 2nd halloween or just any of that shit.

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Finished watching Parasyte: The Maxim anime a few years late. Some rather dramatic and meaningful action was produced by having certain of the characters act like complete idiots. Even when you give them a reason to be thus idiotic, it’s not the the best when their idiocy is very convenient to the plot/hero’s survival. A very unneedful serial killer claims at one point that cops who shoot civilians they thought were dangerous shapeshifting were no better than him, which is absolute hogswash.

Painfully earnest heroes shouting about their painful pain, and how they must still do the right thing despite tragic loss upon loss, also their dead mother, is also finally getting a bit tedious. ‘Hero’s girlfriend’ characters with no other visible occupation, likewise, especially when a female character who does have a plot useful power is degraded to failed love interest. Women are more than emotional anchors for men and 'heart power’ fonts of cheap humanism.

Finally, gratuitously killing bystanders in front of the hero, in circumstances where the aforesaid girlfriend would have been unquestionably saved (without any contribution from herself), is pretty low. When you unnecessarily threaten the girlfriend’s life in the final episode with a completely unneeded random serial killer, then, whether she lives or dies, I can’t allow myself to care about any future of characters than issues from such a contrivance.

Parasyte is actually a very decent series, and absolutely better than Goblin Slayer in terms of side and female character abuse, to glorify a banal hero, and unjustified contrivance. I’m not sorry I watched Parasyte but not too sorry I waited this long to do it.

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I just took the third quiz for my psych class and I’m just so disappointed.

For this class, our grade is made up of 8 quizzes of 12 points each, then a syllabus review of 4 points, with 5 points extra credit possible. So far, I’ve scored 10/12 on all three quizzes, and I just don’t get it. Like the material isn’t hard, the lectures are really interesting and I read the chapters. I just can’t seem to be able to do any better. Also, the questions really aren’t representative of what we covered. So idk what to do. At this rate, it looks like I’ll end up with a B in this class, and that’s gonna bring my GPA down. But at the same time I don’t wanna drop the class cuz I like it, and I’d also feel like I somehow failed. Idk what to do. Next week is the deadline to drop classes, so I guess I’ll see how I do on next week’s quiz. But then what if I do well next week and it’s just a fluke, and I don’t do as well on the quizzes after that?

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When will the adults around me fucking realize I’ve already given up on school??

School makes me sad, I don’t like it, it gives me mental breakdowns, therefore I want to drop out

And the adults are like “nooo don’t do that you need to graduate highschool and get into a good college and have the future we never experienced because obviously it isn’t taking a toll on your mental health aha”

Can they all please fuck off

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Y'all know what really sucks about being closeted? Wanting to stand up for your community but not being able to or you’d give yourself away.

  • So you just watch as people nod their heads in agreement to homophobic points of views during church
  • You just watch as people believe misconceptions about LGBTQ+ people
  • You play along with homophobic jokes out of fear
  • You start feeling real scared when your family starts believing and agreeing to homophobic things. You want to correct and educate them so bad but the damn fear just won’t fuckin let you
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At least from my experience and knowledge, the standard school systems all have standard lockdown and fire drill procedures. I’m just focusing on the lockdowns today. In the past, every school had weird codes for the different types of lockdowns, most likely in place to possibly confuse any intruders. That changed when it was clear it was easier and smarter to announce the types of lockdowns.

The only kinds I’ve actively experienced were the soft lockdowns, where a student was injured badly, or having a seizure, and they needed to keep the student body put of the way.

I was lucky to go to a small charter high school where nothing bad really ever happened, but just in case, the school did ALICE Training. The acronym stands for Alert, Lockdown, Inform, Counter, Evacuate. It’s used to prepare us for a school shooting situation, whether it be fleeing or barricading. It’s a tragedy that we have to learn to defend ourselves from these things in school.

The thing is though, we only started ALICE Training a couple years ago. Before that, we still did the lockdown drills. This is where my story starts:

Earlier today, I was going through different scary videos on youtube, when I came across terrifying lockdown stories. While watching, I was reminded of a time when I was in class and we had a drill. My teacher, we’ll call her Karen, was new to the school that year, but has previous teaching experience. So, we’re in class, and the speaker announces the drill. Karen barely pays attention to it and simply shuts the door before going back to teaching. The other students and I all look at each other in bewilderment.

Myself and I few other students explain to her that we’re in the middle of lockdown. So, she turns off one light switch and goes back to teaching. The door still isn’t locked, and all of us are still sat at the tables in confusion.

How could this teacher not realize how stupid she was being??? What if this wasn’t a drill???

The classroom is on the second floor of our 4 story school, right next to the main staircase. Obviously this classroom is an easy target!

Class still carries on, the drill is over, and the period ends.

To this day, I’m still baffled by how little our teacher cared to follow the drill. Karen blamed it on not doing the drill at her past teaching job, but that’s no excuse.

Thank God for the ALICE training, so the students are equipped to make the best decisions without being trapped by dumnass teachers.

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if you’re crying cuz you’re at target and your parents want to look at everything even though you know they aren’t going to buy anything but they keep insisting on browsing and your depressive episode is only spiking your already spiked anxiety and you just want to go home but you can’t go home because your parents want to look at fuCKING DECORATIVE PUMPKINS-

clap your hands

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