now that im applying to college its weird because like, every single grade really really matters so now ive felt guilty for literal days about forgetting to turn in a math assignment i did, when even last year i would not have given a fuck bc ive always prided myself on at least not being someone who values grades over personal development but the fact that thats becoming less true while im trying to lock myself into a personality in order to apply to college is really not great atm.
also my cat (who is about ten years old) has gotten really sick this last week. she’s been really thin for a couple of months now but she’s just been really upset and not eating or even really sleeping like she used to, and the doctors are thinking it might be cancer and i just. im not ready to lose her, even if im in the best mental state of my life rn i’m still not ready to let go since she’s been my longest friend and at times the only good thing in my life and i just want her to know that i love her so much but we’ve had to keep her locked in the laundry room for much of the past few days to clean up after her accidents and she’s just been crying so much that she can’t even meow sometimes, and she doesn’t understand what’s going on and so i feel so bad for her because i want her last years to be happy ones but i feel bad for me too.
also i accidentally got added to a private chat between some of my friends and they started talking about how annoying i was and how it made them want to leave, but i don’t know if they saw that i had access and then started joking around or if they actually feel that way about me? i guess i had been annoying, these people are my newest friends who know about me through a mutual friend, but our mutual friend then had a falling out and left within a day of me joining, and i thought i could belong with this group but i guess they don’t want me now. i just wanted to participate and talk to them, i hate that i talk so much but i just don’t talk to people at school or at home and i think its undiagnosed social anxiety, but also i feel completely different every single day and it’s hard to maintain a consistent relationship with someone if you are constantly switching personalities.
also i just started doing theater tech at school and i feel like i have screwed something up every single day ive been there. every time i go i feel like i take a huge hit to my confidence/ego just purely from not being as competent as i thought i was or even just having some sophomore asshole roll her eyes at me while i was doing my best to be friendly.
also ive just realized the girl i have a crush on probably thinks im a piece of shit. this is because i have, in fact, been a piece of shit, because i broke up with my last girlfriend (a close friend of hers) over text. OVER TEXT. what kind of douchebag does that??? i thought i had a good reason for it at the time (i was “sCaReD” of her when really i was just scared of intimacy and being outed because of my parents views on homosexuality) but i know now that i mustve really hurt her feelings and probably made HER feel like shit when she had been so good and kind to me.
also recently one of my friends started saying he was going to kill himself and so as someone whos been there i started saying all these things about how much we love him and how much he matters even if he cant see it and how it will get better for him once he moves out, hes just got to hold on for a few more years and he got really upset that i was so pushy and how it was just his humor even though i know he self-harms and i was really actually worried about him. he stopped talking to me and left our group chat (we dont live in the same town) and i just feel awful because hes just the nicest and sweetest guy but because of stuff he cant control his depression has turned him into this apathetic and emotionally detached kid and i dont know, i just dont want that for him or for me or for the countless other kids i know are feeling that way, and i just feel hopeless for our generation. its a scary time, and i just hope we will be able to save ourselves before our rights are taken away.
im not living up to my parents expectations and they remind me every day. im not living up to my own expectations because i just want to be happy and im not. i just want to value myself and i cant because i dont have time. i want to live a life where im proud of what i do every day, not where im wondering how many more of my personal values i have to sacrifice in order to get by. fuck this. fuck 2020. love y’all tho